French Kiss (1995) Script




Welcome to Air Canada nonstop service, Toronto to Paris.

Our flying time today is an estimated 7 hours, 20 minutes.

Please check that your seat belt is fastened and that your chair back is in the upright position.

We'll be taking off shortly.



Are you prepared to have a pleasant flight?


Tell me, Kate, what are you thinking about?

Twisted steel.

Ball of fire.

A naked baby screaming for his mother.

Kate, what happened to your little stone cottage?

Picture it now.



Ohh, my god!

And don't forget your takeoff mantra.

What are the words you chant softly in your head?

We're going down! We're going down!





I Love Paris ln the springtime I Love...

Hello? Hello? l really think you gave me the wrong mantra.

Oh? l don't love Paris, l don't like the French, and l don't want to go on this trip.


Oh...god, no!

Kate, you can do this. l can't do this! l don't belong on this airplane!

Let me out of here! l don't want to die!



Kate, your full refund.

Thank you.

You can get the money back on my ticket.

Money's not the issue, Kate. l wanted you to come with me to exper... What? ls that them? l don't want to see my family tonight.

You never do.

Have you noticed how, since we're engaged, they don't knock anymore?

They love you.

My family gives me an unsigned birthday card.

Kate, come with me. l'll give you 1 0 milligrams of valium, a shot of Stoli, and we'll be there before you know it.

How can you not want to go to Paris?

You're a history teacher.

Shame on you.

Charlie, the French, you know they hate us.

They smoke.

They have a whole relationship to dairy products, which l don't understand.

[MAN] Kate, something's wrong with the cable! ls the box set on three?

A week in Paris with the man you love?

Suture demonstrations.

Midnight strolls?

Medicare meetings.

The Eiffel Tower.

The Eiffel Tower... l'd love to see the Eiffel Tower.

O.K. Then.

Great. l'm not supposed to leave the country until my immigration interview. l'm taking that.

No, no. No, you're not.

Make something up.

Tell them your cousin Bridget fell in the Seine.

They'll find out l have no cousin Bridget and deport me.

Like the one time l smoked pot... l didn't want to, l had a horrible time, and Ronny Templeton's little brother called the police, and we got arrested.

The one time l ever did anything illegal.

Bure drops it in...

They put cheese on both pizzas.

Herb, this is you, you didn't check.

Take it back.

You know Kate hates cheese. l'll pick it off.

Here's a list of stuff l want.

Forget it. Kate's not going. l'm not going. Why not? ls it the French thing?

No, it's the flying thing. lt's not the French thing or the flying thing. l'm not supposed to travel until my Canadian citizenship clears.

[CHARLlE] Hon, we got to move it.

Oh, Kate, l almost forgot, the Merediths have put their house on the market.

Why are we looking at a house we can't afford?

Charlie, there's something l have to tell you.

Since l turned 21 , l've been putting money aside every week into a savings account, which l then rolled into high-yield term deposits with interest rates close to 14 %.

Wh-what are you talking about? l've made us a nest egg.

How many eggs?

45,782 eggs.

Why didn't you tell me this before? l wanted it to be a surprise. lt's a surprise. lt's a big surprise.

So, with a little help from your parents, we could probably afford this.

My whole life is passing before my eyes, and we don't even have children yet.




Come to Paris with me.



Hi. Right on time.

Saved me from the news.

Bonsoir, chérie.

Hey. Hi, how's it going?

Good. It's just one conference after another, but this city, it's amazing, Kate. lt's so beautiful, it just casts a spell.

How was dinner?

Mmm! They used this sauce, it had a taste l never experienced.

C'était incroyable!

The sauces have to be incroyables to cover up the horse meat. l saw this segment on 60 Minutes...

You keep watching all those shows, you'll never leave the house.



Hey. l can't talk. l'm with the guys at this hip club. l can't hear you.

Sweetie pie, we need to talk about the house. l promise you, tomorrow. l got to go, hon. Love you. Bye.


l talked to the broker and told her we are ready to make an offer as soon as l talk to Charlie.

You guys are crazy. l'm never buying a house or anything else worth anything.

Why not?

Because you think you own something like that, when, really, it winds up owning you. lt becomes your life, and then one night, someone leaves their cigarette, and it all burns.


Honey, hello?

Kate? Kate?

Yeah, it's me, Charlie.

Are you all right? ls something wrong?

No... Yeah... Something's happened.

What? Wh-what's wrong?

Oh, Kate... Kate, l'm just... l'm just so happy, you know? l'm just so happy and so...

Fucked up. l fucked up, definitely.

Uh, but it's destiny, Kate.

That's what it is.

Wha-what are you saying? What's destiny?

Destiny... Oh, Kate. Well, l met this woman, this apparition, this goddesse.


It's French for "goddess," and so is she. She's French. l've never, ever felt this way before.

I feeI I couId do anything. l could rule the world, climb the highest mountain. l could walk into a men's room and pee, even with some big guy waiting behind me.

Wha-what? What are you saying?

Charlie, are you, uh...

Kate, l'm not coming back.

I'm in love... Kate.

Love, like in a sonnet

216 00:09:31,321 --> 00:09:34,448 Or like a...

Like love.

l'm sorry, Kate. l'm so sorry.


WeIcome to Air Canada nonstop service, Toronto to Paris.

Our fIying time today is an estimated 7 hours, 20 minutes.

PIease make sure that your seat belt is fastened and your chair back is in the upright position.

We'll be taking off shortly.

We hope you have a pleasant flight.


Je veux simplement voir votre carte d'embarquement.

232 00:10:25,542 --> 00:10:27,376

Ahh! VoiIà! Ma carte.

Vous êtes contente?

Oh, merde!

Vous avez Ia 33-B.

Un petit peu plus loin.

Au miIieu?


Tenez, monsieur.


I Hate Paris ln the springtime I Hate Paris In the faII I Hate Paris In The Summer When it sizzIes I Hate Paris In The Winter When it drizzIes I Hate Paris Oh, Why, Oh, Why Do I hate Paris?

