Free Samples (2012) Script

[SAY HI'S "SHAKE HER SHOULDERS" PLAYS]

♪ My love ♪

♪ The whole world's gonna end ♪

♪ But when you shake your shoulders and squint your eyes ♪

♪ The band plays on in spite of everything ♪

Can't put two letters in one box I think you can do that, if it fits if you can get them all in.

Yeah.

Man I hate this song.

I hated the last 7 songs.

Yes, but did you hear what I said?

Jillian, can I have some money for the jukebox?

Play something good Wally!

What's that song that goes it's starts out Uh, I don't know.

I'll find it.

Yes, you do that.

Okay, what's this one?

Oh, hey, uh, okay okay. Watch it, watch it.

Let's sit back down.

Are you drunk?

A woman just left the bar that I used to go to law school with.

Are you a Lawyer?

She dropped out, but um are you a painter this week?

No, I'm not a painter this week.

That's good then.

It's Paula, her name is Paula.

C'mon there's gotta You know, I don't think that I've seen Paula in like a, uh, 6 months.

Oh, Jesus, what day is today?

The 19th.

You, remind me to call Danny tomorrow. and he doesn't want me to make a big deal about it, but you know, he's going to get all pissy if I forget.

Who's that, who's Danny?

Someone.

Danny.

Do you know what's really fucked up?

What?

What, what? Wait what's really fucked up?

Oh I wish somebody would ask me that.

I have a word or two to say about that.

Okay, uh, Jillian, what is, what's really fucked up in a word or two?

Everything.

I'm not a complete flake, you know.

If I said I'd be there, then that's what I'm going to do.

Jilly, hunny, I need you to wake up.

Nancy.

Who let you in? What?

I live here. You're at my place.

What time is it?

It's early, I'm sorry.

What- That's the hat that Tex was wearing when we met him last night.

Tex as in Texas? Is he here right now?

Look, I need to ask you a huge favor.

You wouldn't wear any of my pajamas.

Are those gophers?

No they're little bunny rabbits.

Nice, do you have any pajamas for grown-ups?

That was funny last night and it's still funny this morning. But, I really do need your help.

You'll be my hero.

No, okay, no, no, no.

No, Jillian. Jillian, we have to leave right now.

Great!

I cannot wear this shirt all day.

Look, I know, but you have to.

I don't understand how you fit your breasts into this.

I don't know. I like my clothes tight.

It's like wearing a corset.

Here. No. No way.

I don't have the sort of head made for a visor.

Please. This is a deal breaker.

Just drop it. Okay, fine.

But, we have to leave right now.

Oh, it's probably from Wally.

I made him sleep on the couch.

"Hey Nancy. I'm sorry but I peed on your couch.

I'm leaving you twenty dollars. Wally."

Ugh, We have to go.

[ BEEPING ]


You know, I don't understand why he left you $20.

I don't know Is that for you to get a new couch or get the cushions cleaned? is that he didn't even attempt to clean it up, I mean, spray something on it or at least try to mop it up a little bit.

I would be mortified, I don't think I'd ever be able to look you in the face again.

He's probably trying to remember where his $20 went.

If I peed on your couch, I would pay someone to come in a steal all your furniture.

I'd rather burn down your whole apartment building, than tell you.

Hey Nancy, I peed on your couch last night.

Get inside the truck! Just kidding.

It's so fun. You're gonna have a great time.

Yay! So fun!

Ok, anyone who wants a sample can have one but they can't have two.

Even if they offer to pay for it.

I know. They're testing this product.

Okay, try and get people to fill out these survey cards but don't be obnoxious about it...

Okay, um, this one is vanilla, this is chocolate.

They either get one or the other. That's it.

Where are the cups. Oh.

Okay, 12345.

That's all they get. Okay, now I've gotta go.

Okay, stay here one second. I'm gonna run.

I'm gonna get coffee. Be right back.

No, no, no, no, no! You can't!

I'm already late.

Nancy, I've never hated anyone more than I hate you right now.

What♪ Oh gosh. If you leave here, you're going to find my dead body hanging from a rope.

Ok. The intervention was supposed to be next week but my grandfather is having a bypass on Tuesday.

Does your grandfather really need to be there?

Well yeah. He's the only person in my family I don't think your brother drinks that much.

That's because you're a borderline alchy yourself.

Now I've really gotta go.

I love you for this.

Ok, I should be back no later than noon.

Maybe one? Really try for noon.

Ok, be nice to the people. They mean you no harm.

And step outside if you need to smoke.

Oh and go to the front there's a little switch that plays music.

Try and play it once an hour.

Oh, um, thank you sweetie. I owe you a big one and don't forget to call Danny.

Ok, I love you. Bye!

Damn it.

Great.

12345.


Hi. Hello.

You're giving out free samples today only?

Yes.

A cup of either ice cream or an ice cream like substance in either chocolate or vanilla.

Who's Mike? I don't know.

But I suspect he dreams of ice cream or ice cream like substance.

How do you not know who you're working for?

This just happens to be my first and my last day working here.

Oh, what happened? Big drama?

Does this look like an information booth?

No. How lonely are you that you have to wander the streets on a Thursday morning asking a bunch of senseless questions to the first person you meet who's trapped in a truck Look, I'm just curious.

