Happy Birthday (2016) Script

Brady?

Hey, babe, it's me.

Hey. I took the red-eye, I wanted to surprise you.

Surprise.

So, how was it?

It was great, actually. Good.

I met DMC. Run DMC.

What? Yeah. He's adopted, too.

He was telling me he spent his entire life in queens just a couple blocks away from his birth mother.

Never knew it. Wow.

And they were talking about fate and if he wasn't adopted, would he ever have been in run DMC? It was cool.

That's crazy. It's like you.

See? It's fate, babe.

Fate, god, whatever, I'm happy.

Oh, cougar breath. Okay.

A little role-play, no kissing. I like it.

I'm on my period, babe. That's okay. Okay.

I remember when we first started dating.

We'd have sex whether you were on your period or the house was burning down.

I'll be right back. Okay.


What the fuck is this? What is that?

"She told me she had a boyfriend the morning after."

Wait, what? Where did you get that?

Maybe if you didn't nag me to put the toilet seat up all the time... Let me see the string.

What? You have your period.

Let me see the string!

Look, Brady, I'm sorry.

I got really drunk, I didn't know what I was doing.

I'm sorry.

Well, happy fucking birthday to me.

What?

"Gremlins"? You want me to do a reboot of "gremlins"?

Okay, I tell you what.

I will do a remake of "gremlins," but this time can't it be a racist commentary against white people?

Yeah. Well, the original was just a racist movie about a bunch of troublemaking dark-skinned critters afraid of water, break dancing to rap music, staying up all night and eating fucking fried chicken.

Hello?

Fuck, dude.

How long do you think this has been going on for?

'Cause I replay it like... dude. Fuck her.

Come on. It's your birthday.

Let's get shit-canned. Do you have to work this weekend?

Yeah, I do, actually. I have to fucking take meetings for that lesbian action movie, "hurricane dykes."

All right, I should be fucking directing that.

Come on. Can't you get me a meeting Sy?

You can maybe get him a cup of coffee.

I thought you were my best friend. Wow.

I can't just get you a job, okay? That's not how it works.

No, it's fine. You'll see. One day I'm gonna have a project that's gonna blow your fuckin' mind...

But you'll just pass it up

'cause you're thinkin' about your fucking girlfriend.

Ex-girlfriend. What are you working on now?

Funny you should ask. 'Cause I've got the most amazing fucking story you've ever heard.

"Batshit," tale to the heart of darkness, classic black-hat villain, twists, turns, danger, drugs.

Unexpected love.

Sounds great, man. Sounds fucking great.

You guys ready to order?

I'd like the French toast, please and more coffee, whenever you get a chance. Thanks, man.

And for you? Yeah, eggs Florentine with the poached, and a bagel instead of the English.

Did you just get a bagel? Yes, I did.

I'm impressed. Wow.

If you caught your brother with his dick in a bagel hole when you were 11.

He likes lots of cream cheese. No cream cheese.

I don't think I can ever have cream cheese again.

But thanks. Thanks, man.

Oh, hey, look. Before I forget.

Happy birthday, buddy.

Wow!

You really broke out Bruce's black card for this, huh?

Look at it.

Tijuana?

Tijuana? What do you think, I'm half a fag?

Tijuana's for pussy tourists and college students.

You know what? I thought we could get a couple of wheelchairs and role-play "born on the fourth of July."

Dude, your girlfriend cheated on you.

So you've got no choice but to go to Mexico, find the dirtiest hotel room and fuck the grossest hooker we can find.

So no, I am not taking you to Tijuana.

I am taking you to the "real" Mexico.


Drug roulette? Drug roulette? No.

I don't want to play drug roulette, man. Come on.

Have you actually been to Mexicali before?

What's the danger level we're looking at here?

It isn't number one on the top ten most dangerous cities in Mexico.

Okay, look, would you stop worrying?

Please. Come on, dude, look. I've taken care of everything.

Does your dad know you have this?

Mm. Only way that soulless bastard shows affection.

Yeah, at least you got one to be disappointed in, man.

Didn't you find your real dad?

Granted, he's got a whole other family and doesn't give two shits about you but fucking look at you, man.

You are one step away from the most powerful guy in Hollywood.

Who, by the way, treats you more like a son than my dad does me.

What's the yellow one? Is that Adderall or Propecia?

Okay. That's like the tenth fucking time you've checked that phone in the past five minutes.

Do you want me to turn around? No.

No, no, no, no. Fuck that bitch, right? Fuck her.

That's right. Yeah. Fuck that whore, dude.

What happened to that one chick?

That hot Asian girl from the "green inferno" party?

She had a penis. Oh, right, she did.

She was hot, too. Too bad.

Too bad. She had a penis.

Yeah, I'll tell ya, I'd rather date a Tranny than date one of those giant muscle chicks.

Did you ever see that porno with that Chyna wrestler?

No, man.

Her clit was so fucking huge, it was like a bloated, boiled cashew.

Gross, man. I changed my mine. I want to turn around.

We're gonna turn this around.

Just forget about Janie. Okay? Forget about her.

These next three days are about you. We're gonna get fucked up, we're gonna drink some fucking Tequila...

We're gonna do some drugs, we're gonna fuck some Mexican hookers.

And have my kidneys... Oh, shit!

What the fuck?

Now that's a fuckin' serendipitous moment if I ever did fuckin' see one.

Jesus Christ, dude, pull over. Pull over, wipe it off.

No, no, no, no, no. It's good to drive into Mexico looking gangster. Leave that fucking shit.


Fuck, man! Why are you walking so fast?

Let's get something to eat before we get banged up.

I'm not eating there, though, bro.

