G.B.F. (2013) Script

♪ Gets, gets better, better ♪

♪ Our summer out west, our summer is sex ♪

♪ Our summer just gets better ♪

♪ Our summer out west, our summer is sex ♪

♪ Our summer just gets better, better ♪

♪ I don't need no weekend telling me when to begin, ah ♪ You stay upstairs until I call you down for dinner

♪ Single ladies want a ring on it, I shake a finger ♪

♪ Let it be, I'll call you Paul ♪

♪ Paul, you call me Linda ♪

♪ Single ladies want a ring on it, ah ♪

♪ I shake a finger, I shake a finger ♪

♪ All the single ladies want a ring ♪

♪ I shake a finger ♪

♪ We're just having fun if you got to order ♪

♪ Our summer out west, our summer is sex ♪

♪ Our summer just gets better ♪

♪ Our summer out west, our summer is sex ♪

♪ Our summer just gets, gets better, better ♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪

♪ Better, better, ah ♪

♪ Ah, ah, better, better ♪

♪ Our summer is sex, we get so wet about the weather ♪

♪ She tell you no 'cause she want avoid a commitment ♪

♪ She resists, but you persist, and I suggest her sister ♪

♪ She's a go-getter, she say no, never ♪

♪ She's a go-getter, she never say no ♪

♪ The sign says open, doesn't ever say closed ♪

♪ I put a twenty on her, she's good to go ♪

♪ I bet you get her, she say no, never ♪

♪ Our summer out west, our summer is sex ♪

♪ Our summer just gets better ♪

♪ Our summer out west, our summer is sex ♪

♪ Our summer just gets, gets better, better ♪

Ever notice how in high school There's just something about being first, Like that girl who's always first to raise her hand Or that first kid to own every new cutting-edge ithingy?

There's so much pressure to be a trend-setter, a pioneer.

Well, not me.

Tanner Daniels was just like any other average comic-book geek, More than content to fly under the radar And leave the trailblazing to the others.

After all, of the many firsts my peers were vying for, One still remained conspicuously up for grabs.

Never in the history of north gateway high Had any student admitted out loud To being an honest-to-goodness, card-carrying, proud...

Or even slightly modest... homosexual, Including me and my best friend, Brent.

Explain this to me again. How will being the first out kid In school make you instantly popular?

It's simple. All the teen and tween rags agree...

The hottest new trend sweeping schools worldwide Is the G.B.F.

G.B.F.? Gay best friend.

Every celeb has one, so every teen girl needs one.

And pretty soon, all three prom-queen front-runners Will be battling it out for my attention.

♪ H ♪

♪ E ♪

♪ R ♪ Three powerful cliques controlled north gateway high, And the queen bitch from each Ruled our school from nearly every direction.

Caprice winters dominated As queen of drama, all three kinds of choir, And our school's loose network of minority students.

Then there was 'Shley Osgoode, short for "Ashley,"

Which was about as edgy as she got.

With her perpetually sunny Mormon disposition, 'Shley ruled all wearers of shiny gold crosses And goody-two-shoes.

But neither could hold a candle to Fawcett Brooks.

By far the hottest girl in school And empress of the rich and popular, Fawcett loved fads and hated fatties.

Her trademark golden tresses Had won her "best hair" three years in a row, an unprecedented achievement because you're supposed to be a senior to win.

Like neighboring warlords in a third-world country, They maintained an uneasy balance of power, Friendly but always vigilant Of anything that could upset the truce And create all-out social warfare.

So, I'm thinking prom, for maximum effect.

That way, no matter who wins king or queen, All anyone will remember is me.

Why not send out a mass text and be done with it?

"F.Y.I., I like guys.

Now let's never speak of this again."

Tanner, you cannot come out via text. That is so gay.

Well, you can count me out... Er, in, I guess.

Oh, how very early 2000s of you. I'm so not surprised.

Yeah, Glenn here is more likely to come out than Tanner, And he is our token vagina enthusiast.

Damn straight. Literally.

Look, it's not a matter of if I'm coming out. Of course I am.

It's the "when" I'm still working on.

I just can't believe that you'd be happy Being some vapid whore's sexless accessory.

And what makes you think this plan will even work?

Oh, you know I've been doing my reconnaissance.

Ready? Okay!

Fawcett's the obvious prom-queen front-runner, But since mega-hottie Hamilton smith dumped her last week, She's vulnerable, and she'll be looking for an edge... whoo! ...any edge.

What the hell was that? You guys were totally out of sync.

It's that time of the month, ladies.

Please. Their "must-have" list is so five minutes ago.

Let's hear it. This month's are... totally bedazzled vintage totes, Chunky cashmere ironic shrugs... been there, worn that. distressed jeggings... Cute!

I practically invented them.

Cold Langu. and a G.B.F.

It... It stands for... I know what it stands for.

Well, I can't help it that the school is devoid of the gay.

I mean, if there were some, they'd obvi worship me.

I mean, look at this.

No, no, totally. They'd worship you.

Like, look at you. You're, like, beautiful, like...

Okay, so, Fawcett might fall for it, But what makes you think a super-Chris like 'Shley Osgood Would ever want a G.B.F.?

'Shley is Mormon. Hey, Glenn.

Their whole shtick is just being relentlessly nice to you Until you give up and throw on a pair of their magic underwear.

Yeah, they smile to your face and prop-8 you in the back.

I can't believe our godless peers read this blasphemy.

They're trying to make sin seem "in."

I don't know.

Don't you ever think it would be kind of neat to meet one?

Like a real, live gay? What?

You know, we could bring him youth group Or take him out for milkshakes or something.

And then if we're all super-duper nice to him, Maybe he'd realize that the only person He should be gay for is Jesus.

'Shley, you can't just befriend these people.

They're out to steal Our brothers, boyfriends, our gerbils, All as part of a secret agenda To spread their gaybies all over America.

Aww. Gay babies?

No! Like... like gay rabies.


'Shley will try to befriend me and convert me, And that'll make Fawcett want me even more.

So, what about Caprice? Please.

Miss Caprice cannot stand not being the center of attention.

You all saw her mostly plagiarized musical mash-up Of "mean girls" last spring.

♪ Mean girls ♪

♪ Mean plastic girls ♪

♪ I'm coming to get you wherever you turn ♪

♪ I'm writing your name in the book of burn ♪ That actually could have been kind of brilliant.

But it wasn't.

Caprice needs a gay visionary To shepherd her career towards iconic Diva-Dom.

I just hope everything goes according to plan.

You won't forget us when you're in a new Social stratosphere, will you? No promises.

Oh, my god! Is that the new one?!

Oh, sweet, dude!

And I still carry the last flip phone on the planet.

We are so downloading guydar.

What the hell is guydar? Where have you been?

It's the new app that lets gay guys find other gay guys Through state-of-the-art, globally positioned technology.

She knows. I only know about it Because Brent here tried to download it onto my phone.

Yeah, and hetero buzzkill here totally cock-blocked me.

I'm not soiling my pristine phone With some slutty gay hookup app.

Tanner, we're not gonna do anything.

We're just gonna see if there are any other gay guys in this town and find out how many cubic feet away they are from us.

It's science.

And it's about to change our lives.

Which was actually true, but not in the way we imagined.

But it isn't fair, Ms. Hoegel.

I'm sorry, Soledad, but the school board was clear.

Now, we can't have a gay/straight alliance Without an actual gay member.

Just because we're all straight Doesn't mean that there aren't gay kids at this school.

My future G.B.F. is just waiting to come out of the closet And tell me how fierce I am.

Please, Ms. "H," this club is all I have.

Is this about helping queer and questioning kids or yourself?

It's all for the gays!

They need to at least know this group exists.

What if Viola here came out as a lesbian?

Hey! I'm strictly dickly, yo.

Just take one for the team.

Now, Soledad! Or the fact that Braxton has two mommies...

That has got to count for something.

And both Mrs. Cooper-Cullins were so helpful In organizing last month's Vegan bake sale.

Moms say hi, by the way.

Hi, moms.

But it's simply not enough, I'm afraid.

Please, Ms. Hoegel, just buy me a few more weeks.

Like, I will find a real-life gay, Even if I have to drag the little teen queen Out of the closet myself.

Soledad, I don't want you conducting Some sort of a gay witch-hunt.

