Funny Girl (1968) Script

Hello, gorgeous.


Miss Fanny?

Miss Fanny? Down here, Emma. Third row.

I came in early to tidy up, and the doorman said you were in.

What you doing out there?

Mm.

It's the one place in the theater I've never sat.

Maybe things look different from here.

This is the day, isn't it?

Yeah.

Any word yet?

No. The wire just said tonight.

You nervous?

Ah. Nervous, happy, scared, excited…

I'm going to make a fresh pot of coffee. You coming?

No, no. I think I'll just sit here for a while, okay?

Well, I'll be in the dressing room if you want me.

Oh. Mr. Ziegfeld wants to see you. When you feel like it, he says.

He'll be waiting in his office.

Thanks, Em.

Did you hear that, Mrs. Strakosh?

Ziegfeld is waiting for me.

For me.

See, you were wrong, Mrs. Strakosh.

No, Fanny, darling, I'm not wrong.

For a girl, for average, you're a pleasure.

But when people pay good money in the theater, ha, especially the male element, they want something extra to look at.

But if a girl isn't… If a girl isn't what?

♪ If a girl isn't pretty ♪ ♪ Like a Miss Atlantic City ♪

♪ All she gets from life ♪ ♪ Is pity and a pat ♪

♪ Kindly name a star who hasn't ♪ ♪ Won a contest or a pageant ♪

♪ If she hasn't she just never ♪ ♪ Gets to bat ♪

♪ She must a-shine in every detail ♪ ♪ Like a ring you're buyin' retail ♪

♪ Be a standard size that ♪ ♪ Fits a standard dress ♪

♪ When a girl's incidentals ♪ ♪ Are no bigger than two lentils ♪

♪ Then to me ♪ ♪ It doesn't spell success ♪ Don't worry, they'll look at me.

The whole world will look at me and be stunned. Oh!

That was all right when you were a child and made funny faces.

Then, you were cute. My condolences, you're no longer cute.

Aww.

♪ From three faces that could cause ya ♪ ♪ To have temporary nausea ♪

♪ Do I have to hear a lecture ♪ ♪ Such as that? ♪

♪ Is a nose with deviation ♪ ♪ Such a crime against the nation? ♪ Ma. Ma.

♪ Should I throw her into jail ♪ ♪ Or drown the cat? ♪ Ma! Bye.

Bye.

♪ So she looks ♪ ♪ A bit off balance ♪

♪ She possesses ♪ ♪ Golden talents ♪

♪ Or is that a pill too bitter ♪ ♪ To digest? ♪

I've got them! Right off the net! Fresh fish!

Fresh fish!

Wait a minute, wait.

No, no, it's all right. I'm one of the 8 Beautiful Girls 8.

Well, the makeup helps a lot.

Really.

♪ Ah-ye-ah-ay ♪

♪ Ah-ye-ah-ay ♪ Sell it, sell it.

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ah-ye-ah-ay ♪

Get in there, Fanny.

Knees high. High! Way up there.

Go.

Hold it, Eddie.

Hold it!

You, with the skinny legs.

You. Yes, you, with the bloomers!

Yeah?

You're fired. What?

You call that a replacement? What, Eddie, did you owe somebody a favor?

It seemed like a funny idea. What's funny?

That's what I say. Back at 4.

Yeah, but listen. Wait, you're making a mistake.

I've got a lot of experience, honest. I've been on-stage since I was 10.

Amateur contests, Gottlieb's Southern Repertory, professional companies. I doubled six parts.

I played a daughter and her father. A 60-year-old Indian chief.

Listen, girlie… How. Ha-ha-ha.

Please, you've got to face facts. You don't look like the other girls.

But… You've got skinny legs, you stick out.

And you are out! Eddie? I'm trying to tell you something… Sorry, kid. Give me a chance!

Out. I do a terrific time step! Watch!

Out.

Look, Mr. Keeney, suppose all you ever had was onion rolls.

Now, all of a sudden, in walks a bagel.

So you take a look at it and say, "What is that?"

Until you tried it. So that's my trouble.

What's your trouble?

I'm a bagel on a plate full of onion rolls!

Nobody recognizes me. Listen:

♪ I got 36 expressions ♪ ♪ Sweet as pie to tough as leather ♪

♪ And that's six expressions more ♪ ♪ Than all them Barrymores put together ♪ Come on.

♪ Instead of just kicking me ♪ Come on.

♪ Why don't they give me a lift? ♪ ♪ Well, it must be a plot ♪

♪ 'Cause they're scared that I got ♪ ♪ Such a gift ♪ Oh, sure. Let's go.

♪ Well, I'm miffed ♪ Hey!

♪ 'Cause I'm the greatest star ♪

♪ I am by far ♪

♪ But no one knows it ♪

♪ Wait ♪ ♪ They're gonna hear a voice ♪

♪ A silver flute ♪ ♪ A-la, la-ha ♪

♪ They'll cheer each toot ♪ ♪ Hey, that kid is terrific ♪

♪ When I expose it ♪

♪ Can't you see to look at me ♪ ♪ That I'm a natural Camille ♪

♪ As Camille I just feel ♪ ♪ I've so much to offer ♪

♪ Hey, listen, kid ♪ ♪ I know I'd be divine ♪

♪ Because I'm a natural cougher ♪

♪ Some ain't got it, not a lump ♪

♪ I'm a great big clump of talent ♪ ♪ Laugh ♪

♪ They'll bend in half ♪

♪ Did you ever hear the story ♪ ♪ About the traveling salesman? ♪

♪ A thousand jokes ♪ ♪ Stick around for the jokes ♪ Sure.

♪ A thousand faces ♪ ♪ I reiterate ♪

♪ When you're gifted ♪ ♪ Then you're gifted ♪

♪ These are facts ♪ ♪ I got no ax to grind ♪

♪ Hey, what are you, blind? ♪

♪ In all of the world so far ♪ ♪ I'm the greatest star ♪ No autographs, please. Huh? What? What'd she say?

You think beautiful girls'll stay in style forever?

I should say not. Any minute now they're gonna be out. Finished!

Then it'll be my turn!

Mom! Ma! Mom!

♪ Who is the pip with pizazz? ♪ ♪ Who is all ginger and jazz? ♪

♪ Who is as glamorous as? ♪ ♪ Who's an American beauty rose? ♪

♪ With an American beauty nose ♪

♪ And 10 American beauty toes ♪

♪ Eyes on the target and wham ♪

♪ One shot, one gunshot ♪ ♪ And bam ♪

♪ Hey, Mr. Kenney ♪ ♪ Here I am ♪

♪ I'm the greatest star ♪ ♪ I am by far ♪

♪ But no one knows it ♪

♪ That's why I was born ♪

♪ I'll blow my horn ♪

♪ Till someone blows it ♪

♪ I'll light up like a light ♪ ♪ Right up like a light ♪

♪ I'll flicker then flare up ♪

♪ All the world's gonna stare up ♪

♪ Lookin' down ♪ ♪ You'll never see me ♪

♪ Try the sky ♪ ♪ 'Cause that'll be me ♪

♪ I can make 'em cry ♪ ♪ I can make 'em sigh ♪

♪ Someday they'll clamor ♪ ♪ For my "drammer" ♪

♪ Have you guessed yet ♪

♪ Who's the best yet ♪

♪ If you ain't ♪ ♪ I'll tell you one more time ♪

♪ You'll bet your last dime ♪ ♪ In all of the world so far ♪

♪ I am the greatest ♪

♪ Greatest ♪

♪ Star ♪


You're no chorus girl.

You're a singer and a comic.

Yeah. With skinny legs.

Mm. So why'd you try out for the chorus?

Because that's what you were looking for.

If you were looking for a juggler, I'd have been a juggler.

I just gotta get on the stage somehow.

How come you hired me?

Because you wanted it so much.

You sure you're tough enough for show business?

Maybe not.

Say, can you roller-skate? You got a sudden urge to go skating?

I'm trying out a novelty number tomorrow.

If you can skate, be here at noon.

What about Keeney? He won't be in till night.

By then the number'll be in the show. He'll kill you. Might even fire you.

Not if you're good.

Are you sure you can roller-skate?

Can I roller-skate?

Whee!

Whee!

You said you could skate. I didn't know I couldn't.

Nora. Sandra.

Cherry. Wilma.

Ruthie. Polly.

Fanny.

♪ The roller skate rag ♪ ♪ Is a really up-to-date rag ♪

♪ It's heard every place ♪ ♪ You find the grand ole flag ♪

♪ Click your skates ♪ ♪ Spin your wheels ♪

♪ You're gonna be surprised ♪

♪ How your torso feels ♪ ♪ Whee! ♪ Go. Get out there. Whee!

Aah!

♪ The girls in Paree ♪ ♪ In gay Paree across the sea ♪

♪ Say it's bigger than fads ♪ ♪ That ever used to be ♪ Oh, thanks, mister, I really… Ah!

