Happy Anniversary (2018) Script

(BOTTLE RATTLING)

(LIQUID POURING)

(INHALES) This is a Ometepe.

It's beautiful.

It's gorgeous. Thanks for showing us that.

Thank you. Thanks for that gift.

Lindsay and I hiked to the peak, and we swam in a crater.

MAN 2: Oh, wow. Only took us 12 hours up and down.

Is that all? Twelve hours? That's it? Fuck.

I uncovered a lot that I'd been burying. Oh.

The food at the Eagle Lodge. The breakfast is insane.

Hao, show them. Oh, yeah.

We actually love breakfast. We've seen a ton of breakfasts. Thank you.

I'm sure. And the pictures are so small you can barely… You're right. You know, watch this.

What?

LINDSAY: Yeah, yeah. Just takes a second.

LINDSAY: Yeah. It'll work, it'll work. It's worth the wait.

Do you want more fernet?

We're still working on it. We're still… Yeah.

Thank you though. (CHUCKLES)

(SWALLOWS) (GASPS)

It's good, right? It feels… It's good for you. It's like medicine.

(SPITS IN GLASS) Very good. Very nice. Yeah.

HAO: Here we go. Mmm. Mm-hmm. MAN 2: Oh, wow!

MAN 2: That is breakfast.

Fernet? I'm sorry, fernet? Oh, I know.

Why can't they just drink wine? Because everybody drinks wine.

Yeah. Well, everyone drinks wine for a reason.

How long till we have to hang out with them again?

I know. I know it's annoying, but Lindsay's like family to me.

We went to college together.

A bunch of people went to art school with Hitler, but eventually they moved on.

Fair. Very fair.

Whoa, wait. Until the mailbox.

Are you crazy? I'll give you hydrant, and that's all I'll give you.

Hydrant? Don't be a pussy.

Okay, no. Um, ugly bush.

Ugly bush. Ugly bush.

Ready? Here it comes. And that's the bush.

(TAUNTING WHINE) Oh… Oh-ho-ho.

Don't brake. Do not brake! I'm not braking!

Do not brake! I'm not braking!

(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

MAN 2: Oh-ho-ho!

(MAN 2 SIGHS)

Whoo!

You clicked before ugly bush. Bullshit.

You did. It was way before the bush.

No. We grazed the fucking fence.

I actually think that we scratched the bumper.

So? That's what it's there for.

It's called a bumper. It's meant to bump into things.

But they charge you for that when you return the lease, and I think some of the rubber rubbed off on the fucking fence.

Landlord's gonna take that out of our security deposit.

You're right. We should move out before our landlord realizes what we've done.

We could hide out on Ometepe. I hear it's really nice this time of year.

Great breakfasts. Yeah.

Yeah, I've seen pictures.

You know, Lindsay and Hao make all other humans miserable, but they actually make each other really happy.

Oh, my God. Those two?

Yeah. I know it's crazy, but he looks at her like he's just met her.

That's a fuckin' act.

No, it's not. It is.

No, when they talk to each other, they're not just talking.

They're really listening. Believe me, it's bullshit, okay?

They're not happy.

Not like we're happy.

And speaking of happy… you know what day today is?

That's not until tomorrow. Mmm.

It is tomorrow.

Three years. Three years.

(EXHALES)

(BARKING)

(BARKING)

(BARKING CONTINUES)

(GROANING)

Shut the fuck up, Donny!

♪ Happy anniversary, happy anniversary ♪ ♪ Happy anniversary, happy anniversary ♪

Ow, fucking… I fucking stepped on a stupid fucking clip.

Oh. Morning, beautiful lady.

You're only allowed to say that if you mean it.

I do mean it. I like you like this. No makeup, just you.

Really? Oh. Mmm.

But your breath smells like cat food.

(EXHALING) (GROANING)

Fancy Feast. Oh, my God! What did you eat?

Oh, is that a…?

Blueberry buttermilk scone? Mm-hmm.

(GRUNTS) And is that…?

A little something special from the east side.

Do you like jam? I forget. Do you love jam or do you like jam?

You're crazy going into that neighborhood. It's dangerous.

Historic Filipinotown?

Yeah, they have gangs. Yeah. Historic gangs.

(CHUCKLES) Mmm. Hit me.

Bonk. Bonk.

No. Meow Mix. I don't care.

Happy anniversary.

Oh, my God.

Do you know what's about to happen? Mm-mmm.

Oh, yeah. (MOANS)

Do you feel what's about to happen? Hmm? You know it?

(SIGHS)

Mmm. (KISSES)

I'm not happy.

What? Nothing.

You can't nothing “I'm not happy.” I am so sorry.

You're sorry you said it, or you're sorry you're not happy?

Both. Oh.

On our anniversary.

I know. I wasn't planning on saying anything today.

It literally just came out. Like I physically couldn't hold it in anymore.

It was emotional diarrhea.

This moment is when you want to do it?

You are such a good person, Sam, and I want to be happy with you.

I really, really do, but… We've been together for three years. You couldn't talk to me?

Every time I try and talk to you about my feelings, you get mad.

That's because your feelings are fucking bullshit.

You get off on not being happy when everything's fucking fine.

Are you fucking serious?

Did that seem fine to you?

I'm not saying that we're perfect. Okay?

Nobody's fucking perfect.

I know that.

I just want the most perfect version of imperfectness.

I, um… Tell me what's wrong. What are you missing?

I know I miss the person that I met three years ago.

You can't do that, okay?

You can't compare me now to the me three years ago.

That guy was wooing you. You should never stop wooing.

This orange juice is freshly squeezed. I just wooed your ass off.

You drove ten minutes.

Into gang territory. How do you forget that so quickly?

For your favorite scone.

We split this thing every time we go.

You love that fucking scone. No, they're fine, okay?

You were so excited to get me to try them the first time that I didn't want to disappoint you, but you love these things, Sam.

My guess is you probably woke up this morning craving them, and you knew you had to do something vaguely nice for our anniversary, so you decided to kill two birds with one scone.

In England, they pronounce it “skahn.” When's the last time you did something just for me?

Because that's what the guy that I first met would do.

That guy was romantic.

Come on. Let's go sit down.

Shira? No, sorry.

Are you absolutely sure you're not Shira Weinberg?

