Gremlins 2: The New Batch (1990) Script

Stop the music!

What's up, duck? What's up?! I'll tell you what's up.

I'm taking charge here, that's what's up.

Fifty years of you hogging the spotlight is enough.

I am riding the shield from now on...

...because I, personally, have all the talent around here.

Okay, mac, let's take it from the top.

Okay, far enough.

Now then. Camera! Music! Sound!

Oh-ho. Very funny.

You may expect to hear from my attorneys.

[GRUNTING]

If I'm not gonna star in this cartoon, let's just start the movie.

Roll them!


Mr. Wing?

Daniel Clamp would like to speak to you.

Good morning, Mr. Wing. Let's cut right to key issues, okay?

I'll increase my offer substantially.

You're attached to your business. I appreciate that.

I'm attached to mine. I develop the biggest buildings in New York.

And you sell...

...little things. That's fine. Take a look.

"The Clamp Chinatown Centre, where business gets Oriented."

You're the only holdout. Here's what I'll do for you:

A newsstand and souvenir concession in the atrium.

This building will be modern...

...from voice-activated elevators to self-cleaning ashtrays.

I'm really excited about it, and I'd hate to see you miss out.

Please, let us know when you've made a decision.

You know, I believe there's always an area of agreement...

...that two people can reach.

Yes. A man can always agree with others.

It is more difficult to agree with oneself.

That's very charming.

Confucius...

...or Bruce Lee?

I'm sorry. Please tell Mr. Clamp...

...that the answer is still no.

Please...

...keep the TV.

VOICE: TV!

Rambo.

To survive a war, you gotta become war.

Television again.

An invention for fools!

I'm sorry that didn't work out. Mr. Clamp's offer was generous.

Did you hear that cough? He's an antique.

We can wait.

CLAMP'S VOICE: I'm Daniel Clamp. No New York visit is complete...

...without touring the world's most automated building:

Clamp Premiere Regency Trade Centre and Retail Concourse.

Headquarters of Clamp Enterprises...

...and CCN, Clamp Cable Network.

Mr. Wing's death removes the last obstacle...

...to developer Daniel Clamp's long-delayed project.

This quaint shop, which once housed rare Oriental objects...

...now makes way for the future, Daniel Clamp style.

[WHIMPERING]


MAN: Lewis, it's like I've always said:

"If you want to find something weird, you have to go downtown."

BOY: The Futtermans come to town tomorrow.

GIRL: Mr. Futterman must be better if he can travel.

His wife says he is better. He was just rattled.

Having monsters drive a snowplow through your house will do that.

Well, he was almost killed.

These people are so rude! Honey, what time is it?

God, we're late. There's a cab.

You going airport? No. Actually, I'm just...

After all this time, I'm still in the same job.

It takes time, Billy.

In Kingston Falls, I'd have been promoted twice at the bank by now.

Yeah, and you'd hate it.

BILLY: At least we could afford a decent place to live. Get married.

MAN'S VOICE: Welcome to the Clamp Entry-matic...

...a revolution in revolving door precision and efficiency.

Please be careful in stepping in and out and have a powerful day.

That's the story of the Clamp Premiere Regency Centre...

...where one man's dream became a reality.

I hope you enjoyed today's tour. Don't forget:

Pick up Mr. Clamp's best-selling book, I Took Manhattan...

...on sale right here at our newsstand for only 19.95.

And in our gift store...

Don't let them get to you. I won't.

Billy, you're so good at your job. Sooner or later, they'll notice.

Maybe then we can get married. Okay, hon.

Bye. Bye.

BILLY: Marla, the first plan... The deadline's not my fault.

They make me miserable, so I make you miserable. It's a disaster.

They changed the specs and the deadline...

See, this is your problem right here. You only see your little part of it.

I need a complete situational, long-term, overview perspective.

It's almost finished. I just have a few adjustments...

The courtyard looks cold. It'd be better with trees.

Will they plant trees? No. But draw them.

But the... Elms.

But the shrubbery looks... This attitude doesn't work for me.

Good morning, Mr. Forster.

It looks like somebody hasn't read his employee manual. Doesn't it, Mr...

COMPUTER: Peltzer. ...Peltzer?

Unauthorized potted plant. I told him about it weeks ago.

I talked to you about that plant! I know. I was gonna...

Possible aphid infestation.

What's this? That's Kingston Falls. My hometown.

Do you know how much the Clamp organization has spent...

...to provide its employees with art by recognized artists...

...at this facility? Eye-pleasing, color-coordinated, authorized.

But it was just a little... A little touch. I know.

Maybe everybody here wants to do a little touch.

Coffee mugs that say, "World's Greatest Lover."

The ashtray that reads, "Rest Your Butt Here." You'd like that, right?

Coming to work every day in a $200,000,000...

...flea market.

Billy, this is just what I don't need right now.

The department review's in three weeks.

I just felt that... It's a nuclear meltdown disaster.

Marla, I am doing the best I can. Billy, do me a favor.

Do better!

We've got a low corrosivity reading.

Give me a wave form on temps.

WOMAN: Mr. Forster, I have a potential violator, sir.

That's an unauthorized break period, friend. You don't work here anymore.

Do we have a problem communicating? You're gone. Terminated.

End of medical benefits, that's right. Clean out the desk, one hour.

And thanks so much.

Very nice, Frances.

Alert personnel. We have a career opportunity in level seven.