Because My Love Is there With His SIut girIfriend

This is my first time flying. l'm just kind of nervous.

First time.

Do you speak any English?

Didn't your mother ever teach you about staring?

What do you think, the plane will crash and we are on the ground in a thousand pieces dead? l promise you, if it happens, you won't feel a thing.

You're French, aren't you?

Luc Teyssier.

How have you got around your whole life?

Or do you just stay in your house with the doors locked? l get around as nature intended, 269 00:11:55,423 --> 00:11:56,965 Nous rappelons à nos voyageurs que l'usage d'appareils électroniques est interdit durant le décollage de l'appareil.

What was that?

What did she say?

That sounded serious.

The pilot says there is a crack in the engine, but he take off anyway.

Ladies and gentlemen, please remember that the use of cellular phones and other eIectronic devices is forbidden during takeoff.

l don't know what they taught you in France, but rude and interesting are not the same thing.

Ohh! God!



We hope you enjoy the flight.

O.K., OK., O.K...

O.K., OK...

[PlLOT] Folks, we're third in line for takeoff, so just relax.

We shouId be in the air in just a couple of minutes. l've almost got the stone cottage going.

Could you please stop looking at me? ls incredible.

What? What?

Your every muscle in your body is tense, even the lids of your eyes.

Your nostrils are... Are closing up.

How do you do that?

Me, l love to fly, especially this moment, the plane getting ready to charge the runway, the engines screaming, the pressure building, the force of it slams you back in the seat, and then, whoosh, you are in the air.

Everything else is behind you.

There's only one other place in life where l feel this kind of exhilaration.

Oh, yeah? Where's that?

Oh, no, no, no. Don't tell me.

Just let me guess.

Flight attendants, prepare for takeoff.

Oh, god. l don't think l can do this.


Did you ever think that maybe it is not the airplane?

What's not the airplane?

That maybe it is something else you are afraid of.


Must l say it?

Can l stop you? lt is obvious to me. l know your type.

What type is that?

You're afraid to really live.

Oh, god.

You are afraid of life.

You are afraid of love.

You are afraid of sex.

That is ridiculous. l can tell from your face and how you dress with your little white buttons all the way up to here. ln bed, you are waiting under the covers, the light is going off, and then, like a rabbit...


What is the matter with you?

You don't know me. l know that you are afraid...

You don't know what l do, and Charlie never complained.

Stop that.

There were a few months where l didn't feel like it.

That was a long time ago, and l was in between teaching jobs. Yes.

For you to sit there with that smug expression and tell me that l have a problem with my life and my Charlie

356 00:15:09,158 --> 00:15:10,867 [ENGlNE ROARlNG]

You're just some nicotine-saturated and, sorry to say, hygiene-deficient Frenchman!

Ah. Look...

What a fantastic view, huh?


Now, if you will excuse me, l must go do as nature intended.

Pardon, monsieur.


Sir, l'm sorry, there's no smoking on this plane.

OK, then can l have two glasses with ice?

Excuse me. Can l ask you something? l-it's Luke, isn't it?


No, not Luc... Luc.


You want to ask me something, or no?

No. Forget it. l forget already.

Did you mean all that stuff you said, or were you just trying to anger me?

Do l look like the kind of person that doesn't know how to have a good time?

Uh, you were how old when you lost it? lt? What it?

You know, it. Your, uh, flower.

My flower, oh.

My flower is none of your business. l ask you because some people, they rush toward the fateful moment, their bodies bursting to discover.

Others, they guard it like some precious gift, and they wait and wait.

You, l suppose, rushed.

Like a bull. l have a clear picture in my mind.

A young bull.

How young?

1 3.

1 3?

No, you are right. l was 1 2. Magda.

She was a putain...

A, uh...prostitute.

She lived just outside of my town, just by a little bridge.

She was, uh... Not beautiful, but she had this mouth.

Oh, there was another world waiting there.

But l did not have the money for the kissing.

Only for the, uh... You know. l don't understand.

To kiss a prostitute, it costs more. lt has always been.

Oh, well, that makes sense.

A kiss is so... So intimate.

You could probably disconnect from everything else, but a kiss...

Two people's lips together, and their breath, a little bit of their souls...

A-all l mean is that a kiss is where the romance is.

Oui. That is what l thought back then, so l stole 50 francs from my brother Antoine, and l went back, and l kissed Magda for half an hour. lt was very good.

Now you.

Now me what? lt is your turn. l tell you, now you tell me. l am all ears.

All right. Yeah, uh...

No, l didn't... l, uh... l didn't rush, you were right, but l didn't hide from it, either. l wanted it to be great. l was, uh... 1 8.

Jeff the jock.

My basement. Valentine's day.

Jeopardy! ln the background. lt's a game show on TV.

Mm-hmm. Jeopardy! We have it.

Jeff said it would last longer with the show on to distract him.

He got all the answers wrong except for sports.

By double Jeopardy!, he was done.

By final Jeopardy!, he was on his way home, so...

Yeah, the first time was bad, but since then, it's been mainly good, and then l found somebody special, so it was great.

Could l ask you something?

Do you believe in love, the kind that lasts forever?

l loved my mother.

No. Everybody loves their mother, even people who hate their mothers. ls one man meant for one woman?

That is the question. lt is not an interesting question. lt is the question of a little girl who believes in fairy tales. lt's an everyone question, one that everybody thinks they have the answer to, until, one day, something happens.

Something happened?

Look, l understand. l understand.

One love for you would be like having to eat home for the rest of your life...

And you probably like to go out to a different restaurant every chance you get.


Careful, now.

What's that? lt is nothing.

Are you hiding something? l have to go.

Pardonnez-moi. l have to go again.




Tu vas bien?

VoiIà. Bonsoir.

Ah, bon.



Why'd you let me drink so much?

Me? l did not let you do anything.

You did it yourself.

