Gun Shy (2017) Script

And now it's time for "The Gig of Life."

What's hot, what's not in the world of rock.

Remember Metal Assassin led by Chilean-born Turk Enry?

At the time of their tender breakout hit "Teenage Ass Patrol"...

...they seemed unstoppable, until they stopped.

The band kicked Turk out when he met his very own Yoko Ono.

Her name was Sheila, and Turk began a long fade to black...

...whilst his ex-bandmates released Neptune of Cock.

It sold in the millions.

Turk, by contrast, was enjoying external tours off his body.

Now a recluse, Turk has reportedly not left his Malibu mansion...

...in over two years, which qualifies him for this week's...

...down and out celebrity in rock. Sheila!

Speak English, Pepito. You know perfectly well I don't speak Spanish.

I'm English from London, remember? Okay, can I help, sir?

Yes. Yes, you could help me. I need to throw this TV...

...into the pool! ¿Que?

This TV set into the swimming pool!

Yeah, okay. Okay. Okay? Okay?

Sheila!

Would you like to check the guarantee first?

Sheila!

Sheila!

I'm up here packing for our trip to Chile!

Sheila. Yes, Turk?

I have decided I don't want to go on vacation.

Vacations are too stressful.

But we're going there so that I can learn more about your culture.

But Chile's not my home. I can't even speak Spanish.

You mean you won't even speak Spanish. Come on. They love you back there.

Your picture's on every wall. Well, but I was young then, you know?

Sorry... younger than now, where I'm also young.

And we need some time alone.

You know, no assistants, no bodyguards, no drivers.

No nobody. Just us.

Maybe you'll get inspired. Maybe you'll start writing again.

Oh, no, my chair is here. I want to sit in my chair.

I love my chair! Fine!

You can stay if you get rid of that hunk of junk that's been rotting in our front yard.

That van is a reminder of how far I have come.

You know, it keeps me down to Earth. Be careful there!

Yeah, of course. It keeps you down to Earth.

You just got a delivery of a crate of beer that says it was brewed in space.

So we keep the van, right?

Fine! Chile it is. Yeah.

Besides, I have already been back to Chile, you know?

That was on tour! That doesn't count!

What? When I was on tour there...

...I got so drunk in a bar in Valparaiso...

...that I had a piss that lasted seven minutes.

You know, the owner was so impressed...

...he told me he would build a statue to commemorate it.

That's great. So we'll go and visit the shrine to your piss.

Yeah? Go and pack.

I have already packed. Then go and watch TV.


We're in Chile!

Oh, baby, baby. Look, look!

Look, the trains in Chile are blue! See?

Baby! Baby!

Gracias! Gracias!

Where is your assistance? Turk!

Why is this place so empty?

Hey, hey, lady.

Why it's so cold here?

It's winter, sir.

I'm not good with months, but it's July, right?

I don't speak Spanish. I am English...

...so I do speak beer, and, yes, I would love one.

Beer. Yes, indeed.

Beer is always in season.

Turk!

I'm here! Oh, shit.

Baby. Hey, hey, hey.

You knew it was winter.

Yeah, it's July. In Chile, July is winter.

July is summer. Who's your new friend?

He's my new manager, you know.

I'm gonna fire John. This little dude over here can get me everything I need now.

Beer.

He just gets me. All right. Yeah, okay.

We have to get going. We leave in six minutes.

Do you wanna come on a beautiful, breathtaking, once-in-a-lifetime hike...

...through the mountains with your loving wife...

...or do you wanna lie here alone in the cold and drink beer?

Beer.

He makes a compelling argument.

Where is your sense of adventure? Well, I have done three world tours.

I'm told they were very...

...eventful. Please, Turk.

You need to do something. The band's over, not your life.

Well, yeah, you better get going. Your trip leaves in, like, three minutes.

Yeah, sure. I get it. I get that you don't like anything anymore.

Oh, no. But do you at least like me?

Be honest. Am I Yoko Ono?

Of course not.

Babe.

I'll see you when you get back.

I love you. Have fun.

Well, have fun.

Beer time. Give it to me. Yeah! Oh, yeah.

Mr. Enry won't be joining us.

Thank you, ma'am. Thanks.

No, no. This is my better side.

Hello. Hello.

You know you shouldn't tip them.

Yeah, you can't let them think that they can earn money just by being nice.

Are you excited about the llamas?

Me and Charlie cannot wait to see the llamas.

I can give or take the llamas. Charlie, you bloody fibber.

He wouldn't stop talking about them back at the hotel.

Amy, let's start a Facebook live feed.


Here we are.

Señores, señoras. Bienvenidos. Welcome.

As we make our way up the trail, please be careful not to startle the llamas, okay?

They don't take it very well. Can you say something really ethnic?

I don't think we say the word "ethnic" anymore.

Guys! Guys! The llamas, they're here, okay? Just come, be quiet.

