Good Morning, Vietnam (1987) Script

MAN: To recover contents such as shoes, socks and undergarments.

And now an item of special note.

Barring any change in the weather, the softball game between the 133rd and 4th Infantry Divisions... will resume as scheduled at the Ban Mi Thout Park, corner of Viet Ho and Hguen Van Theiuh streets here in Saigon.

Please make a note of it. Ahem. Excuse me.

Those men who lost equipment in last week's rains... are asked to contact Lieutenant Sam Scheer.

Lieutenant Schneer...

Lieutenant Scheer asks those men with waterlogged mitts... to make every effort to dry them out in the sun before requesting new ones.

Bookworms, Headquarters Support Activities Saigon... operates libraries at six locations in the Republic of Vietnam.

American personnel can check out a book... in Ku Bai, Da Nang, Phung Tao, Saigon, Bien Hoa and San Treng.

If you can't stop in and select your own books, write to the HSAS Library.

Ask for the books by author, title and subject, and your selections will be mailed to you.

With the holiday season rapidly approaching, those personnel wishing to spend Christmas cards home...

Wishing to send Christmas cards home to the States... are asked to do so no later than August 13th... due to a yearly mail rush at that time.

Don't disappoint your...

[STATIC BLARING]

[PLANE ENGINE ROARING]

LEVITAN [ON RADIO]: So take your liberties, but watch the liberties you take.

Lost luggage.

The Armed Forces sincerely regrets any inconvenience... due to luggage lost on transport carriers.

Personal missing luggage...

That should be personnel missing luggage... are asked to drop a card to Major Gerald Kleiner over at the 5th.

The card should be no larger than 4-by-5 inches... and should describe the contents of your duffel.

Major Kleiner requests that you do not describe your duffel, as all duffels look alike.

Those personnel with lost bag...

MAN 1: Yeah, that's right, man. MAN 2: Hurry up, man.

MAN 3: All right.

MAN 4: Hey, sarge, where are the women?

Airman Cronauer? You got it.

Welcome to Saigon, sir.

Careful, you could put an eye out. God, it's warm, huh?

CRONAUER: Warm? No, this is a setting for London broil.

GARLICK: I'm Private First Class Edward Montesque-Garlick, at your service, sir.

CRONAUER: Well, first thing, Garlick, is you gotta requisition a new name.

GARLICK: Heh-heh-heh. I like you already, sir.

Actually, what I am, sir, is your Armed Forces Radio Saigon assistant... who's in charge of orientation and billeting of enlisted personnel... and company clerk.

CRONAUER: I'm impressed.

[ENGINE GRINDS]

It's already started. I understand.

[GARLICK LAUGHS]

["DREAM ON LITTLE DREAMER" PLAYING ON RADIO]


LEVITAN [ON RADIO]: This is AFRS, Radio Saigon.

AFRS Radio is owned and operated by the United States government... and operates on an assigned carrier frequency of 540 at 749 megahertz.

Jesus, that guy's as boring as whale shit.

Not really. See, the purpose is to inform you as to the radius of the radio waves.

Mantovani?

They play Mantovani to insomniacs who don't respond to strong drugs.

General likes easy listening. I have to inform you...

Mayday. Dragon lady with incredible figure at 11 o'clock, stop the car.

GARLICK: I can't do that, sir. CRONAUER: You don't understand.

I've been on a Greek island with women who look like Zorba.

I never thought I'd find women attractive again.

Now that I do, you won't turn the car around?

Thanks a lot. You have a very important meeting with the top brass.

There she is again. How did she get ahead of us?

GARLICK: That's another person, sir.

She's beautiful and quick. Speed up, check her stamina.

This is incredible. Oh, my God. They're quick, they're fast and small.

[CRONAUER LAUGHS]

I feel like a fox in a chicken coop.

MAN: We got a new man coming in.

Don't you understand, Dick?

DICKERSON: No, sir, frankly, I do not understand.

Would you kindly lower your tone, please?

Yes, sir. I run this show, general.

If anything screws up, it's my ass in the mower.

I deserve to be notified of any changes that are made.

Nobody's arguing that with you.

Look, I caught his show on the Isle of Crete, and this guy is funny.

I damn near busted a gut laughing at him. And the troops, they love him.

This is a tempest in a teacup. Much ado about nothing.

For crying out loud, man, this isn't brain surgery.

Don't get crazy over this, Dick. We're only talking about a damn deejay.

There is no such thing as "only" anymore. Not now, not in Saigon.

Lieutenant Steven Hauk is our immediate supervisor.

He's a little goofy, but he's okay.

Sergeant Major Dickerson, ha, that's another story altogether.

He was a commander of an elite special forces unit.

He came to us because of prostate problems... and some sort of social infection that doesn't go away.

Plus, I think he got shot in the ass, but I can't confirm that. Heh-heh-heh.

Anyway, he's the man that you don't want to aggravate.

CRONAUER: Are you always this happy?

TAYLOR: Cronauer. Sir.

At ease. I'm General Taylor.

Hi, general. Real pleasure.

Listen, if you have any problems here now, you come see me.

I'm the tallest hog in the trough around here.

Garlick, have you put on some weight? I don't think so, sir.

My son, the shadow of your ass would weigh 20 pounds.

GARLICK: I'll work on that, sir.

You're not supposed to address the general saying hi.

CRONAUER: Is that a new rule? GARLICK: No, old rule.

That's Lieutenant Hauk in there. Who's the guy with the ears?

How you doing? You could fly to Guam with those.

Um, Airman Cronauer, sir.

You know, it wouldn't kill you people to salute me once in a while.

Sorry. HAUK: Thanks.

I understand you're pretty funny as a deejay.

And, well, comedy is a kind of hobby of mine.

Well, actually, it's a little more than just a hobby.

Reader's Digest is considering publishing two of my jokes.

Really? Yeah.

And perhaps some night, we could maybe get together... and swap humourous stories for fun. CRONAUER: Yeah.

Why not? Maybe play a couple of Tennessee Ernie Ford records.

That'd be a hoot, heh.

That's a joke, right? Maybe.

I get it. CRONAUER: Mm-hm.

Where's this man's paperwork?

Right here, sergeant. Thank you, sir.

Hmm.

United States Air Force. The hat does give you away.

This is not military issue, airman. What sort of uniform is that?

Cretan camouflage.

If you wanna blend into a crowd of drunken Greeks, there's nothing better.

That is humour. I recognise that.

I also recognise your species of soldier.

I had a guy like you in the field one time. He blew himself to pieces.

But not before his humour cost the lives of three very fine individuals.

I hope... You shut your fucking hole.

You're in Southeast Asia now, pal. You got your cushy little assignment.

There's nothing I can do about that.

I n time, you will make me forget it.

You stay out of my way, there'll be no problem.

But if you toy with me, I'll burn you so bad you'll wish you died as a child.

Am I being fairly clear?

Yes, sir. Sir?

I work for a living, airman.

You will address me as Sergeant Major Dickerson.

Yes, Sergeant Major Dickerson.

He reminds me a lot of Donna Reed, especially around the eyes.

Hello, hello, hello. This is your chaplain, Captain Noel, [ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING ON TAPE]

Your radio programme of personal beliefs.

Great and manifold are our blessings today.

This great, godly miracle of radio really gives me the opportunity... to speak to you on the air.

Sir, it's time to rise.

My God, it's Mardi gras, and I'm on the main float.

Come on, sir. In a couple of weeks, this'll be easy for you.

Oh, let me go back to bed. You gotta get up, sir.

God, what time is it, Edward? It's 5:30.

Five-thirty, it's very early. I may have to hurt you.

Call me in five minutes. No, we have to get up right now.

And you have to get on the air. Oh.

Come on, sir. Fine.

MAN [ON RADIO]: Has signed Les Crane to a talk show.

GARLICK: It's just down the hall. CRONAUER: Yeah.

You must be nervous, sir, huh? I'm not even in my body.

GARLICK: Don't worry, it'll go great. This way, sir.

MAN [ON RADIO]: Despite a letter of intention. We still have a few minutes before your show begins, sir.

When it's time to read the news, you just take it off these machines here.

But regardless of what you read, airman, the Department of Defence wants final say.

So every item's checked by these two guys in here.

Guys, I'd like you to meet our new deejay, Adrian Cronauer.


That's Marty Lee Dreiwitz.

Guy Monaco.

He's impeccably clean.

This man has cleaning products shipped in from Wisconsin.

He's also one of your roommates, so if I were you, I'd think about suicide.

Sir, I really don't think that you wanna use any of those records, sir.

We have a selection right here that's prepared...

I've been looking forward to meeting you. Listen, could you do me a favour?

Can you say something funny right this minute?

I doubt it. Ha-ha-ha.

I'm with you, man. I'm on your frequency.

Hey, let me ask you a question. What is the appeal of Joey Bishop?

I mean, the man's not funny. I know funny and he's not funny.

Don't get me wrong, he seems like a nice guy, but my father's nice and he's not funny either.

Joey Bishop. I wish someone would explain this one to me.

Incidentally, you're on the air in about ten seconds.

Nine, eight, seven, six...

Hey, this has been Fiction and Fact from Marty Lee's almanac.

And now direct from Crete, welcome the silky smooth sound of Airman Adrian Cronauer.

[YELLS] Good morning, Vietnam.

Hey, this is not a test. This is rock 'n' roll.

Time to rock it from the Delta to the DMZ.

Is that me, or does that sound like an Presley movie? [IN NORMAL VOICE] Is it a little too early for being that loud? Hey, too late.

It's 0600. What's the O stand for? "Oh, my God, it's early."

Speaking of early, how about that Cro-Magnon, Marty Dreiwitz?

Thank you for "silky smooth sound." Make me sound like Peggy Lee.

"Good morning, Vietnam"? What the heck is that supposed to mean?

I don't know, lieutenant. I guess it means good morning, uh, Vietnam.

And who gave anyone permission to program modern music?

Freddie and the Dreamers.

[SONG PLAYING AT HALF-SPEED]

[SLOWLY] Wrong speed. We've got it on the wrong speed.

For those of you recovering from a hangover, that's gonna sound just right.

Let's pull her right back down. Let's try it faster, see if that picks it up.

[RAPIDLY] Let's get it up on 17, 18...

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

Those pilots are going, "I like the music, I like the music."

Oh, still a bad song. Hey, wait a minute. Let's try something.

Let's play this backwards and see if it gets any better.

[SPEAKING BACKWARDS] Freddie is the devil. Freddie is the devil.

[GASPS]

[HUMS "THE TWILIGHT ZONE" THEME SONG]

[AS ROD SERLING] Picture a man going on a journey... beyond sight and sound.

