Fun Mom Dinner (2017) Script

You are not just a mom.

You are a hot, hot, single lady.

Oh, God. Mom!

Just a second, sweetie!

You are a well-educated... female person... with a very big... set of tits.

Mommy! Fuck me. Coming!

All right, Momma's bringing in the big board. Let's do this.

Gracie, do you have your show-and-tell, honey?

Yes, you do. Good girl!

Will, buddy, helmet and pads?

Are those boys still giving you a hard time at practice?

Okay, well, screw football.

How about glee club, huh? Show tunes!

Mommy, can we listen to singing music on the way to school?

No, honey, I like to listen to news in the morning.

Can I play on your phone? Nope.

Amelia!

You know we don't do screams before school.

He took his diaper off! Poop!

' Oh! Fuck! Poop!

♪ Been running so long ♪

♪ I've nearly lost all track of time ♪

♪ In every direction ♪

♪ I couldn't see the warning signs ♪

♪ >a' I must be losin' it ♪

♪ 'Cause my mind plays tricks on me ♪

♪ It looked so easy ♪

♪ But you know looks sometimes deceive ♪

♪ Been running so fast ♪

♪ Right from the starting line ♪

♪ No more connections ♪

♪ I don't need any more advice ♪

♪ One hand's just reaching out ♪

♪ And one's just hangin' on ♪

♪ It seems my weaknesses ♪

♪ Just keep going strong ♪

♪ Head over heels ♪

♪ Where should I go ♪

♪ Can't stop myself Outta control ♪

♪ Head over heels No time to think ♪

♪ Looks like the whole world's out of sync♪

♪ Head over heels Where should I go ♪

♪ Can't stop myself Outta control ♪

♪ Head over heels No time to think ♪

♪ Looks like the whole world's out of sync♪

Good afternoon, Jen. Gorgeous day we're having, huh?

Got that sun dialled up to a 10.

It is. It's so bright out, do you really need that flashlight?

I probably wouldn't have seen Greyson pick his nose and wipe it on the back of your seat without it, huh? Don't worry. They all do it.

I got you. Oh.

Hey! Shit!

Owen is begging for a play date with the boys. You gotta come over.

Oh! Oh, hey, uh, this is the call I'm expecting.

Silent. It's on silent.

Hey, Sally.

Whoa, uh... Orange cones, no phones.

I was buying milk. I'm out of milk.

Well, there's a Trader Joe's right around the corner.

Yeah, well, I don't do markets, okay?

So please just give me my phone, Melissa.

Uh, uh, Melody.

I mean... It's Melanie, Kate.

God, we've been going to the same school for five years?

Just give me my phone, please, Melanie.

Hey, what the...?

Are those car seats even installed properly?

And does this beauty even have anti-lock brakes?

Yes. Obviously it does.

And power windows.

Seriously?

We had a big day and then Teacher Sherry witnessed Amelia offering her spot on the green rug.

The empathy that displays, Amelia, it's... it's profound.

Come on, you two get in here.

You both are settling in beautifully to your first month at school. Aren't you?

Yeah. Bit of a relief. Right?

Yes. All right, bug, come on. Let's go get our stuff, huh?

Have an amazing day. So great to see you. Thank you. You too.

Yay! Okay, hold still. Oh, that's one cute cubby.

Rose-budding really takes it to the next level.

Rose-budding!

Ooh, that'll get a lot of likes, right?

Now I get the iPad, Mommy?

As soon as we get in the car, sweetie, okay?

As soon as we get in the car. And don't forget, you get to sleep at your daddy's house tonight, and Mommy gets some alone time.

Can't even remember what that's like.

Hey, I know this is kind of last minute, but Melanie - you know, Grace's mom? - she and I are going out tomorrow night.

I got us a reservation in this new tapas place.

Would you wanna join? Uh, topless?

Yeah, topless place. I thought, you know, sexy dancers, little appetizers.

No. Tapas. Oh, my God!

Tapas. Tapas!

Yeah, no, tapas. Wow, yeah, that would be really nice. Thank you.

Yeah, we like to do these fun mom dinners every couple of weeks.

Lots of wine, no kids. It's kind of heaven.

Yeah, sounds like it. Hi, ladies.

Hey, Mel, guess what. Emily is gonna join us for dinner tomorrow night.

Oh, fantastic. Ls that okay?

Yeah, it's great. I love welcoming new moms to the Happy Days community.

I can't wait to hear your story, Emily.

Um, would it be okay if I invited Kate?

Kate with the twin boys? Yeah.

Wait. Are you friends with her?

Yeah, yeah, we went to high school together.

That's how I got Amelia in here so last minute when we moved.

Kate doesn't usually do stuff with us other moms, or even return my emails, but I know she got it, 'cause I have that sent-return thing.

But since you guys are so close, if you wanna invite her, I mean, that's fine, she could come with us, yeah.

That'd be wonderful. Okay, no, I'll mention it to her later.

That sounds great. Thank you, guys.

Gotta go. Bye. Thank you. Bye.

I like your skirt. It's so pretty. Oh, thanks.

I bet my left tit that bitch Kate doesn't come.

Hello, gorgeous.

Shut up!

Mom!! He took it!

I'm in the playoff!

Where are you?!

Where are you?!

Whoa, whoa!

One at a time, dudes, one at a time.

Make them shut up, okay? I'm in the playoffs!

The twins knocked over my Legos and I have to poop.

Oh, get in there, go. Get in there, go.

He took my sabre! Because it's mine!

Okay-

There you go. Downstairs.

Have fun.

Daddy's calling you.

Hey. Sorry I couldn't talk to you at pick-up.

I can't take hanging around that place.

Oh, guess who got a poop facial and taught our kid how to say the F word?

Oh, wait, you had shit on your face and you're worried your kid learned the word fuck? You don't understand.

I never swear in front of them, is the thing.

Shit, I'd be more worried about pink eye. How is it possible that this kid still has the S-H-I-T-S?

Well, now you know what you're really missing out on when you're pulling those 12-hour workdays.

It's incredible to me that my life still revolves around other people's S-H-I-T. I can't believe it.

Oh, I can.

You're good at this.

Do it again? Okay.

I love it, Emily.

You look beautiful. Oh, really?

I feel like you've never seen me with my hair brushed.

Hey, I'm home. Hey... Hey.

Daddy's home! Oh, Amelia Bedelia!

How you doing? Oh, my goodness.

Oh, gosh, are we busy making some drawings here?

What the...?

Wow, honey, this is, um... this is an interesting one.

Wh-what exactly is going on here?

It's a whale spraying Mommy. Um...

I... I guess I didn't know Mommy was into that sort of thing, but, uh, okay.

All right.

Oh, sorry. Sorry.

Okay, I'm gonna, uh... I'll just get changed and...

He's got this thing about messing up my lipstick.

Is this, like, Top Chef or something? Are we gonna be judged on our work? Thank you.

No, it's a delivery thing, man.

It's a startup, which I should've invested in.

It's all local and organic and sustainable.

And they just drop it off for you.

What drops it off, an electric tractor being pulled by a rescue dog?

Thanks, Kate.

This is literally farm to table, you guys.

Farm to table.

Straight from the farm. Straight to the table.

To the... Right to the table. Are you kidding me?

There's no middleman. Oh, my God.

Well, thank you so much for having us over so we could make our own dinner. This is great.

Kate, I think it's awesome, I think it's super creative, and I like it.

