Hard Candy (2005) Script


That is so good.

I want more.

But don't get greedy.



Sorry, I was gonna be, like, so sophisticated when we met.

Little hard to do that with your mouth full of...whatever that is.

It's great. It's great. Do you want some?




It's, um...kind of what I was thinking.


You just don't really look like the kind of guy who has to meet girls over the internet.

I think it's better to meet people online first sometimes.

You get to know what they're like inside.

When you work as a photographer you find out real quick - people's faces lie.

Does my face lie?

I look at those eyes and I see a girl who reads Zadie Smith, who listens to John Mayer and Coldplay, who loves Monty Python episodes and who, desperately, madly, deeply wants, needs, longs for more chocolate.

Excellent, excellent judge of character.


Can I get two of those truffles and two ganaches?

Now, what's a ganache?

You don't know what a ganache is?

Lucky, you're with a woman of the world to introduce you to these things.

And two chocolate-covered hearts. And a decaf latte for me.

And... No, I'm good.

Yeah, you do appear so.

So what's in the bag?

Oh, you know, just, like, books and stuff.

I figured if you stood me up, then I should have something to read.

Well...I couldn't really decide.

I'm reading this book about Jean Seberg.

She's this actress who slept with all the wrong people and ended up killing herself.

Don't you do that.

No. I intend to sleep with all the right people.

And plus, I'm reading 'Romeo and Juliet'.

It's a ninth grade book but I figured I could have it done before the school year starts, so...

Doesn't look like Elizabethan tragedy.

Oh. No, that's 'cause...

Well, my dad...he's letting me audit one of his med school courses, right?

I don't really understand haIf of it, but I totally love it.

What, so you go to UCW and you sit in a lecture hall with all these grad students and, what, do they hit on you?

Why? Are you jealous?

Just admiring.

I didn't know you were interested in that kind of thing.


You thought since we'd been chatting for three weeks that you knew everything about me?

Plus, they wouldn't hit on a 14-year-old girl.

They're like old enough to be my dad, so...

Oh! Well, they're like...

They're bad older. They're... You're not...

I'm so articulate.

Sorry. Can I just, like, start over?

No. I get it. I get it. I get it. I just thought...

You know, well, you look older than you are and you certainly act older than you are.

Really? Yeah.

I was expecting someone not as impressive.

Me too.

Thanks. Cool shirt.

You want it?

No, I didn't really bring enough bucks, so...

And yet, not actually what I was asking.

Sure, I want it. OK.

Can I get a green shirt in a small, please?

No. No, no.

I can't let you do that. What? Because...

Because... What?

Because you'd be so indebted to me that you'd have to...

OK. I guess I can let you do that.

You do have to model it for me, though.

Conditions. I can't live with all these conditions.


This is so unfair. What?

This is when things happen, in the middle of the night, by which time I am completely out of the scene.

Life as a teenager.

I just hate having to depend on Lindsey to drive me everywhere, you know?

You'll be driving before you know it.

I mean, in the meantime, I missed Elizabeth Wurtzel speaking at USC and the Goldfrapp concert.

I was at the Goldfrapp concert, actually.

Shut up. You were? Mm-hm.

Was it great?

Of course it was great. What am I saying?

Well, you could judge for yourself.

I got a bootleg MP3. You have the concert?

Yeah, just one song.

And a little louder, please, so the authorities know.

I totally have to hear it. I'll send it to you.

After you get home, after you get around to it.

Good things are worth the wait.

Oh? And what have you waited for recently?

I'm gonna have to wait four years for you.

You are just trying to distract me from that MP3.

Look, I have to send it.

It's not like I can just take you over to my house.

That would be a little insane.


OK, now, don't peek.

I shoot models for a living.

I've seen it all before.

And you're so sure about that? I'm thinkin' yeah.

Maybe you should peek and make that clerk wonder what's going on over here.

In your dreams, little girl.

Little girl?

Whatever happened to how mature I was?

Is this mature enough for you? OK.

You keep teasing me like that, you're gonna drive me crazy.

Is that so?

OK. Alright.

How's this?


OK, now, there's three points I have to make.

One, you wouldn't take advantage because you've been seen with me here today.

And two, it's Goldfrapp.

And three?

Well, and three, you said that it would be insane for me to come over and...

..well, four...four out of five doctors agree that I am actually insane.

Thus, I have to come over in order to be true to myself.



And the fourth reason, this amazing car.

Well, in the face of logic like that, I bow down and worship.

Bow down?

That's a good idea. What are you waiting for?

Worship me.

Yes, oh, royal Thonggrrrl.

I am not worthy to kiss your feet.

Oh. Maybe you are.

Maybe we should, like, get going.

Yes, oh, magnificent Thonggrrrl.

You wanna call your sister? Tell her where you'll be?

Maybe later. I just wanna get in this car.

Wow. So hot.

What's wrong?

Well, they...they teach us young things not to drink anything we haven't mixed ourselves, so...

Smart. Come back in the kitchen. I'll pour it again.

No. Come on.

I can whip up something more entertaining than that.

