Guys and Dolls (1955) Script

I got the horse right here The name is Paul Revere And here's a guy that says If the weather's clear Can do, can do This guy says the horse can do If he says the horse can do Can do, can do I'm pickin' Valentine 'Cause on the morning line The guy has got him figured at 5 to 9 But look at Epitaph He wins it by a half According to this here in the Telegraph For Paul Revere I'll bite I hear his foot's all right Of course it all depends If it rained last night I know it's Valentine The morning works look fine You know, the jockey's brother Is a friend of mine And just a minute, boys I got the feed box noise It says the great-grandfather Was Equipoise I tell you Paul Revere Now this is no bum steer It's from a handicapper That's real sincere I'm pickin' Valentine 'Cause on the morning line The guy has got him figured at 5 to 9 So make it Epitaph He wins it by a half According to this here in the Telegraph

- Epitaph Valentine Paul Revere I got the horse Right here

Follow the fold And stray no more Stray no more Stray no more Put down the bottle And we'll say no more

- Follow, follow the fold Before you take another swallow Follow the fold And stray no more Stray no more. Stray no more Tear up your poker deck And play no more Follow, follow the fold

Friends, my name is Sarah Brown.

This is no place to make a speech and I'm not gonna try.

You don't wanna be told how unhappy you are.

You don't wanna be told about the emptiness of your lives.

You who drink too much, you who gamble at cards and dice and horse racing.

Let us help you not to lose your hard-earned money... gambling dens and bookie joints.

This doll has captured my attention.

Let us give you strength to stop your drinking, to stop your gambling.

She has lost me.

Let us welcome you to the Save-A-Soul Mission.

Come to me. Just around the corner.

Open all day and all night. You're gonna call me a liar.

A special prayer meeting this Thursday.

Because today I'm giving away...

...solid gold watches for one dollar each. That's right, my friends.

A solid gold watch for one buck.

Remember, all that glitters is not gold.

More to be desired are the judgments of heaven.

Gold is not enough. You say it's not enough?

All right, today only, I include a nailbrush with a solid ivory top.

And my friends, a built-in, genuine magnetic compass, there you are.

Now, folks, how often when you brushing your nails, you wonder where you're going...

...which way is north, east, south or west?

Which way are you going? Down, down, down, or up to salvation?

Come to the mission and find out. Absolutely free.

Absolutely free. The nailbrush is absolutely free.

Now don't crowd, don't push. There's plenty of room for everybody.

There's room for everybody in the kingdom of heaven too.

Now, folks, I don't care whether you buy it or not, because I'm...

Let's pack up.

Did you notice how this time a lot of them stayed...

...till you were almost halfway through your talk?

If we could only sell them salvation for a buck...

...solid gold with an ivory top and a built-in compass.

Sarah, you don't suppose by any chance those watches could really be solid gold?

Uncle Arvide, don't you dare.

A solid gold watch for one buck.

Harry the Horse.

Benny Southstreet.

Since when do you yell out the name of a person... the open air which is full of police? It was a friendly impulse. I lost my head.

Well, if I do not like you so much, this would now be a fact.

You know Nicely-Nicely Johnson, of course?

Yeah, of course. How goes everything? Nicely-nicely, thank you.

I have been waiting, to hear from Nathan Detroit.

What will be the location of his crap game?

We don't know yet. Nathan's been looking around...

...but as you know, he is very hard to please.

Confidentially, Harry, the heat is on very hot around here...

...and it is making Nathan sweat.

Well, that's too bad because I would dislike to take my trade elsewhere...

...but I am loaded and looking for action.

I've just acquired 5000 fish. Five thousand?

If it can be told, where did you take on this fine bundle of lettuce?

I have nothing to hide.

I collected the reward on my father.

It is an advantage to have a successful father.

Nobody ever wanted my old man for as much as 500.

I'm worried about Nathan. Harry the Horse is not the only one.

There's a lot of loose money around now and everybody's looking for some action.

Nathan doesn't find a place...

Why, Lieutenant Brannigan.

Mr. Southstreet, it is Lieutenant Brannigan of the New York City Police Department.

Come here.

Have either of you seen Nathan Detroit?

Which Nathan Detroit is that? Your boss Nathan Detroit.

The Nathan Detroit who runs a floating crap game.

Floating crap game? On a boat?

A crap game that moves to a different spot every night... the police can't find it and break it up.

Sounds like a very difficult thing to do. No, you should know.

Since it's your job to rustle up the customers and tell them where it is.

Especially with a famous detective like you putting on the heat.

And you can give just that message to Detroit.

Tell him Brannigan says he's not going to find a spot for his crap game...

...because everybody knows Brannigan's put on the heat...

...and Brannigan's breathing down everybody's neck.

Nathan, you're lucky. You just missed Brannigan.

I'm lucky, I just missed Brannigan. He left a message for you.

He said to tell you-- I am not going to find...

...a place for my crap game...

...because everybody in town knows that Brannigan has turned on the heat...

...and that Brannigan is breathing down everybody's neck.

That's what he said.

Have you tried all of the regular places?

Won't any of them take a chance, seeing it's you?

Seeing it's me, no. Except one, Joey Biltmore's garage.

Joey said he might take a chance, for 1000 bucks.

A thousand? In advance and in cash.

He would not even take my marker. This I do not believe...

...that Joey Biltmore will not take your marker.

You got no idea what a breath this Brannigan has got.

After all, a marker's not just a piece of paper saying:

"I owe you 1000," signed Nathan Detroit.

A marker is the one pledge which a guy cannot welsh on. Never.

It's like not saluting the flag.

It does not seem possible.

Me without a livelihood.

Why, I've been running the crap game since I was a juvenile delinquent.

But, Nathan, the situation is desperate.

You have got to think of something. My only thought costs 1000 bucks.

I cannot even afford to think.

I'm broke. I'm so broke I couldn't even buy a present for Adelaide today.

Is it her birthday?

It is mine and Adelaide's 14th anniversary.

We are engaged 14 years today.

Nathan, you must concentrate on a game. The town is up to here with high players.

The Greek's in town.

Brandy Bottle Bates! Scranton Slim!

I know. I know.

I could make a fortune, but to make a fortune I need a fortune.

A thousand bucks.

Where do I get it?

The Biltmore garage wants a grand But we ain't got a grand on hand And they now have a lock on the door To the gym at Public School 84 There's the stockroom behind McClosky's Bar But Mrs. McClosky ain't a good scout And things bein' how they are The back of the police station is out So the Biltmore garage is the spot But the 1000 bucks we ain't got Why, it's good old reliable Nathan Nathan, Nathan, Nathan Detroit If you're looking for action He'll furnish the spot Even when the heat is on It's never too hot Not for good old reliable Nathan For it's always just a short walk To the oldest established Permanent floating crap game In New York There are well-heeled shooters Everywhere, everywhere There are well-heeled shooters everywhere And an awful lot of lettuce For the fella who can get us there If we only had a lousy little grand We could be a millionaire Good old reliable Nathan Nathan, Nathan, Nathan Detroit If the size of your bundle You want to increase I'll arrange that you go broke In quiet and peace In a hide-out provided by Nathan Where there are no neighbors to squawk It's the oldest established permanent floating crap game In New York Where's the action? Where's the game?

Gotta have the game Or we'll die from shame It's the oldest established permanent floating crap game in New York

Gentlemen, I am deeply touched by your faith and loyalty.

Gentlemen, do not worry.

Nathan Detroit's crap game will float again.

Nathan. Guess who's sitting in Mindy's right now, eating a steak breakfast.

Hitler. Wrong, Sky Masterson.

Sky Masterson's in town.

This should be the greatest crap game of your career, Nathan.

Where's it gonna be? City Hall, the mayor's office.

What time? We will leave you know, Angie.

Sky Masterson, the highest player of them all. What a spot I'm in.

Does he bet higher than the Greek? Why do you think they call him Sky?

Once, with my own eyes, I saw him bet 5000 bucks...

...that one raindrop would beat another raindrop down the window.

Another time, he was sick and would not take penicillin...

...because he bet his fever would go to 104.

Always makes crazy bets like that. Did he win?

Him and his crazy bets. He got lucky, it went to 106.

So? So why don't I bet him?

Why don't I bet him a thousand bucks on something?

Max, what's the matter, no Danish today?

It's a holiday in Denmark. How do I know?

For all these years you been bringing me Danish.

So we ain't got Danish today. Today I'm bringing you cheesecake.

You want strudel instead, I'll bring you strudel.

I don't like strudel.

So eat the cheesecake. Live it up a little.

I do not understand you, Nathan.

Everybody's crazy about Mindy's cheesecake and strudel.

They must sell thousands of portions every day.

That's just it. Everybody's on cheesecake and strudel.

Makes me feel like I'm playing the favorite.

Playing the favorite.

Nicely, Benny, want you to go into the kitchen and find out...

...exactly how many pieces of cheesecake they sold yesterday.

Also how many pieces of strudel.

How much cheesecake? How much strudel?

What do you wanna know for?

I'm investigating for the FBI. Go!

Brannigan, stop breathing down my neck.

Why, Nathan. Adelaide, doll.

