Fuck You Immortality (2019) Script

¶¶¶

¶ Maybe ¶

¶ You'll think of me ¶

¶ When you are all alone ¶

¶ Maybe the one Who is waiting for you ¶

¶ Will prove untrue ¶

¶ Then what will you do? ¶

¶ Maybe ¶

¶ You'll sit and sigh ¶

¶ Wishing that I were- ¶ Now really pay attention.

[woman] Joe!

Joe! Are you alright?

[Tony] It was the summer of 1976, right?

I have only a few vivid memories from that time because we used to be high all day long.

Let's just say they're going from shrooms to other psychotropics.

It had been a peculiar summer.

Long story short, one night we met Joe.

And that night we joined our bodies with that of Joe.

It was a mystical experience.

[Tony] You see more smiley then.

But he was surrounded by a halo of sadness that is hard to forget.

[Kacey] True.

He always seemed to be preoccupied about something.

Oh, remember that magic trick he did where he swallowed a razorblade?

It was bloody and gory as hell.

But afterwards he was absolutely fine.

That was sweet.

Oh, yeah.

That's how we could afford LSD.

[Kacy] A few months later he left the commune we were in and never came back.

Gone, vanished without a trace until-

Just a sec.

-Where the hell have I put that? -Darling, darling, darling.

Ah, thank you.

We saw this two years ago.

He hadn't aged a day.

Or at least that's what he seemed like.

Maybe that wasn't him.

But we had to find out.

[Kacy] So we packed and traveled to Jaeger, a small village that, apparently, wasn't even on maps.

We should almost be there.

Well, I-- I-- I am quite positive we're lost.

-Did you take a right turn here? -I did turn right.

You always have trouble telling your right from your left.

This is my right.

You'll never learn to tell the difference, darling.

There's someone there. We should ask her.

Hey! Hey! We're trying to get to a town called Jaeger.

-Could you give us directions? -Get lost, you fucking hippies.

We don't need your flower power bullshit here because we've got guns.

-What's wrong with him? -Come on, let's get on the van and turn back.

I can't turn around here, we have to go forward.

Whatever.

We're going, we're going, just put the gun away.

Stay down, I don't want anything to happen to you.

I still get the chills thinking of that day.

Luckily, I was there.

[crying]

-Why did he have to be so mean to us? -Shh.

Hush, hush.

It's alright.

We've never hurt anyone.

-And this guy tried to kill us without even knowing us. -I know, I know.

He just had a hotheaded attitude.

Alright? Come on. Come on.

Good boy.

Come on, it's alright.

[Tony] We finally arrived in Jaeger.

It wasn't easy but we made it.

I'm so excited my palms are sweaty.

Let's go and see.

Hmm, yeah.

You, you, you, you, you're from the TV company, am I right or am I right? Yeah.

No, I mean not really.

-Well, are you or aren't you? -We're filming a documentary.

-On hunting, yeah? -Well--

You've come to the right place.

To be honest, we're vegan.

I don't give a damn where you come from.

Look at this.

I caught it myself with my bare hands, my teeth and me foot.

We must free it.

Can't you tell it's dead as a dodo?

Say something, he scares the shit out of me.

Could we possibly ask you something privately?

I was wondering when you'd get around to it.

And you can ask me and I'll answer you now.

Yes.

You are in the presence

of the greatest hunter known to mankind.

How do you think I got this? Skill, wilds, knowledge of the animal.

I have to think like the fish.

Before I go fishing, I smear my face in fish scales, I rub my groin with the insides of fish, I lick their eyes to become one with the fish.

Do you like licking eyes?

You may find it very interesting.

We got to eat it tonight, a barbecue with a little Chianti maybe, and you two are invited.

You could stay at my place.

It's only got one bedroom but I'm sure we can come to some arrangements.

[exhales]

You're probably wondering about scar.

A bear done that to me before I kicked his ass.

I don't mean that as a manner of speaking.

I mean that, literally, I kicked that bear's ass.