Chocolate or vanilla? Which one do you like?

How do you work here and not try both your flavors?

You're doing it again.

What do people usually get?

Strawberry.

That wasn't even an option.

Your two flavors are only chocolate or vanilla.

Oh, that's a joke.

Ok, I think I'll take the choc-str-ch-chocolate.

Did it take a long time to learn ow-

Oh, thank you.

Hey.

Uh, Chocolate or vanilla?

Chocolate.

You know, you're like the first person around here who hasn't remarked on us being identical twins.

Well, I was going to but to be honest, I'm hung-over and I just wasn't entirely sure if I was seeing two people or not.

You're twins.

Thanks for the ice cream.


♪ 'Cause I'm broke, and that aint no joke. ♪

♪ A quarter's what I need but I'll take a dime. ♪

♪ Excuse me people!

No! Yes!

No! Yeah yeah.

I'm talking to you. Me?

What♪ Uh, you and that bongo have got to go.

My head cannot take it.

$5 I will give this to you if you go away. Where?

You don't have to leave the state or anything.

Just go somewhere I can't hear you, ok? Okay.

Cool.

Um, hey, hey! Uh, wait a minute.

I'm not giving back this money.

Oh no, I don't want the money back.

Do you want to make another $5?

What do I have to do?

I want you to go and buy me the largest cup of coffee that they have in Southern California.

Ok? Ok. Great!

And, uh, I need one real sugar. Say it.

Real sugar.

Yes, and just a drop of milk.

You know what, no milk. Just take the cup and say "Moo" over top of it.

Ok. That's very good but save it for when it counts.

How am I supposed to buy you the coffee?

Crazy, I don't know if you noticed but I just gave you $5.

But you didn't give me money for the actual coffee.

I don't know you well enough to go and buy you a coffee.

We're not friends like that.

You know what, I have one friend.

That's how I got trapped in that stupid truck.

So look, I'm certainly not looking for another.

Let's review. I gave you $5 to go away.

Now that $5 is yours to keep no matter what.

You put that straight into your IRA.

This new $5that is to go buy my coffee.

When you return, with the coffee, I'm going to give you your $5.

Do I get to keep the change?

No. Yeah. Why not?

Because I said so and I'm too mean to ever change my mind.

What are you, trying to seduce-

I don't understand.

Just go and get coffee!

You're a believer aren't you?

You believe? Oh God. You know what♪ No.

I think I can honestly say I'm just not a believer....

Oh God. I can't believe I got you to go away.

Then I actually asked you to come back.

Ok ok. Hey hey! You can do it!

One coffee! One real sugar.

Only you can save my life.

Go.

♪ Coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee ♪ Real sugar! Coffee!

Hi.

Hi. Chocolate or vanilla?

Vanilla, please.

Aren't you hot in there? Nope.

They say people are descendants from apes but I think my family is descended from reptiles.

They're all cold-blooded lawyers.

Oh, well I uh- What?

I don't- My family doesn't believe in evolution.

Darwin and all that. Ok.

Next.

Hi.

Hi Chocolate or vanilla?

Um, I want both.

You can't have both. You have to pick one.

You can give me both if you wanted to.

Yeah, but we live in a polite society.

There are rules. There are lots of things I'd like to do that I'm not allowed. Like what?

I don't know- I'd like to walk around naked for an entire year.

I'd like to sleep in a tent on a beach in Malibu.

Kill a few people. Quite a few, actually.

I'll have two cups of the chocolate.

Well, you can have chocolate. Just one cup.

But the other girl always gives me two cups!

She's not here.

Well, the other girl's a lot prettier than you are.

Alright! First of all, you're seeing me with a hangover- no make-up!

Secondly- I'm also a great deal more flexible than the girl who's usually here.

So what?

Well, you'll find out why it's important and people pee on that girls couch. Joel!

What? I thought I told you to wait for me by the car.

Why are you eating this junk?

I just had one bite.

Shouldn't you check with the mother before you give ice cream to a child?

I usually do.

But- Joel said that you were dying in a hospital.

He was so sad. I couldn't resist.

Joel! I didn't say that!

She said she wanted to kill people!

No! We were discussing civil liberties!

He's clearly taking that statement totally out of context.

Come with me, right now.

Uh, Peter.

Uh, where's my sister?

Um, I'm filling in today.

As I can see.

Where's my sister.

She had something she had to do. the same question before we arrive at an answer?

You know what? I feel like you look. unless you want to deal with a bunch of angry bees.

Had one too many last night?

Yeah. Then three more just to make sure.

Um, I don't know what she had to do, but she said she was going to maybe stop by your apartment.

My apartment♪ Why?

Uh, she didn't say.

She was going to cash this check for me.

Maybe you could- No.

Okay, well, tell her I'll come by her place later then.

You know- hey- if she told you she'd do it, she told me she was going to go to your apartment, you should maybe just go there. Wait.

Cigarette?

So tell me councilor-

Oh no- I'm not- I dropped out of law school.

I thought you were taking the semester off, slumming it with some weirdoes in LA.

Well, you're certainly not going to stay here and live "Mike's Dream" are you?

I don't know. We'll see.

Anyway, I'm wondering why you want me to go back to my apartment?