Clamp Centre is the most advanced "smart building" in America...

...with the latest in security, communications and climate control.

It's just one part of Mr. Clamp's worldwide business network...

...which includes construction, sports, finance...

...and a popular line ofjams and jellies.

For those with cable TV at home...

...CCN is located right here in the building.

[SCREAMING]

The Attack of the Octopus People.

That's tonight's movie. And, boy, is it scary.

It's so scary, it'll uncross your eyes.

It's a good thing that your Grandpa Fred is here to protect you.

Where's the moan? The what?

There's supposed to be a moan here from the coffin.

Then I say, "Renfield, you want more flies?"

And then I go over to the coffin and I...

MAN: Sorry, Fred.

Hey, Fred. Oh, hi, Billy.

I heard about your new time slot. They're making a big mistake.

Mistake? Kid, it's a disaster.

People who watch TV at 3:30 a.m. Don't fear the Wolfman.

What scares them is getting sober and finding work.

Look. Watch it with that thing.

Isn't that great? Sure.

You could use it on your show. Sure. Put it in the back, will you?

Frankly, kid...

...this isn't what I had in mind.

I went into broadcasting, I thought I was gonna do news...

...public affairs...

...something meaningful.

I don't even have a gimmick.

No special effects.

All I have is a cross-eyed puppet named lgor.

VOICE: The elevator doors have opened.

You should run classic horror movies, like Frankenstein or Dracula.

Great horror movies are in black and white. Mr. Clamp only likes color.

That guy's strange.

Have you seen him? Not in person.

Only on that cockamamie video they got all over.

Look at this building. You know what kind of tenants they have now?

There's a genetic research laboratory upstairs.

Fooling around with animals.

Last week, they took out a patent on a new kind of gerbil.

People think I'm creepy.

[WHISTLES]

Can I help you? Yeah.

I got a delivery for Dr. Catheter. I can sign for it.

What kind of stuff do they do in there anyway?

We're not supposed to talk about it.

[SNEEZES]

Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah.

Dr. Catheter, this just came for you. Splendid. This must be my malaria.

Just rabies. I've got rabies. I'm supposed to get the flu this week.

I think we have the flu on back order.

Could I have that, Peggy? Oh, yes. Sure.

Thank you.

Back order. Back order. All a man wants is some fresh germs.

Casper, have this tissue analyzed.

[ELEPHANT TRUMPETS]

MAN'S VOICE: I am calm and centered. I enjoy giving milk.

Martin. Hello, doctor.

How's the cloning coming along? Really well.

CATHETER: Lewis. We got something for you to look at.

It's interesting. I found it downtown on my specimen scout.

It's some sort of rodent, apparently. And it seems allergic to bright light.

Cute, isn't it? LEWIS: That may be genetic.

We're not sure yet. We're not sure.

Watch this, doctor.

[FATS DOMINO'S "I'M READY" PLAYING ON RADIO]

Well, I'm ready, I'm willing and I'm able To rock 'n' roll all night I'm ready, I'm willing and I'm able To rock 'n' roll all night Come on, pretty baby We're gonna rock, we're gonna roll Till the broad daylight Because I'm ready, mm-hm And I'm able, mm-hm I'm willing and I'm able So you better come and go with me He likes this music?

Yes. It's his favorite.

Till tomorrow 'bout 3

Not so fast, my boy.

You nearly let him get away. Sorry, sir.

[WHIMPERING]

How do you plan to proceed? Cell samples tomorrow.

Tissue cultures Thursday. And then there's body structure.

And for that, my little friend...

...we'll just have to cut you.

I can't believe she told me to put trees on that drawing. It just...

My light went out.

You sat still, so the building thinks you left. Jump around.

Okay, hold on.

You're right, I need... Hello? Hello?

Honey? Hello? Kate, are you there? Kate?

Nothing works around here.

[WHISTLING]

Excuse me? Where'd you hear that?

What? That music. Where'd you hear it?

Oh, uh, da-da, da-da-da-da.

Isn't that by Sting? No. It's not by Sting. Think.

Oh, hey, I know. I was up in that laboratory. You know, on 51.

And somebody was humming it.

Hi, I hear your copier's down.

Oh, it is? Yeah.

It's back there. Thank you.

We're ready, doctor.

This is the most interesting bioelectrical work I've done.

Just think. Millions of rats in New York, and everyone hates them.

But if one of them could power a portable radio for a month...

Gizmo, I'm here.

LEWIS: Watch this, doctor.

CATHETER: Definite progress, gentlemen.

[WHIMPERING]

Shh. Be quiet.

If only we could make it safe to touch them.

Still, they'd be good in flashlights, wouldn't they?

LEWIS: Where there's flashlights, there's dark.

And they like the dark.

Theodore! How'd you get out? Alvin, put down that DNA!

MAN'S VOICE: Mister, welcome to the men's room.

Hey, pal, I sure hope you washed those hands.


Hey, guy, how you doing?

Did you miss me?

Yeah. Me too.

So, what are you doing here? What were those guys doing to you?

Wow. That bad, huh?

Uh-huh.

You wanna come out? Come here. It's okay.

Come with me. I got you. I'll take care of you.

Everything's gonna be fine.

What is this? A black armband? Armband.

Is that what happened to the man who took care of you?

You've got to be quiet. You don't want to go back to the laboratory, do you?

So do me a favor. Get down there and don't say anything.