Don't you ever watch Anthony Bourdain?

These are the best places to eat. Street food.

Food of the people. Right, hombre?

And in like 20 minutes, I'm doing my best Jackson pollock in my pants.

Hey, where I come from... If you can voluntarily shit your pants on your birthday, it's one to remember.

That's gross. Okay.

Look... I am sorry your girl fucked some other dude, I really am. But who knows? Maybe it was meant to be.

Maybe you were supposed to come with me to Mexico.

You might meet another girl. At least get your mind off her.

It's your birthday. Can't you forget this shit for one night and have some fun?

Okay. Fine. Fine, fine.

- Dos, uh, let's see um...

Thank you. Gracias. - Gracias.

You guys gotta be careful around here.

They'll feed you that tainted shit just to ruin your night.

Well, to what do we owe this?

Well, you guys are Americans, aren't you?

We have to look out for one another.

What gave it away?

He was gonna feed you the kidney meat of the last two American guys we saw here.

That's not...

Okay. Okay. All right. I'm kidding.

Lucia here spotted you.

Oh, a little Florence Henderson.

It's nightingale, cowboy.

Be careful here, boys. We can help you with tacos, but we can't help you with the Mexicali cartel.

You mix up with them, they fuck white boys like you for an appetizer.

Oh. You didn't say anything about the Mexicali cartel, man.

Dude, this isn't Tijuana.

Don't worry, you'll be fine.

Just don't be flashing your cash around in bars.

You'll end up with a sack over your head and a trip to see El gato Enfermo.

Where's El gato Enfermo?

Oh, not where. Who.

He runs this town. And his specialty is kidnapping rich, white American boys whose fathers will gladly pay quickly.

Well, I'm an orphan, so...

And my dad's gay and homeless.

I hear that's hereditary. So you'll be sleeping on the streets and sucking dick in no time.

Lucia. So, El gato, what's that mean?

- El gato Enfermo, the sick cat.

And how does one get such an endearing nickname?

Well, his father was the most feared man in all of Mexico.

He used to cut off the pubic hair of everyone he killed.

Just as a souvenir. And keep it around the house.

When El gato was a little boy, he saw his brother get murdered right in front of his eyes.

When they found El gato afterwards, they say he was curled up in a ball, covered in his brother's blood, coughing up pubic hair fur balls. The sick cat.

Wow. That is quite the fairy tale.

But we're not wealthy so there's nothing to worry about.

Well, see you later. Whoa, come on.

What do you say? Two guys, two girls?

Last time I checked that's...

Unless you guys are, you know...

Okay, come on. Wouldn't it be nice to go out with some guys who can cook you dinner without having to steal the chicken first?

You're an asshole.

Don't worry about her. She's but I guess I should go meet up with her, so maybe I'll see you guys later.

Well, hold on, look, let me get your number.

Maybe we can hang out, even if it's not here, but you know, eventually.

It's not gonna work here, babe.

Call me when you're in the U.S.?

I wanna see you before that.

Hey, hombre, how do you say "desperate" in Spanish?

Zona Norte. That's where we'll be.

Maybe I'll see you? I hope so.

Tonight's my birthday. Oh.

Happy birthday!

Uppers, downers, black beauties, chemicals, Anthrax. Did he just say Anthrax?

Howdy, boys.

They call me texican.

And I can get you guys anything you want.

Oh. Okay. - ¿donde esta Zona Norte?

- "¿Donde esta Zona Norte?"

You gotta be kiddin' me. You guys lookin' for girls?

I can get you girls. What else you want?

Oh, no, man. I just want to know where Zona Norte is.

Come on, gringo. You wanna experience the real Mexico?

I'm your guy. I'll tell you what. Give me $500.

Oh, shit.

- ¿Que Paso?

Are you guys fucking robbing us?

You work for El Grando rancho?

Robbin'? No.

Protection? Yes.

This is El Caballo.

Give us $500 and we'll be your tour guides.

All-inclusive. I'm a walkin', talkin' resort of debauchery.

And I think you're talkin' about El gato Enfermo...

And I suggest you steer clear of him.

He's like the aborted offspring if jaws had raped Jeffrey Dahmer, then John Wayne Gacy dug it out of a dumpster, ate it and shit it out.

All right, well, we'll do our best.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Don't be slingin' that shit around here, tough guy.

El Gato's boys see that, it'll get bad, fast.

Hey, look, you guys wanna have some fun?

Steer clear of El gato.

And let us take you to the real Mexico.

What's the real Mexico?

You boys wanna go to a cockfight?

Whoo!

Pretty cool, huh? No. I hate chickens.

You and Herzog. Thought these things were just urban legend.

Hell no, man. This is the real Mexico! Mexico es magico!

Ain't that right, Caballo?

Some say Jesus would have been born here, but they couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.

Come on, man. Let's go back to Zona Norte, huh?

Come on, cowboy. Thought you guys wanted to have a night to remember? Seriously, Brady, it's your fucking birthday. Live a little.

It's your birthday? Shit. - Feliz Cumpleanos, man!

Texican here, he's gonna get you so Jodido, people are gonna mistake you for Stephen Hawking.

We can't do that, man. Okay? We're in Mexico.

All right, we're gonna get our fucking kidneys stolen.

Gentlemen, look, you have my word, Caballo here, you got no worries, that's his job.

358 to me, 142 to Caballo.

We do this shit all the time. He's fuckin' liquid around here.

Esta es mi hombre de la mierda!

15 years, me and Caballo, we come down here, meet tourists, take them out, they have the time of their life.

Go home safe and sound. I haven't lost a' one.

