Fun with Dick and Jane (2005) Script

Globodyne is a consolidator of media properties.

Globodyne is a consolidator of media properties. Consolidator. Oh, no!

Globodyne's a consolidator of media properties and data retrieval...

...with a focus in fiber-optic content provision.

It's basically a synergy of Web-based...

...and platform-based UNIX-driven delivery systems.

Okay, I made that last part up.

We spent months on this trip. I just assumed...

...that you knew you needed a passport to get into Russia.

But if I should have told you, then I'm really sorry, Mr. Fairbanks.

It's not my fault airport security strip-searched you, Mr. Fairbanks.

I mean, maybe you shouldn't have made that joke. You know?

Hon? Fire.

You know what, I'm gonna load you up with drink coupons.

Blanca? Can you make this little man something to eat?

Are you sure about this?

The trainer said it's just a minor annoyance.

He said it just reminds him to be a little less vocal.


Hey, Dick. Morning, Joe.

That a new car?

It's the new Mercedes S500.

You can only special-order these from Germany.

How's it run? Well, it's a Mercedes.

Check this out.

Mercedes, on.

Yeah? Well, watch this.

Beemer, sit. Stay.

Play dead. Good boy.

That's cute, Dick. Mercedes, off.


"It has come to our attention that certain departments...

...have begun to run into situations." Situations.

The big boys want to see you upstairs.

Which floor? Twentieth?

Twenty-sixth?

Thirty-second?

Not the 51st? Yes.

Congratulations, Mr. Harper.

Go ahead and wrap this up. Okay.

How do I look? Great.

Anything in my teeth? No.

I need a paper bag.

Hey, Oz. Hey, Dick. Morning.

It is, isn't it? Sure is.

Yeah. Yeah.

Hey, did you... ? Did you hear about Bill?

Oh, yeah. That's.... That's wild. Yeah.

Yeah. I wonder.... I wonder who's gonna take his place.

That's the big mystery.

Yeah. Yeah.

You getting off? Not this time, Oz.

Son of a bitch!


That's it.

Hello. I'm...

...Dick Harper, and I'm here to see Jack McAllister.

Oh, well, that's him now, sorry. He had to step out.

Dick.

Damn glad to finally see you up here.

Hey, man.

Frank Bascombe, CFO. Nice to meet you, Frank.

Nice to meet you. Listen, Dick. Dick.

Jack's very sorry that he couldn't be here to congratulate you.

Well, on becoming the new VP of Communication.

Are you--?

Holy.... Thank you. No, no, no.

But also, he wanted to invite you to his house...

...for an orientation meeting on Monday morning.

Dick? Ann's got the address.

All right. Sure, I'll get that. Okay. Ann?

Thanks. Sure.

And thank you...

...Frank.

Cool exit.

How do you like your eggs?

Pardon me!

Ours is an age of unmeasured prosperity, Oh, yeah.

You know what? What?

You should quit your job.

Quit my job? Yeah.

Do you even know what you're getting paid? I mean, I can't quit my job.

Well, not specifically, but....

Bob got VP last month, he's making 1 50 plus bonuses.

Come on, you wanna spend more time with Billy.

Do it. Just-- Come on.

Do it. Do it. Quit your job.

We must never become a winner-take-all society, You know what we should do? What?

We should have sex...

...on Saturday.

I'll buy candles.

I'll pick up the new Starbucks sampler featuring Sade.

Oh, you animal. That is gonna be so wild.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Just make yourself at home.

Right.

Dick.

Yeah. Mr. McAllister.

Dick. Hey, call me Jack. Likewise.

With my name. Dick, I mean.

Man. Dick Harper.

Dick Harper.

Dick Harper playing the harp. Harpo Marx playing the jew's-harp.

D.H. DH.

You're my designated hitter.

I need you to step up into the batter's box...

...and knock one out of the ballpark for me.

Gone. You ever have a nickname?

Well, it was....

Squirt. The Squirt.

Something about how I was conceived, I don't know.

We gonna think of something. Have trouble finding the place?

No, sir. By the way, what a absolutely beautiful hou-- Home you have.

So then my lawyer says to her lawyer:

"lf she thinks she's getting that yacht, she's a little dingy."

He always-- He loves that one.

The point is that we need somebody...

...who projects confidence in this position.

We've seen how you handle yourself.

You've been a great cheerleader for this company.

So we were thinking that....

Well, you go ahead and tell him. No, you go ahead.

What's up, guys? Come on. Don't hold out on me here. What?

We want you to go on MoneyLife this afternoon...

...and announce our quarterly projections.

You're the guy. You're the guy we have faith in.

You can get our positive spin out there.

Right. Positive spin.

These are fickle times, Dick.

We need to stick together as a team.

Like my daddy always used to say....

Well, you can count on me, sir.

I mean, I can't tell you how happy I am.

Thank you. How were those eggs Florentine?

Best I've ever had. Good answer.

I'm on the plane right now!

Do you know what's sitting in front of me? Do you know?

A kosher meal! A kosher meal!

How many times do I need to tell you? ! I don't need a kosher meal!

I'm Episcopalian!

No-- No, you, miss-- You-- No, you grow up!

For-- No, you, miss--

Phyllis, can l... ? Can I talk to you for a minute?

Here's a yell! It's personal.

Never actually had makeup on. I'm happy for you.

Hi. Hi.

Where's Sam? Washington.

These are your talking points. They were just faxed over.

And Sam is on the line for you.

Hello, Mr, Harper, Hey, Sam. How you doing? Nice talking to you.

