Half Magic (2018) Script


WOMAN: Danny, don't splash me! [LAUGHS]

Stop. I'm getting wet.

-MAN: That's the idea. -[WOMAN GIGGLING]

-WOMAN: Stop it. -Hi, sweetie.

MAN: Oh, come on!

Come on, let's go back to my place.

WOMAN: Maybe we should wait.

MAN: Wait, schmait!

These two people are not married, and they're going to have premarital sex.

You could go to hell for that.

All right, that's it. You're not allowed to watch this show anymore.

It inspires urges that are...

-wrong and bad. -WOMAN: Let's go to your place.

MAN: Groovy!

You could go to hell for those urges.

In hell, there is a fire that will lap at you for all eternity.

You gotta decide...

Do you want to go to heaven, or do you wanna go to hell?



Yeah. You a bad girl? Huh? You a bad girl?

-I'm a bad girl. -Yeah!

You're a dirty little slut, huh? Dirty little slut, -yeah. -Um, yes.

Say it. Say you're a dirty slut.

-I'm a dirty slut. -Yeah, you're a dirty slut!


Oh. Hmm.

Hmm. Hmm.





Why do you always call me a dirty little slut?


Come on. You love it.

I like having sex on a bed.

Is this because maybe you're, uh, you're jealous that I'm more successful than you?

-[DOOR KNOCKING] -MAN: Mr. Brock, we're ready for you onstage.

Peter, you have been in one great movie after another.

Walk me through your process.

How do you prepare for this?

I tell you, I play a lot of action heroes.

Um... and in those-- in those movies, I have heavy artillery. I have guns, okay?

I have a gun on me right now.

Not physically, in the physical sense.

I put it on the table earlier. It's right here.

Imagine it, okay?

-It's an emotional gun for me. -Right.

This gun's here... all the time.

Sometimes I put it in my pocket, sometimes I put it in my...

That's how I prepare. I'm always ready.

I'm always the action hero. Bang! Not real.

But real.

-MAN: Uh-- -I'll do it.

Don't do it.

I won't do it.

You've been doing this for years, and years and years.

Certainly, you've heard some of the talk on the streets.

People say that Peter is just a tough guy, a hard guy to work with. How do you respond to that?

Yeah, Napoleon died exiled on an island of-- of leprosy.

That's-- that's true.

-That's history. -MAN: Yeah.

Jesus died on the cross, you know?

Um, visionaries die sometimes quicker than non-visionaries.

You're a visionary?

PETER: Thank you. But I'm not saying--

-Oh, you're asking. I think... -It was a question.

...um, I think that's up for kinda the press to decide, and I think that bloggers, and people who write physical magazines have said I was a-- a visionary.

People have-- have tweeted me about that.

You know, you made Bros Before Hos.

Why don't you make the female version?

I-- I wrote a great script. It's called Chicks Before Dicks.

-Did you read it? -Uh, look, Boo Boo, you have all the talent. You really do.

And I'm the one that discovered you and gave you your big break, right?

-Yeah. -Yeah, I promoted you

-to be my D girl, right? -I want to be a writer.

I know you want to be a writer, and in due time.

Really. Your writing is great. It's fresh and very unique.

But you're bogging yourself down talking about stupid shit. You know what? You--

Nobody wants to hear about women's stories, all right?

If you want to make a film, you got to talk about a man.

You gotta write about a man. That's what you have to do.

Well, can you read my script? It's called The Year of My Yoni.

It's about a woman who goes on a spiritual quest to find happiness and to learn about her yoni.

Yoni? I don't even know what that is.

Is that, like, a new way of saying "vagina"?

It sounds like a porno. I'm not into it.

Look, a guy bashing another guy's skull in with a baseball bat, that's what sells.

Well, I could change the title to The Ultra-Violent Yoni.

You know, that's a good start. You could put more violence in your script, that'd definitely get a better chance of getting it made. Um, on my end, I'm gonna put more female characters

-in my next script. -Really?

Yeah, uh, it's called Kill the Sluts.

Uh, I'm gonna pick a title that's more PC a little bit later.

That's a working title. But basically, uh, the movie's about this crazy psychopathic killer that goes on a killing rampage and kills all these teenage sluts.

But the only person that he can't kill is an 18-year-old virgin.

Don't you think that'll send out a weird message to women and teenage girls about sex? And those women might grow up and have a lot of issues.

I'm not saying I'm against women's rights.

I'm just saying that there's no market for their films.




-[LAUGHS] -WOMAN: Hello!


-Welcome! -Welcome, goddess!

Is this your first time?

-I guess so. -Are you ready to uncover your deepest desires and join the pleasure revolution?

-HONEY: I don't know. -That's good enough for now.

You are in exactly the right place.

-ROXY: Yes! Welcome! -HONEY: Oh.

Fear! So what?

Failure! So what?

WOMAN: My pussy is strong!

My pussy is strong!

My pussy is a genius!

ALL: My pussy is a genius!

We must listen to our pussies.

ALL: We must listen to our pussies.


Ladies, I would now like to introduce you to a dear friend of mine, my mentor, -Dr. Christiane Northrup! -[CHEERING]

-What a pleasure. -Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

All right...

I have something... really magical to tell you.

I love my breasts.

Say it with me.

ALL: I love my breasts.

I love your breasts, too, Chris.

-And I love yours. Thank you. -Oh, thank you.

Now it is time to honor the breasts of the women in the room.

I would like you to turn to the person next to you, and look at her breasts and say, "Your bodacious ta-tas honor me and they honor you."

Find-- everybody find a partner, please.


Excuse me, could you-- could you be my partner?

-WOMAN: Yes, sure. -Okay.

Hi! I don't have a partner.

Is it possible we could do a three-way?

I've never done a three-way.

This is my third time taking the class.

First time...

I liked my boobs.

Second time, I loved my boobs.


[WHISPERING] I really, really love my boobs.

-Mm! -Wow.

Yeah. This is a powerful exercise to release the shame that we carry in our sexual organs.

Okay! [SIGHS]

Your bodacious ta-tas honor me and they honor you.

Your bodacious ta-tas honor me and they honor you.


Your bodacious ta-tas honor me and they honor you.

Wow! This is my first lesbian experience.

I didn't know I had it in me. [LAUGHS]

Okay. I-- are you Eva St. Claire the designer?

-Yes. -Wow, I'm--

Why are you in this class? You seem so together.

Believe me...

I have issues.

WOMAN: That is now the end of the class for the Divine Feminine Workshop.

We will be meeting next week to worship

-and decorate our pussies. -[GASPS]


WOMAN: Thank you.

[ALL CHANTING] Pussy! Pussy! Pussy! Pussy!

This class changed my life.

This class, my color-therapy workshops, and my past-life regression conferences.

-What's color therapy? -Oh!

It's about how certain colors make you feel.

That sounds helpful.


Do you guys want to come to the place where I work?

I cast magical spells to make your dreams come true.

I'm a hope-ologist.

-What's a hope-ologist? -I just made that word up.

Isn't it awesome?

I believe in the religion of hope, or hope-ology.

I just made that up, too!

I just spent an hour singing about my pussy, so why the hell not?

Yeah, I mean, it's either that or going home to think about how much I hate myself, -so let's do it. -Let's do it!

♪ Sha-ba-lum ah-ooh Sha-ba-lum ♪

♪ Ah-ooh sha-ba-lum Ah-ooh ♪ This place is really cool.

CANDY: Okay.

So... what do you want to wish for?

-How does it work? -Oh...

I carve these candles and cast spells on them.

I don't know if it's positive intention or creative visualization or actual magic, but these spells work for a lot of people.

Some of my regulars call me The Witch.

-What kind of spells? -Oh! All kinds.

Some for serious stuff, like for love, or work and stuff, but some fun ones, too, like, "I want my own unicorn."

They aren't magical.

They're overpriced candles for rich idiots who got nothing better to do.

Your paycheck's on my desk.

Can you take out the trash while you're at it?

I don't want the rats getting in there.

Sorry, Mr. J.

Did Mr. Fun Time just call us idiots?

What an asshole. I think some people just don't have enough imagination.

Honey, I think you should go first.

[SIGHS] Okay. Um, hmm.

Well, I want to have hot sex with someone who's really nice to me. [SIGHS]

Hot sex. Yes. Give it to me! I want that, too.

I want to not fall asleep during sex.

I want to be awake.

I want to be... an active part of it.

-Okay, I want in. I want in! -Okay.


I'm gonna use the red candle for passion.

So... you hold the candle and you think about what you want to release from your life, and then think about what you want.

Picture the hot sex.


All right.

I want to have the hottest sex I've ever had with someone who's really nice to me.

And so mote it be.


It's witch talk for "and so shall it be."

Witch talk.

I like it.


You guys, I really just want my ex-husband back.

[SIGHS] I don't need hot sex.

