Friday Night Dinner S5E5 Script

The Violin (2018)

Hurry up... Where is he?

Jonny, come away from those curtains now, will you?

I'm waiting for Pusface!

Please don't be horrible to him when he gets here.

Sorry - DON'T be horrible to him?

You've got to see this, Jackie.

It's amazing. Just amazing!

Um... Martin, are you planning on helping tonight, or are you just going to spend all evening peering through that stupid telescope?

Telescope?! It's a microscope, Jackie.

A micro-bloody-scope! All right!

What are you looking at anyway? What?

What are you looking at? Hair. Hair? Hair!

He's here...!

With his violin?


Don't be horrible! Martin - he's got his violin!

This hair is from my armpit.

Ladies and gentlemen! The worst violinist in the world...

Mr Adam Goodman!

Jonny! Ha! Good, innit?

What the hell was that?!

He just bloody deafened me, the dick.

Isn't it cool? A megaphone?

Yeah, I found it when we were clearing out a flat.

Welcome home, Pusface! Jesus!

Stupid berks.

Serves you right. Here.

Are you OK, Bobble?

Him OK? Hands up! This is the police!

I've always wanted to do that.

Right. Thank you.

Bobble, you look so cute with your little violin!


Do I really have to play this stupid thing for Grandma tonight?

Eee! Eee! Aiee!

Yes. I haven't played for, like, 12 years.

I know, but she's been asking for so long, and it'll make her so happy.

God. Where is Grandma?

She's... Out making a porn video.

Martin! That's disgusting!

Dad... Porn video!

Right. Just go in there and... eat your telescope.

Microscope, Jackie. Microscope!


Don't ask.

He's been looking at hair.

Hair? Hair! All right!

What is wrong with him?

Have you got a year? Or 12.

Where is Grandma? She was meant to be getting a cab here.

You seen my phone?!

I really don't want to do this tonight.


Agh! God!

Boys! Where is it?

I hated playing the violin. You did not.

You used to love playing to me and Grandma and all my friends when you were little.

It was so beautiful.

Yes, the beautiful sound of strangled horses.

And in it goes again. Jesus!

Boys! Sorry, but whenever I played for you and your friends, I could never finish a bloody piece, you'd all just sit there nattering.

We did not natter. Er, excuse me?

I think you're forgetting Auntie Val.

The world's number one natterer? Shut up.

Then Dad would just stand there...

Doing that. Charming, Martin.

Aye carumba! Anyone want to see a leg hair?

Tempting. You shouldn't be nasty about Auntie Val.

She's going through a very difficult time at the moment. Good.

Stop it! It's a horrible divorce.

I don't know how she'd have coped without her Spencer.

Spencer the weirdo.

Val's son is not a weirdo!

Val's son is a weirdo.

Mum, he talks like he's a doctor.

He does not.

"You have a headache?

"Well, I'm afraid we're going to have to amputate your arse."

Not funny.

And anyway, Spencer very nearly became a doctor, thank you.

"Very nearly became a doctor".

Failed his exams. Caught cheating.

It was never proved! Horrible. He's very sensitive about that actually.

Well, maybe he should see a doctor then.

There it is!

Martin, I told you to move your telescope crap out of here.

It's not a shitting telescope! text from Grandma. This'll be good.

"Are you in your house house I am in my house house thank you."

What don't you understand?

"Then I had a fall." A fall?!

She had a fall...? My God, I hope she's all right.

Jonny, get your dad. Dad!

Jonathan! What?

Grandma had a fall.

Another fall? How many falls has that woman had?

A thousand? Stop it.

Luckily they've all been small ones.

All she needs is one big one.

Hello, Mummy? Are you all right?

Please be bed-ridden, so I don't have to play you my stupid violin.

And now it's my turn.

But she's OK though, yeah? Thank God.

She said she just wants to stay in bed and rest.

I mean, I've offered to send your dad round.

To hit her on the head with a pole.

Poor old Grandma.