Nathan, how could you think I was Lieutenant Brannigan?

We don't even use the same perfume.

I was kind of daydreaming, I guess. Aw.

I don't dream about detectives, Nathan, even in the daytime.

Do you know what I dream about? You.

And your career as a businessman in a normal business.

And our career together as a normal husband and wife.

Gesundheit. Thank you.

Your cold does not seem to be getting any better.

Yeah, it comes and goes, comes and goes.

It's just a chronic condition.

Even if it is, it sure hangs on.


...speaking of chronic conditions...

Happy anniversary.

Guess what's inside.

A thousand bucks? Ah, I only wish it was.

Go on. Open it up.

"Mr. Nathan Detroit, General Manager."

General Manager of what? Whatever you set your mind on, Nathan.

I have faith.

Adelaide, I...

I do not have a present for you.

Oh, I don't mind, Nathan, if you don't give me a present.

It makes me feel like we were married.

Nathan, darling, there isn't anything I couldn't do without.

Just as long as you don't start running that crap game again.

Crap game? Adelaide, didn't I promise you?

Twelve hundred cheesecake and 1500 strudel.


Yesterday Mindy sold 1200 cheesecake and 1500 strudel.

More strudel than cheesecake.

Are you sure of this information? Straight from the baker's mouth.

Nathan, what is this all about? Statistics.

Things a businessman has to have at his fingertips.

Hey, any news yet? Not yet, Harry, I will leave you know.

I'm getting impatient, Detroit.

And what was that about? His wife's having a baby.

But why is he asking you? He's nervous. It's his first wife.

Look, Adelaide, I'm expecting a fellow on important business conference.

Suddenly I get a suspicion you are trying to get rid of me.

No, doll, no. It's just that this fellow does big business.

Supermarket? Super, super.

With him, business is business, and dolls make him nervous.

And besides, you're late for your rehearsal.

Nicely, you and Benny take Adelaide to the Hot Box, in a cab.

It's only a couple of blocks. The streets are covered with tourists...

...and I do not want you molested.

Nathan, darling, you are the most thoughtful man that ever lived.

But who's gonna pay for the cab? I am, of course.

Sky Masterson.

Detroit. Can I believe my eyes? Is it really you?

How goes your percentage of life, Nathan? Not bad, not bad, and you?

Healthy at the moment. Sit for a minute, relax, talk.

Or maybe you're in a hurry.

My daddy always said there's only one time a man should be in a hurry.

When the cops are coming up the stairs.

How about a cup of coffee?

Maybe a piece of cheesecake? Thanks.

I'm pleased to hear things go well with you, Nathan.

From communiqués received in Las Vegas...

...we understood that Lieutenant Brannigan was corking up the town.

Ah, who worries about Brannigan?

How was Vegas? Paradise for two weeks.

For two weeks, I gambled in green pastures.

The dice were my cousins...

...and the dolls were agreeable with nice teeth and no last names.

You are sure I cannot offer you a piece of cheesecake or maybe a piece of strudel?

No, thanks, I just ate.

How long you gonna be in town? Only for tonight, tomorrow I fly to Havana.


...don't think I am a pest, but do yourself a favor.

Eat this last little bite of cheesecake.

You will thank me. Honestly, I couldn't swallow a mouthful.

How is Adelaide? Fine. Fine.

I suppose one of these days you'll be getting married.

We all gotta go sometime. But, Nathan, we can fight it.

The companionship of a doll is a pleasant thing even for a period of time...

...running into months.

But for a close relationship that can last us through all the years of our life... doll can take the place of aces back to back.

Still, you will admit that Mindy's cheesecake is the greatest cheesecake alive.


Furthermore, I am quite partial to Mindy's cheesecake.

And yet although you might disagree...

...many people prefer Mindy's strudel to cheesecake. Do you disagree?

It is my understanding that the Constitution of the United States...

...allows everybody the free choice between cheesecake and strudel.

I would be interested to hear.

Offhand, would you say that Mindy sells more cheesecake or more strudel?

Going strictly by my own personal preference...

...I'd say more cheesecake than strudel.

For how much?

What? For how much?

Why, Nathan.

I never knew you to lay money on the line.

You always take your bite off the top.

A thousand bucks says that yesterday Mindy's sold more strudel than cheesecake.

Nathan, let me tell you a story. Have we got a bet?

On the day when I left home to make my way in the world... daddy took me to one side.

"Son," my daddy says to me...

..."I am sorry I am not able to bankroll you to a very large start...

...but not having the necessary lettuce to get you rolling...

...instead, I'm going to stake you to some very valuable advice.

One of these days in your travels...

...a guy is going to show you a brand-new deck of cards...

...on which the seal is not yet broken.

Then this guy is going to offer to bet you...

...that he can make the jack of spades jump out of this brand-new deck of cards...

...and squirt cider in your ear.

But, son, you do not accept this bet because, as sure as you stand there...'re going to wind up with an ear full of cider."

Now, Nathan, I do not suggest that you have been clocking Mindy's cheesecake.

Would I do such a thing?

However, if you are really looking for some action...

...I will bet you the same 1000 that you cannot name the color tie you have on.

Have we got a bet?

No bet.

Polka dots.

In the whole world, nobody but Nathan Detroit...

...could blow a thousand bucks on polka dots.

Hi, Sky. Nice to see you, Benny.

How goes it, Sky? Healthy at the moment.

And with you, Nicely? Nicely-nicely, thanks. Nathan?

What's the matter, Nathan? You look sick.

A temporary disorder, the cheesecake backed up on him.

Maybe that's why they told us they sell more strudel than cheesecake.


Nathan, Adelaide gave us a message for you.

Be sure and pick her up at the Hot Box after the show, and don't be late.

Yes, dear. I mean, okay. Yes, dear?

This is husband talk if I ever heard it.

Nathan, you are trapped...

...because Adelaide is the kind of a doll that is most difficult to unload.

I don't want to unload her. I love her.

A guy without a doll, well...

If a guy does not have a doll, who would holler on him?

A doll is a necessity. Like I told you...

...I am not putting the knock on dolls. It's that they are something to have around...

...only when they come in handy, like cough drops.

And the proof that I am right is that dolls are available all over the place... far as the eye can see.

Not dolls like Adelaide.

Nathan, nothing personal and no offense...

...but figuring weight for age, all dolls are the same.

All dolls are the same, huh? As far as the eye can see.

Then it seems to me that the one place a doll would come in handy...

...would be on a trip to Havana.

This being the case, how come you ain't got one?

How come you are going alone, without a doll?

A matter of choice.

I choose to travel alone, but if I wish to take a doll to Havana...

...the supply is more than Woolworth's has got beads.

Not high-class dolls. There's only one class...

...indivisible and interchangeable. A doll is a doll.

All dolls, any doll, you name her.

Any doll? Will you bet on that?

Will you bet a thousand bucks that if I name a doll... can take the same doll to Havana with you tomorrow?

You've got yourself a bet.

I name her.

Her? Sergeant Sarah Brown.

Daddy, I got cider in my ear.

It is my fault, you know.

It's not the mission, it's me.

I can't do the job that has to be done. I'm a failure.

I'd be doing the right thing if I resigned and went back home to Boston.


...should you be able to bend a solid gold watch?

Of course not. That's what I thought.

Why do you want to go home?

Because there aren't any sinners in Boston?

What have I accomplished here?

Surrounded by thousands of depraved characters...

...and after months of hard work, an empty mission.

Sarah, I'm ashamed of you.

Just because the riffraff of Broadway didn't break down that door...

...the minute they heard you were in charge of this mission.

These aren't small-town delinquents who drink too much on Saturday night.

You're up against the devil's first-string troops.

A whole army of devil's disciples.

Do you take sinners here? At any time of the day or night, son.

Come right in and sit down.

Cup of coffee and a doughnut? Just coffee, thanks.

I am not here because I am poor and hungry.

Not for food, that is.

Blessed are they which do hunger after righteousness. Is that it?

Hunger and thirst after righteousness. Yes, sir. That's it.

My name's Arvide Abernathy.

The young lady at the desk is Sergeant Sarah Brown.

To you, we're Brother Arvide and Sister Sarah. Sit down, son.

How do you do? Brother Sky. Hello, Sister Sarah.

Is that your name? Sky? Sky Masterson.

What is it that troubles you, Mr. Masterson?

Brother Sky. Oh, Brother Sky.

I gather you are not in need of money. I'm healthy at the moment. It can change.

Are only the unhappy poor welcome here?

What are you unhappy about, son?


Apparently you're a successful gambler.

Is it wrong to gamble, or only to lose?

I better come back for help when I'm broke.

Please don't misunderstand.

It's just so unusual for a successful sinner to be unhappy about sin.

Besides, my unhappiness came up very suddenly. Maybe it'll go away again.

We can keep you unhappy, son. Give us a chance.

You don't look like a gambler at heart. What made you take it up in the first place?

Evil companions. Evil companions who are always offering me sucker bets.

Just what is a sucker bet? A bet that is reserved for suckers.

For a gambler to get sucked in on such a bet is most humiliating.

But to lose it means that you are marked for a very long time as a chump.

So you must go all out to win such a bet.