Oh. Healthy dude, huh?

I try.

Figure I'll live as long as I can.

Living long is overrated.

What, you don't want to reach a ripe, old age?

For what? When I'm 80, what would I do for fun?

When you're 80, I'll be 98.

Right. And useless to me.

What use do you have in mind for me?

Ah. I knew there'd be something fun around here.

I mean, other than wa...

I bet these babes got some dirt on you.

Those are models.

So why are they on your walls instead of...

..magazine covers?

Here, looking at you while, you know, you do the most intimate things.

My house is my studio.

When clients come here, they're walking into my giant portfolio.

So, what, these were all shot here?

Oh, my God!

OK, you are like a big deal, aren't you?

I get work.

Isn't that one of those cameras that gives you the, like, square image?

How do you know that?

I'm a goon.

I just, like, read constantly.

I mean, you saw all those books in my bag, so...

You're not reading now.

I'm not, am I?

Feels good.

Don't fall behind.

We should toast.


What's that?

It's my own little toast.

You know, carpe diem...

Seize the day.

So I figure, carpe omnious.

Take it all?

Take it all.

So, like, what is it like to look through your lens at some beautiful woman who's working so hard to look good for you?

You know these models. They all have handlers.

People to make sure their hair is just right and their make-up is OK and they don't get lost on their way to their next gig.

So you never get to be alone with them?

Rarely. Oh, poor Jeff.

I am compensated for my troubles. Don't worry about me.

But I like worrying about you.

It makes me wonder...


No, no. Forget it. Forget it.

No, come on.

Come on, what's in that insane mind of yours?

OK. We'll have another screwdriver and then maybe...maybe l'll tell you.

I'm waiting. Hold on.

You are not keeping up.


OK, here's where you're supposed to make it easier for me and read my mind.

You're wondering how many of these models I've done it with.


How many? None of them.

Oh, get out. No. They're underage, mostly.

I'd be arrested.

So you're not arrested for photographing them like this?

I'm very aware of the legal boundaries. I have to be.

Right. Right.

'Cause secretly...

Secretly, you WOULD like to do them.

No. There's just one that I slept with when we were both younger.

That one?

Not out here.

In the bedroom? No...

What's her name?



Yeah. Janelle.

So, what...what was she, like, the first big girlfriend or something?

That's right.

Learned everything I knew practicing on her.

And that date, what...

Was that the first time you guys...

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's...

So, what, where is she now?

She actually signed with Ford right after this shoot.

She really took off.

She, um... Oh, my God.

She is, like, on magazine covers. I know her.

Well, like, not personally, obviously, but...

You get more impressive every second.

The models are impressive. I just know how to bring it out.

You still love her.



No. Yeah!

No. Really?

No. Really, really, really?


I still love how simple things were back then but...

You know, I...

I don't want to forget that, but...

..we've moved on.

You're lonely.


I can hear it in your voice.

I'm a big boy.

Well, I guess everyone kind of has a Janelle, right?

I guess.

Hey, hey, what if you got one of your cameras and we can see what you can bring out in me?

This is what you wanted to ask? Well, I...

It's not as easy as you think. OK.

You know, models don't just pout their lips.

They have to be willing to open up.

They have to show us a little of their soul, their secrets.

Alright, then.

And most people only open up from weakness.

Nobody wants to see photos of weak people.

We look at great models because they open up from a position of...

..of, uh, of strength.

They have the strength to believe they can do anything, no matter how crazy, or, uh...

Are you OK?

Let's try something. OK.

Uh-uh, do me out here.

I shoot everyone in my studio. Oh, come on.

But I'm not everyone, am I?

Clearly not.

Come on, Jeff. Shoot me. Come on.

Shoot me.

Don't do that. What?

That phony music video crap.

Come on.

Just be yourself.

Just be open.

Weren't you just listening to me?

Come on, Jeff.

Sit down. Shoot me.

Look at me. Look at me honest.

Would you listen to me? Just sit down.

Jeff, I don't... Sit down.

J-Jeff, I don't... Sit down!

Are you OK?

I don't feel so good.

Did you...did you call me?

Sorry. I was just looking through your medicine cabinet.

OK, boring! No 'Valley of the Dolls' stuff at all.

Can't help but wondering why all the lubricants, though.

I j...

I, uh...

Oh, hey, hey, just...you know, tell me when you're ready.

Take your time.

What did you... What di...

You remember what I said about not drinking anything you didn't mix yourself?

That's good advice for everyone.

You know what? I'm sorry you were drugged for so long.

I've never really done that before and, oh, well, I swiped this from my dad.

Didn't come with directions and it's not like I could just ask him how much to use.

So I probably used too much or those screwdrivers could have affected my judgment, you think?

It's real water. Scout's honor.


Why do I get...tied up first if...this is how we're gonna play?


..play time is over.

Now it's time to wake up.

This isn't funny.

Is this some...teenage joke?





Now let me... Patience.

Let me go. Let me go! Patience.

Let me go! Patience.

I'm just checking out the side of the house, OK?

You know, I saw this cop show once. It was great.

