Ghost World (2001) Script

High school is like the training wheels... for the bicycle of real life.

It is a time when young people can explore... different fields of interests... and hopefully learn from their experiences.

In coming to terms with my own personal setback...

I have been able to learn... that I don't need to rely on drugs and alcohol... and that I'm very lucky... that more people besides myself and Kerry... weren't injured in the accident.

And I have learned... that to overcome life's obstacles... you need faith, hope... and above all, a sense of humor.

No more education It's time for celebration

'Cause this is the day of our high school graduation We've stayed for the duration Achieved matriculation Now we're the newest members of the general population

God, what a bunch of retards.

God, I know. I thought that chipmunk face... was never going to shut up.

I know. I liked her so much better... when she was an alcoholic crack addict.

She gets in one car wreck... and all of the sudden she's Little Miss Perfect... and everyone loves her.

Let's see if they gave me the right diploma.

What? What?

These assholes are saying I have to go to summer school... and take some stupid art class.

Why?

God, I didn't think that just because you get an "F"... you have to take the whole class over again.

Loser.

Wow. This is so bad, it's almost good.

This is so bad, it's gone past good and back to bad again.

At least we'll never have to see... any of these creepy faces ever again.

Unless they're in your summer school class.

Shut up.

Don't turn around. What? Why?

Don't turn around. Damn it.

Oh, my God. You guys, I can't believe we made it.

Yeah. We graduated high school.

How totally amazing.

So, what are you guys doing this summer?

Nothing.

Well, I'm going to this actor's workshop... and I'm hoping to start auditions soon.

Oh, we have to get together this summer.

Yeah. That'll definitely happen.

Well, bye, you guys.

Congratulations!

Hey, Rebecca. Oh, hi.

So, we finally--

What about me? Am I not even here?

Hey, Enid.

So, we finally made it, huh? Yeah.

So, where are you going to go to college?

We're not.

Really?

Both of you? Why not?

Just because.

Yeah, we made other plans.

I guess I should have figured... that you two would do something different.

So, Todd, what are you going to be when you grow up?

Well, I'm majoring in Business Administration... and thinking of minoring in Communications, so--

See, that's exactly the type of thing we're trying to avoid.

Look at this.

Is Stacy Himmler going out with Rod Harbaugh?

Oh, God. How perfect.

He better watch out, or he'll get AIDS when he date-rapes her.

Where is the love You said you'd give to me As soon as you were free?

Will it ever be?

God, just think. We'll never see Dennis again.

Good.

No, really. Think about that.

It's actually totally depressing.

Is it crazy for an oil company to care about the environment?

We don't think so.

I already told you I'm not going to college.

I think it's a good idea to keep all your options open.

You can even enroll in the winter quarter.

Actually, you could live here... and go to the city college part time... and still get a job if you want.

Look at me. I'm not even listening... to a word you're saying.

Did I tell you who I ran into at the bagel place?

Who?

Guess. How should I know?

Well, someone from the past.

Who? You give up?

Yes. Maxine.

Not the Maxine? Yeah.

Oh, God. How horrifying.

It's very good.

Jesus.


Check out these people behind you.

I'm totally convinced they're Satanists.

So when are we gonna start looking for our apartment?

Soon.

I have to wait and see how this summer class goes first.

God, it's so weird that we're finally out of high school.

We've been waiting for this our whole lives.

It's such a weird feeling.

Yeah. It hasn't really hit me yet.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't Enid and Rebecca-- the little Jewish girl and her Aryan friend.

You're late, asshole. Fine, and how are you?

Did you bring the tape?

You never paid me for that tape of the Indian dance routine.

Yes, I did.

You Jews are so clever with money.

Fuck you! You stupid redneck hick.

Oh, my God. Look, the Satanists are leaving.

Hey, we should follow them.

Oh, we totally have to.

Oh, my God!

So, what do you do if you're a Satanist, anyway?

Sacrifice virgins and stuff.

Well, that lets us off the hook.

How the hell did we get so far behind them?

I don't know. That's just great.

Jesus! Oh, yay.

Oh, my God. Look at this.

"Wowsville"? Authentic Fifties diner?

Since when were there mini-malls in the 1950s?

Who could forget this great hit from the Fifties, huh?

I feel as though I've stepped into a time warp.

Hey, check out the awesome Fifties hairdo on our waiter.

Hi. My name is Allen... and I'll be your waiter this afternoon.

Hi, Al. Can we call you "Weird Al"?

I'd imagine so.

You should check out the personals.

Maybe our future husbands are trying to contact us.

Here we go.

"Windsurfing doctor, Mensan IQ, maverick Sagittarius.

"Let's hit the clubs, make each other laugh."

You can have that one.

Jesus, listen to this one.

"Do you remember me, airport shuttle, June 7?

"You, striking blond with yellow dress...

"pearl necklace, brown shoes.

"I was the bookish fellow in the green cardigan...

"who helped you find your contact lens.

"Am I crazy, or did we have a moment?"

God, that's so pathetic.

I mean, she probably didn't even notice him.

And he's psychotically obsessing over every little detail.

We should call him and pretend to be the blond.

Oh, we totally have to.

It's his machine.

Hi, it's me.

Your striking blond.

Of course I remember you.

Let's get together for lunch sometime.

How about Friday at 1:00?

Meet me at my favorite restaurant-- Wowsville.

It's in the mall on Century Parkway.

See you there, darling.

Oh, yeah, and be sure to wear that sexy green cardigan.

Oh, it's that comedian I was telling you about.

I still live with my mother. He's the absolute worst.

So what if she's been dead for fifteen years?

See? That's barely even a joke.

Well, it's like I always say-- take my life...please.

Joey McCobb, the weirdest man in show business.

If he's so weird, how come he's wearing Nikes?

Joey McCobb is our god.

I want to do him. I bet.

Actually, he kind of reminds me... of that one guy you went out with-- Larry.

God, what look was he going for... a gay tennis player from the Forties?

Fuck you. You dated him.

Why do you have this?

I don't know. You lent it to me in, like, tenth grade.

Oh, look at how cute I am.

What a little hose bag.

Look, there's my dad with Maxine.

God, look at her. What a fucking monster.

