Furry Vengeance (2010) Script

(SQUIRREL SQUEAKING)

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(SINGING) I do as I please!

(SCREAMING)

(SQUIRREL CONTINUES SCREAMING)

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(PHONE RINGING)

Oh, hey, what do we got here?

You got Riggs.

Hey, Neil.

I just scouted it.

How is it?

(IN SING-SONG TONE) It's a gold mine!

(CHUCKLING)

Yeah, once we gut the forest, baby, you got prime-A real estate, I'm telling you.

Sanders? I don't know. My men say he's doing fine, but I plan on swinging by tomorrow and letting him know that I'll be taking over operations.

(PHONE BEEPING)

Hello? Mr. Lyman?

Hello?

(GRUNTS)

Give a hoot, don't pollute.

Whatever.

(SCREECHING)

(CHITTERING)

(SNARLING)

(CHITTERING)

(CHITTERING)


Oh, what's this? (LAUGHING) Out of the way, fuzzball.

(CHITTERING)

You got to the count of three, little man. One...

(RIGGS SCREAMING)

(GROANING)

That was awesome.

(SCREAMING)

No, put that down.

Ha, ha. Very funny. Bad raccoon.

(BLOWING)

Bad, bad, raccoon.

(SCREAMING)

(PHONE BEEPING)

Mr. Lyman, I quit!

(LAUGHING)

(SCREAMING)


(SIGHS)

Nature.

(MACHINERY RUMBLING)

(CONSTRUCTION WORKERS CHATTERING)

Look alive, people, the capitán on deck.

Morning, Frank. Men seem to be making good progress.

There's nothing like having the boss living on site. Duck.

I have a question, you have the answer.

That's the way you get things done around here.

These past few months have been a blessing for me.

MAN 1: Look out, there.

Hop.

So, good progress on unit number five.

I don't know if I can say the same thing about number three.

It's the beaver dam.

It's a good one, too. It's blocking the drainage about 30 yards in.

How long's that gonna set us back?

MAN 2: There we go. Back.

(CHAINSAW WHIRRING)

Well, you want me to keep the beaver dam? You're looking at a week.

If not, we can bust it up. The beavers, they're not home.

I don't know. We're a green company, Frank.

I can make it look like an accident.

Oops. I accidentally left a stick of dynamite inside the beaver dam.

(IMITATES EXPLOSION)

I don't know. I don't want to rock the boat before Mr. Lyman gets here.

So, tell you what. Why don't you work up some numbers, get back to me?

Hey, while you're at it, pull the boys off of number three and get them started on the plumbing on number five.

You heard the captain! We're moving on to five!

(MEN GROAN)

MAN 3: Really? MAN 4: Great.

(SQUIRREL CHITTERING)

Psst! Shoo!

Those are my blueberries.

(EXCLAIMING)

(WE GO T IT ALL PLAYING)

MAN: (SINGING) Hear it coming I know you feel it We both got it No need to steal it Nature.

Don't mind much Maybe not today In your heart Can't wish it all away Fight for it Careful what you say

(TRAFFIC SOUNDS PLAYING ON EARPHONES)

Homesick much? I'm working on it.

Whatever you want We got it all!

Rise and shine, Tyler-iffic.

First day of school.

Yeah, yeah Let's go home Let's go home What's that, fatty? You gonna cry?

Take it up to seven with an incline of five on the double!

And no cheating!

Yeah, yeah, yeah We got it all!

(CHITTERING)

(CHITTERING)

Morning, honey. Morning, sweetie.

So, what's new in the world?

Well, crime rate's going up in Chicago.

See? That's another thing to be grateful for. No crime here. Nothing but peace and quiet.

(JACKHAMMER RUMBLING)

That is temporary. Mmm-hmm.

(TURKEYS GOBBLING)

Oh, Dan, wild turkeys. Wild turkeys.

Dan, stop. Hey. You can't eat that in front of them.

Put it down. It could be their mom.

How do they know it's turkey bacon and not bacon-bacon?

(MIMICS TURKEY)

They have a sixth sense. Put it down.

Hey, honey. How'd you sleep?

Not good. I had this awful nightmare that my insensitive parents uprooted me from my wonderful home and dumped me in the middle of nowhere.

He just misses his friends.

How can he miss his friends? He spent the whole summer cooped up in his room talking to them online with his computer.

He knows the deal, all right?

We're here for a year, and then we go back to Chicago.

Maybe you should talk to him.

(SCOFFING) What for? That'll just irritate him more.

Dan, you're his dad. Try.

So, Tyler, care to join me outside for some fresh mountain air?

Come on, Tyler, I bet there's probably some really cute girls at your school.

And they really dig your hip city vibe.

Yeah. I bet you're right. I bet there are some cute girls out there.

There you go. You know what else there are?

Poisonous rattlesnakes!

Yeah, they're all over the forest.

I'm gonna end up like this guy.

(SIGHING) All right, you win. I'll quit my job, we pack up the car and we go back to Chicago. Would that make you happy?

Don't answer that question.

No, no, no. Don't touch. What?

For my boss.

All of them? Yeah, all 38 of them.

I don't know what kind he likes. Seriously?

Hey, are we cool?

Yeah, never better.

Great.

(GASPS)

(A-PUNK PLAYING)

MAN: (SINGING) Johanna drove slowly into the city The Hudson River all filled with snow She spied the ring on His Honor's finger

A thousand years in one piece of silver She took it from his lily-white hand Showed no fear She'd seen the thing In the young men's wing at Sloan-Kettering Have a good one.

(CAR HORN HONKS)

Three months down. And nine to go.

Yeah.

Look outside The raincoats coming, say "Oh"

Look outside The raincoats coming, say "Oh"

$50,000 for the overage on a beaver dam?