So she's really not coming?

I know. And she doesn't want us to go to hers?

What can I do?

# Joy of joy! King of kings!

♪ I don't have to play my stupid violin! ♪ Ohhhhh! My shitting thorax!

Sorry, Dad. No. Good shot, Bobble.

Anyway, if you won't play for your grandma, you can play for your mummy. Er, no.

What? You won't play the violin for your own mother?

Yes, you won't play the violin for your own wonderful mother?

Shut up. Martin, say something.

Follicles. Great.

I can't believe you're refusing to play for me tonight.

Yes. Isn't he a shit?

Oi! Pissface.

Val... Auntie Val...

Why don't you come here later?

Adam would love to play his violin to cheer you up.

Kiss kiss.

Jonnyboo, please tell your horrible brother to play for me.


"Would love to see Adam play tonight. Can I bring Spencer?"

Spencer?! Of course!

And Adam may need Spencer's advice as he has a bad bottom.

Bad bottom. I'm a genius.



You've got to see this one.

Do you have to do that at the table?

It's from my nostril.

Dad, a hair from your nostril?

Yeah, but magnified 500 times.

Ooh, can I have a look?

Stupid penis.

How lovely.

Nice? God, I think this nose hair's got nits.

Right, enough of your disgustingness tonight, thank you.

But Jackie! I... Bloody Nazi dictatorship.

Hello, Mrs Hitler!

God! Dad!

Just eat your bloody food, will you?

You've got one of my hairs here.

What? Yeah.

That hair's from your head.

Right. As opposed to hair you've got from other parts of Mum's body?

Thanks for that, Adam.

No, I've only got your mum's head hair. Head hair.

Freshly picked last night.

Picked? What? Directly from Mum's head?

Yes, while she was sleeping.

While I was sleeping? Well, that's not sinister.

I wanted a fresh specimen, didn't I?

I'm trying to get samples of all the family's hair.

Said mass-murderer, Martin Goodman, today in court.


What? Don't touch my hair again.


He's not touching my hair.

Can you get it?

Sure, Mum! You'll enjoy this.

Sorry? Jonny?

What do you mean?

...? Pissface?

Here, lads...

Hands up! This is the police!

Good evening.

Why don't I just... put this thing down here?

Can we, you, officers?

Who is it? The police! Sorry.

Tell them I'll be murdering your father in half an hour.

Yeah, er, sorry for disturbing your evening, but...

Then cutting his body up in the bath!

All right! Shut up, Mum!

We're just knocking on doors tonight. Yeah, to let people know that someone in the road had a burglary earlier and...

Right. A buggery?

Pardon?! His hearing's a bit...

There's been a buggery? No, Dad, a burglary. They were BURGLED.

All right! They might have been burgled and buggered. They weren't.

Oooh, it is the police!

Yes, it is the police.

Someone in the road was burgled.

I thought they said buggered.

Burgled? Who?

Well, we're not at liberty to say, I'm afraid, but we will be patrolling the area tonight just to make sure everyone's vigilant and...

We believe the suspects might have been scared off, as the owner did have a dog.

A dog?

Better now, Jim?

Much better, Mummy... Jackie. think that my house was broken into by... brutes... Brutes?

It makes me feel all dirty. Like I've been used as a kind of... la-VAT-ory.

Er, lavatory?

I'm fine, thank you.

Checked everything. All the windows, doors, locks.

No-one's getting into this house tonight.

How about out of this house tonight? Yeah, can we go soon?

You don't want to go too soon.

What?! Ooh! Is that a little cello?'s my violin, Jim.

May I?

You play the violin?

Yes, Martin, I used to play in an orchestra.

Until Wilson left a little something in the tuba.

Go on, then.

It's a bit out of tune.

Well, goodnight, Jim.

Try not to worry about the... you know.

Brutes. Yeah.

It's OK, Jackie, I've always got Wilson to protect me.

Yes. Wilson?

Wilson! Wilson!

