Friday Night Dinner S5E6 Script

Wilson (2018)

I think I'll have that.


Just give it back! Sorry?

Give me my phone back. You mean this?

Whoo, butterfingers!

Jonny, you dick! You could have broken it.

I've got my call later.

What's the stuff in this bag? Er, what are they doing in there?

Jackie, just put it down.

What are these bits for? Jackie, just leave them, will you?

I'm just looking. Hi, boys. All right?

But what are they for? Intergalactic bloody space travel.

Just leave the bleeding things! All right!

What's going on? We're trying to put together this storage unit thing for my... All her old crap. Thank you.

I've only been asking your dad to do it for the last three months.

It's not been three months.

Martin, it's been sitting in this stupid garage for three months.

Before you go on, just to say, we're not helping.

Definitely not helping. Shitbags.

Come on, boys. Your dad's injured himself, OK?

Really? My bloody bursitis.

Your bloody what?

Bursitis. Don't you know what bursitis is?

Funnily enough, no.

No? Martin, no-one knows what bursitis is!

Didn't they go to school? Um, not to medical school.

Well, bursitis, thickos, is inflammation of the fluid-filled sac under the skin.

Yes! That doesn't sound revolting.

It's a bleeding nightmare. Really? What are the symptoms?


Right. Farewell.

Boys, please help. There's spiders everywhere.

Mum! You won't get your crumble.

OK. OK, later. God.

Hello, boys.

Jim? What are you...?

Shh! Wilson's just finishing his...

Jim! ..dollops. Lovely. Dollops.

That's it, Wilson?

Why are you doing it there? I'm not doing it there.

Wilson is. Never mind.

Jim, do you have to keep doing that there?

I'm not doing it there, Jackie. Wilson is.

Yeah, I know that... I do my dollops in my house.

Him and his bloody dollops.

Don't worry. I've got a bag.

He won't have a bag.

Actually, Jackie, do you have a bag? See?

Or maybe five.

All week in that bloody flowerbed.

Every time I open that door, there's Jim and Wilson, dolloping.

What's he feeding him, for Christ's sake? Other dogs?

He can't be well. Who, Wilson or Jim?

I think we should put a trap down for the bleeding thing.

A trap for a dog? A dog trap?

Yeah, snap its arse off.

What is for dinner? Dollops.

Meatballs. Dollops!

Very good. I'm boiling!

Put your bosoms away.

Mum, big night for Adam tonight.

Is it? Yeah, I've sort of got this important phone call later.

Get off! From a girl? Please say it's from a girl.

It's from a girl. It's not from a girl!

It's a work call. I was all excited then.

From America. From America?

My God, my son's got an important work call from America!

Mum! Martin!

It's to tell me if I got this job. Which he hasn't.

Ooh, America!

Yeah, it's doing the music for this car commercial thing.

Be amazing if I do get it. I mean, I probably won't.

He definitely won't. I am down to the last two, so...

Will you shut up? The last two? My Bobble the composer!

Of crap.

Martin, Adam's getting an important phone call from America later.

From a female? Yeah! No, Dad, about a job.

Never mind. Great. Well, I'm getting champagne.

Champagne? They haven't even called me yet!

Exciting, though, working in America.

It's not IN America, it's FOR America.

You're getting a job FOR America? Yes.

For America what? Sorry?

Bubbly wubbly!

Let me get the job first.

You'll still be working in the hospital, though? Yes?

Hospital? Martin, have you met your son before?

What? That's his job. Hospital radio.

Fantastic. No, Dad, I write music for adverts and stuff, one of which was used once once! - on hospital radio.

Yes. # Femeron, say goodbye to thrush! #

Well, I thought he worked in a hospital. Really? Did you?

I was actually going to ask you if you could get some new bandages for my bursitis. Right.

But since you don't work in a hospital... I don't. can't. Nope. Useless.

My God. Is that them?

I don't know. Erm... I don't know.

Hello, Adam Goodman.


It's them!

And I just wanted to say we loved your music so much, we want to give you the job.

Wow. That's amazing.

I got it!

Thank you. Thank you so much.

You're welcome, Pusface!

We are so excited to be working with you!

Unknown number! Got you!

Jonny, you little shit!

That was a horrible thing to do!

I know! I can't believe you!

Was that Jonny pretending to call from the hospital?

I don't work in a hospital. Yes, he does.

♪ Femeron, say goodbye to thrush! ♪ Right!

Go on, boys! Really?

Such a sod. Your face! Your face!

All right? Yes. Wilson might need...

Well, you know.

Go on, Pusface.

The local dog toilets.

Jim, sorry, but is Wilson all right at the moment?

Actually, Jackie, I'm not sure that he is.

He keeps going... the loo. Really.

Yes. In your flowerbed, right over there.

We do know, Jim.

