Freaky Friday (2003) Script

Imagine me and you I do I think about you day and night It's only right To think about the girl you love And hold her tight So happy together If I should call you up Invest a dime And you say you belong to me And ease my mind Imagine how the world could be So very fine So happy together...

Honey, wake up. No.

Anna, greet the day.

For all my life Me and you And you and me No matter how they toss the dice It has to be The only one for me is you And you for me Anna, honey, you've gotta wake up.

I can't see me loving nobody but you For all my life When you're with me, baby That's it.

I have had it!

Anna, hurry up! What? I'm ready.

Settle on a station, please. OK.

I'm gonna get a little stud right here, OK?

I don't want my maid of honor looking like a harlot.

Come on, Mom. Everyone's got one.

Everyone? Harry, everyone has one.

I can't believe you. You're ruining my life.

You know what? End of discussion.

Feet down.

OK, if I can drive. Fine. Did you bring your permit?

No, I can't find it.

You can't find it? What did you do with it, troll?

Anna, why do you always blame him for everything?

He couldn't find anything in your room. Why do you always take his side?

Anna. No, why?

Let's not do this again, please.

And fix your shirt.

Look, there's Stacey Hinkhouse. Joy.

Hi, Stacey. Hi, Mrs. Coleman.

Congratulations on your big day. Thanks, say hi to your mom for me.

OK, bye! OK, bye. Hi, girls!

You never see Stacey anymore.

How is she? Evil. She hates me now.

Why? Would you leave your brother alone?

See! She always starts it.

Bye, honey! Make good choices.

So get out of my face, don't even try Ya wanna help me She had the same shirt? Yeah, but this looks OK, right?

The style? Sure.

So, it's cool. Definitely not.

Oh, kill me! Anna, what?

I can't believe it, it's Jake.

He's gonna think I'm stupid. I can't even put on a shirt.

You've never even met the guy, so, guess what, he doesn't care.

He's not even looking. He's not?

He's not look... He's totally looking.

I think he's gonna talk to you. Shut up.

Thanks. Sorry.

Why would I want a leprechaun ice sculpture? I'm not even Irish.

Could you hold on a second?

¡Señora, cuidado, cuidado!

I am so sorry. I'm so sorry, sir.

Mr. Bates, I really don't understand this F.

You completely missed the point of the book.

It's "1984." How could anyone miss it? It's a blatant attack on totalitarianism.

About a rigid society, dominated by one all-powerful ego-tripping dictator.

My grade is final.

Except he had hair.

Anna!

Hello, Anna.

What do you have today?

Meatloaf. Turkey.

Evan, I'm so sorry. I had some car trouble.

OK, I thought you forgot about me.

I could never forget about you, Evan. I see you every day.

What about tomorrow?

Is this new? Am I gonna see you tomorrow?

You're gonna see me tomorrow, but not next week because, remember, I'm going on my honeymoon.

Oh, my God. You're not coming back.

All my therapists quit on me.

I'm not gonna quit on you. I'll be available on my cell phone.

I checked, there's no service on the north side of the island.

It will be fine. OK.

I've had a better week. You're counting the minutes, aren't you?

No.

How many minutes are left? 54.

This morning was good, but then I got up.

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh Last call Now I'm outta time And I don't got no Valentine Yeah! All right!

I just need a little therapy At least that's what they say to me Hey, ho Let's go I'm gonna start a riot You don't wanna fight it

Great.

No, absolutely not. I said no salmon.

No, it has to be halibut.

I don't care about the extra cost.

How much is it?

Hold on one second.

Hello. Hi, Harry.

No, you may not touch the power tools.

Yes, I would consider the lawn mower to be a power tool.

OK, I'll see you at home.

OK, halibut...

Could you hold on one second? Hello, Dr. Coleman.

Yes, Elizabeth, I'll be at the appointment tomorrow.

OK, good.

And Elizabeth, remember, you are a smart, strong, beautiful, independent woman and you don't need a man to complete you.

Thank you.

Goodbye.

Uh, excuse me.

Is this yours? Thanks.

Fender medium. So, what do you play?

I play my dad's old Telecaster.

Nice.

Cute shirt. Thanks.

You're in a band?

Sort of. What do you mean, sort of?

You know, we're still stuck in our garage phase, so...

OK. Well, if you ever get out of your garage...

Let me know. Yeah, totally.

You can come check me out. I mean, the band.

I mean I'll be there too, if you wanna come check...

I'm Anna. Jake.

So, what do you say?

You want a ride? Yeah, I'd like that.

Here you go, you can wear my extra helmet.

Oh, I just realized, I have to meet my friends.

They're waiting for me. Your mom would kill you.

So dead, and so grounded.

I get it. Moms and motorcycles...

Yeah. So, um, see you around.

Anna.

Listen, you like The Hives?

They're awesome. Look, I've got this import.

If you want, we could get together... Coleman!

One second.

If I were you, I would be thinking a little less about boys and a little more about your honors qualifying exam.

I'm ready for the test, Mr. Bates.

"Prepared" is to "you" as "not" is to "test".

What does that mean? Exactly.


What are you doing? Get out of my room!

Help me!

Mommy! Stop, Anna!

...on the second verse. There she is.

Hey, what happened?

Nothing, just taking care of my brother.

Yeah Yeah

Get up, get out Move on, move on There's no doubt I'm all wrong You're right It's all the same with you Thank you.

Mommy, mommy, mommy! Come here.

Oh, sweetheart.

Ready? I'm gonna give a one, two, three...

No. Ready? One, two, three...

Honey, go back inside. I'll be right there.

Anna!

Round and round Here we go again Same old start Same old end Turn my head Turn back again Same old stuff never ends Do this...

Hold still, honey.

I promise you, there will be serious consequences for her.

Hey, Tessie!

Dad, you're early!

What? You're early.

I can't hear...

You're... early.

Hold on, I need my glasses.

Grandpa! Hey, monkey!

What is this? One of them thongs?

I don't want to know.

What's up?

Hey, you guys. You know these yard apes?

You're early. What?

Glad you could make it.

I brought an early wedding present. What?

I thought I'd get the author to sign it. What?

I thought I'd ask the author... I can't hear you. Hold on.

Come on, let's get out of here.