Charlie, don't get too excited. Remember what happened with that kangaroo.

So beautiful!

Damn right.

God, it's fur is gonna look gorgeous as a rug in my den.

What? What are you doing?

I thought this was a sightseeing tour? You pay, you see, you shoot, you whatever.

Why would you want to shoot these creatures? What is wrong with you?

We came all the way down here to the inferior hemisphere.

We're definitely gonna shoot something.

I'm not gonna let you do this. I don't think you can stop us, honey.

Yeah.

Get out of here! These are bad people! Bad, bad people!

All right, darlin', we warned ya.

Now get out of the way before we fire.

Well, looky here. A perfect bathmat.


Oh, my God! What are they saying?

They say, "we want the white people."

Okay.

Wait! Are you just gonna leave us? Yes! Goodbye!

Do you have any idea who I am?

Any idea at all?

I am only the CEO of Dynet Media!

World leader in viral marketing. Ring any bells?

You don't even know what viral marketing is, do you?

Be quiet and get up!

I will not get up. I shall not get up, either.

There's a reason they keep you people down here in the bottom of the planet.

Now, I have come to this toilet of a country to shoot a llama...

...and by God, I am going to shoot a llama!

Never mess with a llama.

Don't mistake their benevolence for weakness.

They are a proud beast.

Vamos. Vamos. No!

Hey! Come.

Well, that wasn't very long for the llamas, was it?

Look at that.

That's what I have to deal with on a day-to-day basis.

Do you see what she's doing?

Sandrine, are you still there? Yes, love.

Do you know where we are? No, love. I've got a bag on my head.

Me too.

You wouldn't know it, but I...

...I used to be famous.

I was in a rock band.

Hey, yeah! You're a natural, man.

Yeah. And the one thing that people don't say to people...

...in rock bands is no.

Well, a long story short...

...I was diagnosed with a sex addiction.

I went to rehab.

I was ready to leave, and...

...but then I met Sheila, you know.

The woman that is always mad with me.

I'll tell you...

...she saved me.

She pulled me back from the brink...

...and my old life.

All that old stuff that I used to do, and...

Beer. Why not? Yeah!

While the cat is away.

Give it to me. Yeah.


Get her passport.

You seem very nervous...

...Sandrine. It's just...

...it's our first time being kidnapped. We don't want to get it wrong.

Do we, Charlie? No.

You're doing just fine.

I run a top quality double glazing company back in London...

...and if we could pay the ransom in windows, French windows...

...we do French windows, too. Charlie.

You like the British band Metal Assassin?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Turk Enry is a God.

You...

...are Turk Enry's wife.

Oh, shit.

Yeah!

Sheila, Sheila.

Things are looking up.


When I was five years old, I had a pet cat.

It was a Siamese cat.

I loved him very much.

His name was Nomo.

Like the baseball player?

Exactly like the baseball player...

...except...

...my Nomo was run over by a car...

...dead. I took the body, sealed it in a plastic bag...

...put it in the family trashcan, and five long, hot summer days later...

...the stench coming out of that can was unbelievable.

That's what your town smells like to me.

Do you know why I like snakes, Ramon? No. I don't think anyone does.

Because they're so clean.

And they can shed their skin. I wish I could shed my skin.

I would just take it all right off right here. Snakes and I have that in common.

You know what else we have in common? You can dislocate your jaw?

We can only thrive in certain environments. We need to be in a safe place...

...in order to be the dominant killing machines that we're meant to be.

What I'm trying to say is I need to get out of this pestilent colonial dump.

I'm wasted.

Here it is. What is it?

A taser gun. They wouldn't authorize issue, so I just bought one myself.

A toy one? No, it's a real one.

Look, "shock your friends with 20,000 volts. Be your own real-life dirty Barry."

I'm sure that's just a misprint.

Very impressive, sir. Chile is a safer place today.

Open this. It's hurting my gums.


This is the hotel manager. It's an emergency!

What?

Excuse me. May I come in?

All right. Come in.

I'm sorry, sir. I've been ringing you over and over again without an answer.

You better be telling me that it's the end of the world...

...or that someone kidnapped my wife.

Someone has kidnapped your wife. Exactly. You better be telling me that.

Someone has kidnapped your wife.

They're asking for a million dollars.

Oh, thank God. I thought they'd be asking for a lot of money.

John Hardigger's office, this is Marybeth.

Hey, Marybeth. It's Turk. I need to speak to John.

Turk! Well, John's in a meeting.

Who is he with that is more important than me?

Right now, Turk, everyone.

Well, he's in a meeting with the lead singer of Masculine Harmony right now...

...trying to convince him to stay in the closet.

We all want to be gay, Steve. All of us.

No women telling us what to do, great fashion sense.

You can seemingly grab women's breasts willy-nilly, and it's apparently fine.

But I just don't see that working for you in the context of the music industry.

Look, think about it. Which would you rather have...