I thought you were gonna be here.

Me too, I hear it's beautiful there, That's the thing--

Okay, Dick, we're on in five, Yep, sure.

-three, two....

Today we're talking with the new VP of Communications at Globodyne...

... Dick Harper, How you doing, Dick?

Just terrific, Sam. Thank you for asking.

And so is Globodyne, by the way.

Now, Dick, tell me, what is the shareholder to make...

...of the fact that Jack McAllister, your CEO...

...has unloaded a considerable share of his stocks?

I think CEOs sell their stocks for many reasons, Sam.

Both professional and personal.

Actually, over the past year, Jack McAllister has sold 80 percent...

...of his holdings through shell companies, Now, how do you explain that?

The reasons for doing something like that would be--

Losing you there. Hold on.

The reasons for doing something like that would be.... Could be many.

Both....

There's also talk of some of the Globodyne portfolio documents...

... being subpoenaed, Specifically those of your CFO, Frank Bascombe, Now, joining us with his insights, is presidential hopeful Ralph Nader, Really?

Hi, Ralph. Big fan, love your stuff.

I wish I could say the same, I don't know how you sleep at night, Corporations like Globodyne pervert the American dream, The super-rich get richer, You are a disgrace, Ralph, I don't know where you're getting your statistics.

I can only say that, in my estimation, Globodyne is transparent.

We'd be more than willing to share any and all documentation.

What is going on?

Can somebody tell me what the heck is--?

Hey, there's a fi-- Somebody should--

Okay.

This can't be good.

Out of my way!

Hey, that's my ficus! My ficus!

You're not even from this floor! Help! Security!

What's going on?

Oh, so Dick finally wants to know what's going on.

Frank?

Methinks somebody made a boo-boo.

Maybe we didn't know how to use Quicken. Yeah, that could be it.

Frank. Frank. Try to focus. Okay? What's happening to Globodyne?

Globodyne? Yeah, what happened, Frank?

We took our shifting losses... Yeah?

... and we put them into businesses... Yeah, yeah?

...that we actually owned.

And then the balance sheet...

...it showed profit.

But actually, there was...

...debt.

What the hell? !

You're sick.

I want you to hit me. Frank, let go of me now.

I want you to hit me. Let go, you're scaring me.

Hit me. Frank! Get off!

And I have the 6000 greatest partners a man could ask for,

Mr. McAllister?

I don't know what to tell you.

We're just a cell in a much larger organism called the global economy.

Weak companies have to die so that stronger companies can get stronger.

It's just nature. Nature? What?

You ever read Walden Pond? It's all in there.

Hey, you send him a copy of the tape.

What about the other employees, sir?

They're gonna be fine. Don't go there.

This is America, the land of opportunity.

I don't know, sir. With all due respect, this doesn't feel right.

Step away from the rotors now, boy. They gonna chop your head clean off.


Honey? I'm home.

Oh, and the vice president is home!

I see you got them digging the hot tub.

I know. Yes, I called the guy. They came right out.

That almost never happens. I know. We're so lucky.

Dinner's ready!

Look at it! Oh, my gosh!

Look! I did it and it's perfect!

My gosh! That could feed a family of four.

I mean.... I-- In my-- Look at that, Billy.

I'm surprised you left off the hooves.

You know, before we get into that, I have some wonderful news.

Mama quit her job!

I did. I did, I did! You did?

Isn't that great? My gosh! That's incredible!

Oh, the timing of it, it was just beautiful, Dick. And, oh, thank you.

I just-- I just did it!

No. Oh, boy.

And now, you know what...

...I can spend so much more time with my beautiful boy.

Yeah. Now, what's your news, big Mr. VP?

I have something of an announcement to make.

It turns out that a very wonderful opportunity has just presented itself...

...in the form of me...

...not necessarily working at Globodyne anymore.

Were you fired?

I wasn't fired. Globodyne tanked.

Dick! Jeez. "Fired."

What do you mean? How could that happen?

They just gave you a promotion. And--

There is nothing to worry about. I'll get my severance...

...money from my pension. We're fine.

I am a winner. Billy, tell your father he's a winner.

See?

Hey! Our first day at home together. Hey.

Let's have a big family breakfast.

Oh, gosh, honey, Billy's already gone to school...

...and I gotta meet him for that Mommy & Me lunch thing.

What are you gonna do? Are you gonna look for a job?

You know what, I think I might just take this day.

Great. I do. I think you should.

But, listen, I gotta go pick up that thing at the thing.

Baby, I gotta go. I'm sorry. Sorry.

Okay, good.

I'll see you later, baby. Have a really good time.

Bye.


Okay.

Cheers.

Former CFO Frank Bascombe has been indicted...

...on charges of fraud and money laundering, Lead investigators say all roads lead to Mr, Bascombe, And no evidence has yet...

...to link former CEO Jack McAllister to this growing scandal, We've all had to make sacrifices, I sold my place in Jackson Ho-- No, Martha 's Vineyard, Oh, shut up!

God.

Hey, bud. Hey, hey, hey. Can't be that bad, can it, bud?

God!

Oh, you know it.

So can I send you a résumé?

No, I got a terrific one here. You'll love it.

Do you have a fax number?

So there are no new openings at this time. Right.

And what about the near future?

Yeah. Sure. I could stop calling.

This afternoon. Okay.

I'll be there. Bye.

Hon. I got an interview at Pyramid Tech.

I was really starting to wonder there.

Hey!

Hold on!

Dick. Oz.


Wanna go get a drink?