I don't. Then I won't.

Peter, why would I care?

Thanks for the smoke.

Uh-Uh- Stop it.

Hey, um, gee, you're right.

Fine, you're right.

Let's hear it. and your grandfather are all waiting at your house to give you a substance abuse intervention.

Isn't that sweet.

Yeah, it is actually. It shows they care.

You're not there. I guess you don't care.

You're my friends' brother Peter.

I mean- I barely know you.

The few times we've talked, you've been so drunk I could barely understand you or else you were mysteriously snide and hostile.

So you don't care if I go home or not.

Nancy's my friend.

It would make her very happy if you checked into a rehab facility.

And, I'm trapped in this stupid truck until she gets back.

So, I want you to speed home and do whatever it is that's good for you.

Thanks again for the cigarette.

Crap.

Sorry Nancy.


Yes. Hello?

Hey.

Oh, watch out for that.

Sorry- I got it.

Hi. Do you have any stamps?

No. Are you sure?

Am I sure? Yeah.

I'm sorry, what kind of question is that♪ What?

You obviously think I work in some kind of postal truck.

Do you think that I would work in a postal truck and not realize that I sold stamps Sometimes a deli will sell stamps.

Do you want mustard with your ham sandwich?

What's wrong with you?

I got kidnapped this morning and I'm being forced to wear a t-shirt that makes it pretty obvious that I need to get fake breasts, before people start calling me sir, and I haven't had any coffee.

I think your shirt looks nice.

Paula♪ Paula?

No, I know that your name is not Paula, you can keep on walking.

Ugh!

?

♪ Well you got the brains and I got the shakey shakey ♪

♪ You got the curves but I've got the pow ♪

♪ And how's about we get a little closer now ♪

♪ How's about we get a little closer now ♪

♪ whoa, whoa

[ VOCALIZING ]

Hey!

Are you housetrained yet?

[SIGH]

I know, that was pretty bad.

Is Nancy mad?

You urinated on her couch.

I know!

She's not pleased.

I know what I did!

So, how's it going so far?

Well, I gave a Homeless woman money to go get me coffee and she never came back.

A little kid gave me the finger.

And I had to make a phone call today and my cell phone is dead.

Do you have your cell phone with you?

No, no. That got cut off two months ago.

It was either a new amp or the phone bill.

Why, who do you need to call?

This guy Danny who I used to go to law school with.

He's kind of my boyfriend.

Kind of my fiancé.

Does he know that you're having sex with a bunch of different dudes?

It's not a bunch!

And, we're taking a small break.

How did you know I was here?

Uh, last night Nancy told me that she had to go to some intervention for her grandfather.

So- gonna ask you to-

Well the intervention is for her brother.

Oh, yeah. Well, that's good then because Peter's a mean little drunk. Dick.

Oh, by the way, my band's playing tonight you should totally come.

Oh, you know.

I don't really like your band.

Really?

Well you're not very good, are you?

All bands suck at the beginning and then you're great like you're a tight band with like thirty songs and a dynamic live sound.

I mean- you have a ten-minute song about sitting on the couch and eating Cheetos.

That's a good song.

No it's a horrible song they hate you and your band for the rest of their lives.

You are starting to hurt my feelings so I'm going to go.

No. Come on!

I think it's great that you have these guys you can hang out with and get drunk with.

And, you probably get laid a lot. Yeah?

See who cares if you're not very good.

I do, Jillian!

You know what♪ You seem like you're a cool person but then when someone starts talking to you you turn out to be a complete pain in the ass.

That's certainly true.

And then you do that.

When I'm trying to argue with you, you agree with me.

What am I supposed to do? But I don't wanna I hate that. I don't want to argue with you.

But what if I want to argue with you?

Wally look, I'm going to make it up to you.

Give you a free sample.

Ooh, you know what? I'm going to mix the chocolate and the vanilla.

No, no.Jillian. I'm willing to chance it for you.

No, no. No, I don't want any of that stuff.

Jillian, it gives me the shits.

It gave me the shits one time.

But you could help me realize a life long dream.

?

What's this scar from?

My brother shot me in the ass.

That had to hurt.

It's not that bad actually.

You definitely want to get shot there if you get shot somewhere.

I'll remember that.

I am going to wait on a customer with no pants on.

Tell me that's not the coolest thing ever.

Is it sexual for you?

No.

[MUMBLING]

Hey guys.

Hey!

What can I get for ya?

Sure is. I have chocolate and I have vanilla.

Chocolate? Yeah sure.

Two chocolates.

Two chocolates.

Coming right up.

A cup.

Ah Jillian? Yeah?

Two chocolates please?

Excellent. Could you get them for me?

Kind of on a break, Wallace.

Could you get them for me anyway and don't call me Wallace.

Mmm, no.

Ok.

One-second guys.

Is there a problem?

No there's not a problem.

Maybe you gentlemen could fill out a response card about how you feel about our product? when we haven't even tried the product? Yep.

Yeah- that's-

Maybe you gentlemen could come back in five minutes.

Sorry.

Ok, my break is over.

Yes, thank you Jillian? Two chocolates, How many pot-heads does it take to make one cup of ice cream?

Excuse me are you sassing?