And l will give you a ride into Paris, OK.? lt will save you a lot of money, believe me.

After what we have been through together...

Where are you staying?

George V.


"Nothing to declare." That is you.

Me, they're going to stop.

They always do. l meet you outside, one minute maximum.


S'iI vous plaît?


Your passport and plane ticket.


Would you open your bag?

Wait for me.

That won't be necessary.

What are you doing here?

Don't you think a cop gets a vacation?

Give him back his papers.

Look...there's Louise.

l need a taxi to the George V in Paris.

[SPEAKlNG FRENCH] l'll call you Monday. We'll have a drink.

Why wait till Monday? l've got something...

Never mind...let's go.


Papa, why are you looking through the man's things?

The same reason l look through your room when you're asleep.

To protect my loved ones from themselves.

You won't find anything in there.

Are you really a thief?


Daddy says you saved his life. lt's true. You see this little scar?

Luc stopped it from going all the way over here.

He's no criminal. That's what l keep telling him.

To the left, Louise.

Oui, madame?

Yes, uh, bonjour.

Uh, do you speak any English?

Of course. This is the George V, not some backpacker's hovel.


Of course not.

Could you tell me which room Charlie Lytton is staying in, please?

Dr. Charles Lytton. He's expecting me. l'm afraid no.


No, madame.

Perhaps madame could try the courtesy phone.

Well, madame has tried the courtesy phone.

Do not disturb.


Look, l just spent seven hours on an airplane

555 00:25:08,924 --> 00:25:10,842 l'm tired, and l'm hungry,

and l just want to see my fiancé.

Now, are you going to help me? lt is my duty to vigorously safeguard the privacy of our guests, and if our guests need safeguarding from their own fiancées, well, after all, unlike some countries, France is not a nation of puritanical hypocrites.


Hey, hey, hey. l just gave you 1 00 francs.

Oui, madame, and l took it. Merci. lf there is anything else l can do, please let me know.

Bonjour, mademoiselle.

You are American, no?

For the moment.

Well, forgive me for intruding, but l saw you sitting here, looking a little sad.

Why should such a beautiful woman look so sad, l asked myself.

Have you got an hour?

As a matter of fact, always.

Let me help you to forget your sadness.

Remember you are in Paris, City of Love.

Can l ask you something?

Of course.

Can you urinate with someone standing right behind you?

l think l could manage it.

Are you going to be the someone?

Me? No. That's not what l meant.


You would like that l arrange for someone else to stand next to me? lt could be arranged.

Perhaps Pierre, Monique...

You have the face of an angel, but l'm delighted to find the mind is a little devil.

Hey, hey, look, Mister, this will get you nowhere. l'm waiting to meet my fiancé. lf he sees you bothering me, even talking to me, he'll walk right over here...



What are you doing here? You only work the metro.

No more. With this suit, l'm a new man.




Hey, you said you'd give me a ride.

You said... Where are we?

Your hotel. l take you to your room. l don't have a room.

Someone has taken my room, someone in 4-inch heels, a red dress...


Oh, my god.

My bags.


My bags are gone.

What? They can't be gone.

How can they?

Why look under there? l didn't lose my keys. l lost my suitcase!

Wh-where did you put them down? l fainted right there.

Oh, my money, my passport, my vitamins...

May l be of service?

Où sont ses baggages?

Monsieur, je ne sais pas ce qui s'est passé.

Vous me dites que les baggages de madame...

You tell him!

How could you let this happen?

What is your problem?

They're my bags!

Uh, l am upset because it is my country and this is a scandal.

Do you remember anything? l was sitting here, then that guy came and talked to me...

Then l saw Charlie.

Oh, here we go again.

Here. Sit, sit, sit.

Breathe in... Breathe out...

Breathe in... l'm breathing!

You know, all men are bastards.

Well, some are just trying to help. l never thought l'd say this, but it's true.

All men are bastards.

The guy talking to you, -he was... -A bastard.

A Euro-trash-in-Armani bastard.

He wore a black suit with a yellow shirt?


You know him? Come.

Of course.

All you bastards know each other.


All right, all right.

Uh, you wait here, l go get the... My car, and we go get your stuff, OK.?



Ah, la chienne.


So who's this guy who stole my bags?

Er... Bub.


No, Bub.

Bub, like, uh...

Bub Dylan.

Oh. Bob.

Oui. Bahhb.

Now, why are you helping me?

Why? Er...

Because, uh, l like you. l do...

But l don't like how you say on the plane with your face all scrunched up, "You're French, aren't you?" l don't like how you say with your eyes all squinty, "All men are bastards."



Allons-y! Allons-y!

Allez, allez!


Please don't break the car, OK.?



O.K., so l try to understand.

He says he has met this, uh, woman, no, no. This goddess.

Uh, he breaks your heart.

He, uh... Uh, uh...

Hurts me.

Humbles me.

Humiliates you.

Humiliates me.

So you come here to Paris so he can do it again, but this time, in your face.




No, no. l come to Paris to get back the man that l love. ls that so hard to understand, even for someone like yourself?

O.K., and meanwhile, his lover is...

Don't ever use that word again.

Uh, this bastard woman, she is feeling something else, uh, maybe, uh...

Once he saw me, myself, moi, everything would change. The spell would be broken.


What, you don't think l could change his mind? l would remind him we had a wonderful, perfect life together.

Evidently. l've never been so happy.

When someone says that, my ass begins to twitch.

And we had plans for a home and family. l'd remind him of that, too.

He was obviously very attached to them. lf all else failed...

You'd get down on your knees and beg? lt's possible. l can see it, there is the goddess standing next to Charlie in her negligee, and you are on your knees, begging.

Poor Charlie.

Tough decision.

AIors! l didn't beg.

No. You fainted.

Ah, laisse tomber.

Hey, Luc-a-doo!

Alors, ça marche?

Oui. l see how far you'd go for the love of your life. lf you know so much, how come no one greeted you at the airport?

Please. l'm finished with women, OK.?

