French Dirty (2015) Script

[Vincent] Thinking back over the last year, I realize, the moment I met Roma is when it all started to change.

Un...

Deux...

Troi...

Quatre...

Cinq...

Six...

Sept...

Huit...

Neuf...

Dix.

This is me.

1988, three years old, before things got complicated.

This is my best friend Steve.

We still have sleepovers.

These are my parents.

I was the ring bearer at their wedding, which I guess makes me a bastard.

For so long they were... so in love.

It was just their friends and me.

Eventually, a little sister and... it was perfect.

And then, I don't know, life, time, age, bills, routine, I guess life always finds a way to complicate itself, if you let it.

And it did.

One house turned into two...

And that's when I became a latchkey kid.

Just always had a key and a shoelace around my neck.

My mom thought that if I had my own key, I would feel more like a grown up, but I don't know if I ever did.

[heavy breathing]

[female moaning]

[female panting]


[moans]

[Roma] How are we going to do this?

[Vincent] I think we have to tell Steve today.


[screaming] Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!


[phone vibrating]

[message ring tone]

[dial tone]

[Steve's voice] Hey, guys, you've reached Steve.

I'm out of town and away from the phone this weekend, but can check on my messages so leave one.

[beeps]

[Vincent] Steve-O, what up. It's me, man.

Um. Hope you got back in town all right?

You're probably at work now, um...

Listen, I want to talk to you about something.

So, let's meet at St. Nick's tonight, seven?

Call you later, dude, peace.


[Vincent] Directly at me.

Can we focus, please?

That hurt... that hurt you?

-[Vincent] You went straight... -I know. It was kind of hard.

[Vincent] Yeah, that one hurt.

Look, no, but seriously, we have to focus for a second, okay?

'cause this is really... this is important.

What we do can affect the temperature of the whole place, all these people are counting on us. They need to know--

Okay, all the people are counting on us.

All of them. They need to know.

So like, what order, we're figuring out, there's a science to this.

[beeps]

Whoa, whoa...

You can't just go pressing it, either.

Let's make sure we're on the same page here, you know what I mean?

-Okay. -Okay, good.

Look at these album covers right here.

Simon & Garfunkel, this dude's directly behind him.

-And he's like... -Seriously.

-He's like eating... -It's like, if I were standing in front of you...

Cougar, that's a strange position to be in, for a cover.

But that's fine, we'll give that one to him.

Let's see. That is perfect.

This is like...

-You kind of look like him. -Yeah?

You know Joe Cocker?

Yes, of course, he's the only one to cover a Beatles song and do it better.

And, you know, some things you don't touch.

Some things are just off limits, but he went there and he did it to perfection.

He did it better. Mmm-hmm.

I'm impressed, I'm impressed. I just want to say that.

-[beeps] -No. You just pressed it.

We didn't even have a dialog about it.

-Ooo... -Now you're...

["Notre bloc" by Les Fées de Paris playing]


[Roma giggling]


Whoo! [laughing]

[giggling] Hey, baby.

[both kissing]

-[Steve] Whoo! -[Roma giggling]

So beautiful.

[Steve laughs maniacally]

[Steve] Getting wild tonight, boy?

Yeah, milady.

[Roma] Slow down! Slow down! [chuckles]

-Come here. Threesome. -Hey, man.

-[Roma] No... -Whoo!

Where's my drink?

It's right there.

Yeah!

I missed you.

[Steve] I missed you!


Excusez moi, excusez moi.

Sorry, I don't speak it.

No, pardon, uh, I'm looking for...

Coeur esprit.

-Yeah, I don't-- -Yes, uh, no.

Melrose Avenue, Hearts and Spirits.

Melrose, yeah. If you just keep on going that way and then you make a right, and then another left and you'll find it.

-Okay? -Okay, yeah. And can I feet?

Can you what?

Can I feet?

Yeah, see, I'm not--

I'm joking. Can I walk there, with my foot,by feet? [giggles]

With your foot by feet.

Yeah.

Come on, I'll feet you.

Yeah?

I'll... yeah.

Nice, thank you.

These maps.

It's a big city, LA, huh?

I like the weather here.

I mean, it's pretty smoggy here.

Huh?

Smoggy, like, [imitating choking] you know?

-Don't do that. Yeah. -Can't breathe.

Hmm.

Do you know, um... Do you know a joke?

Joke? No. I'm not really funny, you know?

Well, I have one joke. Want to hear my joke? Okay.

It's...

A couple in bed, they wake up, it's in the morning, the man, he wants to have sex, he's like... [imitating kissing]

And the girl is like, "Oh, no, I cannot today

'cause I'm seeing the lady doctor, the genecologist."

The gynecologist, yeah?

Yeah, genecologist and...

And she said I don't want, you know, her to see...

It's disgusting.

So, the man is sad, 'cause he really want to have sex.

And then he said to her, "Yes, but are you seeing the dentist today?"

