Hardbodies (1984) Script

(rock music playing)

"Look at the way the sun"

"Makes 'em play"

"How can you leave them alone?"

"They're on the sand with B-9 in hand"

"Caressing the places unknown"

"Let me tell you I know a place"

"Gonna put a smile on your face"

"They got the tan lines on the skin"

"Watch 'em rub it in"

"Rub it in"

"Can you see the hardbodies?"

"They mean what they say"

"There ain't nobody"

"Standing in my way"

"See the hardbodies do whatever they please"

"And everybody dropping to their knees"

"I don't mind"

"Second to none, breaking out the big guns"

"Waxed up and ready to roll"

"As they go by"

"All the boys wink an eye"

"Then simply lose all control"

"Let me tell you I know a place"

"Gonna make a blind man lead the chase"

"Close as you can get to perfection"

"So take a look in their direction"

"Can you see the hardbodies?"

"They mean what they say"

"There ain't nobody"

"Standing in their way"

"See the hardbodies do whatever they please"

"And everybody, get down on your knees"

"I don't mind, I don't mind"

"Get the boys together and we'll stand in line"

"We like to watch you slide"

"Baby, you can bet"

"You and me ain't never seen the best of it yet"

"Get a load of this"

"Get on on over here"

"Don't get too excited when the boys all cheer"

"For hardbodies, hardbodies" "Hardbodies"

"Don't get too excited when the boys all cheer"

"For hardbodies, hardbodies" "Hardbodies"

"Don't get too excited when the boys all cheer"

"For hardbodies."

(man and woman moaning)

Woman: Scotty. (both panting)

That wasn't too bad.

It was bad, and you know it.

I got a short memory. How about refreshing it?

Scotty. (knocking on door)

(knocking continuing)

Every day. We're not here, man!

Why don't you get that? I'm going to the bathroom.

(knocking continues) Man, perfect timing.

I'm coming. Hold your jets.

(wincing) Damn!

Hey, what's the story?

You're history here, deadbeat. That's the story.

Adios. Your eviction notice. Signed, sealed, delivered in person.

You're gone. What am I, two months behind?

Three months. Today's the first, numbnuts. Goodbye.

Hey, but wait... Not buts. No waits. You're gone.

Adios. So long. Oh, man.

So what was that all about? Nothing. It's handled.


Well, what's the rush? Well, it's after 9:00.

You know my sister... married a worrywart.

You rush off like this, I'm gonna feel used, you know?

Scotty! Not just a one-night stand, am I?

No! Three or four nights, okay? Okay.

You've heard of eggs Benedict, right?

Wait'll you taste eggs Scotty.

All righty, special sauce.

That's gross, Scotty.

Do you have any OJ?

Oh, Scotty.

It's a science project. It's for the landlord.

That is gross.

So how do you like your eggs?

Is over easy okay?

(rock music playing)

Rag, I'm hurting, dude. What?

I said I'm hurting, dude. Can't hear you, dude.

Turn the music down.

(volume decreases)

I said I'm broke. You got that hundred bucks I lent you?

I'm on empty, dude.

Why? You getting hassled? My landlord wants his rent.

I think he keeps his dick in his wallet.

Bummer. Hey, let's run a scam.

No, dude, no scams. I'm sick of scams.

What? The kid?

Stick scammin' jammin' Scotty Palmer? No way!

No, I hate to cop to it, buddy, but the thrill is gone.

Hey, Scotty, Rag! Scotty!


All right! Baby!

So out with it, dude. No, dude. No, dude.

How'd it go with Kristi last night? Come on.

You mean you actually went back with Scotty to his dump.

I can't believe it.

So what happened?

Ragger, a gentleman does not discuss these things.

Yeah, but surfers do. (laughing)

My lips are sealed.

I bet they weren't last night.

What happened last night was like... oh, man.

I can't even put it into words. It was like...



I felt like I was going to explode!


Oh, Scotty!


Mmm, God.

Ooh, you're so...

"Hey, wait a minute"

"Isn't that my Lynette?"

"With that stiff Leroy in his red Corvette?"

(men laughing)


Worms, you horny mutt, get over here.

Come on!

Come on, boy.

Come here. Good boy, you little slut.

Good boy.

That's a good boy.



Get off the towel!

Give me my top!

Come on, dog, give it to me.

Dang it.

Good boy. Good boy, Worms. Good boy, Worms.

Here's your treat. Here's your reward.

Hey, creep, get your fleabag off the beach.

Yeah, and give me back my top, dog meat.

Sure thing, lover girl. I'll even help you put it on.

I'll tie the straps.

Scotty, help! Scotty!

Quick, you guys!

Excuse me. You're gonna have to move on down the beach.

This area's quarantined. Who says so?

I'm Scotty Palmer, pal. I'm head of the geek patrol.

Now you got a license to be geeking on this part of the beach?

