Happy, Texas (1999) Script

Hey, why did the armadillo cross the road? Why?

It didn't. See?

Can't someone else be on bag for a while?

Excuse me. You want to be the bag guy?

Did I say you could speak to me? Oh, sorry.

When you move up to committin' real crimes, then you can speak to the men.

Put it in the bag. Hey, are you going to just stand there like some coward... and let him talk to you like that?

Hey, goat boy, the same goes for you!

Now, you two damn amateurs stay in your own yard... or else I'll chain you there.

"Goat boy"!

Oh, you gonna get you some now, boy.

Well, then, the light is green.

Soon as we get you boys back to lockup, it's gonna mean a week in the hole... for each of you.

Goat boy, you fight like a girl.

No, no, no!

Knock it off, goddamn it!


Hey, hey, hey, hey! Where ya goin'?

Hey, if we're escapin' here, give us the keys!

We don't need keys! I don't even know him.

This ain't adios. It's just good-bye.

We gotta get out of here.

Hey, I don't even know who you are.

Harry Sawyer.

Wayne Wayne Wayne, Jr.

Hi. Hi.


Now we have three... count my fingers... three runners.

First, a man who likes to steal cars.

Wayne Wayne Wayne, Jr.

Next, Harry Sawyer.

Fraud, credit card scams.

Finally, the reason why we're all here today, boys and girls.

Bob Maslow.

Oh, my Lord! Bob Maslow is a bad man.

Let's get the guy before he kills somebody else.

Get anything, but it has to be nonfat.

This is nonfat. Don't worry about it.

What about this? You know, we don't owe these people a damn thing.

I know, I know. I'm not happy either, David.

Peas or corn? Peas.

If I have to listen to one more of those little monsters butcher "Tomorrow,"

I may end up doing somethin' very violent.

That is exactly what I am talking about. Now, I say we dump Happy.

Well, we can't dump Happy. That reminds me. We need some toilet paper.

No, not that. The other one. It's softer. Okay, stop snapping at me.

I'm on your side. I'm not the enemy. Listen to me for a second.

Let's just junk that crappy apartment on wheels... I want this.

And quit this whole stupid business.

I want a real life again. You know, a little fun.

You remember that word "fun"? Yes, I do remember fun.

I want our old life back. You need to get a new attitude, is what you need.

I think that she may have overcharged us on something. She did not.

If you would have brought the coupons, No, some of this stuff is not right.

Maybe we could have saved some money.

Oh, my God!

David, somebody stole our crappy camper. It's gone.

We gotta call the police. Listen to me.

Steven, if we call the police, we'll just get it back.

What? But if we wait a couple of weeks, call the insurance company, we can cash in on the modern American dream.

Yes! Yes.

Can we go to Maui? Yes!

Trust me. It's perfection.

There's dual tanks on this baby.

Even on back roads it's more than enough.

Let's get out of Texas. Go, daddy, go!

A prison break today... at the Jim Hogg County Correctional Facility... has brought out law enforcement agencies in four states.

The three fugitives, including convicted murderer Robert Alan Maslow, escaped from their prison van while being transported to the facility.

Authorities are advising motorists... not to pick up hitchhikers and to use caution at all rest stops.

State prisons are leakin' like a macrame diaphragm.

Texas' finest are in full manhunt mode. "Sheet." "Manhunt mode."

Sounds like a full weekend for you and your pals. Oh, you!

Hey, you folks keep an eye out for three orange jumpsuits, at least until the marshal gets those "fellers" back in the pokey.

Hey, comin' up next: Another Hollywood actor's in rehab, and the state's largest tomato gets auctioned off for charity.

Well, I guess we'd better turn around.

So what you're saying is north is there, right?

Well, a little bit... Yep. Yep.

Unless I turn the map this way.

That is so much better!

Come on.

Yeah, I almost got it. Come on.

I almost got it. It's the cops.

It's the cops. Come on! Pop?

Let's get out of here. Pop who?

Shit.

Hi. It must be my lucky day.

A lot of folks lookin' for you.

Oh, my.

Yeah, we're on our way in, but you'd better get your tow truck out there. Over.

Oh, no. I've heard about this before. Vigilante justice.

We're screwed. They're gonna hang us.

No, they aren't. Yeah, they are.

Shut up. Oh, my God.

Okay, sell me.

W-Why, you want me to speak?

All we want to know is if you were offered one instead of two, would you take it?

We could do one easy.

I know this is not what you're expecting, but I've always found these things to be negotiable.

You want to negotiate? Now, hold on.

If it's all the same with you, judge, we'd rather get less. Much less.

Now we're getting somewhere. Now, stop right there.

I didn't bring 'em in so you could give 'em less than minimum.

These fellows are professionals. They should get what they deserve.

Damn cop. We'll take one, Your Honor.

Sold American. Let the record show that they've agreed to 1,000.

Put in the time and date it.

One thousand? Yes.

One thousand what?

Which one of you is Steven, and which one is David?

What? Oh, for Christ's sakes!

Which one of you is Steven, and which of you fellas is David?

I'm Steven, and this is... W... The other one.

Well, Steven, we're talking about $1,000 here, which you've just agreed to.

Two thousand is highway robbery and you know it.

Now, if we're done here, you go to see Joe at the bank in the morning.

You can sign for your money then.

Welcome to Happy.

There must be something here with our names on it.

Midget clothes.

We're midgets.

We're not midgets. No.

Maybe whoever owned this had kids.

Circus kids.

Hey, what about this?

