Freaks of Nature (2015) Script

This is Friday night in my hometown.

Those guys behind me are actually my neighbors.

What is it that you want to be?

I gotta go.

It's in a million pieces.

I gotta show you


Brains.

So, why is everybody so mad?

And how did I get stuck with these two freaks?

Well, the aliens showed up.

Okay, let me back up.


I'm telling you, this thing with Lorelei is about to happen.

I can feel it in my bones.

Bones? Yeah, that would be cool. You're not even listening.

You never listen to me. You're supposed to be my friend.

What? Look, Lorelei doesn't like you like that.

If she did, she'd have given it up by now.

I'm saying, I think she does. I feel like we're right on the cusp.

She's been coming over to my house more and more lately.

That's because she stashes her weed at your house.

How did you know that? Because her dad's a Christian Scientist and because everyone calls you her "weed locker."

No.

People really call me that? All the time.

It makes me look like an idiot. Pretty much.

And what do you say to them? You back me up, right?

No.

Parminder... What?

That's your job as a friend, is to make me look good when people...

Jesus! Are you kidding me?

Dude, you're a terrible friend.

Okay.

Maybe she has me hold her weed as an excuse to keep coming over.

Did you think about that? No.

That's probably it. Her body language has been super cuspy lately.

Well, if it's been super cuspy, then... Hey, hey, Lor.

Yeah, that cuspiness was palpable.

Shut up.

Boo.

Oh, God. Hey, Milan. Hey, Petra. How's it going?

Good. How are you? Good.

Tonight's the night. Yeah. Yeah, I can't wait.

Your first vamp party. You're going to love it.

Mmm-hmm.

So, I heard that vamp parties can be kind of rough. Is that...

Hey, that's my locker there. Fuck off.

Look, if you're too scared, we don't have to do this.

What? No, I'm not scared.

That's my special girl. Come on. Okay.

Hey, if I could just get into my locker. I said, "Fuck off!"

Oh, we should... Come on.

Don't ever get in my way again, pussy.

Come on.

Mr. Keller? The teachers' lounge.

What? I'm in the teachers' lounge.

Teachers' lounge.

Teachers' lounge.

Teachers' lounge.

For the love of Pete. If you finish a pot of blood, please put another one on.

Can we all do that? We can all do that.

Look at this.

Mr. Keller, I just had one quick question about my paper.

I think there's been an error in the grading.

Oh, let me guess. You think there's been an error in the grading because in your mind, you wrote a wonderful essay yet you still received a failing grade. Is that it?

That's correct. Um...

And I'd like you to change it.

Don't you get it, Ned? Not everything in your life is under your control.

Sometimes people don't do what you want them to do.

Sometimes you vink at them and they don't vink back.

What's a vink? It's a cruel world is my point.

It's best you learn that now before you get the wrong idea. Okay?

And the donuts are gone? The donuts are gone? Huh?

We couldn't save one donut? Not one donut?

No, I don't want your quarter of a donut! I want a full donut!

Don't you dare. Don't you fucking dare!

Unbelievable!

Come on, man! For the love of shit!

God damn it.

So, you were saying something about deliberately misgrading my paper to teach me a lesson?

Ned, I'm so sorry. It's just that most of the kids that go to this school...

I would love to chain all of them to their lockers in a manner that would make sure that they would not escape.

And then just roll sticks of dynamite. Like, old-fashioned dynamite.

Just roll it down the hall and blow up the school.

And then I would spare a couple of faculty. Not this motherfucker.

I should fucking eat you!

But you, you're amazing, Ned.

You're possibly the best student I have ever had in the 97 years of teaching at this godforsaken shit-stain of a school.

Wow.

And that's the reason that I...

I have to just strangle your dreams and break you as a being.

I don't understand.

This essay is a masterpiece, Ned.

It should be framed and put in some museum that's dedicated to great essays.

And I can't tell you how much joy it gives me that there's an F there.

That F stands for "Fun."

My fun.

Dude, it's crazy. Look, when she's looking into my eyes, it's like time stops.

She never looks into your eyes.

Look, man, you need to just shut the fuck up and do something about it.

Okay, like what? I don't know. Go caveman on her.

Just club her over the head, drag her back to your cave, and just... Argh!

You're so violent.

All right, well, then next time you see her, just grab her thigh.

Just grab her thigh? Enjoy your riblet.

This is Lorelei, okay? I'm not just gonna grab her thigh.

You know what? Last weekend, I grabbed Kathy Murch's thigh.

She sat on this face, bro. I gave her a nose job.

Okay, number one, I don't even know what that means.

Number two, Kathy Murch is a slut.

Man, stop judging people.

Unless you like her.

I kind of do. You like her?

Can I get some gazpacho?

There's no brains here.

Would you look at that?

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, yeah! I'm definitely hitting that.

We're playing you B-squad bitches today.

I'll probably go yard at least twice and chicks dig the long ball.

Hell, I'll probably go three times if Coach puts in that bitch, Parminder.

I'm sitting right here.

Hey, Petra. I hear you're going to the vamp party tonight.

I've always wanted to go to a vamp party.

That's because you're a total wampire, Leonard.

Am not.

Can I come with you? We can take my dad's Kia.

Yeah, I would, but I'm actually kind of going with Milan.

Shut up. Milan Pinache? That's huge.

Oh, my God. Look at her face. She's totally going to fuck him.

Yeah, you better jimmy up.

If you actually knew him, you'd realize Milan's really sweet.

Cockblock me again and they'll never find your body.

Your brother is such a dickbag.

I know.

Thank you.

The first pitch I'm throwing to Chaz, fastball.

Burn it in. Oh, shit!

What? Rick's here.

Yeah, he's sponsoring the team this year.

The fuckbag fired my mom and every time I see this asshole, he brings it up.

Come on, man.

Whatever. He probably won't even recognize me.

Here you go, son.

The Malphasta Corporation welcomes you to the Wolves.

Congratulations.

Hey! I know you. You're, uh, Peg Parker's boy.

Bug? Bag? Tag? My name's Dag.

Doug. Yes, right. Dag.

Your mom was such a spark plug. Peg Parker. What's she up to nowadays?

Oh, she's good. She's just around the house.

Oh, how long has she been unemployed?

Um, since she left the factory.

And why did she leave the factory again? Wait, wait, I think I have the answer.

Because I fired her. Yeah. You fired her.

