Freebie and the Bean (1974) Script

[meowing] [meowing]

[dog barking]

[baby crying]

[engine revving]

(Freebie) 'Stinks, I'm telling you'

'it's rotten, alright?'

(Bean) 'It's not that bad.'

How do you know?

If it tastes good, then, uh that's all you need to worry about.

(Freebie) 'Johnny's, it's a terrible restaurant.'

Here, come on. You do it for a while.

Come on, you did it for 8 seconds.

I did it for 7 minutes exactly.

Say it was 1 1 :38, it's 11 :45. That's 7 minutes.

It's a $200 watch. That's wholesale.

Come on, it's getting on my jacket, anyway.

Last week, it was your pants.

No, you're wrong.

Last week, last week, it happened to be my shoes.

Oh, Jesus! Jesus Christ!

There's a cat in there.

Get him out of there.

Get Out! Out!


Here, hold the flashlight. 'Huh?'

Oh, I hate this.

What's that? It's a baby bottle.

Red Meyers doesn't have a baby.

His fag dog had puppies.

'Here.' What?

Something for you, play with it.

Oh, now, this is nice.

This is nice, in the last 1 4 months this is the nicest thing you've ever given me.

Cuteness. Look at this.

He ate the crotch right out of her panties.

Huh, she must have a cute ass.

North side, 78,600.

Look at that! Look at that!

Receipts and everything.

There's got to be more.

(Bean) 'Careful, careful, careful.'

'Everything's got salad oil--' 'There's more here.'

Yeah, that's it, man. We got Red Meyers' ass.

'Here, wait, what?' 'Here's another piece.'

Here's another piece.

Come on, let's get his ass out of bed.

Let's bust the son of a bitch, come on!

Wait, we gotta get Motley. We need Motley!

Motley the witness, let's go. Come on!

[instrumental music]

♪♪ You and me babe ♪♪

♪♪ We go together ♪♪

♪♪ Just like peaches and cream ♪♪

♪♪ Two peas in a pod ♪♪

♪♪ Birds of a feather ♪♪

♪♪ You and me ♪♪

♪♪ You and me babe ♪♪

♪♪ Got something going ♪♪

♪♪ There ain't nothing we can't do ♪♪

♪♪ Like honey and bees ♪♪

♪♪ We go together ♪♪

♪♪ Me and you ♪♪♪♪

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

Hey, Freebie!

Hi, sweetheart.

(female #1 ) 'Come on back! I owe you one.'

[indistinct chattering]

Hey, Mongo, how are you?

Bean, how are you? What's doing?

Want a burrito? Yeah.

No, no, no, no, we got some business to tend to.

Seen Motley, or what?

I haven't seen Motley in 1 4 years.

14 years, huh?

(male #1 ) 'Hey, Mongo! You got a hot dog bun?'

'I'm gonna need one to make a sandwich.'

Hey, Mongo, give us a break.

Get ahold of Whitey.

I think they got something going.

Thanks a lot.

(female #2) 'And I think you all have my masters!'

'Huh, and I can teach us 1 2!'

You're a very, very bad man.

Get that, will ya, Bean? I don't want to get dirty.


Call me lieutenant, start learning how to salute because a cop that puts away Red Meyers is gonna make lieutenant.

Vice Squad. We retire in three years.

We have five apartment buildings and every hooker in town.

Still going with vice squad? What's wrong with vice squad?

Something wrong with that? Nothing's wrong!

You don't wanna live in a nice house?

Huh, wear nice clothes? Drive a nice car?

Something wrong with that? Do whatever you wanna do.

That's what I wanna do. I want you to have it, too.

You're my friend, I love you, something wrong with that?

I want you to be rich. I wanna be a cop.

You wanna be a shakedown artist.

And you know, you really are stupid.

(Freebie) 'I wanna be lieutenant! You know, you're right.'

Because $806 a month is not a bad life for a spic that swam across the Rio Grande at age of 1 0.

And you're gonna go miss me, aren't you?

'You can't get along without me for five minutes.'

(Freebie) 'It's really bullshit.'

'I'm stupid to even argue with you, I'm stupid.'

Bothers you, doesn't it? Screw off, will ya?

When you're on the Vice Squad, I'll come and visit you.

Hey, that's a lot of bullshit.

Your family's sitting over there on a dirt floor.

Eating chicken shit. I'll bring you soup.

I'll bring Crayolas and everything!

Kiss my ass, you Mexican.

I'll have conversations with the principals.

I'll come and help you make policy.

All of those things.

Hey, Whitey.

Hey, Bean.

Hey, what's going on?

Getting up in the world, huh?

Yeah. Whoo!

How's the hijacking business?

Hey, uh, you guys know I don't do that anymore.

Oh, yeah?

We heard you had a little something going with Motley, you know!

Motley? Yeah.

No, where'd you hear that?

Oh, just fooling around.

You know where he is?

'Uh-uh.' You sure?

Hey, man, I wouldn't shit you guys.

This is high up here.

This high, Bean?

I'm getting a little nauseous.

What about you? Oh!

My legs, they go like rubber.

You got workman's comp, Whitey?

Sure I got workman's comp.

I'm a member, remember?

Hey, le-lemme ask you something.

Would they cover you if you like..

You know, like one day you slipped.

And fell off or somethin'. Are you covered for that?

Hey, I ain't gonna fall. I'm careful.

How about if you got pushed off?

What are you do--

Huh, I'm getting crazy.

I'm getting crazy up here!

Where's Motley?

Uh, he, uh, he's out of town.

Laundering some money. Oh, yeah?

'Yeah, he'll be back on Monday, uh!'

'We play poker Monday.'

He wouldn't miss that, I'm telling you!

He still live at the same place?

Yeah, he lives there, I'm telling you, he didn't move.


(Bean) 'What's that for?'

Perfect performance. Very subtle.

I'm going crazy! I'm gonna push him, terrific.

You know, it worked, didn't it? I scared the crap out of him.

'It was terrible.' 'I was imitating you.'

(Freebie) 'Well, I was bad. First time I did it.'

[horns blaring]

(man on radio) '...the first caller that gets the correct title'

'of the song we're about to play'

'gets not one, but two free tickets'

'to the Super Bowl!'

Look at this shit.

Christ, if it's like this on Friday what's it gonna be like on Sunday?

All this city needs are a thousand more pimps and boys and rednecks going ape-shit.

Well, the mayor wanted the Super Bowl.

(Freebie) 'What do you read that shit for?'

You don't have to pass no exam if you wanna be a lieutenant, you know that, don't you?

I'd still like to know what's in it.

Put it down. Come on, put it, put it down.

Hey. Well, listen to me.

'Stop reading that shit. I'm talking to you.'

'Listen to me.'

'Remember what I told you about the apartment buildings?'

Yeah. 'Forget about it.'

(Freebie) 'Penthouse at the Hilton.'

I figured it out.

You dump the old lady and the kids you come live with me, we have a ball.

It's bad enough I gotta work with you.

Now you want me to live with you?

Alright, you don't wanna be a millionaire.

You know, you could eat 48 tacos a day.

And I can still have you steal them for me.

Okay. Alright.

It's as you drive a Cadillac or a Toyota.

You're still gonna get stuck in this crap.

No, no, no, no. See that's where you're wrong.

Millionaires, yeah, they got special lanes.

They go fast. Oh, yeah?

Oh, yeah. That's right.

They don't have to wait for the cars.

We got that right now.

[siren wailing]

That's right.

(man on radio) 'All cars, pursuit on Beach Boulevard, request support.'

Hey, that's close. Come on, let's go over there.

(man on radio) 'Liquor truck, blue. Suspect armed and dangerous.'

Hey, what're you, crazy? Are you trying to get us killed?

That's a 45 mile per-hour on ramp!

Relax, will you? Slow down!

Hey, slow down, you idiot!

(male #2) 'Oh, man, run. Run for your lives!'


Well, I told you, smart ass.

But you don't listen. You know everything!

You still think you're a goddamn motorcycle cop!

I could've made it in my Porsche.

It's a Ford! I could have, though!

It's not your Porsche! I could have made it though.

It's a Ford! Lousy power steering.

[tires whirring]

[tires squealing]

This is helmet time.

You want your helmet? No, leave me alone.

(Bean) 'Let me out!'

'Stop the car, I wanna get out. That's too fast!'

(Freebie) 'Jesus! I thought I left the old lady at home!'

(imitating Bean) "'Blah, blah, blah!"'


(Bean) 'Careful, careful!'

'Just made the poor guy wet on his shoes.'

That's the truck, huh?

Okay, alright, there's a lot of guys after him.

Don't hit any policemen.

They're really hauling ass, huh?

Hey, hey, cut it out! Jesus Christ!

We've got him, for God's sakes.

It's 20 against two.

Take him, take him.

Easy, take it easy.

Should have gone the other way?

I was going the other way, now, all of a sudden you're a director of traffic?

Watch the glass! There's bottles--

How can I watch the glass? I'm watching the truck!


Whoa! Jesus Christ!

(male #3) 'Get back, it's gonna explode!'

(male #4) 'You're crazy. Could have killed somebody.'

Hey, what you guys doing out here?

Oh, we brought the ice and soda, Frank.

(female #3) 'He's drunk, he's drunk.'


Scotch, huh?

Move! Move!

Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah?

Hey, is it my fault they didn't bring tequila?