He's left Crete. He's entered the demilitarised zone.

[SCATS]

[IN NORMAL VOICE] What is this demilitarised zone?

What do they mean, police action?

CRONAUER: Sounds like a couple of cops in Brooklyn, "She looks pretty to me." Whatever it is, I like it... because it gets you on your toes better than a strong cup of cappuccino.

What is a demilitarised zone? Sounds like something out of The Wizard of Oz.

[AS GLINDA] Oh, no, don't go in there.

[SINGING IN DEEP VOICE] Oh-he-oh [AS GLINDA] Oh, look, you've landed in Saigon.

You're among the little people now. Oh, no, follow the Ho Chi Minh Trail. Follow the Ho Chi Minh Trail.

[AS WITCH] Oh, I'll get you, my pretty.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] It's the Wicked Witch of the North.

It's Hanoi Hannah.

[AS WITCH] Now, little GI, you and your little Toto too.

[CACKLES]

[AS HANOI HANNAH] Oh, Adrian, Adrian. What are you doing, Adrian?

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Hannah, you slut.

You've been down on everything but the Titanic. Stop it right now.

You know, he's really funny. You know, he's like a Marx brother.

And which Marx brother would that be, private? Zeppo?

I don't find him funny at all. Zeppo? Isn't he the one with the hat?

Hey, hi, can you help me? What's your name?

[SOLDIER] Roosevelt E. Roosevelt. [NORMAL] What town are you in?

[SOLDIER] Poontang. [NORMAL] Thank you, Roosevelt.

What's the weather like out there? [SOLDIER] It's hot, damn hot, real hot.

Hotter things is my shorts.

I could cook things in it. Crotch-pot cooking.

[NORMAL] Tell me what it feels like. [SOLDIER] Fool, it's hot.

Were you born on the sun? It's damn hot!

You can be a little... I saw... It's so damn hot.

I saw one of those guys, their orange robes, burst into flames.

It's that hot. You know?

[NORMAL] What's it gonna be like tonight? [SOLDIER] Hot and wet.

That's nice if you're with a lady, ain't no good if you're in the jungle.

[NORMAL] Here's a song coming your way right now.

"Nowhere to Run To" by Martha and the Vandellas.

Yes. Hey, you know what I mean.

["NOWHERE TO RUN TO" PLAYING]

Whew. Too much?

Thank you, Marty. "Silky smooth sounds". Get outta here.

Got to be with you on top all the time [ Shouting ] [CHANTING IN DISTINCTLY]

[ All Yelling ] That is not what we program here!

[Song Fades, Ends] CRONAUER [ON RADIO]: This is AFVN, rocking you from the Delta to the DMZ.

AFVN better than AFVD, which means you have to get a quick shot.

We're moving on right now. ["I GET AROUND" by The Beach Boys PLAYING ON RADIO] CRONAUER: Here's a riddle for you.

What's the difference between the Army and the Cub Scouts? [ Imitates Buzzer ]

Cub Scouts don't have heavy artillery.

CRONAUER: Hey, I'm Adrian Cronauer. I'm on again at 1600.

Why? Because I have to, it's the Army.

Talking out in the field today.

Hi, what's your name? [SHOUTS] Bob Fliber!

[NORMAL] Bob, what do you do? [SHOUTS] I'm in Artillery!

[NORMAL] Bob, can we play anything for you?

[SHOUTS] Anything! Just play it loud, okay? CRONAUER: I have to admit something to you.

I just came from Crete with women that look like Zorba.

Whoo! Thank you. Those...

[AS GOMER PYLE] Those girls are just so pretty.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Gomer, are you in Vietnam?

[AS GOMER PYLE] Yes, I am. Surprise, surprise, surprise.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Why'd you name your daughter Linda Bird?

[AS LYNDON JOHNSON] Linda Dog would be too cruel.

Arf! Easy, girl, easy.

Pick them up by their ears, it doesn't hurt them as much.

[AS GOMER PYLE] Oh, you're going to hell for that one!

CRONAUER [IN NORMAL VOICE]: Here's a coincidence:

Ho Chi Minh, Colonel Sanders, actually the same person?

You be the judge, our lines are open.

We've got our traffic report up there on the Ho Chi Minh Trail.

How's it going up there? Adrian, it's not going exactly well.

There's a water buffalo jackknifed up there.

It's not a very pretty picture. There's horns everywhere.

I don't know what to say. We're gonna maybe drop in a little napalm... and try and cook him down, maybe a little barbecue.

["GAME OF LOVE" PLAYING ON RADIO]

[ Helicopter Blades Whirring ] CRONAUER: We've got a special man in the audience today, it's Mr. Leo.

He's a fashion consultant for the Army.

[EFFEMINATELY] "Adiran, I'm just very happy to be here.

"I want to tell you something.

"You know, this whole camouflage thing for me doesn't work very well.

[NORMAL] Why is that? [EFFEMINATELY] "Well, because you go in the jungle, I can't see you.

"Heh, heh. You know, it's like wearing stripes and plaid.

"For me, I want to do something different.

"You go in the jungle, make a statement. If you're going to fight, clash.

You know what I mean? [AS LAWRENCE WELK] Thank you for that lovely tune.

That funky music will drive us till the dawn.

Let's go. Let's boogaloo till we puke.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] That's it for the Adrian Cron-Hour.

I'm gonna take myself out of the driver's seat, but I'm gonna turn you over right now to Mr. Excitement.

A man with limp, damaged hair, but nevertheless a fireball.

Dan Levitan!

This is AFRS, Radio Saigon, and yours truly, Dan "The Man" Levitan.

Greetings and salutations to any and all servicemen in the area... and thanks so much for joining us.

[ALL CHEERING]

All right! Yeah! Yeah! Ladies and gentlemen!

Yeah, he's funny. I know funny and this guy is funny.

Sensational!

At ease. Hell, we already are.

Just cool your tongue, airman, because I intend to take issue with your performance.

First of all, don't make fun of the weather here.

And don't say that the weather is the same all the time here, because it's not.

In fact, it's 2 degrees cooler today than yesterday.

Two degrees cooler? Me without my muff, God.

[DREIWITZ LAUGHS]

DREIWITZ: I tell you, this guy's funny. I'm trying to run a meeting here.

You know, I hate the fact that you people never salute me.

I am a lieutenant and I would like salutes occasionally.

That's what being a higher rank is all about.

Second... Second...

Programming taste. Programming taste.

Frankly, I found your "I love a police action" remark way out of line.

How can you have the gall to compare the conflict here in Vietnam... with a glass of cappuccino coffee?

Well, I was... It just comes up, I was just trying to be funny.

Funny is good. Yeah.

Funny is good.

But then do it by using comedy and humour.

Not police action and coffee remarks.

Furthermore, you are to stick to playing normal modes of music.

Not wild stuff.

Those we would find acceptable here would include Lawrence Welk, Jim Nabors, Mantovani.

Percy Faith.

Percy Faith, good. Thank you.

Andy Williams, Perry Como and certain ballads by Mr. Frank Sinatra.

Would Bob Dylan be out of line? Way, way, way out of line.

Former VP Richard Nixon will arrive here this week.

Dreiwitz, I've assigned you to cover the PC.

He likes to say PC instead of press conference.

The lieutenant loves to abbreviate... And if you do...

And if you do happen to speak with him, please be polite and to the point at all times.

Affirmative, sir.

Affirmative, sir. Good.

Okay. Who do we have slated for live entertainment in November?

Well, we originally wanted Bob Hope, but turns out he won't come.

Why not? He doesn't play police actions, just wars.

Bob likes a big room, sir.

[ALL LAUGH]

That is not funny! How about if it escalated?

How about if what escalated? The Vietnam conflict.

The Vietnam conflict?

We are not going to escalate a whole war... just so we can book a big-name comedian.

We can get Tony Bennett or Trini Lopez.

I got it. Jerry Vale. He closes the Copa on the 18th.

Is that date firm? I got it from my niece.

Come on, this is not the Catskills.

Get somebody good. Get The Beach Boys. Don't dick around.

We tried, but their agent says they're still on the beach... and they won't be off the sand till November. Ha-ha-ha! Bada-bing!

Well, didn't somebody wearing my uniform... and bearing a striking resemblance to myself... just say that that kind of music was inappropriate?

Sorry, sir. I haven't been to sleep.

The former VP will be here on Friday. GARLICK: Ha-ha-ha.

I expect every minute of the VP's PC... to be taped and broadcast within 12 hours of his arrival.

Something funny, Garlick?

Perhaps you'd like to share it with the rest of us.

No, sir. The former vice president is a delight, sir.

Excuse me, sir.

Seeing as how the VP is such a VIP, shouldn't we keep the PC on the q.t., because if it leaks to the VC, he could end up an MIA, and then we'd all be put on KP.

I would like to leave the room now. Oh, uh, yes, sir.

[ALL LAUGHING]

KIRK: Oh, what a dude.

[DREIWITZ AS HAUK] And if you do...

[ALL AS HAUK] And if you do...

Eddie Kirk here, and Ray Conniff jubilee coming up in just a few moments.

I call it a jubilee. Actually, it's a Ray Conniff featurette.

Three, maybe four, back-to-back Ray Conniff classics.


GARLICK: We're here, sir. Jimmy Wah's.

This is the place where we like to hang out, sir.

CRONAUER: Real homey, in an opium kind of way.

Earl, Earl, Earl. That's Jimmy Wah, he owns the place.

Hi, hi, hi.

Now you say hi to me, then you smile.

[IN UNISON] Hi.

Hey, you two Earl. What about couple beer?

We'd love a couple of beers, Jimmy.

CRONAUER: Either of our names Earl? He calls everybody Earl.

Is it me or is Jimmy light in the loafers?

Let me put it to you this way. He's got this thing for Walter Brennan.

He says he wants to buy naked photographs of the actor.

For three years, he's been trying. Walter Brennan?

You know, Walter Brennan from The Real McCoys, the TV show?

[AS WALTER BRENNAN] Well, well, well, Luke. Well, well.

Anyway, there's this guy from the 1st Battalion, 2nd Infantry, who swore that he could get him naked photographs of the actor.

I've been trying to tell him that it's no-go, but he won't listen.

God. Nude photographs of Walter Brennan.

Here your beer.

Thank you, Jimmy. Right.

Any movement on the Walter Brennan thing?

No, and it doesn't look good, Jimmy. He look good to me.

Ba Muy Ba beer, best beer in Vietnam. Ba Muy Ba beer, only beer in Vietnam.

Try it.

Oh, what happened? What happened?

Formaldehyde. Oh. Heh, heh.

We put in just a touch of formaldehyde for flavour.

Some people get sick, yeah.

