I thought I'd say good-bye.
Gentlemen, again, all the best. Take good care.
Good luck and good-bye.
It's been fun.
Here you go, sir. Ah.
Thank you. You're welcome.
I'm here to see the director of the Secret Service. MAN: Okay, thanks.
Is there any place where I could put my bags?
Yeah, take them right through there.
Thank you. Okay.
MAN: Congratulations, Doug. You've done a terrific job on a tough detail.
Thank you, sir. It wasn't that tough actually.
Summersville, Ohio, is not exactly the center of the universe, but it's a nice, quiet, little place.
Guarding Mrs. Carlisle did give me the time to pick up more hours towards my master's. Oh, great.
Now I am hoping for a little more active assignment, maybe back in the White House.
Uh-huh. Or a criminal assignment out of New York or LA.
Sure. Why don't we sit over here.
Yes, sir? Can we have some coffee, please?
Certainly. Just a moment. Thanks.
How is she these days? What's she like?
Well, there's the public person who's, you know, adored.
Then there's the private person who can, at times, be pretty difficult to deal with if you don't know how to handle the situation.
And you did. As well as anybody, I suppose.
I don't envy my replacement, I'll tell you that.
On the other hand, I was in her husband's White House, and I saw her in better times.
She has her good days and her bad days now.
I guess you could say she's several different personalities in one, like many people.
One of her personalities called the White House last night and asked the president if he could arrange for you to stay on with her for another tour.
I can't go back there.
I can't do three more years there.
I can't do three more minutes there.
It's-- It's... I mean, it's...
The worst assignment there is in the service.
Then we've got a problem, because the president is asking you to return to Mrs. Carlisle as a personal favor to him.
What if I say no?
I'll call him and tell him, um, you said no.
Why don't you take a moment to think it over? I'll check on the coffee.
NEWSCASTER: In New Jersey, ice kept three dolphins trapped in an inland waterway Wednesday, frustrating rescuers efforts to free the animals...
MAN: Who's got the Columbus paper?
Just checking my horoscope.
Frederick, I've told you a thousand times, she can tell if someone's read it before her. Sorry.
(NEWSCASTER CONTINUES CHATTERING)
Morning, Doug. What are you doing here? Morning.
Everything okay in Washington, Doug? Yeah.
Just back to pick up your accoutrement?
Speak English, Fred.
Just back to pick up your shit?
No smoking, Earl.
Why can't I smoke? She never comes down here.
Doesn't matter. It's a rule.
Frankly, Douglas, I am shocked to see you back here. DOUG: Are ya?
FREDERICK: I thought you'd be guarding Jackie O. by now, standing outside the Russian Tea Room for hours in the freezing snow, when she was inside having one of those little cakes and chatting to her friends.
I'll do it this morning, Fred. Thank you.
MRS. CARLISLE: Come in.
You seem to have dropped some of my things on the floor.
Would you be kind enough to pick them up for me? Yes, ma'am.
That's a good boy.
Do I still have any influence in that evil, little town or have they forgotten me?
Ma'am, with all due respect, why me?
Why? Because I like you.
My feelings are hurt that anyone would be that anxious to get away from me.
I certainly don't mean to hurt your feelings, Mrs. Carlisle, but my assignment here is finished and I'd like to get back to Washington.
Washington is a dead-end town, Douglas, career-wise, unless you're there purely to make money, which I'm sure you wouldn't be.
I'd like to go back, Mrs. Carlisle.
I'm sorry, but I need you here. Mrs. Carlisle?
I'd just like you to know that I came back of my own free will.
As an S.A.I.C, I could have refused this assignment, but I didn't.
S.A.I.C.? What is that?
Ma'am, you know very well what that is.
No, I don't. Yes, you do, ma'am.
Don't tell me what I know and what I don't know. That is not your place.
What is a saic?
S.A.I.C. stands for Special Agent In Charge.
Oh, I see, I see. A special agent, are we? And in charge, no less.
My, my, my, my, my.
You rarely meet someone who's a secret agent who's also in charge.
Hmm? And why is he in charge?
Because he's so doggone special.
And you did not come back here of your own free will.
If you had a free will, you'd be miles from here.
I have some very exciting news for you.
I have an inoperable brain tumor.
I have bought you and your men a scud missile launcher.
We are going to the opera in Columbus. Which of those do you think is true?
I would like to drive to Columbus a week from Friday.
Yes, ma'am. May I say, it is good to see you getting out again.
Is it? Yes, ma'am.
Thank you, Douglas. That's very patronizing of you.
I suppose you couldn't care less about opera.
No, ma'am. I couldn't. Of course not.
You're a typical, red-blooded American male.
You'd probably rather watch reruns of Mister E on television, now wouldn't you, Doug?
If you had to choose between opera and Mister Ed?
I'd choose Mister Ed. In a second.
Oh, you're so honest. Yes, ma'am. I try to be.
Good for you, Agent Dougie.
Now put my rosebud on the tray and get out.
As you can see, I'm extremely busy.
I expect him any minute. I'll tell him as soon as he comes in. All right.
Hi. She wants to see you. Hi.
Oh, come on. I was just up there!
She called the president to demand I pull another tour. How do you like that shit?
Why? DOUG: Because she likes me.
(LAUGHS) Oh, you don't think that's the reason?
I don't know. Who knows with her?
She didn't say anything about liking me, did she?
It doesn't have anything to do with like.
She doesn't want a new guy coming in here, shaking things up, trying to get things running right.
She's got me broken in. She'll never let me go.
Doug. Now my master calls again.
