Hansel & Gretel Get Baked (2013) Script

Hansel & Gretel Get Backed



Anybody home?

Hey, pg&e.


Residents of 140 wicker lane, Using over 98,000 kwh.

Wait till he hears about this.


I knew it!

Wait till the cops see this.

Hey, hey!

Okay it's called, black forest high, And it is the best friggin' high ever.

I'll be the judge of that.

It's like, One part swiss miss, one part snow white, There's definitely some white queen, But, there's something else in it, and I can't put my finger on it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Let it sink in, trust me when this stuff hits, it hits.

I see what you mean.

Very smooth, Very mellow, very wow.

Where'd you get it?

Manny, he's handing out samples, Some little old lady in pasadena, is growing it in her basement.

# she's the little old lady from pasadena #

You know, the beach boys.

Oh, yeah, exactly!

Anyways, she's like this sweet old little, granny pothead.

Oh, I love it!

Oh, baby, wait till you hear music on this shit, It is unbelievable.


"hansel, we're off to spend the weekend with the stiltskins, "keep an eye on your sister, "love, mom and dad."

It's great because I have nothing better to do.



Oh, I see what you mean.

Yeah, you see how those three notes right there are forming a chord?

Is that what they're doing?

It's awesome, huh? So high.

Oh, yeah!

What you guys doing?

dude, we're watching music.

Hmm, oh, watching music?

That's cool.

Unrelated question, uh, What are you smoking?

Ah! It's called black forest.

Um, what like the cake?




No, not just, Not just any cake, guys.

From, uh, Black forest cake.


Delicious maraschino cherries, Trapped between layers and layers of dark chocolate cake.

Cherry filling.

And bavarian cream. Oh, bavarian cream!

Uh, speaking of which, uh, You wouldn't happen to have any black forest cake, Would you, hansel? no, I thought you guys had some.

Oh, dude! I know!

What are we gonna do now?

You know what?

I'm pretty sure, we got some gingerbread cookie mix in the kitchen.


Gingerbread man, I haven't had those since I was a kid.

You can make a whole army of gingerbread men, to fight your munchies.

Whole army, dude?

You can ask 'em anything, But, they won't tell you a thing.


Never mind.

We'll get gingerbread men.

Come on.


Got it.

Sweet. It's a mix.

Wait, so we have to make it?

No problem, we got everything we need.

Except, more black forest.

Dude. Dude.

How about, I make the gingerbread cookies, While you go get more weed.

Dude! Dude.


"in pan," okay.

Uh, yeah, um.

I understand you have some weed for sale.

Sorry, you really gonna have to speak up.

Uh, I hear you're selling weed.

Again, you're really gonna have to speak up.

Weed. "we need?" what do you need?

No, uh, weed! Weed?


Oh, shit, no! Police!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, oh, jesus!

Police! Police!

I'm just fucking with you, come on in.

Well, come on. It's now or never.

Come on, go, come on. Whoa.


Here you go, dearie, just a little bit of black forest Over here in pasadena.

Oh, um, the black forest, that's in germany, right?

And they say american education is just gone to pot.

Should we smoke some?

Oh, um, actually I was just hoping to buy.


You're not gonna just let a little old lady smoke all by herself?

Uh, no, I guess not.

Oh, it's some smooth pot.

Not so bad, huh? Ain't it great?

So, um, did you just move here?

Well, actually very recently.

In my line of business, I like to move pretty sporadically...

So, um, speaking of which... Witch?

Yeah, yeah speaking of which, Like, how did you get into the growing business?

I love to get high.

Speaking of which, you got to have the munchies.

Oh, yeah, big time.

I've got some sardines, won't just take me a few.


Oh, what about that gingerbread over there?

Don't touch my gingerbread house.

Oh, okay.



Mmm, that's nice.

Mmm, that smells good.

What is that?

Sweet butter, with 11 herbs and spices.

Jesus, what the fuck?

Let it simmer, otherwise you're gonna bruise.


Okay, uh, miss agnes.

Look, I get it, You're lonely, and the weed's got you all horned up, But, I got a girlfriend.

