Grandma's Boy (2006) Script

[ Drumroll ]

[ Orchestral Fanfare ]

Oh, boy.

[ Bell Jingling ]

[ Man Groaning ] [ Punches Landing ]

Fuck! Stop hitting me!

This is like if Tyson fought an infant.

[ Groaning ] Ooh!

I can't wait to punch you in the face while you're sleeping tonight.

[ Man ] Get up! Get up! [ Bell Ringing On TV ]

Saved by the bell. Come on, let me get in a bong hit before round two.

Oh! Look at that ass.

[ Bell Rings ] [ Groaning ]

Hey! Hey! I spilled the bong! Stop!

[ Laughing ]

Boom! Knocked you out! Eat it, whore! [ Laughing ]

[ Bell Ringing On TV ] You cheated, you dick.

No, I didn't. Oh! The bong water reeks.

Yeah, maybe if you cleaned it, it wouldn't smell like your girlfriend's ass.

What's going on, fellas?

What's up? How's it going?

Um, who are you and why are you in my kitchen?

Oh, your landlord, he, uh, hired us to pick up your stuff.

This is bullshit!

It's like Cypress Hill concert in here.

I don't rent to those kind of people.

Yuri, what the hell's going on?

[ Speaking Foreign Language ]

Alex, how are you? I'm good.

Hmm. Well, for last six months, you no pay me rent.

So now, I no longer let you stay here. Okay?

All right, my friends, pack up everything, put on truck, okay?

No, no. That's impossible. We've never missed a payment.

Every month, I give Josh hundreds of dollars of my money, and then he writes you a rent check, right, Josh?

[ Sobbing ] I love them so much.

You love who?

The girls at Madame Kamay's Filipino Palace.

You've been spending our rent money on Filipino hookers?

They're not hookers. They're massage therapists.

They'll massage your cock for money.

There's a word for that. I think it's "hooker." You're a hooker!

[ Box Hitting Floor ] Whoa, wait.

Listen, Alex, I make you special deal, huh?

I give you five minutes to pack up all your shit you don't want thrown away.

And if you take one extra minute, I have my two friends, they take your testicles and remove them through your anus.

Deal? Nice man.

Okay, they got one minute and then you-- Okay? [ Foreign Language ]

I'm sorry, Alex. I-I should have told you.

You can't whack it to Internet porn like everyone else?

You know I don't have a credit card.

So where you going?

I'll go to Dante's and see if he'll let me stay there. What about you?

Madame Kamay said I could stay at the Palace. [ Chuckling ]

You're sick. [ Chuckles ] I know.

Where's the bong? Alex!

You forgot smoking lamp.

I'm sorry. Was that expensive piece?

That's your fault too.

[ Woman ] * Just another day Just another day *

Yo, Dante, pick up. Josh is killing me.

Where are you? I'm sick of talking to your machine.

Why aren't you home? I need you.

* Just another day Just another day *

* Just another day Just another day ** Hey, Alex.

Don't you answer your phone? I've been calling for half an hour.

Oh, I'm sorry. I was putting up my Christmas tree.

Dude, it's July.

Get the fuck out of here. It is? Yeah. And, uh, why are you naked?

Oh, my God. I am naked! Come on in!

Dude, your ass is tanner than my face.

* For my mental 'Cause I'm spinning **

That is pure fucking insanity.

Yeah. I know. He got addicted to hookers.

No, I'm talking about the guy who threw your bong.

You should never throw a bong, kid. Ever.

Yeah, well, anyway, I was wondering if maybe I could crash here for a while.

Whoa. I don't know, man. I got a business to run.

This is like my office as well as my home.

Plus, the lion comes in a couple days.

You're getting a lion? Yeah.

Why? To protect my shit.

Never heard of a dog?

Dude, you can get past a dog. Nobody fucks with a lion.

Yeah, that's true.

So what kind of weed do you want?

I got the Incredible Hulk, I got some of the green monster, I got the bling.

Hey! We go through this every time I come here.

I don't care what it's called. I just want a bag of fucking weed.

Whoa. Chill, bro. You know you can't raise your voice like that when the lion's here.

Yeah. You know what? I got to bail or I'm going to miss my cousin's wedding.

You look like a bag of shit.

You sure you don't wanna borrow my birthday suit?

Thanks anyway, but brown's not my color.

This isn't brown. I'm bronzed. [ Chuckles ]

** [ Classical ]

So you can't kill the demon at the end of Level 6?

Do you have the magic arrows?

Easy. Here's what you do. Hide behind the boulder.

When the demon comes out of the cave, shoot him three times with the magic arrows.

Then his head will start to spin. Once that happens, you jump up on the boulder, you do a flying downward thrust... with the Sword of Doom and that's it.

Level 6 is done. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Have I told you today how much I love you? Mmm. Hey, Grandma.

Hi, honey. Ooh. You look hot.

Well, I haven't been out and about for a while, so I thought I'd step it up a notch.

Well, it worked. Good. Oh, your father tells me that you need a place to stay.

Yeah. Just so you know, Sophie left us two weeks ago.

So her room is available if you need it.

Oh, where'd Sophie move to? Heaven.

Ooh. Sorry. Uh, Sophie was so--

Mean and full of hate. Yeah.

So you want to move in tonight? You know what? That's a really sweet offer, but unfortunately, I promised my friend Jeff I'd stay at his house.

Come in. Hurry up. You sure this is okay?

Yeah. It's totally cool. Just keep your voice down. My roommates are sleeping.

You mean your parents? Yeah, same thing.

Nice jammies. Thanks. They're a present from my roommates.

That's cool.

Here we go.

Um, where am I supposed to sleep? On the air mattress.

Do you need a stuffed animal? I have a dog. I think I have a bear.

Yeah, I have a bear.

What are you, eight? At least I have my own bed.

Your bed is a car. Yeah, but it's a fucking sweet car.

My roommates said they are gonna get me rims for Christmas.

Or a C.B. radio. I can talk to other car beds. That'll be hot.

[ Yawning ] Might get a stereo too.

My sister said I should get an alarm. Shut up.

[ Moans ]


Oh, yeah.

Come on, Lara. My cock is lost in the jungle and it's up for you to find it.

Oh, Lara, you dirty, dirty adventurer.

Come on. Let's go exploring.

Why don't you explore my underwear, baby?

Damn, you look good.

What's under the skirt, Lara?

Oh, let's see. Huh?

Ooh, Lara, no panties? How'd you know I liked it like that?

Oh, yeah. Okay.

Ooh, here we go. All right. Here we go. Jeffrey?

What are you doing up so-- Oh! Oh, my God! I'm sorry!

I can't stop coming! I'm sorry! It feels so good!

I can't believe you came on my mom.

You might be the biggest perv in the world right now. What were you thinking?

I couldn't sleep. I saw the doll.

So you can't wake me up to play video games or something?

Didn't want to disturb you. You were balls deep in that turtle with a thumb in your mouth.

I love my turtle.

Anyway, my mom said you could still stay the night.

Oh, yeah, that's not an awkward breakfast.

Tell her thanks. I'm just going to go crash at the office.

All right, suit yourself. I'll see you in a couple hours. Yeah.

You can keep the doll, by the way.

Oh, I was planning on that.

Oh! My doll is a whore.

* I wasn't laughing properly *

* When you were talking to me *

* I didn't find it funny *

* Your story didn't do it for me **

[ Clears Throat ]

Uh, excuse me?

** [ Heavy Metal ]

[ Turns Off ] Hi.

Good morning. Um, I'm just looking for my office.

Are you the new janitor?

No, I'm, uh, Samantha Garson.

I'm here to oversee the final stages of production on "Eternal Death Slayer 3."

Oh, hi. I didn't know anyone new was coming in.

I'm Alex. I'm one of the testers. Do you usually sleep here?

No. I was working late. I love work. I love life.

That's good to know.

Yeah, um, your office is probably the empty one down the hall.

Thank you. Alex, there's-- Yeah?

Brush your teeth. I'll see you later.

Thank you.



Who the fuck is Johnny?

* He went so far *

* Across the floor **

What's up, Douche Bigalow? How'd you sleep last night?

Fine, Speed Racer. What did you do, valet your bed?

Uh, no, but I'll self-park it in your asshole.

Come on. Let's go to lunch. Hey, you remember Lara, don't you?

Yes, I do, and she already has a cold sore. That's a surprise.

[ Chuckles, Kissing ]

Hey, word on the street is Mr. Cheezle brought some girl here from New York... to make sure we finish "Eternal Death Slayer" on time.