So if you have to be rushed to a hospital, then when you return, I give you a free salad.

Well, that seems fair. It really does.

You'll get used to it. Maybe.

There she is.

Any girl who wants me this bad, I can't let her down.

The hunt is on. What is wrong?

I gotta catch her before she accelerates. WAH: You can't go yet.

You have to taste my spicy chicken... GARLICK: Sir.

Cooked with...

Hi. How's Lynn doing?

I'm sorry. You look like Lynn's friend from Toledo.

Let me make it up to you by buying a cup of coffee.

Also, tea would fall into that category.

I not think be not correct of way. Please, okay?

What'd she just say? She said no, sir.

CRONAUER: Oh, Edward, I'm in love. Think she likes seafood?

I'm... She's getting away. Edward, get the jeep, get the jeep.

Okay. It's blocked in by a truck.

Stay here, sir, I'll talk to the guys, okay? We don't have time. Taxi.

Bikes, we'll buy bikes. We won't buy bikes.

There's actually no rubber on these tyres.

Oh, picky, picky. Let's go, Edward. Yeah, the chase.

[BICYCLE BELL RINGING]

Sir! Sir, we have to get some dignity here.

A little dignity!

Sir! Sir, I tell you, this is not safe!

Sir!

Sir, sir!


[TRUCK HORN HONKING]


Good afternoon, class. STUDENTS: Good afternoon, Mr. Sloan.

SLOAN: Last time, in our last class, we read Chapter 3.

Should've gotten the one with the training wheels, pal.

I was almost killed.

A truck's bumper was this far from my nose.

My whole life passed before my eyes, and it wasn't even interesting to me.

How am I gonna get to first base with this girl?

SLOAN: I want to buy some butter and some cheese, please.

It zoomed right by, just the way they say it does.

Stamp collections, pulling chickweed from my dad's dichondra plants.

Arranging rakes by sizes for my mom in the garage.

Even encapsulated in two seconds, my life is dull.

I find that very alarming. Edward, stay with me on this.

How am I gonna get this girl to go out with me?

You're not. This is a very different culture.

You would need very specific family-sanctioned introductions in order to talk to this girl... CRONAUER: Shh! Listen.

It read-- read for my... the book. I've never heard rhymes like that.

God, I've gotta be with her, at least till she learns my name.

You think the teacher would be able to date her? Possibly.

But you would need very... That's just what I wanted to hear. specific... introductions.

SLOAN: What we're gonna talk about today is shopping.

Shopping for dinner and the things you buy during, uh...

In your shopping trip.

Specifically... Excuse me.

Can I help you? Yes.

Yes, I have two months to live and I would like to teach before I die.

I don't think you understand me, Sparky. Ahem.

It's all yours, you got it.

Hello, class. My name is Adrian Cronauer.

And I'd like to get to know all of you... by having you write down your name, address, your home and work phone on paper, and passing it forward.

Sergeant Sloan our teacher. You're not supposed to be in here.

I was sent here on very strict orders from a colonel.

First thing I'd like to know is what subject this is.

Is it English? CRONAUER: Yes, it is.

And how lucky for me. Thank you very much for playing.

Now, let's start off with the fact that English is a fantastic language.

Let's try a little phrase, uh, I like to call:

"My boyfriend's back and there's gonna be trouble.

"Hey, nah, hey, nah, my boyfriend's back." Can we try that one?

Can we try, "My boyfriend's back"? Anybody?

She's not for you.

Why do I feel like the miracle worker up here? Uhh--Uhh--

[MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY AS HELEN KELLER]

GARLICK: This is a nightmare. CRONAUER: I don't know dick.

Even saying that means I don't know dick.

I can't really teach English. That's what Sgt. Sloan's going to do when he comes back.

I can only tell you how you can talk on, maybe, the real streets of America.

If you're walking on the streets of New York and someone says, [FLATLY] "Hey, excuse me.

"I would like to buy some cheese and some butter."

[IN NORMAL VOICE] No. No, come on.

Basically, we talk, "Hey, man, what's happening?

"You look hip today. Slip me some skin."

If someone in America comes up and says, "Slip me some skin," don't be afraid.

They're not a leper, they're not gonna go-- [Grunting]

No, it means like, "Hey, baby, slip me some skin."

It's a greeting. It's like, "How are you doing? Slip me some skin."

Here's how you do it, "Slip me some skin." Put your hand out there.

Then you go. "Yeah, there's some skin." Now you do it to me.

Yeah, now, then you say, "Groovy, yeah."

Say that.

MAN: Groovy. Yes.

[STUDENTS LAUGH]

Baby.

If something's really nice, you say it's groovy.

Doesn't mean you're like going like, "yo-o-o!"

No, it means groovy. Try that one.

Say, "Hey, baby, what's happening? Let's groove."

Hey, baby, what's happening? Let's groove.

[BELL RINGS]

See you later. Mr. Cronauer, I really liking you.

Well, I'm liking you too. Thank you.

You teac, uh, uh, American thing okay. CRONAUER: Okay.

Play game of softball.

Okay, yeah, well, we'll try and do that if we get the equipment.

You forget the girl. Oh, I'll let her say no.

She's say no. That's what walking away from you means.

I'm interested in the girl, not in you playing "Dear Abby."

I know because she's my sister.

I would, however, love to buy you lunch, maybe look at a family album.

Come on. I not like you, sir.

Why not? I got a great personality, you ask anybody.

You phoney, like American and French before you.

Here to get something, leaving when you not get it.

You come into my class, so maybe we like you.

You come for the girl, you get her, you go.

Okay, Sherlock, yeah, I bribed my way to meet the girl.

You got me, bang. But, hey, I like the class, so I'm gonna stay.

Let's be friends, okay? Come on.

Come on, come on. You like me because of my sister.

No, I like you because you're honest. Because you're shorter than I am.

We look like a before and after picture. Come on, let me buy you a beer.

Sometimes your face look like a fish in the Gulf of Thailand.

That's true, it's very true. That's an insult, isn't it?

TUAN: You can buy me lunch, but please forget about my sister.

I know Americans.

You see a girl with the type breasts they like and they put her in a fancy car, and they buy her some expensive food, and then lie about money.

And then try and take her into a bed.

CRONAUER: So, what's wrong with that? TUAN: It's more devout here.

CRONAUER: Any food on this street that doesn't give you diarrhoea?

TUAN: You wanting some?

What the hell is this?

Oh, she pour nuoc mam noodle soup with fish ball.

Didn't know they had balls.

Eat.

Eat.

I can't, it's still paddling.

No, it okay. I not tell you okay otherwise.

You like it.

You see? You don't trusting me.

I trust you, man, it's just that I can't eat something that looks like a cesspool.

You mad I not trust you, but true, you not trust me.

You want be my friend, you trusting me. You would eat it.

Hey, I'll be... I wanna be your pal. Here, okay, I'll eat it.

Dig in. Mm-mm.

Jeez! Shit! God. Oh, hot.

My... Ow. Shit.

This stuff is burning the hair off my feet. Hot?

No, hot? No, it's fucking great.

[COUGHS]

She say it's a little spicy. A little, yeah.

Isn't that funny? You like that too?

A little of this: Whoo-whoo-whoo.

She likes the Three Stooges. [AS CURLY] Hey, Moe, hey, Moe.

Oh, me like that you're silly.

You old enough for this place? I think so.

Hi, Earl, good to see you again.

Look at the new friend. A little too young for you.

I want to show you something very nice.

Oh, really? It look wonderful.

I can confide you? Sure.

Look at the shape of that soldier ankle, the way it so elegantly curve into his boot.

Help me get some photo of those ankle, I give you my bar.

You're a very sick man. You know that, don't you?

Thank you.

Oh, God.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the new voice of Saigon, Adrian Cronauer.

Cronauer!

Not enough for the car, yeah.

What happened to the girl? CRONAUER: It didn't work out.

I wanna introduce you to someone right now from my English class.

This is Tuan, the guys.

Hey, Tuan. How you doing?

Guys, Tuan. Have a seat, man.

Pull up a floor here. Hi, Tuan, long time no "twee". Ba-dum.

Terrible, that's terrible. Those are gorgeous gals.

I've... I'll never have them.

I've wanted girls like that, but I've had trouble as a young child.

Who the hell gets laid as a young child? And stop calling them gals.

Cowgirls are called gals.

Those are gorgeous French-Vietnamese B-girls.

Don't ruin it by conjuring up images of Dale Evans, all right?

Can you believe the shape of those gals?

Girls!

Shape of the blue.

No, those behinds were designed... by a Jewish scientist in Switzerland, Dr. Feintush.

Dr. Heimlich Feintush.

We're trying to meet them, but nobody can come up with any good lines.

Wait a minute, try this one, try this one.

Oh, girls, girls, come on over. Your loss.

Pardon me, girls?

Excuse me, girls. Hello, hello.

Come on, yes. Say, we're not supposed to fraternise with these girls.

It says so in the memo.

No fraternising with these girls in the memo.

Forget memos, forget memos. These are pretty women coming. KIRK: It's working. McPHERSON: Oh, yeah, this way, please.

CRONAUER: Thank you. Hey.

Hello, I'm William Holden. KIRK: Right here.

This way, this way.

CRONAUER: Merry Christmas. McPHERSON: Bingo.

CRONAUER: Merry Christmas. If you believe in Santa...

How come I don't get one?

Dan Levitan. You've probably heard my radio show.

WOMAN: Hi. LEVITAN: What's your name?

LEVITAN: My name is Levitan. Can you say that?

SERGEANT: Who brought in the gook?

LEVITAN: Levitan. WOMAN: Levitan.

I said, who brought in the fucking gook?

WOMAN: Levitan.

WOMAN: I love you.

CRONAUER: A khaki eclipse. TUAN: I better go now.

That's all right. I did.

Hey, come on now, if you kick out the gooks, you have to kick out the Chinks, spics, spooks and kikes, and all that's gonna be left in here are a couple of brain-dead rednecks, and what fun would that be?

Now is when I stop talking.

Come on, let me buy you a couple of beers. How about it?

Are you crazy? I might...

Shut up! Okay.

SERGEANT: Get him out of here.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey, hey, come on now.

You gotta prove something, knocking around Vietnamese kids?

This is a GI bar. We don't like gooks. We don't want him here.

You just get him out!

Everybody say "gook," but it's all right.

Jump in any time, okay? We're there.

I gotta tell you something, you know.

I've been all around the world, seen a lot of places and a lot of people.

I have never ever, in my travels, come across a man as large as you... with as much muscles, who has absolutely no penis.

He mean that as compliment.

Oh, shit.

That's it for you, asshole.

Call police, quick.

MAN 1: Hey, hey, man, hey! MAN 2: Get him.