What do you have under your shirt? Ryan, could you...

On and on and on and on Don't wanna grow up I wanna get out Hey, take me away I wanna shout out Take me away, away, away Away, away-ay-ay

Bummer! Not again.

Time's up. It's after six!

Guys, you're gonna spoil your dinner.

You know, this dad thing could be hard or easy.

Don't let her see you.

Good, now we can hear.

Speak for yourself. I could use those little notes.

She hates it when I pull the plug, so get ready for the fireworks.

Did I say hello? I must've missed it.

Hello. Hello.

Get a room!

Go, go, go!

This is...

Just one second. OK, but you owe me.

Hello.

Yes, this is she.

Oh, really?

OK. Great, thank you. Thank you so, so much.

What? You'll never believe this.

One of the bands dropped out of the Wango Tango auditions, and we are the first alternates. Shut up!

That's awesome!

We have to check in at the House of Blues by 7:00 and we're on at 7:45.

When is it? Tomorrow.

Tomorrow? Tomorrow's Friday. So?

That's my mom's rehearsal dinner.

Anna, come on, this is really important.

Don't worry. I'll work it out. I'll be there.

How can you? Aren't you the maid of horror or something?

Honor, and it's not the wedding, it's the rehearsal.

Don't they make a big deal out of the rehearsal?

Like, all your weird relatives coming to town?

No, they don't.

There's my Anna-banana.

Come on, give your Grampie-doodle a big huggie-bug here!

Come on. Grandpa, over here.

Oh... Hey, Gramps.

Don't worry. I'd never let you guys down. Don't cancel the audition yet, OK?

I'm gonna talk to my mom. All right.

We're screwed. Yep.

Yeah...

"I don't think he knows I even exist."

"It's so stupid to think about him, but I can't help it."

Jake, oh, Jake!

Get out of my room!

Get out!

Oh! My... My... Mom!

She saw it. I'm gonna check out those Lakers.

I'm with you.

Mom, did you see what happened to my...

I spoke to your principal. What?

Just now, on the phone. Where's my door?

Privacy is a privilege, Anna. Where's my door, Mom?

Your door will be returned to you, Anna, if and when you...

I need my door! Give me that door or... I will kill myself!

Oh! Can I watch?

Harry! Shut up!

I think we can dispense with the drama.

Maybe you can calmly explain to me why you were in detention twice today.

OK, I went to detention, but only because Stacey Hinkhouse kept hitting me with a volleyball.

When is this conflict with Stacey Hinkhouse going to end?

Never, because she's an insane, psycho freak.

You'd know that if you paid a speck of attention.

Anna. What?

I think you know I pay attention, Anna.

Enough to know that you got an F in English today.

Mr. Bates is out to get me. Oh, him, too?

Yeah! He looks for ways to torture me.

Like today, the one time Jake even spoke to me, he totally...

Who's Jake? He's just... nobody.

You say I'm not interested, Anna. I'm interested. Try me.

OK, he's just this really amazing guy.

Where'd you meet him? Detention, but...

That's promising.

See, why do I even bother telling you anything?

OK! Who's up for Chinese?

You're ruining my life!

I'm moving out! I'm never coming back ever, ever, ever again!

Hello, how are you? Hello, Pei-Pei.

Anna, Harry, you so big now! What happen?

Are you happy for your mommy? About what?

Oh. She's such a joker!

Who's catering? Chinese food good luck.

It's planned already. OK, how 'bout me?

Anna, I pre-ordered the Peking Duck.

Joy!

I know that's your favorite. Whatever.

The wedding's in two days. Think about it, OK?

OK. See you soon. Happy dining.

Your door is underneath the back stairs.

Like I didn't figure that out.

Stop groveling. Let her come to you.

She'd come with a hatchet.

Think I'll go check on that duck.

Anna.

Do you really think your surliness is the best way to get what you want?

I'm sorry, Mom. I really have been stressing in school.

I deserved every one of those trips to detention.

I'm gonna apologize to Stacey Hinkhouse and Mr. Bates.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'll try and do better, Mom.

I'll really, really try.

What do you want? To go to this important audition tomorrow night that we can never have again at the House of Blues.

An audition, that's great!

Tomorrow, you mean after the rehearsal dinner?

Well, during, but... You mean, as instead of?

You mean, technically?

I need to talk to you right now. I think I'm gonna pass on that.

Now!

Anna, I am going to make one final attempt to understand what goes on in your head.

Don't treat me like a patient. What?

All calm and reasonable, and, "I really want to understand."

I really do want to understand!

Mama, stay out of it, please.

Mama! OK fine.

They're gonna pick one local band to play at Wango Tango.

We were lucky to even make this cut.

It's a once in a lifetime chance, Mom. Please.

Why can't I just go? Please.

What I hear is that my special night means absolutely nothing to you.

I don't even have to ask if my band means anything to you.

It's clear to us that you think we're all noise.

Look, I'm a walrus.

I do not. Do, too.

I let you practice in the garage. Mom!

Anna, stop. What?

Let's talk about what this is really about.

This is about your dad, isn't it? Mom, stop shrinking me.

It's not about dad. It's about the audition. You're ruining my life!

Enough with the drama. High school is not that hard.

You couldn't last one day in my high school.

Actually, I could, and without getting a detention.

I'm sorry I'm the one thing in your life that isn't perfect.

You think my life is perfect? I know your life is perfect.

Your perfect job, perfect boyfriend, perfect patients who worship you...

You need a serious reality-check if you think my life is perfect.

Cut me some slack, just this once. I'm beyond cutting you slack, Anna.

But you are not going to the audition.

Yes, I am! No, you're not!

Why not? Because I said so.

Cookie?

This isn't really a good time. Now good time.

OK, thank you.

Anna.

For one day, the entirety of our life is not going to be focused on you.

It's all about Ryan now, isn't it?

Anna!

Get away. Honey...

"A journey soon begins."

"It's prize reflected in another's eyes."

"When what you see is what you lack, "then selfless love will change you back."

Whatever.

Honey.

Are you OK? Yeah.

Come on.

Did you feel that? Feel what?

There was an earthquake.

No, there wasn't. Yes, there was.

What are they talking about? An earthquake.

An earthquake? No, there was no earthquake.