You buying? Sure.

Harper? Yeah.

Dick Harper! Yeah.

You don't have to stand in this line. Come on with me.

Hey, Oz. Rain check.

Son of a bitch!

Okay, rip it out. Get it on the truck.

Hector, what's going on? What--?

What happened? Your check go bouncy-bounce.

But it's okay, I heard what happened to your husband.

Not everybody could afford landscaping like this, eh?

Hector, please. I am sorry, Miss Jane.

Oh, no, no, no. No! No, no!

This is all-- Everything, it's all wrong.

I want this out. Roll it all up.

I ordered Kentucky bluegrass.

This is green.

Dick Harper! What a stroke of luck. Oh, jeez.

I'm sorry, I don't remember where you know me from.

Oh, I don't know you.

I just saw you spaz out MoneyLife. Oh, my God, that was great.

Hey, some of the fellas would like to meet you.

Hello, Dick. I can't believe it's really you.

Oh, my God, it's him. Did you bring your statistics?

We have an expression around here when someone makes a mistake.

It's called "pulling a Dick."

Up high, up high.

Have you seen DickHarperIsATool. com?

Oh, you're gonna love this. This is dynamite.

I don't know where you're getting your statistics, Who is that? Who is that? It's you! It's you!

Can we just get on with the job interview?

This guy!

We couldn't hire you! We just wanna take your picture.

Okay, everybody, little bit closer. One, two, three.

Statistics!

Hey, how'd it go?

Oh, not too bad.

It was good practice.

What are you doing? Going through our finances.

I'm not sure...

...but it seems that we may be in a little bit of a pickle, Dick.

Well, sure, our financial bounce-back has taken a bit longer than expected...

...but, you know, that's natural.

Our lawn was repossessed today. I didn't even know they could do that.

I think maybe it's time you start thinking about accepting something...

...a little bit lower than a vice-presidency.

No. Took me 1 5 years to get a VP-ship. If I step back now...

...I'll lose everything I worked for.

We're just gonna have to suck it up for a couple months.

In a couple of months, we'll be declaring bankruptcy.

Oh, come on. Our savings--

Look. Our savings was in Globodyne stock.

Jesus. And, look, our pension was in Globodyne stock.

Everything was in Globodyne stock! All of it!

The lawn is covered with dirt! It is so much fun!

I have made a mud man!

Now, Billy is looking at the glass half full.

Hon, relax. We've got 600 grand.

Where? We're standing in it. Our house.

Since Globodyne, the local property market crashed, Dick.

If we sold our house today, we would owe the bank 1 50 grand.

I knew it. It was churning in my gut...

... and I didn't listen. It would be okay.

You said we could afford this house and take out a second mortgage...

...so that we could put in the pool, redo the kitchen...

I said that. ... and now we are on the verge...

...of losing the house. If we lose the house...

...then Billy loses all sense of security and later, never have a relationship...

...so he'll just spend his whole life just alone.

There he'll be, just alone, nobody with him, just like a bum.

Hon? Hon? You need a paper bag?

You said everything was gonna be okay.

Mr. Dick! Something wrong with the electricity!

Well, if you're gonna do it, be the best.

Hi, I'm Lucy, and I'll be your Kostmart training team leader.

I am so happy to welcome you to the Kostmart team.

Now, we work hard here, but we play hard also.

I think we're gonna have a good time here...

...because at Kostmart, we're more than a store. We're family.

Now, before we get started...

...I am gonna need you all to piss in one of these cups.

It's taking a little while. Just relax.

I've been married for 20 years. I know what it looks like.

You want me to get you a cola?

It's just hard to do while you're standing there watching.

I could sell you my pee for $1 00.

I been off the pipe for two years. Thank you, Jesus.

Unfortunately, we don't have any positions available in Pilates or yoga.

But we are looking for a Jeet Kun Do instructor.

Yes. I mean, that's-- Oh, my-- I thought--

I didn't even-- I didn't say that?

I was born doing...

...that.

Hi, welcome to Kostmart. Watch.

Hi! Welcome to Kostmart.

Check out our makeup counter on aisle 1 2B.

Welcome to Kostmart. Check out our CDs. Garth Brooks on sale, aisle 51.

Welcome to Kostmart. Your local gun emporium.

Aisle 42, hunting gear.

And the next thing I knew, I was wearing it.

Well, Jane. Hey, Veronica.

Hi, how are you? Good, good.

I didn't know you worked out here.

Welcome to Kostmart. I hope you'll take a trip by the deli today...

...for a complimentary cube of jalapeño cheddar.

I'm lactose intolerant. Where do you keep the cigarettes?

Behind the counter.

But I'm not sure that's a good-- Dick? You missed one.

I'll get it. I'll get it. Wait. Ma'am? Ma'am. Welcome!

Here we go. Hi. Hi.

My name's Jane, and I'll be your instructor for beginners' Jin Ku Pow.

So let's just get right into it. Here we go.

We're just gonna loosen up a little bit.

Here we go. Yeah. There we go. And ho. And hit.

Excuse me! Ma'am!

And jab. And jab.

Now I gotcha! Get this!

It's punch. And punch. And step. And kick!

It burns. I saw you eyeballing me...

...when I came in. You were all up in my goodies.

You know something? I'm glad you fired me.

How's a person supposed to survive and feed their family on that salary?

It's a lease.

I don't know why we didn't think of this before. It's such a good idea.

We're sorry we couldn't pay you. We have no money.

It's okay. Your son is very important to me.

I would do anything for him, Mr. Richard.