Yeah, her name's Samantha. She's really hot. She wants to bang me.

I'm sure she does. Are you ready? Oh, please.

Line up, you fucking nerds. Who wants a shot at the champ?

Who's going down?

I'm taking the title, old man.

The game... is Frog Bog.

Let's do it.

[ Exhales ]


[ Inhales, Panting ]

Om. [ Clears Throat ]

Tea? Sure.

It's a wonderful dandelion-nettle blend.

Very cleansing. Good for new beginnings.

[ Groans ]

So, Samantha, as you know, our immediate focus... is the completion of "Eternal Death Slayer 3" in time for the fall.

We've had an enormous amount of bugs at this stage, and, quite frankly, I'm a little more than concerned.

"Knife Head IV" was in a similar situation, but we met the deadline.

"Jump Rope City" was a total nightmare, and we figured it out.

That's why I brought you in.

To complete E.D.S. 3 on schedule... so we can free up all the testers for J.P.'s new masterpiece.

Two major titles in one year?

And he's programming and designing them all by himself?

He must be a genius. Well, J.P. is not normal.

He created the original "Eternal Death Slayer" when he was only 13.

He's the definition of a prodigy.

[ Door Opens ]

J.P. Sorry I'm late, Mr. Cheezle.

I was in the middle of another huge breakthrough with the new game.

How's it looking? It's the future of gaming.

Breathtaking. Care for tea?

No, I'm good. Uh, I don't believe that we've met.

Oh, this is Samantha Garson.

I brought her in from New York to, uh, be the project manager on E.D.S. 3.

Hi. It's nice to finally meet you. You have quite a reputation.

Everything you've heard about me is true. [ Exhales ]

So, uh, if you ever need anything, just please, feel free to call.

I'll give you all my numbers. Thanks, I will.

Seriously, anything you need.

Say, J.P., why don't you show Samantha around the office, introduce her to everyone.

Sure. I cou-- Yeah. I'll put my genius on hold for a while.

After you, my lady. [ Giggles ]

Namaste, you guys.

Did the kids in school hound you for "Eternal Death Slayer" tips?

School. [ Giggles ] I didn't need school.

All I ever cared about were video games, and they've made me a millionaire.

So maybe I don't know what the Civil War was... or who invented the helicopter, even though I own one.

But I did beat "The Legend of Zelda" before I could walk.

That's cool. Yeah.

I'm thinking of getting metal legs. It's a risky operation, but it'll be worth it.

[ Shouting ] What's in here?

It's just the kids in their break room.

Or as I call it, "The Stupid Idiot Room Full of Jerks."

Mine's the biggest office-- Let's check it out.

[ Shouting Continues ]

Let's go! You suck! You suck!

[ All Shouting ]

I thought you were good at this, man.

Oh, flies. I'm a frog. I'm eating flies. A lot more than you.

[ Man ] Eat that frog dick, Timmy! Eat it!

I'm sorry you had to see this.

It's all these poor knaves have to look forward to every day.

Yeah! Your shit's weak! Shit's weak!

[ All Shouting ]

Whoa! Yeah! Yeah!

Your shit's weak! Wizzeak!

You never had a chance, Timmy. I'll get you eventually, gray bush. Time is on my side.

Hey, at least I have a bush.

Shit's weak! Oh, hey, Samantha. Sorry you had to hear that.

No. Congratulations on having a bush.

How do you two know each other?

I woke him up here this morning. He fell asleep working late last night.

Yeah, well, that's what old people do. They fall asleep.

[ Giggles ] Wow, J.P., that is a great outfit.

How much do clothes cost in the Matrix?

So funny I forgot to laugh. [ Giggles ]

Hi, I'm Jeff. I have a bush too. It's not gray.

Hey! What?

My bush isn't really gray.

Not according to my mom. I thought I told you to quit talking about that.

People keep asking me about it. Um--

I'm really sorry to have to leave this conversation, but I will see you guys later.

Get back to work, testers.

Hey, Samantha, don't take the red pill! [ Laughing ]

[ Imitating Robot Hydraulics ]

[ Imitating Machine Gun ]

[ Imitating Robot Voice ] Adios, turd nuggets.

[ Imitating Hydraulics ]


Hey, Timmy, any chance I can crash on your couch tonight?

Why? So you can jerk off on my mom?

Jeff's a fucking liar, Timmy!

What's that?

How many people did you tell about the incident with me and your mom?

Thirteen, maybe. Why? I didn't know it was a secret.

No, you're right. Your mom would really appreciate it.

My bad. Sorry. It's all right.

So where are you going to crash tonight?

Um, this, uh-- this really cute chick I've known for a long time... said that I could sleep over with her and her two crazy girlfriends.

No way! Yep.

Three chicks and you?

Yeah. I'll call you later and let you know which bed I end up in.

Totally. Oh, my roommate's here. Later, 'gator. Later.

Hi, honey. Hi, Mommy.

Did you have a good day? I did. Did you remember to TiVo Samurai Jack?

I did.

[ Grandma ] Oh, honey, they work you too hard there.

That's a long day. It's not that tough of a job, though, Grandma. But thank you.

[ Chuckling ] You are something else. You must be starving, darling.

Yeah, I could eat.

That's, uh, quite the buffet you have there.

Thank you, Mr. President.

Oh, Grace, you remember my grandson Alex.

Our new roommate.

How long you staying? Um, just till I find a new apartment.

Do you have a girlfriend? No.

How old are you now? I'll be 36 in October.

My grandson's gay too. I'll give you his number.

I'm not gay, but thank you. Denial.

Wow. That Grace sure makes me feel warm and welcome.

Well, you'd be bitter too if you had four husbands die on you.

Probably suicides.

I was just kidding. There we go. Here's your din-din.

Oh, watch-- It's hot. Ooh, be careful--

Okay, so that's chicken cutlet, leftover lasagna... some scrambled eggs, some pudding and-- and, oh, wait a minute.

A piece of the wedding cake.

That is awesome, Grandma. Thank you. Ah, you're welcome.

Here's your new room, baby.

Wow, Grandma, this is nice. Oh, good.

Hey, uh, Sophie didn't die in the bed, did she?

Oh, no. Good, good, good.

No. She fell out of bed and died right here. Ew!

Oh, I am so happy that you're here, honey.

Thank you so much, again. Sweet dreams, darling.

Oh, thanks. Okay.

See you in the morning. You sure will.

[ Door Closes ]


[ Creaking ]

[ Groaning ]

[ Woman's Voice ] I died on the floor, and nobody helped me.

You have got to be fucking shitting me.

Oh, it's so cold when you're dead.

I swear to God I would have helped you, Sophie.

Please don't kill me. I would have helped you. I just wasn't here--

Gotcha! Oh, my God!

[ Laughing ]

You scaredy-cat. What the hell are you doing, Grandma?

Well, I told you we were going to have fun.

Yeah. Sweetie?

Uh-huh? Don't curse. You're better than that.

Okay. Fuck!

That's fucking crazy.

[ Ticking ] [ Loud Chiming ]

Oh, God. What is happening?

[ Chiming Continues ] What the--

What? Come on. Stop that.

Why are you doing this to me?

[ Chiming Stops ]

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Oh, rise and shine.

Go take a tinkle and be sure to wash your hands, then come down and have breakfast. Okay, Grandma.

Wow! That was a great breakfast.

Grandma, I'm going to go back to sleep now.

Oh. Well, don't you have to go to work?

Actually, I don't have to be at work for another three and a half hours.

Oh, that's wonderful that you have all this extra time, because we really could use your help around the house.

Oh, not a problem. What do you need me to do?

Mmm, just a few chores.

* I don't need to need you *

* Tell me what to do *

* Tell me what to say *

* Don't you wanna help me *

* Tell me what to do *

* Help me find the way * Here you go, honey.

* Hopefully You make no mistake *

* If you learn from what you've got to take *

* Good or bad It's all gonna add up *

* In the end But you can never win *

* Don't need to need you * * Don't tell me how *

** [ Fades Out ]

All right, you guys, I'm gonna need you to go all the way back... and recheck, starting with Level 1, okay?

Kane, you are gonna take 1 through 3.

Whatever you need, Samantha. Barry, you'll cover 4 through 6.

Yeah, I can do that. No problem. You're great.

Jeff, you're already working on 7 through 9, so why don't you just stick with those.

Let's do it.

The levels, I mean. Not sex.

Sorry. All right.

Alex, I need you to deal with 10 through 15, because those are the real problem levels and-- [ Farting ]

[ Chuckling ] Is he sleeping?