Talk.

These two were physically abusing a Vietnamese national.

I thought since we were here to... So you start a brawl.

Turn the place upside down. Real intelligent solution.

Do you have any idea how ridiculous it makes me look... to have a man under my command start a fucking bar brawl?

You're not gonna last long here, pal. You can always send me back to Crete.

Oh, you think this is a joke?

I can come up with alternatives other than Crete.

I'm real good at stuff like that.

I got people stuck in places they haven't even considered how to get out of yet.

You don't think I can come up with something good?

Can you envision some fairly unattractive alternatives?

Not without slides.

A bar brawl, that's one, Cronauer.

You better stay cool. You better not get involved in anything.

You better not even come within range of anything that happens, or your ass is grass and I'm a lawnmower.

Am I being fairly clear? Yes, sir.

Sir? Do you see anything on this uniform indicating an officer?

What does three up and three down mean to you, airman?

End of an inning.

Sergeant major.

Now, you get the hell out of here right now.

[DREIWITZ SCATTING REVEILLE]

CRONAUER: Jesus, enough.

Please, I'm... Bag it!

Wake up, Mr. Sleepy Head. You are late.

Gentlemen, what can I say but hiya.

Hiya.

Hiya.

Okay, which one of you guys is throwing his voice?

Oh, censor, censor, censor.

Join the Army and mark things.

Hey, what kind of news are you leaving me there?

"Nixon, Singapore, Lake Erie." Come on.

Come on, you're on in like two seconds.

It's time for Adrian Cronauer.

[YELLS] Good morning, Vietnam!

Hello, campers. Remember, Monday is malaria day.

Time to take that big orange pill... and get ready for the Ho Chi Minh two-step.

We're back. Here's the news.

All the news that's new and approved by the U.S. Army, the sweetest-smelling army in the world.

[MIMICS TELETYPE MACHINE]

"Great Britain recognised the island state of Singapore."

How do you recognise an island?

You go, "Hey, wait. No, don't tell me, wait, wait.

"Didn't we meet last year at the Feinman bar mitzvah?

"You look a lot like Hawaii.

"Didn't we meet last year at the Peninsula Club?"

"No. Pope Paul VI celebrated a Mass in Italian."

Call me crazy, he's in Rome.

One day I want to meet hem , kiss his ring and have it go:

[WHISTLES] Whrrr!

"The Mississippi River broke through a protective dike today."

What is a protective dike?

A large woman by the river going, [IN DEEP VOICE] "Don't go near there"?

Don't go near there. Get away from the river, stay away.

[NORMAL] I know we can't use "dyke." You can't even say "lesbian."

It's "women in comfortable shoes." Thank you.

Here's the weather. We're gonna go to Roosevelt E. Roosevelt.

Roosevelt, how's it going?

[SOLDIER] "Adrian, I'm with somebody. Don't come bother me right now."

[NORMAL] Can't you give us weather?

[SOLDIER] "Not now. I'm trying to score, back off!"

[NORMAL] What's the weather like? [SOLDIER] "You got a window? Open it."

[NORMAL] We'll go to someone else for the weather.

We have to go all the way to Washington to Weather Central to Walter Cronkite.

Walter, what's the weather like?

[Imitating WALTER CRONKITE] I want to begin by saying to Roosevelt E. Roosevelt, what it is, what it shall be, what it was.

Weather out there today is hot and shitty... with continued hot and shitty in the afternoon.

Tomorrow a chance of continued crappy... with a pissy weather front coming down from the north.

CRONAUER: Basically, it's hotter than a snake's ass in a waggon round up.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] We're gonna hit some songs at you now.

Coming your way!

What the hell was that? Crappy weather, shitty weather?

Comedy, sir. Comedy?

No, no. This is not comedy. Comedy is fun.

It's antics, hysterical-type things. Hysterical-type things?

Airman Cronauer requesting you to elaborate.

Antics, damn it. Comedy of errors, like the Keystone Kops falling down.

General wackiness like that. Falling down, that's a sight gag.

How would anyone see you fall? No, no, no. Not literally falling down.

McPHERSON: Wouldn't work on radio, sir. See, sir?

What I mean is in the spirit of the Keystone cops.

Sir, it wouldn't work, I don't think.

I don't think anybody would see you fall through a radio, sir.

I-If a field radio...

What are you doing here?

I thought I'd come and help smooth... Don't help and don't smooth.

And you.

You are not funny.

But you are a maniac, and you'd better start changing your life.

CRONAUER: Sir?

Thank you for that constructive criticism.

It's a privilege to take comedy notes from a man of your stature.

Fine.

Just don't let it happen again.

[SIGHS]

I n the dictionary, under "asshole," it says, "See him."

Why am I here?

We're gonna play some music for you right now. Here we go.

Here's a little James Brown coming your way.

Baby, help me, please.

["I GOT YOU (I FEEL GOOD)" PLAYING ON RADIO]

[SCREAMS]

[AS JAMES BROWN] Back again.

[LAUGHS] [SCREAMS]

Tell them, James. Hurt them now. Ha, ha.

Good God, help me. Work through it. Ow!

Oh, sir, Walter Cronkite lives in New Jersey.

It was a joke, sir. Yes.

Sarcasm, sir. Up in Bergen County.

KIRK: That's a form of humour, sir. LEVITAN: Hackensack.

KIRK: Yes, sir. LEVITAN: How do I know?

I'll make sure he gets the message.

KIRK: We're happy with him too, sir.

Yes, sir. I'm sure that wasn't Walter Cronkite.

KIRK: I will tell him, sir. Didn't I speak to you before?

Okay, sir, thank you.

CRONAUER: Very good. All right, now. All right, let's recap now, okay.

If someone is not telling the truth, you say that they are full of...

STUDENTS [IN UNISON]: Shit. MAN: Shit.

Okay, if someone is making you angrier and angrier, therefore, you have...

STUDENTS [IN UNISON]: Pissed me off. MAN: Pissed me off.

Okay, join the others if you can. All right, let's see.

If you say that, hey, some people in a car, some gypsies, they cut you off.

All of a sudden you...

STUDENTS: Flip them the bird. A bird.

Very good. Okay, now we got a special situation right now.

There's a Puerto Rican waitress.

She comes over, brings you a red soup. She's got some tomato soup.

Oh, she slips, she spills it on your brand-new gabardine pants... that you paid more than a coloured TV for.

You're a little angry, so you say to her... Minh?

Uh, look what you did.

And goddamn it and stupid and crap.

That's stupid, you don't call someone crap.

No, you step on crap. You don't call it to a person.

You can step on crap. I know you can. Yes, but they can be full of shit, he said.

No, no, you see, you step in shit, you can be full of crap.

I'm pretty sure you can step on crap. I once saw it in a French movie.

How can some person look like a shit?

It impossible. CRONAUER: Let's stop with that.

We can stop with the debate on the great caca right now.

Let's try a very special situation. Wilkie, something special, okay?

You go into a restaurant, okay? A waitress comes up to you.

You're wearing your best new suit.

She comes up, she spills soup all over you, looks at you like, "I'm sorry. What're you gonna do about it, asshole?"

What do you say to her? What would you say?

They spilled something on your pants, what would you do?

I do nothing.

Come on, Wilkie, it's cursing class.

You're getting pissed off. What would you do?

I just remain reticent.

Okay, she goes in the kitchen, she gets a knife, she starts stabbing you.

She's stabbing you. She's putting forks in you.

She's got spoons in your eyes, Will.

They're starting to cut you with knives, putting spoons in your eyes.

What would you do, Will? What would you do?

I'm waiting to die.

Mr. Cronauer, we like your lessons better than the book's.

Soon we play baseball? When you teaching us softball?

We have to have training. When I think you're ready, I'll try.

Where are you come from? Queens. Bayside, Queens.

What are queens? Tall, thin men who like show tunes.

No? Big men with moustaches named Mary who wear mascara.

[SPEAKS IN VIETNAMESE] [ All Laughing ]

Yeah, lakai!

Lakai! [SPEAKS IN VIETNAMESE]

What is a lakai?

Relax already, crazy American.

I made a date with you and Trinh tomorrow.

You did? Nearby the larch tree, near Viet Hoa.

By the food and flower vendors where you burn your mouth on the noodles.

Where's that? The noodles, remember?

When you burn your mouth. Oh, gosh, yeah.

But I warn you, you not like it when you get there.

You say it ridiculous.

Why? That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

Hi. [ Together ] Hi!

Oh, God, this could be very ugly. Hi. [ Chattering In Vietnamese ]

Hi. [ Baby Crying ]

Chaperons.

In Vietnam, family often come to meet someone-- to meet someone.

Hello, hey. Well, the gang's all here, huh? Ha, ha.

Oh, God, help me. This is wonderful.

Well, you know, you're very beautiful.

And you're also very quiet.

And I'm not used to girls being that quiet unless they're medicated.

I go out with girls who talk so much you can hook them up to a wind turbine... and they could power a small New Hampshire town.

You talk, I think, very much.

Well, you see, I'm not used to going on a date with a grand jury, and it makes me a little nervous.

I don't want makes you nervous, Cronauer.

I know you very nice.

And for trusting, you is the best of the gently of what you say... of never to be for both the same and another.

Well, I had you there, babe, but then you lost me at the end.

Hey, hey. Hey, Uncle Phil.

Here you go, there you go. Hey, got one? For you.

Hey, there we go, for you. Here we go, for you all.

Knock yourselves out.

What's one-thirteenth of a dollar among friends? Come on.

No problem.

They're having a great...

Uh...

Hey, listen, I know there's no way.

But it doesn't mean we can't have a few laughs.

Hey, I'll take whatever you can give because I'm just happy to be with you.

You want to see a movie or something?

We must to ask the people. Hey, it's no problem.

Attention, shoppers. People, people, settle.

CRONAUER: "Under the Boardwalk," you know that one?

"Shout" by the Isley Brothers, you know that?

You know any American songs at all? "Puff the Magic Dragon."

You know "Puff the Magic Dragon"? Will you sing it?

[SINGING] Puff, the Magic Dragon Living by the tree That's wonderful.

Hey, 12, please. Um...

[BOTH SPEAK IN VIETNAMESE] [DUBBED IN VIETNAMESE]

My thoughts exactly. Why can't I read this? It's what's going on here now.

They'd never approve of that being released.

That's censorship, Edward. That's not what America's all about.

We're not in America, sir.

Can we please not get into this right now? You're in the middle of a show.

You could put amphetamine freaks to sleep with this shit.

"Got an agreement on Guam." Sounds like bird droppings.

Here's something exciting:

"Hubert Humphrey visits Capitol Hill." A children's story.