Hey! It doesn't matter what they-

Just get the two chocolates, okay?

It'll be right there gentlemen.

Here you go. Enjoy them.

These. Both of you.

May I have a spoon? No.

They're-

Great.

That was really good Wally. [SPANKING]

That was a dream of mine and you, you know, ruined it.

C'mon. You could get a job as a telemarketer.

Work all day totally nude.

Yeah, everything's a joke to you.

Oh, you wanted me to take that seriously?

Want to make it up to me?

Come see my band play tonight. Ok.

Really? No.

You know, you're the best looking woman I would never, ever consider having sex with.

Wally, if I wanted to have sex with you, you'd do it.

I'm a guy, I'll have sex with anyone who will let me.

Why, were you thinking of having sex with me?

If you get rubber sheets on your bed, I'll think about it.

No. Hey, will you come back and bring me a coffee?

Uh, no.

Please?

A cup of coffee!

Should have been nicer.

♪ Time passed too fast before you saw her ♪

♪ Then it stopped short, short on a dime ♪

♪ And she's so pretty, she's so pretty, she's so pretty ♪

♪ And you've never seen so pretty in all of your time ♪

♪ And then you can get the governor on the line ♪

♪ Or will it with all of your might ♪

♪ But you can't change the fact that she's a diamond, ♪

♪ shiny diamond And you sir are merely just a man ♪


He definitely saw me pee.


Can I have a chocolate, please?

[MAN TALKING ON PHONE]

Does your dad want one?

Hey dad, do you-

Doesn't matter, just hurry up.

He can be such a jerk sometimes.

I understand.

He's an evil lawyer, You know, you're kind of lucky.

I didn't know dads could be jerks until this year, and The problem with learning that so late in life It just, it totally just breaks your heart.

You'll be okay.


[ICE CREAM TRUCK MUSIC PLAYS]

Hello there! [KNOCKING]

You can't do that.

I can't hear my programs with that music.

It drives me insane.

You have to turn it off.

I don't know how it could be driving you insane.

Turn it off.

No, I hear this music all the time.

You're only allowed to play it when you're driving.

You're not allowed to play it when you're parked.

If you don't turn it off, I'm going to call the police.

Driving. You said I could play the music if I'm driving.

Stop it. Stop playing that music.

Don't worry. I only have half a tank of gas left.

I'm going to call the police, and they'll shoot you!

Lady!


Hey.

Hi. I'm glad you're still here.

Can't say that I'm glad.

Chocolate or vanilla?

Chocolate.

Cat's or dogs? What?

Oh, sorry. I thought you were doing like, a word association game.

No, I wasn't. Okay.

Well I just wanted to swing by and see if we were still on for tonight.

And also, is this suit too much?

Too much of what for what?

Yeah, I don't know. Should I wear this Or do you think I should go home and change into something more casual first.

Oh, come on, you do remember me, don't you?

From literally last night.

Well, I know that you're not Wally and I'm about 50% sure you're not Nancy.

I was the man sleeping next to you, except you were under the covers and I was above them.

Oh, you're Tex!

Well, yes and no.

How is that a yes and no. but actually everybody else in the world calls me Albert.

Why would they do that?

That's my name.

Why were you wearing a cowboy hat?

I was having a bad hair day.

I couldn't find my baseball cap.

Why are you all dressed up?

Oh, will your bride be joining us for dinner?

My little brother is getting married.

Tex. Albert.

I'd like to stay with Tex. Okay The thing is, I'm not really dating so much these days.

Well, it's just dinner. Maybe a little dancing.

But, I'm not really dating.

And if you're talking about sex, we were in bed together, and quite naked if I remember correctly.

You were way too drunk. There are rules.

Are they written down?

Does this have anything to do with that guy Danny you mentioned last night?

Did I get drunk and tell you my life story?

Yes, well you did mention something about Danny, and there was something about you trying to be a painter and there was stuff about how much you hate your father right now.

Oh! Stop.

Oh God. I can't-

You know way too much about me.

I can't look you in the face.

Okay, you know what then Why don't I tell you something that no one else in the world knows about me?

And then we'll be even.

Like what?

Okay, so when I was thirteen years old, I used to hang out with this kid named Keith McGrath.

He was the coolest kid in the neighborhood.

He was good at sports.

He knew all the important curse words and and here, come here. that he would ride around the sand dunes that this construction crew made.

Were you cool?

No, for some reason I had great difficulty pronouncing the word "vagina" correctly.

I want to know how you pronounced it.

That's not important.

Anyway, So one day Keith McGrath and I were behind our houses in a large wooded area and he pulled out a pack of matches We started setting bigger and bigger piles of leaves on fire.

And the leaves started blowing around.

It got out of control.

They set the bushes on fire.

It started jumping to the trees.

We tried to put it out with our coats but it just started getting worse.

So- Without saying a word we decided to run, And I was amazed because I was running as fast as Keith McGrath.

Why do you keep saying his full name?

Because Keith McGrath was so cool that you would never want to confuse him with any other lesser Keith.

Right so we both ran back to the house.

Oh you got-

Hey you, yeah you.

We're closed.

That's good.

I don't think he'll ever come back.

So you ran.

Okay, right. So as I'm running I realize I'm going twice as fast as I ever had before.