Put this evidence in the car here.

Watch it, I got some evidence here, watch it, back up!

'Come on, now back up!'

[indistinct chattering]

Hey, come on! Hey, hey, hey!

My neck hurts. Get me a doctor.

He's bought it.

Holy Jesus.

Hey, hey, Bean. Huh?

This stuff comes from where we just come from, doesn't it?


You can make it. Just try.



Anybody ever tell you you shouldn't shoot at cops!

Huh? Huh?

Let's take him down to headquarters and sweat him a little bit!

Hey, hold on. Why don't you guys take him?

Come on.

Let those idiots do it.

Look, let's go sweat the guy that's sweating, alright?

(Bean) 'I guess that must have been the little something'

'Whitey and Motley got going together.'

Oh, what a dump. This is really depressing.

What a depressing life.

Might as well get used to it. It's where all the ex-cons live.

You're going to feel right at home here.

Actually, it's not so bad, you know.

The view, the view is terrific.

You can see my suite at the Hilton over there.

By the way, this is not an ex-con's neighborhood.

It's a different neighborhood. How do you know?

This is a blue-collar workers' neighborhood.

Where do you get your information?

Oh, we just passed that clothesline over there!

Didn't you see the shirts hanging there?

I'm gonna kill you I swear to God one of these days, I'm gonna kill you.

Listen, when you do I want you to do me a favor.

Use the service elevator.

'Got that, Lieutenant Mexican sir?'

The minute I become lieutenant I'm gonna have three guys watching you 24 hours a day and you start stealing soap from those carts that go by I'm gonna have your ass in jail, next to Red Meyers.

What-what soap and what carts?

They got ladies that push those carts around.

With soap and towels! I didn't know that.

Oh, yeah? Well, how did you know that?

My mother used to push one of those. ls that right? Yeah.

Hi, Whitey.





I don't know nothing about it.

Alright, okay, look, all I know was what warehouse the scotch was in, alright?

And you and Motley in this thing together?

Motley, no.

Excuse me. Yeah.

I don't like to interrupt. That's alright.

Oh, yeah, l-l wanna inform you of your rights.

You're allowed to consult a lawyer if you so desire.

Hey, hey, take it easy. Take it easy.


No, don't hit him anymore. I've got some questions--

He makes me so mad, so angry. I understand.

It's just that he does, I'm sorry!

Take it easy. Lose my mind sometimes.

Just take it easy. Alright!


What did Motley have to do with this?



You know, you keep a very, very, very messy house.


Hey, hey, hey, come on now.

What are you-- you're bleeding all over me.


What are you doin' out here?

Get back in there and cover yourself up!


Well, I hate he's not gonna say anything.

Listen, Bean, why don't you, uh you know, you stay with him, and I'll I'll go play with the girlfriend a little bit.

Maybe she knows something, I don't know!

Hey, hey, not the girl! Not the girl!

(Freebie) 'It's been months, man. Now let me go.'

I warned you about this last time.

I promise it won't happen again. I promise..

Lt will! You're an animal!

Let me deal with it. Damn it, Freebie!

Listen, you don't wanna tell us anything else?

You're sure, now?

Get your partner out of there.

She can't tell him nothing.

She got nothing to say to him.

She got nothing to say to him!

What's he gonna do to her?

Oh, I don't know, it's different every time.


You sure you don't wanna tell us about Motley?

I told you, Motley--

(Freebie) 'Hey, Bean!'

'You got the pliers?'

Pliers? 'Yeah.'

Oh, the pl-- The pliers!

Not the pliers, Freebie!

Get him out of there!

What are you doing this big number on me for, man?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, would you get this voyeur outta here

'because I'm really starting to lose my desire.'

Keep stuffing your face, you're gonna get fat as a pig!

Please, Bean, would you get him outta here?

Cause she's gonna start eating another apple.

What are you squeezing Motley for, huh?

We're not interested in Motley, we wanna know about a friend of Motley's.

What? Red Meyers?

Would you put your hands behind your back?

Please, dear?

(Whitey) 'You're wasting your time.'

Look, Red Meyers is gonna be dead on Monday.

They got a contract out on him.

(Freebie) 'It's about time. Come on, who cares?'

'Get him outta here.'

(Whitey) 'isn't that worth something, what I just told you, huh?'

Hey, that's not news just floating around on the streets, man.

'For god's sakes listen to me. She ain't worth it!'

Who's got the contract?


'It's out of Detroit.'

They got Michigan Phil.

(Bean) 'Who's the buyer?'

What? 'Who's the buyer?'

(male #5) 'Medic, medic! Stretcher-bearer!'

'Let's play something nice.'

'I'll kill her! Get him!'

'Stay in the line of fire.'

'I gotcha!'

(Bean) 'Look at that idiot standing out there.'

'He'll get himself killed.' 'To our futures.'

'Not your lieutenant bars, my soap bars right in the crapper.'

'Maybe we better warn him.' 'No, no, no, no.'

'If we warn him, he won't be around on Monday.'

'He'll go so far underground'

'they'll need a steam shovel to dig him out.'

(Freebie) 'I got a better idea.'

'Than what?' 'Didn't you just, uh..'

'I mean have an idea?'

'I got a better one.' 'What?'

Alright, listen.

I think we gotta take a chance.

I mean we gotta pick him up right now.

Yeah, but for what, possession of an adding machine tape soaked in salad oil?

D.A's not gonna go for that. We gotta have Motley.

So, we'll pick him up for something else.

What, walking a dog without a leash?

So, pick him up for something else.

Indecent exposure?

What the hell are you guys talking about?

What, are you crazy or something, huh?

What is this, some kind of a gag?

No, sir. Uh, it's not.

You uh, unzipped your fly there in the park we saw you.

I unzipped my fly?

Oh, yeah, we saw you.

I got a hernia. I was adjusting my truss.


You guys are really cops?

That's right. Let me see your ID.

Okay! Come on.

Here you are.


Rosen's precinct.

Why the hell didn't you tell me?

Christ sake!

Sure, it's a gag.

'What the hell's the matter with me?'

Hey, uh, one of my boys not paying off, huh?

Nothing like that. Tell me who it is.

I'll bust his head.

I don't think that'd be a very good idea, sir.

Alright, how much?

It's not a question of money, sir.

I'm afraid you're gonna have to come with us, sir.

You haven't given me a good reason yet.

You know, you guys are smoking too much of that stuff you're taking off of them pushers.

Where'd you get this suit?

Will you go get your jacket, please, sir?


But you're gonna get yelled at.

A lot.


Mildred! 'What?'

Where the hell are you?


Did you get the cracked crab?

Yeah, 200 pounds.

From Jorgensen's?

On ice, if you..

Will you stop worrying about the party?

It'll be here. I'm not worried about--

Who are they?

You take care of the house I take care of the business, right?


Now what the hell are you mad at?

Did you hear that? 'Mildred!'

Huh, 200 pounds of cracked crab from Jorgensen's?

You know what that's worth? What do I care?

What do you care.

Now, this isn't gonna work, you know.

Well, we'll find a way to make it work.

[whistles] Hey, let's go, come on.

Come on.

Come on, uh, not out the front door.

Out the back, come on.

I don't want nobody to see me with you katzenjammer cops.

Indecent exposure.. Maybe it's a compliment.

What are you doing? Just checking.

What are you, what are you, what are you, hey!

[instrumental music]

(Freebie) '24 hours, that's all I'm asking.'

24 hours, what's the big deal.

To drunk-tank Red Meyers?


Look, you..

You are suckin' for a very big bruise.

Now, that you guys have already dug yourself in so deep in this pit you've made there's no way that I can dig you out without, uh, burying you deeper.

You know what I mean? No idea.

You know what he's talking about?

I don't know what he's talking about.

[telephone rings]


Yeah, they're here.

Right away.

There's this uh, man in the fancy office right across the hall who would like the pleasure of your company.

You can't miss him.

He's wearing a black suit and a red face.

[indistinct chattering]

Hey! Prick.

Tuck your shirt in. Tuck my shirt in?

Screw him. Hey, here, how's this?

Tuck your shirt in. Kiss my ass.

[phone ringing]

How in the world did you guys stay alive till now?

They should've destroyed you when you were rookies.

How do you get up in the morning?

Tell me..

...what was going through your mind?

Indecent exposure?

Red Meyers? Are you insane?

Do you know how many phone calls I had in the last 1 5 minutes?

I'm not talking about lawyers.

I'm talking about the guys on our side.

You wanna hear the list?

You want me to start with the lieutenant governor and work down, or do you want me to start with the councilmen and work up?

Sir, can I-- No, you can say nothing!

I don't know what to do with you guys.

'Let me see your gun and your badge.'

Wanna see mine, too, sir? No, don't, don't touch it.

I don't want you to touch anything in my office.

Intelligence squad?

'You're not fit to guard' the fish at the aquarium.

Sir, Can I.. Can I say one..

Could he say something? May I say one thing, sir?

Uh, we.. Sir, we..

If we had, if, no, if you had with our help, an airtight case--

Airtight case, an indictment in a grand jury

'I mean would that, would that would that--'

(Bean) 'Would that change your..'

'Would it help anything, sir?'

Would that change things for you?

An airtight case, sir. Airtight.

For indecent exposure?

Not, no, sir. No.

I mean, this is the real thing.