If he starts dating her again, I'll kill myself.

Listen, lady, you tell me you want to relax your hair.

Sing it a lullaby or use this. It's all I've got.

Hey, what you doing?

You have five minutes left on your shift.

Well, hello there, young employee of the Sidewinder.

Look, I already told you guys, I'm not giving you a ride.

What can you tell me, young man... about the various flavors of frozen yogurt?

I'll be done in a minute. Can you guys just wait outside?

I don't understand. I simply wish to know--

Josh, what are you doing?

In addition to our favorites, chocolate and vanilla... this week we are featuring six-gun strawberry... wild cherry roundup, and ten-gallon tangerine.

I don't believe I care for any of those.

What's up, Josh? Give me two packs of cigarettes today.

Working overtime. Sixteen hours.

And nature's nectar, wake-up Juice.

And give me six of these beef jerkys.

I'm hungry enough to chew the crotch out of a rag doll.

Hey! Hey, you!

How many times I tell you? No shirt, no service.

Get the hell out of my store.

What do you think this is, Club Med?

It's America, dude. Learn the rules.

No, you learn the rules. We Greeks invented democracy.

You also invented homos. Fuck you.

You wish. You got to buy me dinner first.

So...

Can we talk about this in a minute?

Seriously, I'm, like, this close to being done.

Son of a bitch.

What do you think you're doing?

Turn off that goddamn noise.

Rock 'n' roll, baby. Freedom of speech.

What do you think this is, Woodstock?

That guy rules! Who, Doug?

That guy spends more time in here than I do.

It's my parking lot!

So, Josh, will you please give us a ride?

Please, Josh? No.

Please? It'll be super fun. Please, Josh?

Look, I don't see why you guys even need a ride.

You could walk there in two minutes.

It's just an excuse for us to spend time with you, Josh.

If this guy freaks out, will you protect us?

This guy has every reason to freak out.

This is a pretty fucked up thing to do to somebody.

I think Josh is becoming too mature for us.

Oh, look, maybe that's him.

No. It's still twenty-five minutes too early.

Aren't there a million places like this?

No. This is the ultimate.

It's, like, the Taj Mahal of fake Fifties diners.

So, where's the Weird AI guy?

There he is back there.

I can see his hair bobbing up and down.

I want to make love to him.

I'm gonna tell him you said that.

So nice to see you again, ladies.

Hi, Weird Al. My friend here has--

Shut up!

She says she wants to-- Shut up!

Oh, my God.

God, that is obviously him.

Oh, my God. He just ordered a giant glass of milk.

That's a vanilla milkshake.


Oh, God, this is totally unbearable.


Fucking asshole! What's wrong with you?

Oh, my God. It's him.

Can anybody drive? He's insane.

We should follow him home. Forget it.

Come on, Josh. Don't you want to see where this guy lives?

God, he lives right in our neighborhood.

He doesn't even look all that bummed out really.

I know.

Wouldn't he be, like, totally pissed off?

This type of thing must happen to him all the time.

Mirror, father, mirror.


That piece is entitled "Mirror, Father, Mirror."

I like to show it... to people that I'm meeting for the first time... because I think it says so much about who I am... and what it feels like to inhabit my specific skin.

And this is exactly what I'm hoping to get... from each of you over the course of this summer-- a picture of your own self-exploration.

Now, my own background is in video and performance art... but I'm hoping that doesn't influence you too much... and you'll find your own ways of externalizing the internal.

And at the end of the summer, this class has been invited... to participate in a show of high school art... at the neighborhood activity center.

The title of the show will be...

"Brotherhood and Community: Art as Dialogue."

Are there any questions so far?

Great!

This is really creepy.

We just need to find out what apartment he's in... and we'll stalk him from a distance.

I'm afraid if I see him, I'll feel really bad again.

This is girl mail.

This is computer catalogs and stuff.

"The W.C. Fields Fan Club Newsletter"?

Oh, my God. The National Psoriasis Foundation?

Bingo. Did you hear something?

Come on.

What if he recognizes us?

Eww, look at this.

Eww. Gross.

Kinda cute.

It looks like a gross rat.

That's a mongoose.

How much is it?

That's not officially for sale.

I might have to hang on to that for the time being.

So, you looking for anything in particular?

Do you have any other old records besides these?

Seymour does.

Who does?

Oh, him. Seymour.

He's the man with the records.

Do you have any old Indian records?

Indian records?

Yeah. You know, like, old Indian 1960s rock 'n' roll music.

I may have one Hindu 78... in my collection from the Twenties... but it's not really for sale.

I don't really collect foreign.

Those are all 78s. You play 78s?

Maybe not 78s, but I can play regular records.

Well, there's some good stuff in here.

You like old music? Yeah, it's good.

There's some choice LPs in here... that reissue some really great old blues stuff.

How about this one? Is it any good?

No, that one's not so great.

Excuse me.

This is the one I'd recommend.

It's...

This track alone by Memphis Minnie... is worth about $500 if you own the original 78.

I know the guy who owns the original... and lent it for use on this reissue.

Wow.

How much is it? $1.75.

If you don't like it, you can bring it back for a refund.

We're here every Saturday.

I'm sure it's OK.

Enjoy.

It was so cute how he had his own little bags.

I thought I was going to start crying.

Yeah, he should totally just kill himself.

Oh, here's one.

But you have to share with a...

"nonsmoking feminist and her two cats".

I don't know. I kind of like him.

He's the exact opposite of everything I really hate.

In a way, he's such a clueless dork... he's almost kind of cool.

That guy is many things, but he's definitely not cool.

This would be good, but there's no kitchen.

Yeah, but... you know what I mean.

Not really.

Forget it. I can't explain it.

Oh, my God. What are you guys doing here?

What are you doing here, Melorra?

My acting workshop is across the street from here.

I'm just on my break.

Well, we won't keep you.

I love this place.

It's so, I don't know... You know, funky.

So, what are you guys up to?

We're looking for apartments.

God, how cool. Where are you moving?

We don't know yet. That's why we're looking.

Somewhere downtown.

God, that's so exciting.

Oops, I should go.

Bye, you guys. Call me. Bye.

Funky.

