Galaxy Quest (1999) Script

Exiting time knot now, sir. We're alive.

We made it, Commander. We made it.

By Grabthar's hammer, we live to tell the tale.

Systems register functional.

All systems are working, Commander.

I don't like it. It was too easy.

Wait! Oh, no. They're everywhere!

There are time knots opening everywhere!

A trap! We're surrounded, Commander.

It's a core meltdown, sir. It can't be stopped.

Surrender may be our only option.

No! Never give up! Never surrender!

Your orders, sir?

Sir? Your orders?

Activate the Omega 13.

Well?

Well, there you are. Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah, that's what I'm talking about!

You are the first people to see the lost Galaxy Quest episode 92 two-parter since it was originally aired in 1982!

Yeah! All right.

Now, the moment you've all been waiting for.

The intrepid crew of the NSEA Protector! Yeah!

Red scarf, black shoes. Wait.

White scarf, black buttons, white shoes...

Man, where the hell is he? An hour and a half late?

An hour and a half. I mean, this is unreal.

They're gonna start eating each other out there.

Did you hear? He booked another appearance without us.

You're kidding!

How did I come to this? Not again.

I played Richard the Third. Five curtain calls.

There were five curtain calls. I was an actor once, damn it, now look at me. Look at me!

I can't go out there, and I won't say that stupid line one more time!

I can't, I won't. Well, Alex, at least you had a part.

Okay? You had a character people loved.

I mean, my TV Guide interview was six paragraphs about my boobs and how they fit into my suit.

No one even bothered to ask me what I do on the show.

You had the... Wait. Wait, I'll think of it.

I repeated the computer, Fred.

Your commander is on deck!

Wow, that smog is thick today, huh?

Am I too late for Alexander's panic attack?

Apparently not. You know, you should get that looked at. Yeah.

Let's take a look at a few more clips.

Okay. What did I do?

What?

We want the crew! For those four seasons, we developed the same affection for the crew as the crew had for each other.

I mean, these weren't just adventurers exploring space. These were friends.

Unbelievable. You are so full of it, man!

It's not a big deal. These guys put a little set in their basement.

I'm there about an hour.

It's nothing, Gwen. They wanted the Commander.

There he goes. Alexander, wait! Grab him! Grab him!

We want the crew! We want the crew!

Okay! Yeah! Here we go!

Come on, old friend, old friend. Friend?

You stole all my best lines, you cut me out of episode two entirely!

Tawny Madison, my personal favorite, Gwen DeMarco!

Yeah!

It's getting hotter, Commander.

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about!

Let's hear a warm welcome for crack gunner Laredo, Tommy Webber!

You will go out there! I won't.

And nothing you say will make me. The show must go on.

Freddie Kwan!

Damn you.

Damn you. I won't say that stupid line one more time.

Tev'Meck, Alexander Dane!

Yeah! All right!

By Grabthar's hammer, you shall be avenged!

Yeah! All right!

That guy can act.

And finally, my fellow Questerians, the brave commander of the NSEA Protector, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter...

Quincy, Quincy, Quincy, Quincy...

Taggart, Taggart, Taggart, Taggart...

Jason Nesmith!

Yeah! All right!

We love you, Commander!

Never give up. Never give up.

Never surrender! Never surrender!

Damn the resonance cannons, Damn the resonance cannons, full speed ahead! Full speed ahead!

The Commander and his crew will be signing autographs on imperial decks C and B near the Coke machines.

Quest forever, man!

Excuse me, pardon me, crew member coming through.

Fans, right? Hey, Gwen. Hey, man.

I want to thank you for that nice intro you gave us today.

Guy. Probably don't remember me, do you? It's the sunglasses, right?

I was on the show in '82, episode 81.

Got killed by a lava monster before the first commercial.

Listen, maybe I could sit in and sign a couple of autographs?

By Grabthar's hammer, by the sons of Warvan, I shall avenge you!

By Grabthar's...

Next.

Had I moved an inch to the left, the beast would have killed me.

On the other hand, my crew was in danger.

How did you know what to do?

Come on! Without my crew, I'm not a commander, huh?

I think we all remember what happened to that beast on Enok Vll, right?

You've got to admit, they really do love him.

Yeah, almost as much as he loves himself.

Excuse me, Commander. Hey!

I was wondering if you could help settle the dispute that my crew and I seem to be having.

If you remember, in "Quasar Dilemma"...

Excuse me for a minute, fellas.

Hadn't even gotten to the relevant conundrum.

In episode 15, "Mist of Delos V,"

I got the feeling that you and the Commander kind of had a thing.

Did you?

No. The Commander and I never had a thing.

Well, that's her story.

Excuse me.

Gwen.

Gwen!

Commander. Excuse me.

I must speak to you. It is a matter of supreme importance.

We are Thermians from the Klatu Nebula and we need your help.

Is this about that gig tomorrow?

Just hammer out the details with my agent, and make sure there's a limo at my house.

Last time I did one of these gigs, they shoved me in the back of a Toyota.

Remember, mum's the word.

Certainly, but...

Mum. Mum.

Here, and beautiful!

Crewman Madison, the mist of this strange planet is filling my head with such thoughts.

It was cute when I didn't know you.


What a freak show, man. This is hilarious.

Bunch of losers! Begging for autographs at 15 bucks a pop.

These guys haven't had a real acting job for 20 years. This is all they've got.

And did you check out Nesmith?

He actually gets off on those retards... Oh, yeah.

...thinking he's a space commander!

And his friends... I know, they can't stand him!

Did you hear them ragging on him in there?

Dude, he has no idea he's a laughingstock, even to his buddies.

He's pathetic! Come on, come on.

The Galaxy Quest dancers are almost on.

Full speed ahead, Lieutenant.

Hey, Commander, so as I was saying in "The Quasar Dilemma," remember, you used the auxiliary deck B for...

Can you get this? Deck B for gamma override.

The thing is that online blueprints clearly indicate that deck B is independent of the guidance matrix.

