Get a Job (2016) Script

You know what my first memory is?

Feeling special.

The first time I pooped, there was applause.

When we scribbled something in crayon, it was a Picasso.

Gold stickers for everyone.

C+ in gym? Perfect attendance? "Hey, here's 100 bucks. "

When we hit a new level on Wave Race, it was like we won the Olympics.

For kids of my generation, strike three meant one thing:

take your base.

Look out, world. Here we come.

Closer, closer, closer. There we go.

Look at that. Aw, you are so cute together.

Adorable. So, Jillian, Will tells us that you are going to start working at Johnson & Johnson.

That's fantastic! Thank you. Yeah, I'm excited to start.

Sales Analyst. It sounds so impressive.

Junior Sales Analyst. But the "Junior" is gonna be gone by Christmas.

Ah. And Will's finally being paid at LA Weekly.

Way to go, you two. I know.

I told you guys, we're a power couple.

Will, there's a little something to get you started.


Thanks, Dad. Thanks, Mom.

Will, did I ever tell you what my first job was?

Was it, by any chance, stacking crates of tomatoes in a warehouse, Dad?


Must have been 100 degrees in that warehouse.

You know what got me through? I'm gonna go with air conditioning.

Air conditioning.

There was one office that was air conditioned.

High above the floor.

It was for the warehouse supervisor.

And I told myself right then and there, "I don't know how I'm gonna do it, but I'm going to get to that office."

Didn't that guy have a heart attack, Dad?

It was an aneurysm. The point is, I worked my way up until I was in charge of the entire North American supply chain.

I am proof there's nothing you can't achieve.

Exactly, and that's why I'm saying this LA Weekly thing is really just a springboard for me.

'Cause, I mean, I'm gonna dominate their Web edition.

I've got videos, live blogging, interactive content.

I'm building my brand. Brand?

You spent the money on a TV? Yeah.

That's one of the largest televisions available on the market today.

Seventy inches. What?

You want to know why we're not living together?

Exhibit A. Boo!

Hey, J. La. Was that your sister at graduation?

No. Are you sure?


I saw her, like, hugging your parents and giving your dad a little...

I mean, can I get her phone number?

Is this the iStalkU? It's the iSearchU.

If you could just mind your business. What is iStalkU?

The iSearchU?

It's just an app that I'm developing.

Say there's a person that you want to find, but they don't want to be found.

Like, there's this girl, and you've called her a million times, and she just won't return your messages.

My app allows you to send them a text message and, whoo!

Receive back their exact location.

So there's nowhere to hide, Jillian's sister. Nowhere.

No, you cannot have her number.

I'll find your sister.

You're gonna end up in iJail getting iRaped.

And I'm gonna handle the iStock IPO!

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

You don't even have a job. I got a business degree.

Unlike Broke Nuts over here, I have marketable skills.

Unlike you, Broke Nuts has a job.

I have nine interviews this week.

Today, it's Morgan Stanley...

And Great Pacific.

I love you all. Get your lives together.

Good luck, dude. Good luck.

Uh, excuse me, ma'am. Would you like to be my guest?

Hi, have we met? I'm Jillian.

God. Boo! Stop booing me, Charlie.

Just one time. Just smoke with me.

Make an exception. We're celebrating.

Charlie got a job today. McDonald's or Taco Bell?

Middle school chemistry teacher.


I weep for our future.

Fuck me in the ass! Fuck me!

Hey, Brian.

Hey, Will. Looking good, buddy.

We don't have a job for you.

What do you mean? I mean, we don't have a job for you.

We've downsized.

Yeah, but I'm perfect for this job.

I'm sorry, Will. Thank you very much.

Look, Brian, I got three Webisodes all ready to upload...

"Where to Find the Best Beef Machaca," "How to Bike the LA River," and "Why Ultimate Frisbee is More Complex Than Chess."

You're not alone. I had to let eight people go last week.

Why didn't you tell me?

Honestly, with everything going on around here, I just...

I forgot. Good.

You forgot? I spent two summers interning here for free so that I could have a job waiting for me after graduation, and you forgot.

Look, I've already told everybody about this job.

I told my friends and my family and my parents about this job, and you forgot!

Well, guess what, Brian? You can't do this kind of shit, man!

I deserve to be treated a little better than this.

And I think you owe me a little more than "I forgot."



I don't owe you shit.

"Systems administrator"? No.

"Nuclear pipe technician"?

No, you haven't laid that much pipe, so...

I've laid a lot of pipe, Charles. Ask your mother.

Sick burn.

"Unemployment benefits administrator." Yeah, dude, that one.

That'd be ironic.

It's not ironic if it's all the time.

You know what's all the time? Ball taps and kills.

Dude, don't play dirty, man. Don't play dirty.

Oh, shit.

Dude, I honestly have no idea what any of this shit means.

Well, you better figure it out soon. The rent is due Friday.

I know. I just need something to keep the lights on until I find my dream job.

I don't think you can monetize masturbation.

It was too good.

Oh, here's something in the hospitality industry.

You don't have any sort of medical degree.

Okay, there's a gun in the drawer, but you probably won't need it.

All right. Good night, kid.

There are Negroes on this boat!

I'm sorry to hear that.

You the new guy?

Uh, yeah, I am new. Skeezy D.


Three rooms. Keep the change.

Girl, you better treat this man right.