She shouldn't have tried to unionize my zombies.

Yeah, can I get a uniform? That's the whole idea.

Can I get a fucking uniform? Parker!

That was uncalled for.

Come here, son. I want to talk to you.

Come here. Listen.

I understand.

You know, I remember what it was like to be in high school. It's tough.

Especially for a big, tall, freaky motherfucker like you.

I'm fine with it. Okay, okay.

I like my body. All right.

Let me help you out. A word of advice.

Stop concentrating on the negative. All right?

Look at the bright side. You get to spend more time with your mom.

And I have a new secretary who I have sex with.

With my penis.

Lots of people have sex with their penises.

Seeing as how I paid for this field, Coach Pulcifer asked me to come down here today and say a few words, so here I am.

I want you to look into the eyes of the boy sitting next to you. Go ahead, do it.

And repeat after me.

"You are not my teammate."

You are not my teammate.

"You are not my friend."

You are not my friend!

"You are my enemy"

"and must be destroyed."

You are my enemy and must be destroyed!

Chill, dude.

Winners and losers, boys. That's what makes America great.

Look at me. When I first came to Dillford, the meat plant was underperforming and I drove an '04 Ford Taurus.

But now the riblet is the crown jewel of the Malphasta Corporation and I drive a red Porsche Boxster. Whoo!

How? I fired the dead weight and brought in cheap zombie labor.

Why? Because I came here to win.

Out of the 25 boys seated here today

23 of you will go on to lead completely inconsequential lives.

For the other two boys, it'll be a different journey.

One of them will just drop dead for no reason. Poof. Nobody knows why.

Heart attack, aneurysm, stabbed in the heart in a mall parking lot.

Bang, gone.

But the other boy, whoever that chosen boy is, he will be a shining fucking star like me.

This guy. He's so amazing.

Strike three! Let's go, let's put one in play.

Wow. Parker's got a rocket for an arm, huh?

Yeah. The best I've ever seen. Too bad he's shit under pressure.

All right, let's go!

It's on. Come on, put one in there.

Come on, man. Damn it. Dick.

Pay attention, Lor. I'm about to teach this bitch a lesson.

Teach him gently, baby. That boy's my neighbor.

Okay, nice boy, bring the cheese home.

It better be Swiss because I'm holy, baby. I'm holy, baby.

Looking good, Dag. Looking good, man.

Find the zone, Dag!

I'm going to rape you.

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, my God. Say something.

Dag, what did you do?

Are you okay? Oh, gosh. Okay, we need to get him ice.

Dag!

Oh, my God! Okay, okay! Okay, okay! Okay, okay!

It's going to be okay. Rick, I'm still number one!

Yeah! All right.

I went out and got wrecked. It's in the car.

Wait, should we go back to the party? No.

I'm great right here.

Yeah? Yeah.

Wait.

Is it going to hurt?

A little, at first.

But then ecstasy.

Yeah?

What are you doing? What do you mean, what am I doing?

You said you wanted to go all the way with me.

I thought you meant sex, not that.

Are you kidding me?

I thought you were cool, Petra.

But why don't you want to be with me my way?

I already went down that road with Lorelei.

You slept with Lorelei?

Don't you get it? Lorelei had me for 17 minutes.

I'm offering you forever.

Do you really mean that?

Do you have any idea how long I've waited for a girl like you?

Centuries.

Honey, you're staring again.

The doctor said it would be off in a year or two, tops.

Two years? If you were a dog, I would put you down.

Out of love and kindness. A mercy kill.

Do you not get it? You've got nothing to live for. This is what you had.

His life is over. Okay.

He's not a creature of the mind. He's physical.

We're done. We're done, God, you hear me?

We're done.

I know you're probably thinking about killing yourself. I don't blame you.

But don't do it because you might get better. If you don't get better, go for it.

May I be excused, Mom?

Uh, honey, I know that you're upset about Chaz Jr.

But it's important that we stay together as a family right now.

I didn't say I was upset about Chaz.

Mr. Keller gave me an F on my paper today.

Whoa. Nerd Boy's getting F's and hanging out with zombies.

Zombies?

I wasn't hanging with zombies. She was just helping me with my gazpacho.

Why can't you just eat a riblet like everyone else?

For the millionth time, I'm allergic. Besides, do you have any idea what's in a riblet?

Tiny ribs. Hormones, stimulants, tetrafluoraxipan.

It's a chemical compound otherwise known as TXP.

Okay, Mr. Wizard, enlighten us. What's so bad about TXP?

Leading cause of liver failure. Who cares?

Prenatal scoliosis. So what?

Diabetes. Doesn't matter.

Pain in the ankles.

Yeah, that would be hard for sports and whatnot, yeah.

Also, puff tongue! Puff tongue?

Yeah, puff tongue. Puff tongue?

Puff tongue. Pfft.

Oh, oh, oh. How terrible.

Just think of all those little kids with puffy tongues. What?

If this TXP stuff was really so unhealthy they wouldn't put it in the riblets, now would they?

It's what Saturn is made of. Do you know Saturn?

I know Saturn, a classy economy car.

I'm so sorry about the F, honey. You'll get them next time.

There's no next time. Do you know what an F does to my transcript?

No.

I can kiss my scholarship goodbye. You can kiss college goodbye.

What?

I'm sorry, but let's cut the shit, people. We're in deep trouble here.

Do you have any idea how much this crapola costs?

Doesn't insurance cover that? Insurance is for suckers, Ned.

From now on, when you're not in school, I'm going to need you down at the car lot.

Dad, dickbag gets to sell Hyundais and I don't?

Oh, I think that's a fantastic idea.

I'm going to my room. This one.

Why do you think he left the room? It's because he doesn't want to talk.

Do you got a minute?

Ned, listen, I know that at times it seems like it's awkward between you and I.

I'm excited that the two of us are going to get to spend more time together.

You don't mean that. Yes, he does.

Yeah. I do. I really do.

I mean, if you want, you can start coming to competitions.

There's Mathletes on Saturday and then there's Odyssey of the Mind.

And there's father-son NASA, which I think that you would really like.

No, no, no. You're overthinking this. You overthink everything.

Maybe just the father-son NASA. You don't have to...

Look, right now I need you down at the lot.

With the extra hours, if we're lucky maybe Jr.'s dream of making the pros still has a chance.

What about my dreams?

