Gray Matters (2006) Script

[inspirational orchestral music]

[record crackling]

[upbeat ragtime music]

[car honks]

[upbeat rock music]

[car honks]

[engines rumbling]

[contemplative synth music]

[dramatic orchestral music]


["Cheek to Cheek" by Jane Krakowski and Tony Sotos]

♪ Heaven, I'm in heaven

♪ And my heart beats so that I can hardly speak ♪

[Sam groans]

♪ And I seem to find the happiness I seek ♪

♪ When we're out together dancing cheek to cheek ♪

♪ Heaven, I'm in heaven

♪ And the cares that hung around me through the week ♪

♪ Seem to vanish like a gambler's lucky streak ♪

♪ When we're out together dancing cheek to cheek ♪

♪ Oh, I love to climb a mountain ♪

♪ And to reach the highest peak ♪

♪ But it doesn't thrill me half ♪

♪ As much as dancing cheek to cheek ♪

♪ Oh, I love to go out fishing

♪ In a river or a creek

♪ But I don't enjoy it half as much ♪

♪ As dancing cheek to cheek

♪ Oh, dance with me

♪ I want my arms about you

♪ The charms about you

♪ Will carry me through to

♪ Heaven, I'm in heaven

♪ And my heart beats so that I can hardly speak ♪

♪ And I seem to find the happiness I seek ♪

♪ When we're out together dancing cheek to cheek ♪

[people clapping]

♪ Come on, dance with me

♪ I'll dance with you anytime

♪ I want my arms about you

[Gray] Yes!

♪ Oh, the charms about you

♪ Will carry me through to

♪ Heaven, I'm in heaven

[people socializing]

♪ And my heart beats so that I can hardly speak ♪ What do you say, beers on me?

Cold ones on me.

♪ And I seem to find the happiness I seek ♪

♪ When we're out together dancing ♪

♪ Dancing and romancing

♪ We're out together dancing cheek to cheek ♪

♪ Oh, dance with me

[Sam] Hey.

Help!

Okay.

Help.

Oh.

Don't rush over, okay?

Pick up something for dinner?

Yeah, mm.

What you got?

Okay, I got us steak.

Good. And chicken.

Good. And fish.

And fish. And tofu.

Oh, good. And tempeh.

Oh, great, we got tempeh.

I couldn't decide, and then I got the regular essentials, like asparagus and lettuce.

[phone ringing] I got it.

Oh, I'm not home, okay?

Don't answer it, okay? Yeah, you're not home.

Hello?

Hey, Carrie.

Who?

Yeah, she's right here.

Hey, honey.

Dinner?

No, we just rented a DVD.

Raging Bull.

We do too go out.

I hate when you say that.

I hate it when she says that.

Okay, do you want a Merlot or cabernet?

Do you want something fruity or full-bodied?

Okay, okay, Californian, French, Argentinean, Chilean, Australian--

Still at it?

Okay, you don't have to yell.

[people socializing] [mellow salsa music]

[Sam claps]

That is amazing.

Oh my God, Carrie.

Can you believe this?

Ta-da!

Carrie, good work.

I would like to say something, to Carrie and Derek and their lovely friends. [speaks in foreign language]

Oh, my goodness. [laughs] [glasses clinking]

I don't know what it means, but it sounded beautiful.

It's a fake accent.

He's from Poughkeepsie.

God, he is adorable.

I could eat him alive.

Do you think he's single?

I don't think he plays on your team.

No, but he's overweight, and poofs are very rarely beefy.

I wrote a piece about that in a magazine once actually.

Did you? Mm-hmm.

Carrie, do you have the new Liza Minnelli CD?

Mm.

Okay, and scratch my last comment.

Cheers. Cheers.

Cheers.

How's that new campaign coming along?

Carrie tells me it's been brutal from the start.

Oh, more for you, yeah? Yes.

Red or white? I'll have red.

Right. Actually, I'll have white.

Okay.

You know, I'll have both. All right.

Well, Julia Barlett is not an easygoing client.

She is the worst.

If Carrie wasn't on the account, I'd pull my hair out.

Oh, honey.

Doesn't mean you're getting a promotion before me.

[Sam chuckles]

Ooh, you sneaky little bitch.

So, what do you do?

I'm doing my surgical residency at with a specialty in [beats] heart transplants.

Oh, fabulous.

Thanks.

And how long have you two been together?

Us two?

Mm-hmm. 30 years.

[both laughing]

I'm sorry, did I miss something?

Well, you were kidding, right?

No.

Gray's my sister.

Oh my God, no, ick, no!

I thought that you two were an item.

Well, I just- What?

These two?

Well, yeah, you seem so--

So?

I don't know, so together, I guess.

Hey, what'd I miss?

Well, she thinks we're together.

[Gray] Like together, together?

Like screwing each other together.

[Gray groans] Yeah, well, whatever.

You're not the first one to think that, Elaine.

Thank you. Let me tell you.

What? They're very codependent.

We are not! We are not!

Come on.

You rarely spend a minute apart, but if that's--

We do too.

All day at work, we never see each other then.

How about that, remember?

You want to know something?

I've even seen them share the same toothbrush.

[Both] One time.

Oh, ick.

One time is it's creepy.

Listen, I think that your relationship is charming.

Thank you.

Have you ever French-kissed?

[Sam coughs]

[people laughing]

That's beautiful.

We're gonna end up like the Delany sisters.

Who?

You know, the sisters that were

103 and 105, and they never got married, and they just did yoga and headstands together every day.

Yeah, I'll tell you what, that's what we should do, do headstands together, get the circulation flowing.

It'd be good for us. I'm serious.

We need to venture out.

Venture out, where?

When?

I'm too busy to date, and I'm not goin' to bars.

The girls there, all they do is they talk about how fat they are.

They're not fat.

They're not fat girls.

They're thin girls that think they're fat.

You know what I want?

I want a girl who's not afraid to eat a hot fudge sundae, okay, and have no guilt attached.

That's what I want.

Can't you meet a cute intern at the hospital?

[buzzes] Wrong, can't do it, too dangerous.

You can't have sexual tension and cut an artery.

It's awkward.

Okay, I'll look for a hot fudge sundae girl for you, and you look for a guy for me who is deep and sensitive and funny.

Okay.

Someone who doesn't think Ginger Rogers is one of the Spice Girls.

Okay.

Someone who wouldn't consider going to Florida traveling.

All right.

Someone who's not afraid of Ethiopian food, someone who doesn't think that Truffaut's a kind of mushroom, someone who would call me an hour after our first date and say, "I am crazy about you, and I'm counting the minutes

"until I could see you again."

That's not gonna be easy, darlin'.

Ethiopian food, I like that.

Eatin' with your fingers, things, it's quite festive.

[both laughing]

[traffic rumbling]

[phone ringing] Hey, Jimmy, happy birthday!

Hi, Tommy. Hi.

Oh, oh, sorry about that.

Hey, Jenny, I promise I'll write my dates.

I totally forgot, I'll do it in like two minutes.

Oh my God, I'm so sorry I'm late.

My Weight Watchers meeting went over, and it was too good to leave.

Why do you still go to those meetings?

You have an awesome figure.

Oh, thanks.

Derek thinks that I have flabby thighs.

Oh, he has nerve.

He has a receding hairline.

Did you mention that to him?

Did you tell him to go to receding hairline meetings?

Yeah, I know, right?

But trust me, the entertainment factor alone is worth it.

Today, it was so crazy.

There was this woman who was all mad at her husband for not letting her have dessert, so she breaks into the Soho Chocolate Factory and tried to drown herself in a vat of chocolate.

No. Yes.

Like Augustus Gloop in Willy Wonka?

Exactly, it's like the cuckoo show.

Ooh, let's see who's in Page Six today.

Carrie, we need to focus.

I have a B-Pro presentation in three minutes with copy that's so pedestrian, it sounds like a crossing guard wrote it.

Really, what happened to that cheerleading idea?

That was so good.

It's so cool and kitsch.

Kitsch is in. You think it was good?

I told Lana about it in the coffee room.

She said it was a big mistake.

She says Julia Barlett hates kitsch.

Lana?

Don't listen to Lana.

She's Mr. Phillips's secretary.

What does she know?

But I do think she does a lot more than just type for him.

Cough it up.

Okay, you wanna hear this?

I heard some hot gossip.

Yeah.

Lana, wait, I feel like somebody's listening.

Lana goes to Kemiko, my pedicurist, and told her, who then told Mrs. Karaquesh, my dry cleaner, that she and Mr. Phillips have been seeing each other for months.

No!

I know it's accurate gossip

'cause Mrs. Karaquesh never gossips.