-That's funny. -That's funny.

[Vincent] You got a boyfriend?

[Josephine] Yes, I do.

We've been together, like, two years, and, uh, yeah.

You love him?

-Of course, I do. Yes. -[phone ringing]

He's perfect, you know.

I mean, you know, for me.

Anything.

Hey, I'm sorry, I just gotta--

Sure.

Hello?

Hey, Ma.

No, I'm kind of in the middle of something right now.

Cookies?

I see you all the time, you know.

Yeah, okay. Bye.

-Hey. -Hey.

I heard cookies.

Yeah, my mom she wants me to bring her cookies. Um...

But look, Melrose is just right over there.

I'm sorry I have to run, it was really nice meeting you.

I would love to meet your mom.

I'd love to eat cookies with you guys.

Uh, no.

Come on, don't be a mud in sticks.

Wait for me here.

Just a second and I'll be back.

I'll run, back and forth.

[Jess] He's going to see us.

[Roma] Jess, Jess, come here, come here, come here Come here, come here, quick!

[Vincent] Guys, this is beautiful up here.

-I'm really glad we... got away, ya know? -[Jess laughing]

Sucks.

[Steve] Twirl.

-Twirl. -[Vincent] Thank you.

Thanks for... leaving me here, it's great.

I got you, yeah, whoo!

[laughing]

You're just going to leave me?

[Steve] Bye.

That's cool. Let's go get in the jacuzzi.

It's a little warm but it'll still be nice, bubbles.

[female howling]

[Vincent] Let's go.

[Steve] Stay sharp, baby.

[Roma] Baby, stay sharp.

[Vincent] Movie.

Heart.

Big heart.

-Love. -Yes.

Love.

Wristwatch?

Time, time, love, time.

Love in the Time of Cholera! [laughs] Got it!

-She got cholera! -That was unbelievable!

You're absolutely... They're cheating! That was cheating!

We'll show you how it's really done.

-[Roma] Oh, really? I'm going to show you -how it's really done.

That's what you're gonna do?

I'm absolutely gonna show you how it's done.

You're gonna show us how it's done?

-Absolutely, positively. -How are you gonna do that?

-Show me, baby. -I'll show you all day, baby girl.

I'mma show you all day.

[Steve] Game time. Let's get it.

Uh... A pirate? Maybe pirate?

It's a movie.

[Steve] Addict, drug addict.

Heroin, heroin! Addict!

Heroin junkie! Yes, heroin junkie!

What game are you playing, do you know how this works?

-[Steve] Stay sharp, baby. -Yea, baby. Stay sharp.

What, what, what... Let's get this.

What the "H" is that?

Okay, sounds like, movie, syl-la-ble.

Do you know how to fucking draw a straight line or are you some retarded kindergartener?

Jessica, I be learning still.

Please don't be mad, we be friends.

And just like a side-note, people, I think this should be said, but, like, it's charades, so no one should be talking.

You know, like don't use your words kind of thing, right.

Time for the 'cuzz.

-Whoo! -Woo-hoo!

I wanna go in the 'cuzz.

[Roma] Oh, yes, girl, drink it up. Mmm-hmm.

I feel you, I really do.

-What? Oh, my God! -Whoa-ho-hoo!

She just put that bottle to bed.

That's sexy, babe, I like that.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Mamacita.

[Roma] Yeah, baby.

Tiger time.

Oh, I love it when you wear those googles on your head.

-Rawr! Rawr! -Rawr!

[Vincent] We're going to go, too.

[Roma] You guys coming?

Maybe in a bit.

Aye! You little fuckers.

-They're gonna have sex! -Do it!

Yeah, we'll see you in five, you fuckin' fuckers.

[Roma giggling] Hurry up.

We'll be out there.

-[Roma] Yeah! -[Steve] Whoo!

'Cuzzi, 'cuzzi, 'cuzzi.

'Cuzzi, cuzzi, cuzzi, cuzzi.

Babe?

What is that?

What?

That.

No. Please don't do that.

What, why are you acting like this?

Vince.

Yes?

What? What is it?

[sighs] You know what.

Yeah, I wanted to go in the jacuzzi, but it's cool.

You're in love with her, it's obvious.

What?

It is. And it's embarrassing.

You used to be so in love with me.

I don't know, maybe somewhere you still are, but what am I supposed to do with this?

-Come on. -No, don't. Tell me!

What do you want me to do with this?

You have nothing to say.

[sighs]

You know everyone loves you, but really deep down, you're an asshole and it sucks.


You want gum?

No, thanks.

Cookies, cookies. [giggles]

Cookie monster.

Hey, no way, what did you just do?

What?

You just put the papers in the street.

Oh. Why would you do that?

You should not.

Yeah, you're right, I just...

You should care, you live in LA.

I do care.

This is the planet. No, you don't.

-I care about the planet. -You do that.