He was in Vietnam.


Get in there and bust a nut, Hawkeye Pierce!

Hell, Cheryl's one of my best girls.

Hard worker? That pussy comes correct.

Where'd you meet her? Met her at my last gig.

Which... where was that? Borders.


Borders... Borders bookstore?

Listen, man, shit went sideways, okay?

Everybody was out of work. I had to get out of there real quick.

So, why "Skeezy D"?

Men who hire prostitutes aren't paying them for sex, Will.

They're paying for danger.

They're paying to feel alive.

Hey, motherfucker, you better pay my bitch what you owe.

They're paying for a certain joie de vivre.

Joie de vivre?

That's French.

I'm not resisting arrest. Okay, I'm not resisting arrest.

Okay, I'm not resisting arrest. I'm not.

I'm not. I'm not.

Hey, bitch, we had a deal!

You were renting out rooms to hookers?

Skeezy said they're here every... No, no.

That's not the kind of establishment I'm running here.

Read the sign there, kid. It says "No prostitution."

That clearly includes hookers.

You're fired.

I'm sorry, Officer. I just got to be a little more careful about who I hire.

You do that. Yeah. Will do. Will do.

Thanks for everything you do, Officer.

Sorry, kid.

Shit rolls downhill. You know what I'm saying?

You get it. You get it. You'll be all right.

Son of a bitch!

Hey, Dad? Hmm?

I gotta ask you for money.

Will, you're a grown-up now.

I'm not gonna give you any more money.

Dad, what am I supposed to do? You want me to go sell my body on the street?

Enough of the life lessons here, man. I am broke.

I literally have no money for anything.

I lost my job.

Are you serious?

Afraid so.

Well, what happened?

Apparently, I was so successful at streamlining the beverage supply chain that I made my own job obsolete. Hmm.

So, what are you gonna do?

I'm going to get a job!

I'm gonna follow my ABC's, stay positive, and in the interim, look!

I can tackle all the chores I never had time for.

You guys gotta get your lives together.

Top 1%, here I come, baby!

Hey, this guy got a job.

It's called Top Deck Securities. I start clerking next month.

If I kick ass, I'll be making trades by December.

From this point on, it's gonna be coffee and cocaine for me, baby.

Whoo! Do you take change for dollars?

No, no. Keep it. You worked hard.

You've got an incredible amount of torque.

You deserve so much more money than this, but I'm on a teacher's salary.



If you want to see the show, you gotta pay for it.

No, I'm just here for the free buffet.

The buffet is free 'cause you're supposed to be spending money on me.

I guess I found a loophole.

Your friend's got an attitude. He's out of work.

So buy him a lap dance to cheer him up.


Yeah. I'd like to get to know you sometime.

Don't get her pregnant. Oh, hey, look.

I have a girlfriend. Yo, Will!

So, you're looking for a job? Yeah.

What would you do if you won the lottery and never had to work again?

I don't know. What's your passion?

What do you love to do?

I like to make funny YouTube videos.

Oh, if you like making YouTube videos, why aren't you looking for corporate video work?

Corporate? Yeah, I don't do corporate.

Listen, babe.

When you're first starting out, you gotta stay flexible.

Do you know what we do here, Hamilton? Trade stocks.

Wrong. We make money.

This is Hamilton. He is clerking for us.

I had to shit-can that other douchebag because, well, I couldn't stand looking at his face anymore.

Put all your orders in through him. Wait, I get to put in orders?

More than you can imagine. Hell, yeah.

Go across the street, get me three triple espressos.

Put three sugars in each one. None of that Splenda shit.

I want the real thing. Go to Fatburger.

Get me 12 double XLs with extra cheese, 12 chili-cheese fat fries, nine milk shakes.

Hey, go to 7-Eleven. Pick me up 25 Black Cherry lottery tickets.

Fifteen grand top prize. You scratch them off.

Start from the bottom. Odd numbers first.

Go! Go, go, go... Still here? Still here?

And I better fucking win!

What are you doing?

I need a sexy video of you. Yeah, I don't think so.

I made an appointment to donate sperm. What?

Your best idea for making rent is masturbating into a cup?

I'm an accomplished masturbator.

Will, I don't know what's going on with you.

At school, you always had a million different things going on.

Your energy was contagious. It's what I loved about you.

And right now, it feels like you're just flailing around, making it up as you go.

I saw a job counselor last week.

Really? A job counselor?

And she was all over me about forming a strategy, and just really...

She rode me to stay flexible, and so we decided to focus on corporate video work.

I sent out my résumé. I should start interviewing next week.

Come here.

Do you remember Ultimate Frisbee? Not the districts, the regionals.

I made that 50-yard huck to Sullivan. It was an awesome pass.

I don't know what we're talking about. What I'm saying is, don't worry.

I'm at my best when my back is against the wall.

This isn't college, Will.

Please, I need you to step up.

Thirty years, one company. Wow!

An employer sees this, and they see a dinosaur.

Well, I can't say that I agree with you there, Fernando.

Fernando. Fernando. It's Fernando?

You should do whatever you can to look younger.

For starters, lose the beard.

An image consult is included with the Platinum Package.

We'll give you a workstation, some place to go every morning.

And we will produce a video résumé that will set you above the rabble.

But all of that is just preparation for the main event.

Wilheimer has an 85% placement rate, Mr. Davis.