I mean, like... room-temperature-warm sex would be nice for me. Here we go.

-[SIGHS] -And so mote it be.

And so mote it be.


I want hot sex with Daniel.

-So mote it be. -So mote it be.


Okay, I don't know if all of this is BS, but I actually feel better.

Oh, my God, I'm invited to a fun party tonight!

Do you guys want to go with me?

-Yeah! -CANDY: Yeah!

♪ I got the light ♪

♪ I got the light ♪

♪ I got the light ♪

♪ I got the light ♪

♪ I got the light ♪


♪ I got the light ♪

-CANDY: Oh, my God. -Wait for it.

♪ I got the light ♪ Oh, yeah! Here we go.


Oh, my God! Amazing!


♪ I got the light ♪



EVA: Oh, my God.



♪ I got the light ♪

♪ I got the light ♪

-Hey! -Ah!

-EVA: Hi! -It's so good to see you, babe.

Good to see you, too.

And who is your gorgeous friend?

EVA: Oh, uh...

Honey, this is Freedom. He's a great artist.

He does these cool light installations.

-HONEY: Nice to meet you. -Nice to meet you.


I would really love to show you my art installations.

I would love to see your art installations.

Yeah, I'd really love to dance with you right now.

-Okay! -Yeah.


♪ I got the light ♪

♪ I got the light ♪

♪ I got the light ♪

♪ Oh I got the light ♪

-Want to get something to eat? -[SIGHS]

I-- I can't, 'cause I have to get up early tomorrow, and I have a boyfriend.


What's that?

"No one... can take away the dance."

-[CHUCKLES] -It's a Spanish saying.

No matter what happens, we'll always have this wonderful night... and our dance.


Thanks for your jacket. [CHUCKLES]

That was fun.

♪ I got the light ♪

♪ I got the light ♪ ♪ I got the light ♪

-The dance lives forever. -[FREEDOM CHUCKLES]

FREEDOM: Dance lives forever!

♪ I got the light ♪

-♪ I got the light ♪ -♪ I got the light ♪

-♪ I got the light ♪ -♪ All of the way ♪

♪ I got the light ♪ This is what I want to happen. I want the slut to have an orgasm, and when she has an orgasm I want the killer to come up behind her and just stab her in the ass, okay?

I want there to be a lot of blood in this scene.

Like, almost too much, where you're like...

But--but a lot, but, like-- but, like, almost too much.

I also want there to be very good dialogue, okay? And that's where you come in.

So I want the character to say something cool, like, "Fuck you, bitch! Fuck you!"

"Fuck you, bitch. Fuck you." Got it.

Do whatever you want to do, but that.

I'm sick of watching women get stabbed in movies. [SIGHS]

I think it's a great idea, Peter. I love all your ideas.

So much.

Excuse me, but why does the woman who enjoys sex always have to die in horror films?

Maybe she could fight back.

We could work in some more nudity that way.

What if the slut fights the killer and every orgasm she has makes her stronger.

[CHUCKLES] That's funny.

I think we should at least try it.

Well, you know what, John? I would try that, but I-- I can't-- I actually--

I think that that's probably the worst fucking idea I've ever heard in my entire life, so I probably can't do that one.

I like sluts. Why do they all have to die?

I mean, nobody kills male sluts in movies.

I like sluts, too.

Who doesn't like sluts?

Maybe one should live.

Well... Linda, the thing is, you already approved

-the draft that I wrote, so-- -Who are you?

I'm a development person.

Well, yeah, she was my old assistant until recently I promoted her into development before I realized what an angry feminist she is.

She's also a writer. Actually, a really good writer.

Well, we all write.

I want to be a writer.

I'm-- I'm the young assistant.

-Peter's. -All right, well, you know, that's confusing, but I like this idea. I think we should explore it.

-Yeah, Linda, but I think-- -Peter, I gave you final cut.

No studio's gonna offer you that. The slut lives.

Old assistant person, I would like you and John to work on the next draft.

Get it to me when you're done.

-[HONEY SIGHS] -PETER: Linda, if I could just--

LINDA: Yeah, I have an appointment in St. Barts later today.


Excuse me, but what the hell was that?

Well, when we started working together, you said you liked my ideas.

It embarrasses me to think about the idiotic films that you want to make.

Thought it was a good idea.

Better than a guy stabbing a girl in the ass.

Sex and violence is a proven formula that makes a profit.

Well, what about... sex and happiness?

You're embarrassing yourself!

The-- What are you talking about?

I want to break up.

PETER: What? Really?

You want to break up with-- with me?

Do you have any idea how many girls want to sleep with me right now, huh? So many.

I'm Peter Brock, okay?

Well, why don't you go have sex with them?

Yeah, maybe I-- maybe I will, okay?

But, no, you know what? Actually... rewind. I break up with you.

Before what you said, I break up with you before you said you break up with me.

It was my idea.

Great idea.

I'm Peter Brock. Look at this.

Look at all-- There's three posters here.

More-- I--

There's some behind the door I didn't even hang up.

You are my honey bunny. Come here.

You are my honey bunny.


Get me a coffee.



Yeah, but he sounds like a wanker.

Why work for him?

Well, it's hard to find work in the movie business.

-It's a man's world. [SIGHS] -Yeah, well, yeah. Huh?


Do you like eating with your hands?

Um, I don't know.

Mm. You know, you can just feel the food, you know?

Sometimes I just want to eat like a dog.

Yeah, I just want to put my face in there, yeah?


[GROANS] Mm-mm!


Come on, try it.

Oh, it's so good. Give it a go.

-Come on. -Oh, no, it's okay.

Come on. You've got to try this.

Come on.

-Mm. Yum. -Yeah? Right?

-Delicious. [CHUCKLES] -Yeah.

It's straight from the plate to your face.

Wow, it's so much better this way.

It is, absolutely. I'm gonna join you down here.

Mm! Oh, it's so good! Mm!

CANDY: [PANTING] I love you.

MAN: I love you.


You know I don't... want a relationship, right?

You knew that, though, right? [CHUCKLES]

-That's just... That's just... -[LAUGHS] Wait.

Well, aren't we already actually having a relationship?

-I mean... -I mean, if you wanna--

...we've been dating for two years and you just told me you loved me.

Oh, Yeah, well, you know, I-- Yeah, I love you, you know, I--

I love you as a sister, you know, as a friend, and... as-- as a sexual partner, uh... as-- as a fellow human being, you know?

But I think we should just find a new and better way to-- to do relationships.

-You know? -Yeah. [CHUCKLES]


-Right? -Okay.

Oh. Shit. Babe, I got to-- I got to go, actually, 'cause I have a... I just-- I just got a crazy week.

Oh, can I also, uh--

Babe, can I-- can I leave that, uh, my laundry here and, uh... get it on Thursday?

You want me to do your laundry while you date other women?

That's... I mean, that would be really insensitive if we were in some old-fashioned, you know, closed-minded... relationship, but since we're not, you know, we're-- we're, uh, we're not confining ourselves to societal norms, then I think--

I think it's fine. Yeah.

All right.



Hey. Um, me again. Listen, I was just gonna say why don't you just ignore those previous voicemails, okay?

Because... [SIGHS] here's-- here's the real truth, okay?

Let's get honest.

I am great.

I'm great. I'm so great.

And I'm super-happy for you and Chandra.

And here's the thing, I'm so happy! I'm so happy and I'm great.

Like, if great were people, I'd be, like, fucking--

Where is there a lot of people? India?

Beijing? I'm fucking Beijing. That's how great I am.

So I saved one of your messages that you left me, you know, right when you were, like, "Hey, by the way, I'm fucking a 19-year-old."

It's such a great message. It's so amazing.

I'm so glad you told me things on a voicemail.

You are so brave.

And by "brave," I mean, like, you're a fucking idiot.

I just wanted you to know that.

I saved it, and I play it for my friends.

And we laugh and laugh.

And then I tell them about your weird dick.

And I'm fucking naked.

And I have on-- [GROANS]

I have on those... high-heel, like, fuck-me pumps that you love.

Oh, yeah, I'm naked.

Mm. You know what else?

Remember that time you told me to squeeze your dick really hard at the base of it?

I'm fucking doing that... and you don't-- Yeah, and it's awesome.

So, baby, call me.

'Cause I could suck your cock. [SOBBING]

I really think you should come over, 'cause I might do something bad to myself.

Oh, my God, I might do something so bad, and then...

I mean, I don't know what I would do, but it would be bad, and then you would feel guilty, like, for the rest of your life.


I can't wait to hear from you. Okay.




This is amazing.


-Is this all your art? -Oh, yeah.

See... our society is sick, yeah?

[SIGHS] It's no wonder the Earth is dying, 'cause the culture sends its message, yeah?

Join the rat race. Make money.

Be a winner, otherwise you're nothing.

It's read Us Weekly. Drink the Kool-Aid.