Check this out! JENNINGS ON TV: We now go to Helen Grace.
GRACE: Yes, Peter, in the city of Agua Dulce, when automatic weapon fire broke out shortly after 2:30 local time, the president was immediately hustled from the scene and secret service...
See those special tactics guys?
They're everywhere. Yeah, yeah.
...applauded the American leader repeatedly.
JENNINGS: The men with the guns, are they United States Secret Service agents?
BARBARA: Doug, she says it's important.
(SIGHS) Tell her I'm busy. I'll be there in 15 minutes.
He'll be there in 15 minutes.
(LINE DISCONNECTS ABRUPTLY)
Mrs. Carlisle? You should go up.
Does she want chocolate? Some goddamn fruit drink?
Are we a bunch of waiters? We want to be down there!
I got it!
I can't do three more years of this.
I told you never to bring a gun in this room.
Now, get it out. Yes, ma'am.
How dare you bring a gun in here!
Sorry, Mrs. Carlisle. That's all right, Joseph.
Mrs. Carlisle, that emergency alarm is to be used only...
It's mine and I will use it any time I see fit.
I think it bothers the neighbors. Sorry.
What is it you want, ma'am?
I want to play golf.
Golf. It's a game.
My husband and I used to play it. Do you remember that?
Mrs. Carlisle, it's 38 degrees outside.
Thank you, Tom. Could you have the car ready in half an hour?
Yes, ma'am. Thank you.
Now, go on, go on. Shoo, shoo.
MRS. CARLISLE: Kimberly!
Would you mind not standing there?
No, not there. Go over there where I can see where you are.
Didn't you guard Ford or Agnew or those people? No, ma'am.
All they ever did was play golf. Yes, ma'am.
Which was a real blessing for the country. Yes, ma'am.
No, I was too young.
I was too young to serve Ford or Agnew.
Get back in the cart! Get in the cart!
What is this all about?
She sits up in her room for five years, and now we've got golf.
And opera. And opera.
What's next? Synchronized swimming.
Why are you making noise? We're trying to putt.
Sorry, ma'am. Sorry, ma'am.
Why don't you at least make yourselves useful?
One of you come and hold the pin.
Would you be kind enough to get my first ball, please, Doug?
I'm a Secret Service Agent, Mrs. Carlisle, not a caddie.
You want that ball, I suggest you go get it yourself.
Since you've insisted on me staying here, I think you should know I intend to do my job by the book.
Which means we don't run errands, we don't make snacks, and we don't check our guns at the door.
Now if you don't like any of this, I suggest you call Washington and get yourself a new man.
I'd be very careful if I were you, agent.
You're way out of your depth.
Let's switch. I've got to go up to the clubhouse.
Sure thing, Doug.
DOUG: I told her.
No more calling us "gofers with guns."
No more snacks in the middle of the night.
No more checking our weapons outside your bedroom door.
You said that? Mmm-hmm.
In so many words.
What I basically said was from now on we go by the book.
And she stood for this? She didn't say a thing.
Oh, yeah. She tells me to go find her ball.
I said I'm not a caddie, I'm a Secret Service agent.
You want that ball, you go find it yourself. Come on.
Are you crazy? No. Let me tell you why.
WOMAN: Doug, telephone.
Hello. OPERATOR: Mr. Chesnic?
Yes. Please hold for the president.
PRESIDENT: Hello? Uh, uh, hello.
That you, Doug? Uh, yes, sir!
How are ya? I'm-- I'm fine. And you?
Well, I got, I got this call from Tess Carlisle and, um, I know this sounds a little crazy, but did you tear up some flowers of hers?
Doug, you there? Uh-huh. Yes, sir.
Something about a bunch of roses.
Well, uh, no, no, no, no, it wasn't, it wasn't a bunch, sir.
Uh-huh. Well, how many of them were there? Just one, sir.
I see. And, uh, and you tore it up, did you?
No, sir, I didn't tear it up. What did you do?
I merely removed the bud. From her flower?
Okay, let's get past that for a second.
As you know, I was her husband's vice president. Yes, sir.
I owe a lot to the Carlisles. She seconded my nomination.
So, why don't we all try to get along better there in Ohio?
Yes, sir. Absolutely.
I don't get it myself. One day she calls me, says she can't live without you, next day she's calling almost in tears.
Maybe you two have some kind of sicko thing going on. No, sir! I can tell you...
I'll tell you this, Doug. Any more phone calls from her, and you'll be guarding my dog.
You understand what I'm saying? Yes, sir.
'Cause I probably got the most important job in the world. Yes, sir.
And I feel like a goddamn idiot having to call you about a goddamn flower!
You know what I mean, Doug? Yes, sir, I certainly do.
So, you gonna help me out on this one? Yes, you can count on it.
Thanks, Doug, that's what I wanted to hear.
You have yourself a nice evening, son. Yes, sir.
RECORDED VOICE: If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator.
(LIP-SYNCHING TO OPERA MUSIC)
(OPERA MUSIC CONTINUES)
Hey, Mrs. Carlisle, I got your laundry and a Whopper.
Who's this opera by again?
Oh, that's right.
I saw a movie about him. The guy was a complete jerk.
At the end of the movie, some guy comes to see him wearing a party mask.
It was just a mask, right? But it upsets Mozart so much that he drops over dead just like that.
Now what the hell kind of guy is that? I don't know, Lee.
Here. Don't shoot yourself. Very funny.
This way, ma'am.
Kill the engine.
Start the engine.
Earl. Yes, ma'am?
