Hello again, everybody, I'm Jim Lampley.
Certain athletes are born enemies:
Bird and Magic. Ali and Frazier.
Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding.
But the fiercest rivalry was between two fighters from Pittsburgh...
...with the names Razor and Kid.
The fight of the year! Both men exhausted.
Razor and Kid, both undefeated top-ranked contenders...
...divide the city in a spectacular war.
Now Kid's smelling blood, punishing Razor...
...with a relentless fury.
And down goes Razor. Down goes Razor.
Down goes Razor.
The brutal 15-round bout...
...is still considered one of the greatest fights of the '80s.
Kid and Razor quickly rose to superstardom.
And the man behind their meteoric ascent was the late fight impresario, Dante Slate.
My dad was king of the ring and bringer of the bling.
And that makes me royalty, blessed with all his powers.
Really good, Dante, but don't look into the camera. Just look at me.
I don't know. It's better when I'm connecting with people.
Yeah, I don't think... What's up, people?
As the world clamored for a rematch...
...Slate knew that ratings would turn to dollar signs for both fighters.
What a turn of events! Unbelievable!
The rematch drew the biggest audience...
...since the Thrilla in Manila nine years earlier.
Kid goes down!
But this time, the story was different.
Razor soundly defeated Kid in a lopsided victory that was over in four rounds.
What lay ahead was the grudge match that would've brought each fighter millions.
Then came an announcement that shocked the world.
Today, I'm announcing my retirement from professional boxing.
The man's a coward. I'm gonna get my rematch.
You hear me, Razor? I'm getting my ****ing rematch!
Sharp has declined to comment further on his decision to this very day.
And sadly, like many former professional athletes...
...he lost his fortune just years after his retirement.
Razor went back to Benson Shipbuilders in 1987...
...where he had worked before he went pro.
As the spotlight faded, Kid became a pitchman for everything from Jockey to jock itch.
Today, he runs a successful car dealership and a popular restaurant in Pittsburgh.
Still, one can almost imagine him tonight...
...on the 30th anniversary of the fight that never was...
...contemplating yet another year of growing older...
...obsessed with a fight that never happened...
...and never will.
And just for the record, I never had jock itch.
I'm just a great actor.
Hey, champ. How's it going?
Don't call me "champ." Come on. I got your "champ."
Ha-ha-ha! A little early to start drinking.
You still got it!
I got nothing!
Guys. All right, yeah.
What the hell is happening? You didn't see yourself on TV?
I don't have a TV. Bad for the brain.
There was this thing on about you and Kid.
Oh, who cares about that?
Man, come on, like...
Why'd you drop out? Seriously.
You really wanna know? Yeah.
Never told anybody this...
...but, deep inside...
...I wanna dance.
I wanna dance. The Bristol Stomp. Ha-ha-ha.
The Ching-a-Ling. Pony. Stop, you really need to get a TV.
You don't know a good thing when you see it.
- What's it like? It's strong, but it goes down easy.
No, but seriously. Did you know that Razor Sharp was ambidextrous?
No, I hadn't heard that.
Yeah, you can knock him out with either hand.
Kind of like how you went down over and over in that last fight.
Ooh. Got a comedian in the house.
Sir, why do you have to be so rude to me in my own place?
Easy, Kid, that's a lady you're talking to.
Are you sure, Joey, because this guy's got a real set of balls on him.
Hey, asshole. It's been 30 years since those fights. Your shit's getting boring.
Look, I wasn't prepared for that fight. I was arrogant. I was overconfident.
I just didn't train enough.
Unless you call having sexual intercourse 16 times a week adequate training.
But don't worry, honey, you would've been safe.
Aha! We got a good audience tonight.
Mr. Conlon, come on. Let me in, man. No, go away!
Hey, what's going on? What's the problem?
He barricaded himself in with his scooter. Second time this week.
Second time? Sorry, Nora.
Lightning, it's me. What's the problem?
That degenerate out there! He replaced my girl, Maria!
Hey, don't say that. You don't even know the guy. He looks like a nice guy.
No! Maria gives me the sponge bath!
Not this guy. His hands are like 80 grit sandpaper.
And he's throwing himself into it too much, if you know what I mean.
Christ, I've never been so clean in my entire life.
Hey, I'm just doing my job. I know.
Yeah, that's what my scoutmaster said.
Mr. Sharp, we've had this conversation before.
I appreciate it, but he's just going through a bad time. He'll get over it.
He's gonna have to start looking for another facility.
Okay. No problem. Sorry.
Wait, wait, wait. Let me back up. Wait!
What kind of man knowingly takes a job where he's gotta wash another man's balls?
He's a hero as far as I'm concerned, pal. Heh.
You watch that TV show last night?
Yeah, I heard.
Listen, uh, your thing. Turn it down. What?
Oh, the hearing aid. Goddamn thing drives me crazy.
Feel like RZ-freaking-DZ. Heh.
Well, I'm still steamed up over that show last night.
You could've beaten that punk. Save your breath.
That book is closed. Why does everybody wanna open that book?
Just forget about it. Let it go. Sleeping dogs and all that.
They told me about the new meds. You try them?
They say they'll add a couple of years to your life. Maybe you'll reach, heh, 1000?
What difference does it make? I can't afford them and you're not paying.
You done enough already.
Hey. No, no. It's all right. I'll take care of it. Don't worry.
You're the only one that's never screwed me over.
That's gotta count for something.
Don't change the subject. I'm still very, very pissed off at you.
Pissed off at me? The fight was 30 years ago. You gotta let it go.
Man, we had so much on the table. Why did you walk away?
We could be sitting in hot tubs now with big-ass blonds.
Heh, heh. Yeah. You can't swim.
You would've drowned.
On that note, I'll leave you with the blonds you'll never have.
Tell Mr. Sandpaper Hands I want my two sleeping pills.
It's 10 in the morning. Then I want four.
I wanna be dreaming of all them hookers that you deprived me of.
Hey, you can't park here.
Take it easy, man. I'm the Ghost of Christmas Present.
Oh, come on, Razor. Razor.
It's Dante Jr. Don't act like I didn't grow up to be a fine looking man.
Right. Too bad your father didn't show up...
...so I can belt him for taking what was left of my purses.
Dad passed away last year.
If you didn't see him dead, I wouldn't trust that.
Now you make me feel a little bad.
Wanna come in or something? I would love to come in, Razor.
You look good. Hey, should I roll my window up? Is this a good area?
Tuna fish, some overripe bananas that you probably bought on sale.
You shop like my grandmom.
Bananas are a good source of potassium and I had double coupons for the fish.
That's not fish. Fish is like a sushi. That's a step above cat food, Razor.
It's dolphin safe and I don't sweat the extra nickel because it's the right thing.
Not my business. Your house, sorry.
What is this? It's like a mouse or something?
What is that? A dog.
A dog? It's a dog.
So why you here, Junior? Why am I here?
You know what this is, Razor?
A bad movie?
It's a video game. Right.
When did they unfreeze you, Captain America?
"Captain America"? You know, I'd like to take you down a peg...
...but it looks like somebody beat me to it.
A height joke. That was good. That's original.
Height ain't nothing but a number.
See, in Thailand, I'm in the 95th percentile. I'm okay over there.
So, what you say can't hurt my feelings. Let's talk turkey.
The guys that made this game saw your HBO special.
They loved it. I loved it. Did I tell you? I really did.
Anyway, they wanna put you and Kid in the game.
Okay? Before you say anything, hear me out.
All they do is videotape you throwing a couple punches, record you making noises.
Unh! Unh! Ugh! I'm gonna kill you.
Except in a white guy's voice. They don't wanna scare anybody.
That's how simple this is. It ain't that simple.
I can't be in the same room as that guy. Okay, okay. Now listen. Slow down.
That's the case, I'll bring you in on separate days.
You're talking less than an hour for 10 grand.
Ten grand, man. Easy.
No. Not worth it.
The hell you mean, it ain't worth it? I'm looking at your house!
No. You're obviously doing well...
...with all this F-you mouse sculpture making money you got.
It's a dog and I don't do it for money.
Tell you what, you wanna play hardball? Twelve Gs.
Twelve Gs. I pulled it out my ass. Twelve Gs.
I'll get 12 Gs, you knickknack-making son of a bitch.
I don't like the way you looking at me, as if...
Stubborn piece of shit.
You were right to rip him off, Daddy. You should've.
Come here with a perfectly damn good deal, you gonna throw it back in my face?
Like I'm crazy? Okay. That's fine.
Piece of shit!
I'll do it for 15.
But I don't wanna see him.
Done and done. That is done.
Hey, Raze, real quick. Do you got any jumper cables?
You think you can give me a jump?
Okay, it's fine.
I'll figure it out.
You've made the right decision. It's gonna be great.
Thank you, Raze!
He said yes! Whoo!