No, of course not, Ms. Hoegel. Give it time.

One day you will meet the gay of your dreams, And it will be the happiest, Most fulfilling day of your life.

Then it's all downhill from there.

Hi, there, Soledad. Or whatever.

You're prez of the school's currently gay-less G.S.A., Right? Yeah, something like that.

Couldn't help but overhear your dilem.

I might have an idea that could help you out.

Keep up.

The Wi-Fi password is "Lilo."

Oh, hey, guys. Where's the fire? Oh! Hi, mom.

Um, we just got this really tough math assignment, so...

Oh. Math.

It's gonna be, like, a really tough nut to bust.


Later, Mrs. Van Camp.

Be safe! W-with your math.

Your mom totally knows and also thinks we're doing it.

Why don't you just tell her?

Oh, she's so smug, dropping her little hints.

I'm not gonna give her the satisfaction.

Maybe when she gets the balls to ask me.

Maybe she's just respecting your privacy.

She wants to milk this for all the drama it's worth.

Trust. I am her son, after all.

Do we have to listen to this heinous pop dance crap?

Shut up. You know you love it.

♪ Why should I be a victim of this love? ♪

♪ Why should I feel so ashamed? ♪ Knock, knock!

What?! What do you want?!

Everybody decent?

Yeah, mom.

No, I'm serious. Yes, we're decent!

Oh, god. Okay, good. Whew! Just checking.

Oh, O-M-G! This be my jam. Whoo!

Hey, you boys have any poppers?

A popper would really hit the spot right about now.

Mom, um, yeah, this, um, dance party is invitation-only, so...

I simply came up to tell you boys That I won't be back up here for at least one hour or so.

Relax. Do your thing. Get crazy.

Thanks. I'm good with it.

Thank you. All right. Bye! Yeah. Great. All right.

Now that we've banished the beast, Let's download that app and find us some mens.

What if we see someone we know on there Or someone finds my phone?

It's my ass on the line.

Tan, please, If I don't at least get my makeout on before college, I'll be playing sexual catch-up for years.

I just want to find out if there are Any other gay guys there that, you know, aren't you.

You know, no offense.

Okay, fine.

But we're gonna need a profile picture first.

Say "cheese." Cheddar!

Let me see.


Th... Hey!

Relax. You'll just be another headless torso In a sea of low self-esteem.

P.S... Your abs ain't too bad, Mr. Four-pack.



Now let's see what the filthy gays of north gateway think of them.

You sure this is a good idea?

Was Drake on "Degrassi"? The answer is yes.

Bad-ass rapper Drake Was on a wholesome Canadian after-school soap opera.

Never forget.

We had little luck Chatting up dudes on Guydar that night, But the next day, Soledad and her swarm Of blossoming fruit flies were preparing To put the app to much better use.

Okay, ladies, somewhere in this school, There's a sexually confused boy With no one to turn to and nowhere to go.

So we must hunt him down... To help him, of course.

According to a very knowledgeable source On what's in style, this guydar thing Is all the rage with the gays, especially the closet cases.

So, we all got our Faux-Mo avatars ready, right?

Yep. Mine's of Robert Pattinson's air-brushed torso.

That's what they like, right? Totally.

And you've got Zac Efron. Perfect.

And Persephone's rocking Adam Lambert.

Oh, great. I think we got all our bases covered.

Let the manhunt begin!

Oh, shit!

What was that?

Oh, um, nothing.

Just stating the obvious in here.

Ew. Let's go.

Shit. Shit, shit, shit.

Tanner! Hand it over.

You'll get it back at the end of the day.


Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Shit!





What's up, bitch?

Herr Brent.

Ein moment, Frau Burkhardt.

Oh, Scheisse.

Ooh, I got one! 4packboy95.

He's 400 feet away.

I got him, too! This way!


Give me your phone now! Now!

Oh, my god, Brent!

You're obsessed with that stupid app.

You don't understand. Soledad and her gaggle of junior hacks Are using guydar to track gays at the school.

Oh, my god. Slatsky took my phone in third period.

It's still signed on.

I am not taking the fall for this!

Time for the big, dramatic coming-out you've always wanted.

Wait. No, no, no, no! This is not how I planned it.

P-P-Prom is months away!

It's coming from in here.

We are here to help. Come on, guys.

What do you think you're doing?

Who do these hairless abs belong to?

The signal's coming from the front of the classroom... you have two seconds to... from right around...

Mr. Slatsky's desk?!

Mr. Slatsky? Mr. Slatsky?

You're married to a lady, And these are clearly not your abs.

This is false advertising.

What are you talking about?

Wait! It's not Mr. Slatsky's.

Tanner, I don't think you should.

This is your cellphone, correct?

I-I guess it is.

You're the secret gay.

But you're not even that fabulous.

I... guess I am... n-not fabulous, but gay.

I'm gay, I guess.

Oh, we've got one, our very own homosexual!

Tweet this right now.

We did it! I'm so excited!

What are you looking at, fag-off?

What, are you...

What, are you checking out my... balls?

You trying to check out my balls?

Tanner! Wait! Wait! I'm your friend!

Leave him alone, you desperate psycho-bitch.


That was really mean. Oh, really?

Are you a psycho, and are you a bitch?

I am his best friend. I couldn't believe it.

I'd been so careful for 17 years.

I mean, I learned how to clear The internet history when I was 11.

One stupid slip-up had cost me everything, And I had one person to blame.

Hey, girl, hey.

"Hey"? That's all you have to say?

I'm sorry. I-I freaked. It happened so fast. I...

You were the one who wanted to come out!

I can't believe you let me take the fall!

Shh. Please. Okay, look.

Maybe you can turn this around, You know, like pretend it was a joke.

You can't "no homo" this, Brent.

I'm basically a dead man, And what kills me is you're the Queeny one.

The least you can do is come out And take your share of the daily beatings.

I can't. I mean, it would be, you know, pathetic, Like I'm copying you or something.

You know what? I blame myself.

All I ever do is go with the flow, your flow

99% of the time.

Oh, please, Tanner. We both know you love being the sidekick.

Oh. So, I'm the sidekick? Wow.

Well, at least now I realize all you care about is yourself, You self-absorbed, gutless little faggot!

Tanner Daniels.

Christ, Tanner. I said I'm sorry.

Sorry, Mrs. Van Camp, But I'm allowed to use that word, Seeing as how I am one... just like your son.

Tanner, you had no right.

Well, what do you care? You know she knows.

It was a total dick move, And I immediately regretted it, but it was too late.

Like Lex Luthor and Clark Kent or professor X and Magneto, Brent and I went from best friends to archenemies In a matter of seconds.

Hey, Tanner. How was school, honey?

Uh, hey, Shannon, dad.

It was uneventful, lacking events.

Why? You didn't hear anything, did you?

No. What would we have heard about, Tanner?

Nothing, of course, because of the whole nothing thing.

Well, honey, that's great. Are you hungry?

'Cause I made my world-famous, homemade, gluten-free popsicles.

They are delicious.

Oh, I hope you made them extra thick and fruity, Just the way Tanner likes them.

What?! Uh, I mean, right.

Uh, thanks for freezing juice on a stick for me, Shannon, But I'm good.

Maybe you'll have one later.

Maybe I'll have one right now.


What flavor did you make?

Cherry. Ohh.

The next day, I tried to keep an even lower profile that usual, But my power to go unnoticed had been completely neutralized.

Hey. Remember me?

Hey, Sophe. Sorry I haven't texted/called you back.

I'm just really overwhelmed right now.

Look, I know you're pissed at Brent, And, honestly, I would be, too.

But what he did was an accident.

What you did with his mom was... Wait.

Really? Wow.

Of all people, I never expected you to take his side.

He outed me to the entire school.

And plus, his mom already knew.

But it wasn't your job to tell her, and you know that.

You know what, Sophe? I have bigger things To worry about than Brent's psycho mama drama.


Well, hey, there, tan tan.

You know, I used to think you were a little fag.

I didn't realize you were actually a full-fledged homo!

That doesn't even make sense.

Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? You calling me stupid?

You calling me stupid and gay?

Hamilton, take your hands off him.

Back off, babe. We're history, Which means you don't tell me what to do anymore.

History... now, that's an appropriate word Because that's what your sex life is gonna be If you don't leave him alone.