Do you like your job? Yes, ma'am, a lot.
Mrs. Carlisle, the protectee is never allowed to sit directly behind the driver.
That's a regulation. Nobody does it, not the president, not anybody.
The sun will be on that side, and I do not want the sun.
Perhaps you could sit on the proper side but slightly then to the middle.
Ma'am, excuse me, but we are not leaving this house until you are seated properly with your seat belt firmly fastened.
Jesus Christ, let her sit on the hood if she wants to!
Move it out, Earl.
Oh, these family outings are always so stressful.
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
(LIP-SYNCHING) ♪ Throw my head back and shout
♪ Come on now, shout
♪ Don't forget to say you will
♪ Don't forget to say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
♪ Say you will
♪ Say it right now, baby, say you will
♪ Come on, come on, say you will
♪ Say that you, say you will ♪
(CLASSICAL MUSIC CONTINUES)
I have never been so embarrassed in my life.
I want to go home. I don't want to go to the hotel, and I will never return to Columbus again.
Yes, ma'am. For what it's worth, I was just trying to help.
Your help is most precisely what I do not want. When will you people get that?
Back up, please. No autographs right now. WOMAN 1: So good to see you.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Oh, thank you.
MAN: Tess, hi. Welcome to Columbus.
WOMAN 2: I really do appreciate that you're here. Thank you so much.
What is this? I just wanted her autograph.
Write me at this address and I'll see that you get an autographed picture.
Oh, a picture, how wonderful. A picture.
Thank you so very much. Very, very nice and wonderful.
I hope you enjoyed the opera as much as I did.
I've changed my mind. We'll be staying in Columbus tonight. Yes, ma'am.
WOMAN 3: Give 'em hell, Tess!
TOM: What do you care where she sits in the damn car?
She's supposed to be where the driver and I can both see her. Come on, Tommy.
Hell, I know that. That's not what I'm asking. This detail's a cupcake.
It may be the most boring detail in the service, but it's still a cupcake.
So why you gonna risk your career on crap like that?
Because it's not crap. It's my job.
I'm either gonna do it right, take pride in it, or I'm gonna find something else to do.
Okay, you're right. I can't argue. But, Doug, I wouldn't piss her off.
A couple more phone calls to the White House and you'll be...
Guarding the president's dog.
Bullshit. You'll be gone.
You try to get a job out there now.
Know what they want in private security?
They want guys that can bench-press 9,000 pounds.
This is a good deal. You've let it get personal.
It's not personal.
'Course it is. She doesn't even know the rest of us are alive.
How is she? Oh, she's fine, but, uh...
Get rid of those. Okay.
Okay, what about Ali-Tyson?
Ali TKO. Eighth round, in his prime.
What about Mrs. Carlisle and Nancy Reagan? Yeah. In their prime?
Mrs. Carlisle would knock Nancy out in the sixth or seventh round.
Wouldn't go the distance? No, different fighters.
Nancy doesn't have the big-time punch.
She throws these cutting left jabs and combinations.
Always in your face. Unrelenting.
(IMITATING PUNCHING SOUND)
Mrs. Carlisle... She's a floater, a dancer.
Totally unpredictable. Just when you think you got her where you want her, bam! Out of nowhere comes her right hand and Nancy's on queer street.
End of fight. I think you're right about that.
I know I'm right. I know. That's why I asked you.
Ralph, get me a Baby Ruth, would you, please?
Yes, ma'am. Thank you.
Earl, go. Mrs. Carlisle, I can't.
Who got you this job? Did they, or did I?
Doug! Doug! She took off!
I want you to pull over right now. You hear me, goddamn it?
I'm sorry, Doug. It's not your fault. It's my fault, not your fault.
Should have seen it coming. Should have seen it.
Uh-huh. Just hold on a minute, Agent Chesnic.
I'm gonna put you on the speaker.
Is there someone else in the room?
Oh, no, no.
I just want to practice my putting while we're talking.
What can I do for you? DOUG: Would you please put out an all-points for Mrs. Carlisle's automobile?
It's a '92 Lincoln, Ohio plates, kilo-hotel-Oscar 3-6-2.
When last seen, it was heading east on the Chester exit of I-71.
Just hold everything. Have I got this right?
Have you Secret Service boys gone and lost the president's wife again?
I don't believe there's any cause for concern here.
She's with her driver. She's perfectly safe, but proper procedure requires us to... To notify you.
Of course, it does. We'll get on this right now.
Agent Chesnic, uh...
Mrs. Carlisle is pretty slippery, isn't she?
I mean, for a senior citizen.
(POLICE RADIO CHATTERING)
Let's have a little stroll around the yard...
Before we go in there and talk to him. Okay?
I want you to go in there and tell Earl to meet me in the office.
All right. Thank you.
Hey, hey, everybody's mad at me, right?
What am I supposed to do? I'm just the driver, you know?
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Hey, just a second!
You're through, you know that?
No, I don't know that. You don't know that?
No, I don't know that. Why don't you know that, you little tick?
Because she assured me that I wouldn't be fired!
In fact, I would have been fired if I hadn't, if I hadn't done it.
Look, look, look!
You guys come and go, but I live here, and I keep my job because of her.
You think I don't try to talk her out of these crazy things but I got no choice!
You're fired, Earl. Trust me.
Did you enjoy yourself today?
Don't take that tone with me, Douglas.
Look, this is just stupid, okay?
The part where I have to run away like a fugitive in order to have one hour's worth of privacy, or the part where I am spoken to like a child?
I fired Earl. This has happened twice now.