...the freedom to love whoever you choose or loads of cash?

Can I help you? Tell John...

...that Sheila has been kidnapped and they need a million dollars!

Well, I don't need John. I wouldn't even wake him up for a million dollars.

That's what I said! Listen, this has to stay between the three of us, okay?

Or they say they'll kill her. I need the money, like, right now!

Is that understood? Can you handle it? I'm on it. I'm on it.

And tell John to fuck off for never answering my calls anymore.

Okay, tell John you need a million dollars for his kidnapped wife...

...keep it a secret, and to fuck off. Got it.

Bye. Bye. Yeah, yeah. That's it.

Have you heard of the gatos? Doesn't that mean cats?

It does. In Chile, that's what we call our pirates.

They are former fisherman who were crowded out by big companies.

You see, in this country, a few wealthy people like you...

...they own and control everything...

...even the licenses of who can fish.

That is why this village that we're in now...

...once thriving with the life and laughter of families, now lies empty.

Now the gatos rob the big boats to get their fish back.

What I do have is my crew...

...and what I do not have is a ship.

So you see, that's why you're here, unfortunately.

I, too, like the gatos, had to make the choice between starving...

...and this dangerous life you see.

Listen, when I was modeling, I had to skip meals all the time, too.

Okay, here's the deal.

Some foreigners have been kidnapped in Cerro la Cam...

Campana.

But one of them is a celebrity.

What? What? What? A movie star? Who is it?

Okay, listen. We've gotta keep this on the QT.

Not even the legal attaché finds out about it until I've checked it out.

Everything is on QT. Got it.

Where is QT? You don't know what QT means?

I learn English at night school, sir. I almost did ceramics.

It means quiet. Ceramics means pots.

No, QT means quiet.

I see. It's almost onomatopoeic?

You know onomatopoeic, but you don't know QT?

I did not set the curriculum. Okay, listen...

...this could be a straightforward case of kidnapping, or...

...it could be something a little more sinister, like terrorist activity.

Terrorists? Here?

It would be to my advantage if it were. It would help me get a position in Washington.

Do you have a shower here? I'd love to clean up.

I will be just outside the door.

How you getting on in there?

I'm fine, thanks!


Finished showering, I see.

How long exactly have you guys been pirates?

Almost nine hours.

Are you the concierge? That's the lighter that doesn't work.

No, Mr. Turk, I am Federal Agent Harding.

Enry. No, Harding. Ben Harding.

I am Enry. I thought it was Turk.

Turk Enry. Please, take a seat.

Listen, Mr. Enry, American three-letter agencies...

...are already at work on your case. You should expect...

Well, you know, my manager is taking care of everything.

It won't take long, and I'm sorry we have wasted your time.

Mr. Enry, there are some things we need to discuss.

I'm concerned they're asking for so much money.

One million. Do you think that's a lot of money?

Well, you know, I once bought a giant "tor-toys" for 2 million.

I thought I could ride up the street, you know, like the king of tortoises...

...but that thing barely bloody moved.

You could use the back of it as a table.

We believe this is the work of a terrorist cell.

Terrorists? We heard some chatter...

...from the Aggregate Homeland/NSA...

...metadata harvesting machines up in outer space.

Now, it's classified for your safety.

Screw it. You know, it makes no difference.

I'll pay the money, I get Sheila back...

...and maybe next time she'll think twice before flying us to exotic places.

Maybe you don't understand me.

The United States government does not negotiate with terrorists...

...and we cannot allow you to fund them.

I'm not starting an Indiegogo for Isis. I'm getting my wife back.

Imagine what those savages could do with a million dollars.

Yeah, they could buy half a giant tortoise.

What's a "tor-toys"? It's a big animal with a shell.

So it's a turtle.

Luis was a bus boy.

Diego was a school teacher.

We all wanted something more.

When you're poor, people take from you...

...until you can't take it anymore...

...and then you take back.

That is freedom.

What's the matter?

Diego is saying he's putting on too much weight...

...and can we please cut the carbs in the meal.

He is one fat fucker! Get out!

Come on. Turk!

John says, and I quote, "you can tell that U.S. government tool...

...that if they think they can keep you from getting your wife back...

...they're gonna have every media outlet in the bloody universe climbing up their asses."

Last thing we need to do is keep this on the QT.

Did... did John really say that?

He would have if he'd read my emails.

Normal people do this every day. It's as simple as opening a beer.

Well, who is bringing the money? The money's at the bank.

You just need to go and pick it up. Me?

Why do I have to do it? Can I... can I pay someone to do it?

I don't, you know, do things.

You'll be fine. It's a trip to the bank.

Here, this is how you throw a punch.

John should be here. Pick up the money, wait for the kidnappers.

Nothing to worry about. I am bloody terrified.

It will all be over soon. I promise.

And I'll keep trying to reach John, but you don't need him.

Shit!

What did she call me?

Tool.

Here's your taxi, sir.