Look, I don't know you, man, okay? How can I trust you?

You got like a website or something?

Boom.

I'm as American as blue jeans, Budweiser and James motherfuckin' Cameron.

Caballo's my half-cousin. I come down here on weekends to meet guys like you, make money. It's a buyers' market.

You see that? We're fine.

This guy's a fucking government official!

It's 100% safe. Come on.

Come on.

Yeah!

Kill that fucking thing!

Bathroom, now!

Baño, thattaway. All-inclusive.

This just feels too easy, man.

I mean, the guy just appears out of nowhere with his giant freak of a sidekick he shows us some I.D., and then we go with him.

Dude, you saw his I.D., it's legit.

No. No, it looks like he made it at a los Kinkos.

Dude, look, do you remember that time I ended up in Compton smokin' crack in that hotel with that hooker with the giant bush and pancake tits, looked like she was straight out of national geographic?

Yeah. Right. Right?

People fuckin' love that story. This night has to top that.

Do you got that? That night, this night.

That night, this night. Okay? Stay focused.

This night. Come on, let's have fun.

Okay, you're good, you're good, you're good, you're good, you're good, you're good.

I'm not good. I'm not good.

Tommy. Tommy, hold on, man. Listen.

Hey, hey, look. It's your birthday.

I'm your best friend.

And I promise I won't let anything happen to you.

Okay?

All right. Yeah. So what now?

We don't have to clean up tamale wrappers or anything, do we?

Well, you guys want to get borracho correcto, right?

I don't know what that means, but yes.

Well, you came to see the right man. See that guy?

Kasape suka there?

Yeah. He's a famous Aztec shaman.

And he's gonna give you guys the night of your lives.

But can't do that 'til he's ready.

When's he gonna be ready?

Now.

This is so weird.

It's only weird if you make it weird, Kwasini.

Okay, gentlemen.

Door ♪1.

Door ♪2.

And door ♪3.

He's Wayne Brady, now. This ain't no

"let's make a motherfuckin' deal" here, pussy meat.

What is this? Like, peyote, mushrooms, what?

Wait! There ain't no fucking Alprazolam in these things, are there? I got a major fuckin' allergy to that shit.

I once took my mom's Xanax, shit my pants in a best buy and almost fuckin' died.

What?

- A mix of psilocybin, mdma, Coca leaves, a little fairy dust, mellow. Basically, if you're a pussy.

The finest psilocybins you can find, laced with just the right amount of opium, a touch of peyote, these are the Frank Zappas.

A mixture of a rare psychedelic menthol sap and fire ants. You'll probably puke or shit your pants.

These are the Jim Morrisons. That looks like a dried bat.

Ever take those?

I believe anything worth doing is worth overdoing.

Great, yeah. I'm gonna take number one.

What? Star child.

I was made for loving you, huh?

That is a bitch move.

Yeah, fuck it. Okay, yeah, fuck it.

We're gonna do number two. Dos Frank Zappas, Por favor.

- Quatro numero dos, Por favor.

No... four? Did you just order four?

I don't want four. I don't want four.

I want dos. I'm not gonna double dose, man.

Hey, hey. Nobody said we had to do this shit sober, did they?

What? What are those?

Those? Those are the G.G. Allins.

Nobody wants those.

What is that? What's so funny?


Go thou and fill another room in hell.


I can feel my teeth. Yeah, me too.

No, man, like I feel like they're vibrating.

I can feel my teeth are vibrating. They're vibrating.

You getting grabbed the wrong way?

You guys are okay, you know?

These are some good 'shrooms, though.

These are some good fuckin' 'shrooms, though.

You feel your teeth vibrate yet?

Yes. Yes. Is that bad? Is that good?

It's bad, I got cancer.

Nah, he's fucking with you, cowboy.

It's bad. It's bad.


Take some more. Eat up, cowboy.

Dude, I ain't you, man. I can handle my drugs.

You know, there ain't nothin' for a bad trip like buryin' your face in a pair of tits.

It's like goin' back to the place we once were.

I truly believe that.

I swear if I could, I'd crawl right up inside a vagina.

Take a nap.

It's fluffy in there.

Pillowy.

I like fluffy.

You look like you're gonna shit your pants, boy.

Have some Tequila.

Excuse me?

...accident with that orange county lumber truck.

Excuse me?

Can I have some...

What the fuck are you doin', pigfucker?

I can see it in your eyes, you're scared.

You see, the devil, he's riding your bumper.

Unless you speed up, he's liable to take the lead.

And trust me, young buck, you don't want that.

But why would he be coming after you?

He only goes after bad people.

And if he's down there punishing all them bad people, doesn't that make him the good guy?

You need to take a couple steps back from the ledge, cocksauce.

I got something for you.

What is that? Drink it. It'll help.

How do I know it'll help?

Just drink it and shut the fuck up.

What's that?

Argh...!

Trust me, Crisco, you want to drink it.

I don't... ah...

Caballo, are you okay?

What's the matter? Are you all right?

Are you puking? Are you pooping? Ugh!

Both, amigo.

Crisco! Drink it! I'll drink it. I'll drink it.

Shit! We gotta get outta here!

Get out, get out!

Oh, fuck, man!

You're supposed to be watching us!

Holy shit! Chick with a dick!

Only weird if you make it weird.

Oh, shit. Oh, fuck.

You're laughing. Why are you laughing?

I just saw a guy get his throat cut.

Come on. Think about it. Is that really what you saw?

'Cause I don't know about you, but I saw her pouring fucking grand Marnier down his neck.

Really?

Yes. Dude, it's okay, take a deep breath.

You're just freakin' out. You're good. It's all good.