Look, this is our beach. We live here.

We don't mind sharing with you. Just don't upset the ladies, okay?

Tell me, dipshit, who's gonna stop me?


My friend Rag here, he's multilingual.

He's flipping you off in 48 languages.

I hope you know karate.

That's one dead mother.

Stop! That thing hurts!


Oh my God. You guys got balls.

I can't believe you knocked down the Gonads' bikes.

What, you're saying the Gonads are assholes?

I can't believe you guys!

Your ass is grass, smiley!

Yeah, my ass is grass, huh?

Come on, let's go!

Later, dudes.

Now have I ever steered you wrong? I'm telling you.

Kimber has got the hots for you.

He's so gross. No way.

I don't know. I think he's kind of cute.

Come on, buddy. You gotta make your move.

She's stuck up, dude. She thinks I'm a scuzz.

Forget it. He's a scuzz, Kristi, no way.

You're a hero now, man. You saved her.

Be Scottifitous, buddy.

Listen, girls... He's such a scuzz.

...we got a serious morale problem.

You know, my brave buddy Rag, he's not feeling very good about himself.

He's just being realistic, Scott. Oh, be realistic, Kimber.

Fuck your friend, okay?

(girls squealing)

You are so cute!

I love your bod.

Did you see that? Those two great-looking girls with that ugly guy?

This could be my kind of beach.

Rounder, did I tell you, man, huh?

Come on, the most beautiful girls in the world are right here.

When you're right, you're right. Am I right?

I don't know how I let you perverts talk me into this.

Ashman, come on, what kind of attitude is that?

You're not wussing out on us, are you?

No, Hunter, it's just all these nubiles make me feel like an old fucker.

You are an old fucker. So are you. So am I. So what?

Look, we spent years getting our businesses to run the way we want 'em so we could come and do this. This is the perfect time to do this.

Yeah, well, I've seen more than one old bull blow out his balls and his brains at the same time.

That's definitely giving it your best shot.

(imitates bull mooing) (imitates gunshot)

Let's go!

(tires squealing)

Gentlemen, I know you'll love this place.

We call this our divorcee special.

Hey, baby, hey hey.

Good thing our ex-wives didn't get here first.

Four bedrooms... one with a waterbed and three with extra firm mattresses.

That's a real comfort to me, suffering as I do from a herniated lower lumbar.

Really? How'd that happen?

What's Ash suffering from?

A bent wanger. Bent wanger? Bummer.

Well, dip my skinny.

Is this great?

I can't wait to see Barnes' and the guys from the club's faces when they see this.

Hey, Hunter, we agreed, man... no business cronies. This thing's strictly for pleasure.

You're right.

We'll take it. Great.

Let's go sign the lease.

Party party party party!

"When I'm on the beach"

"Where I belong, yeah!"


Hunter: Nuh-uh-uh. That one.

With the tongue?

Trust me. That's you.

Okay, floozy patrol on the beach in a half-hour.

Be there or be square.

I think I'm just gonna hang around here and kind of straighten things out a little bit.

Yeah, there's only one thing I wanna get straightened out.

Come on, Ashman, we're all going.

Hi. Greetings. I saw you guys move in.

I thought you might like a little help.

I don't think so, but thanks.

What about your cars? You want me to detail them for you?

Chicks around here, they really like 'em looking good.

Okay, great, go ahead. Detail 'em.

All right.

What's detailed?

I don't know, but chicks love it.

(girls speaking indistinctly)

Hey, great car. Really!

It belong to your old man?

You kidding? This is my car.

You wish. You wish. You wish.

No shit. It's my house too, right here.

Oh, right. Really?

And I'm Miss America.

No, I swear to God. I inherited it.

Both: Really?

My folks were anthropologists. About a year ago they got killed on a field trip to New Guinea.

Oh, God, that... Really?

They got ambushed by headhunters.

You mean like... (mimics cutting)

Yeah. Girls: Eww!

Yeah, it messed me up real bad for a while.

Yeah, ever since I haven't been able to have any kind of sexual relations.

No sex.

Giving head doesn't sound like very much fun anymore.


Well... maybe we can help you out.

"No one ever done me"

"Done me like she does"

"I gotta have some of your love"

"Losin' it..."

(bell rings) Hi.



(bell rings)

I like ringing your bell.

Most guys do.

Right on.

I just rented the hippest house on the beach.

I got some bitchen cars, too.

You wanna party?

What do you have in mind?

Whatever turns you on... a little wine, Jacuz-arooski, sex.

How much are you gonna pay me?

You're kidding. (laughs)

I don't pay for sex.

And I don't fuck fossils for free.

"Ooh, sweet little girl"

"I can't get enough of you"

"Ooh, sweet little girl"

"I can't get enough of you"

"Mmm! Little girl"

"I can't get enough"


Jogging's fun, isn't it?

Especially alone.