I'll come back and take you home as soon as possible.

Okay, that's a good boy. Bye-bye.

It's him! He's here!

Oh, Giz, I'm so sorry. Are you okay? How's your hand?

Look, he's here. You have to get down.

I'm Marla Bloodstone, the department head here. If there's anything I can...

That's okay. Everybody just relax.

Go on about what you'd be doing normally.

I know I haven't been here before, but that'll change. I'll be more...

...hands-on with these operations from now on.

Hey. This is excellent! MARLA: Isn't that terrific?

You've captured the whole essence of the project.

Look at the kids with the kites. That's warmth. I like warmth.

What's your name? Billy. William Peltzer, sir.

Bill, huh? That's what we need here, people who produce.

Lose those trees, though. With elm, people think "Dutch," "disease."

Absolutely. Absolutely.

What's with that drawer?

It's automatic. It opens now and then in case you need something.

Hm.

[CHUCKLES]

I didn't know about that.

Hey! What's that? Did you hear that?

"People who produce."

He called you Bill. This is very big.

This is a career opportunity advancement window. For both of us.

Do you really think so? Clearly. We can talk at dinner.

Great. Sometime next... Tonight.

I can't. I have something too.

A brochure for the Archery Channel.

It's a total suicide, red-alert, deadline emergency.

You know what? I'm letting it go to have dinner with you.

I just can't leave on such short notice.

What is with that drawer, Billy?

You keeping a pet in there? I'm allergic to pets.

It's good Mr. Clamp likes you because... Let me see.

Maybe tonight would be the best.

There's a chic new Canadian restaurant. They clean the fish at your table.

Really? That sounds terrific. Just let me grab my bag.

Now, listen. I have to go.

I'll send someone to pick you up. So just stay put.

MARLA: Billy. Yeah...

Ready?

Uh, yeah. Yeah. Sure, I'm ready.

We may see Woody. They say he eats there incessantly.

Katie? KATIE: Hi, honey. I'm almost ready.

I just gotta punch out. Hi.

I'm not able to go out with you tonight. I'm sorry.

I've got a meeting with some people. A meeting? Great.

Listen, I got a big favor to ask of you.

Gizmo's here and he... That furry thing?

Yeah. He's up in my desk drawer.

Don't do that. I hate it when you do that.

There's good news. What?

You get to take him home.

Take him home? Our home? Yes.

Billy.

No! Why not?

What if they start running around New York?

They won't, I promise. Just obey the rules.

The rules! Remember the first one?

Don't expose them to bright light because it kills them.

Right.

The second rule... Don't let them get wet?

That's right.

The third one is, don't let them eat after midnight.

That's very good, honey. Wait!

MAN'S VOICE: Tonight, on the Clamp Cable Classic Movie Channel...

...don't miss Casablanca, now in full color with a happier ending.

With Clamp's annual salary, if he goes to the bathroom for 30 seconds...

...the man's earning $375 while he stands there.

What can he do? Can he fix an elevator?

What does it cost the company for me...

...to get a drink of water, .0003 cents?

I tell you... A taste of the wrench for you, my friend.

I said not to put new units in. They don't listen.

They listen to that guy they pay $375 to go to the bathroom.

I remember the Sip-master Mark IV.

That was a fabulous drinking fountain. You could squirt it six months...

...and it'd still be shooting straight.

But those dancing days are done.

[SCREAMS]

The hell with it.


[LAUGHING]


I'm not being paranoid. The guy's after my job.

That's how it is these days. All politics.

It's the law of the jungle around here.

Young guys only care about one thing, okay? Power.

I'm talking about ruthless.

GREMLIN: Gizmo, ca-ca!


[GREMLIN LAUGHING]

MAN'S VOICE: Will the owner of the car with license number 1 AG401...

...please remove it from the parking garage? Your car is old and dirty.

State your desired floor number. Forty-six, please.

The elevator doors have opened. Please leave.

Gizmo.

How'd you get up there?

Billy said to take you home, so I'm just...

I'll put you in my purse until we're out of the building.

Hello.

Here we go.

Gizmo, you're so hyper.

I guess New York does that to people.

Okay, here we go.

Legs.

MARLA: So did you always know you wanted to be an artist?

BILLY: I always knew I liked to draw.

When I was a kid, I drew comics. I had this box of crayons...

I had crayons!

I used them to write memos to the other kids. Even then, I knew.

That's really something.

We're finally getting to know each other. You can't do that in an office.

It's all business. Exactly!

Let's talk about your relationship to Mr. Clamp. Your access.

I see a future. I see corner offices, embossed letterhead.

I see us swallowing the publicity department.

Really? Wow...

Gosh. I'm feeling so vulnerable with you, Billy.

I've never talked about these feelings before.

When art and business join forces, anything can happen.

I definitely feel we should join...

...forces.

WAITER: Sir?

This is a Canadian dessert, chocolate mousse.

Can I cut you an antler?

No, thank you.

WAITER: You okay? You want another Molson, eh?

No, thanks. Really, I'm fine.

I gotta go. I got this appointment. I'm in a hurry.

I'm sorry about your stocking. That's okay, Billy.

See you tomorrow. Yeah, great.

How about some horn?

Okay, Gizmo.

Billy said to feed you before midnight. He didn't say what you like.

I hope this is okay. It's chicken and mashed potatoes...

Oh, God!

Try to be a little more careful around here, okay?