You smell good.

Almost even good enough to eat, But, I think I'm really have to just wait a little while.

Wait, waiting, waiting is good, yeah.

Wait, how long exactly are you thinking, Cause, I gotta get back, she's waiting for me.

You know everything's gonna cook, in its own, sweet, beautiful time.

Okay, um, what if I like, Just let you lick my junk, but, that's it, nothing else.

What if I want to eat your junk?

What you mean like, swallow?

Okay, that's different.

Um, but, I don't wanna watch.


As you wish.

Oh, my god!

So, where's the stoner genius?

He went to get more weed. Weed?

Him? No, I don't buy that for a second.

You know, you could be a little nicer to him.

Why would I do that?

Because, he's my boyfriend?

Oh, yeah, uh...

"speaking of which..."

What is it exactly you see in that guy?

He doesn't judge me.

How long is it gonna be ready? Fifteen minutes.

Oh, shoot, we're out of milk.

You could call ashton, and have him pick some up on the way back.

Good idea.


I told you not to eat the gingerbread.

You ate the gingerbread.

Please, please!

Please let me go, I swear I won't tell anyone.

I swear to you.

Please let me go.

Nah, I wish I could, But, I still got the munchies.

Damn, they look really good. Thanks.

Smell even better. Ash back with that milk?

No, and I've left him, like, a dozen messages.

You don't think he got arrested or anything, do you? no.

He must have just smoked up and forgot where we live. Whatever.

You aren't gonna post that, are you? Um...

There's a life outside of the internet you know?

Oh, god! oh, god!

"oh, god," is right, And delicious.

Here's some meat, you sweetheart.

Ash, why haven't you call me back?

Hey, watch where you're going.

Up yours, lady.

Excuse me, I would like to apologize on behalf of my little brother, He should think before he speaks.

And please take into consideration that he's only five years old.

Yeah, only five years old.

What he meant to say was, Blow it out your pie hole, you nasty ho-bag!

And up yours again, lady!

Manny, where's ashton?

Oh, shit, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa, you gotta chill out. What's going on?

I'm looking for ashton, he's not home, And he hasn't answered any of my calls or texts.

Last time I checked, my boy was a pussywhip.

She always so intense?

Oh, yeah, she's got major control issues when she's not stoned.

She's totally killing my buzz.

I was thinking the same thing.

We keep thinking alike.

Hello, still standing here.


One minute. what do you want?

Manny, where's ashton?

Tsk, didn't I take this quiz already?

Really, manny? Really?

All right, have one, baby.

Mmm, baby, that felt good.

You're fuckin' sexy.

I fuckin' love you, bitch. Manny, focus!


No, I haven't seen him.

Thanks for friggin' nothing.

He did call me last night, though.

What did you talk about?

He wanted agnes' address.

Agnes? Who's agnes?

Oh, she's this sweet little old lady, man.

But she's got this killer... Black forest high?

Baby, that's what we're smoking right?

Yeah that's right baby, damn!

You got a good-ass memory, mamacita.

Focus, manny.

Okay, uh...

I don't know, he's probably smoked the fuck out.

And he's just crawling in front of her house, man.

I warned him, that's some sick shit.


Text me her address.

Tell her manny sent you, okay?

All right, where were we, baby?

Come here, oh!

Where you been?

Have a life.

All right, see you guys.

Can you take me to pasadena?

What's in pasadena? A little old lady.


Mr. Woodsman, there's a police officer on the phone, He says he needs to speak to a manager right away.

Oh, thanks, sam.

Hello, officer, this is norm woodsman.

Apg&e, district manager, what can I do for you?

Well, yes, we are missing a van.

Thank you.

Kevin, what happened to you?

Now I really need to make sure you girls come back soon, And you tell all of your sorority sisters.

Oh, we will.

Excuse me, I'm looking for agnes.

That's me, how can I help you?

I was wondering if you've seen my boyfriend, ashton.

Is he missing?

Yeah, he came by here to get some stuff and never came back.

Oh, no, I would definitely remember such a tasty, pretty young man.

But manny told me he gave ash your address.