He is a driver in the employ of the Secret Service.
I can't do anything about the cook or the nurse. No, they work for you.
But this guy works for us, and he's gone!
He works for you because I told you people to hire him.
He's my chauffeur, and he's staying!
You've got to let me leave this detail, Mrs. Carlisle. I can't do my job effectively.
Whatever you like. You can go anytime you please.
Thank you. You're welcome.
Good-bye, Mrs. Carlisle. Good-bye.
If I promise never to run away again, will that do?
Ma'am, I am truly sorry, but I...
For God's sake, Doug, I only went for a little drive.
It was a crazy thing to do.
Yes, crazy, exactly. You should try it sometime, Douglas.
You should try going crazy yourself.
You should get a date. You should have a martini.
You should drive with the top down.
You should, better yet, give a tired, old widow a break.
I am very sorry, Mrs. Carlisle, but the regulations...
Oh, well, fine. Go.
Whatever you want to do. Just leave.
One less gunman lounging around my house. Take the whole bunch with you.
We are not gunmen, Mrs. Carlisle.
And since I am leaving for sure this time, I'd like to take this opportunity to remind you that you can refuse Secret Service protection anytime you want.
But I believe you already know that.
MRS. CARLISLE: That's brilliant, Doug.
You think they'd really let me get away with that?
I don't know why not. Other people have done it. But I think you like it.
I think you like having seven men and no women agents, I notice, at your beck and call day and night!
Get a date.
How dare you.
Good-bye, Mrs. Carlisle. Get out!
Get out of my house this instant!
And stay out!
OPERATOR: This is Air Force One calling.
Stand by for the president.
PRESIDENT: Doug? How are ya? Yes, sir?
I'm fine, sir. How are you?
I'm not too good. I'm on my way to London.
I should be working on a speech for the common market.
Instead, I'm having a goddamn Tess Carlisle problem! What's that about, Doug?
Do you know she has refused Secret Service protection?
Where the hell did she get an idea like that?
This woman is a national treasure.
Maybe you and I know what a pain in the butt she is, but we don't count.
It's what the goddamn voters think! That's what counts!
And they want this woman looked after. You understand? Yes, sir.
What if some lunatic breaks into her house and cuts her goddamn throat?
How much doo-doo do you think I'd catch if that happened on my watch?
Yes, sir. Let me make it real clear.
Get over to her house and straighten this out.
I'm counting on you and so is the country.
You hear me? Yes, sir. I'll get on it right away.
Okay, that's what I wanted to hear. Thanks a lot, buddy.
Hey, the next time you're in town, come over to the White House for dinner.
Yes, sir. I'd be honored. I'll be there. Thank you.
All right. Have a nice day, pal. Yes, sir, I will.
She told us to leave and take the flag with us.
I had to load the weapons in the station wagon.
(INTERCOM BEEPS) Jimmy?
Hello. That you, Doug?
DOUG: Yeah, I want you to open the gate.
No way, Doug.
Come on, Jimmy, let me in there.
I'm acting on the authority of the president of the United States.
JIMMY: So what, Doug? We got Mrs. Carlisle in here.
Doug, this is Frederick. I want you to listen closely.
Jimmy and I are holding Mrs. Carlisle hostage, and here is what we want.
FREDERICK: We want $100 in unmarked bills, and a helicopter, matching sports coats, and a videocassette of the movie Gigi.
Are you listening to me, Doug?
Hello, Earl. FREDERICK: Doug? Can you hear me, Doug?
Earl, do me a favor. Can you talk to Mrs. Carlisle?
You owe me an apology.
Yeah, probably. Can you talk to her?
She isn't seeing anyone. Okay. Try to get her to let me in.
If she wants to go out, go shopping, anything, please let me know.
Okay. Thank you.
Okay, Barbara, I guess you might as well go home.
You guys go home, too, get some sleep.
All right, the three of us will take perimeter positions.
Lee, you take Maple. Ralph, go around back. We'll take our cars.
I'll sit out front. Let's load this stuff up.
This is nuts.
You got a better idea?
The gate's opening. Do you read me?
LEE: Yeah, we got you. RALPH: Copy that.
Okay, guys, we're rolling. She's in the Town Car heading west.
Earl, pull over.
What are you doing?
Mrs. Carlisle, we need to talk.
I took your advice. I did what you wanted.
Now leave me alone. Drive, Earl.
MRS. CARLISLE: Stay with the car, please. EARL: Yes, ma'am.
DOUG: Mrs. Carlisle, I was just on the phone to the president.
Really? Yes, ma'am, and he said that you should... Get away from me.
DOUG: Yes, ma'am.
MRS. CARLISLE: Yes?
Thank you. Barry.
RALPH ON ANSWERING MACHINE: Doug, this is Ralph. I'm going off duty now.
She hasn't been out of the house all day.
Frederick said that Mrs. Carlisle's son is flying in tomorrow.
That's about it from here. Later.
(ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS)
Barry! Oh, hello, my darling!
Hi, Mama! Oh, goodness me!
Oh, you look so wonderful. I missed you.
You bring in his luggage. He's okay.
He'll get the luggage. Come, come, come, come. Tell me all about your life.
This thing is the best project that I've seen in years, of its nature.
What we're talking about is 125 detached and semi-detached retirement villas starting from a $125,000 Venice studio layout, going all the way up to the Tuscany four-bedroom plan, which starts at 799.
And at least half of the villas have a view of the nine-hole golf course, designed by Taylor Frye.
The whole project's primo, Mom.
I mean, you know, it's first class the whole way.