You didn't feel it?

No, I don't think so.


6:45 already.

I didn't get the dry cleaning.

I'll have to do that on the way home. And call the mechanic, and the florist.

OK, I better get up.

I'd better...

Why am I in Anna's room?

What happened last night?

Did... did I pass out in here?

I have no memory of this. This isn't mine.

Those aren't mine.

That's not mine.

That's definitely not mine.

Anna, come here quick. What?

Mom's dead. I'm dead.

Come on, hurry.

See, she's not moving.

Oh, my God.

No, wait. It's breathing.

I'm not dead. What?

Uh...

Right, ah... Her chest is moving.

Honey, see?

You called me "honey".

Right, um... Are you sick?

I hope so, or dreaming, or...

Hon... Harry, go get your own breakfast.

You can eat Anna's cereal... my cereal.

Cool.

Hello.

Hello in there.

Wake up, honey.

Wake up.

Wake up!

That is it.

Could I just have, like, one minute, please?

Honey, look, I think something's happened to us.

What are you? It's me. Mom.

You're not my mother. Yes, I am.

Get away, you clone freak! Don't you use that tone with me.

Oh, my God, you are my mother.

And you're not who you think you are.

Look at me. I know. We seem to be inside...

I'm old! I beg your pardon.

I'm like the Crypt Keeper!

OK, that's enough.

I want my body back.

And I don't want mine? My wedding's tomorrow.

Oh, my God, my wedding's tomorrow.

I can't marry Ryan! Ew!

OK, OK, OK...

OK, what? I have no idea.

Mom, maybe we should go to the emergency room.

Oh no, all that'll get us is a 72-hour lockdown in the psych ward and a Thorazine drip.

No, we're not going anywhere. OK...

Um...

So, you're in my body and I'm in your body.

Why don't we, like...

Yes, I see what you're saying.

A jolt. OK, you go over there and I go over here.

Now when I say go... Ready? Yeah.

Go!

Hey, Mom... Ow...

Ow. OK, that was stupid. Oh.

Harry... Uh, I was just teaching Mom some new dance moves.

What do you want, punk?

You cannot talk to him like that. He thinks you're his mother.

We're going to have to tell him some time.

We're not going to tell him.

We're not going to tell anyone. They'll think we're crazy.

Maybe we are crazy. I, for one, am not crazy.

I'm merely a grown woman trapped in my daughter's body.

Oh, God, I am crazy.

Grandpa, could you pass the milk?

OK, Harry's still Harry and Grandpa's still Grandpa.

So, it's just us? What did we do wrong? I don't know.

Grandpa, pass the milk!

Grandpa, pass the milk! Earthquake!

Earthquake!

Earthquake! House of Chang!

Nobody felt it but us! Earthquake! Earthquake!

Honey!

OK, I'll take it.

I guess you're not that ready yet, huh?

Uh...

Sweetheart, what are you doing here?

I thought you said you needed a ride to work.

Right, um... Mom.

I guess you better hurry up.

Get a grip. I am not...

Darling... could you, like, chill for a sec?

Sure, I'll... chill.

Get going. I'll, like, go get your dad.

Alan, that's not our car.

The earthquake, then Pei-Pei's crazy mother, pointing at me and pointing at you. What was she mumbling in Chinese?

She did something. Some strange Asian voodoo.

What are we going to do now? I can't go to school like this.

You have to. You're on the verge of suspension, Anna.

And you have your honors qualifying exam today.

All the more reason to stay home.

I could go and take the exam for you.

I'm sure a high school-level test would be quite simple for me.

Are you kidding? You think you can be me?

Of course I can. Watch me.

"Oh, everyone's out to get me. You're ruining my life!"

It's easy to be you. I'll suck the fun out of everything.

I do not suck the fun out of everything. Fun-sucker!

This is ridiculous. I will go to school and you will stay right...

What? Evan.

Evan? Who's Evan? My neediest patient.

I've been seeing him every day for the past three years.

Oh, bummer.

Maybe just my face would be reassuring.

No. No way. Uh-uh.

I am not baby-sitting some 40-year-old whack-job.

What do I say to the freak? Nothing.

You are in no way to give anyone any advice.

That would be unethical. Just listen attentively, nod occasionally, and if you must speak, simply say, "How do you feel about that?"

You're serious?

You really want us to be each other?

Well, we'll get through this morning as each other, and then go back to the restaurant at lunch and get switched back.

Now go get dressed.

Good luck getting dressed without a door.

Thank you.

Oh, boy. You'll get used to it.

What?

You pierced your navel?

Yeah, I meant to talk to you about that.

When did you do this? At Maddie's cousin's Sweet 16.

When you get your body back, it's grounded.

What are you doing?

I don't know why you never wear these. They're so cute.

Yeah, if you're selling Bibles. What'd you do to my hair?

Oh, I've been dying to comb these rats out for months.

Now you can see your pretty face. What is this?

Oh. Fixed your jeans.

My patients are not going to pay $150 an hour to get therapy from a stripper.

All right, I'll drab up. I'll grunge down.

Go.

What's that?

Ugh!

Feet down.

Harry, could you settle down, please? Bite me.

Do you see what he does behind your back?

Mom... Excuse me.

While I'm apologizing, let me just say to the whole car how truly sorry I am for being such an insane control-freak all the time.

You're not controlling, Mom.

I'm the one who should be apologizing for my flagrant disregard for anyone's feelings but my own.

Well, at least you have a great sense of style.

Not like me. Enough.

Ooh, platinum. Cool. Don't even think about it.

Am I supposed to follow this?

It's nothing... darling.

One more day.

Yeah, it's great we're getting married, isn't it?

Even though my husband died. How quickly I was able to get over it.

Just pull up here. Mom, out of the car.

If you alienate Ryan in my body... I'll be nice.

Don't kiss him.

Mom, I just had breakfast. That's disgusting.

Nice. OK, here's the number for a cab company.

I want you back here at 11:45 sharp. All right.

Do you understand? All right.

What is that tone? Are you using a tone with me?

Oh, my God.

Uh, can I go? What are you so anxious about?

Hey, Anna.

Do you know him?

Um...

Kinda, that's Jake.

No. No! You gotta give him a chance.