You're sure the beavers aren't home?

(CHITTERING)

(SIGHING) All right, just take care of it.

Make it look like an accident. I'll call you later, Frank.

Johanna drove slowly into the city The Hudson River all filled with snow She spied the ring on His Honor's finger

(GROANING)

Mr. Lyman, welcome to Rocky Springs.

Hey, Dan.

Hope we didn't keep you waiting. Just bought the plane yesterday and wanted to see how she handled warp factor two.

(CHUCKLING)

And this is for your son.

Oh, thank you. That's really very kind of you.

He's going on four, right?

No, actually, he's gonna be 16 next month.

No. No, memo says four. You sure?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

(BOTH SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

Actually, no, the toy's...

Excuse me? The toy is great and he's gonna love it.

Isn't it crazy how time flies? Isn't it?

I have two kids of my own. Three.

Three, and I remember when what's-his-name and... Tony.

...John and... FELDER: Yoko Junior.

...were just babies.

Memories. They're my kids.

So, I got the car here.

I brought some sandwiches and it's about an hour to the site.

An hour? Both ways?

Two hours round-trip.

(LAUGHING) I don't think so.

Sandwiches? Gross.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

WOMAN: Now just be sure to check your curriculums carefully.

The board is very strict about no child being left behind. Capisce?

Okay, first things first. I'd like to give a warm welcome to our brand new science teacher, Tammy, from Chicago.

Now, as I'm sure many of you already know, one of our math teachers, Mr. Bowen, is out sick for the rest of the year, so we find ourselves without a chairman for the Forest Festival.

Either one of you volunteers, or I say we just (GRUNTS) junk it.

But we've always had a Forest Festival.

The children love painting the pinecones and playing "Mother May I?" With Bessie the Cow.

Claire, Bessie the Cow was put down in 1972.

That's nice. Nice.

(SINGING) Bessie the Cow, Bessie the Cow Isn't tenure wonderful?

(WHISPERING) Will you ever retire?

(ALL SNICKERING)

Excuse me, I...

That's so great! We have a volunteer. No, I...

Tammy Sanders is officially in charge of the Forest Festival.

Yay, Tammy.

We're gonna have so much fun.

(SINGING) Bessie the Cow, Bessie the Cow Bessie jumped over the moon Oh, boy.

Click. Page down, page down, page down, page down, page down. Page up.

As you can see from the photographs here, we are 16% under budget.

Good, good.

Which I'm very pleased about, because at this rate, we are going to be completed with the construction by March.

Guaranteed. LYMAN: That's great.

Now you'll be ready for phase two.

Oh.

Sorry, what's phase two?

Show him the plans.

All right. You are in charge of phase one, which is this right now.

Right. And this is phase two.

So you're just gonna take out the whole forest?

Yeah.

(EXCLAIMING)

Mmm?

Huh?

But we're replacing it with a shopping mall with a forest theme.

LYMAN: Dan, do you know why they call me "The King of Green"?

Because I love this planet.

Unfortunately, I have to deal with these eco-hypocrites.

(SIGHING) They say they want to save the planet, but only if it's convenient.

You ever notice that? They always drink venti latte with recycled cups, and all of a sudden they're part of the solution?

What I need from you isn't a commitment to green, but a grasp of the shades of gray.

(GROWLING)

I understand.

Great. So you'll be heading up phase two for the next four years.

Four years?

Sir, I relocated my family here for one year.

Yeah, that was until Riggs disappeared on me.

My wife and my... My son are...

(SIGHING) Oh, God.

Dan, this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for you.

I'll double your salary. Think about it.

(GRUNTING)

You have 10 seconds or I'm pulling the offer.

Ten, nine-eight-seven-six-five-four three-two-one!

All right, I'll do it.

You're doing the right thing, Dan.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Oh, no, you're crazy. What?

Felder. Okay, big guy, this meeting's over.

Hold on for a second, Mom. Just let me... What?

Bye-bye.

(MUMBLING)

My wife is going to kill me.

Dan, we're a family, all right? We make decisions together.

Look, it's not such a bad thing. Think of it as a promotion.

Yeah. If anybody needs me, I'll be at a friend's house.

Oh! Oh, wait, I don't have any friends here.

Look, guys, this is an opportunity to do something good for our family and for the environment, too.

How is ripping out the forest good for the environment?

It's not like that.

We're Lyman Enterprises. We're the good guys. We're green.

Yeah, as in the color of money.

And speaking of money. Who wants a new Wii? Huh?

(SCREAMING)

(DOOR SLAMS)

(ANIMALS CHATTERING)

(LAUGHING EVILLY)

(WOLF HOWLING)

(BIRD SQUAWKING)

Oh, come on.

(CAR LOCK CLICKS)

(SIGHING)

Birds.

(RACCOON CHITTERING)

Hey.

You, go away.

(GRUNTS)

(EXCLAIMING)

(CHUCKLES)

(EXCLAIMS)

Hey, guys, can we just take a look at the sprinkler system?

MAN: No problem, Mr. Sanders.

Hi.

Check out Mr. Pee-Pee Pants.

Just had a little problem with a raccoon.

Well, that's funny. He must have scampered off.

Hilarious.

Are you still mad at me?

What do you think?

Well, excuse me for caring about the environment.

(EXPLOSION)

(FRANK EXCLAIMS)

Hello, jefe. The beaver dam problem is gone. Yes. Yes!

Oh. Blowing up beavers, are we?

They weren't home.

Well, that was eco-friendly of you.

(SURRENDER PLAYING)

MAN: (SINGING) Let go CHORUS: (SINGING) Let go Give in Give in Give up Give up Surrender Surrender Let go Let go Give in Give in Give up Give up Surrender Surrender

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hello, sir.