And not just fast, I'm I'm graceful.

Like a young deer.

I realize that I'm I'm running like Keith.

Keith McGrath?

So the old sniveling me would have ran to my house, gone upstairs to my bedroom and cried while I waited for my parents to come home and punish me.

But now I could run like a deer.

So- So, what did I do?

I ran into the kitchen, I grabbed the phone.

I dialed 9-1-1 and reported the fire. then I bounded back outside on my new legs, and I waited for the firemen to arrive.

And when they did I took them back out to the fire and it was put out with very little damage done at all.

And you didn't get in trouble for starting the fire?

Well the old me would have but-

When the fireman asked me what happened I didn't cry or piss my pants.

I just looked them right in the eye and told them that I saw older boy playing with matches and that they started the fire.

And they believed you?

Yeah, they did.

And you didn't tell anyone?

Well, I told you and um-

I almost told my father the night before my parade.

Your parade?

I was a hero. Heroes get parades.

And Keith McGrath?

Keith McGrath.

The coolest kid I had ever known went straight to his bedroom and cried while he waited to be punished.

I tell you something happened that day.

It sounds like you thought quickly and he panicked.

Yeah, you could say that.

And what would you say?

I say on that day, as we ran out of those woods Keith McGrath and I exchanged souls.

Exchanged souls.

How does it work?

I don't know.

But I tell you, I never changed back.

And the change was total.

Keith found out that he was too clumsy for sports anymore.

He started smoking a lot of pot.

He gained weight.

Girls started to avoid him whereas they used to flock to him.

And you could run? Not just run.

It was like my remaining baby fat burned off overnight.

I grew six inches by the end of the school year.

My classes started to seem easy.

I became an honor student.

And did I mention girls?

Well, I started dating actual live girls.

It was like a whole new world. while I write my thesis for my masters in Literature.

It's a critical study of a trio of Paul Auster novels called The New York Trilogy.

You kidding? I love Paul Auster.

Yeah, I know.

Was last night just a complete black out to you?

I remember the cowboy hat.

You got your masters in Literature, right?

Yeah. Okay.

If I'm without devotion then I'm faithless but if I'm filled with hope then I'm faithful.

Okay, and if I go to a dentist for a simple cleaning then that's painless but if I get a root canal then that is painful. Yes.

Okay. Now, if I do anything to get what I want then that is ruthless, but If I don't actively pursue anything then is that ruthful?

I see. Do you?

Why does her name work in one context and not in another.

Um, I don't know.

You know, but I'll have an answer for you tonight.

You will?

It's not too far from the bar we were at last night.

I'm going to be there at about 8pm.

I would love for you to join me.

It's just- I'm not really dating.

All right, there's no pressure.

You're sure that I'm going to be there aren't you?

Who doesn't like Mexican food?

Here you go.

What school did you go to?

Stanford. Oh, are you joking?

Really♪ So you see we could have been dating this whole time.

We could have moved passed this awkward stage and be, and be smack in the middle of the good stuff by now.

The good stuff?

What the hell is that?

Well, if you meet me tonight you'll be one step closer to finding out.


Chocolate or vanilla?

Oh, not so fast.

What's in this stuff?

I don't know. Um, it's made with love.

I'm lactose intolerant.

That means that I can't have anything with dairy in it.

Well it looks like ice cream; it might be yogurt.

Don't you have a list of ingredients anywhere?

No.

Can you look for them?

Yeah, no I didn't see them.

You didn't even look for them.

Look, I think there's a chance that this product I think it would be wise for you to not try one of our samples.

Okay, but if you have some with soy then I can have that.

Would it A) Kill you or B) save your life if you missed out on snacking between meals.

You just called me fat.

I did no such thing but you certainly are.

You just did it again.

No. That was the first time.

I'm going to call your boss.

You have no right to talk to people like that.


[ GRUNTING ]

Hi, do you need any help?

No.

Do you want me to bring a cup to you?

No, just don't close until I get there.

Uh, chocolate or vanilla?

You're not the usual girl.

She had somewhere else she needed to be today.

Oh, um, well she usually has a chair for me to use.

Uh chocolate.

You like it? Oh, no.

No, it has sort of a bitter chalky taste.

Well, why do you come all the way over here if you don't like it?

Well, it reminds me when I was thirteen, just a little thing on the Jersey coast.

Oh Jersey coast.

But that was seven or eight lifetimes ago.

Oh, I'm sorry, are you talking about reincarnation?

Oh no. One life is enough for anyone.

But there are so many lives within that life.

You're so young you're probably on your first one.

Uh, yeah, I guess.

I don't know. I feel really old.

You know, when I was thirteen, I used to be a very devout Catholic.

But thirteen turned out to be my religious peak, and I've been on a Catholic downhill ever since.

Do you believe in God?

No.

Mmm.

I can't seem to let him go.

I've been wondering for years now why he, why he keeps me alive.

My first husband is dead.

All three of my husbands are dead.

I never had any children of my own.

So I'm ready.

I've been ready since 1954, when my first husband Ricardo Ortiz died.

You've probably never heard of him.

Ricardo Ortiz?

He did a few movies and that's where we met.

Of course, they changed his name to Richard Olsen.

There was talk of him being the next Cary Grant.