And the killer, well, he thought he'd cleaned up all the evidence but some of the victim's blood got on his shirt and, yeah, sure, he washed it, but some of the dried-up blood got caught in the lint trap, so...

I mean...

Anything in here I should know about?

What the fuck are you doing?

That's kind of been my question, Jeff.

What the fuck are you doing, living in a house filled with pictures of haIf-naked teenage girls?!

Oh, none of whom you've ever done it with...

Help! Help!

Help! He...

There is really no point in me taking any risks, Jeff.

Technically, I could let you scream your fucking brains out and no-one is going to hear you.

Yeah, I waited till today because Mr Coughlin is at work, and the Kraskows, well, they're vacationing in Santa Barbara.

Still, I can't have some pedestrian just happening by as you're screaming, so shut up or next time it's gonna be bleach, OK?

You've been stalking me?


Alright. Let's get this straight.

You have been stalking me.

Yeah. I went into other chat rooms with different nicknames.

And you would get to know each woman.

And then as soon as you found out they were any bit older than me you would just drop them like that.

You took your time sniffing out someone my age.

I didn't talk to the others because they were boring.

You and I connected. Oh, right.

Come on, you think I faked all that?

You know, actually, it's...it's kind of funny.

Because every time I would mention some like obscure singer or band, you knew so much about them.

But not right away.

It was, like, a few minutes later.

Maybe to give you enough time to look them up on the web?


..you used the same phrases about Goldfrapp as they do on amazon.com.


By the way, I fucking hate Goldfrapp.

Come on...

I wanted to impress you.

I'm not the first guy to do something stupid to impress a girl.

Does that deserve being tied up and tortured?


Is this torture to you?

I guess you've never read anything by Amnesyt International or Human Rights Watch because this...

..this is nothing.

Of course you're not the first guy to lie to a girl, Jeff.

The operative word there being 'girl'.

I mean, you know how old I am.

What makes a kid who's barely past her first period worth all this research?

I mean, you really got to start to wonder when a grown man goes through all this trouble just to charm a girl.

Wow. There's that word again - girl.

You know, maybe it's this whole camera thing.


They let you hide, don't they?

So safe.

I heard how your voice changed when the camera came between us.

My voice changed because I felt sick because you drugged me.

Yeah, you were drugged, alright.

And the drug was sweet little 14-year-old flesh.


I'm a decent guy, ask anyone.

Go ahead. Call these models. They'll tell you.

Of course they will.

You're not an idiot, Jeff.

You don't piss where you live.

Those girls were your work and I, on the other hand, was...

..your play.

You were coming on to me. Oh, come on.

That's what they always say, Jeff.

Who? Who?

The pedophiles!

"She was so sexy. She was asking for it.

"She was only technically a girl. She acted like a woman."

It's just so easy to blame a kid, isn't it?!

Just because a girl knows how to imitate a woman does not mean she's ready to do what a woman does.

I mean, you're the grown-up here.

If a kid is experimenting and says something flirtatious, you ignore it.

You don't encourage it.

If a kid says, "Hey, let's make screwdrivers," you take the alcohol away and you don't race them to the next drink!

Look, look.

I've been lonely, OK?

And that makes me stupid but I am not a pedophile.

OK, you know what... This is some horrible mistake.

I am not lonely and therefore not stupid.

Untie me, we'll forget this whole thing happened. Just untie me now!

I might be a little peeved.

So when I am ready to go, l'll call a cab and call another one to let you loose.

When will that be? I'm not sure yet.


You can save yourself so much time by just dropping that word from your vocabulary.

I'm gonna do what I want, Jeff.

See, a guy as smooth at seducing adolescents as you are and takes those photographs, I just figure he has something around that he doesn't want seen, and when I find that, then maybe l'll know what I'm dealing with.

What you're dealing with?

I mean, what kind of pedophile are you? Just a voyeur?

Again, not a pedophile.

Right. Right. You're a photographer.

Takes a genius to get paid for what you'd be happy to do for free.

Look, go into the living room.

Look in the grey cabinet. Pull out the third drawer down.

You'll see prints of my work for all kinds of environmental groups.

I've done shots of the Yukon Territory...

..the Utah wilderness, the Inuit villages in Alaska...

So what?

You love nature, thus you must be a nice guy?

I'm saying my modeling shots are just part of my portfolio.

I've shot a lot of different subjects, some of it very important work.

And it was so important that you thought, "Well, I can't possibly hang it on the walls of my home.

"I need to plaster my house with pictures of underage nymphs

"and just tuck the nature shots away."


..a voyeur and a conservationist.

I'm not a voyeur! Not JUST a voyeur.

Sometimes you like to kick it up a notch to actual molestation.

I am not a molester! I have no idea who you've confused me with.

Sometimes you molest someone and they fight back and you completely lose control and you hurt them.

I have never hurt anyone!

We'll just see, won't we?

Those letters are mine.

Nothing's yours when you invite a teenager into your home.

Don't love her anymore, huh?

That explains why you save these.

I thought about selling them on eBay.