Haven't found the right one? l have found plenty, believe me.

Oh. Afraid of commitment. l'm afraid of nothing. l know your problem, no staying power.


You can't stick it out.

What? lt's obvious. lt is?

You are afraid of commitment.

Commitment! Oh, OK., sorry. l thought you meant, uh...

What did you think?

Nothing. lt's OK.

Ohh, this problem. lt's not a problem!

For you, Luc?

Every man goes through that.

Charlie never did, but, you know, it's usually an issue of self-esteem. lt's just a recent phenomenon, OK.? l've been under a lot of pressure recently.

Soon it will all be over, and then zip, boom, bonjour, l'm back in business, OK.?


Bob, great to see you.

Hi, Luc.

You've met my friend Kate?

Hello again.

Where's the rest?


Wh-what about my money and my passport?

Uh, j'ai...

He sold the passport. First thing to go.

Oh! What about my suitcase and my clothes?

Ask him about my vitamins.

Her clothes? l gave them to Monique.


What? What? What did he say?

Uh, he threw them away.

Oh, god!

Oh, man!




What? No. No, thank you.

You got rid of everything?

Except for that...

Ma petite...

Ça va?


Papa, il est là.


Oui, oui, oui, ça va, ça va.

Tout va mieux.

You hid a plant in my bag?

Not just a plant. A vine.

That's why you're helping me.

You don't give a shit about me. l'm sorry you lost your stuff, but it was not me who stole it.

What if l had gotten stopped at customs?

What would've happened then?

Don't be ridiculous.

People like you they don't stop.

Why do you think l choose you?

You'd declare a pack of chewing gum.

Please, don't ever, ever...

Never touch my vine.

You don't understand. This...

This is my future. l'm going to make a great vineyard, and l'm going to escape this shit hole.

Donnez-moi un break.

You can't make a vineyard out of one vine.

No. Not one vine. l take this little American vine, l mix it with others, then l make something new. l don't care. l don't care.

Why listen to you? lt's bullshit.

Everything with you is bullshit.

O.K., fine.

Go home.

Find a nice little boy you can boss around.

Only don't let him out of your sight.

How do l do that? l have no money, no ticket, no passport...

Here. Take this. Please. l don't want your money. lt's what he got for your stuff. l don't want your money.

Now go away.

Stop following me.

O.K. Au revoir.

Bonne chance.


What necklace? l didn't see any necklace! lt must still be in her bag! ln her bag?



It's WonderfuI It's wonderfuI It's WonderfuI Good Luck, My Baby


It's WonderfuI It's wonderfuI I Dream Of You Chips, chips Doo-doo Doo-doo Doo She-boom, She-boom Boom Doo-doo Doo-doo Doo


It's WonderfuI It's wonderfuI It's WonderfuI Good Luck, My Baby It's WonderfuI It's wonderfuI It's WonderfuI I Dream Of You Chips, Chips Doo-doo Doo-doo Doo She-boom, She-boom Boom You are currently a resident of Canada in the process of applying for Canadian citizenship?

My fiancé is Canadian.

Let me ask you something.

You no longer want to be an American, but you expect me to give you a new passport? ls this a trick question? l'll need a copy of your Canadian resident visa before l can process your application.



How it works is, l ask you a question, and you comment.

You weren't supposed to leave Canada, eh?

Yeah, l know that, but an emergency situation arose, and l needed to...

What are you writing down?

Why didn't you request permission to leave for your emergency?

Well, l should have, l realize.

But an emergency, by definition, doesn't give you the time.

See, the thing is, sir, l want to be a Canadian more than anything. l want to be just like you.

Believe me. l just want to go home.

What's that?



Have you...

Ever been convicted...

Of a felony?




O.K., l was at Ronny Templeton's house, and somebody handed me...

All right, it wasn't a cigarette, peer pressure.

Peer pressure's a terrible thing when you're a girl in college.

Thing is, we just received this from a Sergeant Patton at the American Embassy. lt says you were once convicted for possession of a narcotic.

ls marijuana really a narcotic? l mean, it was just the one time, and l didn't even enjoy it. l inhaled, but then l was coughing and hacking away for 1 0 minutes. l hate that.

You do?

Well, the point is is that you didn't include this information in your application for Canadian citizenship, paragraph 5, article 1 ?


Here's where l tell you that your request for a new residence visa has been denied.


[LlLLY] Yeah. He proposed to her.

He's such an asshoIe. l just can't believe it.

Do I have to be friends with JuIiette?


Lilly, now, stop it, all right?

He's not going to marry her.

Now, tell me everything you know.

They're going somewhere in the south of France to meet her parents, then they're getting married.

We're not even invited. Not that l'd go...

Lilly, now, listen, O.K.?

This is very important. Very important.

You have to tell me exactly where they're going and when, all right?

Now, just--just ask mom.

She has it all written down probably.


You still supposed to call her mom?




Kate? ls that you, sweetheart? l've got all the information written down, but l think you can still get him at the hoteI in Paris.


My god, she's crying. lt's OK. l'm not crying. l'm just, um... l'm just, uh... l'm going to get him back, mom. l'm going to get him back, and l'm going to make him love me, and we're going to live happily ever after.

And l'm just crying now in, uh...


Because l know... l know l will, uh... l will triumph.


What do they call the beaches?

La cote d'azur.

What does it mean?

The blue coast.

The blue coast, lying there next to you.

Mmm, and we're going to land in Nice.



That's nice.


Ha ha ha ha.


Bob, you know how it works. lf the little fish is to survive, he must tell the fisherman...

...where the big fish are.

Forget it, l'm no rat.

You're mixing your metaphors.

Who buys the passports?

Hi there. C'est moi.

Welcome back, madame, to the George V. lt's incredible how you do that.

The words come out "welcome back," but the meaning is completely different. ls that a French thing or a concierge thing?

As madame wishes.

You did it again.

Tell me something, because l--l just don't get it.

Do you enjoy being that rude?