The only problem, and I don't really think of it as a problem, I think of it more like an opportunity, you know what I mean?
But some of the management at Topland Properties got burned in the S&L mess that went down a couple of years ago.
So what we're looking to do now is to find a way of showing people that we are rock solid.
One of the ways of doing that is to get people of your stature to endorse the project.
All we would need would be a letter, just something to use just in the brochure, saying that you think the project's a good one for older people looking for a sun and recreation-type place.
Only downside of the whole thing is the bank's being so tightfisted in Phoenix
'cause they made all those stupid loans.
We have got to show people that they can trust the Hacienda Palms concept down the line.
I said no.
♪ Joy to the world, the Lord is come
♪ Let earth receive her King
♪ Let every heart prepare Him room
♪ And heaven and nature sing and heaven and nature sing
♪ And heaven and heaven and... ♪
NEWSCASTER 1: What we're watching now is exactly the kind of mandate President Carlisle wanted from this convention.
This is, for all intents and purposes, a coronation rather than a nomination.
Jim Carlisle's going to get anything and everything he wants from the delegates who seem ready to follow him into the...
NEWSCASTER 2: ...their stay at their home in Summersville.
The two met at nearby Denison College and fell in love as undergraduates.
Interestingly enough, Tess Carlisle was the class president and Jim Carlisle was the lazy, lacrosse-playing student with the C average.
Later in the Rose Garden, the president was able to put aside his congressional woes by welcoming these award-winning girl scouts to the White House.
These young ladies come from...
NEWSCASTER 3: Special bulletin.
The president suffered a massive heart attack...
NEWSCASTER 4: We are now looking at the joint chiefs of staff and, of course, in the front row, there's the president's daughter Theresa, her husband.
They have two children and live in New York City.
And on the other side of Mrs. Carlisle, the president's son, Barry, now a very successful businessman in the state of Arizona.
Very sad, sad day.
Very sad, sad day.
(TURNS TV OFF)
(KNOCKING) Oh, God! Damn! Ow!
You scared me to death! You sneaked up on me!
I did no such thing! Yes, you did!
I did not! Where'd you come from?
I came from that gate on the side, and I intend to go back the same way!
Mrs. Carlisle, wait, please. Mrs. Carlisle...
Look, I was wrong.
About a lot of things. Yes, about a lot of things.
But I was really wrong about you refusing protection.
No, that's the one thing you were right about.
Do you suppose the average taxpayer has any idea how much money is being spent to guard old political has-beens and their wives? No, ma'am, I don't.
My God, it's an outrage.
The cars and the manpower. It just makes me sick. Yes. Yes.
Listen, Mrs. Carlisle... Just like Washington to spend money like that.
Just like Washington! Can we please just talk for one second?
About what, Douglas? About the detail coming back in.
You came out here to ask me something. What was that about?
I was wondering if you would like to have a cup of coffee.
Coffee keeps me awake, Doug. Even decaf.
I'd like to have a drink.
I--I take a drink occasionally, not often.
Did you know that? No, ma'am.
Well, I do.
If I located a bottle, would you join me in a highball?
Oh, you're such a wild and crazy thing.
Well, my daughter and I barely speak.
Unfortunately, I don't have a much-improved relationship with my son.
I don't blame them. The children got screwed.
We got the governor's mansion, and the senate, the White House.
And they got this very peculiar childhood.
I say "we."
Jim and I were truly partners.
You must have known in the White House how much he really depended on me, didn't you?
Yes, ma'am. That was pretty common knowledge.
You must have known about my husband's occasional indiscretions.
Didn't think I knew about it, did ya?
Well, did you?
Nobody thought I knew about it, did they?
Well... Let's just keep that our little secret.
Yes, ma'am. You can count on me.
I know that.
Douglas, we're getting out of here.
MRS. CARLISLE: I've talked about myself enough for one night.
Let's talk about you. Me?
Oh, well, there's nothing much to say, ma'am.
Come on, Douglas, of course there is.
For instance, what's it like guarding that crazy, old bitch, Tess Carlisle?
Mrs. Carlisle, please. It must get pretty screwy over there, right?
Woman lives like a hermit, likes to play golf in a snowstorm.
Just the rudimentary facts. Family. Start there.
My father is a retired cop.
My mother was a millinery buyer for a small department store.
Married, once, for seven months.
Come on, Douglas. You looked into my records.
My husband told me. I do not look into people's records.
Well, was it painful, or a fling?
Everybody seemed to know what she was really like except me.
Hmm. I'm sorry.
I just don't like people knowing about it...
Because it's embarrassing to me that I was married for such a short time.
You can count on me, Secret Agent Douglas Chesnic.
Special Secret Agent In Charge Douglas Chesnic.
Congratulations, Special Agent Douglas.
You've been a very, very naughty boy, but now all is forgiven.
How did you do it? How did you talk your way back in here?
Earl, the simple answer is, she likes me.
Jimmy, ham and eggs, I think. Yes, ma'am.
Good morning, gentlemen. MEN: Good morning, Mrs. Carlisle.
Douglas, the president is coming to Summersville.
We must prepare for that.
Will you have the cars and the machine guns ready in about an hour?
Yes, ma'am. Good. Thank you.
Frederick, perhaps some sit-ups.
Well, I think it's a real feather in our cap to have the president coming to the dedication of the final wing.
Do you? Yes, ma'am.
Oh, well, I think it's a tempest in a teapot, but if the president does insist on coming, what can I do but try to be gracious until the whole affair is over with.
Where do you plan to stage this thing, Mr. Porter?