Is that so terrible, to be marked as a chump?

Among my people, being a chump is like losing your citizenship.

Because a chump is an outsider, a yokel who will buy anything with varnish on it.

Like a solid gold watch for a dollar? This is a real chump.

Well, I think I'll get some rest before we go out again.

Brother Sky, I'm glad you found us. Now, you stay here and talk to Sister Sarah.

Whatever your problems are, she'll have the answers.

I hope so. I know so.

If there's one thing Sister Sarah never fails in...'s solving other people's problems.

What did he mean by that?

The way he said it, how you never fail in solving other people's problems.

Haven't we changed places, Mr. Masterson?

Brother Sky. Brother Sky, aren't we supposed--?

Why do you have trouble calling me Brother Sky?

Brother Sky, aren't we supposed to be discussing your problems?

It just struck me that maybe non-sinners also have problems.

If you are sincerely interested in giving up gambling, Mr-- Brother Sky...

...reading these pamphlets will help you.

My daddy always said reading pamphlets never made anybody give up anything.

Now, I had a more personal help in mind.

Well, we're having a midnight prayer meeting on Thursday.

Thursday is day after tomorrow.

Who's going to help me between now and then?

Well, our doors are always open. Come in any time.

You know what I think, Sister Sarah? I think you not only don't wanna help me...

...but I think for some reason, you're against me.

I'm afraid that is true. I'm afraid I don't trust you, Mr. Masterson.

Brother Sky. Mr. Masterson.

You don't believe I'm a sinner, do you?

I'm prepared to believe that you're the biggest sinner I've ever met in my life.

But you don't believe I want to repent.

Is that it?

All of a sudden you want a cup of coffee.

Did it ever occur to you that some people could be all repentance and no sin?

You know, I may start a chain of missions that help your kind.

"Come, all ye repenters, and let us bring a little sin into your life."

"There is no peace unto the wicked." Proverbs. This is wrong.

Let's say it's a matter of opinion, shall we?

I made a statement of fact. It's wrong.

How dare you? Even if this is not a church, it is a mission!

How dare you blaspheme? How dare you misquote the Bible?

"No peace unto the wicked" is not Proverbs.

It's Isaiah. Of course it's Proverbs.


Chapter 57, verse 20 or 21.

Would you like to bet on it? Not money, just a nice sociable bet?



I imagine there is only one thing...

...that has been in as many different hotel rooms as I have, the Gideon Bible.

Never tangle with me on the Good Book.

I must have read it through at least a dozen times.

Well, if all that was no help to you...

Who says it wasn't? Once in one of my blackest moments...

...I came up with a three-horse parlay. Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego.

Mr. Masterson, why did you come in here? I told you, I'm an unhappy sinner.

Excuse me, but you're a liar. Excuse me, but lying is not one of my sins.

I am not in the market for a one-dollar solid gold watch.

All right. We'll lay it on the line. From now on, we'll deal the hand open.

Could you say that in English?

I'm sure you've earned your stripes courageously... active combat against the devil. There's no need to be sarcastic.

But not on this particular battlefield against the devil's first-line troops.

Because you can't get at the enemy. Sergeant, this mission is laying an egg.

You have no way of knowing. I've got lots of ways of knowing.

And you are stuck with a store full of repentance and no customers.

And without sinners to repent, what is repentance?

It doesn't exist. So you're stuck with a store full of nothing.

Now, do I give you a fair rundown? I wouldn't know. I've never had a rundown.

Would you be open to a proposition? I've had those. No.

Don't flatter yourself. I'm talking business. I am in a position to supply you...

...with the raw material you need for your work, namely sinners.

How? That's my work.

Now when is this big midnight meeting of yours?

Thursday, day after tomorrow.

I guarantee to supply that meeting with at least one dozen genuine sinners.

Whether they repent or not is up to you.

Thank you very much. That seems to be a fair rundown.

Now, if you will excuse me. Just a minute, Sister Sarah.

This is not a charity contribution I'm making. This is a business transaction.

Something you want for something I want. And what is that?

Have dinner with me tomorrow night.


Why should that be something you want?

Well, maybe because I think I'll be hungry tomorrow night.

Keep this. It's my marker.

Your what? My marker. My IOU for at least one dozen...

...genuine sinners delivered as described.

Now, I will pick you up here tomorrow at noon.

At noon to go to dinner? It takes time to get there.

We're going to eat at my favorite restaurant, El Café Cabana.

El Café Cabana, where's that? Havana.

Havana, Cuba? Well, what other Havanas are there?

You wanna take me to dinner in Havana, Cuba?

Well, they eat in Cuba, same as we do.

What do you take me for, Mr. Masterson? A chump?

Isaiah's on the other side. You get out of here.

What are they worth to you?

At least one dozen genuine sinners ready for salvation.

What are they worth to you? A chicken salad in the tearoom?

One last word, sergeant.

I don't want you to walk out of this room thinking the reason you're upset... because some black-hearted sinner made improper advances...

It's none of your business what I think. a virtuous young lady with a shining white soul.

Any sinful thoughts that may be present in this room... this time come out of you, doll, not me.

You're quite right. I'm nothing but a repressed, neurotic girl--

I've read two whole books on this subject. --who is abnormally attracted to sin...

...and therefore abnormally afraid of it.

And you're not the first man to try that approach, Mr. Masterson.

I am happy to know that I am not the first man...

...who ever tried to approach in any way at all.

You're not even close. Oh, I imagine by now you've succeeded... blocking all possible approaches, haven't you?

Except for a few that you wouldn't know about, I'm afraid.

Well, of course, I only know the ones on the outskirts of society.

What are the approaches like on the inskirts?

All paved with honorable intentions?

I wonder what he'll be like. Who?

Oh, that upright, downright, forthright square with his close-shaved chin up...

...who right now, somewhere, is marching along the proper approach to proper you.

What'll he be like? He will not be a gambler, for one thing.

I can name better than you can, the things he won't be, but what will he be?

How will you know when he gets to you? Don't worry. I'll know.

For I've imagined every bit of him From his strong moral fiber To the wisdom in his head To the homey aroma of his pipe You have wished yourself A small-town Galahad The breakfast-eating, four-button type And I shall meet him When the time is ripe I'll know When my love comes along I won't take a chance For, oh He'll be just what I need Not some fly-by-night Broadway romance And you'll know at a glance By the two pair of pants I'll know By his calm, steady voice Those feet on the ground I'll know As I run to his arms That at last I've come home Safe and sound And till then I shall wait And till then I'll be strong For I'll know When my love Comes along Mine will come as a surprise to me Mine I leave to chance and chemistry Chemistry? Yeah, chemistry.

Suddenly I'll know When my love comes along I'll know then and there I'll know At the sight of her face How I care, how I care, how I care And I'll stop And I'll stare And I'll know Long before we can speak I'll know in my heart I'll know And I won't ever ask Am I right? Am I wise? Am I smart?

But I'll stop And I'll stare At that face In the throng Yes, I'll know When my love Comes along


Well, that makes it necessary for me to drop back again.

Matthew 5:39.

Don't bother looking it up. It's the bit about the other cheek.

I know, Joey.

But the thousand bucks is guaranteed.

What? It's a bet I cannot lose.

I bet Sky Masterson he could not take a certain doll to Havana with him.

Not this doll. Not this doll.

And now for the grand finale of our round-the-world revue...

...the Hot Box takes you out to the alley with Miss Adelaide and her Alley Kittens.




One meow, two meow Three meow, scat What's the initial of my pet tomcat?

Is it A, B, C, D, E, F, G?

Is it H or J or L, M, N, O, P?

Is it L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T?

No, it's you You're the cat for me




You know you've been mean to me And you know when you're mean to me How it always makes me wanna roam And you know there's a danger That some gentle stranger Might pick me up And make me feel at home So pet me, Poppa Poppa, pet me nice Meow, meow.

Oh, pet me, Poppa Poppa, melt the ice And you know how If you don't want me out roamin' the city Talk to me pretty Here, kitty kitty And pet me, Poppa Poppa, pet me nice Oh, pet me, Poppa Poppa, pet me good Meow, meow.

Pet me, Poppa Proper, like you should And you know how If you care to keep me home by the fire Especially when it's time to retire Then pet me, Poppa Poppa, pet me good Warm up my saucer of milk And maybe I'll purr Lay out my cushion of silk Don't rumple my fur

- Just reach over and Pet me, Poppa Poppa, melt the ice If you don't want me out roamin' the city Talk to me pretty Here, kitty kitty And pet me, Poppa That's my good advice Pet me, Poppa Meow.

Pet me, Poppa Pet me, Poppa Poppa, pet me That'll get me Pet me, Poppa Poppa, pet me nice

Look, Joey, I gotta hang up. Can I at least tell the guys...

...that the game will be at your garage tomorrow night?

Joey, I would gladly pay you in advance...

...but I will not get the money until tomorrow.

I've got to have time to spread the word around.

Joey, listen to--

Yes, Joey.

Yes, Joey.

Drop dead, Joey. Yes, Joey.

Oh, Nathan, darling. You got here early.

Oh, It's so thrilling to find you waiting for me.