Hey, you!

Oh!


♪ Click your skates ♪ ♪ Spin your wheels, twirl your hips ♪

♪ Click, spin, twirl ♪


Lady… What are you doing?

Stay there. What are you doing?

Fanny, they liked you. Go back out there, Fan. Go ahead, honey.

Go back… It's my show!

No, you don't. Aah!

Oh, I'm sorry. Ugh.

Her. On her. Over there!


Smile.


Eddie, they liked it! Did you hear that…?

Mr. Keeney… Eddie, get the next act on.

What do you think I'm paying you for? So they shouldn't like it?

You're paying me?

I don't know what you're paying me, but I bet it isn't enough.

When I get around to thinking about you, I'll let you know.

Well, if it isn't Miss Roller Skates.

Listen, I'm really sorry, girls. Oh, sure you are.

We heard the applause.

I'm sorry I loused up the number, but I couldn't help it.

Long as I did, I'm glad it was a hit.

Who do you think will see you in this dump? Florenz Ziegfeld?

Why not? You think the word can't spread? I'll spread it myself.

I know a lady who knows the lady who makes his shirts.

Sure you do. He's gonna hear about me.

Go ahead and laugh. I'm telling you something.

One night, you'll be laughing and kidding, just like that, and there'll be a knock.

You see? And there he'll be, Ziegfeld!

I'm sorry to disappoint you, but the name's Arnstein.

Uh, did you wanna see someone? Yes.

You.

Gorgeous.

I beg your pardon? Oh, I mean, your shirt.

It's absolutely the most gorgeous thing I've ever seen in my life.

What's it made out of?

Oh, French handkerchief linen. It goes very limp, though.

Yeah. I can see. Except, it's really beautiful.

All the tailcoats I've seen, I mean, well, they were rented, you know, they all got these stiff shirts.

Well, this one's just for fun.

You've probably heard this very often that it's boring, but I had to tell you how much I enjoyed what you did.

It's not so boring. You'd be surprised how boring it isn't.

You're going to be a big star someday, Miss, uh… Uh, Brice. Fanny Brice.

Fanny Brice.

I'll look for it in lights.

Ah. What'd you say your name was? Nick Arnstein.

♪ Nicky Arnstein, Nicky Arnstein ♪ ♪ What a beautiful, beautiful name ♪ Thinking about me yet, Mr. Keeney? Oh, it's you. Hello, Arnstein.

I'll give you $25 a week. Take it or leave it.

I'll take it. Leave it.

I'm offering 35.

You're offering? Since when are you…?

In show business? I'm not.

One of your competitors authorized me to deal for him whenever I ran across a talent I considered really unique.

So, uh, $35 a week?

Forty. Forty-five.

Fifty. Heh.

Well, I wasn't authorized to go over 50.

Keeney, she's yours for $50 a week. Congratulations.

Yeah. Ha-ha-ha. Yeah.

Fifty dollars a week?

Fifty a week? I'm practically a millionaire!

Hey, who's the competitor? There's no competitor.

What do you mean, you were bluffing? Like in a poker game?

Mm-hm. Oh, uh… Well, what if Keeney stopped first? You'd have lost.

I would've lost a job. I was willing to take a chance.

With my job?

Hey, Nicky.

Come on. We're waiting. Hurry up.

I'll be with you in a minute.

Wow. Are those yours?

I'm just minding them for a friend.

Look, we're going to Delmonico's for supper. Won't you join us?

We'd be happy to wait while you change.

I'd have to change too much. Nobody could wait that long.

I'd have a much better time and a lot more laughs.

Well, um… thanks anyway but I gotta meet a gang of people at my mother's saloon.

Hmm? Honest.

You want a couple of jokes to take with you?

I'll wait till the next time we meet, which will be soon, I hope.

♪ Nicky Arnstein, Nicky Arnstein ♪ ♪ He's got polish on his nails ♪

Hey!

Tell them to put a little starch in the last rinse. That way, it won't go so limp.

Oh.

A little starch in the last rinse.

Thank you. I won't forget.

♪ Nicky Arnstein, Nicky Arnstein ♪

♪ I'll never see him again ♪ Hmm.

There's a telegram!

There's a telegram for Mrs. Brice! Telegram, telegram, telegram!

Come on, telegram!

There's a telegram for the Brices! The Western Union man.

That's life for you. Somebody's dead.

Come on, telegram!

A telegram for Mrs. Brice!

What is it? Come on.

What do you think of my new song? I like the old one better.

Yeah, but I'm tired of it. I've been singing it for six months.

So? So?

What?

What's that?

Oh, look, here's Fanny now. Shh. Let her mama tell her.

Rosie.

Who is it, Mama?

Auntie Blanche or Lou?

Ziegfeld.

He died?

"Dear Miss Brice. Stop.

Please meet me at the New Amsterdam Theatre on Thursday morning at 11. Stop. Florence Ziegfeld."

See? By heart, like the Pledge Allegiance.

Mazel tov, Fanny, darling, mazel tov.

I knew you could do it. My stomach aches.

I wonder how a mother could call a boy Florence.

It's Florenz.

I wonder how a mother could call a boy Florenz.

You think it's a job or an audition? A job.

You know what I think? Somebody talked to him about me.

See, I met this guy backstage one night with a ruffled shirt on.

Just the kind of guy you figure to know Ziegfeld.

I bet you he said a word. That's what must have happened.

Oh, my head aches. Nothing aches.

You're built like a horse. I have nothing to wear.

What's she been walking around in all this time? Towels?

It's coming too easy. That's what's got me scared.

Where's all the suffering before you click?

And the hard knocks, and the setbacks you're supposed to learn from?

This is too quick. I haven't suffered enough yet.

You haven't got the job yet. Who says if you get it, in a week you can't lose it?

Cheer up. Maybe you'll suffer later.

If you're as bossy with Ziegfeld as you are with… I am not bossy with you or anyone.

And even if I was, Ziegfeld isn't just anyone.

And believe me, whatever he tells me to do, that's what I'll do.

♪ Even our piano in the parlor ♪

♪ Father bought for 10 cents ♪ ♪ On the dollar ♪

♪ Second hand pearls ♪ ♪ I'm wearin' ♪

♪ Second hand curls ♪

♪ I never get a single thing ♪ ♪ That's new ♪

♪ Even Jake the plumber ♪ ♪ He's the man I adore ♪

♪ He had the nerve to tell me ♪ ♪ He's been married before ♪

♪ Everyone knows that I'm just ♪ ♪ Second hand Rose ♪

♪ From Second Avenue ♪

♪ From Second Avenue ♪ New?

Bravo, Miss Brice! Perfectly charming, and I'm delighted.

John, will you get the bride music for Miss Brice, please?

Yes, sir. You mean I'm hired?

Uh-huh. I'm a Ziegfeld Girl?

That's exactly what you are.

I'm a Ziegfeld Girl.

Miss Brice, you will do "Second Hand Rose" in the first act and you will sing this new number in the finale.

Anything you say.

And just go along with Tony, and he'll teach it to you.

John, I want to see the second act opening right from the top.

I'll watch it from the balcony. Turn on the rails.

Right, sir. Oh, Bill, will you turn on the rails for Mr. Ziegfeld, please?

We'll do the second act opening, kids.

This way, miss.

Hey!

Paul. Paul?

Mr. Ziegfeld? Mr. Ziegfeld?

Yoo-hoo, Mr. Ziegfeld?

Mr. Ziegfeld?

Georgia, you're late.

Sorry, Flo.

Where is he? He's up above. Like God.

Mr. Ziegfeld?

Mr. Ziegfeld? Mr. Ziegfeld?

Yes, Miss Brice?

I don't wanna be in the finale.

What was that you said?

Well, I just, um… I can't sing words like:

"I am the beautiful reflection of my love's affection." I mean… Ahem.

Why not?

Well, it's embarrassing. Why don't I just do my first act number and we'll call it a night, okay?

No, it's not okay. Why not?

Miss Brice, may I remind you that you're in my theater?

So nobody argues with the landlord?

Wait right there. I'm coming down.

Uh-oh. Take five. Take five, everybody.

Just take five.

Is that bad, he's coming down? Only if you wanna stay in the show.

What's your name? Fanny Brice.

Georgia James. Hi.

Tell him you were wrong. But I'm not.

Oh. Well, in that case, it was nice to have met you.

Miss Brice?

Now, what is all this? Not two minutes ago you said:

"Anything you say, Mr. Ziegfeld." Remember?

Yes, and I'm sorry. But if I come out opening night telling the audience how beautiful I am, I'll be back at Keeney's before the curtain comes down. I assure you that won't happen.

But I need a strong voice in the finale.

But please take me out of it.

Miss Brice, if I take you out of the finale, I will also take you out of the Follies. It's just that simple.