I was there, blood pouring down me face, the bear on top of me and I thought no, you're not gonna kill me today, you son of a bitch.

So I remembered an ancient hunter's legend wherein it's written on whatever hunters write it on that the most vulnerable part of a bear when it's angry is its anus.

So I kicked it right up the rusty bullet hole, I kicked and I kicked and I kicked.

And its little brown starfish went from that to that.

It could have shattered bowling ball and it wouldn't have touched the sides.

Instead, its guts fell out and it dropped down dead.

I know what you're thinking.

And in answer to your next question, yes, I did keep the boot.

Since that day all my close friends have called me Bear Raper.

-[Tony] So that was when you lost your arm? -No.

That was a misses.

She chopped it off when she found me sticking my-- my dick in a pig.

But it's not what it sounds like.

It was completely-- I can tell you that story, too, if you like, yeah.

To tell you the truth, we need to ask you about someone.

Oh, yeah, Joe.

-Jim? -Joe.

-Joe. -Jeff, Jeff, Joe. Yeah, Joe.

Yeah, he was a close friend of mine.

He used to call me Bear Raper as well.

-Yeah. -Did he?

Yeah, 'cause my close friends do like-- I think we're gonna be real close friends, you know.

I hope so. I hope so.

Yeah, Joe, I am real close.

-You're a big man, aren't ya? Are you- Well, some say.

-You big like everywhere? -Of course.

Alright. You know, it all matches, does it?

[chuckles]

A normal human being would get lost in these woods but not me.

I never get lost.

I am a hunting god.

This is the only picture we have of him.

Poor sod.

-[Tony] What happened? -[hunter] Boar.

Two years ago.

-Oh, poor thing. -Not really.

If it'd been me, I would have killed the boar and eaten it.

But him, gored him to pieces, ripped him to shreds, a hand over there, a foot over there, penis down there, small, that's how we knew it was him.

The boot that went off the bear's rear.

This is a sacred place.

The hunters come here before they go out to get luck for the day.

I'm not really a fan of a hunt.

Everybody likes hunting.

-But-- -Darling.

Shh! This is a sacred place.

You've seen the boots, you've met the man and now you must go home to your city friends and tell them that today has been the best day of your life.

Godspeed.

Godspeed.

-Now what the heck are you doing? -Shh. Shh.

This is a sacred moment.

Besides, it might have the answers we're looking for.

The boot did talk to me, told me some interesting stuff, but nothing about Joe.

We'd lost hope.

But before leaving for Jaeger, we put our website online called DoYouKnowJoe.

And when we got back, we're amazed at all the baffling responses we got.

[notification alert]

What? Oh, this? This is baba ghanoush.

"Dear Tony and Kacy, Joe served our country with my grandfather."

Or this one.

"I remember that man.

He won Pac-Man World Championship in 1984."

We had dozens of them and it seems as though Joe hadn't aged a day.

Tony was never into technology until he discovered porn.

That's not true.

I've always been fond of technology in spite of our lifestyle.

It's a way of keeping in touch with the world, a connection through the ether with all of the planet's energies.

Out of all the emails we had received, there was an extraordinary one from a lady in Wisconsin.

She wrote us, "There's a picture hanging in the house of my great-grandmother that portrays that man."

Wow.

-How old was Joe? -What is Joe?

For sure he was no vampire.

Vampires don't walk around in the daylight, but Joe did.

Besides, I met a vampire once and I can assure you he had nothing to do with Joe.

He even bit me.

The mark should still be here in my neck.

The scar's visible? Scary, right?

[Kacy] Of all the pictures we had of Joe, there was some sadness in his eyes.

[Tony] It felt like he was always worried about something, something that he wouldn't or couldn't tell anyone.

Did he really die in Jaeger?

Oh, but it doesn't end there.

Someone called Pogo writes, "I own a video with that man in it.

But if you want to see it, you must come to me."

I suppose this is it.

I guess so.

Knock three times, then once, then three times then say, "Yeah, yeah Cthulhu fhtagn!" Okay.