Fuck that shit.

I'm my own man. I mean, sure, got to make money.

But I don't let them own me by seeking their approval, yeah?

I'm free. [GASPS]

Why I chose the name Freedom.



I don't go to exercise classes, you know?

I do my own thing.


Why follow the man?

I create my own moves I don't need someone to give them to me. [CHUCKLES]

Well, yoga exercises are thousands of years old for a reason. They really work.

Why don't you let the man out of you?

Why don't you go your own way... instead of trying to please people?


Are you gonna keep doing those moves?

Oh, yeah.



Are you in there?


Fuck-me pumps, huh?

EVA: Uh, they're upstairs. You want me to get them?

No. That's okay.

I took them off 'cause they hurt my feet.

-Mm-hmm. -You put on the sweats.

I was worried, obviously.

So many messages.

You were worried about me?

Well... 14 messages and some suicide threats.

I never said suicide. I said, "Maybe something bad."

And that you would die alone. You're not gonna die alone.

But if you do... it's because of doing things like this.

You look really nice.

Thank you. I'm gonna go.

It's Chandra's birthday. We're doing a thing.

[GASPS] It's her birthday?

Oh, wait, I have a question for you.

-Mm-hmm. -Like, where was Chandra... when I was putting you through art school?

Oh, my God! That's right!

Here comes the flood.

-Oh, my God! -Here it is.

-She was in kindergarten. Yay! -We are doing this.

Well, guess what, Eva, I could never keep up with you, 'cause all you ever cared about was money.

You're a fucking liar, because I don't care about money.

I put you through art school. You're just like... What?

What do you even do for a living?

You drive a douchebag car.

I wanted a much douchier car than that.

That was the one we could afford.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that.

I don't like you right now.

I love you... somewhat. But right now...

I don't think you would like you, either, 'cause you're being horrible... and you look... horrible.

[SOBBING] I just wanted to have a baby!

Okay. Come here.

Come here. Come here.

-Hi. Hi. -Don't, don't, don't.

No, don't make it a thing. Don't make it a thing.

Oh, my God, you smell so weird.

-You smell so good. -No, just don't.

Don't humiliate yourself anymore than you have, okay?

You smell like...

-I don't know, like, lavender-- -Okay. Just stop. Just stop.

Don't embarrass yourself...

-anymore. -You don't embarrass yourself, buddy. You settle down.

-What's happening down there? -Don't. Don't.

-We're not. -[SIGHS] Okay.

Brew up some coffee. Don't. Please.

I care very deeply about you without loving you.

Throw up, go to sleep, take a shower.

I already threw up.

[SOBBING] I love you so much.

Bye. Thank you for coming!


The only reason a man and a woman should have carnal knowledge of each other... is to create a child.


Any other physical union between a man and a woman... is a sin.


And sins are punishable by hellfire and damnation.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

-You will go to hell! -HONEY: I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. [MOANING]

You all right?

-Did I just say that out loud? -Yeah.

It felt so good.

It felt like I was doing something wrong.

I'm fucked up.

I don't think you're fucked up.

-You don't? -No.

I think you're divine.

Divinity itself... in a physical form.

-Really? -Yeah.


I thought I knew what sex and orgasms were before, but I did not.

I feel like I understand the meaning of life now, and the meaning of life is to have as much sex as possible with this guy over and over again.

Oh! Great sex!

Oh, it makes you do stupid things.

I feel like I tried to please the guy so much before that I never, like, really got off.

Darren would just... [SIGHS] jam it in there without a lot of warm-up.

And that was on the rare occasions that he could get it up. [SIGHS]

This is your ex?

You know what? People say they want to hear the truth, but they don't. They just want to be, like, "Oh, poor Eva.

Did you hear Eva's husband cheated on her?"

Here's the truth, I supported him financially for 14 years.

That emasculated him. Oh, poor guy.

So then he got erectile dysfunction. "Oh, wah"

So then he had to go fuck a 21-year-old, so he could feel like a man again!

He's not worthy of you, 'cause you're great.


Thank you.

I feel like I have to do everything the guy says or he'll leave me.

Like, I've been dating this guy for two years, pretending the entire time like I don't know he's dating other girls.

You need to ask him for what you want. Just say, "I only want you to see me."

Or date other men and flaunt them in front of him.

Yeah, but I only want him.

God, why are we sitting around talking about how sad our lives are?

Why do women do that?

You know, you're right. We should be talking about how great we are, and if someone gives us a compliment, we should say, -"Thank you. It's true." -[LAUGHING]

You start.


-And give myself a compliment? -HONEY: Yeah.

Yeah, just do it.

Okay. Um...

I think I'm more attractive than I thought

'cause-- All right, well, there's this guy at the coffee cart on the beach.

He asks me out all the time.

He's super-attractive, and he's 28

[SCREAMS] You should go for it.

-No. -Yeah!

Really? Move over. There's a new skank in town.


I think I'm gonna tell my man that I'm not gonna do his laundry.

So there!

'Cause I am super hot, and he should feel lucky to tap that ass. So he better behave.

Yeah. He should do your laundry.

Yeah, you are so hot. Like, really hot.

Thank you. It's true.

Okay, your turn.

Okay. [SIGHS]

I'm not a dirty slut.

Having sex with me is a religious experience.

Yeah, it is.

-I want a new candle. -Oh, I brought the love candle.


-Thank you. -Eva.

So sweet.

You know, we talk about pleasing men, but what about pleasing us? You know what we should say?

"Get down there and lick it.

Lick it."

-[LAUGHING] -Lick it.

Darren never licked it. I think I'm due.

Lick it!

I like it.

Lick it.


♪ Sha-ba-lum ah-ooh ♪ I want to see Freedom again.

I want love and hot sex.

♪ Sha-ba-lum ah-ooh ♪


♪ Sha-ba-lum ah-ooh ♪


I hope you don't think I'm easy.

Why would I think you're easy?

'Cause we had sex on the first date.

I think it's weird not to have sex on the first date.


Hey, do you want to go back to my place and get stoned?

-Uh-huh. -Yeah?

♪ Sha-ba-lum ah-ooh ♪ One second.

-Want a hit? -I don't really smoke.

-Oh, come on. Just one. -Okay.


-Yeah. -[COUGHING]

You all right?


-You okay? -Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

When we were together... could you feel that energy going back... and forth between our souls?

-It felt amazing. -Yeah. Yeah.

I don't think we even need to talk, yeah?

Can't you just...

-feel what I'm thinking? -Uh...

I don't think so.

I bet you can, yeah?

Can you feel it now?

-Couldn't you just tell me? -No, no, no.

What about now?


I'm the most wonderful person you've ever met?





♪ All I could ever need Is you and I ♪

♪ And all I could ever want ♪

♪ All I could ever see ♪

♪ All I could ever want ♪

♪ All I could ever need Is you... ♪

♪ Oh I choose ♪

♪ And all I could ever want ♪

♪ All I could ever need Is you... ♪ WOMAN: You have never done anything wrong.

Sex is sacred and beautiful.

♪ All I could ever need Is you... ♪ What if all the sluts had mind-blowing orgasms?

Only when they're empowered by their orgasms can they defeat the evil mutant.

Empowered sluts. I like that. That's-- that's provocative.

You think we can get that past the ratings board?

Hey, guys, uh, sorry, I just downloaded this new app.

It detects shitty movie ideas, and it literally led me right here.

Anyway... let me know if you have any real movie ideas that we can turn into actual movies.

Okay. Bye.


Love that guy.

Oh, I wanted to say, um, I-- I read your script, uh, about the Afghan woman who fights for the right to divorce her husband. That was strong.

How did you get a copy of that?

I got connects. You know what I'm saying?

-Whoa. -Actually, Peter wanted me to, uh, write coverage.

Oh, I thought he read that one.

Well, I don't know. He's a busy guy.

But I really love the scene where Afshan says, um, "This is my woman part to do with what I want."

-[SIGHS] -That was pretty intense.

-You really liked it? -Yeah, it was powerful.




I want love.


And so mote it be.

♪ Ah-ooh ♪

♪ Ah-ooh ♪ Oh, thank you, honey.

Hi, um, I'll just take a regular coffee, please. Um, I'm just looking for this guy. I think he works here.

I don't know his name, but he's 28.

I know, 28. I know. I know. I know what you're thinking.

Do you know who I'm talking about?

-MAN: No. -No?


-Mark! -MARK: Hi!

Oh, my God.

Oh, it's been so long. How are you?

Good. I'm okay. Yeah.

How's Darren?

We got a divorce. He didn't tell you?

Uh, yeah, I... I heard.

-Sorry. -Yeah.

Uh, Rebecca and I got divorced, too.

I'm so sorry.

No, actually, it's for the best.

Plus we have two beautiful daughters, five and ten, so no regrets.


-Don't you want to get a coffee? -Uh, yeah, yeah. That's what I'm here for.