Man, we gotta get outta Mexico. Okay?

I've seen this movie before. It doesn't end well.

Yeah, well, I've also seen the movie where the guy gets the girl.

You guys look like shit.

Wanna party at our hotel?

I'm sorry, should we get another room?

Hell, no. Group stuff gets me off.

Let's make this shit freaky.

I'm not gonna do any gay shit with that kid, though.

I'm just throwing that out there now.

Bro, come on. Like it'd be any different than that time we went to Vegas. That was one time, that was with my t-ball coach and it's because I really, really wanted to pitch.

You guys are fucked up. That's my balloon.

Oh, what, this? Yeah.

Your balloon? Yeah, I really...

Don't, don't... okay.

Okay, all right. I can deal with this.

All right...

We're gonna play a little game called "horse."

All right, look, I'm down for some kinky shit but I do cross the line at animals.

No, like basketball. H-o-r-s-e. Like this.

You're up, hooker.

Hey, what the fuck is that?

I think they used to make webcam shows in here.

Don't worry, it's broken.

Oh, you bad girl. Okay, how 'about this?

Oh, okay, now we're getting somewhere.

Well, it is Brady's birthday.

We have to do something exciting.

Please don't get an h, please don't get an h, please don't get an h.

Oh, this is the best game of all time. I love this game.

Yes, actually, I do have a suggestion.

Before you get to o-r-s-e, why not just get right to the b and the j?

All good things, baby.

Now I want you to stick your tongue up his ass.

What? No, I'm not doing that.

Well, I guess you're gonna get your h then.

Do it. Do it. Wait.

Fine. Fine?

Fine. Fine.

Fine. All right.

...your pants off. Jesus.

I can't, I can't. I'm so sorry. It's okay.

I can't. I really like you, but not on the first date.

It's totally okay, believe me. Okay, how about this?

Ow! What the fuck was that?

Oh, shit!

That was a little too Mapplethorpe for me.

Shut the fuck up, it's part of the game. Katie, hit him.

No, Luc, I just think... Hit him!

Ow. No, no, no, no. Like this.

Oh! Oh, fuck!

Okay, what the fuck is this, guys?

Come on, let us out of here already.

You're not going anywhere, stud.

Oh, yeah, no. I don't need this shit, it's my birthday.

Exactly. And the party's just getting started.

Now it's time to insert something.

No. Nope, fuck that.

Katie, I know you're not getting your O on this one.

Ah!


Tommy? Tommy!

Oh, shit.

What the fuck? I can't breathe.

Wait. Wait a minute. Why are you doing this?

You'll find out soon enough.

You fucking bitch! Where's Katie?

Katie! Katie! Katie! That's not her real name.

What the fuck does it matter? I can't breathe.

I'm allergic to most sedatives. Please...

Jesus Christ, that wasn't part of the deal.

There's no way both of you are allergic.

I think I'll take my chances. No, no!


Well, I guess he got what he paid for.

What the hell are we supposed to do with him?!

We'll let his guys handle it.

God. Okay.

Help! Help!

Shh, shh, shh.

Look, you can make this easy on yourself.

Just be quiet, and I won't fucking shoot you, okay?

It's simple.

Listen to me. If I'm not here, listen to Katie.

And everything will be okay.


It's okay. Just don't do anything stupid.

Help!


- Our top story tonight, rumors swirling around that the head of the most dangerous cartel in Mexicali, Adan Algonto Verde, has possibly kidnapped more American tourists in the hopes of obtaining ransom.

No word from the streets as to who these people are...


Hey, homey!

Come on, flip over.

I did 15 years in jail, Puto.

Sometimes I miss it.

You know why?


Now if you scream, I'll give you another shot and I don't want to have to do that.

Even though the doctor said I could.

You might wanna have a little bit of fun so don't scream, okay?

That's hot.

Why are you guys doing this? What do you want?

And where's Tommy?

He looked so fucked up.

I saw them take him out last night.

I just... I'm begging you.

Begging me to what? Let you go?

Yes! Yes! No, I don't fucking know!

Just stop playing this song and stop blowing smoke in my face and just take these fucking socks off of me!

Look who's a lot tougher when he's scared.

Where's Tommy?

When I get sad, I tend to get angry.

And when I'm angry, I do mean things.

Now let's get those socks off.

Katie!

Oh, keep doing that.

Hey, it's him.

Hello?

What? Nothing.

He was asking about his friend.

He's fine. I mean, the doctor was here, he said the drugs haven't affected him and we can use as much as we need if he gets rambunctious.

The worst it can do is give him a headache.

You know I won't.

What did he say?

If the money isn't here in 48 hours, he'll be here just in case.

Well, that's great, right?

Whatever we can do not to piss him off.

Have you ever heard the story about how he became who he is?

I mean, how he took over and everything?

Parts of it, yeah.

Why? You?

His father was the most feared man in Mexico, the famous Esquelletto Fernandez.

The third son of a third son. And the oldest was set to take over, but something was eating Esquelletto.

He had a sinking feeling his eldest, his heir, was gay.

And for an old-school Mexican kingpin, a no bueno.

So, to prove it, he built this torture chair, where a string was tied to the trigger of a gun all the way... hey! Who are you talking about? Huh? Where's Tommy?

Drink this. No. What the fuck is that?

Sweetie, we can't have you having a number two while we're here. Then what? I shit my pants?

No, the idea is that you don't do that at all.

I have to go check on something.

Can't leave that there.


I can't stand that song.

Hey, Katie?

I guess that's not your real name, right?

What is your real name?

Come on, I thought we had something.

You telling me all of it was an act?

All of it? The taco stand and coming here with me?