So we were wondering, just where the error lies in that?

It's just a television show. That's all, okay?

Right, but... 'Cause we were wondering if the quantum flux, nowjust listen...

There is no quantum flux. There's no auxiliary.

There's no goddamn ship!

You got it?

I mean it. I mean it, Alex.

I've never seen him lose it like that. Not to a fan.

I mean, it was just weird.

Gwen, I have said it for years.

He's mentally unstable.

I... I'm worried. It just was not like him.

As long as there is injustice, whenever a Targathian baby cries out, wherever a distress signal sounds, among the stars... Among the stars...

...we'll be there.

This fine ship and this fine crew. This fine ship and this fine crew.

Never give up. Never give up.

Never surrender. Never surrender.


Can I help you?

Sir, I understand this is a terrible breach in protocol...

You shouldn't come to my house, man. Please, I beg you to hear our plea.

We are Thermians from the Klatu Nebula.

Our people are being systematically hunted and slaughtered by Roth'h'ar Sarris of Fatu-Krey.

We are to meet in negotiation.

However, our efforts in this regard have been disastrous.

Please, Commander. You are our last hope.

We have secured our limousine. What?

It's the thing for the thing that's...

Maybe I should get some pants on.

Come on in.

Commander, I must say that standing here in your presence is the greatest honor we could ever have hoped to achieve in our lifetime.

That's... I really appreciate that.

Would you guys look for another shoe that looks like this, please?

Sir, I am Lahnk, senior requisition officer.

Before we travel to the ship, please let me know if you have any requirements.

Weapons, documents, personnel.

A Coca-Cola, do you have one of those?

Sir, I am Teb.

I would like to explain the history between our people and the Sarris dominion in greater detail.

Hey, how you doing?

In the five million years following the Great Nebula Burst, our people were one...

What's your name?

Doesn't she talk? Her translator is broken.

Okey-dokey.

You know, guys, I had a late night with a Kreemorian fangor beast, so I'm gonna just shut my eyes for a bit.

Go on. You know? I'm listening to everything you say, okay?

In the five million years following the Great Nebula Burst, our people were one people.

But then came the Zactor Migration, and then the Melosian Shift and a dark period of discontent spread through the land.

Fighting among Treeb sects and Largoths. The foolishness!

And it was in this time of dissension that Sarris...

Commander. Commander?

I'm sorry to wake you, sir, but your presence is requested on the command deck.

Sir, Sarris has moved the deadline.

We are approaching his ship at the Ni-Delta now.

He wants an answer to his proposal. I understand...

I got most of it in the car. Sarris is the bad guy, right?

Oh, yes, sir. He's a very bad man indeed.

He has tortured our scientists, put us to work in the gallium arsenide mines, captured our females for his own demented purposes...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I got the picture.

Do you have pages or just want me to wing this?

I am not sure I understand you.

Commander, welcome to the Protector Two.

Good to see you. Would you like to don your uniform?

No, you know what? I'd like to skip that.

I got this gig in Van Nuys in about a quarter of an hour. Is that all right?

As you wish. Sir, it's Sarris. He's here.

General, I have just received word the Thermians have appointed a new commander to handle the negotiations.

What?

This is great. You know, usually it's just cardboard walls in a garage.

Sir, we apologize for operating in low-power mode, but we are experiencing a reflective flux field this close to the galactic axis.

You know, what I could use is a cup holder and a couple ofAdvil.

We're approaching in five ticks, sir. Command to slow?

Set it on screensaver two.

I guess, we, you know, got to...

I'm sorry to break up the mood here.

Slow it down to mark two, Lieutenant.

I see fear. That is expected.

They bring a new commander. It's good.

Here are my demands. Scary. I mean, you know, it looks...

And if I do not hear what I like, ...real.

Then there will be blood and pain as you cannot imagine!

First... Backwash.

...I require the Omega 13.

Second, I will require a technician...

Okey-dokey! Okey-dokey! Let's fire blue particle cannons full, red particle cannons full, gannet magnets, fire them left and right and let them run all chutes.

And while you're at it, why don't you toss that at them, killer?

That should take care of old lobster head, shouldn't it?

Yeah.

Commander, where are you going?

Home. You mean Earth?

Yeah, Earth. I need to get back to Earth, kids.

But the negotiations, you fired on him.

Yeah. Yeah. Long live... What was your planet called?

Thermia. Long live Thermia. This way?

What if Sarris survives?

I doubt it. We gave him both barrels. He has a very powerful ship.

If you got any more problems with the guy, just, you know, give me a call.

An interstellar vox. A what? Hey.

How can we thank you, Commander?

You have saved our people.

Yeah. Okay.

You know, you kids have been great. You really have.

This thing is real-looking.

Yoo-hoo. Hello?

Hey! Where's my limo?


Take it from us, we've been all over the universe.

But we've never seen space-age values like we've seen here at...

Tech Value Electronics Superstore!

By Grabthar's hammer,

what a savings.

All right! Yeah, let's hear it for the NSEA Protector.

Vacuum laser...

What, no, no, no, no. You've got it all wrong.

Yes, if he's down in the Omega 13...

Brandon, are you okay? Commander! My apologies.

You know, evidently we had a little miscommunication regarding the voyage. You didn't show up.

He... He did it again.

Do you know what time it is?

Why do you even bother to show up at all?

No, no, no, no. Guys, I was there.

I was up there.

Remember yesterday at the convention, those people dressed like aliens?

They were aliens. They were Termites or Dalmatians.

I can't really remember 'cause I was kind of hung-over.

But what they built was extraordinary. It was a huge spaceship.

I got to fight this guy named Sarris and I kicked his ass!

I know what you're thinking. But I can prove it. They gave me this.

No, no, no, no, no. But can you talk to people in space on those?

Protector, this is the Commander. Over.

Oh, for God's sake. That's it. It's time to go!

This isn't mine.

That kid. Where's that kid?

Begging your pardon, Commander, we come with news. Sarris lives.