Just like we were married and I was coming home from work.

You wouldn't make me stop working, would you, Nathan?

That would be cruel.

A doll like you could earn good money for another 10 years.

Easy. Ah, sweet.

And you were reading my book too.

See? I told you reading don't make people go blind.

It's very interesting, isn't it?

What is? Oh, the book. Yeah.

The doctor gave it to me.

He said he thought it might help me get rid of my cold.

With a book? The doctor thinks that my cold...

...might possibly be caused by psychology.

Ah. How does he know you got psychology? Nathan, everybody has got it.

And female psychology explains why certain girls do certain kinds of things.

It's all in the book.

Must be some book.


Would it, for instance, tell you what kind of a doll...

...would go for a certain kind of a guy...

...which you wouldn't think she would do so?

Nathan, no matter how terrible a fella seems... can never be sure that some girl won't go for him.

Take us.

Get dressed. We'll go eat.


Starting with next week, Nathan...

...I will be getting a raise in salary.

Where does it say what different kind of dolls will do?

You're not even listening to me.


I will be making enough so that we can finally get married.

What do you think? Hmm?

Oh. Of course we'll get married. Sooner or later.

Nathan, after 14 years, it is already too late to be sooner.

And if it gets much later, soon it will be too late even to be later.


Besides, Nathan, I don't know what to do anymore about mother.

Mother? What about your mother?

Oh, Nathan, this is something that I haven't told you before...

...but my mother, back in Rhode Island...

...she thinks that we are already married.

How could she think such a thing?

Maybe because I wrote her that we were already married.

That would make her think so. Nathan, in Rhode Island...

...people do not remain engaged for 14 years. They get married.

So how come it's such a small state?

Furthermore, after about two years...

After about two years, we-- We got a divorce?

We had a baby.

You wrote your mother we had a baby? I had to, Nathan.

Mother kept after me and after me and finally I just ran out of excuses.

And what type baby was it?

It was a boy. I named it after you, Nathan.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Tell me, what has Nathan Junior been doing all these years?

Well, right now he's in boarding school.

As a matter of fact, I wrote Mother that he won the football game last Saturday.

I wish I had a bet on it.

But, Nathan...

...that isn't all.

You're not going to tell me we also have got an Adelaide Junior?

All these years, Nathan.

Mother believes in big families.

And we had such an early start.

Just give me the grand total.

Five. Adelaide.

How could you do such a thing to a nice old broad like your mother?

Nathan, darling, let's just us get married...

...and I'll handle everything else, okay?

Okay, doll, when we're ready. Nathan, we are ready now.

We have been ready for 14 years.

All we need now is a license and a blood test.

Blood test? Don't worry, Nathan. You've got blood.

What a city.

First they close my crap game and then they open my veins.

Nathan, you gave up the crap game.

Of course I did, doll. And you know why? For you.

Because I love you. Oh.

Can I borrow some earrings?

It is customary, Laverne, to knock when entering...

...the private dressing room of an engaged person.

As far as I'm concerned, you are in here by yourself.

May I borrow some earrings?

Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds.

In the top drawer of the trunk. The big box.

Aren't they a little long, dear? Remember, you've got a short neck.

He's a tall man.

You, I'm all dated up with Society Max tomorrow night...

...and he breaks it on account of your silly crap game.

Adelaide, look at me. I'm on my knees.

Oh, get up. It reminds me of your crap game.

Adelaide, doll.

You're getting yourself upset about nothing.

It's a game I set up a long time ago. I couldn't get out of it.


Look, we love each other. We're gonna get married.

We'll be happy.

Get out of my life, Nathan Detroit.

I knew you'd understand.


It says here:

The average unmarried female Basically insecure Due to some long frustration May react With psychosomatic symptoms Difficult to endure Affecting the upper respiratory tract

In other words, just from waiting around For that plain little band of gold A person Can develop a cold You can spray her wherever You figure the streptococci lurk You can give her a shot for whatever she's got but it just won't work If she's tired of getting that fish-eye From the hotel clerk A person Can develop a cold

It says here:

The female remaining single Constantly in suspense Shows a neurotic tendency See note See note?

Note Chronic organic syndromes Toxic or hypertense Involving the eye, the ear, The nose and throat

In other words, just from wondering Whether the wedding is on or off A person Can develop a cough You can feed her all day with the Vitamin A And the Bromo fizz But the medicine never gets anywhere near Where the trouble is If she's getting a kind of a name for herself And the name ain't his A person can develop a cough And furthermore, just from stalling and stalling And stalling the wedding trip A person can develop la grippe When they get on the train for Niagara And she can hear church bells chime The compartment is air-conditioned And the mood sublime Then they get off at Yonkers racetrack For the 14th time A person can develop la grippe La grippe, la post-nasal drip With the wheezes and the sneezes And a sinus that's really a pip

From a lack of community property And a feeling she's getting too old A person can develop A bad, bad cold

Follow the fold and stray no more Stray no more. Stray no more Put down the bottle And we'll say no more

Nathan, if you had arrived one minute earlier... would have witnessed Miss Sarah give Sky Masterson...

...a one hundred percent brush-off.

So the thousand for Joey Biltmore is practically in your pocket.

You should be jumping for joy. I'm jumping.

You got work to do, arrangements to make.

A shave and a hot towel will fix you up.

For who should I have a shave? For who should I have a hot towel?

Do you know what is at stake here? Nathan Detroit's crap game.

Because of a doll. I cannot believe that a number-one businessman like you...

...could let himself go and fall in love with his own fiancé.

All right! So Adelaide is my weakness.

Can you not be tolerant that I have got a weakness?

Especially since this weakness is a sad condition...

...that guys are in all over the world? Look.

What's playin' at the Roxy?

I'll tell you what's playin' at the Roxy It's a picture about a Minnesota man So in love with a Mississippi girl That he sacrifices everything And moves all the way to Biloxi That's what's playin' at the Roxy What's in the Daily News? I'll tell you what's in the Daily News Story about a guy Who bought his wife a small ruby With what otherwise Would have been his union dues That's what's in the "Daily News"

What's happenin' all over?

I'll tell you what's happenin' all over Guys sitting home by a television set Who used to be something of a rover That's what's happening all over Love is the thing that has licked them And it looks like I'm just another victim Yes, sir.

When you see a guy Reach for stars in the sky You can bet that he's doin' it For some doll When you spot a John Waitin' out in the rain Chances are he's insane As only a John can be for a Jane When you meet a gent Payin' all kinds of rent For a flat that could flatten the Taj Mahal Call it sad, call it funny But it's better than even money That the guy's only doin' it For some doll

When you see a Joe Savin' half of his dough You can bet there'll be mink in it For some doll When a bum buys wine Like a bum can't afford It's a cinch that the bum is under the thumb Of some little broad When you meet a mug Lately out of the jug And he's still liftin' platinum folderol Call it hell, call it heaven It's a probable 12 to 7 That the guy's only doin' it For some doll

When you see a sport And his cash has run short You can bet he's been blowin' it On some doll When a guy wears tails With the front gleaming white Who the heck do you think he's ticklin' pink On Saturday night?

When some lazy slob Gets a good steady job And he smells from Vitalis and Barbasol Call it dumb, call it clever Ah, but you can give odds forever That the guy's only doin' it for some doll Some doll, some doll The guy's only doin' it For some doll

Well, I think we finally managed to shake off the prince of darkness.

You certainly did your best to discourage him.

I certainly did.


General Cartwright, what a pleasant surprise.

Sarah. We didn't know you were in town.

A flying visit. Flew in from Boston early this morning.

Important luncheon meeting.

While waiting, thought I'd check a few of our outposts informally.

I must say, Sarah, I was surprised to find the mission unattended... a neighborhood as unsavory as this.

Why should you be surprised, general? You've seen our records.

We don't seem to get anyone in here even to rob the place.


Well, now that you've brought it up...

...I must confess I have come for a purpose.

An unhappy one, I'm afraid. I know it doesn't look... if we're accomplishing anything, but in time, I know that--

Time, I'm afraid, is what we can no longer afford.

My good friends...

...after careful deliberation...

...national headquarters has decided to close this branch of the mission.

Close the mission? No, general. Please.

Even if I haven't made a success of it, there must be someone who will.

Sarah Brown, if you can't attract sinners, nobody can.

There are so many calls on us, my dear.

So many other places where our work is needed.

How do you do?

I don't believe we've met, brother...

Brother Sky Masterson. Former sinner.

I am General Cartwright, regional director of Save-A-Soul.

Why isn't his name on the progress report?

What were you doing in there?

I was resting, Sister Sarah.

I was going to ask Brother Arvide if...

If he might let me carry the drum when we go out again this afternoon.

General, on behalf of the former sinners of the future...

...I would like to protest the closing of this mission.

General, I think I should explain to you-- Sarah, this man has a right to be heard.

Continue, Brother Sky.


...would you be open to a proposition?

The general is flying back to Boston this afternoon.

She will not be available for dinner tonight.

Sarah, what are you talking about?

What have you got in mind, young man? Faith in Sister Sarah.

I ask you to give her 36 hours to show you that she can make this mission pay off.