Wait, wait, wait.


Pedicab. All right.

Welcome to Banco Nacional, Mr. Enry. Everything is ready for you.

Very good. Very good. Excellent.

Please.

That's it?

It seems that a million dollars cash should look more...

...dramatic.

Well, hey, everything else in the world is just disappointing, so why not this?

Mr. Enry, you must count it.

The main reason I became a musician was because we only count to four.

Okay.

One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four.

And one, two, and...

...perfect.

Mr. Enry, I'm sorry. I can't let you take that money.

What money? I am just a man going out for a walk with...

...his suitcase. This is a matter of national security.

No, no, no, no, no.

Mr. Enry, I could have you arrested for violating the patriot act.

The press'll get wind of this, your wife will be in even more trouble. Now just stop it.

Just relax. Take a quaalude.

You don't have to save the day. Somebody else will do it for you.

Well, yeah. Maybe you're right. Yeah. Yes. That's the spirit.

I'm comin' for you, Turk Enry!

Oh, no!

Move it!

Out!

What the fuck am I doing? Out! Get out!

No!

Out! Out of the way!

Oh, my God.

He actually did it.

This is so cool!

Please, please, don't arrest me.

Don't arrest me in front of... of me.

Okay. I'm going to impound the money, you're gonna stay in your hotel...

...and consider yourself lucky I don't arrest you.

Am I supposed to say thank you? Okay, then, thank you, you colossal prick!

You know I need that money to rescue my wife!

I can have you arrested for violating the espionage act...

...for aiding, abetting, and communicating with the enemy.

Now, even your high-priced attorney can't help you when I ship you off to Gitmo.

Good day, sir.

It feels good to speak Spanish.

50 minutes cardio, 50 minutes pilates, starting at 6:00 every morning.

I can give you a detailed plan.

Plus you need to show strength.

You're a pirate captain.

Yeah. Yeah, tell me...

...tell me more about that.

Excuse me... I'll speak to my crew.


Hi.

A show of strength it is.

What do I do now?

They won't let me pay the ransom. I can't rescue Sheila.

A beer?

You are so right.

I'll call my manager. I'm a freakin' rock star.

And I don't have to get my hands dirty.

I pay 10% on everything I earn...

...so someone else can get my wife out of hostage situations.

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. I can't call John up...

...and Harding has definitely tapped my phone.

That's how he knew I was at the bank.

You are so sharp, boy.

John Hardigger's office.

Really? I can't even get John at 3 a.m.?

All right, Marybeth... listen carefully, all right?

My phone is tapped.

Why? You're the most irrelevant person I know right now.

Just write it down.

I'm speaking in code.

Slots and roulette.

Slots and roulette.

Good at making friends. Good at making friends.

John Mayer's sixth album... Paradise Valley.

But in Spanish. But in Spanish.

My grandmother's homeland.

Will you remember what I said tonight? What I said tonight.

Yeah. Bye.

Casino.

Social.

Valle Paraiso.

Chile. Bob Dylan.

The first line of "Tomorrow Night."

Casino social, Valparaiso, Chile...

...tomorrow.

Shit.

I'm going to south America.


Where are we going? We've been walking for bloody hours.

And we're both wearing crocs. They are not a hiking shoe.

Look, if you're gonna kill us, just do it, all right? Just do it. Just bloody do it!

You don't have to be so enthusiastic, Sandy.

I mean, you don't have to do it. You really don't.

Buenos noches. That means good night.

This is it, then. Oh, God!

I want you to know I've always been faithful to you.

I know, love. Do you want to say it back to me?

What, love? That you've been faithful.

In body or in mind, Charlie? What?

They're two different things. Well, just the body thing.

Bloody hell, Charlie!

Captain?

Where have they bloody gone?

God. This is the worst holiday we've been on.

What, worse than Scotland? No, not worse than Scotland.

That bloody awful breakfast bar.

Where were you? You just leave me all tied up here with Señor Carbs?

All right, Sheila, Sheila, I understand you're upset...

...and this is not very comfortable for you, but...

...soon you can go back to being the pampered wife of a retired rock star.

Excuse me? He is the pampered husband of a retired supermodel.

Maybe you're right.

I'm just a rock star's wife now.

He's agreed to pay the ransom.

Of course he's going to pay the ransom.

We're married.

And we only have each other now.

Well, what about Metal Assassin?

They split up.

Actually, they split up with Turk since we got clean.


Yeah, it turns out without the drugs and sex, they had nothing to talk about.

I don't know if Turk has ever forgiven me for that.

Well, he hasn't forgiven you for saving his life?

I'm not sure he thinks his life's worth too much.

He's been sulking for months.

He wouldn't even go on this tour of Cayo Santiago with me.

He shouldn't be paying my ransom. He should be here with me, goddamn it.

My life is just so unfair.

My parents were burned by narcos when I was three.

As a child alone in the streets amidst the abuse, the drugs and beatings...