Of course I care about the planet, I'm sorry.

You know that when the planet is mad, it's really bad.

Really bad. Should not do that.

You want me to go get it?

No, for real, do you want me to go back and get it or no?

Once it's done, it's done, come on.

You cannot go back when you trash the world like this.

But, I'll make you think about it on the way back.

[phone beeps]

Who's that? Roma?

Hmm.

[Steve] Dude, you gotta...

You gotta stop it, man, for real, all right?

-Can't stop, won't stop, baby. Stay sharp. -Okay.

Dude, we got to get you out of this shit, you up?

What? Wake the fuck up! Stay sharp.

I'm up, man, I'm fucking sharp.

Man, you ain't sharp, you as dull as an old man's dick reading Dostoevsky.

Okay, this is not helping the situation, all right?

Stop! For real man, what the fuck?

You tell me, brother. You tell me what the fuck is up.

[Vincent groans]

Fuck! That one kind of hurt, all right?

That's good, that's good. I want them all to fucking hurt, man.

That means you're alive.

How's that feeling? That's what feelings is.

-Okay. -Come on, man.

[Vincent] Thank you.

Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Enough! All right? That's fucking enough.

Smile bigger, smile bigger. Uh...

Smile bigger or else the pile driver's coming.

Do you want the pile driver?

I do not want the pile drivers.

[Steve] Come on, come on.

-What? -Fuck her, fuck her.

Jess is, listen, man, real talk, real talk.

Put out those positive vibes, and the world's going to reciprocate ten-fold, I promise you, man.

You'll find your sweetheart.

[police siren wailing]

Boom! [laughs]

Do it again, do it fucking again.

-Stay sharp, baby! Stay fucking sharp! -Yeah, baby!

[both shouting]

Yeah! That's what I'm fucking talking about, dude.

Woo-hoo-hoo!

Get the fuck off.


[Roma's voice] How are we going to do this?

I think you're good to drive home.

No, baby, we're shacking up tonight, man.

Two 30-year-old guys We're so alive

And so well And so ready for love Cool? Ow!

-How about this version? -Uh-huh.

We're two 30-year-old guys

We're so alive We're so well

-Yeah, I like that. -All right, what about this?

We're two 30 year-old guys

We're going to die, tonight Bro, that's not the energy, man. You gotta stay sharp.

Nee-Noo.

Seriously, man, we gotta get you out of this state, man, you gotta clean up.

God, is this what I think this is?

Yep, Jess's toothbrush.

Nope.

-Why would you? -Nope.

And is this, is this...

-Nope. -Those are her bobby pins.

Absolutely not.

She used to have bobby pins, but thanks for helping me clean up, I appreciate that.

The truth is, I think, what I think the solution is, I think you just need to bang a chick.

Whoa. That felt aggressive.

When did the words for sex just get so violent?

I smashed her softly.

Uh... I read those cheeks, gently.

I laid that pipe, constructively.

You say it is like a god damn construction site.

I raided her with my cock!

I ram-shackled her... to the bed.

It's definitely... it's definitely a conquering situation.

It's kind of like Genghis Khan to the rescue.

Sex, we're going to have sex.

Yeah, except when you're in love though, baby. Mmm...

No, definitely when you're in love. Kinda, like, specially when you're in love.

-No, no, see, when you're in love... -We're in love.

When you're in love, it's just... it's different.

You know, I mean, there's energy and there's vigor.

But it's, um... How do I put it? It's like a conversation.

You know what I mean? It's intense!

Like me, I'm definitely destroying her, You know what I mean? That's definitely what's happening. but it's just, like, I'm destroying her in... in the best of ways, you know what I mean? It's just like...

I'm just truthfully and righteously and honorably, destroying her.

In... just the best ways.

With chivalry, I mean, does that make sense?

Did you really bring that over to my house to sleep tonight?

Yeah.

You carry that with you wherever you go?

Every night, baby. You know, if I miss one night of this guy, that's what happens to my teeth. Whee!

No, can't get out of the rhythm.

Sleep time!


-Hi, Ma. -Look at you.

My baby's such a handsome man.

I just wish you didn't look so much like him.

Come on in.

Um... What happened?

I don't want to talk about it, okay?

-So? -I just...

No, I said what happened?

-Can I get-- -No, just go on.

Are you going to let me talk? Or you just...

You always do this!

Okay, you get these girls to like you and then you go down this road and...

Okay, I like Jess.

I mean I wish I had that.

You better get your own life together before you get yourself a man.

Talking about "you wish you had that."

You look good.

I've been working out, -I've been doing burpees. Okay, watch. -Yeah?

Whoa!

You gotta really throw yourself on the ground like that.

Most guys don't even know how to do it right.

-[grunts] -Right.

Tanny, please, not in the house.

And Vincent, you going to introduce your friend or are you just going to let her stand over there in the corner?

-This is Josephine. -[Tanny] Already got someone new.