Oh my God!

Ever.

Hey, Lana!

Hey!

Hey, what's up?

Do you want to have lunch with us today?

Oh, I'd love to, but Mr. Phillips asked me to do some research for him, so--

Oh, really?

Oh, that's too bad.

Maybe next week?

Definitely.

Okay.

Bye.

Research my ass.

You mean her ass. [snorts]

[upbeat synth music]

[Narrator] B-Pro.

The campaign--

Conrad, make sure the video system's on.

I want the whole company to hear this.

[machinery beeps]

It's on, sir.

Carry on, Gray.

The campaign exudes nostalgia, comedy, thrill, excitement and cutting-edge fashion all under one banner.

It'll appeal to a wide demographic and with an emotional end benefit of feeling charged up, to challenge themselves and seize the day and be the best they can be.

[Jordan laughs] [people clapping and whooping]

Well, Julia?

And I must say you look fantastic.

What do you think?

Great, no?

No.

No?

No.

Well, it's just an initial proposal.

I mean, it still needs to be tweaked and tuned.

You only tweak or tune if something has potential.

We'll go back to the drawing board then, that's all.

Why don't you call me when you have something original to present?

Julia, I'm sure we have a bunch of, shut that thing off.

I'm sure we have a bunch of things.

This is just one of them.

[machinery beeps] What's wrong with you?

That was crap.

Julia, just a second.

[phone ringing]

[mellow rock music]

I don't know, Sydney.

I don't know if this kind of therapy is working for me.

How come every road I take turns out to be a dead end?

Why couldn't it be a fork?

I like forks.

At least with a fork, there's a choice, right or left or east or west or this way or that way.

Mm-hmm, why do you think you always reach these dead ends?

Ooh, you see, gutter ball.

That's my life, a bunch of gutter balls.

Well, this is a perfect example of why having therapy in different locations is so important.

Look at the deep symbolism in that gutter ball.

No, this is good.

This is very, very good.

Can you think of one word that best describes the way your work situation makes you feel?

Can I have two?

No, one.

[pins clatter]

Oh!

Frustrated.

You're up.

All right.

[Sydney] Okay, another word for how you really feel when your brother wins all your races.

Frustrated.

Okay, another word for how you feel when you think about going on a date.

Closed for repairs.

That's not one word.

I know, but I can't help it.

It's a weird thing, but I see myself as this charming hotel that's beautifully romantic and wonderful on the outside, but on the inside, it just needs a ton of renovations.

Hence, closed for repairs.

Nice analogy.

What kinds of renovations?

Getting a promotion at work, perfecting the tango, disowning my mother, getting liposuction under my chin.

There's nothing worse than chin fat.

I think you need to let the idea of sharing your life with someone other than your brother enter your consciousness.

But how can I be conscious of something that I'm unconscious of?

It's not like I don't date.

I've had plenty of boyfriends.

Maybe I'm in a dry spell.

Let's try something.

How about keeping the hotel closed but keeping the veranda open for cocktails?

Well, I really like verandas.

I love trellises, and I love arboretums.

Aren't arboretums beautiful?

And those houses with the porch out front--

Gray, hold that thought 'cause we are out of time today, but we will resume this conversation next week at the rock climbing wall.

Nice game.

And what happened to going to a movie?

How are you gonna meet anyone in a dark movie theater?

How are you gonna meet anyone at a dog park?

Get off. Hello.

The dog park is a vortex for singles.

Hello, when did we become dog owners?

[dog barking]

No.

[dog panting]

[dog barking]

I wash my hand of this whole fiasco.

You're on your own here. Wait, not so fast.

Ow, grabbing.

Check out center field.

What about, ah!

[gasps] Yes! [dog barks]

Holy smokes.

I'll do the pre-interview.

If she's great, I'll scream, "Get the ball," and you casually swing over to close.

"Get the ball."

What, what? There's no way she's single.

Do what I say. You know what?

Don't get bossy.

[Gray whines] [Sam groans]

Try not to get hurt.

Spazzy men are not attractive.

Some spazzy men are attractive.

[Gray] Gosh, you're so beautiful.

Thank you. How old is she?

She just turned three in September, or should I say 21?

She's legal. [laughs]

Yeah, I suppose I should buy her her first cocktail, huh?

Maybe a liver martini with a beef jerky twist?

[laughs] I'm Charlie, originally Charlotte, but it always seemed too long and never quite suited me.

I'm Gray.

You can't really shorten that or it'd be Gra.

[laughs] Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Do you like old movies?

Yeah. Dancing?

Are you athletic?

Do you watch the Discovery Channel?

Well-- Do you have a boyfriend?

What is your favorite dessert?

[laughs] Okay, let's see.

I'm a 1940s movie buff.

I love to swing dance.

I've never been very good at sports.

Love the Discovery Channel, nix-ay on the boyfriend, and, well, it's kind of a tossup.

I like cheesecake, but I kind of love those big, gooey, hot fudge sundaes, so...

[laughs] Get the ball. [chuckles]

[Gray laughs]

Who's that?

Look at him!

Oh, you're so cute.

What's his name?

Fluffy. Suki.

Fluffy is his first name.

Suki is his pedestrian middle name.

Oh, well, you are so adorable.

How old is he?

He's five. One.

He's one, I mean, he's one-five, he's 15.

This is my brother, Sam.

Sam.

Sam.

My sea otter's name is Sam.

Is your sea otter's name Sam?

Yeah.

Wait, don't tell me you're one of those people that illegally keeps endangered animals in their apartment, like that guy that got caught with a leopard in his kitchen?

No, I'm a zoologist.

I'm doing an internship at New York Aquarium.

Ha, that's a relief.

Free Willy is my favorite movie.

[Charlie laughs]

Well, Free Willy one, two, and three.

It's hard to pick a favorite, and Jaws, Finding Nemo, Orca, Orca not so much.

Do you live around here?

Sort of, yeah, I'm staying on a friend's sofa for right now.

I just moved here from San Francisco about three weeks ago.

I love San Francisco.

Really?

Have you spent much time there?

Have I?

You've never been to San Francisco.

I know I've never been to San Francisco.

I've never been to San Francisco but I know I would love it.

Tony Bennett loves it, and he left his heart there.

I love Tony Bennett.

There you go.

[dogs barking]

I have to go home for dinner.

Can I have Flicker back?

Yeah, you can have Flicker Fluffy Suki back.

That's the neighbor's dog.

We just walk him while he takes piano lessons 'cause we love that dog.

He's a budding pianist.

That's so funny.

Gypsy's not mine either.

I dog walk on the side for extra cash.

I should probably get her back, so...

Oh.

It was really nice to meet you both.

Nice meeting you both, you. Nice meeting you.

What are you waiting for?

What? She's leaving.

I see she's leaving.

All right, excuse me!

Look, since you're new in town, if you're not doing anything tonight, maybe you'd like to join us?

We're going out for tapas and some bad Spanish wine, if you'd like to join us.

I just said that.

Would you like to join us?

Three times.

Yeah, I'd love to.

[upbeat salsa music] Okay.

[waiter speaking in foreign language]

[all speaking in foreign language]

Perfecto! [laughs] [speaks in foreign language]

[all speaking in foreign language]

Oh, easy, Pancho Villa, these girls are con mio.

More vino, por favor.

[waiter speaking in foreign language]

[Gray whoops]

Gracias, gracias.

[upbeat salsa music]

[men singing in foreign language]


Carlos, cover me!

I'm going in.


Okay, best food movie.

Like Water For Chocolate.

Babette's Feast, how 'bout Babette's Feast?

Yeah, okay.

Okay, Fatso starring Dom DeLuise.

Yeah. [laughs] Oh, good one.

Okay, is it me?

Let's see, women you need to get away from.

Bette Davis in What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?

Ah, good one, I got Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction for the rabbit.

Kathy Bates in Misery.

Okay, okay. Nice, nice.

How 'bout best screen kiss?

Clark Gable and Vivien Leigh in Gone with the Wind.

That's overrated, I think.

I'll go with Cary Grant and Ingrid Bergman in Notorious.

Okay, I'll see your Notorious and I'll raise you Omar Sharif and Julie Christie in Doctor Zhivago.

Very good. Okay, wait.

I'll see your Doctor Zhivago and I will raise you Lady and the Tramp in Lady and the Tramp.

Winner, winner.

The spaghetti pooch smooch, nothing's better.

Thank God we're home.

My toes are even starting to swell.

I'm exhausted.

Dogs are barking?

No wonder, it's 4:30 in the morning.

Oh my God, I have to be up in three hours.

I'm wide awake.

I feel like I could go for hours.