Which is strange, because he hasn't been eating for days.

And yesterday, he didn't even want to watch his favourite television programme. OK...

University Challenge.

Maybe you should...

Have him put down. ..take him to the vet's.

No, Jackie. Wilson never lets me take him to the vet's, never.

Right, bags.


It really can't be well, that creature.

I know, poor Wilson. Plate, please, Jonny.

I mean, it must have dumped half its body weight in our drive.

Dad! Thank you! We're eating.

Could be tapeworm.

Adam, pass me your plate so we can start eating, and your dad can shut his face. Gladly.

And you really don't want one of those buggers tunnelling through to your bowels.

Do you want to eat in another room?

In another house? On another planet?

Here. Dollops. Dollops.

Just eat your food. Remember, Jackie, when we had a dog?

A dog? Ignore him. Martin, we've never had a dog in our lives.

Really? What about Sam? Sam? Who's Sam? Who's Sam?

You're right. We've never had a dog in our lives.

Mum, please can we have Dad put down? I'll call the vet's.

I remember who Sam was now.

Do you? He wasn't a dog, he was a man! Bit of a difference.

You mean Sam, our old neighbour?

Sam, our old neighbour! Sam, your old neighbour?

That's right. He had a dog, also called Sam. Sam!

What, the man was called Sam, and he also had a dog called Sam?

He once tried to wipe his bum on our fence.

Which Sam? The man or the dog?

You don't want to know.

God. Talking of a man and his bloody dog...

Where you going? Just seeing if they're still dolloping.

Yep, still dolloping. Again?! Again.

Jesus! It's ridiculous. It's definitely an arse worm.

Hurry up and phone! So you'll do it, then? My storage thing?

My God! You won't get your crumble...

Mum! We'll do it, OK? Dad made it.

What?! Dad made it?! Dad's never made crumble before.

Yeah, why did Dad make the crumble?

He wanted to. It was bloody easy.

You just get all the ingredients you need, you mix them up in the correct quantities, then you put the mixture in the oven.

Do you? And the action of the heat causes the molecules to vibrate, which causes the food to cook, so when you take it all out, it's all done. Right! Piece of piss.

Very good. I know it's you.

Jonathan! What, unknown, again? Very clever!

It's not me. So...

Shit! That's them!

Good luck, my little Mozart!

Is that the hospital?

Yes, to take you away.

Hello, Adam Goodman.

Hello, Mr Pusface!


Jonny, you bloody...! It works with Mum's phone, too!

Right, you dollophead! Oi!

Not a meatball!!

My God! Shit! Not on the carpet! Not on the carpet!

You shitting berk! I told you not to throw meatballs!

Mum! And you! Me? Me?!

Bloody idiot! Dad!

Bloody idiot! Dad!

How am I going to get red wine out of my carpet?

My God. Martin, go and get the white wine. Get the white wine.

White wine? Gets rid of red wine stains. Bleeding hell.

Can everyone stop hitting me? I'm covered in meat.

Look what you've done!

Please! I'm sorry, Mum, OK? I'm sorry.

Right, white wine. OK, pour it on the stain. Pour it on the stain.

Shit, that's the red wine!

More red wine! My God. Right, all of you, out.

Get out! Jackie! Mum!

Go on, go to the garage, and finish making my bloody thing.

What, your brain? I heard that!

Come on, then.

Well done, Pusface. No, well done, Pissface.

So many dollops.

Where these two bits go, I have no bloody idea.

Yeah. Once again, just look at the instructions.

I heard you the first time!

Oi, Adam! What?



Dad, can we please just get on with it? They must go somewhere!

You do have the instructions?


Dad! You didn't throw them away, did you?

Erm... You threw them away?! Why did you do that?

Well, I didn't know what they were, did I?

Well, what did you think they were?

You know, general information about the company, profit, turnover.

Sorry? Well, what was the name of the unit?

Don't you dare phone me again!

I'm not phoning you again. What was the name?

Maybe there's something online. Er, it was written on the box.

Which you threw away. Which I threw away.

Excellent. And might it still be in the bins?

Binmen came this morning. Of course they did. Fantastic.

So we're now putting together a massive wooden thing with absolutely no instructions whatsoever.

Lucky both your sons are qualified carpenters.

Stupid babies! You don't need the instructions.

Look, there's the wood, there's the screws. What else do you need?

Er, the instructions.

Look, that bit there must be one of the doors...

Bloody bursitis! Bloody burSHITEis.

Where are my sodding painkillers?

OK, I've got a door. Now what?

Well, just connect it to another bit.

Connect it? I'll do it, then!

God! Such a fuss.

Go on, Jonny!

Erm, you'll be pleased to know the carpet's ruined.


Hello, all. Jim, not another bag.

No, Jackie. I just wanted to say that if you do need any help in here, I am very good with my hands.