[clears his throat]

Yeah, yeah, Cthulhu fhtagn.

[door opens]

[Kacy] Is anyone Pogo?

[heavy metal music]

[silence]

[heavy metal music]

This is the one.

Pogo, it's us.

-Can you open the door? -[Pogo] Instructions!

Yeah, yeah, Cthulhu fhtaegn.

[Pogo] It's fhtagn.

-Jesus Christ. -Come on, get going. Come on.

Fehtagn.

[Pogo] Fhtagn.

Do you want to open the goddamn door or what?

[Pogo] You've been given clear instructions.

Yeah, yeah, Cthulhu fhtagn.

[Pogo] Come in.

So, looking for this elusive man called Joe? Does he owe you money?

-Did he do you wrong? -Plain curiosity.

You disappoint me, Tony.

-Do you want some? -We're vegan.

Oh.

So, basically, you eat nothing at all.

Exactly. We live off fresh air.

Cool.

I had no idea such a high level of veganism existed.

We don't really live off air.

-Would you be so kind as to show us the video? -Absolutely.

It's already in the machine.

Wrong remote.

Now really pay attention.

[woman] Joe!

Joe! Are you alright?

Thanks God.

Don't worry sweetheart, I'm perfectly fine.

[woman screams]

It's absolutely incredible.

That was freak-tastic! Amazing! I'm speechless!

Tape had been sold to me completely anonymously by this extremely weird guy.

They use one of those voice-changer tools. You know what I'm talking about?

Anyway, I didn't ask myself too many questions about it.

I have to deal with people like that all the time.

Well, you know, a tape about a year ago.

Joe gave the tape to him.

The man who sold him the tape was Joe.

No doubt.

Joe couldn't have died two years ago. Killed by a boar?

Joe is still alive or better yet, he just can't die.

[sighs]

Eternal life.

[soft music]

Oh!

A-ha!

-Oh! -Hey!

It was there, your point.

Emails were piling up.

They were all claiming to have met Joe.

But nobody knew where he was.

[laughing]

[heavy breathing]

You know, my wife and I love to keep in shape.

Just give me a sec to catch my breath.

Then we got this.

They wrote, "I just love what you're doing." How sweet.

Apparently, Joe was a stuntman and a very good one, too.

No way it was out.

-It was out? -Yeah, yeah.

-You sure? You're not cheating? -No, no.

From 1984 to 1999, he took part in twenty-two films.

No, no, don't worry, I can handle this.

I like the contact with plastic.

I'll be fine.

All of which were directed by the same person, someone called Ronald Goodman.

Every day we are one step closer to Joe.

More water, please.

We can only hope that this Ronald Goodman was still alive.

We found out that this is Mr. Goodman's favorite restaurant.

He's been coming here for over 25 years.

Good evening, my fucking cooking slaves!

Who are these shit bags daring to sit at my table? Cynthia!

Please join us, if you will.

Cynthia! Where the hell is everyone in this place?

I wouldn't share my table with some hippie fucks.

I'd take a shit over your precious flowers.

And what are the cameras for? Are you shooting some shitty cooking show?

He doesn't seem like a very nice man.

We would like some information about one of your best stuntmen, Joe, Fearless Joe as you used to call him.

Oh, for the love of Satan, why didn't you say so in the first place?

Cynthia!

I'm so sorry, Sir, I was in the restroom.

I-- I didn't hear you coming in.

-Did you wash your hands, you cruddy girl? -Excuse me?

I really hope you didn't.

[chuckles]

-Will you have the usual? -Yeah. Sitting with these hippie cunts.

Let me eat.

I'll tell you whatever it is you want to know.

Joe was here with him, darling.

Joe was fucking incredible, the most ballsy stuntman I ever worked with.

He used to jump off tall buildings without protection, explosions like no big problem.

He used to crash cars without a seatbelt.

Not even a scratch.

You could not even bruise that motherfucker.

Oh, I remember a time it looked like he'd broken his neck falling from a crane.