After all, I know things...

Tiny, little, pinky-sized details.

Touch him again, and you won't be able To get as much as a half-ass handjob From some flag-twirling color guard skank.

Bitch, you wouldn't dare.

Try me.

You okay, babes?

I'm... fine.

I'm Fawcett.

Yeah, I know.

You doing anything after school?

Want to go sip extra-large low-fat iced coffees And talk shit about people?

Hey, there, you. I like coffee, too.

I'll come with.

Ooh! I like decaf.

How nice for you both.

Well, uh, we could all go together?

Fine. Whatevs. Let's.

So... so, you're a gay now.

Uh, not now. I mean, I've always been.

Just now everybody knows.

Are you gonna audition for the spring musical?

'Cause we're doing "The Wiz," and we're gonna need, Like, as many minorities as we can get.

I'm not much for the whole singing or dancing Or being onstage thing.

You sure you're a 'mo?

What gay stuff do you, like, like?

Um, I'm into comics.

Like Kathy griffin? She's Hilar.

Uh, no, like comic books.

That's not gay. That's just lame.

You don't even sound like the ones on bravo.

Say the word "fierce." Ooh.

Yeah, I don't really say that word.

Oh, well, maybe it's like Caprice.

I mean, she's black, but she doesn't talk like them.

Excuse me? Well, not all the time.

Yeah, Ashley, it's like when we call you a "Mormon"

But forget the second "M."

Anyway, what about those other losers you eat lunch with?

They seem way gayer than you.

Oh, no, no, no, no. I heard Brent is like super hetero.

That's why they're all fighting.

That Glenn, though... Oh, he is way too cute to be straight.

Uh, Glenn is so not gay. Trust me.

I would know 'cause I've got that gaydar thing, right?

But even that Sophie girl... She's always seemed like A mucho muncher supreme to me.

I don't think so. I mean, she hates all the guys At this school, but she hates all the girls, too.

Well, Tanner, I just want you to know That I'm totally fine with your homosexiness.

I mean, it is a sin and all, But we Mormons pretty much think everything's a sin, Including those caffeinated beverages you guys are sucking down right now.

So, if you're all gonna burn in hell for an eternity, You may as well have a nice time Being all queer and stuff while you're here.

Well, that's at least consistent of you, 'Shley.

I have an amazeballs idea.

This Saturday, why don't you and me come back here, And we can totally gay you over?

Oh, and I know all the stylists at heroine salon.

I'm sure they can give you something butchy And Rihanna-esque.

I think he just needs a trim, sweetie, Not a full-blown weave.

These are clips, boo.

Um, I-I have a gift card To banana republic that's half full.

Well, perf. I guess we'll see you both there.

None of them wanted to share The school's newest limited-edition status symbol, And if that meant pretending to play nice with each other, Game on.

That weekend, I quickly discovered that if I was Going to accept the protection of the "in" crowd, I had some Major catching-up to do.

Where have you been?

I thought we were meeting at the food court.

That was like four texts ago. Come on!

My texts-per-minute average was extremely subpar.

I had about 200 completely unacceptable photos of myself Tagged on Facebook.

Ooh. Fat face. De-Tag.

De-Tag. De-Tag. De-Tag!

Oh, my god. De-friend whoever put that one up!

And I was about three months behind On all of the latest abbreves.


Ugh, fug, in the good way.

Ohh! This one is tally "feroshe"-balls.


That's what we're calling it.

Here, sweetie.

♪ Since we found out ♪ One, two, three.

♪ Anything can happen ♪ Oh, my god.

Praising the leather god.

♪ Anything can happen ♪

♪ Anything can ♪

How do we look together?

I love it!

It was a straight-up makeover-Montage situation, And all I could think of was how much Brent Would have lived for every second of it.

♪ I guess we thought that's just what humans do ♪ With Brent, Sophie, and Glenn, it was always so easy.

I never worked so hard just to have friends.

But without Fawcett and the other clique queens Watching my back, I was a sitting duck.

♪ But now I've seen it through ♪ Good morning, ladies. Hey.

So, you speak to traitor...

Excuse me, I mean Tanner... This weekend?

Well, no, actually.

I called him like 50 times, and no responses.

You two really need to work it out. I mean, it's like...

Uh, ladies...

♪ I know it's gonna be ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Uh-huh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪ But I don't think I need you

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪ He united them. I can't believe this.

I can't believe how tight his pants are.

And is he wearing bronzer?

He's spray-Tanner now.

Before, I could move through this school Unnoticed, invisible.

But as the G.B.F., Well, I was kind of indestructible.

The up-close view of 'topher, 'Shley's hot Mormon boyfriend, Wasn't bad, either.

For once, I was actually kind of enjoying the spotlight.

What do you think you're doing with that...

That ho... Ho... Ho...

Ho-ho? This is a Twinkie.


I'm talking about that other Twinkie, Your new apparent B.F.F.

Tanner? He's super nice, actually.

Like not pure evil at all, really.

I mean, maybe we're wrong.

'Shley, this is not god's plan.

I think that means "time-out."

This is part of the polygamists' plot, isn't it?

The pastor always said it's a slippery slope.

First come the gays. Then next thing we know, You people will want multiple sister-wife prom dates.

Well, I'm taking a stand.

Consider this my resignation from the O-M-G club.

I can't be a part of a group Whose leader is in league with sodomites.

What's a sodomite?

I think it's like dust mite, but with sod.


In times of crisis, I turn to Lilo.

I mean, I know he's angry at me, but, like... how could he do this?

Tanner's just doing his best Trying not to get his ass kicked.

I mean, aren't we all?

I'm not letting him off that easy.

This literally could not get any worse.

Actually, it can.

You know how the paper Has its prom-court preview issue coming up?


I got a proof.

Tanner is the undisputed front-runner For prom king this year.

And it's... It's not even close, really.

What offends me more than anything Is the hypocrisy and sexism of it all.

If I were to come out as a lesbian, Would I all of a sudden be a top candidate for prom queen?

I think not.

Congratulations, your Majesty.

This has got to be a joke. Oh, it's no joke.

You're pretty much a lock.

Yeah, you've got all our votes.

And the votes of our various minions and mini-mes.

As for queen, they've got us in a three-way.

Tie, that is. Most kids are undecided.

They're waiting for you to tell them what to think.

Me?! Everyone knows that 'mos Are always way ahead of what's hot and what's so not.

Well, on a completely unrelated topic, I made you a batch of my famous Brigham yum-yum double fudge brownies last night.

'Shley, are you special? Gays don't do carbs.

Yeah, a carb to a 'mo is like sunlight to a vampire.

Carbs make gay people sparkle?

So, I'm thinking maybe we should hang out Just the two of us tonight, sans "C" and 'Shley.

Will they be cool with that?

Those bitches can suck it. I'm so over sharing you.

Psst. Um, psst. Hey.

Soledad. Remember me?

How could I forget?

This is an "a" and gay conversation, So kindly see your next Tuesday out of it.

Um, well, Tanner, I just wanted to let you know That there's a G.S.A. Meeting after school, so I thought...

He doesn't want to join your little fag-hag training club.

That is a highly inflammatory term.

I mean, Soledad, you did out me to the entire school.

Think of all the other gay kids at this school That are still languishing in the closet.

You could be a real role model for them.

That's not my problem.

Hey, so, we heard a vicious rumor That Fawcett's snagged you all to herself after school?

Word travels fast.

Well, if that's how we're gonna play it, I'm calling you after school Friday For one-on-one audition prep.

We're gonna turn the shiz out of "The Wiz."

And Thursday you're all mine.

'Topher and I are gonna cook you din-din.

Fawcett had made her move, but it looked like The other queens weren't going down without a fight.

And then Friday night is Cameron woods' party.

We'll all be there, including 'Shley for some reason.

I'm bringing enough diet, caffeine-free ginger ale for everybody.

Wow. Well, I guess my week's planned out, then.

Mm-hmm. We've so got you booked, bitch. Boom.

Wow. This really works.

Or did you prefer the other one?

I'm really not very good at this.

Tanner, I don't actually think That gays have a heightened sense of fashion.

I'm just asking you to look at two options And choose the one you prefer.

I like the one from before.

Those kind of give you '90s mom ass.

Ah, thank you! That is just the kind Of bitchy gay insight I'm looking for.