Thanks, Em. Don't cut yourself, now.

All right. Let's do this. Okay? Okay. Yeah.

Right. Do you wanna do the... chop up the veggies?

What's up with the sauce?

Just a little... Oh, no, no, no, hold on.

Throw the veggies in first and then the sauce goes...

I think it'll just... No, no. It's like this for a reason.

You know, sometimes, recipes are in a specific order for a reason.

It's gonna screw the whole thing up if... Ahem.

It cooks together... Okay, it's fine. Did you guys...

Do you have any of that yellow sauce leftover?

Mm-hmm, yep. Kind of wasted all of ours.

Um...

Yeah, I think, uh, this move's gonna be great for us.

Yeah. And great for us, Em.

We get to hang like the old times, just the girls.

Speaking of just the girls, a couple of the moms from school asked me out for a fun mom dinner.

That sounds awful. Hey, it's a fun mom dinner.

How can it not be, you know, fun?

Shut the fuck up, hon. Which ones were they?

One of them was named Jamie.

I know her. I mean, I don't "know" know her.

I follow her on Instagram.

She's a bit of an over-sharer.

Seriously, Andrew? Jesus, I mean, some wives would be pissed about this.

I think I'm just embarrassed for you. Here. Whoa.

#sharedcustody?

# metime?

Fuck, if it's me time, why feel the need to share it with us?

Who's the other mom? Melanie.

Okay, that woman is bat-shit crazy.

I think she runs a fight club in the Helping Hand yard.

No, they're trying to be nice. You have to get out of it.

Just say Wyatt's sick or something.

No, don't listen to her, Em. And you should go too, babe.

Honey, I think this is great. You should make more friends, you should, you know, widen your circle.

Widen your circle? That's super sexual.

Yeah, maybe it is sexual. So what?

You're just gonna widen it, take a look around.

Oh! Speaking... of sexual innuendo... look what I found in the move.

What is it? Oh, my God.

It's our sex questionnaire from sophomore year.

We answered every question with Jake Ryan.

Yes! And it marked the birth of the I Love Jake Club.

The I love who? Jake Ryan from Sixteen Candles.

That was our movie. Jake Ryan is like the perfect guy.

I've never heard about any of this.

There were two presidents and two members.

You guys started a club and there's only two people in it?

That's adorable and sad. Let me see this.

Yeah, you two can't be in the club. What?!

- HEY- HEY-

All yours.

You wanna watch a little John Oliver?

No.

Oh, hey, would you mind taking Amelia to school tomorrow so I can go work out?

No... fucking... way.

What?

" Mommy!

Hey, shhh, shhh, shhh...

Mommy's here.

Don't forget to go pee-pee. Remember last time?

Did you really just tell me to go pee-pee? I did.

'Cause I don't have to. I came prepared.

Oh! Sam's pull-up is tight as fuck!

Oh, that is so wrong.

You push out two more kids and see if you don't need one.

Hey, what's going on with you?

Tom stuff again?

No.

Yes.

You seemed happy last night.

Please tell me you went home and had drunk sex. Oh, please, hardly.

Tom has zero interest in sex. Forget sex.

I haven't had a hug in months. Oh.

The last hug I got, I think, was from Teacher Sherry.

Kind of felt a little something.

Okay, ladies, positions, please.

Come on, ladies, positions, please.

We need to talk about this. Dinner tonight?

I wanna see those knees to cheeks.

Five, six, seven, eight, and go down, down, down, down, down, down! That's it. Ugh!

Good thing this is an overnight. Whoo!

Ooh, down, down, down! Ooh, higher!

Let me hear you say whoo!

Whoo! Whoo!

I do not get this. Do you know how to do Instagram?

I'm stuck.

Hey, good timing. I just got a text from Kate a minute ago who's gonna be here in five, so... Oh, I texted Andrew.

We're gonna go hang out over there for a bit.

Oh, are you sure it's a good idea, 'cause it's a school night, and you know if Wyatt falls asleep in the car, he's never gonna transfer.

It will be great, babe. The kids'll have fun.

Oh, fun, what a concept.

No, you don't get to do the "we never have fun anymore" thing.

I'm babysitting tonight so you can go out and have fun.

You're babysitting, Tom?! Yeah.

It's not babysitting when they're your kids.

Yeah, it is. No, it's parenting.

You're splitting hairs there, but, yeah, sure, I mean, both.

His green blanket is in the dryer.

Do not forget it if you go out. You'll be so sorry.

Are you listening to any of this right now?

Come on. Uh, yeah, yeah, the diaper and the, um, the blankets, it's no problem.

Okay. All right, you know what?

I need to take a quick shower. All right.

Good luck with that.

Have a good night. Okay.

Goodbye.

Good bye.

But I was just thinking I needed to take a quick shower.

Please. What?

Tell me you didn't do this.

I kind Of did.

Looks like your classic ambush move.

That Emily is sneaky.

I like her.

I thought this was just gonna be the two of us, talking about you and Tom and shitty life stuff.

I know. I didn't wanna come alone.

I'm sorry I tricked you, okay?

I just wanted a night where I am not thinking about Tom.

I need it Oprah? Gayle? Care to open up your friendship circle?

Let's go, come on.

One hour, that is it. And you fucking owe me.

Come on. I love you.

Melanie, you look hot. You look great.

I mean, what else are we supposed to bring to snack share?

I mean, we've got three kids allergic to gluten, a tree nut, two soys, and that kid with the zipper thing?

Oh, that kid is not allergic to zippers. No fucking way.

But it's on the list. He's just scared of them.

That's more of an emotional allergy.

Yes, I did the ROTC thing in college, and I came this close to joining the Armed Forces, you know?

I still think about it.

You cannot get me out of my 'tigues on the weekends.

I miss telling people at parties that I was a lawyer, you know?

Except for I never went to parties, because I never left the office before 9:00.

And then there was, like, the rare occasion that I did make it home by bedtime, and Amelia was calling her nanny "Mama."

Now that Lexie is with Theo part of the time, I actually have time to myself.

So I started consulting with this engineering firm.

Plus I'm training for a half-marathon, and I get to sleep - and I'm talking real sleep.

That is why you look so good. Thank you. I appreciate that.

You know, she would never admit it, but she was my saving grace.

Some of my friends got so weird after I got separated.

You would not believe, once you're single, that these ladies do not want you around their husbands.

I never saw it coming with my friends, but not Melanie.

You were always inviting me out all the time.

Sometimes, she even had to use brute physical force to get me out of the house.

That I believe. Oh, she speaks.

What should we talk about, Kate? You know, so we're interesting to you.

I mean, we've all shared. What's your deal?

Melanie. God. That's a little harsh, don't you think?

I don't, actually. Emily, I can speak for myself.

It's true. Don't wanna be here.

What can I say? I'm mom'd out.

First there were the moms from when Lucas started school, and then the Sam moms, more play dates, more school meetings, the juicing, the coffees. I'm over it.

I don't wanna know what birthday parties are being planned.

I don't give a fuck about the best Mommy and Me yoga or Mommy and Me anything.

And I especially don't wanna hear that super-cute thing their kid said, did, wrote, or fucking sang, I mean, come on, you want me to go on?

No, that's okay. I think we got the idea.

But just for the record, Melanie and I do not juice.

I knew you were a bitch. I knew it.

Melanie, I'm sorry, I know you don't like me because I'm not engaged and involved in...

No, no, no, no, no, no. My problem with you isn't that you don't do shit while the rest of us do the shit.