I thought outside at your husband's sepulcher we'd put up a tent.
This is no great concern of mine, and I'm delighted to leave these matters up to you, but I'd have the presentation in the reading room with the portrait of my husband as a backdrop.
Then I'd have refreshments served in the library with a bar set up in the adjoining parlor.
What do you think of that?
Well... I think that would be nice, too.
MRS. CARLISLE: Thank you so much again.
I suppose you're all excited about the president visiting us poor, little, country mice.
Yes, ma'am. I see this as a chance to get my people on their toes again.
So you think they're dull, too?
Ah, Frederick, tell me, which of these exemplifies elegant disdain yet sincere concern?
You're good, you know that? You are very good.
DOUG: We'll have six of their guys inside, ten on the grounds, but we're in charge of the physical plant.
Yeah. All right. Mmm-hmm.
Those guys are taking their orders from us.
Does she want to be known today?
Don't know her. Don't know her. Don't know her.
It's got no price at all. Yes, ma'am.
Doug, this is Bobby in canned goods. Are you near the manager?
I need a price check on Le Sueur baby peas. Repeat, Le Sueur baby peas.
Le Sueur baby peas?
They're on special today. Two for 59.
They're on special today. Two for 59.
Copy that. It's two for 59.
But I only want one.
Roger that, Doug, but she only wants one.
How much for just one?
The same. It's a two-for-one thing.
Bobby, it's a two-for-one thing, so I suggest you get both.
Copy that, Doug, but I believe we've lost interest in peas.
Repeat, lost interest in peas. Canned goods out.
Someone's smoking in here. Ma'am?
Someone is smoking in a grocery store!
Are you going to deal with this? Yes, ma'am.
Okay, I want one of those temporary rinses, not blue hair. Yes, ma'am.
If it's blue, I'll just chop it all off. Yes, ma'am.
Okay, let's do it.
I suppose you better give it to her.
You're her secretary.
I love this color.
Come in. It's just great. DOUG: Mrs. Carlisle?
Douglas. Hello. Come on. We're back here.
Mrs. Carlisle. Yes, come in. Come in.
What do you think of this?
Well, I think you look beautiful.
Oh. Thank you.
I've got a fax here from Washington. Uh-huh.
Would you excuse us for just a moment? Yes, ma'am.
The president's not coming. Pressing matters of state.
Well, we can relax then.
Will he be sending someone in his place? Yes, ma'am.
Secretary of commerce, Yvonne Boyer. Excellent.
That'll make your job a lot easier.
Would you send the hairdresser back in, so she can collect her things?
The thing that my husband would be particularly proud of is that this center is a place of learning and contemplation.
He would have liked that very, very much.
What I am especially proud of is that we took a fine, wonderful old building and we made it useful again.
That appeals to me.
Perhaps because I am getting old myself.
(CROWD LAUGHS) Well, in closing, I would like to thank Yvonne Kiki Hernandez-Boyer, for taking time out of her nonstop, hectic schedule to be here with us today.
Thank you so much, Kiki, for coming.
You honor us all with your gracious, gracious company.
Good morning. Morning.
Yeah. Come in.
I'd like to go on a picnic tomorrow down by the lake.
Yes, ma'am. They say it might snow tomorrow.
Well, we can't just wait on summer, now, can we?
No, I guess not.
I'd very much appreciate it if I could go with just you and not everyone else.
(SIGHS) Thank you.
Is this better than Mister Ed?
(CLICKS OFF TV)
Mrs. Carlisle, I think it's getting colder.
Would you leave me alone, please?
I'll get the chair.
Stop! Hey, Earl, stop! Damn!
Office. Are they back yet?
Doug? Yeah. Doug. Are they there?
Who? Mrs. Carlisle? Yes.
No, they're not here. Aren't they with you?
No. Call everybody in. Come get me.
Did they get back yet? Nope.
When did they take off?
About two and a half hours ago. Jesus.
Who's this? Tom, they there?
Okay, call Sheriff Janson and the highway patrol.
Tell them they're just out joyriding again.
It's not a problem, but inform them that there's no security with Mrs. Carlisle.
Okay, thanks. Washington?
No! No, not yet. We'll give them another hour.
Okay. Goddamn her for this.
Let's call Washington.
This is the worst moment of my life.
If she was taken, the people who did it must have been setting this up for months. Yes, sir.
Did you notice anything suspicious? No, sir.
Nothing at all?
I ought to call the president when we get to the Carlisle place.
It'll be almost midnight by then, Mr. Harrison.
That's no problem. He's up.
Hello, Doug. Hi.
Thanks for coming in. Sure.
Well, according to this, all of the local roads...
I would appreciate it if you would put something under there so that we don't scratch the table.
Doug, why don't you come in here with me?
MAN: Yes, sir.
Uh-huh. That's correct.
Doug, this is Charles Ivy, CIA.
Doug, here, is agent in charge for Mrs. Carlisle.
HARRISON: Mr. President, I've got Agent Doug Chesnic with me.
Does he want to speak with me?
She has a full-time nurse. What's that for?
Uh, she's had some dizziness the last couple years.
He monitors her medication, makes sure she's eating right, that kind of stuff.
Seven well-trained, heavily-armed men can't take care of one little old lady?
You disgust me.
Doug, Sheriff Janson's on the phone.
Who's that? TOM: Local sheriff.
What's he got? It's for Agent Chesnic.
Doug, why don't you take it in the kitchen?
They found the car on a country road.
Driver unconscious on the front seat.
He's being taken to a county hospital.