Dan, Neil Lyman.

Listen, our plane got in early. I was thinking about scouting the site.

(GASPING) Oh, jeez!

How's everything on your end?

(SCREAMING)

Hot! Hot!

Oh, come on!

(CHITTERING)

Okay, little buddy, come on, move along.

Move it!

(HONKING)

(GROWLING)

All right.

Hey!

Come on, shoo. Beat it.

Go on, beat it. Scat. Go.

I'm late for work.

Thank you.

Come on!

All right, what is your...

(SNARLING)

Rabies!

(LAUGHING)

You wanna play games?

(CHITTERING IN AGREEMENT)

Let's play games.

(CALLING)

(HONKING)

(ENGINE REVVING)

All right. You asked for it.

(HUMMING)

I'll do it. Don't think I won't.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Mr. Lyman.

Dan, if this is some kind of stall tactic, I'm not finding it very clever.

That's because there's a very good reason...

(EXCLAIMING) Miley Cyrus!

(BRAKES SCREECHING)

(GRUNTING)

(EXCLAIMING)

Seriously?

(SOFTLY) Please.

Come on, please, one. Just one bar. Two bar, three bar. Good.

Mr. Lyman, it's Dan Sanders.

LYMAN: Sanders, do you like working for me?

Yes, sir. I'm just...

I'll call you back!

LYMAN: I'm stuck on this plane, and I'm very hungry.

I want a veggie burrito, hold the guacamole, no cilantro.

I repeat... Are you taking this down?

All right, well, clearly, something went wrong, because his office called and said he never made the meeting.

Maybe he ran into an old friend or an old flame.

Thank you, Frank.

WILSON: Keep your hands away from the vehicle.

Do not freak out. Stand down.

(WHISTLING)

Hi, Mrs. Sanders. My name is Wilson.

I run security for Lyman. I protect his assets, if you will.

I'm here because I got a 425 call over my walkie-talkie.

What's a 425?

A four...

Ow!

You know, now is not a good time to field questions from civilians.

This your husband's car? Yes, we both know that. Is he okay?

You tell me.

I tell you?

Yeah, we found his car and his phone abandoned 2.7 clicks into the Meriweather Pass.

Well, did you notify the police about my husband?

(LAUGHING) I think we both don't want to call the police.

You tell them and the next thing you know, you'll have 60 Minutes up here trying to sensationalize the murder.

Murder? What murder?

You said "murder." There something you want to tell me about the murder?

Dad got murdered?

Come here, Skippy. We're gonna find old Daddy, whether he's in one piece or lots of little tiny chopped up ones.

TAMMY: What? In the meantime, how would you like to be my deputy? Huh? Look at him.

Yeah, a hat.

Dan. Dan! Huh?

What happened? I was so worried about you.

What happened? Well, there was a ravine and a boulder, and then this maniacal raccoon, and then I lost my phone.

Oh.

I'm gonna borrow your charger. I have to call Lyman.

What happened? Wait, honey, what...

Dan? What... Mr. Lyman, it's Dan Sanders. Listen...

Well, that was touching.

Well, well, well. I guess you're off the hook.

Excuse me?

WILSON: Dismissed.

Just don't leave town.

I got eagle eyes, Amazon woman.

Yeah. Don't freak out.

(CAWING)

Come on.

(WHISPERS) Freak.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Tomorrow.

Absolutely. That's right.

(SIGHS)

I know. Uh-huh.

Great.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir, we will be ready for Mr. Gupta and the Indian investors.

I see.

Yes, sir. I know. All right. Have a good night.

Was it something I said?

(DOOR SLAMS)

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

DAN: Tammy, can I come in?

It's your house.

I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have called Lyman first. I don't know what I was thinking.

Do you have any idea how worried I was about you?

I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking.

It's just, I figured that if I can keep Lyman happy, then I can give you and Tyler the world.

Dan, we don't want the world. We just want you.

(SIGHING)

I get it. So, if anyone needs me, I'll be on the couch.

You don't have to sleep on the couch.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Wow, that's a lot of work for third graders.

I got roped into being in charge of the local Forest Festival.

Cool.

I would tell you more, but you are in desperate need of a shower.

I'm on it. Watch this.

(WHOOPING SOFTLY)

(SIGHING)

I'm married to a lunatic.

(CHITTERING)

(CALLING)

(CAWING)

(CALLING)

(TAPPING ON WINDOW)

(SHUSHING)

(TAPPING CONTINUES)

(SHUSHING) Shut it.

Lady Gaga!

What the... Hey. (SHUSHING)

Shut up! Go be a pecker somewhere else!

Go on, get out of here.

TAMMY: Dan?

Good riddance.

Who are you talking to?

This crow.

What crow?

The one that flew away.

Is that all my Forest Festival stuff on the lawn?

No.

Yes.

I'll go get it.

Ow!

I'm all over it. Just go back to bed.

(EXCLAIMING) Darn it!

Stupid crow.

I get up in eight hours.

(SIGHING)

(CHITTERING)

(TAPPING ON WINDOW)

Shut up!

(SCREAMING)

Oops.

Idiot.

(TAPPING ON WINDOW)

You got to be kidding me.

I don't care. It doesn't bother me.

(HUMMING)

Nope.

(TAPPING IN TUNE)

It's on!

Oh.

Hi, there, cutie pie.

Who's the pretty birdie?

Oh, you are, aren't you? You make pretty sounds.

That's a nice little song you're singing.

Do you know any more?

I wonder what it would sound like with your beak wrapped in duct tape.

(GROANING)

(SOBBING)

(EXCLAIMING IN PAIN)

(CROW CAWING)

Mom, found him.