My problem with you is that you walk around like you're too good to do any shit at all.

You took my phone yesterday, for fucksake! And my car wasn't even moving!

Jesus, just admit you take stuff a little too far.

When you admit you were texting and driving. I was buying milk!

A mother can never run out of milk!

Come on. You know what?

This is bullshit, I'm done here. Let's get the cheque.

No, Melanie, come on. No, no, no, don't go.

I love that you're a traffic-safety person. Thank you.

Come on, you don't wanna miss the tartufo.

You're right. I'm not leaving. I want my tartufo. And I want a scotch.

Because then you got your something sweet and you got something to cut the sweet.

She should leave.

Oh, with pleasure.

Oh, uh... she drove. No.

Mel, this is not good. Come on, we all have to see one another at school tomorrow and for the whole rest of the year. Don't do this.

Fine, but I cannot believe I'm missing Forensic Files for this shit.

You know, order me a scotch.

Three fingers, one cube.

Don't... even think about trying to convince me to come back in.

Don't worry.

I'm just gonna wait here a minute and then tell them I couldn't find you.

What the hell is that?

Something you could desperately use.

Here, peace pipe.

So basically you just need to choose the picture you want...

Oh, my God. Jamie, you matched with someone!

I did? That's so exciting.

Yikes. I don't know if I'm ready for this.

Ah, dating at my age?

Why do all the men look like weary grandpas?

No, no, no, no, come on. It's fun to look.

Let's start with looking.

He's cute.

I used to smoke the doobage from time to time.

Yeah, all right, I'll toke up.

But you're still a massive cunt. You know that, right?

I'm guessing you haven't done this in a while.

Yeah, it's been like 15 years.

Here's how it works in the 21st century. See this?

Yeah. You push it down.

Okay. Okay.

Okay, now we're cooking with gas.

That's a friend I remember.

Wow. Maybe there's more to you than being just a big asshole.

Wait, I'm confused. Am I an asshole or a cunt?

Because there is a big difference between the two.

True.

Although sometimes in the dark my husband can't tell.

Have you heard anything about a... fight club on the Helping Hand yard?

Huh? No. I never heard about that. You know, never mind.

Hi. Hey.

What'd we miss? Good evening.

Good evening.

Oh, we're gonna need a bigger boat.

Yeah, I think we need one more of, uh... everything. Everyone.

Everything. Thank you. This one's mine.

I'm so glad we're doing this.

Emily acted like it was gonna be so hard to bring the kids over here.

Yeah, man, totally. Kate gets like that too sometimes, like super wound up about stuff. Just pay no mind.

Yeah.

Oh, what's going on, buddy?

Oh, okay.

All right. He wants his blankie.

Blankie?

His blankie?

His blankie.

Oh, fuck.

Marijuana makes me really paranoid, but I'll take a little puff.

Yeah, Jamie.

Pass that. There's something so classic about a perfectly rolled joint.

Mm, yeah. I like to go old school sometimes, with a classic Brazilian bikini wax.

Brazilian's retro now? Oh, not even. They're like totally out.

What? You think that's crazy?

Check out this. Look at this. I'm hungry.

This is crazy. Vajazzling.

Oh, my God! Whoa.

Very popular now. Wait. She shaves off all the hair on her vagina God's given her and takes a handful of crystals and some Elmer's Glue and sprinkles up a little design?

Is that what she does?

What kind of woman wants sand on her vagina...

What are you doing in there?

I see a lot of feet. I got it.

Hi. How are you?

What a cute little outfit.

Is it your birthday?

Are you smoking in here? Of course we're not smoking.

You know what? I think the manager would like to know what's going on.

Hey, wait a minute.

I have an idea.

How about we send an ice-cream sundae over to your table?

You know, like a little surprise for keeping a secret?

I want a steak. Damn.

New York Strip, medium rare.

And a coke.

Fine. Fine.

Great talking to you.

That little girl is fucking intense!

If that's what I'm missing out on, then, no, thank you.

Oh, no. Did we do that?

Oh, shoot! Oh, my God!

Okay! Oh, my God!

Let's go through the back. We don't wanna get caught in here!

Oh, my God!

Do you hear that? Are those sirens?

Ladies, I believe this is a dine-and-dash situation.

Let's move out!

If we're staying out later, I gotta text my hubby.

Oh, good idea. And I'll text Andrew and he can tell Tom.

Okay-

♪ Better stop dreaming of the quiet life ♪

♪ 'Cause it's the one we'll never know ♪

♪ And quit running for that runaway bus 'Cause those rosy days are few ♪

♪ And stop apologizing... ♪ Oh, wait! Ladies, ladies, hold up, hold up.

Come here. Ladies, quick question.

Do you mind if we make a quick pit stop? I love me some Walgreens.

You're gonna love it, too, because guess what.

Boom, I got a motherfucking gift card!

Hey, bud, see? This is the same colour as your blankie.

Maybe that works. What do you think?

Nope. Okay. I think we have to go, man.

Daddy, you promised I could watch it.

Please, please, please!

I know, honey. I'm sorry. You know what, man? I got an idea.

Hey, come with me.

This way, please.

Where are we going? Step right up", to the magic swing set.

Right in here, my man.

It's all right, buddy. Bring him on in. May I?

Sure. What are you doing?

Don't question me. I got four of these.

That's what I thought. I have two.

I got myself involved in the swing set.

Can I have that, please? Thank you.

I know. Can I just give you one tip?

You might wanna get yourself like a soft, fuzzy blanket, instead of this piece-of-shit towel.

Yeah, I forgot the blanket. And that's your towel, by the way.

Oh. Well, then we have disgusting towels.

All right, watch and learn.

Watch.

What?

Whoa. Whoa.

That is fucking incredible.


♪ She's driving away♪

♪ With the dim lights on ♪ Oh, hey, here's our car. I sprang for an SUV, 'cause I'm a bad-ass bitch like that.

Yeah! You got us a car? Why?

Uh, to get around? No, no, it's good, all right?

We're gonna leave the crime scene to cool out.

We're gonna leave the cars there to deflect.

And that's our little Katie right there, 'cause, whoo, yeah, you got our six!

I don't even know what you're talking about! What the fuck's a six?

Oh, come on, that's military jargon, right? Okay.

Yeah, six is back. Katie, you got our six, girl.

Roger that, you crazy cunt. Yeah, I'm a crazy cunt.

Wow.

Guys, I got a bad feeling about getting in these things.

You hear about these guys, they ride around all day, and they pick up the last ride and just snap like crazy.

They do not. It happens all the time.

Stop-

Man, Jamie, you weren't messing around when you said you get paranoid.

I know. And the problem is, I always had Theo with me when I got high.

He took care of me when I started to get like this. He was like my person.

I'm gonna be your person.

You don't have to worry. I got you, girl.

Thank you. It's okay.

That was a fun night, you guys.

Em, there's no fucking way I'm doing bedtime tonight.

I mean, if I am staying out with you gals, I need to get more supplies.

Ooh, I better stay out here. I'm done with that stuff.

No, we're sticking together. Like sister-wives.

Come on, don't worry about it.

It's like Crabtree & Evelyn, but with weed.

All right.

For fucksake, Wayne, you know who I am.

Now please, just play nice. I have brought friends with me.

Oh, very nice. Ladies, my name is Wayne.

I am your marijuana sommelier for the evening.

Oh, and here's Brady. My ears are burning.