I mean the numbers--

[clears throat]

A policy, everything. We've got it.

(Bean) 'We have him, sir.'

Uh, see, sir, uh, well..

Go ahead. Go ahead, no, I was..

1 4 months, sir, we've been working. 1 4 months, and-and..

We've got him. We've got him, excuse me.

Uh, we have it tied up in a-in a pink ribbon. I mean..

We have him, sir. We-we've got his ass.

His ass is ours. Excuse me, sir.

But we have it. His ass is ours, sir!

Wha-wha-what do you have? Stop the speeches.

Just, just tell me what you have.

We have.. We have a ledger sheet--

We have a ledger sheet with everything, sir.

It's got everything on it.

It's got numbers. It's got names.

It's got his initials all over it, sir.

'And his initials on there.'

'Uh, salad oil all over. Got it out of the garbage.'

We've been digging in garbage for 1 4 months, sir.

And this is what we came up with, and, uh..

It's not enough.

It's not enough.

Well, what--

It's not enough? What would be enough, sir?

I need a witness. 'We--'

Somebody to explain it all to the grand jury.

But we have a witness. We have one, sir.


Ha. We have, uh, Mo-Mo..

Harry. Harry Motley.

We have Harry Motley.

This office tried 386 cases last year from murder one to jaywalking.

I personally got 342 convictions.

That's wonderful, sir.

'What makes you think Motley's going to get'

'chatty in a courtroom?'

Motley's a smiler. He's not a talker.

Uh, uh..

We have an edge, sir.

'Yes, sir, well, you see' it's statutory rape.

We have a girl. A-a-a..

Fourteen year old girl.. A fourteen year old girl..

Whose parents have agreed.. Whose parents they will..

If he even s-smirks, they'll talk.

(Bean) 'He's coming back into town on Monday.'

Monday, he'll be back here. And we're gonna have him.

And once he's here, sir..

'We'll have his ass.'

Sit down.

'Both of you, sit down.'

'I-I-I would..'

I would like to ask you just one more question before I have you both committed.

Why'd you arrest Red Meyers and tip him off when you got the whole thing sitting in your laps?

You couldn't wait until Monday?

No, sir, see..

There's a problem. a small problem.

We got a little problem in that regard, sir.

It's a small problem, sir, but.. and that is that, uh..

Red Meyers may not be alive on Monday, sir.

There's a contract out from Detroit professionals.

Killers. Think we have a major problem.

It's a huge problem, I mean how do you deal with a monstrous--

'We don't have a problem.'

We don't have one major problem You-you know why we don't have a problem?

I'm gonna tell you why we don't have a problem.

There's no problem here.

'Red Meyers will be alive by Monday.'

You know why Red Meyers will be alive by Monday?

Because you boys are going to keep him alive until Monday.

That's what this office wants you to do unless you like fish.

I don't mean to eat. I mean to garden.

Sir, gar..?

Garden. Of course.

Sir, if I, uh, you know I could be bold enough to, um..

I mean, what if we do keep him alive until Monday?

Are you trying to make a deal with me, Freebie?

No! He's just only asking..

It was just a kind of a..

He's just asking a question. That's all.

I like that.

No, he's only, he's just asking..


'I didn't mean, uh..'

You'll have the gratitude of all the people of this great state.

Well, that's all, you know, that's..

That's all we could ask..

That's all we want. That's..

Who wouldn't?

Please get out of my office.


He wants us to get out of his office.

Handle it, handle it. What's the matter?

Can't you talk to people? You can do it.


Hey, boss. What?

Those two yahoos in the police car are still following us.

Don't lose him. Don't lose him.

Not gonna lose him. It's a 600 Mercedes Limousine.

Might steal it. I'm not gonna lose it.

Look, there's still a tail on me.

How the hell do I know?

Somebody got a wild hair up his ass.

So, rest of this week, you make the deposits.

Yeah, I'm bringing the tally sheets to my house.

Only, uh, you got one like the blue one?

Get the blue tie out of the window.

Oh, don't bother. For you, Mr. Meyers?

Herbie, get the blue tie.

What is that cardone..

What do you make that in a basement?

I'm lucky I have a dozen of em', Amish, Mr. Meyers.

Amish, huh? All right, I'll take it.

Do you believe that moron's paying

$65 a piece for those shirts?

Moron? Yeah.

Moron? Yeah.


Ever dawn on you, you dumb peon that there's a reason that people spend $65 for a shirt?

Dawned on me some people are idiots.

Idiots? Yeah.

Do you know why I'd spend $65 for this shirt?

Why is that?

Send it to cleaners 1 00 times comes back with the buttons on it.

That's right, it's not like like it was sewn on by a bunch of gooks in Taiwan like this piece of crap, you're wearing.

Here look at this, $5 rag. Look at it, look at it.

Look at this.

Look at it. Ah, what the hell.

You get what you paid for, how'd I expect you to understand that, look at this you're wearing Thom McAn shoes with goddamn white socks.

Come out in the street. cause I'm gonna knock your teeth down your throat!

Don't touch me, anymore, what do you think you own the goddamn world?

May I help you gentlemen?

No! Yes, yes, you can.

Sorry about the noise, Mr. Meyers.

That's okay. They're with me.

We're, uh, we're police. I'm a police officer.


I'm with..

Screw it!

Uh, yeah, well..

That's a-a fire hazard up there.

Oh, that, are you a policeman or a fireman, which?

Oh, oh, I see, fine.

Alright, forget I said it.

You got a phone in here, huh?

A phone? No, uh, no, I don't.

Public phone's fine. I don't have to use your phone.

Wait, wait, wait. What're you talking about?

If it was up to me, understand, I-I'd let it go.

I mean, uh, this-those regulations I mean, it's really nitpicking, you know what I mean?

But these guys, they're gonna come around next week, you know?

And uh, well, when they see that exit door blocked back there it is blocked, isn't it?

Got a lot of paper in the trash cans back there.

Gee, this is lovely stuff here, lovely.

Oh, you like it? Very much.

Uh, you have no baffle on that air conditioning vent.

I'm afraid that doesn't look too good.

I must be really stupid. I should've figured out a long time ago what's wrong with you.

What do you mean, you'd figure out "what's wrong with me"?

You don't know you're stealing.

You think what other people do is called stealing but when you do it, there's some kind of noble motive attached to it.

Like when I was a kid I'd steal, but I'd only do it from thrifty cut-rate drugstores so I thought I was really terrific.

Through? Yeah.

Okay, let me explain something to you, alright.

When a guy goes in the store to steal something he goes with a gun or he hides it under his jacket and he walks out, right?

Did I hide anything?

Did I hide anything? I mean, answer me.

Did the guy say, Please take this jacket, I mean, is that stealing?

Why are you trying to justify yourself to me?

I'm not, you're justifying yourself to me.

Look, I risk my life for what?

200 and change every goddamn week?

What for to protect this neighborhood and that stupid store from some junkie that's gonna walk in there one night, right and rob the entire register.

So to show his gratitude, this guy he gives me this $250 jacket which happens to cost him $32.

I mean, that's immoral, right?

You'll be terrific on the Vice Squad, you know that?

They ought to start you off as a captain.

Yeah, you're really, uh, you're really turning into a shrew.

Oh, yeah? Yeah!

What the hell do you think I did that whole number for?

Don't know. To get you a nice new shirt.

That's right. Don't smile at me.

When you turned it down I had to take something, I hurt the guy's feelings.

That's right.

Hey, meatball! What are you doing?

Look at that idiot standing out there.

We get out of the cross fire when those guys from Detroit show up, they're very good.

(man on radio) 'I know you've got a couple of secrets up your sleeve.'

'What did you guys say to each other in huddle?'

(man #2 on radio) 'Well, Bill, we don't just talk to each other.'

'We talk to Christ, so when that ball is snapped'

'then I'm looking downfield at those mother[beep]'

'coming at me, and I know Christ is on our side'

'and that's why we're going to break their [beep] heads, kick the holy [beep] out of them this Sunday..'

(Freebie) 'Where the hell is he?'

I wrote a make sheet on Michigan Phil early this morning.

(Dispatcher) 'Don't make a federal case, Freebie.'

'Lt hasn't come in yet. 1 0-4.'

(Freebie) 'What do you mean it hasn't come in yet?'

This guy's gonna kill somebody!

And I know what the hell he looks like!

What'd you do, send him a postcard?

What is there, holiday in Detroit?

Are they celebrating a goddamn car that hasn't fallen apart in 1 2,000 miles?

That's right, scream and yell, make some more friends downtown to help us out when we're in the crunch.

Yeah, this is all the friend you need right there.

The Lone Ranger.

And his faithful companion Superspic.

Jesus Christ, are you lucky I'm your partner.

Anybody else would have let you get killed years ago.

Let me get killed? That's it.

You'll make somebody a lovely wife.

Thank you.

Hey, wait a minute. Let me get killed?

What about the last year when you walked out of the car and you said uh..

"Excuse me, mister, you with the, uh.."

"With the money on the scene"

"the gun and the mask on your face." ls that supposed to be me? I-I'm working on it..

"You with all the money and-and-and the mask

"and the gun, excuse me, I have to see..

I have to see your license, okay?"

"Is.." What?

Michigan plates.

Think that's him?

The way he's looking at Meyers.

Intelligence 21 . Assistance at 435 Pine.