In the meantime, thank you for letting us pay you in appliances.

Yeah.

Congratulations.

Hey, think about this:

How many places you'll see on one tank of gas.

You want me to drive? Yeah.

Here it is!

We can live without it. People have lived without these things.

There goes the boxing match. You can go to a bar.

It's rigged anyway.

What are you doing with the television?

You're going to sell it! No, no. Billy!

God! Just go, Dick!

Damn it, Blanca, grab him!

Papa! Mama! Go! Go, go!

Don't take my Telemundo! Go! Go! Hurry, hurry!

SpongeRoberto SquarePantalones!

God! Just go, go, go! I want my MTV Latino.

Dick, what are we gonna do?

We've run out of things to sell.

Well....

There's always prostitution. Dick.

I mean me.

We just gotta look for more work, that's all.

There is no work, Dick. There's 6000 other people out of work.

Vice presidents are working at Burger King.

It's gonna be fine. All we need is $400...

...and we're good for another month. This is just temporary. So stay calm.

And don't panic! Damn.

Are you going to sit in the dirt hole all night long?

Come on, hon, let's get out. Yeah.

I'm starting to turn into a raisin anyway.

What's the matter? You look sad, Richard.

Blanca, call me Dick.

Well, Blanca, there's just no jobs out there.

I have a cousin who might be able to help you find some work.

It's not much. But it's something.


I need one guy who knows how to paint.

That's me!

Hold on, I got it. I got it. I'm here!

Hey, I was here first!

Congratulations, güero. You almost got that one.

Don't worry. There'll be more.

That thing is already starting to swell up like a balloon.

Is it noticeable?

No. Just a little bit.

Did you see that? We should report that guy.

Report him!

We should report him. Let's report him.

I do it for you.

This is a new drug in the same family of Botox.

We don't expect any problems.

Your check for $1 4 is waiting for you at the front desk...

...and we think you are all going to look beautiful. Okay.

Now, if you can begin by just filling out those forms.

Those are insurance waivers.

And then you'll find a list of various aspects of your face.

Go ahead and check off anything that you think...

...you might want to improve on just a little bit.

Are deuces still wild?

No.

I'm screwed.

Well, I think I'm gonna go, guys. Carlos. Eduardo. Gustavo.

Pleasure talking to you the last couple hours.

Hey, congratulations on the baby too.

INS! All right, hold it right there.

INS? Hold it right there.

You're not going anywhere.

Hold it right there! You've gotta be kidding.

Oh, this is hilarious.

You guys know the drill. Let's see some papers.

Against the wall. Papers.

Where's my wallet? Where'd my wallet go? This is--

No, no. I dropped my wallet. Back up.

Oh, these are doozies. What do you got?

We got a Don Johnson, Elvis and Opie Taylor.

Dick Harper, you're free to go. Dick Harper?

That's me, Dick Harper. Hey, that guy's not Dick Harper! Whoa, jeez!

We don't want problems.

You're making a serious mistake in judgment. I am an American.

You gotta work on your accent, Pablo.

Could we--? You wanna talk to my wife, Jane?

Yeah. Oh, okay, yeah. We'll call your wife, "Yane."

We'll ask her if you're American. And we'll call my wife, Yennifer...

... and his wife, Yaqueline, too. It's ringing, it's ringing!

No, wait! I'm an American! I swear to God!

Hey, watch your language. Get in there.

Okay, we have our results.

Negative side effects with only three of 1 4 participants in the study.

That's not bad. Let's see, now. Hello?

Jill? Hi, Jill. Dick, what--?

Oh, honey, I can barely under--

What--? Why are you doing that accent?


Holy hell!

I did this little cosmetics test...

...and I had a little reaction. Is it really that bad?

No, it's not so bad. It's just different.

Dick, can we talk about this some other time?

Oh, yeah. Come on, come on. Go, go, go, go!

I gotta go in. I gotta go to bed.

You coming?

I think I'm gonna sit in the car...

...and think for a while.

Okay.

Don't think for too long, we gotta get up early.

Soup kitchens stop serving at 8.


You're still pretty.


I'm not playing anymore.

I've just about had it!

Sorry.

O my God, I'm heartily sorry for having offended thee.

It's okay. I'm putting it back.

I'm putting it back! It's okay.


Hon, what happened?

I got the lawn back.

Got the... ?

Oh, Dick.

It's beautiful.

Honey.

Oh, Dick, I love you.

I love you.


Are these too big for my face?

Well, now you look like the Unabomber.

Good.

What are you doing with Billy's squirt gun?

We followed the rules and we got screwed.

We were good people, honest people...

...and we got screwed.

Damn it!

What are you gonna do now, you gonna rob a bank?

We got screwed. Over and over again, hon.

I stole the lawn back, and you know what happened?

We have a lawn now.

Yeah, but-- Okay.

We're all just cavemen...

...trying to protect our little patch of land.

Well, now I have a club...

...and I'm gonna take what I need.

Maybe you should steal some Prozac.

Keep laughing, Jane. Keep laughing, okay?

I'll be back soon...

... with the loot. Oh, no, no, no. I'm coming.

Not gonna miss this for the world. Suit yourself.

Besides, you're gonna need a good wheelman.

Okay, that's it, joke's over. Let's go home.

Come on. No, no, no.

We haven't done the caper yet. Wow, okay, you--

Then-- Then let's do it before, you know...

...we die of carbon-monoxide poisoning.

When you're in there, get me some Sno-Caps.

Oh, no, no, no, Raisinets, Raisinets. I want Raisinets.