...I had one friend, my dog.

One day I got so hungry, I...

...ate my dog.

Okay, you win.

Stop. Para, para, para, para, para.

Beer?


Turkey!

Hey. I got here as fast as I could.

So...

...where is John?

To be honest, I don't know.

I'm pretty low on the pecking order, but I hear that he's somewhere important.

So who is he sending to help?

I'm the cavalry.

Sheila, baby, we are so screwed.

"And though she be but little, she is fierce." I've made us an appointment.

Okay. Yeah. Good. Yeah.

Who is coming for... G'day!

Here he is.

Mr. Enry, Clive Muggleton.

I'm your case officer. Jesus.

Those are some white teeth, you know that? They're beautiful.

It reminds me of high-grade cocaine.

Yeah. Hi. You must be Miss Monahan.

Well, we spoke on the phone, so thanks very much for coming down here.

A pleasure to put a face to the voice and a body to that face.

Sorry. I'm doing a course on misogyny to stop all that. That just popped out.

Won't happen again. About my situation...

Yes, here's the blurb. Layem international consultants.

We're a full-service executive security agency.

We do it all, from debugging offices to providing expertise in planning...

...and here's the part you'll like, executing ransom and retrieval operations.

What if something happens to Sheila?

Well, I'll find the bastards responsible, and I'll bring you their heads in a bag.

I... I don't think I want the head in a bag.

Where would I put it? The fridge.

Yeah.

I mean this completely as a compliment, but you have the perfect-sized knockers.

I mean, they're just the size. Sorry, won't happen again.

Okay. So...

...she tells me you're in some sort of band? He's in Metal Assassin.

Well, I can't say I've heard of him, but I'm into Crowded House, INXS, AC/DC...

...both the Minogues, Dannii and Kylie.

All right, enough chit-chat. I'm gonna do some recon.

I'll meet you in the afternoon. Stay out of trouble, super boobs.

I'm sorry. That one is a step over the line.

Sir? Okay.

Okay. I want you to consider a hypothetical situation.

You're presented with two doors.

Behind door number one, germ-infested pile of fecal matter.

The closer you get to this mound of excrement...

...you see that it's teeming with prostitutes, thieves, and pickpockets.

Sounds like my front door. Behind door number two...

...suitcase full of nice, clean U.S. cash dollars.

That sounds better. Well, which door would you take?

Okay. The money over shit.

Okay, I have a way to make both of our dreams come true.

You know what I would do if I had $1 million?

I'd go get myself a little dosa cart. Sell dosas all day long.

I have no idea what that is. Okay.

I want you to follow Mr. Enry. I need to know his every move.

Buenos días, señora.

This is awesome. Awesome. Love it. I'm gonna buy it from you.

I don't understand this arrangement at all.


Muchas gracias.

Well, all right, gorgeous. G'day.

How are you enjoying Valparaiso?

Yeah, it's like, San Fran meets South Beach, only mucho grosser.

So it's a bit like Nottingham really.

Look, I'm just gonna say it. You look unbelievable in those pants.

Five-star ass. And there, that's me done.

Gin and tonic?

Right, back to business. The U.S. government.

They've got their heads up their ass. The kidnappers aren't terrorists.

How do you know that? I just know.

I reckon that some blokes just got lucky. They went fishing for tourists.

They nabbed the wife of a rock star. I reckon they're shittin' themselves.

So what should we do?

Pay the ransom, get your wife back.

Get laid, not necessarily in that order.

All right, we'll pick it up tomorrow. In the meantime, stay off the phones.

We want them out of the loop.

Everything's gonna be all right. Yeah, yeah.

I'll see you later.

I'm Agent Harding. I got five words for ya.

Drop the Enry case.

Drop the Turk Enry case.

What do you care? I might have some friends in Washington...

...who would be interested in pulling some lucrative middle-east contracts...

...once they find out their guy in Chile screwed the pooch on a terrorism case.

Screwed the pooch? You guys still saying that?

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

Well, great. Let's go.

No, no, no. Wait. Hold on, hold on.

I thought you couldn't wait to get out of here?

That guy is amazing.

So passionate.

And he's killing it, and no one seems to give a shit.

He's the real deal.

Look at him.

He lives for music.

Sorry, sorry. Let me just write this down while it's still in my head.

I'm not gonna sugar the pill. I don't have great news.

Sheila?

No, the U.S. government. They put pressure on the company.

They won't let me take the case.

Is it because of that terrorist crap, right?

Yep, yep. For what it's worth, it's bullshit.

Am I supposed to let her rot while they decide what the hell they want to do?

They already have my million dollars! Excellent. Excellent.

Now stay angry, and I want you to listen to me, all right? Hit the table.

Why?

There's a guy over there. He's been following us.

Act angry.

But I can't act unless I'm high and I'm surrounded by dolphins.

I just need you to do it, okay? I'm so angry, and...