Wow! How do you think we make that number?

Well, I... That's a rhetorical question.

While everyone else is out there wasting their time, meeting mid-level H R hacks, Wilheimer will be putting you in front of the person who can pull the trigger and actually hire you.

The decision maker? The decision maker.

That's right. Well... I like it.

Bottom line, how much are we talking here?

Oh, the Platinum Package is a one-time fee of $30,000.

No, seriously, how much are we talking?

Hey, there!

Tough day? What?


No, no, no.

A tough day is just an unrealized great day.

Well, then, I'm gonna hook you up with some Rockin' Moroccan.

It's like legal hash. Oh.

I'm Cammy. What's your name?

Roger. Roger that.

Oh, to go, please.


Oh, hey, honey. How are you?

I'm at the office.

Oh, that music? Yeah, well, I...

That's, uh...

You know Jerry. He's just trying to jazz up his...

I should get back to that meeting, honey.

I'll see you in a few hours, okay?

I love you too. Bye.


That was my wife.

Well, look, we have free Wi-Fi and three-prong outlets out the wazoo.


And, uh... don't worry, Rog.

No one here has a job.

Thank you.

You children may begin.

Now, the goal of this experiment is to create an even coating, no excess charring, and no cold spots.

I mean it, Dayjon.

And remember, don't stare in the flame for too long, because it will... steal your soul.

Let me see that. Yeah.


That is close to perfection.

Mr. Baxter? Stop calling me that!

It's Charlie, okay?

Okay, Charlie.

Why do all of our experiments involve making food?

I get the munchies after free period.

Any more questions, Sergeant Buzzkill? No.

Mr. Baxter? It's Charlie!

My sixth grade basketball coach just quit.

You interested in the position?

I'm sorry, do I look like someone with free time on his hands?

It's an extra $100 a week.

They will prosper under my tutelage.

Tanya Sellers, Human Resources.

Sorry it took me so long to get back to you.

We received close to 1,000 résumés for the videographer position.

I was just glad that you called. Oh.

Katherine Dunn oversees our video services, but she's in China on a leadership conference, so you get a nonstop flight to the decision maker himself, Lawrence Wilheimer.

He's a legend in executive placement. He revolutionized the game.

Make sure you check out his package. His retirement package?

His package-package. He's hung like a fucking minotaur.


William Davis. Yes, sir.

"Vast experience in all aspects of video production."

Could you elaborate on that?

Well, sir, for the past seven years, I've been producing original video content for YouTube.

YouTube? Yes, sir.

I think YouTube is the perfect training ground for producing video résumés that really stand out from the crowd.

And clients of Southern California's premiere executive placement firm deserve those kind of résumés.

Ones that grab the employer's attention, don't let go.

Even if they say "uncle."

So, hire William Davis, and your clients will...

Hire William Davis, and your clients will rise above the rest of the...

I'm so sorry about that. Uh, hire William Davis, and your clients will rise above and...

That's what you want, right?

My girlfriend and I are having a fight. Do you mind if I...

What could be more important?

Thank you, sir. That's what I'm saying.

And send.

So, where were we?

I was showing you the door, Mr. Davis.

That's it over there.

Okay. Uh... thank you.

Uh, look, sir... I mean, I don't think...

I don't know if this is the exact subject matter that you're looking for, but I think that this really showcases my abilities to recognize what's unique about an individual and how to foreground that for the marketplace.

What is your business philosophy?

It is all about customer satisfaction.

We are basically the Burlington Coat Factory of bitches.

I got bitches on layaway, you know what I'm saying?

For $599, you can mark down a bitch.

All right, hey, just, you know, be careful with it, man.

I really don't like these guys.

Watch your fingerprints. Are you serious?

That's a big-boy TV. Come on, man.

Use an HDMI cord. Don't use... Thanks, bro.

Take care of my TV, bro.

Yeah, this is Will. - Will, Tanya, from Wilheimer.

Are you calling about my interview? - Sure am.

Mr. Wilheimer pressing charges? - You're in, player!

What? - You're in.

Starting salary is $26, 000, partial health benefits kick in after 90 days.

Wait, are you saying that I have a job?

- That's what I'm saying. Oh, yo! Wait, wait, wait!

Hello, you got good news.

Tell Will he gets the job as soon as he passes a drug test.

Drug test? Is it multiple choice?

Will. Hey, what's up, Dad?

What's going on?

I got a job.


That's great! I know.

It's at this place called Wilheimer. They do job placement.

Oh, yeah. I've heard good things.

I just need one thing... and I'm good to go.

You're smoking pot? I'm an occasional user!

I never smoke and drive!

And you want me to urinate into this bottle so that you can pass a drug test?

Goddamn it!

Dad, look, there's no one else I can ask.

I'm hanging by a thread with Jillian, plus they might be able to screen for gender.

Ethan is tainted, Luke is unclean, and Charlie's radioactive.

What am I supposed to do?

Get new friends!

I have a job.

I've a real job for a real company.

The kind of job that you've been bugging me to get for years.

And if I don't produce an immaculate cup of urine...

Shh! It's back to the unemployment line.

Is that what you want? No, it's not what I want.

You know that. I just don't feel comfortable doing this.


Air conditioning, so...

No. It was 100 degrees in that warehouse, and you did whatever it took to get off the floor.

And that's what I'm doing. That's what I'm doing.

