Guns Akimbo (2019) Script

You sit on your computers.

Liking pictures of smiling babies.

Sharing inspirational quotes.

But what you really wanna see is death.

You click on horrific news headlines; violence, destruction, terrorism, war!

Because it makes your shitty little lives seem that little bit less shitty.

You wanna go viral?

Skizm is the virus.

What the fuck is up people!

My name is Mr. Longshot!

And I'm Daddy Doubletaps, and we're bringing you your daily dose of the death toll! Okay right now, if you're new here, real quick, what we do here is we rip off Skizm's stream to bring you our commentary

'cause we're just the fuckin' best at it!

Here we go.

Vadim versus Nix. Head to head.

Who is gonna die today?

She's driving like a fucking monster!

Nix. Nix. Nix. Nix.

Die. Fuck you.

♪ I get to know Your name ♪

♪ If I could trace Your private number, baby ♪ God damn it!

Fuck him.

♪ All I know is that to me ♪

♪ You look like you're having fun ♪ Thanks to Skizm's tech department for bringing up this footage!

Abso-fucking-lutely! Yes.

♪ You spin me right round Baby right round ♪

♪ Like a record baby Right round round round ♪ Fuck him up.

♪ You spin me right round Baby right round ♪

♪ Like a record, baby Right round round round ♪

♪ You spin me round ♪

♪ You spin me right round ♪

♪ You spin me round ♪

Nix wins.

It can be a fucked up world out there, right?

Skizm? Well that was fucked up to the point where it was threatening civilization as we know it.

It was unstoppable... until I came into the picture.

Hey. I'm Miles.

This is the story of the worst day of my life.

Dickhead. Sorry.

The day I became famous.

When I was a kid I wanted to be a hero.

A warrior.

But instead I grew up to be a nobody.

Flicking through the same three apps on my phone until it was time to sleep.

I used to work in video games.

Sounds awesome, right?

Not when you're a code monkey for a mindlessly addictive cell phone game designed to steal money from parents credit cards.

The one place I could still be a hero though was behind my keyboard.

Trolling the trolls.

Oh, shit.

Um?

Hey.

What the f... Dude!

Oh, shit, no. Don't tap. No.

Fucking...

I'm not interrupting am I? No. No, no, no. Just, uh... just checking some stuff. Hey, uh... can you sign this going away card?

Uh, yeah.

Oops.

Uh, wait. What... What is this?

We're currently downsizing personnel.

What? By how many? Just one.

I didn't... But... Hey, relax, hombre.

It's a joke!

I'm just fucking with you!

Oh, okay.

Oh, my God your face. Punk'd!

But if I catch you jerking around again... next card will be real. Got that, amigo?

Si. Yes.

Seriously can I... Can I borrow a pen?

Fuck you. Whoa!

And then one night, I hit the jackpot.

Skizm.

Another Skizm... Skizm...

Skizm... Skizm...

Skizm picked random psychos, weirdos, and criminals and made them fight each other to the death.

It was twisted and disgusting.

Lee wins.

The worst side of humanity on show.

Yes!

So, the internet fucking loved it.

Skizm!

In real life, I couldn't hurt a fly.

But behind the keys, I was the fucking Terminator.

I was the ultimate troll hunter.

I know I should have just let it go, but I couldn't resist.

Yeah.

Yeah, get angry at me.

Let's do this.

♪ Run wild ♪

♪ I'm on a mission And I won't stop ♪

♪ No destination But it's worth a shot ♪

♪ You gotta let me go ♪

♪ You gotta let me go ♪

♪ You gotta let me go ♪

♪ Run wild I'm on a mission ♪ You guys are real easy.

♪ No destination but it's worth a shot ♪

♪ You gotta let me go ♪

Okay.

What?

Who the fuck are you, dude?

Stick your dick in... a blender.


Okay.

Nova.


Yes. Of course.

♪ I don't want this to fade I've been standing alone ♪

♪ I am feeling afraid Afraid I can't let you know ♪

♪ You look at me with desire Looking straight in my eye ♪

♪ Not learning less Of what lies on ♪

♪ I'll blame it on the better days ♪

♪ I'll even blame it On your pretty face ♪

♪ 'Cause baby I can't see ♪ Hope you like it. It's permanent.

I love it. Seriously, Seriously, why are you not doing comics for a living?

Right, just quit my job and be another artist living on Ramen, soaked in my own tears.

I don't care, you should just do it, your stuff is awesome.

I haven't nailed my super hero yet.

What do you mean? That! You!

This guy? This handsome guy right here?

Um.

Uh, okay, well what about, like, uh...

I've pitched this before... Oh, God, don't.

...but Man-Man.

He's a man who was bitten by a radioactive man.

And he gets superhuman powers of manliness.

I mean... "My man sense is tingling."

Look, don't worry, okay?

This... This is not another story about a nerd trying to get the girl like she's an Xbox achievement to be unlocked.

Coming.

This is not a love story.

Uh...

Hi, I... I think you have the wrong apartment.

What the fuck. Who the fuck are you?

Well, there he is. Big Man.

You scared yet?

Oh, fuck. What, that comment? No. No. Shit, no.

That... That... That was just a very dumb joke that I... I... I did not mean.

Uh, can we just, like, forget about it?

Oh, sheesh. This is insane, right?

We're being, like, total dicks here.

Why don't I just head off and you... you have a pleasant evening, dude.

Oh, what, really?

Oh, God. Just out of warranty.

Whoops-a-daisy. Butterfingers.