What good timing! Hello, love.

Val...? And Spencer?

What are they doing here...? Well, goodbye.

Martin! Hi, love.

Sorry we're a bit late. You're...?

Well, say hello, Spencer.

Hell-ooo! Hey, Spencer.

Isn't it great to see Spence again?

Aw, I'm so excited to hear you play again, maestro!

Play again?

Where we doing it then? In there?

Doing it? The concert, silly!

Are you OK, Jackie?



Whenever you feel comfortable to talk to me about your... know.

I don't care. I'm not playing my bloody violin for Aunty Val.

And her weirdo son. Jonny!

Pissface! Thank you for telling Dr Spencer I had an arse problem. Anything to help.

Adam, you've got to play, cos I invited her here to hear you play...!

No, you didn't... She thinks I invited her here.

Jonny... Sorry, I'm going to kick him now...


Ooh! So this is what goes on backstage!

Hi, love.

Um, Aunty, can I say something?

No, can I say something?

I want to thank you, Adam, for offering to play for me tonight.

You don't know how much it means to me.

But... Spencer's dad has been such a piece of shit, and I've been feeling so rotten.

I was really worried about her blood sugar levels.

They were very low.

No, Martin! Wonderful to have you here, Valerie.

Come along, Spencer.

We don't want to miss the concert of the year!



OK. I'll play. I'll play.

Bobble. Bobble!

Whenever you want to talk.

Bloody hell... Sorry? Speak up!

I remember his little violin.

Yeah. It's standard size actually.

Unlike Adam! Thank you.

Yeah, cos he's small.

Thank you again.

Right. I'm going to play you a piece now. It's not long.

It lasts for about a minute.

A minute too long! Jonathan!

So, I hope you can listen and enjoy it... in silence.

Get on with it! Christ! Argh! Martin!


You all right now?

You do seem quite agitated, Adam...

I'm fine, thank you, Spencer.

Go on, Bobble.

Yeah, go on, Pusface.

Pusface? Did he have excessive facial secretions during puberty?

That is why we call him that. Should have been a doctor.

Mum. Caught cheating.



Oooh, he's very good, isn't he?

I'm just tuning, Aunty.

I thought it was a bit modern!

So, can we talk in this bit?

Sorry? Um, Aunty wants to know if we can talk in this bit?

What? You mean she can't even last ten seconds without nattering?

You know she bleeding can't! Martin!

Are you actually gonna do that while I'm playing?

Well, you're just doing your...

Eeeh-eeh-aiiee bit now, aren't you? Eeeh-eeh-aiiee!


I am now, but in one second I'll be ready, won't I?!


OK. Ready now?


Mazel tov.

Gotcha! Bloody hell! Martin!

You lunatic! A perfect specimen!

Right! Not playing!!

Adam! Martin! Why are you such a bloody idiot?

It's OK. I'll talk to him.


Isn't he wonderful?

Hell-ooh? God.

What do you want? Nothing. I just thought I'd come in and say hi.

OK, well... Hi.

All right? Please, go away!

You know, stress probably isn't the best thing for whatever issue you may have with your rectum.

Spencer, I don't have an issue with my rectum, thank you.

He does. Mum!

And how are your stools at the moment? My God!

Yes, how are your stools?


You all right? Please can I go home now?



Look at him!

I've put so much pressure on the poor boy to play tonight.

I'm sorry, Adam.

Thanks, Aunty.

Why don't you play for us in here instead?

What? In the kitchen.

Much less formal, and we'll just sit in silence, I promise, and you can play in your own time.


Yeah, Pusface, in your own time.

Do it for Mummy.

Um, do I have to sit in here as well?


So you won't start nattering?

Or suddenly tear off a piece of someone's scalp? We promise.



Oooh, bravo!

Right then.

I don't believe it.

It's Grandma. Sorry! She had a little fall.

Dear. A fall?

Sadly, not into a mincer!

Hello, Mummy? You all right?