He's my partner. Hey, Kate!

Brady! How are you? Thanks for coming in.

Hi, guys- Hey.

Hey, look, anything you want, we've got it. If we don't have it, we'll grow it.

If we can't grow it, we're gonna get it from some factory in some Godforsaken land.

You know what, you know what?

I think we should set them up with our selection of stuff that's for mothers, 'cause, you know, we love the mothers.

We love our mothers. Pfft.

Sounds good.

Let's begin with this one.

I think you might enjoy. It's Ruth Bader Ganja.

You guys fans of Supreme Court justices? Oh, yeah.

Well, you might've heard of Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

It's now Ruth Bader Ganja. Ruth Bader Ganja.

We were playing around with John Stevens for a while, but we couldn't really think of anything for that.

But for you I think it's very good, because it will get you... supremely high.

But at the same time, you'll still be able to mediate family disputes, or decide on what you might be cooking or...

It's also a really fun weed when you need to concentrate.

You can build a castle out of Legos.

You can play with Calico Critters all night.

Shopkins, and you have total concentration.

We put just a pinch of Adderall in there, which gives you just that extra dash of focus.

What? Yeah. It'd be cool if you didn't say anything, just because it's, you know, it's very illegal.

But maybe can we talk about edibles? Oh.

Oh, absolutely. Which, by the way, reminds me, do any of you have glaucoma?

If so, we are giving away some free gummy worms.

I have glaucoma. Oh, excellent!

You have glaucoma? Oh, you're gonna love these...

You do not have glaucoma! Oh, wait, you're kidding.

You don't have glaucoma. No, I get it.

You guys are so our speed. Yeah.

'Cause you play around, you can joke, you have a good...

We do the same thing. We joke around each other even at home.

It's so crazy. People don't even get our humour.

And the wives are, like: "What the fuck... you guys talking about?" That's why we...

Don't hang out with them much, but these are really good.

These are called Good Night Moons. You know the children's book, Good Night Moon?

Of course. Obviously. And then what mother doesn't?

And we went ahead and added the S.

You know, Good Night Moons. Moons.

This is delicious. Wayne.

Somebody's discovered our balls.

We make those here. Oh, I like it.

It will fuck you up. It's really intense.

You know how you have that concentrated detergent.

"This one little thimbleful for the whole washer?"

But, yeah, because it's that concentrated.

How much of your own products do you get your little paws into?

Oh, we don't smoke. I don't do it.

Are you kidding me? No.

My only addiction is Mad Men. Oh, forget it.

He loves it. Every week. Forget it.

Tom. Tom, you got to see this.

Kate's partying with the school moms.

It's on the bubble-bath chick's Instagram.

You know, it really is embarrassing that you follow her.

Yeah. I know. And it's embarrassing that she doesn't follow me back.

Okay, I gave Amelia a five-minute warning.

Oh, oh, grab that door, grab that door!

What? Ah!

Uh... it locks when it's not supposed to.

That's my fault. I should've told you.

We are momentarily locked out.

What do you mean, momentarily locked out?

Momentarily. We keep a spare down here in one of those fake-dog-poop things.

Why don't we just do this?

Why don't we just let them finish their movie in there, and me and you will chill out here with Wyatt?

Oh, yeah, well, actually, I was hoping to get the kids home before Emily got back.

Oh, well, Kate texted and said they were gonna stay out later.

What? Oh.

I think I'm supposed to tell you that.

Okay. Yeah, sure.

Mm...

I haven't licked a ball in a decade.

It got you your divorce.

Do not tell me you still blow your husbands.

I never blew Theo. I mean, maybe for like a minute on his birthday.

And divorce. Sometimes it's just easier, you know, like a quick one during a commercial break of Kimmel.

Andrew's psyched and I don't have to have him lying all over me.

I hear that, sister.

My preference is Antiques Roadshow.

There's no commercials, but I just pop down there.

Me blowing those nuts.

I'm back in time for the Ming Dynasty office.

Oh, Lord, well, just imagine having to be single again.

It's all back on the table for me now. What if I have to do anal again?

Again? Look at it this way.

Maybe you'll meet the guy that makes you wanna do anal... again.

Thank God I never did. Emily's one of those rare angels who actually married the first guy she had sex with.

What?! No fucking way! No, I didn't. Come on.

Don't hit me! It's true! No, I was young.

You guys, I think we're being followed. We're being followed.

Do you hear the footsteps? Yeah, ours.

I think you've had one too many licks.

How about we get a drink over there, cool out for a bit?

Okay, let's do that. Oh, we got a runner!

Shit.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Oh, wow.

You have beautiful, beautiful bone structure.

Thank you. How about a Coke?

Oh, no. Actually, I was gonna get a vodka-and-tonic, because it's transparent.

That way if some weirdo tries to slip something in it, I can see it to protect myself.

Okay, how about a Sprite? Also transparent. See? Look at that.

I'd love a Glenlivit, one cube. Thank you. Glenlivit, one cube.

And can we grab two house whites?

House whites, all right. Here you go. All right.

Let me guess...

Mom's night out?

Again? Oh, come on.

Should we be offended you would immediately assume that we're all moms?

No. You should be flattered.

It says MOMS.

Yeah, I got two of them. Oh.

Good eye, by the way. Usually people don't notice that.

I got a thing for details. It's like a bad lawyer habit.

I'm Emily. Luke.

Luke as in... this your place, Luke?

That's me. Cool.

A little help over here?

Excuse me, ladies. Okay.

What's gotten to you, Em? Wine.

Weed.

I am so sorry that I tricked you into tonight.

Ah, you know what? I hate to admit it, but I'm having a great time.

It's kind of a perfect night, right?

You know what would make it even more perfect, would be if Jake Ryan just like wandered in here.

Oh, God, Jake Ryan. Oh!

I love that guy!

Sixteen Candles.

For me that was all about Anthony Michael Hall.

What? Farmer Ted. Ugh!

What? Yeah, I love his little fuss.

You do not! I do! I can't help myself.

Oh, my God! Put him right in there, bounce him around.

No, I have to say, for me, Jake Ryan, he was my ideal.

He ruined romance for me. Honestly.

It's true, because no guy could ever live up to him.

No guy ever will live up to him.

Well, he's a character in a movie.

I always liked Some Kind of Wonderful.

Some Kind of Wonderful. Yes.

Eric Stoltz, Lea Thompson...

No, Eric Stoltz, Mary Stuart Masterson.

Yes! God, I can't believe I forgot that! Yes!

God, Mary Stuart had that killer little haircut.

Super cute. She was so cool. I just wanted to be her.

Excuse me? Can I get a drink, please?

Check you out. Don't judge.

Oh, lam not.

I mean, a little bit of male attention might be just what you need tonight.

How do you feel about two delicious ice-cold beverages?

Yeah, all right. I brewed that myself.

In the shed.

Let me know if you get just a hint of bacon in there.

Whoa. That's, uh... Right?

That's a lot of bacon. Oh, a lot of bacon.

This is like a, um... some sort of like a bacon... juice thing?

That's beer. What do you mean? Beer?

Yes, you dick. I brewed this beer. It's gray.

Did you really not know that this was beer?

Can you carbonate it? Is that part of a different process?

This is all great feedback.

You want me to keep going? No, no, no.

I think I got your gist of it.

These girls are having a blast.

What... what is it?

They keep posting to Insta.

Well, Emily's certainly having a blast. Who's that?

I think they're just having some drinks, man.