It was when we were making my masterpiece, Police Vs Cop. Ha!

That scene had a car chase across two crane booms.

Yeah, naturally, it didn't work.

Joe fell from the car window, bam! He hits the ground, a gory mess.

He's being declared dead for five minutes.

And then, like after some sort of fucking macumba rite, he stands up and he says, "Can we do one more take?"

Can we do one more fucking take?

Can you imagine the size of the balls on that man?

Fucking nut job.

Made me very rich though.

Mr. Goodman acts in good faith, he's a bit gruff but he always buys me nice gifts.

An Asian girl?

Oh, yes, of course, of course! Good-looking rice eater that one.

Joe met her on the set of my seminal masterpiece, Ultra Ninja Revolution.

¶¶¶


[screaming]

Notice clan, I will have my revenge.

I don't think so.

Damn.

That frog scene is one of my favorites.

Truly epic.

But you know what was a blast? The final scene.

Fucking awesome.


I love you, Golden Swallow.

Me, too.

[screams]

"Me too," and zack! She stabbed that motherfucker.

Her name?

You expect me to remember the name of some rice shitting slut?

Look it up on the internet, you old fossil hippie.

Kelly Chen.

I have an amazing wife.

Excuse me, I think I need to take a shit.

Cynthia!

That night at the restaurant, KC was feeling particularly inspired.

Inspired, yes,

to write a song.

Song about--

song about Joe.

So beautiful.

So beautiful.

I will leave everyone...

[slow Asian music]


[singing along]


Terrific! I fucking love that woman.

Let's do it again.

-Okay. -Come on. Come on. I'll start. Let's start.

[Tony] If you think about it, it's insane.

I mean how many lives could Joe have lived and how many times did he die?

[Kacy] But most of all, why is it that every time he covers his tracks? I mean if I couldn't die, I would want to share it with everybody.

You know, maybe it could help them saving someone's life.

Oh, look.

[chuckles]

Explosion Fest.

"The one and only festival of cinema exploitation."

This sounds like fun.

Come on.

[Kelly] So Tony and Kacy, thanks.

You really watched this crap?

You don't seem like the types.

Anyway, that will be ten pounds.

To be honest, we came here to ask you about Joe.

[Kelly] I've been obviously engaged with Joe for two years.

We started heading our way before.

We couldn't go on public because I was underage.

He was my first true love.

I will never forget him. After we shot the video, everything changed.

He was sweet, always nice to me, such a kind-hearted person.

After that video I just could not see him as the same way as before.

I've had nightmares for years.

I will be in therapy.

Sometimes I still suddenly wake up in the middle of night with the word ringing in my ears.

"I'm perfectly fine, sweetheart."

"Nothing's fine.

For Christ's sake you-- you can't shoot your own face and then get up like this as nothing ever happened."

[weeping]

No.

He is so, so, so sensitive.

That's why I love him.

[Kelly] I wasn't happy anymore and then he left.

Joe knew.

But the truth I still want to be with him.

This is the first connection with him since long time.

We were at a loss.

All of the pictures, the contacts, anyone that had anything to do with Joe all turned out to be a dead end.

Pass me that.

We thought long and hard.

What we were about to do was not right.

But we had to know.

At that point we realized that Joe was more important than anything else we were involved in.

Oh yeah, emails were decreasing and we were at a dead end.

Darling, you already said that.

Right.

So we went back to Pogo and had him make a copy of Joe's video to put it online.

But when we got back,

we found this in the letterbox.

Challenge accepted.

Come on, let's show these youngins how to play.

Yeah, yeah.

What's that? Little ducky is lost in the bubbles at the end of the bath.

We can save him.

[simulates rocket]

Little ducky saved once more.

"Dear Tony and Kacy, I get your curiosity about me but all the media hype you're drawing to me is making my life impossible.

I beg you to stop it now.

Yours truly, Joe."

Oops.

He just signed himself as Joe.

He knew there was no need to add anything else.