Now, your busy little hands they need to be taught a lesson.

No, no, no, no, no! Please don't smash my hands.

No, no, I really like using them.

No, relax, Miles. We didn't come here to smash your hands.

Why did you tell me to bring a hand smashing-hammer then?

I got something even better planned for you.

Knock his ass out.

Wait, no, no. Seriously guys, you don't need to do this to me. I... I'm...

Shit!

That usually knocks 'em cold!

Jesus Christ.

What?

What?


Fuck, fuck, fuck!

What?


Fun factoid: gun shots are way louder than in the movies.

In real life, Rambo would not be killing guerilla fighters, he would be learning sign language.


Oh, God damn, I missed you, oxygen.


And you have 24 hours to kill her.

If you fail, you die.

Try to leave the city, you die.

Succeed, we let you in.

What the fuck is Nix?

♪ Oh, it's been getting so hard ♪

♪ Living with the things you do to me ♪

♪ My dreams are getting so strange ♪

♪ I'd like to tell you everything I see ♪

♪ Oh, I see a man at the back As a matter of fact ♪

♪ His eyes are as red as the sun ♪

♪ And the girl in the corner Let no one ignore her ♪

♪ Cause she thinks she's the passionate one ♪

♪ Oh yeah! ♪

♪ It was like lightning, Everybody was fighting ♪

♪ And the music was soothing And they all started grooving ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ And the man in the back said everyone attack ♪

♪ And it turned into a ballroom blitz ♪

♪ And the girl in the corner Said boy I want to warn you ♪

♪ It'll turn into a ballroom blitz ♪

♪ Ballroom blitz ♪

♪ Ballroom blitz ♪

♪ Ballroom blitz ♪

Nix wins.

There we go, that's another win for Nix against Gask.

And that takes her to the top of the leaderboard.

Yeah, again are we really surprised?

Yeah, Nix. I love you.

Nix!

...an apparent drug heist, leaving 26 dead.

Police have now zeroed in on Nix Degraves as the sole suspect.

Degraves was found criminally insane at age 13.

She recently escaped from a maximum-security facility and has since gained notoriety as one of the most successful contestants of the underground fight club, Skizm.

She is heavily armed and extremely dangerous.

This is good.


Detective Garret, please report to the Captain's office.

Are you fucking kidding me?


Okay.

Careful.

Jesus Christ.

Oh, thank God.

Wow. Doesn't matter, just don't shoot yourself in the dick.

Okay.


Woah! No! No!

No!

No! No, no, no!

Fuck, fuck, fuck!

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

Damn it.

Oh, God!

Fuck!

Nice fap-cave. You shot me!

You actually fucking shot me?

Okay, please. I... I...

I don't want anything to do with Skizm.

Okay, I'm... I'm... I'm not a fighter.

I'm a nobody.

Yeah. Why are you dual wielding pieces then, Mister Hard boiled?

Oh, these? No, no, no. These... See? They drugged me and they drilled these onto my hands.

Like right through my... Shit.

I... I think I need some antiseptic or something.

They're all... They're all red and sore.

Oh, that's rough, fuck boy. So, how about you and me, we can just, like, truce things out and you can stop destroying my things.

Or just, like, shoot around the really rare stuff?

Okay. Here's what we'll do.

Take a few minutes.

Breathe. Relax. Okay.

And then go take a shit because there's nothing worse than shooting a poop-filled corpse.

It's like a hitting a turd piñata.

After, I'll just sit you down nice and easy and shoot you in the fucking brain stem.

Fuck!

Shit! What the fuck?

Fuck!

And we're back, ladies and gentlemen.

A brand-new match, the new guy Miles Harris...

Who is that, Lily? Never heard of him.

This Miles Harris kid is a joke.

Man, I can't even remember the last time I walked outside without my face in my phone.

Everything looks so HD.

Oh, hey! Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, I need help! Someone's trying to kill me!

Hey, drop your guns. Oh, right. Shit.

Drop 'em now! No, no, no. Please.

No!

Will they take out Miles? What the fuck is he doing?

We can all say, give Miles Harris a salute, I think.

Mom used to say, always wear clean underwear in case you get in an accident.

I'm going to add her to the list of people I let down.

You think he's a crack head? Definitely.

Hey! Dispatch. We have a 918.

Suspect is armed and dangerous.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I can't believe it, but we actually have a show for you today, Miles is running from the fucking cops!

Look at him. Running like a bitch.

Freeze!

I'm gonna shoot! Please don't!

Freeze! Stop now!

Oh, no.

Idiot.

Oh, no. Oh, shit.

No, sir. Oh, God.

Are you... Are you okay?

Oh, God no you're not.

Whoa, fuck. Fuck. No, no, no, no.

These... These... These are just my hands.

You're fine. You're fine. I'm not going to do anything else to you. I'm sorry.

Just try... Just lie and hold that, okay?

Okay. I'm sure they're coming for you right now.

Oh, yeah they are. Okay, I have to go now.

Bye. Bye-bye. Shit.


Sorry, sorry.

Nova. Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, no.

Nova, wait. Wait, wait, wait.

No.

Nova. Nova.

Holy shit.

Hey. Miles?

Oh. Oh, God.

I'm sorry I'm late. Alarms and stuff.

Shit.

Go. Drive now. Relax. Relax.

You have to drive. I'm not driving anywhere until you chill.

Okay, cool. I'm cool.

Go to 7th and Shadwell, give me Miles.

So...

Unsure how to broach this, I can't help but notice you aren't wearing pants.