And if I know Kate, she's super stoned by now.

That guy looks like a bartender.

They're having fun.

Fun. She has this whole thing about fucking fun.

We don't have... fun anymore, like we never have fun.

What do you think? You think you guys are fun?

Well, I mean, you know, I'm... pretty stressed out, you know... generally, I guess.

What?! What are you talking about?

Don't say that about yourself. All right.

Well, look, I'm running, like, 11 different projects at work, and on the phone, dealing with like building codes and contractors and asshole clients in like five states.

That fucking blows. Yeah.

So, you know, when I get home, I... don't wanna deal with anyone.

Right. And honestly, neither does she.

Fuck. Yeah.

It's not the high point of our relationship. Yeah.

Look, man, I think that you guys need to cut yourself a break while you're still in the trenches and the kids are so young.

You know, try to just laugh at some of the bullshit and not be angry at each other, like, all the time.

So, like, lower the bar?

Yeah. Like... just a bit.

You're really lowering the bar. Just keep it realistic.

You can dig a hole and put the bar in it. Not that... Yeah, not that low.

I need a lot of room, though, because I tend to do this a lot.

That's good. I just keep doing it, and doing it and doing it. Just don't... Okay.

That's a gorgeous beer.

- Oh... ♪ Now the reason we're here ♪

♪ As man and woman ♪ You are so resourceful.

Mm...

I mean, our philosophy is, if we can stay pretty much into each other, three or four months out of the year while keeping our kids alive, teaching them to be semi-decent human beings...

Right. We're golden.

Huh.

Now, those three or four months, are they, like, spread throughout the year, or are those consecutive?

Spread throughout the year. Okay.

I'm getting so many likes from my rose-budding post.

A lot of new friend requests, too, but weird ones like Hard4Buttz.

ButtKing343, AssMeAnything.

Okay, Jamie, let me see this post.

Okay. Do you know what rose-budding is?

When you throw the roses... Not exactly.

I think you should take this post down and don't accept any of these friend requests, because these people are not your friends.

I'm so tired all the time. We both are.

It sounds like a joke, but it's not.

I literally can fall asleep while I'm pooping on the toilet.

Okay, well, this isn't a joke.

I would like you to teach me how to do that.

Okay. Well, this is gonna sound weird. I would love to.

Oh, wait, wait.

It's my mother-in-law.

Please don't answer and kill this sweet buzz.

Never. This is so fun.

Oh, fuck, trust me.

I love Halloween candy. Yeah, and you guys stock up early, huh?

Actually... these are the kids' from last year.

One time, Theo, his mom and I were sitting on the couch watching a movie.

I was massaging Theo's back and his shoulders, and all of a sudden I feel something.

It was his mom's hand. She was rubbing his back, too.

We were both massaging him at the same time.

Oh, my God! No, no, no, no, no, no.

So awkward! Fucking sick!

What is it with mothers and their sons?!

Check this out.

You see this?

I got this last Thanksgiving fighting with my mother-in-law over who was gonna make the cranberry sauce.

That woman has got lifeless eyes, black eyes, American Girl Doll Jess McConnell eyes.

Oh! Jersey Shore, 2002.

Yeah? Andrew's mom stepped on me with her old-lady jelly mules trying to be the first to lay out his fucking beach towel.

Okay, ladies, here's what I figured out. You're not gonna like this shit.

But we are all gonna end up just like our mothers-in-laws.

No fucking way. Mm-hmm.

Fucking way, fucking way. I'm telling you, I'm gonna be all over my William.

I can already tell. I can! I love that kid so much!

Fuck his wife. I raised him, I earned that shit.

Yeah, well, try having four. Believe me.

As far as I'm concerned, they can move in with their future wives anytime now.

Oh, you think so? You say that now, but I'm gonna tell you, mark my words, we are all gonna be inappropriately massaging our grown sons.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph! What?

Show me.

Oh, God!!

Jamie just looked up rose-budding. Delete.

That is fucking disgusting! It's an anus.

Okay, Tom.

I think I'm ready to share something with you that might just help with that Emily situation.

It's a little trick that I call "Two Cs a Day."

Have you heard of that?

No. What?

Cs like compliments?

So you give Kate two compliments every day?

That's right.

So, for example, I'll do one C like straight out of the gate.

I'll do a C about usually her physical appearance, you know.

Like, what she's wearing or how she looks, something like that.

But you wanna try to use the words "beautiful," or "hot," or "sexy," something like that.

Don't ever say "nice" or "pretty." They don't like that.

Then, later on in the day, I try to follow up with another C, but this is more of an appreciation C, "How am I so lucky to be in this with you?"

You know, but super sincere. The thing is, I'm starting to feel a little bit guilty about it, because I'm now getting so much out of it.

Like blowjob?

Yeah, like blowjobs. Really?

Yeah, while I'm watching Kimmel. Whoa.

Where did you get this idea?

We had a big fight and she was, like:

"I don't feel like you even appreciate me.

Why don't you say one nice thing to me every single day?"

Okay, all right. So your big, like, genius plan is something that your wife told you to do?

No, she said one a day, I upped it to two.

All right. Come clean, newbie.

Whatever do you mean?

Wow, clearly you were an extra on Cocktail, Tom Cruise.

Close. I tended bar, summer of '99, the Yacht Club on Lake Michigan.

Wow. Our signature drink:

Summer on the Shore. For you.

That's a pretty good G&T.

You make this for your husband when he comes walking through the door?

Not lately.

Oh, excuse me. What? No, not again.

God, I'm gonna kill them.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, please direct your attention to centre stage, because, yes, it is that time: Karaoke Hour.

Karaoke Hour!

All right.

This one is for you... and your friends.

Moms, you're on!

Oh, shit.

Oh!

Fuck, yeah.

Come on, you nailed it.

Let's go.

Whoo!

Remember this?

Very well.

We got this, we got this, we got this.

♪ Von 99 Luftballons ♪

♪ Auf ihrem Weg zum Horizont ♪

♪ Hielt man fur UFOs aus dem all ♪

♪ Darum schickte ein general ♪

♪ Eine fliegerstaffel hinterher ♪

♪ Alarm zu geben wenn es so war ♪

♪ Dabei war da am Horizont ♪

♪ Nur 99 Luftballons ♪ Jamie, come here!

Mel, get up here, baby.

Give me some English so I can read this shit.

♪ 99 Decision Street ♪

♪ 99 ministers meet ♪

♪ To worry worry super scurry ♪

♪ Call the troops out in a hurry ♪

♪ This is what we've waited for ♪

♪ This is it boys this is war ♪

♪ The president is on the line ♪

♪ As 99 red balloons go by ♪ But, yeah, if I'm gonna get khakis, I want them to be, like, a nice tan...

They have... You can get them anywhere. Dad! What are you doing out here?

Hey, honey... Can you guys grab the door closed?

Too late.

We're hungry.

Hey, let me grab that spare key real quick.

All right. How was the movie, guys?

It was awesome. It was okay.

Nope, this is not it. Dammit. What?

Fuck. That's real poop. That's not fake.

So what are you saying, that we're locked out?

Yeah, Tom, we're locked out, but what's more important is we don't own a dog!

Okay. Sam, did you do this?

Gross. Okay.

Right? Come on! Yeah.

Where's a fake piece of poop when you need it?

Dude, this is not good.

So you're saying that we're actually locked out, like for sure?

Tom, calm down. It's gonna be fine, all right?