I'm doing what you told me.

What happened to you?

Hey, I just pulled a hammy.

Pounding box? What?

Pounding box? Putting it in that pussy.

Giving it to her. Yeah.

No, I was hitting the gym.

Hitting those weights. All right.

Ready to make it rain? Ready as I'll ever be.

What are you doing?

I'm required to be in here, in case you try some monkey business.

Okay. Are you gonna come in the stall with me too?

No stall, baby doll. You gotta rock out with that cock out.

I'll just be right behind here, listening close.

Okay, I kind of have a shy bladder.

Oh, that's too bad, because you have 30 seconds.

Starting now!

If you're having trouble, just think of waterfalls!

Or, like, fire hoses just blasting water out.

22, 21...

Think of, like, things gushing!

Or, like, squirting.

18, 17...

You know, I'm a squirter, but only if I'm, like, comfortable with a person.

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five...

All right, that's enough! I'm coming in!


Got it!

Hi-ho, Silver. Brrr!

Oh! Wow!


Oh, my God. Oh, shit. Whew!

Man, I should get a job more often.

Fuck, yeah! Fuck, yeah! That was awesome.

I have something else for you.

Back door? Ha!

Yeah, I'll go get my strap-on. Okay.

You love it!

What is this?

Oh. Can I see it?

Yeah, yeah. Of course.

Oh, baby.

My unique skill set allows me to seamlessly integrate into a range of management structures, which makes me highly employable in today's marketplace.

Uh, mainly I've found that dealing with people is my best skill.

Um, I have a lot of charisma.

An ordinary man takes everything as a blessing or a curse.

A warrior takes it as a challenge.

Um... who are you?

Exciting stuff.

Yeah, it's riveting.

Just follow the boilerplate, and you'll be fine.

Clients choose from three backgrounds. Skyline.

There's also Corner Office and Bookshelf.

Corner Office and Bookshelf. Got it.

I made a video in here once.

And I'm not the only one.

Okay, thank you. Thank you.

Oh, Mr. Wilheimer, I wanted to thank you for this opportunity.

Oh, well, always on the lookout for fresh talent, Will.

Just one thing.

Could you put me in touch with that fellow from your video?

The... mm.

Yes, sir. In six months to a year.

Depending on good behavior.

What the fuck? What the fuck!

How is it possible to be this bad?



Kwan, let's review the basics.

Give and go! Ow!

Jesus Christ.

Big Stuff, anyone ever show you how to set a pick?


Get ready to bring some pain.


Come here!

This is deer scent.

I use it out in the wild when I hunt.

I use it in here, when I think a clerk is ready for his very own desk.

Drink it.

Hold it!

I'm gonna go ahead and let him make up his own mind.

Do you want your own desk?

Or do you want to be a fucking clerk the rest of your life?

Your call.

Two-to-one he drinks the deer cum.

Deer cum?

Drink it. Drink the deer cum.

Deer cum.

Deer cum! Deer cum! Deer cum!

Uh-oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. I think it's coming back up.

500 bucks says he gonna hurl.


You like that nutty taste in your mouth?

Oh, that's Bambi batter.

Give it to me.

Roll it around.



Did you see the arc on that?

You're my bitch.

Hey, guys, you're gonna want to pause the game for this.

Ethan, what are you doing, man? Come on, man!

It's a game of Halo! Relax, I've got something to show you.

Wait! Come on, move.

Bong, bong, bong, bong This better be good.

Bong, bong, bong, bong Whoa! ♪ Bong, bong, bong, bong Oh, my God!

Dude, I found some extra tubing in my chem class.

I put my little boys and girls to work.

Nice! What's the special occasion?

Yeah, we're celebrating me getting a desk.

Oh, that's right. And me buying an island.

You're not buying an island. No?

Because I met someone who knows Warren Buffett's bridge partner.

I'm gonna offer him some stock from my company in exchange for Warren Buffett's cell phone number.

I'm gonna iSearchU Warren Buffett, pitch him my app, gain access to billions of dollars in venture capital, buy my island, and populate it with porn stars.

I'm sorry I doubted you.

No, you didn't know the plan. I didn't know the plan.

Rick. What's up, man?

Oh, Will, this is Katherine Dunn, Vice President of our Client Services.

It's good to have you back. Get ready to have your mind blown.

Because I'm taking video résumés to the next level.

Okay? Ready for this?

People think accountants are a bunch of number-crunching nerds, but I'm a jazz buff.

I like to think of the tax code as my instrument.

I'm Tom Wilson, at tomwilsonaccountant. com.

That was quite impactful.

So, what do we think?

I think it makes him seem youthful.

Yeah, until now, I always thought of Tom as a total dud.

This is an executive placement firm, Mr. Davis, not MTV.

Yeah, nobody's going to hire this guy because of his personality.

Yeah, he needs to look professional.

Everyone's always loved the old résumés, so...

You seem to have mistaken this video as an opportunity to express yourself, Mr. Davis.

From now on, you will follow the guidebook to the letter.

Yeah, I found the guidebook to be kind of limiting.

I wrote the guidebook, Mr. Davis.

And while I have you here, there are some issues of comportment that apparently need clarification.

You will maintain a professional appearance.

That means a suit and a tie.

It does not mean sneakers.

It does not mean khakis.

It does not mean that unwashed rag you call a T-shirt.