What dreams?

Uh, well, for starters, I want to be an engineer someday.

Son, how many times do we have to go over this? No one rides trains anymore!

You gotta stop living in the clouds and get real.

If it's not the lot, you can work at the riblet plant, be a meat bleacher like your mom.

I did 10 years on the ammonia hose and I regret nothing.

I don't want to work the ammonia hose or be a stupid freaking Hyundai salesman.

Whoa! Slow your roll, tiger. Leave the Hyundai Corporation out of this.

Stop telling me to slow my roll! Chaz Jr. doesn't have to slow his roll!

How come I'm the only one around here who has to slow his roll?

Listen, I understand we're all upset about Chaz Jr.

Fuck Chaz Jr. Fuck Chaz Jr.?

Yeah. Fuck Chaz Jr. Nobody fucks Chaz Jr.!

Ned, don't go! Chaz!

Don't point your finger at us! Point it at your old friend, Dag!

He's the one who threw that pitch! He's the one who ruined our lives!

Hmm. Mmm.

I just love your waterbed.

It's the best.

You know, I'm surprised you're still around. What do you mean?

I mean that stunt you pulled today on the baseball field.

We were all set to win State and Chaz Jr. was going to get scouted.

Yeah.

What were you thinking?

I don't know. I guess...

I sort of... I wanted to...

Like, impress you.

Really? Yeah.

That's so sweet.

Why would you want to impress me? What?

I said, why would you want to impress me?

Lorelei, I think I might be in love with you.

Dag, you are the weirdest, funniest boy I know.

I don't know what I would do without you.

Sweetheart, you know I'm saving myself.

Be right there.

Are you leaving?

Yeah, all this talking about sex is making me really hungry. So...

Yeah. Me, too. I'm going to go to Burger King.

Yeah, a Whopper sounds good.

Right? Yeah, let's do it.

I'll smell you later. Okay.

Yeah?

Ah...

Uh...

Oh.

Dag, your mother and I don't want to encourage pot smoking.

But we want you to know that we completely understand it.

It's actually not my weed. Very good.

Okay. Well, Dag... We get it.

That's what we're saying. It's Lorelei's and if it wasn't well, whatever, whatever, whatever.

Okay, thank you for being so understanding, but in this case you're not understanding correctly.

Okay. Your mother and I understand what you're saying.

It's hard to express how much we understand on a daily basis.

Really. Like, even 15 minutes ago, we totally understood.

We got it. Really?

I didn't know that you understood that much.

Twice a day, at least. Well, whenever.

We're on an understanding plane.

Look at that. Look at that. It's like an ice skating rink.

Look at this. I'm getting trails. Wow.

Mom, is there anything else you wanted to talk about?

No. No.

Oh.

We wanted to talk to you about some of the changes that happen to your body as you get older.

Don't do that talk. The thing is, the men of the Parker clan...

Um, well, we change relatively slowly.

But, now don't be frightened, when the change comes, it is...

Enormous. Enormous.

No, no, no.

A lot of girls will be frightened.

In fact, it took me a while to get used to it, but it's big.

It's a big change. Wow. And it's...

Whoomp, there it is.

No, no. I can't talk right now with you.

I'm sorry. You know, everything's in order. So...

That's fine. We just wanted to talk about it.

Later, alligator. Okay. Bye, Dad.

We'll just leave you to your marijuana, okay?

I'm about to get so high.

Oh, my little frowny clowny.

Beep!

I love you.

You are... All right.

Gazpacho boy.

Oh, hey.

You remember me.

Sure. Lunch.

Yeah. It was real cool of you to help me out today. Thanks.

Uh-huh.

Is that your family over there? Yeah.

Dad, Mom, some guy called Steve.

It seems like you guys all get along.

They're good. They share brains.

Now, what's it like being a zombie?

Do you get sad?

Basically, I eat brains.

And it tastes yummy. That must be nice.

Think fast, you zombie fuck!

So, that didn't even bother you?

What? That asshole just hit you with a slushee.

He did? Yeah, he did.

Oh...

Did he?

You don't feel anything, do you?

Okay, go ahead.

Take a bite.

What? Brains, not foot.

Well, there's a brain in the foot.

Brain in foot? Yeah, I put them in there for you.

Foot brain for me?

Bite it before they... I can feel them, they're going to leave.

Foot brain? Just bite the brain foot, okay?

Brain foot. Hurry!


I know you're antiseptic.

Your deodorant smells nice I'd like to get to know you.

You're deep frozen like the ice.

She's a germ free adolescent

Cleanliness is her obsession.

Ugh.

Cleans her teeth ten times a day

Scrub away scrub away scrub away.

The S.R. way...

You may get to touch her If your gloves are sterilized.

Rinse your mouth with Listerine Blow disinfectant...

Petra, is that you? Hey, Kathy, how are you?

I actually don't need that magazine. That's fine, thanks.

I think I'm going to just leave.

Oh, sorry.

Whoa. I never pegged you for a vamp, Petra.

I'm not.

Once I walked a lonely road

I had no one to share my love.

But then you came and showed the way.

And now I hope you're here to stay

Hey, it's Milan. Leave a message.

You give me light You are my day.

You give me life.

Come on!

And that's right.

So right, so right, so right.

What the...


All right. Everybody, if you give me a couple of seconds I will explain everything I know.

Who put you in charge? I'm sorry. Do you own a riblet plant?

No. No.

Is that your sexy Porsche Boxster parked outside? No.

Sit down and shut the fuck up.

All we know so far is that the spacecraft arrived around 8:00 p.m. on Thursday.

What do they want?

We don't know because we haven't made contact yet.

So why did they come?

That's just a rephrasing of the question you just asked.

How...

When...

Okay, am I just high or is everyone here suddenly retarded?

Can't it be both?

I'm going to go smoke up in your car. Anybody else?

Really? Yeah.

I have a goddamn question.

If the vampires haven't made contact, why aren't there any here?

Yeah!

But seriously, does anyone in this room doubt the possibility that the humans brought the aliens here to eliminate us?

No! Nobody doubts that, right?

They've been wanting to get rid of us for years.

Yeah! And now they found a way.

How many of you out there have had your wife or your girlfriend cheat on you with one of these cold-blooded ecstasy machines?

Raise your hand. Don't be ashamed. Raise your hand.

Okay, I see about 50 liars out there.