I'm pretty good in a crisis. Watch this.

Guys! Guys!!!

Oh, no!! Oh, no, we're locked out!!

We're locked out!! What are we gonna do?!

Well, your dad and I are gonna protect you, okay?!

So don't worry, don't worry!

The bad news is, we're locked out until Mom gets home!

Oh! But the good news is... we got candy.

Yay!! Lots of candy!

Okay, guys, this is my second move. It's called the "Oh, no, Romeo."

I'm out on the dance floor. I'm grinding with my girls.

I'm doing my thing. I look good.

He comes up behind me, he wraps his arm around me.

I say, "Oh, no, Romeo! Stop, elbow, go!"

Oh, no, Romeo!

Pow!

Oh, my God, oh, my God.

Oh! Hey.

All right.

I'm good. Are you okay?

I'm good. This... I'm sorry about that.

Oh, you don't have nothing to be sorry about.

That felt good in a way.

That's the "Oh, no, Romeo." Yeah.

So where are you taking me? Truth?

Please. Good to get outside sometimes.

Get away from the bar, get some fresh air. You know...

It's really a nice night.

Good breeze.

You're very cute, you're very funny, and you're very smart.

And I'll have you know, I take my breaks very seriously.

But I had a feeling about you and I'm just happy that you came out with me tonight.

And I apologize in advance for this.

This is a disgusting, terrible habit.

Don't judge me. Oh, God, are you kidding me?

No. Before kids, a cigarette and a glass of wine at night was, like...

Look, we can relive your old glory days right now.

Nobody's watching. We're out here by ourselves. I won't tell.

Oh, God.

I shouldn't.

It's been years. Yeah, you're probably right.

It's not a great look to be smoking a cigarette and pushing a stroller down the street.

Although it's kind of sexy in like a fucked-up '70s kind of way.

You're funny.

Ooh, you don't have a lighter by chance, do you?

Do I have a lighter? Oh, you know what?

That's a dumb question. Of course you don't.

So... what about you? You ever have any kids?

Ever been married?

Nah.

I came close... to both, but I just think the lifestyle I was leading in the bar, and, you know, all the things going on, it was just never very conducive to any of that.

But enough about me. Let's talk about you.

Emily, the bartending lawyer, who's been married for how many years?

Truth?

Truth.

I have been with my husband since college.

It's boring and predictable, right?

Uh, no.

If boring and predictable is your thing, then you're... killing it.

See, it's not so bad. You get to spend some quality time with a nightlife entrepreneur, who's actually kind of a great guy.

I get it. Your name's on your napkins. Ls that a fresh tone?

This is me. I'm gonna get a lighter.

Oh. I'll be back.

Get out, get out, get out, get out.

Ooh.

This is pretty weird that we're all laying in the car together.

Yeah. But it's kind of fun too, right?

It's... unexpected.

Where did you learn that word?

From Mommy. It's the word of the day. Oh, Mommy has a word of the day, huh?

Daddy, I'm cold, and it smells like Wyatt's poop in here.

Oh, wow.

Is that what that terrible smell is?

No, I thought it was Andrew.

You're funny. Am I?

Hey, hon.

I'm sorry.

You know, it's my fault that we are stuck out here, and I know this is not the kind of thing that would happen on Mommy's watch.

She's pretty good at this stuff, huh?

I like it when you're the mommy too sometimes, Daddy.

♪ You don't know how long I have wanted ♪

♪ To touch your lips and hold you tight ♪ Whoo!!

Thank you so much.

♪ You don't know... ♪ She's incredible, isn't she?

Yes. ♪ And I was going ♪

♪ To tell you tonight ♪

♪ But the secret is still my own ♪ Have you seen Emily? ♪ Oh but I hope ♪

♪ That it won 't end though ♪ Bathroom maybe? I'll go check.

♪ Alone ♪ You, I like you. Get on up here, short-stuff!

Your dreams are about to come true! Okay.

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah yeah ♪ Luke's gone too. What?!

♪ 'Till now ♪

♪ I always go by on my own ♪ Have you seen where Emily went? No.

♪ I never really cared until I met... ♪

♪ And now it chills me to the bone ♪ I'm gonna do a quick perimeter check.

♪ How do I get you alone ♪

♪ How do I get you... ♪ Excuse me, where's Luke? He was here with my friend all night.

Where'd they go? They left like 20 minutes ago.

I mean, he said he'd be back, though. But he did check to make sure I was closing up.

So they're probably...

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. This does not, not seem like her.

She would tell me if she was leaving. Where'd they go?

He didn't say. I'm gonna... I'm gonna text her.

I feel like something's wrong.

You felt like something's wrong all night. It's gonna be okay.

She's not responding. I feel like something's wrong too now.

What's your name? Alfred.

I'm Melanie. I'd like you to tell me about your friend, Luke.

Is this a regular thing he does, leaving the bar with a lady friend?

He's done it a few times before. Great. You're doing a great job.

Cooperation's really key here. Thank you.

I'd like you to go in your purse, grab your phone, call Luke, have him bring Emily back right now. Can you do that?

I can't.

You can't? He's scary. I can't.

You don't know me, do you? No.

Jamie here knows me. Hi, Jamie.

Jamie, tell Al what I'm like when I'm mad. Call your boss.

I think you'd like to call your boss, okay? Because you can cooperate, or I can have the ATF here in the morning investigating you serving all these minors.

We don't serve minors here. Oh, is that right?

No. Looks like a Katy Perry meet-and-greet to me.

They will shut this fucking place down while they investigate the charge.

You think Luke is gonna like that?

What are you, a cop? You wanna fucking find out, motherfucker?

No. I didn't think so.

Okay, get on that fucking phone. Fuck you.

Okay, I'll be back. Are we 100% sure this is trouble?

I mean, they were flirting all night. I am telling you, I know Emily.

Wait! I think I can track her iPhone! I was setting Instagram up for her earlier.

Let me check. Oh, my God.

Are you telling me you can track somebody else's phone?

I can pretty much do anything on one of these. Oh, yes!

Well? Nope, no answer.

Well, where does he live? I can't tell you.

Where the fuck does he live?! I can't say!!!

Forget it. I have a read on where they are.

They're on Flanders Avenue heading south.

Okay, ladies, this is really happening. We're moving out. Let's go.

Let's go, let's go! But wait! Our cars are at the restaurant.

Um... I can drive you guys.

I've had nothing but five coconut waters tonight, so...

I'm Barry, by the way. I'm Jamie.

Yeah, I don't think we really got to introduce ourselves officially, so hello.

Let's go! Let's move!

Okay, I got a read. Now she is off of Flanders, and she is on to Cabot, heading west on Cabot.

Should we call Tom? No, no, do not call Tom.

We don't know what we're dealing with yet. Oh, guys, you don't know her.

She would not just fucking run off with some strange guy.

Kate, I hate to say it, but they seemed pretty into each other.

I got her. She just went left on Pacific.

It looks like they're heading to the Marina District.

Okey-dokey. Oh, I'm trying her again.

Come on.

Pick up, pick up, pick up-

- Leave me the fuck alone already!

What? That was not her.

Fuck, was that her? No, no, no. Try her again.

The signal stopped at the Marina.

Okay, we're tracking her, we're closing in, and we're gonna get out of whatever situation she's in.

Are you cool? Are you cool? You're cool, right? You're cool?

Barry, you need to move this motherfucker!

I've been in golf carts faster than this! Let's go!