What, is she black now?

So, I was thinking that when we look for our apartment... we have to convince these people that we're totally rich yuppies.

What are you talking about?

That's who people want to rent to.

So all we have to do is buy semi-expensive outfits... and I think it's no big deal.

It'll be really fun.


Honey, have you seen my blue spatula?

What, are you making pancakes?

Not if I can't find that goddamn spatula.

That's just great. When did you do that?

God, how long have you been standing there?

Hey, look. There's the pants.

Where are we going?

Let's go hassle Josh.

Hassle?

Oh, look, there he is. As always.

Waiting for the bus that never comes.

I wonder if he's just totally insane... or he really thinks the bus is coming?

Why don't you just ask him?

Hi. What's your name?

Norman.

Are you waiting for a bus? Yes.

I hate to tell you this... but they canceled this bus line two years ago.

There are no more buses on this street.

You don't know what you're talking about.

Josh!

I bet he's in there jerking off.

I'll bet he never jerks off.

Yeah, he's beyond human stuff like that.

Should we leave a note?

Yeah. You got a pen? Yeah.

"Dear Josh, we came by to fuck you...

"but you were not home. Therefore, you are gay.

"Signed Tiffany and Amber."

You're going to leave that? Why not?

Why do we have to go in here? I hate this place.

Don't worry. It'll only take a second.

Whoever told you that bullshit about boiling... is out of his mind.

Carpet beetles are the only way to get flesh off a corpse.

I'm just telling you what he said.

Don't you creeps ever talk about anything nice?

Don't you ever talk about fluffy kittens or the Easter Bunny?

Look who's talking, Little Miss Badass.

Yeah, nice outfit.

Who are you supposed to be, Cyndi Lauper?

Blow me, doofus.

Oh, my God. Didn't they tell you?

Tell me what? Punk rock is over.

I know it's over, asshole.

Want to fuck up the system? Go to business school.

That's what I'm going to do.

Get a job at some big corporation... and, like, fuck things up from the inside.

You know, I'm not even trying-- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, do you have my money?

Oh, how punk.

You know that tape sucked, by the way?

So sorry if it offended Jew. Go die, asshole.

Get a job. God, fuck you.

Can we go now?

You know, it's not like I'm some modern punk, dickhead.

It's obviously a 1977 original punk rock look.

Johnny Fuckface over there is too stupid to realize it.

I didn't really get it, either.

Everyone's too stupid.


It took me a while before I got a chance to actually play it... but once I heard that song, it was like--

You liked it, huh?

There's some really rare performances.

What about-- Did you like the Memphis Minnie?

That was good, too. The whole record was good... but that one song, "Devil Got My Woman..."

I mostly just keep playing that over and over.

Do you have any other records like that?

There are no other records like that.

Actually, I have the original 78 in my collection.

It's one of maybe five known copies.

Wow.

Yeah. Do you want to see it?

I can run upstairs and get it.

Sure, yeah.

Watch my stuff.

Here we go. It's...

It's only about a B-minus.

It's got an incipient lam crack... but it plays decent as I recall.

Oops, I dropped it! Jeez!

I was only kidding.

Jesus, Seymour, are you all right?

Yeah, it's just... it's very valuable.

Now, last week, I asked you... to try to create a piece of artwork... that responds to something you have strong feelings about.

I merely want to help you find... the best way to look within yourselves... the best key to your particular lock.

And it looks like we have some really interesting work up here.

Thanks.

What can you tell us about your piece...

Phillip?

It's about The Mutilator.

My goodness.

It's a really great video game... about a guy who kills people with a big hammer.

Oh. I thought maybe this was supposed to be your father.

What can you tell us about this piece..

Enid. Enid.

Well, it's kind of a diary, I guess.

Colorful.

I think that Phillip and Enid can help us to see that... there are many different ways we can express ourselves.

We can do things like these cartoons that are amusing... as a sort of a light entertainment... or we can do work that is more serious... in scope, in feeling, and that deals with issues-- emotional, spiritual, political... of great importance.

Who is responsible for this?

I am.

Talk to us about it.

It's my response to the issue of a woman's right to choose.

It's something I feel super strongly about.

Isn't this a wonderful piece, class?

This definitely falls into that higher category of art...

I was speaking of earlier.

In a world where nothing is what it seems... in a time of uncertainty... the future is about to be placed...

Hello. Welcome to Masterpiece Video.

How may I help you this afternoon, sir?

I'm looking for a copy of "8 1/2".

Is that a new release, sir?

No. It's the classic Italian film.

Yes, sir.

I'll just check that on the computer for you, sir.

Hello! How are you young ladies this afternoon?

May I help you find a particular Masterpiece movie?

No.

Yes, here it is.

"9 1/2 Weeks" with Mickey Rourke.

That would be in the erotic drama section.

No, not "9 1/2", "8 1/2". The Fellini film.

How about this one?

Forget it. I'm sure it sucks.

All these movies suck.

America's top critics agree--

"The Flower That Drank The Moon..."

Let's get out of here. This place makes me sick.

We have to do something fun tonight.

It's my last weekend of freedom before I start my stupid job.

I know a party we could go to later.

Really? Where?

It's a surprise.

Some records I will pay serious money for... provided that they're a sincere V-plus.

Other than that, I just prefer to have them on CD.

But CDs will never have the presence of an original 78.

Wrong. A digital transfer, adequately mastered... will sound identical to the original.

Do you have a decent equalizer?

I have a Klipsch 2B3. Obviously the problem.

You expect a ten-band equalizer... to impart state-of-the-art sound?

Dream a little dream. It's never gonna happen.

I totally, totally hate you.

Come on. This is a fun party.

Erskine Hawkins and his orchestra, do you have that?

That's nice, but no.

"Golden Wedding"? Oh, I know that.

That's excellent.

What's the story with the two cheerleaders over there?

They're Seymour's.

Seymour? No. You got to be kidding me.

Don't worry about it. I've lived with the guy for five years.

He's not getting any. Neither are you.

Hey, you know what? Listen to me, Joe, all right?

Let me tell you something, Joe, OK?

You can't score a home run without swinging the bat.

All right? Physically impossible.

Watch and learn, padre.