I guess I'm nocturnal. Oh, yeah?

Me too, you should get to bed.

How about a nightcap?

Great. What the hell?

I haven't pulled an all-nighter in ages.

Let's go to Soho House or Sway or like a diner or something.

[foot stomps] Ow!

Don't you have that big meeting in the What big meeting?

Big meeting in the morning that you have to get to, that big meeting?

Oh, that big meeting.

Actually, I'm pretty tired.

I should go to bed.

It was great meeting you, Charlie.

Okay, goodnight. It was great meeting you.

I hope we can do this again.

Me too.

I'm getting my keys, all right?

Straight to bed.

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

[romantic orchestral music]

[both chuckling]

[upbeat piano and acoustic guitar music]


Hey.

Hey.

You got in late last night.

I didn't even hear you come in.

I'm just getting in now.

Sounds like you had a good time.

It was more than good.

She's pretty great.

She's more than great.

Don't blow it, okay?

You're off to a strong start, but a girl can sense a glommer from a mile away.

She doesn't think I'm a glommer.

How do you know?

She could be thinking you're a glommer and you don't even know it.

She doesn't think I'm a glommer.

Trust me, I know she doesn't think I'm a glommer.

Glommer. I know.

Read my non-glomming lips, she doesn't think I'm a glommer.

I know she doesn't-- How do you know?

She could think you're a glommer and you don't even know.

Do you know how I know?

Because I asked her to marry me.

What?

And she said yes.

[chuckles] Can you believe it?

Anyway, we got our blood work done this morning, and we're going to Vegas this weekend and we want you to be our witness.

What?

I know.

It's amazing.

It's incredible.

You know what she is?

She's the sun.

She's the stars.

She's the moon.

She's the jackpot.

She's it. You don't even know her!

She could be an ax-murderer for all you know.

Oh, no, I forgot to ask her if she was an ax-murderer.

You know what she isn't?

An ax murderer, you know what she is?

Perfect, she's perfect.

Gray, remember what Mom always used to say?

When it was right, we would know.

Well, trust me.

It's right.

Mom is divorced for the third time, and she lives in a commune.

How 'bout you stop being so J and start being happy for me, okay?

I am so not J.

How could I be J?

I'm not jealous of you when you're totally psychologically unstable.

I'm psychologically unstable?

You're the one that said, "Get the ball."

Yeah, I said, "Get the ball," not, "Get the ring."

Gray, we're goin' to Vegas this weekend, and we are gonna get married, okay?

Now, look, you can come with us.

I booked you a room.

I booked you a flight.

If you come, great, and if you don't, that's your deal.

But you know what?

I'm gettin' married.

How does that happen?

One minute you know someone, the next minute they're so desperate they propose to someone they met 24 hours ago.

Oh, hey, Gray Ghost, I kinda told Charlie that you'd meet her at Bloomingdale's to try on some wedding dresses.

She doesn't have a lot of close friends in the city, and I thought it'd be fun for you two.

Forget it.

There's no way that's happening.

It's too frilly, something with a little less piff and poof.

Yeah, I think you're right, maybe something a little sexier.

If you want sexy, I got sexy.

I mean, I know you kids aren't Little Bo Peep underneath those dresses.

But...

If you ask me, a sexy bride just doesn't sit right.

A beautiful bride, yes, a glowing bride, of course, but sexy is, I just don't know.

Personally, it makes me a little uncomfortable.

Really?

Do you have anything in red with a slit up to the hip maybe?

Red!

She's kidding.

Just something with a little less piff and poof and no lace.

Oh, no lace, no problem, I will be right back.

I just got in a Dior in duchess satin that is to die for.

Great. [laughs]

Are you sure you want to go through with this?

Did you know that Sam cheats at Monopoly and he snores?

And he's got a hairy back.

I work with animals.

Hairy is a turn-on.

Honestly, I was a goner the moment I saw him at the dog park.

There's just something about his impish smile and that twinkle in his eye.

The smile isn't real.

His teeth are capped.

The twinkle in his eyes, it's like a reflection off his contacts.

He's as blind as a bat.

Help me out of this thing.

My breasts feel like prisoners.

Set them free.

[peaceful orchestral music]

Please tell me you don't wear stuff like that every day.

What?

Lingerie?

I love it.

I've spent more on lingerie than I have on rent.

I haven't bought a new pair of underwear in over four years. [slurps]

[Charlie chuckles]

Ew, that's kind of gross, huh?

Why don't you try a dress on?

No.

Come on, this one's only $10,000.

No way, no way, not doin' it, never gonna happen.

Come on, it will be fun.

Try it on.

Forget about it, no way, never happening, not gonna ever happen.

[slurps] No!

What if I damage it?

Shh, stay still while I get this zipper up.

[Gray gasps]

[Gray groans]

[phone ringing]

Did you cover me?

I was at the Bloomingdale's bridal salon.

Mr. Phillips came by at 9:30.

He did?

Yep, but I told him that you were at the gynecologist getting a pap smear.

It shut him right up.

Good one.

So what were you doing at the Bloomingdale's bridal salon anyhow?

You know that girl Sam met at the dog park?

Don't tell me she's a man.

No! Just kidding, sorry.

I've been reading too many trashy magazines, what?

He asked her to marry him, and she said yes.

No!

Yes, the wedding is this weekend.

No!

Yes! Come on.

The worst thing is I can't think of a reason why he shouldn't marry her.

I mean, she's smart.

She's beautiful.

She's funny.

She's amazing.

Oh, please, she's a gold-digging wench trying to hook her little claws into a resident surgeon before he makes the big bucks that she can later get her hands on in an ugly, ugly, ugly divorce settlement that her lawyer, who she's probably schtupping on the side, will handle.

You're not still taping All My Children every day, are you?

I TiVo it, but seriously, you must be flipping out that Sam is getting married, leaving you all alone, completely single, with no real prospects in the future?

That's horrible.

I feel so bad for you.

Promise me if I ever call you when I'm suicidal, you'll refer the call.

Sure.

[upbeat jazz music]

Here you go, can I have some change?

Kidding, don't spend it all on the slots.

Red 21.

This is awesome.

[chuckles] Check this out.

This is nuts.

What are these, satin sheets?

It's a satin-cotton blend, possibly Egyptian cotton if this is the high-roller room.

Hello? But don't get excited.

'Cause you're not gonna be doin' any high-rollin' in this bed 'til tomorrow.

Says who?

Oh, says tradition.

You're not supposed to see the bride 'til tomorrow morning.

Well then, where am I gonna stay?

In the dinky room down the hall that you booked for me.

I'm so not staying in the dinky room down the hall.

Please don't be mad, sweetie.

What?

I think some tradition is important.

Besides, we haven't been apart in six whole days.

It'll be fun.

We can miss each other.

Yeah, all right.

Hi.

What are you guys gonna do without me?

Oh, none of your business.

We'll see you at the chapel in the morning.

You're gonna get socked.

[door bangs] [Sam groans]

Ow, you're gonna get a half nelson. [groans]

Oh!

Ninja claw! [groans] Hey! [laughs]

Did you see the bathroom?

It's insane.

We have to take a bath.

Okay, I'll pour the bubbles.

You order the bubbly.

Okay.

[Gray] Let's get toasted!

I can't get too drunk, though.

I am getting married in the morning.

Exactly.

Right, I'll order two bottles. [chuckles]

[mellow jazz music]

Ta-da!

[laughs] I hope you didn't greet the room service guy like that.

Hmm, is that why he said he didn't need a tip?

Cheers! [laughs]

Cheers!

Please tell me you work out three hours a day and eat like a gerbil.

Never been to a gym, and I'm a macaroni and cheese addict.

I hate you.

If I told you I had acne until I was 21, would that make you feel better?

A little. Mm-hmm.

My nickname was Connect the Dots.

[both laughing]

I have a toast.

To my soon-to-be sister-in-law and my newfound friend.

That's a bathing suit you're wearing?

You're not embarrassed, are you?

Yeah, zits or no zits, my ass hasn't looked that good since I was 17.

I'm not taking off a thing.

[chuckles] I have a secret I want to share with you, but I don't know if I should.

You should.

You can't tell Sam.

Scout's honor, though I did get kicked out of the Brownies for stealing money out of my Cookie account, so I don't know if that counts.

Sam and I haven't had relations yet.

Relations?

Relations means my Aunt Betty.

Relations as in intercourse.

I decided to wait, and I don't know if that was a mistake.

I mean, what if he's too big or if I'm too small?

T.M.I., hasn't anyone ever told you to test-drive a car before you buy it?

[both laughing]

[audience cheering and applauding]

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Thank you very much.