Oh, well, I'm sure he's gonna turn up.

I've looked everywhere, guess I'll have to go to the police now, thank you.

Oh, hey!

Yeah but I...

Why don't you just come on in, and we'll just talk about it.

So kind of you.

It's the least I can do.

Just make yourself at home.

Thank you.

What's your name, dearie?


That's german.

That's where I'm from.

Now, here we go, Here we go, here we go, here we go.

Just a little bit of tea, will make anything feel a lot better.

You know, I just don't understand him.

Why won't he call me back? Boys will be boys.

Come on, you need to really have your tea before it gets cold.

Do you have any sugar? Surely.

One or two? Two please.

for the love of god...


Eh, just a little knock, I'll be right back.

It's probably just my brother, hansel.

just keep a little bit of an eye on her.

You must be hansel.

What took you so long?

Nearly had to go to colorado to find a spot.

Or you could have just parked in my driveway.

Your driveway, yeah, okay.

Would have been easier.

So has she seen ashton?


That's definitely gotta be cold by now.

Let me just put on a fresh new pot, It will only take me a minute.


We should really be going.

It will just take me a minute.

I'm sorry, I need to find my boyfriend, not sit around drinking tea.

Gretel. Look, I'm really just trying to help.

She's just under a lot of stress from looking for her boyfriend.

I think I just need to take her home, But, thank you for your time, we're sorry to have troubled you.

There's no trouble.

I love having young people around.

Thank you.

You know it'd be nice, if you could be a little more supportive.

You're adopted.

Good boy, franz.

I met your girlfriend.

She's very beautiful, and so young.

It's just a curse, growing old.

Fortunately for you, You don't have to.

Mmm, this is better.

So, let me get this straight.

Your boyfriend went out to get something, Which you won't say what it is And then he didn't return.

How long ago was that?

About 24 hours ago, right, hansel?

Yeah, uh, I mean, give or take an hour.

What were you two fighting about?

We weren't fighting. He went out to get some stuff, And never came back.

Would that "stuff"

Happen to be marijuana?

Because, one ashton crawford has racked himself up Quite a few frequent flyer points In our misdemeanor marijuana program.

So? He's still missing.

Come on, hart, this is a waste of time Out looking for some burned-out pothead.

What about the old lady?

Guys, I mean, come on, aren't you at least gonna go, You know, talk to this woman?

I mean, isn't it a felony to be growing marijuana?

Well, it depends on the amount And if there's an intent to sell.

Well, I mean, she's selling.

Really? Did you buy some?



Did you see her sell marijuana to anyone?


Did you see any marijuana plants?

'cause you want us to bust a senior citizen For possession of a drug with intent to sell, But yet, you don't have any evidence.

But manny said that she was... Sorry. What?

Sorry, excuse me, Manny?

Is that, like, the local drug dealer?

No. 'cause if you wanna name names Or drop locations, then we might have something to talk about.

I don't have anything to say.

It's kind of what I thought.

Let's go, hart.

Hold on.

Give us the old woman's address, okay.

And if we get time We'll stop by, we'll ask a few questions, all right.

Hart, you got to be kidding me.

Now, let us know if he turns up, okay?

You know, and if there's anything else you fine citizens need Please don't hesitate to call.

Because, after all, we are here to serve and protect.

Good night.

See, they didn't care just like I said.

So, what do you wanna do now?

How is that shit?

I killed a bumblebee today.

How will we... Gangster!

You! Yin and yang, What the fuck you all smoking?

This amazing weed we got from manny.

It's new, it's called black forest high.

Manny said, he's dropping the other stuff.

He did, huh? Yeah.

Tastes like shit compared to this.

Tastes like shit.

Costs, like, twice the price.

Fuck that.

The high is like, twice as nice.

Shut the fuck up.

Give me the fucking joint.

We came to the decision earlier today That we are not gonna be sharing any of the... Oh, yeah you will be sharing.

Yeah, man, have a toke.

Well, everyone does.

Yeah, we all do.

Give me all that shit.


Empty your pockets of all that black forest shit.

Maybe my boys won't fuck you up too bad.