How's it going, Adam?

There's a seat right there.

Mind if I sit down? Yes.

Oh, man. That was cold.

You're all right.

You're pretty sharp.

You're wearing a green dress. What are you, Irish?

I bet you're Irish. What's your name?

Melorra. Ah, Melorra.

So listen to me, Melorra.

Let me tell you something.

You seem like an interesting chick.

What are you doing hanging here with all these losers?

What do you say you and me go hit some night spots?

Well, Melorra, I'll be right back.

I'm gonna get a beer.

No, Enid, wait.

Hey, that's all right.

It has a large center hole and a hair crack.

But the crack is so tight, it's completely inaudible.

But a tight hair crack is just that-- a crack.

I don't collect cracked records.

I only pay premium on mint records.

Seymour, you know that. Please.

So, what was all that about enlarged holes and tight cracks?

I didn't think you would have any interest... in this get-together.

If you would have told me you were coming...

I would have warned you it's not like a real party or anything.

You're right about that.

So, is this your record collection?

God, no. This is just junk I have for sale.

The record room is off limits. Really?

Here.

Are all these records?

I've got about 1,500 78s at this point.

I've tried to pare down my collection... to just the essential.

Look at this room.

This is, like, my dream room.

Look at all this stuff.

You are, like, the luckiest guy in the world.

I would kill to have stuff like this.

Please. Go ahead and kill me.

Oh, come on. What are you talking about?

You think it's healthy to obsessively collect things?

You can't connect with other people... so you fill your life with stuff.

I'm just like all the rest of these pathetic collector losers.

No, you're not. You're a cool guy, Seymour.

Then how come I haven't had a girlfriend in four years?

I can't even remember the last time a girl talked to me.

I'm talking to you.

You know, I bet there are tons of women... who'd go out with you in a minute.

I know I could get you a date in, like, two seconds.

Good luck.

I mean it. You leave everything to me...

I'm going to be your own personal dating service.

Yeah, well, we should get back.

By the end of this summer... you're going to be up to your neck in pussy.

Jesus.

What about her? Would you go out with her?

What kind of a question is that?

It's totally irrelevant, because a girl like that... would never be caught dead with me.

Yeah, but put that aside for now.

Would you go out with her?

I really didn't get a good look at her.

Yes, you did. Whoa.

What about her? Are you into girls with big tits?

Jesus.

I mean, as long as she's not a complete imbecile... and she's even remotely attractive...

Hey, look, there's Norman. Hi, Norman.

We need to find a place where you can go... to meet women who share your interests.

Maybe I don't want to meet someone who shares my interests.

I hate my interests.

List your five main interests in order of importance.

I'd have to put traditional jazz, blues... and then ragtime at the top of the list.

Right, so let's just say music.

That way, we only use up one.

All right.

Can we go in here for a second? Just for a second.

Just stopping by to say hi.

This is my friend Seymour.

OK. Well, we'll see you later, Josh.

Josh, what you goddamn doing?

Clean up that fucking mess! Jesus.

So, was that your boyfriend?

Josh? He's nobody's boyfriend.

He's just this guy that Becky and I like to torture.

But do you... Are you going out--

Oh, my God. We have to go in here. Come on.

Yeah, sure. Very funny.

Come on. Please?

Becky and I have been dying to go in here... but we can never find any boys to take us.

I would really rather not. Come on. Please?

Just for a minute. It'll be a riot.

I don't think so. Please. Please.

Oh, my God. Look at all these creeps.

OK. Can we go?

This place is a total riot.

What are you doing?

Oh, my God.

Who would actually have sex with this thing?

"Corporate Slut". Sophisticated.

Come on. Can we go?

Seymour, you have to lend me the money to buy this.

I don't really have a lot of money on me right now.

Come on, Seymour. Please?

I don't want this showing up on a credit card statement.

I'll get put on some weird mailing list.

It's not that much. That's not the point.

Gimme all your money, bitch.

Where did you get that?

You'll never believe it. Guess.

Where?

Anthony's.

No way. When?

Just now. I went with Seymour.

You cunt.

Excuse me.

I can't read the trivia question.

"Where on the human body is the Douglas pouch located?"

Oh, God.

Slightly below the uterus on a female.

Wow.

He does that every single day.

I'll have a decaf-mocha to go.

One decaf-mocha.

Can I get you--

No, I do not want a biscotti with that.

God. How can you stand all these assholes?

Some people are OK... but mostly I just feel like poisoning everybody.

At least the wheelchair guy is entertaining.

He doesn't even need that wheelchair.

He's just totally lazy.

That rules.

No, it really doesn't. You'll see.

You'll get totally sick of all the creeps... and losers and weirdos.

But those are our people.

Yeah, well.

So, when are you going to get a job?

I'm working on it. Got a few leads.

Don't worry about it. I'll get a job next week.

God, I can't believe you went to Anthony's without me.

Oh, sweetie.

Honey, would you come in here for a minute?

Sweetie, you remember Maxine?

I'm going to go to bed. I'm really tired.

Honey, I made spaghetti. You don't want some?

No. I have to get up early for class tomorrow.

It's really quite something to see you all grown up, Enid.

I'd love to know what you're doing now.

I can't help but feel...

I had some small part in how you turned out.

What are you studying?

You were always such a smart little girl.

I'm taking a remedial high school art class... for fuck-ups and retards.

Who is this, Enid?

It's supposed to be Don Knotts.

And what was your reason for choosing him as your subject?

I don't know. I just like Don Knotts.

Interesting.

What do we have here, Margaret?

It's a tampon in a teacup.

I can see that.

What can you tell us about it?

First of all, what kind of sculpture is this?

It's a found object.

That's where an artist takes an ordinary object... and places it in an artistic context... and thus, it becomes art.

But what can you tell us about it... in regard to your artistic intent?

Well, I guess I see the teacup as a symbol for womanhood.

Such as tea parties in the olden days... but instead of tea...

I was trying to kind of confront people with this--

This shocking image of repressed femininity.

Right. Exactly.

Well, I think it's a really wonderful piece... and it illustrates perfectly what I was saying... about not being afraid to use controversial imagery.

Oh. Well, this looks like the work of Phillip.

