Friday Night Dinner S4E3 Script

Congratulations (2016)

Ripped & Corrected By mstoll

Hooray! My hero!

Hey, Mum!

Congratulations, Bambino.

What do you think? Hmm.

Oh, Bobble, I'm so proud.

Has your favourite son ever let you down?

Is that it? Yep.

Ooh! Go on. Show me, show me.

It's not the best-looking award, but...


Martin! Oh, it's beautiful.

Really? What is it?

Um, it's meant to be an ear on legs.

An ear on legs?

You know. Music award. An ear.

I thought it was some kind of tumour.


And you won that for shaving foam?

Writing the music for an advert for shaving foam, yes.

Your first award.

Shaving foam for ears?

What? Martin, go and get the champagne.

What, the proper stuff or the cheap stuff?

Thank you. The proper stuff.

But it's like 90p a gulp.

Go away.

90 bloody p!

Come on, I want to show you something.

Oh, hello, dolly.

Oh, hi, Grandma.

You all right now, Mum? Yeah.

Mazel tov on your shaving foam award.

Um, thanks.

Oh, dear.

I think I need the loo again. Tummy.


Oh, an ovary!

Ta-da! What do you think?

It's amazing, Mum.

And I've made your favourite meal in the whole wide world.

Beef? Yup. And profiteroles.

Yes! Not on the same plate, though?

No. All mushed up in a bucket.

Now, where's that bowl?

Oh, I'm so proud of you, Bobble!

What are you... Dad make that, did he?

How did you guess?

And the rabbits?

Yeah, I wondered about them.

Martin, what are the...

It's actually 93p a gulp.


What are all the rabbits?

Oh, 'cause he used to keep rabbits.

Er, no, I didn't.

No, he didn't.

Oh, no. I used to keep rabbits.

So easy to confuse yourself with your own son.

Yeah, I don't remember them much, but I know one of them went under a lorry and my mother cooked it with potatoes.


Ooh, Jonnyboo's back from America!

It tasted of road.

From Las Vegas to London!

Ha! Hi, Mum. These are for you.

Oh, they're gorgeous. Come in.

All right, Pissface? Bambino.

Well, come in, then.

Um, I'd like you to meet someone.

She steps out of the moonlight!

Oh, hello.

Hi there, I'm Lisa.

Yeah, this is Lisa.

Er, hi, Lisa.


We met in Vegas, and...


I'm not a stripper.

Who is she?

Not a stripper.

Um, do come in.

I hope you don't mind me crashing your whole get-together thang.

I'm sorry?

Is it okay if Lisa eats with us tonight?

What? Oh, of course!

There's more than enough to go round.


Cool house.

So, are you Jonny's female?

His... Female.

Wait. How did you know?

How did we know what?

That's for Adam. That we got married.


Married? Um...

They're married? Married?

Did you just say you got married?

Did someone get married?

Oh, hi, Grandma. Shall we go through, then?

You got married and you didn't tell your mother?

We were gonna tell you later.


Yeah, well, you know, it was Vegas, and...


Kinda like you said, only this bit took way longer.

Can you let us in please? Mum!

What do you mean you got married?

By the way, I'm Adam, your new brother-in-law.

Hey. Er, well...

Do you understand the word "married"?

I thought you were on a stag weekend.

I was, but then, you know, this happened.


Oh. What a romantic.


What the hell are you doing getting married without telling your mother?

Um, she's not my mother.

Sorry, I don't know why I was looking at you then.

What the hell are you doing getting married without telling your mother?

I don't have to tell Mum everything.

You do. He does.

Well, thank you very much.

Now I'm the one in bloody trouble, aren't I?

For what?

Well, apparently I should know everything my son gets up to.

Why don't you tell me everything you get up to?

Maybe I should go sit in the car.

Good idea.

Okay. Won't be long, babe.

I must say married life looks fun.

Thanks a lot, Jonathan.

Oh, this is ridiculous. Oh, come on, Jackie.

How could you do this to me? Do what to you?

He's so thoughtless. Shut up.

Never thinks of his mother.

Seriously. It was a spur-of-the-moment thing.

You don't say.

I met her the night before, and...

The night before?

You'd known her for one night? Sex.

Thank you, Martin. Plus the morning.

Sex. Seriously.

We got to know each other pretty well, actually.


Martin, will you please stop saying "sex"?

Hello, everyone.

Mum, we had a tiny ceremony.

It was just us, and actually it was quite funny.

There was this guy dressed just like Elvis.

You got married by an Elvis?

♪ I now pronounce you man and wife, uh-huh

Do it again!

Do you think we should maybe, like, go to the pub or something?

Don't worry, babe. She'll let us in soon.

In about a week.

I've never been to a real British pub.

Oh, then you'd love ours.

Yeah, it's really real.

Free stabbing with every pint.


Jonny, do you shave your ears? What?

We were meant to be celebrating my award.

Oh, shit! What is she doing here?

Huh? Aunty Val.