Hey, maybe we are tailors.

We travel from town to town... tailoring dresses for... circus midgets.

Traveling midget tailors?

Yeah, you think?

No.

"Pageant World."

"The magazine for the pageant and talent industry."

Heavy reading.

What is this?

Oh, my!

Legs that wrap around you twice.

Yeah.

"Princess pageants at pauper prices.

"Dreams do come true, and we come to you.

Trust Steven and David, the pageant professionals."

We put on beauty pageants. Wait.

You mean we drive around in this thing here...

And slide hot bodies into tight dresses.

I could do that.

Hey, it's some photos.

Hey.

Yeah.

Here we are in front of the motor home.-

So we're gay.

How hard can that be?

It might not be hard for you, Rock Hudson, but I have got... heterosexual...

What? "Not gay"... written all over me.

It's business. It's for the money. I don't want to be gay.

I'm not asking for the world here.

I'm not asking you to act civil.

Just... Just walk into the bank and cosign for $1,000.

A thousand dollars!

Do you really need a new tractor, or do you just want one?

All right. Now, can I have your account number... with the bank?

Hi. - Can I help you? Yeah, sweetheart.

We got some confidential business with the bank's president.

Oh! Oh, you must be the pageant people.

Yeah. We're here to collect the $1,000.

Oh, I-I think that's, half. Half a thousand.

No, no. All of it.

You want to go fetch the pants around here?

We prefer to deal with Joe. Nothing personal.

Joe.

Jo-sephine McClintock.

Howdy. How y'all doin'?

Folks around here call me Joe, after my dad.

He died quite some time ago, so he's gonna be kind of hard for me to fetch.

I know that I'm just a girl and everything, but I do believe that the agreement was 500 up front and five upon completion.

Well, aren't we the assholes?

Fifty, four hundred. Fifty and fifty makes it five hundred. There you go.

You're both going to need to sign here as proof of receipt, okay?

Ely, what are you doin' out here this early? I got it. Hey, Joe.

The boys at the co-op give me a $20,000 advancement on my crop.

Well, I'll have that... in fives and twenties.

Oh, come on, Ely. You know I don't have that kind of money around here till harvest day.

Why don't you leave this here with me for the next two weeks?

I'll pay you better interest than that mattress of yours.

After harvest day, I can cash any check you like, Well, could you let me have $3.00 for lunch, then?

Well, I'll need to see some I.D.

No, no, no, Ely. That was a joke.

Oh. Okay. Bye-bye.

Bye. All right.

So, Joe, you cash a lot of $20,000 checks around here?

Why? You got one that needs to be cashed?

Not on me. Why, it's bad luck.

Well, it was... It was real interesting meeting you both.

Yep. See ya.

Yeah, very nice... meeting you. Oh.

Very... nice. Okay.

Fan-fucking-tastic. Let's find us some wheels and get out of Dodge.

Are you thinkin' again? 'Cause you could think on the road, you know.

We're not going. What?

We're staying. We're not going.

"We"? Did you grow another face? 'Cause I'm out of here.

Remember, my half now. Two-fifty. Give it over.

Oh, this one's sweet. Would you just stop and think?

Two-fifty is plainly enough for me to get out of here.

Get how far?

Right now every law enforcement officer in the southwest is looking for you.

But no one is looking for a cake-eating, pageant-producing, midget-tailoring gay couple in Happy, Texas.

Wait for the heat to cool down. Stay here two weeks.

Then we take the bank down and travel in style, right?

When did people in small towns start lockin' their doors?

God!

All right. What about the R.V.?

I mean, somebody's gonna come lookin' for that. Worries we don't have yet.

If it gets hot, we just grab a car and get gone, right?

All right. Let's say I go along with this.

I mean, you're kind of a wuss. You've been right so far.

What do you need me for?

Two-man job, Wayne.

I need a partner.

Oh... Mornin'. Howdy.

I'm glad I found y'all. I looked at your place.

What can we do for you? They're waitin'.

They're waiting? The girls.

Oh, the girls! It-It started without you. I told 'em I'd round y'all up.

The girls are waiting. Yeah, the girls.

Hardly sit down, they're so excited to meet you two.

I've often said to David... "David," I've said, "nothin' starts the day off like an excited girl."

Yep, and I've often said, "Right."

Well, just giddyap.

And ball change. Now we do a loop kick.

Now, normally I like to be on the glamour end of a partnership, but you've got a real way with people.

I've seen it. So to use your talents in the best way possible, I'm willing to take the burden of responsibility for the bank.

Yours will be this... pageant thing.

Or how about this?

You bite me. Why can't I do the bank? Why do I got to do the kids?

You know what I was doing time for? Sorry. Good mornin'.

Well, I'd like to welcome you both to Happy. I'm Miss Schaefer.

Good mornin', Miss Schaefer. I'm Steven.

I'm the other one. David. David.

Hi. Well, we're just so very excited, y'all being here and all.

We're convinced, with your expertise, we can finally qualify this year.

I'm afraid I've been doin' the Little Fresh-Squeezed Pageants for eight years now.

No qualifiers yet.

Last couple of years, even the parents stopped comin', which is a disappointment.

But we're hostin' the event this year.

What with 13 towns and nearly 100 girls competing, well...

Well, you did the right thing calling us in, because David here is what we call in the business a pageant master.

Really? There are only four of those in the whole United States.

My, my.

So, what I'd like to do is to leave you in his capable hands... and let him work his magic, while I tend to our business affairs.