Oh, yes. Yeah.

No there was a fire alarm at my apartment.

I got locked out of my building. Mondays, right?

I feel ya! It's actually Thursday, though.

Do you still have one of my spare inhalers?

Uh, maybe. Check my handbag. Down there.

Uh, could you just grab it for me?

I was up all night, last night coding. I have terrible RSI.

Right. Some vigorous coding.

Yeah.

Here. Oh, I'm sorry, could you do it?

Right. Thanks.

Oh, shit, thank you.

Okay? Yeah.

Why don't you hold onto that. Oh, yeah, thanks.

It's really good to see you. This was a mistake.

Oh. Okay. I shouldn't have messaged you.

I'll drop you home. No. No. Please don't.

I can't go back there right now, it's very crazy for me.

How about we just hang at your place?

No. Miles, You just need to move on.

Oh. I mean, why don't you just meet someone new, I don't know.

Okay, I mean...

Here's the thing. I kind of did meet somebody new.

Oh? Do... Do I know her? Uh...

What's her name? Her name is Nix and she's actually trying to kill me.

So, these guys from Skizm came to my house last night, they're making me fight her.

Skizm? Mm-hmm.

Miles, you joined Skizm? Yes...

No. No. No way. What is wrong with you?

I did not join.

Are you out of your freaking mind?

No, no, no. I did not join. They're forcing... Okay, um...

Can I... Can I show you something?

But you have to promise me to be cool with it.

Sure.

Okay, just be prepared, all right? Don't freak.

Do I look like I'm freaking?

Okay, this is fair warning. Okay.

What the fuck, Miles?

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Fuck! What's wrong with you?

I said don't freak out! God!

Put me through to the police.

Nova!

Nova!

I've never seen anything like this in the history of Skizm.

Look, Miles Harris just jumped into a fucking clothes bin!

This guy is absolute trash.

I really like this, this is fucking unbelievable.

Keep those comments coming in everybody, let us know what you think's gonna happen next.

That's enough, cut to camera four.

Cutting to four. Stay on Miles.

It's an inanimate fucking clothing bin.

Hardly must-see TV.

Can you just let me do my job?

I'm directing here.

Do what he says. How do you even breathe with that stupid gimp mask on?

Whoa, don't make ol' Fuckface take his mask off, you might not sleep so well afterwards.

Look, just let me do my thing. Okay?

You do yours.

Stand around looking like end-level bosses from Streets of Rage.

You couldn't direct my cock into a top hat, you talentless piece of shit.

Having trouble breathing?

This is good, get a camera.

Get this on camera. This is good.

Hurry up and get a fucking camera!

Is this on panorama? How do we get it back to video?

Swipe at the bottom.

Oh, shit the app just crashed. Hurry the fuck up.

Jesus, Dane! This is great!

Go to seven.

Well, either he'll run and die, he'll fight and die, or he'll puss out and die.

Just as long as the viewers enjoy the show.

Oh, Miles.

We know you're in there.


Fuck.

Fuck! Fuck this!

Fuck everything.

I wouldn't do that if I was you.

Why shouldn't I? Huh?

Why shouldn't I? Well, the angle's all wrong.

You won't hit your brain.

You'll just end up blowing your damn face off.

Oh. Okay, thanks.

And then you'll still be depressed.

Even more depressed probably, because of your fucked-up face.

Try and angle it right to the rear, base of the head.

Okay.

Okay, you know way too much about this.

Just trying to be helpful, man.

Hey, look this is going to sound really fucking weird, but could you help dress me?

I have guns bolted to my hands.

This whole deal.

Yeah, you're right. That does sound pretty fucking weird.

Oh, sorry.

Turn it off. I've seen enough.

Seems like your boyfriend's got himself into some pretty deep shit.

None of this makes sense. I mean, this isn't Miles.

That's all Nova, you're free to go.

That's it? Well, obviously if he calls you, you get in touch with us right away, okay?

Look, Miles has issues but he's a good guy.

Just bring him in alive, okay?

Well, we'll do our best.

Hack her phone. Have her followed 24/7.

Oh, come on.

You really think he's gonna make contact?

Nix is after this guy, we need to get to him first.

You want a double bow on that buddy or?

Uh, that should be fine, thanks.

Fuck, brother, it sounds like you're in some deep shit.

Yeah, I just... I... I can't face violence.

You know, not... not in real life.

Hey, you don't have anything to eat, do you?

Well, let's have a look at the pantry.

Oh, here we go. Half a cold hotdog.

Um, you don't have a vegetarian option, do you?

So, you don't believe in violence or eating meat. I don't like, uh, contributing to the suffering in the world, I guess.

Well, that's a great philosophy man.

But most people in the world, they just eat whatever they can get.

And it's one thing to say you can't face violence.

But when it faces you, you better be ready.

You a Citrus Hill fan? Who?

♪ When the shit goes down You better be ready ♪

♪ You better be ready ♪ Right, yeah. Yeah.

Okay, fuck it. Can you just push it into my mouth?

Seriously? I just fucking dressed you, now you want me to feed you?

What's next, you want me to wipe your arse?

That could be really useful... Don't even talk about it.

Okay.

Ah! Fuck! Ah! So close.

That's still you know, 10 second rule.

Yup. Okay.

That's it, yeah.

Yeah, channel your animal side.

You're gonna need it.

Cause it's a dog eat dog world out here.

What kind of meat did they make that from?

I don't know but it's been in here for 8 months.