Oh, bloody Val!

Am I in my bed?

Who's Val? Hide.

Just a very reasonable lady.



Go on, Jonathan.

Ow! You're hurting me. You're hurting me! Get off!

How could you do such a thing to your mother?

I didn't do anything to my mother.

Your husband's very brave.

Well, you're going to go and apologise to her right now.

Er, no, I am not.


Sorry I got married without telling you, Mum.

Thank you, Val.


Where are you going?


Good evening again, Lisa. Why don't you come in?

And here's the place we tied the knot...


There's Jonny. There's me.

And why are you wearing a cowboy hat?

'Cause it's Vegas.

Prat. Prat.

Hey, careful now, I was a cowgirl.

Oh, yes, a cowgirl bride.

Lovely. Really lovely. Um.

Cheers, everyone!






So, my dear, which part of France are you from?

France? France?

Grandma! Mum, she's American.

Is she? She sounds French.

Merci, madame.

You know, dolly, I've never been to America, but I have been with an American!

Mum! God.

And, er, where are you from in the US of A?

US of A.

She's from Los Angeles. San Francisco.

Really? Yeah.

Jonathan Goodman, you don't know where your own wife's from?

Excuse me, I just need to check on the dinner.

And I just need to check on the bottle! More champagne?



Well, what do you think of my wife now?

All my friends with their lovely daughters.

What? All those lovely girls... and you go and marry the first one you meet in a...


I see. And just so you know, I didn't meet her in a casino.

Oh, yeah? Where did you meet her then?

All right, I did meet her in a casino, but...

What's wrong with Carol's daughter? Or Sue's daughter?

Sue's daughter? Yes.

The tiny one with the terrifying face? Jonathan.

Having fun?

Mum wants me to marry Sue's daughter.

Pocket Dracula?

You're horrible.

It's okay, Mum, I get it.

You don't like my wife.

How can I not like your wife?

I don't even know your wife. Do you even know your wife?

Yes, thank you. I know my wife very well.

Sex. Adam.

Seriously, do you know one thing about your wife?

Apart from her being French.

Shut up. Course I do.

Go on then. One thing.

What? Tell us one thing about your wife.



We're waiting. I'm thinking.

She likes apples.

Apples? Yeah. She likes apples.

That's what you know about your wife? She likes apples.

Well, that's her birthday sorted.

Lovely girl, Jon-Jon.

Thank you, Grandma. At least someone's happy for me.

Mum, you're meant to be angry with your grandson.

Am I? Yes.

I'm very angry with you!

Me? Not him. Jonny.


Who's that?


Apple, hmm?

Hello, Jackie. Something smells nice.

Oh, hi, Jim. Sorry, it's really not a good...

Yes, I just popped round to give you a letter which was addressed to you, but was delivered to me by mistake.

Oh, okay. Thanks.

Electricity bill.


And are you going to give it to me?

Yes, of course, Jackie.

It's for safety.

Here. There.


Thank you.

Oh, Jackie, you remembered!


Congratulations! I knew you'd remember.

Jim! Er...

My birthday! You remembered my birthday today!

Your birthday?

Friends, will you all join Wilson and me later for a special birthday drink in the pub?

Er, thanks, Jim, but...

Oh, did someone say "pub"?

It's an American lady.

Er, yes, Jim, that's...

Jonny's extremely new wife. Thank you.

Wife? I had no idea.

How long have you been married?

Do you want the answer in hours or minutes?

Where will you two lovebirds be nesting?


The United States.

United States?



United States?

Well, see you all in the pub. Bye-bye!

Or, as you say in your fair land, yee-ha!

Come on, Wilson. Good. Good boy.

We were gonna tell you later.



She definitely likes me.

How could he do this to us?

I know, dolly, I know.

What do you think, Martin?

I think that bin really pongs.

Maybe you should talk to him. You are his father.


Definitely heard that.

America. It's just so... Large.


Ah, but not if you're in America.

Yeah. I'll do the bin.

Jacqueline, she does seem a nice girl.

Maybe you should give her a chance a little?

Can I say, it would be quite nice to have my celebration dinner at some point this year.

Remember, we can never choose who our children marry.


There's the sod.

Rotting liver.

Lovely to see you again, Lisa.

Why don't you come and have something nice to eat? Hmm?

Enjoying it, Mum?

The meat's quite fatty.

Thank you.

Ignore her, Jackie. It's lovely.

Yeah, normally we'd have squirrel, but as tonight's a special occasion, it's badger!

Ooh, badger.

I do hope it's roadkill.


I love the candles by the way.

Thank you.

I hope they're not just for me?

What? Oh. No.

It's Friday night, so...

Friday night?

We're Jewish, so...

Are you? Sorry?

Jonathan Goodman, don't you tell your wife anything?

She didn't know we're Jewish?

No, Martin.

Don't worry, we're quite normal.

Although we may try to drink your blood later on.


But he did tell you he was in prison, right?

