Frauds (1993) Script

Happy Birthday, son.

Here. They they were your Father's.


These aren't ordinary dice. They're very special.


Numbers 1, 2 or 3, means you can sit there and keep sulking.

But numbers 4, 5 or 6, means you have to forget... about all your so-called 'friends', and make the most of your party. Agreed?



Here we go.

There, it's settled!

You don't have any say in the matter


You go first.

Get on the raft.


I said, get on the raft, Matthew!

Come on, Matthew, it' easy!

No! Mum!



Matthew! Hang on, boy.

Hang on!


Stay calm, I'm nearly there, sweetheart.

Give me your hand! Help!

Come on Matthew, give me your hand! Give me you hand, boy!

Got you.

Hold on, Matthew!

Matthew, hold on!





Thank you sir.

Hey you guys, dinner's ready!


What are they doing out there?

They are playing with their toy soldiers. Cute, huh?

They're a bit old for soldiers, aren't they?

Well I thought dragging Jonathan down the aisle might drag it out of him.

It did for a while.

But recently the best man's had other ideas and I've been happily married to the two of them ever since.

Here have the Allies, and down the bad guys, the French.

When the sun goes down, the bad guys are going to sneak up towards the good guys and kick the living daylights out of them.

Perfect French divisional assault, Austerlitz December 2, 1805 December 2, 1805?

I can't believe you still remember this garbage I still remember when this garbage used to take up most of our weekends.

Times have changed. Now I've got more important things on my mind.

Like what?

Like Mary.


Michelle? Melissa? Margaret?

You're turning into one big hormone.

You know I can have her off the property by midnight.

Wanna bet?

No, no. I think you're taking on a huge responsibility.

It's a job that requires a very special person, Mary.

My name is Margaret.

Margaret, sorry.

What is he doing here? Doesn't he ever give up?

He's just batting the ball around the park.

He was on first base by the appetizer and second base by the time we got to the potato!

If he gets to the dessert, I think he's on a home run. - We'll see about that.

You haven't heard the worst of it. What?

She didn't drive. Oh, God...

Michael, this is the dumbest game you've ever come up with.

Beats bridge!

I play this naked, and with baby oil. -Oh Really?

Okay okay, my go!

Left hand green, left hand green, left hand green!

Left hand green. Yes!

I'm gonna go!


Thanks for a great evening. I wish we didn't have to go.

Well then don't, stay for another couple of drinks.

Oh nono, It's almost midnight and I've got a big day tomorrow. Bye bye!

Oh! There you go.

Are you sure you don't mind driving her home, Michael? - Not at all!

Oh I almost forgot. If you two aren't doing anything on the 26th, I have 2 tickets to La Boheme I can't use.

La Boheme?! -Oh you've got to be joking You shut up. I uh, won them at an agency raffle.

So how about it? Thank you, we'd love them.

Good. Bye.

What's La Boheme? It's a Musical. -Oh.


Hello? Hi baby, it's only me.

Hi, listen I'll be right back I'm having a small problem.

OK guys! Cool it!

One.. two...



Ladies and gentlemen, this evening's performance of La Boheme is about to begin.

Please take your seats.

When it rains, it pours. Right, Mrs. Waterson?


Damn, damn, damn.

God damn you, Jonathan, when are we going to get a new roof.

Hi it's Jonathan, I'm at the Opera House, where are you? -Oh, no!

No no!


Jesus, Beth, can't you take a joke?


Oh, fine.

Thank you very much. Goodbye.

There's no doubt in my mind that you considered your life to be at risk.

And in extreme conditions you acted with resourcefulness, and courage.

I only hope that the scars that you and your husband now possess, will heal as quickly as possible.

It is my opinion that the deceased was a victim of his own misguided judgement.

And it will be my recommendation that no charges be laid agains Elisabeth Wheats. by the Department of Public Prosecutions.

And it is the finding of this inquest that death occurred by accident.

You may stand down.

Thank you.


Don't worry, I'll get it.


Mrs. Wheats? Yes.

Roland Copping, Cartel Insurance.

Oh, yes, please come in.