He was Joe.

And the one thing he would never have given up was his name.

We didn't realize it right away but we had created a case.

One of the most renowned movie websites had dedicated its entire homepage to him.

I went to check out their latest trailers and there he was, Joe in all his glory.

And it was written in big letters: HE'S STILL ALIVE!

We made such a mess, but we didn't mean to.

And all because of that foolish curiosity.

We are foolish, foolish people.

We'd almost intend to give it all up, leave Joe alone, him and his enviable immortal life.

But we had started a chain reaction which swamped us worse than a tsunami.

[sighs] Nature's force.

[chuckles]

The police are on Joe's tracks.

I suspected the CIA, FBI or some other agency we didn't know the name of was involved.

[siren wailing]

[cop] When was the last time you saw Mr. Joseph Jonathan Johnson?

I already told you.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

What do you want from me? I was preparing guacamole.

The avocados will go brown if you don't let me go home.

[cop] Perhaps you want a lawyer.

I don't trust the establishment.

Besides, I've nothing I need to defend myself from.

And then he took out a picture of Joe.

-Why are you looking for Joe? -[cop] So you do know him.

You know that since making false statements, I could arrest you for obstructing justice.

-Actually I-- -You're hiding him, right?

Look, I'm not hiding anything or anyone.

You dragged me here in my pajamas and I didn't even had breakfast yet.

And I have a meditation class at nine.

If you don't mind, I mean.

I have nothing to say about Joe.

May I ask what did he do?

He disappeared, as you may have noticed.

What I can say is that there is this really bad B-movies production which still has him under contract.

Are you really sure you have nothing to tell us about Joe?

For instance, this website of yours, right?

Well, I have nothing more to say.

Go on, arrest me if you want but I'm keeping my mouth shut.

You are not being detained.

Let me remind you that you came here of your own free will in your pajamas right after our phone call.

There is the door. You can leave whenever you want.

It was a reenactment.

We couldn't film inside, so reenactment.

In the meantime-

¶¶¶

The whole world was going crazy for Joe.


Ladies, who wants my big gun tonight? Boom, boom!

Hello.

Boom. Boom. Boom!

Oh.

Fuck!

Sorry.

Sorry.

Ow, ow, cramp, cramp.

You haven't seen it yet, right?

-Ouch, easy! Easy! -Alright, that's okay.

Of course, you haven't seen it. We'll show you.

Could that be Joe?

I'm fine. I'm fine. Thanks, darling.

But, you know, I-- I got positive vibes, vibes that could come only from Joe.

And my wife is never wrong.

They think they're so clever.

But you can't fool an old paranoid conspiracy theorist like me.

It's been parked there since I was interrogated by the police.

But now I'll take care of it.

[Kacy] It's our neighbors, darling.

He parks it there every night.

I don't buy it.

Nevertheless, we had to do something for Joe.

We could head to Jaeger.

He was too smart for that.

-What we needed was some bait to-- -[doorbell ringing]

Kacy, dear, were you expecting anyone?

Please don't tell me it's the Smiths because I really don't think my karma could handle them right now.

That woman always complaining about everybody, making those faces like [making fun] "I'm so much better than them."

-Actually, I am not expecting anyone and-- -[knocking on door]

--the Smiths, they moved to Provence at least five years ago.

[doorbell ringing]

Oh, fuck, we are going to die.

Tell Kacy I love her.

Sweetheart, don't come in here.

So? This is how you welcome an old friend?

A little longer.

Just a bit more.

Ah, Joe.

Those sad eyes.

[thunder rolling]

[Tony] You remember this one?

Or this? How could you forget Police Vs Cop?

Fantastic.

Ah!

And he's my favorite of all.

Hi-ya!

It's good.

Oh, this, this is incredible.

I didn't even know all this stuff existed.

Cool.

So much sadness.

I had to do something.

What are you doing?

Those times are over.

No, no, it's not what you're thinking.

But if you look at me like that-

I said no.

Place your palms against mine.