-What are you doing right now? -Uh... nothing.

You want to go for a walk, catch up a little?

Yeah, I'd really like that.

I was making dresses in my kitchen, and then just, boom! You know?

That's amazing.

I'm sorry to hear about your divorce. Uh...

-I feel like such a failure. -Oh, don't say that.

I just wish we would've had kids, you know, like you guys, but we were never on the same page with that.

Eva, you are in no way a failure.

You're a huge, huge success in every way.



Thank you. It's true.

"Thank you. It's true." I like that.

Did you know I left the law firm?


Yeah, you know, grew the hair out, stopped shaving... opened a restaurant.

No way!

Yeah. You always told me I should.

Remember that night I made the panna cotta

-with the aged balsamico? -Yes.

I had, like, a food orgasm over that dessert.

[CHUCKLES] Yes, you did.



You're amazing.

Thank you.

It's true.


I feel a little lost in my life.

-You know? -Okay.

I don't know, like, why am I a success?

I mean, is it because I make dresses?

Um... yeah, I suppose everybody would say that, but, uh, personally?

You're just good to be around.

I'm always happy when I'm near you.

That is crazy-sweet.

And you are crazy-beautiful.

[CHUCKLES] Oh, wait.

Oh, my God! What-- what?

I've had a crush on you for 14 years.

Really? Why? [CHUCKLES]

Wait, wait, wait.

What-- what, uh, what are we do-- what are we doing? Because I--

I haven't been with anyone

-since my husband-- -Shh.

Um-- I would like to keep my clothes on.

If you just--

Uh... God, you're--

Um-- Oh, my God! Wait!

Wait a second! That's-- Oh, my God! [CHUCKLES]

Oh, my God! You're so good at this!

I've wanted to do this since I met you.

That's what you were thinking the whole time... when we met at Walmart? Are you kidding me?

-Mm. -That's kind of weird.

Thank you for telling me, 'cause I was, like, thinking, "Oh, nice guy at Walmart.

He-- he buys, like, stuff in bulk. I get it."

Oh. Uh... Oh, my God. Oh, God.

Oh, God. And I then was, like, "Hey, you drive a Prius.

And that's cool. You know, cool person."

Hey, what-- what--

Just slow down on that bottom part. Oh, my God.

Shut up. I'm gonna stop talking now.

I'm not gonna talk anymore. I'm not gonna talk anymore.


You're, like, really good at this.

Oh, God. Wait, I didn't groom. I didn't groom!

Ah! Okay, okay, no, actually, I'm okay with that.

I'm okay with it. Never mind. Don't listen to me. Don't stop.

Don't stop. [GIGGLING]



I want love.



Do you have, uh, that bag? I'm doing that lecture on techno-social wormholes downtown, and they're, uh-- they're gonna put it on YouTube.

Isn't that great?

I didn't have time to do your laundry.

And... if you want to be with me, you can't date anybody else.

Have you noticed that I'm great?

'Cause you don't treat me that way.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where's all this coming from?

It's coming from me.

But you were fine with everything a few days ago.

I take care of you.

When are you gonna take care of me?

Relationships are hard for me. My parents got divorced.

Oh, God! Stop it!

Stop using that as an excuse for everything!

My family was fucked up, too! Let it go!

I don't really like your tone of voice right now, honestly.

You need to figure that out.

Uh, well, those don't look very clean to me.


They're very dirty.

-What? -Yeah.

Extremely dirty.

-And smelly! -Babe, seriously?

[GRUNTS] You know, you're gonna-- you're gonna regret this tomorrow.

And-- and when you do, you can call me, okay?

When you are ready to treat me like the amazing person I am, you call me! I won't be calling you.

Take that!

I was gonna wear this. I was gonna wear this.

Now it's even more dirty. It's more dirty now.



And, uh, where am I gonna clean these?

Do you have a place?

Okay, you know what? Thank you. Thank you. That's great.

Okay, we'll-- we'll talk.

The guy shows her the beauty of her own soul through sexuality, and then she defeats the killer.

-[SIGHS] -Hmm. Well, I'm not sure how to fit that into a teenage slasher film, but I like the challenge. I'm gonna get cracking on it.

PETER: Don't shoot the dinosaur. He's on your side.

What are you guys doing?

We're working on a video game based on the film.

Yeah, it's really gonna boost our profits on this one.

Peter came up with it all by himself.

The goal of the game is to build up your empire...

-This is my idea. -...and kill as many sluts and douchebags that get in your way.

That's is my idea.

Once you reach the higher levels, -you'll meet a virgin... -This is my idea.

-...with special powers. -My idea. My idea.

Every time you see a slut, -you can kill her... -That's my idea.

-...and get the points. -My idea.

Sometimes I like to shoot her in the boobs or crotch area.

-[LAUGHING] -The last one was his idea.

-[SCREAMS] -Boom! That slut went down!

-So what do you think? -[MAN LAUGHING IN GAME]

I think it's really disturbing and it makes me want to, like, vomit in my mouth.

Hey, man, I need you to go through the video game and make sure that all of the girls, under their shirts, you can see their erect nipples.

-I need you to do that for me. -Great idea!

So smart.

Look, The script that John and I are writing is a totally different story.

Yeah, I know, and thank God it's a different story, because your script sucked shit, and this video game is going to sell like Molly to a girl that doesn't talk to her parents that much, okay?

I need you to be on nipple supervision, all right?

You got to go through the video game and make sure that every girl's nipples are erect, okay?

We're gonna go for the only demographic that matters, and that's teenage boys.

Well, that's ridiculous because John and I are writing a great script.

I'm sorry. That app is going off that I downloaded.

It keeps going off when people say stupid shit.

Uh, let me fix this. Turn it off.

[CLEARS THROAT] You want to know what men really get off on?


The conquest, okay?

Look, I'm a hunter. We're hunters. We're men.

I'm a man. I'm a hunter, okay? I hunted you. I got you.

I found you. I kept you for a little bit, and then I got bored, and then you left and now I'm--

I'm attracted to you again, you know? That's what works.

The plan worked, okay?

So let's just go have sex in my office.


Everything you have is...

Turn your fucking head. What's your... What's your name?


You're the whitest guy in the world, and his name's fucking Demarcus. Hey, I'm DeShawn.

Anyway, every-- everything you have is because of me.

But I want to be a writer.

Can you just make sure you supervise all the nipples, please? That's what I need from you.

That is, if you want to get a paycheck, big boobs.


"I want to be a writer." [MUMBLING]

Mark was down there for so long.

I wonder what he was thinking about.

-He was thinking: Yum, yum! -[LAUGHING]

I feel like guys who won't go down on you aren't hetero enough.

I mean, what would they rather be doing, sucking a cock?

This guy sounds amazing.

You can totally tell the difference between a guy who's into it and a guy who's not.

I didn't even know that I liked it that much, but I haven't had sex with a lot of people.

It's good if a guy's good at it.

Otherwise, it's like sandpaper rubbing against your clitoris while you lay in a pool of saliva.

-Ah! -Oh!

Well, this guy was great at it.

I think he could write an instruction manual

-on tonguemanship. -Wow!

-Did you have sex? -I had great sex.

-I had the best sex of my life. -[BOTH GASP]

You guys both had great sex and I got nothing.

Are you going out again?

I don't know. What's the point?

-Getting head! -The best sex of your life.

I can't. I just look better with clothes on.

I don't want him to see me naked.

But you let him lick your naked vagina.

I know, but that was just one tiny section down there. And-- and I had clothes on.

Plus, I work with models all day at work, and they're in such great shape.

Just-- I look like crap compared to them.

You are hot!

I don't know.

Maybe he's too nice.

I'd take nice over mean any day.

Yeah, or commitment-phobic.

Let's make a pact to be with good guys only.

Guys who treat us great, like we deserve.

Yeah, good-guy pact.

Mark is so handsome.

There must be something wrong with him.

Or maybe I just don't know how to be with someone who's so sexually giving, which means I like jerks, which also means I can't be in the good-guy pact.

I'm gonna light a candle for you and Mark.

Me, too. Okay.

-Don't forget the pact. -[SIGHS]

Good guys only.

-Good guys only. -Good guys only.

-Maybe sometimes a jerk? -No.

-No. -No? Jerk sex?

-No jerk sex. -Aw.


Oh, hey.

Um, thank you for sending me your script, The Red Flow. I-- I thought it was hilarious.

-You read it? -I loved it.

Yeah, but will it ever be made?

A movie about a girl getting her period.

Why not?

You know, I really want to write a script about my new friends. They're, like, these modern-day witches. They're really inspiring.

Yes, witches, girl power.

Do it.

Have you heard about this video game that Peter is doing? It is so vile.

Yeah, I heard about it.

I wish I could destroy the computers or make my own video game called Sluts Fight Back.