But the camera never saw it.

Ricardo was walking sex in a male form.

And either the camera sees it or it doesn't and with him, it didn't.

But if you're a woman sitting next to him you'd have trouble following the conversation because all you would be thinking is when is he going to kiss me?

Where is the first place he will touch me?

Am I going to faint?

I want him to touch me in places that's going to make my skin burn.

Wow.

Yeah, it was a wow.

We married in the fall after we finished a musical called um--

"Two Plus One." Did you see it?

I was the second lead.

I had a wonderful number in a nightclub.

How many movies have you done?

Mmm, Hundreds.

Hundreds?

Mm-Hmm, Well, but I wasn't the star.

I'd work on a picture for one week maybe two at the most.

But it adds up.

I was Betty Rockland then.

With the reddest hair you ever did see.

I'm being punished for my pride now.

Pride goeth before the fall.

What do you mean?

When my last husband Stanford Miller died I should have gone to one of those Actor's Retirement Homes.

I just couldn't do it.

Well, my nickname at Warner Brothers was the beauty.

Can you believe that?

Ridiculous.

You're still beautiful Betty.

It's a good thing you don't believe in God because He'd snap your tongue right out of your mouth.

No, I could never, I could never let them see me like this.

The great actors would be reading pages of Shakespeare.

There wouldn't be a dry eye in the house.

The comedians would be using all those old jokes and everybody would laugh.

What could I do?

I- I thought the whole point of retirement is that you don't have to do anything.

It's like your reward for a life well lived.

Who has had one of those?

You should let somebody call one of those homes for you.

No.

I would go through the next 200 years in pain before I will let them see me like this.

Um.

I think I should go in the truck.

[SIGH]

Alright, well this has been wonderful, thank you.

I'll get that.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

You good?

I think so, yes.

I'm over in apartment 2B.

In that apartment house over there. Come see me.


Hello?

Hey, hello?

Is this your truck?

You wouldn't happen to have a stamp, would you?

Stamp?

You know what, I'm out.

You should check back tomorrow.

It's a bill, I need it today.

I'll buy a coke or whatever I just need one.

Where's it going♪ Maybe I can drop it off when I'm done.

It's going to Cleveland.

Cleveland?

Yep, yep, you should give it to me.

I've always wanted to go to Cleveland.

You know, you food truck people think you're so cool.

I can get ice cream at the grocery store.

You don't trust me?

You're in someone's neighborhood.

You should act a little nicer.

This isn't your neighborhood you know.

You sure?

I'll cut your tires.

?


Hello?

Excuse me?

Hi, what time is it?

Oh, it's almost three.

My friend and I were hoping to get some ice cream.

Uh, go around to the front, I'll be right there.

Okay.

Jillian?

Paula!

Oh my God, what are you doing here?

I think I've seen you twice in the past two days. Where?

I saw you leaving a bar last night, then you were around here earlier today?

Why are you here, in Los Angeles?

I got a summer internship and William and Morris in the legal department.

Oh course you do. You're doing entertainment law.

This is my cousin Penny, I'm staying with her and my aunt this summer.

Hi. Hi.

What are you doing here, do you actually work here?

Oh no, I'm just filling in for a friend.

I didn't think you would-

Not that what I'm doing is much better.

I'm bartending two nights a week at a club.

Money, you know. Your cousin and I were good friends at Stanford Law, but I've taken a semester off to see if I can do something in the arts instead.

I thought I was going to try classical piano but it is ridiculously difficult.

And I ended up competing with all these little Asian girls who were playing since they were like five or six years old.

You could try something else.

I did. I mean, I tried guitar for a while and..

I painted for the past few months.

No, no I'm terrible and my teacher looks at me like I took a crap on the canvas.

You should come back to Stanford in the fall.

I don't think that I can.

What are you going to do here?

Um, I'm a little lost,

but I think Los Angeles is the perfect place to, you know, be un-tethered, float amongst the stars and you know, it's giving me time to think.

That sounds cool.

I'm lying. Really, I'm just drinking way too much and I'm sleeping with surfer boys and wanna-be musicians.

Oh, Jesus! Please don't tell Danny that!

Hey, did you call Danny today♪ It's his birthday!

I went to the payphone across the corner and that's not working.

Do you have your cell phone with you?

Does she know Daniel?

Jillian, we actually have to run.

It's just, we have some people waiting for us.

Oh, um, okay, well, want to hang out sometime since you're here.

We can go out. We can gossip about Stanford Law.

And I won't pressure you for information about Danny because I know that a trial separation is still a separation. It's a trial.

He's screwing around. Jillian.

Okay, you're right, that's none of my business.

As long as he's not sleeping with Alice Goodman She's got this little scrunched up face, it make me wanna-

Guys.

I thought we were going to get some lunch before we went to the airport. Yes, we are.

Hello. Hello.

Jillian we actually have to go-

I still want some ice cream.

Yes but- Chocolate or vanilla?

Chocolate please.

Okay, now let's hit the road.

I'll have some too,: please.

I don't know. Why not?

You're pregnant and I'm going to be honest.

They're like testing this product.

I have no idea what's in this thing.

It could be made out of starfish for all I know.

Let's get going.

No Dana. She knows Daniel.