Got it.

"Got it"?


And while I was away, I was a recipient of several of your reply-all e-mails.

They were inappropriate, offensive, and most of all, not funny.

Nobody wants a birthday spanking from you, Mr. Davis.

And finally, I took a look at your Facebook page and was confronted with this sordid image.

I was there for the buffet.

You are an employee of this company, Mr. Davis.

Your behavior must conform to the exacting standards of the Wilheimer Executive Placement Firm.

Is that understood? Understood.

Understood? Understood.

Hi, Pearl. Roger Davis.

Is Mr. Gentry in?

He's not? Okay.

Do you know if he's had a chance to look at my résumé yet?

Regional Distribution Manager, Scanner and Disk Duplicator Division?

No. Okay. Um...

Do you know if he received the package of Rockin' Moroccan coffee that...

Oh, hello? Okay, why don't you hang up first?

Hey! Hey.

Hi, buddy!

Come on into my office here.

Cammy, come on over.

This is Will. Will, this is my friend, Cammy.

Hey, Will. How's the job working out?

Uh, it's good. Good.

Dad, what did you do to your beard?

Well, I lost two jobs in a week to people in their 30s.

So Cammy volunteered to make me look ten years younger.

Gothic Raven. What do you think? Hmm?


Cammy, are you helping him out with his Twitter feed, too?

Oh, Rog doesn't need any help.

Yeah? I think Rog needs a little bit of help.

"My friend Jim lost his mother yesterday. LOL, Jim."

What? "Lots of love."

It's okay. You want another one, Rog?

Keep them coming. Oh, one for Will, too, please.

Oh, yeah. I'm okay, whoever you are.

So, what's up?

Well, my supervisor's back from leave, and she is a total ballbuster.

I mean, she was on my ass about my e-mails, and my Facebook page, and how I dress in front of everybody.

It was humiliating.

Wait, this isn't how you dress at work, is it?

Dad, I'm the video guy. Who cares what I look like?

Look, just stop, okay? Stop for a second.

Your clients pay $30,000 for your services.

They care what you look like.

You need to conform to their standards, not the other way around.

And the fact that you can't grasp that is mind-boggling!

What is up with you?

What is up with me is, I've sent out hundreds of résumés, and I've gotten only three interviews.

What is up with me is, I don't want to hear you bitch and moan that your employer makes you act in a professional manner.

That is what's up with me.

Okay, Dad, well, look, I'm sorry for telling you how I feel.

I didn't know just because I have a job and you don't that you wouldn't listen to me.

Oh, I'm listening, all right, but all I hear is a spoiled little brat!


You look like Billy Mays.

I look like Willie Mays? You look like Billy Mays!

Who's Billy Mays?

If you're gonna tell someone off, make it clear!

What do you think?

Hot. Very, very hot.

They're Prada.

They were $779.

I know. I just...

I just want them to take me seriously at work.

Everybody takes you seriously.

They do? Yes, they do.

Sophomore year.

We're running Ultimate Frisbee drills down in the lounge.

Ethan comes in and says that there's a situation that I need to handle downstairs. Mm.

So, I go downstairs, and I see this tiny little person in pajamas and slippers, and she is so, so angry.

Um, I was trying to study.

The moment that I saw you, I knew that you were someone to take seriously.

What are you gonna do about work, Will?

Have a nice day, boys!

Hey! Ooh, it's coming down.

Look at you. Yeah, right?

Look at you.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, looks good. Well... Thanks.

So, is anything good here? Oh, everything's good here.

Really? Yeah.

Can I get two pork and bean burritos, four beef machacas, and two beers?

Hey, what are you doing? I'm paying for our...

No, you're not. Tonight's on me.


Mm. Oh, man.

This is my first machaca. It's great.

Hey, Dad. Mm-hm.

I'm sorry about last week.

Yeah, me too.

Could we get some beer, please? Two tequila shots.

Let's get hammered.


Drink up.

Fuck. Yeah, it's all right. See?

All right, Dad. You know why we're doing this?

Why? We're doing this so that what's-his-name...

Your... Oh, my guy?

James Gentry. The decision maker.

Right. So James Gentry can find out who you are.

Yeah. Who am I?

You're a great man.

You supported me my whole life, Dad. Let me repay the favor, please.


Okay. Ready? Okay.

Do this again, that makes me know. Yeah, okay.

Let's press record.

Go. My name is Roger Davis.

I'm very punctual, and faithful...

Oh, God! I'm so terrible at this.


I need to do something productive.

Something worthwhile.

Really all it's about.

Do you know, work has always been more important to me than anyone else I know?

It just has. I love it. I love it.

I just need to get into the employer and see them.

Do you know? One-on-one.

And if they can just somehow get to know me, just even a little bit, then they would know why they should hire me.

That is the goal. That's the goal.

So, anyway, I'm sorry. I'm blabbering on.

All right, we need to do this.

All right. No, we're good.

No, I'll try it, I'll try it.

Dad, another time.

All right.

If I drink anymore of this, this is not going to go well.

Well, we got six more to go. Whoa!


You did that on purpose, didn't you? Whoo!

Absolutely! You did!

You did, too.

Good afternoon, Mr. Buffett. Oh, jeez!

I am sure you're wondering how I knew that you were in town.

Because you read it in the LA Times?

Damn it!