I'm sorry, my foot is cramping up! I haven't had a banana today.

A white van. Everybody knows the only people who drive white vans are serial killers.

One second, one second, just got to adjust here. I'm sorry.

Wait, no, this is not the time. No, I can just...

Oh, Oh, my God! Barry, just park the fucking car, man!

I know, I know. It's disrespectful to other drivers...

Nobody's here! Emily?!

Emily?!

Oh, shit.

' Emily!

Emily? Oh, my God.

" Emily?

Jesus H. Christ.

Is that fucker taking her out in the water?

No, I really don't like this. Oh, no, no.

It's zero dark 30. Zero dark fucking 30.

Mission is a go.

♪ Your love is like a tidal wave ♪

♪ Spinning over my head... ♪ Holy shit.

♪ Drownin' me in your promises better left unsaid ♪

♪ You're the right kind of dreamer... ♪ That woman is certifiable.

I got you, motherfucker!

No.

She's incredible.

She's got our six.

She's saving my friend.

Wait.

My friend.

♪ You're a heartbreaker Dream maker ♪ Unbelievable! Here!

Oh! Grab on! You can do it!

♪ A love taker ♪ Come on, I got you!

I got you, come on. Come on, come on.

Holy shit.

It's fucking freezing.

You are one gutsy bitch. Oh, no.

I wish you'd consider co-chairing the Spring Auction with me.

Can we do this later? We need to find Emily. Okay.

Oh! Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Huh?

Looks like I might've targeted the wrong vessel.

You think?

Let's get out of here. God. Shit.

God, it feels so good... just to be the old me for a few hours.

You know, not, like...

Mommy or... anything.

Just... Emily.

Hmm.

I'm a huge fan... of just Emily.

Yeah? Yeah.

Oh, I... I can't. I'm sorry.

It was so fun at the bar, and... and it has been a really long time since anyone has kissed me like that, but my... I mean... I'm married, I am married, I am super married and... ew.

I'm sorry. Oh, God.

Where am I? Hey. Hey, hey.

What? You didn't do anything wrong.

What? I kissed you.

I kissed you. I kissed you back!

I'm so sorry.

For what, stopping? It was going very well.

That's funny. Look.

I've been a wake-up call for a few married women in my life.

It's not... it's not the end of the world.

I got to go, I got to go. My friends and... I have to wake up in the morning, because it's a school morning, so I got to go. Hey.

What? Okay.

But you should kiss your husband like that, by the way.

So you see anything out there? Sort of, but it's so dark now that I feel like I've lost sight of them.

Yeah.

I'm not worried. I think you're friend probably has Luke, like, hog-tied and begging for mercy by now.

Oh, yeah? Well, let's hope so.

I got to say, uh, you ladies are something else, I love it. It's very cool.

Thanks.

So you're all... married, then?

Oh, well, they are. I'm not. I'm divorced.

Oh, really? Mm-hmm.

I mean... I'm sorry.

That's... that's too bad. Or... is it?

I mean, is it too bad?

No, it's certainly better than being married to my ex, that's for sure.

Right, yeah, good. Well, that's good.

Not bad. I mean, that you're happier.

Right. That's good. Yes, yes, yes.

I would say I'm definitely happier.

Yeah. Yeah.

So what about you? Are you in a relationship or...?

No, not right now.

Mm-hmm. No.

So how did you get stuck being the designated driver tonight?

Oh, I volunteered. You did?

Yeah, yeah. I don't like drinking too much.

It makes me feel all weird in my head, you know.

Are you cold? Oh.

A little chilly there. Oh, thank you.

Here.

It's cold. Thank you.

Well, Melanie? What?

I'm waiting. Waiting for what?

Jaws jokes. On land tonight, out here, you got nothing.

Oh, you're right.

Shit. Oh, shit.

Come on. Come on.

Oh...

I have never felt so sober in my entire life.

All right, let's go look and see if we can find Jamie and Barry, and more luck than we did. Come on.

Come on. Come on.

Whenever. Okay.

Come on, come on.

I love peanuts so, like, a peanut beer, is that a thing?

Fuck, yes. Yeah? It's a peanut.

Great idea. Take that one step further.

What if it's like a whole line of, like, stadium flavours?

Right. Peanuts, hotdogs, pretzels.

Mustard beer.

Why aren't we writing this down? I don't know. 'Cause... You know what?

All right, someone tooted.

Yeah, it was probably all of them.

How dare you fart on me?

When my kids fart...

Don't even finish the sentence. Dude, dude, dude, dude...

Don't even finish the sentence. L... love... it.

What do you binge on? Oh, I don't know.

I try to watch what I eat, watch my weight, so...

Oh, no, I mean, like, like, binge watch.

Like Netflix? Amazon?

Oh, yeah. Uh, duh.

No, I, um, I... don't really do any of that stuff.

I'm more of a regular cable-TV guy.

Oh, I love regular cable TV. Yeah?

As a matter of fact, this is so embarrassing, but I actually fall asleep watching HGTV.

Oh, my God, me too. Almost, like, every night, I fall asleep watching Love It or List It.

I love that show! Yeah?

Ever noticed how they always choose to love it?

Yes! Every time! Always.

They always choose to love it. I know.

I think they're gonna list it, and then they love it, then sometimes I'm, like: "They're making us think they love it, so they actually list it, but then they just love it."

I think you're an old soul, Barry.

Old soul? Aw.

I like that. That's nice.

The last girl I dated told me I reminded her of a... bashful predator.

♪ Now the party's over ♪

♪ I'm so tired... ♪ Where are all of my friends? They are looking for you.

They actually went bonkers. Uh, they thought Luke had abducted you or something.

What? Yeah.

Don't worry about it.

I'm... Listen, I'm sure they'll be back soon. Just hang out here for a little bit.

No, I got to... I got to call Kate.

Just... Okay. Except for...

I don't have my phone. It's gone.

Use my phone. Use my phone.

I don't want any trouble. Just take the phone.

Um... I don't know her phone number. It's in my phone.

You don't know your friend's number?

No, I don't know my friend's number! It's in my phone!

Truly just trying to be helpful. Who knows anybody's phone number anymore?

Fuck technology. Oh, my God. Guys, I can just call Barry.

Who's Barry? Who are you?

Barry is my buddy, and he took all your friends looking for you.

Looking for me where?

You know what? They were tracking your phone.

I don't have my phone.

Fuck.

Oh, I'm sorry. It's okay.

Are you kidding me with that phone?

What? Hello, it's Barry.

Really? Emily's at the bar. What?

Yeah. Can I talk...?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hello?

Ah!

It's go time.

I'm right behind you.

Nice aft. Oh, God.

If she came here willingly, I'll fucking kill her.

Emily! Jamie!

Ah... Oh, my God, we were so worried.

They still haven't come back. What the fuck?

Oh, you guys, we gotta get help. This is bad.

Well, there's got to be Marina security. They'll call in whoever to help.

That's a good idea. Okay, you go do that. All right.

Jamie. What?

Look at me. Where was the last place that you saw them?

Down there. Take me.

Okay, come on, let's go.

Okay, where the fuck is Emily?!

Hey, get off my boat. Your boat? Excuse me, matey, but I'm gonna have to see your license and registration.

Uh, Mel, let's just go. Emily's not here.

It's my dad's boat, but I'm gonna need you to leave.

Bae, be nice.

They're homeless.

We are not homeless.