He was able upon your departure... Listen.

...to make an escape. Tell them.

However, he has contacted us... Sarris.

...and wishes to negotiate a surrender.

We humbly implore you to come and negotiate the terms.

They want me back? You want me back?

Is this amazing? They want me back, and I want you guys to go with me, please.

Don't even think about it. Let's go. Yes!

You're going? Alexander, this is not... I'm not kidding here!

This isn't some kind of prank! I'm not kidding. Guys, guys, listen.

Come on. Gwen, Gwen, Gwen, Gwen. Stop, come here.

You know me. I'm a lot of things, but am I crazy?

You know, it's one thing to treat us this way.

It's another thing to do it to your fans.

She's not a fan! This is a Termite!

You should've just let me hit him.

Boy, I didn't know you could get that loaded.

I think we should've just taken the gig.

I mean, who knows the next time he'll ask us.

Fred, he was drunk. Do you really think he was talking about a job?

But you live with your mother.

Did Jason come through here? Yeah, he's in there. Hey, guys.

We are coming, too.

All of you wish to go to the ship? Yes, we wish to go to the ship.

You see, we work together, or not at all.

Wonderful. The Commander had me continue transmission in case you changed your mind.

Protector, requesting four interstellar... Me, too.

Five pods for immediate departure.

Guys. Guys?

I look forward to meeting you all in person when you arrive at the ship.

End transmission.

Oh, my God.

Anybody got any change?


Our most sincere apologies.

We forgot about our appearance generators.

You guys came! Who wants the grand tour?

Anybody else?

That was a hell of a thing.

What's wrong with them? I don't know. Come on.

That's right, guys, just keep shaking it off, it gets better.

Hey, try some gum. It helps. Where are we?

The 23rd quadrant of the Gamma sector.

There's a map in the core room. I'll show you, come on.

Welcome, my friends! This is Mathesar, he's their leader.

I am Mathesar. On behalf of all my people I wish to thank you from the deepest place in our hearts. Mathesar, this is my crew.

Dr. Lazarus.

Dr. Lazarus. Dr. Lazarus.

Lieutenant Madison.

Lieutenant Madison. Lieutenant Madison.

Young Laredo, how you've grown.

Young Laredo. Young Laredo.

Tech Sergeant Chen.

Tech Sergeant Chen. Tech Sergeant Chen.

Crewman number... Guy.

Guy. Guy.

You know us?

I don't believe there is a man, woman or child on my planet who does not.

For years since we first received transmission of your historical documents, we have studied every facet of your missions and strategies.

You've been watching the show?

Lieutenant, historical documents.

Historical documents from out here?

Yes. The past 100 years, our society had fallen into disarray.

Our goals, our values had become scattered, but since the transmission, we have modeled every aspect of our society from your example, and it has saved us.

Your courage and teamwork and friendship through adversity.

In fact, all you see around you has been taken from the lessons garnered from the historical documents.

Is this a spaceship?

No, this is a star port for the ship.

Would you guys like to see the ship?


Oh, my God!

It's real.

The generator room.

The beryllium sphere, of course.

And as we continue, the medical quarters are to the left.

We went to some trouble duplicating your cellular regeneration system...

Jason, what have you got us into? What the hell is going on?

What are we doing here? Wow, the floors are so clean.

We're just here to negotiate this guy Sarris' surrender.

It's no big deal.

And the organ fabrication chamber is coming along nicely.

No big deal? Are you crazy? We have to get out of here.

Come on, guys. Jason, we're actors, not astronauts.

You guys want to go home? You say the word, we'll go home.

Pay our bills, feed our fish, fall asleep in front of the TV and miss out on all this.

Come on. Do you guys want to do that? Anybody?

Gwen, come on, think about it. Look at where we are. We're in space.

Alexander, this is the role of a lifetime. You guys want to leave?

We have enjoyed preparing many of your esoteric dishes.

Your Monte Cristo sandwich is a current favorite of the adventurous.

The main barracks.

At ease.

It's like throwing gasoline on a flame.

What?

I'm just jazzed about being on the show, man.

If you would all take your positions.

Our what?

Guys.

Oh, my!

Look, this thingy.

I remember I had it all worked out.

This is forward. This is back.

Commander, some of the crew has requested to be present at this historic event.

Sure. Bring them in.

No pressure, huh? I'm glad I ain't the Commander.

Laredo, take us out.

Excuse me?

They designed those controls after watching you.

Take her out. Right, right.

Okay. Right.

Right. Take her out.


Okay, you got to move to the right. Move more to the right.

Would you sit your ass down? Sit! Move! You want to drive this thing?


How are you enjoying your steak, Commander?

I'm really enjoying it. This is like corn-fed lowa beef.

Yes, we programmed the food synthesizer for each of you based on the regional menu of your birthplace.

I don't care where you did it, it tastes great.

Are you enjoying your Kep-mok blood ticks, Dr. Lazarus?

Just like Mother used to make.

So, tell me, Mathesar, this Sarris person that we're flying to meet, what does he want?

He heard about the device, the Omega 13.

What is it? What does it do?

We don't know.

We were hoping you could enlighten us.

The Omega 13 device.

We found that on an alien planet. We don't know what it does either.

Why don't you just turn it on and see what it does?

It has at its heart a reactor capable of unthinkable energy.

If we were mistaken in our construction, the device would act as a molecular explosive, causing a chain reaction that would obliterate all matter in the universe.

Has Sarris ever seen any of the historical records?

No, thank God, he has not.

So how does he know about the Omega 13 device?

Our former commander was not strong.

Former commander?

I am sorry. You deserve to be shown.

The tape was smuggled off of Sarris' ship.

Originally, one of our own tried to lead.

Is that all?

After three days of this, you still require incentive?

I have told you all I know.

If you have any mercy within you, please, let me die.

When I grow weary of the noises you make, you shall die.

Hey, guys, come on, hold on a minute.

You just can't leave. Give me some time to think.