Excuse me?

Sorry. I couldn't hear you. Maybe it was the music or...

I don't know. Maybe it was the bullshit.

Alright. Honestly...

Some day I thought about sending them to her, reminding her how much of a bitch she was.

Oh. A little angry, are we?

She broke your heart and you haven't gotten over it?

You walk into somebody's house, you start looking through their shit, you're gonna find things that embarrass them.

It doesn't mean anything.

Alright. OK.

"Dear Jeff, "you have to stop.

"I can't go where you wanna take me.

"You're just not the person I thought you were."

You don't have to read it. I know what it says.

I bet you do. How many times did you read this over to yourself?

None of your business.

What kind of person did she find out you were, Jeff?

None of your business.

That kind of depends on how you define business, actually.

So, what, did you find her? The girl you wanted?

Is this what all your work is, just some kind of big search?

Are you the type of guy who likes to save his outgoing emails?

Read them over and over again to think about what you said?

This is weird.

Your download manager says you pulled some photos off the Net, but...I can't find them.

Gosh, that's strange.

Yeah. A smart guy doesn't leave photos on his computer.

'Cause that's the first place the cops are gonna look.

And then you're...into mementos and...

So where do you put the stuff that you pull off the Net, hmm?

Do you have a special little hiding place or something?

I live alone.

Why would I need a hiding place?

Just what I've been wondering.

I have looked through your whole house.


And I have found no porn.

I have not found a single...bit...of porn.

Guys tend to have porn around, don't they?

Nothing against it, nothing against them.

It's just the way they're brought up.

But, seriously, if a guy knows he can get away with it, all guys, they have porn at least somewhere in their crib.

You've done studies on this, of course.

Then I was thinking that these photos on his wall, maybe those are his porn.

But I bet they're not your stroke shots.

I bet whatever you have is so juicy it needs its own little cubbyhole.

Isn't that right, Jeff?

So what's the combination, Jeff?

Eat me. Oh.

Look at how he's sweating. Does this worry you, Jeff?

I'm gonna figure it out, so you might as well just tell me.

I am an honor student.

Take your time.

Oh...oh, I will.

Believe me, I've got plenty. No, not much.

Aren't Mommy and Daddy gonna worry if you're not home before dinner?

I'm thinking no.

Oh, is that it?

What, they're too busy to keep track of you, so you reach out to somebody who seems like he might care about you?

And you're so mad because they ignore you?

They've always made the fuss over your older sister because she learned to do everything first?

You're furious with them, but they do love you and they pay for your existence, but you can't let them see any of that anger.

I'm not angry at them. No, no. Absolutely not.

That'd be too dangerous.

But you are angry.

And you gotta let it out somehow.

So you find a guy, an older guy.

Maybe he reminds you a little of your dad.

Let me guess. I look like him?

You don't look anything like him.

If you say so.

But you gotta let that anger out somehow.

And I seem like a good target... Will you shut up?

Seriously, just shut up! You know nothing about me.

No, you're right. So sit down and tell me. We'll talk.

Yeah, right. We can sit on the sofa.

And I'll call a taxi for you.

If you want, I'll hold you.

If you don't want, I'll keep my distance.

You can let it all out. If you need to cry, if you need to scream.

Whatever you need, Hayley.

You wouldn't be mad at me?

I just want you to look at what you're doing.

I just wanna ask, um...

Did you...did you seriously think that that was gonna work?

You're good at what you do, Jeff.

What you do is work with teenage girls, put them at ease so they can trust you with all their secrets.

No, that's not what I was doing.

Janelle's birthday.

Janelle's phone number.

Janelle's phone number backwards.

You're an honor student.

Try every possible combination of numbers.

Should only take you the rest of the week, if you figure in breaks for meals.

Or I...

Or I could just...try March 1 9.

March 1 9, first with Janelle.

What's this, Jeff? You are 'lensman31 9' after all.

Was this the first photo session or the first time you banged her?

Or was that the same thing?

Hmm. What year would that have been?

3-1 9-87?


3-1 9-89?


How sentimental you are.

What's so special about these photos?


This is what they make those federal laws for, Jeff.

This is officially sick.

What makes this girl so special?


Why does she get to keep her clothes on?

I recognize this girl.


Where are you?


Fuck, fuck, fuck!

Welcome back.

I'm sorry to expose you like this.

It's...it's not about sex, although I have to admit...

..you are built.

I never touched you.

I was trying to hold you off me while I called the cops.

Oh. Would you have shown them this?

Why do you have a picture of Donna Mauer in your safe?

And, well, have you seen her? Because no-one else has.

I did meet Donna for coffee.

I took a shot of her to make her happy.

So how happy did you make her?

Look at her. She's fully dressed.

You can see the coffee shop behind her.

I never brought her home.

So, what, what, you just said, "See you later, kid. It's been fun"?

You could have thrown this away.

You didn't.

You needed to hang on to it.

You could have talked to the police.

You're right. Yeah.

Or maybe you had something to hide, like the extensive kiddie porn collect...

Look, I'm not the monster you think I am.