Saving souls should not be referred to as paying off.

Why 36 hours? Because he knows that our big meeting...

...thirty-six hours from now will be a great success.

Uncle Arvide!

But how can you guarantee that, Brother Sky?

Well, let's just say I have a feeling about it.

"If sinners entice thee, consent thou not." That's the wrong thought.

Sister Sarah, where is yesterday's thought for today?

Top right-hand drawer.

Excuse me, general.

Before going to the expense of a big meeting...

...I should think you'd require more than just a feeling that it will be successful.

Oh, it's a very strong feeling, general.


"There is no peace to the wicked." Isaiah 57:21. That is correct.

General, my proposition is this.

Why don't you come to the midnight meeting tomorrow night...

...and find out for yourself?

Well, if I thought there was a chance of finding definite progress...

...and a sizable turnout...

What do you think, Sister Sarah?

Don't you honestly believe that this mission could be saved within the next 36 hours?

General Cartwright...

...I am in a position to guarantee you personally... least one dozen genuine sinners.


Hallelujah. Hallelujah.

Be sure you're wearing your carnation.

Remember, nobody gets in the crap game without they got a red carnation.

It's like a password. Nathan's orders. We got the flowers. Where is the action?

The minute Nathan arrives we're gonna--

He has arrived. Is it all set?

Can I tell the customers it's Joey Biltmore's--

Not till I put the thousand in Joey's hand.

And I haven't got it yet.

I sent Nicely to wait for Sky at his hotel.

The minute Sky gives him the money, Nicely's gonna bring it back to me.

But they won't stick around much longer. They're getting nervous.

I'm not nervous?

Well, Harry the Horse. How is everything in Brooklyn? The same?

I hope, Detroit, that you will not spoil our evening.

In as much as I happen to be entertaining a very prominent guest tonight.

I would like you to meet Big Jule from Chicago.

I would like you to meet Big Jule from Chicago.

Big Jule, welcome to our fair city.

In which, as you know, the heat is on.

However, if you will be patient, you will be provided with action.

What do you say, Big Jule? Shall we stick around or shall we blow?

I come here to shoot crap. Let's shoot crap.

Order another milkshake and relax. Nathan.

Do not let the fact that Big Jule drinks milk give you any wrong ideas.

Big Jule does not like to be displeased.

Why, Harry, did I give the impression that I was being rude to a guest...

...with such a well-deserved reputation as Big Jule?

Big Jule...

...I am sure that you did not misunderstand my kidding remarks.

It's just that one look at your kindly face, which is... full of fun, good fellowship...

Could I have a swallow of your milk?

Well, well, well...

What have we here?

The jails must be empty tonight.

Can anybody be missing?

Harry the Horse...

...Liverlips Louie...

...Angie the Ox, Society Max...

And here is a face for which I cannot supply a name.

May I ask where you come from?

East Cicero, Illinois. And what is your occupation there?

I'm a scoutmaster.

Don't ever help my mother across the street.

Such lovely red carnations.

Is it a funeral?

Did somebody die suddenly that I don't know about yet?

What's on, Nathan? What brings all these senior delinquents together?

They got lonely. How do I know?

And why are they all wearing red carnations?

They are also all wearing pants. You are up to no good, Detroit!

Is it a crime to wear flowers? Is Mindy's suddenly a hideout for gangsters?

Lieutenant, I'll confess. We're smuggling hot cheesecake into Canada.

This is all I need. It's complete.

Everybody in the whole world who hates me is now here.

What's the use, Nathan? Why try to keep it a secret?

Bite your tongue, Benny. All right, Southstreet, let's have it.

What's this all about?

It's a party, lieutenant. What kind of a party?

A dinner. A bachelor dinner for Nathan Detroit.

He's getting married.

For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow Which nobody cannot deny Oh.

Nathan, darling. I'm so thrilled.

Why didn't you tell me? It was gonna be a surprise wedding.

You certainly had me fooled, Detroit. When is the happy occasion?

Well, it's gonna take a little time to get the blood test and the license.

Gee, wouldn't it be wonderful if we could get married tomorrow night?

I mean, right after the opening of the new show at the Hot Box.

Adelaide, according to the laws under which we live...'s gonna take a little time. You could elope.

You are telling me to violate the law? It's legal to elope at your age.

And the great state of Maryland will marry you right away, no blood test.

Ain't that unhealthy? Nathan, the lieutenant has come up...

...with a romantic suggestion of which I approve.

Elope, and for the trip I will loan you my getaway car.

Uh, that is, my station wagon.

Oh, Nathan, darling, let's do it. Please.

Okay. Deal me in.

Speech, Nathan. Speech.

Yeah, give us a little speech. Yeah, speech.

Unaccustomed as I am To getting married I am taking this occasion here to say That me and Adelaide Are finally naming the day Though she knows deep in her heart I'm a phony and I'm a fake She wants five children to start Five's a difficult point to make But Adelaide, Adelaide Ever-lovin' Adelaide Is takin' a chance on me

Takin' a chance I'll be respectable and nice Give up cards and dice And go for shoes and rice So, gentlemen, deal me out Do not try to feel me out I got no more evenings free Since Adelaide, Adelaide Ever-lovin' Adelaide Is takin' a chance Talk about your long shots Takin' a chance on me Well, my congratulations too.

And I certainly hope there's nothing in heredity.

It might seem unimportant to you on the night before your wedding...

...but your blintzes are getting cold.

Who cares? As long as Nathan stays hot.

Look, don't forget to bring my purse to the Hot Box.

Oh, Nathan, darling, I'm so excited.

I don't even wanna eat and go back to work.

I've got so many things to do before tomorrow night.

What about my mother? I've got to write to her. What'll I say?

Send a telegram. Date it back 14 years.

Adelaide Adelaide Ever-lovin' Adelaide Is takin' a chance on me Takin' a chance I'll be respectable and nice Give up the cards and dice And go for shoes and rice So, gentlemen, deal me out Do not try to feel me out

- You got no more evenings free You may scratch me

- Since Adelaide Adelaide Ever-lovin' Adelaide Is takin' a chance Talk about your long shots Takin' a chance On me

Nathan, you are indeed a most lucky fella.

She is a most beautiful doll indeed. Do you agree, Big Jule?

Tell me, how long do you know the doll? Fourteen years.

Let's shoot crap.

Nathan! Something happened-- You couldn't find Sky at the hotel?

Did you go to the mission? He's been following them all day.

That's what I'm trying to tell you.

He must be with the mission band right now. Nathan, wait!

This church is, for the most part, Spanish baroque built of native limestone.

The original church was built on this site in 1674...

...and reconstructed between 1704 and 1724.

It's almost impossible to believe. Well, that's not very old for a church.

Why, long before 1674, there were missionaries--

What does it say about the moonlight?

The moonlight? Mm-hm.

It's very bright, isn't it?

So bright, you can even read your guidebook by it.

Now that you mention it...

What does it say about the music? The music?


It's a lovely tune.

Sister Sarah, let me read out of Sky Masterson's guidebook about you.

You could be locked away in a room with no sun, no moon... laughter, no music, no love, and you wouldn't care.

You could still be a missionary.

The cobblestones in this plaza are approximately four centuries old.

They are the very cobblestones that were put down by the Spanish colonists in 1519.

What's your pleasure? Oh, drinking.

What's your pleasure?

Milk, please.

Don't make a spectacle of yourself. Milk.

You are a United States citizen in a foreign country.

Have you no pride in what the world thinks about Americans?



What did you order?

Dulce de Leche. "Dulce" is the Spanish word for "sweet."

"De" means "of" and "leche" means "milk." Sweet of milk.

Don't they serve it plain?

Well, only in the mornings. It has to do with the heat.

At night, they put a kind of preservative in it.

That's interesting. What do they use?

Uh, Bacardi. Bacardi?


Doesn't that have alcohol in it?

Well, just enough to keep the milk from turning sour.

That's the same song we heard being played near the church, isn't it?

Playing the tambourine has developed in you an ear for music.

Mr. Masterson, you think I'm an awful prude, don't you?

Are you?

Well, I wonder sometimes.

For instance, supposing I wasn't in mission work.



This is a tasty milkshake.

Do you mind if I have another?


Supposing I was just any girl... you think just any girl would be a prude...

...if she refused to go to Havana with a man she'd never met before?

Oh, I suppose not.

Would you like to try some of my milkshake...

...while you're waiting for the next one? I haven't touched it.

Just a sip.

Oh, thanks.

I don't know when I've been so thirsty.

Still, you do think I'm a prude, don't you?

I don't know what you are. Well, you must think I'm something.

Yeah, you're something all buttoned up. All except one button.

Oh, isn't it awful? It's a nervous habit, I guess. So silly.


I'm sorry. I just wasn't thinking.

It's so delicious.

That Bacardi flavoring certainly makes a difference, doesn't it?

Oh, yeah. Nine times out of 10.

You know, this would be a wonderful way to get children to drink milk.

A melody can have the same notes, but suddenly it's a different song.

Again, please? That song.

Before it was just romantic, just silly slush.

Now it's playing inside of me, all true and honest... if my heart were beating the drum.

How much do you know about life?