Good to finally get rid of it.

Hey, you don't happen to know anything about GPS tracking, do you?

Pretty sure I'm being bugged.

Oh, I see how it is.

You assume because I'm homeless, I don't know nothing about dumb stupid GPS tracking bullshit.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that.

For all you know, I could be a savant programmer who got screwed after my startup went bust.

I'm so sorry. Are you?

What? No!

I spend all of my time getting fucked up on a bunch of crack.

Oh. Good for you. Wanna smoke some crack?

Ahh... Yes.

I'm good. The... The hotdog was... was enough.


Hey. Watch it, asshole.

Shit. Fuck it's you.

Hey, why don't you stop running, Edward Gun-hands?

Psst. Hey.

Fuck, dude. What the hell?

Where've you been all day? Zander is pissed.

I'm in some trouble, man. I think I'm being tracked.

By? Don't worry about that.

Just... If you were gonna stalk someone, how would you do it?

Okay, who told you I was stalking them?

Was it Laura? Because she's a liar.

No, no, no. No. Dude, focus. How would you track me?

Easiest way, malware on your cell, you could do it remotely.

You have it on you? Ah, yeah.

Yeah, I do, I just... Um, yeah, it's in my front jeans pocket.

Can you just grab it? No. Fuck, no.

Just pass the phone dude. I can't.

I just... There was a... I... glued my hands inside my jacket.

You did both of your hands.

Mm-hmm. How is that possible?

No, I know. It was... It was really complicated.

There were holes in the inside of my pockets, so I just glued them together and then I put the jacket on and I forgot and I got drunk and I fell asleep with my hands in my pockets. And now, here we are.

Just... No, no, no. I'm not... no.

I don't want to. Stop being a dick about it, just stick your fingers in there. Come on.

Jesus Christ!

Oh, God, it's deep in there.

It's so tight. Oh, man.

Oh, it's still warm from your thigh.

Beginning.

Okay, okay, so?

This is not Hackers dude, okay?

This search will take a while. Hours, you know, maybe...

Malware found. Oh, it's done.

This is some advanced shit. Okay, can you delete it?

Of course I can. Unless you want to able to reactivate it later?

We could set up a quick app so you could flick it on.

No. No. Just get rid of it. Um...

Okay, yeah, no, that could be handy, do that one.

Hey, Miles.

Zander. So, it's 4:00 p.m.

And you come in looking like complete shit.

You on drugs?

You speed-balling the NDNA straight into your eyeballs?

I've been sick. Okay? Sick?

You okay little man?

Why don't you take the rest of the day off, huh?

Or you could just fuck the fuck off forever.

Cops are looking for you.

Seems like you're in some deep shit now.

I always knew you were a fuck-up.

Let me go. What you gonna do? Take me on?

You gonna hit me, amigo? You El Loco?

Oh, shut the fuck up! Stop pretending you speak fucking Spanish, you fucking idiot! Okay, I'm sorry, please don't kill me. You put me down every time I come in that door, you docked my pay for attending my mother's funeral, and you hit on my girlfriend in front me!

I am so sick of you and all of your fucking shit!

Fuck you! And fuck that fucking chipmunk!

Squirrel.

Fuck. I'm... I'm sorry.

Just stop being a dick, okay?

Oh, my God.

♪ You spin me right round, Baby right round ♪

♪ Like a record, baby, Right round round round ♪

♪ You spin me right 'round Baby... ♪ Fuck.

♪ Right 'round round round ♪

♪ You spin me right round Baby right round ♪

♪ Like a record, baby right round round round ♪ My phone. Stick it in my pocket.

Really? Yes, really! Fucking do it.

You know, you lied to me. You said you glued your hands.

Boo.

I need to get out of here. You cover me.

Fucking cover you? Wait, what am I going to do, cap her ass with a staple gun?

Mistakes were made...

I mean seriously, round of a-fucking-plause for Nerf guy.

He's my new favorite I gotta say, I gotta say.

Here we see, the little bitches, emerging from their cave after doing jack shit.

Yoo-hoo. This is becoming a fucking legendary match here.

Miles Harris, the fucking newbie on the block... Oh, here go.

Hey, stop. Get out of the car.

Please. Come on. Please, get out.

Thank you.

Thank you very much, sorry.

Oh, fuck...

Oh, come on!

No.

Oh, shit.

Fucker! Sorry.

This is good.

Oh, shit.

Stop shooting at me!

Go on! Fucking yeah!

Suck it, loser.

Oh. Uh, no, dude...

What're you... What're you doing?

No. Jesus, that's not... No!

Oh, Jesus Christ!

Shit.


Did I win?


Uh, Jesus.

Stop running, you little chicken shit.

Fuck!

Think you're fucking fast, ain't ya?

Fuck. Well that shot was pathetic.

All right, I'm just saying this because I'm honestly so fucking embarrassed for you, relax your damn arms, elbow slightly bent nearly straight.

Shut up. And those two little sight things on the barrel aren't just for decoration you know.

Shut up. Stop trying to help me.

Oh, fuck.

Congratulations. I think you've just discovered a whole new level of retardation.

That word is not okay.

It's okay if you shoot like one.

Fuck off. Please. Just leave me alone.

Okay, I haven't done anything to you.

I gotta kill you. Every cop in the country is looking to end me, so... Yeah, that's not my fault!

Skizm said they would wipe my slate clean after I bury your ass. Oh, that's what they told you?

What, so you're just like their minion?

What, like those yellow butt plug things from the movies?