Right. I've actually been making something back at the house.

Have you? Yes, a little ladder.

OK, well... For our bunk beds.

Wilson's on top.

Actually, I will take...

..another bag.

That should be big enough for the...

You know.

They sleep in bunk beds?

Right, well, I'll leave you all to get on, then.

So you're not helping us at all?

What? No. Just hurry up!

Hurry up? Hurry up?




Hold still!

It's not fair!

Well, life's not fair, Jackie.

If it was, God wouldn't have invented bursitis.

Aah! Eugh! Spider!

Aagh! Stop doing that!

Just keep bleeding still, Jackie!


Now the other door.

Can't we just leave it like this?


You're unbelievable, Jonny!

Not again!

OK, this time, I promise it's not me. Look.

It's not my phone. Well, it's not my phone.

I don't care, I'm not answering it.

I think you should, Adam, it might be the... - Don't you dare say hospital!

Go on!

I swear, if this is you, piss face...

Hello, Adam Goodman.

Hello again, pus face!


Dad's phone!

Right! You...


You bloody bastard!

Nutcase! I'm going to kill you! Get off me!

Boys... Boys!

You are so dead! Get off me!

Adam! Bye! Pus face!


Quick! Not now, Jim!

Something terrible's happened.

Wilson's not moving.

What? Wilson, he's not moving. Not moving?

We... We were just on our way home, and he suddenly just...

..just stopped.


Why isn't he moving?

Maybe give him a little shake?

Wilson? Sh, sh!

Well, Martin?


..I think he's dead.



He can't... He can't be.

Not Wilson.

Not Wilson!

Wilson, it's me.

It's Jim.



Come back, Wilson. Don't leave me!

Aww, Jim.

Say it's not true, Jackie. Say it's not true!

Jim! Jim.

How could you leave me, my friend?

My only friend!


No more Wilson.

No more Wilson!

Jim, we should really call the vet.

No, Jackie, Wilson never has been taken to the vets, never!

We'll bury him.

Really, Jim? Yes, we'll bury Wilson.


We'll bury him.

Yeah, and we'll give him the best send-off any dog's ever had.

Thank you, Martin.

Is there anywhere special, Jim, you'd like to lay Wilson to rest?

What? Yes, Jackie, there is... place, actually, somewhere that meant a lot to Wilson.

Of course. Wherever!

Would you mind carrying him?

Oof! Go on, lads.

Thank you, boys.

This way.

Here we are.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust...

Sorry, I don't really know the rest of it.

Wilson to Wilson.

Um, Jim, maybe you'd like to say a little something about Wilson?


Maybe I could make up a little poem about him.

O Wilson, You were a great animal Who was also a mammal.

You loved to drink water from your bowl With your tongue, until you were...


But now, you are gone And I am...


Why don't you come inside now, have some crumble?

Crimble crumble...

Come on.

Goodbye, Wilson.


Goodbye, mate.

Fill it up, then.


Here we are, Jim. Crimble crumble!

Crimble crumble!

Thank you, Jackie.

I've never had your famous apple crumble before.

Well, actually... Wilson would have been so proud.

I made it, Jim.

Did you?


There's some champagne, if you fancy?

No, thank you, Martin.

My dog has just died.

Yes. Anyone else?

Well, um, tuck in. Aahh!

You all right, Jim?

There's no fruit. What?

It's just crumble.

Yeah, where's the fruit?

Martin, what crumble is this?

Er, apple crumble.

But without the apples?

I forgot to put them in!


So we're just eating crumble? Just a mass of crumble?

Crumble crumble?


I obviously just...

..shitted it out.

I'm so sorry, Jim.

I...think I need to be alone.

Did you ever finish your cupboard?

Er, no, Jim.

I suppose nothing is ever really finished.

Come on, Wilson...



You forgot the apples?! All right!

What's he going to do without Wilson?

He'll be OK, Jackie, he'll be OK.

Well, that's definitely how I want to go - being buried in my own toilet!


What's that banging?


Jesus! Er, Jim?

What's he doing?!


Where's he...

Sorry, Jim, you're not thinking of putting that, um, thing in front of our house?

This cross will stand as a permanent reminder for the whole community to the memory of the great Wilson.

And it will stand here for all eternity.

Er, right...

Sorry, is it Sunday tomorrow?

Er, no, Jim, it's Saturday tomorrow.


I'll get another dog tomorrow, then.

Bye, all.

Great, so, now what?

That just stays there, does it? Yup.

A massive, terrifying cross.

For all eternity.

We're supposed to be Jewish!

Well, we can't just take it down, can we?

Well, what are people going to think?!

Not now, Jonny!

Er, remember this?


So...that's them.

I mean, it's got to be them.

Well, answer it! Is that the Americans?

Where's my...

Wait a minute...

You didn't!

I did!