I mean, come on.

Fine, if you don't want to talk to me, just please don't put that song back on.


Let me guess, you'd rather hear... Eminem.

Rap? No.

Especially not some white guy acting black.

Okay, let me guess again.

You love led zeppelin and the rolling stones.

Give me a skinny English white guy on drugs and I'm set.

But I thought you said you didn't like white guys acting black.

Acting black.

Are you kidding?

Zeppelin and the stones, they literally ripped off everything the old blues legends ever made. Verbatim!

I mean, the two most popular rock bands in the history of music are the biggest wiggers of all.

Hey, Katie. Katie, come on.

I know you're not like this, okay?

You're better than this, I know.

You don't know me. At all.

What are you doin' with Lucia?

You can help me. Please, just help me.

Nobody turns their back on El gato.

El gato? Is that who that is?

You told me he kidnaps kids with rich parents. I'm adopted.

My mom has nothing! I just met my dad for the first time a couple years ago! He hates me!

What?

Brady, what are you saying?

I thought your dad was loaded. No.

What the fuck are you doing? What?

Lucia! Lucia! Stop, stop!

Katie, get out of here! Look, we are in deep this.

We have to get this guy's dad to cough up with the money, and fast. The other guy, Tommy...

Yeah?

They left him in the dumpster. He's dead.

What? What did you just say?

You fucking killed Tommy?

You fucking bitch! You fucking bitch!


Where's Katie? Oh, please stop with that.

What, are you two havin' a fucking love affair?

Why am I naked?

Fuck.

Stop!!

Oh, shit.

The more we do this, the faster your dad will cough up the money.

My dad... I don't know my dad, I keep telling you.

I don't know my dad, he's not... stop, stop, stop.

Whoa! Oh! Oh! What the fuck!

You're crazier than a shithouse rat. Do you know that?

You're like the fucking pretzel in the party mix.

Do you know that?

Shut up! Shut up! Boring!

All you had to do is stay here and watch him, not torture him with fucking chickens nipping at his balls!

Did you talk to gato? Yes. We're fucked.

What does that mean? What's the story?

The story is that you fucked up major!

It was the other guy we needed! Tommy.

He's the one with the rich dad. And now he's dead.

He doesn't have any parents. He's a fucking orphan!

So what do we do? Do we just kill him?

El Gato's gonna decide.

Do you want to hear the rest of the gato story?

Katie, don't go!

So the string tied to the trigger, it's like run down to this system of pulleys and at the other end, it's tied to his dick.

Katie!!! The sick fuck.

Then rolls in a TV and puts on gay porn, hoping his son gets an erection which then pulls the string attached to the trigger via the pulleys, so he shoots himself with his own penis.

So gato...

Was just hiding behind bags of matter.

And bam!

The gun went off.


You're not gonna spit on me again.

How long are we gonna do this for?

I get it now. You guys fucked up.

You wanted Tommy. You took me. You fucked up.

I get it.

You guys are fucked up. Why don't you just let me go?

Give me like a five minute head start. You can chase me.

It's tempting.

Come on, with those long praying mantis legs of yours, you'd love it.

Yeah, but you get five miles into the desert and at night it's so cold, you'd freeze to death.

You remind me of the girls I used to meet in foster care.

Where was your foster home?

New Bedford, Massachusetts.

I tell you what, I tell you my worst resident story, you tell me yours.

What makes you think I was in a foster home?

Takes one to know one.

My friend, Wilma, was from Puerto Rico.

We were inseparable when we were like 12.

You still talk to Wilma?

Wilma's dead.

I'd say I'm sorry, but I'm not.

How? Wilma was really William.

William and his brother, Phillip.

Identical. When Willy was eight months old, his parents decided that he and Philly should be circumcised.

Problem was, in Puerto Rico, they used cauterization and the doctor fucked up. And instead of fixing it, he convinced his parents to raise him as Wilma.

At around 12, Willy started getting urges.

Girls, fighting, pee standing up.

But the problem was, Willy was raised as Wilma, and Wilma didn't have a Willy.

Enough small talk.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, hold on.

Let me help you. I want to help you.

Okay, I want to get out of here.

You guys obviously want to get paid.

You know who I work for?

My boss is Sy Ginsburg. You know who that is?

He's like one of Hollywood's biggest producers.

He's a fucking millionaire.

You know, some of the times the guys' families don't pay and the cartel comes and just kills the poor sons of bitches.

I think people just don't respect Mexicans.

They feel like they're less civilized than whites.

And that really pisses them off.

If El gato shows up here, well, then you know it's all gone wrong.

All right, enough chit chat.

No, no, wait, wait, hold on, hold on, hold on.

You told me your resident story, let me tell you mine.

It's worse.

Bullshit. Mnh-mnh.

There was this kid, and they had him in one of those...

You know those fuckin' padded timeout rooms?

They had him in there for so long they thought he was gonna kill himself.

So they like took all of his clothes, his shoelaces, everything. They kept him in there for months, just nude.

But he was so determined.

He pulled out his big toenail, sharpened it on the floor, used it to slit his wrist.

Jesus, that kid's got determination.

That kid... was me.


Okay, okay.

Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.

Yes. Okay. Come on. Come on.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no. No!

Okay, okay, okay.


You get five miles into the desert and at night it's so cold, you'd freeze to death.

Wait, stop, stop, stop! How ya doin'? How ya doin'?

Uh, uh, uh... ¿Estados unido? Unido estado!

Please, please, stop, stop!

It's Estados Unidos, brother.

I need to get outta here. Help me, please?

Don't mind my friend, but get in, motherfucker.

Don't worry about him.