No. No, I mean you're like their... their lackey.

I'm no one's lackey.

God damn you.


Fuck.

Hey.

Hey, sir! Madam! Ma'am! Fuck.

Hey! Excuse me, please!

No, no, no!

I mean, I get it.

Miles? Hey.

Oh, my God. Are you okay? You're like...

You're all over the news, what are you doing running around with guns, like a crazy person?

They bolted these things to my hands, is what I was trying to tell you.

"Bolted"? What do you mean "bolted"?

I mean like they went to town on my hands with some Home Depot supplies.

Oh, fuck, you were trying to tell me in the car.

Yeah. Yeah I did.

Look, Miles, the cops are looking for you.

Okay, just... Just turn yourself in.

They'll protect you. I can't.

I'm actually... I'm just leaving town.

I just called to say, goodbye and, uh... thanks. Thanks?

For being with me, for making me a much better person.

Don't say that.

You were always that person.

I don't know what trouble you're in but you can't keep running from...

Nova! Hello?

Oh, hello.

I'm sorry but Nova can't come to the phone right now.

Oh, fucking you again. Leave Nova out of this.

Shut your fucking whine hole and fight.

You need to get your head out of your ass, Miles, and grow a set of balls.

Now, you got five hours to kill Nix.

Otherwise we're gonna let Dane here start cutting pieces off your bitch.

Hey! Oh, ho, ho!

Are you on Instagram?

Add me and I'll send you updates.

Just run, Mil...!

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Okay, think.

No, no, come on, think, think, think.

♪ When the shit goes Down ya better be ready ♪

♪ When the shit goes down ♪

♪ When the shit goes down ♪

♪ Ya better be ready ♪ Activated.

♪ When the shit goes down ya better be ready ♪

911 what's your emergency?

Uh, hello, my name is Miles Harris, I think the police are looking for me.

Can you tell them I know where Nix is going to be in like 10 minutes.

They will know what that means.

Okay. Sir, please stay on the line. Bye-bye, Nix.

Hello, are you still there?

I hope it's a quick death.

Or not, actually.

♪ Pockets on flat with the gat ♪

♪ Rollin around nine Deuce Cadillac ♪

♪ Still got my homies To watch my back ♪

♪ And they'll smoke ya ass If ya wanna come chat ♪

♪ That's why some pigs And the kids come sweatin' ♪

♪ They follow a hollow point Shells hard to swallow ♪

There you go, bro.

That shit'll make your pubes go straight Who the fuck is this dick wad?

I'm nobody! I'm just leaving. Uh...

What the fuck! You trying to fuck us?

What the fuck did you just say? What the fuck is in your mouth, I can't understand a fucking word.

You trying to fuck us?

I'm not trying to fuck you, Grim!

I don't know this shit head!

And how do I know you're not trying to fuck us?

I'm not here to fuck anybody, guys!

I'm just... I'm just gonna go.

Stay the fuck where you are!

Okay.

I will bust you right in the mouth!

What do we do then?

Uh, you know what, guys, actually things are about to get really crazy here, we should all bail.

Shut the fuck up! Shut the fuck up!

Sit the fuck down, little asshole!

Okay, Grim...

We both shoot him in the face at the same time.

Wait! What?

On the count of three, ready?

One! Oh no, no, no. Please!

Two! Wait!

Six! Nine! Eight! Twenty-seven!

Five! Eleven-teen!

Oh, shit...

Who the fuck is this crazy whore?

Oh, God! You've killed us all.

Hey, thrift-store-leather-daddy!

Suck my clit!

No one is killing fuck boy here.

Yay!

Except me, of course! Oh.

♪ Please let me go, Everybody want us to know ♪

♪ Mali people Will live again now ♪

♪ Around the world ♪

♪ On Saturday ♪ Fuck!

♪ Closed away ♪

♪ Celebration on me one day ♪

♪ For sure, around the world ♪ God damn, that sound gives me such a hard on.


Little fucker!

Fuck.

Oh, shit!


No re-spawns, no one-ups, no extra lives.

I just killed this fucking guy.


Those things, they hurt? What do you think?

Skizm do that?

Yes, Skizm did that, you think I did this to myself?

I guess drilling the second one in would be a little difficult.

How do we proceed?

Oh, you know what, I got an idea about that.

How about we take these fucking things off my hands!

Look, they have my girlfriend, okay?

My ex... ex-girlfriend.

Whatever. Just let me help you, please.

Okay, thank you.

Oh, uh, detective, you missed the turn off.

We ain't headed to the hospital anymore.

What? Why not?

Nix is after you, right?

We're after Nix.

Change of plan, sweetheart.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! So I'm just bait now?

That seems very not legal for police officers.

Miles I want to tell you a story about my wife.

Ah, I don't give a shit about your wife.

Sorry, dude, can we get these fucking things off my hands?

Sixteen years ago, I'm chasing this gang.

Right? I bust 'em.

Their leader was this psychopathic little dirt bag covered in tattoos.

Went by the name of Riktor.

Now I gots the bad guys, that's my job, I'm a cop.

But Riktor... he takes it very personally.

He makes bail, they track my wife and kids...

Yeah, that's it.

Burn, baby, burn.

I managed to get my daughter out.

My wife and son were gone.

Nix was gone too in a different way.

Wait, Nix is your daughter?

Tried to get her the help she needed.

But it was never enough.

She's my flesh and blood, I have to stop her.

Uh-oh, looks like Miles has been taken away by the pigs.