Don't take this one long at all.

Hello.

[Vincent] She's a friend.

-[Ma] Uh-huh. -[Tanny] Uh-huh.

Come on, baby. Come on in the kitchen.

[Ma] What you got in the bag?

Cookies.

-Vincent. -What?

What happened?

With what?

With Jess, what happened?

We broke up two months ago, okay, Tanny?

Okay, well, I just haven't seen you in a while.

Well, I guess that makes me a bad brother.

Okay, I didn't say all that.

So, what happened?

I don't want to talk about it.

Who is she?

-She's a friend. -A friend?

Take a look at this.

I got this last night.

-They say it's French food. -[Tanny] So you already at it again.

-I don't know. -Oh, yes!

It is! Ratatouille.

-Yeah? -Yeah!

I didn't think it was that good, but you try it.

Tell me if you think it's good.

...this thing that you keep doing.

I really don't need life advice from you right now, okay? Please.

[Grandma] Vincent, is that you?

Grandma's here?

You better go say hi.

Hey, baby, can you get that lemonade and bring it in here?

Yeah.

I missed you when I came in.

I was outside getting lemons.

Hi.

[kissing]

I'll pay you back.

[Grandma] Hey, I won't hold my breath.

Set it down right here.

Now who's this?

This is Josephine, Ma.

That's Vincent's friend. She lives in Paris.

I wanna live in Paris.

Half the year. Six months on, six months off.

That's cool, Ma. But how am I going to bring you cookies if you live in Paris?

-How is your father? -He's good.

They moved not too far from here.

Yeah? That's good, I'm glad they got out of that other place.

I mean, maybe they'll be happier.

Dad's happy, all right?

They're actually talking about having another kid.

[Grandma and Tanny chuckling]

Oh, that's something, isn't it?

Hush, Tanny. It's a good thing.

It is.

[Grandma] Vincent, could you hand me my purse?

Thank you.

You didn't steal anything, did you?

I always say to your mother, don't lie, don't cheat, don't steal.

Don't I always say that?

Hmm. Who has a joke?

Do you know a joke?

I have a joke.

-Knock, knock. -Who's there?

Shut the fuck up and get out of my house.

Oh, come on, that was funny. [giggles]

You guys didn't think that was funny?

Yeah. You're funny, Ma.

Yeah, that's funny.

[chuckles] She's right, she's funny.

What about you, Ma?

You seeing anybody? It's kind of been a while.

You're still wearing that ring.

I need the key back.

I mean you just come barging in.

It's fine.

It's time to get the key back.

[Ma] Keep it, for now.

[Vincent] A few years after my parents split up, I found an old letter left open on my mom's desk.

Basically I saw that she was the one that actually cheated.

[Ma] Whoo!

You are Mr. Clown.

Yeah, I'm Mr. Clown.

-[Ma] All right. -[Pa] Very good.

[Ma laughs] Is that enough?

Is that enough makeup?

[Pa] What's it all mean?

What are you going to think when you look back on this, 20 years from now?

[Ma] I'm going to be happy.

[Pa] What else?

Uh, I don't know, these are good times.

I'm happy, I'm thrilled. I want that ring. Yeah, yeah, yeah...

[Vincent] Mom!

Come this way. Let's see the kitchen.

This is Stephanie, the matron of the house.

Okay, Steph, say "I love you."

Baby, you don't know how to do that.

You can say, "Steph, action." You can say something.

You don't have to say, "Steph talk to yourself."

It kind of seems like you're making me do it!

[Vincent coughing]

Spit it up.

You all right?

The closet, no skeletons in the closet quite yet.

Steph, why are you throwing...

I'm not throwing. Just for a second...

-That's recyclable. -No, no...

-Why are you throwing? All right. -I'm not throwing.

[Pa] Good thing we don't have tubes anymore in these cameras.

And now is our chance.

[Pa laughing]


That was fun.

Your mom, I mean.

She's very spontaneous, um, I would say.

She's like...

No, no, no... And then... [screams]

Don't get on me, all right? You're the one who wanted to come.

Oh, come on, don't be a rotten tomato.

What?

You know when there's a ripe tomato and you put it with the rotten ones?

Then, the ripe ones--

What are you saying? Can you just say what you mean, please?

I mean, shit happens.

To everyone.

All the time.

This is our job, to separate ourselves.

You know, just to stay good.

I mean...

Don't get me wrong, I was surprised by her joke. [giggles]

Although I think she might... she seems to keep things inside too long.

Yeah, her and my dad had a nasty breakup, and I don't think she really got over it.

You know, she never really forgave herself.

I warned you though, all right? You wanted to come.

-Oh, stop. -That was you.

I loved it.

Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq, six, sept, huit, neuf, dix.

Tada.

Every time I need to let things go, this is what I do, feels much better.

You should do that.

Okay.

If someone just told her to breathe in and count to ten and everything will be all right, yeah?