Think. He wants to think.

No, Jason. That's a wrap. There's nothing to think about!

I'm not even supposed to be here.

I'm just crewman number six. I'm expendable.

I'm the guy in the episode who dies to prove the situation is serious.

I got to get out of here.

Commander! Commander?

We got to prepare the pods for my crew's departure.

But begging your Commander's pardon, sir, we can't launch pods at the moment.

Sarris will surely detonate any objects leaving the ship.

Sarris? Yes, sir. He's here now.

Your presence is required on the command deck.

There's nobody here.

While my people are talented scientists, our attempt to operate our own technologies under tactical simulation have been disastrous.

I have raised Sarris on Zeta frequency.

Mathesar... We meet again, Commander.

Hello, Sarris. How you doing?

Better than my lieutenant.

He failed to activate the ship's neutron armor as quickly as I'd hoped on our last encounter.

Yeah, well, you know, I'd like to say I'm real sorry about what happened before.

The whole thing was just a misunderstanding.

Deliver the device to me, or I will destroy your ship!

You know, we'd like to do that, but frankly, Sarris, sir, we don't know what it is or even where it is.

You have 10 seconds!

I don't... Ten seconds? I don't... There...

You know, okay. Gosh darn it, I give up. It's yours. You can have it.

You have to give me a minute to put it in a box for you, okay?

Gwen.

Don't panic. I've dealt with this guy before.

He's as stupid as he is ugly.

Come here. Jason.

Not now, Gwen.

No! Sit, sit, sit, sit, sit.

We're gonna send everything we can at him, all right?

Jason. Not now, Gwen!

Push these red buttons and send everything we have towards him.

Okay? Okay.

All right, Gwen, put me back on with him.

Well, I'm trying to tell you, you are back on.

Perhaps I'm not as stupid as I am ugly, Commander!

I gave you the "kill" gesture.

Yeah. No, you gave me the "we're dead" signal. I was agreeing with you.

Like I know where the hold button is. Hey, you guys.

There's a red thingy moving toward the green thingy. What?

Red thingy moving toward the green thingy.

I think we're the green thingy.

A little present for you, Commander.

We got to get out of here! Move the ship! Turn it! Move it! Go!

Oh, no!

Oh, my God!

Tommy, Tommy, let's go!

Get us out of here! Jason, what do I do?

Let's go! Go, go, go! What do I do?

They're turning. They're coming!

Thrust ahead, full!

Fire at will.

Go faster, Tommy! I'm going as fast as I can, Jason!

She's still behind us!

Well, press "turbo."

I've always said, "Press the turbo," right?

It's right here! Right here! Well, press it and hold it down!

The enemy is matching velocity.

Enemy is matching velocity. We heard it the first time!

Gosh, I'm doing it. I'm repeating the darn computer.

Hi, guys. Listen, they're telling me the generators won't take it.

The ship is breaking apart and all that. Just FYI.

We've got to stop! We stop and we die.

Tommy, just hold that thing down! You cannot hold the turbo down!

It's for quick boosts! Like you know!

I remember that sound. That's a bad sound.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! We might be able to lose them in this cloud here.

I don't think that's a cloud. Mathesar, what is it?

This is the Tothian minefield left standing from the great war of 12185.

Oh, God!

Could you possibly try not to hit every single one?

Sorry, man, they're drifting towards us. I think they're magnetic!

Continue forward, sir?

Patience, Lieutenant.

Patience.

We've got to stop! We're almost through this.


You okay? You all right? Yeah.

Everybody all right? Where's Tommy?

Tommy! You all right? Oh, man!

No, my arm is broke. Don't touch it! Don't touch it!

I'll take him to medical quarters. Thanks, Mathesar.

Alex, where are you going?

To see if there's a pub!

Forward thruster shaft, 87% damage.

Aft vector guards, 96% damage.

Structural breaches in quadrants 32, 34, 40...

What about the engines? Forward thruster shaft, 87% damage.

Computer, what about the engines? Why don't we have power?

The beryllium sphere has fractured under stress.

It's fractured.

Can it be repaired?

Computer, can it be repaired?

Damage to beryllium sphere irreparable.

New source of beryllium must be secured.

We need another one.

You broke the ship. You broke the bloody ship!

Computer, is there a replacement beryllium sphere on board?

Negative. No reserve beryllium sphere exists on board.

No, we have no extra beryllium sphere on board.

You know, that is really getting annoying!

Look, I have one job on this lousy ship.

It's stupid, but I'm gonna do it, okay?

Sure, no problem.

A thousand apologies. We have failed you.

How have you failed us?

We have seen you victorious in much more desperate situations.

The fault must lie with us, with the ship.

No, Mathesar, it is not your fault, and it's not the ship's fault.

It's my fault. We screwed...

We are not the people you think we are.

I don't understand.

Didn't you make any TV shows on your planet? Any theater? Films?

The historical documents of your culture. Yes, in fact, we have begun to document our history from your example.

No, not historical documents. They're not all historical documents.

I mean, surely you don't think that Gilligan's Island is a...

Those poor people.

Oh, brother.

We're screwed.

Is there no one on your planet who behaves in a way that's contrary to reality?

You are speaking of...

Deception, lies. Deception, lies.

We have only recently become aware of this concept in our dealings with Sarris.

Often, Sarris will say one thing and do another.

Promise us mercy, but deliver destruction.

It is a concept we are beginning to learn at some great cost.

But if you are saying that any of you could have traits in common with Sarris...

Hey, Commander, listen. We found some beryllium on a nearby planet.

And we might be able to get there if we reconfigure the solar matrix in parallel for endothermic propulsion.

What do you think?

We'll do that! All right!

That's right again. That's... Come on, group hug. Come on.

Dr. Lazarus, I hope I am not breaching protocol, but I am so very humbled to stand in your presence.

I have studied your missions extensively.

Though I am Thermian, I have lived my life by your philosophy, by the code of the Mak'tar.

Good, that's very nice.