[CHUCKLES] I love that. "Sluts Fight Back."

If I was technological, I'd just put a virus in the whole system and I would shut it down.

Well... well, it's funny that you say that, 'cause I happen to be technological.


What are you doing?

-[TYPING] -Technological stuff.

[SIGHS] We could be fired.

Not if no one finds out.



God. [SIGHS]

-You're a genius. -Yeah, you know what? I am a freaking genius.

-That was awesome. -[SIGHS]

It was so awesome.

What are you doing now? You wanna-- you wanna

-grab something to eat? -Oh, I have plans.

This may or may not change your mind, but aside from being a genius and a technological wizard, I am also, um... a really great rapper.

-Really? -Yeah, I'd love to show you some of my hip-hop stuff.

-Okay. -You ready for this?

-Yeah. -You sure?

-Uh, I think so. -Mm-hmm.


♪ You so ambitious ♪

♪ Your soul is sweet And superstitious ♪

♪ Your eyes your lip Your heart ♪

♪ They're breakin' records And the dishes ♪

♪ Mm-mm mm-mm ♪

♪ Mm-mm-mm Chicka-chicka ♪

♪ Mm-mm mm-mm ♪ This goes on for, like, four minutes.


-Don't give up your day job. -[LAUGHING] Come on!

-No, it was great. I loved it. -I just wanted to do it.

-That was brave. -I had an instinct.

Yeah, anyway, you got the technology smarts.

-Thanks, yo. -Word to your mother.

Word to your mother. Tell your mother I said word.

-[CHUCKLES] See you Monday. -Bye.


HONEY: Thanks for giving me this dress.

CANDY: Ditto.

Oh, God. Okay, okay, I don't know.

Maybe we shouldn't go.

-How do I look? -CANDY: You look hot!

You look so hot I want to have sex with you.

EVA: Okay, no, I just-- Oh! Would you guys stop it?

-Stop it! -I really wanna

-have sex with you. -Oh, my God, you guys are weird.

Okay, come on. I can't do this alone. Come on.



HONEY: Does Darren have a daughter?

No, that's his new girlfriend.




Holy shit!

-HONEY: Is that you? -EVA: Holy shit!

Is that me?

Oh, my God.

Not entirely accurate, okay? It's not 1984 down there.

Oh, I prefer a full bush.

-Really? -Mm-hmm.

-Hey. Hi. -Hi!


-I'm so glad you made it. -Congratulations.

Thanks. Thanks. Everybody's here.

-Times is here. -Oh.

L.A. Weekly. Yeah.

-Wow, well. -Yeah.

Your new art is really amazing, -and interesting. -I know. I know.

EVA: There's-- there's a lot happening...

-It's powerful stuff. -...with all of it.

I didn't get your smile exactly right, But, -eh, it's still great. -[CHUCKLES]

Hey. Let's have dinner on Saturday, huh?

-Really? -Yeah.

-Okay. -Great.

-Great. -Cool. Text you.

-Okay. -Okay.

Yeah, I got to go talk to some people.

Oh, okay, sure. You're busy.

Why is he wearing that weird hat?

I don't know.


Somebody fucked with our system!

I can't get this image off the screen!

I thought we were on a closed network!

Someone hacked into the program!

Someone with a password!

Uh, Peter, not to point fingers or anything...

Yeah, okay, look, I'm way ahead of you.

You're not a fucking detective, all right?

-Did you do this? -I can't even figure out how to download the software updates

-on my computer. -That's true.

She can't fucking download the software updates on her computer.

-What's your name? Darrell? -Demarcus.

-Demarcus, you're fired, dude. -Come on, man!

You're fired, and I'm gonna get a new nerd to make this system that you can't fuck with it.

Hey, you're the guy who has "password" as his password, man.

Well, why don't you fucking broadcast it on Twitter, man?

You're not supposed to tell people my password.

-I have to change it. -I can do the password.

You don't need to do it. I'll do it.

I'm gonna change it. Shit!

Oh, come on, man.

That sucks.

See you guys later.


You-- you haven't returned any of my calls.

I've been thinking about what you said.

Can you please let me in?

-I really need to talk to you. -What do you want?

Can you-- can you please let me in?

Tell me what you want.



Look, I-- I don't know. I--

This is really hard for me to say.


I really liked how you bossed me around.

You know, I didn't think I would, but... it... kind of turned me on.

Are you serious?

Yeah, is that really weird?

Yeah, kinda.

Can you... boss me around some more?




Give me ten minutes.

I want you to do my laundry!



And clean my apartment!

And then I want you to lick it!

-All right. -Crawl!


MARK: Eva.

-Hey! -Hi.

-How are you? -I'm good.

Welcome to my restaurant.

This place is incredible.

-Thank you. It's true. -[CHUCKLES]


Rebecca got sick and couldn't find a sitter, so...

I'd like to introduce you to my daughters.

Mary, Melinda...

-this is Eva. -Hi.

-I like your outfit. -Thank you. I make dresses.

I like princess dresses.

I could make you a princess dress.

-Would you like that? -Yes!

Can I have a dress?

-Absolutely, sweetie. -Yes.

What if you guys come back to my house after dinner?

I have lots of dresses. We could play dress-up.

'Cause I kind of want to hang out with these princesses.

They're pretty cool.


I'm having... a food orgasm right now.

-Oh, yeah? Good. -Oh, yeah. I am.

-[MARK CHUCKLES] -What's an orgasm?

-Oh, oops. I'm sorry. -Um, uh, it's, uh...

It's happiness.

-Hey. Right? -Yeah!

-Yeah. -How about some music?

-Mm-hmm. -You guys look beautiful!

Let's do a fashion show.

Oh, now that sounds like fun, right, girls?

-Yeah. -We're gonna have a little catwalk. What do you say?



Ready? Here we go.

♪ Combination must be All right ♪



♪ I feel it ♪ EVA: Go, big sister.

♪ I feel it ♪ Yay! Little miss. Go do your thing!

Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness.

-MELINDA: Daddy, you got to go! -Yes, Daddy!

Oh, I don't think I need to do that, no.

Oh, I think you need to.

What is that? It looks like a violent shoulder move.


MARY: Yay!

-Yeah! -Yeah!

Let's go. Let's do it again.

Meow. Freestyle. I'm a kitty cat.

Oh! Meow! Meow!

I'm a kitty. Work, work, work!

-♪ I feel it ♪ -♪ Oh, I feel it ♪

-♪ Oh, I feel it ♪ -♪ I feel it ♪

♪ Oh, I feel love ♪ Call me...




-Hello? -Hi. It's me.


Hey, what are you doing?

I'm just, uh, having a few people over, yeah?

Uh, you want to come by?

Feel the music!


-FREEDOM: Yeah, all right. -Okay, see you soon.





-MAN: One for everybody! -FREEDOM: Oh!

You in for the next round? Yeah?

You-- I know you want one.


-HONEY: Mm. -FREEDOM: Mm-hmm.

Oh, it's so good to see you.

I'm so glad you called. [CHUCKLES]

-You want a bump? -Oh, I'm sorry.

I don't do drugs. I'm a lightweight. [CHUCKLES]


-Do you want to dance, yeah? -HONEY: Sure.


Hey. I took too much of this tonight. You want some?

-Yeah, thank you. Yeah. -Yeah. Hey!

Mm. Try that?

-No, thanks. [CHUCKLES] -No?


You know, I've been thinking about you a lot.

-You have? -Yeah.

Why haven't you called?

Well, look in my eyes. Tell me what I'm thinking.

[CHUCKLES] Um, I don't know.

No, no! [CHUCKLES]

Talk to me. How do you feel?

-I like you. -You do?


I love you.


I love you, yeah?

Don't you know that? Can't you tell?

Sometimes I can't talk unless I'm wasted.

Yeah, I get scared.

I'm gonna talk to you now, yeah?

I love you.

Oh, I love you. [CHUCKLES]

Do you see it in my eyes? Yeah, can you feel it?

I love you.

-[CHUCKLES] I love you. -I love you. Mm. Mm.

I love you!

-I love you! -I love--



Oh, whoa.

My heart's beating really fast.

-Have you got a Valium? -No.

[PANTING] Xanax?

-NyQuil? -No.


No, it's all right. I'll just talk to my heart, yeah?

I'll make it come down, yeah. [BREATHING HEAVILY]

Do you want me to turn the music off?

No, no, no, it's fine. No, I can...

I can do it. Yeah, I can make it.

Make it calm down.

-Do you want to have sex? -Whoa, whoa, whoa, babe, babe.

Sorry. That hurts, yeah?


I've never felt that way before...

-[PANTING] -the way you made me feel.

Sex is beautiful.

I didn't have to feel bad about it.


I felt really good about myself.

No, that's great, babe, but...

I don't think I can have sex right now.

Oh, God, I hope I don't have to go to the emergency room again.

Oh, my God!