They write books about us. They make movies about us.

They dress up like us at Halloween. They're all wampires.

Just vampire wannabes. Yeah!

They could do without this planet, God damn it.

They don't need to breathe the air or drink the water.

We're the ones that need to defend this planet!

I read that they are putting garlic in our blood and you doubt that they're working with the aliens?

We're going to go and make a preemptive strike right now!

Are you with me? Are you with me? Yeah!

We need to preempt their preemptive strike with a preemptive preemptive strike.

I thought this meeting was supposed to be about the aliens.

Aren't you listening, you idiot? It's all about the aliens.

Yeah! Yeah!

Why isn't he saying anything?

About what?

About the aliens.

Hey. Hey, excuse me.

Did you call this meeting for a reason?

Brain rations no come today.

Uh...

Do you think that maybe it had something to do with the aliens?

Aliens?

Guys, brain rations didn't come because nobody gives a shit about you.

Yeah. Yeah.

Aren't you tired of being dismissed?

Just dismissed. Aren't you tired of being treated like nothing?

Yeah? Well, why don't we do something about it, huh?

Yeah!

Unbelievable.

No wonder you guys are locked up.

Bloodsucking traitors!

Tonight's the night, let's drive downtown.

The kids are out can't you hear the sound They wanna rock all night and day.

But the price is steep, can they afford to pay.

The devil's game is a danger zone.

God, I fucking hate you! You're the worst teacher!

I wanna Rock and Roll I got an Evil Soul.

Fuck yes!

What are you doing?

What's cracking? Only the end of the freaking world.

That's cool.

I'm not kidding. The entire town is murdering each other.

Oh, in that case, I guess there's just one thing to do.

God...

Damn, that's a close shave.

I mean, I wouldn't want you to die a virgin.

Sex.

We'll go to my house to have sex. Let's go.

Milan, hey.

Just give us a second, babe. Okay. We'll be by the car.

What? Hey!

I think there's something wrong with your phone. I've been trying you all night.

Yeah, Petra, look... How messed up is this alien thing?

I'm like, freaking out.

The truth is, Petra, I'm just not that into you.

You're just not that into me?

My soul is undead for all of eternity and you're not that fucking into me?

Chill. Or I'll rip your face off.

Just tell me why.

Why did you sleep with Lorelei but bite me?

Lorelei's a nasty freak with the body of a porn star.

I'm having sex with that.

But you said I was beautiful. Right?

When I see veins like that, I say a lot of things.

It's that pale skin, P.

You're like a walking pop machine.

Come on.

See, baby? Being a vampire ain't all bad.

You're such a dick.

For fuck's sake!

Oh! No way!

So, are we going to do this? Or what?

What?

Oh, dear God.

Okay. Okay.

Yeah. We've got to be quick.

That's probably not going to be an issue.

Lorelei, don't go!

Lorelei, come on! Come on. Jeez, man, where's the fire?

Holy shit!

No! Lorelei!

Bring it, bloodsuckers!

Fuck you!

Fuck you, too!

Ahh!

Holy fuck, Mr. Mosely. That was awesome.

Awesome? Hell, I've been training for this since you were in Huggies.

Bowflex, Soloflex, coed Capoeira.

It's all paying off.

Now, come with me if you want to live.

Oh, God!

No! Please! Oh, God!

The zombies are eating me! Stop!

The zombies are eating me! No, stop eating him!

I'm a zombie all-you-can-eat buffet.

Oh, God!

God, I'm going to be sick. Why won't I pass out?

Ugh. God, please let me die.

He just put some intestines back and took different intestines!

What the fuck does it matter?

Why are we still watching? I don't know.

They ripped off my arm!

That was my bowling arm.

They're eating my bowling arm.

I'm dying.

This is it.

Humans over there! Let's get them!

Run.

What the fuck?

I came back to fucking life!

"Porn star, but you're really all pale and veiny."

Fucking pale and veiny.

You fucking prick. You stupid slut, Lorelei.

Motherfucker.

Holy shit!

Shh!

Good boy. That's a good boy. Shut the fuck up. That's a good boy.

Quiet.

Brains.

Brains!

No! No!


Dag, help me!

No!

No!


Brains!

Bring it, fuckers. Really?

"Bring it, fuckers." That's the line you're going with?

Shut up!


Holy... fucking... brains.

I'm getting the hell out of here.

Mrs. Miller! Are you in there?

How did you know this was here? This is my piano teacher.

Mrs. Miller, please open up! They're coming!

Hey, this is Stuart Miller, her son!

And I know they're coming! I've been predicting a vampire attack for 10 years!

Stuart, hey, it's Dag. It's not the vampires.

It is the aliens. Open up the goddamn door, Stuart.

It's aliens?

Okay, listen. Has anyone tried singing to them or playing a song and then maybe they play a song back?

They don't seem open to any kind of music or anything like that.

Has anyone stayed around long enough to see a bowel movement?

Maybe we get processed through their body and then they crap us out as higher beings.

It would be disgusting to us, but for them, that could just be a cultural norm.

Open up the goddamn door, Stuart!

Wait a minute. How do I know that you're Dag and not an alien wearing Dag's skin as some kind of meat suit?

Um, my mom's name is Peg. I have dark hair. I really like, uh, miso soup.

"Meep, map, morp, I'm an alien." That's what I'm hearing right now.

I'm speaking English. Listen, hey! Pop quiz.

What was the memorable thing that happened during your sixth grade piano recital when you were halfway through Erik Satie's Gymnopédies No. 3?

All right, I shit my pants! And you said you had never seen a boy shit so much!

The Dillford Shitter. It's him.

Oh.

Come on, come on. Let's go. Thank you for believing me.

Come here. Come on, come on. It's great to see you.

Okay. Dude.

Oh, oh! Whoa, whoa!

No, no! It's good. It's all good. I'm Petra.

Nah-uh. No. If I'm going to have a succubus and a shambler in my command bunker we're going to set a couple of ground rules, okay? I'm alpha dog.

Nana is alpha female. You're number three, then the girl, then the retard.

Great. Good order.

Okay. I feel very uncomfortable saying this, but, um... we may have to breed.

Oh.

Is he looking at me?

Son, did you lock the trapdoor? On it, sir.

Let's go! Assholes and elbows!

Code Blue, Nana. Code Blue, Nana.