Suspect under surveillance. 1 0-4.

Makes a move, I'm going to scream down on him, alright?

Yeah. Cover me.

Right. Here we go.

Go, go, go.

Hey, hold it right there.

Hey, hey, what are you doing to her?

Leave her alone!


Hey, Freeb!

Take your filthy hands..



[siren wailing]

Hey, let go. Are you crazy?

Look, give her what she wants. She'll win anyway.

She'll get it in court. I know!

Let me go, will you?

Let go of the pole, miss.


Come here.

Get him in there.

Get his gun. Get it.

Get his gun! He hasn't got a gun!

What do you mean he hasn't got a gun?

I'm telling you he hasn't got one!

Well, get his lD, something, will you?

[indistinct chattering]

Argh! What?

He's a Cadillac salesman from Detroit!

What are you doing here?

What are you doing here, asshole?

What are you doing here?

Idiot! Get off him!

I was meeting her, she's my boss' wife but you already know that.

You dummy! Oh, my God!

We were going to a motel!

We were going to a motel.

I swear to God we won't do it again.

Tell him I won't do it again!

I swear to God, I know it ain't right but I won't do it again, tell him!

Tell him I won't do it again!

That's going to get-- Tell him I'm sorry.

Oh, my God.

Did you get a load of those guys, huh?

Mr. Inconspicuous.

I don't see Red Meyers. Where the hell is Red Meyers?

Meyers is right here, right here, 3 cars up.

Get closer. I'm trying.

[tires squeal] well, that guy in the Plymouth's in a hurry.

What the hell was that move?

Can you read the license plates?

Yeah. D.M.V, 389-PCE.

Plymouth Fury, blue.

(female over speaker) 'Reply to D.M.V. request.'

'Plates registered to '71 Oldsmobile sedan.'

'Sharon Moss, 61 2 North Orange Drive.'

That's no Olds.

Hot plates coming through.

Let's take him.

Get the, uh-- Camouflage.

That ought to do it.

Good, you look like a Mexican umpire.


(Bean) 'Don't look at him, for Christ's sakes, don't look at him.'

[tires squealing]

Shit, he made us. I think it was the shoes, huh?


[tires squealing]

[siren wailing]

Hey! Ah, jeez!

Hey, come back here!

[tires squealing]


Holy shit!

I don't believe you're really doing this.

Believe it!

'Believe it!'

[tires squealing]

I'll get that bastard.

He's having lunch somewhere.

[horns honking]

Come on, he's probably home by now.


Not bad, huh?

Okay, now, take it easy. The man's gonna kill somebody.

Please, please, Bean, this is hard enough without your help.

[bells ringing]

Dirty bastard. Well, we'll get him later.

Dirty bastard! Let's go get a cup of coffee.

Dirty bastard! Dirty bastard!

Bastard. No, no, no, no!

Bastard. No, no, no.

Dirty bastard. No, no, no, aah!

[both screaming]



Come on! Don't fool around!

You're gonna get us killed!

What are you, crazy?


You're crazy.

[band music playing]

[all screaming]

[horn honking]

I can't stand working with you anymore!

I want an ambulance immediately!

You pushed him! I got a headache.

You pushed that bastard!

I want an ambulance.

This is intelligence car 21 .

He killed about half a dozen people there because you pushed him.

(Freebie) 'Get me an ambulance immediately.'

Got a dead goddamn mike!

[people shouting]

[tires squealing]


[indistinct chattering]

[horn blaring]

Ah, screw you.

[siren wailing]

(man) 'Hey, you crazy bastard!'

(man) 'Officers! Officers--'

Think I can cut him off at Fremont.

Stop this car and turn around.

Turn around? I'm not losing him now! Get off my ass!

You're responsible for six people back there.

Laying in the street! Get off my goddamn back!

Now listen to me!

I hope you're happy now. I'm sorry.

[horn wailing]

What? Aah!


It's alright. Um, we're, uh..

Police officers, uh..

'Can I use your phone?'

Hi, Fred.

We got in a little accident.

'Uh, could you send a tow truck, please'

'to, uh..'

'...61 8, Elm Street?'

Hold it.

It's the, uh, third floor, apartment 304.

[instrumental music]

♪♪ I wanted you to know ♪♪

♪♪ You meet someone I'll always be around ♪♪

♪♪ When you need someone I'll be around ♪♪

♪♪ Let me be the one you go to.. ♪♪♪♪ Hi, babe.

What are those?

Well, um..

This here is a chocolate layer cake and this is a rather large kosher pickle.


Ah, go on and read.

Oh! Go on read your book.

This is very, very important.

I don't wanna cut into your reading time, at all.


Girl like you needs all the knowledge.

Please. Oh, I can..



I got some of your stuff from the cleaners but the rest of it won't be ready till Monday.

They're really swamped.

Goddamn Super Bowl. I know.

Hey, you said, uh..

You were going by my apartment. Did you go?

Mm-hmm, there was a whole pile of stuff in the middle of the floor so I took that to the cleaners too.

A big pile? Uh-huh!

Oh, that was the janitor.

Honey, It's so silly, I don't know why you don't just take my spare key and bring the rest--

(Freebie) 'This is very good.'

Really, your food's terrific.

I was afraid that, um it might get dried out from being in the oven.

It ain't dry. Don't say ain't.

Oh, I'm sorry.

For an English teacher, that's like nails on a blackboard.


So what happened today?

Same old crap, you know.

Beat up a couple hookers.

'They were easy.'

Drunk knocked over a sign on Fremont Street.

What were you doing standing in front of the sign at the time?



Uh, no, uh, Bean when I leaned out to yell at him he rolled up a window and caught it in there.

Want some ice?

For red wine?

Tell me about that book.

T.E. Lawrence. Yeah.

Well, it's kind of intellectual but I think what it really is is an adventure story.

There's this guy who dresses up in these wild Arab costumes and becomes their leader.

They do all sorts of incredible things.

They-they sabotage, and they blow up trains.

They get into these bloody battles and everything goes flying, arms, legs, heads.

It's really terrific action stuff.

I think you'd like it.

Hmm, I saw the movie.

Oh, well, then you know what I mean.

Yeah, I remembered it as being about a guy who uh, couldn't make up his mind whether to um, ball a dried-up water hole or a camel

'or maybe even a clean Arab boy' and while he's deciding he happens to kill off half of Arabia.




You know, you don't have to be ashamed that you know, you went to college and I didn't.

'You know, I mean, I do know the difference' between Zane Grey and T.E. Lawrence.

Would you tell me some Zane Grey stories?


First I, uh, I got to meet Bean.

[indistinct chattering]




They're charging the house!



[instrumental music]

Come on, will you?

Come on!

♪♪ Whoa whoa whoa Na Na Na Na ♪♪

♪♪ Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na ♪♪

♪♪ Na Na Na Na whoa ♪♪

♪♪ Whoa Na Na whoa Na Na ♪♪

♪♪ Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na ♪♪

♪♪ Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na ♪♪

♪♪ Na Na Na Na-Na Na Na Na ♪♪♪♪


Oh! Goddamn it!

Goddamn it! Jesus Christ!

Look what you did to my Goddamn lip.

You do that again, bud, you are gonna die!

I'm gonna what? You're going to fucking die!

Die, you wanna fight me, you jackoff, do you?

I was right! I was right!

Look what you did--

What do you mean, you were right?

What if there was a guy behind you?

I know there's no guy behind me!

What if there was a guy with a gun behind you?

I know there wasn't one!

Never touch my guns! Never look at them.

You understand that?

You through? Yeah.

Well, then apologize to my Goddamn lip!

You apologize about my gun.

You apologize to this!

Apologize about my gun I'll apologize about your lip.

I apologize to your Goddamn gun.

I apologize about your lip.



You know, my wife has been acting really weird lately.

'She's been cooking good.'

'The kids are dressed.'

They're clean. She looks terrific.

She's been singing around the house.

Singing around the house?

Went into the bathroom yesterday morning.

There's a fresh tube of shaving cream sitting there.

I'd run out the day before. I hadn't said anything about it.

Any idea who the guy is?

What guy? The guy.

I didn't say anything about any guy.

See, I mean, I didn't mean to, you know, jump..

You know, imply that there was a guy, understand?

Yeah, no, I know that. I just thought maybe..

I was just passing on some general information, you know.

I-I wasn't talking about any guy.

I was just making uh, some hypothetical statements.

You know what I'm saying? Well, uh, a conjecture.


You got any idea who the guy could be?

I think I know who the guy is.

There's this landscape gardener that works down the block.

He's got these two big dogs. Yeah?

'Anyway, for about 4 months now' every time I go in the backyard there's a new plant back there.

Plus the fact that there's crap all over the yard and big holes with bones in it everywhere.

'You know what I'm saying?'

What do you think we, uh..

What do you think we do?

I'm going to catch them in the act and I'm going to blow their Goddamn heads off.

To me, that's, uh..

That's a little drastic, ain't it?

Yeah, but they're crapping up my whole lawn.

But I mean, your wife, man..

Don't have any time to deal with that right now.

I mean I have more important things to do.

Listen, uh, I want to go talk to this guy?

No, just don't bug me about it, okay?

Le-let me talk to the guy. I'll go talk to him.

No, I can do my own talking.

I can do my own talking. I don't need your help.

Come on, We'll take a little break, huh?

We'll check things out.