Yeah, I'm almost positive my name is Mollie.

Mollie. Mm-hmm.

Of course. Nice to meet you, Mollie. Nice to meet you.

If I flirt with you right now, I look like an asshole, right?

Because you know I'm waiting for somebody else?

You have amazing eyes, Mollie.

I did it. Fuck it, I did it. I flirted with you anyway.

Who am I? I'm Sam. Nice to meet you.

So is it like a blind date?

(CLICKS TONGUE, SIGHS) Well, to be honest… I love when people specify “to be honest.” Does that mean I can assume everything you've said before and are about to say to me is bullshit?

It's an Internet date. God help you.

Mmm. I don't think he will, seeing as I don't believe in him, which is probably why he's punishing me now by making you not Shira Weinberg.

You really don't believe that there's anything out there?

I don't not believe.

I feel like it's something that humans can never fathom.

Like quarks. Or black Republicans.

I believe in ghosts. I am so sorry. I think I did see Shira.

I know it's crazy, but I like people too much to believe that they just go away.

I wish I liked people that much.

Maybe you just know the wrong ones.

So what is this meeting? Is it like a thing?

A thing? Is it a date? I want to know… Is it a date? I'm not answering that question.

Okay.

And it looks like your thing just walked in.

No, no, no, no. That is not Shira.

You're right. She's more of a Dawn.

Oh, that's a Dawn. Yeah, she lives at home with her parents.

She's really into firemen.

Yeah, she used to be a cheerleader, but one of the ones on the bottom of the pyramid, because she's beautiful but also sturdy, knows how to get it done.

I used to be a cheerleader. I'm listening.

It was the worst.

The football players smelled. The girls were brutal to me.

They absolutely tortured me. If you were just at all different… Do you still have the uniform or… I am opening up my soul to you about the torture of my childhood, and this is your question?

I'm so sorry, but do you have the uniform?

I have it somewhere, yeah.

All right, Mollie. We know about Dawn.

Why don't we give these two a shot? Who are these two?

Well, she's Patricia, a pharmaceutical rep, and Dale.

Oh, wow. The doctor.

Of course he is. And he became a doctor to meet a pharmaceutical rep.

This happened the exact way he wanted?

Exactly. Unbelievable.

It's under Weinberg. W-E-I-N… Ah. …berg as in “berg.” Hey, she's cute. Yeah.

I have really good taste in women. Mm-hmm.

Hey.

(KISSING)

You were nervous that that was my thing.

You were nervous I was gonna fall in love with Shira Weinberg.

Now, Mollie, if you will, I have to go.

Lateness is one of Shira's pet peeves.

You're actually gonna go through with it? Yeah.

I can't leave her stranded like that. That'd be cruel.

Also, she is waving.

Could you wave back with me so it looks like we're… Yes. Fantastic.

Okay. Great.

Rest assured though, I'll be thinking about you the entire time.

Bye, Moll.

Hey. Mollie, what do you do for a living?

Really? I expected more from you than that. That is such a cliché question.

Yeah, it's a cliché question, but if you don't tell me, how am I going to be able to stalk you?

The edible arrangement you sent? That guy was romantic.

Romantic. You're pissing in front of me.

Yeah, I've been drinking a lot of water.

I'm staying hydrated. You should be happy for me.

And you didn't love that guy.

You hated the me you met. You know you did.

I did not.

You did. You hated my hair. Yeah, it was science teacher creepy.

You hated my clothes. Oh, yeah.

Do you remember those shoes?

You hated my apartment. Yeah, it was depressing.

What's depressing is your idealizing the past when you were never happy with me.

You're never happy with anything. (SIGHS) There's nothing to eat.

There is a scone waiting for you on the bed right now, hand-delivered, by the way, and I think if you just try the jam…

(DONNY BARKING)

Again? Third time this morning.

Oh, my God. Shut the fuck up, Donny.

Wait, wait. You're all right.

There's nothing out there. There's nothing out there.

Or maybe there is.

No. I think you just smell a raccoon or something.

Yeah, either that or there's an evil creature lurking in the bushes, taunting him.

But you will never catch him for there is no creature. Oh, my God.

Because the creature is you! Whoo… Oh!

My… What? Why do you do that?

What? 'Cause he's dumb and I love him and it's fun.

(GROANS, SIGHS) (DONNY BARKING)

(CHUCKLES)

Happy anniversary.

(SIGHS) It's just a day, Sam.

Really? Just a day?

It feels like a lot more. I mean, all this time together.

It's kind of a big deal, right?

You're right.

(MOLLIE SIGHS) It's our anniversary tomorrow.

It's really, like, I don't know.

MOLLIE: It's scary.

Reassuring. If you can make it that long with someone, you can make it forever.

MOLLIE: If you don't know for sure by now, maybe it's just time to move on?

SAM: Maybe it's time to commit.

We spent our last anniversary We spent our last anniversary in Dubrovnik. In Dubrovnik.

It was majestic. It was majestic.

I mean, three years. It feels like a threshold.

I know.

Oh, shit. My dad's gonna kill me.

That's right. You gotta take your dad to his thing today.

Wait. His “thing”?

His thing, it's called chemo.

My dad has cancer and he's getting chemo. I know.

You can't even say it. You know what I meant.

This is what you do. You sugarcoat things.

I don't sugarcoat anything.

Yeah? I've seen less sugarcoating on a Krispy Kreme.

No… According to you, my father just has some extra-fun bonus tissue in his colon.

“Congratulations, Mr. Mangini. These cells are real fast growers.” Hey, hey. My dad has cancer, and I'm not happy!

Hey, can we not do this outside, please?

Oh, my God. God forbid that our neighbors hear this!

Or see us having sex in the millimeter space in the broken blinds in the window.

We can't talk about money in a taxi because you're too embarrassed for the driver to hear you complaining when he has it way worse. Hey.

You are so worried about everybody else that you don't give a shit about the one person that's supposed to matter most because you already have me.

That's so nice, Sam, but when's the last time a cabbie gave you a blow job?

Does an Uber driver count?

That's not fun… I'm not laughing. It is kind of funny.

No. I'm not laughing.

Because Grindhorst sucked my penis in a surprising way.

Oh, God.

You would have loved the way he sucked my dick.