Well, I love Vegas, and I am certain that Vegas loves me because I lost a bundle on the slots last night.

Is this five or six?

I don't know, I lost count, but I think I'm gonna be sick.

No, you're not.

We're just getting warmed up.

Geez.

For my next number, I'd like to give a warm welcome to my surprise guest, the delightful and charming Miss Charlie Kelsey.

[audience applauding] [Gray squeals]

You didn't.

Did. You didn't!

Did. Why?

[Gray yelps]

Come on, honey.

How are you feeling this evening, Charlie?

Like I could throw up at any minute.

[Gloria] Well, that doesn't sound too pleasant.

No, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean because of you.

Can I just sit down, please?

Not too fast, not too fast, somebody has gone through a lot of trouble to hear you sing a number with me tonight.

♪ 12 There, I sang a number, I'm going home.

Come on, girlfriend, I think we can do this.

We can do this.

[chuckles] Come on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, here we go.

["I Will Survive" by Gloria Gaynor]

♪ At first I was afraid, I was petrified ♪

♪ Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side ♪

♪ But then I spent so many nights ♪

♪ Thinking how you did me wrong, and I grew strong ♪

♪ And I learned how to get along ♪

♪ So now you're back from outer space ♪

♪ I just walked in to find you here ♪

♪ With that sad look upon your face ♪

♪ I should have changed that stupid lock ♪

♪ I should have made you leave your key ♪

♪ If I'd known for just one second ♪

♪ You'd be back to bother me

♪ Go on, go, walk out the door

♪ Just turn around now 'cause you're not welcome anymore ♪

♪ Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye ♪

♪ Do you think I'd crumble

♪ Did you think I'd lay down and die ♪

♪ Oh no, not I, I will survive

♪ Oh, as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive ♪

♪ I've got all my life to live

♪ And I've got all my love to give and I'll survive ♪

♪ I will survive

♪ Only the Lord could give me strength not to fall apart ♪

♪ Though I tried hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart ♪

♪ And I spent, oh, so many nights ♪

♪ Just feeling sorry for myself ♪

♪ I used to cry, but now I hold my head up high ♪

♪ And you see me, somebody new

♪ I'm not that chained-up little person ♪

♪ Still in love with you

♪ And so you felt like dropping in ♪

♪ And just expect me to be free ♪

♪ Now, I'm saving all my loving for someone who's loving me ♪

♪ Go on, now, go I can't believe I lost that much money.

Don't tell Sam. He liked you, too.

[Gray] Why did that...

He kept buying me drinks.

Hey, somebody's got my purse!

Somebody's stealing it.

Ah.

My wedding shoes.

I had a good time tonight.

Me too.

You can't go to sleep like that.

You gotta get undressed.

Can't.

Oh, God, all right, I'll help you.

[Charlie] [moans] Sleeping.

Mm-hm. [hums]

Oh, here, here's a shirt.

Do you think the woman was mad when I asked to see her husband's tattoo It wasn't pretty.

I still don't know if it was a ship or a bunny.

Did I tell you how happy I am you're gonna be my sister-in-law?

About 17 times.

Well, I mean it.

[both smooching and giggling]


[both moaning]

Oh my God.

Oh my God!

Oh my God!

Oh my God. [spits]

[lively acoustic guitar music]

I can't believe that just happened.

How can this be happening?

You're marrying my brother tomorrow, for God's sake.

Oh, this can't be happening.

This is just a mistake, a meaningless, too-much-tequila mistake.

Oh my God.

Oh my God.

[alarm beeping]

[Charlie groans]

God, you're up early.

Up would mean that I've been down.

You're already dressed?

[groans] I have a wicked headache.

Can we order some coffee?

Don't you think we should talk?

[Charlie] Okay, can we talk while I get ready?

[Gray] Yeah, sure, I guess.

Great.

I can't believe I'm getting married today.

I'm not even nervous.

Good 'cause I'm freakin' out.

Oh my God, I'm sorry.

I can be so insensitive sometimes.

Are you really upset?

Yeah, I would be too if it were my brother.

I'd be freaking out.

Well, I'm past freaking out.

I'm molting.

I know it was one of those crazy, spontaneous moments, but don't you feel weird at all?

Not really, I mean, I know it may seem strange, but the whole thing feels really natural.

Natural? Mm-hmm.

I don't feel natural.

I feel subnatural. [Charlie gargling]

In fact, I feel like E.T.

I wanna phone home, but if I phone home, Sam would answer, and that wouldn't be good.

Yeah, you were just taken by surprise.

Surprise?

Gray, come on.

Sit down.

Listen to me.

I'm listening.

Anyone would tell you the exact same thing.

It is 100% normal to be feeling upset, sad, freaked out.

In fact, considering everything, I think you're handling the whole thing really well.

Really?

Absolutely, your brother is getting married, and deep down inside, you feel like you're losing him.

That's why you think I'm freaking out?

You think I'm having separation anxiety?

[lively organ music]

♪ Sweet Lord Jesus

♪ He's sweet

♪ Sweet Lord Jesus

♪ So sweet

♪ Sweet Lord Jesus

♪ So sweet

♪ Sweet Lord Jesus There's only one thing that can keep a marriage together, and that is lovin'.

♪ Oh, Lord, yeah

♪ Hallelujah Praise be to love, yes, Lord.

♪ Love Oh.

As the lucky messenger of our Lord and Savior above, I look to the two of you with your bright smiles of devotion and promise of commitment here in the very house of the Lord above!

♪ House of the Lord

♪ Lo, House of the Lord

♪ Peace, love, and devotion

♪ Devotion and commitment

♪ House of the Lord

♪ Solid as a rock

♪ Peace, love, and devotion Woo-hoo, yeah!

This place is nuts.

But before I continue, I must ask if there's anybody here who has any objection whatsoever to the union of these two lovebirds.

[hiccups] I'm sorry.

Carry on, go ahead.

As I was saying, if there's anybody here who has an objection to the union of these two love angels, speak their piece now.

[Gray hiccups]

Oh my God, look out!

[all screaming]

Your hiccups gone?

Actually, yes.

Good, great.

Carry on, Minister, no one objects.

Right? Right.

Then by the power vested in me by the glorious state of Nevada, I now pronounce you husband and wife.

You may now kiss the bride, yeah.

["This Little Light of Mine"]

[woman vocalizing]

♪ This little light of mine

♪ This little light of mine

♪ I'm gonna let it shine

♪ I'm gonna let it shine

♪ Oh, yeah, yeah

♪ This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine ♪ See the light!

♪ This little light of mine Look at 'em, sweet.

♪ I'm gonna let it shine Let it shine.

♪ Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine ♪ Let it shine on you.

[upbeat guitar music]

♪ This is a girl on a different-- ♪ Hi, I'd like a hot dog with kraut on one side and relish on the other with ketchup on the kraut and mustard on the relish, but don't let the two touch.

♪ I'm with her, sha-la-la-la

♪ Sha-la-la-la, I'm with her, sha-la-la-la ♪

♪ I had a dream that she would orbit round me ♪

♪ Her heavenly body--

Sydney, I need to talk to you right away.

This is an emergency.

Call me.

♪ Now, I'm with her, sha-la-la-la ♪ Now, reach to your right.

Station your left leg on the rock in the middle.

All right, Gray, what's really going on?

I canceled a session with someone today because you said it was an emergency.

It is.

Well, then, take a deep breath [breaths] and tell me what's going on.

Three short breaths, one long, that's what Sam and I did when we were kids and there was something that was difficult to talk about.

Fine, then do that.

[Gray huffs]

I think I'm gay.

What was that?

I can't say it again.

Did you just say, "I think I'm gay"?

It's like this.

For years, I thought I was content being single, and I wasn't really interested in a relationship.

I thought that when Mr. Right came into my life, he just would.

He wouldn't need some fancy invitation.

He would just arrive.

And then I realized that it's not Mr. Right I'm waiting for.

It's Mrs. Right.

Oh.

And I think I found her.

And I kissed her [sighs] and I think she kissed me back, but I'm not sure 'cause I never kissed a girl before, and I'm not sure what the rules are.

But I know that I liked it, and I think I like her.

Now I feel nauseous again.

Why do you think you feel nauseous?

Do you think you committed some terrible sin just because you kissed a girl?

Why?

If you're two consenting adults, what's so terrible about that?

Well, I don't know if she consented.

She was very drunk.

Oh, so you believe you forced her to kiss you?

No, no, not at all, she kissed me.

Okay, I'm confused now.

So am I.

You don't know what it's like.

One day, you think you're one thing, and the next day, you realize you're something else.