We don't have money to replace things.

There you go.

What are you...? Bingo!

Yikes!

Who is it? BILLY: Open up, honey. It's me.

Hey. Sorry I'm late. Hi.

It's okay.

What happened to you?

How was your meeting?

It was fine. Where's Gizmo?

He's in the kitchen. Great. Did you feed him?

Sort of. Giz, guess who's...

GREMLIN: Bull's-eye! ...home.

Gizmo?

Where'd you find him? Your office, where you said.

This is not Gizmo.

We have to go back. You said no more...

There won't be, if they don't eat after midnight.

But look at him.

He's wired.

We have to take him with us.

No...

Honey, get my bag! Okay.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Great. Who could that be? It's late.

Should I get it? You better get it.

If you wanna get out, be quiet. KATIE: Who is it?

That's better.

Surprise!

Mr. And Mrs. Futterman! Weren't you coming tomorrow?

The guys in my old outfit changed the reunion date.

We had to get on a Greyhound. Thirty-two hours.

Sorry for coming so late. That's okay.

Can I get you coffee or tea?

Little piggers! Oh, yeah, the cake blew up.

Billy, this is some crazy city. We tried to get a cab.

You know they got Russians driving cabs?

What if someone got in with a briefcase full of atomic secrets?

Murray, remember what Dr. Kaplan said. We're going to be nice and calm.

He was a little distressed after what happened with those...

I'm fine. I'm fine.

I was jumpy for a while, that's all. What was that?

It's all right, dear. I heard it too.

Of course you did!

The thing is, you can't stay tonight. I'd love it if you could.

It's just, the building is being...

...fumigated. Being renovated.

Mice and stuff. Rats.

No sweat. We'll book into a hotel.

You know, mice and bugs... Hey, that's okay.

You can't be too careful. There's all kinds of foreign bugs.

Your mom baked you an apple pie.

Thanks.

Someone sat on it. I'm sure it'll taste okay.

Your dad's got some new inventions. Reversible toilet paper.

We'll call you tomorrow and have dinner.

Okay, great. Good! Marvelous.

Tomorrow. Bye. I'm sorry.

That's okay. KATIE: Welcome to New York!

Okay, that's a Kona praline with kiwis and peanut butter cups?

Wait. Are the peanut butter cups all-natural?

I'm not sure. Are the peanut butter cups all-natural?

I know they're pesticide-free.

WOMAN 1: It's not the same. They put other things in.

CASHIER: It comes off when they roast them.

WOMAN 1: Roasting is the worst.

Where they don't roast, they have 70 percent less death.

ALEX: Sure that isn't pickling?

WOMAN 1: How can you work with this and not read studies?

It's a rat!

Oh, my God! What's going on?

Did she say there are rats? No rats.

WOMAN 2: That's not what she said.

MAN'S VOICE: The Entry-matic doors are being upgraded to serve you better.

Please use the manual doors for your entering and exiting needs.

A head came up, with big ears. There was a thing in the topping.

What kind of thing? A furry thing.

It's supposed to be health food.

WOMAN 2: I want damages!

They've eaten after midnight. Come on.

Sorry I brought the wrong one home.

It's my fault. I shouldn't have left Gizmo. We gotta find him.

It's along here.

There. That's where the water comes into the building.

Give me video.

Security.

At least we can keep them from getting wet.

Hold it! Get the hell out of there.

Move it! Come on, move!

Looks like I caught a terrorist. What's in the bag?

Nothing. Yeah? Let's look at that nothing.

I wouldn't do this if I were you. But you aren't me, are you?

[SCREAMING]

We gotta find him before he eats. He already ate.

There are more of them. We gotta shut the building down.

We?

We? We!

No, "we" gotta get the cops and put you in a rubber room.

I'm not crazy. They're dangerous.

I've dealt with them. They wreck things.

GUARD: They wreck things!

BILLY: Remember Kingston Falls? GUARD: I remember the Kingston Trio.

Let's go, kids. We're home, let's go. This way. Over here.

How did you get me out? With next month's rent.

What time is it? Around 6:30.

They probably made their cocoons by now.

How long do they take to hatch? Not long enough. Come on.


Echo!

[YELLING]


GREMLIN: Gizmo, ca-ca!

[SHOUTING]

MAN'S VOICE: Centre is experiencing illumination system difficulties.

Please try not to notice.

The building is completely screwed up today.

I know, Fred.

Sure. You're young.

You know everything.

Bright light. We'll need some of these.

GREMLIN: Con Ed.

Gizmo, zap, zap!

I have to go to systems control.

Kate, you're up. Good morning, Billy.

Oh, hi.

Last night was wonderful. We have to do it again.

Marla, this is Kate.

My goodness, I have to go right away. Hello.

Hi. Cute hat.

Honey, that's my boss. That's the woman I work with.

If we get through today alive, you're in big trouble.

But you don't think that...

Great.

Peltzer...! I need to speak with you.

You got arrested but you've come back. Miss us?

You gotta evacuate the building. Why?

There are creatures in it. They start out small and furry.

If they eat after midnight, they form cocoons...

You're having a psychotic episode. You gotta listen.

This is good. They're furry, then they have cocoons.

They eat, then cocoon.

Sure. You're going into a cocoon, you wanna eat first.

Now we're in the nerve center of Clamp Cable Network.

Mr. Katsuji, please get back in line. Please.

If we're very quiet, we can watch a program being videotaped.