Uh, no, it won't solve everything, but it's a start.

What's up with you?

Is this like you for real?

Like, are you this chippery all the time or...

Why did you want to come with me today?

Um, 'cause you were there, at the corner.

I was there.

Yeah, I mean, it could easily have been someone else, but it happened to be you, so I guess we were to meet today.

[giggles]

And, hey, that's mine. [laughs]

-Which one? This one's yours? -Oh, that one in your mouth.

-Butthead, that's my taco. -This one's yours?

You're going to continue to eat that, also?

Thank you.

Butthead, where did you learn to speak English, the 90s?

Did the 90s teach you?

[phone ringing]

Hey! do you wanna watch any music tonight?

Oh!

And he quiets it.

Hold my calls, please.

No, actually, I have some stuff to do tonight. You done?

[phone ringing]

I think she wants to talk to you though.

I'll talk to her later.

Maybe it's important.

I don't know, should we find out?

[phone keeps ringing]

[phone stops ringing]

Ready?

Bye, gracias.

-That was good, right? That's my favorite spot. -Yes.

I think that was the best tacos I've ever had.

I never really eat tacos though.

-They must be your friends. -Why?

Because they pollute the planet.

Yo, brother, you live around here?

-What's up? -I said, do you live around here?

What do you mean, do we live around here, bro?

Hey, have a nice day with your girl, man.

No, no, no. I don't think you heard me.

Well, I heard you, but what does it mean to you?

There's a trash can right there.

Meaning?

Meaning you should probably just pick it up, throw it away, it takes two seconds.

Excuse me?

Yeah, man, go for it, don't pollute the planet.

Look, I don't think you want to walk over here.

Looks like I'm already over here.

Pick up that fucking butt.

You good?

After you pick it up.

Okay, how about I pick it up?

You all wanna be childs.

-Come on, man, pick up that-- -What?

Hey, stop!

What are you talking about, bro?

All right, fuck him, fuck him.

Just teach your man some manners.

Have a nice one.

Why would you do that?

You think it's funny?

Why would you do that to them or to yourself?

I don't get it.

This is what you want, you want to fight?

You want to be bad, huh? You want to hurt someone.

I think this day is over.

I thought you were someone good.

But I don't want to be your friend.

You have litter in your heart.

-It's an earthquake, babe. It's an earthquake. -[giggling]

Hey, it's an earthquake.

-Hey, it's an earthquake. -[giggling]

Seriously, an earthquake. You gotta get under something sturdy.

Okay, be my something sturdy.

No, there's no time for that, all right?

There's a earthquake, it's a earthquake.

Come on, there's always time to kiss my babe.

I could lay here with you on this island forever.

And ever, and ever, and ever, and ever... And ever!

Hmm.

I could too.

But I gotta go, come on.

-Babe, babe, you don't want to burn those little toes. -[laughs] What?

That's lava, all right? You're only safe from the volcano in this bed.

Wait a second, I thought it was an earthquake, now it's a volcano?

Get your story straight, mister.

This is our fantasy island, it could be whatever we want it to be.

[Vincent] What am I supposed to do with this?

-With what? -This!

Babe, put that away, they're going to be here any second.

No, I love it. [laughs]

I love it. No, put it away.

Just jerk off by my lone-ski.

-No, wait. Save me from the lava. -[Vincent screams]

[both laughing]

Give me that.

But I... that was mine.

Now it's mine.

Share.

[both grunting]

In your face. That was your face.

[both groaning]

[Jess] What are you guys doing?

Why are you doing that to each other?

Because it's fun.

Because we're men.

Why does anybody do anything to each other?

[Steve shouts] A man!

Come on, get off the roof.

I almost ate your hot dog.

Holster that.

-Bam! -Bro... whoa!

[Steve] Right in the face. Ack!

So gross. Surprise attack!

[Vincent and Steve shout]

-Boom! Boom! -[Steve] That's not fair.

You're going to get roughed up. You're going to get roughed up.

Is it time to eat?

Yeah.

-Meow. -Oh, poor Stevie.

[Roma] Got buns.

Ooh, thank you, sir.

Uh... feed me my grapes, woman.

-You want grapes? -Uh-huh.

Oh-ho-ho. Oh, no! Oh...

-[Steve]Look at that. -[Roma] I got you everywhere.

I deserved it.

[Jess and Vincent kissing]

You guys are cute.

How long have you been together?

Six months.

Babe, it's been 11 months.

That's what I said, 11 glorious moons.

And you, you...

Stop making trouble, you troublemaker.

Wait, don't blame her because you're terrible at keeping time.

Don't worry about it. My boy V, he's always been a little out of step.

What?

Always late to work, used to hand in his homework with the most awful excuse.

I feel like you're assassinating my character right now.

-And he missed my star making turn as Peter Pan. -[gasps]

No, no, no, hey, I didn't miss it, I just walked in the auditorium doors and you were like, "thank you."