That is the last thing I'll give him. Just look at him.

You don't even know him. I know he's too old for you.

Oh my God, he's coming over. Say hi back.

No! Say hi or I'll break up with Ryan.

Hi, Jake. Hi.

So...

Oh, um... This is my mother, Dr. Coleman.

Hi.

That's a great bike. What?

It's not like I've ever been on it. I'm not allowed.

I mean, I'm allowed because I'm old.

I gotta go.

Bye.

Walk with him.

Harry, do you know who that is?

Anna's got a boyfriend.

K- I-S-S-I-N-G.

OK, where are we going next? Harry's school?

He can walk from here.

It's 20 blocks. Fresh air'll do you good.

What about bullies? Run fast.

Tess, look, it's no trouble to drive him.

Whatever.

Hey. I've got The Hives for you. I beg your pardon?

The CD. Oh, yeah, that.

They're coming to town next week. I was wondering if maybe...

That's a nice thought. I'm sure with a haircut you'd look presentable, but I need to focus on schoolwork.

Truth be told, you're way too old for me.

But thanks anyway, Jason.

It's Jake.

Ugh.

Hello. Good morning.

Good morning. Hi.

Hello.

Stacey, hi, how are you?

Oh, wonderful!

Stacey, what are you doing?

Ow!

Run away!

Are you OK, Anna?

I am appalled that Stacey would do something like that.

Yeah, shocker. I am going to be calling her mother.

Forget about that. We'll get her later.

So, we saw you. Saw me what?

With Jake. Give us the dirty details.

Excuse me? Did you make a move?

Is that something I would do? It's something you should do.

Oh, no, no, no.

I don't believe in physical contact with the opposite sex.

At all, ever.

Nothing. And you girls would do well to follow my example.

Well... Whoa, whoa, whoa!

What? Uh, cold sore.

Where? I feel it coming on. A big one.

I don't care. I'm thinking of you, really. You.

OK. OK.

Good thing, I guess.

Need a ride home or are you gonna pick up the Volvo?

Oh, I will most definitely be picking up the Volvo.

Hey

Hey A- ha What I like about you You really know how to dance When you're going up, down Jump around

- Talk about true romance ASSISTANT: Oh!

Yeah Keep on whispering in my ear Tell me all the things that I wanna hear Cause it's true That's what I like about you What I like about you

A- ha

Hey! Ow!

Keep on whispering in my ear Tell me all the things that I wanna hear Cause it's true That's what I like about you What I like That's what I like about you

- Hey, how's it going? What I like about, hey Oh!


Dr. Coleman's office.

This is Dr. Dunn's office. I'm calling to confirm your root canal appointment.

Root canal? That's not fair. They're not my teeth.

OK, I'm not sure...

No, I'm cutting the dentist. You mean you're cancelling?

Yeah, cancel. Like I'm gonna take that bullet, please.

Evan. No, Boris.

Line 27.

Thanks. There you go.

Whoa! She's blind!

This sucks.

You wanna get that? No way.

I'm not answering that thing again.

Good to see ya. OK.

You're here.

Um, yeah. I'm here and you're here.

You look fantastic. Why, are you cancelling the session?

No, Kevin. Evan!

Evan. Evan.

So, shall we go in here and do it? Are you gonna get that?

No. So, you don't answer your phone.

I told you I wouldn't be able to call you on your honeymoon, but you lied to me. You're a liar. Know what? I'll get it.

Yo.

What?

$10,000? For what?

Halibut! Ew!

What kind of caterer are you?

It's disgusting.

Well, I'm not gonna pay for it.

Fine, don't show up. See if I care.

Yeah, I'm cancelling.

Yeah, well, same to you, dude.

So, Ethan... Evan!

Evan. I knew that.

Bates. I've seen him before. Where have I seen him before?

Like, every day in this torture chamber.

So, did you talk to your mom?

Today is a lovely day... for a pop quiz!

All of you should have finished reading "Hamlet" by now.

I'm going to ask each one of you one question.

And you will be graded according to your answer.

Thank God it's "Hamlet". I was in that play in high...

I just... I know the play. Like, that'll help you.

Mr. Waters.

Describe the character of Hamlet.

Um...

Hamlet... is, uh... one of the big characters.

I mean, he's Hamlet.

Um...

He's just... boppin' around.

Doesn't know which way's up.

I don't think the guy's got a clue.

You mean to say that he is a man...

Yeah. who couldn't make up his... mind. Mind. Exactly.

Very good. All right.

B. Yeah.

Ms. Coleman. Yes, Mr. Bates?

What are the central conflicts in "Hamlet"?

Political, of course, because Claudius usurped his father's throne.

Oedipal, because of the undercurrents with his mother.

And then, there's the timeless question of insanity.

Is he really seeing his father's ghost, or is he simply mad?

That is seriously... overreaching.

F. F?

F. Mr. Frenelli. Who is Fortinbras?

So, I started reading your new book and, it just makes me feel really depressed.

And how do you feel about that?

Depressed.

And how do you feel about that?

She and her best friend aren't speaking, Doctor.

In her diary, she keeps mentioning this boy.

And how do you feel about that?

Well, I'm worried. You read her diaries?

That's gross.

That's bad. Bad Mom award.

But I'm concerned that she and this boy might be...

I mean, you know...

Stop!

Stop! Nothing is going on between her and this guy.

If there was, she wouldn't be writing about it, she'd be out there doing it.

Her best friend probably isn't talking to her because she likes this guy too.

He probably even flirted with her. But he secretly likes your daughter.

He hasn't made his move yet because that wouldn't be cool, so now her friend is acting like some psycho freak.

OK?

That's very interesting. I never would have thought about it that way.

Cool, guess we're done.

Hey, hold up. All right.

Mr. Bates, may I please speak with you?

I think that'd be fairly pointless, but go ahead.

By what stretch of the imagination...

I mean, like, how could I get an F? What mistakes did I make?

Grading is subjective. That was a college-level analysis.

You're qualified to make that assessment?

As a matter of fact, I most certainly am.

Well, in the words of Hamlet, "What's done is done."

That's Macbeth, you know-nothing twi...

Bates! Elton Bates!

Griffith High School. How do you know that?

You asked me, I mean my mom, to the prom, but she turned you down.