You must be hungry. I'm actually pretty hungry.

Okay, now's not the time. All right. Somebody tell me what's going on here.

It's Senior Skip tomorrow, so we're having a party.

This is a party? Don't bullshit me.

Oh, my God! There you are!

Emily!!!

We saw your unicorn hanging over the side!

Where the fuck have you been?!

Uh, James, what are all these old-ass MILFs doing on the boat? Ah!

What the fuck?

Oh! Wait a minute. It's here. Your phone is here.

Did you hear that, that ping? Here, look.

Were these kids at Luke's?

Give me that bag.

That's... a coincidence. Gimme that bag.

No“ Gimme that bag.

Gimme your bag. Give Melanie your bag!

Stop, stop!

What is this?

All right, was is this, some kind of bling-ring shit?

It's that what you guys are doing here, huh?

Taking phones and sell them on the black market?

Is that what you're doing? Oh, yeah.

Yep, I've seen this on Dateline.

So what? Zoe lifts shit. That's her thing. Everybody has a thing.

I catfish rich dudes. I pull fire alarms.

I'm a YouTube unboxer. What the fuck is that?

Okay, all right, I steal things.

Sorry, I can't help myself.

Please don't turn me in.

So we're not gonna call the cops, 'cause we're cool as shit, but you're all gonna pay the price for Zoe's shenanigans tonight.

You'll survive, Jamie.

Now... you're all gonna be technology-free for the next hour.

Let's cut this electronica bullshit and get some Peabo Bryson up in here.

Five minutes.

Yeah, right.

Okay. Now, you're all gonna deal with the extreme social awkwardness that we had to deal at parties back in the day.

You ready for that? Here I come.

All right, you're gonna face each other, in the flesh, without a phone, to filter out any of those oily little teenage pores you got.

Whoo!

♪ We had a once in a lifetime ♪ You're welcome.

♪ But I just couldn't see ♪

♪ Until it was gone ♪

♪ A second once in a lifetime ♪

♪ May be too much to ask ♪

♪ But I swear from now on ♪

♪ If ever you're in my arms again ♪

This time... ♪

- I've got one.

Never have I ever walked in on my parents doing it.

Dude. Oh.

Nasty.

Okay, ready?

Never have I ever... had lice.

What? Ew.

Ew! Emily, I promise you, just give it a few more weeks at Happy Days, and you will be borrowing my special comb.

No! I can't believe you've never had lice.

I'm so never having kids.

Good luck.

This is fun.

I think we freaked them out.

Good. Little fuckers.

Never have I ever cheated on my husband with an old boyfriend from high school.

How did I not know? I thought it was Theo.

Yeah, I know. That's what everybody thought.

It's because I only post the pretty stuff.

You're the pretty stuff.

Never have I ever... kissed another guy... while I was married.

Emily. Whoa.

I stopped it immediately. I did.

It was a mista... It was such a mistake.

I am... I'm telling Tom... when I get home.

Are you sure?

I'm terrified, but I think...

I realized tonight that I want my marriage to work.

I want it to work with Tom.

You just have to fight for it, sweetie pie. You know?

All right.

Never have I ever dressed up my husband's dick as Napoleon.

Whoa, wait a minute. What?!

Okay, you guys, remember, when we went on that Alaskan cruise last year?

Yeah. Yeah, we didn't.

We went to this sex retreat, to reconnect.

Really? Wow. Did it work?

Yes, it worked.

Yeah, obviously. Yeah. We dressed up his dick as Napoleon, and he did a little one-act.

It was really very good, critically acclaimed.

Whoa.

' Anyway, yeah.

And we still do it, and I love it.

That's a really good one. It sure is.

All right, never have I ever...

had real mom friends.

Come here, give me a hug.

Come on, give me a hug. Come here.

I want in. Come here. Me too!

You guys are still wet.

Aren't you freezing? Yeah.

A little bit.

Oh, I'm so glad Emily and I didn't have to go in the water.

Hmm.


♪ Say I'm crying♪

♪ I'm looking at what's on TV ♪

♪ Pain and suffering ♪

♪ And the struggle to be free ♪

♪ It can't ever be denied and I ♪

♪ Never will ignore ♪

♪ But when I see you coming ♪

♪ I can take it all ♪

♪ You're so fine ♪

♪ Lose my mind ♪

♪ And the world seems to disappear ♪

♪ All the problems ♪

♪ All the fears ♪

♪ And the world seems to disappear ♪

♪ You're so fine ♪

♪ Lose my mind ♪

♪ And the world seems to disappear ♪

♪ All the problems ♪

♪ All the fears ♪

♪ And the world seems to disappear ♪

♪ You're so fine ♪

♪ Lose my mind ♪

♪ And the world seems to disappear ♪ Ow! Ow.

God, if I ever do this again, I'm getting a goddamn epidural first.

The CIA should use this shit on terrorists.

Oh, God, you guys are all a bunch of wimps.

What?! It's very delicate tissue down there, Jamie.

You know, I'm already regretting my choice.

Should I have gone with the Mt. Rushmore? Peter loves history.

Are you kidding me? He's gonna love that. It was the best one.

Hey, Em.

Turn around.

What? Just... turn around.

" Me'?

Yeah, you.

You did this. It's you. No! I swear.

It's all Tom. Come on, get over there, go!

Go get your Jake Ryan.

Go! Go get your Jake Ryan!

Whoo!

Tom looks kind of hot.

♪ But would you suspect ♪

♪ My emotion wandering yeah ♪ I guess the talk worked.

♪ Not want a part of this anymore♪

He's even got the sweater, you guys.

♪ The rain water drips ♪

♪ Through a crack in the ceiling ♪ Uh-oh. What... what's going on here?

She looks okay.

What happened?

Well, Tom said he didn't want me to miss our dinner, so I'm gonna meet up with him later.

Shit.

The Porsche is ours for the night.

Really? That is a slick move. Nice work, Tom!

Thank you, Tom! Wow.

Are you sure? There'll be other fun mom dinners.

You got that right, bitches. Come on.

Let's go. Let's go. We're good.


♪ If you were here ♪

♪ I could deceive you ♪

♪ And if you were here you would believe ♪

♪ But would you suspect ♪

♪ My emotion wandering ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Do not want a part of this anymore♪


♪ I know a boy named Frank ♪

♪ Frank's got a job at a bank ♪

♪ He gets up at 5 barely alive ♪

♪ Frank's got no gas in his tank ♪

♪ All work no play ♪

♪ That's no way to live ♪

♪ You got to live for today♪

♪ All work no play ♪

♪ That's no way to live ♪

♪ You got to live for today♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪ ♪ I know a girl named Jane ♪

♪ Jane's always catching a fling ♪

♪ And she's never home sleeping alone ♪

♪ Jane says she's going insane ♪

♪ All work no play ♪

♪ That's no way to live ♪

♪ You got to live for today♪

♪ All work no play ♪

♪ That's no way to live ♪

♪ You got to live for today♪

♪ While I'm taking care of business ♪

♪ Time keeps on slipping past ♪

♪ What kind of living is this ♪

♪ Working till the day is done ♪

♪ Never stop to wonder why ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪ ♪ Frank got a pain in his head ♪

♪ Let's spend the day in bed ♪

♪ Because the world won't end if now and then ♪

♪ We get a little out of our heads ♪

♪ All work no play ♪

♪ That's no way to live You got to live for today ♪

♪ All work no play ♪

♪ That's no way to live You got to live for today ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