Hey, Mrs. Miller, after all this is done, I'd love to start taking lessons again.

What the shit? What? No, no, no. Oh. Oh.

Sorry. "Sorry"? You ate the Millers.

Yeah, I know. They were just standing there. We were like, "Should we?"

Dag, don't be ridiculous.

I'm not being ridiculous. You're being ridiculous.

You killed my piano teacher.

That was then. This is two minutes from then.

You killed Lorelei, too.

Well, guess what? We're all you've got now.

It's just you and me and him. If one of us dies, we all die.

He's still eating my piano teacher. Oh, shit. Ned, drop it.

Drop it.

This is so fucked.

Jesus.

What do you think they're doing up there?

That's okay, I can talk.

Do you remember the last time we were in a basement together?

It was sixth grade. Uh, Greg Sheffler's party. Remember?

We played seven minutes in heaven. You told everyone you touched my boobs.

I don't think that that happened, per Se.

I probably did touch them.

No, you didn't! You just walked around calling yourself "The Titty Whisperer."

I don't call boobs titties. Of course.

So where did they get it into their minds that you had whispered to any boobs or any titties?

Because we had to whisper downstairs and everybody assumed there would be titties because you are the girl and I'm the guy and usually the girl takes her titties out and the guy usually touches them. That's how it goes.

Do you want to know what everybody called me?

What? They called me a slut.

Do you remember that? Hello? Do you remember that or not?

Petra, I'm sorry.

It was sixth grade, I didn't know what I was doing, and I'm sorry.

It's fine.

I probably didn't have any titties to whisper to anyway.

Nobody did.

It was dark in that laundry room, but I remember something.

So, who are you these days?

I don't know. How do you even answer a question like that?

Are you a jock? Hardly.

All I know about you is that you grew six inches one month.

Yeah, that hurt my knees.

Are you a stoner? Not really. That was Lorelei's thing.

Right. Because it must have been so tough for her to get through the day with her mermaid hair and her gumdrop ass.

Lay off her. You killed her. Isn't that enough?

You really cared about Lorelei? Yeah, I did, actually.

So, why did you hesitate? Hesitate?

On the stairs. When I grabbed her, you hesitated.

I didn't hesitate. You're thinking about the moment when I have to process the whole...

Look. All I'm saying is that when you really care about somebody you don't hesitate or process.

You just jump right in.

Oh, just jump right in?

I guess that's how you made the genius decision to become a vampire.

I don't want to talk about that.

Oh, you don't want to talk about that?

I guess we were having a pretty good conversation, we were really getting it going and then you just don't want to talk about it? Okay.

All right. Well, then I'm just going to talk to the Millers then.

Are you guys doing okay?

Can I get you, maybe, a milkshake or a bowl of cereal?

Oh.

Are you seeing this?

You're the worst. What?

Oh! No!

Oh, I love this song. I hate this song. Please.

You hate this song? Who hates this song? Turn this off.

Look. Even Ned loves this song.

No. This song makes me think of my parents when they go into their bedroom to smoke weed and probably have sex.

Your parents smoke weed? Wow, that's really cool.

It's not cool. You probably only think it's cool because your parents don't.

Yeah, but my parents are dead, so they can't.

Oh, don't sweat it. It happened a million years ago.

Mmm.

Parents.

Did he just say "Parents"? It's the brains.

If he doesn't eat them, he gets smarter.

I took Bio of the Undead last year.

Stupid parents. No, no.

His parents are kind of a sore subject.

I didn't know you guys were friends.

Oh, I get it.

Like you used to be friends, right?

What happened?

We just drifted apart.

Mmm-hmm.

You got cool and decided to ditch him.

That's not what happened. I wouldn't do that.

Well, at least you lucked out in the parents department.

I didn't luck out. My parents are insane.

They're like perfect parents. My dad's a child psychologist.

My mom's just a parent, doesn't do anything but care about her son.

They do guitar duets and they want me to sing along to them.

We make our own ice cream every Sunday.

We have to have family yoga on Saturdays. Pure hell.

A lot of families do that. Yeah.

That's super normal. Oh.

Boo-hoo.

Boo-hoo.

Oh, it's a joke? No. You were just listing beautiful things.

You know something? My parents are probably dead now, too.

I'm sorry.

No, I'm sorry. I'm losing my mind in here a little bit.

I've been in here way too long. I know.

Can I ask you a personal question? How long can you go without blood?

I have no idea. But hey, while we're being honest with each other, I should probably tell you, I keep wondering why it is I don't just drink you.

Because I'll spear you in the tits. Yeah? He'll eat your brains.

Brains? Chill out! No.

All right, look, we gotta go to my parents' house and I want to see if they're alive.

I can't go anywhere until I eat.

Then we'll go to the high school. It's on the way.

We'll get food and we'll get blood there. And then we'll go to my house.

Okay, fine, great. So we do that and your parents are alive. Then what?

There's still an alien apocalypse going on.

Ned. Look, if we starve him of brains, he'll get smarter.

So we stay alive long enough for him to figure out how to get rid of these aliens and save everybody's lives.

That's a plan, right?

I mean, it's, uh... It's plan-ish.

What do you see? Nothing. I think we're clear.

What did you see? It's one of them. It's one of them.

Okay, did he see you? Yeah. No.

Back door! Go, go!

No. Fuck, it's locked! Just use your vampire strength.

Are you 12? There's no "vampire strength."

Okay. Go! Ned, come on!

Okay.

What? Oh, shit. I'm a vampire.

Whoa, whoa!

Oh, my God! It's okay. It's okay.

Cover your head. Cover up!

Aliens.

Aliens.

Okay. Okay. I'm okay.

Okay. Don't you wear underwear?

Shut up. It bunches. Aliens!

Whatever happens, we meet back at the high school, okay?

Okay. Ned!


Dag?

Dag?

Shit, he should have been here by now.

Are you okay?

I think I might be having withdrawals.

Withdrawals from brains? Yeah.

Ugh. That's messed up.

Help! Open it! Oh, shit.

Damn it. You scared the shit out of us.

It's nice to see you, too.

Can I have my clothes back before an alien spikes my asshole?

Yeah.

Ugh. I wish I would have had this earlier.

So, what happened? I thought maybe the aliens got you.

No, it was weird. They were all around me but they just kept passing me by like they couldn't see me.

They couldn't see you because you were naked, dumbass.

What?