CANDY: And then I made him lick it!

And he did the whole alphabet for 45 minutes. I looked at the clock.

-What? -Oh, my God!

CANDY: I know!

And then I made him do my laundry.

Now I have the power.

Did you ask him if he's seeing the other girls?

Oh, God! No, I forgot! Ugh!

Well, maybe your power isn't very powerful, because you got him off, and you didn't get what you wanted.

CANDY: My power's very powerful.

Why don't you ask for what you want?

[SIGHS] I try to talk to him, but it's, like...

Ah! Nothing comes out.

What is wrong with me?

I mean, I can talk to you guys, but I cannot talk to him.

It's like when I'm around him, I just...

He makes me so nervous that I'm not myself.

I'm like a unicorn.

Everyone knows you can't see a unicorn unless you believe in them.

[SOBBING] It's like he can't see how... magic I really am.


Everyone can see it. It's super obvious.


What if I ask him for what I want... and he leaves me?

You should try.

Sometimes I don't even know what I want.

I think you're being too hard on yourself.

Okay, what candle did you bring?

The white candle.

For healing.

We all say...

"I wish to remove anything negative from my life."

ALL: I wish to remove anything negative from my life.

And so mote it be.


Oh, and I wish for a unicorn.


Are you dating other women?

Why are you talking in that weird voice?

I'm trying to sound powerful.

I thought that's what turned you on last time.

Yeah, it turned me on that you asked for what you wanted.

I just never knew what you were thinking before because you just always agreed with everything I said.

Well, I don't agree with a lot of things you say!

Maybe listen to me for once!


Stop dating other women! Are you dating other women?

Well, there are two other women that I sometimes see.

Pick me and only me.

I'll think about it.

And then she uncovers her true erotic nature and defeats the killer inside herself, which is really her own self-limiting beliefs.

Wow, that sounds like a real blockbuster.

Well, actually, I-- I do think it has potential to be a real blockbuster, because what we've done here is we've-- we've satisfied the demands of the genre while also creating something truly original.

Oh, sorry, man. I almost fell asleep with what you're saying, 'cause it's boring as shit.

Hey, do you want to have sex in the bathroom, or do you want to reject me like my own mother did, huh?

Why did you break up with me? Huh?

Why did you break up with me? All I wanted to do was love you, and mentor you, and help you achieve your true potential.

I'm sorry. I don't know what to say.

I hate that you're not into me.

It makes me so much more attracted to you.

And I thought you were desperate and too old to bear children without birth defects.

Oh, that's so out of line.

I'm so relieved that you find me attractive, but when can Linda read the script that we wrote?

I don't want you speaking directly to Linda anymore, okay? And here's another piece of advice for you, uh, your boobs are too big, okay?

They're too big and they're flopping around, and they make you look like a bimbo, all right?

You look like a dummy. That's why your directing career hasn't gotten off the ground yet, 'cause you look like a big-boobied dummy.

Well, that's great advice. Should I cut my boobs off

-so I can seem smarter? -No, you shouldn't cut your boobs off, okay?

But what you could do is, you could mash them down a little bit. You could take--

You know what you could do? You could Saran Wrap them, okay?

I do it to my dick when I'm on vacation in France.

I got a big dick and it fucking goes right here and I tape it here.

My bodacious ta-tas honor me and they honor you.

Should I be taking notes on some of this stuff for the sexual-harassment lawsuit we're all going to?

Hey, don't make me load my emotional gun, okay, dude?

'Cause I'm one step away from loading this emotional gun, dude.


That dress looks so great on you.

Why are you going out with Darren again?

HONEY: You should be going out with the licker. I mean, there's no contest. You either get licked or you don't.

[SIGHS] I was married to Darren for 14 years.

I have to give him another chance.

Yeah, you don't want him to miss out on another chance of not going down on you again.

Okay, I just texted Mark and I made a date tonight, -10:00 p.m., Butchers & Barbers. -Oh, no! No!

Then I said, "Would you lick me all over after?"

-No! -No, I didn't say that.

-Give it to me. -We must enact the good-guy pact.

-Give it to me. -[DOORBELL RINGING]




Oh, hi, babe.

-Hey! -Hey. Good to see you.

-Yeah. -[GROANS]

-Glad you're feeling better. -Thanks.

-Hey, I'm Honey. -And I'm Candy.


All kinds of lozenges.

Cool. I thought it was just gonna be us tonight.

Yeah. Oh, of course. Of course.

Um, I can take it from here.

Don't fuck with her.

Okay. So it's time to go.

Um, I'll talk to you guys later. Let's go.

Don't forget your date tonight at ten.

You have a date?

-Uh- -Tonight?

Yes. She has a date.

With who? [CHUCKLES]

Not helping.

Okay, come on.


I don't care, but who are you dating?

-Uh, I'm not. I'm just-- -I don't care.

-I really don't care. -Okay, well, I might see Mark later, because I-- I just, you know, ran into him the other day.

-You're dating my friend Mark? -No, I'm not dating him.

-I said I don't care. -We-- we hung out a little bit.

-I don't care. -Okay.

I don't care.

-Did you fuck Mark? -What?

No. I mean, come on.

-Yes, I did. Okay. -Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Okay, I fucked Mark! It's none of your business!

You fucked my friend! How could--

You fucked my friend! Of course that's my business!

Forget it. Forget I mentioned it.

How could I forget that? We got--

He's my friend. We go on vacations together.

We went biking in Tuscany!

That was a horrible trip. Just forget it, okay?

I can't forget that you fucked my friend.

I don't care about Mark. I love you. I love you, honey.

I love you.


-Where do you want to go? -[SIGHS]

I don't care. Where do you want to go?

We'll go to Butchers & Barbers.

-No, we are not! Stop it. -Get in. Get in.

-Don't be a child. -That's exactly

-where we're going. -Do not be a child.

-I'm not being a child -Yes, you are.

I'm being an extremely angry adult!

-All right. -That's a huge difference!

Get it out here, 'cause we're not going there!

-Are you gonna open my door? -Of course I am.

Thank you.

-DARREN: Oh, Mark? -EVA: Darren.

-DARREN: Mark! -Darren. Darren.

I always knew you wanted to fuck my wife.

Whoa, uh, we're there. Uh...

You're right.

Oh, God. Um...

Just-- just deny it at least!

At least deny it for appearances!

For crying out loud!

Guess what. Is this expensive?

Mark! Oh, my God!

How do you like me now? Huh?

-Stop it! -Huh?

-Really? -Yeah! Yeah, really!

-Shin kicks? -DARREN: Yeah.

-Stop it! -You know I took kung fu?

-Okay. -Huh?

-He took, like, two karate-- -[DARREN SCREAMS]

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, Darren! Stop it!

He drank a Red Bull in the car.

He's really sensitive to caffeine.

-DARREN: Time out, time out! -You're gonna hurt yourself.

-EVA: I'm gonna pull up the car. -Oh, wow. Big man, huh?

-Settle down. -Big man with the restaurant and the washboard face.

Sensei Doug would be horrified.

Guess what.

Ask her who she wants.

-Oh, I'm not doing that. -No, ask her who she wants.

-Who do you want? -I am not gonna answer that.

DARREN: You have to choose. This... or "Thor."



-Hey. -Hey. [CHUCKLES]

You came. I'm glad you called me back.

I missed you.

-You look really beautiful. -Thank you.

Have you thought more about monogamy?

Ah, you really love that word. Can we talk about that later?

I mean, this is a really important party.

-I want to talk about it now. -[SIGHS]



That's Steve Evans.

That's the guy that picks all the, uh, the TED speakers.

-[SIGHS] -I got to talk to him.

-Now? -Yeah, come on.

[CHUCKLES] Steve. Hey, how are you, man?

Daniel Peters, -from the-- from the emails. -From the emails.

-Yeah! -Yeah!

-[CHUCKLES] Isn't that great? -Yeah.

We got to get together, man. You know, we've been, uh...

Oh, this is Candy.


-Hey. -Is this your girlfriend?

-No! -Yeah.

I'm a free agent.

I'm interested in making lots of sexual connections, because I can't be tied down by monogamy.



What do you do, Candy?

I study the significance of ritual, and also I hate monogamy!

[CHUCKLES] Give me some casual sex, please!

[LAUGHING] Me, too!

[LAUGHING] Yeah, yeah, that's great.

-Yeah, that's fun. -STEVEN: Oh, Daniel, you have... fascinating friends.

Well, she's-- It's more than a friend, -so-- -Am I?

I would love to learn more, uh, about this.

Can I... Could I get your number?

-Sure, Steve. -Hang on a minute.

-Listen-- -It's good. I got my phone.

-I can connect you. -I got my phone. It's good.

DANIEL: I can probably connect you guys on an email.

Just type it in yourself?

And is it Candy with an I or a Y?

-With a Y. -Oh, why not?