But OK, I...crossed a line.

Just call the cops. I'll turn myself in.

A cute pedophile pleads guilty.

"But, oh, it's not his fault.

"He's sick. He has an addiction."

I'll do jail. Isn't that what should happen?

Yeah, you might. You might get jail time.

I don't know, therapy, drugs, group discussions, notifying people when you move into a new house.

How bad is that, really?

It'll ruin my career, it'll ruin my life.

Come on, didn't Roman Polanski just win an Oscar?

So why the ice?

You know, I read the psych profile about the person who took Donna Mauer.

Said he's a loner.

Thinks he's pretty damn bright and as powerful as a teenage girl.

He's gonna strike again. Kind of sounds a lot like you.

It's not me!

Maybe not, but...

..those photos that I found and the way you let me get drunk...

You're a headline waiting to happen.

Everybody will be safer if I do a little preventive maintenance.

What the fuck are you doing?

I have to shave you down here.

I can't have any hair on the incision site, right?


I've been going through my dad's medical library at school and, um, well, you said I was pretty bright, right?

I think I'm smart enough to perform a successful castration.


Please. No! Ow!

OK, OK. I guess you're not numb enough yet.

What should we talk about while we're waiting? Hmm?

"Dear Janelle, my name is Hayley Stark.

"I hope you don't mind me writing you out of the blue like this.

"I met this guy that I think you know, Jeff Kohlver.

"Oh, he's SO cute.

"And, well, he seems to really like me.

"He even asked me over to his place to do some photography, "and I am so excited about this

"because, well, for a 14-year-old like me, "this could be a huge break, you know?"

And here I put in a little smiley face icon.

"Thing is, and I've tried to pretend this isn't the case, "but he talks about you an awful lot, "and I have this ooky feeling he's still in love with you.

"And I'm pretty sweet on him too, "but I don't want to go crazy over him if there's still some chance

"that you two might get back together.

"So, so, so, so, I found your email address in his PDA, "and I thought I'd just ask.

"Is this insane?

"Am I insane?

"Is Jeff?

"And this other girl he talks about all the time.

"Her name is...Donna Mauer.

"Do you know anything about her?

"I found these photos on his computer

"but, silly me, I can't figure out how to open them, "but I'm attaching them to this note.

"Are they pictures of you or Donna?

"Anyhoo, thanks a mil.

"Your complete honesty will be mucho appreciated.

"Love and peace, Hayley."

I tried to make it sound as innocent and moronic as possible.

How do you think I did?


Guess l'll just send it and that'll be that.

You're getting yourself in terrible trouble.

Oh. Oh, and how's that?

If you cut me in any way, you won't forget it.

It changes you when you hurt somebody.

Oh, and you speak from experience, I guess.

I've just lived.

Unlike you.

The things you do wrong...

..they haunt you.

Tell me what you're haunted by.

You wanna remember this day when you're with a guy on a date?

On your wedding night?

'Cause I promise you, you will.

Don't do that to yourself.


You know, that is so thoughtful.

You are speaking to me so selflessly.

I mean, you just don't want me to castrate you for my own benefit?

Wow, I'm touched.


Why don't we imagine someone saying the same thing to you at a random moment?

Imagine that, when you downloaded this little girl...

..I was sitting by your side saying, "Stop. Don't do that to yourself."

Would you have listened?


Don't do that to yourself.


Don't do that to yourself.


You are good and numb, aren't you?

Fuck off.

Look, your conversational skills are really deteriorating as the day goes on.

Seriously, it turns out that castration is like the easiest surgical procedure around, and thousands of farm boys all across the country geld their own livestock, so I figure, if they can do it, then I can pull it off, if you know what I mean.

I'm not fucking livestock.

You keep telling yourself that, stud.


Look, that wasn't necessary.

You bitch.

No more wiggling.

Does your mother know you cut off men's balls?

I've never done it before today, but...

..maybe l'll tell her when I get home, see what she says.

"Hayley, I knew you needed a science fair project, but, really..."

So you and your mom are both whacked.

I don't know.

That's that whole 'nature versus nurture' question, isn't it?

Was I born a cute, vindictive little bitch or...

..did society make me that way?

I go back and forth on that. l'll be done in a sec. I'm almost done.

There's money in the safe.

So? So you could take it.

Look, you can take the camera equipment. Take whatever you want!

Look, I am.

You really can't talk me out of this by bribing me, OK?

How...how can I?

What, talk me out of it?

I don't know. I haven't thought about that.

You know what, I need to sterilize this before we start.

Do you want me to use the vodka or do you have another alcohol you wanna offer me?



OK, all that scraping I did, the blood probably rushed back in.

I have to numb you out a bit more, OK?

l'll be right back.

Can I call someone for you? Is that what you...

Oh, you're getting bored.

Look, I'm sorry. We gotta get this show on the road.

Oh, it's actually really impressive.

I thought it would be fun to see how far you could get, and I really only expected, like, an inch or two.

That's not bad.

Why don't you just kill me?

Is that what you think I want?

Isn't it?