And watch out, it sounds like they used to date or something.

You used to date Daniel?

Um, when was this?

I left the car running, so I just wanted to come over

Hey honey!

Huh? Too much traffic.

What's wrong? Can you come over here?

What? Just come over here.

I don't understand, I feel like I'm not asking you that much.

I mean, what are the odds?

Did you plan this?

This is random. That's what I'm saying to you.

So why don't I use this random experience to-

Just give me ten minutes to talk.

Ten minutes to talk to her.

You can go get lunch with the girls.

Thank you, Thank you.

Hey, it was really nice meeting you.

You've got like such a beautiful pregnant glow and everything.

I want you to know the bloating that's happening in your face, I'm sure it'll go away.

Hey, happy birthday!

Thank you. Thanks.

You know, I've been feeling guilty all day because I couldn't call you.

That's okay.

Yeah, yeah I guess it is.

I mean, since you have so much more to feel guilty about.

Why are you standing all the way over there?

Uh, I don't know.

Basic human survival I would guess.

Am I supposed to call you Daniel?

Look, I meant to tell you.

Is that little chipmunk going to have your baby?

Jillian look, it's complicated.

No it is not complicated; it's a very simple question.

I don't- How many months is she?

She's just over five.

Our trial separation started six months ago.

Were you with her while we were together?

Dana was strictly a rebound relationship Look, I want you to know I was very depressed after you left.

Oh yeah, you were so depressed that you- you went and got the first woman you met pregnant.

I don't even understand what you're doing here.

I thought that you were going to be in New York doing an internship for the summer.

Well, with the baby coming-

Oh, yeah I guess with the baby coming.

Jillian, come on.

I don't understand.

Well Paula- we're staying with Paula for the night and we're flying to Hawaii tomorrow because--

Dana's father, he owns like a hotel.

It's like a whole golf course thing, on one of the smaller islands.

Jillian, Dana and I are getting-

Well it's going to happen whether I say it or not.

You're willing to ruin your whole life, Come on. I'm not going to ruin my whole life and please just stop calling her that, her name is Dana.

Who cares what her name is.

Do you think that we're going to take vacations together and become lifelong friends?

Well yeah, I hope we can stay friends.

You can tell that she's the kind of woman that will never lose the weight once she has this baby.

[MOANS] It's like going to be married to a bowling ball.

You're going to pump out three more before you even get a second wind.

She's just going to wrap you in her tentacles You just met her, you don't know her at all.

I could say the same thing about you.

No, no. It's just not true, okay?

I've grown to love her.

You're lying. Jillian, no.

Yeah, your left eye twitches when you're lying.

That's not the best asset for a trial lawyer to have.

Well, I'm not entirely sure that I'm going to finish law school now.

But that's exactly what you're doing.

How do you think you're going to provide for a family without a law degree?

Dana's father, he wants me to work at his hotel.

You're going to become your father in laws caddy, generally kiss his ass, hoping that he leaves you his kingdom when he dies.

I'm going to tell you something, these people, they never die.

Well, it's not like that.

I don't know- when were you going to tell me any of this?

I mean, three weeks ago I was talking to you on the phone and you said you were in New York looking at sublets.

I know, okay, yeah, that wasn't entirely true and I'm sorry.

No, this conversation, us meeting here is an accident.

If you hadn't accidentlly stumbled by here I still wouldn't know...

No, it's complicated.

No it's not complicated.

You were supposed to be waiting for me.

You're a coward!

Jillian, enough, okay.

The world doesn't stop when you want it to.

No, no, no. You decided to leave law school.

Okay, you decided that we should have a trial separation.

We only talk on the phone when you feel like it.

The world just doesn't work that way.

Well you should have said something.

I am. This is it.

I'm saying it.

Dana and I, we're going to Hawaii this weekend, we're getting married and in a couple of months we're having our first child Okay?

Danny!

Danny, no, wait, wait, wait.

Just stop.

No. Come on, fine.

I mean, obviously you already have., I got to go.

Oh my God, oh my God.

This is just like my father.

The second that my sister graduates from high school he leaves town, the obligation to his family is done and he goes and marries some bimbo that's a week and a half older than me.

Let's not kid ourselves about this whole thing.

You never really loved me in that sort of way.

The 'til death do us part, amen, that kind of way.

You know, I mean, even if I came back to school you were going to break up with me sooner or later.

So, what do you want me to do?

You want me to leave Dana and marry you?

I don't know. You can't- you can't just ask me that.

I don't know what kind of question is that?

It's a very simple question.

Take care Jillian.

Hey!

Hey! is the soap opera over yet?

Can I get some ice cream?

Hello?

♪ Her eyes won't weep no more

♪ I have tried, I have tried MAN: What the hell's going on?

♪ But they did gush like the rivers ♪

♪ and they dried up my insides

♪ Melancholy it would be like sunshine to me here ♪

♪ I wonder if she's even sad or if she's got a care ♪

Oh, oh dear, you better Come in.

You look like you were crying over a man.

Somebody break your heart today?

I was- I was engaged to a guy and I just found out that he got another woman pregnant and that they're going to Hawaii to get married.

And I found out by accident.

He was too afraid to tell me.

[ SIGHING ] Are you in this movie? but I keep the TV on Turner Classic Movies all the time.