I'll transfer you some positive energy.

I can do without.

I'm loaded.

I'm so loaded I could explode.

He's tripping on shrooms.

He took some today to get some painting done in the early morning and the effects haven't worn off yet.

He calls it creative boost.

Can you feel it, Joe? Is it coming?

-Honestly, I-- -It's too soon, Joe, but it will come.

Place your forehead against mine.

[sighs]

There, now you should feel it.

You know what? I'm tired, really tired.

It's you.

It's your portrait.

I did it with my body.

The interview.

What I was trying to say is that living for over two hundred years is crap.

I'm sick of it, bored.

I don't know what happiness is anymore.

I had to switch identities so many times because people start asking questions.

So what would you say to them? "Hey, you know I'm fucking immortal?"

He admitted it.

He really was immortal.

And also I cannot stand to see others die while I don't change a single fucking second.

I tried to hang myself, beheading, hara-kiri, electrocution.

I've filmed every single attempt.

I wouldn't recommend electrocution, by the way.

It melts your eyes.

All the vitreous humor comes out.

It looks like egg white.

Nothing works.

I'm still here.

We will help you out.

And Joe smiled.

A smile that warmed my heart.

¶¶¶

[buzzer]

[buzzer]

[buzzer]

[buzzer]

[buzzer]

[buzzer]

[buzzer]

[buzzer]

[buzzer]

[buzzer]

[buzzer]

[buzzer]

[buzzer]

Nothing. Nothing works.

Uh, you-- you have something.

-Where? -Let me.

Vegan sausages.

Do you want some?

After all that activity, I am super starving.

We had to do something for poor Joe as soon as possible.

Something inside me was burning; an idea that was slowly getting clear and that could do the trick.

Yes, absolutely starving.

You motherfucking son of a white trash bitch.

I-- I called her.

Didn't expect such a reaction.

She always had her own way of showing love to me.


Things seem to have quieted down.

Look over my shoulder.

Leave them alone.

But this is good stuff.

One last karaoke, please?

I'd love to sing.

And she's very good at it.

So it's a yes?

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

It's okay.

It's okay.

¶¶¶


This is good, man.

I know.

Kacy and I grow it ourselves.

Only farm-to-table goods with us.

-How fucked up. -Mm-hm.

Are you still able to read palms?

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Come on, surely you must remember.

[Joe] You're stoned. I don't need to piss.

Oh, Anwa used to read palms.

That's--

That's-- oh my!

-What? -That's the solution I was trying to remember.

Anwa.

Okay, no idea what you're talking about.

Anwa.

Anwa was one of Tony's first love interests.

She was fifteen and taught him all about love.

Those black eyes, dark as night.

I'll never forget them.

Anwa is a shaman.

According to Tony, she is one of the most powerful shamans he's ever met.

[Tony] One time she bought a dead cat back to life and he was angry as fuck and we had to kill him.

She removed a cast from Tony.

For some time he was convinced that he was damned because every time we attempted to make love, suddenly he couldn't get it up.

"It's that witch that lives across the street," he said, "She did it because I refused to get dressed because I was painting with my body in the garden."

That's it.

I'm done. We can leave if you want.

Give me a second.

Can you feel this breeze?

It's Mother Gaia caressing us.

Wonderful.


This must be the place.

Tony loves paying surprise visits.

I admit I'm a little excited.

[Perro] Hello.

Why did you come? It's you.

-Yes. -[Perro] It's you.

Yes.

[Perro] It's you.

Oh, finally, you find me.

I've been waiting ten years.

But finally you find me, the mighty Perro Callejero.

Perro...

Okay, okay, you can stop hugging me, huh?

Okay.

-Is Anwa at home? -Who?

Anwa, the greatest shaman of all time.

Wait, you tell me you're not here for the interview with the mighty, only one and only Perro Callejero?

-What interview? -I think this is going to take longer than we expected.

Make yourself comfortable.

Yeah, I want to see where this is going.

Well, actually-

-[Joe] You still can't say no, right? -[Kacy] You bet.