(SNORING)

DAN: Honey, come on, there's nothing wrong with me.

I'm telling you, I'm fine.

Dan, chasing crows onto rooftops is not what I would consider "fine."

What, exactly, are you talking about?

Tyler, Mommy and Daddy need to talk.

Right, 'cause the car has soundproof windows.

(CLEARING THROAT) Come here.

All I am saying is I think you should take a day off and consult a professional. You're obviously going through something.

(SIGHS)

I can't do that. I can't afford to miss another meeting with Lyman.

The guy's flying hundreds of miles out of his way just to see me.

Mr. Eco-Developer is flying hundreds of miles out of his way in a private jet in order to have a meeting about eco-development?

Right.

Hey, (LAUGHING) that's funny.

Look, honey, just 'cause a crow kept me up all night's no reason to throw in the towel.

It's gonna take a lot more than that to keep Dan Sanders from building his utopia.

(DON'T BRING ME DOWN PLAYING)

Nature. Nature, nature, nature.

(SIGHS)

(WHISTLING)

DRILL SERGEANT: (ON SCREEN) Okay, Private, on my count, we're gonna charge up that ridge and shoot some commies.

(CHITTERING)

Take it up to eleven!

Three, two, one.

(SCREAMING)

It's fun!

MAN: (SINGING) Don't bring me down Don't bring me down Don't bring me down Don't bring me down

You're looking good just like a snake in the grass One of these days you're gonna break your glass Don't bring me down No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no

I'll tell you once more before I get off the floor Don't bring me down

(EXCLAIMING)

(CHITTERING)

(EXCLAIMING)

Hello.

Hi, Frank. FRANK: Mr. Sanders, I am happy to report that everything will be ready for the investors.

Hey, can you have the guys go take a look at the electrical in the basement?

(WHISTLING)

'Cause something shorted out and it could have killed me.

That's no good. I will have my boys right on that, okay?

You do that. Hey, hey, hey.

FRANK: What's wrong? Well, to tell you the truth, ever since I took this promotion, it's just been one long string of bad luck.

FRANK: No, no, no.

You know the great Ralph Waldo Emerson? You know what he said?

He said, "Shallow men believe in luck." Okay?

"Brave men believe in cause and effect."

That's profound.

Yes, mister. Okay. Okay.

(GRUNTING)

(SNIFFING)

P.U.

(SKUNKS SNICKERING)

(DAN SCREAMING)

MAN 1: Sanders, you okay? FRANK: Oh, my God, he's dead!

MAN 1: Come on. Hold on. MAN 2: Move, move, move.

It's all locked.

Open the door. Here we go.

You all right?

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Help me! FRANK: Captain, you all right, buddy?

It's Frank. MAN 1: Unlock the door.

FRANK: Captain.

(CAR HORN HONKING CONTINUOUSLY)

Easy.

Mr. Sanders, what did you have for breakfast?

FRANK: Get the hose. Get the hose, please.

(DAN MUMBLING)

Gross.

(ANIMAL CHITTERING)

Towel. Towel.

Towel.

(EXCLAIMING)

(SHRIEKING)

MAN: Holy smoke.

(MAN WHISTLING)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Oh, no. Oh, my God. I'm sorry. I'm gonna...

This isn't what you think. You got to...

(EXCLAIMING)

Where the heck are my clothes?

(EXCLAIMS IN FRUSTRATION)

No one will see me, get in the car, get some clothes, everything will be fine.

No one will see me, get in the car, get some clothes, everything will be fine.

No one will see me, get in the car, get some clothes, everything will be fine.

Get in the car, clothes, fine. Car, clothes, fine.

(MAN WHISTLING)

Hello! Right behind you.

MAN 1: Oh, jeez, he's at it again.

I had it detailed and it's very, very clean.

Hey, guys. Good work on number three. Anybody see the game?

MAN 2: Nice fit, pound cake.

Get to the store, get a new suit, get to Lyman.

(SCREAMING)

Frank, he did it again.

FRANK: Not again. Mr. Sanders, why? Why?

Then we take the pinecone and...

We take the pinecone and...

Oh! No, I remember. I remember now.

We take the pinecones and...

And we...

Oh! Now I have it.

We take the pinecones...

(TIRES SCREECHING)

DAN: I'm sorry if this seems impersonal, sir, but I'd better stay outside the aircraft, because the German measles are going around my kid's school.

We can't get a shot anywhere.

(DAN COUGHING LOUDLY)

(SHUSHING)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Yo, Petey. What up, brother?

No, no, no, dude. I am in hell here, bro.

No, seriously, I feel like I'm stuck in the Discovery Channel.

Excuse me. No, I don't get how people with half a brain could live in this town. Excuse me.

I don't even think they've heard of Starbucks, man.

Excuse me.

Like, come on, where can a brother get some coffee?

Excuse me.

Seriously, it's ridiculous. Hey!

Hello.

Can I help you find something?

Find something?

I am the student librarian.

I help people find books.

I love books. Stupid.

Okay, you wanna narrow that down for me, Sanders?

Wait, how do you know my name?

Oh. I know all about you and your dad. He's the developer, right?

Yeah, that's us.

The tree killer.

That's us.

Mmm-hmm.

I'm Tyler.

Total cheeseball.

Amber. You're funny.

Not to mention extremely sophisticated.

(GLOBE SHATTERING)

Got any plans for dinner?

(SHUSHING)

Okay.

LYMAN: Dan, the Indians will be here in 10 days.

We need to show what a truly special place Rocky Springs is.

LYMAN: (SINGING) Thinking caps, thinking caps

I got it. We could have an Indian-themed barbecue.