I'm reading this. No, I can't let you do that.

Edward, don't you ever do anything that's not by the book?

Not when I get into trouble. No, I don't.

Eddie, sometimes you got to go out of your way to get into trouble.

It's called fun. What's that? Come on.

Take some chances once in a while, Edward. That's what life's all about.

Find anything? No, I'll have to make something up.

Hey, we're back.

That last two seconds of silence was Marcel Marceau's newest single:

"Walkin' in the Wind."

And now here are the headlines.

[MIMICS TELETYPE MACHINE]

Here they come at you right now.

Pope actually found to be Jewish, Liberace is Anastasia, and Ethel Merman jams Russian radar.

The East Germans today claimed that the Berlin Wall was a fraternity prank.

Also, the pope decided today to release Vatican-related bath products.

An incredible thing. Yes, it's the new Pope-on-a-Rope.

That's right, Pope-on-a-Rope.

Wash with it, go straight to heaven. Thank you.

Ethel Merman today uses a test to jam Russian radar.

Here's a brief test of that jamming. When asked for a reply, the Russians went, [IN RUSSIAN ACCENT] "What the hell was that?"

[MIMICS TELETYPE MACHINE]

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Here's a news flash:

Today, President Lyndon Johnson passed a highway beautification bill.

The bill basically said that his daughters... could not drive in a convertible on highways.

Hey, we got a great show coming your way today.

Former Vice President Richard Nixon's in town.

That's right, the big Dick is here. Get ready.

I think there's an incredible coincidence here.

I think he sounds exactly like Mister Ed. You be the judge.

[AS NIXON] I tell you this. [NORMAL] Now, listen.

[AS MISTER ED] Wilbur, come in the room.

An incredible coincidence, some more songs.

Moving on, moving on into the dawn with the dawn-busters, yeah.

["IT'S ALL RIGHT" PLAYING ON RADIO] The requests will be taken pretty soon. Requests?

Where am I gonna take requests? Where can you call from?

[SOLDIER] "Yeah, I'm in a phone booth out in the DMZ.

I'm trying to call you right now."

[IN VIETNAMESE ACCENT] Lock 'n' loll, baby.

Lock 'n' loll. Believe!


Again, we've got our friend from military intelligence.

Can you tell us what you've found out about the enemy since you've been here?

[SLOWLY] We found out that we can't find them. They're out there, and we're having a major difficulty in finding the enemy.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Well, what do you use to look for them?

[SLOWLY] Well, we ask people, "Are you the enemy?"

And whoever says yes, we shoot them.

It's very difficult to find a Vietnamese man named Charlie.

They're all named Nyugen or Doh or things like that. It's very difficult for me. [IN NORMAL VOICE] Is it true that you've actually, um...?

You're actually too close to some of the nerve agents they were testing?

[SLOWLY] Nerve gas?

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Yes, have you used any?

[SLOWLY] Well, once, yes, on myself. And it had no...

[SCREAMS] Whoa! Whoa!

No effect on me.

I've had no actual...

[SCREAMS THEN SPEAKS GI BBERISH] Whoa! She-hoo!

Whoa! Whoa! Big dogs! Big dogs landing on my face!

I don't know what that means.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Hey, that's it for me. That's the end of the Adrian Cron-Hour, but I'm gonna turn you over right now to Mr. Warmth, Dan "The Tan" Levitan!

Ha, ha. Thank you so much, Adrian.

Adrian Cronauer, GIs, a wacky and welcome addition... to AFRS, Radio Saigon. Nixon's press conference.

Well, wait till you hear it. He's this far from sincerity.

Oh, no, man, listen. Let me just feed my face.

Just a moment, come on.

Where do you imagine you're going? Just gonna get a little something to eat.

You don't have time.

You'll stay here and drink instant beverage or something.

We promised our listening audience Nixon highlights by 4 p.m.

I've been on the air for four hours. I'm a little hungry.

That's a joke, right? I get it.

No, I'm actually hungry.

Well, I'm actually giving you an order.

Oh, it's an order. In that case, gentlemen, let's edit.

Thank you. Mm-mm. Campbell's.

Aha! Ha! Earl, oh, you again. No more fighting, okay?

Oh, you got it. James, nice, shiny green suit.

You look like an Oriental leprechaun.

You like it? I got it in Hong Kong, home of the shiny green suit.

NIXON [OVER RADIO]: There is no place for neutrality... or a neutralist sentiment in South Vietnam.

As I leave Vietnam today there is no doubt, certainly, in my mind...

Hey. That's Nixon.

NIXON [ON RADIO]: Whether the Vietcong will be defeated, NIXON [ON TAPE]: And that this war will be won.

Mission does involve... I think very appropriately, As you have suggested, give and take.

CRONAUER [ON TAPE]: Well, I really didn't make that suggestion, sir. I'm sorry.

NIXON [ON RADIO]: The United States has no right to give.

Why would Cronauer's voice be on this tape?

I don't know, lieutenant.

NIXON: ...its territory to the Communists.

CRONAUER: Mr. Nixon, thank you for that concise political commentary, but I'd like to delve into something slightly more personal... for the men in the field.

How would you describe your testicles?

NIXON: They're soft, they're shallow... and they have no purpose. Oh, my God.

CRONAUER: What are you saying, sir? Oh, my God.

NIXON: They lack the physical strength.

CRONAUER: How would you describe your sex life with your wife, Pat?

NIXON [ON RADIO]: Uh, it is unexciting sometimes.

CRONAUER: Well, have you considered a sex change?

There is an operation that can transform you...

Please don't do this to me. CRONAUER: into a female Great Dane...

Please don't do this. or a very well-hung Chihuahua.

Mr. Nixon, while you've been in Vietnam, it's rumoured that you smoked marijuana.

Are you planning, sir, to take some of the marijuana back to the United States?

How would you do that?

NIXON [ON TAPE]: By plane, by helicopter and also by automobile.

CRONAUER: I was wondering if you could do your Mister Ed, because...

Cut that thing off. I said cut it off!

GARLICK: Sir.

Where is Cronauer? DREIWITZ: Still eating, sir.

I want to see him ASAP.

What, sir?

As soon as possible. VG, sir.

We interrupt this broadcast to bring you an emergency selection... of the Benny Goodman Orchestra.

HAUK: We simply need to consider taking him off the air.

TAYLOR: Lieutenant, we get hundreds, maybe thousands of calls and letters each week, fan mail.

He's the first man in the history of Armed Forces Radio to get fan mail.

Every GI in this country is glued to his radio twice a day... at 0600 hours and 1600 hours to hear that lunatic.

Sir, the man has got an irreverent tendency.

He did a very off-colour parody of former VP Nixon.

I thought it was hilarious.

Respectfully, sir, the former VP is a good man and a decent man.

Bullshit! I know Nixon personally.

He lugs a trainload of shit behind him that would fertilise the Sinai.

I wouldn't buy an apple from the son of a bitch, and I consider him a good, close personal friend.

Let's get down to business here, general. What is going on here?

We've got a mounting crisis in this country.

We've got a deejay that the men dearly love.

If you two have personal problems, solve them, will you?

Thank you, lieutenant.

Thank you, lieutenant.

Speak your piece, Dick.

Due respect, sir.

I have over 15 years command experience in this Army.

Do you really expect me to run this radio station... with nothing to say and no way to do it?

Right now, yes.

Yes, sir.

DICKERSON: This is not over yet.

Why you still here?

Sparky. Sitting back, having a cup of formaldehyde.

You say after you go out with Trinh, you meet me to talk about her.

Nothing to discuss, she doesn't like me. Yes, she do.

No, she don't. She do liking you.

She want to meet you today. She's not far from here.

I can't, I gotta be back on the air... You have to meet her today.

Otherwise, you miss your big chance. I don't wanna miss my big chance.

Yes, come, we go.

Sound like you learned English from Tonto. "We go."

TUAN: Come on. Okay.

I still can't believe she really wants to see me.

Yeah.

I guess that beach movie really impressed her, huh?

I gotta get her something.

What about bananas? No.

No, that doesn't say the right thing. You're right. How about...?

[WOMAN SCREAMING]

MAN: Oh, my God!

[SIREN WAILING]

[WOMAN CRYING]

God!

[SOLDIER BLOWS WHISTLE]

DISPATCHER [OVER RADIO]: Four-twenty-seven as far as...

Oh, my bar! Why? Who do that?

MP 1: Get back.

MP 2: Dead.

CRONAUER: You can't just leave them. This boy's gone, soldier.

MAN: Let's go. MP 1: Come on, get back.

Get back.

DISPATCHER [OVER RADIO]: Fire 4, there's a fire in the landing... on the outside of the building.

Hey, where's he going?

What do you think you're doing?

You know you're forbidden to read anything not checked.

What? I was there. Airman, you know the rules.

If this is legitimate, it must go through proper channels.

Listen, it's an actual event. Where do you think this came from shaving?

It's the truth. I just wanna report the truth. It'd be a nice change of pace.

What's going on here? Sir, will you listen to me?

Not official news. Far as I'm concerned, it didn't happen.

It did happen... You shut your mouth.

What are you afraid of? People might find out there's a war?

This news is not official, airman.

You want everyone going under the assumption it's safe here. It's not.

The fighting's not in the hills. It's downtown...

I said it is none of your goddamn business!

I see your point.

I'm sorry.

I guess I get inside, hit these air conditioners. I get a little dizzy.

Thanks for setting me straight.

It'll be okay.

DREIWITZ: ... Coming up at the top of the hour.

That about wraps it up for me, Marty Lee, filling in for my buddy, vacationing Eddie Kirk, who, despite all your requests, will return tomorrow.

Right now, it's once again time for the King Kong of Saigon, Adrian Cronauer.

[YELLS] Good morning, Vietnam!

Hey, I know it's not the morning, but that's my trademark... and "good evening" sounds too depressing.

Hey, we're going right now to the news.

[MIMICS TELETYPE MACHINE]

From England, today, Princess Margaret threw a shoe.

Easy, Madge.

Also Elizab... Queen Elizabeth, Liz...

Elizabeth Taylor! Elizabeth Taylor.

She's still married after six months.

Way to go, Liz. Hey! [ Squealing ]

All right! In Saigon today, according to official sources, nothing actually happened.

One thing that didn't officially happen was a bomb didn't explode at 1430 hours, unofficially destroying Jimmy Wah's Café.

Get him out of there. Three men were unofficially wounded.

And two men whose identities are still not known were unofficially dead.

Break the goddamn door down. CRONAUER: Although the police, ambulance... at this present moment.

Turn the power off in that studio.

McPHERSON: It's... Turn it off, now!

I just wanted to think that you should...


DICKERSON: The man should be court-martialled.