So, the bitchier I am, the more you'll like me?

Exactly. But don't push it.

You sure have a lot of stuff.

I know. Don't you love?

I kind of have a thing for labels...

Chanel, Versace, Gay, fiercely fabulous.

That's kind of like your new comic strips.

Books. Whatevs.

I'd much rather say hello to a new handbag Than a friend or boyfriend.

And they're much easier to return.

Is that why you and Hamilton broke up?

Now, he is someone Who doesn't understand the value of a label.

Somehow me being his "girlfriend" meant The whole cheerleading squad suddenly became His own personal hookup harem.


But now I've got you, bitch.

Seriously, though.

I feel like I can be myself around you, you know?

You're not trying to screw me like a guy Or threatened by me like every other girl in school.

I guess that's the appeal of this whole G.B.F. Thing.

Not sure what I get out of it.

Duh... you get to hang out with me.

Okay, um...

I could help you with your chemistry homework.

You're getting a "C," right?


I'm actually kind of brills when it comes to science-y stuff.


Can you keep a secret?

Okay, my hair is only 99.9% flawless.

I mix all of my own hair serums and conditioners in here.

I'll have my own hair-care line one day On, like, QVC or something, finally make it big.

That's when I realized Fawcett was more than just popular.

She was actually kind of cool.

Conversions. This is easy.

I know you and Tanner had a falling out, But you're taking it kind of literally.

Yeah, well, my life is over. So, thanks.

Oh, come on, man. I mean, you still got the two of us.

For about 10 minutes. I never RSVP to a nonstop pity party.

So, I'm bound to eternity in Loserland with you two. Great.

That's a little harsh.

And here I thought we were all doing pretty okay, But I guess we aren't sparkly enough Or have enough synthetic hair extensions for you.

Oh, my god, Sophie. You know what I meant.

No. You know what?

Why don't we take a few days apart, Maybe without a couple losers like us hanging around?

You'll ascend to your proper social station.

Just be careful, though, because we might not be here To bandage you up next time you fall.

Come on, Glenn.


Um, yeah. Take it easy, bro.

Glenn. Come on. We were gonna watch "the voice."

As the wheels seemed to be coming off My old friend group, the next day, I was third-wheeling it, Mormon-style.

Wow. This is a whole lot of meat, 'Shley.

Well, that's what you like, isn't it? Meat.


No carbs. I remembered.

Oh, right. Uh, mmm, meats with... sides of meats.

Um, may I use the restroom?

Whoa! What are you doing?!

Girl-talk time. So, what do you think?

Think about what? 'Topher.

Do you think he's bored with our relationship?

I feel like he's bored.

Um, I don't know.

I'm worried because we don't, you know... so I need some tips. Tips?

You gays are supposed to be experts in man pleasing. So, spill.

Uh... do you think I should give him a B.J.?

A what?! Or an H.J.?

Or how about an R.J.?

Uh... I don't even know What an R.J. Could possibly be.

Ugh. Me neither. I was hoping you would.

Are Mormons even allowed to... What about backdoor?

Oh, my god! Tanner, honey.

Please do not take the lord's name in vain in my house.

I'm sorry. I actually did have to pee.

Could we, uh, talk later?

Fine, but you owe me girl-talk time, mister, okay?

Oh, Tanner, I am so, so sorry.

'Topher just reminded me I have A junior republicans meeting in like 20 minutes.

Do you mind if 'tophie takes you home?

Um, s-sure, I guess.

'Topher, this isn't my house.

I know. I just wanted to talk. Okay.

You know, I've caught you checking me out.

Please don't beat me up! I'm so sorry! It won't happen again!

Whoa, dude. Whew! Relax.

I find it kind of flattering.

So, what do you like most about me, huh?

What's my sexiest quality?

Oh, I get it. You're one of those straight guys Who likes to flirt with gay guys for your own amusement.

No, Tanner, that's actually not... You know what?

Contrary to what you might believe, We homos don't all sit around pining for straight boys, okay?

Some of us like the idea of a guy Actually being turned on by us.

Does this feel straight to you?

Um, it does, actually.

You Mormons are a horny, repressed people!

You have no idea.

Mnh! Wait! This is wrong. You're with 'Shley.

Dude, in two years, I'm gonna go on my mission.

In four years, I'll probably be married With a bunch of redheaded Rugrats running around.

So, why don't you just sit back... relax... and let me get this out of my system?


You okay?

Uh, t-thanks. I'll walk.

So, I have some news for you.

It's pretty Maj. What?

I may have snatched you a prom date.

His name is Christian.

He went to theater camp with me last summer.

He's a tenor, a college boy, and he's British.

Love it?

He sounds great.

I'm just not sure if this whole prom thing is for me.

Okay. You're losing yourself. Come with mama.

Take a look, Tanner.

This is every prom king and queen since 1983.

You notice anything?

Not the most diverse selection.

Huh. All white, all straight, All jocks and pom-pom wranglers.

Tanner, we could be the ones to change all that.

You could be the first openly gay prom king And enjoy a hot date to boot, And I can be the first queen Who's actually deserving of any notoriety.

So, what do you say?

I get you laid. You get me crowned.

You can lose that virginity Before you snatch up that diploma.

Caprice, just because you know another gay guy Doesn't mean I...

Whoa! He's... very attractive.

Those lips.

Mm-hmm. That's what we call some high-speed DSLs.


I'll... think about it. Perf!

I'm gonna invite him to Cameron's tonight So you two can get to know each other.

Crap. I forgot that was tonight.

Oh, relax. It's gonna be "V" low-key.

Everyone can relax.

The people who matter have arrived.

I'm gonna go see if Christian's here.

Ooh. There are Christians here?

Get your gay game face on.

After tonight, you'll have the prom date of your dreams.


So, Caprice reeled you in some Mangina, huh?

Well played. I guess.

I mean, I don't even know if he'll like me.

Sounds like you need some liquid courage.

Follow me.

Oh. Come on.

You call this an ensemble? Get it together, girl.

Do not call me that.

Wh-why? I meant, like, "gurl" with a "u."


Not like you're a... Oh, okay.

Um, so, hey, why don't we dust this off And you take me to the mall and pick me out some eye shadow, Just like the old days, huh?

You're so good with color.

Yeah, I don't think I'm leaving the house Till college, but, thanks.

Oh, "b" boo.

Listen. I get it. I really do.

With what happened with Tanner, I know that you didn't Get to come out to me in the way that you wanted to.

We didn't get to have our extra-special Mother/son lifetime movie moment.

I know that.

You don't want to go out tonight, right?

I got a plan "b"!

Did you know that WebFlix Has an entire gay and lesbian section?

Blew my mind.

Okay, "milk." I got "milk." It's about a gay mayor.

"Boys don't cry"...Now, this is girl that wants to be a boy.

That's a tricky one.

"Brokeback Mountain"... That's the cowboys.

And something called "shortballs"...

Oh, "shortbus." "Shortbus."

So, which one do you want to pop in first, huh?

Probably the cowboys, right? That one's safe.

Someone drank all my ginger ales.

Hey, do you know if there's caffeine/alcohol In a chica loca?

No, 'Shley, of course not.

Chug away.

This was a bad idea.

There is no getting cold feet now.

We have got to rescue Tanner From those gay-snatching fashion Nazis.

Divide and conquer.

Hey, sexy.

Don't think me presumptuous when I say "bottoms up."

Ugh. This tastes like ass.

Mm-hmm. Perfect for you.


Loosen up. I hear that's helpful.

There you go.

Look, don't let Caprice pressure you.

If you're really that nervous, then just blow off Blowing what's his name and come to prom as my arm candy.

It might be kind of cool to, like, Actually go on a date or something.

P.S... This one can has over 600 calories.

I thought carbs were like gay kryptonite or something.

Alcohol is the one exception. Duh.

Now down it, bitch.


Well, it's just freezing cold out there.

Heath! Don't stand on your pride.

Get in the tent with Jake! For crying out loud.

Good. Get in there. Snuggle up.

Snuggle up for warmth. There you go.

Oh. Looks like they're waking back up.

Uh-oh. Here we go. Game on.

You know, I do sense an affection there.

I mean, you really do feel they care about one another.

Oh, my. Well, yeah.

I guess necessity is the mother of invention.