It's highly likely their vision can only detect inorganic matter.

That's my theory, anyway.

Oh, Ned. We need to eat.

I've got to get me some brains.

Now, what happened to you, Ned?

I mean, how does the smartest kid in school get bitten by a zombie?

It's pretty easy, actually.

You got bitten on purpose?

Why would you do that?

You know, I used to worry about everything, you know?

Getting straight A's, my dad.

Now I just slow my roll, you know?

You just threw it all away to space out? That's weak.

It's funny.

We haven't talked in years. Suddenly he gives a shit that I'm a zombie.

What was I supposed to do, spend all of high school with you playing Minecraft and hacking the school's servers?

Oh, as I recall, you thought hacking was pretty cool!

Yeah, Minecraft and freaking DoS attacks were cool!

Yeah, so cool. In seventh grade.

"We're hackers, Ned."

But I'm not going to spend all of high school getting my ass kicked in Loserville! All right?

Where are you going?

Come on, don't be an asshole. You're an asshole!

I'm an asshole? Yeah.

Asshole.

What...

Dag?

Dag, are you in here?

Hello?

Hey.

What are you doing in the old boiler?

Nothing.

Okay.

No, wait.

Great. Now we're both stuck in here.

Aw. Cool.

Is this funny to you? Yeah, a little.

I was coming in here to thank you, you know, for saving my life back at the Millers'.

Well, you're welcome.

And...

I'm sorry for killing Lorelei.

Thank you. I mean, what am I supposed to say to that?

I don't know, Dag. I'm trying my best here, okay?

Okay.

Hey, maybe you could admit that Lorelei was sort of a raging bitch.

Yeah, I mean, she was a little bit of a bitch, but I really liked her.

I did.

Fuck.

You know, while you were busy really liking her, she was busy really fucking my boyfriend.

But she was a virgin.

Wow.

Yeah, that's perfect.

So, Lorelei screws Milan and ends up the coveted virgin, but I get bitten and I'm a slut for life.

That's not what I meant. I'm sorry.

That's why I bit her, okay? I saw her and I just snapped.

I know I shouldn't have done it, but I did and I'm sorry.

Okay, okay.

I can't believe that I'm that girl for eternity.

No, no, no. You're not.

You're not.

I am.

It's dark in here.

It reminds me of Greg Sheffler's laundry room.

So, the only question is, are you going to chicken out?

Ow.

Okay. It will be all right.

Wait, wait. What?

I've never done this before.

You mean the Titty Whisperer's a virgin?

So am I.

Don't say, "Really?"

I was going to say, "Really?"

Wait, wait.

Shh...

What's happening?

I did it. I did it. Oh, wait.

Oh. Shh...

I get you that excited? Yes.

Come here.

Are we continuing? Oh, yeah.

Do you want me to do anything? No, just shut up.

What?

Did you get me?

No, I don't think I did.

No, no. It's okay. I was scared I might have gotten...

No, I would never do that. Okay, okay. I'm sorry.

No, no. This was a mistake. Petra, I'm fine.

No. You are a coward. Look, I'm fine.

No! I'm fine!

Petra! Wait!

You could jump out this whole time?

She could jump out this whole time. I'm such a dick.

I totally agree. Ned?

Yeah. Wow. First guess. Very impressive.

How much of that did you hear?

Just enough to know you're still a virgin.

Have fun being a virgin.

Fuck off! All right.

Do you need me to get you some clean underwear while I'm fucking off?

Petra? Petra!

Petra. Hey.

Listen. Can we please talk? Don't touch me.

Please. Look.

Yeah. That's what I came to tell you guys.

It seems like they're searching for something. We have to leave town.

No. No, we're going to my parents' house first.

Wait.

The aliens can't find us if they can't see us.

Right?

What?

FYI, my dick is bigger than yours.

Come on, Ned. You're such a dick. Hmm.

We said we weren't going to look.

I lied.

Oh, great.

Okay, let's go.

Let's go, let's go. Run!

Ned, come on! Come on! You guys, hurry!

Go, Petra.

Come on, come on.

Mom?

Dad?

Mom?

Dad?

Ah!

Mom, it's Dag!

Are you guys here?

Mom?

Come out. Please come out.

Do you hear that? Where?

The basement. Wait.

Dad! Guys.

But it appears as if the alien forcefield, in addition to blocking the town off from all aid...

I'm sure they're alive.

They're not. They're not.

No! Ned! No!

Are you all right?

No! Ned!

Get out! Ned!

Ned!

No!

He's gone.


He tried to save me. That's why he's dead.

I don't even have the guts to talk to him at school or help him out when some asshole trips him.

Hey, come on. That's not your fault.

That's high school.

No.

You were right.

We didn't just drift apart. I ditched him.

His dad used to force Ned to be on the team.

Back when he was trying to mold him into a new Chaz Jr.

And so Ned finds himself out there, deep left, last inning, last game.

And I'm on the mound and I serve up this meatball.

And the kid hits the snot out of it.

It's like this thing has eyes for where Ned's standing.

And right at the moment of truth, it's about to hit Ned's glove and boom, Chaz Jr. just obliterates him and grabs the ball like it's nothing.

Game over. Mosely Auto wins.

Everybody mobs Chaz Jr.

And I remember looking out into the outfield grass and Ned's still there, just looking for his glasses.

That's the thing. He didn't...

He never got a chance.

It's not like he dropped it. He never got a chance.

Yeah.

I never really knew Ned until he was a zombie.

But he was kind.

And he was brave.

And he had a huge cock.

Ashes to ashes.

We'll miss you, Ned.

Nice speech, douchebag. I preferred Petra's.

Ned! Are you okay?

Oh, my God! Sit down, here.

Shit. We thought you were dead. I wasn't dead.

I was dematerialized and reassembled.

Is everyone alive? Are my parents alive?

I don't know. You must have killed the alien before it could send me to the right place.

So, instead of going where everyone else went, I ended up at the Little Caesars on Lakeview.

What? What do we do now?

We give the alien what they came for.

Think about it.

Why would they pick Dillford? What's the one thing our town's known for?

You're around it every day.

Wait, riblets?

They flew a billion miles for a great sandwich?

They want what's in the riblets.

Little ribs? Tetrafluoraxipan.

What the hell is that?

It's the chemical that Malphasta uses to make horse cartilage taste like real meat.