Hey, you see that guy over there?

Which one? The blond guy over there.

He gives me, like, a total boner.

He's, like, the biggest idiot of all time.

You guys up for some reggae tonight?

OK, you're right.

Sometimes I think I'm going crazy... from sexual frustration.

And you haven't heard of the miracle of masturbation?

Heads up.

My band's playing here on Friday night... and there's going to be a bunch of cool bands playing... and you don't have to pay... if you show them this flier at the door.

You should come check it out.

Which band is yours?

It's Alien Autopsy.

Oh. Bitchin'.

Yeah, well... maybe I'll see you there.

Yeah. Thanks.

God, what a dork.

You're just jealous.

Trust me, at this point, I'm past the fact... that every single guy likes you better than me.

Oh, face it. You just hate every single guy... on the face of the earth.

That's not true.

I just hate all these extroverted, obnoxious... pseudo-bohemian losers.

The Donnie G show. Donnie G!

Nothing but classic rock... coming at you this beautiful evening.

You're listening to KFTO--

God, that asshole's voice is so hateful.

No wonder I never listen to the radio.

Relax, Seymour. Relax.

He's just so shrill and loud and piercing.

I feel like I'm being jabbed in the face.

"KTO coming at you on this beautiful evening."

So... Thank you.

Why'd you bring the record?

I brought it so he can autograph it.

He's going to be amazed to see it.

It's one of only two known copies.

I can't believe they have him as the opening act... and not the headliner.

It's-- What an insult.

There's gonna be lots of girls to pick from at this bar.

I'm not holding my breath in that department.

What, are we in slow motion here?

What are you, hypnotized?

Have some more kids, why don't you?

Jesus Christ, move it!

Seymour! God.

I can't believe these people.

They could at least turn off their stupid sports game... until he's done playing.

Thank you.

Don't go away.

We got Blues Hammer coming up in just a minute.

Hey, check that out.

She's nice, but, you know...

Offer her a seat.

I'll do it. No, no, no, no.

Wait. Let me think of something to say to her first.


That was great music, huh?

Yeah, I just love blues.

Actually, technically, what he was mostly playing... would more accurately be classified in the ragtime idiom.

Although, of course, not in the strictest sense... of the classical ragtime piano music... like that of Scott Joplin or Joseph Lamb.

Authentic blues has a more conventional... twelve-bar structure in its stanzas.

Oh. If you like authentic blues... you really gotta check out Blues Hammer.

They're so great.


All right, people, are you ready to boogie?

'Cause we gonna play some authentic... way-down-in-the-delta blues.

So get ready to rock your world!

Well, I been plowin' behind the mule, son Picking cotton all day long

Yes, I been plowin'

Picking cotton all day long

I said, Lordy, baby But my woman she be gone

Now I remember why I haven't been anywhere in months.

It's simple for everybody else.

You give them a Big Mac and a pair of Nikes... and they're happy.

I can't relate to ninety-nine percent of humanity.

I can't relate to humanity, either... but I don't think it's completely hopeless.

Well, it's not completely hopeless for you.

I'm not even in the same universe... as those creatures back there.

We just need to find you a place... where you can meet someone... who isn't a complete idiot, that's all.

Why do you care so much if I get a date or not?

I don't know.

I guess I just can't stand the idea of a world... where a guy like you can't get a date.

What is this, Seymour?

Oh, that.

I borrowed that from work about fifteen years ago.

I guess it's mine now.

What are you, a Klansman or something?

Yeah, I'm a Klansman.

You know the Cook's Chicken franchise?

"Four-piece Cook's special...

"deep-fried with side and slaw. It's outrageous!"

Yeah, well, Cook's is just a made up name.

Back in 1922... they were originally called Coon Chicken Inn.

That's an early painting of their first logo.


How come everybody doesn't know this?

It's ancient history.

Same reason nobody knows about this Lionel Belasco record.

I was more interested in the whole Cook's phenomenon... when I was about your age.

Sort of lost interest when I started working for them.

You work for Cook's Chicken?

For nineteen years.

Were you a fry cook or something?

Nothing so glamorous, actually.

I'm an assistant manager at their corporate headquarters.

Jesus. I'd go nuts if I had to work in an office all day.

So I don't really get it.

Are you saying that things were better back then... even though there was stuff like this?

I suppose things are better now, but...

I don't know, it's complicated.

People still hate each other... but they just know how to hide it better.

Can I borrow this?

For what?

I promise I'll take good care of it.

They're very sensitive about that kind of stuff at work.

Don't you trust me, Seymour?

Let's address discussion to this piece.

I don't like it.

Can you tell us why?

I don't know.

I think it's totally weird.

It's totally offensive.

Yeah. I agree.

It's not right.

Well, these are all valid comments, but...

I think we should see if the artist... has anything to bring to this.

Well, I found this when I was doing some research... and I discovered that Cook's Chicken... used to be called Coon Chicken.

So I decided to do my project based on this discovery... as kind of a comment on racism... and how it's whitewashed over in our culture.

Did you actually do this painting?

Well, no, it's more of a found art object.

How do you think this addresses the subject of racism?

It's complicated.

I guess I'm trying to show... how racism used to be more out in the open... and now it's hidden or something.

And how do you think an image like this... helps us to see that?

I'm not sure.

I guess because when we see something like this... it seems really shocking.

And we have to wonder why it's so shocking.

I don't really know what to say, Enid.

I think it's a remarkable achievement.

I'm going to let you handle the 4:30 crowd by yourself.

That way, I can evaluate your performance while it's slow.

Then we'll ease you into the big crowds, all right?

You can count on me, sir. Cool.

Do you serve beer or any alcohol?

I wish.

Actually, you wish.

After about five minutes of this movie... you're going to wish you had ten beers.

What are you doing? You don't ever criticize the feature.

Why? What's the difference?

I mean, we already got his money.

Look, that's the policy, OK?

If you want to make up your own rules... open up your own theater.

And let me have lots of butter on it.

Here you go.

Smothered in delicious yellow chemical sludge.

What the hell is wrong with you?

What?

I was just joking around with the customers.

It's my shtick. Well, lose it.

And why aren't you pushing the larger sizes?