My husband's out back, in the study.

Jonathan, sweetheart!

I'm busy, Beth! The insurance man is here.

All right, I'm coming!


I guess you could call it that.

Do you mind if I, uh...?


Jonathan Wheats. -Roland Copping, Cartel Insurance Cartel.

Sorry, this painting. It reminds me of my childhood.

Would you like to come into the lounge room and we can...? -Certainly Absolutely.

Ah, little soldiers!

I never really had time for them myself.

They don't really do much, do they?

They just sort of... stand there.

Can I get you a drink?

Beer? Wine? Whiskey? Coke?

I think we can handle that. Splendid.

Sale's new?. Yes, it is.

I'll try not to take up too much of your time, Mr. Wheats.

It's about your claims. One for property damage, one for theft.

Damage: one sofa. Video recoder, CD player, lampshades...

Carpets, table, two broken cabinets...


One set of solid silver cutlery. The only thing stolen? -Yes.

What a shame, they're really nice looking pieces, too.

Victorian? Georgian.

They're old family heirlooms.

A thief with taste, eh? This is a rare thing these days.

Is this room where the guys got the... Yeah.

Mr. Copping, the guy was a really good friend of ours. I'd prefer not to discuss the subject in front of my wife.

It's been 6 months but our lives are just starting to get back to normal, so...

Understood. Mum's the word.

Thank you.


Everything seems to be in order.

The police have got their hands full of course, trying to trace the missing cutlery and whoever was driving the getaway car.

To be honest, I don't think theres much chance of you seeing either again.

Which is a shame, really.

Do you want to see anything else?

No, I've taken up too much of your time already, Mr. Wheats.

I'll just get straight home and start processing the claim.

Which should take how long, Mr. Copping? If all goes well, maybe 2-3 weeks.

So we'll be seeing you again?

Most definitely.

Would you like my card, just in case? No that's OK, I've got that.

If you've got any other questions, you can always call me home on this number.

Fine, no problem. -Excellent. Well, good night. Oh - thanks for the coke.


Watcha doing?



Sorry I'm late.

Beth? Come into the dining room!

Come over here and sit down.

What are you doing? Sit.

What's going on?

Fun. Remember when we used to have fun?

Not really. And I have an even bigger surprise...

Why do you want to do this? Because Michael would've.

It's been 7 months, Jonathan. And it's time we let him go.

So! Let's do it with a bang. Let's do something he'd be proud of.

For one night in our lives, let's think with our dicks.


Good evening, Jonathan.

Hello, Beth. Sorry about the hour.

I hope I'm not interrupting anything. No, not at all.

I actually need to run a few details past Beth, if that's alright.

At 10 o'clock at night? No, Mr. Copping.

To be perfectly honest, that's not alright!

Don't you think business hours would be better to discuss details?

I am interrupting something, aren't I? Look, if you could just spare a couple of minutes, I could get rid of these questions And I'll probably be out of your hair for good.

I don't have anything to say that I haven't said 100 times already.

If you have any questions, I suggest you read the police report.

I think I'll come back tomorrow. That's a good idea.

For God's sake! No. Let's just get this over with.

Thank you. Just a couple of minutes.

About this accomplice...

When approximately did you hear the getaway car driving off? I mean, what time?

I do not remember exactly. It was the neighbors who reported that.

I was too busy trying to get to the opera.

So we'll assume whoever this accomplice was, saw you go inside and waited around in the hope that Michael would get wise and come out... heard the first scream and just took off?

No, I recall it took off just as I entered the front door.

I can't tell you the exact time.

You do remember now?

No, I don't remember! -So do you recall? -I...

-What do we take as fact then, recall or remember?

Could you identify a driver? -No! Mr. Copping, please!

I'm sorry.

It's an old habit I picked up from my father.

He was a war hero. These were his granddad's.

They're very old.

Look, see how they shine?

It was said that in the right hands they would become transparent.

All the nmbers would just melt together... You could do wonderful things.

Mr. Copping, what are you talking about?

The dice.

They're very nice, but I don't see what relevence they have to your being here.

What relevance?

1 to 3, says we continue our discussion now...