...and... and, shit! Yeah, well, company...

...can't take the case, but I will.

No, I'm... pissed off!

My fee's half million dollars wired to this account.

Go to hell, you marsupial-fellating dingo!

I'm sorry.

Don't know if you're jerking my crank or his, but the racial stuff, mate...

...that's a bit... you know? I was carried away...

...you didgeridoo douchebag!

God, mate! I can't help ya! You used-up wannabe has-been!

You didn't have to get personal, man, okay? It really hurts.

My men stole it from a junkyard.

They should have left it there. Watch out.

You need to be careful when tacking. The boom is always on the move.

You can sail? Yeah. I was raised in the fjords of Sweden.

Oh, I realize I have much to learn.

I should not be captain. You should be captain.

Okay, take the tiller. Yes, of course.

Which one's the tiller?

This is the tiller. I knew it. Yeah.

We'll make a pirate of you yet.

Also, you're gonna need a hat.

A pirate hat.

Filthy, sickening mountain of vile putrefaction.

You wanted to see me, sir?

Yes, I did.

There are currently two scenarios that could work in our favor.

One, something terrible happens to Turk Enry.

He can't get the money, he can't pay the ransom, they're stuck with a hostage.

Scenario two... kidnappers get jumpy, they kill Sheila.

Now, I can't control scenario two, but I can control scenario one.

Oh, yes, yes. I understand.

I'm suggesting that we take out Turk Enry...

...but I need a way to do it and stay safe.

Like how I stay safe from your snake? I stay far away.

You're a genius, Ramon.

I don't know this word.

That's a red-striped coral snake. It's more deadly than a cobra.

One drop of its venom paralyzes every muscle in the body...

...making normal organ function impossible.

This job has become very strange, sir.

Hello. I would like to arrange a hot tub treatment...

Jacuzzi. Jacuzzi. I got this.

...for a very special friend of mine. Amigo. Amigo, right?

Yep. Yeah, just say it.

Sí. Exacto, un jacuzzi para Turk.

Gracias. Sí.

That's it? Yeah.

Here's your towel, sir. Anything you need, please call me.

All right.

Beer? Beer! Yes, that's my guy.

Thank you.

Hello, there. Yeah.

No!


Hey! What the fuck?

Hey!

You are very lucky. No. Yeah?

He saved you.

Plus the snake has died from what we can only assume is alcohol poisoning.

Doc...

...will I be able to have sex again?

No sex for at least three months. Are you married?

Yeah, but she has been held hostage. Well, that made things easier, right?

Yeah. Mr. Enry. This has...

...this just arrived for you.

Thank you, Ramira.

Mate.

How you doin'?

I can't imagine the pain you're in.

Bitten right on the tip of your jizzpipe.

His dick has been in thousands of dangerous places. He'll be fine.

You have no idea how he's feeling, love.

It's one of the many advantages of having a vagina.

It's highly unlikely you're gonna get bitten on the end of it.

Please stop talking about my poisoned cock.

I had a mate sleeping rough in the bush, passed out one night, hammered...

...woke up the next morning to discover a dingo had eaten his ball.

Took it clean off.

Must got a taste for it, too.

Came back the next day, took the other.

Clive.

Right, look, it's all pretty straightforward. Take the money to the coordinates...

...go alone, seems pretty adamant about that.

We'd better listen to them, you know? They have already killed twice.

The only danger is gonna be the drop-off, and I'll handle it.

When we do get the money, the less time we spend with that in our possession, the better.

All right, you know, it was hard enough getting the first million.

Did you know they make you count it?

Anyway, we do anything suspicious, and Harding's gonna be all over us.

What's the matter? Snake got your penis?

Yeah. Just kidding.

I think I'm having an idea.

Yeah.

This is how we are gonna get the money. One million dollars...

First of all... I use my tapped cell phone...

...to arrange the money to be delivered to the same bank as last time.

Yeah, so then I make a call on your behalf from a pay phone...

...and arrange for the money to be sent to a different bank.

Exactly! How tall are you, Clive?

Standard specification sex machine, mate.

Me, too.

Now, I'm gonna wear this when I go and collect the money.

That's a bloody beautiful shirt, mate. Glad you like it.

Agent Harding will be on our tail.

Follow that car!

So make sure, Turk, you arrive at the bank ten minutes early...

...giving you time to go into the bar next door to the bank.

And you bring... this stuff with you.

As per your list.

This salt shaker is me.

These two butter cups are you and Clive.

And this peanut is Ben Harding.

What's the bottle of beer? That's my bottle of beer.

The plan there is I drink it.

It's good.

So Agent Harding is at the bank...

And he needs to be kept there as long as possible.

Now, since you do a lot of undercover spy stuff...

...I am assuming you have a collection of various disguises.

Disguises, got the lot. What do you want? Beards or gums?

Ball caps? Spectacles? Testicles?

You can disguise a man's a testicles?