Hon, your thingamabob.

I know, I know. All right.

And don't forget to kill the witnesses, hon.

Okay.

Hi.


Brain freeze.

You ever get that?


One Brainfreeze. Anything else?

Yeah. Yeah, I got something else...

...right here.

Hey, Jake, take a break. I got this one.

That'll be 1.29, please.

1.29.

Go! Jane, go! Just go!

Oh, God. You did it?

Oh, there that is.

That was wild. That was wild! You actually robbed that place?

No, but I had a slushie and I didn't even pay for it.

What? Well, then our problems...

...are pretty much over.

Jane, just drive the car, okay? We'll find another place, okay?

Give me your money! Garth!

Dick?

Oh, my God. You remember Jane.

She's in the car. Jane?

Hi, Garth. Hey, Jane.

Hon, it's-- Garth. What's with this?

From the barbeque. Harper, what are you--?

I had you going there.

Had me going? You scared me to death.

Yeah, well.... You're a madman.

We should hang out soon. All right.

Yeah, you wanna hang out with Garth soon, hon?

All right. All right.

Drive. Just drive. Just drive the car.

Okay, Dick. Okay.

My car's right there.

Get that for you, then. Okay.

Thank you, sonny. Thank you. Oh, no, l--

Well, maybe.

Okay, stop the car.

Now, that place is loaded.

They are ripe for the picking.

And you are just the guy for the job.

But seriously, doesn't this remind you of that movie Heat...

... with Val Kilmer--? I'm trying my best.

There's nothing to be ashamed of, is all I'm saying. Some people....

Some people have that robbing thing and-- And some people don't.

Maybe...

...you're not a badass.

Hey, man. What can I do you for?

You can do me for all the money in the till.

This is a stickup. Whoa, what's wrong with you, dude?

I'm married, that's what's wrong with me.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Move it, paraquat! Come on, Zig-Zag.

That's a real gun. You're robbing me.

Dick? Honey, robe.

Oh, God, okay. Sweetheart, I'm sorry.

Listen to me. What are you doing, are you craz--?

What? Listen, put your hands down.

He's been stressed. Why are you undercutting me?

To be fair, we both-- I'm trying to rob this man.

We don't need to do this. I got a call about the mortgage.

If we don't pay tomorrow, the sheriff's coming to put us out on the street.

Get the money out of there right now, I mean it!

Pull it out, put it in a sack! Let's go! Easy, hon.

God! Oh, God! Come on.

Wow, that's fantastic. Women are amazing, aren't they?

It's just like jelly jars.

Whoa, hon! Hon!

Look, look. Hon?

What? I don't think anybody's following us.

God!

Oh, look out for that.

Oh, park under there.

Oh, my God.

I can't believe we just did that. But we did do it.

We did do it.

It's not like we stole from some old lady, you know?

It's not like we stole from some old lady, you know?

Exactly. And you know, maybe we can figure out a way we can...

...give back some of what we've taken to other people.

Maybe we will. It's a definite possibility.

Wanna grab a cup of coffee?

Iced mocha sounds nice. Yeah.

All right, this is a holdup. Get on the ground and you won't get hurt.

Whoa, Jesus. Are you okay, hon?

I'm okay. All right.

You. Two iced mochas, let's go. Move it, move it.

Two iced mochas. Yeah. Whipped cream.

Whipped cream. Any whipped cream, hon, on yours?

No, thanks. None on hers.

No whipped cream. Are these nonfat muffins?

Are they nonfat muffins? ! I think so.

Okay. Hon, these are nonfat muffins. Get some of those.

Which ones, vanilla or chocolate? In the back, in the back.

This one? No, no, that one.

Front? Honey! No, that one. Okay.

Yeah, okay, that's good. Okay, nobody try to follow us...

...because we're desperate criminals. We're crazy people!

And I'll kill you all!

Oh, hon, the coffee. Coffee. Oh, yeah, right.

Thanks a lot.

What are you doing in there?

What do you think?

It's Elvis on a motorcycle? It's Evel Knievel, hon.

I like the way it makes my butt look.


Honey, where's my car?

Mercedes, off.

Now I can watch soccer!

No matter what happens, know that I love you.

I love you too.

Let's do this. Okay.

Go, go, go, go! Go, go, go, go!

Oh, my God.

This guy's really loaded.

That's a lot of lettuce.

Should we pistol-whip him?

Hey, don't laugh.

Don't you laugh now, okay?

Because it demeans what we're doing here.

Yeah.

Anyway, shall we? Let's do it.

What--? What is that? Nothing.

Don't do anything funny, or else.

You could pay the ultimate price.


Honey, come on, cut the crap.

Okay.

We sound so funny.

I know. That's what I was thinking.

Oh, my God.

Hel--

Did you guys hear what happened to Bob Blaustein?

Bob Blaustein? Yeah.

Who's Bob Blaustein? Oh, he works at Sonent Global.

Or should I say he worked at Sonent Global.

Yeah. Yeah, and if they're not careful...

...they'll become the next Pyramid Tech.

Absolutely. Absolutely.

Oh, Dick...

...what you been up to since Globodyne went under?

Just working at home, playing in the stock market.

I tell you, guys...

... it's like stealing money. You're on fire, Dick.

Last job, try to stay focused. Okay.

Let me hold that door for you, ma'am. Why, thank you.

You're welcome.

Oh, my goodness. This woman has fainted.

Are you all right? You might wanna open her blouse...

...so she can...

... breathe. Right.

Oh, no, no, no, no, l-- You okay?