This is not an appropriate... Now you're taking it out on her daughter.

Aren't you? I don't know what you're talking about.

It was a high school dance. You've got to let it go and move on, man.

If you don't, I'm sure the school board would love to hear about your pathetic vendetta against an innocent student.

By the way, Elton, she had a boyfriend and you were weird.

That was amazing! You totally destroyed him.

I don't think Elton Bates will be giving me trouble anymore.

So weird about your mom. What did she say?

About what? About the audition.

Oh, right, she said no.

What?

Well, it is her rehearsal dinner.

Don't you think that's rather important, too?

And you told her this chance would like, never come again?

She sympathizes, but...

Don't give us this, Anna. She's totally ruining our lives.

You are the culprit.

Your mom has never cared about our music.

Never cared? Who do you think paid for all of those guitar lessons?

Did she ever hear a thank you? No, I don't think so.

Anna, you said it yourself.

Your mom hasn't paid any attention to you since she started dating that guy.

That's not true. You talk about it enough.

I do? What is up with you today?

You act like you don't care about this band.

Look, girls... guys. If it were any other night but tonight...

Whatever, Anna.

God.


You picked up my car? Yeah.

Get out of the car, I'm driving.

Oh, my God. What have you done to me?

Do you like it? Get out of the car right now!

Do you have your permit? No.

My hair. It's gone. And what is this? What have you done to my ear?

Mom, it's an earring. Take it out right now.

No, it looks cool. Don't start with me.

Those clothes are going back first thing tomorrow.

Why? Everyone likes them. You look great.

I look like Stevie Nicks. Who's he?

What are you doing with this? I'm eating.

You cannot eat fast food. Why not?

Because it will go down your throat and drop instantly to my thighs.

Come on... Watch the road.

Oh, this food will make you blow up like a balloon, but it will do nothing whatsoever to me.

Aw, Mom!

Oh, God, this is good. Mom, that's not fair.

My first French fry in eight years.

I can hear the Hallelujah Chorus.

Road!

Hi! You back so soon.

Hey, sexy new look for you, Mrs. Coleman. You look hot.

Two for lunch? No, Pei-Pei.

We'd like to speak to you about something we think happened to us, at your restaurant.

Something that sucks! Shh, let me handle this.

OK.

When we woke up this morning, we weren't... ourselves.

Yeah.

Oh. Mama!

Ay, ay, ay! You come back here!

Hello. Hello. Did you give them the fortune cookie?

What did she say? Oh, she's crazy.

Jeez! Well?

She don't know what you're talking about. No idea.

OK, let's have lunch. OK, let's eat.

You know what we're talking about. Let's hit her.

OK, OK, OK.

Uh...

I cannot fix it. Only you can fix it.

When the fortune come true, then you go back. Not before.

What fortune? From the fortune cookie.

You find the answer in each other.

When the fortune come true, then you go back, OK?

No big deal.

You mean we're like, stuck in this suck-fest?

You're not going to do anything? How about 10% off catering?

No, Pei-Pei, I already told you, we have a caterer.

Uh... actually, there's something I forgot to tell you.

OK, good idea! How about I do?

What did that fortune say? Like, I remember?

I don't remember either. I hate this!

I don't want to get married at 15! It's not even legal.

I want my room back. I want my friends.

I want to eat whatever I want when I want.

Mommy. I know, sweetie. It's a hard day.

It's OK, we'll get through it. Sweetie, breathe.

Deep breath. We'll go home and find the fortune.

Oh!

My organizer. Make it stop.

It's been going off all day.

Parent-teacher conference! I completely forgot.

You have to be at Harry's school in 15 minutes.

No! I hate teachers. You have to go. I'll go to your school, and take your qualifying exam, and everything will be OK. OK?

OK, let's go. Yeah, but...

Mom?

Yeah, whatever.

Mrs. Coleman.

All right, let's do this thing.

OK. Well...

What can I say about Harry? He... he is a sweet boy.

But he's having a little trouble with bullies.

So? That's character-building.

Kid needs to toughen up. He's kind of a wimp.

So, that's it? I can go? No, not exactly. Uh...

Harry's very bright, but he's having a problem applying himself, particularly in math. So, hold him back.

He's short. He'll fit in, know what I mean?

Um... Well, you know, he's very good in English.

I had the class write an essay on who they admire most, and he wrote a wonderful paper about your daughter.


So, what'd she say?

She showed me the paper you wrote about Anna.

You saw that? Mm-hm.

Don't tell her I like her. Why not?

Because we have too much fun fighting.

You know kid, you are way more twisted than I thought.

Good try! Loser! Oh, man!

Good luck flunking.

Stacey, I want to talk to you. Come here.

Why this falling out? We were best friends in sixth grade.

I know I got involved with my music and you with your cheerleading.

But why does this have to be World War III?

All those years of trick-or-treating and sleep-overs.

Don't you remember any of it? I know I do.

I mean, how do you feel about that?

All right, let's all take our seats for the test.

Sit with me?

Communication. That's all it takes.

Hey! There you are.

You again. Look at you.

Love the hair.

Got a surprise for you. You're gonna be happy with me.

I seriously doubt that. Great dress. Sexy.

Oozing sore! I don't see anything.

Make-up. Great stuff. Take it easy, stud.

Save it for the honeymoon. You know what? We have to go anyway.

No, I have to get that fortune thingy. No.

No time, I've got my sweater on. No, I just have to go up...

We have to leave now. We'll spoil the surprise.

Watch your step. OK, OK.

Still got your eyes closed? Yeah.

All right, relax. Open 'em.

You're on "The Dottie Robertson Show". They had a last-second cancellation.

You're on. I got you on The Dottie Robertson Show.

To talk about that book?

Break a leg, honey! I didn't want to say anything because...

We're ready for you now, Dr. Coleman.

I know you get nervous, but you're gonna be great.

I'm gonna barf! Gonna be great.

This way. Go get 'em.

Watch your step.

Right this way and... I'm really not... and right there. There you go. Sorry.

It's OK.

Make-up's gonna come to you, sweetie.

What is this thing? "Through the Looking Glass."

"Senescence"."Senescence"? "Se-ne-sen-sy..."

What?