Yes, and possibly shitting his pants.

[ All Laughing ] Wake up, dude.

No chores, Grandma!

Nice rip, Alex. [ Chuckling ]

Rip what?

All right, you guys. Come on. Get to work. It's crunch time.

Seriously, rip what? Why are you so tired?

Uh, maybe 'cause I was with three chicks last night.

Something you'd know nothing about.

[ J.P. ] Excuse you. Hey, look, it's Bono's brother.

So how'd the loser conference go?

Those losers are gonna make sure your game releases on time.

Oh, no, of course. Uh, they're-- they're the best.

I want to get you a black cobra.

Just to go around the neck.

J.P., I got to stay on top of these guys.

[ Robot Voice ] Please get on top of me.

[ Screaming ]

Here, honey, I made you some Jell-O with no fruit...

'cause I know how much you hate it.

And you got cheese and crackers and some chocolate milk to wash it all down.

That's great. Thank you. Oh, what's this?

[ Alex ] Mmm, this is a video game I'm making.

It's kind of like a side project. Oh, good for you, honey.

Hey, you want to play it? Well, I don't know.


You are so talented.

I remember the birdhouse you made way back at grade school.

This is a little more violent than the birdhouse. It's called "Demonik."

You play a demon who's been summoned from hell to clean out this meth lab.

Space shuttle.

So... this helps you look around.

This button is to punch. This is to jump. This is to duck.

This right trigger brings up your magic spell menu.

And the left trigger lets you use your magic spells.

H-H-How do you make him walk?

Oh, that's this stick right here. This here?

[ Alex ] Oh, there you go. Oh, yeah, walk over here.

Okay, go in this room. Okay, use your telekinesis power to lift those objects.

I don't see a telephone anywhere.

No, no. It's like a mind power. Hit the red button. Red.

Ooh, perfect.

Okay, you know what, use your fireballs to blow a hole in that wall.

Uh, f-f-fire. Yeah, yeah, that's great. That's great.

Go in there. Go in there. Is this a good or a bad guy?

Uh, that's a bad guy. He's a drug dealer. Kill him.

Oh. Oh, I hate violence. But, oh, drugs are bad.

[ Grandma ] Wow! Ooh, nice Death Spike.

Okay, now go in here and use your lightning to blow up those barrels.

Ooh! [ Giggling ] Oh, isn't that pretty?

Yeah. Oh, this is fun.

Hey, wow, you got to a checkpoint.

Is that good? Yeah.

Well, so that's my game.

And, uh, you know what, I have a little more work to do, so if you want to just--

Uh-uh. Wait your turn. I'm on a roll here. Ooh.

Take that, you dirty dopers.

Hey, you know what, Grandma? Um, I actually have to go see a friend and get some stuff.

So, uh, you keep playing, and I'll see you later.

Love you. Oh.

I can't believe there are people in this world who still don't have cable.

[ Clicking Tongue, Laughing ]

Dr. Shakalu gets it. Yeah, he does.

Anyways, here's a black box that gets all the channels, plus pay-per-view and a bunch of extra wires.

Just don't let a cop see it or Grandma's doing some time.

So, uh, how do you two know each other?

I met the doctor at a cockfight in Pomona.

He's hooking me up with the lion. It comes tomorrow. Great.

Plus, he brought over some crazy Zimbabwean weed that'll turn you into a deer.

[ Laughing ]

You know that lions eat deer, right?

That's true, kid. Doctor, we got to be careful.

Oh, shit. I've been here three hours?

I don't have antlers, do I? No. You're cool, bro.

Thanks for all this. And, Doctor? [ Clicks Tongue ]

Ooh, sorry. Anytime, kid.

Oh, yes! Finally, a roommate who goes shopping.

Chicken cutlet.

Spaghetti with garlic bread.

Oh, my God, the wings to go with the breast.

I don't know what you are, but I'm gonna fucking eat you too.

Of course she doesn't have a microwave. She's fucking 100.

[ Bubbling ]


Yeah, Dante.

Let's see, let's see.

Good night, my friend. Sleep well.


[ Sizzling ]

Ooh, dinnertime.

Oh, fucking bitch, cock-sucking-fucker-ass-fuck!

Oh! Goddamn it!

[ Grunts ] [ Screams ]

[ Clears Throat ]

Let me guess. Was your dick on fire?

Yeah. Hey, Jeff.

Oh, hey, Alex. Hey.

So, um, I-I finished my first level last night. How far are you, Alex?

Does it look like I got any levels done last night?

Oh, my God. Geez. That's crazy.

Wait, wait. Don't tell me your roommates did that to you.

Yeah. Yeah. I-It was my roommates.

They, uh-- They're crazy. They're crazy. They tied me up.

I was like one of those, uh, calves at the rodeo, all helpless.

And you know what? Just when I was about to scream for the police, I came.

Ohh! And-And that felt nice.

That is nuts. That is so hot.

Hey, you guys. Kane, can you take a look at that for me? Thanks.

Whoa. Alex, what happened?

There was a fire and I was-- I was trying to save it from this baby--

No, he's banging his three roommates. They tied him up last night.

They had crazy orgies, like, all week.

I don't know what they're talking about. They're just joking.

No, we're not. You literally just told us that.

Yeah, well, I don't think that's very smart, considering you work with your hands. Yeah.

May I see you in my office for a minute, please? Yeah.

Ooh! Busted!

You are so fired. You guys are assholes.

Bye. Hey, you know what? I-I forgot something.

What? This.

Oh, my God! Are you serious?

I think he fucking shattered it.

All right. Look, Alex, this game has to get finished.

And you are the most experienced guy I have here. I'm really counting on you.

My hands being burnt will not affect me finishing my levels at all.

Well, I sure hope it doesn't.

It won't.

You know, you seem really out of place in the video game world.

Why? 'Cause I'm a woman? No, 'cause you're a really hot woman, and you are swimming in a sea of virgins.

Well, that is very flattering and revealing, Alex.

Look, I know you think I'm really hot too, and you want to go out with me after work and get a drink.

But I have this very serious deadline that my boss gave me.

So until I finish my levels, I can't have any distractions.

I guess I'll just have to suffer until then. Sorry.

[ Woman ] Mr. Cheezle on line two. I have to take this.

Avoid his tea parties. [ Gagging ]


What are you doing, J.P.?

Just thinking about my game.

Huh. How's that going?

People will bow to it.

All right. That-That's creepy.

[ Robot Voice ] I hate your face.

Did you say something?

You're fucking weird.

How can he see me?

Before we can roast it, I want to get the heat in the pan nice and high.

And we're going to salt and pepper the pork-- [ Continues ]

Hello, ladies. Enjoying the new cable?

Some of the places do with string, some of the places do with a net.

You like that cooking channel, huh, Grandma?

And it's all food, all day.

That's all they do, is they make food.

I want to eat the TV.

Thanks a lot, Alex. Maybe tomorrow you can introduce them to heroin.

...with a label on it. It's very rare to see a beer stein-- [ Continues ]

What's this? Antiques Roadshow.

What's that? Oh, it's great.

People a take in crap and then find out it's worth a lot of money.

Move over, Bea.

I'm an antique. Yes, you are, Bea.

King Gambrinus, who is the patron saint of beer--

So, ladies, I kind of need to use the televi--

Shh! Go read your Playgirl or something.

$4,000 for a beer mug? That's ridiculous.

And we'll be right back as thesAntiques Roadshow marathon continues.

Marathon? Fuck me.

[ Grunts ]

Come on.

Ooh. Hi. You're dead. Bye-bye.

[ Cell Phone Rings ] What's up? J-dog.

Hey, J-dork, it's Alex. What's going on, shit lips?

Uh, not much. Look, I need you to do me a huge favor.

You're not jerking off on my dad. Ha, ha. Very funny.

No, I really need your help. Do you think you can do some of my levels?

What? No. Why can't you do them?

Look, my roommates won't let me get any work done. They're insane.

They won't stop watching... porn.

I can't get anything done. They're total nymphos. You got to help me.

You're dead to me. Over.

Oh. Jeff's a good friend.

[ Woman ] Uh, this is not an ordinary Tiffany lamp.

This one is a fish lamp.

You can see that there are fish swimming.

The glass that these fish are-- [ Chiming ]

It's 6:00 already?

Ooh! Okay, I'll make you some breakfast before you do your chores.

Oh, no, no, no, Grandma, don't worry. No.

I'm not that hungry. I was going to go into work early also.

I don't-- I don't have time to do any chores today.