I mean... you know, it's funny. I guess back then They didn't even need to use protection, really, right?

You know, I'm gonna get a drink.

They could have made something out of like a...

Some kind of lamb skin or something, But there probably wasn't time for that.

A few hours and a lot of drinks later, I was getting all the frequently asked questions.

So, with straight guys, there's ass men and tit men, But what's the gay equivalent?

Like, ball men?

When you're getting gay with a guy, How do you decide who's the girl and who's the boy?

Not an expert, but I think you're both the boy.

That's kind of the point.

Just Wiki that shit, freak.

Leave him alone.

Come on, slut. You owe me a dance.

♪ You do your body work ♪

♪ I feel my pulse working overtime ♪ Oh, my god! Sorry.

♪ You do your body work ♪ Oh. Sorry.

Oh, you guys, I found you!


'Shley. Hi.

Hi. Hi.

Hi and bye.

Is it just me, or is she, like, the worst Mormon ever?

It's so not just you. She's cray-cray.

Hey! You! Gaysian boy, come here.

Ew. Get out.

We're having gay-guy/girl gab time.

Seriously? Oh, my god.

There's a bean bag in the other... Let's go.

Sorry about this. I can't wait.

Really sorry. God. Bitch.

So, your friend Tanner won't tell me anything about the J's.

The... The who?

The... The H.J.s and the B.J.s, Pretty much any of the J's.

But I've got an idea.

You are gonna show me how.

And it's not gonna count because you're like supes gay-mosexual.

Uh, yeah, right. Shh!

Just pretend I'm, like, some super-hot guy, Like David Archuleta.

Oh, David Archuleta? David, don't you worry.

I'm gonna teach you all about the H.J.s and the B.J.s And the Jay-Zs and the J.J. Abrams.

No, wait. Hold on.

You're drunk, plus, you're Mormon, Which, like, totally exacerbates the whole being drunk thing.


That's a funny word.


Yeah, anyway, I'm... I'm not even...



Prove it, Gaysian.

Look who I found!

Sorry. Oh, hi.

You must be...

Christian. Hello, Tanner.

Even better in real life, right?

Even better with beer goggles, she means.

Don't touch me.

Damn, you are pretty.

I mean handsome. I mean pretty handsome.

'Sup, bro?

He's usually less special.

Do you maybe want a glass of water or something, mate?

Oh, hi, there. I hate to break up this little... whatever this is, but I need to talk to Tanner.

Tanner can't talk right now, and he and Christian Were about to have a private moment alone.

Caprice, I really think we got off on the wrong foot.

Yo, 'topher, welcome to the casa.

Thank you. Hey, is Tanner here? I mean 'Shley.

Is 'Shley here? She's my girlfriend. Love her.

Yeah. She's in the back.

Okay. Thank you. All right.

Hey, Glenn.

Oh, my god. Ew, 'Shley.

Glenn, you really are straight?

No, no, he's totes not. So it doesn't count. Right?

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Caprice, watch your mouth, please.

I could say the same for you, "whore-mon."

I think I have to barf.

I'll hold your hair.

Hey, "T." Remember me?

I just ripped it off. I just had to because...

Tan-pon, I heard you bulimed cuisine all over a Mormon.

I thought I told you To always drink on an empty stomach.

I'm gonna go.

I'm kind of over being the party's gay mascot And of publicly humiliating myself In front of potential dates.

You want Mindie to drive you?

Don't worry. I'm totally sober.

No, thanks. I'll walk.

Okay. Call me tomorrow. Kisses. Mwah!

Oh, my god, you totally made out with your gay Bestie.


Oh, um...

I... am... drunk.

Me too.

What are you doing in front of my house?

I have no clue.

Since I basically have no friends left, My mom decided to have a queer-movie marathon.

But when we got to heath and Jake grunting in a tent, I started drinking heavily.

You walked all the way over here?


I had this idea that I'd make this grand entrance at the party And make a huge scene, but this is as far as I got.

Oops. Yeah. I see.

It's not fair!

You get to be belle of the ball, And I'm stuck home with mommy dearest.

I'd trade places with you in a second.

Just... Just do me a favor.


When you win prom king, you'll make a big speech About, you know, everything that you've learned, You know, very Lohan.

Not really my style, but... we'll see.

Sorry. Still picturing you Watching "brokeback" with your mom.

It's not funny!

I'm gonna have to emancipate or something.

She's driving me crazy.

She's just being supportive.

Maybe everyone secretly wants a G.B.F., Even moms.

Right now I would just settle for, like, a B.F.

You mean like a best friend or, like, boyfriend?

Either/or... or both.

Wait. What?

Oh, my god, no, no.

Did we...? We didn't, right?

You don't know? Do you?

No, no, no, no, we... We... We came in, And we... We just... We were drunk.

We passed out, I think.

Right. That sounds right. Yeah.

Closet! Now!

Seriously? Oh! Gah!

Honey, what was that?

Nothing. I'm just cleaning up in here.

Yeah, it does smell kind of musky in here.

So, I've got bubbling cinnabons in the microwave And some chocolate milk for you.

Super. I'll be right there.

Come on.

Thanks for that.

I'm sorry. I'm just not ready.

I don't even know what I'm doing here. Ugh, god.

Wait! What?

Could you, uh, just go that way?

So, first you want to put me back in the closet, And now you want me to jump out your window?

Yes. Real nice, Tanner.

I'll make it up to you. I swear.

Yeah, whatever. It's fine. I get it.

♪ I don't wanna be all right ♪

♪ I don't wanna feel just okay ♪

♪ I wanna see everything ♪

♪ I wanna go everywhere ♪

♪ I wanna settle down ♪

♪ Hey, lover ♪ The next Monday, I still couldn't shake my hangover Or what happened between Brent and me.

I mean, what was I thinking?

♪ I don't wanna simplify it ♪ Hey, "T." Amazing news.

Christian's willing to forget about your projectile vomit And general Schwastedness this weekend.

He's still willing to go to the prom with you.

Really? Still? Believe it, bitch.

Apparently, you being the only decent-looking, Age-appropriate gay guy in a 20-mile radius Has given him a convenient case of boner-induced amnesia.

He really thinks I'm decent-looking?


Just one condition...

Lay off the cosmo-tini-ritas on prom night, okay?

That definitely won't be a problem.

Yay! This is gonna be so homo-doralbe!

Come on, Tan-Tut.

Thank you so much.

I'd like to get two tickets to prom.

Oh, okay, then.

Just write down the name of your date here And also her school if she... "He."

Um, excuse me?

He. He. Something funny?

No, "he,"as in "him,"

Pronouns that describe my date, who is a dude.

Yikes. Sorry. To get the couple's special, You need to be a traditional boy/girl pairing.

You want me to fight this bitch, Tanner?

Sorry, but that's just the policy.

Tanner, I just want you to know that I share your outrage.

Now, what are we gonna do about this? "We"?

I just thought you could use the G.S.A.'s help To right this blatant discrimination.

That's why our group exists.

Please come to our meeting after school.

Thanks, "sole-hag," but we can fight out own battles.

This isn't over.

It's just outrageous. I mean, what is this... 2008?

Okay, that's 20. Give me 20 more.

You want to stay a four-pack queer forever? Let's go!

McKenzie has a different take On the whole "love thy neighbor" thing.

Yeah, and apparently you can't get enough Of that neighbor lovin'.

McKenzie price is deceased, socially, at this school.

I've already got the Facebook post composed.

But that defeats the purpose.

I think I'm gonna go To the G.S.A. Meeting after school.

No. Soledad and her little group...

It'll totally downgrade your rep.

Plus, those busted bitches were the ones That dragged you out of the closet.

Remember? You want my advices?

Just buy the stag tickets and get the "F" over it.

Please don't tell me you're seriously considering this.

What have I got to lose? I mean, they outed me, But at least their intentions were kind of noble, I guess.

And let me just say... If you guys really claim to be my friends, You could focus a little less On how much I match your outfit on any given day And show some concern for my freaking equal rights!

♪ A-amazing, a-a-amazing ♪ P.S... Are my arms looking Michelle Obama toned Or Madonna scary?

Hey! Hey! Hey! Have you heard about Tanner?

What? What did... I didn't... What did you hear?

Well, apparently he totally threw down With McKenzie price over prom.