That's missing it.

Yeah, but whatever though.

At least I told you.

Could've just lied and said you killed it.

But you didn't because you're a good man.

[both growl]

Thank you.

-It was a riveting bout, man. -Oh, get outta here.

Shit, now I feel bad.

I feel like I need a time machine to go back and redeem myself.

Ooh, I'd love a time machine.

[Steve] You know where I'd go with a time machine?

-[Roma] Where? -Nowhere.

I wouldn't change shit.

My life is perfect the way it is right now.

I wouldn't change shit 'cause then I wouldn't have met you, or you or you.

-Aww. -[Vincent] That's so sweet.

Aww... [blows raspberry]

-Uh...I heard that. -[laughs] Ow.

[Steve laughing] Aaack!

That's nice, but I know exactly where I would go.

I would get in my time machine and go right to ancient Egypt and be Cleopatra.

Wait. What are the rules of this game? Now we can just be people?

It's not your turn.

[Jess] I would rule as queen. I would wear lots of jewelry, and have, like, beautiful snakes.

[Roma] Get it, girl.

That sounds good, I could do ancient Egypt, let's go.

No, your ass would be a servant, man, carrying around a cart on your shoulders, like... [groaning]

Oh, yeah, but I'd be, like, that big, beautiful brown servant, who rose through the ranks and became Pharaoh.

[Roma and Jess laughing]

You'd be Aladdin without the genie, my man.

A common street thief, right down there.

Oh, save me, Roma.

Okay, I'd go to Germany early 1900s.

I'd be Hitler's childhood art teacher.

What?

For real, listen.

He was supposed to be a really talented painter.

So, I feel like if he was just supported and nurtured and encouraged a little bit, things could've been different.

Yeah, maybe you can give him a little nickname, right?

[Steve] Yeah, like Dolphy.

Hey, nice finger painting, Dolphy.

-Babe. -Paintbrush!

[Steve laughing]

All right, you guys, you guys can laugh all you want, but I'm using my time machine to change history, what are you guys doing?

[Vincent] I'll tell you exactly what I'm doing.

I'm just biffing the shit out of this motherfucker and going back in time and betting on all the Superbowls and then I'm going to invent something crazy, like the jigsaw puzzle.

That's not crazy, why wouldn't you invent, like, the iPhone or something?

'Cause I don't know how to invent an iPhone, man.

A jigsaw puzzle's easy, just take a picture, cut it out...

Sell it to people. Jumanji. I'm rich.

Cleopatra has to use the loo.

Go use, darling.

Is it number one or number two?

-Gross. -[Steve] Bro...

I'm just saying, if it's number two it's also number one or maybe it's number three.

No, conversation stops now.

[Steve] Stop badgering the witness.

Jessica, you don't have to answer these questions.

No one knows what I'm talking about?

These are not lady questions, therefore, you do not ask us ladies.

Thank you.

And besides, wasn't this about you redeeming yourself, anyways.

You missed your best friend in Peter Pan jammy jam.

How many chances you get at that?

But, I totally pee too.

Pee-pee when I poo-poo.

Pee.

-What? what did I miss? -Nothing.

Ooh. Vincent, bro... You gotta show them the spaghetti...

-You gotta show them the spaghetti. -What?

Spaghetti, right now?

Yeah, you gotta see this, it's crazy, Spaghetti arms.

Are you ready?

[Steve laughs loudly]

It's like spaghetti.

-So floppy, Spaghetti arms. -[laughing]

Oh, I love this.

Hey, I'm glad you're here, all right?

Babe?

[Ozzie] Vincent.

Ozzie, what's going on man?

What's up?

Hey, you mind if I come in and grab a drink or something?

Yeah, I mean, I'm setting up.

You want to come in and hang out, that's fine.

Please.

Where you been?

I haven't seen you around.

[sighs] Been around.

I was... I was in here the other night.

Yeah? I must've...

I must've missed you. Were you with Steve and Roma?

Yep.

[dial tone]

[Steve] Ha-ha. You found me.

I'm probably in the midst of a wild encounter.

So, leave a detailed request and your boy will surely take care of you, peace.

What up? It's me, man.

Give me a call when you get off work.

Let's get a drink or something, fucking do it.

Well, I guess what I'm saying is that everything is elastic.

You know, like this trampoline.

Like when you're on the ground, you're down.

But when you're up, well, you never feel like you're going to hit the ground again, until, well, you do, you know?

Yeah, man, I feel you 100 percent.

-Whoo! Okay, whoa! -Yeah!

Hey, don't hurt yourself.

Seriously, stay sharp, man. I need you to stay sharp.

Hurt myself? Vincent!

I'm helping myself right now, man.

I am literally...

-Whoo! -I'm literally flying!

Whoa! Whoo!

And even if it wasn't for this trampoline, I am so damn high right now.

It's all because of you, baby.