What? Ha-ha.

For buggering dogs. Adam!

Buggering dogs.

Doesn't Adam's ovary look lovely up there?

Ovary? Mum!

Grandma, it's an ear.

An ear? Yes.

Why would a womb have an ear?

Good question, Grandma.

Uh. I wish I'd never won the bloody thing now.

It is pretty hideous.

Ignore him, Bobble.

Seriously, I can take it to the dump if you want.

Thank you.

Argh! Salt. You bastard!



Oh! Jonny!


I've got gravy in my nose!

Stupid tits!

Martin! So sorry, Lisa.

That's okay.

I'm sure Adam's gonna miss him when he's 5,000 miles away.


This really is an awesome meal.

I'm going to get some more potatoes. Me too.

It's okay, Lisa.

Martin, why don't you go and help Jonny?

Really? But I'm having me grub.

Oh, right. Yeah.

I think your mother wants me to have a private chat with you about the situation between yourself and your American wife.

Great. Subtle.


Well, have a great time.

So fatty.

Go on, then, get it over with.

Well? Well, what?

You're getting married.

Er, yes, I got married.

Oh, yes, you got married. Of course. You're married.

Yes. And?


Have you consummated the marriage?

Dad. Well, that's what you ask, isn't it?

If you're from the 1820s, yes.

All right then. Do you love the girl?

Okay, did Mum tell you to say all this?

Of course not.

Good. Any more questions, or can I go now?

What do the parents do?

Um, what is that piece of paper?

What piece of paper?

Jonny. That's Mum's handwriting!

Give it back.

She's literally written out instructions for you.

She'll bloody kill me.

"Try and make him feel sad for us."


"If doesn't work, say you're a bit ill"?

Oh, yes, that's what I was meant to say. I'm a bit ill. I...

How's it all going?

Dad just told me he's dying.


Thanks a lot.


Everything okay? We're going to the pub.



Where are you going? The pub.

Now? Yeah. Come on.

But what about my profiteroles?

Well, bye, love.

Er, where do you think you're going?

The pub?

Um, no, you're staying here.

Am I?

Oh, right. Emotions.

Well, have...


Welcome to your first British pub.

Er, thanks.

Um, take a seat, babe.

Oh, and just wait to get stabbed?

That's how it works!

How did you get her to marry you?

Seriously, Mum and Dad are so annoying.

Was she on very strong medication at the time?

So annoying.

Or does she just want to be unhappy for the rest of her life?



Ah, evening.

What about it?


Two pints of lager, please. And for your random bride?

Thank you.

And another pint.

You want two pints and another pint?

Yeah, so three pints.

Thanks for the maths lesson.

Friendly as ever.

I try my best.


Uh, I don't want to know.

She's sorry.

Really? Well, if she's so sorry, then you can just text her back and tell her to come here right now and say it to my face, and also to my wife's face.

I have to text all that?




And congratulations, by the way.

Er, thank you.

To both of you.

Both of us?

For being wankers.

Oh, God. Knife in back?

Of neck and head?

You okay?


Oh, no. The birthday boy.


Hello, lads.

Hi, Jim.

American lady.

Happy birthday.

Yeah. Happy birthday.

Is your mother coming?

I don't think so, Jim.

Oh, dear.

Well, cheers.



Birthday sausage.

Ah. The fun continues.


Jackie, you came to my party!

Um, yes, Jim.

I'll fetch the champagne.



Come on, Wilson!


Hi. What are you doing here?

I've come to, um, Apologise for my behaviour.

You've come to apologise?

Can you believe it?

I just wanted to say that, well, you two really make a lovely couple, and we're...

So happy for you both.

Really? Yeah.

Oh, thanks, Mum.


Yeah, thanks, Mom-in-law, Dad-in-law.

Ah, pleasure.

Ah, lovely.

Are they what I think they are?

Da-da-da. Da-da!

Oh, Mum!

Well, congratulations, you two. Thanks, Grandma.

What is it they say at these things?

Oh, yes, "Till death do us part".


Lisa, shall we maybe...

Yeah, I was gonna say the same thing.

We're just gonna...


I know, right?

So. Mrs Goodman.

Yes, Mr Goodman.

Er, do you think that maybe what we did...

The whole getting married thing?

Yeah, the whole getting married thing.

Do you think it was maybe a little...

Or a lot?

Or a lot?


Completely mental.

Maybe we did rush into it a little bit.

Hmm. Yeah.

So, do you think we should...

Yeah, maybe we should.

By the way, do you like apples?

They make me heave.

Cool. Cool.

Um, everyone.

We've kinda got something to say.

She's not up the duff, is she?




Getting a divorce.

Oh, I am so pleased for you both.

Thanks, Mum.

Oh, and you made such a lovely daughter-in-law.



Oh, Jim! Jim! Oh, are you all right?

So you're getting divorced from my brother?



Fancy going out for a drink some time?

Why not?


Ripped & Corrected By mstoll