Oh, no.

That's good.

Let me get back to you. Excuse me. Yes?

May I help you? Vault inspector.

What happened to Phil? Necrotizing fasciitis.

Caused by an invasive streptococcus.

What?

Flesh-eating disorder.

It's all over the money.

Might wanna wash your hands.

Everybody down! This is a robbery!

No way! Freeze, everybody.

Oh, God. Oh, my God.

Oh, no. Nobody move a muscle.

You. Whiskers, whiskers. On the floor.

Oh, Dick.

I will blow those whiskers...

... right off your face! I'm down!

Go get the money, please. You're-- You're money, I'm guns...

... that's the plan. Put your weapons down.

Oh, shit. Stick to the plan, stick to the plan.

I'm putting the weapon down. Bring it on, pigs!

Honey. What are you doing?

Oh, Dick. Oh, Dick. Oh, Dick. Run, Dick, run.

You coward! Stay on the ground.

Whoa, boy. You quitter!

I'm cuffed! I'm cuffed! You filthy pig.

I'm sorry. Bring it on.

Bring it on, I'll take on all of you! Oz?

Hon, get the car! Get the car! Debbie.

Thank you very much. Oh, Dick.

Honey.

Oh, thank God.

Oz and Debbie Peterson...

Oz and Debbie Peterson...

... former employees of now-defunct Globodyne...

... were charged with armed robbery...

... after holding up a local branch... Dick. Dick, that could have been us.

What were we thinking? and turned to crime as a result of their sudden unemployment, Like this woman, Naomi Seiler, a human-resources manager...

... caught last May managing a different kind of resource:

220 kilos of Canada 's finest marijuana, I knew her. She always remembered everybody's birthday.

Or this man, Mark Fish, a former VP of Globodyne, , , ... who was arrested after using his home as the setting...

... for secret high-stakes cockfights, Mark Fish? He was such a nice guy.

Globodyne CFO Frank Bascombe...

...starts serving his 18-month prison term next week, Eighteen months? That's nothing. Bastard.

-trying to incriminate Jack McAllister, Oh, yeah. I don't think I got away with anything, The collapse of Globodyne hurt me financially and personally...

... just like any other employee, I'm sick about it, I'm et up about it, Now watch this shot,

Did I get him?

Now you did, Great, Look at that guy.

Everybody's in hell, he's on vacation shooting stuff.

Man, I hope every one of these bastards get what they deserve.

Prosecutors say next to be indicted will be...

... company spin doctor Dick Harper, Harper gave misleading statements... What? Indicted?

... about Globodyne's finances one minute before the company...

Indicted? That's not fair. They made you...

...go on that show.

You hear what they said? I'm gonna be indicted.

But you only said what they told you. Indicted, Jane!

Indicted. I'm gonna be indicted.

Wait, it's gonna be-- Indicted!

Honey-- Dick-- Indicted!

Honey-- Gonna be indicted!

Hold it, they can't-- It's gonna be okay. Just calm down.

I can't calm down, I'm gonna be indicted. Indicted!

I'm gonna be indicted!

Indicted!

I'm gonna be indicted!

Be indicted!

You know, I haven't seen you in the downtown club for a while, sir.

Well, that's because I was very, very busy...

...being indicted.

Look at all the executives.

You guys are my kind of peeps.

Captains of industry, masters of the universe...

...presidents of Hair Club for Men. That's a nice piece of hair.

You can't even see the tread marks.

This squirrel died of natural causes.

Excuse me, pardon me.

I gotta get to the "toppytip" of the financial summit.

Isn't anyone going to do anything?

This happens every week. This guy actually isn't that bad.

I'm a corporate puppet.

And I'm gonna need some more string...

...so I can go on believing I'll be a real boy someday...

... without being manipulated... No, no, no, I got it.

...by the bullshit!

Oh, my God, Dick. Come down from there.

Hon, I'm in the middle of a very important meeting.

Sweetie, you're standing on a table pretending to be a puppet.

Who's pretending?

Couldn't you have just cut him off? He only had half a beer.

Dick, hi. Long time no see.

Frank! Frank! I'm gonna get him. Just--

Frank, where are you going?

Dick! Come on, Frank.

I just wanna have a talk.

Hey there, Frankie.

How do you like those eggs Florentine?

Wait, wait, wait! Wait, it was Jack.

It was Jack.

He siphoned off all of Globodyne's assets...

...and then he dumped the stock. It was his plan from the beginning.

Son of a bitch!

That fucker!

Hon, language. She's right.

When you get out of prison...

...you'll get $20 million to keep your mouth shut.

No, 1 0. You think I could have gotten 20?

You son of a b--

You'll break-- Dick. I want him.

Let go. Don't you think I feel terrible?

Why do you think I'm drinking myself to death?

Instead of drinking, why don't you do something about it.

Yeah, Frank. Sometimes the cure is a clean conscience.

That is good. Thanks, hon.

I just thought of it. You did?

Yeah. You're right.

You're right. Help me up. Help me up.

Yeah, help me up. I gotta think of something.

Okay, just give me a minute. Just give me--

Hey.

Hey!

Not this time, Frank. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

It's force of habit. I know a way. I know a way.

But it's really, really risky.

That's where Jack keeps it.

Four hundred million in highly liquid U.S. bearer bonds.

So it's a vault job. Go in after midnight, bypass security...

...and... power tools.

It's a little simpler than that. Power tools?

Jack's gonna have to take those bonds out of the safe-deposit box, That should be fun for him, Here's my babies.