That's what they want. What? How are you so sure?

Because look. Oh, my God.

Why is that so gross? My face has been melting for a day.

There's pus. Ned! Oh, my God, that's horrible.

Oh, God. Ned, please put it away.

It's an allergic reaction from when the alien grabbed me.

And do you know what I'm allergic to? Tree nuts?

Dairy?

Ragweed?

Tarragon?

Tetrafluoraxipan, guys.

I thought I was spoon-feeding you, guys.

I really thought it was easy. Yeah.

Look, all we gotta do is give the alien this chemical, and they'll leave us alone.

Come on. Get over here.

Rick, are you there? - Dougie, is that you?

Yes. Rick, yes, it's Dag. Please let us in.

How do we know it's not an alien pretending to be him?

I got it. What happened to you at the Harvest Carnival five years ago?

Fucking hell.

I shit myself in the dunk tank.

What?

I shit myself in the dunk tank!

Oh, it's him. Let him in.

I thought you shit yourself at your piano recital.

It was a bad week, okay? Come on!

So, let me get this straight. You're telling me that these aliens can't see you if you're naked.

Then how did you three morons get here?

Well, these clothes are organic cotton, so they're no different from our skin.

Right. I forgot your mom's a filthy hippie.

Your blood, darling.

Thank you. Yeah.

Thank you. Will you check on the zombie kid for me?

Mmm-hmm. I will do that.

So, you ladies would have me believe that a bunch of aliens packed themselves into spaceships and flew a zillion miles to Earth just to get some riblets.

Yeah. Yeah.

Did they say how much they would pay?

Rick, please.

Just give them what they want.

You'd be a hero. They'll probably make a statue out of you.

Do you realize the entire town is being held captive somewhere?

Probably having probes shoved up their assholes.

Right. Statue.

Mmm-hmm.

And meanwhile, Daisy and I are fine. I wonder why.

Oh, that's right. Because we didn't run into the middle of town with pitchforks, trying to brain our neighbors. You know what?

Those people are maniacs, and as far as I'm concerned, the wider and deeper the probes, the better.

Hey, those are my parents you're talking about.

Well, I guess there's going to be shorter lines at the Parker family bathroom this year.

What did you say? Oh, I think you heard me.

You motherfucker!

Daisy! Hey!

Ned! Oh, fuck! Ned, no.

Wait. No brains. You ate my Daisy, you fuck!

Oh, dear God in heaven. Oh, shit.

God, we're really sorry, Rick. You're sorry? I loved this woman.

Can we just talk? Oh!

Please! Don't do this!

We need help.

That's it. What?

Yeah.

I'm having an idea.

This isn't an idea. This is suicide.

Look, Ned did it and he's fine. Kind of.

If we hadn't killed that alien, it would have sent him where it sent everybody else.

Are you fucking insane?

The three of us alone can't do shit.

We need help. Come on, let's do this.

We're still a team, right?

Ugh. Let's do it now.

I love you guys.

Come and get it! Come and get it!

Mom?

Dag!

Petra. Oh, God! You look great.

Look, let's not beat around the bush. You've had blood.

Hook a vampire up. Are you serious?

Petra, please. Now's not the time to get all periodic on me!

Thanks.

Go fuck yourself. And you were right. Being a vampire isn't that bad.

Bitch.

Son!

Son!

Dad?

Yes, Ned. It is I, your father!

I have been a terrible parent.

I never paid attention to you.

I blew your college fund on OxyContin.

I don't even sell Hyundais. I sell Kias.

Kias?!

Shameful, I know.

Point is, I've got major issues.

But I love you. Now and forever.

I love you too, dickwad.

Mom?

Dad?

Dag! Dag. Oh. Hey.

My sweet, little frowny clown.

Hey! Oh, you got all that time-slime on you.

Wow.

Oh, hey, look who we found.

Lorelei.

Hi. Oh, what the hell is that thing?

Ah, it's some kind of alien forcefield.

It separates us from the vampires and the zombies.

I call it the firewall.

At this point, fuck it, right?

Dag! Hey! Hey.

Petra. Oh.

I haven't seen you since you murdered me.

Yeah. Um...

Look, I'm really sorry about that.

No, don't apologize. I mean, look at my tits.

They're, like, twice the size now. God damn.

Ned! Hey, how are you doing, buddy? Ned!

Is that Ned Mosely? Oh.

Oh, God, he looks terrible. Ooh.

Okay, here's the deal.

I don't care how messed up these brains make you, I need you to think how we can bring this thing, this forcefield, down.

Help us get out of here, Ned, so we can give them what they want and get rid of them.

Come on, Ned. Come on, you can do it.

- You can do it, Ned. Push through.

Hurry up.

Just one more line of code.

Done.

Wait, what just happened?

No, no. Shut it down. Shut it down.

Shut it down now.

You're awesome, Ned. Shut it down.

Shut it down now!

What?

But why do they think he has the brains?

He doesn't even seem like he has any language skills.

Oh, that's not a word.

Sog attack? DoS attack!

DoS attack! DoS attack! DoS attack! DoS attack!

This is what we used to do back in junior high.

We used to overload the servers to bring them down.

We hit this thing together, we'll short it out.

Yes! Are you nuts?

Let the vampires do it. They're so goddamn immortal!

Oh, yeah, just like a human.

Put it all on the undead. Pussies!

You're a pussy, bloodsucker!

You know what? Hey, hey. Everybody!

What is it going to take for you idiots to stop fighting and work together?

Mr. Zimmerman, your daughter, she's a vampire, right? And you love her?

Yeah, you do. How could you not?

Mrs. Franklin, your son is a zombie.

We've always known. Not a real doctor. Let's quit pretending that he is.

All the aliens want are the riblets.

Now, I don't know about you. I don't want to die in a Palway.

If we just work together, we can tear this wall down.

We will get out of here, we'll convince Rick to open up the gates and we'll save our shitty town!

Now, what do you say?

USA! USA!

USA! USA!

USA! USA!

USA! USA!

Whoo!

All right!

Is everyone ready?

Three, two...

Fuck it, just run!

Hey!

Let's get those riblets!

Come on! Come on, let's go!

Rick! Rick!

Oh, shit. No, no!

The next asshole who steps closer gets one in the chest!

We need you to give the aliens the riblets! It's the only way!

Isn't that nice?

You know what? From day one, nobody in this town ever involved me in anything.