Oh, it's just a couple of things, sweetie.

Do you know how to use a sandblaster?

Where did you get that?

Oh, well, there was a break in the marathon on TV, so I did some of your laundry.

I found that vase in your bag and, well, it smelled terrible, so I cleaned it.

Doesn't it look nice?


Fruit cup? Nice. Way to go, Mom.


Quiet, Bobby. Can't you see Alex is sleeping? He's not taking challenges.

No. I'm challenging you, Jeff.

To what game?

A little "Dance Dance Revolution."

That's great, Bobby, but we don't have "Dance Dance Revolution," so you're dumb.

[ Male Computer Voice ] Ultramix 2! When the hell did we get this?

It just came in this morning.

Suddenly, you're not such a big shit-talker anymore, are you, Jeff?

Looks like my days are numbered here at Brainasium.

Well, can you at least go first so I can see what I'm doing?

Oh, with pleasure.

Yeah, lose the Woody Allen jacket.

** [ Hip-hop ]

[ Male Computer Voice ] Dreamin', dreamin', groovin', if you know what I mean.

It's movin' on the scene. All right.

* Break it for me Break the one game *

* Break the moves And be the dance hall king *

* Ooh, Chaka Khan Open in the front *

** [ Continues ]

* Break it for me Break the one game *

* Break the moves And be the dance hall king *

** [ Continues ]

* Break it for me Break the one game *

* Break the moves And be the dance hall king *

** [ Ends ]

Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

Good stuff, Bobby. Nice moves. That was hot.

Well, let's see what we got here. Hmm.

** [ Hip-hop ]

[ Computer Voice ] Are you ready? Dance!

[ Computer Voice ] You're gonna break the game, you're so good!

[ Siren Blares ]

** [ Ends ] Whoo! That game is fun! Oh, my God!

[ Computer Voice ] A new high score. What does "high score" mean?

New high score. Is that bad?

What does that mean? Did I break it?

** [ Techno ]

[ Knocking ]

** [ Continues ]

Hey, J.P.

Do-Do you have a second? ** [ Stops ]

You didn't knock, Kane.

I did. But I think that the music was a little loud.

Are you afraid of it?

No. I-- I just don't like techno.

You would if you had robot ears.

[ Typing ] Yeah, I guess.

Anyway, I had a suggestion for "Eternal Death Slayer."

You know the dwarves in-- Three.


"Eternal Death Slayer 3."

Three. Sorry.

Anyway, don't you think that the dwarves on Level 4... look a little too similar to the elves on Level 6?

Might be a little too confusing.

Well, that's an interesting theory, Kane.

But redesigning all those characters at this stage would be way too expensive.

I agree. But what if you just rendered them a different color?

You know, that would be cheap and quick.

Uh-- Leave the decisions to me, Kane.

There's a reason why I'm the creator of E.D.S. 3 and you're just a tester.

I just-- [ Imitating Hydraulics ]

[ Robot Voice ] Eject.

** [ Techno ]

[ Imitating Hydraulics ] ** [ Stops ]

[ Robot Voice, Normal Voice ] He had a good idea. Shut up. Mind your own business.

May I speak to you, my lady?

Uh, yeah. I guess.

But could you please knock next time?

And what is it with this "my lady" stuff?

What are you, a knight of the Round Table? Come on.

[ Robot Voice ] Sorry.

What was that? Uh, nothing. Nothing.

I just came to tell you that I noticed the dwarves on Level 4... and elves on Level 6 of E.D.S. 3 look way too similar.

Could be confusing to some.

Well, uh, what do you want me to do? I can't push the deadline any further.

Well, you wouldn't have to if you just rendered them different colors.

Be cheap and wouldn't take more a than a day or two.

Yeah. Yeah, we can definitely do that.

That... is a great idea.

Those are the only kind I have.

There's a symposium on nanotechnology tomorrow at UCLA, 3:00 p.m.

I thought maybe-- J.P.

Yeah? I'm working.

Right. I am too. I just-- [ Clears Throat ]

I just thought I'd let you know.

I think that everybody should know. You should probably make that a memo.

ASAP. ASAP. Gotcha.

[ Imitating Hydraulics ]

Hey, dude. What's up, guys? What did weirdo say about the elves?

Shot it down. What? Really? That was a good idea.

No, it wasn't. I'm a piece of shit. I suck.

Relax, Kane. You're not a piece of shit.

Just run it by Alex. Maybe he'll talk to J.P.

[ Chuckles ]

You'll have to wake him up out of his sex coma first.

He gives me a reason to live. Him and all those stink-ass hos.

Dude, he's living a fantasy. It's so awesome.

No! You guys, it's not awesome, okay?

Our report is due tomorrow and he hasn't even started it.

All right? If he doesn't finish it, were totally f'ed.

[ Ringing ]

Crap. That's Alex's intercom.

[ Ringing ]

[ High-pitched ] Hello? [ Woman ] Delivery at the front desk for you, Alex.

Cool! I hope it's a naked dude with a boner. What?

Nothing. Send it back. [ Laughing ]

Come on. Let's find Alex's desk. God bless us, every one.

May I help you ladies? Are you looking for Alex?

Yes. I'm Alex's grandmother Lilly, and these are his roommates.

This is Grace and that's Bea.

[ Kisses, Blows ]

Well, it's a pleasure to meet you ladies. Thank you.

We thought it would be nice to bring him a nice homemade lunch.

Oh, that's very sweet. Well, I'm Samantha.

Come on. I'll show you where he works. Okay.

[ Imitates Turret Motor, Gun Firing ]

You're dying. [ Makes Beeping Noise ]

Hey, Jeff. Hi.

Is Alex around? He has some visitors.

Uh, no. No, he's not. Hi, ladies.

Did you go to high school with Alex? [ Laughing ]

[ Laughing ]

[ Softly ] Thank you.

[ Chuckling ] We're his roommates.

[ Laughing Stops ] [ Mouths Words ]

You'resthe reason Alex has been tired all week?

We have been sort of rough on him, but he is kind of soft, if you know what I mean.

[ Chuckling ] Well, we're not used to having a man in the house, so I guess we-- we ride him pretty hard.

Oh! That is so gnarly. So where is he?

Uh, I haven't seen him.

He's definitely not under his desk sleeping. That's a fact.

[ Mouthing Words ] Well, he's probably working hard somewhere.

Could you please just give him his lunch... and tell him that I've had such fun playing with his new toy all morning.

And when he comes home later, he can play with me. Oh, my gosh!

I'm gonna barf. [ Jeff ] That is so repulsive.

All right! That's enough. I'm-I'm here.

Well, there you are. Hi, Grandma.

We missed you. I was somewhere else, working hard on something.

Dude, what is going on? This is my grandmother.

Hello. These are her two roommates.

I've been living with them for the last week.

Okay. [ Chuckles ]

Hi, Grandma, ladies. Hi.

Good to know. Dude. [ Whistles ]

Jerking off on my mom is one thing, but bangin' your grandmother and her roommates?

That's like... legendary. You're an idiot.

Hey, y-you know what, ladies? Uh, why don't I--

Come on. I'll walk you out. No, we're gonna go this way, Bea.

[ Makes High-pitched Noise ] Oh, my God.

Holy crap. Dildo lunch?

Sometimes they're marked like this first one, which is by Llewellyn.

Sometimes they're not. Sometimes they're just great style, like this one, um--

Oh. Hi, sweetheart. Hey, Grandma.

Hey, Bea. You know, you guys should probably go to bed early.

You have a busy day tomorrow. What do you mean?

I don't have any plans. No.

I just figured you wanna be well-rested if you're gonna go to...

Antiques Roadshow. [ Gasps, Laughs ]

Oh! Alex, you're an angel.

Oh, you can stay as long as you like and love any man you choose.

Pamela Mills here in Van Nuys, where a rare breed of African lion was captured in a residential neighborhood.

Sir, what was going through your head when you came upon the lion?

This shit is fuckin' crazy.

I don't even know how a lion got into the neighborhood.

I heard some growlin' and shit out in the yard.

So my roommate and I, we go to check the shit out.

I look up in the tree, and there's the fucking king of the jungle!

You know, you ladies should really get some sleep. Ooh. Yes, that's right.

We need our beauty sleep because we have to get a lot of things appraised.

Come on, Bea. Come on.

It was starin' right at me. I almost shit my fuckin' pants.

So I ran inside and called the 5-0.

Good night, ladies. [ Reporter Continues, Indistinct ]

Time to get some levels done.