Yeah, he was all like, "I'm gonna take a dude as my date,"

And she was all like, "oh, not on my watch,"

And then he was all like, "oh, yeah, We'll see about that, you c-word-face mofo ho."

Hold that, Wonton. Tanner wants to ask a guy to prom?

Yeah. I have no idea who, though.

Hey, maybe he met someone.

No one I can think of.

Me neither.

See ya.

First order of business, G.S.A.'Ers...

I'd like to introduce our first actually gay member, Tanner Daniels! Whoo!

Welcome, bro dude.

Good to have another member with a member representin'.

Uh, right. Well, I'm just here Because I was trying to buy prom tickets, and...

And he couldn't because of our school's unjust, Totally outdated prom-date policies.

So, what are we gonna do about this?


Yeah. I am joining the G.S.A.

To support my G.B.F. Move.

Sorry. I'm sorry.

Um, Fawcett, thank you, but, um, we're at capacity.

So we don't really...

Soledad, the G.S.A. Is open to anyone who wants to join.

But, Ms. Hoegel, this is my thing, you know?

She has things, lots of things, And she's trying to take my... My, uh... she's... Are you quite done?

So, can we please just... Just one moment, Fawcett.

I've noticed some disturbing trends In this school as of late.

It seems that many of you girls are treating Tanner As more of a prize to be won than an actual person.

Ms. Hoegel, that's ridiculous.

Right, "T"?

Listen, girls. I get the appeal.

Now, I myself had a gay best friend once and...

Oh, we were roommates for many fruitful years.

But now he's no longer with us.


Oh, damn.

What? Where'd he go?

He obvi died of the HIV, dumbass.

Oh, god, no!

He moved to San Diego with a leather queen.

I meant myself and my cat... Anderson coo-purr.

Oh, my god.

We're very happy, Mr. Coo-purr and I.

What are we gonna do about this prom situation?

If you can't take your boy toy to prom, I will lead a school-wide boycott, And if they don't meet my... I mean our... Demands Then I will just host my own cooler alterna-prom.

Fawcett, you'd do that?

I mean, prom's your night. You're a shoe-in for prom queen.

Come on. What's the point of being queen When I don't have a fabulous king to share it with?

You know what, Soledad?

You have done such a great job with this group, But I think it's time that some things Actually changed around this school.

Who's with me? Whoo!

Hey, Tanner, looking good.

Hey. Thanks.

Ugh! W-T-F, "T"?

I secure you a date with the hottest teen homo In the Tri-State area, and that Jizz-bin Still gets your endorsement?

What? But I didn't ever... What?

"Tanner Daniels endorsed Fawcett brooks yesterday

"At the G.S.A. Meeting.

The new power B.F.F.s known as..."

G-Fawce. Cute, isn't it?

You really think another bland blonde like her Deserves the crown, Tanner?

Well, at least she stands up for my... My rights or whatever.

What? Please. This hack-tivist doesn't give A flying fairy about gay rights.

She just did it to gain the advantage with you.

Oh, you mean like what you did with that male-bait, Christian?

Whatever! At least I tried to bribe him with sex.

I treated him like an actual human being And not some asexual, neutered little purse puppy.

Come on, tan. I've had enough Bad-dinner-theater dramatics for one day.

We've got a revolution to plan.

Do not come for my craft, bitch!

Do not come for my bitch, bitch!


Yeah, it sounds great.

Right. Promise. No drinks for me.

See you then, dude.


What's up?

Not much.

You're making quite the stank over prom, Joining the G.S.A., Endorsing your new Bestie.

I didn't endorse anyone. I just... It's not fair.

We should be treated like everyone else.

"We"? I mean, you got to ask me first.

What are you talking about?

You and me. Prom.


Caprice set up this thing with her friend. I just...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Who said anything About us going to prom together?

Just that... No, no, I was saying, Like, if you wanted a friend to go with, But, like, obviously you got that, you know, taken care of, So, you know, I hope your prince charming Gives you everything you want... and also crabs.

I got your Facebook message.

Why are you wearing sunglasses?

Does your vocal coach know you smoke?

Look, we all know you're gayer Than a very special episode of "glee."

I am not!

What's your point?

Well, I need a minion, and you need a diva to worship.

With Tanner and Fawcett heading up this fey prom, That leaves an opportunity For me to be the queen of the real one.

So, how would you like to be my date, maybe even my king?

All right, if you still need convincing, Check out a pic of Tanner's prom date.

He can do better, but I'm in.

Hi, there. Caprice, you said You had something you wanted to talk about?

I do.

Love your cloak.


Support traditional prom-going values.

Buy tickets to the official, school-sanctioned prom.

Attend the prom by students, for all students.

Can I have one, please?

No. Um, sorry.

You're not on our list of approved students.


This being an Indie operation, we've got very limited space, But I'm sure Caprice's old-fashioned loser dance Has plenty of tickets available. Thank you.

Fawcett, what the hell was that?!

Tan, if we want to pull off this whole gay-inclusive-prom thing, We're gonna have to keep it kind of... exclusive.

Look, I didn't make up these rules, But a fugly prom is a failed prom.

So wrong.

You smell great.

Thank you.

I told you. This is crazy.

It's like freaking high-school "game of thrones"

Out here or something.

Sorry, Ellen Jr., But you can't take Your poor man's Portia to this dance.

Try the pro-sodomy prom.

You do know that oral counts as sodomy, right?

So, with the amount of going down that goes down at prom, You might want to rethink the concept. Right, Brent?

By the way, did they change the official prom song To "trapped in the closet" just for you?

Nice try, lies-bian, but I know for a fact That my boo Brent is as straight as they come.

Like Kanye or Diddy or Tyler Perry.


Er. Whatever.

The full word. I said it all.

'tophie, I want to go to cool prom.

Hey, 'Shley, you know Caprice calls you A Ginger-snatch behind your back, right?

She does?

Well, Fawcett said your religion Is just scientology without birth control or famous people.

Well, you know what?

"F" you both.

She'll be fine.

And we'll take two tickets to the 100% totally un-gay prom.

Thank you.

Mm. Cute shorts.

And you.

I hear you and spigot here are denying Certain less-than-favorable people tickets.

Relax, "so-fat."

You and "memoirs of a gay nerd" are allowed to come.

I'm giving you a temporary pass to the cool kids' table.

We wouldn't come if you paid us, Fawcett.

Or should I say "fascist"?

It's your social funeral, sweetie.

I'll start mourning now.

So-fat! I mean, Sophie... Damn it... Wait!

You know what?

You both have become so much more Than these bitches' sexless accessories.

You've become full-blown tools, In every sense of the word.


Tanner. Tanner.

Tanner! Tanner!


What is your deal?

I can't do this anymore! Excuse me?

The last I checked, this was all for you.

Is it?

You know I actually started to believe that you were my friend?

But what is this, really? Am I just some tool to you, A wrench so that you can screw over Caprice and 'Shley?

Wrenches don't screw things. God, you are gay.

But you're right.

Look, at first I just wanted to keep you to myself.

After Hamilton dumped me... Yeah, it's true, he dumped me...

I thought I needed you by my side to win.

But it's different now.

I really like hanging out with you... for real.

Then why create a separate prom?

I mean, you're gonna win queen no matter what.

Don't be so sure.

I took a peek at the polling data.

I rule with the popular kids, But the other 90%, the rest of the school, Just think I'm a soulless bitch.

I mean, they'd rather vote for 'Shley.

At least she's nice.

Caprice... She's got talent.

What have I got?

You have me.


You're more than what people see on the surface, Fawcett, And you're the only one who stood up for me When it really mattered, so let's make a compromise.

You let everyone come to the alterna-prom, And I'll make sure that you get that crown.



Thanks, all of you, for helping to keep our prom gayness-free.

So, I'm thinking, activity-wise, how about a promise-ring booth?

So charming. Love it.

Promise rings for prom. Cute.

I've got a little bit of a different plan, all right?

Listen up, ladies. Tanner and Fawcett are poaching All the cool kids for their little pansy prom.

If we don't act quick, we won't have enough people For a halfway-decent hokey pokey.

What we need to do is start "Prom-oting" prom.

You feel me?

Amazing. Whoo! Yeah!

Hmm. Don't you think this might be a bit over-the-top, Brent?

I'm just fighting flamers with flame.