No, honestly, it's so beautiful, man.

Look, you are a beautiful human being, she's a beautiful girl and I just love that you guys are together. It's great.

Such a good thing, man, finally.

Listen, I think she could be the one.

I mean, craziest part about it, man, is... it's not even just about who she is because, I mean, who she is incredible.

But it's also about where she came from.

Dude, she came from you.

My brother.

I mean, it makes perfect sense to me that you would be the one to bring her to me.

God, I love you, man.

Honestly, I'm just happy we can double date again.

Because I was getting tired of you third wheeling on us all the time.

You were just third wheeling. It's like, this ain't a menage.

Bitty ass tricycle.

Bitty ass tricycle.

Vincent.

Yes.

Scream with me.

[both scream]

Think of all the babies we're going to have, Vincent.

All of these little red balls are babies and I'm going to name one of them after you, little Vincent.

Honduran-Indian, Vince the Great.

-Vincent the Great! -Okay! That's great...

[chuckles] Watch yourself.

[Steve] I mean, to be honest, I was almost a little surprised you didn't go after her yourself.

Vincent.


Give me that necklace.

Oh, nice guy.

-'Sup, car lady? -Hey!

-How are you? -[laughs]

Good. You know, I was thinking seeing as you don't have your own car, I do have this hook up on this truck.

A truck? Is that what you think I should be driving?

'Cause I think I look pretty dope in that ice blue.

Yeah, but that's not your car, that's your girlfriend's.

Actually, that's my car, but, shh!

Let's just keep that between you and me, huh?

-Okay. -Can we do that?

We can do that, secret's safe.

I appreciate that.

You're welcome.

[chuckles] Whoa. Well, hi, skippity poo-pie!

Who is this little belle and a half?

-Ola. -Ola.

Roma, Steve. Steve, Roma.

We met at the car wash today.

Well, aren't you just a little mogwai?

Did you come from the Tropics?

[giggles]

Yes, actually, I come from the ancient rain forest in the deep jungles of Honduras.

-I've been there. -No.

Many times, 18 times to be exact.

I like to be exact, it's very important.

We must always be exact because to be exact is to be divine.

You two behave.

-[whispers] My gift to you. -[chuckles]

And I'll catch you all in a momentito.

Behave? What the fuck is that?

-Oh, I don't know, -[chuckles] behavior is something I choose not to acknowledge, I...

-it's very existence seems primitive. -Mmm-hmm.

I said that. Why? Is this your place?

No, my creation.

I do not live here, but I did create this wonderland of wondery.

And it's wonderful.

May I?

You may, show me.

-Yes, ma'am or senorita. -[Roma chuckles]

[people chattering]

Hey, pretty, nice to meet you. Love it.

[people chattering, cheering]

[cheering]

Hello, I'm going to... Oh, my God!

Both of you are really drunk.

I wasn't looking for you, but I found you!

Come here. I'm sorry, I won't enjoy. You enjoy, you stay here.

You just do that for the rest of your life.

-Never stop! Keep on going. -[Jess] Oh, my God. How did you guys meet today?

[Roma] I met him yesterday at the car wash.

[Jess] He's making friends everywhere.

We're in here. Someone's in here.

[screams]


-Knock, knock. -Who's there?

-Beware of dog. -Beware of--

-[screams] Whoo! -[giggling]

Who's got it? Does someone have a smoke?

I want to smoke right now.

This gentleman? Okay.

Um, excuse me, sir, would you happen to have a cigarette?

Oh, you're such a good man. I'm not gonna take your last one.

-No, I'm not gonna-- -Hey, hey, please.

Do you have a light as well?

Yeah. No problem.

Please.

Hold it.

Thank you for everything.

You are a gentleman, thank you so very much, good sir.

You get in there.

Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

-Guys! -Somebody's feeling good.

-Yes! -Look at this, bastard.

Guy, guys, Okay, guys, I need to ask you a question.

You know what's happening? it's question time.

Pregunta.

Pregunta.

-Pregunta. -Yes.

Um, how is a fall wedding for you?

-[gasps, laughs] -Is a fall wedding excellent?

I'm seeing a new theme, all white.

Yeah...

-Everyday! -Everyday!

No!

I'm being serious though, guys.

I've always wanted an exotic from the Tropics and she arrived, she's here.

-I think you better go grab her. -What?

Oh, hello.

What's going on here, guys, secret huddle?

You've been brought inside, are you cool with that?

I think so.

It is here, that you will be privy to the most private of information.

You better not say it too loud.

[shushing]

You guys, you guys, the president's listening.

He's gonna talk, he's gonna talk to you and you and you.

And tell you what you need, he's gonna tell you what you need.


[people chattering]


Hi. What's up, baby? Oh, started without me?

Couldn't order your boy one?

Mine.

Whoa, whoa.

You all right, man? What's going on?

Why are you looking at me like that?

Hold on for a second. Hey, Ozzie. Let me... Oh!