Right this way.

This week we have our special Salute to Luncheon Meats.

Many of you have written, asking how to zing up party appetizers.

I'm very excited about this recipe. It's so piquant with sherry.

Some people use a dash.

I use a lot.

So let's just plunge into our hors d'oeuvres, shall we?

You know, these bologna and bean dip roll-ups...

...are so easy when friends drop over.

Okay, wait. What if one of them eats something at 11:00...

...but something sticks in his teeth? A caraway or a sesame seed.

And after 12, it comes out. He didn't eat it after midnight.

I didn't make the rules. Rules?

What if they're in an airplane and they cross a time zone?

It's always midnight somewhere.


Peltzer, is this? Yes, sir.

[SQUEALS]

Take this, in case it comes back. Right.

Before microwaves, this used to take forever.

But now, we can make the same...

...tuna-noodle-cheese-product chowder surprise...

...in just a few minutes.

Now, let's just move down...

What's that?

What is that?

Huh? Must be a brownout.

MAN: We'll do an edit. Pick it up there.

Oh, well. The show must go on.

So let's ladle up some of our chowder-noodle...


Run for your lives! Monster!

Microwave!

You see what these monsters are doing?

They're throwing metal utensils into the microwave! You can't do that!

Uh-oh.

MARGE: Stay here and die!

[GROANING]


Wait. Wait! What is it? Wait!

Mr. Katsuji! I need a Polaroid.

It's not part of the program!

Something weird is going on in Studio D.

Punch it up on the stack.

I show brownouts in five more locations.

Climate control malfunction, floors 15 and 16.

What's going on?

The pest infestation monitor is reading critical.

What is that? That could be rats, right?

No, sir. I'm afraid it's not.

Whatever they are, they've gotta respect the chain of command.

[WHIMPERING]

GREMLIN: Gizmo, Gizmo, Gizmo, Gizmo!

GIZMO: Light bright! Light bright!

MAN'S VOICE: Please state your desired floor.

Thirty-eight.

GREMLIN: Thirty-eight.

Thirty-eight! Thirty-eight...

Going up!

Elevator, stop.

Sound alarm.

[GREMLINS MIMICKING ALARM]


Betty, did you finish shredding my mail?

BETTY: I'm just finishing, Mr. Clamp. Good.

Um...

Let's...

Let's do some memos.

First, one to Frager, in public relations.

Have the people in Chinatown give a street festival.

A spontaneous flood of appreciation for all I've done for the community.

We could have those dragons. Those big dragons with the guys inside.

And maybe we could have a parade. GREMLIN: Yum-yum!

CLAMP: Call that big department store. They got lots offloats.

They keep them in a warehouse in New Jersey.

I think I own that.

[SNAPPING AND SCREAMING]

A, B, C, D, J, K...

Coffee?


[SCREAMING]


Let go of my tie!

CLAMP: Bill! Mr. Clamp, sir, are you okay?

Yeah, I think so. I hate using these machines myself.

Sir, we have a problem... We have a situation... Oh, my God.

We have to evacuate the building and close it down.

That's ridiculous. Before sundown.

What happens at sundown? They hate sunlight. It kills them.

When it gets dark, they'll try to leave the building...

Calm down. He should be in custody. He's dangerous.

This thing, that's dangerous. This guy's from the art department.

Ask him how he knows about these things.

How do you know about them?

This animal was in the genetics lab... I said it could be a problem tenant.

We could have had three shrinks and a plastic surgeon. Here.

[GREMLINS LAUGHING]

GREMLIN: Make a wish!

GREMLIN: Hair!

Going down!

Second floor, lingerie.

MAN'S VOICE: The elevator doors have opened. Watch your step.

We'll... We'll get the next one.

You don't think it had rabies? No.

We must stop them from getting wet. No, we have to put a lid on it.

No cops, no media. We'll handle this ourselves.

You go down to systems control. But there might be physical danger.

You're supposed to handle bugs.

Well, I'd call these some goddamn major bugs, wouldn't you? Huh?

Right. Okay. But I don't think I should try it without an expert.

Let's go, Peltzer.

PRODUCER: Three, two, one. Cue Leonard.

Hi. I'm Leonard Maltin, and this is The Movie Police.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

First, our video watch.

Just rereleased on video is Gremlins, though I can't imagine why.

I know some people found it fun, but I'd rather have root canal work done.

What's fun about a movie full of ugly, mean-spirited monsters...

...who attack innocent people?

Are we so desperate for entertainment that this trash passes for fun?

Whoa! Wait a minute! I was just kidding! Ow! A 10, it's a 10!

Look at this. I've been working on making tomatoes tougher for shipping.

That's terrific! Topnotch! How do they taste?

That's the best part. We've already had calls from two airline chefs.

LEWIS: Oh, my gosh!

Did somebody leave something out? Not I.

It's eating my vegetable medley.

[BURPS]

MAN 1: What's that noise? MARTIN: I think they're laughing.

Reptiles don't laugh! They're not reptiles.

LEWIS: Then what are they? MARTIN: A virus?

What on earth is going on?

I leave you alone for five minutes, and what do I find when I get back?

Utter chaos.

Is that the brain hormone that creature's drinking?

Good boy. Nice boy.

There's a good creature. Now, let's talk this over.

I can get you diseases. You'd like that, wouldn't you?

Perhaps not.


I wanna talk...

...about what's going on in here.