I need to get outta here. Help me, please.

What do you mean, outta here? We're locked in for hundreds of miles. I can get you to a phone, yeah?

Yeah, yeah, that's fine. Just fuckin' drive, man.

I like your fuckin' underwear there, toots. Don't I know you?

Yeah, yeah, from the cockfight and the... the strip club.

In the prime of his years, he married Gargamel, daughter of the king of the butterflies.

A fine, good-looking piece of machine.

And the pair of them often played the two-backed beast, joyfully rubbing their bacon together.

All right, puss n boots, where you coming from really?

These... fucking girls, man, they kidnapped me, they took... thumbtacks and-and-and-and...

And fuckin' they played this music, man!

I need to get to the border. Just drive, okay? Please.

Ahem!

Aside from the kinky shit, what do you do?

I work for a movie producer. Movies?

Ah, Lala never allowed them on the reservation.

He said they're all just racist propaganda films, you know?

I mean, look at "star wars."

Pious white people fighting this evil black guy?

Have you ever really looked at Darth Vader?

I mean, side shot, profile.

He looks like a big, black dick, doesn't he?

I mean, what's that supposed to mean?

I think he was supposed to look like a samurai.

Hidden meanings, Kwasini. Right, yeah. Whatever, man.

And what about "the avengers"?

Not one black guy in the group.

Nick fury is black. He wasn't in the comics.

They made him black, so none of the black folks could complain.

They can't say, "hey, there's no black heroes," because the white people go, "well, yeah, look.

The leader's black, so it's okay."

I mean, look at "rocky." You got this white guy, he's a workin' man...

You know, and here comes this black guy, dressed like George Washington, and he's taking over...

The cherished symbols of white America.

And rocky, this white fucking loser, beats the black guy and saves his image of America.

White America at that.

And look at "rocky III." Now he's rich, he's the flashy one, and here comes another black guy.

This one from the ghetto. I mean, this guy's really angry.

He's gonna fuck rocky's wife, I know it. But no!

The rich, flashy white guy still beat the black guy.

What about "gremlins"? - Could you just give me one second, please?

Okay? My buddy is dead.

I've been in a room for fucking days! What?

And if I don't get to the border, some asshole named El gato Enfermo is gonna kill me! And what the fuck is that?!

Ah! El gato?

That's one pussy you don't want after you, that's for sure.

Lookit, go down this road one mile.

There's an office there.

There's your phone.

Out.

This is so fucked!

Fuck!

Hey, man! Hey!

If I took your brain and put it in a gnat's asshole, it would look like a baby in a cardboard box.

Take some advice.

Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive, well-preserved body, but rather to slide in sideways, whiskey in one hand, pistol in another, boot up your worst enemy's ass, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, fucked up and screaming, "whoo-hoo!

What a ride, motherfucker."

What?!

Oh, Jesus.


Hello? Hello?

Hello? Hello?

Uh... ¿donde esta inglés? Can you help me, please?

Can you help me? - I don't know, can I help you?

My name is Brady Baxter. I-I'm stranded here.

I need you to call the police. La policia. Please.

Where are you, sir? Uh...


Wait.

Okay, she will take a shower first thing, and that's the only time you can do it.

Otherwise she has orders to shoot you in the knee, and she will. So just... wait.


Hello?

I can't hear you.

- Who is this? I got it. Hang up.

- Hello, stinky pants.

See ya later, penis.


Fuck! Bitch! Fucking bitch. Fuck.

Your boss won't come up with the money.

I never finished that story about why he's so unforgiving.

That day he saw his older brother wrap his toe around the string and pull the trigger because he couldn't stand the mental torture anymore.

So little gato grabbed the .45 and shot his father in the face.

It was that day, that one decision, it made him who he was.

And ever since that day, all of Mexico has been scared to death of El gato Enfermo.

And he's coming here. He's coming here to kill you.

Okay. Now's your chance.

Here's your chance, okay?

Just give me two minutes to take the car.

I'm so sorry.

I'm really sorry about all of this.

It wasn't supposed to be you.

Fuck!


Hello, Mr. Baxter.

You're... him.

I... I know who you are, I know who you are.

- Cállate.

I understand you make movies.

I love American movies.

Real cinema.

Paul Thomas Anderson...

He's my favorite.

You know him?

There is a fabric he weaves, it's... very dear to me.

Very complex and sometimes...

Fragile...

Father-son relationship.

John c. Reilly, Philip Baker hall in "Sydney."

Mark Wahlberg and Burt Reynolds in "boogie nights."

"There will be blood."

Daniel day Lewis.

And that fucking deaf kid.

All great things...

Were done by boys...

...who just wanted to impress dad.

All the tallest buildings, created by men...

Trying to show their dad their big dicks.

I think if women ran the world...

All the big structures...

Would not be giant buildings in the sky, but lush, warm tunnels...

...buried deep in the ground.

That's amazing, no?

It's easy money, preying on men who are guilty of not raising their sons.

Millions of ignored sons...

Raised by nannies.

I have kidnapped now, well...

...maybe over 50 American young men.

All whose fathers had money.

These guys were too busy fucking secretaries.

Building wine cellars and looking at the "robb report" to play catch with their sons.

So when they see the biggest mistakes in their life smack them in the face, they don't hesitate to...

That's not me.

Your girls screwed up.

I'm an orphan.

But I told them...

Call my boss.

Right? Call my boss. He's got money, he'll pay you.

I spoke to him.

Mega-producer Sy Ginsburg.

He told me that...

I could go fuck myself.

And that he was having a hard time understanding me.

"Do you speak español?"

He said the only thing he needed to say in Spanish was, "put the leaves over there."