I love that you have all this stuff because, like, this way you can watch, you know?

Now I'm hurt.

Come on, I go through all the trouble to set this up and you don't even want to watch?

I just...

I stayed one summer with my Aunt Denise and her kids.

You know, her kids were like four or five, and I was, like, ten.

No. No, I was nine.

And the littlest one, the daughter, Lynnie...

..she...she loved me.

So she had this... she had this game where she would jump out of the bathtub, all soaking wet...

..and she'd jump on top of me, then she'd tickle me.

Then she'd tickle me and she'd shout, "Prune attack! Prune attack!"

'Cause her fingers were all pruney.

I...I couldn't do anything 'cause I was afraid I'd hurt her and it was weird.

And one day her mother came in in the middle of it and she saw her daughter naked on top of me.

And then...she yelled at her...

.."Lynnie, get back in the bathtub."

Then she took me by the hand...

..and she dragged me into the kitchen.

She turned the stove on.

And we stood there while the burner got hot.

And she pulled my pants down...

..and lifted me up over the burner.

I could feel the dirt on my skin from her hands.

She must have been gardening.

And I cried and cried.

And I could hear the tears sizzle as they hit the burner.

Then she sat me down.

She said, "If I ever catch you with my daughter again..."

She called my mom.

My mom came the next day.

I never saw Aunt Denise again.

These things really stick.

OK, well, you know, we're set.


I told you not to use that word. OK?

Hayley, please.

You need help.

A teenage girl doesn't do this.

I've seen your idea of what a teenage girl should do with her day, so don't even start.

I'll pay for a therapist.

Thanks. Thanks.

But if I ever see a shrink, I want to make my case...

Hayley, please.

..really, really interesting for them.

Please. I'll do whatever you want.

You could call the cops. I'll say I did whatever you want.

I don't think they're gonna believe a confession under these circumstances.

Then I'll leave. I'll leave. I'll leave, OK?

I'll move out of town. You will?


Donna's body will still be where you left it.

I'm not the guy!

I'm not the guy, I swear!

Anything! Please!

Please don't do this!

Anything? Anything! Piss on me!

Fucking feed me glass! I don't care! Do whatever you want!

I'll tell the cops I did whatever you want. Please! Just...

Please, I'll do whatever you want. Anything. Please.

Please. Anything.

Anything. Anything. Please.

Please. Please.

Anything? Anything.

Yeah, anything.

Just... Please.


When I talked about sending an email to Janelle, you changed the subject.

I could send it right now, pack up and go.

It could be the best thing that ever happened to you.

You could stop torturing yourself with the idea that you might get back with her some day.

What do you say? Goddamn it!

Get the fuck off of me!

Please untie me and let me go!

Please! Please don't cut me!

Please! Please!


I shouldn't have teased you like that.

I shouldn't have let you think there was a way out of this.

Hey, um...

I got this medical text, and, look, if I forget anything, just don't panic, OK, 'cause it's...it's right here.

Yeah, I knew you'd want to watch.

Look, if you move too much, I could nick the perineal artery and you...

You could, like, bleed to death before anyone got here, OK?

So, just, please, I really need to have a steady, steady hand, OK?



Do you feel that?

Why do you care?

I'd be thankful for small favors.


Wow, that went well.

You know, you told that, uh...

..that Aunt Denise story very well.

Very, very well.

What was that supposed to be?

Some kind of magic key to explain why you are the way you are?


OK, what should I do first - your right or left testicle?


Why don't we just say right, OK?

Alright, now, I just have to give it one little slice to free it up, and then, um...


OK. Now I just need to suture it up.

This would be so much easier if I had, like, a nurse or something, but, you know, I asked my friend if she'd help me castrate a guy and, well, she made all these, like, ooky sounds, like I was asking her to swallow worms or something.

Yeah, we'll see who makes medical school in eight years, huh?

Alright, now, you're gonna feel a tug, 'cause I really gotta get this tight, alright?

So just...bear with me.



OK, halfway through. Over the hump.

Can't you stop?

Come on, Jeff. Please?

Some men, they go through their whole lives with only one ball, and they're just fine, you know?

Or so I've read.

Well, I guess I figured that you're not really punished if I leave you with a spare.

OK, stay with me. Stay with me.

It's OK. It's OK, Jeff.


If I...if I left one, then you'd be walking around crooked all the time.

So, look, this is for the best, alright?

OK, you're entering a whole new world now, alright?

Just gotta...

..snip and...




This seriously has to be, like, one of the easiest operations, because...


I mean, I wonder why they teach Girl Scouts things like camping and selling cookies, you know?

'Cause this is what's really useful.

I don't know how they'd design a merit badge, though.

That'd be interesting.

I saw Lynnie at Aunt Denise's funeral.

I told her what her mom did.

She didn't believe me.

If Denise was here right now, what would you say?

I'd say, "Help.

"A teenager cut my balls off. Call the police."

She wasn't very sympathetic the last time, so I wouldn't really hold your breath.


I would cancel any appointments you have in the next few days because you're going to be sorer than you've ever been before.