I feel like I'm Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz, and I'm in this new land and I want to get home, but something is telling me maybe this is my home.

Maybe I shouldn't click my heels three times.

Maybe I should just stay here and be nauseous with the Munchkins.

What scares you most about this whole thing?

That I'll lose Sam and he'll never talk to me again.

Well, why would Sam even care?

Well, call me crazy, but he might be a little upset I kissed his wife.

Whoa! [Gray shrieks]

[Gray gasps]

Are you all right?

Oh, God, you're looking pale.

Maybe you should take some deep breaths.

[Sydney] I'm fine.

Well, I'm not, I'm a wreck.

I haven't slept in three days.

I've taken 42 showers.

I've been to a church, a temple and a mosque, begging for forgiveness.

The Mormon place wouldn't let me in.

I think we need to talk about this on level ground.

You're not thinking straight.

No kidding.

We need to get down. [pants]

Listen to me.

I'm listening.

You're not gay.

I'm not?

No, you're not.

[Gray] How do you know?

Because it's textbook.

Insanity?

No, what you did was normal.

It was almost predictable.

You were so jealous of Charlie that you subconsciously tried to sabotage Sam's marriage.

Read my lips.

You are not gay.

I'm not?

[Sydney] No, you're not.

Are you sure? Yes!

Because my mind is reeling with these feelings and emotions, and my heart's telling me that I--

Actually, our time is up for today.

Now, forget about Sam and get out there and date.

Your hotel is open for business.

Got it?

Now, I will see you next week at the batting cages at Chelsea Piers.

Nice climb.

My hotel is open.

I have suites, junior suites, deluxe accommodations available.

Hey. [chuckles] Hey.

That's a great outfit.

Thanks.

Actually, my grandfather always told me it's much nicer to say, "That outfit looks very becoming on you."

Well, thanks to you and your pops.

[chuckles] Whoa, that coffee smells great.

I'm on this no-caffeine kick right now, but I still find myself hanging around Starbucks trying to get an aroma buzz.

[chuckles] Actually, it's not all coffee.

It's one-third coffee, one-third cocoa, one-third chai with a little bit of steamed soy and cinnamon and a little bit of nutmeg.

Wow, that's a new one.

[both chuckling]

[Gray muttering]

What was that?

Mm, nothing.

Would you like to have dinner with me tonight?

Wow, that took guts.

[laughs] Would you?

Sure, what time?

Raoul's at 10:00.

All right, well, I'll see you then.

[elevator dings]

Great, are you going up?

Down. Okay, see you tonight.

Oh!

Are you okay?

Is anything sprained, anything broken?

Maybe we should call a doctor.

I'm fine, thank you. Are you sure?

Yes. [sighs]

Would you like to have dinner with me tonight?

Say eight o'clock at Raoul's?

Me?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, well, you know, I'm a pretty busy guy.

I'm usually booked up every night.

I'd have to check my schedule.

Yeah, yeah, I think I can do that.

Great. [sighs]

Cool.

[elevator dings]

Hey, Gray, Gray Ghost, need a little help?

Oh, you did some serious, oh, damage.

Holy smokes, look at you.

What's the occasion?

I got a couple of dates tonight.

A couple?

Yeah, I got a eight o'clock dinner with one, and I got a 10 o'clock dinner with the other.

That's great.

You look great.

Did you get that rash you always get on your chest before you go out--

No, why do you have to remind me?

I'm just trying to help.

Look, is now a good time to talk?

About what?

I just wanted to check in and see when you thought you might get your own place.

I know we get along great, and Charlie loves you, she's gonna love that outfit, but we are newlyweds, so I thought you might. [clicks tongue]

Why don't you find a new apartment?

Do you know how hard it is to find a rent-controlled place in the city?

Why do I have to be the one to move?

For two reasons, one, the lease is in my name, and, two, I found the apartment first.

Well, that's 'cause a 90-year-old woman died on your shift at the hospital, and her body wasn't even cold before you were calling the super, claiming to be her nephew.

I didn't hear you complaining back then.

As a matter of fact, you went to her funeral as I recall.

Yeah, that's 'cause I'm sensitive and not a mean ogre like you.

You can't kick me out.

I decorated the whole apartment.

I even grouted the bathroom tiles myself.

I'm not kicking you out on the street.

I'm just saying maybe you should start looking, that's all.

I hate you! You don't hate me.

[both arguing]

Hey, I can hear you guys yelling from around the block.

What's going on?

I wasn't yelling, she was yelling.

I was, I hate him! Why?

What did he do now? Me, me?

That's a little presumptuous, don't you think?

He's kicking me out.

Sam, I thought we spoke about this.

We'll get our own place once I get a full-time position at the aquarium.

Until then, it's fine.

I actually kind of like it.

You do?

Yeah, it's fun.

I love living with the both of you.

What's wrong?

Shit. [chuckles]

[Sam] She has a couple of dates tonight and her chest just broke out into hives.

Oh.

[mellow acoustic guitar music]

Hey, I think, I don't know if you remember me, but I think you drove me before.

Oh, you're not very fond of Florida, and when you refer to Ginger's companion, you're not talking about sushi or wasabi.

Not bad. [Gordy laughs]

Where's that funny accent of yours from?

Oh, a funny place called Scotland.

What brings you to New York?

Fame and fortune, of course.

Hmm, how's that goin'?

Well, let's see.

I've had two auditions so far.

The first one was for the lead in a tampon spot, the role of the tampon, of course, and then, the second one was a voiceover for a pest-control infomercial, and I didn't get that part.

They said that they thought roaches didn't have accents.

I begged to differ, but I didn't want to seem argumentative.

Don't worry, I'm not contagious.

I'm not worried.

What can I say?

I am a mess.

You don't look like a mess.

You look as cute as a button, and buttons aren't messy.

Well, looks can be deceiving.

Back home in Scotland, I was captain of the local football team.

Yeah, and all my mates used to come to me with their problems.

They said I was pretty good.

So, I'm all ears if you want to talk to someone from the outside, you know?

That is sweet, but it would take all night to tackle my laundry list.

Thanks.

Keep the change.

Thank you.

I'm crazy about you, and I'm counting the minutes until I see you again.

Hey, that's my line.

I'm an actor.

We get paid to steal other people's lines.

See ya.

Seriously, though, could I give you a lift home tonight?

I could come and fetch you about, say, No charge.

Okay.

Great.

[mellow jazz music]

Excuse me, can I get another double vodka martini?

Sure.

With three olives and, ooh, a tiny splash of vermouth.

Okay.

And just a hint, a hint of salt on the rim.

Yeah. Can we order please, also?

Of course, would you like to hear the specials?

Please. Yeah.

Fantastic, tonight we have a braised lamb shank marinated in a rosemary-lime sauce.

That's served with a creamed pumpkin squash.

We also have a grilled halibut steak in a soy, tamari lemon-zest glaze, and that comes with grilled seaweed and an orange and almond salad.

Do we know what we'd like?

Yes, I'll have the halibut with the pumpkin squash and the rosemary-lime sauce and not the soy-tamari-lemon stuff.

[gasps] That does sound good, doesn't it?

Yeah, they don't come together.

Well, can you make 'em come together?

I'll try.

Try hard, and I'll have the duck comfit.

Excellent, coming right up.

Conrad, I'm impressed.

You duked the guy.

I didn't know you had it in you.

There's a lot in me that you don't know about.

I'm a burnin' sex machine just waitin' to be used and abused by you, the harder, the better. [barks]

Check, please.

[Trevor] I try to do as much as I can, but it's not good.

How? I don't know.

So, wait, let me just get this straight.

So you love Capra, you run in the park, you tango, you live for Italy, and you hate asparagus.

Are you sure we weren't separated at birth?

You don't play poker, do you?

I've been playing with the same buddies every Thursday since I was 15.

I'm a five-card stud girl, myself, closed hand, deuces wild.

I love it when you talk dirty.

This is actually fun.

I have to admit, I usually dread the whole first-date thing.

You know, the awkward lulls in the conversation and then the anxious pain in the pit of my stomach when I can't wait for the night to end, but I'm feeling no pain, no lulls.

Yeah, I'm feeling rather painless and lull-less myself.

Cheers to that.

Cheers.

[glasses clink]

But, I do want to be honest with you about something.

Oh, no, honesty on the first date.

That has a bad ring to it.

See, I was so flattered with the way you asked me out in the elevator.

I know, don't tell me.

You're married.

Well, actually, I'm not married, but Stewart and I have been living together for years, yeah.

Stewart, am I a moron or what?

Don't be so hard on yourself.

I can't help it, I'm hopeless.

You're not.

I'm a walking Dear Abby column.