Didn't you get training about up-sizing?

Yeah, but I feel really weird.

It's pretty sleazy.

It's not optional!

Jesus.

Hi. Can I get a medium 7 Up?

Medium?

Why, sir, do you not know that for a mere 25 cents more... you could purchase a large beverage?

And you know, I'm only telling you this... because we're such good friends.

Medium is really only for suckers... who don't know the concept of value.

What are you talking about?

What kind of loser gets fired after one day?

Look, I told you. The manager was a total asshole.

I'll get another job.

Besides, I have some ideas to make money in the meantime.

I can't believe you're selling some of this stuff.

Fuck it. Everything must go.

I remember this hat.

This was during your little old lady phase.

How much is this?

That's not for sale.

Wait a minute. It says five dollars.

I know, it's...

That's a mistake.

I'm not selling it.

What was that all about?

I thought "everything must go".

Yeah, right.

Like I'd let some asshole with a soul patch own Goofy Gus.

How much for this dress?

God, I can't believe you're selling that.

That's five hundred dollars.

What? Five hundred.

You're crazy. It should be, like, two dollars.

I was wearing that when I lost my virginity.

Why do I care about that?

Why do you want it?

It would look stupid on you anyway.

God! Fuck you!

So, now are you going to get a regular job?

Do you want to do something tonight?

I can't. It's Seymour's birthday tonight.

Oh, shit. What time is it?

I'm supposed to go to the store. I was going to make him a cake.

Do you still want to go shopping tomorrow?

Yeah, I guess. Call me.

Since when can you make a cake?

OK, you can open your eyes now.

Oh, hey. Thanks, Enid. I really appreciate it.

No, blow it out, doofus.

Are you OK? Yeah.

Oh, it's just my stupid back. I'll be all right in a minute.

What is that?

It's...

It's just this elastic thing I have to wear sometimes... for lumbar support.

What, like a girdle?

Maybe now you can understand why I can't get a date.

Well, at least you're not the only one.

I think only stupid people have good relationships.

That's the spirit.

Actually, there is this one guy I have a crush on right now... but... totally fucked-up situation.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. You met him, remember? That guy Josh.

But I can't do anything about it... because Becky would totally freak out.

Why?

Just forget it. It's complicated.

Aren't you going to get that?

Let the machine get it.

I have no desire to talk to anyone who might be calling me.

I knew it. It's my mother.

Hi, I'm calling for...

You placed an ad in "The Weekly" over a month ago, and... well, I'm the blonde in the yellow dress.

At least, I think I am.

I saw the ad when you first placed it... but I was in this relationship at the time... so I cut the ad out, and... and I'm not in a relationship anymore.

God, this is really confusing.

Don't!

Anyway, if you still want to talk to me...

I can be reached at 555-2673.

That's my work number... and my name is Dana.

OK! Bye.

Wow.

What was all that about?

It's just somebody's idea of a joke.

That didn't sound like a joke to me.

What, did you place an ad in the personals or something?

Yeah, a long time ago.

She called before. It's just somebody trying to humiliate me.

I think you should call her back.

Oh, look. We have to get these.

You know, I can't afford stuff like this right now.

Look, I'm sick of waiting.

I mean, we have to get stuff if we're ever going to move.

Aren't these the greatest?

What? They're nice.

I can't imagine spending money on plastic cups.

You don't have to. I'll pay for everything now... and you can pay me back when you finally get a job.

You're insane.

So, are we still going to that thing tonight?

What thing?

You know, that guy's band is playing tonight.

Alien Autopsy.

Actually, Seymour's big date is tonight.

And I kind of want to be around when he calls... you know, so I can hear how badly it went.

God, I'm so sick of Seymour.

That was great.

Jeez, thanks a lot for cooking.

I love to cook.

Most women wouldn't invite a guy over on the first date, but...

I think you should trust your instincts.

When I talked to you on the phone... you just seemed so... I don't know, so harmless.

Thanks.


I love this song.

Isn't it great?

Doesn't it make you want to dance?

Come on. No, I don't really dance.

Come on, Seymour. Don't be silly.

Anybody can dance.

Here, follow me. Watch my feet.

No, really.

Come on, Seymour.

Just feel the music.

Loosen up. It's all in your head.

Here, let's put down your bowl of ice cream.

Wow, it's 9:00 already.

If we're gonna make that movie, don't you think we should go?

OK. Party pooper.

I'm so excited to see this film.

Dustoff Varnya is such a brilliant director.

Did you see his last film...

"The Flower That Drank The Moon"?

It was glorious.

Must have missed that one.

Then again, what do I know? I like Laurel and Hardy movies.

Really? I never really cared for those.

Why does the fat one always have to be so mean to the skinny one?

Hello? Hey. It's me.

Oh, hi. So, what happened?

Actually, it's still kind of happening.

She's over here right now. I think it's going pretty well.

What? You're joking. Yeah, so I better go.

It's not really the best time to talk, OK?

What, are you going to have sex with her on your first date?

Jesus! I'll talk to you later, OK? Bye.

That was my mother.


Do you still want to do something tonight?

What happened to Seymour?

I can't believe this. He actually scored.

God, how repulsive.

So, should I come over?

Actually, I was just about to go out with some friends.

What are you talking about? Who?

Just some people from work.

I don't believe you.

You said you were busy, so...

Look, I better get going.

I guess I'll call you tomorrow.


Boo!

Please.

Boy.

So, where have you been?

I've been looking all over for you.

I've been wandering the streets day and night... trying to find you.

Really?

No. Joe told me where you are.

But how come you never call me anymore?

I'm sorry. I've just been really busy.

So, how are things going with...

What's her name? Dana?

Pretty well. Surprisingly, you know.

It's good.

What do you do together? Is she into your old records and stuff?

Yeah, sort of. I mean, she doesn't dislike that stuff.

Anyway, she's trying.

Actually, we're supposed to go antique shopping... for her apartment this afternoon.

Sounds good.

So, we should get together.

I'll definitely give you a call this week or something.

Are you trying to get rid of me?

No, no, no. It's just that I...

I should be going in a few minutes, and...

Aren't you even going to ask how I'm doing?

Sorry.