** [ Rock ]

* Come and look me in the eyes *

* And hit me again *

[ Beeping ]

* When I see you havin' so much fun **

Okay. Okay, okay. All right. Maybe we can just divide up the levels... and just do them right now.

There's no time. We're screwed. [ Sighs ]

Are we gonna get fired?

I mean, you might. We won't.

Boy, I hope I do. [ Chuckles ]

I'm a worthless asshole who deserves to die young.

Easy, Kane. He'll be here, you guys. Relax. Have faith.

Don't slit your wrists, Kane. I'm here.

Gentlemen, Levels 10 through 15, all done.

Oh, my God. I told you.

All right! Who wants a piece of the gray bush?

[ Clamoring ]

[ Exhales ] Still think I should die.

Thank you. Thank you.

Hopefully, that'll keep away the bad-energy troll.

Samantha, what's the latest?

Well, Mr. Cheezle, not only have these guys found all the bugs, but we have detailed instructions on how to fix 'em.

We're back on schedule. Phenomenal.

Phenomenal. Great energy.

Great energy.

I had a dream last night.

I dreamt I was a dove flying over the sea.

And then I dove into the ocean-- [ Imitates Water Splashing ] and I swam with the dolphins.

I was two animals joined as one, which meant good things are coming.

Good things.

Samantha, why don't you take the guys out for dinner tonight, on Brainasium.

Uh, sure.

Yeah, Samantha. Take us out.

Yeah, let's fuckin' rage! Rage?

Uh, you know, Mr. Cheezle, fly with the seabirds or whatever you were talking about.

Oh, okay. Okay. Fair enough. Yeah. Rage it up. Rage all you want.

Good things are coming. Good things.

Hey, Samantha. Hey.

[ Sighs ] Look, sorry I can't make the dinner tonight.

I just got the new season of Buffy on DVD, and I'm gonna kick it in my crib and watch the bonus features.

Wow. I, uh, didn't even know that that came out. It hasn't yet.

I know people.

Cool. Well, you... have a long night ahead of you.

If you want me to come, I totally will. Don't worry about it.

Or if you wanna call me afterwards, you totally can, probably.

Uh, you know, actually, I'm really tired, so I'm probably not gonna stay out so late.

But, uh, I will definitely see you on Monday.

Listen, uh, I realize that it must be really... intimidating to talk to me, you know.

But underneath this genius, I'm simply a human, you know.

But I'm working on that.

J.P.? Yeah?

I have to go. Okay.

[ Robot Voice ] Drive safe.

** [ New Age ]

I have chosen our very best table for your party.

Oh, thank you. You're welcome. This is our harmony table.

Thank you.

Take a look, please, at our very exclusive vitamin water list.

Oh, I'll look at that, yeah. Enjoy the harmony.

[ Kisses, Exhales ] [ Sighs ]

This is where we get to have our big dinner, huh?

Mr. Cheezle picked it. There's a shocker.

This menu sucks. The tofu cakes look kinda good, maybe?

Do they even have alcohol? Actually, we don't serve alcohol.

Bummer, I know. But, uh-- [ Laughs ] this must be your first time here at Our Lady Health.

I'm Shylo. I'll be your waiter all day.

I'm sorry. Did you say your name was Shylo?

Yeah, Shylo. That's weird.

Jeff. What? It's weird.

He meant gay. Stop it.

No alcohol? This place sucks.

Hey, fella. Give it a chance.

We do serve shots... of wheatgrass.

That's cool, if you wanna be sober and vomit.

[ Laughs ] Uh, excuse me, sir. What do you recommend for appetizers?

Ooh, you know what everyone's buzzing about is the bean sprout quesadilla. Mmm.

You know what? There's a Tommy burger right down the street.

Let's just do that, you guys. That sounds good.

Look, guys. Come on. I know the food's a little different here, but it's actually good and good for you.

We don't serve it with any grease or fat.

If we pay extra, could we maybe get some grease or fat?

[ Snickers ] Do you have bathrooms or do I have to shit in the plant?

[ Laughing ] [ Mocking Laughter ]

Stupid fucking idiot, red-shirted ass.

You guys think you're so fucking cool. Makes me sick!

"Let's go make fun of the vegans and their crazy lifestyle. We're not hurting anyone."

Go eat a hamburger and choke on a cow dick.

Aw. Someone missed their yoga class this morning. Come on. Let's go.

Nice karma, "Guy-blow." You said it wrong, stupid. It's Shylo.

[ Imitates Flute ]

We're really sorry, sir. You were sweet.

[ Bea ] Thank you, Lilly.

I still can't believe they appraised that footstool at $200, though.

I know. Who would have thought that was early Victorian?

I wanted to win some money.

I tried to tell you that was an old piece of dried dog poop, but you didn't wanna believe me. Poop-poop-pi-doop.

Hey. This tea has quite a kick. What is it?

I'm not sure. I found this in one of Sophie's old tins, and I just thought it would be nice to do it in-- in her memory.

Here's to you, Sophie.

[ All Slurping ]

[ Barry ] Come on, Kane. Call it! I'm winning! I'm winning!

I'm winning! Please! Call it! Merry Christmas.

Please! I can't breathe! It's not a joke!

There is absolutely no way that you could ever beat me at any video game.

Oh, really? Yeah.

You know, while other girls growing up were playing with Barbies, I was beatin' my brothers at "Super Mario."

Ooh, "Super Mario." Nice name-drop.

How long have you been a tester? Like 10 years?

Wow. I used to be an accountant.

Then I woke up one day and realized I was miserable.

So I walked into my boss's office and I said, "Dad, I quit."

"Dad." Nice name-drop.

At the end of the day, you have to do what you're passionate about.


Plus, you can't get stoned and be an accountant.

Make too many mistakes, you lose people millions of dollars, you get fired.

[ Laughs ] It's like--

Dude, can we go back to your grandma's house? I have to use the bathroom.

We are not goin' to my grandma's house. Go pee in the alley.

I have to pee out of my ass. [ Samantha ] Oh, man.

You know what? It's too late to go to your grandma's house. I should get going anyway.

No, no, no, no, no. It's not that late. It's right around the corner. We can totally go.

It's an emergency. [ Groans ]

Now, remember. They're probably sleeping, so please be quiet.

[ Man Speaking Spanish ] Think I hear voices.

Is that Spanish? Número dos. Ándale.

[ Man Continues In Spanish ] [ Women Laughing ]

[ Laughing Continues ]

Hey, Grandma.

I don't understand wha-- [ Laughs ] what these people are saying. [ Mouths Words ]

[ Continues In Spanish ]

Chi-Chi Zapata.

Chi-Chi choochy loco-co.

I didn't know you were bringin' people.

I would have... trimmed my antlers.

Your grandma's hilarious. Yeah, she's not normally like this.

Is that beer? Can I have one?

Here, you can have all of them. Where's the bathroom?

It's upstairs, to the left.

** [ Salsa ] Oh, I love that music.

** [ Singing In Spanish ]

Come here, cutie. Oh, hey.

[ Babbling ] Ow. My face.

[ Both Laughing ]

Hey. Hey, Grandma?

Do you-- Do you think maybe I could talk to you in the kitchen for a second?

Oh, sure, honey. I want a beer. Okay.

Come on. Why don't we have that beer in the kitchen?

Okay, honey. Woo-hoo.

Here's a pill. [ Screams, Laughs ]

Grandma, why aren't you in bed?

[ Belches ] Oop. Oh. Excuse me.

[ Can Crinkles ]

Well, w-we were getting-- [ Laughs ]

We were getting ready for bed, and-and then we had a pot of Sophie's tea.

What tea? Sophie's tea, from the tin on her dresser.

Oh, we thought it would be nice to-- to drink it in memory of Sophie.

[ Whispering ] I can hear my hair growing.

You want some soup?

I-I'm okay, Grandma.

My grandma drank all my pot. That is great.

I'm just saying it's cool. I mean, how many people get to say that in their lifetime?

Do you have any more pot? No.

I could definitely smoke a joint right now.

Really? Yeah.

Call that weirdo Dante. Yeah, call him.

Hey, easy, pothead. I'll get you your fix.

It's cool if I invited some of my friends from the Crazy Beaver, right?

Maybe next time you could go a little less on the crazy and a little more on the beaver.

There's no trouble, bro. They're people, just like you and me.

Now hit this joint and have some fun.

This isn't the, uh, "I think I'm a deer" shit, is it?

No, you're smokin' the Frankenstein. [ Coughing ]

Why is it Frankenstein? 'Cause after you smoke it, you walk like this.