Come on! It's like ripping off a Band-Aid. Just come in here and get it over with.
This is stupid. What is this mess?
"This mess" is the future.
Now, come on, Razor. I don't got time to be playing with you all day.
You got male camel toe.
You look like Buzz Lightyear.
"To infinity and beyond!" Stop it.
I'm playing. Come on, man.
I'm not doing this. What you talking about? You look great.
I wish I could put you in a martini glass. I've never been this uncomfortable.
Will you relax? It's gonna take you a few minutes. How bad could it be?
And fix your crotch, man.
We're ready. We're good, Raze. Let's go.
Looks good, huh? Money time, baby.
Looks good. Okay, Razor. Let's throw some jabs at Wilbur the dummy.
We're recording your punch form. Okay.
One, two. One, two.
Okay. Can you put a little oomph into it?
Heh. This is stupid.
Let's try, okay?
Act like the dummy is real and the dummy's hitting back.
Imagine that somebody just sold you a overpriced can of tuna. There you go.
Come on, Razor! Imagine it's Kid.
That's good. Huh? Damn right, it's good.
Hey, I hope I don't look like that big of an asshole.
You set me up? Nobody set anybody up, Razor.
What'd I tell you? I told you to come in 1:00.
I came early.
I wanted to see my old friend. He's been ducking me 30 years. I missed him.
It don't look like you're missing any meals. I'm out of here.
No, you're not. Not till you admit that you quit because you were scared of me.
Why do you talk like that? What do you mean?
Just admit it. It's true. You know what?
I'm getting out of here, and I'm asking nice.
Or what? Just get out of the way.
Listen. Those punches might get these nerds all hot under the pants, but you know what?
They're the same half-assed punches you threw 30 years ago when you ran from me.
Move, or I'm moving you. Try and move me. Go ahead.
You know, maybe you're right. I might pop a disc, you're just so fat.
What weight class you fighting at now, LAP-BAND?
I can still take you. Maybe to the prom if you ask nice.
Pushing your luck now. Hey! Hey!
I'm sorry. I did it to you, all right? You're just sorry?
You're a lucky guy.
No, no. No! No, man! What are you doing?
No, no. Razor! What you doing with that?
Stop! Stop it! Oh, man.
What are you doing? Stop it. Don't do that!
I would have beat you!
You done lost your mind?
Come on, come on, come on.
Come on. Come on.
What are you doing?
Guys, this is...
It's not the behavior of old men!
Yo, guys, you gotta see this. Come here.
Check this out.
And the number one play of the week.
Check out this clip of two former Light Heavyweight Champs...
...that is blowing up online.
In fact, Razor Sharp and Kid McDonnen's brawl has gotten so popular...
...it's gone animated.
Come on, come on.
Unh! You're a lucky guy.
You two some kind of superheroes?
Yeah, I'm the Green Champion and he's the Emerald SuperPussy.
Yeah, must be tough for you, huh? SuperPussy?
You can't run or hide anymore, can you? And you can't ignore me anymore.
Huh? You can't ignore me. Can't ignore me.
Will one of you hurry up and rape this guy, already?
Yo, Sharp, McDonnen. You made bail.
Soon as we get out of these cops' eyelines, I'm gonna punch you again.
Tell me so I know when to say "Ow."
Ladies! My God, please don't embarrass yourselves any further out here.
Come look at this. Look at this video.
What's this? It's going viral.
It's got over, like, a million views right now.
You don't know what I mean by "going viral."
Razor, you know what YouTube is?
Neither one of you know what "viral" means? What type of two out-of-touch, old...
Sorry. No, no. Uncalled-for. Forget it.
Look, it's a video of your fight. That's me? Hey, that's me.
They say the camera adds 10 pounds. What's your excuse for the other 20?
Do me a favor? Save the verbal jousting for a more important time.
I'm about to lay something huge on you.
I got a company that wants the rematch. December 15th, Palace Theatre.
They want to pay each of us 75 grand. Each of us?
I meant each of you. They're gonna pay you 100 grand.
You just said 75. Now you went to 100?
I was thinking about the thing at the house.
Don't worry, it ain't gonna happen.
Just give me the 15 grand you promised for the game.
Hey, jagoff, you promised him 15 grand?
He did. Give me the money.
They're not gonna pay you.
Lucky if they don't sue for breaking the equip...
I needed that money. I should be doing this for the 15.
You should get off me in front of this police station.
I got more money for you.
Nothing you could offer me. I ain't fighting.
You're still a chickenshit.
Razor, don't walk away. Why don't you wanna do it?
Please. It's a chance of a lifetime, you moron.
Not helping. Razor!
What are you provoking him for? I'm not. I didn't do anything.
Well, I did do something, but that's a long time ago.
And that's probably what it is.
I banged his girlfriend.
I'm sorry, what? I knocked her up. His girlfriend.
Great segue into information I needed to know earlier.
Probably wasn't a good idea.
A momentary lapse in judgment.
Putting your thing where it doesn't belong. That's what you...
I can't... This is white people shit, man.
Son of a bitch. He ain't ever gonna fight me.
Can't believe you would. It's insane.
Oh, yeah? What? Give me one reason.
You're old. You're fat.
You got a bad back. You got weak knees.
Hey, you know, don't sugarcoat it. Be honest.
It ain't gonna happen anyway.
It's never gonna happen.
Thank God for that.
Walter, where you going?
More layoffs, man. After 30 years, they let me go just like that.
Hey, Razor, boss needs to see you.
Least you don't have a family, man.
No, done and done.
Hey, hey, look, get off my phone before you change your mind.
Okay, man. Bye.
I am done with you! That's right. It is over, you piece of shit.
Yo! Get back in your car!
Ain't my car no more, bitch! Okay? I'm getting a new one!
Sorry! I just won a cracker lottery!
Thank you, Jesus!
Thirty years! Thirty goddamn years!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Yes, yes, yes!
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
I gotta get in shape.
All right, Pittsburgh. Who's ready to make history, huh?
I love it.
Okay, without further ado, I'd like to reintroduce to the world...
...Billy "The Kid" McDonnen and Henry "Razor" Sharp!
Come on, now!
Thought you said there'd be a crowd. Trust me. Sit.
I want you all to forget two things:
The Rumble in the Jungle, the Thrilla in Manila.
But what you will never forget...
Grudgement Day! Questions.
Uh, is this fight some kind of joke? No, it's not. Next question.
If one of you gets knocked down, is it safe to say that you've fallen and you can't get up?
Okay. Does anybody have a real question?
Razor, who do you think is in better shape? You or the Kid?
Depends what kind of shape you're talking about.
If it's round, he is. Ha, ha.
So who's gonna train you? Who's gonna train me? Frankie Brite.
Isn't he training Geronimo Padilla? He is, but he's gonna train me too.
What precautions are you taking? At your age, this really does seem dangerous, even deadly.
Understand something. This fight will be cleared as if it was any other bout, okay?
Are either of you worried that you won't pass?
No, I'm not worried. I had all my shots.
Johnny Walker, Jack Daniel's.
Jose Cuervo. Ha-ha-ha.
Dante, is there any shot this would be the first fight that features Life Alert necklaces?
You're being very disrespectful.
A man turns 60, all of a sudden he's washed up and you kick him out of the workplace.
That may have been fine 100 years ago, when men were dying at the age of 50.
But in this world, it's different. The elderly are strong.
Their spirit is strong. And they have a voice.
And that voice is in these two men and they will be heard.
Get up, right now.
That's the way you sell a fight. You bet your old grizzly ass it is.
Whoa, Sally Rose. Hey.
I thought I saw you. I wasn't sure.
Hey. You look good. How you been?
So why you here?
I came to see you. You did?
Why would you want to do something like that?
To talk you out of this crazy fight.
I know what you mean. It's a little crazy. You think it's kind of a joke, right?
I just don't want you to get hurt. That's all.
Nice seeing you.
How many alcoholic beverages do you consume?
Normal. Five, maybe six.
A week? Well, maybe a little more than normal.
Ah! Oh, baby Jesus.
It feels normal.
To you, maybe.
There they are. Hey! Ha, ha.
Just like I said. Paragons of health, huh?
Passed with flying colors.
Clean bill of health.
Not quite "with flying colors."
But it's our paintbrushes that we painting with.
So look, I'm gonna introduce you to a guy that's making this happen.
Lou Camare, our promoter.
I would've met you at the press conference...
...but Junior begged me to let him go in front of the cameras by himself.
This face needs solo exposure. You know that.
You know, my brother's the doctor who saw you.
And my other brother, he's the commissioner.
I can get a dogfight sanctioned if I needed to. This one was tricky.
Are you saying that I can bring my dog here too?
That's not what he said. Why do I feel like there's something coming?
Here's the thing. The conference didn't go as planned.
We gotta sell 5000 tickets, baby. Five thousand.