Where the fuck is manny?

Our bad.

Look here...

It tickles. It tickles?

I mean, I can tell.


Get lost, baby.



What's up, man?

What bring you out to the valley?

It's time to get paid, fool.

Yeah. Sabes que compadre?

I actually, haven't been moving as much product this week.

When rich valley kids don't have enough money for weed.

You know what I'm saying. No, I don't know what the fuck your saying.

What I do know, That you're moving that black forest shit.

So, why don't you hand it over.

Come on, man, I actually sold out of all her weed, man.

Her weed. Her weed.

Her fucking weed.

You sell her weed?

'cause if you're selling her weed on my turf,

That makes it my fucking weed.

His weed. Get this fucking bitch.

Wait, wait, wait, hold on.

Look what I found.

Now, wait, that's agnes' money, man.

I got to give her something.

Oh, you got to give her something.

Why don't you give her that.

You tell that fucking puta that she wants to push her shit on my turf She's gonna have to fucking pay like everybody else.

This fucking shit, this ain't nothing but a down payment, bro.

So, when she tells you or gives you some fucking lip, You look her dead in the fucking face and you tell her, Carlos said, "he's gonna come to your casa villa rasa

"and fuck you up personally."

Man, but she's just this little, sweet grandma, man.

Oh, little grandma, little...

I will eat that little, tiny thing like that.

That's perfect, bro, the way I like them.

She could spit her dentures out.

Suck my dick.

Well, yeah, man, I got it, man. No.

You don't got it.

You're gonna tell her exactly what I said, word-for-fucking-word.

Yeah, man. I got it, man, don't worry about it.

It's cool, I'll tell her everything you told me.

What the fuck are you still doing here?

Ain't you a messenger boy, now?

Yeah, yeah, I am.

Fake little ass shit.

That's what he said.

Well, I hope he's got a really big dick.

You just don't get it, do you?

Carlos will hurt you.

I've seen him and his homeys tear a guy apart for being short on his cash.

Like, tear his ass apart.

Blood and shit was everywhere.

How many homeys?

He could show up with like, four or five badass pendejos.

Then I think I might, need you to help me.


No, no you can't ask me to do that.

See, carlos' got a long memory.

He will hunt me down and he will eat me for breakfast.

You know what I'm saying? Hmm.

Sounds like my kind of man.


Here, please, have some cookies.

Um, what?


Can I use your phone?

I just wanna do a little text.


Do you spell "faggot" with one "g" or two?

Okay, I think we're just gonna go with two "g's."

Now, why don't you just eat your little cookies.

No, no, no!

No, no! Oh, fuck!

Oh, shit, I'm dead.

Oh, shit, I'm dead.

I'm dead! No, we're dead!

We're dead!

No, you were right the first time.

You about done? Yeah.

Did you get them posted at the school? Yeah.

Well, then what about the park? Yeah.

Look, I've posted them everywhere we've talked about, all right.

There's nothing we can do at this point.

I mean, we just have to wait.


Take me by that old witch's place.

I wanna talk to her. No.

No, it's not a good idea.

Why not? Because she can have you arrested for harassment.

I'm not harassing her. I'm...

I'm investigating her.

Oh, okay.

And I guess, the nazis were just instituting a simple relocation plan.

Screw you, hansel.

No, I mean, you're my sister, it's kind of gross.

Oh. damn.

That black forest bud is...


That's powerful, man.

Where's my phone?

What? No, no, no, bitch.


Fucking faggot? What the fuck?

This bitch wants to play games with me, huh?

Octavio? Hey!

Do you wanna get up now? Jorge?

Open up, bitch!

Gonna try and take carlos' share, huh?

Excuse me? Oh.

I was looking for some old lady.

You got some old lady living in here?

No, no old ladies here.

Fuck manny! I'm gonna kill that pendejo, man.

All right, mamacita, let me ask you something.

You ever heard of something called the, uh, black forest high?

Doesn't ring a bell.

Doesn't ring a fucking bell. Motherfucker.

Check out the coffee table, guapo.

You know, maybe it's just me...