What kind of person are you?

Since I was very small...

I punish the bad guys.

If I punish the bad guys, then I am the good guy, no?

Such a big heart.

And talented.

Shame to see it go to waste.

Look at me.

Excuse me.

Yes, hello?

I'm actually in the middle of something.

So can you call me back?

Yes, please.

My grandson.

He's in preschool.

He stabbed someone again.

So could you please excuse me?

Sure.

I love American movies.


Where'd El jefe go?

He got a phone call. His grandson.

If it's his third grandson, he's not coming back.

I guess I'm gonna be the last person you ever see.

You know, I hear that men after death stay hard for hours.

You think that's true?

I've got something hard for you.

Whoa. I'm sorry, Brady, I'm sorry.

Brady, look, I'm sorry. It was just for the money.

You've gotta understand. Katie really, really likes you.

It's all gonna be fine. Don't!

That wasn't supposed to be... loaded.


Hello?

What? Brady?

Tommy! You're okay, you're alive!

Of course I'm a-fuckin-live!

It was a joke, dude! The whole fuckin' thing!

Well, except for the, you know, the mushrooms and the bar.

That was real.

How about the fuckin' cowboy tea-bagging that Tranny?

"It's only fucking weird if you make it weird."

It was a setup! The girls, I paid them.

It was a birthday prank!

That's why they never really hurt you.

And those shots were fucking Thorazine!

Did Lucia crack and tell you about the whole thing?

Is she there? Let me talk to her.

Yo. Hello?

Holy shit.

Holy shit, what the fuck did you do?

What did I do?

What did you do?

Tommy, do you have any idea what you put me through?

Th-this was a prank, dude. All of it.

This girl's a fucking actress!

This wasn't supposed to happen! Ah!

A prank, Tommy?!

Is this your idea of a birthday present?!

A prank where I end up killing a girl?!

No, no! The fucking ending is supposed to be Katie coming through the door with a fucking birthday cake, dude!

I was planning this for fucking months!

That gun wasn't supposed to be fucking loaded!

Oh, fuck! Shit! That's the chicken gun that had the fuckin' bullets in it. Oh, my god.

I was trying to fucking show you I could tell a great story so you can get me a meeting with your boss.

You could've just sent me a script, Tommy!

Oh, fuck. We're so fucked.

Wait, wait. We? What do you mean, we, man?

You fuckin' shot her.

What did you just say? What?

You fuckin' shot her, man. The prank was up.

She was untying you when El gato left.

This is your fault. This is your fault.

This is your fault! All right!

I thought you were dead! Okay! It's my fault, too.

I'm sorry. Just please stop hitting me. Just calm down.

Don't tell me to calm down! I just fucking killed a girl because of you!

At least we're not in the fucking states. Right?

Um...

Fuck, what about that, the cowboy?

Texican?

You know, we can call him. Maybe he can help us.

He works for the government. He's fucking Mexican, okay?!

They all do dirty shit for money!

Just listen, I have a plan. It's simple, all right?

We don't tell him this was a prank gone wrong, right?

We tell him exactly as it happened.

They kidnapped us, they tortured us.

I... went to the fucking hospital or something, okay?

You've been here for three fucking days.

Sell this shit, okay? You can act.

You're always saying it's fucking easy, so act.

You're fucking filthy. Take a shower, okay?

I'll come up with a story.

Make sure you work out the ending this time.


Mr. Brady, you fucked up good, huh?

It's these girls. They... they...

They fucking tortured me. I had no choice.

Tortured you? With what?

With thumbtacks and needles and fucking music.

Music? Es creed, huh? Nickelback?

They drugged us, okay? Tommy, tell them.

They drugged us both. They did. I had a reaction.

It was a bad fuckin' scene. Can you help us or not?

Gentlemen, listen, this is all good and fun...

But you have no physical scars.

No marks of torture.

Your trip to the hospital, Mr. Tommy, that could be the four of you havin' fun with drugs.

This right here...

This right here is not good.

What'd I tell you? Why did we call him?

Well, now, wait a minute, Mr. Brady. I can still help you.

I'm a man...

Who knows many people and places.

Ain't that right, Caballo? Mm-hmm.

There's only one problem.

What's that?

Sooner or later, that other girl's gonna come back.

What do you plan on doing?

Her friend...

Is dead.

It's always the friend, hombres. Always.

You find that one girl...

But it's her friend who cockblocks you.

All right, I'll tell you what we're gonna do.

I'm just gonna wait here, right? And when she comes back, I'm gonna talk to her rationally.

You're gonna talk to her?

You're gonna charm this girl into forgetting you just killed her fucking friend?

It was in self-defense. Ever hear of Mexican karate?

No.

Well, there ain't no such thing as self-defense in this motherfuckin' country.

Then I'm gonna get out of this country. She doesn't know who I am.

Bullshit, dude. She doesn't know your full name, but she knows who you work for, and using Facebook, it's not gonna be hard to fuckin' find you.

If you hadn't decided to Michael Douglas me, none of this would've happened. Hey, hey!

This is what we're gonna do.

Well, what you boys are gonna do.

You're gonna clean up that blood, you're gonna put the girl in the blankets, take her out to my pickup.

Fortunately, in this hotel, someone carrying out a body in sheets... is normal.

Good shit, boys.

Yeah, I love this song! What...

Hi.

I'm not gonna tell anybody!

Tommy! Brady!

My beaner brethren would kill to see this fuckin' role-reversal, huh?

I'm sorry, man.

I can't believe this.

I had it planned perfectly.

As Lucia was coming out of the shower, she was gonna tell you about the prank.