So I'm gonna need help promoting it.
Not individuals, both of you. Together. As a group, okay?
I could never spend more than three minutes with this bum...
...unless I was beating the brains out of him. He's got it backwards.
He's punch-drunk. I was smacking him around.
I smacked him from ring post to ring post.
A little too much of this in the head. Little too much.
When's the fight? Boom.
Hey, listen. Bottom line is this: if we don't sell tickets, we don't make money.
No tickets, no money. "No tickets, no money." I'm in.
That's my guy. No ticket, no money. No tickets, no money. No money, no fight.
No ticket, no money.
No fight, no money, no tickets. Either way you put it, all three ways:
No tickets, no fight, no money. No money, no fight, no tickets.
No fight, no money, no tickets. What's the third one?
All three ways. You got it covered.
What's your problem?
You gonna fight, fight. You're not gonna fight, don't fight.
You fight, you have to do these things.
The point that I'm making, in order to do it, we gotta do it together.
Yeah, together. Okay.
It's show time at the Miroquois Casino.
Slots, entertainment and the best buffet on the Monongahela River!
Just ask these two.
Whoa, will you get a load of that hunk of meat?
Hey, watch your mouth, Billy "The Kid" McDonnen, onetime Light Heavyweight Champ.
I'm right over here. Right over by the delicious prime rib.
Sorry, Henry "Razor" Sharp, onetime Light Heavyweight Champ.
I didn't hear you as I am distracted by this mouth-watering chicken breast.
If you got a gambling problem, if you're a degenerate...
...I wouldn't come down here because gambling is a cancer.
Cut! Please just follow the script, Razor.
It's not that.
The pictures make this look glamorous but it could be a problem for people...
...and I'm saying it should be known.
What is this, improv night at Chuckles? Come on, say the words.
Well, maybe I just happened to hit a sore spot, huh?
Didn't you lose 200 grand betting the Buffalo Bills?
Who loses the Super Bowl four times in a row?
I don't know. You.
I thought they'd win once. Maybe you got a talent for losing.
I got a talent for busting your... Hey, hey!
You're getting personal. I'm standing here.
I'm gonna put that shit right up your ass!
Heh. No such thing as bad publicity.
Those two ex-fighters are making news again...
...and are trending on Twitter. We'll have that...
What a lot of crap. What's the matter?
You gotta fight in 12 weeks, you're doing stupid publicity stunts. Who's training you?
Well, here's a hint: Somebody I can trust.
Well, that's easy, because you don't trust nobody.
I trust you. Ha, ha.
Forget it. I'm a dinosaur.
Come on, we did pretty good for 13 years together.
In case you haven't noticed, I can hardly take care of myself. I'm like an infant baby.
Except I got three white pubic hairs.
Heh. You can do this.
I haven't got time. I gotta find myself a place to stay.
You can stay with me until I find you a new place.
No. Don't spend any more money on me. I'm almost done.
It's like polishing a turd.
Do you remember the first time I came to the gym?
Do you remember what you said to me? I do.
I said, "it looks like the garbage man forgot to take out the trash."
Heh. Yeah. Something cheerful like that.
Then you said:
"if I take you on, kid, you're stuck with me."
You said that.
Don't quit on me, Light. I won't quit on you.
Oh, here we go.
It's a quarter.
Come on. Light, I need your help.
It'd be fun. One last time.
You know why I said what I did about the garbage?
I didn't want your head to get swelled up. You were so goddamn good.
Give me my quarter back.
How can you be so cheap?
I haven't got any money. Give me my damn quarter.
Oh, wow! This is exciting. Look who's here to meet me. Kid McDonnen.
You know him from the Internet. "Two old guys fighting."
He used to be Light Heavyweight Champ. Wow, you put on a couple pounds?
You're gonna get me in shape. Oh, really?
He's gonna get me in shape.
Give us a couple minutes. They can come.
Watch a real reality show.
Watch us negotiate. Okay. Okay! Ha, ha.
Hey! Ho-ho! All right.
Let's get real, Kid. Okay, let's get real.
Me training you, it ain't happening.
Well, this might be a problem, because I already made the announcement.
You, my friend, are embarrassing yourself.
A great performer knows when it's time to get off the stage.
What? Foreman fought when he was old. He was 15 years younger than you.
Listen, you know what I'm gonna do?
I'll go down there and fight any one of those fighters, the best one.
And then if you see that I don't have what you want, I'll walk away.
Where's your dignity?
You're in my office, begging me for a comeback you don't deserve?
Well, take your best shot now. Whoa, Kid.
What are you flexing for?
Don't try it. I'm warning you. I'll lay you out.
Don't worry, I won't. All right.
Oh. Come on, Kid.
What? I saw your fist clench 10 seconds ago.
I saw your eyes dart at my gut five seconds ago.
You're an old man. You're washed up.
Ooh! Did you see that five seconds ago?
Huh? Huh? What? My eyes darted there first.
I can't believe you. After what I did for your father, your family...
...how you ever could say no to me.
You wouldn't have all this if it wasn't for me.
You wouldn't have this gym if it weren't for me.
I don't understand.
You mention my father. That's a low blow. I respect what you did for my family.
What are you gonna do? Okay, I'll let you train here.
I'll even get some of my guys to help you out.
But you and I both know I won't be doing jack.
Long as we're clear. Yeah, all right.
See? You got me moving faster already.
Hey. You again?
Think I can talk to you for a second? Why do you keep following me around?
My name's BJ. I'm your son, Kid.
We should get some coffee.
Yeah, I'd like that.
Excuse me, can I just ask you something real quick?
You're in training, right? Uh-huh.
What are you training for? A pie-eating contest? Heh.
That's all carbs.
That's good. Maple syrup. It's healthy.
So when did your mother tell you about me? Just last week.
Gotta tell you, if you weren't all over the news, I don't think she would've.
So how is she?
Well, she's, uh...
She's emotional, you know?
My dad. Her husband, the guy who raised me, he passed away recently so...
Ah. Sorry to hear that. Thank you.
Was he good to you? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, he was the best.
What'd she say about me?
That you were pretty much the worst.
More specifically. All right. All right.
She, um... She said you turned into an asshole.
Heh, that's what she said.
She said you became a womanizer and a drunk. Loudmouth, you know?
Is that all? That's it.
That's bullshit. Ha, ha.
Well, I was all those things way before I met your mother.
Yeah, she wasn't too happy about me coming to see you today so...
Well, why did you?
Guess I was curious.
You were never curious about me?
Your mother asked me to not make any contact with you so I respected that.
You respected that, but...
You did know you had a son, right?
I wasn't ready to be a dad and your mother got pregnant accidentally.
You had me and I was a mistake you didn't want to deal with, right?
I didn't mean it like that. I'm sorry. No, it's okay, I get it.
Don't take it like that. I'm not taking it any way.
You're not a mistake. You're here. The situation was a mistake. I don't know.
It's okay. You don't owe me nothing. Take that.
Put that towards your double bypass. What's all this about?
When I came here today, I was pissed off at my mom...
...because she kept you a secret from me, but I think I get why she did it.
Home, sweet home.
It's exactly the same as it was 20 years ago.
It's my hobby. I got a creative side. Didn't know that, did you?
So where's the TV? You don't got a TV?
I don't do TV.
You don't do TV. Mm-mm.
You got an iPad?
No, I got a regular couch.
It's not a couch, dummy.
I know what an iPad is. I'm just jerking your chain.
Do you know what an iPad is?
Yeah, I do. It's one of those flat things you push around with your fingers.
It sounds great. Makes me wanna buy one because you're making it sound so appealing.
Don't use sarcasm on me. I'm an old man. I confuse easy.
Ladies and gentlemen...
...please rise for our national anthem as sung by boxing legends...
...Henry "Razor" Sharp and Billy "The Kid" McDonnen.
Oh, say can you see By the dawn's early light What so proudly we hailed At the twilight's last gleaming?
LeBron burst in your hair What?
Gave proof to the night
Time to train.
All right. I'm up, I'm up, I'm up.
I said it's time to train.
What have I done?
Frankie's not coming till later. I'm your trainer, Mikey.
You can't be my trainer. Maybe I'd believe you ate my trainer.
Forty-six and chilly downtown.
It's not gonna get much warmer this afternoon.
Highs today in Pittsburgh only around the 60s.
Grab a sweater and maybe an extra cup of Joe.
Right now, here's today's six at 6.
Do fighters still do this? Seems like a lot of cholesterol.
And don't throw up.
Anything good in the magazine, Mike?
Besides the crumbs from your breakfast burrito?
Can you believe how bad these Hollywood stars look without their makeup?
What's so funny?
I was thinking about something. Bullshit.
What are you laughing at? Your moobs.
Your moobs. My what?
Your moobs, they bounce when you jump. It's like bad Baywatch.
Let's go, let's go! You've only got 50 feet to go.