By Grabthar's hammer, Dr. Lazarus...

Don't do that. I'm not kidding. I'm sorry, sir, I was only...

Just don't.

Yes, sir.

Never give up. Never surrender.

Dr. Lazarus? Here is your surface mapper.

I have programmed it to the coordinates of a beryllium sphere of sufficient density.

Good luck on your mission, sir.

Thanks.

You're doing good, Tommy.

I changed my mind. I want to go back.

After the fuss you made about getting left behind?

Yeah, but that's when I thought I was the crewman that stays on the ship and something is up there then it kills me.

But now I'm thinking I'm the guy who gets killed by some monster five minutes after we land on the planet!

You're not gonna die on the planet, Guy.

I'm not? Then what's my last name?

It's... I don't know.

Nobody knows! Do you know why?

Because my character isn't important enough for a last name.

Because I'm gonna die five minutes in.

Guy, you have a last name.

Do I? Do I? Yes!

For all you know, I'm just crewman number six.

Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!

Are we there yet?

Mommy! Tommy!

Look out! Oh, no! Pull out!

Oh, yeah!

Come on. Oh, boy! Come on.

Hey! Don't open that! It's an alien planet!

Is there air? You don't know!

Seems okay.

Here we go.

Which way, Alexander?

This way!

Wait. No.

That way.

You were holding it upside down. Shut up.

You know, with all that makeup and stuff, I actually thought you were smart for a second.

You think you could do better, Laredo?

All right with that Laredo stuff. We're screwed. We're so screwed.

Come on, come on, come on. If we want to finish this mission, we have to use some self-control.

Self-control? That's funny coming from a guy who slept with every Terrakian slave girl and moon princess on the show.

Did it ever occur to you, had you been more supportive we might have been able...

Wow. Must be some sort of mining facility.

Where are the miners?

Something bad happened here. Will you relax?

There they are. Beryllium spheres. Let's go.


Look at that. Would you look at that?

They look like little children.

Could they be the miners?

Sure, they're like, three years old.

Miners, not minors!

You lost me. I don't like this.

I don't like this at all. They are so cute.

Sure, they're cute now, but in a second, they're gonna get mean.

They're gonna get ugly somehow, then there's gonna be a million more of them.

Look. There's a little hurt one.

Hi. Hi there.

Did you guys ever watch the show?

See? They're gonna help the little hurt one.

I'm so sick of being right.

Let's get out of here before one of those things kills Guy.

Wait a minute! We're not going anywhere without a beryllium sphere.

We need a plan. Fred, I need a diversion to clear the compound of those things.

Then, Alex and Gwen and I will go get a sphere.

Tommy, get up on that ridge.

If you see them come back give me a signal, all right?

Why does this sound so familiar?

"Assault on Voltareck III," episode 81.

We're doing episode 81? Whatever. The one with the hologram.

The wall of fire. Well, how the hell is Fred supposed to project a hologram?

Are we doing episode 81? It's just a rough plan, Guy.

What difference does it make if it's episode 81 or not?

'Cause I died in episode 81.

Episode 51, right? 51. 51.

This is ludicrous. Why are you listening to this fellow?

May I remind you he's wearing a costume, not a uniform.

He's no more equipped to lead us than this fellow. No offense.

Look, they're gone.

Where'd they go? Back inside? I don't know.

Nobody was watching?

All right, all right. Listen up. Here's the plan.

Gwen, Fred, Alex and I will go down and get a sphere.

Fleegman, you set up a perimeter and Tommy, you're lookout.

You see anything at all, you give us a signal, all right?

What kind of a signal?

Any kind of signal. Okay, I'll do my hands like this.

What are you, an infant? Look, we have these.

That. Sorry.

Let's go.

Does the rolling help actually? It helps.

Where's your gun? It helps.

What?

Never give up. Never surrender.

Oh, shut up. Oh, shut up.

Jason! They're coming! There's thousands of them, Jason!

Run, Jason! Run! They're coming! They're everywhere!

They're everywhere! Jason, they're everywhere!

They're everywhere! Come on, let's go!

They're coming! Hurry!

They're everywhere! Come on! Oh, God! Oh, God!

Don't look back. Do not look back!

Oh, God. We're not gonna make it!

Oh, God!

I knew it, I knew it! I knew this was gonna kill me!

Go, go, go! Come on! Push it harder! Let's go, Tommy!

I got it but it's gonna take a few seconds.

I got it, I got it!

Oh, yeah! Go ahead.

There's no time. Get in! Get in!

Come on. I've forgotten you've got to be the hero, haven't you?

Heaven forbid anybody else gets the spotlight! Oh, no! Jason Nesmith...

Jason! Jason, come on! Hurry!

I'm on it! Tommy, go! Go! I'm in!

No, no, no! Jason, please!

Tommy, stop the pod! He's not in! But I can't stop it, it's on autopilot!

Go! Leave him! No!

Oh, right!

Of course, it's always about you, isn't it?


Gorignak! Gorignak! Gorignak! Gorignak!

Jason? Jason, can you hear me?

Yeah, Gwen, you got me.

Thank God. Are you okay? Yeah.

As a matter of fact, I have Gorignak staring me in the face right now.

But you know what? I think I can take him.

Jason, we're gonna use the digital conveyor to get you out of there.

The digital conveyor? Yes.

You mean I'm gonna be diced into cubes and sent up there in a million pieces?

Right. Well, you know what?

I think I'll take my chance with Gorignak.

We're getting you out right now. It's perfectly safe, isn't it, Teb?

It has never been successfully tested.

What did he say? Hold, please.

Theoretically the mechanism is fully operational.

However it was built to accommodate your anatomy, not ours.

But now that Tech Sergeant Chen is here, he can operate it.

It was designed watching his motions from the historical documents.

I mean, I can't. I can supervise...

Jason, we're gonna test it.

On what? How about that pig lizard?

Hey, I'm doing all right with the pig lizard.

Please, Fred? And hurry.