Hey, just hold on a minute, darling.

All you need is some space, some fresh air and some perspective.

Fresh air, space and perspective in New York City.

Stick with me.

[Gray] Wow, this is unbelievable.

Isn't this fantastic?

Yeah, it's one of the perks of the job.

I give Jimmy the doorman free rides, and he lets me come up here whenever I fancy.

I love this city.

Oh, me too.

[Gray laughs]

You know, it's funny 'cause sometimes, up here, everything is so tall and grand.

Even my biggest problems, you know, suddenly seem very wee.

Within seconds, they just melt away like tiny dewdrops.

You're so sweet.

Thanks for cheering me up.

Ah, it's my pleasure.

[dramatic string and piano music]

Sorry, I couldn't resist.

I've been wanting to do that from the moment I saw your face in my rear-view mirror.

What's wrong?

Oh, Christ, was it awful?

I'm a wee bit out of practice.

No, it wasn't awful.

You're a really nice kisser.

Why, thank you.

[Gray laughs]

Your lips seemed nice and supple, too.

But I'm sensing that your heart's

not doing the Riverdance thing that mine is.

Gordy, I'm sorry, oh.

For what?

For being me.

Ah, there's nothing wrong with that.

I happen to think you're pretty dandy.

So you're gay, big deal.

How did you know?

Just a feeling, I suppose, that and the fact that you haven't shut up about Charlie all night.

And every time you mentioned her name, you got that little sparkle thing in your eyes.

What am I gonna do now?

Ah, that's easy.

You're gonna move on with your life, start being the person that you're supposed to be, instead of wasting your time pretending to be someone that you're not.

I mean, crikey, are you not exhausted?

I am, but it's so much easier to keep pretending.

Oh, but easy is so bloody boring!

Isn't it? [chuckles]

As your newfound friend, I am prescribing a remedy for you.

That's part of the remedy.

This is the remedy.

"I am woman.

"Hear me roar," Helen Reddy.

She'll sort you out.

[Gray laughs]

[Gordy laughs]

[Man] Well, there are a few things I'd like to know about you, too.

[Woman] Well, all right, what would you like to know about me?

[Man] Oh, just about anything, things you like, things you don't like, where you went to school, who was your first beau, what you want out of life.

[Woman] Mm, that's a tall order.

Where shall I start?

Oh my God, Till the Clouds Roll By.

[Woman] I guess I like what everyone likes.

That's one of my favorite all-time movies.

I know every line and every step.

Me too. [chuckles]

[audience applauds]

[upbeat swing music]

Will you dance with me?

Oh, no, thank you, no.

Go ahead and dance with her, Charlie.

No thank you. Aw, do it, Charlie.

Will you dance with me?

I sure will, baby.

Watch this. Oh, sit down.

Do you know this dance?

Yeah.

[lively swing music]


[Gray clapping]


What's goin' on?

[Charlie crashes]

Nothing, absolutely nothing.

I hate when you ask so many questions.

It's so annoying.

Sorry, you okay?

[Charlie] I'm fine.

All I asked was, what's going on?

Nothing, I'm going to bed, okay?

Got any questions you want to ask about that?

You should be ovulating.

I heard that, huh?

How you doin'?

How you doin'?

[both smooching and laughing]

Mm, she's the best, strong, independent, feisty.

Who are you talking about?

Who else?

Queen Oprah, Oprah, Oprah the Great.

Oprah, I love her.

Do you understand that I'm obsessed with her?

Like, I think she is so great that she should start her own religion, that's how much I love her.

I love her so much that if she and Steadman couldn't have children and needed a little bit of help, I would surrogate a child for them.

That's right, I would have Oprah's baby.

That's how much I love her.

Wow, that's a lot of love.

Last night, I was so inspired after watching her show about loving your body that do you know what I did today?

What?

I quit Weight Watchers.

Get out!

Yeah, can you believe it?

I quit.

Fergie smergie, I hate fiber.

I like Mallomars.

And if Derek isn't gonna love me for the tiny amount of cellulite that I have on the back of my thighs, then fuck him Screw that guy!

Yeah!

This is the package, okay?

It's exactly the same under the wrapping.

This is the package, no exchanges, no returns.

Yes!

Right? Hot!

Thank you.

I mean, why does our society push us to be perpetually uncomfortable with who we are?

It's so messed up.

You wanna know why?

Here, this is why.

"Boost your buttocks in five days, "luscious liposuction, the flawless face-lift."

That's why.

Enough is enough.

We need to stop letting society and media and our religious leaders delegate who we are.

You're amazing, and I'm even more amazing, and anybody who doesn't get it can go screw themselves!

[Carrie groans]

[sighs] That felt fantastic.

Spewing is a wonderful thing.

Forget spinning classes.

They should have spewing classes.

That's what they should have. [moans]

Where are you going?

You have a creative meeting in five minutes.

What are you doing here?

That page wasn't from you, was it?

It was. This better be good.

I'm about to get prepped for surgery.

What is it?

I need to tell you something.

I'm listening.

Maybe you should just get prepped for surgery or maybe you should actually perform the surgery, and I'll just come back later.

Gray.

I have to tell you something.

It's not easy.

It's really major, and I don't know how to say it.

Well, why don't you take three short breaths and one--

One long. [puffs]

[monitor beeping]

I'm gay.

What?

As in Marvin. What?

As in, take the R out of Gray, and bingo!

[both sigh]

[chuckles] That's great.

What about it is great?

It's great that you're coming out.

Don't tell me you knew.

[chuckles] Gray, of course I knew.

How can you know when I didn't even know?

Gray, I'm like seven times smarter than you.

I've known since second grade, when you had a crush on Mrs. Wertheimer and tried to look up her skirt.

She was cute, wasn't she?

I tell you, I'm proud of you, Gray.

This is a big moment.

This is huge.

It's big, all right, but there's one other thing I haven't told you, and it's even bigger.

Bigger, [chuckles] yeah, it can't possibly be bigger than this.

Well, I guess it depends on how you see it.

What is it?

I'm in love with her.

Who? Her.

Who her?

Your wife. Whose wife?

Yours, I'm in love with Charlie.

Is this your idea of a bad joke or something?

No, I would never joke about it.

I love the way she talked and walked and looked and felt, but it really kicked in after we kissed.

Kissed?

What do you mean, kissed?

Are you saying you kissed my wife?

It was only once, and technically she It was the night before your wedding.

I'm sorry, look, I never expected this to happen.

Just tell me off.

Just yell at me.

I know I'm a terrible person.

I'm a terrible, terrible person.

Gray, I want you to pack up all your shit and get it out of the apartment by the time I get home tonight because we're done, all right?

We're done.

[dramatic orchestral music]


There has to be a reason.

Why would she just move out without even talking to us about it, or even telling us where she was going?

Why are you so concerned about my sister?

What is that supposed to mean?

It's not supposed to mean anything.

You just seem obsessed about my sister, that's all.

That's ridiculous.

Is it? I'm just worried about her.

Worried, aren't you happy we'll finally have the place to ourselves?

Of course I'm happy. All right then.

That's not the issue.

What's the issue?

Did you guys get in a fight or something?

What aren't you telling me?

I'm not telling you anything.

Is there something you want to tell me?

Like what? I don't know.

You tell me.

Sam, what's going on?

You're acting weird.

You love your sister.

Yes, I love my sister.

How about you?

Do you love my sister?

Of course I love your sister.

I think she's great.

Great, how great?

What are you getting at?

Nothing, nothing, you know what?

I'm late, I gotta go, okay?

I'll see you later.

Sam?

[upbeat percussion and synth music]


[people clapping]

So as you can see, the consumers love to think of nothing but C-Pro.

B-Pro.

What?

B-Pro, you said C-Pro.

I did?

Yeah, yeah, you said C-Pro.

I'm very sorry.

Would you excuse me for a minute?

I have to get a glass of water.

Take your time.

[phone ringing]

I'll be back in just one minute.

I'll be back.

Oh! Gray, hang in there.

You're doing just fine.

No, I'm not doing fine.

I'm the Titanic.

No! Yes.

You gotta get focused.

You gotta center yourself, and you gotta march back in there and you show them who's the boss.

Who's the Boss?, I hated that show.

I love Alyssa Milano, I don't like Tony Danza, and Judith Light had really weird hair, but Alyssa Milano had--

Gray, you gotta focus.

Focus, okay?

You gotta get out of your head and get into your body.

Get out of your head and into your body.

Get out of your head and into your body.

Get out of your head, get out of your head, get out of your head, get out of your head, get out of your head, get out of your head and into your body.

Take a deep breath.

Feel your feet on the ground.