My ass is numb from this goddamn scooter.
You need a lift?
Why'd you come find me again?
Because I knew you didn't mean it.
How you been?
You mean since the last time I saw you in 1984? I've been okay, thanks.
Hey! You got 50 more feet!
Don't quit on me now! In a minute, Light.
Oh, my God. I can't believe he's still alive.
I mean, not in a bad way.
So why are you here, Sally?
I just think we got off on the wrong foot at the press thing...
...and I just thought we could go and talk.
Well, I'm training right now. Can't do it.
Look, lately, I've seen a lot of clips of you.
You know, because of the fight and all and clips of us...
...and I thought I had filed all of that away some place really neatly...
Well, that's good. I mean, you were always neat.
You know, Henry, it's taken me almost 30 years to say this...
...but I truly am sorry. I apologize.
You look cold. I'm cold.
It's good seeing you, but I gotta go.
I'm in the phone book under Anderson.
My late husband's name, if you ever wanna talk about this.
Why would I ever wanna talk about this, Sally?
Is he a good kid?
You'd like him.
Call her before she remembers that you're you.
Don't eavesdrop on my private conversations, okay?
I had my hearing aid turned down.
But you could see she was sending all the signals.
You could be doing the bone dance with her instead of welding mice out of crap.
And I said mind your own business.
Why don't you have a goddamn TV? I could be watching Dancing With the Stars.
I'm an old guy. I gotta be watching Dancing With the Stars. I'm serious.
Come on, baby. Come on, old man.
Your timing's off, Kid.
He's out-hustling you, Kid.
Your timing's way off.
Touch him with the jab.
Move your head.
Tap him with that jab.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Stop. Shmoo, ease up. He's like 80 years old.
I am easing up, baby. Come on.
Kid, let's call it a session. I'm tired just watching.
I can't quit, he's moving too fast. I can't land anything.
Hey, you think I could just make a suggestion real quick?
Come again? I won't interrupt.
Just a quick suggestion. He's got a hitch in his jab.
Try timing it with the right. See what happens.
Hey, you his trainer? No, I'm not.
Then back the hell off!
Let's go. Ready? Come on.
Good tip. Hey, Kid.
I don't need this shit. I was doing you a favor.
If you wanna listen to him, be my guest, all right?
That's my son. He's the first person to talk to me like a boxer instead of a pair of tits.
Get out of here.
You know what? I'm gonna show you something, you fat piece of shit.
What the hell? Come back here.
Come back, you fat bastard, I'm gonna kick your ass.
I'll show you a pair of tits!
So Why'd you come back?
I just wanna give you these back, all right?
I have a dealership. I can't have my son drive around in that old piece of shit.
I appreciate the gesture, all right, but just...
You're not buying me into your life. It's not gonna happen.
Just take the keys. Take the keys, please.
Fine. Let it go, Kid.
Hey, what's "BJ" stand for?
Bradley James. It stands for Bradley James, but I just...
I like BJ.
We all do, kid.
It's one thing to get one and it's another to be called one.
Oh, that is clever, I gotta tell you.
Kids in school use to say that...
...until I smacked the loudest one and made the rest stop.
So I spent like a month in the principal's office because of people saying that.
I guess I actually kind of liked it.
Fighting, you mean? No, the principal. She was hot.
Yeah, well, that sounds familiar.
So you like boxing too? Noticed this.
I surely got the nose, huh? Nothing like you.
I had some amateur fights, went to nationals, but Mom made me quit.
My dad, he signed me up for football.
How'd you do?
Played corner in college.
But I coach now. I do strength and conditioning over at Pitt.
Wow. Panthers. Impressive. No.
It's just I got a knack for kicking fat asses into shape, that's all.
Where'd you get that smart mouth on you?
Did the guy who raised you give you that? Definitely not.
Ha, ha. No, sir. Funny, nobody could ever figure it out where I got that from.
Now I'm thinking maybe Mom had a pretty good idea.
Hey, how about you help me?
Help get me back in shape.
Like you want me to train you? Yeah.
Ha, ha. You're crazy.
I ain't helping you. Huh?
No, I don't wanna do that. Come on.
I don't think so. Come on, just till I find somebody else.
This'll be your salary.
It's a Dodge Dart, not a Porsche. You act like you're giving me something.
That's a piece of shit.
It is a piece of shit, isn't it?
How about I kick a dent in it, you'll like it better?
There's an idea. Want me to scratch it up with a key?
I tell you what. You've got yourself a deal. You start tomorrow. Six a.m.
How about 10:30? How about 6 a.m.?
How about 8:30? How about 6 a.m.?
And do me a favor. Lay off the, uh, flapjacks and the Scotch, all right, Stay Puft?
Mom is not gonna like this one.
Well, we'll turn her.
"We'll turn her"? Good luck.
Oh, by the way, Kid, you, uh... You got a grandson.
His name's Trey and he's 8.
How do I look in this thing? Pretty good?
Don't get into an accident.
I'm not sure about this place. Why don't we go outside and do road work?
No, your legs are fine. It's just the rest of your muscles are as rusty as my balls.
Hey, Light. Filter.
Your head's making noise. You wanna hear a noise?
It's gonna be the sound of you crying if you don't get out of here.
That was nice.
Like I was saying. We're gonna focus on your endurance and your speed...
...so you get so fast, he's gonna crawl right back up into his mama's vagina.
Hey, Light. What?
"What?" Take a Walk.
You sit down right here.
Hey, Moses. Looks like Dundee found your new sparring partner.
Another funny one, Frank.
He's closer to a pro fighter in age than you are. Keep it up.
Kid, there's somebody I want you to meet. My son, Trey.
No way. My family gets bigger and bigger.
Can I call you Grandpa? No.
No. Kid. Call me Kid.
That seems weird because you're old.
Just call him Billy. Nice to meet you, Billy.
Nice to meet you. I'm gonna go do my homework.
Okay. Go get them.
Okay, Dad. You ready, Grandpa?
Don't call me Grandpa. Don't like that?
Last night I decided we're going to train in a very particular way.
We're going to train old school.
None of this... None of this Pilates crap.
I'm talking real old school. I'm talking Johnson, I'm talking Dempsey, I'm talking Louis.
And today, we're gonna start with pool punching.
What's pool punching?
Let's go! Joe Frazier did this three hours a day! You're not even going five minutes.
Joe Frazier didn't do this.
Let's go. Let's go. Give me 10. What do you say?
Attaboy. Let's go, there's one.
Are you kidding me?
Really? That's it?
One and a half?
What did Frazier do? He drove him nuts by rolling under that right hand and, barn...
...he threw the left hook. Roll and throw, Kid.
So you work on that, I'm gonna surprise you with balls.
It reminds me of a woman I met in Bangkok...
What do you think he's got here? Hundred? Two hundred acres?
All this stuff here just rusting.
He's sitting on a gold mine. He's got endless piles of crap.
Light, you're killing me. Put up 100, 150...
...500 condominiums here.
You gotta be quiet. Unh.
Five, six hundred. I bet you $10,000, he'd sell the whole goddamn thing.
Unh. Don't stop. Don't stop!
Didn't I tell you not to stop? Aah!
Let's go, get your elbows up. Find a rhythm.
Through the bell, through the bell, through the bell!
Time! Attaboy. Attaboy.
Sorry you had to see that, Trey.
You all right? Yeah, I'm sore.
Hey! What are you doing? I thought you wanted me to hit this.
What are you gonna do? Beat up the meat? That's not sanitary.
No, we're just here to buy dinner.
You don't have to punch everything. Right.
Let's go, up! Pop. Pop. Attaboy. Come on! Up! Up!
What is it exactly that you're doing right now?
What are you doing? Resting.
Taking a rest, huh? That's gonna get the job done.
Jesus Christ, did you just fart on me?
Did you just fart on me? Are you kidding me? You gotta be kidding me.
Good God, come on. You're better than that.
You kidding me? You know, my head's right there.
Hey. This is insane.
What? You paratrooped in 'Nam. What's the problem?
Hey, that was 40 years ago, for crying out loud.
Shut up! Get out of the plane! This is great promotion!
Guys, go get ready. Because the target is right there.
All right, let's go!
Go now? You're good!
Ha-ha-ha! God, that felt good.
You threw his old ass out the plane! Why are you laughing?
I forgot to tell you, first one down gets an extra five grand.
Shit! Don't forget to pull the string!
That's just beautiful! Precious!
Sharp and McDonnen made quite the splash when the two 60-plus fighters...
Oh, my God. They're nuts! - ...parachuted into a parking lot.
Nuts! - Although their landing...
...didn't go exactly as planned...
- Thank you. ...both men walked away...
...with only a few bruises.
Okay, new regimen.
Starting today, you're gonna be soaking your hands in this stuff. Make them leathery.
What is it? It's horse urine.