No, I'll stay with you.

Come on, I'll give you a ride home.

What about Red Meyers?

What, are you kidding me?

He's got half the muscle in the world in there.

'Picture Michigan Phil walking in there?'

He's got enough hardware in there to start World War III.

Come on. No, I don't wanna go home.

'Come on!'

'Hey, you Goddamn animal.'

Remember that. Maybe we'll get along.

Come on.


Get outta here!

Get out of here, you bastard!

[dog whimpering]

[speaking in foreign language]

Talk American, you bitch American, you spend American.

Talk American.

[speaking in foreign language]

You come home for a couple of hours..

[speaking in foreign language]

Sleeping, that's all you do these days.

[speaking in foreign language]

Mow the lawn yourself.


Get outta here! I'll kill you!


Yelling at the dog.

But why not? Hit him.

Go ahead, yell at him. He loves you.

I don't want him to love me.

Anyway, he doesn't love me, he loves the smell of TV dinners, lunches.

Hey, come here! Come here!

See that?

'Get outta here!'

[dog barking]

Where are you going?

[speaking in foreign language]

Parents night at school? It's 1 0:30.

Yeah, I'm late.

[door closes]

[instrumental music]

Twenty-seven messages.

Fourteen messages.

Thirty-two messages.

(male #6) 'Hello there, Acme Landscaping'

'is closed for the night.'

'When you hear the tone, you have 1 0 seconds'

'to leave your message.'


Keep your frigging dogs off my lawn!

You gonna be home tonight, huh?

No, I gotta go to work.

Oh, you be a good boy, huh?

[singing in foreign language]


(Freebie) 'Hey, kid, see this?'

Well, look at it!

'We got a tip.'

'This guy's gonna come in here and order some shoes.'

Size 1 0 and a half. So what?

So what? We're police officers.

Give him the shoes and keep your mouth shut.

When he leaves, uh..

' that P.A. button over there and say' uh, uh..

"'Service on alley 6." alright?'

Yeah, I got it.


If you catch the guy, do I get a reward?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Yeah, you get your picture in the paper so that when his friends come to thank you they'll know what you look like.

Look at these pictures. These are unbelievable.

Will you look at this? Yeah!

They used to staple these together.

They don't staple them anymore.

You know, anybody can come in here, anybody!

And these kids, they'll take them home and they sprinkle on them.

Come on, we're not gonna find Michigan Phil in here.

Let's go.


You know what's fantastic?

You know, that the Vice Squad guy that covers this, he must make $50 a week.

Do you believe that? A lousy bowling alley?

(man) 'Hey Stan, come on before they cool off...'

Can you imagine what a newsstand is worth, huh?

I mean, it's beautiful.

Are you listening to me? Yeah.

(male #7) 'Come on, one more game!'

(female #4) 'Ouch, chocolate's melting.'


No, no, no. Not those fingers.

These fingers.

Just like anything else you have to get it in the right hole.

You see? Watch her, watch closely.

Are you catching on?

Bean. Bean.

Get outta here. Playing the game.

What are you a maniac or something?

Look who's bowling on alley 1 0.

Michigan Phil. Go to alley 1 6.

I'll sneak up behind. You divert his attention.

I'll blast him.

What's the matter with you?

There's a hundred people out there.

What is this, the gunfight at the OK Corral?

Just give him a minute. For what?

To take a leak.

How do you know he's gonna take a leak?

What do you got there, 3 uh, 3 beer bottles?

Yeah. Yeah, so?

Well, maybe the girls drank them!

What's the matter with you?

They're bubble gummers.

Blonde hair, bad teeth, pale lips.

They're Coke drinkers!

Where do you get all this shit?

Just wait. Between beer 3 and 4.

You'll see. Go ahead, play your game.

I'll be back in a minute.

Hope everything comes out alright.


What's that for? She's on the pill.

Yeah, that's what they all say.

You be careful, this guy's a psycho, let me tell you.

How do you know that? Huh?

How do you know? He's got dirty hands.

All psychos got dirty hands.

Where do you get that shit?

The carbos and the pills made me gain weight.

Ha-ha, oh, the hell with it.

But I'm not using anything either, now.

'It's bowling, you know, so..' Yeah, oh, yeah.

Man, I gotta put this back. Here.

Want some gum, huh?

Want a piece of it?

Got another piece? I don't think so.

Here. Thanks.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Wait, wait, wait.


Cold, huh? Huh?

Let's go.

(male #8) Long day, huh?

[toilet flushes]

[toilet flushes]

[loud click]

(Bean) All right, Phillip.

Come out with your hands up and your pants down.


[instrumental music]

(Bean) You okay?

What? You okay?

Sure, I'm alright.

What about you, huh? Yeah.

So why you got that dumb worried spic look on your face?

I warned you 'bout that, you say that again you're gonna wind up at County General with an intern pulling my shoe out of your head.

Let me rephrase it, okay?

Why do you got that dumb worried wetback greaser look on your face for a Mexican Chicano?

I was just hoping Motley gets back before Detroit sends a backup man.

What? Huh?

I didn't, uh-- No.

Detroit's gonna send somebody to cover when they hear that Phil goofed up.

ls that right? 'Yeah.'

Don't know why I didn't think of that.

(male dispatcher) 'Intelligence, 2-1 . Hey, Freebie.'

'We just got word on your boy Michigan Phil.'

'Your problems are over, he was just dusted'

'in the crapper of the Wilshire Bowl.'

No shit?

Let me talk to Rosen.

'Here's Rosen.' 'Hey, I just heard.'

'You guys did a good job.'

'Maybe a little messy.'

Critic on killings all of a sudden.

So listen, could you send a couple of guys to cover down at the airport?

We think Detroit's going to send a backup man.

(Rosen) 'Spare some men? You know what's going on in this town.'

'Four guys just got mugged while they were trying'

'to rob a liquor store.'

'I'll do the best I can. 1 0-4.'

Where to?

Let's go back to Red Meyers'.

What for? He's safe in bed.

Listen, let's go to Motley's apartment and sit on him for a while.

[classical music playing]

[lock clicking]

(Freebie) Oh, uh, excuse me.

Where's Motley?

Not under here. Sorry. What are you doing here?

Freshening up so I can get into something comfortable.

'What are you doing here?'

We're looking for Motley.

Oh. Well, I was here first.

You'll just have to wait your turn.


Uh, listen, do me a favor, will you?

Tell him, uh, Freebie's looking for him.

I'll tell him, but I doubt it will be news to him.

Everybody on the street knows that--

Listen, dear, I have a feeling he'd be interested in seeing us unless he wants to go up the river for the third time.

Why don't you give him this?

He'll know what it is.

Why, the little cheat.

Be sure to tell him, won't you?

I'll tell him, but don't be surprised if he takes the first plane to China.

He may be crazy, but he's not stupid.

Well, he is crazy, and he is stupid but, uh, it's not him we're after, see?

We just want to hear him sing a little.

Tell Motley he's got immunity, will you?

Red Meyers?

What do you know about Red Meyers?

I know everything about Red Meyers.

I know what time he pees. That's charming.

Motley and I were roomies for 3 years at Atascadero.

You've heard of pillow talk?

He used to tell me bedtime stories about the old days in the big time.

And all that money.. You going to put Red away?

Uh-huh. We're gonna put him away.

Pity. All that money.

Uh, listen, uh, Bean, let's get out of here before this freak starts drinking the bath water.

Hey, Aren't you gonna give me the third degree?

Knock me around a little bit, a little S&M?

I'll yell and scream, if that's what gets you off.

Let me explain something to you, fruitcake.

If he hits you, you're not going to be able to scream.

There'll just be a big spot on the wall.


Bubble up.

Uh, we ought to tell him either.

I think we ought to take that chance, you know?

You think we ought to take that chance?

Could've sworn I just said that, didn't I?


Hey, isn't that your wife's car over there?

(Bean) 'Where?'

Back there i-in that motel, isn't it?

Come on, turn the car around.

Get out of here. She's a married woman.

What would she do in a hotel 2:30 in the morning?

Are you kidding? Come on, turn the car around.

Who do you think goes to motels? Single women?

Ever see that place at noontime, in the middle of the week?

52 station wagons in the driveway.

Single women are working. It's married women.

That your car? Yeah.

Come on, let's go. Right.

No, let's get out of here. Let's go--

Wait a minute. I got an idea.

Look, we, uh, find out what room they're in, right?

Then, uh, we kick the door down we beat the shit out of the guy, huh?

No, I don't want that, alright.

Alright, I'll think of something else.

You got the keys to that thing?

No. It's her car. I don't have the keys.

We hot-wire it. Come on.

Let's get out of here! Get away!

(Freebie) Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Come on. This is--

Look, we drive it to a tow-away zone.

I call a black and white car. We have them tow it away.

Terrific, huh? No good. Come on.

Come on, let's get out of here.

Hey, wait a minute.

Look, let's do something, alright? Huh?

I mean if you got no balls, let me do something.

I got balls. You want to see? Come on.

Alright, alright.

Come on.

It's a terrific idea.

Central, central, request traffic control to Red Coach Motor Lodge.

1 970 Merc station wagon. Brown and white.

Uh, license plate FSA-952.

'Roger, 2-1 .' Thank you. 1 0-4.

That's it, man. We nailed it.

We swipe the officer's copy from the DMV file you got yourself some evidence, huh?