What does that even mean?

FELDER: Lots of things. It could mean... Oh! Instead of burgers, we have buffalo burger!

And we have wigwam, and teepee and squaw.

Squaw.

You were talking about the Gandhi type of Indians.

Uh-huh.

Wait, wait, we could sponsor the local Forest Festival.

Forest Festival? That's a great idea!

DAN: Well, you see, my wife is running it.

And they're strapped for cash. (WHISPERING) You're dead to me.

It's a great way to show the community how much we care.

Gold star, Dan. I'll call the publicist and the media.

Yes! Excellent, sir.

(ROARING)

(SHOUTING)

Why are you shouting at me?

No, sir, I'm not shouting at you.

Okay, fine, but use your inside voice.

Leave me alone!

What is his problem?

Hey! Polly want a cracker? Polly want a cracker?

Did we not vet him? Did we do a mental status exam on him?

Mr. Lyman?

Are you still there, sir?

Yes, I'm still here! All right? Where's your brain?

Sir, it's just... I'm very sorry...

Oh, dear.

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

I won't take up any more of your time, so I'll tell you what, I'll pick up a budget and a proposal and then I'll give it to you tomorrow after I huddle up with her on it.

(CONTINUES SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

Great! Bye!

Bees!

(BEES BUZZING)

(LAUGHING)

Honey, I'm home, and I am the bearer of some good news.

Guess who met a friend today, and guess who's having dinner at...

(SCREAMING)

Oh, honey, what happened to your face, Dan?

And why are you wearing my Yum Yum sweats?

I had a really long day.

Gonna find you anyway... You shoddy little...

You're not fooling anyone.

Let me guess. The crow?

I found your clothes in the garbage, so I put them in the wash. Thank you.

You're welcome.

I also made an appointment for you with a Dr. Burr. He's a local therapist.

Tammy, I'm fine. All I need is a good night's sleep.

All right, fine, I'll cancel, but one more episode and you're going.

This should help you sleep, however. Okay?

What is it? I got it from a fellow teacher at work.

"Mrs. Martin's Mushroom herbal sleepy-bye tea."

Mmm-hmm. Give it a try.

(SNIFFING)

Mmm.

Okay.

(THUDDING)

Tammy.

Tammy. Tammy.

I think there's somebody downstairs.

(LE FREAK PLAYING)

WOMAN: (SINGING) Find a spot out on the floor Ah, freak out!

Le freak, c'est chic Freak out!

Le freak, c'est chic Freak out!

How did you get in here?

Freak out!

Get out of my house!

(BURPING)

(PANTING)

Tammy, wake up. I just had the worst nightmare.

(SCREAMING)

(PANTING)

(HOOTING)

(HAMMERING)

(MOANING)

No banging until 7:00.

Oh, no.

Okay, if you don't wanna go in there, go over there.

(EXCLAIMING)

Dan, what are you doing?

Oh. Defending my home.

Okay, you need to try to explain to me what you're talking about.

Okay.

But you got to promise me, no matter how crazy this sounds, that you'll believe me.

I promise.

Okay, here goes.

The animals are out to get me.

And what animal are we talking about, Dan?

That's the thing. There's more than one of them.

There's like this whole posse of them.

I think they're in cahoots.

Cahoots?

See, you got the skunk. He's silent but deadly.

(MIMICKING SKUNK)

Then you got a crow.

(MIMICKING CROW)

Master of psychological warfare.

Then there's the brains of the operation, the raccoon.

Now if I take him out, the whole thing falls apart. Game over.

Well, you've done your homework, certainly.

I just have one question. What?

Are you taking crazy pills?

You promised. I take it back.

Tyler, man the switch. No, thanks.

Operation Rodent Retreat in five, four, three, two, one!

(SCREAMING)

Oh.

Tammy?

RECEPTIONIST: New Day Medical. I'm sorry, he's in a session right now.

Now, I'd like to begin with some ink blots.

Tell me what you see here.

First thing that comes to mind.

Look, I know I'm not supposed to say it looks like an angry squirrel, but that looks like an angry squirrel.

Oh, boy.

What about this?

An owl. An angry owl. Is this supposed to be helping?

All right, Dan, how long have you been afraid of animals?

I'm not afraid of animals.

Dan, Dan, Dan, denial is not just a river in Egypt.

(ANIMALS EXCLAIM)

Now, I want you to listen very carefully to what I'm gonna say to you.

The animals are not out to get you.

I know the animals are not out to get me.

You do? Yes, except for these three.

This one does all the talking. These ones follow his orders.

Jesus.

Dan, you're suffering from work-related stress and we need to find your happy place.

Now, we'll start by closing your eyes and taking a deep breath.

And now another deep breath.

In and out.

(BREATHING DEEPLY)

In and out.

In and out.

In and out.

How do you feel?

(SIGHS)

I feel great.

And you're not seeing things anymore, are you?

No, and...

Dan?

(GROANING)

Are you okay?

(SIGHING)

Is something out there bothering you?

Is it the animals?

Because you and I both know that there's nothing outside that window, right?

Dan?

Hey, stop! That's my hybrid! Hey!

Stop, stop, stop! Come here, you!

I knew it. This is my car.

Get out of my car.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! No, don't touch that... Don't...

(EXCLAIMING)

I'm going to crush you!

(SCREAMING)

Thank you, sir, may I have another? I love it.

Get off.

Uh-oh.

Why are you doing this to me? What did I ever do to you?

I don't have a problem with animals, even when they bite.

I like animals. Where are we going? Wait!

(BOTH HUMMING)

(BOY ON TV EXCLAIMING)

Ooh. That just hit the ball boy.

Okay, what do I do? Okay. So, angle it up. There you go.