But I don't like it when no pretty-ass bitch Tries to play me for a fool, hmm.

'cause this don't look like no grow-house I ever seen.

What's a grow-house?

What's a grow-house?

Where is your crop?

It's in the basement.

But you don't wanna go there.

Oh, I wanna go there.

But, see, right now, you're not gonna tell me what I wanna do.

So, why don't you take me down to the basement.

There you go.

No, no. You open the door.

Were getting the whole 50 cent tour.

As you wish.

This used to be a funeral home.

That's where they they'd embalm the bodies.



The last tenants made this room into a wine cellar, But I don't really drink wine.

This is where I let my little darlings spread their roots.

Damn, bitch!

What the fuck kind of place is this?

An old bomb shelter, That I just recycled for my needs.

Damn, mama, how did you get these plants to grow so big?

Magic, And of course, just a little bit of my own special brand...



To get it going.

Speaking of which,

I know just what it needs To make it The best crop...



Check it out, homes.

We hit the fucking jackpot.

I'm gonna harvest it.

There're not ready yet.

They look fucking ready to me.

They might be big but they're not mature.

Huh. Well, guess what?

I tell you when to harvest.

I don't think so.


You know, There's a little rumor going around.

Manny said, that you told him You wanted me to take my dentures out And do something nasty to you.

Now, could that be true?

Fuck you! You crazy fucking bitch.

Fucking is just not on the menu tonight.


What a bummer!



There's got to be something.

Manny. What the fuck!

All magic comes at a price.

It's gonna be okay.

franz! Franz, franz, franz, franz, franz...

Franz? Franz.

Sit now.

You're gonna be a very, very good boy.

You're gonna be a very good...


Now, who wants a treat?

Franz, would you like a little treat, my baby doll?

Good doggy.

Are those fingers?

Waste not want not, right?

You're gonna kill me, aren't you?

Well, since you're here hanging out, You might as well enjoy and get a little stoned.

Oh, that's so badass.


Help! Somebody help me!

No one can hear you.


No one can hear you.

I'll be back in a little bit.

I just got to go clean up a zombie.

And, I'll come check in on you later.

Good morning, norm.

Oh, hey, sam. Uh...

I don't know if this is important or not, but...

My son came home stoned last night.

Well, after we finished discussing it...

He told me about this new strain of marijuana that some old lady is selling.

Did he say where?

Same area as my power surge.

Thank you.

Manny's missing?

Yeah, no one's seen him since...

Aren't you that little guera who was all up in his grill the other day?

Same one. Maybe you two should have taken me seriously.

Yeah, you're right.

I was thinking about going to the police... Don't bother.

As soon as they see manny has a record they'll blow it off.

"serve and protect" my ass!

What do we do?

I know where they are.

But, it's gonna be dangerous.

Definitely illegal.

Somebody's gonna get hurt.

The car's right here.

We can't just go in there all guns blazing, bitch.

We needs to case the place first.

Find out if she's home or no.

That kinda shit. Smart.

You have done this before, right? well...

Don't tell me we're popping your b&e cherry.

B&e? Damn, girl. Breaking and entering.

Yeah, well I guess we are.

Okay, well since you're the expert, what should we do first?

We needs to find out if she home.

I mean, it looks empty to me.

Yeah, but she's an old lady.

You can never tell if those bitches are home just by looking at the house.

Yeah. Okay.

Listen, to me, huh. Yeah.

I'm gonna go knock on the front door Pretending like I'm gonna buy some weed.

While you do the b&e action in the back. Okay, and if she's not there?

Then I'll join you in the back and we'll break in together.


Oh, uh...

I must have the wrong address.

Were you looking for someone older?

Yeah, does she live here?

Did someone, umm...

Did someone tell you to Ask her a little sweet little old lady?

Yeah, he said. Ah.


Once you're a day over 40 they think you got one foot already in the grave.

Uh, you know I used to think that way, too.

Until I dated my last boyfriend.

And he was, like, 42, and I was like "dude, "you way too old for me"

But, then he, like, bought me all these fly Clothes and took me to really fancy places like The cheesecake factory...