So, how are you?

I don't know. Good, I guess.

Oh, hello. Guess I'm a little early.

This is Enid. Hello.

It's great to finally meet you.

So, how do you two know each other?

I'm kind of surprised he hasn't mentioned me.

We're old friends. Really?

Yeah. Very close.

In fact, I was standing right next to him... the first day you called.

You know, if it wasn't for me... he would have never called you back.

Is that right? I would have--

Well, I've really got to get going... but I'll stop by and see you sometime, Seymour.

It really was great to meet you.

Now remember, the art show is this Saturday...

7:30 p.m., sharp.

Oh, and Justin.

I'm sorry.

I'm gonna really miss all of you people.

I hope that each of you feels as if you'll be... taking away something from this experience.

Thanks. So long, everyone.

Enid, can I speak to you for a moment?

Uh-oh. Don't worry, it's nothing bad.

I got a call from a close friend of mine... at the Academy of Art and Design... and she tells me I'm allowed to place one student... from your graduating class for a full one-year scholarship... and I took the liberty of submitting your name.

As far as I know it includes housing... and meals and everything. It's really quite an offer.

Let me know as soon as you can, Enid.

This could be a really great thing for you.

Pumpkin? Honey?

I'm coming in.

Well, I have some good news.

What is it now?

Are you still looking for a job?

I guess.

Maxine thinks she can get you a job at Computer Station.

Normally, you have to have a lot of references.... and at least two years of experience... but she thinks she can convince them.

Tell her to forget it. I don't need her help.

OK, that's...

You know, if that's...

If-- Mm-hmm.

Awful! Just awful!

I will take care of it, I promise you.

I will handle it. Thank you.

Excuse me.

I'm sorry, I need to speak with her for a second.

Well, enjoy the show. Thank you.

Yes, what is it, Phyllis?

I am sorry... but you are simply going to have to remove that painting.

Several of the parents have complained about it already.

Well, I will do no such thing.

Then I'm going to go over there and take it down myself.

I think we should give the artist a chance... to talk with the parents about her intentions with this piece.

We should be promoting discussion as a solution... instead of censorship.

Censorship? Yes.

Oh, that is such a big word for you, Roberta.

Excuse me.

Do not touch that-- OK, I have a solution.

Thank you, everyone, for your patience.

Margaret, have you seen Enid?

I don't think she's even here. You're kidding.

All right. There we go. Thank you very much.

So-- Excuse me.

So there's this stupid art show I'm going to tonight... and I want you to be my date.

There's something I want to show you.

Yeah, I... I don't think I should.

Of course you should.

I'm already a million hours late. Come on.

I better not.

OK, well, forget the art show. Let's do something else, then.

I really wish I could, Enid, but...

Dana just got out of a really bad relationship... and I don't want her to have the wrong idea, you know?

Hey, what's happening?

Where'd you get those pants?

They were a present from Dana.

You like them? They a good fit?

Yeah, whatever. I mean, what do I know about clothes?

It's nice to have somebody do all the work for me.

I'll just be in my room.

What's her deal, anyway?

Did she actually tell you that you can't see me anymore?

No. No, I mean...

Not exactly. She just...

She just doesn't understand how I would know someone like you.

What does that mean, "someone like me"?

Just someone so young.

Don't worry. I won't bother you anymore.


Do you remember me?

Sure. Sure.

You're, like, the only person in this world I can count on... because, no matter what, I know you'll always be here.

Well, that's what you think.

I'm leaving town.

Where are we? This is such a weird neighborhood.

This is a totally normal, average neighborhood.

3128.

That must be it. Great.

What? What's wrong with it? It looks totally normal.

What? I said great.

Yeah, I can tell you really love it.

What am I supposed to say?

"Gee, I can't wait to live in some depressing shit-hole...

"out in the middle of nowhere"?

You know, you hate every single place that we look at.

Why don't you just tell me you don't want to live with me?

Because you'll totally freak out and act like a psycho about it.

What?

You're the psycho.

You've totally ignored me ever since high school ended.

You're still living out some stupid seventh-grade fantasy!

"Your own apartment."

Fuck you.

Have fun living with your dad for the rest of your life.

God. Fuck you, too.

Pumpkin?

Pumpkin?

Honey?

What's wrong?

Nothing.

Because, honey, if something's wrong...

I'd love it if we could talk about it.

It's nothing. It's just some hormonal thing.

Don't worry about it.

OK, because I have some very, very important news... to talk about... and if you're not feeling well, we can do this some other time.

What?

Well, Maxine and I have been seeing a lot of each other.

And we were thinking it might be really best... for all of us if at the end of the summer... she came here to live with us.

We could really just see how we got along together... and see if this is--

Is this your first death mask?

All artists have to suffer.

Just a minute.

I brought the application for the art academy.

I just hope it's not too late.

I am so sorry about what happened, Enid.

What do you mean?

Well, the whole business with the art show... and the newspaper-- it's just absolutely...

They're forcing me to give you... a non-passing grade in the class.

Can't I still get a scholarship to the art academy?

Well, I'm sorry, Enid-- Can you help me out here?

I can't breath under this mask. Excuse me.

That's fine. Just breathe. Don't worry about it.

Hey, what are you doing here?

I needed to see you.

What's up?

Can you at least let me in?

Yeah, sure. Come on in.

Look, I just need someone to be nice to me for five minutes... and then I swear I'll leave you alone, OK?

What's the matter?

Do you have anything to drink?

There might be some root beer.

What's this? That's Dana's.

We're supposed to be saving it for our two-month anniversary.

You better not--

I mean, you like me, right, Seymour?

We're good friends, right?

Yeah, sure. Of course.

What is this?

Dana got it when we went shopping for antiques.

She said it didn't go with her stuff... so she gave it to me.

Said it would go better with my old-time thingamajigs.

Jesus, how can you stand her?

How come all that time I was trying to get you a date... you never asked me out?

You're a beautiful young girl.

I couldn't imagine you'd have any interest in me... except as an amusingly cranky eccentric curiosity.

At least you're not like every other stupid guy in the world.

All they care about is guitars or sports.

I hate sports.

Maybe I should just move in with you.