There are some fascinating ramifications for the future.

When you introduce genetic material to our life form...

...which is possessed of a sort of...

...I hesitate to say "atavism"...

...but let us say an aggressive nature.

That fellow over there is a common bat of the order of Chiroptera.

The only mammals, I might add, capable of true flight.

Genetic sun block.

Yes.

Might I have a word with you? My friend, you have potential.

I wanna help you be all that you can be. May I?

As you're aware, sunlight poses a problem for our ethnic group.

We don't tan or burn.

We become a rather unappetizing photochemical leftover.

Thus this formula, designed for those of the nocturnal persuasion...

...to make bright light no problem whatever.

That'll be useful where you'll be going.

Where he'll be going?

All they have to do is eat children, there'd be appalling publicity.

There it is. The Apple. The city so nice they named it twice.

Check it out one time, won't you?

Catch it! Don't let it go!

Down! Down!

Here in Manhattan...

...there's been a steady stream of mechanical problems...

...at the Clamp Centre office building in midtown...

[SCREAMING]

GREMLIN 1: Buy! Buy! Buy! GREMLIN 2: Sell! Sell! Sell!

SMART GREMLIN: I'd say it's a full-scale panic.

Are you having a run on the banks yet? It's brutal here.

We're telling clients to invest in canned food and shotguns.

WOMAN'S VOICE: Please take a moment to locate the nearest exit.

Go through it quickly because of the danger in the building.

Please take personal belongings with you.

Take care not to step on any of the people...

...attempting to leave the building.

Food fight! Food fight! Food fight!

MAN'S VOICE: Fire: Untamed element, giver of warmth, destroyer of forests.

This building is on fire. What?

The building is on fire. Leave the building.

Enact the age-old drama of self-preservation.

MAN: Fire! Fire!

SHEILA: Oh, Murray, the cathedral of Saint Eva Marie.

What a beautiful building! MURRAY: Beautiful?

It's like something out of the Dark Ages.

Hey, Quasimodo, you home?

Hey...

It's one of them! Who?

[SCREAMING]

SHEILA: Get off!


SHEILA: It's just a flesh wound, Murray!

[SQUAWKS]

[CHURCH BELL RINGING]

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS]

[MOOS]

Hurry up, Lewis! I'm coming, Martin!

The horror. The horror. The breakage!

Sir, what happened?

They fought back, that's what happened.

Things.

Stuff.

I swear, I'll never hurt anything again.

Some things man isn't meant to splice.

A problem tenant. Calm down.

We won't renew your lease. Where are they?

Don't patronize me! I saw them.

But where? In my laboratory, the Splice of Life.

Stupid name. But it wasn't my idea.

[LAUGHING]

GREMLIN 1: Tweet, tweet.

GREMLIN 2: Bunny rabbit.

Watch this, watch this:

"Fourscore and seven years ago..."

[LAUGHING]

Nudie, nudie, nudie!

GIRL: Mom, I wanna see the Gremlins!

Sir, I can't believe this. This is worse than the first one.

We just show these movies, we don't make them.

But...

I quit. Call the union, the National Guard.

Those things took over the projector.

All they wanna see is Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

Enough!

I'll take care of this.

Mr. Hulk, we have Gremlins in the projection booth.

Could you help us? Gremlins? In this theater? Now?

Okay, you guys, listen up. People paid good money to see this movie.

When they go out to a theater, they want cold sodas, hot popcorn...

...and no monsters in the projection booth.

Do I have to come up there?

Can the Gremsters stand up to the Hulkster?

If I were you, I'd run the rest of Gremlins 2 right now!

Sorry, folks. It won't happen again.

[CLAPPING]

I'm outside the Clamp Centre office building...

...where something strange is taking place inside, though... been a day Mr. Clamp would like to forget.

Talking about green creatures.

Police are not permitting any news media inside.

Once we are allowed in...

...we'll broadcast live from inside the building.

Live...

...from inside.

Hey, you! Come here.

No! Can you work a TV camera?

Work a camera? I am a camera!

Oh, good! Come with me.

No, this way. This way.


[SCREECHES]

[LAUGHS]

CATHETER: I know, you think I'm insane.

FORSTER: No, if you were, we couldn't sue you.

Oh, my God. You see?

This is a complete failure...

...of management.

BILLY: They're eating the genetic stuff.

CATHETER: Years of research, patents, experiments!

BILLY: Are there any bright lights here?

They've broken them all. But I do have some small assault weapons.

What a hunk!

[KISSING]

Don't be afraid of your feelings! Help!

It's a hobby I knew would come in handy.

I got ordnance here that can drop a charging puma at 50 feet.

Oh, why can't you commit?

That's what these things need, a taste of...

Get it off! Get it off! Get it off!

[GUN FIRES]


[WHIMPERS]

RAMBO: To survive a war, you gotta become war.

MAN: Jimmy, come back here, Jimmy.

Let us in there. We'll take responsibility.

Most people are out anyway.

What's in there? I've been to Beirut. I bet they miss you there.

The important thing is to keep this out of the media.

They get you to say something...

...then they twist and embellish it, and before you know it... live, exclusively over the Clamp News Channel...

...from the lobby, where this invasion...

...by strange creatures, perhaps from another galaxy...

...or from a dimensional warp...

...has run riot through this building, sending people...

Dracula?

[FLOOR CREAKING]

[SCREAMS]

These horrible little green monsters in that building there!