You think this is the most serious set of affairs I have to address this week? It's not.

I can't believe you're gonna pass on this. The man is a goddamn subversive.

TAYLOR: He made a mistake. DICKERSON: Mistake, sir?

I don't wanna be around when he broadcasts U.S. Troop movements.

I run the station according to strict guidelines set by military intelligence.

Military intelligence? There's a contradiction in terms.

Sir, the man is a walking keg of dynamite.

In the eight weeks he's been on the air, general, he's disobeyed orders as to style and content.

He's read unofficial news. What's he gonna be like in six months?

What's he gonna be like when he's ten times as popular, general?

How easy is it gonna be to get him off the air then?

CRONAUER: Who will do the Cronauer show?

Well, Hauk can do it, sir, till I find a replacement.

Okay, for now, suspend him.

Sir, you've made the correct choice.

[AS ED SULLIVAN] Here she is, Diana Ross and the Suprawns. [AS ED SULLIVAN] Thank you very much. Let me introduce the members of the band.

Larry, Pisces. Thank you very much.

[SPEAKS IN VIETNAMESE]

What'd he say? TUAN: He say you drink too much already.

Well, tell him I drink so I can be this funny.

[BOTH SPEAK IN VIETNAMESE]

TUAN: It's not funny at all, he said.

Tell him, thanks. It's nice to bomb in another language.

You will sick if you drink some more. Come on.

My village not too far from here. You could come there for resting.

You could see how we live.

Listen, Sparky, I don't think seeing your little production of Our Town is gonna cheer me up.

You see Trinh there. I'll drive.

Red leather, yellow leather, red leather.

Red leather, yellow leather. Red leather...

Sir, sir, reading the news is one thing, but this stuff you wrote, it's not funny, sir. It's sad.

Sir, I'm begging you.

Don't try to do comedy. It's not in your blood.

I'll do fine. Comedy is what you make it.

I've got pages and pages of great material.

Right, Abersold?

I'm afraid you're gonna be hitting bottom, sir.

If it isn't funny, then why did I hear you laughing when you typed it?

I was thinking of something else.

Thank you for your support. Now I've got a show to do.

Sir, you're not funny. Ask around. Ask me.

Sir, with all due respect, I think you're gonna...

You might lay an egg. I mean, a big egg.

I mean, I know funny, and I don't think you're it.

But, hey, such is life. Me, I'm not much with power tools.

Hey, that was the great exciting sound of Petula Clark.

Beach Boys. Those were guys. Of the Beach Boys.

Hey, that wraps it up for me, Marty Lee Dreiwitz.

Adrian Cronauer is on temporary assignment, but, boy, do I have a surprise for you.

Don't build him up. You'll let them down.

DREIWITZ: Please welcome to the microphone, the lieutenant of laughs, the officer of oral, the Westmoreland of wit, swinging Steven Hauk.

Hello, Vietnam, and greetings.

Soon, the news. Then...

[IN BAD FRENCH ACCENT] Lieutenant Steve, Lieutenant Steve?

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Who's that? [AS FRENCHY] It's your old pal Frenchy.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Listen, Frenchy, let me ask you, do you like good food?

[AS FRENCHY] Oh, but of course, the French love good food.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Well, then I guess that would make you an Eydie Gorme.

[BICYCLE HORN HONKS]

[AS FRENCHY] Oh, Lieutenant Steve.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Oh, Frenchy.

[AS FRENCHY] Oh, Lieutenant Steve.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Frenchy... You know, I really shouldn't kid Frenchy, because sometimes he "Stan Getz"...

[BICYCLE HORN HONKS] mad at me, and he could "Al Hirt" me.

[BICYCLE HORN HONKS]

[AS FRENCHY] Lieutenant Steve, let's play some music.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Okay, Frenchy, what would you like to hear?

[AS FRENCHY] Well, uh, I love a good polka as much as the next man.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Well, a good polka it is... for my good friend Frenchy.

[POLKA MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]

I think some apologies are in order.

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

You're not gonna continue this broadcast, are you, sir?


CRONAUER: What are they doing? Oh, they're Buddhists.

They're sitting for peace, wisdom and knowledge.

They're waiting for enlightenment.

[OXEN MOO]

This man lose one son from blasting American mine.

His father and brother was killed by French long ago.

I think that's not fair to him.

[RELATIVES SPEAKING IN VIETNAMESE]


[BABY CRYING]

CRONAUER: Look.

He's going, no big deal. Look.

[SINGING NONSENSE] How lovin' can you feel when you got that moment when Don't you know that the time can be thataway, wacka-wack wacka-wack, wacka-wack And don't you know that it ain't gonna be and you feel that the time you see And it all wacka-wack wacka-wacka, wacka-wacka I know and I'm movin' Look.

Look, up there. Pull.

[MIMICS GUNSHOT] Pow.

Pull.

[MIMICS ENGINE]

You not understand, you not.

We... no future together, Cronauer.

My country maybe no future.

Hey, I like you. I just wanna be your friend, okay?

I know it sounds dumb. Mmm, I... I not can do this, Cronauer.

No. No friend, Cronauer.

Not good for, for me.

My brother, okay, friends, but Vietnam ladies, not friends.

Please, okay?

Okay.

Not friends. Of course.

Great week.


SERGEANT: Move out. Go.

Get off. Go, go, go.

That's about as good a polka as you'll ever hear.

No, I don't think that Cronauer is going to be back in the air, sir.

You want Cronauer back on the air. You want him back?

We want Cronauer...

We've gotten duffel bags filled with information... asking for Cronauer's reinstatement.

The men all hate Hauk. They want Cronauer back.

He's an exhilarating personality, and polkas are just no substitute.

I think that I see a pattern forming here.

Sir, these letters are unequivocal.

E.g., "Hey, Hauk, eat a bag of shit. You suck."

That's pretty much to the point, sir. Not much grey area in this one.

GARLICK: We got one call from some guy in Wichita... who thought Hauk was visionary and interesting.

The other 1, 100 calls said that the man can't do comedy to save his dick.

That's a direct quote, sir.

I've taken 90 calls this morning. They just don't like Hauk.

GARLICK: From a Marine in Da Nang:

"Captain Hauk sucks the sweat off a dead man's balls."

I have no idea what that means, sir, but it seems very negative to me.

I think the troops are trying to tell us something, fellas.

HAUK: Sir, if it is my programming choices, I can change.

I've been broadcasting the polkas... because I thought a certain segment of the men... weren't represented by Cronauer's broadcasts of rock 'n' roll.

But I can easily play an occasional Gary Lewis record.

It doesn't make a damn whether you play polkas or don't play polkas.

Military politics. Nothing personal. The men like him better than they do you.

He maliciously and with purposeful intent read unofficial news.

No, no, no. He made a mistake. We all make mistakes.

Now, this thing is a delicate balance over here, and I don't want it dependent on a disc jockey.

The men want him back. I want him back.

Sir, you heard from the men who don't like my humour, but what about the silent masses who do?

And as far as polkas, they are a much maligned musical taste.

You don't know whether you're fucked, powder-burned or snake-bit.

I don't care about polkas. They're rioting in Hue.

We're bringing in thousands of troops every month.

Terrorism's on the uprise in Saigon.

The problems of this country have not one goddamned thing to do... with whether you play polkas or don't play polkas.

The men want him back. I want him back.

Reinstate the man.

Sir, in my heart, I know I'm funny.

Thank you, lieutenant.

There you are, sir. Please, don't call me "sir."

It just came down the pike. You're back on the air, sir.

I'm not going on. What do you mean, you're not going on?

If you don't understand, you should take my English class.

I'm not going on.

You're a very attractive man, Abersold. Don't think I haven't noticed.

You'll be bored, you know.

What are you gonna do? I don't know.

I may go downtown, look for a Vietnamese man named Phil.

Or I may just stay here and listen to old Pat Boone records.

Try and find some hidden meaning.

Because, basically, I believe that that man is a misunderstood genius.

Genius? What are you saying to me?

I'm saying I'm through, Ed.

I'm tired of people telling me what I can't say.

"This news isn't official. That comment is too sarcastic."

I can't even make fun of Richard Nixon.

And there's a man who's screaming out to be made fun of.

So fuck it.

Sorry.

Is he all right? No, Phil, he's not all right.

A man does not refer to Pat Boone as a beautiful genius if things are all right.

Sir. Garlick.

I'd like you to collate these one-minute spots prior to broadcast.

You have a problem with that, young man?

Absolutely not.

I live to collate, sir. Good.

So do I.

[CRONAUER HUMS "GET A JOB"]

Get a job. Get a job, again.

"Get a job." Right. We got it, you're cooking now.

Sir? Edward.

GARLICK: I'd like an explanation.

On anything in particular? A lot of people went to the mat for you.

Thousands of guys wrote in, called in, trying to get you reinstated.

And I literally think that you owe it to all of them... to get your ass back on the air.

If you haven't noticed, the Army doesn't really want me, Ed.

Been harassing me since the day I got off the plane.

So what?

It's the guys in the field that matter, remember?

Those are the guys that are dying.

Edward, I tried to tell the truth and they kicked me off the air.

I screw up once more, Dickerson sends me into the field.

I come home in a box.

What you do is important to a lot of people.

Forget it, will you? Listen, I give up.

I'm gonna phone it in, okay? Enough bullshit. I'm out of here. See you.

I'll buy you some lunch. Can't let you do that.

CRONAUER: Listen, if I don't get to class, there's gonna be Vietnamese speaking in choppy sentences.

Look, we gotta talk now. Not now, man, come on.

I can't believe you.

What? That's it?

You're gonna leave the fucking thing. Leave everything fucking hanging.

People are depending on you.

Edward, please. That's two nasty words in one year.

Forgive me. Hey.

CRONAUER: Hey, you wanna give me a ride, or am I gonna have to buy another bike?

You're pissing me off.

SOLDIER 1: What the hell's the holdup? SOLDIER 2: Check it out.

Garlick, will you cut it out?

You're beginning to sound like a priest in a '40s movie.

"We are not firing you. The boys are depending on you."

Gentlemen? What are you doing, Ed?

Hey, guys.

Guess who the hell I got in here.

Don't do this. SOLDIER 3: Groucho Marx!

SOLDIER 4: Senator Dirksen! SOLDIER 5: Hey, Curly!

SOLDIER 6: Moe. GARLICK: Guess again.

Oh, bag it, bag it, Garlick.

The fellow I got in here is the gentleman, the one and the only king of the airwaves, You're a dead man.

GARLICK: Adrian Cronauer.

SOLDIER 7: Peterson, get up here, man. I think we got Cronauer here.

Hey, Cronauer, say, "Good morning, Vietnam."