Sure. A man's own testicles can be a real giveaway.

Really? Sorry, where do you buy fake testicles?

Amazon.

G'day, Agent Harding. Where you goin'?

Where is he? Is what he'll probably say.

I don't know who you're talkin' about, sir!

Marybeth, keep an eye on Harding.

And let me know when he's heading my way.

He'll be there in eight minutes. Repeat, eight minutes.

Over and out. Bye.

There's only one other bank that can handle that kind of cash.

It's not gonna take them long to work out where you are.

Right on. I just have to be quick.

All right, guys.

$1 million, right here.

And back here.

Rock 'n roll, man! Very good. That was awesome. Awesome.

Damn it!

And that's how we steal a million dollars.

But we're not stealing it. It's already yours.

Fine! You know, that's how we make a withdrawal from a bank.

It doesn't sound as good.

Then I do the drop, you get your wife back, we're all set. Simple.

I know exactly where he's going.

There's no way this idiot had more than one new idea in a week.

To the El Amor bar and brothel. There's an extra 20 U.S. cash dollars...

...if you know a shortcut.

Hey, dingo! Come on!

Yeah!

Honey, honey, honey. One more time. I will give you for free.

Just one more time. Por favor. I can't.

Five's my limit. I've got no more fluid left in me.

And I might have got... myself a little bit off track!

Hey, have you seen a little girl? Solid eight out of ten? She was...

Clive Muggleton. Shit.

I thought I told you to get off of this case.


Good morning.

I've got disease!


American government! Get out of my way!

What are you doing? You're a federal agent!

Fuck!

What's wrong? Allergic to shellfish?

As a matter of fact, I am.

It's tight. You bastard!


How about some shrimp on the Barbie?

How's that taste? How about some octopus?

You got that on the Great Barrier Reef?


Oh, my God!

It's time.

You ready? Yeah.

Let's go.

Are you okay, Marybeth?

Deep breaths, Marybeth.

Deep breaths.

I mean, I thought he was a douchebag...

...but he was the kind of douchebag that always said nice things about my bum.

That's a hell of a eulogy.

What do we do now?

Well, I guess I'll make the drop.

I'll have to do it.

But you... but you'd need to take a boat...

...and find the right location. Well, I'll be fine.

Let's see where I'm going.

All right. All I have to do is just take a boat and go from this dot thing...

...through this tunnel thing and meet this thing that looks like a...

...dildo.

Thanks for the suitcase. It was...

Do you think I can do this?

I know you can, Turk. Yeah?

Yeah. Go get your wife.

Yeah.

All right.

Hey, kid. Are you all right?

Beer. No.

It's not the time.

Maybe just one for the road.

Make it two. Yep.

Very good.

No harm will come to you...

...as long as your husband cooperates.

My life is in the hands of my husband?

Yes. It was nice knowing you.

He once wrote a self-help manual entitled Bark Yourself Happy.

It was based on the idea that, and I quote...

"...Dogs don't get depressed."

Surely your husband is a capable man.

Shit!

Clive!

Clive!

Calm down, love. No time for a stiffy.

Clive, you were... you were dead! Yeah.

What's wrong with your neck? Harding tried to break it.

I faked it.

And your eyes? Forced entry by shrimp.

Hold on. So when I... when I found you, you were alive?

Yeah. Sorry, love. You were leaning right over me. I could see straight down your top.

Couldn't bear to end it.

Crikey. Yeah, where's Turk?

Oh, he's there.

Oh, he's out of his depth.

Physically and metaphorically.

Well, what are you gonna do? Swim? You can't turn your head.

This one's for love. Also money.

All right. I'll need a pursuit vehicle.

Coming with you.

Tactical combat suit, medium, check.

Gun, check. Camouflage paint, check.

GPS, check. Grenade, check. Power bar, check.

Okay.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There you are.

All right.

Okay.

Sheila! I'm coming for you!

Can you see him? All I can see is top left sky.


The dildo. I mean, the statue.


We have got a slight problem.

Goddamn it.

I am Turk Enry!

I brought the money! It's in this horrible suitcase!

This suitcase doesn't belong to me.

Hello, kidnappers!

Hello?

You?

You couldn't do what you were told, could ya? All you had to do was nothing...

...and you couldn't even do that.

You can't kill me. I am English.

Part Spanish and technically Chilean, and I live in Malibu.

It's all very confusing, man.

Why didn't you just give me the million dollars and walk away?

Because it's not about the money! It's about my wife!

God!

Shit, shit! Shit!

You don't deserve any of this stuff that you got.

You were in a has-been rock band.

You play the bass. It's only got four strings.

God! My head!

Have a beer!

The bass is the heartbeat of a band.

Stay there! G'day, Turk.

You're dead, man! You're dead! You shouldn't be dealing with this.

I'll take it from here. Shit! Just hide!

Go! Both of you! Out!

I hope they didn't see us. Have you got an eye on Turk?