Come on.

What are you doing? Come on. Huh? Yeah.


[Freebie chuckles]

What the hell was that? Haven't you heard?

The buses are all on strike.

Super Bowl. Jesus.

They sure know how to picket, don't they?

What do they want? New steering wheels?

(male dispatcher) 'Intelligence, 2-1 , regarding inquiry.'

'Location of Dr. Harry Ziegler, D.D.S.'

'1 3, West Temple, 52nd floor.'

Tell Rosen we'll get on it. We'll be there in five minutes.

(male dispatcher) Roger, 2-1 .

Old man Meyers is having his teeth cleaned.

Ought to be a nice quiet..

[woman screams]

(male #9) 'Jesus Christ! What's going on in there?'

[indistinct chatter]

(male #1 0) 'Are you alright?'

[indistinct chatter]

Goddamn little fruit.

I got a confirmed reservation I made eight weeks ago.

'Don't tell me I can't have a room.'

I own stock in this here cow-plop palace!

(Freebie) 'Excuse me. You want to take it easy, big fella? Huh?'


Hold it, hold it. Hold it, hold it.

Now, look. Next move you make is gonna be your last.

You got that? What are you doing?

Hey, I got a gun here. What's the matter with you?

These things ain't worth shit unless you're going to use them.

Excuse me.

Oh, God.


Hey, Bean. 'You got him.'

Bean! 'You got him.'

Give me a break. Uh! Bean!

I'm coming, Freebie! 'Alright. Please hurry.'

I'm coming! Oh, God.



Get up! Give me the cuffs.

I got him. Get up!

[indistinct chatter]

Come on, you big piece of garbage!

May I have my mitt?

(Bean) Here's a little something for you.

How much did he give you? Two dollars.

Not enough.

[Freebie whistling]

We can drop him off at the 1 4th precinct on the way to the dentist's office.

Took two of you to take me. Alright.

Snuck up from behind. Typical chicken shit--

Just sit back and relax!

Goddamn cities. Calm yourself!

Shit. Come out in the open! 'Get in the back there.'

I'd have taken you. I'd have taken you.

Turn on the radio, will you, so I don't have to listen

'to that crap, it's too early in the morning.'

(man on radio) 'From last night's brownout comes a story'

'that makes today seem a little brighter.'

'The story of a blind man with a seeing-eye dog'

'who led two children stuck in an elevator'

'through the darkness to the safety of their mother's arms.'

Heartline. Another heartwarming story.

How come all we get is two spades stealing a television set out of salons.

Jesus Christ, are you a bigot.

All this time, I thought it was just me.

You're a full Archie Bunker, aren't you?

So? What else is new? What's new at home?

Oh, yeah. I got to tell you.

'She comes home last night at 2:45' in the morning, dressed to the nines.

She looks better than I've seen her look in 1 5 years.

Hey! Either one of you two fags got the guts to stop the car and take off the cuffs once?

I'd love to take a pocketful of your teeth back to Texas.

Listen, it'd be really a lot better if you don't talk any more.

You get my meaning?

So anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah.

She's wearing a black jersey dress.

Now, Goddamn it, if you're messing around with a guy that's got two white dogs, you don't wear a black jersey dress, you know what I'm saying?

Maybe she was fooling around with the dogs.


I'm only kidding. It's a bad joke.

Listen, why don't you buy one of those, uh, vibrators?

Maybe that'll keep her home at night.

What the hell's the matter with you?

Those things are for facial massage.

No, no, no. You know, the vib--

It says on the box.

Those things are for facial massage.

Are you stupid? Are you a dumb Mexican?

'I mean no wonder she fools around.'

(male #1 0) 'You gutless wonders!'

'No wonder you're cops.'

'Can't live without your guns.'

Well, I'll bet you both squat to pee.

I'll bet you both squat to pee.

Okay, that's it. Stop the car.

'Pull over here, okay?' Hmm? Okay. Okay.

Come on.

Get up there.

Give me the keys. Here.

(Freebie) 'Hey, listen. Don't be an asshole, Bean.'

'Put him back in the car. We got a lot of things to do.'

Give me the keys. I gave them to you.

Oh, yeah.

You gonna do it?

You really gonna do it? Yup.

Hey, you're alright. I love you, man.

Hey, you got a Polaroid camera to take a picture of this with?

Now listen, I think you're gonna let your mouth overload your ass, he's a big honker, this fella here.

Okay, cowboy, let's go. Whoo-ee.

I never thought I'd live to see the day.

You lived to see the day. May not live to see the night.

(Freebie) 'Alright! Alright!'

Nice shot, Bean!

Okay, let's go.

Come on, give me a hand with him.

What for? You did it. Come on, get him.

I'm hungry. Let's get something to eat.

Hey! hey! Come on.


Will he be much longer?

It'll just be a few more minutes now, Mr. Broder.

Well, would it be possible if I could just..

Big baby.

Ha-ha! What are you laughing about?

I just, I just found out why I became a cop. Why?

It's because when I was a kid, I always thought I was gonna get arrested for something.

I had that feeling myself.

No, that's different.

With you, it could still happen.

Can I get something for you, Mr. Broder?

No, thanks. I got it.

Nurse, I have a very important appointment.

Maybe I better change this a-and come back when I got more time, huh?

It'll just be.. Oh, hi, Sammy.

You can just hang those up in the doctor's office.

Why don't you try to sit down and relax for a few more minutes?

Nurse, if I could just see that dentist one second I'd know whether to wait or come back if he has to pull it when I got more time.

Oh, boy, are you a big baby.

Doctor, do you suppose you could see Mr. Broder for just one second?

Well, put that magazine down. Come on, talk to me. Please?

Okay. Go ahead.

Thank you. I-I'll just be--

If I lose my job, you got to get me another one.

Hey, I'm sorry, I-I said you were a lousy lay.

Don't get bugged at me, alright?

You did't say I was one.. When did you say I was a lousy lay?

I must have said it sometime. I must have.

Well, that's alright, 'cause I am a lousy lay for a Mexican.

For a gringo, I'm terrific.

Stupid. Huh?

Stupid! What?

(Freebie) 'Red!'


What are you doing?


Are you crazy? You're breaking things!

Hey, get the elevator!

(Ziegler) Why did you do this in a doctor's office?

You're not a doctor. You're a dentist.

[gunfire continues]

[tires screeching]

(male #1 1 ) 'Argh!'

Get back!

Go that way! Go this way!

Come on!

[tires screeching]

[siren wailing]

I can't hit nothing today.

Oh, don't feel too bad. You hit a nurse.

Central, car 1 3, in pursuit of white paneled truck east on Broad Street at 53rd.

Suspect's armed and dangerous.

Request assistance. 1 0-4.

Don't lose him!

I ain't losing him. There he is.

Hey. Did you fill up the gas tank this morning?

Hate to tell you this, but you took the car.

Look, I don't want to argue, with you but that, uh gas tank's on "E", that don't mean enough you know that, moron.

Where'd he go?

Where'd he go?

Hey! Come on, shoot, will you?

There's too many people over there!

Watch that!

Get it out of here.

(Bean) 'Stop, stop stop!'

Oh, boy.

Watch it. He outweighs us.

If it's a tie, we lose.

(female #5) 'They're killing each other!'

(male #1 2) Hey, t-that's a one-way street!

[horns blaring]

Hey! You won't believe this, but I'm from Allstate.

What are you guys doing, you're going the wrong way on a one-way street.

Look what you've caused!

(female #6) 'Help! I'm caught in my safety belt!'

Get a wrecker.

Excuse me. Hey!

What are you doing with my bike? Hey! Hey!

Come back here! Fella, hey, come back!

Watch out!

Hey, you can't do that! Hey, get down off there!

'Hey, that's not a shortcut.' 'Look what you did to my car!'

[drum rolls]

[instrumental music]

Hey! Jesus Christ!


Easy, big fella.

Hey, sucker! You just bought 60 crates of apples!

(male #1 3) 'Watch it!'

Pardon me! Pardon me!


Whoa! Oh!

Look out! Out of the way! Out!


[instrumental music]

[siren wailing]

Son of a bitch.



[woman screams]

(male #14) 'Look out! Get out of the way!'


Hey! Hey!

Jesus Christ, what a mess here.

It's only ketchup.

I think he's still alive.

Call an ambulance! What for?

Get me a large bun and a doggy bag.

I'll take him with us. Jesus.

What happened to Broder? Did you get him?

No. No. I think I got a hole in him when I wrecked my knee.

There's blood all over the street.

Let's go get him. Are you kidding me?

I'm not going somewhere with you looking like that?

You look like the head of the Pollock police force.

What a pig. Jesus. What? Huh?

Harry, dear. What have you got there, a little Andy Warhol?


A little piece of the third car you guys have totaled out in the last two days.


Now that's not a state record but it's the city record.

But you know, if it happens one more time and you guys get lucky, you may get your names put on a bronze plaque in front of Ford motor plant. No shit?

Want to ride around with us for a few days, Harry?

Protect your interests? We got a lot of room in the back seat.

No chance. I got tickets for the game tomorrow.

Well, seems like some of us are only spectators, huh?

Yeah. Spectators?

Goddamn it, where the hell do you think I got this?

Hmm. Looks, uh, looks like a Comanche arrow to me.

Bean, what do you think? Comanche?