Oh. Why-- why would it be with an I, you know?

PETER: You guys are all handsome guys.

You know what I'm talking about. It's the fast-paced Hollywood lifestyle. You know how many girls I've had sex with? 21.

And I'm only 35.

And I've eaten 12 pussies, most of them on the girls I've fucked. Hey!


-[CLEARS THROAT] -I got your text.

PETER: One second, guys. I'll be right back.

Follow me. I got to piss out of my cock.

Did Linda read my script?

Uh, yeah, she agreed with a few things about it, so, uh, I got rid of her.

You got rid of her?

Yeah. And, uh, it turns out I got some new financiers for the movie, so it doesn't matter what Linda thinks.

Oh, plus... you're fired.

Well, great, 'cause I quit.

And I'm gonna write my own movie about a woman having a religious orgasm. And no one stabs her in the ass.

First of all, you can't quit after I fire you, so...

A person can be smart and have big boobs.

And people are gonna watch my movie and people are gonna love it!

No one respects you, big boobs.


You know, I used to want to be you.

But all the success in the world doesn't make you happy, does it?

I have friends and you don't have any friends, and I'm happy.

Yeah, I guess, you know what, maybe I'm not so happy in my life.

Maybe if we had sex in this bathroom, I might be happy about that, so why don't you get on your knees, baby?

Fuck you.


Oh. Oh.

Oh, wow.

I'm sorry you didn't come.

You know what I love about you?

You're so comforting, you know?

Here's the thing...

Sex dies... in every relationship.

So maybe we should be together.

-What? -I'm-- I'm just--

I'm losing my passion for Chandra, you know?

-Oh. -You know, I just don't want

-anyone to get hurt. -Oh my God, Chandra broke up with you. That's why you're here.

No, she's following One Direction for a while.

Oh, perfect!

-That's so perfect! -I know.

I'm a cliché. But... the handsome guy runs off with a younger, hot, sexy, fit, tight little girl, and then he gets bored, and he wants to come running home to mommy.



Uh, I'm not your mommy, okay?

Okay, you don't understand. Here's the thing.

I'm saving... my sexual energy... for my art.

Here's the thing. Here's the thing.

I think maybe sex doesn't die for everyone.

It just has died for you and your weird dick.

-And Mark couldn't wait... -Stop it. Stop it.

...to go down on me. He fucking loved going down, -and I loved it! -Oh, stop. Ew. Ew. Ew.

-Oh, no, see, that says it all. -First of all, ew.

-"Ew." -Ew. Ew.

You asked him to go down on you.

No, I didn't ask him! He asked me! He begged me!

-Oh, my God. -Mm-hmm.

-What an asshole. -That's what he said.

-Stop. That's not-- Stop it. -He did.

He said I had a beautiful butthole. Ha-ha!


-You want a line? -No, thanks. I'm fine.


Are you a drug addict?

Why would you ask that?

No reason.

No. Look, that's just a piece of art, yeah?

It's a piece of art about a feeling, you know?

Just a feeling some people make me feel.

So there's a lot of other people who think you're a drug addict?

No. No, I just like to party and have a good time is all, yeah?

Who else thinks you're a drug addict?

[GROANS] Look, just my stupid family.

Your family?

Yeah, look, just 'cause they give me money, it makes them think they got the right to judge me, yeah?

But come on. Let's get some food.

Why does your family think you're a drug addict?


I'm Freedom, yeah?

I'm free from family shackles.

Stop doing drugs.

I'll help you.

I love you.

Yeah, I-- I love you so much.

And I've been thinking, yeah? I--

I've got to get out of this city for a while...

'cause sometimes a man, he needs to go on walkabout.

I've got these big mountains to climb, yeah?

A man, he needs to be able to climb his mountains, yeah?

Do you understand?

Not really. Are you talking about real mountains, or--

I'm talking about the mountains that only a real man can climb, yeah? 'Cause that's-- that's me.

I'm a man.

Can I come with you?


No, I've got wars to fight. Do you see?

Hey, maybe we'll reunite, yeah?

In, like, five years.

Five years?


Come on, look in my eyes.

What am I thinking?

I don't know.

Can two people ever really be together?

And once they're together, can they ever really be apart?

These feelings... they'll always exist inside us.

Maybe I'll come back for you one day.

But maybe not.

And remember...

I left you better than I found you.

CANDY: "I left you better than I found you"?

HONEY: And then he went off to climb mountains.

Probably mountains of cocaine.

How can I have the amazing sex again?

I think he was the one.

EVA: No, he's not the one. You're the one.

You're the only one that matters.

These candles are dangerous.

And they don't work!

Let's do a spell for the power to make our dreams come true.

We don't have power. We have low self-esteem.

Okay, don't say that.

-[YELLING] Ah! The candles! -Stop it.

Only a stupid idiot would believe in a magic candle.

I believe in them.

That's 'cause you live in a fantasy world.

-What is going on? -HONEY: Look, I paid a lot of money for your candles and I'm gonna sue you for false advertising!

I bought them from a candle emporium.

-They're not magic. -I hate the candles!

-No! -Whoa, calm down!

You guys all have your periods, right? That's--

The candles suck! All right, you know, this is your friend. You are fired.

Oh! I quit!

She's not my friend!

'Cause I'm not friends with people that think I'm stupid. [SOBBING]

And we're not on our periods!

I mean, to be fair, I am on my period.

It's towards the end of my cycle.

It's only a matter of time for the rest of them, right?

-Would you just stop? -Okay.


-[SNIFFLING] -You okay?

-Not really. -You know what?

Screw this place.


Working with you has been the best part of my job.

You know, I wanted to be the voice of modern feminism, but I'm a loser.

And I... don't think my friends will ever talk to me again, 'cause I took a big crap on them and then I crapped in front of them.

I took an emotional shit.

Everything's gonna be okay. I believe in you, yo.

And you do have a feminist voice.

You're the full package.

I think you're a package and a half.

-I'm a package and a half? -Yeah.

I'd even go so far as saying you're two packages.

That's the nicest thing that anyone's ever said to me.

That's the nicest thing I've ever said.




HONEY: Hello. I'm looking for the special unicorn lady who lives in this apartment and is very magical.

Oh. Leave me alone.

I'm living in my fantasy world.

I'm sorry I was a jerk.

I really miss you.


I can't believe you did this. Thanks.

Don't thank me. It's the candles.

-They really work. -Stop making fun of me.

I'm not. My life was depressing without your magic spells.

Thank you. It's true.

Listen, I have a great idea.


All right, the factory in Jakarta's running behind.


Can we sell the magical candles in your store and use the profits to pay Candy's rent?

I don't know. Maybe I have too much low self-esteem.

I'm sorry that I projectile-vomited my low self-esteem onto you, and I promise to swallow it back down next time.


That is the grossest analogy.

-Yes, you can sell candles here. -Thank you.

You guys look really cute.

-We're witches. -Oh!

I thought you were, like, mean cowgirls.

Witches. It's better. It's better.

Come see. We'll set up over here.

CANDY: A lot of people are gonna tell you you can't do things in your life, and I'm here to tell you that you can.

Believe in yourself.

And remember how amazing you really are.

Oh! We sold so many.

Wow, witches are, like, the new vampires.

It's shocking how many people are buying these things.

The two children's dresses we made came in.

What do you want to do with them?


What's happening with Mark?

We broke up. I forgot the good-guy pact and I chose Darren. And I really regret it.

You gotta give those little girls

-their dresses. -EVA: I'm pretty sure he never wants to see me again.

Fine. What do you think? Maybe not, right?


That look. Jeez.

All right. Okay.

He didn't come, so there you go.

Not home, right?


Uh, hi. How are you? Um...

I know you probably don't want to see me. Um...

I made dresses for your daughters.

Nice. Thank you.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry I sabotaged our relationship.

And I'm sorry I treated you so badly when you're just, like, the greatest guy.

Thanks for saying that, but, uh...

I don't think we should see each other anymore.

Um... for what it's worth, I broke up with Darren... for good.


I don't think I liked myself enough to choose a good guy.

I didn't think I deserved it.

MARY: Eva!

-Hey, sweetie! -Hey, Eva.

I made you dresses.

Yay! Come in! Evie, Evie, Evie!


I like the dress. I'm having an orgasm.


♪ I feel it ♪

♪ I feel it ♪

♪ I feel it ♪

♪ I feel love ♪ EVA: Who knew getting a divorce could be so great?

-CANDY: Yeah. -What's going on with Daniel?

Nothing! That's why we need a super-powerful spell.

I think we should call on all the elements to help us.

-Honey, are you in? -I'm so in.

In fact, I'm gonna call on the elements.

What are the elements?

-[LAUGHING] -Uh, Earth.

Okay, Earth. Earth. Okay.

I am going to-- I don't know, I'm going to call on the Earth and-- Is that really dorky?