The sum of the areas of the shaded regions in terms of D is equal to: A: D squared times the sum of pi divided by four minus D divided by two.

B: D squared times the sum of pi cubed divided by D minus two.

What's pi again? 3 point something. This is ridiculous!

I've never used pi. Anna's never gonna use pi.

Why is it called pi anyway?

OK, focus.

Or C: D cubed minus the sum of pi squared minus D two...

Psst!

Miss Brown, she's copying my test.


Hey, cheater. I did not cheat.

That Stacey Hinkhouse is a conniving little...

Hey, whatever, it's your business.

I did not cheat. Don't you smirk at me.

If you're so perfect, then why are you in detention all the time?

I'm not in detention. I work here.

What would you say if I told you I could help you finish your test?

Really? Yeah.

My publisher doesn't think anybody's gonna know what the word "senescence" means.

Do you know what it means? No, please to sit still.

All right, they keep the tests in the file room.

We're going through here?

They're so burned out they won't even notice. Trust me.


All right. Coleman.

Anna Coleman.

My gosh, thank you.

Now, hurry up and finish your test.

You know, you really are something, Jake.

I'll watch the door.

Loved your book. I actually read this one.

That makes one of us.

Ready, and...

Three, two...

Hi, and welcome back. We're here with Dr. Tess Coleman, author of "Through the Looking Glass: Senescence in Retrograde."

So, Doctor, tell us about your new book.

Well...

I wrote it.

Yes, you did.

But tell us... what got you interested in the physical and intellectual exhaustion that seems to overcome those of us who are, let's say, no longer 20?

"Senescence", like "senile". Old people!

Got it, got it.

And, let's face it, we are tired much of the time.

That's why I've been craving caffeine all day, I thought I was dying.


But you still haven't answered the fundamental question.

Why are we so tired?

Well...

Of course we're tired because of our demanding and hectic...

Do you wanna know why adults are so tired all the time?

Because they spend their time obsessing about these stupid lame things they don't really have to do. Like cooking.

I mean, have you never heard of take-out?

And cleaning, let's don't, and say we did!

And quality time with your kids, You know what, quit buggin' 'em!

Leave 'em alone. They like it.

I don't remember reading any of this in your book.

Hello!

It's called reading between the lines.

Oh, my God. What?

That's my mom.

Try listening to the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, The Vines, The Breeders and, if you're excited about something, why do you have to hold it in all the time?

You know, just scream about it! OK, do this with me, all right?

Let's just say this cute guy asks you out.

What are you gonna do?

Come on, that was pathetic!

You keep all that bottled up, no wonder you're getting old.

I'm serious. This guy's hot. What are you gonna do?

God, your mom's cool.

I can't hear you!

Oh, she is dead, worse than dead.

She will spend the next year in a phoneless, dateless, Amish existence.

I've got to get home. Gotta get home!

I never knew girls existed like you She is beautiful, she is beautiful The girl is beautiful

Listen, I need you to give me a ride.

I thought your mom didn't want you on a bike.

You know, you're a little too virtuous, kid.

You know what? I'm late for my second job.

Just give me the ride.

I know for a fact my mother will understand.

You know what, I'm just gonna be very honest with you.

You seem really different than the person I thought you were.

I saw what you did to Stacey's test.

I think you're right. You're too young for me.

But I don't even know why I did that.

It's really not like me, honestly. Good luck, Anna.

Come on, they'll let her retake the test.

That's the first time Tessie's work hasn't put me to sleep.

I might even read one of those books.

Hey. Excuse me. Is Dr. Coleman coming out soon?

Dottie had her escorted from the building 10 minutes ago, sir.

But she rocks, doesn't she?

Look, she signed my butt.

Yes! Whoo!

Can I have a quad shot caramel latte?

Mrs. Coleman?

Jake... What are you doing here?

I work here.

Hey, I caught the show. You were... great.

Thanks. How was Anna today?

I mean, was she nice to you?

She was stressing a little, but you know how it is with school.

OK, cause if she wasn't, I'd have to punish her.

You punish her?

No mom that listens to The Vines would punish anybody.

You like The Vines? I got the bootlegs.

Shut up!

Oh, Anna-banana, it's you!

Where's Mom? She ditched us at the studio.

Harry, get down from the table this instant!

I'm imitating Mom. You should've seen her today.

She was so cool.

Ramones. Love.

Uh... White Stripes. Can't stand 'em.

I know, me neither. I mean, get a bass player.

I love this song. Am I so lame that I would love "Baby, One More Time"?

- Not this cover, it's a classic. Still believe When I'm not with you I lose my mind Give me a sign Hit me, baby, one more time

How was I supposed to know?

Oh, pretty baby I shouldn't have let you go

I gotta go. What? Don't go.

No, I-I have a wedding rehearsal.

Okay, whose? Mine.

Are you serious? I wish I wasn't.

Hey. Look, you're not really getting married, are you?

Please, listen, this was so fun and I'm gonna remember it forever...

But you can't just... Jake.

Look, I don't know what's going on here, I don't know what this whole thing is...

I just... I feel like I know you.

I have to go. Really, I just... Please.

Just please, let me at least give you a ride.

OK.


There you are, you little monster.

OK.

I see trees of green Red roses too

- I see them bloom Tess?

- For me and you Tess!

And I say to myself Tess!

What a wonderful world

Where have you been? You needed to be dressed a half hour ago.

No we're not. Tell me where you've been, young lady!

"Young lady"?

Uh...

Role playing. Her idea. A new therapeutic technique.

Switching points of view.

If I switch with Harry, do I have to wear a thong?

Earthquake! Save me!

Get back here, you little...

Anna, where do I even begin?

Could it be your career-killing TV appearance?

Your non-stop partying with my car and wallet?

Or, perhaps, my body's makeover from hell?

Are you listening to a word I'm saying?

Yes. And get that cheap stud out of my ear.

Mom, he is so awesome.

Who? Jake.

Oh, please, Mommy, can I go out with him? Please?

Not in Ryan's fiancée's body, you can't.

What am I supposed to do in Ryan's fiancée's body?

Go to this thing tonight, be you?

OK, that's today. What about tomorrow, Mom?

I really, really, really don't want to get married.

I don't think you're all that thrilled about me getting married either, Anna.