And then I realized I could totally be into older guys.

As long as they can still get it up. You know what I mean?

Cause if you ain't getting dick, you ain't getting nothing.

You know what I mean?

Would you like to come in for some tea?

And by tea I mean Would you like to come in for some weed?

Hell, yeah.

Come on in.

Oh, that smells so good.

I hope you like it.

It's my very, very special blend.


Hey, you have pretty skin.

Yummy, yummy, delicious hair.

You like it?

Oh, my cousin rosa...

The one who does hair, not the one in jail.

She makes her own special hot oil blend And sells it online.

I could totally hook you up if you'd like.

I like.

I like very much.


You gonna have some of this?

I think, I want some.

Oh, I'm gonna have some.

Is it hot in here?

Or is it just the weed?

That's a very pretty brassiere. Where did you get it?

Oh, you're gonna love this story.

Okay, gretel, you can do this.

What is this place?


Someone out there?

Is that you, ash?


No, I'm octavio.

Octavio, is ash with you?

No, it's just me.

And I came here with two other guys.

Where are they?

I don't know, probably dead.

This bitch, is gonna kill us all.


Fuck, you're dead, I'm dead...

Dude, pull your shit together, so I can help you.

Where are you?

She got me locked up in a damn cage.

Where? Which path did you take?

I don't remember.

They all look the same.

You're not very helpful, are you?

Maybe if I whistle, You can follow the sound.

And then she opens the door for me, And tells me to come back real soon.

Little did that bitch know, I had his one and two others just like it up in my bag.


You smell delicious.


Yeah, good nose.

Octavio? Yeah?

I need you, to keep whistling or something, so I can find you.

I'm sorry, my mouth is dry.

Did I tell you, I can read palms?

Really? Yeah, my grandmother taught me.

This is your lifeline, It says, your gonna live a long, Long, Long, Jesus!

Oh, what?

I never seen a lifeline like this before.

Enough about my life.

Let's talk about your life.

Where's the key? You don't have them?

You didn't say anything about keys.

She keeps them on the hook at the bottom of the stairs.

The ones here?

The ones that lead up to the main room.

Be right back.


I promise.

Is this, is this your lifeline?


Agnes, what are you doing?

Tasting the merchandise.


Well, I only...

Ever kiss, just so you know.

I find that, hard to believe.

With other chicks, I...

Me too, sweetie.

Oh, hell, no!

Oh, shit.

Gretel! Bianca!

What the fuck? I thought, somebody was killing you.

Shit, I just killed that bitch.

Shit. Don't come any closer.

Don't tell me what to do, bitch! I just killed someone...

Really, you don't want to do this... oh, my god! What did I do?

I did what I had to do.

Come on!

Come on!


Bring her to me!


You home?

Please don't be home.

Oh, thank you.

Very thoughtful of you.

Oh, oh, no.


Oh, shit.

A skittle. "taste the rainbow."

Everything's gonna be okay.

It's gonna say, everything's gonna be okay.



What do you know?


What? Remember that girl from the other day?

Oh, what girl?

The one with the missing boyfriend.

Oh, yeah. The cute little redhead.

Guess who just showed up on the missing person report.

Her boyfriend? The one and only.

Maybe, we should go check out her story.

That's a good idea.

Uh, where are you going?

Priorities, hart.


Get me one!

How did we get in here?

Fucking carlos nabbed me.

Don't know, what happened to you. The plants, they...

They held me, trapped me.

This place is fucking haunted.

Not haunted.

More like enchanted.

She's got to be some kind of witch.

Here, I thought, you were just, These pissy little potheads.

Where's ashton?

He's kind of trying to help me Turn back those nasty, cruel hands of time.

What the hell, is she talking about?

Who knows? She's always doing this crazy-ass talk.

That doesn't answer my question.

Well, it should.

What have you done with my ashton?

You sucked the life out of him?

His youth.

They just give me all my youth back.

Is he dead?


Got to go.


Franz, take care of this.

Make sure they all feel nice and warm and fuzzy.

Carlos? giddy up.


What a great surprise.