I could do the cooking and dust your old records... until I get a job.

You know what my number one fantasy used to be?

What?

I used to think about one day... just not telling anyone and going off to some random place.

And I'd just disappear... and they'd never see me again.

Do you ever think about stuff like that?

I guess I probably did when I was your age.

You know what we should do?

We should just get in your car right now and just drive off.

Just find some totally new place... and start a whole new life.

Fuck everybody.

I'm not in any good condition to drive.

I'm serious.

I'm just so sick of everybody.

Why can't I just do what I want?

What do you want?

What do you want?

Don't you like me?

Boy, I never expected anything like this to happen.

Yeah, well, me, neither.

You must know I always...

Did you mean all that stuff about moving in with me?

I was just thinking out loud.

I mean, you've got this thing with Dana, and...

I'm not gonna let you fuck that up.

Yeah, but I don't know, I just...

I really need to get some sleep.

Good night.


Right. One second.

Sorry. Go ahead. We're almost done.

Hi. Yeah. No, it's excluded.

They've already paid the earnest money.

Well, let's see if they bring it up... if they notice it on the final walkthrough.

Right.

Great. Sounds good.

Yes! We did it!

Great job. Thank you.

I'm proud of you. I'll catch you guys later.

I'm going to start the paperwork.

Congratulations. Thank you. Have a seat.

So, what brings you down here?

I just really feel like I need to say something to you.

I've never said this to anyone before.

Believe me, I've...

I've stayed in horrible relationships for years... just so I wouldn't have to do this.

What are you trying to say?

Maybe it's not such a good idea that we keep going out.

It's Enid. Leave a message.

Seymour, here.

I really want to talk to you.

I've been thinking about what you said... about moving in here, and...

Yeah, so just... give me a call when you get a chance.

OK. Thanks. Bye.

Look, I'm really sorry about the other day.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

I really do want to move in with you.

Look, I don't know.

I was thinking maybe I should just live alone, you know?

I've decided to rent that place that we looked at... and I start moving in next week.

Please let me come with you. Please.

Look, I don't know. I don't think it's such a good idea.

Of course it's a good idea. It's our plan.

Yeah, but how are you going to pay rent and everything?

You don't even have a job.

I'll get a job tomorrow. I promise.

Maxine said she could get me a job at Computer Station.

Please, Becca.

Tonight, I have a very special partner-- one who is a performance artist... in sign language for the deaf.

Please welcome to the stage...

Well, here's where the fun never stops.

She could at least have the decency to call me back.

Wasted time, trying to logically figure out the female brain.

That's for sure.

Maybe she got another boyfriend.

Yeah, well, thanks for cheering me up.

Oh, God.

It's Enid. Leave a message.

Oh, come on.

Hey, look at it this way... at least things can't get any worse.

Seymour! Just the man I want to see.

Step in here for a minute.

Have a seat.

What can you tell me about this, Seymour?

So, what do you think?

It's fine.

Where's all your stuff? There.

That's all you're bringing?

No. I'm gonna pack up the rest tonight.

I'll bring it over sometime tomorrow.

What time?

I don't know. Noon?

All right, cool. Just make sure you're here by then... because we got a lot of stuff to do.

Oh, wait.

I got to show you this. It's really cool.

Isn't it great?


A smile is something special A ribbon is something rare So I'll be special, and I'll be rare With a smile and a ribbon in my hair To be a girl they notice Takes more than a fancy dress So I'll be special, and I'll be rare I'll be something beyond compare I'll be noticed because I'll wear A smile and a ribbon in my hair


What's wrong with you, retard? It's 3:30.

Oh, hi. Enid's stepmother told me that she'd be here.

She's not at home?

No, they told me that she'd be here.

Well, where the fuck is she?

She was supposed to be here three hours ago.

Do you mind if I wait? I really need to talk to her.

Are you sure she wasn't there?

I mean, maybe she was just hiding from you or something.

Why would she be hiding from me?

I don't know.

Where is she, then?

Maybe she's with Josh?

Josh? Why would she be with Josh?

I really don't know enough about it to...

But why did you say that she was hiding from me?

Did she say anything to you about me?

Yeah. She thinks you're a dork.

She said that?

What do you expect? I mean, considering how we met you...

What do you mean?

She didn't tell you about that?

What are you talking about?

On that pathetic fake blind date?

What fake blind date? What are you talking about?

Here.

Look.


Did you have a good laugh at my expense?

What do you mean?

Do you think that's funny?

Here, is that funny?

I'll show you something funny.

Hey. Damn it. Come on. Get--

Not so cool now, are you, good-looking boy?

What's going on? Call the cops, man.

Citizen's arrest. You!

Call the cops!

Get the hell out of my store!

All right. Hey, no need to get violent.

I'm outta here.


Are you OK?

You seem a little stoned. What are you on?

High on life.

Look, Seymour, I came by to tell you... how really, really sorry I am about everything.

I know you probably totally hate me.

You don't have to say--

Please. Don't say anything.

I know I'm a total disappointment to everyone.

I just quit my job this morning... and then I had a fight with Becky... because I told her I wasn't going to move in with her... and she really just wants to kill me.

And there is just no way to explain how I feel.

I don't...

I guess I'll just have to figure myself out.

Enid, I'm not mad at you.

I know I'm just a dork.

Seymour, you are not a dork.

Sure I am.

You are such a stupid idiot.

Did you even look through the rest of the book?

See?

You're like...my hero.

Thanks for waiting.

Is he going to be OK?

I think he'll be fine.

What are you going to do now?

I'm not sure.

I'd better get going. I'm going to be late for work.

Call me, OK?


I have to admit things are starting to look up for me... since my life turned to shit.

Remember what I said when we first started?

This little break-up might be... the very best thing that ever happened to you.

I think I'm ready to get back to my old life.

You think that's too soon?

Why don't we start with that next week?

Thank you.

Don't thank me.

You're doing all the work.


Is he done? Yes.

Seymour, did you have a chance... to think about what you might want for dinner... while you were in here?

No, I haven't.

Maybe we could discuss it in the car.

Did you want mashed potatoes?

See you next week.


Not so funny now, tough guy, are you, huh?

Motherfuckers!