Steven, you don't have to go so soon.

Yes, I do, David. No, you don't, Steven.

Yes, I do, darling.

He hates it when we're apart. Oh.

Pleasure to meet you, Miss Schaefer. Nice meeting you.

See ya.

Well.

Would you like to meet the girls?

Don't point at me! No, don't!

Do you mind if I just... stand here for a minute?

Yeah, and you do it with your booty.

You don't have to be nervous about the girls. They're fine with, you know.

What? About you being a h-homosexual.

Oh, yeah.

Now, everyone, I want you to say "hi" to David.

Hi, David!

Hi.

Your booklet requested a piano.

Perhaps you'd like to let the girls vocalize?

Great.

Too high.


Old Dan Tucker. Was that that hard?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello.

Hello to you.

Jesus.

Thought I was going to have to stop a bank robbery.

You really scared me.

Last man in that safe who didn't work here, my daddy shot in his tracks.

I understand that's the most painful place to be shot in.

So, what are you doin' back there?

I couldn't find anybody. I called out. The safe was open.

But it could've been soundproofed.

I'm going to have to start beefin' up security around here.

Pistol whip him, Chappy. Give him a little knick-knack-paddy-whack.

He's one of those pageant fellas. Oh.

Oh, Joe, ask him about the trees. The trees?

Yep. You are lookin' at the pageant's decoration committee.

Yeah, we've been out shoppin' for decorations.

We sort of decided on orange trees and twinkle lights.

I mean, if that's all right with you. Twinkle lights sounds great.

Well, I... So, was there somethin' that you needed?

No.

I just wanted to make sure the decorations were taken care of.

And things look great here, so... Okay.

So I'd better go check on Wayne.

Wayne, Newton. Oh.

The music for the dance numbers.

Gotta go.

Okay. Well, I'll see ya.

Bye.

Not how I pictured him at all.

They're crafty that way.

I mean, he's cute in a sort of zestfully clean kind of way.

But I like my men a little dirty and packin' heat.

Chappy?

I best bring the rest of it up. All right.

I've got it. I've got it. I've got it. Thank you.

I thought they were gay. They are.

I don't know much, but I know men.

And he was lookin' at you the way a fat man looks at fried food.

No, goddamn it.

They're keepin' us totally in the dark here.

Yeah, I got my tactical display here.-

Hold on. Hold on. Hey! Hey, hey, hey!

Come on in here. Come on. Save me a trip.

Hold... Hold. Let me get a pen and a paper here.

Hold on. Look at that.

What do you think of that? Okay, give it to me.

It wasn't my idea to escape. It was a fight between Wayne and Bob.

Hey, can I finish this phone call, please? Thank you.

Go ahead. Send it to me.

No, don't fax it to me! Goddamn it, that's what I've been tellin' you.

It's... It's all... mushy.

I can't make heads or tails out of it.

Bring it to me. You bet. That'd be fine.

Tomorrow? Fine.

I'll keep an eye out for you.

Oh.

I was gonna find you.

The boys at the garage...

Your R.V. there... Basically a piece of crap.

Sorry.

So how are you? Better all the time.

Mexican authorities have been brought into the search... for the three men who escaped from a prison van yesterday.

Police now think the three may have crossed the border into Mexico, so the manhunt is being concentrated... along the Rio Grande Valley.

You won't believe what just happened to me.

Thank goodness for small-town sheriffs.

The guy's holding my mug shot in his hand.

Next thing I know, we're drinking a beer and talking about...

If you ever leave me with a kid again, I will make sure that you never have one!

You have no idea what it is like... to have these screamin' little booger eaters lookin' up at you, expecting you to... know stuff.

Why can't we do the bank now?

Because right now that bank is just an ugly stepsister to when the harvest money comes in!

That's why! I don't care whose sister is at the bank.

I can't go back in there and play the fool. All right.

I agree.

All right? Don't.

It's the answer to keeping the whole town busy on bank day.

It's the best of all possible diversions.

It's our alibi.

We can't rob a bank if we're hosting a beauty pageant, can we?

No. Wayne.

Come on, Wayne.

Solitary...

Lousy food, big men with bad breath.

Or we're rich...

Great beaches, foreign women with large breasts.

I'm gonna pick that one. All right!

All right. You're on. All right. Sold American.

To pull it off, this needs to be more of a partnership.

All right. Thank you, guys. Yeah.

Hello? Sheriff? Anybody here?

Hello?

Sheriff Dent?


Give me that gasoline, Jency!

I promise you I'm going to let you do your flaming baton trick later.

David, do you want to help me with something?

Right.

I wanna get him! No! Let go of me, you homo!

You come anywhere near these girls again, I won't say nothin'.

I'm just gonna come over to your house late at night when you're asleep... and kill you with a chain saw.

Cool.

You got no room to talk, lady!

Don't you ever let me catch you fight like that again!

You don't ever drop your lead shoulder when you throw a punch.

You think shoulder to face when you hit.

Shoulder to face.

Sure you're okay? Yeah.

Do you smoke? No, thanks.

Man, I've never seen Miss Schaefer that mad before.

She was mad?

I think she was expecting more from this whole thing.

She's been talking about all this great stuff you were going to teach us.

And, well, so far, nothin'.

All right, goddamn it! Shut "yer" yappers!

Get your diapered butts in line! Get over here!

Over here!

Now, we got work to do! Cool!

All right. This might look hard at first.

One, two, three, four!

Go! Okay!

It's a tornado! It's a tornado... goin' through the small town!