(MOLLIE SIGHS)

(BUTTON CLICKS) (CHIMING)

Fuck. (CHIMING CONTINUES)

I thought I told you to get this fixed. You want a ride to your parents' or not?

(ENGINE STARTS) SAM: Ooh!

(SIGHS)

Today's your big work thing.

Yep, which is why I was hoping for a little more support and a little less “I'm not happy.” Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry my feelings don't line up with your schedule.

You know, you can't control emotions.

Are you fucking serious? Coming from you?

You're like the Wayne Gretzky of emotion control.

You somehow manage to control whether or not you fall in love.

It's not called “gently reclining” in love. It's called falling in love.

Because, yeah, it could hurt, but you're never gonna know unless you jump off the fucking ledge.

Who's Wayne Gretzker? It's like you've been wading into a pool for three years.

Just slowly, painfully, adjusting to the cold.

At some point, usually when the water touches your balls or the bottom of your vagina, people just jump in.

You think I don't want to? Well, then why don't you?

If you didn't have to curl the same piece of hair three times, we wouldn't be late.

I'm trying to fix this piece of hair for you so that I can make you look good.

How good will it look if we end up going to the dinner party late?

So glad we weren't late.

Why do you keep fighting me? I'm not. You won't admit when I'm right.

Stop being such a bitch.

I was kidding. No, you weren't. Mm-mmm.

Yes, I was. I was kidding.

Hey. Right.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

The only time I'll ever be happy is when you're fucking dead.

I didn't say that. I heard you.

I didn't mean it. Of course. You were just kidding.

Mollie, come on. (SIGHS) You lived those days too, Sam.

I mean, what about us makes you so goddamn sure?

Hope you like this place. The short ribs look great.

Tsk. I'm a vegetarian.

I never would have brought us here for the first date if I knew.

Except that I eat fish. Okay.

And prosciutto. Because it's delicious.

And fennel sausage and pepperoni on pizza.

'Cause that doesn't count. It's on pizza. Of course. Yeah.

Do you want to split the chili fries? Yes, I think so.

(SAM MOANS) Yeah.

Okay. Okay.

This is exactly what I thought it was gonna be like.

Exactly what I thought it was gonna be like.

Yeah. That's him.

That's the one. That's Mr. Woofington.

I thought we were gonna call him Donny. Yeah, Donny Woofington, attorney-at-dog.

He's a lawyer? Wow. Mm-hmm.

And does Woofington do human cases, or is it, like, pet cases?

No, it's human. Like civil rights, immigrations issues.

He comes in the courtroom… Gitmo release detainments. Wow, shit. He really gets into it.

I had no idea. This is good for everybody if we get him.

(IN UNISON) Defense!

Defense!

(BOTH SHOUTING)

But he's so healthy. (MOLLIE SNIFFLES)

Yeah, I guess it doesn't make a difference.

I want a cigarette.

You don't smoke.

Yeah, but I might as well start since it's all bullshit.

I want a cheeseburger and I want Marlboro Reds.

No. Why not?

Because I don't want to lose you.

I don't want to lose you either.

Really?

I mean, not yet. Maybe when we're 70 and I'm sick of you.

(SAM LAUGHS)

This is so hard. It doesn't have to be.

Look. Nobody's saying we have to get married.

Why do we have to decide now? Why can't we take our time?

Because I don't have any more time, Sam.

Oh, right. So this is the baby thing? You don't think I'm baby-worthy.

No, it's not that. This is fucking insane.

Sam… Amazing. Amazing.

The person getting in the way of our relationship doesn't even exist yet.

You don't understand how much pressure there is for me. It's easy for you.

You can have a Steve Martin baby when you're 80.

I don't want to have a baby when I'm an old man who can't pick up his fucking kid.

You would love that.

I could think of nothing you would love more than not having to carry your baby.

Yeah, that would be nice.

Meanwhile I'm a 30-ish-years-old woman.

I should have figured this shit out like yesterday.

What, I have, like, four, five years for me not to have a messed-up baby?

If you're not the guy, I need to budget time to find the guy.

Then there's another three years of vetting, and my biological clock is just ticking down, tick, tick, tick, fast approaching zero.

Basically, I'm in The Hurt Locker.

The Hurt Locker. You know what? You're right.

Why don't we pull the red wire? Good luck with everything.

Sam… I do hope you find that perfectly imperfect person, but I have news for you.

He doesn't exist.

You won't let yourself be happy.

It's not easy for me, Sam.

My… My parents, it's…

We're not them.

I don't want to stay together just to stay together.

Barely speak to each other, sleep in separate rooms.

Oh, my God, you would love your own room.

Yeah. You could stretch out.

You could do that weird fucking thing that you do in bed.

Yeah, it would be really nice.

Look, maybe I… Maybe I'll just stay with my parents for a little while.

Obviously if you want to be near your dad when he's sick, I get it.

Yeah.

And it would be good for me to see things from another perspective.

What does that mean, “another perspective”?

You know, give us space to clear our heads.

Like a little break.

Mollie, is this about… Hey, Mollie?

Mollie… Is this about your dad, or is this about us breaking up?

Space can be good. How long you been planning this?

It's just a time-out. It doesn't have to be a huge thing.

Pick up the rest of your shit today. All right?

Come on. Whoa.

Well, fuck. (SIGHS)

Fine. It's totally okay.

We both needed a break. Just…

(GRUNTS) Oh.

I don't need a man.

I got it. You're independent, Mollie.

Mom?

MAN: She's dead to me.

The thing about Mollie is… Who? Oh, the dead girl, because she's so dead to me.

Ed, you can't say that… This woman strings you along for three fucking years.

And not just any years. The golden fucking years of your mid-30s.

It's more complicated than that. How is it complicated?

She's an awful person. She doesn't appreciate you.

You don't understand, okay? All you see is happy fun-time friend Sam.

I'm a blast around you. You're not that fun.

You're not privy to all my faults, like two beers almost always leads to eight, and when I get upset, I say these venomous, acidic things that I would never say in a million years.

Also, I'm not as thoughtful as I was at the beginning.

Basically, you're a human being.

And believe me, you're a really good one, Sam.

All right? And if she can't see that, then fuck her!

Wow, that turned.

Come here.

Come here. Nah.