Mrs. Carlisle was not at the scene.
Mr. President, Tess Carlisle has been kidnapped.
(POLICE RADIO CHATTERING)
MAN: Unfortunately, the first officer on the scene drove through the tire tracks.
Makes it tough as hell to get fingerprints.
OFFICER: Hey, Bobby. Look here.
It's out of our hands. No, definitely.
I don't want to step on any more toes.
(POLICE RADIO CHATTERING)
I thought you'd appreciate an update.
A plastic syringe was found on the floor of the front seat.
The labs says it contains a combination of extremely powerful drugs, ketamine and ativan.
Both are common. They're easy to steal.
And used together would knock out a full grown man within 10 seconds of being injected.
A big enough shot would keep him down for up to six or seven hours.
Which squares with how long your guy was out.
We take it as a good sign that they used a drug instead of killing him.
The, uh, injuries...
On the back of the driver's neck, by the way, are burns. Which is interesting.
They're both in the shape of a small crescent, smaller than a quarter.
My friends from the CIA think it might be a brand, a signature kind of thing for a Middle Eastern terrorist organization.
Also, we spoke to Mrs. Carlisle's doctor.
Those pills that she takes for dizziness...
Actually, it's a little more serious than that.
She has an inoperable brain tumor.
Did any of you know that?
Anyway, we'll have fiber and fingerprint reports by late afternoon.
A note was found in the car's glove compartment demanding $15 million.
Well, that's about it, except, um, we're going to need these offices.
You can all go home if you want to.
That's the best thing to do, I think. Thanks.
Well, let's get any personal stuff and get out.
What's with that nonsense about Middle Eastern terrorists?
Can you imagine a bunch of Arabs slipping around Summersville unnoticed?
Yeah, what about this plastic syringe in the back of the car?
Does that bother anybody else? If these guys are such pros, why would they leave something like that behind? It had to be left on purpose.
Hmm, yeah. How long has she been gone?
Twenty-two hours and 30 minutes.
Doug, can I get a ride with you?
Mrs. Carlisle hired me.
I know, Kimberly. We'll find her.
When others wouldn't.
HARRISON: Douglas, make this quick.
I just want you to think about this.
Mrs. Carlisle is sitting in the back seat of the Lincoln, right?
Now, if she's been taken off against her will, you know she's not just gonna sit there and take that.
She's gonna take some form of action.
So what does she have in the way of a weapon?
I don't know. Cigarette lighter. Right there in the door.
Makes a little round crescent-shaped burn.
How's it going? You getting anywhere?
We'll know more when all the lab stuff comes in.
Yeah, well, if there's anything I can do, Mr. Shaeffer or Doug, uh, just ask me.
Earl, can we have a look at your neck?
Yeah, I guess. What for?
Well, it's just such a peculiar thing. Oh.
Let me get a nurse to help with the bandage.
What's this about?
He just wants to see the burns.
He thinks they're the key to this case.
The burns? Yeah.
I already told him I don't know how they got there because I was unconscious.
Could you sit up, please? Okay.
What do you think?
SHAEFFER: About the burns? Yeah.
We got a couple ideas. Like what?
Just ideas. Oh.
EARL: Thank you.
Well, I certainly hope you're not going to try to pin this on me.
I certainly wasn't the one who arranged for Mrs. Carlisle to be in the middle of nowhere, guarded by only one agent.
That was not my idea.
I also wasn't the one who hated Mrs. Carlisle with a vengeance.
That was Agent Chesnic here. Did he tell you that?
Is that right? You hated her? With a vengeance.
I actually like her very much. Ask anybody. They argued all the time.
Isn't that right, Doug?
Is that normal, for an agent to be arguing with his... No.
No, of course it's not.
See, you should be asking him the questions. Hated her guts, true or false?
Look, she treated these guys like dirt.
She--She threw them all out of the house a couple weeks ago.
EARL: Can I have a cigarette? Sorry, don't smoke.
Why are you suddenly so upset?
I'm not upset.
Well, wouldn't you be?
Look, I may be only the driver, but I'm at least smart enough to know that you guys are not gonna leave town without putting somebody in jail, and that somebody doesn't have to be guilty.
I read. I know how you guys operate.
You did it, didn't you, Earl?
The hell with you, okay, Dougie?
It was easy, wasn't it?
Get him out of my face. I'm not putting up with this. All right.
I have to warn you, Mr. Feller, that the FBI does consider you suspect.
Well, that's just terrific. I suggest you get a lawyer quickly.
Don't you worry about that. I'm going to protect myself.
Where is she, Earl?
Speak to my lawyer, Agent--Agent Dougie.
All right. That's it for now.
No more questions. But we have to have you available to us, at our convenience.
All right... Oh, no, Doug.
Let's not be stupid here.
Where is she?
I don't know. Doug, we're the good guys, okay?
We don't do stuff like this. Don't you get it?
I'm the only one that you've got, and he wants to kill me!
Doesn't that tell you anything?
Come on, Doug. I'm telling you to holster your pistol.
Oh, Jesus, help me. Goddamn it, Doug. Put that gun away.
You're already in so much trouble!
He's gonna tell me. Tell you what? I don't know anything.
Even if he does, we can't use it! Not like this!
Earl... I'm going to count to five, and then I'm gonna shoot one of your toes off.
EARL: Oh, God! Doug.
And then I'm gonna count to five and shoot another toe.
Doug! Listen, I don't know anything!
Will you just get that through your thick...
Doug, are you crazy? Are you?
He didn't count! He didn't even count! Five, four...