Whippin' around.

Watch it. Make it go.

Winds of fury!

Giddyap! Go! Go!

Okay. All right. Let's get started.

Girls.

Would you like to try to follow what he did?

Three hundred and fifty dollars for this nice Mako gas range over here.

This is a classic. It's antique.

It's a Ming vase. It's a Ming vase?

It's a Wyo-ming vase.

I brought it in from Wyoming. But it's a nice one.

There's a little crack in the back, but you can fix that up.

How about we start this at $100? A $100 bid.

A hundred dollars, anybody? A hundred... How about this outstanding picture?

A man sitting on a tractor. I don't believe it's a John Deere, but his wife probably calls him John Dear.

Right now our next lot is lot 24.

It's a collection of tires. You all know Varnel's affection for tires.

There's a lot of good rubber in these tires, and there's some steel belteds in there.

We'll start the bidding at 200. Two hundred. Two hundred. Give me three. Lookin' for three.

Three hundred dollar bid, dollar bid. Three hundred dollars. Lookin'...

Hi. Am I glad to see you. I thought I was going to die. We got a $400 bid.

Hey, Varnel, what are you biddin' on?

Joe, that's a-a hell of a price.

But, Varnel, those are your tires.

Judge, don't let him buy those tires. Sorry, Varnel.

We'll continue biddin' here. Have you always taken care of everyone?

You know what they say about small towns... like big families, no secrets.

Which is, sort of why I wanted to, talk to you.

I need some advice.

You can trust me.

This is a little hard, but I feel I can talk to you, because you're... Because you're sort of...

Because I'm an outsider? Well, because...

You are. Yes, you are, but that's not it. Because I'm handsome?

No. I mean, you're very handsome, I think.

But that's not really what I'm...

Okay. Because I'm a man?

Yes.

And no.

I feel like I can talk to you like a girlfriend. You know what I mean? That's a first.

I mean it in a good way. I haven't had a girlfriend in a really long time.

Me either. Hilarious. That's funny.

I couldn't help but notice that you seemed to have kept... a certain amount of... passion in your relationship.

With David? Passion?

Yeah, I, I-I guess I work hard to keep that in my life.

See, relationships for me have all just been a little bit... fuzzy.

The difference between what is good and what is settling... has always been a real problem for me.

So I'm just lookin' for anything that would help.

A tip or magic spell.

For a relationship that you're in?

Yeah. Oh.

And this guy... It is a guy, right?

Yes, it's a guy. Of course it's a guy. Good.

Guys are easy. All they want is...

The bank. The bank!

The bank?

Sugar, stop cryin'. It's all right.

It's just an accident. Everybody all right?

Here's your baton, Jency.

I'm sorry it melted. It's out! The fire is out!

All you people go home!

No, no, no.

Lefty-loosey, righty-tighty.

And will somebody turn off the damned alarm?

Man, I always get scared when I hear that old tornado siren.

You thought a tornado hit the bank?

No! No, the bank's alarm, fire department... and public safety are all tied in to the same system.

My heart is going a mile a minute.

Girl, you need to relax. Yeah, well, I'm open to suggestions.

Why don't you let me give the girlfriend role a try?

Help you out with the decorations. Okay.

Why don't you come by tomorrow, then?

David?

May I have a word with you, please?

Now, most times, I don't like to have to say anything... about what people say or what they do, but I will not stand by and allow you to use vulgar language... like the "G.D." word in front of those little girls.

I will not let that happen. Do you understand me?

I wish you wouldn't talk to me like that.

Well, I'm sorry, David, but it had to be said.

I'm sorry. Hi, Miss Schaefer.

Would you mind if I borrowed David for one second? No.

It's the end times.

What the hell are you trying to do? About what?

Fry a bunch of little girls? Need I remind you?

Need I remind you that those girls are our meal ticket here?

What'd you do that for? Don't talk to me like that.

Okay.

God. My mistake.

Everything, copacetic with your companion there?

Yeah. We're more like just friends now. Yeah, it seems friendly.

Yeah, in many ways we just stick together 'cause of the job.

Your... your work's awful important to you, then?

Sure. I gotta go.

H-Hold on there. Hold on.

I was thinkin'. Something occurred to me.

If you got the time, I'd like to ask you some questions about you and your friend there.

You mind comin' over to my office?

C-Can I do it another time? It'd be better for me.

How's it goin'?

You know what they say.

What are they sayin' now?

Oh, you know. Measure twice, cut once. You?

How are you doing? Good.

I'm almost finished with my masterpiece. I call it "Family Tree."

I think I may have just found my true calling. How are you doing?

You almost done with the tree trunks? We need 'em.

Be right there. So tell me about this man of yours.

His name is Glenn.

Where is Glenn now? He's in Van Horn.

He stops by every once in a while for dinner and breakfast.

A few late-night phone calls. It's a very modern relationship.

We've been together six years next month.

Six years of what? Breakfast and phone calls?

It sounds kind of convenient. It doesn't sound very... permanent.

Well, I can wait. What for?

You know when you're in your 20s and everything is going to happen someday?

And then you get a little past your 20s and someday is happening or has happened.

Your dad dies, and you go from being Josephine to Joe, president of the bank.

And everybody starts depending on you.

Your love life sort of takes a back seat.

You start to realize that maybe your...

Maybe your ultimate dreams are unattainable.

I don't know. I guess I'm still waiting for someday.

On the plus side, he does do somethin' every once in a while... that feels worth waitin' for.