I mean, seriously, generally such a disappointment.

Hey!

You look like a fighter. Hmm?

Maybe you could be our next player.

The cops are watching my house, idiot.

They would have followed you, they probably have the place surrounded already!

The cops? Yeah.

Surrounded?

Oh, my God, I think I'm gonna do a poo-poo in my pantaloons!

The actual cops?

Oh, my God! The cops!

Who the fuck do you think owns the fucking cops?

What? Dane, kill the drones.

Yes, boss!

We need to keep our cover.

Hang on, I think we just lost the stream ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, we're gonna get this back. We're gonna get this back.

Hey, Stanton, where the fuck are we?

Fuck!

Fuck! Holy shit, dude!

What the actual fuck?

Is that look supposed to fucking explain something?

People keep fucking dying on me!

What the... Okay, fuck.

Yes! Okay.

Stop your whining, you millennial piece of shit!

What the fuck are you doing?

Hey there, big guy!

Rule number 1. Do not, I repeat do not, under any circumstances talk to the fucking pigs!

You got that?

Now we should get Stanton there to give you an extreme makeover with the butt of his Glock!

But I see something in you, Miles, you know?

Potential.

So I've decided to give you... another chance.

Fuck you! Where's Nova?

It's pre-recorded asshole! Oh!

Welcome to the lightening round!

Somewhere in this city, we've got your bitch!

You've got 30 minutes, that is 30 minutes to kill Nix.

Or we take Nova apart piece by fucking piece!

No!

Put a filter on that, make me look good.

It might have been a bit over the top.

Fuck!

Nova...

Boom.

Happy hunting, shit head.

Huh, bullet proof vest.

It did not help much.

Hey!

Password is telefrak. Uh, T-E-L-E-F-R-A... yeah, K, you got it.

Yeah, click there, Nova's iPhone.

Girlfriend know you're stalking her?

Ex, actually, and it's none of your business.

Okay, Warwick and 7th.

Great, thank you.

Oh, shit! What?

You're him, right?

Guns Akimbo dude!

You're famous!

Look at those numbers!

Seven million viewers and counting!

You're the most watched Skizm contestant ever!

That many people are watching me?

I've never seen anything like it!

Hey, can I get a selfie? Yeah, sure.

Let her go!

I'll fight Nix! Just please, let her go!

No!

Quit your running and fight, or you're next.

Whoo!

Shit!

Nova.

My ex.

She dyed her hair to look like a sunrise.

Always somehow smelled of incense and freshly opened packs of gum.

Oh, shit, Hadley.

The list of people I've let down is getting longer by the minute.

Suddenly, I knew what to do.

Now I could end this once and for all.

Activated.


Your tracker's back on.

Neat location, by the way.

What, you couldn't find a classic rooftop for your final showdown, fuckboy?

God! Stop calling me fuckboy, okay?

I don't even know what that means!

Whoa...

I thought we were going to talk it out for a bit?

Exchange some banter.

Some obligatory pre-gunfight foreplay.

You want to get straight to the shooting?

No. No, look I need your help.

My help?

Skizm is going to kill us both!

Together we might have a chance.

You know, let's... Let's team up.

I got a much better chance if I'm with you.

I know that. So, you in?

Um...

well, no.

Yes! Yes!

Yabba-dabba-do!

Fuck yeah!

Guns Akimbo dude was here.

I met him!

Oh!

No!

This is so unfair!

It's just a game, bro. It's just a game.

Yes! Serves you right, asshole!

And that is Miles out of the game.

Well that took longer than I thought.

Let's go get some cocaine!

Miles Harris...

I'm not happy! Oh!

That's some bullshit, I'm sorry but that's fucking bullshit!

No, that's the game of Skizm, man!

No, no. I really started to like the fucking guy!

Fuck the game! God damn it!

That's Skizm for you. Miles...

Get a cleanup squad on Miles's body.

Get a squad on Nix too!

Ice that fucking bitch!

Oh!

I know!

He did his best.

But you know... sometimes, even when you do your best, it's just not good enough.

Just pitching here, but, uh, chainsaws or nail guns?

Which way were you leaning, huh?


Any plans tonight? Finally gonna catch up on The Walking Dead. The Walking Dead?

Can't stand that. Just too violent.

Man, you kill people for a living.

So what? You think a cook goes home and watches Master Chef?


If you want to walk out of here, with all of your limbs, you should stop pointing guns at me!

This was your idea, fuck boy!

Nice! Gotta love that Kevlar! Not nice!

That hurts like shit!

You only had to shoot me once! Remember?

Don't shoot me, I know who killed your family.

What the fuck did you just say?

He's the head of Skizm. Okay, his name is Riktor.

Bald guy, covered in tattoos. That was him, right?

Okay so my... my theory is he saw you escape from prison and decided to put you in the game in case you tried to get revenge.

You're full of shit!

They killed your dad, too.

He's right there.


You stubborn old bastard.

So, um, hi...

Sorry, don't know why I said it like that.

Look if you're not going to shoot yourself, or me, then I have a plan, It is kinda fucked up and totally suicidal, but it might work.

You get to kill Riktor, I find Nova.

But we have to work together.

All right?

I like that you're not pointing that at me anymore.

That's a good... Okay...

We can work on that.

You only need to shoot me one time!

Really important. Just one... right in the...

Once. Okay, you got that?

I don't feel like you're listening to me.

Just one.

One shot.

I think my ribs are broken.

Definitely have internal bleeding.

Cool, um, do you wanna sit here and cry about it?