Okay, you win.

Thank you.

You don't win fair, but you win.

John, forget the second act opening.

I want to see the bride number with Miss Brice.

She can walk through it. Right, sir.

All right, this'll be the bride number.

Mr. Ziegfeld?

Mr. Ziegfeld!

Now what?

Listen, can I hum it?

All right. Okay, girl. You will sing the words exactly as written.

And that, Miss Brice, is the end of this discussion.

Yes, Mr. Ziegfeld.

Whatever you say, Mr. Ziegfeld.

Ooh! I'm sorry.

♪ The most beautiful bride ♪ ♪ In the world ♪

♪ And we are the very lucky gents ♪

♪ Who'll be standing at the sides ♪ ♪ Of the scintillating brides ♪

♪ Florenz Ziegfeld ♪ ♪ Now presents ♪

♪ You are the beautiful reflection ♪ ♪ Of his love's affection ♪

♪ The walking illustration ♪ ♪ Of his adoration ♪

♪ His love makes you beautiful ♪

♪ So beautiful ♪ ♪ So beautiful ♪

♪ You ask your looking glass ♪ ♪ What is it ♪

♪ Makes you so exquisite ♪ ♪ The answer to your query ♪

♪ Comes back, dearie ♪

♪ His love makes you beautiful ♪ ♪ So beautiful ♪

♪ So beautiful ♪

♪ And woman loved ♪ ♪ Is woman glorified ♪

♪ You'll make a beautiful, beautiful ♪ ♪ Beautiful, beautiful bride ♪


♪ The winter bride is typified ♪ ♪ By Christmas, frost and fairies ♪

♪ An though the weather is changeable ♪ ♪ Her virtue never varies ♪

♪ The springtime bride ♪ ♪ Is starry-eyed ♪

♪ And poets often say ♪

♪ No other bride ♪ ♪ Would dare to dream ♪

♪ The dreams that April ♪ ♪ May ♪

♪ The summer bride is glorified ♪ ♪ By Merlin's magic touch ♪

♪ A lucky man receives ♪ ♪ The love ♪

♪ Of June ♪ ♪ July ♪

♪ And such ♪

♪ The autumn bride is prudent and wise ♪ ♪ At sweet 16 or 20 ♪

♪ And as a wife in future life ♪ ♪ She'll hold the horn of plenty ♪

♪ And now a singing bride ♪ ♪ Who vocally encompasses ♪

♪ The happiness and harmony ♪ ♪ That marriage truly promises ♪

♪ I am the beautiful reflection ♪

♪ Of my love's affection ♪

♪ A walking illustration ♪

♪ Of his adoration ♪

♪ His love makes you beautiful ♪

♪ So beautiful, so beautiful ♪

♪ I ask my looking glass ♪

♪ What is it makes me ♪ ♪ So exquisite ♪

♪ The answer to your query ♪ ♪ Comes back, dearie ♪

♪ His love makes you beautiful ♪

♪ Oh-oh ♪

♪ So beautiful ♪

♪ Ahk-ahk ahk-ahk ♪

♪ So beautiful ♪

♪ Ahhhhhh ♪

♪ You are so beautiful ♪

♪ I am so beautiful ♪

♪ You are so beautiful ♪


♪ The most beautiful bride ♪ ♪ In the world ♪

My friend the showstopper.

You could have told me. I didn't know about it until I was in my dressing room, and I saw… I had to do something.

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much.

It went beautifully. You were all very good, and I am proud of you.

Congratulations. Thank you.

Wonderful, Flo. That finale topped everything.

Mr. Ziegfeld, I… Be quiet.

The bride number was wonderful.

Yes, that was fun, wasn't it?

All right, Miss Brice.

I'm waiting. I don't blame you for being mad.

But I didn't do it out of spite. I didn't plan it.

I was just sitting here and… "Oh, look. What do you know?"

Because I couldn't do it straight like those girls.

They would have laughed.

And they did. Yes, but it was my joke. You see?

They laughed with me, not at me. Because I wanted them to laugh.

But, I mean… You know what I mean.

No, explain it to me.

Miss Brice can't see anyone. Oh, not even her mama?

Mama… Darling, everybody's talking.

You were wonderful.

You know, we're so proud of you, we're ready to bust.

Proud, yes. But surprised, no.

Mr. Ziegfeld, this is my mother. Oh, the big boss.

Oh, Mr. Ziegfeld. You have a hit on your hands.

Especially with my daughter, Fanny. Ma.

This is Mrs. Strakosh, our neighbor. And this is Eddie Ryan. He's my friend.

Oh, Mr. Ziegfeld. How do you do? How do you do?

Mr. Ziegfeld, you're a genius.

To put a beautiful wedding gown on a girl that's in the family way.

Who would think of such a thing?

Only one person I know.

We'd better go. Mrs. Brice is expecting half the neighborhood.

Half? All.

Free beer. You come, huh? Mm-hm. Beer?

Mama, I'll come home soon.

Take your time. I'm gonna be so busy showing off.

How many mothers on Henry Street are the mother of a Ziegfeld star?

Bye. I'll see you later.

Well, you have a charming mother, and I have a problem.

I ought to fire you, but I love talent.

And, well, it's hard to quarrel with five curtain calls.

Six.

Well, there you are. That's my problem.

So I guess I'll have to give you another chance.

Oh, Mr. Ziegfeld! Uh… Did he fire you? Not yet.

But I'll ring the curtain down on you if you disobey my orders again.

I won't. I won't. Never, ever.

I'll do it straight tomorrow night. Um… I mean, uh, without the, uh, pillow.

You'll do it exactly as you did tonight.

That's an order. You mean you liked it?

No! But the audience did. That's why I'm going to give you another number.

I'll choose a new song for you.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Ziegfeld! The only thing is, um, about that song… I mean, a song, you know, it's a very, very intimate thing.

I mean, it's really between me and the, um, audience. Ha, ha.

So?

So, um, ahem, one of the things I really feel definite about is choosing my own.

Choosing your own what?

Songs. Songs.

Oh.

Good evening.

And congratulations. Both of you. Oh. Hello, Nick.

It's you, my first ruffled shirt. Good to see you. How are they running?

Oh, ahead, Flo, just like you and this little girl.

First time I saw her, I had a hunch you two belonged together.

I have the same hunch. And it's aging me… fast. Ha-ha-ha.

I knew it. It was you who told him about me.

Afraid not, I wish I had. I don't believe you.

Have it your own way.

And you had it your own way on that stage tonight, didn't you?

Six curtain calls.

Only five.

But you stopped the show. I did! I stopped the Follies!

I knew you would. I wrote the card with your flowers before the show.

What? The yellow roses.

Oh, I didn't even have a chance to look! Oh.

Oh, they're beautiful.

"Dear Star, I told you so." Don't forget, I saw you work out.

So where would you like to go?

Luchow's? Delmonico's? A party? Two parties?

I can't. I gotta meet a gang of people… "At my mother's saloon."

Not again. Can't you skip it? No. It wouldn't be nice.

It's sort of a party, um, for me.

You wanna come? I'd love to.

You mean it? Of course.

Think it over. It's a neighborhood thing.

It might waste the whole evening for you.

I'll be with you, won't I?

Oh.

Go ahead, get dressed.


Candidly, Mrs. Brice, that's a good-looking fellow.

Gorgeous. He reminds me of Fanny's papa, my ex, also gorgeous.

Wherever he is, he should only stay there, huh?

What do you do anyway? I mean, between my opening nights?

Live. Everybody does that.

Hardly anyone does. But I do. And on the side, I gamble.

You just gamble?

Yes. Like you did tonight.

♪ Ba-bum ba-dum ♪ You married?

No, Mrs. Strakosh, I'm not married.

So you're Mrs. Strakosh's married daughter, Sadie.

To a dentist.

Oh, Mr. Arnstein, could I interest you in a friendly little game of poker?

Ha-ha-ha. Three-cent limit.

I was hoping you'd ask me. Oh, good.

Deuces, tens and jokers wild. What?

We're out for blood.

Would you care to deal? All right.

Oh, look! Heh.

That's marvelous.

I think he's played a game of poker before, that Mr. Arnstein.

The way he looks to home.

He's a gentleman.

A gentleman fits in any place. A sponge fits in any place.

To me, when a person's a stranger, they should act a little strange.

I bet.

Call. I call.


I'm afraid you're too good for me. Oh!

I see. I got two pair.

Oh, it's yours.

Oh, I win, I win, I win! Ha-ha-ha.

How much do I owe? Uh… I think 27 cents.

Fine bunch of crooks I introduced you to.

We had a little more practice, that's all.

Oh, Fanny, darling, I'm so happy for your success.

Only one thing could make me happier. What?

To dance at your wedding. Ha-ha-ha.

Come on, children, sit down.

Talk a little. Settle in.

Oh. Should I murder her now or wait till the party's over?