Only a little bit. Around the edges. Tell me about life.

All about it? How to live.

Doing what you want, having what you want, saying what you want.

Being what you want. Nobody can. Nobody does.

If you could, you probably wouldn't want it.

Oh, but you're wrong, Brother Sky, you're wrong.

All right. You tell me about life. You don't believe I could, don't you?

I believe I could.

After all, it was you that came to me for help, isn't that so?

Because you were unhappy.

What were you unhappy about, Sky?

Well, I can't remember this minute. But you do remember that I failed you.

I was weighed in the balance and found wanting.

Daniel 5:27. For that I am truly sorry.

But I intend to make it up to you.

I intend to give you all the help you will ever require.

You have given me a great deal of help already.

You don't think I remember, don't you? But I do.

Every word, as if you were saying it now.

What? About having a more...

...personal help in mind.

But I gave you those silly old pamphlets... if they could take the place of a truly personal help.

How can a sinner hope to be saved by maybe one hour of help or two...

...when for the rest of the 24 he must fight temptation alone?

How indeed? It's been done with people...

...who drink too much, you know.

Help day and night, night and day.

Anywhere, anytime. That's a full-time job.

Well, you're a full-time sinner.

Maybe a little time off for good behavior?

Pal, you're not gonna fight alone anymore.

What if it's against mission policies? Private lessons in salvation?

Because I'm gonna be with you.

A one-woman mission for the personal salvation of me?

Day and night, night and day.

Sister Sarah, why would you want to? Whatever you do, wherever you go.

Why, Sister Sarah? Why? I wanna be with you.

The world's full of souls closer to salvation than mine.

Anytime, anywhere.

Easier to save and much more worth saving.


Please say something.

I've got to know what you're thinking.

I'm thinking...'s time you had your dinner.

Ooh! Oh!

Still dizzy?

You won't believe me, but with my head underwater...

...I actually heard bells ringing.

I'll believe you.

Ask me how do I feel. How do you feel?

Ask me now that we're cozy and clinging Well, sir, all I can say is if I were a bell I'd be ringing From the moment we kissed tonight That's the way I've just got to behave Boy, if I were a lamp I'd light And if I were a banner I'd wave Ask me how do I feel Little me with my quiet upbringing Well, sir, all I can say Is if I were a gate I'd be swinging And if I were a watch I'd start poppin' my springs Or if I were a bell I'd go ding-dong-ding-dong-ding Ask me how do I feel From this chemistry lesson I'm learning Chemistry? Yeah, chemistry.

All I can say is if I were a bridge I'd be burning Yes, I knew my morale would crack From the wonderful way that you looked Boy, if I were a duck I'd quack Or if I were a goose I'd be cooked Ask me how do I feel Ask me now that we're fondly caressing Pal, if I were a salad I know I'd be splashing my dressing Ask me how to describe This whole beautiful thing Well, if I were a bell I'd go ding-dong-ding-dong Ding

We just got time to catch the last plane to New York.

People miss planes. It happens.


It also happens that people win with loaded dice.

I know what I'm doing.

Do you, kid?

I don't.

Suddenly I'm playing by a whole new book of rules.

You make me feel as if I were a dishonest horse race or something.

Look, the bells rang. They really rang.

They weren't magical bells for lovers, full of rum and music...

...on a make-believe island.

They rang to tell us what time it is.

Shall we synchronize our watches?

Sarah, I know the night time. I live in it.

It does funny things to you.

You must be trying to tell me I'd hate myself in the morning.

I look as if I've been in a fight or something.

You know, you're the most mixed up man I've ever met in my life.

Easily. All that nonsense about nighttime...

...and daytime and rule books and such.


You know why I brought you here to Havana?

Because I made a bet that I could.

That's why I came to the mission, to win a bet.

Why not? You're a gambler.

And, darling... are also a chump.

We're blocks from the mission.

Come on, a little walk will do you good.

What time is it?

It's dawn any minute.

What makes the light so strange and white?

Because only in Times Square...

...the dawn gets turned on by an electrician.

Listen. What?


Now is the time you can hear footsteps on Broadway.

Cup of coffee?




You remember that tune pretty well.

It keeps running through my heart.

It's got words, you know.

Something about Amor, Amor, I'll bet.

It's about you.

About you right now.

Your eyes are the eyes Of a woman in love And, oh, how they give you away Why try to deny You're a woman in love When I know very well What I say I say no moon in the sky Ever lent such a glow Some flame deep within Made them shine Those eyes are the eyes Of a woman in love And may they gaze Evermore into mine Tenderly gaze Evermore Into mine And what about you?

It's got you too Your eyes are the eyes Of a man who's in love That same flame deep within Made them shine Your eyes are the eyes Of a man who's in love Woman in love And may they gaze Evermore Into mine Crazily gaze Evermore Into mine

Uncle Arvide.

Where have you been? Good morning, Sarah.

Morning, Brother Sky.

Well, we took your advice. We've been out all night...

...on a crusade against the devil.

Come on, fellas. Cheese it, the cops! Everybody, let's go.

Come on, guys, let's get out of here.

Nathan, what is this? Bingo!

Wait a minute. Where y'all going? I'm out 10 G's.

It's no use.

They were tipped off.

I suppose you can explain all this, Miss Brown?

Explain? Explain what?

I guess it was just a coincidence...

...that the mission was left open and empty all night.

While everybody suddenly took off on an all-night crusade.

But you yourself didn't go on the crusade and you weren't here.

Now, maybe that's two coincidences.

Masterson, I had you in my big-time book.

Now I suppose I'll have to reclassify you under shills and decoys.

You certainly do know the nighttime, don't you?

And the funny things it does.

It certainly did them to me, didn't it?

You only have to answer one question.

It didn't do too much, though, thanks to you, not me.

Just more than enough.

Answer one question. Any question.

Am I now supposed to prove to you, in any way...

...I had nothing to do-- There isn't anything to prove.

Are you taking it for granted I'm guilty as charged?

Everything that was to be proved, has already been proved.

If I hadn't gone, this would never have happened.

You went with me to help the mission. Did I?

I can't remember that far back.

Oh, Sarah.

Is that really why I went with you?

To help the mission?

Is that really why you took me? To win the bet. I told you.

Was that all of the bet, Sky, to get me out of the way?

What do you take me for? Or was there more? Much more?

Did you win the bet?

Did you truly win all of the bet?

What do you take yourself for?

What kind of a doll are you? A daytime doll.

A mission doll.

Thank you, thank you.

And now the feature attraction of our all-new Four-D Follies...

...the Hot Box proudly presents Miss Adelaide and her debutantes.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Nicely-nicely, thank you.

I didn't ask you how you are. Don't.

What are you doing here? Where's Nathan?

Nathan. That's what I'm doing here.

I'm supposed to bring Miss Adelaide a message from him.

I wish Nathan would bring his own messages.

He bought me the fur thing Five winters ago And the gown the following fall Then the necklace, the bag The hat and the shoes Oh, what generous gifts I recall Then last night in his apartment He tried to remove them all And I said as I ran down the hall

Take back your mink Take back your pearls What made you think That I was one of those girls?

Take back the gown The shoes and the hat I may be down But I'm not flat as all that I thought that each expensive gift You'd arranged Was a token of your esteem Now when I think Of what you want in exchange It all seems a horrible dream So take back your mink To from whence it came And tell them to shorten the sleeves For some other dame

Take back your mink Take back your pearls What made you think That I was one of those girls?

I'm screaming take back the gown Take back the hat I may be down But I'm not flat as all that I thought that each expensive gift You'd arranged Was a token of your esteem But when I think of what You want in exchange It all seems a horrible dream Take back your mink Those old worn-out pelts And go shorten the sleeves For somebody else

Well, wouldn't you?

I cannot do it, Sky. I simply cannot bring myself to tell Miss Adelaide...

...that Nathan is not going to elope with her tonight.

And this time, she is really counting on him.

Nathan is what he is. She ought to know better.

I thought the game broke up last night.

Big Jule, being a large loser, is most insistent that the game goes on.

So we find another place and the game goes on.

Where? It's too hard to describe.

I could take you there, but I must deliver this message first.

I'll deliver it. Meet me outside in five minutes.

If you're looking for action, the boys are pretty tired, all except Big Jule.

No, I'm leaving town tonight, but I, uh...

I gave my marker to somebody and I wanna make it good before I leave.

You know something, Sky?

Suddenly I'm embarrassed.

I don't know which etiquette I should use. Etiquette?

Well, your being here tonight must have something to do with the wedding.

I mean, Nathan must have sent you as one of his seconds or something?

Well, Nathan didn't exactly send me. Then I don't understand.

I'm supposed to give you a message from him.

Oh. He's out there, isn't he? I mean, Nathan's here tonight in the Hot Box?


But tonight...

Sky, we're eloping tonight.

We're getting married tonight. In front of all those people we talked about it.

Oh, Sky, he's just got to be here. Well, he isn't.

Now, it seems that one of Nathan's close relatives...

His aunt in Pittsburgh? That's the one.

His floating aunt in Pittsburgh.

It's the crap game again.

Does it surprise you? You know Nathan.

But he promised to change. Change, change.