Center yourself. [exhales]

And go, go, go.

Give me a P!

Give me an R!

Give me an O!

What's that spell?

B-Pro!

[men clapping] Yeah!

Woo! [giggles]

Lana, what the hell are you doing?

I promoted Miss Valentine to creative executive on the Barlett account because I thought it would be best to show Julia two perspectives.

You mean the one of her tits and the one of her ass?

Gray!

I'm sure that Lana has 36 double-D ideas for the account, and I'll just give you your privacy to fondle through them.

I think that was a brilliant comeback, clever and descriptive.

I'm sure it cost me my job.

Well, with copy like that, they should be begging you to stay.

Here, drink that while it's still hot.

That, young lady, is my granny's secret recipe.

Mm, this is so good.

What's in this?

Oh, tea, milk, honey and a wee bit of nutmeg.

Gordy, you are amazing.

You barely know me and you're such a great friend.

You're gonna make some lucky girl very happy one day.

So are you.

God, everything's so complicated.

If it was 30 years ago, I could just move away and join a convent.

Those outfits are so hideous.

[Gray chuckles]

You know, if you want my advice, and I don't suppose you do, but I'm gonna give it to you anyway.

I think you have to go and talk to Charlie.

About what?

You have to tell her the truth.

I can't do that.

Yes, you can. I can't.

Yes, you can.

I mean, for all you know, she might feel the same way about you.

Come on, her name is Charlie.

You've got a shot, but you won't know that until you talk to her.

What if I made the whole thing up in my head?

What if she doesn't even remember the kiss?

What if you go through your entire life saying, "What if?"

What happens if she does feel the same way?

What about Sam?

He'll never talk to me again.

He doesn't talk to you now.

Well, that's just 'cause he hates me.

And do you foresee that ever changing?

Well, he can't hate me forever.

Mm-hmm, just drink your tea.

This is so good.

Are you sure this is just tea, nutmeg and honey?

There's a wee bit of whiskey.

Ah!

Would you like some shortbread?

Mm, what kind of shortbread is this?

Mm, short.

[Gray chuckles]

[Gray] God, they're so beautiful and Will they have babies here?

[Charlie] I don't think so.

That's Lucy, and she's Ethel.

They're an item? Mm-hmm.

Never spend a moment apart.

It's very common.

I'm actually doing a study on homosexuality among mammals.

You are?

I'm concentrating on whales, but did you know that over 50% of elephants are gay?

How do they test that?

They pipe in the Village People over loudspeakers and watch their feet.

I'm kidding.

[both laughing]

So where've you been hiding?

I've left three messages and no answer, and Sam won't say a word.

I'm sorry, I've just been a little preoccupied.

Anything you want to talk about?

Do you remember that night we spent together in Las Vegas before you got married to Sam?

Barely, I mean, I remember having a great time, but I think you got me too drunk to remember anything else.

Why, did I say something really stupid?

It's not what you said.

Oh, God, what did I do?

I don't know if you did anything.

It might have just been me.

Oh my God, I remember.

You do? Yes, I'm such an idiot.

No, you're not.

How could you let your brother marry me?

I didn't even know if you were conscious of what was going on.

Of course I was conscious.

I'm so embarrassed.

[scoffs] Don't be.

I'm so relieved we're talking about it.

Was I completely off-key?

What?

I sounded like a cat in heat, didn't I?

Is that what you think we're talking about?

Oh, God, did I do something else?

No, that was it.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

Tell the truth.

Did you try to convince Sam not to marry me?

There was no convincing him.

Trust me, if I could have, I would have.

You know, every morning, I wake up before Sam does and I just watch him.

I just lie there and stare.

And I love the way his nose wrinkles when he's dreaming and the little purring sound that he makes when he's about to wake up, and the way that he keeps his hand on my thigh the whole night just to let me know that he's there.

And I know it may seem crazy, but...

Love is crazy, isn't it?

It sure is. [laughs]

[sentimental piano music]

[projector whirring]

♪ My mother, she made me smile

♪ It lasted all day

♪ I can't remember what she told me ♪

♪ Now, I'm laughing crazy

♪ I don't remember--

[door slams]

Hey. Hey.

I was cleaning out the closet.

I found Dad's old projector.

Is that you?

Yeah.

Cute little surgeon, wasn't I?

You're so lucky.

I never had a brother or a sister.

[projector whirring]

Oh! [groans]

[box clatters]

I don't know what's going on between the two of you, but you have to work it out, Sam.

Just talk to her.

♪ Speeding, speeding fast, too fast ♪

♪ Just to stop again

[Jordan laughing]

You wanted to see me?

Oh, yeah, Gray, seems Julia wasn't thrilled with the way our last presentation went.

Why don't you go ahead and fire me?

'Cause I don't need to be embarrassed or humiliated or patronized anymore.

Well, actually, I was gonna give you a promotion, but on second thought--

What?

I asked Jordan to make you the executive creative director on my account, and to give you free rein to do whatever you want.

Carrie told me that the cheerleader idea was yours.

I think you have great ideas.

You just haven't been given the freedom to explore them fully.

I like your energy, your spunk, your candidness, and I think with the right support, you're gonna give me exactly what I'm looking for.

Wow, I don't know what to say.

[Secretary] Sorry to interrupt, Gray, but your 12 o'clock meeting with Brother Electronics is in the small conference room.

Oh, I don't have a 12 o'clock meeting with Brother Electronics.

[Secretary] They said they confirmed it with your office.

Please, go ahead.

I don't want to hold you up.

Thank you so much.

You will not be sorry.

Thank you, Mr. Phillips.

I will not let you down.

[peaceful acoustic guitar and piano music]

Isn't she adorable? [chuckles]

Hi, sorry I'm late.

I didn't have you in my book.

Hey.

So you forgot your toothbrush, and I figured a toothbrush that is part hard, part soft bristles must be hard to come by.

Is that all, you just came to give me my toothbrush?

And to say I'm sorry.

I overreacted, little bit, not a lot, little bit.

After all, you have to admit, it's a pretty exceptional situation, right?

On the other hand, I'm not quite sure why I got so surprised

'cause if you think about it, almost inevitable that you and I would end up liking the same girl, isn't it?

You're acting very rational.

It's too rational.

You used to do this when we were kids.

Then I'd turn around and you'd tackle me to the ground.

I think I should be getting my knees in the lockdown position.

You know, Gray, Gray, you're not just my sister.

You're my best friend.

You know that, right?

Being without you, I feel like one half of me is missing.

Lately, I've been feeling very lopsided.

Sam.

Just 'cause you're totally gay and in love with my wife doesn't mean we can't work things out.

Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!

Ooh, now this is good.

I knew it wasn't me.

I knew it wasn't me!

[Gray squeals]

[upbeat percussion and acoustic guitar music]

[Gray whimpering]

Gray!

Gray, Gray!

How ya doin'?

How ya doin'?

Nothin' to see here, folks.

Put your eyes back in your heads.

[Gray whimpering]

[elevator dings]

Hey, what-- [alarm ringing]

What are you doing?

I wanna die right now, in this elevator.

I never wanna see another human being ever again.

Gray, listen to me.

This is not as bad, look.

Who cares what those people think?

I care.

They're probably calling Jerry Springer right now as we speak.

No, no, they're not.

I don't think he has a show anymore.

I'm sorry.

Sorry for what?

For having to be related to me.

Gray, don't be ridiculous. Oh, I just feel. [groans]

Gray, look, you're just coming out, okay?

I am never coming out of this elevator.

This is probably the biggest revelation of your entire life.

It's normal to be going nuts.

It's normal. I don't feel normal.

I'm sick and tired of everyone saying it's normal, it's typical, it's ordinary.

I don't feel any of those things.

Well, how do you feel?

Lonely.

Why?

Because I'm never gonna be able to walk down the street holding hands with my partner without the rest of the world giving us a look.

I may never have the wedding that I once dreamed of, and I may never have children, and one day, when I die, people will never give as much respect to my grieving lover as if she were my husband.

[sentimental acoustic guitar and piano music]

Gray, it's not as if you made a choice.

[sobs] That's what terrifies me.

It's so much easier to be someone else.

Do you remember when we were kids, you would have been about six, and Dad came home to tell Mom he was leaving her for Mrs. Rosemont?

Yeah.

You remember we stayed in the closet all night, just cuddled up like two little mice and listened to their whole fight.

I was so angry.

I was hurt.

I was just...

I was mad, and I wanted to go out there and kick his ass.

And you remember what you said to me?

Well, you were just six, but you said it was gonna be okay, that Dad was not gonna live a lie, that he was gonna try and be happy, and that everyone deserved to be happy.