Like a little bitch?

Or do you wanna go shoot a bunch of people in the face?

Oh, hell yes.

The face shooting one, not the... not the crying.

Right on. Right on.

That sucks. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Just go. Come on, look.

Me? Why do I have to go first?

Open the fucking door. I'm not exactly great at opening doors right now. Go on.

Honestly I still don't trust you.

You might shoot me in the back.

I promise that when I do shoot you it'll be in the front.

You have already shot me like a dozen times.

I feel bullets rattling inside me when I walk.

Well... What the hell?

♪ I'm a real wild one ♪

♪ Well I'm just out of school Like I'm real, real cool ♪

♪ Gotta dance like a fool Got the message ♪

♪ That I've gotta be A wild one ♪

♪ Oh yeah I'm a wild one ♪

♪ Got to break it loose Gotta keep them movin' wild ♪

♪ Gotta keep a swingin', baby I'm a real wild child ♪

♪ I'm a real wild one And I like wild fun ♪

♪ In a world gone crazy Everything seems hazy ♪

♪ I'm a wild one ♪

♪ Oh yeah I'm a wild one ♪

♪ Got to break it loose Gonna keep them movin' wild ♪ Hey, sir! It's Miles and Nix!

They're in the building! It's a clusterfuck!

Yeah, and? What the fuck you telling me for?

Get the dead squad on it!

I can't. Well why not?

They're dead. They're dead?

Well that's not ideal.

Patch the monitor feeds to the security cameras now!

This is not happening.

Oh, my God, it's back on!

It's going down.

Oh, fantastic.

I'm gonna lose my fucking temper, this is...

Effie! Dane! Do your thing!

Fuck them up!

Nix and Miles! They need to die!

They need to fucking die!

Suck on this, bitch!

Really, another dick shot?

Oh, God damn it, please.

Why do you have to keep doing that?

What, I would have shot you in the dick if the target wasn't so small!

It just seems a little excessive.

You know, you could go dick shot, then head shot, then dick shot. Just mix it up a little, something.

It's basically a public service.

Oh! Don't do it again! God.

Uh, you know, I don't... I don't like it, I don't like it. It's just some dick blood.

Miles?


What was he thinking? Yeah, never bring a spork to a gun fight, man.

What are you doing?

Trying to find where they're holding Nova.

Oh, God damn, this comment section.

It's like YouTube but worse.

No, it's about the same.

"I hope someone ices that Nix bitch and tea bags her corpse."

That settles that, I'm going to find every last one of those little trolls and beat them to death with their keyboards. You are fucking animals, you know that right.

You like this, you like watching people suffer?

You like watching people get hunted?

If you didn't watch they wouldn't exist you pathetic sick fuck!

Fuck you, dude.

Who the fuck is this guy, huh? What the fuck.

Hear, hear. Good, good.

Wish you had more volume.

Intense. Feel better now?

You got that out of your system?

Whoa, holy shit. What?

Look, Riktor, he's trying to expand Skizm.

He's like building it into a global franchise.

Can you actually just like, send this to my Gmail?

It's funnier watching. Oh, God.

Fuck you, man.

Oh, holy shit! Damn, nice AA-12!

Fuck. These things?

Yes! Yeah, I shelled out for the deep black PVD coating.

But, now I kinda regret not going with the UCP style camo.

Oh, no you're crazy. She's crazy.

You totally own it. Seriously.

Thank you. Yeah, you know your weapons.

You know, shooting dip shits in the head is life.

Well, um, I better, you know.

Right, yeah. Do your thing. It was nice to meet you.

Go! Go!

Woo!

Watch the last step! It's a doozie!

Whoo.

Oh.

Someone didn't skip leg day.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Don't pull my hair.

Whoa! Whoo!

Fuck!

Friday night just got really lonely!

Just stay still and die, you fucking coward.

I really don't want to though.

Fuck!

Oh, shit!

Whoo!

Didn't even hurt.

Stop! Hammer time!

A bullet proof vest isn't gonna save you from a head shot.

Do you know what your problem is?

You need to smile more.

Let's give you a nice... wide... juicy grin.

I have the power!

It's time to realign your chakras.

♪ She's a very kinky girl ♪

♪ The kind you don't take home to mother ♪ Enough.

I think I just heard a ball pop.

Are they meant to pop?

You don't like fire?

Do ya, huh?

Let's burn together, baby!

Whoo!

Fool!

Don't shoot him!

Yeah. Chopper on the roof.

No. Just two seats.

No, everyone else is dead.

Why does everything have to be so fucking stressful, hmm?

You know, they say that sometimes a nice little stroll can help to clear the head.

Come on, let's go. Get off me!

That's it, that's it.

Fuck!

Hey.

You good?

Did you not hear me say don't shoot?

Woah...

Yeah, you pull off the Rocky look real well at least.

What? What is that?

What are you trying to do? Shit!

Oh right...

Hey, no, no, no. You gotta put that on ice.

Come on, we gotta fix this.

Oh, shit.

I wasted all my bullets on Sid Dickless.

Riktor's got Nova somewhere, I can't find her.

Have you learned nothing from video games?

If you see enemies...

You jump on their heads and they give you coins?

No, fuck wad! It means we're going the right way. Come on let's find some more bad guys to shoot. Okay.

Hey!

Where the fuck are you going, asshole?

The action's back this way!

Wait, you want me to go out there and get my face shot off?

Are you out of your fucking mind?

Cops will be swarming this place!

This shit is over!