What's that? He tells me that he loves me.

Oh, come on! "Love you" is easy. Men say it all the time.

Men say they love their work.

Love their cars, love their... love their freedom.

He should be telling you something more than that. Like what?

Here. He should take you in his arms, look you straight in your eyes.

He should say...

I don't know. He should say, "I may have seen a woman in my life..."

"who is considered prettier, but I've never seen one more beautiful."

"When you laugh and your eyes are happy, I think no matter what, I'm a success."

He should say, "I want you." Yeah.

"I want you, Joe."

"You'll never be second to anything else, "because I want you more than anything else.

"I want to kiss you.

I want to breathe in the air out of you."

Right. Like some straight guy's ever gonna say that.

Oh, my God.

Man, you are good. You know that?

You are really, really good.

Well, a man in love is a man in love. Yeah.

It makes them say the strangest things.

Come on. Finish the trees.

Yeah. Okay. Trees. Let's go.

Well, I... I'd better go wash this off so we can... move on to gettin' covered in tree-trunk brown, yep.

Oh, excuse me.


Don't move.

Got ya. Bang.

There's one less bunny rabbit that'll be bothering you.

Damn rodents. Chewin' up everything in sight.

You know, they breed like rabbits.

Yeah, I heard.

Sheriff, why are we out here?

Let me choose the right words here.

Ever since you and David come to town, I've been thinkin'.

What's wrong with this picture?

There's one. You want him? No.

Look, there he goes. He's got two. Thank you.

Truth to tell, I invited you out here because I need some advice.

Sure, if I can help.

I'm just a crusty old redneck, and I don't express myself well.

Recently there's someone that I would... love to express myself to.

Why, Sheriff, you've got a crush on some sweet thing.

That's great.

There comes a time in a man's life when he must be bold.

Sure. I-I've learned that you've got to say what's in your heart.

Life is short.

And to let the chance pass you by of spending it with someone you love...

That's a sin. A real sin.

Here we go. You want this one?

You take him. Bring it up nice and slow.

Easy, easy, easy. You got the safety off there?

Is it tight against your shoulder? Keep it tight.

Nice and tight. That's good. You're good.

Yeah. I guess like everybody else, I'm scared of bein', you know, rejected.

There's no way, man.

You're a real catch. You're a man's man.

You're a nice guy. You got your health.

And everybody knows what a turn-on a uniform is.

Just bring it up tight into your shoulder there.-

You're going to just... squeeze it.

Don't jerk it. Just... squeeze it.

Look right down the barrel. Keep both your eyes open.

You mean all that stuff that you said?

If you were gay, you'd be just my type.

Pop him.

Jiminy Crickets. Are you all right?

I... Yeah. Did I get it?

I don't think there's any danger of that.

Are you sure you're all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I think you're mighty handsome.

I'd never split up another couple.

But now that I see that you and David aren't together anymore, well, that's a cat of a different color.

So, bein' bold here.

What do you say you and me go out on a proper date?

God!


Two bottles.

And land. And land. Like an airplane.

'Cause I got my weight in my hip. Weight in my hip.

Weight in hip.

And land. And...

Put it up.

Punch and punch! And come on!

That way. All right. You do it.

Yeah, put it up here. Doing the swan head. Face me, though.

Good. All right. Let's go inside and show the others.

Hi. Lucky we had the two-and-a-half-hour drive to get here.

It's just that I've heard about this place for so long.

I figured this was a good time...

Tell you what. I'll get us a couple of beers.

You can tell me about yourself.

Hold on there.

God knows when we're gonna see you again.

We need two more Tecates. Each?

At least. There you go.

And, give me the meanest steak you got. Rare, and I mean rare.

Just dehorn it, wipe its butt and send it in.

Steven?

Two. There you go.

Well, first things first: I'm glad you're here.

I wish you'd start calling me Chappy. Chappy.

There ya go.

Hope you'll understand if we take this very slow.

Oh, I wouldn't have it any other way.

It's just that... I feel we're a lot alike.

There's a lot you don't know about me.

Well, that's what life's for, isn't it?

Findin' out.

I'm gonna spin you again. No.

A one, two.


How was the prom?

Your date. Did you get any?

Yeah, very funny.

Screw you.

Well, that would be cheatin' on the sheriff.

So you did some dancin'? Why do you care?

I'll tell you why I care.

You don't think I know what you're doin', do you? What?

Goin' to the banker lady's house for popcorn and pillow talk.

Goin' huntin'. What did you do tonight? Did you go some place nice for dinner?

Did you have a few drinks?

You don't think I'd like to get out some night or have a nice meal?

Spend one night not thinkin' about the girls?

You know what I did tonight? I'll tell you what I did.

I spent it right here... tryin' to figure out if... slip-stitchin' or bastin' is the best way to put on a sparkly heart.

Because you know what? I don't know how.

Judges are gonna be here tomorrow.

Madison's not gotten all the way through her song.

The numbers are all over the place. Nobody can keep the beat.

And I'm scared to death that Jency is gonna drop her baton... and fry like one of them Buddhist monks.

There...

I thought this was a partnership.

You know what I don't see?

I don't see no keys to the bank.

Fine, Wayne. Let's trade.

You come pretend to be Chappy's life mate.

You explain how you don't... kiss early in a relationship 'cause you're not that kind of guy.

So now it's Chappy.

Yes! Damn it! It's Chappy!

We're dating!

I gotta get out of here.

Every time we start to have a nice talk, you gotta go.