Not the bowling team, not the book club.

Shit, I paid for the goddamn baseball field, and I still can't get the drink I want after the game at the bar.

A Rick-itini's not a drink!

It is to me!

I deserve to belong, man. I deserve to belong.

Yes, you're right.

You do deserve to belong.

I want to believe you, Diggie, but I think you just want me to save you.

Do you want the truth? Here's the truth.

You have been a huge dick!

But I've been one, too.

And we both deserve to be a part of this town.

Rick! Rick!

Rick! Rick! Rick!

Rick! Rick! Rick!

Rick! Rick!

Rick. Rick! Rick! Rick!

Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick. Rick.

Come on, what's it going to be? They're coming! We need you!

All right.

Bring it, fuckers!

Come on, come on.

Come on, come on! Everybody in! Everybody in!

Go, go! Go! Come on! Run!

Creatures from the great beyond, behold the riblet!

Ugh.

Jesus, that's what riblets are made of?

How come no one ever told us?


Oh, my God!

Ew.

Ugh. Oh! Oh!

What are you doing, aliens?

Holy shit.

Wait, what's happening?

What is going on?

He was wrong! Your genius zombie friend was wrong!

They took our riblets and now they're going to kill us all!

Beings of Earth, do not cower in fear. Rise.

It's... beautiful.

As our planet's ambassador, we would like to thank you for giving us a precious chemical that sustains us.

Why does it have a German accent? I was going to ask the same question.

But before we go, we need to talk about what happened here.

We came all this way to essentially borrow a stick of butter.

And before we even got a chance to ask, you went bananas.

We had to lock you all up in the Palway just to protect you from yourselves.

As one of your great philosophers so eloquently put it, "We didn't start the fire."

"It was always burning."

"Since the world's been turning."

"But when we are gone, will it still burn on,"

"and on and on?"

You are fucking kidding me.

But that's a song. It's a song about burning.

Here is the point. Look at us.

We are 90 feet of intergalactic awesomeness.

Look at you. You guys are a mess. Huh?

Have some dignity, for shit's sake.

And you're welcome.

Hey, wait a second.

Yes?

Fuck you.

Oh, whoa. No, no, no.

You come here in your ship, you scare the living piss out of us, and then you lecture us with a Billy Joel song?

But our research indicated an abiding love for Billy Joel.

Freak.

Please, let's keep this civilized.

Ow!

What the fuck? She's right!

Go fuck with somebody else's planet, you self-righteous douchebag. Fuck you!

Fine. Have it your way, bitches.


Are you all right? What is that stuff?

Ammonia!

The ammonia's melting it! Ammonia! That's it!

Mrs. Mosely, the ammonia hose! Quick!

Way ahead of you, Daggy! Let her rip, boys!

You uppity little bitch, I've done a lot of slumming in my life, but you...

You might be my biggest disgrace.

Yeah!

When you really care about somebody, you don't hesitate.

You just jump right in.

Don't touch her!

Ahh!

In a way, I envy you.

About to see a world I'll never know.

When the change comes, it is...

- Enormous. Enormous. It's a big change.

Wow.

No.

I said, "Don't touch her."

No!

It's sticking out of my back, isn't it?

Mm-hmm.

Are you okay?

Did you hear that? It's him.

Our boy is growing up.

Oh, shit.

Fuck this.


What the hell is that?

Sub-atomic fusion explosive.

Parting gift, motherfuckers.


Ned! Ned!

Give him the high cheese, Diggy!

Wait, that's not supposed to happen.


There's a time to remember, a time to forget.

The world out there, just shoot her down No time for the quit.

Guess who. Lorelei.

Yo, Dag, what's up? Yo, what's up, man?

Look at you. Hey, you want to eat at my table today?

Um, I'd love to, but I kind of got some other plans.

Oh, well, that's cool, because maybe after school, we could hang...

Uh, nothing. I'll just...

Hi. Hey.

Should we go find Ned?

No, it looks like he's bonding with Chaz Jr. today.

Oh.

That is my thigh.

So, what should we do?

I don't know.

Maybe we should make out under the bleachers.

Huh.

Bring it, fucker.

I am so into you.

I don't care about tomorrow when I feel like this today.

So, who are you these days?

I'm Nick Braun.

What do they look like? Is it like Spielberg or more Giger?

Who the fuck is Giger? I don't know.

H.R. Giger. He designed the aliens in Alien.

Who's pitching it to me?

Did you ever see the movie Schindler's List?

You know, he wanted to save all these people...

Save all these lives that were worth saving, right?

Well, you're like my opposite Schindler.

This is really going to fuck you up.

I dropped my weapon. Hold on.

Are you ready to give up yet?

Say it more like you're choking.

I am choking, though. That's why it's hard to say this shit.

We're "understanding" parents. Yeah. Right.

You do the other quote. Yeah, all right.

You guys understand too much.

Maybe a little too much some days. When we have to drive.

We should all do it sometime together or something.

Oh, no. Not important to do that. No.

It's a... Yeah. Generational.

What, did I stutter?

No! A little bit.

You did stutter a little bit.

My jaw is half gone. Way to make fun of me.

I didn't mean that. Sorry. Class act, this guy.

It's not going to get better, so just... Got it.

I'm going to take a key. I'm going to stick it in my mouth, and I'm going to turn it and I'm going to lock it.

But you're still talking. Yep.

No-one can stop ya if you truly believe it just fixiate to cut you There's no place for the weak.

People sad collect dodges Wait for someone to break.

It's all right, it's okay.

You can be anytime you want to.

Take your time, walk away.

You can come back if you're supposed to.

Ooh-la-la, ooh-la-la.

Ooh-la-la, ooh-la-la.

Ooh-la-la, ooh-la-la.

Ooh-la-la, ooh-la-la.

Ooh-la-la, ooh-la-la.

Ooh-la-la, ooh-la-la.

Ooh-la-la.

- It's all right, it's okay. Ooh-la-la, ooh-la-la.

- It's all right, it's okay. Ooh-la-la, ooh-la-la.

- It's all right, it's okay. Ooh-la-la, ooh-la-la.

- It's all right, it's okay. Ooh-la-la, ooh-la-la.

- It's all right, it's okay. Ooh-la-la, ooh-la-la.

- It's all right, it's okay. Ooh-la-la, ooh-la-la.

It's all right...