Now. No, I like her.

Besides, I've been waiting all evening for a chance to be alone with you.

Where does that go?

Uh, it's the alley.

Come.

Alone at last.

Fanny, congratulations!

Thanks, Mrs. Nadler. I had to get up on account of the baby.

He's a regular midnight fisherman. He'll outgrow it. Ha-ha-ha.

Alone at last. Ha, ha.

That's Henry Street.

You're never alone. Everybody worries about everybody.

It's my home. I love having people care about me.

But I don't see how anyone could help caring about you.

Why, because I'm funny?

Well, that's part of it.

You know, it's a funny thing. I've imagined you practically all over the world:

Paris, London, the Delaware Water Gap.

Everyplace. Everyplace except Henry Street. And here you are.

You've imagined me?

Well, I mean, I thought about you a lot.

Maybe it was your ruffled shirt.

Anyway, you're like a character in a book to me.

And I hadn't read many books, see? So that makes you kind of, um… Oh. I talk a lot, don't I? Yes.

But it's one of the things I like best about you.

Boy, have you got good manners.

It's your turn. Say something. All right.

With all these people who care about you by the blockful and theater-full, doesn't it ever narrow down to just one special person?

You mean, like a boyfriend?

I haven't had time.

Ah, but don't get me wrong. I mean, I know a million guys.

After all, I am in the theater. Oh, yes.

Well, uh, see, I've been very busy and, uh…

How about you?

Hundreds of girls, huh? Oh, thousands!

All gorgeous.

All gorgeous.

Well, tonight should be a nice change for you.

It is.

Thousands, wow.

That way, I don't get too involved.

I like to feel free.

You can get lonesome being that free.

You can get lonesome being that busy.

Now, who would think to look at us that we got the same problem?

♪ We travel single, oh ♪

♪ Maybe we're lucky ♪ ♪ But I don't know ♪

♪ With them, just let one kid fall down ♪ ♪ And seven mothers faint ♪

♪ I guess we're both happy ♪

♪ But maybe we ain't ♪

♪ People ♪

♪ People who need people ♪

♪ Are the luckiest people ♪

♪ In the world ♪

♪ We're children ♪

♪ Needing other children ♪

♪ And yet ♪ ♪ Letting our grown-up pride ♪

♪ Hide all the need inside ♪

♪ Acting more like children ♪

♪ Than children ♪

♪ Lovers ♪

♪ Are very special people ♪

♪ They're the luckiest people ♪

♪ In the world ♪

♪ With one person ♪

♪ One very special person ♪

♪ A feeling deep in your soul ♪

♪ Says you were half ♪ ♪ Now you're whole ♪

♪ No more hunger and thirst ♪

♪ But first be a person ♪ ♪ Who needs people ♪

♪ People who need people ♪

♪ Are the luckiest people ♪

♪ In the world ♪

Fanny, you're an enchanting girl. I wish I could get to know you better.

So give me six good reasons why not.

Just one.

I have to catch a train for Kentucky early in the morning.

What's in Kentucky?

Oh, a half interest in a little farm. I breed horses.

What's the matter, they can't do it alone?

Hey, uh, you all packed? So, what are you doing around here?

It's late. I'll walk you to the car.

I should go in and say good night. It's all right, I'll say it for you.

You know, if you weren't in a show, I think I'd have asked you to come with me.

Too bad, isn't it?

I don't know. What with the Follies and an indecent proposal, it's been quite a night.

It was indecent, wasn't it?

Very. Oh, thank God.

At least I can tell Mrs. Strakosh things are looking up. Ha-ha-ha.

May I call you when I come back? Yeah, sure. When's that?

I don't know exactly. I may go right on to Europe or the coast… You see, I never have definite plans.

They make me feel too tied down.

But I'll call you.


Goodbye.


♪ A feeling deep in your soul ♪

♪ Says you were half ♪ ♪ Now you're whole ♪

♪ No more hunger and thirst ♪

♪ But first be a person ♪ ♪ Who needs people ♪

♪ People who need people ♪

♪ Are the luckiest people ♪

♪ In the world ♪


Watch your step.

Come on down here. Come on. Watch your step.

Watch your step.

Are you the Ziegfeld Girls? You can't tell?

All right, line up over here.

Get over there. Get over there, that's it.

Conductor, baby. What time is it, and where are we?

It's 7 a.m., miss, and we're in Baltimore.

Baltimore?

All right, just a second. Hold it there.

All right, girls, that's it. Smile pretty.

Hold it.

Good. All right, girls. Hold it, hold it.

Now, where's that new star, uh, um, Fanny Brice?

Enter the star.

Miss Brice?

Hold it. Perfect. This'll just take a minute, Miss Brice.

How about a smile, Miss Brice?

So shoot the picture.

Now.

Oh, very good.

Great. Yes, wasn't it? Terrific. I loved it.

I'm coming.


Fanny! Fanny.

How wonderful to see you.

And how wonderful you look.

You look good too. The first time I've seen you in broad daylight.

Ha-ha-ha. You haven't changed. And I'm glad.

Do you know how long it's been? Just a year.

And two weeks.

What are you doing here?

I'm waiting for the train from New York.

My train? That's right.

Fanny, will you have dinner with me tonight?

Tell me all about Mrs. Strakosh and about you.

When a fella gets up at 7 in the morning to meet a girl's train… I came here to meet another girl, named Elsie.

Good. I have plans, so you can have dinner with her.

Oh, it'll be very dull.

Hm?

There she is now.

Thanks, Jack. I'll see you at the stables.

That's my girl Elsie. Skinny legs, just like mine.

How about dinner? Will you, Fanny?

You always ask me out, don't you?

Whenever you happen to run into me.

I've never known anyone so polite. Fanny, I… But I still have other plans. And I really must go.

Thanks anyway.

Oh, Fanny. I can't give up this easily.

I wanna see you too much. We've such a lot to catch up on.

Where are you staying? Majestic?

There's a nice little private dining room downstairs.

I'll reserve it for 8:00. I hope you'll change your mind.

I'll be waiting.

No law against waiting.

People do it all the time.

"No law against waiting," I said.

"People do it all the time."

Should've heard me, I was a regular Theda Bara.

For once in my life, I didn't say too much, I didn't say too little.

I said just enough, then I walked.

Oh. You like these flowers in my hair?

Why should I have dinner with him? I'm not even hungry.

You like these earrings?

Even if I was hungry, I don't need him to buy my dinner.

Then why are you going?

Huh?

I said, why…? Who said I was going?


Won't you please come in?

May I take your wrap?

That color looks wonderful with your eyes.

Just my right eye. I hate what it does to the left.

You planning to make advances?

I wasn't planning it, but it does seem possible.

Before dinner or after dinner?

You look beautiful.

You don't have to make leading-lady dialogue for me. I'm a comic.

On-stage. That's where I live, on-stage.

Then you're missing too much.

You said we had a lot to catch up on.

I'm touring with the Follies. A week here, then a week in Chicago.

And then we rehearse a new show after that. What about you?

My girl Elsie's running in the Baltimore Handicap next Friday.

After that, I'm not sure because… You never have definite plans.

I remember.

Hey, somebody laid an egg on your table.

What is it? A blue marble egg.

I got it in Rome ages ago.

It's one of my favorite things so I thought you might like to have it.

A blue marble egg and yellow roses… You went to a lot of trouble even though you weren't sure I'd show up.

I hoped you would.

Just as I hope you like very dry sherry.

I wouldn't know dry from wet.

Mm.

Fanny.

What are you so angry about?

Who's angry?

Who's angry?

I'm sorry if I'm disappointing you in some way, but what did you expect?

You didn't answer my question. Why are you so angry?

I am not angry! Why don't you answer a question?

Should I be flattered because your train isn't leaving in the morning?

Oh, this time you have a few days to kill.

You're not slumming at Keeney's.

I never was and you know it. Don't holler at me!

I'm not hollering. You are. Uh, that's different.

I'm a natural hollerer. Anyway, I answered your silly question.

Look, why don't we cut through all this and get to the point, which is: Why didn't I call you when I got back from Kentucky?

Oh.

Well, you got busy. Um… You, uh, forgot. Uh… There could be a hundred reasons.

Just one.

I wanted to stay away from you.

We were heading for something you couldn't have known how to handle.

What makes you think I do now?

If you don't, it's time you learned.

Um…

Maybe we should order now?

Yeah.

Are you sure you want to stay?

Well, uh, might as well have dinner. Ha, ha.

Very sensible.

Come in.

Ah, Paul, I think we're about ready now.

Madame.

Caviar, to begin with?

No, I don't think so.

Mm.

Good. Mm.

Then we'll have filet de boeuf, sauce bordelaise.

Very good, Paul. Thank you.

Very good. Thank you.

All right?

I would have ordered roast beef and potatoes.

I did.

What's the matter?