Oh, and I'd say, in, like, eight or nine days, take the stitches out, which I suggest you do yourself to save embarrassment.

Oh, and there's this website, eunuchsquestions.com.

Eunuchs is E-U-N-U-C-H-S.

I had a lot of trouble with that, but it gives great advice on how to deal with your castration.

You really... You don't have to go through this alone, you know?


Do you want some souvenirs?



What should we do with them?

We could see how far they bounce. Hmm?

Actually, we wouldn't want, like, a little animal confusing it for an afternoon snack.

You know, a little squirrel or a coyote might get sick.

And we don't want that, especially with you being such a conservationist.


We could grind them up in the garbage disposal.

Or...or we could sew them back in.

I had this shop teacher once, who sawed off his thumb in class, and then he grabbed some ice, drove to the emergency room, the next day, sure enough, he has his thumb.

Didn't bend so well, but, you know, he could, like, hitchhike and stuff.

I'm just checking to see if it works.

I guess they, uh, weren't brass.

You're not laughing, are you?

Well, no wonder. This isn't a laughing matter at all.

I don't know. Maybe Donna's smiling just a tad.

I didn't do anything to her.

Maybe, maybe not.

But I suggest you track down the guy who did

'cause, well, he has no idea what's waiting for him.


You really need to rehydrate.

Jeff, please. Come on.

Jeff, I'm serious.

You really, really need to drink this, OK?

Come on.


OK? Do you want more?

Why are you being so nice to me now?

You're kinda pitiful now, aren't you?

I mean, it's going to be tricky, you know, not letting anyone find out about...

No more sex.

No more taking public showers.

But one of these days you're going to get a physical, and your doctor's going to find out.

And don't worry, I mean, he's not gonna tell his goIf buddies...

..and they're not gonna tell their friends, and they're not gonna tell their friends.

But a couple years down the road you're going to start wondering, do your publishers know?

Do your models know?

Does Janelle know?


God, I'm sweating.

Look, l'll go take a shower and then l'll be out of your life, OK?

I'll find you.

Don't make threats while you're still tied down.

I'm just saying...

What do you expect me to do about it, hmm?

I'm just saying.

The easiest thing for me to do would be to just kill you.

But I already told you I'm not going to do that.

You don't get off that easy, Jeff.

I'm sweating like a pig. Seriously.

Um...I gotta go have a shower, and then when I come back later, maybe we can chat some more.

I'm all here.

TV CHARACTER: Why, you can see it with your very own eyes.

Come on. Come on.


Hey, Trace.

Look, I'm gonna be done, like, so much sooner than I thought, so do you wanna catch a movie or something?


No, I'm not telling you.

Yes, this is Lieutenant Hayley, LAPD.

You're acquainted with a photographer, one Jeffrey Kohlver?

Yes, there's been an incident here.

Is it possible that you can assist us?

I'm not at liberty to discuss that at this moment, ma'am, but it's a very delicate matter and the sooner we can speak with you here, the better chance we have of keeping it out of the newspapers.

We appreciate that.

The address...


Yes, that's the place.

How soon do you think you can be here?


Stand straight.


You're insane.


Which I did tell you when we first met, remember?

Four out of five doctors agree.

Maybe I should ask my therapist.

See what she thinks about it.

Ask her how much it would cost to get a padded cell...


Shut up.


Oh, hello. Is Mr Kohlver here?

Um, he's asleep. Not feeling so well.

I think it's food poisoning.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Are you...

I'm his niece.

Oh, really? Yeah.

Can I ask you something?


I might be a little out of line here.

Do you babysit?

Yeah, yeah. I do. I do.

Um, but I'm only here for, like, a couple more days.

Oh, that's too bad.

I'm on a constant patrol for new babysitters.


Are those... Oh.

Yes. Mr Kohlver's cookies.

My daughter's a Girl Scout and we've been trying to deliver these, but we've always been missing him, so here they are, yummy stuff.


Yeah. Uncle Jeff loves his Girl Scouts, so...

You should probably... What?

Well, pay me.

Oh, right. Yeah. I'm sorry. How much is it?

Six. Six.



Can you just wait here for a second? No problem. Sure.

Here you go. Oh.

Did I hear something?

Yeah, the food poisoning. He's...vomiting and...

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Your cookies. Oh, right. Sorry.

And if you're going to be around any longer, I'm just...I'm three houses down, across.

I can always, always, always use a new sitter.

I wish I could, but... Yeah, me too.


So how's the roof?


You were on the roof.

I was.

Just a little while ago I was trimming my roses and I looked up and I saw you there, I was wondering who it was.

Ah, yeah, we... There's, uh...

We had a leak and I...just thought I'd go up and check.

Your uncle made you go up on the roof?


He's sick and I said I'd go and see if there's, like, a hole or...


Did it rain?

I have to go back to my uncle.

Oh, sure. No problem.

Just tell him Judy Tokuda said hello.

You bet. OK?

You bet. Thanks.

Well...it's yummy stuff.

A leak? That's all you could come up with? Pathetic.