Hey, hey. I don't want to.

I have never seen anyone more in need of a hug in my life.

Bring that shit in. Come here. Come on.

I don't want to. It's happening.

Don't. Don't. Five, four, three… Four, five.

Don't count up. Six.

You messed it… Fuck this. There we go.

There it is. Mmm. Mmm.

Just breathe. There you go.

(EXHALES)

It's a huge problem with American men, how you're uncomfortable sharing physical affection like this.

Did you know Italian dudes hold hands in the street?

I didn't know that.

French dudes kiss hello. On the mouth?

I was watching footie the other night, and this Portuguese player scored a goal, and basically a gang bang broke out.

I don't get soccer.

I feel better. I do feel better.

(CHUCKLES) Thank you for that.

Oh, you just checked to see if she texted you.

I'm checking to see if the buyer called, okay?

It's like you just gave her your digits and you're waiting for that first text back.

(DING)

(WARBLES)

(WARBLES)

(WARBLES)

(WARBLES) (CHUCKLES)

Ahhh…

Ahem!

Whoo!

We've got to get you back out there.

I'm gonna set you up with one of Priya's mates.

Jesus Christ. Ed, no, no, no, no.

The last thing I want to do in the fucking universe now is start dating again.

I used to think that arranged marriages were unethical, but now I'm starting to think they're the less painful process.

Doing it ourselves? That shit is inhumane.

Look at your parents. They had an arranged marriage, and they're super happy.

My parents met at medical school.

Right. Yeah.

Asshole. Right, right.

I was kidding. I was kidding.

I know that Sam's a good person deep down, but is that good enough?

And is good enough good enough for the rest of my life?

No kidding. (EARPHONES: MAN SPEAKING)

And that's when I decided to kill Sam.

Yeah.

With one of those spiky metal balls, and nobody's been suspicious, because I've just been dragging his corpse around Weekend at Bernie's style.

Well, he's a good guy, Mollie. (SIGHS)

What are you listening to? What? No, I have it… I have it way down. Torah on Tape?

You know, I've never actually read the whole Bible.

You still haven't read it. Somebody's reading it to you.

What? Okay.

It's just gonna be the one night here. Then I'm gonna stay with a friend.

Listen, you're gonna work this out with Sam, okay?

I mean, you're always like this with decisions.

This is different. How?

I don't know. I guess… it doesn't just affect me, it's also about Sam.

And a potential baby creature.

No. Oh!

Mom… Oh, wait. Shh.

Oh, I think I felt something.

Oh, congratulations. You are the proud grandmother of a vegan breakfast bowl.

That's mean. That's just mean.

Andiamo, bella. We go chemo.

Yeah, we go chemo.

…A high wind advisory for Riverside County… Ah. Fucking Hal-a Storm.

You don't like Hal Storm?

He hates him.

He think he so smart.

Hal-a Storm.

One hundred years young today. (LAUGHING) Wow!

Moses.

Come on. MOLLIE'S MOM: Crazy.

So we get into this very real fucking fight.

Then instead of dealing with it, she goes and runs off to her fucking parents.

No, I don't buy it. No, she's probably with a rebound guy.

Rebounding right onto another dude's genitals.

Say what you will about Mollie, she'd never do anything like that.

Oh, you're naive.

Women are like dogs. Wow. I say that as a dog lover.

But the truth is, you have to establish dominance early, or they'll piss all over your rug. Okay.

For the record, we've always hated her.

Who's “we”?

Me and your mum. We Facebook message.

My mom's on Facebook? This is your problem, mate.

Mollie is some flip-over-your-head, bicycle kick, high-degree-of-difficulty shit.

It doesn't have to be this hard.

Go for a girl that's into you.

What about the one you whined about before Mollie? That lasted, like, a year.

Georgia.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Georgia was… She was awesome.

She was sweet, she was nice, but I feel like something was missing.

Yeah, the misery.

Maybe Mollie and I are just too different.

Like I see the glass of water as half full.

She sees the water as poisoned.

Also, there's a chip in the glass, so when you drink it, it's gonna cut your esophagus, you're gonna bleed everywhere.

Why don't we ask that waiter for a new glass now.

She just won't let herself be happy.

And neither will you.

Stop punishing yourself. Find something simpler.

Can we please just get ready for this pitch?

I can't work in the fucking office designing deodorant labels anymore.

We have to get our shirts on this website.

Eddie, is it okay if I do… No, not in this heat.

No, you don't have to. Hey, hey.

Cold, cold, low spin. The sexy shit doesn't go in the dryer.

Yeah. I got it.

Okay. Good luck, guys.

Bye, muffin. Thanks, Priya.

What? I'm trying to remember.

It's cold, cold, low spin. Cold, cold… Wait, wait. Cold, cold.

Low spin. Low spin.

Go fuck yourself. Fantastic.

You're like Cesar Millan the way you establish dominance.

This is an entirely different situation. That is totally different?

Tell me why.

I'm not supposed to say anything for, like, three months, but that's in a week. Oh.

That woman now carries my seed. Ed.

It's a total shift in the dominance paradigm.

My prince is in there. That makes her a queen.

Are you…? Mmm… You barely know this girl.

I know.

But look at what you're dealing with.

Maybe it's better this way, right? Rip off the Band-Aid.

How does it even…? Did the condom break?

There's no condom. I do the pullout.

You do the pullout method? Yeah, our futon is fucked.

What about the pre-cum? You don't even think about the pre-cum.

I always thought that was some old wives' tale.

Yeah. An old wife with a very large family.

WOMAN: Hello?

ED: You must be the buyer from Shoppy. Welcome.

Come in.

I have to pick up my son from preschool at 4:30.

Great. Great. Kids are important.

What's…? Whoa.

What is this? (CHUCKLES)

Uh, your mother. She buy it. For my head.

Why don't you wear it?

(MOLLIE LAUGHS) I look like Three Stooge.

Sam loves The Three Stooges.

Sam. How come he no ask you to marry?

Because he knows that we're still figuring it out.

Oh, no rush.

Stage four. I have plenty of time.

Uh, thank you. I needed more pressure.

You better adjust your thinking, Curly. Yeah.

Because even if I get back together with Sam, I don't think we're going to get married.

What is this?

Yeah, marriage is bullshit. Ah!