[ Laughing ] Need food.

** [ Rock ]

Look, I'm the Cookie Monster.

* Just to see you *

* And I know you *

[ Lilly ] What's up, homey?

Peanut butter.

* I gotta touch you * I love Madame Kamay.

* Baby we'll be at the drive-in *

* In the old man's Ford *

* Behind the bushes till I'm beggin' for more *

Let's just say I learned a lot about owning a lion.

He learned better not own one.

Nice English words, Dr. Shakalu. [ Chuckles ] Thank "boo."

Hey, Dante. Uh, my girlfriend and I caught you on the news yesterday.

Really? Yeah.

By "girlfriend," do you mean that piece of rabbit fur you rub on your dick every night?

[ Laughs ] Yeah. Yeah.

Hey, man. Lookin' back, maybe that lion was a bad idea.

That's why Dr. Shakalu's hookin' me up with a monkey.

I'm gonna teach it tae kwon do.

[ Shouts, Speaks French ]

Yeah, a... karate monkey. You know, that's probably safer.

Yeah. It makes sense.

Who wants some cereal? Yeah!

[ Snickers ] Colonel Crackers is the best!

Oh, I just wish he would hop off the box and hang out with us.

I think he's so cute.

Guess I'm not high enough to get that one. [ Chuckles ]

Guess what else you're not gonna get, party pooper?

The colonel. Here, honey.

Sucks to be you, nerd.

Hey, has anybody got a light? I found some weed.

Oh, I do. I wanna smoke it.

It'll be fun. What is this?

Ew! It's J.P.'s phone number.

Lucky you. You guys heard him talk like a robot?

[ Robot Voice ] He's a fucking psycho.

Hey, we gotta prank call him. Let's prank call him.

No, no, no, no, no. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Stupid polygon.

[ Robot Voice, Normal Voice ] Debug! I tried that.

[ Robot Voice, Normal Voice ] Graphic meter! No, that's not it.

Shit! This is not working.

[ Robot Voice ] You'll never finish. This game is falling apart.

[ Normal Voice ] No, it's not. Shut up.

[ Robot Voice, Normal Voice ] You're letting everyone down. No, I'm not.

I'm gonna make this game, and it's gonna be the best thing that anyone has ever seen.

[ Robot Voice ] Delusional thoughts from Fantasy Island.

You'll never get metal legs. Samantha is fucking Alex.

[ Normal Voice ] No, she's not!

[ Grunts ] Oh!

[ Buzzes ]

** [ Rock ]


Oh, my God. Hey. Look how young and cute you are.

Hey. [ Chuckles ] Oh, my God.

Baby want some milk?

Baby loves milk.

Oh, my God. [ Slurping ]

[ Slurping Continues, Laughs ]

[ Laughs, Mutters ]

Yeah, suck those jugs, kid!

[ All Laughing ] [ Chuckles ]

[ Muffled ] They're so good.

Oh, kick to the head. Yeah!

There we go. There we go. What is that little baby move?

You want an ice cream sandwich? They're on whole wheat with lettuce.

Oh, no. That's okay. But you know what?

I think the bikers want some in the dining room. Oh, okay.

Distract me with my grandmother. Watch this. Yep. That's right.

"X," "Y," "X." Back-breaker! Oh, you're dead! I killed you!

So, I mean, what's it like being old? It's gotta be weird, right?

I mean, you saw a lot of stuff go down:

World War I, World War II, the automobile, Tupac-- I mean--

I once gave Charlie Chaplin a hand job.

No way! Was he silent?

[ Chuckles ] Not after I was done with him.

Oh, you're so cute.

You remind me of Charlie.

You little tramp, you.

* Are you hoping for a miracle * Cabo Wabo shots.

You're up first, Samantha. [ Speaking Foreign Language ]

I don't think so. Tequila really messes me up.

It's supposed to. Come on.

Well, you know, if you don't do it, I'm gonna do it, and that's one more thing I beat you at. Oh, you asshole!

All right. Pour me one. You know what? Pour me two.

I feel like Tom Cruise in Cocktail. [ Laughs ]

Hey, you don't really have to do two. I was just kidding.

What's the matter, nana's boy? Can't hang?

[ Laughs ] Wow.

Someone ass getting laid tonight.

[ Farts ]

Doctor, we're not in the rain forest, man.

[ Laughs ]

My beef-- [ Sniffs ] strong.

Your beef wrong.

And here I am with Abbott and Costello.

Wow. Which one did you nail?

[ Chuckles ] One? Try both.

[ Scoffs ] You were a dirty old whore.

What do you mean, were?


* Sittin' sideways boys in a daze *

* Sittin' sideways boys in a daze *

* Sittin' sideways boys in a daze *

* On a Sunday night I might bang me some maze *

* Sittin' sideways boys in a daze *

I wanna... sing?

What? You're too wasted to sing.

Whatever. Like there's such a thing as too wasted.

* Bow wow, baby * Sorry.

* The candy paint drippin' off of the old school Impala * [ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Record Scratches ] ** [ Stops ]

** [ Pop ]

[ Screams ] Ow!


* Salt 'n' Pepa's here *

* Salt 'n' Pepa, Salt 'n' Pepa Salt 'n' Pepa's here *

* Salt, Salt, Salt Salt 'n' Pepa's here *

* And we're in effect Want you to push it, yeah *

* Coolin' all day then at night working up a sweat *

* Come on, y'all Let's go show those guys that we know *

* How to become number one in a hot party show *

* Now push it *

* Push it good *

* P-Push it real good *

* Push it good *

* P-Push it real good **

I fucking love this girl!

[ Dante ] Yo, Frankenstein!

[ Music, Chattering Fade ]

[ Birds Chirping ]


[ Whispering ] Ooh.

[ Groans ] Oh.

Oh. [ Sighs ]

Did I hallucinate a party last night?

That is adora-- Look at the little cowboy hat.

[ Chuckles ] Morning.

Well, you must have been off duty last night, Sheriff.

Great, old pictures, 'cause you know, for a minute, I thought it might be something embarrassing. [ Both Laughing ]

What Halloween was that? No, that wasn't Halloween.

That was his first day at high school. Oh. Are those leopard spandex?

[ Chuckles ] Look. You can see his pee-pee.

Okay, okay. The sheriff demands that those pictures be burned.

Oh, look here. Look at this report card.

Let's see. All A's. Impressive.

I'm a genius. What can I say?

Well, you were up till high school.

Then all of a sudden, he got unfocused. I guess it was just puberty.

Yeah. It was definitely puberty.

Oh, lookit here.

Here's Alex's grandfather holding baby Alex.

It was 10 years last month.

I'm so sorry.

[ Cries ] That's why I like Alex to be in the house, because it makes me feel closer to him.

He loved you so much.

I loved him, and I love you, and I love being your roomie.

You would have loved my grandfather.

He was the coolest. He would have had a beer or two with us last night.

He would have had 20.

No, he had a problem. He would have definitely fit in with that crowd then.

We had such fun last night. I've gotta get the name of that tea.

Oh, my gosh. It's already noon.

I should probably get going. Alex, could you give me a ride?

Oh, yeah. Totally. It was such a pleasure.

Thank you for showing me all the photos. Come anytime, sweetheart.

I've got four more boxes. Okay.

Okay. Bye-bye.

[ Mouthing Words ] Oh.

See you later, Grandma. Okay.

[ Muttering ]

Barry, I think it's time for you and the milk maid to go home. [ Muffled ] Okay, Alex.

Yeah. West West, yo.

Grace, I have a confession to make.

Uh, you... were my first.


Oh, that's sweet.

Let's see. You were my, uh--

I don't know. 3,000 something.

Word up. [ Sighs ]


[ Inhales ]

I should have worn a condom.

[ Alex ] Nice place.

I've never met anyone with 300 roommates.

Yeah, it gets messy, but I've got 50 housekeepers, so--

That helps.

This is my room. Here we are.



So I will, uh... see you on Monday.

See you on Monday.

Thanks for the ride. You're welcome.

Ah, shit. I forgot my parking ticket.

Hey, I forgot my--

Wow. I just came back to get my parking ticket.

I know. Here. What if I had been the bellboy?

I was kinda hopin' you were.

I'll see you at work. I'll be there.

I'll be the older gentleman.

[ Imitates Hydraulics ]

[ Robot Voice ] I am a genius.

[ Imitates Hydraulics ]

[ Robot Voice ] Samantha, you will be mine, mine.

Must ingest more fuel.

[ Imitates Hydraulics ]

[ Beeping ]

[ Normal Voice ] When did I get a message?