If I can't tell what you're ordering, how will I know when you're making advances?

You'll know. I'll be much more direct.

♪ You are woman ♪ ♪ Huh? ♪

♪ I am man ♪

♪ You are smaller ♪

♪ So I can be taller than ♪

♪ You are softer ♪

♪ To the touch ♪

♪ It's a feeling ♪ ♪ I like feeling very much ♪

♪ You are someone ♪

♪ I've admired ♪

♪ Still our friendship ♪

♪ Leaves something ♪ ♪ To be desired ♪

♪ Does it take more explanation ♪ ♪ Than this? ♪

♪ You are woman, I am man ♪

♪ Let's kiss ♪

♪ Isn't this the height ♪ ♪ Of nonchalance ♪

♪ Furnishing a bed ♪ ♪ In restaurants ♪

♪ Well, a bit of dinner ♪ ♪ Never hurt ♪

♪ But guess who is ♪ ♪ Gonna be dessert ♪

♪ Do good girls do ♪ ♪ Just what Mama says ♪

♪ When Mama's not around? ♪ ♪ It's a feeling ♪

♪ Oy, vey, what a feeling ♪

♪ A bit of pâté? ♪ ♪ I drink it all day, heh ♪

♪ Should I do the things ♪ ♪ He'll tell me to? ♪

♪ In this pickle ♪ ♪ What would Sadie do? ♪

♪ In my soul I feel ♪ ♪ An inner lack ♪

♪ Just suppose he wants ♪ ♪ His dinner back ♪

♪ Just some dried-out toast in a sliver ♪ ♪ On the top a… ♪

♪ A little chopped liver ♪ ♪ Oh ♪

Oh…

♪ How many girls become ♪ ♪ A sinner while ♪

♪ Waiting for a roast beef dinner? ♪ ♪ Though ♪

♪ Most girls slip ♪ ♪ In ordinary ways ♪

♪ I got style ♪ ♪ I do it Bordelaise ♪

♪ Well, at least ♪ ♪ You think I'm special ♪

♪ You ordered à la carte ♪

♪ It's a feeling ♪ ♪ I like feeling very ♪

♪ I feel the feeling ♪ ♪ Down to my toes ♪

♪ Now I feel that ♪ ♪ There's a fire here ♪

♪ Ooh, try that once ♪ ♪ A little higher, dear ♪

♪ What a beast ♪ ♪ To ruin such a pearl ♪

♪ Would a convent ♪ ♪ Take a Jewish girl? ♪


♪ Does it take more explanation ♪ ♪ Than this? ♪

♪ Ooh, the thrills and chills ♪ ♪ Going through me ♪

♪ If I stop him now ♪ ♪ Can he sue me? ♪

♪ You are woman ♪

♪ You are man ♪

♪ Let's ♪

I'm calling you. What have you got?

Ace of diamonds, Mm.

Jack of spades, nine of hearts, Mm.

Four of clubs and two of diamonds.

Ah… Take it. I thought you were bluffing.

Oh, ha-ha-ha!

I got the pot. What do you hear from Fanny?

This morning she telephoned, long-distance.

Oh, yeah? How did she sound?

Hm. Two shows in a row and three months on the road.

How do you think she sounded? Tired.

She didn't sound tired. Excuse me, I made a mistake.

She sounded silly, she kept laughing.

Well, maybe something strike her comical.

A mother says, "How are you?" That's so comical?

She breaks out laughing.

Another thing. On the road, she lives like a mouse.

All day in the hotel, all night in the theater, no fresh air.

But suddenly in Baltimore, MD, she's running up streets, down streets, museums, racetracks, graveyards yet.

Graveyard?

Do you think it could be a fella? Think? I know.

Who? Who is it?

The ruffled shirt! The ruffled shirt.

Mm. Mm.

Lady, if you're game for this one, he's on the house.

Nobody in history ever had three.

Ha-ha-ha. Oh.

Start boiling the water.

I'm proud to think that I'm the man who introduced you to your first lobster.

Among other things. Ow.

Behave yourself! Ow!

Oh.

I get so mad when I think of what I missed before I met you.

I played Baltimore before, but never realized it was the most beautiful city.

Sort of makes me wish you'd come with us tomorrow.

See what you can do for Chicago.

I was going to, I decided yesterday.

Now I can't.

What happened between yesterday and now?

You were there. Elsie lost the Baltimore Handicap.

And I lost Elsie and my shirt.

But I was watching you.

You didn't blink an eye. You didn't lose your ruffled shirt.

No, darling. I never lose that.

Nor my gambling money. Just about everything else.

So… I have to take a train for New York at midnight and the Berengaria for Europe tomorrow night.

Stop boiling the water. I just lost my appetite.

What's in Europe? It's what's on the boat to Europe.

A lot of bored men who have nothing to do for eight days but play cards.

Wait a minute.

You are going to Europe so you can play cards on the boat?

Fanny, that's how I live. I told you that on Henry Street and the first night we were here. Yes, I know.

I know.

I know it by heart.

And, uh, you don't have to worry. You're not involved.

But I am involved… with a girl who has her own work, is too busy to get lonesome.

So we wave to each other from boats and trains.

I better get to the theater.

Yes, sir.

Fanny, please don't look sad.

You walk back into my life, change everything and walk out again.

How should I look? Happy?

But I'll be back in your life again, darling. Very soon.

Yeah, like last time.

Not a bit like last time. So, what's different?

I love you.

Do you mean that?

You're not just trying to be polite?

You do mean it.

What do you know?

It's been the most beautiful week in my whole life.

Fanny, I should hurry if I'm to drop you, get packed and catch that train for New York.

Well, pick me up at the theater at 11 and I'll go to the station with you.

Oh, why not? Are you afraid I'll cry?

No. I'm afraid I will.


So where have you been since 6:00 this morning?

Walking.

Just walking.

If you're gonna die every time you say goodbye to a man… Calling Miss Brice, Miss Fanny Brice.

Right here.

Miss Brice? Yeah?

You feel better now? Yeah. Yeah.

Better.

Thank you.

Um… Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Ten dollars? Thank you!

From Fanny Brice? The last of the 5-cent tippers?

Yeah, I should have made it 20.

Emma. Emma. Where's Emma?

What is it, Fanny?

I am not going to die. That's all.

And I'm not going to Chicago either.

Are you out of your mind? What are you gonna tell Ziegfeld?

I'd better find out. Please get him on the phone for me. Emma.

Where's Emma? Have you seen Emma?

Where is she? Em?

Miss Fanny? Be an angel and help me. Hold these.

I'm only gonna take that bag and that one. I'm not going to Chicago.

What do you mean, you're not going to Chicago?!

Shh, shh, shh. Where are you going?

Empire Limited departing for New York Fanny.

At 8:30 a.m., now boarding at track 14. Fanny.

I told him.

Please talk to her, Miss Georgia.

You can't. Once she makes up her mind, she makes up her mind.

Somebody has to talk to her.

Who's she talking to? Ziegfeld.

You don't need me. You have four other good names and the tour is over in two weeks.

You've said a lot of idiotic things.

No, Flo.

That's the most unprofessional… Flo!

I've heard in my entire life!

Hello?

Will you simmer down before your ulcer flares up?

Funny coming from you. You gave me that ulcer.

Heh. Now, listen, Flo, I love the theater.

I love to hear an audience applaud, but you can't take an audience home!

I want a personal life too, and I'm gonna have it. Why not just wish me luck?

She can't walk out in the middle of the show.

She can't stop in the middle… What did he say?

He hung up. Ha-ha-ha. Let me have that phone.

Ladies of the ensemble, adieu.

Where are you going? New York.

Why? I'm going to Europe with Nick.

What? You're kidding!

I told you when I meet a guy I want, I won't make jokes.

Fanny, did Nick ask you to go with him?

No, but, uh, when he sees me, he'll be glad.

I hope.

Fanny!

Uh, one ticket on the Empire Limited departing for New York at 8:30 a.m.

Haven't you any pride?

I love the guy, he loves me. I wanna be with him.

You're making a fool of yourself. Georgia, this is right for me.

Is it right for Nick? I'll make it right for him!

Don't stick your neck out this way! Don't do it! Don't do it!