And weddings are an even bigger waste. Why should I get married?

So we can get new plates we're afraid to eat off of?

Bella, bella.

Weddings are-are, uh, beautiful.

I walk you down the aisle, people cry.

Beautiful. Capito?

You want to know why I cry at weddings? Ah.

Because I feel bad for the bride. (CHUCKLES)

If he asked me today, I'd say no.

But you wrong. And he should still ask you.

That would require him making a big decision on his own, and, trust me, that ain't happening.

So what do you think?

Ooh, they're great.

Yeah, but which do you prefer? I don't… No, pick one. The one in the middle.

The door's already painted that color. Ah.

(MOLLIE GIGGLES)

(SAM INHALES SHARPLY)

This way you can get whatever you want.

Okay. Okay, next time, just pick something.

Please. Even if it's wrong, I'll love it.

MOLLIE: What do you think? Whichever is fine.

All right, I always pick. And you do an excellent job.

It's Italian and Vietnamese. Two very distinct choices.

Please stop being so wishy-washy.

I don't see you making a decision, all right? You're just as noncommittal.

D-D-Dad, no, back streets, back streets. Come on. Traffic.

(SIGHS) The freeway's terrible this time of day.

I told you six times, take back streets.

You know what I think?

I think Samuel, he no want to take charge because you, you only like things the way you like them.

Okay, yeah. A little faster.

No, no, slow down, slow down.

Okay. Lean back a little. Like… Like that? Lean back. Yeah, right there.

No.

(EXHALES) Okay.

Go. Do it. Okay. Okay, okay, okay.

A dress.

You hate it. No.

No? Look me in the eyes and tell me you like it.

I can always return it.

Right there. But stay there. Now go in a circle.

Like… No, no, counterclockwise, yes.

Okay, is that counterclockwise?

Yeah. It's winding backwards. Okay, clockwise, clockwise.

Fine. Fucking… Vietnamese.

Really? That's a lot of mint.

This is how you are.

Your way or the highway.

Yeah, and look around. The highway is terrible.

No, that's all right.

Move… They moving. Must be accident. (HORN HONKING)

Mm-hmm.

Why don't we… Here, take a seat. We're gonna show you.

Put that in the perfect… Okay.

And hit your mark and look at her and smile.

And start talking now.

I'm sure you've seen these before.

The douche… was not content to subtly announce his douche-hood.

He wanted to scream it.

TOGETHER: “I'm wearing a shirt!” SAM: But some people don't want their shirts to shout, and a plain shirt is boring.

Not these though.

TOGETHER: Even if you're the only one who knows it.

And then give her the shirt. Give it.

It's intriguing.

Great. Thank you.

ED: Oh… ED: There was ink on the chair.

What? It wasn't even about you.

I was thinking about, like, what time was Frasier on.

Frasier was on what time? 9:30.

9:00 Central. We were just wondering what time Frasier was on.

It was a good show.

(MONITORS BEEPING)

MOLLIE'S DAD: Celebrity.

They just like us.

Only they can afford to get divorce.

(MOLLIE CHUCKLES) Yeah.

Relax. We just dying.

Read something.

I don't want to.

Hospital magazines freak me out.

Gloria, my daughter.

She think she gonna catch cancer from National Geographic.

I'm getting a drink. You want something? Martini, three olive.

Okay.

(BABY CRYING)

Mollie?

Arik. Hi.

Hi. How random is this?

It's so random. Come here.

MOLLIE: Oh.

Oh.

Of course, I run into you looking like shit.

No, you look, you look… You don't… I've been up since 2 a.m. Talia, my wife, just delivered.

Congratulations, “Dad.” That's me. (LAUGHS) (MOLLIE LAUGHS)

God, you're gonna be such a great dad. Oh?

Yeah. You were always just so… Do you remember that time we found the kitten under the truck?

You let it sleep in the bed even though you're allergic.

Most guys would do that.

Most men wouldn't even crawl under the truck.

(ARIK LAUGHS)

You'll make a good father. Thank you.

Can I ask you a question? Yeah.

How did you know, um, with Talia… that she was the one?

That's a good question.

Yeah, I'm not sure you ever do.

I should get going. Yeah.

You look great, by the way.

Oh, no. (LAUGHS)

No, I mean it.

You know, you have a memory of people from the past, and usually reality disappoints.

But that's not the case.


(GASPS) Oh! (CHUCKLES)

Don't look at me that way.

It's too late anyway. He has a baby.

And a Talia.

Dude, that's not coming out. It's not fucking coming out.

It's gonna come out.

It will not come out. Ever.

Well, we use really good ink.

Are you sure you wouldn't be more comfortable in a T-shirt?

I started modeling at 14.

You have until when-this-dries-o'clock to convince me why I need to sell your shit.

Thank you so much for… Um… We feel like our designs… (PHONE CHIMING)

That's so unprofessional.

If it's important…

(CHIMING)

No.

No. No, it's definitely not important.

What's important is you and you understanding that the way we get our ideas…

(CHIMING) Fuck. Fuck.

Who is it?

It is… Ugh.

I don't want to tell you. It's a competing e-tailer.

(SNORTS) We're hot right now, so a lot of calls are coming in on my personal cellular device, but our focus is on you.

What's her name? Her name is Mollie.

Girlfriend. Oh, here we go.

We broke up this morning. Who broke up with whom?

Ah, it's complicated. She dumped him.

Big-time. Hey.

Answer it. I don't mind.

I'm not gonna answer the phone call. We're here to do a pitch and…

(CHIMING) Fucking what? Oh, my God! I'm sorry.

I'll pick up. Then we don't have to talk about it ever again.

Hey. Mollie? I can't talk now.

I need you to come home.

This is not the time.

Shit. Of course, it's your work thing. I'm sorry. Never mind.

(LINE BEEPING) Hello?

Hello?

(STAMMERS)

We feel like our smaller design helps us stand out in an overcrowded marketplace.

What happened? Over there?

Nothing. She wanted eggs. I'm gonna get her some eggs.

That blouse costs $1,500. Now tell me the truth.

It was Mollie. She wants me to come home right now.

But I'm not gonna come home right now.

Do you love this woman?

Hey. I love you.

Hey, I love you too. (CHUCKLES) - Bonk.