[ Beeps ] [ Female Voice ] You have one new message.

[ Alex ] Hey, J.P., you fuckin' freak.

We're partyin'. Where are you at?

[ Chuckles ] I'll chirp you later. Here's Sam.

[ Samantha ] What do I-- Hey, J.P.

We celebrated the game tonight, so-- Jeff, stop it.

[ Jeff, Robot Voice ] Give me the phone. My name is J.P.

I am a robot. I like robots. I have a robot vagina. [ Line Disconnects ]

[ Robot Voice ] I am not amused.

Yes, that's correct. She gave Charlie Chaplin a hand job.

Yeah. Next question. Right here.

Do you think that she invented the hand job?

Ooh. No, I don't.

But she did say she started the finger in the ass during a blow job.

Yeah. She was a pioneer.

Uh, the big news from the party, ladies and gentlemen, Barry sucked on his first booby.

For 13 hours. [ Giggles ] [ Applause ]

Okay. That's enough. Thank you.

[ Applause Stops ]

Jeff, sounded like quite a fun party Friday. [ Snorts ]

What do you mean? I got the hilarious message that you and Alex left.

Almost as hilarious as your... face.

Look, we were just kidding, J.P.

[ Robot Voice ] * Don't be mad at us ** [ All Laughing ]

[ Giggles ] So where's Alex?

What, did he take the day off and die of old age?

No, he went to lunch with Samantha. What?

[ Grunts, Imitates Hydraulics ]

[ All Laughing ]

So, who wants to hear about my S.T.D. from the silent film era?

Yeah, hands up. This chick's pussy smelled like the Great Depression.

Do you want any snacks, Alex?

Oh. No, thanks, Grandma. I'm fine.

[ Typing ] [ Electronic Whooshing ]

[ Groaning ] [ Doorbell Rings ]

[ Lilly ] Could you get that please, dear?

Sure thing, Grandma.

Maybe it's a fireman stripper, Alex. I can only hope, Grace.

The fuck are you doin' here? I need to speak with you, Alex.

[ Sobbing ]

It's just that the phone message really bummed me out.

I-- I can't help it that I'm different.

I just-- I want you guys to like me, and you look at me like I'm a f-freak.

[ Whimpering, Sobbing ]

J.P., I gotta be honest. The robot voice does not help your cause.

[ Sniffles ] I know. I do it when I get nervous.

[ Groans ] Look, nobody hates you, okay?

I'm gonna talk to Jeff and the other guys, and we'll all go hang out one night.

And Samantha? And Samantha.

Really? That'll be awesome. Thanks, Alex.

Hey, everyone at Brainasium totally respects you.

I mean, you created one of the greatest games ever when you were just a kid.

You're a fuckin' legend, man.

I know. I am pretty... amazing.

[ Chuckles ]

Mmm. What's that?

Oh, that's nothing.

It's-- Well--

It's this game I've been designing in my spare time... for the last couple of years.

Wow. This 3-D mapping is so smooth.

Yeah. Did you design it by yourself?

Yeah. Yeah. There's no clipping at all.

Who did the programming? Uh, I did that too.

Hey, what can I say? I'm a 35-year-old prodigy.

[ Chortling ] Thirty-five-- prodi--

The collision detection's excellent on this.

Hey, you know what? I could, like, take this home for you... and-and maybe give you some notes on it or something.

You know, that's something a normal person... or a friend would do, right?

Yeah. Yeah, actually. That-That would be really cool.

The lighting effects are really realistic.

Here. Just, uh--

Do me a favor, all right? Don't-Don't be too critical. I-I'm not a genius.

I'm a genius. Yeah, I know you are.

And also, dude-- I haven't told any of the guys at work about this.

It's kind of a secret, uh--

So just be careful with that disk and-and-and don't tell anyone.

Oh, yeah. Careful's my middle name. [ Chuckles ]

Actually, it's not. It's Philip.

[ Sobs ]

Doctor, hand me a Baggie, please? Here go.

Thanks, pal.

This guy's not gonna rip my heart out of my chest and show it to me, is he?

No. This is Mr. Lee Ho.

He's teaching me and Monkey tae kwon do.

I got my yellow belt today. Monkey got his red belt. He's a quick learner.

Monkey sucker... punch!

That's how I got this fat lip. Where's the monkey now?

He's upstairs, puttin' his nunchakus away.

Yo, that party was off the hook, kid.

Your girl can drink her fuckin' face off.

[ Screeching, Banging ] Shut up, Monkey! I got company, dude.

[ Screeching, Banging Continue ]

Doctor, can you tell Mr. Lee Ho to go make the monkey be quiet?

Yes, sir. [ Speaking Foreign Language ]

[ Foreign Language ]

[ Screeching, Banging Continue ]

[ Shouting ]

[ Foreign Language ]

Lee Ho's the real deal. He's full-on Chinese. Yeah, I can see that.

[ Lee Ho Shouting, Blows Landing ]

[ Thud, Glass Breaking ] What the fuck?

Mr. Lee Ho?


[ Screeching ] [ Crash ]

Oh, shit! [ Dante ] Monkey, please stop!

You have to cup your arm at the bottom tightly and then release slowly like this.

Watch. [ Farting Noise ]

Try it.

[ Soft Farting Noise ] Dude, I-- I can't do it.

Just practice on the weekends and stuff in your free time. You'll get it.

Don't tell me your grandma beats you.

That's... more believable than what actually happened.

So, what's this big meeting about?

[ Inhales ] I think it's about farting.

[ Farting Noise ]

Gentlemen, Samantha, last night I received a rough copy of J.P.'s new game, and let me just say that it invaded my mind with such force...

I thought I was going to explode into the atmosphere.

It really is amazing.

[ Cheezle ] Yes. If you turn your attention to the monitor, I'll give you a glimpse of the future.

Prepare your minds for... "Demonik."

What? [ Electronic Whooshing ]

This is my game. Shh. I wanna watch.

Uh-- Hey, no. No. Stop, please.

This-- This is my game. [ Electronic Whooshing ]

What are you saying, Alex? I've been developing this game for over three years.

What are you talkin' about? I've been workin' on this game all year.

You know that, Mr. Cheezle.

Okay, that's bullshit.

RoboBitch came over to my house last night. I showed him this game.

He said he was gonna give me some notes on it, not fuckin' steal it.

Do you have another copy of the game? No.

Oh, well. That's convenient. [ Snorts ]

Why didn't you tell me you were designing a game?

[ Exhales ] I don't know. I-I was self-conscious about it.

Oh, how cute. He's just trying to get into your pants.

Dude, I will come over there and kick your robot head right off of that skinny fuckin' body.

Wait, Alex. You're really clouding the energy in this room right now.

Is there any way that you can prove that this is your game?

Challenge him, dude. Yeah!

What's that gonna prove, Jeff? He probably stole the game from me, copied it and learned all the moves in one night.

Mr. Cheezle, this is sad. Okay. That's it!

[ Cheezle ] Whoa!

[ Imitates Hydraulics ] [ Cheezle ] Wow, Alex.

Dude, you gotta cool down. And you come back tomorrow and apologize to J.P. I'm sorry.

Apologize? I been bustin' my ass on this game!

Okay. Now your energy is really scarin' me.

You know what? Fuck energy. Fuck J.P.

Fuck Brainasium. Fuck all of you. I quit.

Wait! Alex-- Let him go. Let him go.

[ Door Opens ] Let him find his center and realign his chi.

** [ Bongo Drums ] That's right, Monkey. Play my head.

** [ Stops ] I want you to take the Frankenstein shit, the deer shit, the green monster, the bling and the bling-bling, and I want you to roll it all into one joint.

No one's ever been brave enough to try that.

One man is. Roll it.

I'll smoke it with you, bro. We'll go to the loony bin together. I don't give a fuck.

[ Brakes Screech, Engine Revs, Shuts Off ]

Hey, Lilly. Is Alex here? Hi, Samantha.

No, honey. He should be at work.

But-- Why? Is there something wrong?

No. He's not hurt or anything. There was an argument at work over this video game, and--

Alex's game, "Demonik"? Yeah. Do you know it?

Of course. I love it.

I'm almost at the final checking point, except I have to deal with those zombies.

They keep biting my neck. [ Chuckles ]

Hey, Lilly. Could you do me a favor? Sure.

[ Cackles ]

I'm videotapin' this for scientific research.

This shit will be on the Discovery Channel.

[ Coughing ]

Don't judge me, Monkey.

I just don't understand it. Why would anybody do that, try to steal that from him?