I said that?

Yeah.

I was so profound.

Why are you being so nice to me?

You should hate me.

For what?

For having good taste?

Well, you never have to worry about it.

I mean, she's completely, madly, passionately, like cow-jump-over-the-moon in love with you.

Really?

Yeah.

That's great for me, not so great for you.

But you're not gonna make me feel guilty for this, are you?

Mm-mm.

Look, Gray, you know what?

You can't expect the first girl that you fall in love with to love you back.

That's not how it works.

That would be the equivalent of settling down when you were age 12.

You haven't even gone through gay puberty yet.

I think I'm ready to come out.

To everyone?

No, of the elevator.

Of the elevator.

Let me tell you something, I should have broken up with Derek ages ago.

I am having the best time.

So what about you?

Have you met anyone yet?

Not yet. Really?

Girls should be lining up around the block for you.

What's your type?

I don't have a type.

I mean like the basics, like brunette, blond, short, tall?

It depends, I guess.

Funny, you need funny.

Funny would be good.

And stylish, no Birkenstocks.

That's for sure.

And for the love of God, please don't wind up with one of those ladies who doesn't believe in waxing.

You're killing me.

Can I ask you a question? Yeah.

Have you ever been attracted to me?

No.

Really? No.

Not even a little?

No.

Huh, oh, not even last year when I was all in shape after taking those Pilates classes?

Or last week when I wore that pink Marc Jacobs dress to work and you told me how cute I looked?

You looked so cute.

You are cute, but not cute that way, cute.

Hmm, wow, that's so depressing.

It's not like I'm into girls or anything, but if I was a girl who was into girls, I'd definitely be into me 'cause I think I'm a catch.

You are a catch, but, I don't know, you're not my type.

Hmm, but you said you don't have a type.

You gotta stop talking about this.

All right, wait.

Don't you usually have therapy at lunchtime on Thursdays?

Oh my God, I'm so late.

Shoot.

Okay, I don't really want to go, so watch this.

Okay. [phone beeping]

Sydney, it's Gray.

I'm sorry I'm late, but I don't wanna go to the batting cages and I don't wanna go rock climbing or bowling or anywhere with you

'cause I'm feeling really good about myself, and I don't think you're a very good therapist for Thank you, and have a nice day.

[laughs] That was crazy.

Can you believe I just did that?

[Carrie] That was amazing.

Do you want to get a mani-pedi before we go back to work?

Sure, I need a pedicure. Yeah.

So what if I dyed my hair red?

Would you be attracted to me then?

Yes.

Really? You're hot.

Ooh, mah-moo!

[women vocalizing]

[upbeat disco music]

I can't go through with this.

Yes, you can.

Why do I have to?

Because you're gay and you have to start behavin' like it.

What am I supposed to do?

Wear a sign on my forehead?

No, but, Gray, you haven't had sex with a woman yet, and that's like being black and never having listened to the Jackson Five or being Jewish and never having a knish or being Indian and never having had a curry or being--

Or being Scottish and not keeping your mouth shut?

I suppose so.

Come on. Hi.

Sorry, no men allowed.

Isn't that against the law?

And I'm only goin' in for a wee minute.

Yeah, no exceptions, no men.

Just forget it.

Well, just go in by yourself.

No, I can't go in by myself.

Are you kidding?

I have an idea.

[upbeat synth music]

I would like an apricot sour, please.

I'll have a cosmo, not too much cranberry, and a touch of lemon and a squeeze of lime, and a little bit of sugar on one side of the rim.

Comin' up.

Apricot sour?

I thought that was what you women drank, for Christ's sakes.

One of your eyelashes is coming off.

Give me a mirror, quick.

Hi, can I buy you a drink?

Oh, no, I don't drink, you see, but thanks.

You don't?

Shut up.

[Gray giggles]

This is quite tasty, actually.

Let's get outta here.

I'm not gonna meet anyone here.

Hey, give it a minute.

[upbeat synth music]

Oh my God, it's Julia Barlett.

Quick, quick, we gotta get out of here.

Why?

I can't have her see me in a gay bar.

Hello, is there anybody in?

No, her?

You think?

Gray, did your mom ever tell you what your IQ scores were? [chuckles]

Hi, Gray.

Hello.

It's nice to see you.

Nice to see you, too.

I'm just taking a break from working on your account.

Gray, I didn't come over here to check up on you.

[all laughing]

Hello, my name's Georgette.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

And lovely, and I'm just gonna leave you two to catch up on everything.

Mm, lovely, yeah, it was lovely to see you, too.

Really nice, really nice, Dutch way, three kisses.

So, fine.

It's fine, I'm fine, you're fine, everything's gonna be fine, and I've got to go now, bye.

You really surprised me the other day.

I had no idea you were gay.

That makes two of us.

You're not just coming out, are you?

Put it this way.

My hotel's been closed for a long time, but tonight's the grand opening.

There have been a few fake openings, but tonight's the real deal.

[chuckles] No, I don't understand.

Yes, I'm just coming out.

I don't think anyone in here will mind.

[both laughing]

You really are adorable.

I always thought so.

Really?

From day one, in that little cream, pinstriped suit you were wearing.

I like that suit, too. [chuckles]

I think I got it at Banana Republic or maybe it was Emporio Armani.

Actually, it could have been Barneys, but the shirt, I think, was from Bloomies.

Listen.

I have this beautiful bottle of cognac that I just brought back from France, and I'd love to share it with you.

You have it here with you?

No, my place.

Oh.

Central Park West and 85th.

Okay, well, I like cognac.

I like cognac.

I like brandy, too.

Usually I have a little cognac with a splash of brandy on the side.

I have brandy, too.

[Gray laughs]

["All Kinds Of Love" by Leslie Mills]

♪ If I say I can, then you bet I will ♪

♪ So crystal clear that anything is possible ♪

♪ It's a brand new day

[Gray squeals]

♪ And I am living it up

♪ Nothing's gonna bring me down ♪ Give it up, you're toast.

You're gonna eat those words.

[all shouting and cheering]

♪ I'm finally breaking free

♪ Right now, I'm my own getaway, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I believe in me

♪ You know you're good enough

♪ You're worth all kinds of love ♪

♪ Got a different view, stepping up my sights ♪

♪ Gonna change this world

♪ 'Cause it all comes back, that's right ♪

♪ It's the perfect time, and I am living it up ♪

♪ Nothing's gonna stop me now

♪ Not this time around

♪ I'm finally breaking free

♪ Right now, I'm my own getaway, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I believe in me

♪ You know you're good enough

♪ You're worth all kinds of love ♪

♪ I'm finally breaking free

♪ Right now, I'm my own getaway, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I believe in me

♪ You know you're good enough

♪ You're worth all kinds of love ♪

♪ Finally breaking free

♪ You're worth all kinds of love ♪

♪ Finally leaving me

♪ All kinds of love

♪ Finally breaking free

["Watch Me Fly" by Dana Parish]

♪ Anywhere the road goes, every time the wind blows ♪

♪ I lean a little closer into the frame ♪

♪ I'm not a lonely lass and it's really just a blessing ♪

♪ 'Cause even in the shadows, the light finds a way ♪

♪ I make another phone call

♪ They say that it's a long fall, but that's okay by me ♪

♪ Sometimes I bend but I'll never break ♪

♪ And I am not about to win another day ♪

♪ It's more than a wish, so blow me a kiss ♪

♪ And send me out the door

♪ And, baby, watch me fly

♪ It's all right

♪ Watch me fly

♪ Walking on a tightrope, hanging on a high hope ♪

♪ Looking down, there's nothing to see ♪

♪ I shatter every window so I can feel the wind blow ♪

♪ Looking out, the grass is so green ♪

♪ I write myself a letter, put it all together ♪

♪ And I'll sign it away

♪ Sometimes I bend but I'll never break ♪

♪ And I am not about to win another day ♪

♪ It's more than a wish, so blow me a kiss ♪

♪ And send me out the door

♪ And, baby, watch me fly

♪ It's all right

♪ Watch me fly

♪ When I look in the mirror, I wanna see ♪

♪ Someone who kept their promise to me ♪

♪ An honest reflection, a girl who has tried ♪

♪ Believing it comes from inside ♪


♪ I make another phone call

♪ They say that it's a long fall, but that's okay by me ♪

♪ Sometimes I bend but I'll never break ♪

♪ And I am not about to win another day ♪

♪ It's more than a wish, so blow me a kiss ♪

♪ And send me out the door

♪ And, baby, watch me fly

♪ It's all right

♪ Watch me fly

♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ Watch me fly, fly, fly

♪ Oh

♪ Watch me fly