Oh, give me a break, man. It's too hot for radio shit, okay?

Come on. Come on.

How do we know it's Adrian Cronauer?

Okay, I'll give her the best shot.

[YELLS] Good morning, Vietnam.

SOLDIERS: Yeah!

All right.

All right. Cool.

Yeah.

All right. We love you, Cron!

All right. Yeah.

All right, this is Adrian Cronauer. I'm on at 6:00 and again at 4.

Hey, we'd like to welcome you to Vietnam, the country that is more stimulating... than a strong cup of cappuccino or an espresso enema.

That one's coming at you now.

First, our fashion report from Special Forces Sgt. Ernest Lee Sincere.

[EFFEMINATELY] "Thank you.

"I think this fall, the discerning GI is gonna be wearing green in the jungle.

"Why? The leaves, they fall upon the helmets, says yes to me. Thank you."

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Here's a news flash coming right now.

[MIMICS TELETYPE MACHINE]

We can't afford the teletype.

Here it is, coming for you now. Quick news flash.

Former President Eisenhower, actually cartoon character Elmer Fudd.

He was quoted as saying, [AS ELMER FUDD] "Thank you, America. It was fun being president."

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Gina Lollobrigida has been declared... the Italian national mountain range. Thank you, Gina.

[AS GINA LOLLOBRIGIDA] Look out, I don't see the sun anymore.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Let's play a little game.

Who can tell me who sang the song "My Guy"?

Where you from? SOLDIER 8: Boston.

Boston. You know who sang the song "My Guy"?

SOLDIER 8: Yeah. Shit, I can't think of it. Thank you for playing.

"Yeah, shit, I can't think of it." That's right.

You don't win the case of fish balls and lizard testicles.

Thank you for playing anyway. Here it is right now. Hey, what's your name?

Patrick O'Ma... O'Malley.

[IN IRISH ACCENT] Patrick O... O'Malley.

I don't know. I'm just so happy.

I'm O... O... O... O'Malley. He's good... Oh, he's good.

I mean, I don't know. It's the Irish boy.

I'm just so full of semen. I haven't gotten laid yet.

I'm certain that I'm a Catholic boy, and I don't know when I'll be getting laid.

I'm just going off to Vietnam.

[NORMAL] Where you from? O'MALLEY: From the Village.

[EFFEMINATELY] Nice to have you here. Nice to have you here in Vietnam.

Obviously, you just said, "I'll join the Army, and be with people in green."

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Hi. What's your name?

Jimmy Wilkes. CRONAUER: Jimmy Wilkes.

Where you from? WILKES: New York.

Oh, two boys joined together.

All of a sudden, "Well, I got drunk. All of a sudden, I went for a tattoo.

"Next thing you know, I'm on a fucking truck. What happened?"

It's like, "Wow, baby. I don't know what's going down."

You're both from New York. Nice to have you, you like hanging out?

Where you going to? Nha Trang.

You gotta be careful, Jack. That's some heavy stuff.

That's like Newark after dark. You gotta watch out.

That's some heavy shit going down, baby.

You'll feel like George Wallace campaigning in Harlem:

[IN SOUTHERN ACCENT] "Hi, have you seen my face?" "Get yo' ass outta here!"

[IN NORMAL VOICE] What music do you like? Little Anthony?

SOLDIER 9: Yeah. SOLDIER 10: Stones!

SOLDIER 11: I like James Brown better. You like James Brown better. Yes, sir.

[AS MICK JAGGER] And Stones! Oh, you like Mick Jagger?

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Do you think he looks like a negative of Little Richard?

Really, and that hair. I think-- I don't know.

[AS MICK JAGGER] All right!

Gentlemen, I don't know... Oh, my God, these lips!

My God, they're moving! I'm gonna flap my eyebrows to death.

Look out, I'm singing, everybody. I'm singing.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Oh, get out of here. Watch out.

All right. Where are you from? I'm from, uh, Cleveland, man.

Cleveland? Vietnam's not that much of a change for you, then.

Aw, no. Ha-ha-ha.

You guys take care of yourself because you all look like, "I don't know what's gonna happen, man. I don't know."

What's this thing on the side of your helmet? What is that thing? SOLDIER 12: Hey, why don't you try it out?

Well, "Why don't you try it out." Look at this, look at that.

It says here, it says what sizes you got? You got large, medium and Caucasian.

Look at this thing. A little Italian party favour there.

Oh, no, Bozo, boys and girls.

Look at this thing. This is going like, "Yeah, check it out."

Hold on, how big is this thing? Hold on, how big is this?

Black man's going, "It's just for the tip. That's all I need is the tip."

It's a bathing cap. I just like to put a bathing cap.

Remember, this is the Vietnamese word "Con Dum."

Look, Italian moon launch.

There. Whoa, jeez, it almost blew up in my face.

Boom. There's prophylactic everywhere, man.

It's not a pretty picture. There's pieces of rubber all over his face.

I don't know what to say.

You guys, be careful. What's your name?

My name is Lewis Striker. CRONAUER: Lewis Striker, Brother Striker.

Thank you, Brother Striker. SOLDIER 13: Sean Donum.

Sean Donum. SOLDIER 14: Jay Snyder.

Feels like the Mouseketeers show. Annette, Cubby, Roy.

Well, you guys, you take care of yourselves.

I won't forget you.

All right, guys, let's say goodbye to the radio star!

We're out of here.

SOLDIERS: All right! [Engine Revving]

Bye-bye-bye-bye!

[SOLDIER'S YELLING INDISTINCTLY]

SOLDIER 15: We love you, man.

All right!

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[SOLDIERS CHEERING]


CRONAUER [YELLS ON RADIO]: Good morning, Vietnam!

Hey, it's another delightful day here in vacation land.

[AS GLINDA, The Good Witch] Everybody, time to get up. Get up, wherever you are.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] That's right. Rise and shine, rise and shine.

Got some songs going out right now to a couple of guys... on the road to Nha Trang. You know what I'm talking about.

Hey, Mr. O'Malley, O'Malley. You know, the Irish Dolby twins.

They're out there.

Special song going out to you right now.

["WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD" PLAYING ON RADIO]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

That was Louis B. Armstrong, the great Satchmo.

DICKERSON: Wanna interview some GIs in the field, sir, and play those tapes on the radio?

God only knows what they'd say, sir.

It involves Cronauer, which makes me suspicious immediately.

An Loc. And Cronauer would definitely be going along?

Hold on a minute, sir.

G2, Corporal Tiser, sir.

One moment.

SOLDIER: Yes, sir.

Route 1 A, sir, is the only route to An Loc, sir.

Does that road have a secure status? No, sir, it does not.

That road is Victor-Charlie, sir. It is definitely not a friendly area.

Negative, sir. It is not.

It is hazardous and has been for about 48 hours.

Heavily fortified and considered very unsafe, sir.

Thank you.

Sir, I recommend we issue a 24-hour pass.

CRONAUER: So this is the country where they grow rattan love seats.

God, is it hot.

What a country. Heat, humidity, terrorism.

Still, it's better than New York in the summer.

Hey, fellas, how's the cough-drop business?

You know, we haven't passed too many checkpoints since Chon Thanh.

CRONAUER: Why do you make every town sound like a Mexican restaurant?

"Britain imposed an oil embargo on Rhodesia today...

"after that country's unilateral declaration of independence.

"Gambia, Singapore and the Maldive Islands join the United Nations.

"Seretse Khama becomes the first premier of Bechuanaland.

DREIWITZ [ON RADIO]: "In sports, all-star rookie Pete Rose's three hits..."

CRONAUER: What do you think you'll do, Ed...

...when you get out of the Army?

GARLICK: I think I learned enough about radio stations.

I mean, maybe I can work in a station back home or something.

GARLICK: Give me your best shot. Lay something on me.

Give it a go, give it a go.

This is Eddie Garlick coming to you live from AFRS, Armed Forces Radio Saigon.

Now funkify it. Give me some real funk.

Give it to me, Edward. This is Eddie Garlick, com... Heh!

Good morning, Vietnam!

You're listening to Eddie Kirk on AFRS. I have a big special...

[KIRK SPEAKING IN DISTINCTLY ON RADIO]

KIRK [ON RADIO]: "Shuffle Off to Buffalo," "The Sidewalks of New York."

"Chattanooga Choo Choo," "Meet Me In Chicago,"

"I Left My Heart in San Francisco," of course, "Moonlight in Vermont," and many, many more, but we need to hear your requests.

So send in your postcards to Eddie Kirk, right here.

[SPEAKING IN VIETNAMESE]

Hey.

You fine. How you are?

Take you home.

You come out.

No problem.

Take you home. Safe now from VC.

Hi, this is Marty Lee Dreiwitz at Cronauer Control Centre.

Adrian Cronauer is on temporary assignment... and I'll be filling in until he arrives, hopefully, sometime this morning.

Right now, let's play a song from Adrian's own playlist, one of A.C.'s favourites.

["BABY PLEASE DON'T GO" PLAYING ON RADIO]

It's going to be an exciting day of listening and learning, so please, tune in.

"Sukiyaki," "Volare," "The Portuguese Washerwoman," and "Third Man Theme" on the Kirk International... [SPEAKING IN VIETNAMESE]

[SENTRY SPEAKING IN VIETNAMESE] Hold it, hold it, hold it. [SPEAKING IN VIETNAMESE]

What's up?

I try to find Cronauer. He don't show up in class.

He didn't show up for work today either.

You know anything about this?

Listen, jerk off, we're here fighting for your country.

Now where do Cronauer go?

An Loc. His pass say An Loc.

An Loc? Shit.

CRONAUER: You okay? GARLICK: Yeah.

Yeah. You okay? No.

Come on, pal, we'll make it.

Well, how about that? Hold on.

The VC, the fucking VC. Tell me something I don't know, okay?

GARLICK: How far you think we've gone?

CRONAUER: Ten, 15 miles?

GARLICK: You think we've reached Cambodia yet?

CRONAUER: How can you fight a war in this shit?

I don't know where they are. I don't even know where am.

Can't see dick.

Like hunting with Ray Charles.

TUAN: It okay! You can come out now!

If you hear, I cannot find you unless you talk to me.

It's too dangerous staying here.

You don't believe it's me?

Okay.

Flip them the bird.

Tuan?

Hey, there you are, Cronauer.

How the hell you find us, Sparky? Your jeep.

We're obviously not in Cambodia.

[ENGINE TURNING]

GARLICK: Try it again.

[ENGINE TURNING]

CRONAUER: Shit. GARLICK: One more time.

[ENGINE TURNING]

Goddamn it.

Our jeep gets blown off the road and his van won't start.

That's great.

You know why we ended up in the same place?