Don't. You mustn't do it. Don't quit. Don't tell me…

♪ Don't tell me not to live ♪ ♪ Just sit and putter ♪

♪ Life's candy and the sun's ♪ ♪ A ball of butter ♪

♪ Don't bring around a cloud ♪ ♪ To rain on my parade ♪

♪ Don't tell me not to fly ♪ ♪ I've simply got to ♪

♪ If someone takes a spill ♪ ♪ It's me and not you ♪

♪ Who told you you're allowed ♪ ♪ To rain on my parade? ♪

♪ I'll march my band out ♪ ♪ I'll beat my drum ♪

♪ And if I'm fanned out ♪ ♪ Your turn at bat, sir ♪

♪ At least I didn't fake it ♪ ♪ Hat, sir, I guess I didn't make it ♪

♪ But whether I'm the rose ♪ ♪ Of sheer perfection ♪

♪ A freckle on the nose ♪ ♪ Of life's complexion ♪

♪ The cinder or the ♪ ♪ Shiny apple of its eye ♪

♪ I got to fly once ♪ ♪ I got to try once ♪

♪ Only can die once ♪ ♪ Right, sir? ♪

♪ Ooh, life is juicy ♪ ♪ Juicy, and you see ♪

♪ I've got to have my bite, sir ♪

♪ Get ready for me, love ♪ ♪ 'Cause I'm a comer ♪

♪ I simply got to march ♪ ♪ My heart's a drummer ♪

♪ Don't bring around a cloud ♪ ♪ To rain on my parade ♪

♪ I'm going to live and live now ♪

♪ Get what I want, I know how ♪

♪ One roll for the whole shebang ♪

♪ One throw, that bell will go clang ♪

♪ Eye on the target and wham ♪

♪ One shot, one gunshot and bam ♪

♪ Hey, Mr. Arnstein, here I am ♪


♪ I'd march my band out ♪

♪ I'll beat my drum ♪

♪ And if I'm fanned out ♪

♪ Your turn at bat, sir ♪ ♪ At least I didn't fake it ♪

♪ Hat, sir, guess I didn't make it ♪

♪ Get ready for me, love ♪ ♪ 'Cause I'm a comer ♪

♪ I simply gotta march ♪ ♪ My heart's a drummer ♪

♪ Nobody, no, nobody ♪

♪ Is going to rain on my ♪

♪ Parade ♪


Would you like all of these out, sir?

Oh, no. Just these two, please. Thank you, sir.

Fanny.

Darling!

If you hadn't looked exactly the way you did, this could have been very embarrassing.

You crazy girl.

What are you doing here? Well, I figured that if I waited for you to make your fortune, how would you know that I wasn't after you for your money?

Nick, I promise I'll never tie you down. I promise.

Will that be all, sir?

Oh, yes, steward. Thank you. Thank you, sir.

I say, I caught your show last time I was in port.

You were simply marvelous.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Just ring if you need me, Mr. Brice.


Thank you.

Courvoisier, Mr. Arnstein, right?

Yes, perfect. And a crème de menthe frappé. All right? Yes, sir.

Mm, I like that beard on that captain. It makes him look trustworthy.

He wants me to bring you to his cabin for cocktails.

You're a great success, Fanny, and that's off-stage.

I'm with you, that's all.

Don't know how I thought of going without you.

Me neither. Heh.

Ahem. Nick, um… Yes?

Go on, say it. Oh.

Well, ahem, you went to good schools. I went to practically no schools.

You're Park Avenue.

I'm Lower East Side. Ha, ha. Now, now. Don't be a snob.

No, no. What I am trying to say is… And you don't have to… I mean, I'm all yours anyway, but, um… Well, where I come from on Henry Street, when two people sort of love each other… Mm-hm. Uh… Oh, never mind, never mind.

Well, what do they do when they sort of love each other?

Oh… One of them says, "Why don't we get married?"

Is that so?

And sometimes it's even the man. Really?

Look, forget the whole thing. Just forget I mentioned it.

All right.

Ah, thank you.

You know, it's pretty much the same where I come from.

Well, why don't you stop making jokes and say it so that I can say I have to think it over, or ask my mother, or turn you down.

I've got a better idea.

What's that?

Have your drink. Have my drink. Ugh.

Look, why don't we, uh, get married?

When? Here? Tonight? When?

The captain looks like a rabbi.

How? When? Tonight? Right now? When I make a bankroll.

No, I don't care about that. I do.

I intend to be the head of this family. You will. You're smarter.

It'll be the way I say or not at all.

Well, could you win what you need in that poker game tonight?

It's possible. Go ahead, go play cards.

Wait. I wanna be a Sadie.

A what?

You met Mrs. Strakosh's married daughter, Sadie.

That's a married lady. Ha, ha. Oh, I see.

Can I come and watch with you?

Look, my whole future depends on it. Please!

Can you watch with no expression at all?

Whatever happens?

Can I watch with no expression?

I pass.

I'll call.

I call. I pass.

Call.

I'll call.

Cards?

Um, just one, please. Thank you.

Three here.

Three.

Uh, two. Two.

The dealer takes three.

Up to the opener.

Opener checks.

Oh, I'll bet a thousand.

I'm out.

All right.

One thousand and, uh… two thousand more.

I'm out.

Well, I think you are bluffing, Mr. Arnstein.

So I'll see you.

Well, I've got three kings here.

I thought you were bluffing. In this distinguished company?

I wouldn't dare.

I'm afraid this is getting rather dull for you, darling.

Ah, yes. Excuse me. I'll be right back.

Good night. Good night.

Quit, quit, quit!

It's against my religion to break a winning streak.

Goodbye, Sadie.

Sorry, gentlemen.

Your deal.

Huh?

What happened?

It's a beautiful night.

I had a stroll around the deck. It did me a lot of good.

Nick!

It's terribly late, Sadie. You should have been in bed ages ago.

How could I go to bed?! I've been sitting here waiting, hour after hour.

Did you say "Sadie"?

Oh! Ha-ha-ha!

Ha-ha-ha. Ah.

♪ Mrs. Arnstein, Mrs. Arnstein ♪

♪ What a beautiful, beautiful name ♪

♪ Sadie, Sadie, married lady ♪

♪ See what's on my hand ♪

♪ There's nothing quite as touching ♪

♪ As a simple wedding band ♪

♪ Oh, how that ♪ ♪ Marriage license works ♪

♪ On chambermaids and hotel clerks ♪

♪ The honeymoon was such delight ♪

♪ That we got married that same night ♪

♪ I'm Sadie, Sadie, married lady ♪

♪ Sadie, you did the trick ♪

♪ Not every girl can get herself ♪

♪ A guy who looks like Nick ♪

♪ To tell the truth ♪ ♪ It hurt my pride ♪

♪ The groom was prettier ♪ ♪ Than the bride ♪

♪ I'm Sadie, Sadie, married lady ♪ ♪ That's me ♪

♪ We're sailing home ♪ ♪ So, Rosie, dear ♪

♪ Bring chicken soup ♪ ♪ Down to the pier ♪

♪ Sadie, Sadie, married lady ♪ ♪ That's me ♪

Honey, if this is a hotel, I don't think they're ready for us.

Oh, Nick.

Oh, Nick!

It must have cost a fortune.

Well, I made a fortune on the Epsom Derby.

I expect to make another with this Florida deal. There's nothing to worry about.

Who's worried? Anyway, it's the perfect house for a millionaire.

♪ And for Sadie, Sadie ♪

♪ Married lady ♪

♪ Meet a mortgagee ♪

♪ The owner of an icebox ♪

♪ With a 10-year guarantee ♪

♪ Oh, sit me in the softest seat ♪

♪ Quick, a cushion for my feet ♪

♪ Do for me, buy for me ♪ ♪ Lift me, carry me ♪

♪ Finally got a guy to marry me ♪

♪ I do my nails, read up on sales ♪

♪ All day the records play ♪

♪ Then he comes home, I tell him ♪

♪ "Oy, what a day I had today" ♪

♪ I swear I'll do my wifely job ♪

♪ Just sit at home, become a slob ♪

♪ A husband, a house ♪

♪ And a beautiful reflection ♪

♪ Of my love's affection ♪

♪ Sadie, Sadie ♪

♪ Married lady ♪

♪ That's me ♪

Nice baby. Open your eyes, look at your daddy.

Baby.

I bought her something.

An add-a-pearl necklace. An add-a-tooth necklace would be… Nick, you are absolutely crazy.

She can't wear this until she's grown up.

But she'll know she has it. It'll give her confidence.

Besides, if you play your cards right, she might loan it to you until then.

Mm. You bet she will. Ha, ha. Won't you?

Fifteen. One more. Oh, please! Oh.

Sixteen. Oh!

Look at me. I'm breathing like a whale.

The way that baby slowed me down, I ought to sue her.

She's so pretty, isn't she?

Frances? She's the cutest little thing I ever saw.

Alive, alert… But she's pretty.

Yes, Fan, she's pretty. Very pretty. Come on.

Ziegfeld made no mistake hiring you.

Heard from Nick lately?

Yeah, he calls me every night. From Oklahoma?

Sure. With the phone bills we're getting, he better strike oil.

Come on, let's try this.

Let's go. Ooh.

One, two, three. One, two, three. One, two, three, four.

One, two, three. One, two, three. One, two, three, four.

Nick!

Oh.

I can't believe it.

There you are. Thank you very much.

Is that ghastly sound coming from my daughter?

What is it, honey? What is it, sweetheart? Are you wet?