Yes, yes.

The interview with me.

Okay, I wait ten years for the interview to happen with the mighty Perro Callejero.

-Enough. Do you want to see my signature move? -Yes.

-Please. -Hey man, we must have come to the wrong house.

Sorry. We're leaving.

No.

No, no, please, don't leave.

Please.

I no see nobody for ten years.

It's you I dream.

Please.

Please stay.

Hello, greetings, my fans.

You know maybe many of you wonder what happened to Perro Callejero.

Shut up.

Perro Callejero, and my manager and I, we say- he say maybe you team up, maybe it's time to disappear.

So we wanted to stage a little disappearing act.

We go away for ten years.

And I come to here, and I hide and I disappear and I come back to the nature, back to Pollo Loco, back to where Perro Callejero come from, because I need to come and relax and come time for me.

My manager say don't worry, they come to find you.

And finally you found me.

Finally you find me.

But now I come back.

And I got a message for Calabron.

Calabron, remember me? Remember my face, Calabron?

Remember that time when I take your face and I smash you into? And I do the last move I ever made.

I come back, but not without you.

Thank you. And this is my story.

[Joe] Totally worth it.

Come on fellas, we should get moving.

We have a shaman to find.

-Fellas? -Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Hey, don't go.

I want one match with any one of you.

-Whatever you want, El Perro Callejero. -No, no, no.

You.

-Why? Why did you do that? -I-- I-- I don't know.

Is he okay?

Perro.

Perro.

We'd better go. Now.

Yes, I'd like to speak with Madam Bones if it's possible.

That's her stage name.

What do you mean she's dead?

I see.

And I'd like to speak with Miss Blackheart then.

Could you repeat that please? Yes, yes. Okay.

Thanks for stopping.

I need a moment.

[Tony] Send your positive energy to her in the sky.

Anwa, can you hear us?

This is for you, sweet Anwa.

These last days have been intense.

These two deserve to be immortal and to spend together every fucking day for all eternity.

Look what happened.

That guy was as hard as a rock.

What? Anwa?

Poor, poor thing.

Today I lost a piece of my heart.

But I look ahead to the future and I see that there's hope for Joe.

And this comforts me.


I'm not the climber I once was.

We are almost here at Miss Blackheart's farm, Anwa 's daughter.

Apparently, she became a shaman just as good as her mother.

[breathing heavily]

Jasmine.

Jasmine.

Dad!

Oh my.

What did she say again?

I knew you'd come back one day.

Anwa became pregnant with Jasmine just before I met Kacy.

I was in love with a lot of women at that time.

But Kacy, she stole my heart right away.

That girl had a lot to tell us.

Anwa didn't tell me she was pregnant because she could see how strong my love for Kacy was.

Now I'm a father.

[crying]

He's not crying again, right?

So this, in broad terms, is Joe's story.

It's a complicated situation.

-I'm not sure if I can-- -Don't worry, sweetheart.

I know you can make it.

I can try.

Well, we have already tried everything.

One more try won't kill anyone.

It's a complex ritual.

It requires significant groundwork.

I have all the time in the world.

-What does this ritual consist of? -It's a transfer ritual.

So we transfer his immortality to another spirit.

And what about the spirit to whom you transfer his immortality?

It doesn't matter once they welcome it.

Don't look at me, I don't want it for sure.

I've never had a fight with Kacy, never.

This was the first time.

We both wanted to be immortal without giving consideration to the feelings of the other.

I feel so guilty about telling those horrendous things to Tony.

Thirst for power drives you blind.

In the end we went for an impartial decision.

Stop, stop!

You've been bickering for four fucking hours!

Immortality is mine.

So we do as I say.

Now come here and grab one each.

The one who gets the longest will have this fucking damnation.

Now shut it up!

I can hardly hear myself think.

I won!

The Devil's Rock is there.

It's a very ancient and complex ritual.

It consists of four stages in total.

The first three are preliminary, the fourth one closes the circle.