Okay. There we go.

Okay. And spike it! Nice.

Yeah. You know, we could always play on an actual tennis court. Yeah, but where's the fun in that?

Amber, how long have you lived up here?

I was born here, Mrs. Sanders.

Oh, really?

I love it here.

Yeah, right. FRANK: Mrs. Sanders.

(SIREN WAILING)

Now what?

Dan?

(BALLAD PLAYING ON RADIO)

Therapy went well.

(ALL GASPING)

What happened?

(SIGHING) If you really need to know, I got carjacked by a raccoon and a skunk.

You must be Amber.

Yeah.

It's nice to meet you. If you'll excuse me, I need to remove a leech from my no-no zone.

Oh, my God.

Bye-bye.

Dan.

I'm telling you, these animals are out to get me.

I don't know why you won't believe me.

Because it's not possible. Raccoons do not carjack SUVs.

Well, this one did, and I will prove it to you.

Hey, Tyler. Hey, Dad.

Are you okay?

I think we both know that I'm way beyond okay.

See, I got these Indian investors coming to town, and there's a maniacal sociopathic raccoon that's been ruining my life, but no one seems to believe that it exists.

For whatever it's worth, I don't think you're crazy.

Amber gave me this book on local folklore.

Mmm-hmm.

I think there's something you should see.

Look, you're not the first person to ever try and settle Rocky Springs.

This area was first settled by Tookoo the Caveman in 9,000 BC.

(SCREAMING)

Tookoo disappeared without a trace, and many others in history have tried and failed.

There was Sigurd the Viking.

(GRUNTING)

Jedediah the Puritan.

(SINGING) We are all God's children And there was Terrance the Hippie.

Hey, little fella.

(SCREAMING)

Where are you going with this?

Look, I did a bunch of research, okay?

It seems like your buddy, Lyman, has pretty deep pockets in Washington.

He got them to rezone what was supposed to be a preserved forest.

(MUMBLING) No, I don't know. I'm sure that's not the case.

It is, okay?

You're building on a nature preserve and frankly, it's ticking nature off.

Are you telling me that the animals are trying to get me to stop developing Rocky Springs?

No, I think they're past that.

I think the animals are out for revenge.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(SNORING)

Beasty biting thing! (SCREAMING)

(COMPUTER BEEPING)

(CHUCKLING)

Got you.

I knew your luck would run out.

It's a setup.

(SOFT CHITTERING)

Oh, there you are.

Hi, little fella. This is a cute trick. Yeah.

It's supposed to be you?

(TOY SQUEAKING)

My turn now.

(GROWLING)

You're his friend.

(SCREAMING)

(PANTING)

(BEAR GROWLING)

(SCREAMING)

No, no, no.

No, no, no! No!

Go steal a picnic basket!

No!

(DAN EXCLAIMING)

(CHUCKLING)

Frank, have you seen my husband this morning?

I'm sorry, Mrs. Sanders, I have not seen him.

Have you seen my toilet?

I just don't think this can get any worse.

WILSON: (ON RADIO) Don't freak out. Don't freak out.

I stand corrected. WILSON: Nobody move.

Well...

Well, well, well, well.

Mrs. Sanders.

You have no idea where your husband is, do you?

Guilty as charged.

You know, I'm getting a little tired of your dumb-dumb show and your poppycocks and your jiggery...

(SHUSHING)

I don't want you to speak anymore. Don't do that.

MAN: I found him. Dan.

Oh.

Where?

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

TAMMY: You have got to be kidding me. DAN: Hello?

Dan? Dan, honey, are you in there?

DAN: Does anyone have some Purell?

Don't worry, Mr. Sanders, we'll have you down in no time.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Sooner than you think.

(SIGHING) Come on.

You might wanna cover your eyes.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Get the hose.

DAN: Tammy? Fire!

(DAN SCREAMING)

(COUGHING)

Are you okay, boss? Yeah, yeah, real good.

Nothing like a cold shower to wake you up in the morning.

(CLICKS TONGUE)

So you guys are making really good progress on unit three, and I was thinking about laying some pipe right about...

(DAN SCREAMING)

You are mine.

Dan.

This ends now.

I don't know where he thinks he's going without my keys, (CAR STARTING)

Unless I left them in the car.

(SCREAMING)

Let's end this now.

(WHIMPERING)

Ready,

aim,

aim again.

(GROANING)

I can't do it. I'm not a killer.

Come on, can't we just figure this out?

(SCREAMING)

I was trying to make this work, and you...

Now, you look here! I've got...

(RACCOON LAUGHING)

(RACCOON SCREAMING)

Bull's eye.

Lucky for you, I got LoJack.

Is it dead?

No, just shot him with my tankalizer gun.

He's just taking a tankalizer-gun nap.

How many more of these things have you got?

I got a whole warehouse stocked down in Harrison. Why?

What are you thinking?

I'm thinking about cleaning house.

(SKUNK SCREAMING)

Tree skunk.

They live in the hollers.

MAN: (SINGING) It's a beautiful morning

WILSON: Bring them in, boys!

Put those possums on the top.

All right. Yeah.

And watch out for them ferrets.

No sense in staying inside If the weather's fine and you got the time It's your chance to wake up and plan another brand new day Either way It's a beautiful morning

WILSON: Stack them high, boys. Stack them high. Hey!

Not so tough, are we now, Mr. Tom Turkey?

(TURKEY SQUAWKING)

MAN: Morning, Mr. Sanders. Morning, guys.

Not a raccoon in sight.

It just ain't no good if the sun shines When you're still inside CHORUS: Shouldn't hide MAN: Still inside Shouldn't hide Still inside

You know, with our animals locked up and under control, I think we could speed up phase two by several months.