4 to 6, says I return tomorrow.

Very well, Mr. Wheats. I shall return tomorrow. - I'll make sure I'm in.

Just hold on a minute! - Look at the time! Doesn't it fly when you're having fun?

Mr. Copping, if you have any questions, I suggest you ask them now.

Have either of you seen this fork before?

Yes, it's ours.

I mean, it looks like ours.

Where'd you get this? These things turn up.


I leave it with you, until morning when I return for the search. -What?!

New evidence requires a search, Beth. Boring I know, but it is standard company policy.

Don't worry, I'll see myself out. Goodnight!

Well at least we know what happened to Rosemary's baby.

What the hell is this going on?

The guy was here to assess the damage on the table, not play Yahtzee on it.

Jesus Christ!

If you think I'm going to let that nutcase tear apart my house, then...

Sorry, Beth, but that eye was going to bother me all... night.

I'm going now.

God damn it! Don't you dare walk out on this!

Jonathan, you get your ass back in here!

One elephant, two elephants, three Goddamn elephants!

Do you mind? I'm creating.

You know, we spent all morning at school today making cities out of egg cartons...

I didn't know what to say then. So I said "well, maybe one or two trees"...

And that they couldn't grow any trees because of the yellow goop anyway...

...just as I was asking him what the matter was...

... and I saw in the corner little Jack, looking...


Hi there...

I'm sorry.

It's just, that man gives me the creeps.


I'll get it.

Wakey wakey, Beth. Rise and shine!

Jonathan, top of the morning to you.

You're early. You're late Oh christ!

Just let me have a shower and you can unleash the sniffer dogs. -That won't be necessary.

I've decided to approve your claim immediately.

That's great. How come?

It's simple, really. Just retracing the steps.

Michael Allen: he breaks into his best friend's house.

And, having just removed the first load of goods, he finds himself trapped inside... by the unexpected arrival of the now missing cutlery's owner.

Mrs. Beth Wheats.

Realising that the game was up, he decides on a bit of fun.

So wielding the old sunday roast carver, he takes the joke a little too far.

As usual.

And his reward - no dinner - a six inch crossbow bolt, right through the heart.

The mystery accomplice does not speed off into the night with the goods.

What are you talking about?

The mystery accomplice stands outside the Opera House, awaiting his faithful wife.

-What are you insinuirating? -I'm not insinuating anything, I'm stating a fact.

Your husband, Mrs. Wheats, is the mystery accomplice.

Get out!

Let's not get over excited here, Johnny boy!

Let's discuss this like gentlemen. Get out, you shit!

Don't make things any worse for yourself!

I dropped my...!


You forgot this.

Oh, goody.

I'll swap you.

The fork that I gave you last night was a very good copy.

This one though, is for real.

You shouldn't have checked your hiding spot, Jonathan.



What the hell is going on?

Talk to me!

Close the door.


Oh, no!


It was so simple.

Spend half your life drowning in interest rates.

Dishing out stupid premiums, up to your hilt in mortgages.

Then one day you come home after going out to dinner, your house has been stripped...

And whammo! Now you can buy the new car.

So simple.

Everybody does it. Nothing could go wrong.

Except you coming home.

If it was all so goddamn simple, why didn't you just tell me?

I didn't have a choice. You started putting words in my mouth.

The insurance claim, the accomplice, the getaway car...

I mean, what getaway car?

I didn't know what to say, so I didn't say anything at all.

I understand why you and Michael did it.

I understand why you played along.

But I don't understand why you didn't tell me.

What difference does it make now?

Whether it's fraud, perjury, or manslaughter...

I'm going to go to jail.

Call him.

Let's hear what he has to say.

Roland Copping. Hello, it's Jonathan Wheats.

Yes, Jonathan?

I think we have to talk. Would you like to come to my house? -I'd love to.

Shall we say 10am? -That'll be fine.

Well, I'll see you then.

OK, Caesar, 1 to 3 says they'll play.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5. I think I'll have another hotel on Mayfair.

And just a little bit of cash.

C'mon Beth, your go!

Your go, Beth.