Who do you love? Who do you wanna marry? Nathan, or what you wanna make out of him?

I wanna marry and live normal like people.

I wanna have a normal home with wallpaper and bookends.

Well, then, fall in love with people.

Not with gamblers.


My daddy once told me...

...he says, "No matter who you get married to, you wake up married to somebody else."

That's probably true, and you take it the way the dice falls.

But a guy doesn't wanna feel from the very beginning...

...that he's just like a piece of dress material a woman is gonna cut up and sew...

...according to the way they wear husbands this year.

It's easy for you to talk.

You're not in love with Nathan.

No, I'm not.

Wait till you fall in love with somebody you shouldn't.

Wait till it happens to you.


Must be tough to take.

Sarah, I don't believe Sky Masterson had any more to do...

...with what happened here last night than I did.

That's why you buy solid gold watches for a dollar.

Do you believe it?

Whether he had anything to do with it or not-- Do you believe it?

They used our mission last night for their filthy crap game.

But if Sky had nothing to do with it-- Don't you understand?

All I could see was him running down the street...

...away from the police with the rest of that trash.

All I could see was that...

...he was one of them.

And I never saw till now how much in love with him you are.

I'll get over it.

Why would anyone wanna get over the one thing you hope for...

...from the minute you're born and remember till the day you die?

I'll get over it. Why?

Because it's the greatest reward...

...that woman or man can have on this earth... love and to be loved?

I just wanna remind you.

You hold my marker for 12 or more sinners by midnight tonight.

Forget about it.

I do not forget a marker.

Well, last night the mission was filled with your friends. Let's say we're even.

If you don't make that marker good...

...I'm gonna buzz it all over town you're a welsher.

Nicely, time is running out. Where's the crap game?

Only about a 10-minute walk.

Which way? This way.

Ride them!



Wait a minute! Where y'all going?

I come here to shoot crap. I had enough.

How many days we all been here?

As you can see, Big Jule, the boys are slightly fatigued from weariness...

...having been shooting crap for quite a while now, namely 24 hours.

I don't care who's tired. I'm out 25 G's. Nobody leaves.

I am half dead.

If you do not shut up, Big Jule will arrange the other half.

And since I've been cleaned out of cash...

...I announce that I will now play on credit.

Big Jule, you cannot imagine how exhausted they are.

Especially on a non-cash basis.

Me, personally, I'm fresh as a daisy. Then I'll play with you.

But I am not a player. I am merely the operator.

You been raking down out of every pot. You must have by now quite a bundle.

Well, being I assume the risk, is it not fair I should assume some dough?

Detroit, I'm gonna roll you, willy or nilly.

If I lose, I'll give you my marker.

And if I lose?

You will give him cash. Let me hear from Big Jule.

You'll give me cash.

I heard.

Here's my marker. Put up your dough.

Anything wrong? "IOU 1000." Signed "X."

How is it you can write "1000," but you cannot write your signature?

Oh, I was good in arithmetic, but I stunk in English.


This will put you through Harvard.

I'm rolling the whole thousand.

And to change my luck...

...I'm going to use my own dice. Your own dice?

Yeah, I had them made especially for me in Chicago.

I do not wish to seem petty, but may I have a look at those dice?


But these dice ain't got no spots on them. They're blank.

I had the spots removed for luck. But I remember where the spots formerly were.

You are going to roll blank dice and remember where the spots formally were?

Detroit... you doubt my memory?

Big Jule, I have great trust in you.


Five and a five, ten. My points, ten.

At least I got a chance. He remembered a hard point.

Ha! Ten. I win. Six and a four.

Which is the six and which is the four? Either way. I'm rolling the 2000.


Seven. I win.

I could have sworn he would've remembered that one.


...I'm gonna take it easy with you this time.

I'm shooting a dollar.

I'll cover all of it.

Ha! How do you like that? Snake eyes. I lose.

I won't even bother to pick it up. Benny, pick it up.

Detroit, I'm gonna give you a chance to get even. I'm rolling three G's.

Three G's? But that's my whole bankroll.

Three G's. Get it up.

Well, here we go.

Down memory lane.


Lucky me, 11. I win.

I'm clean.

Seeing that I'm on a lucky streak...

...I will now roll the rest of you guys.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You have got to give me a chance to get even.

I will now roll you with my dice.

What you gonna use for money? I will give you my marker.

And against your marker you want Big Jule to put up cash?

Nathan, done it. Yeah, I done it.

What kind of a deal is this, anyway? Take it easy, Nathan.

Him and his no-spot dice.

Somebody ought to knock the spots off of him.

Hey, Nathan, do not make Big Jule have to do something to you.

Detroit, I'm on my vacation. Don't louse it up.

What could you do me? Shoot me? Put me in cement?

At least I would know where I am.

Here I risk my neck to set up this crap game.

I even promise to get married on account of it. And where do I wind up?

Broke in a sewer. Believe me, my tough friend from Chicago...

...there's nothing you could do to me that would not cheer me up.

Here they are.

And how is everybody down here?

I smell fresh blood. Looking for action?

Not at the moment. I just came underground to talk to some of my friends.

We're ain't talking, we're shooting crap.

It'll only take a minute.

We're shooting crap.

Gentleman, I would like to talk to you about Sarah Brown's mission...

...where you were so rudely interrupted last night.

What kind of characters walk around the sewers of New York? Who is this joker?

Like I told you, he is the guy who was trying to take the mission doll to Havana.

Oh, him. I suggest you return the way you came, back to your praying tomato.

Around here your presence is slowing up the action.

If you were so eager for action...

...would you care to make a small wager on a proposition?

Pray tell, what's the proposition? An old one my daddy taught me.

Now am I right-handed or left-handed?

Now how would I know a thing like that? Well, I will give you a clue.

Nathan, give me that go--

Now to continue with what I was talking about.

Tonight, in Miss Sarah Brown's mission, they are holding a prayer meeting.

Now, I promised to supply that meeting with some sinners.

When it comes to sinners... sewer in the world could provide such a congregation.

I would consider it a very great personal favor.

I don't wanna spend no time in no Hallelujah joint.

If not as a favor to me, a favor to yourselves.

I guarantee, the air in the mission smells cleaner than it does down here.

Rusty Charlie?

Society Max?

If anybody else would go, I would also go, Sky.

But you know me, I'd go anywhere.

Well, thanks, Nathan. But just you alone is not enough.

Well, I tried.

Uh, Sky...

About that Havana business.

I regret that I temporarily do not have the 1000 to pay you.

I'm glad you reminded me, Nathan.

You won the bet.

But I thought you took Miss Sarah to Havana.

You thought wrong.

Get on your feet, Big Jule.

I now have dough to roll you again.

But this time with real dice. Nothing doing.

With honest dice, Big Jule cannot make a pass to save his soul.

What did you say? I only said with real dice...

...Big Jule cannot make a pass to save his soul.

That's very interesting.

Then maybe with honest dice...

...I can make a pass to save his soul.

And yours and yours and yours.

I'm gonna roll these dice.

One roll.

And on that roll I'm gonna bet each of you $1000 against your soul.

One thousand cash against a marker for your soul.

If I win, all of you show up at the mission tonight. Have I got a bet?

Let me get this. Hold it. Let me get this.

If you lose, then you gotta give us each a thousand bucks, huh?

But if you win, then we all gotta show up at the mission doll's cabaret?

Save-A-Soul Mission, midnight tonight. One meeting.

If you lose, a thousand apiece? Thousand apiece.

Well, that's okay by me. What have I got to lose?

What's the delay, Sky? You turning chicken?

You know better than that, Horse. You've seen me roll for twice as much.

Only I got...

I got a lot more than money riding on this one.

They call you Lady Luck But there is room for doubt At times you have a very unladylike way Of runnin' out You're on this date with me The pickings have been lush And yet before this evening is over You might give me the brush You might forget your manners You might refuse to stay And so the best that I can do Is pray Luck, be a lady tonight Luck, be a lady tonight Luck, if you've ever been A lady to begin with Luck, be a lady tonight Luck, let a gentleman see How nice a dame you can be I know the way you've treated Other guys you've been with Luck, be a lady with me A lady doesn't leave her escort It isn't fair, it isn't nice A lady doesn't wander all over the room And blow on some other guy's dice So let's keep the party polite Never get out of my sight Stick with me, baby, I'm the fella you came in with Luck, be a lady Luck, be a lady Luck, be a lady tonight

A lady wouldn't flirt with strangers She'd have a heart, she'd have a soul A lady wouldn't make Little snake eyes at me Snake eyes! - When I've bet my life on this roll

- So let's keep the party polite Why don't he shoot?

- Never get out of my sight Come on! Quit stalling!

Stick with me, baby, I'm the fella you came in with

- Be a lady Sky's turnin' yellow!

- Luck, be a lady What are you scared of?

- Luck, be a lady What's the matter? Roll the dice!

- Tonight Comin' out, comin' out Comin' out, comin' out, comin' out right Ha!

I tell you, I don't wanna go there.

But, Big Jule, you give your marker.

And if you welsh, this will cause me no little embarrassment.

I am sure you do not wanna cause me embarrassment.