Because when you do that, it just gets underneath my skin, and it makes me completely insane!


Thank you, madame, for the fascinating lesson in our cultural differences. l'm sure it would not betray my duty now to inform you that your fiancé and his friend are no longer our guests.

Well, whose guests would they be now?

The Carlton Hotel will have that happy privilege when they arrive in Cannes tomorrow.

Perhaps madame wishes to catch the last train tonight. l could arrange for a taxi very quickly.

Yes, thank you.


Bob, l'm losing patience.

A big fish just returned from the United States.

Luc Teyssier...your friend, right?

Ask him about a stolen necklace.

He won't be hard to find.

Take a look.

You're welcome.


l come to make peace with your people.

So you're, uh, still after Charlie? lt is incredible. l admire your persistence. lt's so American. l am not an American. l'm a soon-to-be ex-American Canadian.

Uh, may l help you with your bag?

No, maybe not. l am feeling some very strange emotions for me.

Guilt. Remorse.

My self-esteem is rock bottom.

What can l do to say l'm sorry?

Shut up!

You haven't spent 60 seconds with me when you weren't after something.

What's it this time, buy, sell, or trade?

True, l used you a lot.

You helped me to get my vine, and l left you with nothing.

What can l do to make it up to you?

Now l'm here for you.


Who put this here?

So l asked myself what l can possibly do to make it up to you, so l buy this ticket, and voila, here l am...

Shh! Quiet.

Oh. You come, you go, you promise one thing, you do something else.

Why should l believe you?

Because l have no reason to lie now.

Do l look like the kind...

You look like the kind who steals airplane liquor bottles, who offers a girl a ride, then has to steal a car in order to give it to her, the kind who puts a plant in a person's bag.

This is a no-smoking compartment.

O.K., l stop. Voila. For you.

See, l'm changing, l'm growing.

We help each other. l don't need your help.

Do you have a plan for when you see Charlie?

Still no?

You're going into a battle, you have no strategy, no armor, no bullshit? l don't need bullshit to get Charlie back.

Just a little. lt might be handy.

For me, bullshit is like breathing. l stay. l help you. l promise, OK.?

Do what you want. lt's a free country. lsn't it?

Well, oui.

ls--is that Charlie?


Can l, uh...

How did you meet?

At a party. l'd just come to Toronto on a teaching exchange.

We started talking, and l had this feeling about him. lt wasn't exactly a thunderclap or a lightning bolt. lt was more like a...

Light drizzle?

You really, honestly, never had that feeling about anybody in your whole entire life? lf l did, l would not admit it.

His chin looks a little weak, if you ask me. lt doesn't, and l didn't.

Why wouldn't you admit that feeling?

Why? Look where it's got you.

Maybe if you did, you wouldn't have that little problem. lt's not a problem. lt's just a temporary...

There's something in his eyes.

Vain, it is a word, no? lt is a word. He has beautiful eyes.

And he knows it.

You can see it in his smile.

Not even a smile. A smirk. ls a word?

Shut up. ls it a word?

Two words, no?

Why are you chasing after him after what he's done?

Because l love him, and l'm afraid if he doesn't come back that l'll... lt'll hurt so much that l'll shrivel up and never be able to love ever again.

You say that now, but after a time, you would forget.

First, you would forget his chin, and then, uh, his nose, and after a while, you would struggle to remember the exact color of his eyes.

One day you wake up, and, pfft, he's gone, his voice, his smell, uh, his face...

He will have left you.

And then you can begin again.




Hey! l can't seem to get enough of this cheese, and l haven't eaten this stuff in years.

You don't look like you got much sleep.

Un café.

For some reason, l just feel incredibly refreshed. l had this dream, which l can't remember really.

You know when you have a dream that is just delicious and you wake up and you feel all transformed?

God, it's beautiful here.


Did you know that there are 452 official government cheeses in this country?

Don't you think that's incredible, to come up with 452 ways of classifying what is basically a bacterial process?

You would prefer one cheese, one cheeseburger to put it on, and one restaurant to eat it in? l'm saying l like the cheese.


What side of the train did you wake up on?

God, it's beautiful here!

What? What's that face?

You don't think it's beautiful?

You don't think this is beautiful?


What? l was born here.


But this is so beautiful and so charming.

Ah, oui. lt was too beautiful for me, l had to leave.

Oh, god.

Oh, god!

[BURPS] What? l'm going to die.

What, what, the cheese?

Don't say it. Stop that rocking.

Stop the rocking. l can't. lt is the train. lt's here.

The mucus is here.

The mucus?

The mucus coating the intestinal wall.



No, no, no.

Look at the scenery, the cows...

Oh, please, not the cows.

Not the cows? l just ate that cow.

There it is.

Here we go.

Lactose... lntolerance!


Jacques Taranne?

Non. l know you...

Phillipe Cazal?


Michel Desbordes?

Listen, gramps, you don't know me.

Leave me alone, OK?


You are feeling better now, huh?


The cow is all gone?

When's the next train?

Not for two more hours.


l think l need to walk.

No, no, no. Bad idea.

Sit. We wait for the train.

Got to walk.



Luc Teyssier! That's it!

My stomach is so sensitive.

That's where l put all my stress.



Gorgeous. Wish you were here.

Wow! How long since you've been back?

Uh, about six years.

Six years? ls your family a nightmare or something? l don't really want to talk about it, OK.?

A healthy person is someone who expresses what they're feeling inside.

Express, not repress.

You must be one of the healthiest people in the world.

You know what happens to people who shut everybody out?

They lead, uh, quiet, peaceful lives?

No, they fester.

Fester? l am festering? lnside.

Fester and rot. l've seen it happen.

You'll become one of those hunchbacked, lonely old men sitting in the corner of a crowded cafe mumbling to yourself.

[FRENCH ACCENT] My ass is twitching.

You people make my ass twitch.



Excuse me.

Qu'est-ce que tu fais ici?


Attends, attends.

Attends quoi?