Fine. You know what? Maybe I'll just go do the bank myself.

Okay, Wayne. Go.

You go do it. You go do the bank. All right.

First I gotta make the polka-dotted flowers for the girls' hats.

You're quiet today. Are you all right?

Every time I think about you, I am.

What? You're such a surprise.

What do you mean?

I don't know. Just a surprise.

Well, I have to get back to work.

I'll clean up. Thanks.

Can I see you later? It's the last night in town.

I can't. I'm having company. How about after?

It's Glenn, Steven.

"After" will be tomorrow. Okay.

Well, thanks again for lunch.

I'll see you.

Oh, David. Where you been?

I just woke up. Where's the girls?

They're inside with the judges now. It's so close.

We're so close this year. Just once, I'd like to show those people... from Pecos and Fort Davis that we are just as good as they are.

Sorry.

I think we'll do fine.

You know, I just wanted to tell you that next year... you don't need my help, 'cause you done real good.

Well, thanks. Coming from a professional like yourself, that means so much.

Yep. Well...

And you are, I must say... You are fuckin' great!

Don't mean to be rude. We still have the girls to see in Fort Davis this afternoon.

Thanks for your hospitality. Everything looks very festive for tomorrow.

Oh, here are the final instructions for the program... and your copy of the contestant list.

Are you telling me that somebody qualified?

Ms. Schaefer, they all qualified.

They all qualified.

It zips! It zips!


Now, I haven't had a whole lot of experience, but you're incredible.

I mean, considering the fact that you are h... homosexual.

Well, that whole gay thing is just kind of a...

A hobby, really.

I thought you had a lot of girls' names on you for a... for a, you know.

Who's Jessica? Jessica Lange.

Who's Jamie?

Jamie Lee Curtis, from that movie Trading Places.

Who's this? That's not a tattoo.

Oh, my.


Three most romantic sounds in the world:

Plane engine, a ship's whistle and a locomotive's horn.

Somebody once said that.

Or maybe it's the three loneliest sounds. I can't remember.

What are you thinkin' about, out here watchin' freighters go by?

Goin'.

I'm always thinkin' about goin'.

Oh, Lordy, we sure did get to the gettin' gone part quick.

I got something for you. Chappy, you shouldn't have.

Go on, now. It's for luck tomorrow...

and to say thanks.

Thank you for the... the gift... that these last days have been.

You know, I... I've been thinkin', hell, Dallas ain't that far.

My schedule's pretty flexible, and...

We don't need to talk about that now. There's time for that later.

Go on. Open it.

It's a rabbit's foot. I made it. It's for luck.

That come off the only one you hit that day.

Thank you. I want you to know, when you leave...

I know folks around here. They'll talk about it for years.

"Remember when them two fellas came for that beauty pageant?"

I'll think about you.

I just want to make sure you got something of me with you.


You want some coffee?

Hang on a second. I'll be right there.

I didn't mean to be rude. I just wanted to get out of that robe.

So, I take it this is your "I stayed up all night" look... as opposed to your "I'll get up early and get Josephine some breakfast" look.

That bad, - I guess I should be flattered by your stalking.

There's such a fine line between stalking and being attentive, and I was... being attentive.

How's Glenn?

Oh, he's gone.

Yeah, I saw him leave. No, I mean he's "gone" gone.

Yeah. I told him it was over, and...

He said fine, he wasn't having that much fun anyway.

Very adult of him.

I mean, I was at least hopin' for some tears or a tantrum.

Somethin'.

Well, how 'bout that, You all right?

No.

Which is stupid. I mean, it's not like anything he said was such a big surprise.

It's just that... It's just that...

I had this big speech worked out about how I didn't want to be second anymore, how I wanted a relationship that felt permanent, you know, not just... convenient.

And I wanted to be part of a couple that did things as a...

As a couple, you know?

I wanted him to talk to me the way you did, look at me, pay attention to me the way you do.

I mean... that's not too much to ask, right, that's not too much to want?

Joe.

Joe.

God.

I wish...

Joe.

You're great.

You are. You're great.

You'll meet somebody. You're going to meet someone.

Yeah.

And with my luck, he'll turn out to be gay.


All right... All right. Outside. Let's go.

Hey. You and me, we ain't talkin'.

I know what you're doin' here. It's not right.

Hi there.

Sure lookin' forward to that pageant this afternoon.

Listen. I am not waitin' for you to clean this place out this afternoon, and I get zip.

I'm going to sign for my other 250, which I've more than earned, and then...

Good morning, boys. Piss on you. I am gone.

Wait, wait. Two-fifty?

Saw Liberace one time in Laughlin. Great show. He's an all right fella too.

Like y'all, but sittin' at the far end of that counter, if you know what I mean.

Would you excuse us? Oh, sure.

Two-fifty? You're here to sign for the other half of the salary?

I thought you were going to rob a bank. Me? I'm not robbing the bank.

You're robbing the bank. I'm not robbing the bank!

It was your idea.

Yeah, it was my idea, but now it's not... I think I'm falling in love.

With the sheriff or the banker?

With Joe.

Bad luck. Boys, in case no one else got around to telling you, we sure do appreciate what y'all done around here.

Well, that's it. See you both at the show.

Hey, you've done a good job, Wayne.

Better'n I could've done with those kids.

You're a good partner. You take my share.

It's time for me to go.

Buenos dias, girls. I got my new car parked outside.

Y'all want to come look at it?

Next.

Ain't life funny? Us back together again.