I'm not sticking my hand in horse urine.
Oh, you're telling me you're better than Jack Dempsey?
Because every day Jack Dempsey would soak his hands in horse urine.
And nobody had a tougher punch than Jack Dempsey.
Did you heat it up or is it fresh?
I knew that. I'm kidding.
It's horse piss.
I am kidding, actually. Come on!
Take a shower. Wash your hands very, very thoroughly.
You can still smell the horse piss. Wait, don't put it...!
Don't put it in there. Just throw it in my room.
Why? What's wrong with...? Just get it off the box.
What do you got in there, the Hope Diamond? Don't worry about it.
Your porn stash? It's not funny.
Letters from Sally.
Aw, for God's sakes, call her up!
What are you talking about?
Deal with Sally, or your head won't be clear and she's gonna screw up your fight again.
What do you mean, "again"? Oh, for God's sakes.
A guy has sex with my girl, I want to knock his teeth out.
Why didn't you? Because Kid loved boxing.
I wanted to take from him the one thing he cared about most...
...because that's what he took from me.
Well, you sure have a funny way of showing it.
You're my buddy. But be careful where you're going...
...because you don't know anything about it.
Forgive me, but you keep talking about how much she meant to you.
All I remember is you would show up at the gym first thing in the morning.
You would be the last person to leave at night.
You didn't have time for anybody or anything.
You blamed her for ruining the relationship.
Well, maybe the real problem was you.
Trey, you have a good time? Yeah, I did.
I know you're kidding. Hey, Sally. Long time.
Ma, look... You're not training this guy.
It was my idea. Don't get mad at him. I'm serious.
I understand. BJ, I'm serious.
What's the point of telling me if you don't want me interacting with him?
Interacting's one thing. Working with is another.
Why? You can't be trusted.
He's training me. That's all.
I don't care! Stop yelling!
I think everyone's a little cranky because they haven't eaten.
I say we do this.
Burger, burger... Salad.
And a glass of white wine.
That sounds good. Sound good?
You know, it might be helpful if you told us what you hated about the guy so much.
Yeah. He doesn't seem that bad.
You know I offered to marry her? You did?
He didn't want to marry me. No, I offered to marry you.
You also offered to sleep with my sister the same night.
I can still hear you!
You did sleep with Carol, my friend. That's what she said.
You must be really tired if you fall asleep with all these people.
Sometimes people make you tired. You know what?
I've got some quarters. Why don't you go play a game? That'd be fun.
Come on! This is the best dinner conversation we ever had.
Trey. Why don't you go ahead, okay?
So, what happened?
I was an idiot. No, you weren't an idiot.
You were young and confused. "Confused"? Oh, man.
You thought you liked him. You realized you loved me.
One thing led to another and I couldn't handle settling down.
So I was gonna do the right thing. I was gonna marry you.
I didn't want to marry you.
I didn't love you. I loved him.
Why did you sleep with me?
I was stupid.
Well, girls have slept with me for less.
There was this one girl, slept with me. She thought I was Marv Albert.
Because my haircut was different. You are unbelievable.
Why couldn't you pick George Foreman? We would've been rolling in grill money.
I've been with three people. Three men in 30 years.
Mom... Two, I loved.
Your father, not him. And Razor.
Ma, don't go.
What a bunch of nonsense. What is this?
What are you talking about? It's called promotion, Kid.
Hey. Yes, Razor.
I know we've got a contract, but I can't stand being around that clown.
What is up with you? Huh? Did you wake up on the wrong side of the tenement?
Hey, Webster. Show a little respect.
And I choose to believe that you called me Webster because of my vocabulary...
...not because of my height and race. No, it's because you're short and black.
That's funny. That's real funny.
What was Jesus like? I'm curious. Was he cool?
They're ready for you.
They call your names, head right up to the octagon.
Well, what kind of stupid sport is this?
Boxing's better? They fight in a square and they call it a ring.
What is the problem, guys?
Good point. Thank you.
Walk up on me and I promise I'm gonna bust your ass.
Please welcome boxing legends, Billy "The Kid" McDonnen...
...and Henry "Razor" Sharp.
Pleasure to see you.
Thank you for your time.
Guys, thank you very much. Welcome. Thanks for joining us.
Thanks for having us.
So, what do you guys think of the event?
I mean, no offense, but to me, next level beyond boxing, huh?
I don't... I don't get it.
Yeah, me either. What are you doing?
If I wanted to see two guys grab each other's balls...
...I'd try the men's room at Kid's restaurant.
That's why we throw him out all the time.
Called Knocked Out, by the way. 337 Charles Street.
Everybody's invited. Come on, Kid!
Listen. You gotta hold it down because you're driving me crazy.
I'm sorry. Do I give a shit? No!
Man, are you gonna be feisty when you hit puberty.
What is it that you do not like about mixed martial arts?
It's okay. We had a name for guys that kicked when they fought:
You know what? I think our audience is taking offense to the fact...
...that you don't believe this is a skilled art form.
Look at this! Look at this!
They booing us!
What did...? Say whatever you want.
That's great. That's great.
You can kiss my black ass if this shit don't happen.
Kid, compare MMA to boxing.
Well, to me, it's more like pro wrestling.
- Chael Sonnen! Hey, Grandpa!
Is this what they call manners?
You come here to our venue in front of our fans.
You're gonna compare us to rassling?
Ha. Did he say "rassling"?
Why don't you stand there in your sweatshirt and look stupid...
...while I speak to your fellow geriatric? Hey.
Look at this guy. Who are you? I don't even know what your name is.
I'm the guy asking you to pick up one of your arms and throw it in my direction...
...so I can put you on your ass and you can tell these fans if it felt scripted.
Hey. Go ahead.
You know what? Yeah, be my guest. You take your first shot. I challenge you.
Hit him! What are you wasting your time?
Why are you interrupting? You got some courage? You want to take a shot?
I don't want to take a shot. I want you to smash him.
Go ahead. Hit him. Hit him. He wants to be hit.
Shut up, old man.
Guess that's that.
That was a lucky shot.
Why didn't you say anything?
It was busy.
No one's phone is busy anymore with call waiting.
It's probably her.
What? How'd she know?
Would it be easier if I said she had magic powers?
Don't. Hold on, Sally.
Sally. How you doing?
Hello. - Hi. Hey.
Uh, call and hang up, just like the good old days.
Heh. You know, I just saw you on TV punch some guy out.
I mean, wow.
I mean, your punch is really great.
Yeah, I was lucky.
No, really. - I appreciate it. Thanks.
Listen, I was thinking about what you were saying about meeting.
- Yeah. Yeah, you know, just to catch up.
Sure. I'd love to.
- Wow, what? No, I was just...
I don't know, maybe tomorrow? Tomorrow would be good.
So I'll see you then, okay?
Whenever you're ready, come see us. Thank you.
Judd, what's with the crowd?
Well, apparently, everybody wants to buy a car from you.
Well, that's a good change.
Hey, what's going on, Lou?
Nothing. I'm in my office right now.
Hey, hey, how we selling?
Oh, that's good.
No, that's real good, Lou.
Are you kidding me right now?
Hey, shut up! Hold on.
Don't tell me to shut up! You shut up! I found out I'm about to be rich.
You know what? I'm gonna buy this place...
...and turn it into a gentlemen's club and I'm not gonna hire you.
I'm gonna hire everybody else, except you two.
Hey, way to do it, Kid!
Look who's here. Look who's here. Wow.
Did you see this guy on TV last night?
Was that amazing or what? I mean, you really kicked ass.
You made us old-timers look real good last night.
Kid, you know what I was thinking? Thought I'd train you today.
Yeah? Really? Yeah, yeah.
Johnny, get up in the ring. Spar with Kid.
Looking good. Good job, Kid. It was great last night. All right.
Thanks, Frankie. Stay loose.
I like it. You're looking like new money in there. Ha, ha.
I thought you were his trainer, Dad.
Yeah, buddy, so did I.
You know, this is great, Frankie.
Being in the main ring with you and the crew and all that, but I already have a trainer.
Can you stop filming? No, don't stop.
What's your problem, Kid?
I thought you'd be thankful I was offering to work with you.
I'm trying to do you a favor.
I'm grateful. Nice of you to come down from your mountain to do me this favor...
...but I don't need a favor. I need a trainer.
You stuck me with that guy, who's such a dumbshit...
...he doesn't even know I'm talking about him right now.
See? It's what it is.
The only reason you give a shit is I finally got some heat.
Let's be honest, Frank. Oh.
Really? Uh-huh. Yeah.
Oh, okay. You're the original media whore.
Your mother's a whore. What?
Your mother's a whore. And I named my son after her best trick. Right, BJ?
Trey, you stay here.
You call my mother a whore? You call my mother a whore?
You call my... Unh!
Well, that's that.
Start the car.
Come on, buddy. Let's go.