I'm sorry. It's very exciting to watch the master at the controls.

The operation of the conveyor is much more art than science.

Stand back, Jason.


What? What was that?

Nothing. I hear some squealing or something.

Oh, no. Everything's fine. But the animal is inside out.

I heard that. It turned inside out?

And it exploded.

Did I just hear that that animal turned inside out and then it exploded?

Hello?

Hold, please.

Hey, wait a minute, guys, guys.

If the pig lizard is gone, why are they still yelling "Gorignak"?

Teb, hit the translation circuit.

Rock, rock, rock, rock! Rock, rock, rock, rock!

Jason, I don't think the pig lizard was Gorignak.

What the hell you talking about?

Oh, darn.

Digitize me!

Come on, Fred. Come on, guys. Digitize me!

Oh, no, not me. Come on, they...

They based it on your hand movements.

Am I the only one who saw that thing inside out?

No, no, no. I'm not the guy.

I'm not Tech Sergeant Chen, I'm Fred Kwan.

I'm not even... Kwan's not even my real name.

Fred's no good, Jason. You're just gonna have to kill it.

Kill it? Well, I'm open to any suggestions.

Go for the eyes, like in episode 22!

It doesn't have any eyes, Tommy.

Go for the mouth or the throat, its vulnerable spots!

It's a rock. It doesn't have any vulnerable spots!

I know! You construct a weapon. Look around you.

Can you form some sort of rudimentary lathe?

A lathe! Get off the line, Guy!

Alexander, you're my advisor. Advise me!

Well, you're just gonna have to figure out what it wants.

What is its motivation?

It's a rock monster. It doesn't have motivation.

See, that's your problem, Jason. You were never serious about the craft.

Fred! Fred, can you hear me? Fred, are you there?

Kind of. You can do it, Fred! It's up to you!

Oh, no, no, no. Jason, I'll just... I'll just mess it up.

You did it for four years on the show! Do it now!

That was the show. I'm not that guy!

Fred, you never forgot a line! You never missed a mark!

That's not me anymore man.

It is you, Fred. You just stopped trying.

You can do this, Fred! I know in my heart you're gonna save my life.

I am? No doubt about it, Fred.

Fred!

Fred, can you hear me?

Fred!

Fred? I don't want to die down here.

Digitize me, Fred!

Oh, wow.

Tech Sergeant Chen. Yeah!

I see you managed to get your shirt off.

I did it. Welcome back, Fred.

All right, did we get the beryllium sphere installed?

Yes, we are back to full power. Great! Engines and pods?

Fully operational. Perfect!

Well, crank this sucker up, you could drop us off and you guys can be back in your home planet before supper.

Oh, no, sir, we have no reason to go back.

Sure you do. Family, friends. Come on!

We are all that is left.

I didn't know that. Sir, I have raised the command deck.

Mathesar, meet us up at the command deck.

Mathesar.

Mathesar! Quellek!

Why can't we reach them?


Commander. Thank God you're alive.

Now you will face justice, Sarris.

At every turn, you demonstrate the necessity for your extermination!

Leave him alone.

You wish to save the life of this man?

Yeah. Yes.

Then tell me, what does it do, this Omega 13?

I don't know what it does.

I said I don't know!

Is it a bomb? I don't know.

A booby trap? I don't know!

Tell me! I don't know!

Do you think I'm a fool?

That the Commander does not know every bolt, every weld in his ship?

Prepare a tear harness for the female.

No! Gwen, no!

You brute! Let go of me!

I'm not the Commander.

What did you say?

I said, "I'm not the Commander."

Leave them alone. There's no reason to hurt them.

They don't know anything. Explain.

Gwen, show him the historical documents.

Computer, show the historical documents of the Galaxy Quest missions.


Wonderful.

You have all done far greater damage than I ever could have.

Bravo!

Bravo.

This is a moment I will treasure.

Explain to him who you all really are.

Tell him!

Explain!

Mathesar, there's no such person as Captain Taggart.

My name is Jason Nesmith. I am an actor.

We're all actors.

He doesn't understand.

Explain as you would a child.

We pretended.

We lied.

Yes! You understand that, don't you, Mathesar?

Mathesar, I'm not a commander. I...

There's no National Space Exploration Administration.

We don't have a ship.

But there it is.

That ship is that big.

But inside, I see many rooms.

You've seen plywood sets that look like the inside.

Our beryllium sphere is wire with plaster around it.

And our...

Our digital conveyor is...

...Christmas tree lights.

It's a decoration. It's all fake.

Just like me.

But why?

It's difficult to explain.

On our planet, we...

We pretend to entertain and...

Mathesar, I am so sorry. God, I am so sorry.

So now you know.

Lieutenant Lathe, hardwire the reactor core to overload.

I would like to blow this troublesome vehicle to dust.

Sarris, what about my people?

Yes, far too simple a death for them, isn't it?

Lathe, open an oxygen seal on level C.

Let the air in a bit for our friends.

Son of a...

Release them into space.

Core overload. Emergency shutdown overridden.

Core implosion estimated in nine minutes.

Core overload. Emergency shutdown overridden.

Hey!

Core implosion estimated in nine minutes.

Where's the happy ending, Jason?

"Never give up. Never surrender."

Maybe it's about time you just backed off, you fin-headed monstrosity.

Jason.

You what?

You're starting to act like you did in episode 17, you scene-stealing hack.

Oh, right!

Well, how does it feel, Jason? Was it worth it? You've murdered us all!

Shut up. Hundreds to die just because of you!

I told you to shut up! Both of you, get in there.

Hundreds to die, just because you want to play at being commander, you raving lunatic.

Then I'll see you in hell, won't I?

Look out, Jason!

Get his gun! Get the gun!

Take that!

Sorry... The door's a little sticky. Did you see that?

I'll get one of my boys up here with a can of WD-40.

You used to pull your punches. Scene-stealing hack? Thank you.

Raving egomaniac? Wonder where I got that from?

Hey, guys.