Kind of like a Kodak commercial. Imagine my surprise... when I come up out of my hole where I've been waitin' for things to cool off, and who do I see in my bank?

Goat boy's girlfriend here.

So tell me, girlfriend, tell me about your plan to get my money.

Or we can do my plan, but I always figure killin' a bunch of people makes for a slower getaway.

All right. I'll give you the combo. Hey. Alarm.

Thank you, Wayne. What about that?

Don't worry about the alarm. I'll cut the alarm. If it's on a reset switch, it'll start before you...

What about that? It'll be on for a second or two.

I'll coordinate the break-in with... something loud.

What's loud? Well, when my girls come onstage, that entrance music is pretty loud.

David! How you doin'?

Quarter of 4:00. Okay. 3:45, I cut the alarm.

Then you're on your own.

How long has he been in there?

In the bathroom. How long do you think he's been in there? What's it matter?

I would... I was thinkin' if he has the cramps or somethin', we could surprise him.

What are you going to do? Jump him in the can? I can take him.

No, you can't. I think I can take him.

Wayne, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you're a lousy fighter.

Well, at least I ain't actin' like a pee-waddlin' hound... handin' out the combination of my girlfriend's bank.

I am not helping him.

All right. I am helping him.

But it's better this way. No one gets hurt.

You should've seen it. Lifted me right off the seat.

I could've named it Flipper.

Hey, you both look que bonita, just like everything's normal.

That's good.

Steven, it's me, Chappy.

Who's Chappy?

The sheriff.

You get rid of him right quick, or else I will.

Getting dressed! Just a second!

Hey, Chappy. Hey. Hey, you.

I wasn't trying to catch you with just your drawers on. I promise.

Hey, David. How are you?

I thought I'd stop and visit for a bit before the festivities begin.

I got a line on some transportation for you.

It ain't pretty, but it'll get you where you're goin'.

I... I'm sorry. Am I interrupting something?

Yeah. You sort of are right now.

Oh, I'm sorry, Steven, I'm...

Think I'm bein' a little selfish right now, and it's your last day in town and all, and I'm tryin' to fit in as much time as I possibly can.

Me and the boys were fixin' up your R.V. there.

We're going to tow it to El Paso. I think we can...

Chappy, I need you to go.

I can stay out of your way here till you're done.

I-I don't want you in here right now, okay?

Of course.

Sure. All right.

We still going to sit together during the show, right?

No. No, I don't think so.

What? What are you talkin' about? Will you just go away?

I don't want to sit with you tonight. I don't want to see you back here again.

I don't want you looking for me after the show.

Steven, if there's something I've done... Here.

No. I must've been out of my mind.

Wastin' my time with some redneck, hick sheriff... with bug eyes and two left feet.

Just leave me alone.

It's nice my new amigo is so concerned about his friends.

Means I don't have to worry about how this is going to go down.

Let's do it.

All right.


Hi. Hi.

Okay, everyone, I hope we're all ready.

Come on. Come on. Come here.

Okay. Do you think we should pray?

Yeah. Yeah. Why don't you go ahead?

All right. Bow your heads.

What about hold hands?

All right. Let's hold hands. Okay.

Okay, God, just... want you to look down on these girls here.

They're like little flowers, and the rain you send 'em... got to be gentle and sweet.

We come to you today, and we ask you to just... help 'em...

Help us grab this pageant by the balls and rip 'em off.

I mean, if those judges don't like us, then screw 'em.

These girls here... they're talented, they're pretty.

And if those judges say anything different, then I hope that on Judgment Day... you put their asses through a meat grinder.

Amen. Amen!

Amen. It's show time, folks!

Let's go! Good luck! Break a leg! Not really.

All right. Break an egg.

Yeah! Ladies and gentlemen.

Straight from the big bend of Texas, your nominees for Little Miss Fresh-Squeezed.

All right!

Welcome to Happy. Welcome.

Where we are more than happy to be hosting the 18th Annual...

Little Miss Fresh-Squeezed preteen talent competition.

Ninety-seven girls from 13 communities... competing for a chance to represent their hometown at the state pageant... in Dallas next month.

What's going on? No matter what, 3:45.

3:45.

Hey. Oh.

Speak.


Well, you do...

That's why... Good news. The Del Rio girls haven't shown up, so the Happy Girls are going to go onstage early.

I thought maybe we could go back to my place.

Go... That would be... What? We could go back to my place.

Wait. Happy Girls aren't supposed to go on till quarter to 4:00.

We're 15 minutes early. Oh.

David. David. No, David.

Hi.

You know, this reminds me of a story.

Well, I'll be dipped.

Hey, Alton, get a map, get a hold of the SWAT boys and get your best body armor.

Yes, sir. We have been invited to a party.

Call the local boy. Tell him what's up.


We got to go. Hey, I am in the middle of a song here.

Well, our plans have been changed. Hey. Come on.

Please trust me. Get us a car.

I could not be prouder today to introduce to you... the Happy Girls.

What the hell are we doing here? The alarm is in Chappy's office.

Okay!

Enough. I consider the bank robbed, the town safe.

It's time to go. Come on. Where are they?

Who? Texas marshals.

You saw Texas marshals out there? No.

Oh, Jesus. You scared me. For a minute there, I thought we were in trouble.

They should be here by now. No, see, if they responded to alarms, which they don't...

I called them. Jesus on a crutch! What the...

I couldn't let him have Joe's bank. I can't let Bob do that.

They're here. I think it's time we go.

Thank you.

No.

Joe, don't!

Joe!