Don't piss me off right now, Uncle Jeff.

She'll be back.

She thinks you're flaky.

You might need help, putting it fucking mildly.

When you got loose...

..did you call the police, did you run for help, like an innocent person would?

I did call. Oh, yeah?

Why don't we just press redial and see?

Face it, Jeff.

You could have gotten away and you didn't.

Now it's so easy.

I leave you here, someone will find you...

..along with the photo of Donna and the confession that I typed on your computer.


..I have a special time-limited offer.

You step off that chair, you end it all, I destroy all the evidence.

No-one will ever know why you killed yourself, not even Janelle.

I didn't kill Donna Mauer. Oh, come on.

We've been over this. Fuck you. I'm not gonna beg.

You mean you're not going to beg again?

Because you do it so well.


Please, pretty please, with a cherry on top.

One that you just had to pop.

You'll leave a clue.

You've messed up once already.

More than once.

Mrs Tokuda's made you.

She's figured you out.

They'll find you.

They might. No. They will.

You'll spend the rest of your life lookin' over your shoulder.

Waking up in the middle of the night, jumping at every noise.

How hard do you think they're going to look for me, really?

I mean, they find a pedophile killer all gift-wrapped for them, do you think they're going to care who did the work?

Do you think they're even gonna bring it up?

And you know what, I will have the biggest legal defense you ever saw.

If everyone who was ever molested sends me $5, oh, come on, l'll be able to afford the best fucking lawyer in the world.

Want the worst case scenario?

Two years of community service.

Jodie Foster directs the movie version of the whole thing.

Who do you want to play you?

Fuck. Fuck.

You didn't leave, did ya?


You don't wanna leave me, do ya?

Where are ya?

We've spent too much time only to walk away.

I know you're not gonna leave.

Come on!

Oh, you're good.

You're so good. You're so fucking good!

You're just like her. You're just like her.

You're all just fucking like her!

You wanna drive a man fucking crazy, then go, until you go out of your fucking mind!

Then go! Go on your fucking way!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!


You're right.

You're right, Hayley.

Thank you. Thank you.

This is me.

This is who I am.

Thank you.

Thank you for helping me see it.

What took you so long?

You dropped this.

I had to. Yeah?

Or you would've been down there forever.

What were you doing, jerkin' off?

Which do you wanna fuck first, me or the knife?

Uh-uh. You know how to use that, huh?

Honor student, remember?

Nothing I can't do when I put my mind to it.

Toss the knife in the backyard!


Or you'll shoot again? Go on, shoot me. Shoot me!

You're not gonna shoot me! It's not me you have to worry about.

It's Janelle.

I called her.

Told her I was Lieutenant Hayley from the LAPD.

How far does she live, Jeff?

Look over there. No, no...

Look over there!

The deal's still open.

You put the noose around your neck, you end this whole game.

I will still clean up all the evidence. You're running out of time!

Or we can wait for her.

And l'll pull off my clothes...

..and I will run into her arms.

What? Unless I hang myself?

I'll find you. I'll track you down!

Assuming you knew anything about me.

What, a Calabasas girl whose dad teaches at UCW shouldn't be that hard to find.

You believed all that?


God! Who are you?

It's hard to say for sure.

Maybe not a Calabasas girl.

Maybe not the daughter of a med school professor.

Maybe not even a friend of Donna Mauer.

Maybe not even named Hayley.

Who the hell are you?!

I am every little girl you ever watched, touched, hurt, screwed, killed.

She's gonna find it, Jeff. No, no.

Jeff, she's gonna find it all.

Put on the noose.

Put on the noose and jump, and l'll stop it.

She'll never find out.

She'll just think you were some sad man...

..some sad man who she never should have left.


Bad things...

Fucking awful things will happen to you in prison.

This is the only way.

You'll wish you'd killed yourself when you had the chance.

It's the only way.

It's the only way, Jeff.


I didn't kill her.

I just watched.

I wanted to take pictures...

..but he wouldn't let me.

It was me and another guy.

I didn't do it. I swear.

I'll tell you his name, and I'll help you find him.

I'll help you find him.

I know his name.

I know his name, Jeff.

You know what's funny?

Aaron told me you did it before he killed himself.

It was him. It wasn't me.

I don't care.


Don't worry.

I promise l'll...l'll take care of it all.

Or not.

♪ Angel, I can see myself in your eyes

♪ Angel, won't you feel for me from your heart?

♪ Ah, do return my heart to me

♪ No, don't insist, I'm already hurt

♪ Elephant girl

♪ It was an accident unfortunate

♪ Angel threw me like a rubber band

♪ Aiming for the ground

♪ Why amuse yourself in such a way?

♪ No, don't insist, I'm already hurt

♪ Lay me down on the ground softly, softly

♪ Don't remove my head, hurts much too much

♪ I really don't think I would miss it

♪ I shed no tears for broken me

♪ Ah, you never know it, my peace of mind

♪ Now inside and outside are matching

♪ Oh, if you never return it

♪ Will it break your wings?

♪ Will you shed no tears for broken me? ♪