Look.

They're suffocating.

Core overload. Emergency shutdown overridden.

Core implosion estimated in eight minutes.

General, your transport is ready for departure.

Core overload. Emergency shutdown overridden.

Core implosion estimated in seven minutes.

Computer, shut down the core. Unable.

Memory checksum invalid. Core systems hardware damaged.

All right, all right, listen up. This is what we gotta do.

Gwen, you and I, we're gonna get to the core and shut it down manually.

Fred, take Guy and Laliari. You find that valve, shut it off, before those Thermians run out of air.

Alexander, get to the barracks, see if you can't wedge a door open in case they can't do that.

Okay. Wait, Jason. What about me?

What do I do?

You're gonna practice driving. Let's go!

Practice driving.

So we get to shut down a neutron reactor?

That's right. Well, I hate to break it to you, Jason, but I don't know how to shut down a neutron reactor, and unless you took a Learning Annex course I don't know about, I'm pretty sure you don't know how to shut down a neutron reactor, either.

No, I don't, but I know someone who does.

Brandon, honey, the garbage.

Mother, I'm quite busy.

Come on, Brandon, don't make me ask you again.

Just 10 more minutes, okay, Ma? I promise.

Hello? Anybody there?

Hello?

Got him. Listen to me. This is Jason Nesmith.

I play Commander Peter Quincy Taggart, NSEA Protector.

We accidentally traded voxes the other day when we bumped into each other.

Commander, I see. Okay.

What's your name, son?

Brandon.

Brandon, I remember you. From the convention, right?

You asked all those little technical questions about the ship, and I was a little short with you.

Yes, yes, I know, Commander, and I actually wanna...

I just wanted to tell you that I thought a lot about what you said...

It's okay. Now, listen. But I want you to know that I'm not a complete brain case, okay?

I understand completely that it's just a TV show.

Hold... Wait a minute... I know there's no beryllium sphere...

Stop. Stop for a second. Stop. Wait. ...no digital conveyor, no ship.

It's all real.

Oh, my God, I knew it. I knew it! I knew it!

The crew and I are in a lot of trouble and we need your help.

Core overload. Emergency shutdown overridden.

Core implosion estimated in six minutes.

Sir, it's you. Thank lpthar.

Quellek? What are you doing up there?

I avoided capture by using your Mak'tar stealth haze.

Where is everyone?

Come with me. I'll explain on the way.

All right, we're at level C, hallway five. Now what?

Go to weapons storage, your second left, through the passage.

Now, that leads to a system of utility corridors through the bowels of the ship.

Open. You know what? I'm gonna get Kyle.

He knows the utility tunnel system better than anybody alive.

38, 39, 40.

All right. All we have to do is turn off the valve to the barracks.

Hi, Brandon.

No time for pleasantries, Kyle. We have a level 5 emergency.

You've still got the utility systems walk-through, right?

Yeah, I've got sectors one through 28. I think Hollister has the upper levels.

Great, we'll get everybody online.

Pedal to the metal, Commander. Pedal to the metal, Commander.

General! I have just received word that the commander of the Protector and his command crew have escaped custody.

What?

Find them!

But, sir! My men... The core implosion is not reversible.

Find them!

All right, Brandon, I see five ducts in this room.

Which way do we go?

Enter the passage second to your left, and just continue straight for 50 meters.

Ducts? Why is it always ducts?

There will be a slight drop.

Thanks for the heads-up, Brandon! You okay?

They're dying.

Wait a minute. We gotta go across this thing?

Yes. Don't look down.

Commander, what I'd give to see what you're seeing.

What are you talking about?

You're deep in the underbelly of the Omega 13!

It must be spectacular.

Well, it doesn't look like much to me. Just these few walls and this dumb spinning fan that we have in every single...

Brandon, what does the Omega 13 device do?

Many have believed that it is a matter-collapser.

A bomb capable of destroying pretty much everything in about 13 seconds.

But myself and others are convinced that what it is is a matter-rearranger, effecting a 13-second time jump to the past.

Why 13 seconds?

That's really not enough time to do anything of any importance.

It'd be time to redeem a single mistake. What?

Come on! Go, go, go, go!

Fleeg, we gotta turn off that valve. Their oxygen's almost gone.

Listen, I'll go in. I'll create a distraction. I got this. I'm okay, I might be able to hold them back long enough for the aliens to escape.

That's suicide.

I'm just a glorified extra, Fred. I'm a dead man anyway.

If I'm gonna die, I'd rather go out a hero than a coward.

Guy, Guy, maybe you're the plucky comic relief.

You ever think about that?

Plucky? Well, besides, I just had this really interesting idea.

Are you stoned?

Gotta get it open, give them some time.

Sir, perhaps together, the Mak'tar chant of strength, "Larak tarath."

Larak tarath, larak tarath. Larak tarath.

Larak tarath, larak tarath, larak tarath! Larak tarath, larak tarath, larak tarath!

All right, Brandon, we're across. Now what?

You want to take a left and then just straight on through the chompers.

"The chompers"?

Well, screw that.

How are we supposed to get through this?

Hollister, do you have the sequence yet?

Okay, the sequence is 2242...

What is this thing? ...2242...

I mean, there's no useful purpose for there to be a bunch of chompy-crushy things in the middle of a hallway!

Gwen! Gwen! No, I think we shouldn't have to do this.

It makes no logical sense! Why is it here?

'Cause it's on the television show! Well, forget it!

I am not doing it! This episode was badly written!

Okay, Commander, now, as soon as the first crusher hits you...

It just did!

Okay, go now. Go!

Go!

Stop!

Go!

Come on, come on, come on.

Go!

Go! Go!

No, stop! Stop!

Go!

Stop! Wait a minute! No!

I want you to jump, Commander, jump!

Whoever wrote this episode should die!

This should be interesting.


It's the simple things in life you treasure.

That's great.

Now, we better get...

Hey, get a room, guys, okay?

Hey, Fred.

That's not right.