You can't do that...

Wait! Wait! Wait! Hold it! No water. What?

That's not a fire in there. They're Gremlins.

You get them wet, they'll multiply. I know how to deal with them.

Sure, pal. Why don't you calm down? Just take it easy.

Don't talk to me like I'm crazy. I'm not crazy!

I was never crazy. I'm fine.

Let me in there!

[GROWLING]

Bill, any progress? Just tell me there's progress.

Things are really bad out there.

Bad?! Only one of my channels is still on the air.

There are human beings in the building.

Do you know what kind of lawsuits we're looking at?

Yes, I know, but...

[CRACKLING]

WOMAN'S VOICE: All of our operators are busy.

Your call will be handled in the order received.

What is that? One of those things.

They come in electric too? They do now.

He's in the phone system on hold.

[MUZAK PLAYING]

CLAMP: I thought this would never run. Maybe it will, now.

MAN'S VOICE: Because of the end of civilization, CCN now leaves the air.

We hope you have enjoyed our programming.

But more importantly, we hope you have enjoyed life.

It's beautiful, isn't it? Yes, sir. It's very uplifting.

Is there any way to turn the clocks ahead in the building three hours?

There's nothing we can't do. Why?

Sunlight kills them.

If we can fool them into thinking the sun has gone down...

...they may go to the lobby.

Right! The front doors are the only way out of the building.

The sun sets at 7:32. Then we should move at 4:20.

I like that! We have information they don't have.

That's how you take somebody out. Wait a minute.

Won't they see the sun's still out?

You'll have to take care of that. Me?

Set it up from the outside. Good!

I finally get to use my secret exit.

You know, sir? Yes?

If you pull this off, you could save the city.

Save the city? "Developer Saves City." I like that!

[SCREAMING]

[LAUGHING]

Is anyone still employed in this charming facility?

I need light in my office. Now!

CLAMP'S VOICE: At Clamp Enterprises we want you to achieve all you can.

Turn on the lights in my office.

You want me to work in the dark?

This is new.

WOMAN: Phoebe, come on, hurry!

Hey, that's Clamp! Let's go!

Has the building been evacuated? Is it on fire?

That's a false alarm. We've just got some problems.

You got a guy in there in a Dracula suit, broadcasting stuff with green monsters.

Are you trying to panic the city? Absolutely not.

So they are real? I didn't say that.

REPORTER: What are you saying? CLAMP: What I always say.

Murray?

[GREMLIN LAUGHING]

[SQUEAKING]

BILL: Gizmo? Gizmo...


As you probably know...

As you probably know, an entire race of strange beings...

...has invaded the building.

And in an even more bizarre twist, one of the creatures...

"Creatures." Is that accurate?

That one of these creatures is able to talk...

...and he's going to talk with us right now.

The main question people have is:

Creature, what is it that you want?

Fred, what we want...

...is what you and your viewers have, civilization.

Yes, but what sort of civilization are you speaking of?

The niceties. The fine points.

Diplomacy, compassion, standards, manners, tradition.

That's what we reach toward.

We may stumble on the way, but civilization, yes.

The Geneva Convention, Susan Sontag.

Everything you've worked hard to accomplish, we aspire to.

We wanna be civilized. Take a look at this fellow here.

Now, was that civilized? Clearly not.

Fun, but in no sense civilized.

None of us has been in New York before.

We have to learn how to get tickets for shows.

There's street crime, but we can watch that for free.

We want the essentials. Dinettes, bedroom groups...

...credit even if we've been turned down before.

CLAMP: Take it easy with that thing. Be careful up there!

What's that thing for?

These things can only come out when it's dark.

We set the clocks ahead. When they think it's sunset...

...and see what a nice night it is, they'll muster in the lobby.

We drop this thing, the sunlight'll pour through here and fry them!

Sure.

[CLICKING]

[MOTOR WHIRRING]

Is it safe? Help!

Billy! Huh?

I hate these little things!

You okay, Billy? Yeah. Get me out of here.

Billy? MARLA: Could I get some help here?

I'm trapped in adhesive polymer material...

...and I'm on deadline!

Darling, it's you! Thank God you're here.

Well, I could help you, or I could just leave you here.

Listen, about Billy. Nothing happened.

I asked him out to dinner. It was strictly business.

Okay, it wasn't completely business, I'll be honest.

It'll be an openness thing.

I had designs on him. I didn't get to first base. Okay?

It'll do. What a wonderfully prepared woman.


Gizmo.

[GREMLIN GROANING]

What happened to him?

BILLY: I don't know. I guess they pushed him too far.

If they get out... We'll stop them, Billy.

Don't give up now.

Washington didn't. Lincoln...

Please! What?

Don't mention Lincoln.

A terrible thing happened to me once on Lincoln's birthday.

I was 6 or 7.

I had the day off from school. Mama let me go to the park.

She made me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. That's all I ever ate.

A man with a beard and hat... Looked just like Abe Lincoln.

Honey, we don't have time for this now.

I remember... Oh, God. He said, "Hello, little girl."

[LAUGHING]

Is everybody here?

All right, then!

[ALL SINGING "NEW YORK, NEW YORK"]

[SINGING] Start spreadin' the news I'm leavin' today I wanna be a part ofit New York, New York, yes, sir These vagabond shoes Are longing to stray And step around the heart of it New York, New York These guys aren't bad.