So, what's he gonna do with the money?

There it is, the Grand Cayman Bank.

Grand Cayman. What is this place?

It's where rich people go to evade taxes, Bastards, Honey, They can't hear us, What's next?

McAllister takes the bonds to a representative...

... who asks him for his signature to verify what they call "membership, "

Once the bonds are counted and confirmed...

... McAllister will receive a CRM-114 deposit form...

... and on this form he inputs his account number...

... that only he and the bank know, Then the agent will take this...

...to an authorization officer for further verification.

Once the representative has stamped and initialed the document...

... the account rep will take the CRM- 1 14...

... back to McAllister for final approval before finalization, You said this was gonna be simple.

Can you explain it again? Jane doesn't seem to understand.

Jane, it's simple. It's so simple. Jeez.

Now, listen.

All we have to do...

... is switch McAllister’s CRM-114 with his account number...

... with one of our own, I'm so sorry. A copy that we have made...

...that has a number from an account that I have established.

And Jack sends the 400 million to us without knowing it.

That's-- You got it. It's so simple.

That is beautiful. It's a switch.

It's a switch, It's a switch, It's a switch. That's so sexy, man.

That's unbelievable. It'll be fun. But Jane's gonna have to do it.

Because if McAllister sees either one of us, he'll know something's up.

And l... ? Do nothing.

I can do that.

Yeah.

Okay.

You do it, then. You're the one. Yeah.

Yeah.

You could do it, except-- No, it's good.

No, you do it. You do it. You do it.

You deserve to do it. Honey--

Are you ready to make the switch? Do you have the form?

It's right here. We should practice the move.

No, I got it. Okay, fine.

I won't be involved. I won't participate at all.

You do it. It's all you. Let's do one for good luck.

I got dressed up. You're not doing me any favors.

Get out of the car! I just think it's important.

That's all.

Okay, I'll be the bank representative. And you be you.

Hey. Hey! Wait, sir.

No! No, no. No! Sorry.

Everybody ready? No.

What? Well, Dick lost the form.

So.... What?

Do you have an extra copy?

Do you have any idea what I went through to get that? !

Oh, let me guess, a fifth of Scotch!

You son of a--

Wait. Stop it. Knock it off!

My God. Wait a second. Can we get another one?

Is that possible? How can we do that?

You know what, I'm gonna take the car...

...and I'm gonna try to delay McAllister.

He's here. He's here. Oh, God.

What are you--? I'm going.

That was not cool.

Okay. It's very simple. I got it.

I got it. It's very simple. What?

Go into the bank. Go into the office of the client-relations coordinator.

The document forms are backed up on her disk, you have to print one out.

Who's this guy? Do I say hello? Never mind. Just blow past them.

Quaint.

McAllister, 1 2 o'clock.

Okay, I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go stall him.

Hon. What?

How am I supposed to find the client-relations coordinator?

Turn around.

Oh, my-- Oh, my God. Oh, my God, Jack McAllister.

I'm sorry? It's me, Deb Festerbooth.

Hi. Hi.

Oh, is that the legendary espresso machine?

You want some?

Really, could l? Sure, yeah.

Good to see you. From the fundraiser.

I am truly sorry, but I really don't recall you, Miss... ?

Festerbrook-- Booth. Yes. No, listen, this is crazy.

You have to remember.

And here you go. Thank you.

Oh, excuse me. That's my phone.

Oh, me too.

Grand Cayman Bank, how may I help you?

Karen Williams, please.

This is Karen. Yes, Mrs. Williams...

...this is Officer Redgreen...

...of the MVPDL.

And we've recovered a stolen vehicle that is registered in your name.

We'd appreciate it if you could come to the impound lot--

What? My car's been stolen?

Don't you remember my tattoo of a green monkey on my ass?

Someone stole my car right out of the parking lot.

No way.

Yeah. It's Dick.

I got it.

Dick. Yeah.

Is the client-relations coordinator a blond woman with a red scarf?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She noticed her car isn't stolen.

What's the account number? P-N-5-9-7...

P-N-5-9-7...

...2-K-4-0. 2-4-K--

No, 2-K-4-0.

Oh, my God. Got it.

Oh, my God, my car!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I didn't see you there. What is wrong with you?

What's wrong with me?

You're parked in a handicapped space.

That's not a handicapped space. It is now!

Yes!


What are you doing here? It's too late.

The account rep's authorizing the CRM-1 1 4 right now.

Oh, man!

Wait a second. He's not going back into the room.

Where is he going? I'm gonna go down...

...and get this stamped and initialed. You stall him.

Oh, I hate stalling!

Catches my dust. Traffic congestion.

Hey, Spence, good to see you again. How you been?

Well, thank you.

Will you excuse me for a moment?

Of course. Yeah.

Say, Dick, I'm probably gonna be arrested for DWI...

...so I won't be there when you get out.

Can we talk about this later? Look what I found in his car.

I don't wish to discuss this in front of the branch employees, that's why.

Nobody likes to be the bad guy, Bill. But here I am, chopping heads.

I already verified-- I understand the need for layoffs.

I'm concerned about morale.

I'm fine, really. Thank you very much. Thank you.

Madam, can I have my form back? What did you just call me?

I just don't wanna start a bloodbath.

Can I have my form back? Your "forn"?

Is that how you spell your name? Why don't I just do this for you, sir.

My form.

You know, there is one bright light here.

Spencer, the guy with the stampy thing, he's top-drawer.

Thank you, sir.

Dick?

Dick Harper?

Jack McAllister.