Let's go, yeah. Let's go, Dad.
Dad? What do the letters in your name mean? The B and the J?
You gotta be kidding me. You see what you started?
You started this.
Well, you know, Trey? I'll answer that.
B and J stands for...
"butterscotch jellybeans." Really?
A lot of guys like butterscotch jellybeans.
But you know the problem?
Sometimes, women don't like to give guys butterscotch jellybeans.
Ha-ha-ha. I love butterscotch jellybeans a lot.
I like to have, like, 100 a day.
Well, what an appetite you have. Boy, oh, boy.
Hey, you know, uh, what you did back there...
...you stepping up like that.
I appreciate it. I just want to let you know.
I don't have any use for that jagoff.
Crap, I'm gonna be late for football practice.
Hey, Trey-Trey, you got your stuff, right? Yep.
I'm gonna drop you off at grandma's on the way to Kid's.
I wanna stay with Kid.
Oh, you wanna stay with Kid? Well, you can't.
No, you know what? Maybe he could stay over tonight.
We can have like a sleepover. What do you think? Huh?
Yeah! You like that?
Your grandmother will have my hide. It ain't happening.
Come on! Look what you started.
Come on! Please! You gotta jump in there too?
Yeah, you're the dad. Come on.
Please. All right, all right. I tell you what.
You can stay, as long as we make it a dudes-only secret.
Works for me. You know dude secrets are very important in life, Trey.
Your buddies, they gotta look out for you.
Like, if you're in a movie and you start crying, you don't want people to know.
They won't tell anybody because they're your buddies.
They cover for you when you get in trouble...
...like when you have a gambling problem or an unexpected visit in the drunk tank.
I think he probably he gets the point. No, he's a very smart, intelligent kid.
It's amazing you're 8 years old.
I thought you'd be maybe like 9 or 10, or even 11.
I'm almost 9. Almost 9.
Dad, for my birthday can I have butterscotch jellybeans?
Ha-ha-ha. I don't know, bud.
You got a few years to wait on that one. Please?
...anyone in your life these days?
There's been a few over the years.
They stick around for a while, and then they see these kind of, uh...
...Oprah shows about relationships.
They tell me, "How come you don't talk about your feelings more?"
And I say, "Well, women are more verbal than men."
And they go, "Huh?" And "What?" Heh.
Then they leave.
Wow, listen to you.
"Women are more verbal than men."
Yeah, I read an article in Time magazine that's called:
"Women are More Verbal than Men."
You know, I know it was a long time ago, but...
...what happened? Really.
You were everything in my life.
Then Kid beat you.
And you were different.
And I was lost.
And everything started to fall apart.
Listen. This is ancient history.
I put it behind me. And I don't wanna get emotional about it.
I hope you've put it behind you. I just want to keep it calm.
But why him?
I mean, seriously, of all the people in the world?
I can't get it through my head.
I lay in bed at night.
I want to pound my head against... I dream about killing this guy.
Why him? He's the worst guy in the world.
Why? Okay. Okay.
Remember when you went to the Catskills to train?
You wanted to be alone. You wouldn't return my calls.
Six months turned into a year.
I know that now, but I was focused on winning the title.
I know that. I know that. But I was so in love with you.
And I even flew up to surprise you.
And then I saw you with that woman.
I didn't know her. Nothing happened. I had no idea who she was. She just showed up.
What did I know?
I just wanted to hurt you as much as I thought you had hurt me.
Kid. All right.
I think we've depressed the shit out of these pigeons.
No, don't say that. Right? Ha, ha.
It's the first time taking you alone. You nervous?
For you, maybe. If I told my dad you used a 12 pack of beer for a car seat...
...he will not be happy.
He should've given us one, but you know what? It'll be our secret.
And I'll drive slow. All right? Mm-hm.
So, what do you wanna do tonight, huh? Go to the movies?
If it's PG-13 or R. I don't do G.
Oh, wow. You're old for your years. You too.
We bigger than Pittsburgh, Kid!
- Well, what do you mean? What's it mean?
It means we sold too many seats. It means we need a bigger venue.
Dude, the UFC thing put us over the top.
How we gonna get a new venue? - What do you mean? It's already done!
The Consol Energy Center wants us! Eighteen thousand seats.
You messing with me? No, I ain't messing, you geriatric prick.
Pay-per-view and HBO too. I forgot that.
Let me tell you, if people buy this thing, do you understand this will set us straight?
A different type of money.
I'm talking about that Kardashian sex tape type money.
Don't mess with me, man. This is real, man.
This is money, baby!
Yeah, good. All good. Good.
I just wanted to let you know. Good.
Bye, man. Thanks.
I'm making it, baby!
I left my keys in the house. Goddamn it.
So since we established that I've never been that verbal...
...and even you told me I had a hard time communicating. Remember that?
Uh, yeah. You didn't have to say it like that. Heh.
Well, you were right.
And I worked at it.
I started making things from junk or objects...
...that I found at the yard. And I made this for you.
Oh, it's darling.
It's... A mouse, I guess.
No, it looks more like a dog. Yeah, it's a dog.
When did all this start? I don't know. A long time ago.
It's just that some people look at old rusty scrap metal and say, "Ah, that's just junk."
But I see something else.
That's beautiful! I love that.
Excuse me, Mr. Sharp.
You have a phone call from a Mr. Dante Slate.
Please tell him I'm busy.
I'm afraid he insisted that it was quote, "mad important," and that "shit just got real."
Maybe you should take it because it's mad important.
Shit just got real.
Am I missing something here? What?
Dante just told you you're playing the Consol Center.
Yeah? And you act more nervous than excited.
No, listen, I'm excited.
I don't drive a lot at night and I'm concentrating.
This is gonna be huge...
Unh. Ooh. Sally!
Are you okay? No, you're cut up here.
I never saw that guy. He came out of nowhere.
I swear to God, I never saw him. Jesus!
You guys all right?
You guys Okay?
Pay-per-view! Pay-per-view! Pay-per-view!
It's gonna be real. Can you believe this?
I'm not believing you brought this boy to the bar.
We're going to the movies.
We will. We're just gonna celebrate for a little bit, okay?
Keep an eye on him, Joey, okay?
Now you all have to chug!
Now we all have to chug!
Let's you and I get out of here.
Well, I can't, I got him, so...
He's fine. He's having fun.
Look. Time of his life.
We'll be quick about it.
What do you think? Will it leave a scar?
Well, it's running right along your hairline, so I doubt you'll notice a thing.
Unless I go bald. Which, of course, you won't.
You won't, I promise. But if you do...
...you're gonna be one smoking hot bald lady with a little scar that I'd love to hang outwith.
Okay. You folks have a good evening. Same.
Thank you. Look at the two of you.
Who would have thunk it?
Good to see you, Sally. Hi.
Strange how life works out, huh?
Oh, I'm flashing on to a stripper I knew once in Korea.
She never charged me. Not even for the most daring requests.
I keep hoping I'd run into her again someday.
Her and her ping-pong ball. Ooh. Hey.
I'm just saying, seeing the two of you together gives me hope.
Aw, that's sweet.
No, it's not. I think.
You look good. So how you feeling?
Oh, I'm fine. I'm fine. No big deal at all. Good.
Listen, can I talk to you for a minute?
So, what'd you want to talk about? Call it.
Come on, I wasn't paying attention.
When were you going to tell me you're blind in one eye?
How'd you know?
How'd I know? When that bum bitch-slapped you at the UFC fight.
A two-year-old could've seen that coming. When were you gonna tell me?
A crucible blew up at the yard a couple of years ago.
Detached the retina. I thought it would heal.
I figured I could get by.
"Get by"? Not only did you put Sally at risk...
...if he finds out he can hit you on the right, he can kill you.
Then I go to my left. I need to do this, Light.
Look, I know you're doing this for my sake and I appreciate it. Believe me.
It's too dangerous.
We gotta call off the fight.
I'm tired. Have you seen Kid?
No. You know, go over there and try his office.
You look exactly like Angelina Jolie.
You in here?
Holy shit! Trey!
What are you doing? You scared me!
Stop the car!
Why is your shirt off? Stop the car. Turn around and stop the car.
I can't reach the brakes, Grandpa! Don't call me Grandpa.
Get off the seat and press the brake. Sir! Go on! Get it!
Press the brake down there.
Go down and press the brake. Press the brake!
Ugh. Please don't tell my dad.
Oh, no, no. Never. This is our big dude secret. Never. Lifelong.
Oh, my goodness.
Lightning's right. Why is he right?
Why is he right and I'm wrong? You can't do this fight.
I'm in the best shape I've been in 20 years. You can't risk it. Why?
What have you wanted most for the last 30 years?
...or something else?
I turned my back, like, for a minute. That was it.
Turn your back in a bar? What'd you say to me? What did you say?