It's not over until I say it's over, you fucking traitor!

Traitor?

Without me, you would be nothing!

I mean, look at you!

You look like someone tried to paint a worn-out dildo with a fucking Sharpie! Ah, that hurts.

Face it, Riktor. This is the end.

Look at him go! He's like a wounded deer.

Go Bambi's mom, go!

Kill them!

Was this the right way?

No we fucked up!

Far too many bad guys! Oh, God.

Fuck.

Oh, shit.

What the hell are we going to do?

Come out, come out wherever you are.

Come on, get it.

Hey! Hey!

You want to know a secret?

Fuck you!

This was never about the money.

This is about art.

Murder is art.

This one...

This is a Jackson Pollock.

Ah!

Overcompensating much?

Where the fuck are you going?

Get up!

Get the fuck up!

You know, you really need to cheer the fuck up.

Are you not even a little bit excited about going in a chopper with me?

You wanna know how I survived this long?

I don't know, Nix, by being crazy as fuck?

I didn't want to give any fucker the satisfaction... of killing me.

Just kill Riktor for me.

Okay, mouse?

Get the fuck out here so I can shoot you!

Wait. No, wait!

No!

Nix!


Fuck.

Come back here.

Where'd you think you're going?

Get up there. Come on.


Oh, shit! Oh...

Fuck! Nova!

Nova!

Miles! Miles!

"Miles!"

There you are.

What took you so long, hmm?

You made it all this way.

I even got you a rooftop for the showdown!

Nix is dead, it's over!

Let Nova go!

Oh, finally!

I should have ordered a fucking Uber!

Okay, okay and we're back.

We've got our stream back, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh, thank fuck!

Let's just see how this ends, I guess.

Oh, yeah.

Ten million concurrent viewers, Miles.

You have just made Skizm history!

You are somebody!

I took... a worthless piece of shit and I molded it into steel!

I made you, Miles.

You should be down on your fucking knees thanking me!

Oh, fuck you man!

All you did was ruin my hands, and give me a criminal record.

I never wanted any of this!

Don't give me that goody-goody bullshit!

What were you doing on the Skizm site to begin with?

Hey?

Admit it, you wanted to feel something.

You wanted to... to... to hunt like a man.

You wanted to be somebody!

Yesterday you were fucking miserable!

Now, look at yourself.

You're alive!

Yeah, I am.

And that's more than I can say for you.

Oh.

Hey, man, nice shot!

Fuck.

No!

Oh, that's a better one.

He's down! He's down!

Oh, relax will ya?

Come on, Miles.

No.

Nova!

Just fucking die!

Oh, for fuck's sake. He just took three fucking bullets!

Get him!

♪ ...fighting for you ♪

♪ Driven by desire ♪

♪ Glory calls, It's waitin' for ya ♪

♪ When they try to break you down ♪

♪ You can take it ♪

♪ That don't shake you ♪

♪ When your back's against the wall ♪

♪ The thrill of the fight's... ♪ You were nothing. I made you, Miles.

I made you a fucking star!

♪ Never say die ♪

♪ You got the heart of a hero ♪

♪ Never surrender ♪

♪ The will to survive ♪

♪ You're standin' strong in the eye of a storm ♪

♪ Something keeps pushing you on ♪

♪ To never surrender ♪

♪ Never surrender ♪

You think killing me is going to change anything?

There are others!

Skizm's a global franchise now!

We're going to be the Starbucks of murder!

The McDonald's of massacre! Yeah!

We'll be the Burger King of badness!

Nix says, "fuck you!"

Miles. No! No! Please!

Oh!

♪ ...fight to the end And you'll take it all ♪

♪ Never surrender ♪

♪ Never say die ♪

♪ Never surrender ♪

♪ It's only a matter of time ♪

♪ Never surrender ♪

♪ Never Surrender ♪

♪ Never say die ♪

♪ Don't stop ♪

♪ Never surrender ♪

♪ Got the will to survive ♪

♪ Never surrender ♪

♪ Don't stop never surrender ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ It's called hemorrhagic shock.

It's just my body shutting down from... yeah, massive, massive blood loss.

Sorry for the fake out.

I mean, I did kill Riktor. That was real.

I just didn't get the girl.

You see, in real life, watching your ex pistol whip some guy's teeth out gives you PTSD.

Not a raging lady boner.

Thanks for tuning in everyone.

We've been Death Tolled and, um, remember to like... like and comment.

Some people stopped watching Skizm that night.

But many, many more took their place.

Nova, well she finally found her superhero.

He stands up and fights to make the world a better place.

Skizm didn't go away.

They spread, just like Riktor said.

And that means I still have a job to do.

And I know where they live.

It is a fucking jungle out there!

And as a great man once told me...

♪ When the shit goes down Ya better be ready ♪

♪ When the shit goes down Ya better be ready ♪

♪ When the shit goes down ♪ ♪ When the shit goes down ♪

♪ Ya better be ready ♪

♪ When the shit goes down ♪ ♪ When the shit goes down ♪

♪ Ya better be ready ♪ ♪ Ya better be ready ♪

♪ When the shit goes down Ya better be ready ♪

♪ When the shit goes down ♪ ♪ When the shit goes down ♪

♪ Ya better be ready ♪

♪ I told the boyz Get the sawed off glock ♪

♪ And the rest of the gats ♪

♪ As I strapped on the bullet-proof vest, boom! ♪

♪ I think I got one to the chest hot damn ♪

♪ I didn't want to kill a man ♪