Total bonk. (CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLING)

That's a long answer.

It shouldn't be.

Go home. That should be your priority.

I see what you're doing, and it's awesome, but I'm not going home.

I wouldn't want to be in business with someone who didn't understand that notion.

Do you understand that notion, Sam? Yes, ma'am.

I'll be so quick you won't know that I'm gone.

Preschool pickup is at 4:30.

4:30. That's so easy.

I am so sorry. Die in a fire.

SAM: Yes.

(LAUGHS) We-We-We feel our costs are…

(DRYER BUZZES) Oh, the whites are done.

Mollie!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What the fuck is that?

(DONNY WHINES)

Hey, hey, hey. Hey, are you okay? Are you all right?

Yeah, I came back to get the rest of my stuff, and then Donny was barking crazier than ever, and…

(COUGHING) …turns out there is a creature.

It's a skunk. Yeah.

It's gonna be okay, all right? Yeah.

Yeah? Yeah. (SNIFFLES)

Um, I'm not crying. I'm just… It's the… It's the smell that's making my eyes water.

I know. I can feel it on my tongue.

I googled it, and it says that we're supposed to bathe him in tomato juice.

But turns out the only person who's prepared for a skunking is my grandma. (SNIFFS)

Oh. (DONNY WHINES)

I think we have something.

Aw. Yeah, that's a good boy.

(DONNY WHINES) TOGETHER: Oh.

Hey. I got him.

No, no. I got him.

Hold still, beast.

God. Oh, no, he's licking it.

No, Donny, no.

No, Donny, no. Do you have a notion of how disgusting what you're doing is?

I don't know. I guess that's good, right?

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Should I get the vodka? Just throw it in the tub?

Aaah! SAM: Oh!

It'll come out. It'll come out.

Oh!

Oh, it drips down. (LAUGHS)

No, no. (SCREAMS)

(LAUGHS) You look like Carrie.

What is that? That's not Carrie. That's just a scared person.

Donny! Oh. (GRUNTS)

(MOLLIE LAUGHS) Oh, no.

He's on the bed. Oh, no!

He's 100 percent on the bed going like this.

Tomato shit all over our fucking room. (LAUGHS)

Time's up. What? Oh, no, that's soaking.

You can't wear that. You'll catch a cold or something, freeze your tits off.

I'm sorry, I thought you were…

Ed?

It's nothing. They ruined my top.

Oh, my God. Is that Couture?

It was.

Oh, I'll let you get back to it.

She seemed lovely.

We're having a baby.

Yeah. Mazel tov. Yeah.

Pullout?

When I remember.

Yeah.

Ooh, up top.

Very well done today. Whoo!

Oh. (LAUGHS)

Oh, my God. How do you think that ranks?

It was very good.

I would probably say top three. Honestly, I gotta put it in the top three.

Really? That's all?

That's all? What beats it?

Montecito.

Yeah. Ah.

Oh, my God. You're gonna love this hotel.

They give you your own entire casita. Mmm.

Sounds like a place that a fancy businessman would stay and, like, order a very expensive escort for the evening.

Yes, this is the place. Yes. Yeah.

Let's do it.

You want to get a hooker?

No, no, I want to be the hooker.

And you're the elegantly depraved hedge fund guy.

Yeah?

Good evening, prostitute. It's good… That's stupid. Think depraved.

I'm bad news. I'm Walter Matthau Bad News Bears.

Come here often?

No, she's coming to your room. She's never been there before.

I've fucked women twice your size.

No, that doesn't add up.

Is that butthole open for business?

Is that butthole…? Is that tokus…? No, tushy.

Does that tushy need a banging?

I guess I'm a bad boy too.

Yeah, I cheat on my taxes.

Bet you 500 bucks I can fuck you.

That's basically what a prostitute is. Like a weird bet.

Ooh!

Thanks.


Hi.

Oh, gosh.

I'm not actually a hooker. I'm just doing this for fun with my boyfriend.

Is that worse?

Checking in?

Hi. I need the key for Casita 17.

Yes. The… gentleman mentioned you'd be arriving.

Jean Louis will direct you.

Jean Lou… Yes. Perfect.


The money's on the dresser.

Enjoy.

Count it.

One monies, two money, three money, all the money.

What do you have for me?

That's amazing. Where did you get…?

Are we gonna have sex like that? Mm-hmm.

Ah. Okay, yeah. (LAUGHS) Okay, okay.

MOLLIE: Oh!

Yeah, it's definitely top two.

Mmm. You know, I never got my money back, Pretty Woman.

Hey. I earned that shit.

You sure fucking did. (CHUCKLES)

Hey, Sam? Yeah?

I'm sorry about this morning.

It's just the way that my mind works.

I wish it didn't, but it does.

I know.

I just want to be happy. I want you to be happy.

What are we gonna do?

I don't know.

At a certain point, you gotta shit or get off the pot.

Yeah. Otherwise you get hemorrhoids, and that's worse than anything.

(CHUCKLES)

How'd it go with Shoppy?

I gotta go.

(WHISTLING)

(DINGS)

(HUMMING)

(DINGS)

(WARBLES)

(EXHALES)

(DINGS)

Oh, my… You just made a baby with that thing.

Oh.

Hey. Hey.

Who's texting you? It was nothing.

Really? 'Cause it seemed like a lot of texts.

Yeah, it's just my mom complaining about my dad.

Believe me, that doesn't fit into one text.

Yet this does.

No. Hey, Sam.

Don't. Nothing is going on.

You liked me because I'm smart, so don't treat me like a fucking idiot.

I ran into him at the hospital today, but nothing happened.

Yet. Yet. Because you didn't say no, did you?

You said, “Now is not the time,” meaning that sometime in the future, that would be the time.

You're leaving the door open so you could rebound right onto him.

What? Because with you, the door's always open.

You are being ridiculous. I'm not being ridiculous.

Why were you looking at my iPad in the first place?

I wasn't. I was standing there, and a dick fucking popped up.

I wasn't leaving the door open.

If I had, would you blame me? We're not in the best place.

Wow. All right. Bye, Moll.

You've honestly never thought about another ex before?

What was her name? Georgie? Georgia.

Okay. You've never thought about fucking Georgia?

No. Oh, come on!

I haven't. Fine, lie to yourself.