You said, "Dinner, maybe a movie." Then you took my son to a bar.
Dad, it's not his fault. Or the naked lady's.
One night I ask you to step up, like a father, and you can't keep it together.
Come on, BJ. Nobody got hurt. Everybody's okay. Come on.
"Everybody's okay"? Who's okay? I'm not okay.
Kid, all right? It's my son.
He means everything to me. A concept you would never understand.
Come on. No, no. Listen to me.
I'm gonna need you to stay away from us, okay?
You stay away from me. You stay away from my son. That's it.
Hey! Look at you. Still alive, defying the odds. Heh.
Ha, ha. Good one. Makes it a lot easier for me to say what I gotta say.
He's out. "Out"? What do you mean "out"?
Fight's off. See you. "See you"?
Hey! Wait, ain't no damn "see you."
Get back here, you wrinkled, Hobbit-faced son of a bitch.
I got a contract.
Razor is gonna fight. He's not gonna fight.
Take some of the money your father skimmed off Razor, get yourself a new guy.
Razor's not gonna fight.
You know what? Screw you and screw my dad.
You think you the only one that got ripped off? Huh?
Only thing my dad left me was a bad reputation, which is why I need this to happen.
I got a boy in private school, which means he has white friends...
...which means he wants white people shit.
He asked me for a bar mitzvah. Any idea how expensive that shit is?
I feel your pain and I'm sorry your father was such a prick, but Razor's not doing the fight.
Let me tell you something. I'll tell you what's...
I'm talking to you.
You not even gonna storm off in a fast fashion? You gonna walk slow?
For you to walk off makes me look...
Yo, I gotta take the car back?
Gone astray is the bluebird Here to stay is the new bird He sings a love song As we go along
Dante. This better be good news because I can't handle anything bad.
Where are you, Sally Rose? Hey.
I've got a really great idea. Okay, let's hear it.
How about this?
Ow. Heh, ow.
We go out of town. Yeah?
Let's get out of here. Okay. Let's do it. Where?
Do you remember how we always loved the Adirondacks and we never went?
Yeah. Millions of times, right?
Right. Millions of leaves.
And we regretted it, right? Yeah.
Well, okay, what? No more regrets?
You gonna quit again? Again, you're gonna quit?
Get out of here, Kid. No way. I don't think so.
No, no. I'm not gonna get out of here till you say you're gonna fight me.
Oh! What are you doing, you moron? Oh, will you look...? I can't believe this.
Get out of here, Kid. Is that why you quit? Because of her?
Because of her? Did she make you quit? Henry.
Hey, you made me wait 30 years to prove to the world I could kick your ass.
And that's what I'm gonna do, kick your ass You're gonna move on. Move on! What, move on?
Now that you got her, you want me to move on? And what do I got?
How do you live with yourself knowing that we tied?
There was no grudge match. You never beat me.
I was there! He kicked your ass!
He didn't kick my ass. He knew I wasn't ready for that fight. He didn't do shit.
I lost because I was out of shape.
The first one, I kicked his ass because I was in shape.
You're pathetic. "You're pathetic."
Go ahead, tell her! Tell her! Tell her!
He wasn't ready. Yeah, see?
You were afraid of that fight.
Not even a little. I was gonna knock you out!
Yeah? Well, let's do it now, then! Look at us. What are you talking about?
Yeah, look at us! We're not dead!
Everybody's laughing! The world's laughing! Right.
But we're not dead. In fact, this whole thing has made me feel more alive than ever!
You? What about you?
Huh? Don't let her get in the way. Leave her out of it.
Or what? You're not gonna fight? Leave her out of it. You and me.
Yeah! It's me and you! Right! You're a child.
What are you doing? Give him his balls back!
Let him fight me! Let him reclaim his manhood!
Please, I'm begging you. I'm begging you.
This is our last chance. Let's finish this once and for all. Come on. Come on!
It ain't gonna happen.
What are you doing?
I'm done. Come on.
Don't make a mess, or I have to clean it up.
Walter. Are you working here now? I didn't know that.
Yeah, man. You know, well, it's always been my life passion, to wait tables.
Well, a job's a job, right?
I am not complaining. Right.
I'm happy to have a job.
It would kill me if I couldn't bet on you, man.
I don't know about the betting. You know, things happen. You never know for sure.
Me and a bunch of guys from the plant, we're gonna be in the nosebleeds.
That's nice of you.
Don't let this high-paying job fool you. We could all use a win.
And that sorry-ass burger is on me. Ha-ha-ha.
Be cool, man. All right, man.
I got it.
Hey, Trey. Let's go! Breakfast is on the table.
I don't wanna be waiting on you. Five minutes.
You're BJ? Yeah, that's right. How you doing?
Mom, she's told me all about you.
You know, recently.
You look like her. Really?
No, not really.
Heh. I was gonna say. Come on inside.
Hey, Ma, Razor's here.
Can I get you something? Some juice?
No, I'm okay.
Listen, don't tell my morn I said this. If she knew, she'd stab me with a fork...
...but I think she's really glad you're around. She thinks you're a good guy.
I don't know, I just wanted you to know that.
Thank you. I like that. Good.
Excuse me. Heh. I'm gonna let you guys be.
Good kid. He's a good boy.
I'm gonna fight.
Don't let him use me to shame you into doing this.
I'm not. I'm not.
Not at all.
I made so many mistakes, Sally. I made so many.
Maybe I shouldn't have quit boxing 30 years ago.
Maybe I should've spent more time with you. I ignored you so much.
Maybe I could've forgiven you and helped raise your kid.
Maybe I could've done so many things that I didn't do.
I just don't wanna make any more mistakes. I'm done with that.
I let him take from me...
...the two things that mattered most:
You and boxing. I just shut it out.
I don't even have a TV.
Can you believe that?
Because I'm afraid I might flip to a fight by accident...
...and be embarrassed because I'm a fighter. I was born to be a fighter.
I had some talent. I did.
And I just walked away so early.
I love you.
Always have. Always will.
You're stuck with me, believe me.
But I've always regretted not beating Kid at his best.
No matter how hard you guys work, it won't be your best.
It's the best we got.
Then go kick his ass.
Well, since you put it like that.
Heh, he's a dead man.
I think I might be ready.
Yeah, you're ready. You're a one-eyed monster.
Okay, so this is my VIP section, I need to fill it with VIPs. Understand?
I want a Kardashian. Give me a big-tittied Playmate.
Whatever pussy actor that played a boxer in a movie, I want him.
Lou, you got anybody? My mother.
These are VIP. That woman can't see. I can put her up top. She can hear.
She's looking forward to this. I'm not gonna waste that time.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
BJ, you got a visitor.
They're yours, coach.
All right, listen up!
Look, I know you got every right to hate me. And I don't blame you.
But I need you now. I need you in my corner.
You're the best person for me.
I know I wasn't there for you and Trey.
I can't take that back. I can't fix it.
I brought him these.
Butterscotch jellybeans. Heh.
Figure he's old enough now.
Yeah, you're really not very good at this. No, I'm not.
But I'm trying, you know.
And I brought this too.
I collected these over the years. Just so you know the whole story.
Hello again, everybody. I'm Jim Lampley and welcome to Pittsburgh...
...where a raucous sold-out crowd has assembled for this unique grudge match.
Now, you stand to the left and you keep him in your vision.
I will. Don't worry. I am worried.
I love you like a son, but I'm telling you right now:
If you're taking a beating, I'm throwing this in.
Don't do that. I'm gonna. I'm not asking.
I am telling you.
I'll also tell you something else.
If you beat this mug, there's gonna be a new television in the living room.
I don't want one.
Not for you. For me.
I gotta tell you. It's probably the shittiest wrap job I ever seen.
Thought maybe you could use a little help today, huh?
Yeah, I could. Sure.
Remember what I taught you. Don't mess this up.
Just sit back and relax. I'm doing it perfect.
You've got fragile hands. You're a stubborn son of a bitch.
Where do you think I got it from? Ha-ha-ha.
Guys, it's time. Showtime.
Be careful. Let's go! You ain't getting any younger!
All right. All right, we'll be right there.
Breathe for me.
Breathe, that's it.
Okay. That's it.
You okay? Yeah.
You think I still got it?
I think you still got it.
Hey, somehow, you never lost it. All right?
Let's go to work.
Let's do this.
I guess the city of Pittsburgh missed all the fanfare about what a joke this fight is.
This is some crowd. This could be good.
Going without the scooter?
You kidding me?
With all that hot talent out there, I can land me some snapper tonight.
I just threw up in my mouth.
And here comes Billy "The Kid" McDonnen.
McDonnen, if you're dusting off your history book, was 41-1 in his 12-year career.
The one loss was against Sharp.
That's the Kid!
And now, Razor Sharp makes his way into the arena.
It's not very often we've seen a crowd in one city...
...so evenly divided, Jim.