Sir, the pressure, it's normalizing.

Open!

We are saved.

He has saved us.

Commander Taggart has saved us!

It's just not fair.

All right, Quellek, let's get back to the command deck.

I'm... I'm shot.

Quellek? Quellek?

It's not too bad.

We'll get you to the medical quarters and you'll be fine.

It has been my greatest honor to serve with you.

I have been blessed, sir. I...

Don't speak, Quellek.

You'll forgive my impertinence, sir, but even though we had never before met, I always considered you as a father to me.

Quellek,

by Grabthar's hammer, by the sons of Warvan, you shall be avenged.


13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19!

All right, Brandon, I'm here. How do I shut this thing down?

Okay, just push the blue button.

The blue button? Is that it? Yeah, why, what's wrong?

Nothing, I just thought it'd be more complicated than that.

Core implosion estimated in 20 seconds.

Brandon, it's not working. Brandon!

Mother, I cannot stress enough the severity of the Commander's predicament. Don't forget the recyclables!

Core implosion estimated in 10 seconds.

9,8... Gwen, I...

...7,6... I've always...

...5,4... Jason, Jason.

...3,2,1.

It always stops at one on the show.

What were you saying?

Sir! What?

The core detonation sequence on the Protector has been aborted.

Impossible! Lmpossible!

Lock a complement of implosion missiles onto the Protector.

Tear her apart!

He's finished, he's finished.

Alexander, listen to me. It's okay, it's okay.

The Thermians can handle it from here. We gotta go. Come on.

We need that armor back up!

Get me a forward view right now! Plasma armor engaged.

All right, Tommy, see if you can't lose them in that minefield.

Minefield? Pedal to the metal, right now!

Pedal to the metal! All right, let's go!

Good going, Tommy. Great going.

Thrust ahead, full!

Into the field, go!

Tommy, can you get us closer to these mines?

Closer?

I could try.

General, I've lost them.

The magnetism of the minefield is disrupting our instruments.

Wait! I see something.

Yes. Yes! There they are.

Get back on their tail. I can't, sir.

What? Why not? Because they're coming right at us.

Fire at will.

We're getting hammered, Jason! Return fire?

No! Divert all energy to the armor!

How adorable!

The actors are going to play war with me.

Sarris' ship accelerating toward us at mark two.

Accelerate to mark four.

Let me remind you, sonny, I am a general.

If you are counting on me to blink, then you are making a deadly mistake.

Well, let me tell you something, Sarris.

It doesn't take a great actor to recognize a bad one.

You're sweating!

Armor almost gone, Jason!

You fool! You fail to realize that with your armor gone, my ship will tear through yours like tissue paper.

And what you fail to realize is my ship is dragging mines.

Oh, no! Turn, turn!

Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

This is fantastic!

Mathesar!

Oh, my God, you're alive.

Come here.

"The ship was a model as big as this."

A very clever deception indeed.

Set a course for home, Commander?

Can you do that? Yeah, it's just point and click.

But we're going to have to go through the black hole, though.

Any objections?

All right, set her up.

What's the matter, Mathesar?

We were hoping you could come with us.

My people have no commander.

Mathesar, I think your people have a great commander, sir.

All right, Tommy, take us into the black hole.

We're out! We're going home!

Systems register functional.

All systems are working, Commander.

Jason, before the black hole, there was an energy surge from Sarris' ship.

Let's not worry about that right now, Alexander.

Fred, what are you doing up here? Shouldn't you be downstairs until we...

Hey, you know, you could put an eye out with that thing.

Fred?

No!


Mathesar!

Activate the Omega 13!


We're out! We're going home!

Systems register functional.

All systems are working, Commander.

Jason, before the black hole, there was an energy surge from Sarris' ship.

Jason, what are you doing? What are you doing?

Let go of me. Let... It's not Fred!

That's Sarris. Listen to me!

I'm telling you, it's not Fred, that's Sarris!

He's gonna try to kill all of us!

Never give up. Never surrender.

Jason! Jason! I can't slow it down!

Our ship is too big to enter the atmosphere.

We need to separate, or we'll die.

We gotta do it. It's our only hope, Mathesar. Thank you.

Crew to the secondary deck.

Mathesar!

Goodbye, my friends.

Fred, get up to command deck. We're separating.


On, Teb, on!

This is the third day of the Galaxy Con, and Jason Nesmith and his entire crew are no-shows here at the big event, much to the disappointment of all these fans.

Bye. Be back soon!

Well... Wait. Brandon, where are you going with all those fireworks?

The Protectorgot super-accelerated coming out of the black hole and it's, like, nailed the atmosphere at mark 15, which, you guys know, is pretty unstable, obviously, so we're gonna help Laredo guide it on the vox ultra-frequency carrier and use Roman candles for visual confirmation.

All right, dinner's at 7:00.

Well, he's outside.


Lieutenant Laredo, Tommy Webber!

Hi, Tommy!

The beautiful Tawny Madison, Gwen DeMarco!

Yes!

Wow, what effects!

Another shipmate! Yes, the more, the merrier!

The ship's Tech Sergeant Chen, Fred Kwan, and a friend.

Dr. Lazarus, Alexander Dane!

Give him a big hand. He's British! Yes, sir!

Commander Peter Quincy Taggart, Jason Nesmith!

Great driving, Tommy.

Yes! Yes!

Quick, quick! Go, go! Move, move!

Once again, Commander Peter Quincy Taggart, Mr. Jason Nesmith!

Come on, give it up for the crew, the NSEA Protector!

True love! Yes!

Wow!

Come on!

They're here for you, folks. Come on!

What a show!

What a show! Yes!

Yes! Give it up! Wow!

Come on, give it up! Give it all up for the crew of your favorite show, Galaxy Quest! Wow!

Come on, come on!

Don't forget to buy a Galaxy Quest T-shirt on your way out. Thank you.

And now, back again after 18 years, the new adventures of Galaxy Quest.


Never give up. Never surrender.