Welcome home, Mr. Arnstein. It's good to see you.

What happened? What happened to the baby?

Look who's here, honey. Frances, that isn't very attractive.

So I wish you'd stop.

Thank you, sweetheart.

Why, you've stayed blond, you clever girl.

Miss Fanny, we're going to be late for rehearsal.

Oh, just a few more minutes.

Would you take the baby to Hilda for me?

Sure. Goodbye, my love.

Say bye-bye. Ha-ha-ha.

You know what?

This time I think maybe you lost your ruffled shirt.

We struck sand and rock and water.

I think we even struck champagne.

The one thing we didn't strike was oil.

Well, you'll think of something better while lying in a hammock at your beautiful country house.

It is beautiful, isn't it?

Nick, it's been absolutely murder dragging myself back and forth to that theater every day.

You guessed it.

We better start looking for an apartment in town on 5th Avenue. Even on 6th. I wouldn't be insulted.

You know what bothers me even more than losing the house?

It's the fact that I seem to have lost my poker face.

Just to me, honey. Come on.

Place your come bets. Eight eats five.

Coming out. Seven away, eight alive.

New shooter.

Nick. Tom.

Hey, the place looks wonderful.

As you said, a church can look cute, but a gambling house has to look honest.

And be honest. Ha, ha.

Come on in here.

Oh, Joe, a Scotch and water for Mr. Arnstein.

Well, when did you get back?

Oh, a couple of weeks ago.

It's good to see you, Tom.

Well, what took you so long to drop in?

Well, we've been moving into a new apartment in town.

I've been helping with the legwork.

My wife has a show opening tonight.

Say, Nick, I was sorry to hear about those oil wells.

Is it all over town, Tom?

Even made the papers.

Oh, but that doesn't mean anything.

It's funny, though.

I once dropped 20,000 on Monday, picked up 30 on Tuesday, all in absolute privacy.

The news travels much faster these days.

That spotlight on your wife lights you up too.

Any action in the backroom? Now? Yeah, there's a game, but… Nick.

Just by way of limbering up. Besides, I've got an hour to kill.

I hear they haven't been running too well.

It'll change.

He's not in his seat.

I looked down during the number. He's not in his seat.

So maybe the guy's late, uh, ran into an old friend or his watch stopped.

You're getting excited over nothing. Nothing? People get run over.

They have accidents, don't they?

Emma, go call the hospitals. I mean, he could be lying in a street.

Where's my eyeliner? Do you see my eyeliner?

Hurry up and get dressed, will you?

I'll call 300. Ahem.

Five hundred. Bettor.


No, not for me.

Have a bite. Keep your strength up.

Food and liquor right over there.

Nick, it's after 9:00.

Why don't you get out?

No, Tom. Thank you. I'll watch it.

Telephone for you, Mr. Arnstein, in the bar. It's your wife's maid at the theater.

Well, look, tell her… Tell her I've been, uh, detained.

I'll be there in time for the second act. Thank you.


What are you gonna do? Shoot the swans?

These lovelies?

My swan girls? What are you, dumb?

♪ Can't you see ♪ ♪ When you look at me ♪

♪ What a lovely creature is a swan ♪ ♪ Yoo-hoo ♪

♪ I'm all over fluffy white ♪ ♪ I wouldn't peck at you or bite ♪

♪ And have teeny twinkle toes ♪ ♪ To dance upon ♪

Oh, was that good!

Prince!

Was that necessary?

You couldn't walk over here like a person?

Where was I? Oh, I was here.

♪ So you just ♪

♪ Gotta have a swan ♪ ♪ Or you're out of luck ♪

♪ 'Cause a chicken wouldn't do ♪ ♪ It would only cluck ♪

♪ And besides you couldn't say ♪

♪ "I saw Chicken Lake ballet" ♪

♪ They would think you don't know nothin' ♪ ♪ You are missing here a button ♪

♪ 'Cause a chicken's ♪ ♪ Only good for consommé ♪

♪ Whereupon, whereupon ♪ ♪ Whereupon, whereupon ♪

♪ A chicken or a duck ♪ ♪ Is a mistake ♪

♪ When you do Swan Lake ♪ ♪ Swan Lake ♪


I'm sorry, darling.

How did it go?

Good reviews?

Wow.

"All any show needs is Fanny Brice."

"New York audiences continue their love affair with Fanny."

Darling, I'm so happy for you.

How was the party?

How was the party?

There was no party.

The guests didn't think the hostess was in the mood for a party.

Not without the host.

Look, let's not fight about this.

Why not?

Isn't your spoiling my opening night worth fighting about?

How do you think I felt out there, trying to be funny?

I'm trying to make them laugh.

My own husband not caring enough to be there!

You didn't let your audience suffer because of me.

You're damn right I didn't.

But how do you think I felt afterwards, with people asking me where you were?

What could I say? A poker game was more important than my opening night?!

To hell with your opening night!

Why shouldn't the poker game be as important as your opening night?

It's my work, and I haven't had a smash hit for a long time.

But tonight I was winning. I wouldn't have left that game for anything because I thought maybe, finally, at last my luck had changed.

Only it hadn't.

So it'll change tomorrow.

The way it has a hundred other times.

Everyone has a run of bad luck now and then. It doesn't mean anything.

How would you know, darling?

You never lose.


Oh… That was my crazy husband on the phone.

A guy with a deal for me offered Nick a thousand to put in a word.

He took the thousand and gave it to a waiter he never saw before in his life.

And he just put in a word.

Ay-yip.

You wanna play? Get a deck.

Fanny, I never butted in your life, did I?

Sure. When I was a kid, you made me wear long underwear to school.

When your children grow up and you wanna talk serious, I hope they make jokes. I'm sorry.

I just thought you were gonna start in on Nick.

Where would I come to criticize Nick? It's you I'm surprised at.

Why?

Because when you look at him, you only see what you want to see.

I see him as he is. I love him as he is.

Fanny, love him a little less.

Help him a little more.

Mama, he doesn't need any help. He's not a child.

The man is drowning. He owes money everywhere.

He doesn't know which way to turn.

What?

How do you know that? Everybody knows. Only you don't know.

Fanny, are you so wrapped up in the show, you can't see anything else?

Why wouldn't he tell me? He knows he can have anything I've got.

That's not what he needs.

Darling, you are his wife.

You've gotta sit down with him, talk to him, think together what he should do.

Some of that for me, Nick?

Won't make a dent in what I owe you, Peterson.

But if you can't wait… Hey. I could wait. I could even forget it.

In return for what?

I need a front man, someone like you, who can talk, for a bond deal I'm putting together.

It's a big one, Nick.

You could make yourself a mint. Thanks, but, uh, I don't think so.

Heh. Okay. I guess when you have Fanny Brice for a meal ticket, you don't get very hungry. Nicky.

Hey.

I'm sorry, Peterson.

Meal tickets, that's my joke.

Sure.

Boo! Oh! Oh.

Is Mr. Branca here yet?

Not yet, Mr. Arnstein. Well, I expect him any minute.

This yelled through the window of FAO Schwarz:

"Take me home to Frances," it said. So I did.

Will you give it to her for me? Thank you. Yes, Mr. Arnstein.

Oh, Hilda. Um, Yes?

You and the cook have been very patient, but it's time I paid your salaries.

I owe you for two months, I believe.

Miss Brice paid us, sir. All that was owed and three months in advance.

I mean, Mrs. Arnstein paid us.

Miss Brice paid you.

I'll get it, thank you.

There you are. Am I late?

No, I just beat you in. Oh.

Let's go in here. I'll mix us a drink. You tell me what you have in mind.

All right.

Hey, nice place, Nick.

It's comfortable and very convenient.

Water or soda, Tom? Straight. Look, I haven't got much time.

The place is getting crowded earlier these days.

When you do that well, it's called good trouble.

That's what I want to talk to you about. Nick.

I didn't know you were home. Hello, darling.

Ah, Mr. Branca, I haven't seen you for ages.

I've been dying to see your show, Mrs. Arnstein, but I've been so busy.

I just dropped by to make Nick a little proposition.

Well, if it's some new way of marking cards, Nick, don't listen.

Aside from that, I'll leave you. Although I'm dying of curiosity.

Come back, silly. Get yourself a drink and sit down.

All right with you, Tom? Of course. It's all in the family.

Then sit down and start propositioning. All right.

Well, as I told you, the place… No, thanks. The place is doing awfully well.

So well that a couple money men approached me about opening another one on the East Side. It's getting very fashionable.

I'd like to, Nick. I think it would go.

But I can't possibly run two places single-handed.

Those people don't know the first thing about this business.

So I told them about you.

And the long and the short of it is, we want you to be a partner.

With an extra cut for running the place. How's it strike you?

Pleasantly. I'm flattered, naturally.

And it's no secret there's no place I'd rather be than a gambling club.