In his nine-year career, Sharp had 33 professional wins and only 1 loss.
And we all know who that was to.
Welcome to this evening's very special main event.
Ladies and gentleman...
...let's get ready to rumble!
Introducing first, fighting out of the blue corner...
...wearing his trademark kelly-green trunks...
...and weighing in at 175 pounds, from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania...
"Fighting out of the Kid McDonnen Auto Mall...
...where zero percent financing will knock you out."
Open Sundays! Oh, come on, man.
The former Light Heavyweight Champion of the world...
...Billy "The Kid" McDonnen!
And fighting out of the red corner...
...wearing white with black...
...weighing in at 178 pounds...
...also from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania...
...former Light Heavyweight World Champion...
...Henry "Razor" Sharp!
All right, boxers out.
Boxer out, one second.
All right, gentlemen. You had my detailed instructions.
I expect you to obey my commands at all times.
Protect yourself at all times.
Are there any questions?
Gutsy move going without a bra.
I've got a surprise for you when you get home. I took a shit on your porch.
We are live, guys. We are live right now. Touch them up.
Is this about me and you? Or her?
Me and you.
Oh, thank God. I thought he was gonna say it was about the shit.
And here we go.
We can expect both men to feel each other out at this point.
Sharp not looking very Sharp at the moment.
Well, that's no surprise after a 30-year layoff.
And there's a wild hook by Billy "The Kid" that misses by a mile.
Don't load up, Pop! Don't load up!
Lots of rust on both sides.
- What do you think of this so far? It's not pretty at all.
Let's go, let's go. Let's start the fight.
Now Sharp stepping forward a little more assertively behind that jab.
McDonnen says, "Come on."
Come on, Kid! Roll and throw.
Sharp jabbing, then backing up.
That's it! - Razor was hurt by that punch!
Dear God. - And, boom, there it is.
Kid's famous left hook finally showed up. - Might've hurt Razor.
Razor appears cut above his right eye. - Razor is cut.
That was a hard right hand immediately after the bell.
That will lead to a point deduction. That can cost the Kid a round.
Give him some water.
You're doing real good, you pussy. That's not helping.
I'm 800 years old, I say what I want.
Can you stop the bleeding? For a while.
What are you doing, hitting him after the bell?
You're gonna get us thrown out. I need you to be smart.
All right? Relax.
He's gonna figure you out. Either way, I'm taking him out.
Do it quick. Right.
And now round two is about to get underway.
Have to give round one to Sharp after that foul.
Roll and throw, Kid!
And Razor Sharp will waste no time pressing his advantage.
Come on, Kid. Move that head.
Razor is unrelenting. Pounding away.
All right! All right! Roll and throw!
Razor continues to unload.
Down goes Kid on a massive left hand. - Oh, yes.
Referee Pat Russell will pick up the count.
You got him! You got him! Now finish him!
The Kid is taking a ton of punishment...
...but that's always been a part of his game.
- He's stronger than he looks. I'm okay, I'm okay.
He's got Kid in trouble.
- Oh, got him. Down he goes!
Get over there! Two!
He must just be thinking: "Why in the hell did I do this?"
Roll and throw! Do it now!
You have got to start slipping punches and letting your hands go. Roll and throw.
You hear me? Roll and throw. Seven! You getting up?
Eight! Walk to me.
You okay, Kid?
Show me something. Box!
Get out of the corner! It's a trap! Get out of the corner!
Now! Right now!
Attaway, Kid! Goddamn it!
Now, let your hands go! That's it!
Bell! Time! - No boxing here.
This is an all-out war.
Let's go, baby!
Attaboy! Attaboy! Way to work!
Listen, he's got you figured out.
So what? So I'm gonna call the fight.
He's slipping. Now you're fighting smart. Keep that pressure on him.
Do not let up. Do not let up.
You want to get your head bashed in? Don't worry about it.
I'm watching that. It's all right.
He's going down. He's a sucker for the left.
Stay on him. Breathe for me. That's it.
I have to give that round to Kid.
That round dominated by Sharp.
It's been a hellacious display of courage by both fighters.
Kid has Razor in trouble.
That's it! Bell!
I'm taking you out.
Are you stupid? Calm him down!
He's done. Best man won. No, you're beating a guy with one eye.
That's all. What do you mean?
Your eye's almost swollen shut.
Didn't work anyway. At least you don't have to cut me.
You don't listen to a thing I say, do you? Not this time. He's hurting too. He is.
Sharp's right eye is badly swollen...
...fighting half blind.
Every time you come from the left, you knock the snot out of him. He can't see it.
That's bullshit. It's not bullshit.
How do you know? Mom told me.
What do you think? She made it up? That's the way it is.
It don't matter. I'm kicking his ass.
What are you gonna do that for? You attack his blind eye.
Everyone's gonna say you didn't beat him at his best.
You're not gonna be able to sleep at night!
Screw that. I'm taking what's coming to me.
Kid, do this right. Stand in front where he can see you!
Go knock him out! Now, hurry up! I gotta pee.
Final round! Too close to call!
So many times in a three-fight rivalry...
...the rubber match is the best.
- Kid on the attack. No!
What a pounding!
Sharp is in trouble.
Razor backpedals woozily.
And down goes Razor.
- Sharp was hurt by that punch. It's your fight!
You wanna keep going?
Yeah. You bet your ass.
Hey, you can't do that!
I just did. Come on.
Kid lifted Razor off the canvas.
What's he doing?
Unbelievable! In all my years of covering boxing, I've never seen it.
I told him to do that! Oh!
That's my idea! I told him to do that!
Now, Pat Russell is gonna confer with the judges.
Give me those gloves.
And now the ref, in good sportsmanship, is gonna wave them on.
I'm right in front of you. No excuses.
They touch gloves one last time.
Now Kid has stopped ducking and going to Sharp's left.
He's playing right into Sharp's strength. Almost like he's challenging him.
Nail him! Now!
That's it! - Kid attacking with the left hook!
Sharp is in trouble.
The fighters exchange a flurry. Brutal stuff. Finally, toe-to-toe!
Fifteen seconds left.
Oh, there's a massive right hand by Razor...
...and Kid is on the canvas. He is down!
Kid is not getting up.
This fight could be over!
Hey, Kid. No mas?
Razor pulls Kid up before the count of 10.
Oh, for God's sakes.
I might actually cry now.
Oh, shit, I'm cry... It's coming down a little bit.
I didn't need your help. Right.
Are you okay, Kid?
I'm dying, but I've never felt better.
Heh. Hey, you did the right thing.
I love you, Dad.
Well, I'll never call you a pussy again.
Stupid, that's what I'll call you. Heh.
I am so proud of you! Oh, yeah.
I told you it'd be okay.
Ladies and gentlemen, we go to the scorecards.
Judge Alfredo Padillo scores it 92-91 for Sharp.
Judge James Caballa scores it 90 to 89...
And Judge Marco Rosario scores it...
...91 to 89...
...to the winner by split decision...
...Henry "Razor" Sharp!
Sorry you lost, Kid.
No. He didn't lose nothing.
Trey, call me Grandpa.
Guess it was a mistake, picking me up.
No, I wanted you at your best.
Well, you got it.
Thanks for the shot. Anytime.
But I still hate you.
I hate you too.
Wanna do this again?
Definitely not. You sure?
Who paid off those judges? Light!
What? Light! We won.
Who did? What?
We won? Get the hell out of here! Heh, no.
Goddamn hearing aid. Yeah.
See? This is why I don't do TV. I'm going to Sally's.
Sit down. There's gonna be a big finish.
I wanna know if you're with me Can't stand stickin' around Hey!
Now I wish I was blind in both eyes. Oh, wow.
He has a certain elegance, doesn't he? Yeah, a little bit. A little bit.
I guarantee you, he's gonna get some snapper tonight.
Dude, you're a pervert. Like, it goes right to sex with you. I'm done.
Give me a towel so I can get this vinegar off my feet. It's strong!
Why is it that strong?
It might be bad. I think the vinegar might be bad.
Listen. If you thought Grudgement Day was big, then this is gonna be huge.
They're talking Wembley Stadium for the rematch. Ninety thousand people.
I can get you seven figures, maybe eight.
Bottom line is I can get you guys paid. What do you say?
I'm in. That's what I'm talking about.
What about you, Evander? No.
Come on, Evander! So the man went a little batshit and bit your ear off.
It's not like he liked the way you tasted. Taste like ass.
Did you hear? You didn't taste good.
Mike, do me a favor? Tell him you're sorry.
I'm sorry. Mike, like you mean it.
Sorry. I felt that.
Come on, Evander. What do you say? No.
I get you one month at the Playboy Mansion. No.
Okay, final offer. I'll throw in a Bentley. No.
I'll get you a part in Hangover IV. I'm listening.
You son of a bitch. Now hold on!
Guard your ears.