I haven't thought about fucking her!

Sam, the neighbors.

Fuck, fuck the neighbors! And fuck you.

You want to know what I think about?

I think about how normal my life would have been with Georgia.

I think about a world free of fucking Mollie Mangini and her craziness and her bullshit.

I think back to Georgia and I wish I had the balls to stay bored, because, honestly, it would be a lot better than whatever the fuck this is!

(CAR DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)

(BUTTON CLICKS) (CHIMING)

SAM: Are you fucking kidding me?

(ENGINE STARTS)

(SIGHS)

(SAM PANTING)

Where's Willa?

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

Hey, Willa. Willa? I am so sorry.

I appreciate your passion, truly.

Now remove yourselves before my son walks through those doors.

If you'd just let me… No, I can't just.

Why don't you call me tomorrow.

Okay. Why don't we… Okay. Okay.

Okay, okay.

Okay, okay.

You know what? I'll give you a call tomorrow.

Your assistant will write it down. You'll never call back.

I may not have been a model when I was 14, but I wasn't born yesterday.

I know what it feels like to get blown off.

So you know what, Willa? You know what? Fuck you!

Oh, fuck, fuck you!

Fuck it all! (WOMEN MURMURING)

Fuck you up your goddamn skirt through your eyeballs!

Shut up for a second.

I don't want our art e-tailed by some hipster icy princess anyway.

So just in your fucking eyes and out your goddamn asshole!

WOMAN: Oh!

Didn't go well with the girl then?

No, it did not.

You done now? Yeah, I'm done.

Good.

Because since I've been standing here, every single one of these bitches told me they love my shirt.

You might want to consider doing a polka-dot pattern where every dot is a different little image.

Just a thought.

So you're gonna… Carry your line? Yes.

I was going to tell you tomorrow on the phone during appropriate working hours.

And, uh… And the offer, does it…? Even after I said…?

You're gonna be getting a lower percentage.

Oh, sorry, bud.

You too, Pullout.

Oh.

Oh, what? (SNORTS)

What a weird day, right? It feels like… (LAUGHING)

It's okay to laugh. You can laugh. (SNORTS)

Uh, tell your kid I say “what up?” And, um, thank you.

Hey, Ed?

Remember what I told you about Georgia? Does it involve peaches?

No, the girl. Georgia.

No. Exactly.

'Cause she never made me feel like this.

What…? Hey, hey, where you going?

Sam!

Talking to me? Huh?

No, I said Sam. Is your name Sam?

Yes.

Then sorry.

(MAN ON RECORDING) “There are three things that are too amazing for me, four that I do not understand: the way of an eagle in the sky, the way of a snake on a rock”… Here you go, honey.

“…The way of a ship”… Mollie?

“…On the high seas… and the way of a man with a young woman.”

Proverbs, chapter 18.

He's right. I'm crazy.

No, you're not.

Thank you, but you're also crazy, so not a confidence booster.

(SIGHS)

What I need now is advice from my sensible best friend.

Sam. Yeah, Sam.

You love him.

So? “So?” You're just gonna lay here and let him go?

Maybe it's possible to love somebody and let them go. Maybe it's better?

Otherwise we're just gonna go through this over and over and over again and eventually we'll just end up hating each other completely.

The only reason that I married your father was so that he could stay in this country.

We were kids, and we liked each other.

But we never really loved each other.

Mom, you should have never married Dad.

And guess what. I'm not gonna make the same mistake you did.

You are making exactly the same mistake, stupid!

And…

it wasn't a mistake marrying your father.

Why not?

(CHUCKLES)

You.

What kind of mother calls her child “stupid”?

My mistake was not leaving your father.

But you and Sam love each other.

Don't miss out on somebody you really love just because you're scared.

Because believe me, the alternative is… It's way worse.

(DONNY WHINES)

You. Mmm.

And your dog smells like shit.

Oh! (WHINING)

You don't smell like shit.

You don't… Oh, gosh, you stink.

From your weather zone downtown, I'm Hal Storm.

Uh, you a stupid fucking piece of shit.

Hey, I'm taking your truck.

Hey, fill 'em up with gas after. Supreme octane, huh?

Why? You're dying, right?

Good point. Regular.

(CHUCKLES)

Why wasn't I nicer to you before you got sick?

Oh.

Uh, I was asshole.

(LAUGHS)

Yeah. You're much better with cancer.

Thank you.

Make it, uh, supreme.

(PHONE CHIMING)

(CHIMING CONTINUES)

(GROANS)

(SIGHS) (LINE RINGING)

(RINGTONE: BEETHOVEN'S SYMPHONY NO. 5)

What up, Destroyer?

Is he with you? No.

He's not answering his phone.

Guess our boy's finally gotten some sense.

Ed, I'm so sorry to tell you this, but I love our Sam. Like a lot.

Oh, shit.

Ed… No.

No.

It's good. I'm glad. It's… Hurry up and get pregnant, okay? I can't do this shit alone.

Do you know where he is? He said… Sorry, it feels incredibly wrong to be helping you, but I believe you truly love him, so I'm just gonna power through this.

I don't know where he went, but he said something about Georgia.

Hello?

(LINE BEEPING) Hello?

Oh, fuck it in the ass! (WOMAN GASPS)

Oh, when's it due?

No?

Hello?

Is he here?

Cookies!

Oh, no cookies, buddy.

Ever since the Girl Scouts came, he thinks everyone who comes to the door has cookies.

MAN: George, who's there?

Um… I… I'm so sorry to bother you. (CHUCKLES)

My-My truck broke down.

And my cell phone battery just fell out somewhere and… Come on in.

Really?

Okay.

Uh-huh. Okay.

Great. Thank you.

Oh.

Okay. Well, I guess I'll wait outside for the tow truck.

I know who you are.

Excuse me? You're the next girl after me.

I Facebook stalked you for like a year.

How'd you find me, by the way?

Peoplesearch.com.

Oh. It was $20. I just… Let's ask Mommy if she washed my black jeans.

Because Mommy said she… Hi, honey.

This is Mollie. Hi.

Do you remember Sam, my ex?

Uh, yeah, I think.

Mollie just broke up with him and was sure he'd come running to me.

This super-hot piece of ass was sure that her boyfriend wanted this.