1, 2, 3, 4... Oh dear!

Do not pass 'Go', do not collect 200 pounds, go directly to jail.

What do you want?

#I've got you under my skin#

#I've got you deep in the heart of me#

#So deep in my heart, you're really a part of me#

#I've got you under my skin...#

You're not going to count it? Oh I don't think there's any need.

If you're short I'll be the first to let you know.

I am sorry about all these mucky dealings you know... but in the great cardgame of life... -Get out!

It has been a pleasure, hope to see you again soon. -Don't hold your breath.

3 to 5, says I leave them alone...

1, 2... Welcome back, Beth!

Thanks, gang. It's good to be back.

You have me walking my cat! I'm very tall there, aren't I? That's great!

Jenny, is that me on a beach? Did we collect shells on that beach?

Well done, that's a beautiful one.

Where did you have me go on my holiday? Is that a ski resort?


It's a car accident... well you weren't far off...

Hey, you alright?

Jonathan? I know.

I know, just hang on a minute. I'll come to get you.

I want the set. The whole set. And this.

All right, that's enough. First time was fair.

You got your money! This is straight blackmail. I"m not going to stand for it!

I'm going to go to the police.

Oh really? Well rightio, there's the telephone. Go on, call the police.

Can I have my cutlery now, please?


Give him the silverware, Jonathan. No!

Give him the silverware Like hell I will!

Alright, but let's get one thing clear - you're not going to get anything else out of me!

Well it has been a pleasure doing business with you both, again.

Probably not a good time Beth, but I'd like to lend you these to help out with the old painting... - GET OUT!

He's not going to stop. Oh yes, he is!

He's going to take everything we own. He wouldn't dare!

Excuse me, can I help you? Oh, I'm sorry.

I knocked earlier, but nobody answered.

We were probably in the shower. Can I help you? - I'm from Cartel Insurance.

Roland Copping sent me down to do the valuation you requested.

Get away!

Get away from my car!

Don't come back, alright!

The car, next! Fine! I don't mind handing over the lease.

While he's at it, he can pick up the mortgage on the house, to boot!

Why?! Why is he doing this to us?!


This has got to stop...

I can't take this anymore.

You know, the most honest and unique period of life is childhood.

The only way a child learns that jumping off the monkey bar is going to hurt him...

Is by taking the chance, and jumping off the monkey bar.

Which I suppose makes children the biggest gamblers of all.

Still, doesn't last forever. Kids grow up. Don't they?

What do you want, Roland? Whatever it is, just ask.

But please, leave my wife out of it.

I'll tell you what we're going to do We're going to roll the dice.

If it lands on a 1, 2, or 3, you get to walk out of here scott-free.

Cross my heart, hope to die, you'll never hear from me again.

But if it lands on a 4, 5, or 6, You get to be my slave for one hour.

You have to do exactly as I tell you, for the next 60 minutes.



You roll.

You're out of your mind.

Hello? Is Mr. Wall there please?

No... Is Mrs. Wall there?

No, you've got the-

Are there any Walls there? - Hey listen, you've got a major wrong number!

This is a telephone box in the middle of nowhere.

Oh! So there aren't any walls then?

I'm afraid not. - Well you'd better get out quick before the roof falls down!

# Na-na-na-na-na, tell your mum I fooled you.#

Oh my God!

My God!


You son of a bitch, you've got me this!




Hello? -Ah, Betty old girl! What's cooking, good looking?

What do you want? Lot's of money would be nice.

Sorry, we're out. Antique cutlery?


Then I suppose dinner is out of the question? - Listen, you asshole-

Can I speak to Jonathan, please? No.

You can speak to me. What is it you want? -A car, Beth. I'm sick of mine.

Which car, Rolande?

Both of them?

Okay. Here's what we're going to do.

I'm going to pretend I never got this call.

I'm going to hang up this call, I'm going to go back to work... and I am going to attempt to lead a normal life.

I'm calling your bluff, Mr. Copping.

Somebody has to draw the line around here somewhere.

And I guess it's going to have to be me, because I'll be damned if...

I'm going to sit back and let you destroy my marriage.