Hello, Jackie.

Um, I've forgotten why I called you now.

Great, so absolutely no reason to interrupt me whatsoever.

Shh! Are you taking it easy, Mum, like the doctor said?

Yes, dolly.

She should try and take it easy.

Is that the doctor there?

My God! Hi, Grandma. It's Jonny.

Remember you were going to come and hear Adam play his violin tonight?


Well, he's gonna play it for you right now, down the phone.

You bloody shit!

I'm not a bloody shit!

Jonathan! Martin!

Sorry, Mum...

Go on, talk to Grandma.!

Hi, Grandma. It's Adam.

I can't hear the violin...

Yes, that's cause I haven't started yet!

Er, he's starting now, Mum.

OK, Dolly.

This'll be lovely! Lovely!

Lovely music. Please stop talking.

Carry on, carry on.

I am carrying on.

What is...?

I think someone's shot her!

Mum? What are you doing?

I'm defrosting the freezer.


Defrosting the freezer? But you've just had a bloody fall!

My actual God!

I'm going outside, right now, to smash my pissy, little violin into pissy, little pieces! What? No, Adam!

Amazing. Martin!

Hello? You are not smashing your lovely violin.

I am smashing my lovely violin.

No, you are not.

Mum! Talk to him, Spencer!

Adam, you're agitated.

This is what's known as an agitated state.

Can't you just shut up? Sorry?

You're not a bloody doctor! Adam!

How dare you speak to my Spencer like that!

He cheated at his exams! Everyone knows!

It was never proved! It was never proved!

Right! Calm down. Give me your violin.

No! No! Get off! I want to smash it! I want to... Give it! Give it to me!

I want to... Bingo! My God!


I've got the set. The whole family's hair. OK! Goodnight!


He's locked us out! Open the door, you pillock!

Adam! Pusface! Pusface!

What about the side door?! It's locked.

Cause of all the, you know, brutes.


Adam, I'm still here if you need me.

Adam? Adam?

Er, I don't think so.


No good. He must have switched it off.


This is the police! We've got the place surrounded!

Dad! I said, this is the police!

Come out with your hands up!

Put that bloody thing down. Jackie...

Er, hello again.

Everything all right? Shit!

Do piss off.

This is the police. Can you open the door please?

Yes, Dad. Very good.

Mr Goodman, this is PC Sally Gatley.

Can you open the door, please?

It is the police. Yes, it is the police.

You called the police on me? What?

I can't believe it! You ask me to play the violin, and then when I actually start playing, you talk all the way through, and then you call the bloody police!

We did not talk all the bloody way through.

You just bloody stormed off! Yeah!

One minute that stupid piece lasts. One minute!

He was bloody rude to my son!

Can you keep your voices down a little?

He was in a state of psychosis, officer. What?

Right, and are you a doctor?

That's right. My God! He's not a sodding doctor!

He sells shoes on eBay! Ignore him, Spencer.

He cheated at his exams! It was never proved!

I'll be in the car. Um.

Right, well. I think this is pretty simple to sort out.

You lot, stand there and be quiet.

And you, you've got one minute. Play your violin. What?

Yes! Well, go on. Seriously?


All right! Fine. Fine.

Hello, all!


Have the brutes struck again?

The brutes? No, Jim, but you're just in time for Adam's special concert.

The little cello!

Yes, that's how you play it, with the stick.

Excuse me. Copy that.

Sorry, where are you going?

There's been another break-in. But I haven't finished yet.

Sorry, nice playing though. No, you don't understand, I've got to get to the end. Can you move out of the way please?

You've got to hear the end! Can you move?

Someone's gonna hear the end.

Someone's gonna hear the bloody end! Right, I'm taking that!

What? Thank you. No! Give it! Give it back!

OK, let's go! Stop! Thief! Thief!


Did you see that?

That was my violin! They took my violin.


My lovely violin.

Bad luck, Pusface!

My nose!

My nose!

He's all yours, doctor.