Actually, through the use of GPS triangulation, my app, the iSearchU, allowed me to send you a text message and receive back your exact location, right down to this stall. It's incredible!

You know Foursquare does that already, right?

No, no, no. You don't get it.

Foursquare lets you tell other people where you are.

My app tells me where you are even if you don't want me to know.

It's a game changer, sir, okay?

I'm telling you, if you say yes right now, I can promise you 50-50 in my company.


You drive a hard bargain, sir.

65-35, last offer.

You know... I like it.

You do?

Let me text my people.

Oh, my God! I knew that you would like it.

You're the Oracle of Omaha. You are a visionary like me, sir.

This is incredible.

What the fuck is this?

What the fuck? Hey!

Oh! Hey!

Who has security guards when they take shits?

What the fuck is wrong with you, Buffett?

You can't hide from the iStalkU!


Double-shot white chocolate mocha with extra cream.

Where are we on the Fredericks video?

On schedule for tomorrow afternoon. Hmm.

I was hoping for some personal time tomorrow afternoon.

Say no more.

I will stay late tonight and get it to you first thing in the morning.

Uh... Will? Mm-hmm?

There are going to be some changes around here.

Changes? Mm-hm.

I'm taking Wilheimer into the 21st century.

There will be a new position created, Vice President of Corporate Communications.

You keep up the good work, that Vice President is you.

Hey, Fernando. Fernando.

Sorry? Fernando.

Fernando, right. Tanya said that I should talk to you.

About what?

I have some extra work that I'm doing tonight, and I just need a little help.

You want me to do your work for you? No, no, no.

What I'm saying is that she said that I should talk to you.

About, you know...

I have ADD.

You know there's two Fernandos in this office?

Fernando Little, Director of Client Services, Division Sales Leader, three years running.

And Fernando, the janitor.

Mi madre, she's a psychiatrist.

So, I can hook you up with whatever you need.

Those are drugs.

Saw you last night.

With tu papa.

You're not gonna tell anyone, are you?

Wasn't close to mi papa.

Your words...

They moved me.

I will take it to the grave.

Now, someone with extra work... may I recommend... Dexedrine?

Sexy Dexy.

He's an attorney. And I worked at his legal practice, as an intern...

Mainly I found that dealing with people was my best skill.

So, he would have me deliver...

We started out delivering packages...

And then ultimately...

I have a lot of charisma.

My unique... I can be...

...makes me highly...

...highly employable in today's marketplace.

I'm Lawrence Wilheimer and I'm old!

And I don't understand technology because I'm so old.

So I have Will clear my browser history every day!

Oh, my God!

- Who's the decision maker? You are.

- You... You're... You are... That's good.

Will Davis. Dude!

- You're viral! What?

Your Skeezy video has over 114,000 hits on YouTube!

YouTube? Yeah, YouTube.

YouTube? YouTube?

It's fucking YouTube. Am I saying this wrong?

Yeah, that's YouTube. That's YouTube, right?

Yeah, that's... Yeah, let him know.

It's YouTube, Will!

Well, I structured my business around the same eco-friendly model as Ben and Jerry's.

You know what I'm sayin'?

Bitches going to go for the pimp with best work environment.

That's why we got free STD testing, free condoms...

I'm viral! Yes! Oh... oh, shit!

And even a dental plan.

You can't be having no toothless bitches!

How much you know about us as a company, Will?

Uh, absolutely nothing.

Join the club, brother. We will fix that.

Sweat Body Spray? Yeah.

When kids put that on, I want them to know they're sending a message.

Guess what the message is? "I'm cool."

No, the message is, "I'm down to fuck."

Oh! Okay. Or be fucked.

Uh, hey, Lon. I still don't know why I'm here exactly.

Why you're here? I'll tell you why you're here.

You're here because I want you to head up our Internet and viral marketing.

You're offering me a job?

I saw the Skeezy D video, and it blew my fucking mind inside out!

I'm up all night. I can't sleep because I'm watching this video over and over and over again, screaming at the TV, "Just tell me what you want me to buy!"

Yeah. Ooh, spank that monkey.

Spank, spank that monkey, yeah.

That's my niece.

All right, so what kind of salary are we talking?

Mm, okay. I can offer you 22.

Ooh, that's not a lot.


We're marketing to kids that were doing triple irony in kindergarten.

And you...

You are so fucking ironic, you've gone all the way around the track, back to authentic.

You're irontic, man. You're irontic!


Ding-dong! Going down. What are you doing?

Will, if you told me to take our entire marketing budget and blow it on a billboard with nothing but pictures of fat, veiny cocks, I'd do it!

I'll do whatever you say!

Tell me what to do, man. Tell me what to do!

Guess who's awesome?

I am. Will is awesome. I did it.

I stepped up, babe. I did exactly...

There you are. I did exactly what you told me to do.

I stepped up big time. And I got great news for us.

I got fired. What?

I got fired today.

They called me in to Human Resources, and I thought I was getting promoted. That's how stupid I am.

You're not stupid.

Yeah, I am.

I'm V90,000 in debt.

And I spent $779 on a pair of shoes!

It's going to be okay.

No, it's not. How is this going to be okay?

Because you're gonna... You're gonna get another job.

I'm sorry, Will...

What are you... What are we celebrating?

Katherine is gonna put me up for a promotion.

That's great! That's great.