Am I to understand that this round is between you and I, Beth?

It's a beautiful day.

#I enjoy my work. It's very challenging#.

I enjoy my work. It's very challenging

# I won't be angry today.#

...Let's not jump to any conclusions.

Mrs. Wheats Mrs. Wheats!

Excuse me.

Detective? How are you today?

Not bad. What can I do for you?

Is Mr. Wheats inside?

No, he's at work.

Oh, he said he wanted us to meet him here.

Oh really? Why? Your crossbow.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you. -Oh it's alright.

Mrs. Wheats?

I don't quite understand what's going on You see, your husband phoned us this morning and asked us to bring this back here.

Well I wish he'd called me.

It's alright!

Shall we move in there?

So, how is your investigation going? Nothing new, I'm afraid.

There are no leads at all, as a matter of fact.

Stolen goods of this nature are always the most difficult kind.

Your things being solid silver, I wouldn't bet on them turning up at a pawn shop.

This may be sad to hear, but you're going to have to say goodbye to your silverware

Which is a great shame, I know. It was a beautiful set.

Yes. - From what your husband tells me, impossible to replace.

No... I mean, yes! I'm not sure, I...

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

I'm so sorry! Quick, into the kitchen! I'll get you some towels!

What's funny? You got an earful!

I am so sorry. Don't worry about it, Mr Wheats.

It's just that whenever I think of the silverware... I throw up.

I'll get some disinfectant.

Hey, Wendy. It's Beth Wheats. Is Jonathan there?

What do you mean he took the afternoon off?!


Nice goose...


Have we had a visitor, Caesar?

Jonathan, you bloody little genius!

He did it! He did it!

Are you with us, Jonathan?


Hello, Beth! Did you put your tree out early this year?

At least you don't have to eat with your fingers any more! - What is the matter with you?

Are you completely insane? What more do you want from us?

A holiday in Tahiti, a house in the country...

For the moment i'd be content with the BMW.

Where's Jonathan?

Afternoon, nurse.


Excuse me?



Beth, I'm home! Did you have a good day?

Oh yes, yes I did!

Two cops turned up wielding a crossbow, and the silverware was hung up on the Christmas Tree!

Jesus, what happened to you?

And why weren't you at the office? Where the hell have you been? -I've been on a little field trip!

And I think I've struck gold!

Everyone's got an Achilles heel. And Roland Copping's got a whopper.

Do you hear me? Hello!

He sent the police over this afternoon.

He set us up!

I almost got arrested. And then I threw up on them.

Good girl!

I should have remembered earlier. For the first time he came he gave us his card, Which has to please call home. He doesn't have an office.

He only works from home. It was like an invitation! And it's there, it's all there.

Where's the mobile phone?

Listen to you! You sound like a madman. What the hell is going on?

I don't have time to explain. I'll tell you everything when I'm set up.

Jonathan, tell me now!

I found a hole, Beth. A hole.

I went there today, to his house. I followed him.

There might be a way out - there's a chance we can turn the tables.

But we have to play him at his own game.

That's it, isn't it?

Whether it's playing with toy soldiers, or ripping off insurance companies

It's all just a game.


But it's his game. And at the moment we're losing.

Get out of my way!

One elephant, two elephants, three eleph-

I've had enough! I don't want to play anymore!


What are the options?

We can go to the police and spend, what, the next 10 years in jail.

Or we can give him everything, let him suck us completely dry.

Or we can fight. We play or pay.

And I can win. 48 hours, that's all I need.

2 days and this whole thing will be over.

Two days, huh? Two days to win this one and it will all be over?

Oh really?

And then what? What happens next?

Another insurance claim? Or is that too small now?

How about insider trading? Does that sound attractive?

Where does it stop, Jonathan?

Please, I can't do this on my own.

Hello Roland? Jonathan?

I've always been had a soft spot for German craftmanship.

Fear not, she'll have a good safe home.

Oh I took out a cover note this morning, just in case you decided to cancel the insurance.

Last chance, Jonathan.

Roland Copping.

We have to talk.

Is that you, Beth? Yes.