No, you got to hit Farm Market Road 2448.

South to Happy. Great googly moogly. What is goin' on now?

Look who's here, mija.

Joe. He's talkin' to you.

Steven. That's enough.

I put four of 'em inside. Let's assume the woman is a civilian.

You let me know when one of you boys got a clear shot.

You know what I don't figure, goat boy?

Either you're here for the cut, in which case I'd just as soon shoot you, or maybe you've come for mi nov here.

You don't have to hurt her, Bob. Hurting her is not part of the deal.


You stand real still. You hold this.

I'm going to have to ask you for your gun. Gun?

Amateurs.

Got an unidentified on the street.

Did anybody get a hold of the local?

Bob, we had a deal. You take the money.

I'm warning you.

That's all you're taking out of here. You're warning me?

You are one dumb peon.

Shots fired! Shots fired!

I got him!

Could you tell your boy to cease fire before he kills us? Cease fire! Cease fire!

Sir, we got us an officer in there. What are we going to do?

Admire him, son. That is one big-dicked cop.

Officer down! Holy hell! Somebody kill me one of them bastards!

Come on, lover.

Oh, Jesus.

Well, here's a surprise. You all right?

Don't you worry about me. I've been hurt worse today.

Oh, Chappy.

Chappy.

I want you to know, I'm not trying to rob the bank.

That's good to know. I'd hate to think I got shot trying to stop a bank robbery.

You going to be okay?

I think I can take him.

I'm a bit confused.

I love small towns.

Hey, get in!

Damn it!

What now?

Hit the brakes!

You stay here with the local.

He's shooting!

Turn! Hey!

Jesus on a cracker!

We are in pursuit of a late-model tow truck... pulling an early-model recreational vehicle.

We're traveling east on... Farm Road.

Farm Road... Farm Road...

1832, but you don't want to go that way.

1832 makes a big, lazy loop east.

Instead, you fellas oughta take 2886 south, and I'll head 'em to you.

I'm going to try to get up there! Ely, you still workin' that east parcel?

Hey, Chappy. I need a favor.

You mind drivin'? I'm feelin' a little light-headed.

Look! Shooting them is not going to make this truck go any faster.

But dumpin' 'em will. Now, I want you to take the wheel.

Joe! Steven!

What are you doing? Trying to save you!

Well, cut it out! I'm trying to save you!

If I don't kill you first.

Tractor!

Watch it!

Go! Go! Go!

Beautiful. Cops everywhere.

Pull in there! Oh, no. Not the pageant.

Oh!

So there! Hey, the light is green!

Oh! Hey! Ha!

Adios, amigo!

You all right? He hurt you?

Move, move, move! Hold your fire.

Hold your fire! Hold your fire! That's real nice.

What we got here is an old-fashioned Mexican standoff.

Don't you ever talk to me like that.

Sic him!

You guys are good. You're fast.

I don't know what I run a 40. In those shoes...

You guys are really good.

That was for my girls! Hog-tie that convict prick!

What was that all about?

Escaped bank-robbing convict, and I'm dancin' with him.

You know what they call that in my line of work? Retirement.

Chappy, I never meant...

Yeah, but you did.

That's what life's for, right?

Finding out?

Okay.

Sheriff Dent?

I just want to shake your hand.

I wish there were more men like you in law enforcement.

You're one big-dicked cop.

Thank you.

Oh, my God! David.

Miss Schaefer, don't you worry about a thing.

Okay. I love you.

I love you too, David.

Maddy! Maddy, I'm sorry. I'm not going to be able... to hear your whole song, all right?

I think you're a great kid! I like you a lot!

Maddy!

Maddy! Remember to keep the beat!

And at the beginning, start soft. Start soft.


Miss Schaefer! I love you, Miss Schaefer!

Doreen. You can call me Doreen.

You could call me Wayne.

Look. Look here what I done for you, sweetheart.

Oh, Wayne.

Wayne. What's wrong, sugar darling?

Look what I've done.

I love that woman.


You look good.

There are very few things that I remember about my mother, but I do remember her telling me, "Look out for boys. They have a way about 'em.

Make you feel like fine crystal one minute, an old penny the next."

I didn't come down here for you. I came for me.

I just want to know. All that time we were together, all those things you said.

Were they just so you could get into my bank?

Joe, Joe. Please, Joe, wait. Joe, I've been a screwup my whole life, and I never thought twice about it, even in prison, not until you.

You make me think about it. Don't make me come after you.

They'll shoot me.

My life up till now has been very fuzzy.

Now the difference between what is truth and what is not truth... has been a problem for me.

Joe, there is nothing... fuzzy about what I feel for you.

You know, you spoke better when you were gay.

I want you to know, if you think it'll help, I'm willing to try that.

Please don't.

Will you forgive me?

Not right now, no, but I've got three to five to think about it, don't I?

Good behavior, out in 22 months.

You think you're capable of good behavior? If you give me the chance, I could be very, very good.

Perfect.


I want to report a stolen recreational vehicle.

Very expensive. Brand-new. Very expensive. And I'm very upset.

It's brand-new. It is brand-new, and I'm very upset.

Yes, I will. I will.

Okay, he is transferring me to a detective. Oh, Christ.

I wish you would stop talkin' and yappin' away when I'm tryin' to do this, okay?

If you want to do it, you can do it. I should have done it.

Well, then, don't sit and talk about should've and would've. I can cry on cue, Steven.

Well, I am tryin' to cry and make it believable to him. I'm doin' the best I can.