Oh! Oh, it's terrible! What about this one, Harry?

Look, Harry, give a look at this one here.

Oh, that burns.

Okay, let's go find Meyers before somebody else finds him.

What makes you think he's still hanging around?

What do you mean, you think he left town?

After what you did to him at the dentist's office laying on top of him he's gotta figure that you're uh, trying to save his life or you're very much in love with him.

Type these up, will you, please?

I think that this is a good chance he's gonna hide, you know?

[woman crying]

Uh, who do we know who comes from Texas that worked for Meyers?

Uh...couple of years.. Jimmy Shine.

Jimmy Shine. Yes, sir.

I do a terrific Texas accent. I mean really terrific.

Wait till you hear this.

Hold it down, will you please?

He's trying to make a phone call!

Uh, 2-1 ?


Hey! Hey, get out of here.

Hey, Mr. Meyers, how are you?

It's Jimmy Shine.

Yeah, we, uh, we come up here for the ball game, have a good time.

Thought maybe you and your missus, you know would like to have some dinner, here?

(Meyers) 'It's very nice of you to call, Jimmy.'

'Give us a rain check for now because, uh, the missus'

'and I are going to Miami tomorrow.'

Miami? What the.. What the hell you going to Miami for, sir?

(Meyers) 'What am I going to..'

'Wait, who the hell is this?'

This is, uh..

It's Humpty Dumpty, you asshole.

I can do it better.

If he goes to Miami, you know, that's it.

He's not gonna be around Monday to have the warrant served on him.

You gotta think of a way to stop him.

I mean, if he leaves town, this is it.

Yeah. Okay.

First thing..

Let's figure out a way to stop him.

Didn't I just say that? Huh?

Gary Muncie. Gary Muncie, that's it.

He owes me one. you know, for 50 bucks I'll have him break the old man's leg.

Now how is that? ...on a broken leg.

What is that, break his leg?

Alright, I'm reaching, I'm reaching.

I mean, I'm desperate. We break his jaw.

No. I don't want to break anything on him.

We're not meat packers. We're law-enforcement officers.

You don't want to hurt him. 'Forget that.'

We beat up his wife. No violence!

No violence! Lt always gets to violence with you.

He ain't gonna take no black-and-blue wife out of town.

Could you picture this chick checking in to the Americana?

Black and blue? Stop it, you're makin'--

The black-and-blue wife, he ain't going nowhere.

Leave me alone.

Now, give me the ticket. What ticket? Oh.

Listen, uh, want me to go in with you, you know?

Good guy, bad guy routine? No. Just give me the ticket.


Oh, hey, uh, listen.. Huh?

Dear, uh, if you need me uh, you know where I'll be over at Red's, alright?

Yeah, right. Ta-ta.


Everybody out!

Wife-swappers back to your own beds!

What are you doing here, huh?

Daddy! Hey! Hey! Hey!

What are you doing in the house? Get the hell out of here!

Here's $1 0. Go to the movies.

Get outta here. We've seen it already!

Out! See it again.

Alright, get the hell out of here!

Out, out! Everybody out! You, too.

What the hell are you laughing about? Get out of here!

What's going on? Where are the kids going?

They're going to the movies. Ah, that's crazy.

What's the matter with you? Get in here. Sit down.

What is the matter with you? Huh?

Okay. Let's get right to the point.

What point? Where were you last night?

I told you. I went to the school meeting.

The school meeting? Yeah. I went, yeah.

Since when do they have the school meeting in a motel?

They have the school meeting i-in the school auditorium like always.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Sit down!

You sure you don't want to change your story?

Okay, they had the school meeting in the zoo in the zebra's cage.

Then what were you doing at the Red Coach Motor Lodge last night, lady?

I was at the school meeting in the auditorium last night.

Your car was at the Red Coach Motor Lodge!

So what? I lent my car to Louise.

You lent your car to Louise? I lent it to Louise.

You lent your car to Louise? Upstairs. Louise. Yes.

Okay. Sit right there. Don't move.

I won't move.


Louise! 'What?'

Did Consuela lend you her car last night?

(Louise) 'Let me talk to her.'

Never mind her! I'm doing the talking here.

Did Consuela lend you her car last night?

Louise, go ahead and tell him the truth.

Don't lie. Just tell the truth.

Did Consuela lend you her car last night?

(Louise) 'Okay! I borrowed the station wagon last night!'

Where did you go?

(Louise) 'To the Red Coach Motor Lodge.'

Who were you with? None of your Goddamn business!

Can I get up now? Sit right there.

(Consuela) 'I'm not moving...Copper.'

Sergeant Bean, intelligence 2-1 , please.

(Freebie) 'Yeah?'

Freebie? She's coming up with answers.

She's got answers for everything.

I don't know what the hell to do.

Hit her with the phone bill.

In the month of December, there's 345 message units to Acme Landscape Gardening.

Now, if you want to be alive in the morning you start coming up with some answers.

l-l know what that is but l-l don't want to tell you about it because it will ruin the surprise.

Go ahead. Ruin the surprise.

R-Really, I want the surprise--

Now. Ruin the surprise. Okay.

I can answer this very easily. Go ahead.

You know all that dirt in the backyard?

Oh, yeah.

Well, I'm getting a lawn put on there and there's gonna be four lemon trees lined up on this side of the house.

We're gonna have a chain-link fence going all the way around the back with rose bushes all along in front so that yard won't look like a pigpen no more.

And who's gonna pay for this?

Where's the money gonna come from?

Did you come into an inheritance or been stealing from the grocery money or what?

'That's a $1 ,000 worth of stuff you're talking about.'

Will you let me tell you, that's what all these calls to Acme are.

I've been spending hours on the phone talking the guy into it.

He's the neighbor.

The guy with the two white dogs.

I talked him into giving us a great bargain.

Three hundred dollars.

We're getting it at cost.

We make, you know, payments of $1 0 a month.

You want to see the plans? I don't want to see the plans.

'Oh, come on. See the plans.' I don't want to see them.

I don't want to see the plans. Sure. I'll show them to you.

I don't want to see the plans!

I don't want to see the Goddamn plans.

How many times do I have to tell you? Sit down for Christ sake!

Okay. Alright, alright.

Yeah. Again, really?

When you left the house last night I went into the bathroom, and I looked in the closet and your thing was gone.

What thing? Your thing!

What thing.. I don't know--

You know what I'm talking about.

No, I really don't. What thing are you--

(Freebie) 'Your thing was gone from the closet!'

In the bathroom. In the bathroom closet!

What thing is that? Now what-- The thing! The thing!

What thing? Tell me what-- The Goddamn thing!

I keep a lot of things in there. My makeup, my lash curler--

You know what I'm talking about.

What are you talking about?

You know exactly what I'm talking about!

Your thing was gone!

You have to tell me what thing..

The bolsa de agua.


Ha-ha-ha! Yeah!

Laugh your way out of that one, baby. Ha-ha!

My douche bag? Yeah.

I don't believe it.


Come on, chickadee, I'm gonna show you where this douche bag..

The thing, is. There. If you were home, you'd see it.

Now, two holes, three holes, I could still use it but four holes, it was too late.

More went out than in.

So I had to retire it after nine years of faithful service.

I figure maybe if I'm lucky you'll buy me a new thing for Christmas, huh?

Aqui. The thing.

What now?

Watch it, eh?

Yesterday morning you went to the market.

That's right.

And this run, right here..

...was on the left leg.

Two hours!

You were gone two hours and when you came back with a bottle of cream--

It was very crowded, the store. Yeah.

Yeah. Two hours for a bottle of cream.

Lt was crowded, I tell you. I hear you.

This run was no longer on the left leg but had somehow magically moved over to the right leg.

Now what happened? You fell down and your legs got tangled up?

No. No. I, uh, went to the ladies room.

That's all. Okay?

You don't take them all the way off in the ladies room.

How do you know? How would you know that?

Have you ever seen a lady do it in the ladies room?

What, that creep, Freebie has you peeking in ladies rooms that women go into the bathroom?

Nobody takes them off. That's disgusting.

What is it that you and Freebie are doing all the time anyway?

No, now I know why you haven't touched me in two months.

You're busy with weirdness in ladies rooms.

Don't give me that crap!

Nobody takes them all the way off..

Okay. I grant you that.

You want to hear why exactly I took them off?

I would love that if you told me why you took them off already.

Alright, fine. It's a long story.

I want to hear it.

I was looking for the bottle of cream, you know.

So I was crouching down on a low shelf looking for my brand and this kid threw up on me.

Hmm. Down my shins, you know.

And the mother was very embarrassed and apologetic and she tried to wipe with tissue so finally the three of us went to the ladies room at which point, I took off my pantyhose rinsed them out in the basin let them dry and then I put them back on again apparently backwards, so the run moved.

What did you put them back on for?

Are you kidding? No.

You think I would run around without panties on?

What kind of man are you?

I'm shocked that you even asked me that.

Freebie would ask me that, that lowlife, but not my husband.

I'm really shocked.

Of course I put the pantyhose back on.

You're not so dumb, are you?

No...I'm not dumb.

I gotta be smart..

...'cause I'm married to this smart cop.

I cannot afford to be dumb.

Are you telling me the truth?

No. Of course not. It's all lies.


You're not so dumb, are you?

[instrumental music]

How are the puppies, Mr. Meyers?