The first one is a simple cleansing process.

Whatever happens, you mustn't interfere with the ritual or it won't work.

Do you understand?

My heart is pounding.

I'm going to be immortal.

I still can't believe it.

It will work.

This time it will.

This is a purified stone.

It helps to get rid of all the impurities you've come across on your path.

You rub it on your left hand until completely red.

I just wanted to hold Kacy tight and caress her.

She was really suffering.

And all because she wanted to help Joe.

Such a good soul.

[Jasmine] Step two, now on your knees, put your hands on the rock and don't move for any reason.

I'll see you in twelve hours.

You've got to let their spirits mix with the magical energy as it emanates from the stone until they become one.

It takes time to achieve this.

[chatting]

Don't relax too much.

Are you sure you haven't taken your hand off the rock?

-Two hundred percent. -Absolutely.

Step three.

Listen to me very carefully.

For this phase you need to have complete sexual intercourse.

It wasn't necessary at all.

I hate that manipulative bitch.

Take that for everything you put my mother through.

Don't worry, babe, do it.

Wouldn't be the first time.

We don't need to shoot this.

[Jasmine] Step four. With this stone you have to work your way to Joe's heart, then grab it with your bare hands and devour it.

[crying]


Eat it!

Eat the fucking heart.

Don't puke.

I can't.

-Eat it! -I can't.

I'm vegan.

Eat it!

Eat the fucking heart. Eat it!

Don't puke or you'll ruin everything we've worked for.

Eat it!

Eat us!

[coughing]


Good job.

You're now an immortal.

That's it.

I'm no longer immortal.

And I'm gonna prove it to you now.

This is my last message to the world, and all I want to say to you before I go is

thank you.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

For the first time in ages, literally, in ages, I'm scared to die.

This is awesome.

Unbelievable.

I've been through all the struggle and now I don't want to die anymore.

If Joe no longer wants to die, then it means I-

I've made up my mind.

I want to die of old age, or at least I'll let nature follow its course.

Maybe I'll call back to Kelly on my hands and knees, take her out to dinner and to the karaoke where we will sing all night long and we will age together finally.

[giggles]

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

It's an awesome feeling.

One way or other, we had to check if the ritual had worked.

I hope it worked.

I asked Joe to stay a few more days until we had verified the effectiveness of the ritual.

I also needed some moral support to cut my wife into pieces.

So, let's go with the first test.

Ready?

No, no, no, please, stop, stop, stop.

Maybe we could start from, I don't know, a finger?

Your call. I'm just the executioner.

Joe, could you give me a hand with this?

Now don't move because I must be surgically precise.

Ready?

[screaming]

Oops.

Joe, get me something.

I might have cut her a little too high.

What a couple of fuckers.

[giggling]

Stop.

We shouldn't. We shouldn't.

Thanks.

How long should it take to grow back?

Oh, I don't think this is how it works.

I guess she has to die before she can regenerate.

Ah.

I have an idea.

Kacy.

This reminds me of when we first met.

Tony, focus.

Right.

Kacy, listen to me.

It doesn't work like this.

You have to die before you can regenerate.

Good.

But choose carefully how you want to die because this is your first time and it has to be special.

Very good observation. Do you want a puff?

[mumbling]

What?

Tony...

You are going to have to speak louder because I'm having trouble hearing you.

I think she is--

What's the time?

Ah, it's 9:45 in the morning.

Cause of death, natural causes.

Dear Kacy, look at you.

This is her first death.

I'm so excited.

Joe.

-How long should it take? -Well, how long has it been?

I lost my sense of time a long time ago.

Kacy?

Kacy.

Oh God, please don't-- Wake the fuck up, Kacy.

Kacy!

Please, please, no.

Kacy.

[crying]

It's not your fault, man.

No.

Kacy.

Kacy.

I'm sorry.

[soft music]


[siren wailing]

-[banging on door] -Police! Open the door, sir.

Fuck you, immortality.

¶¶¶


¶¶¶


[music ends]