She was even planning on you kicking her ass, y'know?

She's good like that.

It's the gun. The fucking gun.

It was not supposed to be loaded.

It was the chicken gun that fuckin' Katie used.

Just don't worry about it, okay? It'll work out.

Thanks. That's really, really assuring, man.

Because I only just fucking killed a girl!

What the fuck is that?

Well, guys, that is the rocket.

This is so fucked up.

This is so fucked up.

What the hell is this? What the fuck is this?

What the fuck's the goat for? What is this?

Texican, tell us what the fuck's going on?

What the hell is this, man?

- Es bueno, boss.

What the hell you gonna do? Slingshot her over the wall?!

Sí. Are you fuckin' crazy?

Your gringo friend here is the one who shot that puto whore, huh?

So don't get mad at me! Okay, enough of your shit.

Look, we leave this girl here, the vultures are liable to get her.

But this area is patrolled.

So if the Federales find this girl, there's a slight chance it could get back to you.

Mexicans care more about a dead American girl than the Americans give a shit about a dead Mexican girl.

So we shoot her over the fence, U.S. border patrol finds her, they think another dead beaner.

They don't give a shit. It's a good plan.

That's a fucking good plan?

Jesus fucking Christ.

We gonna say something at least, first?

Have at it, boys.

It's okay, all right...

I'll say something.

Lord, uh...

Forgive this girl for the path she chose.

Forgive her for the line of work she got into, and for what she did to Brady and myself.

But, you know, uh, deep down, um, you know, fuck her, man.

Hey, man!

What are we gonna do about Katie?

What about her? What about her?

She's in the back of a fucking truck.

We're gonna let her go, right?

Well... unfortunately, sometimes with jobs, there's gonna be collateral damage.

Now, this girl, she knows everything about you guys.

Wha...? I'm sorry, Mr. Brady.

But you, you're gonna have to kill her too.

No.

No. Fuck you. No.

Katie, listen to me. They wanna kill you.

No! I don't have a choice.

But I know that you know that this was an accident.

I didn't want any of this to happen!

And I'm sorry, okay? I'm so fucking sorry.

Brady? Brady, I promise... I don't care about Lucia, okay?

Tommy paid us and everything went wrong! Yeah.

I know you didn't wanna shoot her!

Fuck!

I'm sorry! What the fuck?!

I'm sorry, okay?! I'm sorry, dude!

I couldn't fucking chance it!

It's all my fault and I couldn't!

I couldn't chance it, dude! What's the matter with you?!

Now we're even! She was innocent!

She was part of your prank!

You shot a girl too! Oh, my god!

I couldn't live with the fact this was all my fucking fault!

Jesus, Tommy! Fuck! Now we're even!

Even conscience, okay? I'm sorry.

I wanted you to have a birthday to remember, man.

Just not like this.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, god, I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, jeez.

Tommy!

Tommy! Guys! Tommy! Guys!

I'm so sorry. Oh, god, please.

I didn't want any of this to happen.

Jeez. Oh, god.

You're just a fucking soulless movie producer.

Tommy! Oh, god, please.

Oh, god, I'm sorry.

You know what? I have one last question.

Ever seen one of these?

Jesus Christ!

Happy birthday, buddy!

Ha-ha! Oh, come on!

You couldn't figure it out?

They really did anything to you. Think about it.

The needle in the toe. I mean, the phone rings, and then the fake news footage and El gato Enfermo.

That guy's a fucking famous Mexican soap actor.

This was a prank, Tommy? All of it?

Lucia? You, too? Jesus!

You set this all up?!

Funny you should ask, 'cause I've got the most amazing fucking story you've ever heard.

"Batshit," tale to the heart of darkness, classic black-hat villain, twists, turns, danger, drugs.

Unexpected love.

Even Janie?

Um... no, uh...

That... that was real, unfortunately.

But the rest, yes!

"I love movies.

Do you think if women ruled the world, the big buildings would be tunnels in the ground?"

Happy birthday.

Come on, it was fucking brilliant.

Brilliant.


Okay, gringo, that is a wrap.

Yes, it is. "Page 92.

Brady pleads with Katie to save her life.

Tommy shoots three blanks, killing her."

Are you shitting me with this?

Thank you guys so much. That was a good one.

You guys were great. It was a hefty bill.

We convincing enough for ya?

I'd say. You had your balls in a tranny's mouth.

All-inclusive.

Hi. Hi.

So this is it.

I'd be crazy to see you again.

You know that, right?

Yeah.

But I will.

Oh, my god, that's so awkward.

Happy birthday.

Okay, boys, rock'n'roll.

Gotta hand it to you, man.

This is the most fucked-up, brilliant birthday present I've ever gotten.

Your birthday's in August, right?

"She told me she had a boyfriend the morning after?"

Hear the fan?

Cut.

He was eating his gato.

What?

I love you.

Cut.

Is there, like, any chance I'm there?

It's a little... There you go.

His hat!

Oh, my god.

Ooh... boy bands.

One direction.

I'd fuck that one guy.

- Ay caramba.

Okay, well, it's not just your party, it's your birthday, but shit, fuck.

We wanna all hang out and have a good time too.

Fuckin' motherfucker.

Well, this is the end, Corsini. No. Kwasini.

Cro-croissant. This is the end, croissant.

L'addition, s'il vous plaît! All right, here we go.


So, man, what you been up to? You still writin' songs?

Uh, well, no, actually.

You see, all the great songs have already been written by guys with wigs and stuff.

So what brings you to Mexicali?

You just tryin' to get away?

We're actually talkin' about movin' back to Montana soon.

Gonna be a dental-floss tycoon. Right, man?