Fine, well. When would you like to get together? - How about tonight?


Is that a problem? No.

Not a problem.

It's not a problem at all.

See you next year, Mr. Copping.

I really am very pleased you came to my party, Beth.

Is anybody else coming?


I know you didn't know it was my birthday, so I don't expect a present.

But I would like to give you one.

If you really want to give us a present, stop what you're doing My life is falling apart. My husband thinks it's all some kind of weird game.

So here's the deal.

You can have the house You can have the car, you can have it all. I don't want it anymore.

In return, let us go.

I wish it were that simple.

But the choice isn't mine.

You know, choices are wonderful. But too much can lead to hesitation...

...and he who hesitates, loses his parking space.

So you have to find that middle ground.

I found six. Oh for God's sake!

Cut it out! I can't.

Well I can. You can't hurt me any more, Roland.

You can't take anything more away from me.

Because I have nothing left to give you.

I don't care what number your goddamn dice rolls I don't give a shit anymore.

Happy Birthday, Rolande.

And in a really weird way...

Thank you.

Where are you going?

4 to 6, and I call Jonathan.

Beth, have you got them? Yes.

I got them. Good girl.

Where are you? I'm in a phone booth.

Alright, now go. Quick as you can. Alright.


-love you.

Give me back my dice.


What's the matter? I thought you were at your sister's? - No, she's at a favorite uncle's.

Hello, Jon-Jon.

Roland? Where's Beth?

I'm sure she'd like to speak to you, but she's a little tied up at the moment.

As to her whereabouts, I think you'll find her at my house.

I'd get over here quickly if I were you, before she gets added to one of my collections She's got nothing to do with it, Roland. Leave her out of it!

Oh but she's been stealing, Jonathan. And all girls who steal deserve a good spanking.

I gather you're up to something. Where, may I ask, are you?

Over here.

Good evening, Jonathan.


Here! Fancy a piece of watermelon?



Another step closer, and she never rides a bike again.

Very very clever, Johnny.

But you've really overstepped your mark, this time.

You wouldn't dare. -Oh wouldn't I?

No doubt about it, you're very good. Probably the best yet.

But you've got to think ahead. You've got to learn three dimensional thinking.


333 Three? That's right. Your home number.

And if I dial the last three, the phone'll ring. Correct?

Yes. Let's go for a walk.

I want to show you something.

No tricks. You'e got the gun.

Just come and take a look at somethig.

Come on, indulge me. okay.

But remember, the future halves of your wife are at stake.

What are you up to? A Surprise.

You like surprises, don't you? Very much.

You had me a little worried. You worked a little quicker than i'd anticipated.

I might've had you over a barrel. You shouldn't have relied on your wife.

Women are inconsistent, that's why I never married.

Do this, do that. I just avoided the problem, surely you understand that Jonathan The perfect bachelor, with a life devoted to...



Oh, my God, Matthew! What have they done to you!? Don't worry, Matthew.


All I have to do is press the redial button, the phone'll ring, set off the answering machine, And *smash!* Matthew learns to swim. Again. And I'm serious, Roland.

You... bastard!

Flattery'll get you nowhere

Let's go upstairs

Come on!

How could you?

He is a quadriplegic. He can't even speak!

Oh, really?

I thought he had a lot to say.

He told me all about your father, the war hero, the man who died in action.

Or it was just the man who didn't want to come home?

He told me all about his present state of health.

Achieved whilst trying to humor his brother, rolling his silly little dice And the dice, given as an afterthought to a spoiled, unpopular little brat because no one turned up to his party.

So what happens now?

I'll tell you what we're going to do - we're going to roll for it.

Numbers 1, 3 or 5, Beth and I walk away from here.

2, 4 and 6?

50:50 odds, that's quite a gamble, Jonathan.

I'm prepared to take it.

You roll.

Bad luck, Roland. You lose.

The hell I do!

So long, Beth. It's been a pleasure halving you.



You vicious son of a bitch!

This is for me!

And this is for my brother.

Matthew! Matthew!


Help! Help!


What are you doing?

I'm calling the police.

No! I am calling the police!

It's over.