Why?

Why can't we talk about this?

What is it about Ryan that you don't like?

He's fine.

But he's not your father.

Mom, I really don't want to talk about this right now.

Time's running out to talk about it, honey. Please tell me.

Mom, do what you want.

Marry the dude, just don't make me do it, OK?

Tess!

Privacy's a privilege, Anna.

Tess! Go!

Yo, what's up?

You know what? I'm not really a prying kind of guy.

But just for the heck of it, I was wondering what you were doing on the eve of our wedding straddling some guy on the back of a big, black Harley.

Hello, it was a Ducati.

Tess, is there something you'd like to tell me?

Some fantasy you're trying to get out of your system?

Because I'd like to know about it now.

I just needed a ride.

I... I didn't really even know the guy.

I... I didn't know what...

He's a friend of mine, Ryan.

He likes me and my mom wouldn't let me go out with him, so I just had to beg her to check him out for me.

And she did.

And, she actually came to find that he's a very together young man.

And she approves.

Really? Really.

Snap!

Uh-huh. So, let's do this thingy.

You mean our wedding rehearsal? Yeah, whatever.

Tell me, baby Cause I need to know now, oh, because My loneliness is killing me And I, I must confess I still believe Still believe Excuse me.

When I'm not with you I lose my mind Give me a sign Hit me ba...

What are you doing? Shotgun!

I wanna talk to your mom. Are you insane?

I know I am. What are you thinking?

How can you entertain ideas about you and a woman her age?

What are you talking about? She looks great.

Really? Wow.

No! You have to disappear.

I know it's unconventional.

I know nothing can happen. I'm not stupid, I just...

I wanna know her. I wanna be able to talk to her.

Do not come near my mother or her fiancé, do you understand?

Man, I don't understand anything.

For God's sake, Jake, you really need to find someone your own age.

Anna, you're beautiful, but you're... not her.

Stop it! Promise you'll leave my mother alone.

Anna-banana!

I'll give you one thing, he definitely likes you for your mind.

Come on!

All right, let's do this.

There we go. I'll have what...

What you doing? Nothing. Did you bring it?

Here. Can you get away?

I'd love to, it's just I'm meeting thousands of 100-year-old people.

Those are Ryan's parents. Hi. It doesn't make them any less old.

Ryan, do you think I could borrow my mother for just one minute?

Sure.

OK, there's got to be some clue here.

"A journey soon begins, its prize reflected in another's eyes..."

OK, that was the switch. Let me see.

OK, blah, blah, blah...

"lack, then selfless love will change you back."

Great, that means we're stuck like this forever.

Now is not a moment for your negativity. Let's try to be selfless.

Give me your hands.

OK, I'm being selfless. Are you being selfless?

Yeah, I'm being selfless.

You're not doing a very good job of it because we're still here.

Oh right. So now it's my fault. Why is everything always...

It's Jake.

He must've followed us. Mom, what are we gonna do?

Mom? Mom!

Shh. Don't scream.

Just listen to us.

We're half a block away from the House of Blues.

Just tell 'em you're going to the bathroom, come do the song, you'll be back before they know you've gone.

I can't. I tried to learn your solo and I suck.

Yeah. Two bands have gone, and they blew.

We might have a chance if you come with us.

No. When I say I can't, you don't know the half of it.

Anna, don't make me do this.

What are you doing? If Ryan sees you here, it'll blow everything.

I know, I'm sorry. It's just...

When I look into your eyes... Stop it!

Jake, believe me, it is not me you like, it's Anna.

No, you're the exciting one. The musical one.

Actually, I learned it all from her.

I'm tone deaf.

Tess? Shh. Don't move!

Found it!

Found what? My earring.

I found it, I thought I lost it.

Anna's friends decided to crash.

You guys?

Know anything about this?

Well, I think they're trying to get Anna to go to an audition at the House of Blues, which had to be tonight. But I said no, she had to stay here.

You're kidding? No, that's how it went down.

I know it's not important and she's just a girl in a stupid rock band...

Dr. Coleman, dude, I'm really sorry, but couldn't we just borrow Anna for like, 20 minutes?

We'd never ask you or like, anybody for anything ever again.

I am appalled at you two.

I clearly said... Go.

What? Go.

Ryan... What are you still doing here?

Go, right now. Thank you so much.

I told you he wouldn't totally ruin your life. Thank you!

Mr. Dude, you rock!

Thanks, guys.

Are you mad? No.

Do you, like, not want to get married now?

No.

No, I don't, not if you're going to put me in this role.

What role? The role of insensitive stepfather who couldn't care less, or thinks it's a stupid rock band, or any of the preposterous things you just said.

How can you say I don't care? I'm not that guy, Tess.

And, if that's who you think I am, this is never gonna work.

When I fell in love with you, I knew you came with a history, and a family and I respect the hell out of that.

You've always put the kids first. That's exactly how it should be.

That's how I want it.

I never pushed Anna because I want her to like me on her own terms, in her own way.

Wow.

That's very cool. Yeah.

Now, what are you still doing here? What do you mean?

You should be over there. That's where you want to be.

Cheering her on, that's where I want you to be.

But... Go on!

Go. I can hold down the fort here for 20 minutes.

Wish her luck for me.

OK.

Hold it. You're not serious, no.

OK, great.

I've got ID for once. Thanks.

Well, you're all dressed up And then you had some place to go Yeah, you waited so long So, it's a good crowd out there.

Anna, what are you doing? What's wrong?

I can't do this. Since when do you get nervous?

No, I really, really can't. You rock harder than anyone I know.

The rocking may be in short supply tonight, girls.

What do you mean? I'm just not myself.

Anna, look, I know you're stressing. OK, we all are.

And I know that maybe it won't be brilliant.

But we'll forgive each other. We'll find some way to laugh about it later.

Right now, I just really want us to take this shot, OK?

We'll still love you, even if it blows. Yeah.

OK, I'll try. I mean, how hard can it be?

Don't forget, we changed the chord progression in the first verse from CCD to CDC.

You play notes?

I mean, I just thought we could play in the key of rock.

Yeah. OK, let's fix your hair. Yeah, what's with the bun?

Mrs. Coleman! Jake! Stop!

Look, I knew it, you're running away from him!