I was under the impression that you didn't partake.

I'm sorry, have we met?

Oh, my mother, My mother has just said, the most wonderful, Wonderful things about you and your lovely sister.

Oh, okay. Is she home?

Uh, I need to apologize.


Yeah, for gretel.

For harassing her.

My mother knew that, she was just very concerned About her boyfriend. Her boyfriend's name is...

Ashton. Ashton, yes that's right.

It's, it's no big deal.

Really though? Because, I mean, I thought that, She'd be kind of pissed off after gretel, like, Stopped by again.

She did stop by again, didn't she?

No, I haven't seen her, since the other day.

Oh, okay. I thought...

Thought what?

Well, something gretel said, Indicated to me, that she was going to be Stopping by again.

It's obviously mistaken. come on, I would love to make you some tea.

I'll make you some tea.

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm sorry. you were just, um...

You... You're just so, like...

Awesomely beautiful.

I just wanted to capture the moment, I guess.

"awesomely beautiful"?

Yeah, I mean, you have like perfect Perfect cheekbones, perfect chin, You know, perfect...

How sweet of you.

There's, there's got to be something wrong with the camera or something.

I don't think, there is anything wrong with the camera.

No, honestly, honestly...

Give it to me.

It just doesn't do you justice, and I, uh...

Give it to me.


Oh, the camera never lies, does it?


Bring him to me!


come on, you zombie asshole!

Never send a zombie to do a woman's job.

Oh, fucking crap. You got to be kidding me.

Evening, ma'am, uh...

Oh, good god, I'm not having a good night.

How are we gonna get past the damn dog?

Stop moving so much. I can't think.

Well, moving helps me think.

I can't think of anything.

Miss hudson told me I was a greek tragedy.

Damn, if that bitch ain't right.

God! Greek tragedy! That's it, bianca.

What if this hellhound thing is like the cerberus in the story of orpheus?

You know, the cerberus. The three-headed dog that guarded the gates of hell.

Orpheus sang to it, and put it to sleep.

Okay. I got this.

I sing all the time.

# blast, blast, blast motherfucker tried to dash

# so I capped them in the ass with my gat... #

Stop, stop, stop, stop!

What? That's not music.

Yeah it is. You just don't know it.

You can't sing.


Since, you think, you know, all about music And cerberus and shit.

Then go ahead. Why don't you sing?

# rose, rose, rose red

# will I ever see thee wed

# I shall marry at my will Seriously?

# rose, rose, rose red

# will I ever see thee wed

# I shall marry at my will

# said rose

Oh, you're awake, my little pretty.

What are you doing?

Fixing dinner.

Unless, you're a virgin.


Of course, I'm not a virgin.

You're a virgin.

It's gonna call for a little bit of extra magic.

Crazy bitch.

What are you doing?

I left skittles, so I could find my way back.



Okay. I kind of had the munchies and I kind of...

You ate my trail?

It's not like you said, "hey, bitch, don't eat the skittles.

"I'm laying down a trail." how the hell was I supposed to know?

Damn! Why would you eat skittles that were lying down on the ground?

Excuse me, maybe I was Running from zombies, freaking out and I needed some comfort food.

It's this way. Are you sure?

No, but I'm tired of you bitching about skittles. Come on. you're so screwed.

Oh god! Oh, god! Help!


Come on.


Hansel! Gretel!

Gretel, come on!

I can't get the straps off!


Oh, what the fuck!

What the fuck!

My pretty little boy, my pretty, pretty little boy, We have a little bit of unfinished business.

Are you all right?

Are they going to be all right?

Yeah. Thank god for kevlar.

That's true.

You kids are gonna be okay?

Yeah. I think so.

I think she's dead.

Oh, yeah.

Good night, kids.

I should have trusted you.

And I should have...

Believed you.

What have we here?

Oh! Aren't you the pretty one.

And look at that collar.

Somebody loves you, huh?

Do you have any id?

No, you don't.

Well, how would you like to come home with uncle norm.

And just until we find your family.

You are just so pretty.

Yes, you are.

We're gonna go to my nice, sweet home.

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