You're going to prison, Doug. Listen to me! Just listen to me?
If he is involved... NURSE: This is the nurse's station.
Should we call the police? SHAEFFER: Yes, and the FBI.
If he is involved then she knows it!
And if she knows it, her life is worthless! Do you understand me?
They have to fuckin' kill her! We don't have time to meet his lawyer!
Right, Earl? Oh, God help me!
Five! Four! SHAEFFER: Doug.
Three! Two! (SCREAMING) Okay! Okay!
Okay, okay, okay. Look, they've got her in an abandoned farmhouse.
An abandoned farmhouse? Yeah! Yeah!
I don't think so. Five! No, no! I swear to God!
I swear to God! Doug! Really!
Listen, it's my sister and her husband. Check it out, Doug.
It wasn't my idea! I swear to God!
(EARL CRYING HYSTERICALLY)
They made me do it!
(CRYING) Mrs. Carlisle's all right, Doug, because my sister is taking very good care of her.
(INDISTINCT WEATHER REPORT)
MAN ON RADIO: ...drizzle outside. Sunset tomorrow about 4:50.
Freeze! That's it!
You have the right to remain silent!
She's over here. Where?
There. She's down there.
What? Take that off.
You buried her? Jesus Christ. Is she alive?
Yeah. Pretty sure.
SHAEFFER: You put her down there over 30 hours ago?
This is not a young woman. You guys better start saying your prayers.
What did you do? What did you do? Huh?
SHAEFFER: Take it easy!
Jesus Christ. Get him the hell outta here!
Look how deep that is. They weren't gonna dig her up.
Keep her alive for a day or two in case you had to have her, then just cut the ventilation and walk.
Who the hell let you back in?
We wanna do the digging. She's our responsibility.
SHAEFFER: Your guys are upset. Wait outside. Let us do it.
Okay, okay, all right, dig. Guys, come on, get outta there!
Give these men the shovels. Come on! Thank you.
Give me the shovel.
(HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING)
I think I found something! Pull out the pipe! Can you see anything?
Is she down there?
Somebody get a power saw!
MAN: I got it! Come on! Move!
I want soap, water and blankets.
Nobody sees her like this. Okay.
Make a hole! Come on, make a hole!
OFFICER: Hurry! Hurry! Keep those people back!
All right, bring her up slowly! That's it!
Now bring her towards the back of the copter!
Come on, gentlemen! Watch your step!
Step lively now! Watch your head!
Watch your feet! The bottom of the copter is slick!
Watch your head!
Sorry, sir. That's too many.
That's bullshit. We're gettin' on. No can do, pal.
All right, we'll meet 'em at the hospital. Come on.
What do you think, Doug?
She's alive, Joe. That's all I know.
Come on, guys! Snap it up!
Hey! Anybody out here named Douglas Chesnic?
I'm Chesnic! What is it?
Lady's awake, sir! Says she's not going anywhere without her Secret Service detail!
Is that you guys? Yeah, that's us!
Can you come aboard, sir?
Yeah, we can do that!
Wait one second, sir!
I'm sorry, gentlemen. I have to throw some of you off.
She gonna be all right? Looks like it.
Where have you been? Looking for you.
How long did it take you to figure out the cigarette lighter burns?
About 22 hours.
Oh, Douglas, it was so obvious. No, it wasn't.
I was the only one who got it. I can hardly believe that.
It's true. Howard Shaeffer, FBI.
If I may say, ma'am, Agent Chesnic is the reason we found you.
If he hadn't shot a man in the hospital... Shot a man?
Yes, ma'am. You finally got to shoot somebody, Douglas?
Well... Did you kill him?
He shot him in the toe.
Oh, after all that practice.
Yes, ma'am. Ma'am, if I could set the record straight...
Excuse me, I'd just like to talk to this gentleman, if you don't mind.
I'll get it, dear.
Tell the others I'll be out in a minute. Yes, ma'am.
OPERATOR: Mrs. Carlisle, the president's returning your call.
Oh, yes, thank you. Yes, ma'am.
PRESIDENT: Tess, are they treating you all right in that hospital?
'Cause if they're not... Harold, I want my Secret Service agent taken care of.
Tess, the man discharged a firearm in a public place.
I don't care about any of that. This young man saved my life.
He's like a son to me, Harold. I want him taken care of. You understand?
Well, sure, Tess. I'm sure we...
Oh, and if anything should ever happen to me, I want your personal word that you will look after him.
Well, sure, Tess. You know I... Good. Thanks, Harold.
That's all I wanted to know. You have yourself a nice day. Y-Yes, ma'am.
WOMAN ON P.A.: Dr. Willis to 4-west nurse's station.
MRS. CARLISLE: What is this?
It's your wheelchair, ma'am.
I can see it's a wheelchair, but I won't be needing it. Thank you very much.
It's hospital policy that you leave by wheelchair.
No, I would really prefer not to sit in the wheelchair.
I would much rather walk on my own two feet...
With my own steam out of the hospital.
I understand, but the rules and regulations state that each patient...
Oh, the rules? No, no, no. ...must leave in a wheelchair.
Rules and regulations are not something I'm terribly fond of.
Just allow me to go out on my own.
Please, Mrs. Carlisle, I'm just trying to do my job.
I would like very much... I am not sitting in that! Mrs. Carlisle, please!
If I may interrupt.
The regulations aren't really that sacred, are they?
Get in the goddamn chair.
Very good, Douglas.
You'll be all right. Very good.
Mrs. Carlisle, how are you feeling?
MAN: Do you plan to stay in Summersville?