FRED: Incredible as it seems, ladies and gentlemen...

...after their bizarre, bloodcurdling rampage of destruction...

...these strange creatures now appear to be mounting what seems to be...

...a musical number.


They're near the doors.

Don't worry. Soon Mr. Clamp will drop the cloth...

...and let in the sun.

Okay, are we ready to drop this thing?

[THUNDER ROLLING]

Sunlight?


Say cheese!

[E. POWER BIGGS' "TOCCATA & FUGUE IN D MINOR" PLAYING]


They get in the rain, the city will go under. Armageddon! WWlll!

Billy, we've gotta do something. I know.

There's a fire hose. Aim it into the lobby.

Are you crazy?

Just do it, and do it fast!

Put Gizmo in a box so he doesn't get wet.

Okay. Marla...

Smoke. Thanks.

Loogie!

Lobby!

Don't mess with Futterman!

There's a call on hold in Mr. Clamp's office. Can you transfer it here?

Yeah, I think so.

Ready! Turn it on!


Billy, I hope you know what the hell you're doing.

I'm singing in the bathtub!

Bypass the file server.

Okay.

That's it! My God!

Turn off the hose!

Hit it!


I'm melting! Melting! I'm melting!

I'm melting!

Oh, what a world, what a world!

FRED: The creatures seem to be melting into horrible little green and brown...

...puddles. It's... It's like...

Well, I can't say what it looks like, on television, but it looks terrible.


OFFICER: Let's go! Come on!

It's stuck. Come on. Back up here. Down there. Come on! Let's go!

We'll take them by this door. Come on!

Charge!

I didn't hurt myself. Maybe we can use this stuff for landfill.

We're here with Daniel R. Clamp. Hey! Hey! Wait a minute, pal!

Who told you to go on my network?

Nobody, sir. It just seemed like news, so...

Right, right. I'm making you an anchor. Six o'clock, weeknights.

Go to Barneys and get new clothes. Give this man a credit card.

This is Old World. Think sweaters. Think avuncular.

Right. Avuncular!

And my cameraman? Off caffeine, he's okay.

I'm a hit! We're a hit.

What does a menswear makeover cost today? Join us as we investigate...

And get some sun this weekend!

Hey, Bill! Oh, boy!

What's happening? It moved, sir.

All right. Carry on. Careful, that stuff's slippery.

So you bailed us out.

It wasn't just me. We all chipped in. Mr. Futterman and Marla.

Marla?

Yes, sir? You work for me, don't you?

Yes, sir.

Very, very hard.

Murray!

What happened?

They tried it again, but we were ready.

Let's go. Smells like burnt meatloaf. It's Daniel Clamp!

He's here! Mr. Clamp, can we have a statement?

Please, please!

My new head of public relations here will handle all questions.

Why, Daniel!

What happened? Where's the camera? It was horrible.

We had to stop work altogether.

Sorry about the building. I'm not.

You're not? No, we're insured for the damages.

Maybe it wasn't a place for people anyway.

It was a place for things. You make a place for things. Things come.

Well, sir, you kept the city safe.

That's right. That's a good point. The sacrifice.

That could be in my next book. I should be taking notes.

Who's got a pencil and paper? Here you go.

What's this? Kingston Falls.

I've looked for this! To buy?

No, to build for my next project in Jersey! This is terrific!

People want now, the traditional community thing.

Quiet little towns, back to the earth.

Is this your concept?

It's our hometown. That's better. I love that! It's...

Wait. It's...

"Clamp Corners. Where life slows down to a crawl."

What do you think? It's terrific.

This is what people want, not talking elevators.

You sell me this design, and we'll build the biggest...

...most sensational quiet little town ever.

But for him to do an entire town... We can come to a deal.

Are you Mrs. Peltzer? Yes! Well, I'm gonna be.

What's that? This is Gizmo.

He's a Mogwai. GIZMO: Mogwai.

I look at him, you know what I see? What, sir?

Dolls with suction cups staring out car windows.

A Macy's parade float. Have you thought about merchandising?

Me? No. Yeah!

There's something there. Lose the headband, though.

BILLY: He likes the headband.

It's flexible. Excuse me.

A lot of buildings wouldn't stand up to this intense use.

Go home now.

CLAMP'S VOICE: No visit to New York is complete without...

...touring the world's most... Put a glaze of cheese on top.

Your favorite. Yeah, sure.

GIZMO: Showtime! MTV.

Are you coming? In a minute.

GIZMO: HBO. What did he say?

He wants cable.

GIZMO: Nick at Nite? KATIE: No.

GIZMO: MTV? HBO?

Have a cigarette? WOMAN: Sorry.

I'll quit.

For you, sir. From the building. In the building?

Hello? Forster, what are you...? Okay, we'll get you out. What floor?

Way up there? It'll take a while. The elevators are out.

And all the automatic doors are locked.

I don't know, not long. We'll do what we can. Keep your pants on.

You've been working too hard. Maybe I have, Mr. Clamp.

Take a day off. Half a day. That's very generous, sir.

A half-day off once the building is operational. Thank you, sir.

[BELL RINGING]

[WEDDING MUSIC PLAYING]


Long, isn't it?


Patently ridiculous!


Still lurking about? Don't you people have homes?


That's...

DAFFY: Oh, no, you don't!

Sorry, 60 years of hogging the end title is enough!

So that's all, folks!

Fade out.

[English - US - SDH]