Isn't that right, Mollie?

Yes. Oh.

Well, I don't know about the hot piece of ass part, but… He has a thing for your wife. That's right.

Does he still have that charming, quirky deal going on?

Oh, yes.

He's like nebbish but hot.

Yeah.

Anyway, why don't we get back to that super-important laundry dilemma.

Ach. You know what? It's all good.

Daddy's gonna wash them himself.

Okay. Okay.

Love you, little man.

CHILD: Bye. Yeah, bye. -Bye. -Bye-bye!

Bye. HUSBAND: Nice to meet you.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

(GEORGIA SIGHS)

Awkward, huh? Yes.

It's okay. I'll go.

Bye. Bye.

Ooh. Hey, we should go there.

SAM: That place? Yeah.

You want to build a ham radio? No, I'm serious.

They have the stuff nobody wants at Radio Shack, just more of it.

Hey. Trust me.

(SLURPING THROUGH STRAW)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

SAM: Oh, ho-ho-ho!

SAM: That was amazing. Yeah.

I'm so happy I chose to stop here. Uh-huh.

I'm gonna go get us another Flizzard. SAM: Yes, please.

Why are you waiting so long? Can you please get another one?

And walk there in a very unique way.

More unique than that. (LAUGHING)

It doesn't taste the same.

What?

It doesn't taste the same without her.

Would you like to add more Reese's for a dollar?

Okay.

Sam?

(LINDSAY CHUCKLES) No.

HAO: See, Lindsay? I told you it was him.

No, no. You were right. You get nuzzles.

Hurry it up.

You get one, two, three… You got to do it faster.

Is Mollie inside? I'm just picking up some things.

HAO: Us too. (LAUGHS) It's good to see you. Thanks.

LINDSAY: I love those. We're on our way to Rio Carmella.

Do you know it? No.

Called “glamping.” It's like luxury-style camping.

They provide everything.

Down comforters for sleeping bags.

European-style tents that are based on European designs, of course. Amazing.

It's incredibly romantic. I can't believe we're actually going.

We should take a photo. You should. Good luck with that.

I'll check it out on Instagram. It is a huge moment.

I'm not taking it. I'm not doing it.

Can you fuck… Here we go. I want to be like this.

Here we go. Ready? I think we'll do one of our classics.

Ready and… Whoo!

Oh, no, the… That was… Okay. Well, all right. That's okay.

Sorry. Sir? Hi. Hi.

Just snap us really quick. Yeah, quick.

Okay, and… (CLEARS THROAT) Yeah, okay.

So just… And emerge in three.

Two, one.

Hello?

Sam?

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

Fuck it.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Hmm.

Do you like jam? I forget. Do you love jam or do you like jam?

And I think if you just try the jam.

That guy was romantic.

Oh, my…

Your key, sir.

And will your “lady friend” be arriving shortly?

No, just me.


The creature… is you.

(SIGHS)


How you doing?

Okay. You?

Well, to be honest…

um, uh, tonight was kind of… kind of shitty.

But things are looking up, so… Oh? Why? Well, I just met a beautiful woman.

That redhead? No, I'm talking about you.

Oh.

Okay. Hi.

(KEYS CLATTER ON GROUND) Oh, shoot. Here.

Here you go. Okay.

Come on, dude. Fuck.

You see those two people over there?

You see them? Who do you think they are?

What do you mean? Like watch this.

I think he's a professional golfer, right?

And she's his mistress. And he knows he's got to stop.

He knows he's got to stop doing stuff with her, but he keeps landing in the top ten ever since they've been having sex, so he feels like he can't get rid of her or he's gonna start losing.

Okay, so who are they? Tell me who they are.

Those are the Sandersons.

I met them at breakfast. He's an accountant.

Is that for real what they are?

They're from Fresno.

Oh, thank God.

I have a key. Ma'am… I remember the way. Ma'am!

MAN: There is a popular notion of love at first sight.

“I met her and I knew.” Joan and Lee first met in October of 1964.

He served with her brother Arnold in the war.

Even then there was something special between them.

(GROANS) What's wrong?

Do not get a massage here.

The spa plays Enya so loudly, and my massage therapist had these giant sandpaper hands.

I swear to God, I think she fucked up my neck permanently.

Oh, really? I can… Do you…? I can… Is it, like, bad here?

That actually feels really good.

Is that the spot? Is that too hard? Um… You could probably get a better angle if I was lying down.

Yeah. Um… Yeah.

After a few years, they grew apart.

Moved apart.

Marriages happened.

Divorces happened.

Deaths happened.

It was at Arnie's funeral that they reconnected.

After only 52 years, they knew.

(GUESTS LAUGH) (LAUGHS)

And, Joan, do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?

JOAN: I do.

And, Lee… Ma'am. There's another way around.

Thanks.

I pronounce that they are husband and wife… Are you all right?

Yeah, I just, um… We have the same anniversary.

(GUESTS APPLAUDING)

Hey, you scratch my back, and I'll scratch yours.

Are these like potions?

(LAUGHS)

There's no lotion.

I can't find the lotion. What does it look like?

WOMAN: Lotion-y.

Fucking lotion-y.


WOMAN: Mmm. Sorry.

What?


How was the scone?

It was a little stale.

You know how it gets at the end of the day.

But it was worth the wait.

Yeah? Mm-hmm.

Wow, you smell like a bar. Okay.

Actually, you smell like the rubber mat on the ground behind the bar. Why?

Well, you look like a young… Your hair looks like Bamm-Bamm from…

(LAUGHING) You look amazing.

Mmm.

Bonk.

Bonk.

You sure about this?

Nope. You?

No, not even close.

But three years is a long time.

If we can make it this long, who knows?

Nobody.

Nobody knows, or else it'd just be too easy, right?

Stop being such a pessimist.


(SIGHS) So last night.

Mm-hmm? Top three?

Tsk. I don't know.

Mmm… I think we have a new leader. Whoa! Bold statement.

That's number one? You don't agree?

I do.

I do, but you know what? We can do better.

If we hit it down once or twice a day, we can knock it out of the park.

Do you think you have the stamina to keep up with me?

Do I think I have the stamina to keep up with you?

Whoa, whoa.

Mailbox.

Mailbox.

Go.

Open gate.