Why is that?

Your limp pulled us to the right. We were going around in circles.

Stick with me, I don't wanna go around again.

CRONAUER: We're not in Kansas anymore, Toto.

[HELICOPTER WHIRRING IN DISTANCE]

Listen.

Somewhere over there.

There it is, man, yo!

[CRONAUER YELLS]

Taxi!

Yo, GI! Hello, sailor, hello!

Hey!


LEVITAN: To avoid razor-burn problems, always rinse you razor with cold water instead of hot.

You skin will look and feel a whole lot better.

That's it for Hygiene in the Heat. Tomorrow we'll...

DICKERSON: Welcome back.

Well, thank you, sergeant. I've missed you.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm informing you that you're out of here.

I want your bags packed and ready to go tomorrow afternoon.

You don't have the power. I'll take this to the authorities.

I am the authorities, you moron.

Oh, I got your pansy-ass in a sling now, Cronauer.

Who's Tuan?

The guys who flew you in from An Lac radioed... they picked up a South Vietnamese boy with you and Garlick.

Who is this South Vietnamese boy?

He's a friend from my class who risked his ass to save my life.

A friend?

Your friend is a VC terrorist. [SCOFFS]

Yeah, and my mother is a werewolf, right?

Tuan is also known as Phan Duc Tho.

He's currently wanted by the South Vietnamese police... in connection with several bombings in the area, including the one at Jimmy Wah's.

Surely, you're familiar with that incident.

Do you ever wonder how a young South Vietnamese boy... gets into and out of VC-held territory?

It's dangerous out there.

Things just jump out at you.

And yet this boy can get in and out without a scratch.

And what about Jimmy Wah's?

Didn't you ever wonder why you were pulled out... just moments before the whole place blew up?

Or are you normally not that inquisitive?

Friends of Phan Duc Tho.

These three were executed shortly after this photo was taken.

Your friend is next.

I don't recommend that you tangle with me on this one, Airman.

There's not too many high-ranking officers... who would be sympathetic to a serviceman with links to terrorists.

The Army is kind of quirky that way.

A conviction on a charge of treason against the United States... carries with it penalties on the stiff side, if you know what I mean.

I have arranged for an honourable discharge... provided you leave without incident.

Ten-hut. At ease.

Cronauer, I'm sorry as hell about this thing.

Goddamn it, I like you, son. I like what you do.

Most of all, I like what you've done for the men.

But facts are facts.

This could give the Army a black eye.

I'm not gonna cover for you this time, son.

Sir? What about the show?

TAYLOR: We'll handle it.

I'm sorry, son.

Why'd you do this?

I don't like your style, your politics or your sense of humour.

I don't like what you say or how you say it.

From now on, the fighting men of Vietnam... will hear exactly what they're supposed to hear.

You're on a DC-8 from Tan Son Nhat Airport... tomorrow at 1830 hours.

I recommend you pack quietly.

That's all I have for you, airman.

You know, you're in more dire need of a blow job than any white man in history.

Whoa, there, Dick, put the brakes on.

I wanted to wait until the airman left to talk with you.

Uh, Dick, I'm transferring you.

Transferring me, sir? Mm-hm.

Where to, sir?

You're going to Guam.

Guam, sir? There's nothing going on in Guam.

Why Guam?

Dick, I've covered for you a lot of times because I thought you was a little crazy, but you're not crazy, you're mean.

And this is just radio.

[CHUCKLING SOFTLY]

"More dire need of a blow job than any white man in history."

That's funny.

WILKIE: Hey, teacher.

When are you gonna teach us to softball?

Listen, I gotta talk to you. Now. Come on.

Mr. Cronauer, I must... Oh, Minh, not now.

You gotta tell me where your brother is. I don't know.

Listen, his life is in danger. You gotta tell me where the hell he is.

No, I don't... Bullshit!

Listen, no more games, okay?

The Army knows about your brother.

I have to leave the country because of my association with him.

They have pictures of him. If they find him, they will shoot him.

If you wanna continue to have a brother, you take me to him now!

[CAR HORN HONKS]


Tuan.

[BOY SPEAKS IN VIETNAMESE]

Phan Duc Tho!

Get back here!


[CROWS]

I know about the bombings, Sparky.

No wonder you hauled ass.

You were my friend.

I trusted you.

[YELLS] You hear me?

TUAN: You naive man, Cronauer. You take a stupid side.

Now you have to go. It's better off.

That's not the fucking point!

You understand me?

I fought to get you into that bar, and then you blow the fucking place up!

Listen.

I gave you my friendship and my trust... and now they tell me that my best friend is the goddamn enemy.

Enemy? What is enemy?

You killing my own people so many miles from your home.

We not the enemy. You the enemy!

You used me to kill two people. Two people died in that fucking bar.

Big fucking deal!

My mother is dead.

And my older brother, who be 29 years old, he dead. Shot by American.

My neighbour, dead. His wife, dead.

Why?

Because we not human to them.

We only little Vietnamese.

And I'm stupid enough to save your bullshit life at An Loc.

Wait...

We're here to help this country!

Where the fuck you going?

It's unbelievable.

Five months in Saigon, my best friend turns out to be a VC.

This will not look good on a résumé!

You guys mind if I drive? Be my guest.

[ENGINE GRINDS]

It's a simple rule.

If the engine's humming, it's already started.

Never fail you. You guys mind if we make an unscheduled stop?

I got something I gotta do.

MP: If you attempt to deviate from the aforeplanned schedule, you're under arrest, Cronauer.

CRONAUER: Okay, everybody, let's play ball!

Go into conference. That point. That fence.

Okay, here we go. MP: No batter. No batter.

Heading north.

Let's go! Was it a double or a daiquiri.

Wait a minute.

WOMAN: Come on.

CRONAUER [ Muttering ]: All right! Thank you!

A little conference here, Wilk. A little conference, time-out, everyone.

This, Cronauer, not a real baseball. It much smaller and harder than this one.

You got me there, Wilk, because... I'm sorry, we have no budget, you see.

And I gotta get on a plane and we have to do with what we can.

Give me your hand. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you all the same.

Thank you all the same, and...

You wanna take the ball? No.

Okay, we gotta play, Wilk. You're pitching.

I want to turn in the ball to the original place.

Okay, let's take one more ball here.

This one's a better one. No. No. No need.

We haven't got a real baseball, Wilk. Bear with me, okay? Okay.

We haven't got the money, pal. Anyway.

Okay, that one, okay? I accept that this a very good substitute.

Okay, let's just play with the substitute, then, okay?

Okay. CRONAUER: Okay.

This is a deal. This is a deal. It's a deal? Okay.

Take the ball, will you? I'll give you money if you take the ball.

No. I'm sorry. No?

Okay. I'm... I'm... I've no money. Sorry.

Can we have...? Is there a psychiatrist here?

[CROWD APPLAUDING]

[CROWD CHEERS]

Yeah! Run, run, run!

MP: Okay.

He's not out till you have both halves of the ball!

Keep your eye on the fruit.

That's it, eye on the fruit, Minh. Eye on the fruit, on the fruit.

Yeah, go, run, Minh! Run! Come on, come on, give me the ball.

Minh!

Keep going! Keep going!

She's actually going home.

That's it. We'll all change sides.

MAN: All right!

Yes, Wilkie! Hey, Wilk, look, you got a base, take it.

Yes!

CRONAUER: You all played a good game.

Yeah, me too.

Hey, hey.

When you look like Goliath, so mihgt you...

[ Cronauer ] You take care. We had a great day. ...beware of, of some David.

[SPEAKS IN VIETNAMESE]

MINH: Thank you.

Well, Mr. Cronauer, we, we thank you for your fine teaching about softball.

And we learned a lot from you.

And we wish you good luck and success.

Thank you, Wilkie. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you, thank you.

[ M.P. ] You guys ready to go?

Can you give me a minute? MP: Oh, okay.

Man, he's gonna say goodbye to the whole goddamn country now.

I want to say goodbye before you go.

To tell you, thank you for being so kind.

So many things not happen the way you want them.

You're so good person, and I could not with you.

We are so different.

I say tomato, you say cây tomat.


See you.

[ENGINE GRINDS]

Staggers the imagination.

Makes me unique, doesn't it? What a plus.

Flip them a bird!

Left, right, left!

SERGEANT: Left, right!

SOLDIERS: One, two, three, four.

Three, four!

SERGEANT: Left, left! Left, right, left!

Left, left! Left, right, left!

Three, four! Left, left! Left, right, right!

It was a pleasure making your acquaintance, sir.

Thanks.

CRONAUER: Will you cut that out? We're the same rank.

What will I do without you, sir?

[IN BRITISH ACCENT] Well, you carry on, Montesque.

"Carry on, Montesque." Carry on.

I like that. Makes me feel, uh, British or something.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] I got something here for you.

I want you to play this.

It says goodbye to everybody staying behind.

GARLICK: I'll take care of it pronto, sir. You could get in trouble for that.

Requisitioned for a name change.

"Trouble" is actually my new middle name.

I'm gonna give you the old chuck on the shoulder now.

It's a stupid thing to do, isn't it?

You take care.

All right?

Your fly is open.

Made you look.


[YELLS] Go-oo-ood morning, Vietnam!

This is Eddie Garlick coming to you live from AFRS, Armed Forces Radio Saigon.

It's 1629 hours here in Saigon and Airman Adrian Cronauer is going home today.

But he left a farewell message for all you guys out there... still sweating it out in the fields.

So without further ado, here's a farewell extravaganza.

CRONAUER [YELLS ON TAPE]: Goodbye, Vietnam!

That's right, I'm history. I'm out of here.

I got the lucky ticket home, baby. Yeah, that's right. The final Adrian Cronauer broadcast.

And this one is brought to you by our friends at the Pentagon.

Remember, the people who brought you Korea.

That's right, the U.S. Army.

If it's being done correctly here or abroad, it's probably not being done by the Army.

[SLOWLY] "I heard that!"

[IN NORMAL VOICE] You're here, good to see you.

[SLOWLY] "I'm here to make sure you don't say anything controversial."

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Speaking of things controversial, is it true that there is a marijuana problem here in Vietnam?

[SLOWLY] "No, it's not a problem. Everybody has it."

[EFFEMINATELY] "I don't know, Adrian."

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Leo, Leo!

[EFFEMINATELY] "Adrian, take care of yourself.

"I just want you to know one thing, "if you're going to be dressing in civilian clothes, don't forget pumps."

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Thank you, Leo. Thanks for these. Oh, these are special.

[EFFEMINATELY] "They're ruby slippers, Adrian.

"Put these on and say, "There's no place like home.

"There's no place like home," and you can be there.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] I hope. I hope we all could.