Who is that?

Uh, it's my brother.

Your brother?

My brother Antoine.

Antoine, this is Kate.

C'est fini. Au revoir.

What's happening?

All of this vineyard is Antoine's. lt has been in our family for three generations. lt is who we are, what we do.

But for Antoine, l don't know, he is always sober.

That's a bad thing?

He makes the wine but never drinks it.

You always drink it.

Now, why isn't part of this yours?


My father, uh, when he retired, he left it, uh, to Antoine and me.

Uh, but now it is all Antoine's. l don't get it.

Mmm, to make a great wine, you must have the soul of a gambler.

You like to drink, and you like to gamble.

Sometimes l would lose a lot.

Sometimes l would lose to Antoine...

My dog, my first car.

This vineyard.

Uh, oui, this vineyard, uh... lt was, uh... One night, he got me, uh, very drunk.

You must understand, l owed him a lot of money.

He knew what he was doing.

What was he doing?

Uh, l lost all of it, one hand of poker.

Ha ha ha ha.

You lost your birthright in one hand of poker? l'm an asshole. What can l tell you?

Uh-huh. So that's why he hates you and you hate him.

Ah, oui.

That, and l, uh, ha ha, slept with his wife.

What about your parents and the rest of your family?

Uh, no, there is nothing between us. lt is all over, finished.

What if you tried again?

No, it's not possible.

They hate me, they despise me, they...

Eh, Luc revient!

C'est toi, fils.



Yes, thank you. All right, come on.

[SPEAKlNG FRENCH] l'm very impressed.

She's a friend, just a friend.

Since when are women just your friends?

Since l met her.

[SPEAKlNG FRENCH] l'm finished.

Fester, fester, fester.

Rot, rot, rot.

Poor you.

You had to grow up here.

Show me your room.



Ha ha.

What's this?

Uh, it is a project l did a long time ago in school.

What is it?

All right, l will tell you, but, um...

First you must take some wine.

Can you, uh, uh, describe it, the taste? lt's a nice red wine. l think you can do better.

A bold wine with a hint of sophistication and lacking in pretension.

Actually, l was just talking about myself. l--l don't know.

No, no, you are not wrong.

Wine is like people.

The vine takes all the influences in life all around it. lt absorbs them, and it, uh, gets its, uh, personality.




Some kind of mushroom?

Very good.

Currant, cassis, mint, lavender, they're all in the ground here and in the air.

Now, taste the wine again.

Close your eyes.

Hmm. The currant... l can taste that right away, and, uh, from the brown bottle, lavender?


And you made this box?

Ah, oui.



Oh! Whose house is that? lt's abandoned.

No one comes here anymore.

The guy who had this place, he gave up a long time ago.


See this, uh, earth? lt's been resting.

Now it's good.

Someday, l, uh, l'm going to buy this land. l'm going to make a great wine, right here on this wreck of a vineyard.

So you'd risk everything for this?


Do anything to have it?


Get down on your knees and beg?


Then what makes you so different from me?

Admit it.

Not much.

O.K., l admit.


Mmm! lt's beautiful here.

l will help you get your Charlie back. lf you want him back, we'll get him back, like l promised.





Tu reves.


Tell me something, Luc, how do you plan to buy that vineyard?

You must have a plan, some strategy.

Oui, l had a plan, but it did not work out. lt didn't work out?

What was the plan? l, uh, had something to sell.

Something? Like what?

Stocks, bonds, a little bag of plutonium? lt doesn't matter. l lost it.

You lost it? lf it was me, l'd have some kind of backup plan, something more than just bullshit to fall back on.

Something, perhaps, maybe a little bit...

Like this?


Luc, are you coming?

Lesson number one, before going into a war, you must choose carefully the field of battle.

Also, never let Charlie see how much you desire him.

Never tell someone that you want them.

You see that?

What's that, that pout?

Juliette did that. l remember that perfectly.

The pout is the French women's greatest weapon.

What's so great about that? lt's provocative. lt puts the man in a constant state of excitement and anxiety.

She can say "yes" when she means "no"

And vice versa. Do you understand?


You don't?


Now, most important, when Charlie sees you, he will be expecting a big scene, a drama.

You will not give him the satisfaction.

This will make him immediately intrigued.

Luc, Luc.


Look what l found. lt made me think of you.



M. Antoinne Teyssier.


How will you be paying, sir?

When would you like to have the wedding?

Next weekend.

Next weekend?

Ha ha ha.

ls there something wrong, Charlie?

No. No, l... l swear l just saw Kate. l'm sure it's just your imagination.

ll y a quelque chose qui ne va pas?

Non, tout va bien. ¡A va.

Tell me, what does your father do?

Well, he's a doctor...


Except he's a psychiatrist.

l'll be right back.

Please, Charlie, sit down.

Uh, excusez-moi.



Mais qu'est-ce que tu fais, Charlie?

My parents are watching. l'm sure l just saw Kate.

Mais non. Arrete.

Come with me now.

You really don't understand me.

How can l help you win back this ridiculous man if you act like a clown? lt was an accident, OK.? l wasn't expecting to see him right then.

Sucking up to her parents... ln that outfit.

Ugh! And did you see her, huh?

Cutting her food into tiny, little chewable pieces like that.

Oui, l saw her.

She was, uh...

She was what?

Well, she was, uh...

Ah. O.K., l know what you're saying. l'm not sexy enough.

No, l did not say anything. l'm supposed to be this pouty little girl who says "yes" for "no" and "no" for "yes." l cannot do it, OK.?

Happy, smile. Sad, frown.

Use the corresponding face for the corresponding emotion.

But you?

No, you want a mysterious, sexy, manipulative... lt is not me. l don't want it.

What do you want? l want you! l want you...

You want me...

Uh, l want you to...


Make Charlie suffer...

To be tempted. l want you to make him feel like even though you are right there in front of him, he can't have you.

That's all.




Do you, uh...


Do you think l still have a chance with Charlie after what happened earlier?