-No, no, no! -No, it's amazing!

-I'm gonna walk on it. Why not? -CANDY: Okay.

CANDY: What's up, earth? [LAUGHING]

HONEY: Okay, what's another element?

-Uh, wind. -Okay, what about...

-Would incense count? -Yeah!

-Sure. -All right. Um... we call on the wind.


-Am I imagining that? -No.

-Wow, so cool! -So cool!

Okay, what about water? Here. Drink your drinks.

I call on water!



Guys, we made it rain.

CANDY: Candles are fire.

Purple for power.

The power to get what we want.

Say your wishes.

I wish to like myself.

-So mote it be. -So mote it be.

I wish to know that I deserve the good things in life.

ALL: So mote it be.

I wish for love...

-and money. -[HONEY CHUCKLES]

-So mote it be. -So mote it be.

We ask the elements to help us with our hearts' desires.

This... or something better.

♪ All I could ever need Is you ♪


If you believe in magic, then there's magic!



It's raining so hard!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

HONEY: "To truly experience ecstatic sex, you must first fall in love with yourself.

Look at yourself in a mirror and say, 'I love you.' "


I love you.

I love you.


"Now look at your yoni in a mirror and admire its tremendous beauty."

I love you.

"Discover what kind of pressure you like. Play music."

♪ I pull up to the club ♪

♪ I got my swag on ♪

♪ The music's playing loud ♪

♪ Can't play their money y'all ♪

♪ I see 'em lookin' at me ♪

♪ She got a pretty smile ♪

♪ So I'm-a get a drink ♪


Mm. Okay.


♪ Come on ♪

Hell! Hell! Hell!

And hell!

Shut up.

♪ Girl I want ya ♪

♪ There's no way... ♪

-Can you take your shirt off? -Don't. Please. Please don't.

Can I just leave it on?

Can I-- Okay.


I just...

I don't want you to be disappointed.

Why don't you let me be the judge of that?



You are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.


-[SIGHS] -WOMAN: See ya, Jane.

-Hi. -Hi.

Can I talk to you for a second?

-Okay. -Um, I'm the old assistant who likes sluts.

I know who you are. I liked your script.

Thank you. So I'm not working for Peter anymore.

Good. He's a dick.

Yeah. And I wrote a new script and I wanted to pitch it to you and I was hoping you would read it.

How did you find me?

Well, I, uh... I stole Peter's contacts.

-Oh, very sneaky. I like that. -I'm sneaky.

-Mm-hmm. -I want to be a filmmaker.

Really? Have you directed before?

-No, just a short. -Hmm. Well, okay.

You can walk me to my car. I'll give you five minutes.


Are you dating Steve?

What? No.

-Let's be monogamous. -Oh!

Let's be monogamous right now!

-Yeah! -Yeah!

-CANDY: Oh! -Ow.


I am going to get the biggest Cosmo they got.

-Make it a double. -Oh, I just love your boots.

-They're gorgeous. -Right? I know. Right?

-Excuse me. -Yes?

Are you the priest from St. Francis of Assisi?

Yes, I used to be.

I used to go to your church when I was a kid.


-Well. -Yeah.


Didn't you used to preach that no one should have sex unless it was for the purpose of procreation?

Oh, I used to say a lot of stuff.

-FRANK: Mm-hmm. -Now I just do what feels good.

-And what feels good is Frank. -Mm-hmm!

Excuse me. But-- but what about people who listened to what you said and then they spent their lives feeling tormented?

And what about hell?


Don't torment yourself.

I think God wants us to be happy.

-So uncomfortable. -Right? I know.

I know you're gonna talk at TED one day.

You are so great.

I love you.

I love you. Thank you.

You know, Honey got me that unicorn.

It's so cute!

Unicorns are lame.

You don't like unicorns?

-Eh. -What?

I-- I just...

I'm not crazy about 'em.

How can you not like unicorns?

I-- I think they're creepy.

-Creepy? -Yes, especially when they're looking over the bed.

Look, a human interacting with a computer is interesting, you know? But when a human interacts with a unicorn...

-not as much, okay? -Unicorns are interesting.

I just... I think you're a beautiful, lovely, attractive woman.

I think you should just limit how much you talk about unicorns in front of people, okay?

I just don't want you to be uncomfortable when you meet the TED people.

So maybe not, you know, don't talk about them too much in front of everyone.


I want to be monogamous, but not with you.

-What? -I want to date other people.

Are-- are you kidding?

I'm a unicorn.

What? I...

What are you saying?

You don't like unicorns, and that's a deal breaker.

Let's be friends.


♪ Ooh ♪

♪ That feels ♪

♪ Inside ♪


♪ All I ever want ♪

♪ All I could ever need ♪

♪ You and I ♪

♪ You and I ♪ WOMAN: You are loved.

This feeling is always inside of you.

♪ And all I could ever see ♪

♪ All I could ever want ♪

♪ All I could ever need Is you ♪


What are you doing here?

Um, I wrote the script about the witches.

-Honey, that's incredible. -[HONEY GIGGLES]

-Wow, that's great. -[HONEY CHUCKLES]

How-- how did you know where I live?

I stole Peter's contacts, yo. [CHUCKLES]

You know, you're really nice to me.

And nice is sexy.

Nice is sexy, yo.

♪ I learned this 'cause I've been nicer to myself ♪

♪ And now I see it See I'm like a little tree ♪

♪ I need to nurture myself ♪

♪ With some happy Little thoughts ♪

♪ And that's what I did yo ♪ Da-da-dum, blossom.


Do you want to go on a date?

-More than ever. -[CHUCKLES]

[GASPS] Ta-dah!

-Aw! -We're so proud of you.


You're the orgasming champion!

-HONEY: Oh, thank you. -And the masturbating champion!

I'm not sure who I was competing against, but I'm glad I won!

I want to light a candle for our friendship, 'cause I'm really grateful for you guys.



I heard this music and it made me think of you.


♪ Just for once don't you Wanna know that magic is real ♪

♪ Is real is real is real ♪

♪ Just for once don't you Wanna know that magic is real ♪

♪ Is real is real is real ♪

♪ Just for once don't you Wanna know that magic is real ♪

♪ Is real is real is real ♪

♪ Just for once don't you Wanna know that magic is real ♪

♪ Is real is real is real ♪

♪ A kiss good night A kiss by darkness ♪

♪ A kiss to all the end Of rain ♪

♪ To stall this night To stall this darkness ♪

♪ To stall this night To the end of days ♪

♪ Just for once don't you Wanna know that magic is real ♪ Cut! [CHEERING]

♪ Don't you wanna know That magic is real ♪

♪ Don't you wanna have Something to feel ♪

♪ One life ♪

♪ And the world Will open doorways ♪ ALL: I love my pussy!

-Yes to orgasms! -ALL: Yes to orgasms!

Yes to orgasms!

ALL: Yes to orgasms!

Masters and Johnson taught us that an orgasm was just, you know, like, up, down, like, quick.

It isn't. You can train yourself to have an extended, massive orgasm. Isn't that amazing?

Who here would like to learn how to have an extended, massive orgasm?


Who here would like to learn how to have an earth-shattering orgasm?


♪ And I will believe in us ♪

I tell my pussy that I love her.

I love you, pussy. I love you. I love you so much.

You're a sweet, sweet, sweet little puss.

♪ I will believe in you ♪

♪ And I will believe in us ♪

♪ And I will believe That all of this is true ♪

♪ And I will believe in us Tonight ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

♪ Just for once don't you wanna Know magic is real ♪

♪ Is real is real is real ♪

♪ Just for once don't you Wanna know that magic is real ♪

♪ Is real is real is real ♪

♪ Just for once don't you Wanna know that magic is real ♪

♪ Is real is real is real ♪

♪ Just for once don't you Wanna know that magic is real ♪

♪ Is real is real is real ♪

♪ A kiss goodnight A kiss by darkness ♪

♪ A kiss to all the end Of rain ♪

♪ To stall this night To stall this darkness ♪

♪ To stall this night Till the end of days ♪

♪ Just for once don't you Wanna know that magic is real ♪

♪ Just for once ♪

♪ Just for once Don't you wanna know ♪

♪ Just for once ♪

♪ Just for once Don't you wanna know ♪

♪ Just for once don't you Wanna know that magic is real ♪

♪ Is real is real is real ♪

♪ Just for once don't you Wanna know that magic is real ♪

♪ Is real is real is real ♪

♪ Just for once don't you Wanna know that magic is real ♪

♪ Is real is real is real ♪

♪ Just for once don't you Wanna know that magic is real ♪

♪ Is real is real is real ♪

♪ Just for once don't you Wanna know that magic is real ♪

♪ Is real is real is real ♪

♪ Just for once don't you Wanna know that magic is real ♪

♪ Is real is real is real ♪

-[ALL CHEERING] -Presenting pussy!