♪ A la, a la la, would you be kind? ♪

♪ Gimme one little more, and I'll be superfine ♪

♪ A la la, a la la ♪ Hey. Oh, my god!

Relax, dude.

I just wanted to tell you how much I admire your passion.

You're really... organized.

I mean, when I heard about Tanner going to prom With that other dude, I was totally grossed out, too.

Right, bro? I mean, like, two dudes, like...

Ugh! Ugh. Ick. Blah. Yeah.

So, um, do you want to feel how straight I am?

Come again.

Whoa. Is this actually happening, or is this a dream?

Because I just changed my sheets yesterday.

No, it's real, bro. Oh, my god.

Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.

How did you know? I mean, did Tanner tell you?

No, dude, I figured it out myself.

Tanner won't even look at me since I tried to get with him.

Mmm. Mmm. Wait. What am I doing?

No, no way, no.

I cannot have Tanner's rejected sloppy seconds.

I have too much self-respect.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some anti-gay Prom posters to finish.


So close. God damn it!

I am so sorry.

♪ You got me shrunk like a... ♪

"Prom is short for promenade, not prom-n-aids."

No one but Brent could come up with a pun That simultaneously lame and offensive.

I told you... He has officially lost it.

What the shit were you thinking?!

This language is unacceptable!

Principal Crowe, as a devout Mormon, I think the signs are all totally true and appropriate.

Oh, in what universe would "boutonnieres, not butt sex!"

Be appropriate for a prom slogan?

Yeah, and "no tossing salads"?

I got the cafeteria ladies coming in here Asking me if I changed the menu!

I've got news organizations calling me, Not to mention the ACLU.


People are tweeting about this!

We... We weren't thinking.

Well, I'm particularly disappointed In you, Mr. Van Camp.

I expected more of you.

I was thinking about suspending you all.

But instead I'm just gonna cancel prom.

Oh, wait, no! You can't do that!

Wait a minute. That'll turn us into social pariahs.

Yeah, that's not fair. You're not canceling their prom, too.

That prom is out of principal Crowe's jurisdiction, And its organizers haven't been promoting a hate.

Now get out of here before I change my mind about the suspensions.

That was terrific restraint.

Thank you.

Well, Tanner, looks like we've now got the only game in town.

Though, Brent, I have to give you some props.

Those signs were pretty Hilar. Later, later.


Onward, Christian soldiers.

They want to cancel our prom?

Then we will organize a protest Of their deviant dance of debauchery.

She's right, "b."

The whole "me being prom queen" ship has sailed.

But take it from an actress... If we can't be in the spotlight, We can sure make one hell of a scene.

Family values!

Family values! Family...

'tophie, how could you?

Those signs that you made were just so, so mean.

Babe, I was just trying to protect our relationship.

Oh, well, congratulations. You just did the opposite.

We are so done-zo.


How's it going, guys?

Oh, fantastic.

We've devised a genius way to take "tan lines"

Down a few notches.

And knock "fawce-slut" off her horse high.

Okay, so, while you crazy Christians Are outside protesting, Caprice and I will Infiltrate the prom in killer ensembles.

James bond. Hello.

And the moment that Tanner and Fawcett Are crowned king and queen, we douse them with this.

It'll be very Stephen king's "Carrie"

Meets Mariah Carey's "glitter."

Tanner will hate it.

This one time, in, like, the fourth grade, I accidentally, Like spilled glitter on him in arts and crafts.

He didn't talk to me for like a month.

It's like the longest he and I have ever gone without speaking, You know, up until now.

And Fawcett will be picking it Out of her prized Goldilocks for months.

With any luck, she'll have to shave it back like Britney.

Yeah! I love it!

Great scheming, guys.

I'm just so glad we're friends now, Caprice.

I've always wanted an S.B.F.

An S.B.F.?

Sassy black friend. Duh.

As Brent and Caprice plotted, I realized I had my own Unfinished business to take care of.


I-I mean, hey.

I've got something to say.

Tanner, honey, what is it? You need a snack.

No, Shannon, I'm not hungry.

I, um...

I've got something to tell you both, And I don't care if you like it or not.


Honey, what is it?

I, um... so, I'm... I'm not actually going to the prom With Fawcett tomorrow.

I mean, she's driving me, but I've got another date...

A boy.

I like boys.

Well, I mean, not boys, like... Gross.

Men. Men. Like men my own age.

And so did Abraham Lincoln. I read that somewhere.

And he was, like, the best republican ever, So you should probably say something Before I keep saying more things.

Tanner... we know.

Y-You what?

We know.

And it's okay.

Although your claims about Abraham Lincoln I don't think are entirely substantiated.

Tanner, sweetie.

I mean, you haven't been completely consistent In clearing the internet history.

We've seen some stuff.

Word. We have seen some stuff.

I mean, who knew that that even... Oh, my god.

Anyway, so, you're 100%

Completely allergic to the lady parts.

That's fine! Who cares? It's okay.

I- I-I could be Bi.

Yeah, right!

Of course you can.

Okay, well, um... so, good, I guess, then.

I'm... I'm gonna... I'm gonna go.

Tanner, honey, do you need a snack?

You're skinny.

He could be bi.


Oh, prom! Let's do this!

Oh, that's cute.

Oh, that's so prom. Yes.

♪ Oh, ooh-ooh-oh ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-oh, oh ♪ Girl, you look great.

Hey, girl.

I was talking to my son.

Thank you.

♪ Oh ♪ Ready?

Yeah. Let's do this.

♪ Don't you think it's time ♪

♪ For you and me to make some history? ♪

♪ Tell me now what you say ♪ Cheese!

Ah! Aww.

♪ We can take anything ♪ Caprice, I'm impressed.

I mean, you look very convincing.

♪ When times are hard we'll smile and say ♪

♪ We're not afraid of anything ♪

♪ 'Cause we feel young and wild ♪

♪ I believe ♪ Darling, can I just... Just want...

Listen, I just wanted to say that I don't know what, You know, all this is and I don't...

Whatever... Whatever you want to call yourself.

I mean, the bottom line is your mom loves you very much, Like crazy a lot, like to the point Where it's really kind of ridiculous.

It's almost embarrassing. A lot.

So, please just know that, darling.

Thanks. I love you, too.

Oh, gosh, honey. Thank you so much.

Here, I don't want to... I don't want to smudge your makeup. shall surely be put to death!

Prepare ye... for the infidels.

Finally. Where have you been?

And why are you wearing that?

You're bailing on me to go after that latter-day skank.

'Shley dumped 'topher And needs a G.B.F. To escort her to prom.

She still seems to think that I'm gay, Despite our little dry-humping session.

The indignities and humiliations a guy will go through Just for some Mormon ginge-muff.

You really are a flaming heterosexual.


Seriously, Sophe, can you do me a huge favor And cover prom for the gazette?

No. Come on! Please.

You, of all people, know That this insanity needs to be documented.

And, uh, well, I might have my hands full.

I am not paying aqua-valve one cent To get into her sham of a dance.

Comped press passes.

Fine, but I'm only going if there are appetizers.


Don't hug me. Come on.


You're doing it again.


That noise girls make when they see two gay guys together.

Yeah, it's the same annoying sound people make When they see cute animals dressed in human clothes.

Ew, gross. Barf. Is that better?


You're all gonna burn!

Think of your soul you're defiling!

Ever read the bible?!

"Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman!

It is an abomination!"


You're all going to hell!

That's right, bitches.

I'm upstaging you all with double the 'mo.

And this one's imported.

Take my picture! Please, please take my picture!



Funny seeing you here.


We've seen the error of our ways.

We just can't wait to see you both crowned.

You guys really deserve it. Truly.

See, you guys? It all worked out.

We all have our very own G.B.F.

Actually, we're not all G.B.F.'s.

Right... Brent's 100%, grade-"A" hetero.

Sure he is.

♪ I might be drastic, ♪

♪ But I'm more than plastic, I show it off... ♪ Well, hey, there, prom date.


So, is this not the lamest thing ever?

I didn't know we were gonna be Your girlfriend's matching corsages.

I know, right? Sorry about that.

You want to get out of here?

I know a place where we could... get to know each other.

Yeah, that sounds awesome. I just feel like I should Really stay here for Fawcett's sake, you know, 'cause...