Yes, of course.

And, um, tomorrow, we will turn your mistake to our advantage.

We wiII?

Oui, because he will still be wondering, did he see you?

You wiII be like a ghost, a phantom.

And it will infect them, their rapport.

Well, when do l confront him?

Just when they are starting to look comfortable again.


Then you attack.

-Hi. -Kate!


Oh, can l sit with you guys?

But of course. Please have a seat.



Pay no attention to me.


You must be Juliette.

Yes, l'm Juliette.

Let me take a good look at the woman who stole my Charlie's heart.

Nothing that did not want to be stolen.

Ooh... Ouch.

She's smart, Charlie.

And beautiful and probably great at everything.

Look, Kate...

Charlie, relax. l didn't come here for a fight.

Hello, waiter.

-Madame. -Hi. l don't speak much French.

A sea breeze. Does that translate?

Un sea breeze. Bien, madame.

French waiters, if you're nice, they treat you like shit.

Treat them like shit, they love you.

Juliette, s'il vous plait, Ies carottes?




Nothing. You just seem so different.

Well, Charlie... l'm going through some sort of transitional thing.

After you called, l decided to get to Paris and get you back. l hate to fly. Never fly, right, Charlie?

But l told myself no way would everything l've been building toward be destroyed because some pouty little...

And this is before l knew you personally.

...bitch wanted to steal herself a husband.

So l bought the ticket, boarded the plane, somehow made it over the ocean, and then the most extraordinary thing happened.


Everything went wrong.

So l was wandering the streets of Paris, penniless, without a hope in the world.

And, let me tell you, you can do a lot of soul-searching in a time like that. l realized that l've spent most of my adult life trying to protect myself from exactly this situation.

You can't do it.

There's no home safe enough, no relationship secure enough.

You're just setting yourself up for an even bigger fall and having an incredibly boring time in the process.

Sorry, Charlie.


Thank you.

That's when l took up with Luc.




There he is.

Luc! Come on over. l want you to meet some great people.


Luc, the lovely Juliette.



Charlie, Luc.


Sweetie pie...


[GASPS] Ohh, la la la la la.


Maintenant je comprends tout.

What did he just say? l don't know.

He doesn't speak much English, but we seem to manage just fine.

Yeah? Yeah. l think it's that transitional thing, to help me get over us.

That's probably it, but... What the hell?

[SPEAKlNG FRENCH] l love the sea, so beautiful... so mysterious... so... full of fish.

What does he do?

Besides what we do together? l don't think he does anything at all.



That was so great!

Hi there.

You were fantastic... lncredible.

They were completely destroyed.

Oh, that was amazing! l just feel released!

Now, tonight, you will have dinner with Charlie, pretending to, uh...

Work out the details of the breakup.

By tomorrow, l promise you, you will be queen of the castle again.

We must celebrate.

Some wine, champagne.

Ah. Don't move.


A beautiful day to be in Cannes... lsn't it, Kate? l'm sorry. Do we know each other?

No, but we have a mutual acquaintance, Luc Teyssier.

That's why l come talk to you about a necklace.


Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

The necklace.

He was silly, and he didn't declare it.

Will it be a large penalty he'll have to pay?

So why don't you just arrest him? l'm old-fashioned. l owe him a large debt much bigger than the debt of money.

So l ask you to talk to him. lt can be returned to me tomorrow, anonymously.

He'll never agree.

He must.

Call me tomorrow. lt really is a beautiful day. l hope you're able to enjoy it.

This is where l will sell my necklace tomorrow.

Your necklace.

Oui, my necklace. lt was, uh, my grandmother's necklace.

She lived in San Francisco.

When she died, she left it to me.

O.K., sure. Why not?



What if l sell the necklace?

You? What do you mean? Why?

Why? Because l am me, and you are...

You. l mean, if l go into Cartier...

All dressed up, looking just so, smiling your little smile, walking your little walk.

That would be better.

Thank you.

What do you mean, my little walk?

Oh, just the way you walk, you know? lt's like a woman and a little girl.

No, it's not.

You want something to drink?

O.K. Great. l'll be out in a second.


Bought it at the store downstairs.

You look wonderful.

Was it expensive?


You charged it to the room?


Good. No problem. l only wish my brother could see you. lt only needs one thing.

You will wear this tonight. l don't think that's such a good idea.

Oh, no, l insist. lt will be your charm...

Your good luck charm.

Baisse Mon Coeur D'une Longeur Mon Automne

Who is the goddess now?


We practice. l will be Charlie.


l'll be Kate.


So we are dancing. l realize how much l need you. l am thinking, l am an idiot, a fool, a chinless, mindless...

OK., O.K. l get the idea.

O.K. So we are dancing.

Mm-hmm. lt feels...

So right.

Now, what do you say to me? l don't know anymore.

You don't? l don't know when to stop pretending. l mean, when do l tell him that...

That you love only him...

And still you want him.

You will know the moment.

You will tell him, and that will be that.

You know what l am going to do for you to ensure victory?

What's that?



She will be feeling a little sad tonight...

A little angry...

A little vulnerable. l will find her, and l will...

Comfort her.

Well, l wouldn't want you to do anything too unpleasant. l do it for you.

Well, what about your little...

Ah, my little problem will not be such a problem tonight.

Suddenly, l'm feeling like you, relaxed. l will, uh, go to her. l will find her and talk to her...

Shh, shh, shh!

Les SangIots Longs Les VioIons Let's just dance.

De L'automne

Baisse Mon Coeur D'une Longeur Mon Automne

[SlNGlNG DREAM A LITTLE DREAM OF ME] l keep the bonsai.

The lamp we got in New York is yours.

The living room love seat...

Tell me if you think this is crazy.

Right down the middle with a chain saw! Bzzz!

Make two chairs.

Can we not talk about this? lt's depressing, isn't it? lt's business, the business of breaking up. lf you can't handle it, l can sell everything and send you half the cash.