That would be correct.

Mind if I join you? Please. Do sit down.

Thank you. So, Dan said you wanted to go over a few of the festival details.

Well, first of all, Tammy, I mean, you've done a fantastic job.

Thank you.

I just have a few tweaks.

FELDER: Tweaks, tweaks.

Our current plans for the festival, well, they're depressing.

Huh?

And this whole thing about pollution and the trees.

Please. If my Indian investors wanna be reminded about pollution, they'll stay home in Calcutta.

Stink-o.

Well, what do you want me to do? Get eco-go-go dancers?

Great idea. Jot that down.

Write this down.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hey, Mom, you owe me 25 bucks.

Yeah, ma, 25 bucks. Stupid!

Wait up. Wait. Stop. Stop.

(GROANING)

You holding up?

You kidding? I love cross-country running.

Well, come on, we only got 10 more miles.

Awesome.

(GROANING)

Hey, so, how's your dad? He feeling better?

Much. Yeah, I really think he's turned a corner.

Look, I know you see him as Mr. Evil-Let's-Develop-The-Ozone And-Destroy-The-Rain-Forest guy, but he really means well.

Look, I don't think your dad's a bad guy. I just don't like what they're doing.

Well, they are sponsoring the festival. That has to count for something.

Well, yeah.

Amber, is everything okay?

Yeah, you know, I was just thinking about midterms, my allowance, when you were gonna get up the guts to kiss me.

(CROW CAWING)

Is everything okay?

Hello?

I knew it. TYLER: No, no, This has to be a mistake.

Really? 'Cause it makes perfect sense to me.

God, the things people do for a dollar.

Amber, wait up. Just leave me alone.

Don't lump me in with my dad.

Kind of hard not to.

Thanks, Dad.

MAN 1: Keep it straight. Easy. WOMAN: Okay, I am.

MAN 2: Good job with the Moon Bounce, guys. Put the Ferris wheel over here.

TAMMY: Yeah, I got it. I got it. Just give me a minute, okay?

Dan, we've got to do something. Your boss is ruining the whole festival.

Tammy, it's not that bad.

Yeah, it is. It's going against everything it's meant to be.

It's a disaster. It's embarrassing.

Calm down, will you? What do you want me to do, Tammy? He's my boss.

So, were you ever gonna tell me? Tell you what?

About your four-legged prison.

Oh. (SIGHING)

It's not what you think it is, all right?

It's just for a couple of days until the investors leave and then...

Then what?

Well, we let the animals free and everything's fine, and you know what?

They're probably a little bit better off right now because they're safe.

Wow!

You are so blind to the facts.

You work for a green company and you're signing orders to cage little animals.

You're such a hypocrite.

Hey, Tyler. No, Mom.

Wait a minute.

What, I'm the bad guy?

Oh, come on. No.


Well, I hope it was worth it.

You know, my family has completely turned against me.

(CHITTERING)

Why me? What did I ever do to you?

Great, I'm trying to get sympathy from a raccoon. Like you'd understand.

Found your kids.

You have a family.

All this time, you were protecting them from me.

(MARCHING BAND PLAYING)

Hold still, Beatrice.

(SQUEAKING)

There!

Way to go, Cooper!

Pickle hit!

Come on, come on.

STINKY: Stinky loves pickles! Stinky loves pickles!

Once we break ground on phase two, Dan here will be able to build a dozen residential areas, which will all be gated communities.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

All right, be strong.

Stop developments in Rocky Springs!

Keep our forest green!

Sign the petition.

Stop development in Rocky Springs.

Hi, Mr. Houston.

You, take one. It's really important.

Amber! Amber!

What?

What are you doing?

Gandhi said to be the change that you want to see in the world.

Well, did Gandhi ever talk about you not returning my phone calls or my text messages?

Well, excuse me, I've been a little busy trying to stop your dad.

You know what? If you're gonna do something, then do it right.

Tyler. Tyler.

(LOUDSPEAKER SQUAWKING)

Stop the development of Rocky Springs! Sign our petition and keep our forest green!

Show-off.

Now if we use solar energy, we can raise rental prices at least 10% over market value while generating free publicity for being economically conscious.

Speaking of economically conscious, Dan's wife, and our festival coordinator, Tammy Sanders.

Tammy. Thank you. I'm proud.

The first Forest Festival that has nothing to do with the forest.

LYMAN: That's not true.

Dad!

Oh, and this is Dan's son, Tyler.

How's it going, kids?

Yeah, we're trying to stop the reckless development of the forest by Lyman Enterprises.

Funny. Kids these days.

Tyler, I know you must be very angry with me right now...

Look, this has nothing to do with you, Dad. The animals are gonna be killed.

Killed? No.

There must be some sort of communication breakdown.

Lyman Industries, we don't kill animals. We're just going to relocate them.

Yeah, but that's just the same as killing them.

I mean, you can't just relocate animals.

Enough.

I've heard all I need to hear.

Lyman, you got a deal.

What? What?

TAMMY: What about the animals?

Less animals, less hassle.

Let's get rid of them. AMBER: What?

Great, I'll call business affairs. We'll get the contracts here.

Do you have a fax machine, something?

So now we're killing animals? Hey, I...

Congratulations. Well done, Dad.

Wait. I thought that relocating the animals wouldn't be a problem...

I'm gonna go take care of our son.

Where are you going? There's something I've got to do.

(WHISPERING) I'll do what I can to create a diversion, so what I want you to do is get your families and get out of here.

All right? Good luck.

(ANIMALS CALLING)

WOMAN: Darling, over here! Look at the camera. Darling. Say cheese, darling.

Come on. Come on, honey. Come on, look over here.