Well, if it ever gets back to Chicago that I went to a prayer meeting... decent person will talk to me.


Adelaide. How clumsy of me.

So sorry. An awkward coincident.

Adelaide, listen. I sent Nicely especially to explain about tonight.

If you knew what I'd been through.

Please, let us not have a vulgar scene.

After all, we're civilized people.

We do not have to conduct ourselves like a slob.

Adelaide, what is this? How can you be so upset...

...over one lousy elopement?

I am not upset.

I have succeeded in your not being able to upset me no more.

I have got you completely out of my...

Gesundheit. System.

Oh, Nathan.

Adelaide, baby.

Don't do that to me. I can't stand it when you cry.

Look, we'll get married, I promise you.

And we'll have what you always wanted.

A little white house with a green fence.

Just like the Whitney colors.

Oh, Nathan, if I could only believe you.

We could still make everything all right.

We could elope right now. Adelaide, could we?


I almost forgot. But right at this time I cannot.

Why not?

I'm gonna tell the truth, but you will not believe me.

Nathan, why can't we elope?

I have to go to a prayer meeting.

That is the biggest and the most unforgivable lie you have ever told me.

It's true. I promise you.

You promise me this You promise me that You promise me everything under the sun But you give me a kiss And you're grabbin' your hat And you're off to the races again

- When I think of the time gone by Adelaide, Adelaide

- And I think of the way I try Adelaide I could honestly die Call a lawyer and sue me, sue me What can you do me? I love you Give a holler and hate me, hate me

- Go ahead, hate me, I love you The best years of my life I was a fool to give to you All right, already, I'm just a no-goodnik All right, already, it's true So new So sue me, sue me What can you do me?

I love you You gamble it here, you gamble it there You gamble on everything, all except me And I'm sick of you keepin' me up in the air Till you're back in the money again

- When I think of the time gone by Adelaide, Adelaide

- And I think of the way I try Adelaide I could honestly die

Serve a paper and sue me, sue me What can you do me? I love you Give a holler and hate me, hate me

- Go ahead, hate me, I love you When you wind up in jail

- Don't come to me to bail you out All right, already, so call a policeman All right already, it's true So new So sue me, sue me What can you do me?

I love you

You're at it again, you're running the game I'm not gonna play second fiddle to that I'm sick and I'm tired of starting a row I'm telling you now that we're through

- When I think of the time gone by Adelaide, Adelaide

- And I think of the way I try Adelaide I could honestly die

Sue me, sue me Shoot bullets through me I love you

According to my wrist chronometer, it's well past midnight.

It seems to me that if this big meeting we're going to be as big as you'd hoped... now, somebody... You're quite right, general.

Sarah. Why keep up this silly pretending?

It's childish of us to think we could suddenly make sinners appear for this big meeting...

...when we've failed so miserably up to now.

And when I say "we," general, I mean I've failed.

Welcome, brothers, welcome.

Come in, come in. Come on. Move in. Everybody in.

Hats off. Step along. You too, Big Jule.

Move it. Come on, kid.

Keep moving. Come on.

All right, is everybody accounted for?

Where's Nathan Detroit? Present.

All right.

Well, I made good my marker.

I would ask you to return it...

...but it would break up your pretty set of thoughts for today.

When you get around to it...

...mark it "paid in full."

Won't you gentlemen sit down?

Sit down. Do as you're told.

On behalf of General Cartwright, Sergeant Sarah Brown and the rest of us--

The army has certainly changed.

In the next war, I wanna be a Red Cross nurse.

Quiet, quiet!

I would like to remind you, gentlemen...

...that you are no longer on your knees in a sewer...

...but sitting in a mission.

I trust that there will be no further unpleasantness.

And now, since I depart to move on to other places...

...I'm appointing Nathan Detroit as my deputy.

Nathan, I hand you all their markers, to be returned when they are made good.

And anybody who does not play out this hand strictly...

...according to Hoyle will answer to me personally.

And that means in person.

What a remarkable young man.

I will add nothing to what Sky said except to say that there are many here...

...upon who, if they get out of line...

...I would squeal with pleasure.

Brother Arvide, your dice.

Gentlemen, our meeting tonight, will be conducted... the regional director of the Save-A-Soul Mission...

...General Cartwright.

I have rarely attended a meeting in any of our branches...

...which could boast of so many evil-looking sinners.

Now surely your hearts must be heavy with sins to which you want to confess.

Who will be the first to start the ball rolling by giving testimony?

Benny Southstreet, give testimony.

I plead the fifth commandment. Come, brothers.

We know how difficult it is.

But if one will open your heart, the others will follow.

Benny, this is an order. Tell the people what a bum you are.

Well, I was always a bad guy.

I was even a bad gambler.

I would like to be a good guy and a good gambler.

I thank you.

Who will be next? Big Jule.

What's the pitch?

Tell the people all the terrible things you done but ain't gonna do them no more.

And watch your language.

Well, I used to be bad when I was a kid.

But ever since then I've gone straight... I can prove by my record, 33 arrests and no convictions.

Horse. No!

Harry the Horse. Go ahead, go ahead.

Well, when Sky was rolling us against our souls--

I beg your pardon?

Sky Masterson, he rolled us a thousand bucks against our souls. That's why we're here.

I don't think I understand. I'll interpret for you, general.

He means that they are here only because...

...Sky Masterson won them in a dice game.

Then this whole meeting, in a way, is the result of gambling.

Fire fought with fire.

Sergeant Sarah, you are to be congratulated.

Congratulations, Sarah.

Thank you so much.

Hey, hey, hey!

I ain't finished my testimony yet.

So my sin is that when Sky was rolling us...

...I wished that I could win the thousand bucks instead of having to come here.

But now that I'm here, I still wish it.

Something very funny has been happening to me.

Sitting here, I mean.

Like I've been remembering a dream.

Tell us, Nicely. Tell us in your own words.

Yeah, that's it, a dream.

I dreamed last night I got on the boat to heaven And by some chance I had brought my dice along And there I stood And I hollered, "Someone fade me!"

But the passengers They knew right from wrong For the people all said sit down Sit down, you're rockin' the boat People all said sit down Sit down, you're rockin' the boat And the devil'll drag you under By the sharp lapel of your checkered coat Sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down Sit down, you're rockin' the boat

I sailed away On that little boat to heaven And by some chance Found a bottle in my fist And there I stood Nicely passin' out the whiskey But the passengers were bound to resist For the people all said beware You're on a heavenly trip People all said beware Beware, you'll scuttle the ship And the devil'll drag you under By the fancy tie round your wicked throat Sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down Sit down, you're rockin' the boat And as I laughed At those passengers to heaven

A great big wave came And washed me overboard And as I sank and I hollered "Someone save me!"

That's the moment I woke up

- Thank the Lord Thank the Lord Thank the Lord And I said to myself sit down Sit down, you're rockin' the boat Said to myself sit down Sit down, you're rockin' the boat And the devil'll drag you under With a soul so heavy you'd never float Sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down Sit down, you're rockin' the boat Sit down you're rockin', sit down, sit down Sit down, you're rockin' the boat Sit down you're rockin', sit down, sit down Sit down, you're rockin' the boat Sit down - You're rockin'

The boat

Now, Brother Brannigan. What can we do for you?

Maybe you would like to testify?

I'll do my testifying in court...

...where I will testify that you ran a crap game..., in the mission, last night.

A crap game? In the mission?

Miss Sarah, you were standing right there when they ran out. You saw them.

Aren't these the men?

You must be mistaken, lieutenant.

I never saw these gentlemen before in my life.

There's a right broad.

And now if you'll excuse us, lieutenant, we'd like to go on with our meeting.

Tell me something.

Is my name Brannigan?

When last seen. Thanks.

I was beginning to wonder.

On behalf of everybody concerned, thanks, Miss Sarah.

Also at this time I would like to personally make a confession.

General, we did shoot crap here last night...

...but unbeknownst to anybody connected with the mission.

And for this, we're all sorry.

Ain't we, boys?

Ain't we, boys? Oh, yes.

I'm really sorry.

I did another terrible thing.

I bet a certain guy that he could not take a certain doll away with him...

...on a trip to Havana.

I know this I should not have done...

...although it did not do no harm because...

Well, I won the bet. You won the bet?

Sure, the guy told me he did not take the doll away.

And for this I feel much better.

Gentlemen, we will now sing number 244 in your songbook.

"Follow the Fold."

You will find it on page 27.

Follow the fold and stray no more Stray no more Stray no more Put down the bottle And we'll say no more Follow, follow the fold

Brothers and sisters, as you all know, traffic is heavy this time of night... our ceremony will be brief.

Do you, Sarah Brown, take Sky Masterson to be your lawful-wedded husband?

I do.

Do you, Sky Masterson, take Sarah Brown to be your lawful-wedded wife?

I do.

Do you, Miss Adelaide, take Nathan Detroit to be your lawful-wedded husband?

I do.

Do you, Nathan Detroit, take Miss Adelaide to be your lawful-wedded wife?

That means he does. He's gotta say it.

I do.

Then under the authority granted me by the state of New York...

...county of New York, City of New York, I hereby pronounce you men and wives.