It's sort of like a high school year book come alive.

Guess.

Is that you? Yes.

You know, there was a time in my life where it was a joy to wake up every morning and run to the mirror.

Ah, where is he, wait

This is my Ricardo.

You loved him?

Well, you know they had to sedate me for a week when I heard that he had been killed in a knife fight.

What a silly old way for a man to die- before he was thirty years old.

But, I don't think we'd be celebrating our fiftieth anniversary.

We probably would have killed each other eventually.

But that didn't mean that I didn't love him with all my heart.

Actually I was crying because I can't believe I was engaged to a guy that I didn't love at all.

He was just a security blanket.

Well, people don't like to be alone.

That's why I married my second husband.

You didn't love him? Not at all.

He was so angry.

You know, after five years he told me that he was actually gay.

Gay?

Well, did you get divorced?

Oh no, we got along fine after that.

I stayed with him until he died of a heart attack twelve years later.

I'm so glad you came by.

Well, maybe I can come see you again someday.

Well, don't wait too long because I may not be here.

And when you do, could you remind me who you are?

Of course.

Hey! Hey.

Peter never showed up?

No he did, finally.

How did it go?

I thought we were all going to have to get up and go through a speech about how much we love him, what he means to our lives but my mother got up first and started to do that, he cut her off, said he didn't need to hear all that junk.

He said that if we wanted to take him to a good treatment center that he was ready to go.

So, we did.

Oh, well that's weird.

Well, he did have some time to think about it since you told him we were all there and waiting for him.

I didn't think I had to mention that you were supposed to keep that part a secret.

I know. Sorry.

I just- I would have called and warned you but my phone, it's been dead all day, I'm sorry.

Where were you just now?

I was at Betty's.

The old actress.

I had to get away.

I don't know how you do this, every day.

Oh my God, these people, they are all insane.

Oh God.

It sucks. I know.

I know, thank you.

Thank You.

Oh, do you want to come with me to see Wally's band play tonight.

No, I think I'm going to-

Oh! Should I run her over, or is she a friend of yours?

Is she crawling under the car?

Coffee!

That's my coffee.

Real sugar.

Why is this happening?

Moo! Moo! Moo!

I like her.

I owe her five bucks.

Thanks.

So Wait, they're actually getting married this weekend?

That's what he said.

Should we go?

Go where?

We can crash the wedding.

It could be fun.

No, I'll never see Danny again.

I really don't want to.

Okay.

What's your deal?

What do you mean?

Well after you finish your thesis are you going to like, teach, write, both?

Yeah well teaching seems like a must because I got to start paying off all these school loans, but the thing about writing is, I spent the last year and a half reading everything by and about Paul Auster and you know what?

What? I hate him.

I hate him more than anybody else who has lived.

Who knew Paul Auster was worse than Hitler.

No, it's not that Paul Auster is a bad guy.

It's just that you can't spend that much time studying one person without wanting to kill them.

I've spent all this time writing about Paul Auster and I hate him.

So, if I spent a year writing a book about me, wouldn't I start to hate myself?

Could you write about something else?

What else do I know about but me?

So, what about you? Me?

Yeah.

You going to go back to law school?

No, I don't want to talk about that.

Do you think you'll try to be some sort of artist?

No. No talent.

Nothing to talk about with that, really it's a touchy subject for me.

Okay. Sorry.

Want to talk about your father?

Absolutely not.

Um, oh, ruthless.

It's not actually based on a conniving woman named Ruth.

It's actually a variation on the word rue, R-U-E, which means to have compassion or pity for.

So, if you are ruthless it means you have no pity for or towards, others.

You look that up for me?

I did.

I think you'll find people will do a lot of things for you.

If you ever just want to put down the beer bottle and let them.


Okay.

Okay.

Let's see what you got.

♪ And even the great big sky could be bluer ♪

♪ And even the songbirds could sing songs sweeter ♪

♪ And even the hearts of children could be purer ♪

♪ But you and me, babe, our love can't get better ♪

♪ And even the stars at night could be brighter ♪

♪ And even the moon with its might could be grander ♪

♪ And even the key of C can be minor ♪

♪ But you and me, babe, our love can't get bigger ♪

♪ 'Cause, oh, oh we're in love love love... ♪

♪ 'Cause, oh, oh we're in love love love... ♪

♪ 'Cause, oh, oh we're in love love love... ♪

♪ And when I'm still up at night and you're sleeping ♪

♪ I feel in my hands that you're definitely dreaming ♪

♪ And even in there I'm sure you still love me ♪

♪ And even in there I'm sure you still love me ♪

♪ And even the words on the page could be wiser ♪

♪ And even the sands of the ocean could be finer ♪

♪ And even an elated smile could be wider ♪

♪ But you and me, babe, our love can't be brighter ♪

♪ 'Cause, oh, oh we're in love love love... ♪

♪ 'Cause, oh, oh we're in love love love... ♪

♪ 'Cause, oh, oh we're in love love love... ♪

[ INSTRUMENTAL ]

♪ 'Cause, oh, oh we're in love love love... ♪

♪ 'Cause, oh, oh we're in love love love... ♪

♪ 'Cause, oh, oh we're in love love love... ♪