Show me your punim, honey. Come on, look over here.

That's a very large owl.

(ANIMALS CHATTERING)

All right! All right, freeze!

Oh. Oh, there's a lot of you.

Don't freak out.

Freaking out!

How about a hand for the band, ladies and...

Friends and...

It's broken. It's broken.

(FEEDBACK)

Hayseed.

Friends and neighbors, my name is Neil Lyman, and on behalf of Lyman Enterprises, it has been a privilege to be a part of your little community.

(ALL CHEERING)

Today... Thank you. Thank you.

Today marks a new beginning for this little town of yours.

Some have called it backwater.

Some have called it irrelevant. MAN: Irrelevant?

Two-teeth maximum.

But I see your little corner of nature for what it could be, a center for a new suburbia.

(ALL CHEERING)

Thank you.

Thank you.

With me today is a great man who will change your little world.

So, without further ado...

Stop the development of Rocky Springs.

Stop the development of Rocky Springs.

My son, Tyler, here, he was right.

You were right.

This man's a fraud.

He's not eco-friendly.

He's not even friendly.

All right. That's a little below the belt, okay?

I forced my family to move here.

I said it was for the fresh air, for them to have a better life.

I was just trying to further my career.

I came here because I thought that I was building a community, but the truth is I was just stealing one.

I'm sorry. (MOUTHING) Thank you.

I'm sorry.

Sorry about this. Security. Security, please.

Okay, what if I told you people I was about to pour in

$100 million into the local economy?

Who's friendly now, huh?

Who's friendly now?

Don't listen to him. Mr. Sanders.

Okay, folks. All right, nothing to see here.

Let's not let a few rotten apples spoil a great time, all right?

So, Mr. Gupta, if you will kindly take my pen.

Drum roll, please.

(SCREAMING)

Is that all you got?

(ALL EXCLAIM IN DISGUST)

FELDER: Shoo! Shoo! Shoo!

Okay. Sign, sir. I'm not signing this.

Do it.

No. LYMAN: Do it.

I don't want to do it. I don't care!

Fine. Good.

(ALL EXCLAIM IN DISGUST)

Okay.

Drum roll, please.

Now what?

(ALL SCREAMING)

(EXCLAIMING)

Purkles.

Look!

It is raccoon.

(SCREAMING)

Sweet pea. You complete me!


(ALL SCREAMING)

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

My contract!

Now do you believe me? I will never doubt you again!

(EXCLAIMING)

I remember our first Forest Festival.

Amber! Amber!

Get off. Move. Get off!

I got the key.

Look, Brad Pitt. Where?

I got it!

So I started this business, oh, years ago, way, way back when you were just an egg.

(OWL GROANING)

(CHITTERING)


Tammy!

(ALL SCREAMING)

Goodbye, raccoon.

(SCREAMING)

It was an accident. Oh, my God!

The deal is...

No, it's not off! No!

WILSON: We're good.

It's right here, right here.

"Mr. Gupta." Good, good, good, good. Good enough.

Deal! Sweet dreams.

This is not what you think.

Hey!

Dan, I'll be right back.

(SCREAMING)

Bruce Lee from the grave.

So long, suckers.

So long, suckers.

(ANIMALS CALLING)

(LYMAN GROANING)

(HONKING)

LYMAN: You ain't so bad. You ain't so tough.

There's a bear driving a golf cart.

Doing a good job, too.

LYMAN: Put that tail down.

(SKUNKS SPRAYING)

That's gross.

(CLEARING THROAT)

Can I just say that I'm really sorry?

I got my priorities completely out of order,

and I love you, Tyler.

Dad. Dad, not cool, okay?

Tyler, tell your father that you love him.

What? Do it.

Do it. Do it. Do it now. Tyler.

AMBER: Tell him.

TAMMY: Tyler.

I love you, Dad. AMBER: Come on, say it.

Hmm?

I love you, too, Dad. Oh, you do.

I love you, too. I love you.

Hey, your parents are right there.

(SIGHING) Are we gonna be all right?

We're gonna be just fine.

(CHITTERING)


Now, this is a pinecone, and I'm painting it for Christmas.

So you can hang it on your door, in case you ever have a door.

Who you trying to get crazy with, ese? Don't you know I'm loco?

(INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE PLAYING)

WOMAN: (SINGING) To the one on the flamboyant tip I'll just toss that ham in the fryin' pan like spam It's done when I come and slam Yeah, let me tell you who I am Don't make me spell it Watch me get reckless Burning up the track like I was electric Damn, the lights are blinkin', I'm thinkin'

It's all over when your brain starts shrinkin'

Oh, makin' my mind slow But I can't stop when my body says go Bro, I gotta maintain

'Cause a freak like me is goin' insane Insane in da membrane Insane in da brain Insane in da membrane Insane in da brain Insane in da membrane Going insane Got no brain!

Insane in da membrane Insane in da brain You know I rhyme like no other Now it's time for the blubber Blabber, watch that belly get fatter Fat boy on a diet, don't try it Steppin' to me is like steppin' to a giant Much too fast like a sumo Hitting that mat Leaving your face in the grass You know, I don't take this thing lightly Punks just jealous 'cause they can't outwrite me So kick that style, wicked, wild Happy face clown never seen me smile Rip dat mainframe, I'll explain A freak like me is goin' insane Insane in da membrane Insane in da brain Insane in da membrane Insane in da brain Insane in da membrane Going insane, got no brain Insane in da membrane Insane in da brain Insane in da membrane Insane in da brain Insane in da membrane Going insane, got no brain Insane in da membrane Insane in da brain


WILSON: Don't freak out. Don't freak out.


LYMAN: Who's friendly now?

(FRANK SPEAKING SPANISH)