Except the theater on opening night.

It does sound like something you'd be good at.

I've always had a little yen to run a club. And lots of ideas.

Well, then, great. Then it's a deal. Wait, wait a minute.

It depends on how much I'd have to put up for the partnership, because… Nick, we don't need your money. We need you.

Well, how much are you and the others putting in?

Fifty thousand.

And for me it's free?

Tom, I can't let you put up my share.

I'm not. I swear I'm not.

Look, our thinking is that with your know-how and your, well, class is the only word I can use, you'll attract all the right people. We'll make our money back in no time.

Full partnership for nothing? Oh, except my class.

Plus a cut for running the place.

That's a very generous offer.

Too generous.

Fanny…

how much were you going to put in?

Fifty thousand.

Tom, I'm sorry your time's been wasted.

Nick, it is a good idea. Was a good idea.

Please don't blame Tom. I talked him into it.

Thanks for everything.


Nick.

I was just trying to help. I don't want that kind of help!

I don't want anyone going around behind my back, sinking money into me to make me look good.

Fanny, I…

I just wish you hadn't done it.

You'd better go. You'll be late for the theater.

I… I can't go. Not like this.

Darling, listen. Please.

Once I saw how unhappy you are, I knew I had to do something. I guess I did it wrong.

You know how dumb I can be. Fanny.

You don't have to tell me that you did it out of love.

Believe me, I know that.


Murray Hill 4119.

Peterson?

Arnstein.


Something wrong?

It's Nick.

He's hurt?

No, no. He's in trouble.

He's gotten himself mixed up in a phony bond deal.

So, what do I do?

I call a lawyer or…? No, he's got a lawyer.

Branca got him Bill Fallon.

And Fallon's the best criminal attorney in New York City.

Criminal?

Fanny, embezzlement is a criminal charge.

Now, Fallon advised him to give himself up, and he did. A few hours ago.

He gave himself up?

Oh… You mean he's in jail? Uh-huh.

Nick.

I… I've gotta see him.

You can't, honey. They won't let you.

I just gotta. Look… Miss Fanny, is there something I can do?

Fanny. Fanny. Fanny, look.

He… He doesn't want to see you.

It's understandable, dear. The man's humiliated, ashamed.

Ashamed of what? This is Nick Arnstein, not some hood!

If these, uh, bonds were phony, you don't think he knew it, do you?

That's the line Fallon is going to use, that he was a victim, a dupe.

Fallon's going to call you at home. I'd better go then.

There are a bunch of reporters at that stage door.

Now, come on up to my office and go out through the front of the house.

Why? There's nothing to hide.

You want me to go with you, Fan?

No.

Miss Brice.

Will you answer a few questions?

Sure, but I don't talk very good yet.

Hold that pose!

Did you know Nick would give himself up?

He'll do anything not to come home for dinner.

Peterson says Nick masterminded the whole swindle. What do you say?

Nick. He couldn't mastermind an electric light bulb out of a socket!

Fanny, what about these stocks?

Stock? The only stock I know about is summer stock.

What's your husband's story? There's no story.

My dope was an innocent dupe! Or my dupe was an innocent dope?

Did he try to sell you any bonds?

That much of a dope, he ain't.

You realize he might go to prison? At least I'll know where he is nights.

You still love him, Miss Brice?

The name is Arnstein.

Mrs. Arnstein.

Mrs. Arnstein, do you still love him?


Next case.

"The People v. Arnstein.

The grand jury has charged the defendant with embezzlement, according to Statute 119, Section A of the penal code."

How does the defendant plead?

Your Honor, I move for a postponement.

Why, Mr. Fallon?

My client has been in custody only 24 hours. I've seen him only once.

I've been unable to acquaint him fully with the charges.

He's unable to enter a plea without full… Your Honor.

Nick, please. Sorry, Bill.

Your Honor, there's no need for a postponement. I understand the charge.

I knew exactly what I was doing. Nick.

So I wish to plead guilty.

I will see the deputy district attorney and Mr. Fallon in my chambers.

I'm sorry.

You have only a few minutes. Thank you.

Nick. Oh, Nick.

What happened in there?

The minimum sentence, two years.

With luck, I'll be out in 18 months.

With luck.

Why, Nick?

You had a chance.

All you had to do was say that Peterson tricked you.

I couldn't say that. Why not?

Because he didn't.

I want you to divorce me.

What are you saying?

We're just no good for each other, that's all. Everybody knows that.

Look, my darling, I may not be good for you, but nobody has the right to say what's good for me.

Not even you.

You think I don't know that everything that went wrong was my fault?

I know that. It's no use, Fanny.

Look, I've tried to tell myself I'll catch up with you.

It'll be all right.

But there's no way I can catch up with you.

I don't want to run anymore, not in a race I can't win.

Let me go. Let me be myself again. I can't.

I can't just let you go off to prison.

Why not? Wouldn't the publicity be good?

I'll be with you in a minute.

I'm sorry, darling. That's what I've turned into.

Nick.

You think you mean this, and maybe you do.

But maybe it's just because of all that's happened.

So why don't we just leave it for now?

And if you still feel the same way when you come home, I won't fight you.

Okay?

Okay.

Listen, you take care of yourself.

Go out, see people, do things, enjoy yourself.

I don't worry about you.

The moment you're out there on that stage, nothing bothers you.

Nothing.

The strongest woman in the whole world, that's what you are.

Did you know that?

Yeah, sure.

Everybody knows that.


So long, funny girl.

Hey. Ha, ha.

♪ Funny ♪

♪ Did you hear that? ♪

♪ Funny ♪

♪ Yeah, the guy said ♪ ♪ "Honey ♪

♪ You're a funny girl" ♪

♪ That's me ♪ ♪ I just keep them ♪

♪ In stitches ♪

♪ Doubled in half ♪

♪ And though I may be ♪

♪ All wrong for the guy ♪

♪ I'm good for a laugh ♪

♪ I guess it's not funny ♪

♪ Life is far from sunny ♪

♪ When the laugh is over ♪

♪ And the joke's on you ♪

♪ A girl oughta have ♪ ♪ A sense of humor ♪

♪ That's one thing ♪

♪ You really need for sure ♪

♪ When you're a funny girl ♪

♪ The fella said, "A funny girl" ♪

♪ Funny ♪

♪ How it ain't so funny ♪

♪ Funny girl ♪


It cleaned up fine.

You've been sitting in that theater all this time?

Mm-hm.

You all right? Mm-hm.

Then would you see Mr. Ziegfeld? He's waiting.

Yeah. Flo, come on in.

I'll get your props for you.

Any word from Nick? No, not yet.

I've been worried about you, Fanny.

I'm sorry you've been worried. Flo.

Huh? Um… I don't even know if Nick wants us to go on, but if he does… I don't wanna make the same mistakes.

So if it means giving up the theater, I hope you'll be a sport about it.

Well, I won't be. Ha, ha.

But I won't worry about it till it happens.

Fifteen minutes, Miss Brice. Thank you.

I'll let you get dressed.

Be happy, dear.


Hello, Fanny.

You must be that fella I met at Keeney's one night.

You must be that girl from Henry Street.

I feel like a kid on a blind date.


Did you see the baby, darling?

No.

I came straight here.

Well, she's gorgeous.

Getting to look just like you.

Who says I'm not lucky?

Fanny, I…

I've had 18 months to think about us.

You wanna hear something funny?

I've had the same 18 months, and I never thought about us.

Oh… I mean, I simmered, I stewed, I cried my eyes out, but I never really thought.

Not until today.

Then I saw that you were right.

You did a lot for me, Nick.

That's what I'm gonna remember.

What did I ever do for you, darling?

What did I ever give you that you couldn't have gotten for yourself?

Um, a blue marble egg.

No one would have given me that but you.

And you… You… You made me feel sort of beautiful, you know, for a very long time.

You are beautiful.

Five minutes.

There are a lot of people waiting for you.

Goodbye, Fanny.

Bye, Nick.


♪ Oh, my man, I love him so ♪

♪ He'll never know ♪

♪ All my life is just despair ♪

♪ But I don't care ♪

♪ When he takes me in his arms ♪

♪ The world is bright ♪

♪ All right ♪

♪ What's the difference if I say ♪

♪ I'll go away ♪

♪ When I know I'll come back ♪

♪ On my knees someday ♪

♪ For whatever my man is ♪

♪ I am his ♪

♪ Forevermore ♪

♪ Oh, my man, I love him so ♪

♪ He'll never know ♪

♪ All my life is just despair ♪

♪ But I don't care ♪

♪ When he takes me in his arms ♪

♪ The world is bright ♪

♪ All right ♪

♪ What's the difference if I say ♪

♪ I'll go away ♪

♪ When I know I'll come back ♪

♪ On my knees someday ♪

♪ For whatever my man is ♪

♪ I am his ♪

♪ Forevermore ♪