(man on radio) '...and a first down at our 45-yard line.'

'And even with five minutes left in this first quarter'

'the stands are not quite filled.'

'The massive crowd that's trying to reach the stadium'

'has brought traffic to a veritable standstill outside.'

[whistles] Hey, meatball!

What are you doing, stealing the car?

What are all them slobs yelling at?

Ah, I don't know, Mr. Meyers.

Ain't no score yet.

Got the ball on the 38.

Oh, yeah? Whose 38?

Uh...I-I don't know.

I promised your brother I'd take care of you so will you stop playing pocket pool keep your hands on the wheel and drive slow!

Or is that too much to ask?

(man on radio) '...a hand-off, and, oh, what a pileup'

'right at the line of scrimmage, no gain.'

'Second and goal for the Texans..'

Hey, Mr. Meyers, the dog, uh, poop yet?

(Freebie) 'Suppose, uh, suppose we grab the kids, see?'

'Stick them in a hotel. We don't, we don't hurt them.'

'You sit with them. You get them room service.'

You know what that is? kidnapping.

I mean, at least, I-I'm getting better.

'It's nonviolent.' 'You're a Goddamn nut case.'

You call me names while my future's going in the toilet.

Hey. Come on. Huh?

(female #7) 'My God, it's so peaceful today'

'like London in the parks.'

(Freebie) He scored on a broad, the dirty old bastard.

Watch yourself.

He's gonna need two guys to help him on and off.

(man on Radio) '...fourth and three and looks to the sidelines'

'and here comes the field goal unit.'

I got a good life.

A beautiful wife.

I got to fuck around with some hustler in the park and look what it gets me.

Oh, now shut your mouth and listen to me, Mr. Meyers.

All I want is $200,000 in cash, and I want it now.

$200,000? What the hell do you think I am, American Airlines?

What, are you hijacking a Mercedes?

Where am I gonna get $200,000 on a Sunday?

From your weekly collections, Mr. Meyers.

Now please don't be silly and play games

'cause I don't care if I kill you or not.

Boss. We scored a field goal. We're three to nothing.

Would you shut up and drive!

Now, in a few minutes, you're gonna meet a couple of your friends in a blue Torino and one of them is going to hand you a suitcase and I'll settle for whatever's in it.

You see, I know a lot about you.

Move it! Move it, will you?

What's the matter with you?

Look, lady, everything is changed this week.

There's no meeting, there's no blue Torino and no guys and there's no suitcase because this week there's been a lot of extra heat.

Ah, give me a break.

Now, listen, old man, you tell your boy up there to drive us to your office because if there's no collection that means the money's already in the wall safe waiting for the bank to open on Monday.

Wall safe? Behind the Chagall.

[horns honking]

[indistinct chatter]

(male #1 5) Relax, you'll get to the game.

'What's the game about!'

(male #1 5) 'Come on, get in the car, will you?'

(male #1 6) 'You in the blue Chevy, any score?'

(male #1 7) 'Hey, come on, move it, asshole!'

An apple a day, huh?

(Bean) 'Hey.'

'She just smiled at me.'


She just smiled at me.

That broad over there? Yeah.

So what? She's a hooker.

What do you mean she's a hooker?

She eatin' a piece of fruit? Yeah.

Well, hookers are very big on fruit. You know that?

Where do you get all that shit?

She's sitting there. She's in there with three kids.

So what? What do you mean, hookers can't have kids?

Huh? Where do you think they come from?

You think you hit a piñata with a stick and they fall out or something?

[indistinct chatter]

Take me to the stadium.

Take the lady to the stadium.

Stadium? Yeah.

What's the matter don't you want to miss the ball game?

Oh, it's not the ball game, darling.

I just love the crowd.

(man on radio) 'It's intercepted!'

'A great block at the 45. He heads to the far sideline.'

'At the 25, 20, 1 0, 5--'

(Rosen) 'Okay, boys, this is Rosen.'

'We just picked up Motley at the airport.'

'You got your warrant. Go get your man.'

(man on radio) 'Alright, here comes Sayed in to try the extra point.'

'Harris will hold.'

[siren wailing]

[tires squeal]

[honking, wailing]

(male #1 8) 'Hey, how about a ride?'

(male #1 9) 'He's a loser!'

What did you do? What's going on here?!

That's what I've been trying to tell you.

That's why we canceled the pickup.

'Don't be stupid!' Hey!

Open the door! Come on!

The cops have been following me for a week!

Okay, buster--

[crowd screams]

(male #1 8) 'My God! She's got a gun!'

No siento Nada.


Esta bien.

No Te muevas, amigo.

You don't drive good.

(male announcer) 'There is a flag on the play.'

I'll kill him.

Get an ambulance.

[crowd roaring]

[horn honking]



Hey, jerk-off, that's my wife you--

Don't bother me.

Lady in a print dress..

You had to come here to have a fight?

Please, lady! She nearly knocked me down.

Where? Where? Where? She went in there.

Hey, you can't go in there.

Lady, I spend half my life in toilets.

Probably die in one.

Lady in the print dress. Come on out with your hands up.

'Come on in and get me, asshole.'

'And I ain't no lady.'

Bubble bath.

Look, there's only one door.

Sooner or later, you gotta come through it. Make it now.

'What's the matter, honey? You afraid of the ladies room?'



Alright, Freebie.

Be a good boy and drop the gun in there..

[screams] the basket.

Go on, 'cause I'm not even gonna count to 1 0.

You, outside.








[crowd roaring]

(male announcer) 'Harris shaken up on the play.'

(Rosen) 'Freebie!'

You look terrible, sergeant.

Who the hell is she? No. A faggot.

How's, uh.. How's Bean?

He's, uh.. I don't know.

The ambulance is coming, but-- Where's Meyers?

I sent him up to the press box with a couple of guys to guard him.

Freebie, forget it.

They got Motley on the way in from the airport.

He's dead. Who got him?

They didn't leave their names.

I could ask Red. I don't think he's gonna tell us.

Well, what now?

You really don't understand the law, do you, sergeant?

I told you, they got Motley. No witness, no case.

The warrant's canceled. It's canceled? Really?

Well, I'm gonna uncancel it.

Go and eat your nuts, you Goddamn moron.

Listen, I'm going up, and I'm getting Meyers. You hear this?

I'm gonna bring him to the station, if there ain't a cell door open, I'm gonna tear the front of the fuckin' building off.

That son of a bitch is guilty. I know he's guilty.

And you know he's guilty.

If you can't prove that to a Goddamn court of law then you're a fuckin' moron that shouldn't have the Goddamn job--

Quiet, will you?

My partner's laying bleeding out there and that asshole's worried about his conviction record.

Your ass has had it this time. Alright, alright! Let him go.

Go on and pick up Meyers. Damn it, you know--

Let Freebie pick him up.

Okay, son. Just don't get so excited, huh?

Yeah, pick him up.

How can you be a mouthpiece and an asshole at the same time?

[crowd chanting]

Hey, now, hold it. What?

His heart went, man. Couldn't stand the strain.

[crowd roars]

(male announcer) ' apparent touchdown'

'but there's a flag on the play.'

I'm sorry he's dead.

I bet you are.

I am. I'm sorry.


What a lot of crap.

Not for you, for me.

I was gonna pick him up.

We had him cold.

You? You had Red Meyers cold?

If you lived another 200 years you wouldn't be smart enough to have Red Meyers cold you dumb-ass jerk.

Forty years running the numbers game and there's no-class, dumb, Hick cop thinks he's smarter than Red Meyers.

Go back to your garbage cans.

You'd still be there looking if not for me.

Well, who do you think stuffed that stuff in the garbage you putz?

(male announcer) 'Five yards for defensive holding'

'and it's first and goal.'

Three to five.

Three to five!

You call that three to five?

That's forever!

Mildred, I, I love you. Please, who could know?

You promised me!

'Three to five with time off!'


Mildred, I, I wish..

I wish it could have been me instead of him!

I wish it was!


Who could know about his heart?

(male announcer) 'James Roberts for the TD!'

Everything okay, Lieutenant?

You tell her to put the paper in the garbage?


You know, uh..

You're a son of a bitch.

I was gonna marry her.

Why is everybody mad at me?

I didn't want him to get hurt. I promised her.

But make her understand that, you know what I mean?

You don't know what I mean.

I don't know what I mean.

(male announcer) 'That makes it 1 7-nothing.'

Which one's this? This is the cop.

[crowd roaring]

You okay?

[instrumental music]

I'm hungry.

Huh? What?

I've got to have a taco.

I've got to have a taco.

ls this your idea of a joke? What?

This is.. What are you saying?

Is that your idea of a joke?

What are you talking about? You brainless son of a bitch.

You almost got me killed back there! You know that?

What? Look at my face.

Look at my arm! Look what you did to me.

I didn't do nothing! I wasn't even there!

You're never there when I need you son of a bitch!

Don't talk to me like that! You're an asshole!

(male #1 9) 'I can't steer!'


(Freebie) Ah, watch my arm, will you?

Oh! Are you trying to kill me?

You Mexican asshole!

I almost lost my arm! Can't take a joke!


♪♪ You and me baby we got something going ♪♪

♪♪ There ain't nothin' we can't do ♪♪

♪♪ Like honey and bees we go together ♪♪

♪♪ Me and you ♪♪♪♪

[instrumental music]

[music continues]