[ Samantha ] I don't know, Lilly, but he's not gonna--

Keep tryin', guys. Backstreet for life. Oh, hey.

Hey, Jeff. Can you find Alex?

I'm gonna take his grandmother to Cheezle's office and get this mess figured out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not a problem. Totally. Thank you.

Hello, Jeffrey. What's up, silver fox?

Why are you so sweaty?

Oh, I started a fight club. Oh.

Yeah. So, where's Alex?

We don't know. Nobody can find him.

I know where he is. Come on, babe.

You got skills.

[ Phone Ringing ]

[ Ringing Continues ] Wh-- What is that ringing?

Do I have a tumor? [ Rings ]

Oh. Hello? [ Phone Beeps ]

Hey, Dante. Is Alex there? Hold on.

Phone's for you. I think it's the devil.

Hello? Hey, Alex. You gotta come back to work.

[ Inhaling ] I quit there fuckin' months ago, man.

How baked are you right now? Who is this?

[ Laughing ] Is this Marv Albert?

[ Mouths Words ] God, you're torched.

Um-- Okay, look. There's an emergency.

J.P. revealed himself to be an actual robot, and he kidnapped your grandma, and he's gonna eat her soul out of her head.

My grandmother's in trouble? I'll be right there. [ Beeps ]

[ Moaning ] He's on his way.

How much time to we have? Enough time to 69.

Oh. Just like Don Knotts. Oh. Hello, Mayberry.

You gotta give me a ride.

I'm way too baked to drive to the devil's house.

[ Laughing ]

Drive, Monkey! Drive! [ Car Horn Honking ]

[ Chittering ]

I love what you did with the bit-mapping.

Very stylish, very aggressive, very, very Miyamoto.

Right. That's what I was going for. [ Door Opens ]

Um, excuse me, Mr. Cheezle? Yes, Samantha?

I have proof that J.P. stole Alex's game. What proof?

I can't believe this stupidity!

You actually want me to play a 90-year-old woman? Ninety?

[ Chittering ] [ Alex ] Grandma.

What are you doin' here? I'm tryin' to show these people that you are not a liar.

Okay, let's go. Let's start the game.

[ Cheezle ] All your attention on the monitors, everybody.

Here I come to get ya.

Get him. Get him. There he is. Okay. Okay.

Come on!

Yes! How about that?

Fireball! Fireball!

Take this Level 2 lightning.

That's not good. Don't worry. You're fine.

Take a little bit of the plague.

[ Alex ] Come on, Grandma. Get up.

Come on. Get up. Get up. Recover. Recover.

Hey, it's 4:00. Murder, She Wrote is on. [ Chuckles ]

Jerk! Get him, Lilly. Get him--

Don't forget I'm a prodigy.

[ Roaring ]

And don't forget it's my grandson's game.

I will taste your flesh!

[ Cheering, Applause ]

[ Imitates Hydraulics ]

[ Indistinct ] [ Alex ] Yeah, Grandma!

You guys, stop. That's right, Grandma.

I am so sorry I didn't believe you, Alex.

You know, I had a dream last night. I was a snake slithering through the grass, until I came upon a dead elk.

And I climbed... into his soul. And it's there I stayed until morning.

Which meant that I will... underestimate someone very close to me.

Wow. Where do you get your weed?

From you, Dante. Oh, yeah!

What's up, Mr. Cheezle?

Okay, J.P. Let's go.

We'll have your mom come and pick you up.

[ Imitating Hydraulics ]

[ Robot Voice ] Take care, J.P.

[ Robot Voice ] Please sit on my face.

That was not appropriate.

* You're the stuff You're the mind *

* Just get on down Stop the time *

* This Saturday night Appetite *

* This is what you can be *

* Somethin' like dynamite ** To the release... of "Demonik."

Cheers. Hear, hear.

Yeah. Kanpai.

Woo! Hey-Hey, Dante.

We're all toasting. Hold up, yo.

I been savin' this weed for a special occasion. What kind is this?

This one's called the brown bomber, 'cause when you smoke it, you get so stoned you shit your pants!

[ Laughs ] Oh.

I'm not-- I don't wanna do that. [ Barry ] Uh, yeah.

I already shit my pants this month, so I'm good.

Whatever. [ Loud Thud ]

Uh, what the fuck was that?

That's a present Dr. Shakalu and I got for Alex.

[ Clicking Tongue, Laughs ]

[ Loud Thud ]

Dude, a bag of weed would have been fine.

[ Elephant Trumpets ] [ Thud ]

[ Dante ] Yeah, Monkey! Karate chop the elephant! [ Screeches ]

** [ Hip-hop ]

* Grandma's Boy *

* Cool kid *

* Courage, courage *

* See Alex is a grown man He live with his grandma Lilly *

* He's lookin' for a small space to light up his bong *

* At Nana's house Jeff with the old lady *

* Kissin' 'em in the mouth *

* A sucker for love Look at him gettin' his rub *

* Is he a virgin In fact headed for the tub *

* With a pj suit On a pj cruise *

* A little kid with his own room Watchin' the news *

* Stuck in a grown body Playin' with a hottie *

* Jeff and Grace kissin' Stoned in the kitchen *

* With Bea in the house Takin' pills *

* Y'all see in the house The pot smoker *

* Alex in the bathroom The shirt with Dr. Doom *

* Jerkin' it off and workin' it off *

* Grandma's boyee * * Tell your friends and they'll say you're a jerk *

* Grandma's boyee * * She'll bring your lunch in your bag at work *

* Grandma's boyee * * Every night makin' cups of tea *

* Grandma's boyee * * You better not let 'em find your weed *

* Barry's in the groove Still tastin' on the boobs *

* He's stuck on a chest Sometimes he won't move *

* The coworker chewin' the breasts like a hamburger *

* Josh the peepin' Tom looker *

* With big hookers in the backseat Pimpin' the taxi *

* Mr. Cheezle Lookin' for good things like a weasel *

* A diamond bezel You know the level *

* Kickin' it all Bass and treble *

* Nana's got Alex's chronic in the teakettle *

* The weed got 'em settled Everybody pushin' the pedal *

* They invited the guests They invited the best *

* A house party playin' the video game Grandma put 'em to shame *

* J.P. got rowdy The next mornin' they was outie *

* Grandma's boyee * * Tell your friends and they'll say you're a jerk *

* Grandma's boyee * * She'll bring your lunch in your bag at work *

* Grandma's boyee * * Every night makin' cups of tea *

* Grandma's boyee * * You better not let 'em find your weed *

* Na na na Na na na *

* Na na na na na *

* Na na na Na na na *

* Na na na na na *

* Chillin' at the party Girl, I'm on top of you *

* The monkey drivin' me to see Dr. Shakalu *

* We gettin' late tonight 2:03 Grandma lightin' the tea *

* Eternal def And something's wrong with J.P. *

* Raisin' the philly with Lilly I'm the big woolly *

* Samantha dancin' By the wall romancin' *

* Drinkin' the cup loud Wakin' everybody up *

* Takin' her clothes off like a stripper I'm ready to tip her *

* Dante stoned out with his hands in the lion's mouth *

* On the mattress with Lilly's colonial crackers *

* Watchin' the Green Bay Packers A cast of part actors *

* With high tokes of the Frankenstein with pot factors *

* Direct from the robot years You better have robot ears *

* Grandma's boyee * * Tell your friends and they'll say you're a jerk *

* Grandma's boyee * * She'll bring your lunch in your bag at work *

* Grandma's boyee * * Every night makin' cups of tea *

* Grandma's boyee * * You better not let 'em find your weed *

* Na na na Na na na *

* Na na na na na *

* Na na na Na na na *

* Na na na na na *

* Na na na Na na na *

* Na na na na na *

* Yeah *

* Gran Granny Gran *

* Granmizzle *

* Granmizzle-a-la *

* Granmiz-a-ka *

* Granmoka, Granmika, Grandma *

* Granmizzizles Granmizzle *

* Granmikle Granmaka *

* Granmatos *

* Different ways to say Grandma ** ** [ Ends ]

** [ Rock ]

* Forget your eyes Do you see what I see *

* Why don't you move your walk right by me *

* Just another day in the neighborhood *

* I can do no harm I can do no good *

* Just another day Just another day *

* Just another day Just another day *

* We want a day to go where *

* I don't feel like getting higher *

* We want a day to go where *

* I don't feel like harmin' myself *

* We want a day to go where *

* You and me are free again *

* We want a day We want a day *

* We want a day *

** [ Ends ]