You just struck me. Look what the cat coughed up.

My gosh, you cut an impressive swath, I'll tell you that.

And you smell good too, you devil. Just hold on a second.

What do you say we put all this behind us.

Dick, what are you doing here? You know, working, mostly, here...

...temporarily, over in Transfers.

Okay? Just drop it. I heard you left town.

Yeah, I was in Mexico for a while. But mostly I've been working in Transfers.

Oh, I see. Poppycocker.

I wanted to tell you that you are my inspiration.

There's no hard feelings? You did the best you could.

That's all anybody could ask for. Decent of you to say.

Like my granddaddy used to tell me--

Bye.

It was so great. We did it!

Mr. McAllister, please.

I don't know. I think I made a mistake.

Are you kidding? You were great! No, no, no.

Here we are, sir.

Days like this, they make my hands shake.

Know what I'm saying? I can imagine.

What's he doing? I don't know. What is he doing?

We got one situation here, now, fellas...

...which is that that number wrong.

That's incorrect right there.

Did he see us? I have no idea.

I think he saw you.

I think he saw you.

You were sticking your big head out there.

I gotta hit the road here, fellas, so I'm gonna sign this for you...

... then you gonna change it. Yes.

Oh, man. You know, this is really not the time.

This is really not the time. Oh, God, he's coming.

He's coming, hon. Okay.

Jack, hey. It was great seeing you.

Where's Frank Bascombe? Come again?

You didn't think I'd catch that, now, did you?

What do you mean? Here's what you're gonna do.

You're gonna turn around and march out of here now.

You're gonna take Goldilocks there with you.

And I won't put the two of you in prison for a very long time.

Actually, honey, I think that sounds pretty good. I think....

I think we should take it, you know.

You think so, hon?

I do.

Because I don't. Dick Harper.

I've been terminated, bankrupted, deported and blackmailed...

...because of you.

And I'm not leaving here without your money.

What you gonna do, Dick? Shoot me if I don't approve that form?

Write me a check.

You are kidding me. Dick, it's not gonna do us any good.

He's just gonna cancel it the minute we walk out of here.

I don't care.

I don't care.

I'm not walking out of this bank empty-handed.

All right. All right, Dick, I'm gonna write you a check.

I'm gonna need my hand back. Gladly.

All right. Yes, sir. I'm gonna write you that check.

And what's more, I'm not gonna cancel it.

Because I think it takes a lot of cojones...

...to do what you two have done here today. And I admire that.

So...

...here you go.

Just a little something to show you what I think you're worth.

Y'all take care, now.

Dick, honey...

...give me the squirt gun, okay?

Do you still have McAllister’s form?

Why?

Because I just got his signature.

Weren't you an art major?

Dick Harper! I had no idea what you were doing.

I was completely fooled. My God, I didn't know you could act.

Hon, in 1 0th grade I played Biff in Death of a Salesman.

Come on. That's just--

See the way I got my eyes watering up?

Yes, sir. It's all right there.

I am married to a genius.

It's a turn-on, isn't it?

You're a criminal. I'm a hardened criminal.

Hon, first we need to talk to Spencer.

Right.

Are you in the habit of signing things without looking at them?

Miss Sheinkopf?

Miss Sheinkopf, I'm gonna be home by 6.

Mr. McAllister! Jack!

Mr. McAllister! Mr. McAllister!

We're all waiting for you over here, Jack. Everybody's really pumped.

Come on!

Is this some kind of a joke, Dick?

Are you still trying to get even with me?

Why would I get even with such a generous man?

I still can't believe you did that. Jane and I were way off base.

He's on in 20, right? Hook him up. Wait, on what?

Sam Samuels. MoneyLife.

Oh, and here are some suggested responses.

Live to Southern California, where...

... in a stunning act of personal generosity, Jack McAllister...

Who the hell do you think you are?

I'm your VP of Communications, Jack.

-personally funded the defunct corporation's pension fund, You said I just did what?

God, I love this guy, But seriously, Jack, what made you do it?

Well, l-- Sam, l....

I realized, Sam, that since the employees of Globodyne...

...had given me so much, it was time for me to give back to them.

So yesterday, I wire-transferred...

...$400 million...

...into the newly created Globodyne Pension Relief Fund.

Oh, yeah!

Let's look at what happened when the first ex-Globodyne employees...

... received their shares of money, Many people had their life savings invested in the company...

...and were delighted to learn their pensions had been returned, It is the first time in U, S, corporate history...

... that a CEO has personally funded a bankrupted pension plan, This incredible gesture won't soon be forgotten by the people...

... whose lives it has so dramatically affected, And this is just the beginning, In the coming months, thousands more will be receiving a check...

... for the full value of their lost pensions and life savings, Jack, Jack, he's got your back!

Jack, Jack, he's got your back!

Jack, Jack, he's got your back!

You hear that? They love you, Jack.

Now, go to hell. Mr. McAllister...

...do you consider yourself a modern-day Robin Hood?

Does this mean you're off the hook? Do you wanna save the whales?

Now, hang on a minute.

Have you decided to contribute to the homeless?

What made you so gracious?

Mr. McAllister, how do you feel right now?

Mr. McAllister, how about giving a brother a buck?

Look at our beautiful family.

My name is Dick Harper.

I agree. Hey, Harpers, stick them up!

Look who it is. Hey, Garth.

How you doing, Garth?

Great. Hey, how do you like the new wheels?

Nice. Hooked up with a new company.

Great benefits. Yeah?

Yeah. They trade energy. It's called Enron.