Well, that seems to be one benefit of this neck situation.

I can see perfectly around corners.

Good afternoon.

Hi.

Hey, you were supposed to come alone, man!

I was trying to, but other than these two, I am completely alone.

And him. I forgot about him.

And my M204 A5 hand grenade.

Damn it!

Shit! Get down!

Oh, yeah, the neck.

Yeah. That's a bit grubby.

Goodbye, Ben Harding. I'm sorry.

Mr. Enry, may I ask you a question? Sure.

Do you think Metal Assassin will get back together?

I don't think so. Besides, I have other projects.

No, wait, wait, wait. So you're going solo?

I am trying to, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're a true artist. You will find your new voice.

Just listen to what is in your heart.

It will tell you. Yeah.

I miss my wife.

Probably I miss her more than she misses me.

She's the most important thing in my life.

She's the glue that...

...puts together all the pieces of the person that is...

...me.

And I need to tell her that.

So that's why you... you have to give her back to me.

I love Sheila.

And Sheila loves you.

Oh, God.

Pay no heed to my erection.

I am a sex addict, but not homosexual.

Let's just...

...go.

Baby.

Are you okay?

I'm fine.

You know I may be an idiot, but...

...I know that fine is never fine.

Why should I go with you?

Well, I... I don't know.

Because I love you. Love me?

Love me? Yes.

You can barely stand to be around me since Metal Assassin broke up.

What? No. You don't need me.

You think I don't need you?

Are you kidding?

I can't do anything without you. I'm a mess.

All I've done is to think about what a total asshole I have been.

I wrote a song!

You haven't been able to write since the band broke up.

I wrote a song for you.

Prove it.

Like... like, right here? Now in... Yes, right here! Right here!

If you can't make a single gesture, then I... Goddamn it! Okay. I'll prove it.

All right?

Muchacho, I need...

Ridiculous.

All right.


It's just the chorus, but it's a start.

It's a start. Yeah.

I feel like we are having a moment here...

...but I have some news about my penis.

I've had $2.5 million vacations with fatalities before...

...but goddamn, this one was interesting, you know? Hey, Ramira.

We are gonna need... a couple of in-room massages and tons of beer.

Un momento. Let me check her schedule.

All I need is a hot shower with no one watching.

All I need is you, baby.

And oysters, caviar, and champagne. Yeah.

I don't need money. I don't need fame. I don't need John.

I'm sorry. We can't make any more charges to your room.

Your accounts have been frozen.

Marybeth, can you find John for me, please?

Bad news. John is gone.

He's drained four of his clients' bank accounts and disappeared.

Shit.

What, does that mean I don't get paid?

No. Crap.

I just... I just want to go home.

Hold on, Turk. Who exactly has been paying your mortgage?

Sheila!


Just use your phone, baby. No way.

I want this to be like my old touring days.

Besides, the data is just too expensive.

Okay.

From now on, I'm going to be your CGI.

It's not CGI. It's GPS.

Yeah. Well, that too.

And now something from my new album!

I wrote this song in a very hard time of my life.

I was alone and scared...

...and then I lost the most important thing in my life...

...the use of my penis.


And so it begins.

Thanks.

No.

No one is gonna find me here.

Well, this is very nice.

Careful when tacking. The boom is always on the move.

Sí, captain.


Baby.

Have I ever been to India?

No. Not India. No. No?

I just had a Bollywood experience.

We can go now.

Sheila is right.

These dolphins should not be caged.

Dolphins!

Come, dolphins. Come.

Swim free, sweet dolphins.

Such beautiful and gentle creatures.

Peace and love.

Time for a power bar.

Back off! Please, God!

Stop! Mine! This is my power bar!

You fuckin'... go, get off!

I will mace you!

Oh, God! It's got doll's eyes!


Yeah, that's about it. It's a beautiful place?

Oh, and I don't know if you read up on this place...

...but it used to belong to some kind of rock star.

You know what? I love it.

Congratulations, Mr... My name is Ramon.

And what did you say you do?

I have a dosa cart. Well, I used to have a dosa cart.

Now I have 3,000 dosa carts.

Yep. Things are looking up.

Well, if it isn't my favorite chica caliente!

I'm going to assume that's offensive. Listen, Clive, what's the news on John?

He got away. He got away?

We used the wrong kind of snake. Turns out all it did was make his dingle grow.

He should send me a thank you card. Anyhow, John's on the move.

The sparrow is in the sky. What?

He's hired a private jet. He's outta here.

So we've lost him? Maybe not.

Turns out masculine Harmony have a large and extremely bad-tempered second cousin.

Nice fella. Russian. So?

You know what the second cousin does? Surprise me.

He charters out a private jet.

Shouldn't you be flying the plane?

I won't fight you. Why not?

Because I'm no good at fighting.


English man.

Hey!


When it comes to umbrellas, my friend...

...never fuck with an Englishman.