Tanner. ...she's like...

Tanner. ...really fragile...

Tanner. ...and... Hmm?

I get it. You're not there yet.

So, if you don't mind, I'm... I'm gonna bounce.




these ways, for this is how the nations I am driving out before you became defiled.


As the land was defiled, I came to punish it, And it has vomited out its inhabitants.

You shall keep my promises... see ya.

What are you doing?

I feel a monster stress zit coming on.

You know when you can feel it coming And there's nothing you can do to stop it?

Let me look.

Okay, well, I do see it.

The good news is it won't surface for a few hours.


But if things run late with posh spice, He might have to learn to love you, zits and all.

Not gonna happen. He bailed.

I guess I spent all this time being a G.B.F.

And never actually learned how to be a real, live gay.

Well, it sounds to me like he doesn't deserve you.

I just miss you guys so much.

I can't believe I ditched you.

I don't know what happened to me.

I just... Just got s-scared.

Not to mention blinded by the flash Of bleached teeth and hair?


Our crowning moment is only minutes away.

Great tunes, great tunes.

Okay, hello there, ladies and gentlemen, And, uh, everything in between.

This is it, babes. This is our moment.

T-Fawce is gonna dominate.

This is it, our moment. T-Fawce is gonna eat it.

We make a good team, "b."

It is my pleasure to announce this year's, Uh, prom king and queen of north gateway's first

"L-G-B-T-Q-A And every other letter you can think of"- Inclusive prom.

So, without further ado...

our trailblazing couple is...


Tanner and Fawcett!


Congratulations. Well deserved.

Let me know when you think they're in position.


We love you, Tanner.

Thank you.

Oh, my goodness. This is such a surprise.

Fawcett, I want to say something.


You're fierce!

This is for you.

Wait. Give him a second.

We love you, T-Fawce!

Look, uh, thanks, everyone, For making me king of this gay prom.

Oh, my god, he's doing it. He's going full Lohan.

I don't want to be king of the gay prom Or be a gay best friend or get gay-married.

I just want to go to prom, Be a friend, and get married, maybe.

You all see me more as an object or a symbol.

I guess I've been guilty of that myself.

I used my friends as shields to hide behind.

I had friends who cared about me, Whether I was gay or whatever.

And I had a best friend who I shared everything with.

And all I want is... I mean, I'd give anything To just be his loyal sidekick again.

Thank you very much.

Well, that's just sweeter than a pug in a sundress.

Oh, no!

Oh, my god.


Brent! Jesus. Are you okay?

Thought you could upstage me With a classic "what I learned" speech?


So, Brent burst out of the closet In an explosion of glitter, just like he always wanted, And I got my best friend back.

Caprice, mission accomplished?

Uh, not yet.

Okay, y'all made your point.

I made mine. Now we all have a choice.

You can stay out here, bored out of your minds And freezing your asses off with this crazy bitch.

Or you can come inside and dance your asses off With this crazy bitch.

I mean, do you really want to go heaven If it's filled with nothing but psychos like her?

That's what I thought.

Let's go.

Suit yourselves! Run toward damnation!

I'll see you all in hell!

I mean, I won't see you 'cause I won't be there, But there's probably, like, a window or something Where people in heaven can look down to people in hell!

And I'll see you through that hell window... thing!

That sucks, man.

♪ It's not just all physical ♪ How about an H.J.?

♪ Drop that beat, bitch ♪

♪ It's hook, man, hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ My name is Heven ♪

♪ My gay best friend, my gay best friend ♪

♪ He's on the go, he's on the go ♪

♪ We hit the club, we hit the club ♪

♪ We drop it low, we drop it low ♪

♪ He always gets, he always gets ♪ So, I went down in history As the first kid in our school to come out, But I definitely wasn't the last because, as it turns out, The closet and high school are kind of the same thing.

They're both something you can't wait to escape But are scared to death of what lies beyond.

They both make you kind of insane, Cause you to take on a secret identity, Or make you confused... or mean... or crazy horny, even.

Sweet Joseph smith, you are sexy.

You too.

You're out, right?

For a face like yours, I'll out myself To the entire Mormon tabernacle choi...

When you're in, every little thing Just seems like the hugest deal, But once you're out, well, You wonder why you ever made such a fuss.

And while things still suck every once in a while, When you finally leave both the closet and high school, Everything just kind of... sucks less.

So, now that you're out...

I am? what about us?



Well, I just... I was... Huh?

What? No, you go first.

I was thinking... mm-hmm.

You know, if we ended up together...

Which we totally would If this were a classic high-school movie.

Right, and, you know, But we don't get to kiss as the credits roll.

Well, we got to, you know, keep going.

Maybe we'd last a few months... right. ...a year.

And then what? Then we go to college And then I cheat on you and it's awkward And I lose you forever.

So, what you're saying is, Instead of satisfying our teenage horniness... instead of risking having you as my B.F., I'd rather keep you forever as my B.F.F.

Go "f" yourself.

♪ But now I've come back again ♪ So, after Brent had made his gayness official, 'Shley and Glenn won cutest couple When he came out as irrefutably straight And she came out as a total rice queen.

But it took us a bit longer to convince Fawcett to come out As a chemistry nerd with a secret nice streak.

Oh, my god!

Sophie won a scholarship to Sarah Lawrence After she published a well-regarded analysis Of the adolescent propensity For self-perpetuated objectification.

And Brent and Caprice were voted most dramatic, Which... Let's face it... Is basically short-hand For "gayest"and "bitchiest."

As for me, I didn't win any senior superlatives.

With all the new outings going on, My sex life... Or lack thereof...

Was once again the least interesting thing about me.

I wasn't an accessory or a sidekick.

I was just me.

And I couldn't have been gayer about it.

And I mean that in the old-timey, happy way, Not the gay way, but...

Yeah, that, too.

♪ I will be waiting for you ♪ Pop dance crap!

Oh, shut up. You know you love that crap.


You have a ladybug in your hair.


Uh-oh. Looks like they're waking back up.

You want to hang out?

Yeah. Should I just...?

Yeah, just have a seat.

Mm. Sits well.

She di... You... You... Ah! Okay, do it again.

You're not wearing underwear, are you?

I think they do care about each other, though.

I mean, that's the nice thing.



You could be like my sister wife.

I like just "gay." He's gay.

Yo, bro. Oh.

Necessity is the mother of invention, right?

Little... spitting.

♪ He's a guy, but he only likes boys ♪ Now give me booty bump, booty bump.

Oh. Oh, boy, that's firm. Not surprised.

I can't wait to go home.

I miss you.


Thank you.


You checking out my bal...

I like the colors.

I really think hipster Goth is coming back.

No, it's not. Let's go.

I just bought these!

What flavors did you make?

Cherry, of course.

Mmm. Black or bing?

You know I like the black ones.

He could be bi.


Yeah, but then we'd have a Spanish-speaking son.

Who the hell wants that?

Bi is confusing. I don't get it.

I'm glad he's gay. Yo no comprendo bi.


How about a pop-tart?

Do you want a pop-tart?

Yes, I would like a pop-tart.

I'm gonna get you a pop-tart. Thank you, love.

♪ Traditional prom ♪

It's always my day.

Wait! Whoa! I wouldn't lift up that high. Okay.

Oh, my Britney.

Is that what they call it these days?

My sunglasses are supposed to be on.

Tweets! People are tweet... Tweeting.

Or how about an arch "J"?

Not "arch." An arch "J"?

I don't know... What's an arch "J"?

"...Can think of"-inclusive prom, so... Sorry!

With that... he can't deal with it. Heath is freaking.

That's sad.

♪ My gay best friend ♪ Are you coming back?

♪ H ♪

♪ E ♪

♪ R ♪

♪ Oh, I'm such a lady ♪

♪ But now I wanna get freaky ♪

♪ I'm feeling naughty, am I crazy? ♪

♪ Oh, I just want to be bad ♪

♪ Pass me my glass ♪

♪ The fangs are out tonight ♪

♪ Who am I gonna bite? ♪

♪ "H"...My hips ♪

♪ "E"...Emotion ♪

♪ "R"...The rhythm ♪

♪ All the parts of her ♪

♪ "H"...My hips ♪

♪ "E"...Emotion ♪

♪ "R"...The rhythm ♪

♪ All the parts of her ♪