At least one of us has a career, right?

Come here.

That's great.

What am I going to do for rent?

Hey, roomie!

FYI, we leave porn laying around, so just, like, embrace it.

The week started out bad.

My severance ran out. The mortgage was due.

I pillaged my 401 (k). I was spiraling.

And then on Tuesday, I finally get an interview with Xerox.

And I went in there and I killed.

I mean, it was the kind of interview that you dream about.

And it was so good, that I remember tearing up in the elevator.

And I knew... I knew they were gonna send me on to Gentry.

I knew I was finally going to meet the decision maker.

And ever since then, nothing.


I just need the bathroom key.



How do I get to James Gentry?

I've e-mailed, I've texted, I've twittered.

I've called his home. I spoke to his wife.

You called his house?

Well, the conversation was brief.

It was dinner time. She had company.

But I think I made an impression!

Maybe you should focus on more than one job listing.

I'm so perfect for this job!

I just have to get myself in front of the guy who can actually pull the trigger and hire me!

It is ABC time!

One way or another, I've got to get to the decision maker.

Yes. Whoa!

James Gentry, prepare to meet Roger Davis.


Hey, man. Listen to my dad's latest tweet.

"It ends today.

"ABC, equal sign, Annihilation Brings Closure.

"Roger Davis, symbol for greater than James Gentry."

What the hell does that mean?

I don't know, man, but it sounds ominous.

Yeah, it definitely doesn't sound good.

Yeah, this is bad. Look, Luke, we gotta go find my dad.

All right, here I come.

Yeah, it's Fifth and Spring, right off the 101, big gray building.

Excuse me, sir. Hmm?

Check in with the front desk, please.

Oh, right, right.

All right. I'll take care of that this afternoon.

All right. All right, bye-bye.

Good afternoon.

Roger Davis here to see James Gentry.

You could sign in.

Uh, sir?

I'm going to need you to exit the building.


Or... how about this?

How about I'm not going anywhere until after I see the decision maker.


Mr. Wilheimer. Ah, yeah.

Look, family emergency. I need to leave early.

We're starting the Fredericks meeting.

Okay. Well, how important is it that I'm there?

How important is keeping your job?

Katherine, I'm sorry. My dad needs me.

Nearest exit, everybody!

Go, mi amigo.

Wait, did you pull that for me? Shh.

Go to tu papa.

Hurry up! He's at Millennium Plaza.

How do you know?

IStalkU, motherfucker!

You can't wait here, sir. Why don't you find a Starbucks?

Why don't you find a suck-my-cock-bucks? Hmm?

Sorry. That was uncalled for.

Where are we going?

It's saying he's, like, around...

I shouldn't have said what I said.

But I'd like to let you know that if you call Pearl, Pearl knows me and you just tell her...

Hey, hey! That's my dad.


Whatever he did, if you just let him go, I promise I'll get him home safely.

Look, please, sir. Don't embarrass him anymore.


Go on, Mr. Davis.

Thank you.

Wait a minute. That's... That's Gentry.

That's him. That's the decision maker.



I was captain of my Ultimate Frisbee team.

Shut up!

Hold it. Hold it!

Hold it, hold it. Thank you.

No! Oh!

Hold it, hold on!

Mr. Gentry, my name is Roger Davis.

Stay away from me. I'll call security.

They know I'm here.

Now, sir. I know you must think that I'm psychotic.

I'm not psychotic. I'm not.

I'm just a man driven to desperation by months and months of rejection and indifference.

I'm a human being, asking for an opportunity to tell you face to face why I think I would be great for your company.

This is my résumé. My son made this.

Why me?

Because you, sir, are the decision maker.

What happened?

I got an interview.


Nice! All right!

All right! Yeah!


What am I gonna do?

There can be only one.

Hey. Hey.

Katherine wants to see you in her office.


Goodbye head?

What? No. What is wrong with you?

I'm really bored.

Isn't it a glorious day?

What's glorious about it?

I've rid this company of the dead wood.

We are leaner and meaner.

This is a contract.

It's a what?

You're now Vice President of Corporate Communications.

Your salary is $52,000.


You'll be doing the work of three people.

Get used to eating dinner at your desk.

Now that I've turned you around, it was easier to kick you upstairs than to train someone new.

Just don't forget who did the kicking.

Yeah. Come here.

I own you, Mr. Davis.

Get to work, VP.


Why are you massaging my girlfriend?

Shh! Don't break her concentration.

She's about to get to the Living Legend achievement.

This is fucking crazy, man! She's on a killing spree.

Killing frenzy.

Your girlfriend is a fucking prodigy, bro.

Bong me.

You light it. Light it for her.

"Bong me"? Hey, what's up with you, man?

I lost a half a million dollars today.

I am fucked. I let everybody down, dude.

I let Tyler Perry down.

Oprah, Barack Obama...

I let Barack Obama down. I am fucked, man.

Stay with it. I'm on it.

You guys don't understand, man.

You guys don't understand. I drank deer cum!

Move! Oh, God. Shit!

Hey, Jillian, can I talk to you for a second?

Boo! No.

Okay. All right.

Game over, bitches!

What are you doing? You can't do that.

You can't pull the cord out. Why are you doing that?

Boo! Don't boo me.

You don't... Don't boo. Stop booing me!

I'm surprised at you, Will.

Dude, get out of here.