[Ozzie] Steve, I'm slammed, bro.

Okay. Sorry, man, What were you... you were going to say something.

Yeah? Maybe...

Any day now, man.

I slept with Roma.

[laughing]

[growls, laughing]

You're funny, dude.

Yeah, it's not a joke, man. We slept together.

Oh, did you? How'd you do it?

Did you get her from the front?

Did you flip her over and get her from behind?

Oh! Did she sit on your face?

[mockingly] Sleeping with Roma.

I'm sorry, man.

I think--

Yo.

Get the fuck off me.

I fucked up, all right.

I don't know how or why it happened. We didn't mean for it to go down.

No, don't! Don't you... Don't you fucking...

What were you thinking?

I wasn't thinking, all right?

-I wasn't fucking thinking. -Get the fuck away!

What are we cool now?

No, look, I can't ask you to feel anything.

Of course you're going to feel and be how you're going to be, but you gotta know man, you're the one who keeps me sharp, dawg.

You're my wingman, you are my fucking wing, all right?

I'd be no one without you. So...

Stop it! Shut your fucking mouth.

Shut your fucking mouth!

Okay, I need to ask you three questions and I need you to answer them immediately, okay?

How many times did this happen?

Once.

When?

Last night.

Do you love her?

[Steve] Answer to me. Answer.

I fucking love you.

No, Vincent, do you fucking love her?

I don't know! I don't know! I don't know.

[sobbing] God-damn you.

Scream with me, man.

Come on, fucking scream with me, man.

No. Don't fucking...

Don't run away, scream with me.

All right, we'll work out that other shit, come on.

Just fucking... Just scream with me.

Look me in my face like we fucking do and just do it, just scream with me, all right?

You don't get it.

[sobbing]

How did you... You destroyed me.

You destroyed me.

You did.

How could you do that to me?

I'm sorry, man.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.


[phone ringing]

[Vincent] Hello, Roma?

[Roma] Where are you?

Look, I just called to tell you what happened.

You didn't want to talk to me first?

I thought we were going to do this together.

Vincent, can't we just be in the same room and we can talk about this?

For what? All right. There's nothing else to talk about.

I think there's a lot to fucking talk about. Last night?

Where are you right now? Can you just come here or I'll meet you?

If you need me to say it, I will.

Please, please say something, say it.

I'm not that guy, I'm not that guy for you, all right?

That is not your decision to make, I get to say who the guy is for me.

I want you to be happy.

You want me to be happy?

I haven't been able to answer my phone all day or find you and now we're having this conversation like we're strangers.

And you want me to be happy?

Vincent! Hello?

What happened last night was a mistake.

I know you don't believe that.

You do not believe that.

You're right, okay? Because I just wanted to fuck you.

I don't want to be with you, I don't love you, I never did.

I guess you got what you wanted.

I see.

Look, I called out of courtesy to tell you what happened.

Vincent.

I made a mistake and I'm trying to correct it.

Vincent!

Take care of yourself, all right?

So just fuck me then?

[car engine revving]

Vincent? Vincent?


[Vincent] I always wondered if my mom was going to come clean.

But she never did.

And I watched what it did to her.

That's not happening to me.

Un, deux, trois, quatre... cinq, six...

sept, huit, neuf, dix.

Whoa-hoo!

-Hey. -Hey.

I just want to say, like, you know, in America, we usually come in from this way.

It's like a first come, first serve basis.

But it's cool, I'm a gentleman, so I just...

Nice to meet you.

Thank you, I'll try to remember that the next time I forget I'm in the states, silly me.

I do appreciate your gentlemanliness though, helping out the little lady.

Think nothing of it.

Except, I always thought here in America this shit would manifest as take what you want, first come, first serve doesn't really apply.

Manly man.

We have too many problems in America, you know.

Yeah, so many.

One being how dirty your cute little car is.

-Cute? -Yeah.

[chuckles]

It's my girlfriend's car.

I don't know, maybe you should get your own car?

What, are you a car dealer?

I'm just being a gentleman, washing my girlfriend's car.

Oh, okay. Mr. Nice Guy.

Thank you.

So you just galloped on in.

Actually, I drove it.

Welcome.

I just drove in.

I see.

So, what is there for fun to do around here?

-I know about a party tonight. -Yeah?

Yeah.

Can you, um, can you share this information?

Or is this some top secret spy shit?

I can share, you got a phone?

No, no phone.

Oh.

Well...

Yes, I have a phone.

Okay, everything you need is now in there.

Everything?

No, nothing else at all in the entire world, universe, galaxy, manifest, destiny, Louisiana Purchase be damned.

-Wow, that is everything, -It is.

Vincent.

You got a name?

Uh-huh.

-That's a nice necklace. -Mmm-hmm.

Thank you, nice guy. Don't try to steal it.

Don't be a menace out there, all right. Drive safe.

Roma.