Jake, if you like me at all, you will just leave me alone.

Yeah, but... Please, no.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage the next act in the KISS FM Wango Tango auditions from right here in Los Angeles, let's give it up for Pink Slip.

Yeah Yeah

Get up, get out Move on, move on, there's no doubt Do something!

...you're right It's all the same to you I'm too thin, too fat You ask why, so why So why, so why, so why On and on and on On and on and on Don't wanna grow up I wanna get out Hey, take me away I wanna shout out Take me away, away, away Away, away-ay-ay Round and round Here we go again Same old start Same old end Turn my head I turn back again Same old...

What are you doing? I can't do this. It was horrifying.

It's OK, I unplugged you. Just go back out there and fake it.

No, I don't even know how to do that.

Come on, Mom, you can't tell me you never went to a rock concert.

OK, I saw the Stones once.

OK, great! Just go out there and act like Keith.

Keith, right, yeah.

Richards, Mom! I knew that.

Just go act like Keith! Act like Keith.

Not the behavior. No, just the playing.

Now get out there, your solo's coming!

Don't wanna grow up I wanna get out Hey, take me away I wanna shout out Take me away, away, away Away, away-ay-ay


Don't wanna grow up I wanna get out Hey, take me away I wanna shout out Take me away, away, away

- Away, away-ay-ay JAKE: Whoo! Anna, you rock!

Round and round Here we go again Same old story Same old end Turn my head I turn back again Same old stuff Never ends

It's a little early, but I think you guys are definitely in.

All right!

Are we in? Yes!

It was terrifying. I had no idea what it takes.

The guts. Thanks.

It's exciting, your music.

It's not noise? Most definitely not noise.

Oh, my God. Ryan! Come on.

Anna?

My first wedding went like this. Like what?

She ran away with the florist, whole thing went right down the tubes.

Don't make me hurt you. Hmm.

There she is.

Mom, what's wrong?

I have to ask you to do something for me.

Sure, Mom. After what you just did for me, anything.

It needs to happen now before all the toasts and speeches.

OK.

Clearly we're not switching back tonight.

I need you to tell Ryan that you need to postpone the wedding.

What? No, listen...

I can see you're not ready for this. And I can wait.

I was just so happy I wasn't thinking about what's best for you and Harry.

But, Mom... If he loves me like I think he does, he'll wait, too. He'll understand.

He'll be very sweet and gracious about it.

But please, just please let him know that I love him.

And be as kind as you possibly can.

For me.

OK, Mom.

I know exactly what to say. I'll be along in a minute.

Um... You should sit down.

Uh, hi.

Um...

I guess I'm gonna start the toasts.

So, three years ago we had a really bad thing happen in our family.

We lost a father and a husband.

I didn't think we'd ever be able to get over it.

But then... this guy next to me, came into the picture.

And everybody could see I was happy again.

I was singing in the shower again. Not well, I might add.

But I was still really worried about my kids, Anna and Harry.

Whether they'd be able to... accept a new man in their life.

And, now I know how Anna feels.

And what she feels is that...

No one could ever take the place of her dad...

because he was a really great dad.

But somebody could, um, be part of a new family.

Its own kind of cool, new, little unit.

That for someone as special as Ryan we would all just make a little room.

Anna really wanted her mom to know that.

Earthquake!


Yeah!

And I am so psyched to be here.

I guess all I'm trying to say is, Ryan, welcome to our family.

To the bride and groom.

What the hell just happened? Trust me, you don't want to know.


Thank you for everything.

I love you. I love you, too.

What?

Go. Go!

Hi. Hi.

Listen, I... feel really stupid.

You know, I... Yesterday was freaky.

And, I mean, I see your mom and I like her.

I mean, not "like her" like her, but, you know I mean, I like her as your mom.

Listen, do you think we could just... rewind this whole thing and start again?

I'd like that.

So all your words get noticed

You know, I've been thinking about that kiss.

Kiss?

Remind me again how I did it.

In front of your mom?

It's OK, she owes me.

Oh-oh-oh-oh And I-I-I I think I'll change my ways

Tomorrow's a brand new day

Hey, why don't you ask that girl to dance?

No way. Come on, go on over there.

Stop bugging me.

Boy, it's true. Youth is wasted on the young.

You go ask her then, you old fart!

Now, wait a minute.

If I was your age... Cookie?

Well, I... Yes, I don't mind if I do.

Mama! What are you doing?

Mama!

Grandpa, Harry! No!

OK.

You're the kind of friend Who always bends when I'm broken Like remember when you took my heart And put it back together again I've been wasting time With clueless guys But now it's over Let me tell you why I'm through I've met someone new Who's just like you You're it You're the ultimate It's automatic I'm sure of it No lie So don't even try To tell me that you're not the guy Cause I been waitin' all my life For someone just like you You're it You're the ultimate You

You're the kind of guy Whose hand's in mine Sends shivers up and down my spine I want to do to you What you do to me

You're the kind of guy That blows my mind And now it's my turn You've been right in front of me Everything I need Why didn't I see?

You're it You're the ultimate It's automatic I'm sure of it No lie So don't even try To tell me that you're not the guy Cause I been waiting all my life For someone just like you You're it You're the ultimate you


You're it You're the ultimate It's automatic I'm sure of it No lie So don't even try To tell me that You're not the guy Cause I been waiting all my life For someone just like you You're it You're the ultimate you

You're it You're the ultimate you

Imagine me and you I do I think about you day and night It's only right To think about the girl you love And hold her tight So happy together If I should call you up Invest a dime And you say you belong to me And ease my mind Imagine how the world could be So very fine So happy together I can't see me Loving nobody but you For all my life When you're with me, baby The skies'll be blue For all my life Me and you And you and me No matter how they toss the dice It has to be The only one for me is you And you for me So happy together If I should call you up Invest a dime And you say you belong to me And ease my mind Imagine how the world would be So very fine So happy together Yeah, yeah I can't see me Loving nobody but you For all my life When you're with me, baby The skies'll be blue For all my life For all my life Yeah!

Don't you run Ease my mind Ease my mind Easy my mind!

I can't see me Loving nobody but you For all my life When you're with me, baby The skies'll be blue For all my life So happy together So happy together So happy together