Sudden trauma can hurt the LED.

Wait, come here. Save me, save me, save me! I don't...

Bong me. Bong coming in.

All right, Jillian. I need you to step up.

Oh, my God.

Bring home the bacon, baby.

Oh, fuck. Let's eat some bacon right now.

Mr. Diller?

I just want to say I'm sorry I screwed up.

And thank you for the opportunity and...

I'm sorry I let you down.

Where in the fuck do you think you're going?

Sit the fuck down.

What kind of fucking pussy generation do you come from, anyway?

You never apologize.

Never, ever. You burn the fucking house down, you roll up your fucking sleeves and you build another one.

Now, get the fuck back out there and make the money back.

You got it?


Yo, this will never happen again.

Thank you so much.

Goddamn it.

Send the fucking custodian in.

Bring it in. Okay, circle up.

All right. Now, I know we haven't won a game yet, but we have been losing by less and less.

And I know for a fact that their two best players have head lice.

I'm saying we have a chance today.

A chance for victory.

A chance for redemption.

Hands in.

Victory on three.

One, two, three. Victory!

Great season! You guys played your hearts out.

You did it.

Everybody is a winner.

We are so proud of you.

Next year, no scoreboard, right?

All right. Here you go, honey.

No, no, no. No trophies!

No, no, no! No trophies this year.

We always get trophies.

Trophies don't mean anything unless you earn them.

They're just plastic junk.



My childhood bedroom is filled to the brim with trophies, and I haven't won a thing in my life.

You would have to be born already in a coma to do as little with your life as I have.

Excuse me. Stop it, stop! Listen to me.

Listen, guys.

Listen to me.

Now, I've spent the last five years of my life practically living on a cum-stained couch.

I smoke $200 of weed a week.

I've been wearing the same pair of socks for so long that the fabric of the sock has literally become one with the skin of my little toe.

And why? Why?

Because when I was growing up, they gave me trophies for losing.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

No trophy, Sam.

Kwan, no trophies!

No trophies!

No trophies! No trophies!

Thanks, Charlie.

Don't call me Charlie.

Call me Coach.


This place is foul. I know.

There's porn everywhere. I know.

Look, this is just temporary.

I got a good steady job now.

I mean, I don't want to jinx it, but they're talking about Employee of the Month.

I don't think that's a thing that people do anymore.

It is. And I'm gonna get it.

For us.

What I'm saying is, it's gonna be okay.

Jingle all the way

Oh, what fun it is to ride

In a one-horse open sleigh

Oh, Will...

Is this your girlfriend?

Jillian, this is Katherine Dunn.

Hello. Hi, Jillian.

I think that Jillian should be thanking me, don't you?

Thanking you for what? For what?

For what?

For turning you into the responsible little worker bee that you are.

It was very nice to meet you. You, too.

Enjoy the party, dears. Okay.

Wow. I know.

But she's making me Vice President.

All signed. Just got to turn it in.

Where did you find that?

I called Lon Zimmet.


He went on and on about you, and used the word "cock" like, 1,000 times.

Yeah, he does that.

I need to say something.


I'm 22 years old and I have no idea what I'm gonna do with the rest of my life.

And I'm fine with that. I have a lot to offer the world, and this is just the beginning, and if you want to take a job with some shady start-up company that has nothing to offer you but stock options and a dream, then you should do that!

Yeah, you know, maybe we're not all geniuses.

So we're not the greatest generation, so what?

These are our lives, and we're gonna make the most of 'em!

I love you, Jillian.

Come on, come on. Don't be shy.

Hey, Katherine, can I talk to you for a second?


So, I wanted to thank you for this opportunity.

Oh, pleasure.

But yeah, the job, it's not really for me.

You're joking. No. I quit.


Cocky little shit.

What, are you gonna go play house with that ugly little girlfriend of yours?

Maybe I will. Maybe you will.

But let me tell you something. You won't, because you won't have a job.

So I want you to be prepared for what it feels like to be on the unemployment line.

Because as of this moment forward, I'm going to do everything in my power to ensure that you never work in this town again.

Hey, put that in your Facebook.

- Should I put my showcase here? Yeah, would you?

I found this working late one night, and I thought it was a good opportunity to express myself.

Merry Christmas. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, wow!

Take that minotaur cock.

Is it tough out there? No doubt.

But we all need a job. So, what do you do?

Chug, chug, chug!

Find the thing that you were meant to do.

Work your ass off to get it.

Never stop believing.

Never quit.

Hello. Skeezy D blowin' up the Internet.

Everybody rollin' up to me like, "How can I roll Skeezy-style?"

Well, look.


Get your fuck on.

It's a dick!

Fucking great!

Will, I'd like to officially welcome you to the Sweat team.

Thanks, Lon. Um...

But I'm gonna have to turn down your offer.


I've started my own production company, but I would be honored to have Sweat as my first client.


In other words, don't just feel special.

Be special.

Do you love your wife? Of course you do.

But when she tells you she's going shopping, how do you know she's not actually going to a sordid motel like this one?

Hello, lover. Hello.


Your husband says he's working late.

Well, what kind of work are we really talking about?

Hey, Jezebel, sin.

Come and join the more than 150,000 satisfied customers who have all used iStalkU.

Let your loved ones know you care by never letting them out of your virtual sight.

Oh! Oh...

And cut!

We got it.

All right!