You must hate me. l don't. The CDs will be tough, though.

Why don't you just let me have them?

You don't hate me?

No. Oh, l did, Charlie. l really did, but...


Huh. No.

Kate. l...

Oh, sweetie, are you crying?


No, no. l, uh, l'm... Ahem.

You know, l just feel so totally, horribly guilty.

Listen, don't feel guilty, because then l'll start feeling guilty that l made you feel guilty, and...

You know...

Actually, that was the old me.

Just feel guilty. Swim in it till your fingers get all pruny.

You're amazing.

You really are.




Will you dance with me?


One last dance?



You're right about his chin. Sometimes l want to hit it.

He's a waste of your time.

No, he's wonderful... tender.

Not like a French man.

You know what l mean?

Yes, l understand.

How could he do this to me?

When l was younger...

...this wouldn't have happened.

He would be with me in my room and she would wait all night. l can imagine.

Look at me, please.

Tell me what you see.


You seem so different...

But the same.

lt's like somebody turned a light on inside you.

Why wasn't it me?








[SPEAKlNG FRENCH] ls something wrong?

No, in fact everything is fine.

[CHARLlE] Wait a second.

Please forgive me. l must have been insane.



Oh, Kate...


What did you just say? l said "Kate."

[KATE] Ohh!

Oh, Kate!


Yeah. Oh, darling.


-Charlie... -Mmm!

Oh! l said... Stop!


What? Ohhh...


What? What?

Why wasn't it you who turned on the light...

The big shining Kate light that burns so bright now that you can't resist dumping your new girlfriend for your old one?


1 2 hours ago, all you wanted was Juliette.

Juliette? l...

She's wonderful...



When l met her, l wasn't thinking.

Sometimes you just do things.

You don't think about them.

You just need to do them, do what you're feeling.

Maybe... Maybe l was just... l was afraid, afraid of where we were headed.

You know? l was afraid of getting married.



You weren't afraid of getting married to her.

You know, no matter what l might seem like tonight, it's still the same old me from yesterday you'd wind up with tomorrow...

The same old me who wants the home and the family, who wants to plant some roots and see them grow.

You want to be a farmer?


There's just one thing l don't want anymore.

l'm sorry, Charlie.


Yeah, it's open.

Good morning.

So how did it go?

What happened?

Well, he wants to come back.


What about you?

The old bull back in business?

Oh... Pfff.


We better get going.

Cartier is waiting.


Everything as you said.

The egg?

Nest egg.

Oui. lt was wired from your bank in Toronto, and Cartier's agreed to issue the check in exchange.

The illusion is complete.

Thank you.

Why are you doing this?

You're not with Luc.

You will probably never see him again.

l don't know.

l must come to Canada someday.

You are a very sympathetic people.

Well, l'm not really a Canadian. ln fact, l'm...

Currently without country.

Just out of curiosity...

What is it worth? l would say over $1 00,000.


What do... Do... Do...

This is not possible!

Wha... Ohhh!


Why did l listen to you and your little walk and... Ohhh!

He said there was a flaw.

-A flaw? -Some flaws.

Some flaws?

Right. He said they're beautiful diamonds, but officially, there are these flaws.

Sorry. lt's O.K. lt's O.K.?

Oui. lt is, um, not as much as l was hoping, but it is enough to buy the land and to start the planting. lt will take longer, maybe six years before we have a decent bottle, but...

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

You're my angel of luck.

Who would have thought it?

l have to go...

'Cause Charlie's waiting.

No, l d... l love you!


l had dinner with her...


[JULlETTE] Why don't you go back to her?

You went up to the room like a freed stri...



Ah love, it's wonderful.

What are you doing here?

Some guy paid his hotel bill with a stolen credit card. l've taken care of it.

That's not true love.

What do you know?

Would you like to hear a true love story? l know a good one.


Does it have a happy ending? l don't know.

Maybe you can help with the ending.


Yes. airplane.

[LUC] Kate?



You are not afraid to fly anymore?

You are thinking of your little stone cottage? lt's on a hillside next to a beautiful vineyard.

But that's not really what l'm thinking about.

What are you thinking about?


And l am thinking...

You should not be flying anywhere. l shouldn't? ln fact, l am sure of it.

You are? l am thinking... l want you...

You want me...

That's all. l want you.

[LOUlS ARMSTRONG] HoId Me CIose And HoId Me Fast The Magic SpeII You cast This Is La vie en rose When You Kiss Me Heaven Sighs And Though l close my eyes I See La vie en rose When You Press Me To Your Heart And ln A World Apart A WorId Where roses bIoom And When You Speak AngeIs Sing From Above Everyday Words Seems To Turn Into Love's Song Give Your Heart And souI to me And Life Will Always Be La Vie En Rose



[KATE] Luc, sing that song again.

What song?

The Bobby Darin song.

Oh, làà, it's not Bobby Darin.

Yeah, the Bobby Darin song.

CharIes Trenet.

No. Somewhere Beyond the sea...

No, no, no. La Mer.

It is La Mer.

Well, maybe your guy covered it for Bobby.

No. It is a French song.

CouId you just sing the song?




I Been Searchin' A long time

For Someone Exactly like you

I Been TraveIin' AII around the worId

Waitin' For You To Come Through Someone Like You WouId Make It AII WorthwhiIe Someone Like You Keep Me Satisfied Someone ExactIy Like You

I Been TraveIin' A hard road

Baby, Lookin' For Someone exactIy Iike you

I Been Carryin' My heavy load

Waitin' For The Light To Come Shinin' Through Someone Like You WouId Make It AII WorthwhiIe Someone Like You

Make Me Satisfied Someone ExactIy Like You

I Been Doin' Some souI searchin'

To Find Out Where you're at

l Been Up And Down The highway

In AII Kinds Of foreign Iands Someone Like You WouId Make It AII WorthwhiIe Someone Like You Make Me Satisfied Someone ExactIy Like You

Someone ExactIy Like You

Someone ExactIy Like You