I usually jog 10 miles in the morning, 10 at night.

You must be in great shape.

I'm a marathon runner. World class.

You wanna race to the pier?


You wanna bet on it?

Sure. What do you wanna bet?

If you beat me, eat me.

"Ooh, yeah! Ooh, yeah!"

"Ooh, yeah! Ooh, yeah!"

"Ooh, yeah! Ooh, yeah!"

"Ooh, yeah! Ooh, yeah!"

"Ooh, yeah! Ooh, yeah!"

"Ooh, yeah! Ooh, yeah!"

"Ooh, yeah! Ooh, yeah!"

"Ooh, yeah! Ooh, yeah!"

(wheezes) You all right?

I'm fine. I'm fine.

Just trying to give you a little lead. A little...

"East, west, coast to coast"

"Tearing it up in a weekend bar"

"Smile for the camera, boy..."

Boys, the pond was dry or I'm using the wrong kind of bait.

Yeah, I landed a tight little blonde.

Had to throw her back. She was jailbait.

Good. No jailbait.

Agreed? Both: Agreed.

How old was she? 15.

15? I have underwear 15 years old.

(car approaching) Hey, wait a minute.

That sounds like my car.

That was so much fun!

Oh, God, we gotta do it again.

Yes, when are we gonna go up in your plane, huh?

I don't know. Maybe next week. I should have my Lear jet by then.

That was so much fun. I was so scared when you were going around.

Shh. When you get a chance, we'd like to have a word with you, please.

I'll see you guys. I gotta run.

No, one more ride. My neighbor needs some advice.

When Scotty Palmer talks...

Girls: Bullshit walks! Okay.

God, Scotty. Bye, Scotty.

Hey, listen, guys, about the car.

I just took it for a little spin to blow off the water spots.

Of course. And the girls, they were there to buff the upholstery, right?

You know that thing is like a magnet for hardbodies.


What's a hardbody?

Hardbodies. You know, the little foxes down on the beach.

Scotty, you mind if I ask you a personal question?

Sure, shoot.

How did you manage to pick up all those girls?

I didn't pick them up. I dialogued them.

Dialogued them?

Yeah, I gave them a little dose of the old BBD.

BBD? That's not like herpes, is it?

BBD... it's the bigger and better deal.

You guys don't get it, do you?

These chicks are locals.

They want something better out of life.

That's a faster car, a richer boyfriend.

Hotter action, that's the BBD.

Oh, that's great.

Scotty, could you teach someone like us to dialogue girls the way you do?

It's easy. Any slob can dialogue a girl.

Then teach me. Look, I'm not a pimp, okay?

Come on, Scotty. Nobody said you were a pimp.

We don't want you to pimp for us. All we want you to do is teach us how to get girls for ourselves.

I don't know, guys. Sounds kind of lame.

Speaking of bigger and better deals, how would you like to live here in this house?

It's the best house on the beach.

Drive our cars whenever you want?

Live in luxury, like a king of the beach.

Are you guys fags?

Yeah, I'm the Queen of France, and these are the D'Angelo sisters.

Come on, Scotty. We're perfectly straight, man.

That's the problem. We're too straight.

All we're interested in are hardbodies, and we want you to teach us how to get them.

To dialogue 'em.

And BBD 'em.

And for that, you get the run of the house for as long as you like.

I don't know.

It just doesn't sound solid to me.

We might be willing to pay you.

You're making me sound like a pimp again.

How much?

Let's say $500 a month walking around money.

I think I could walk a lot with $750.

$500 is tops.

I don't know, guys. It sounds kind of sleazy.

But I'll tell you what...

I will sleep on it and get back to you tomorrow.


Sweet dreams.

(tires screeching)



(dog snarling) (Scotty screams)

(mimics barking)


Man: So long, numbnuts.

Read this.

Hey! You ate.


Hey, guys, I got great news.

I thought about this thing all night.

I decided I'm gonna help you guys out and for only $600 a month.


I sensed a strong aura of need around here, and what can I say? I'm a giving type of guy.

You've got yourself a deal. All right.

So when do we start?

We already have.

Get out of here.

Excuse me, little darling.

How'd you like to go suck down a couple of cold beers?

Piss off, schmuck.


See that, Ash?

No matter how mellow it comes out, it's still a line.

These chicks are black and blue from getting hit by lines.

You gotta give 'em something fresh. Like what, buddy?

The dialogue. The whole purpose is to throw them off-guard.

I think it's time I gave you guys a little demonstration.

Hunter: All right, let's go. Okay, come on.

What's the matter, boys?

Don't you find me attractive?

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm okay. I was just watching this incredible-looking blonde skate.

I wasn't looking what l... I...

Oh, God, wow.

Oh, you're the good... you're...

I am really embarrassed.

I can't believe I just said all that.

I am really embarrassed. You were really watching me when you tripped? I started watching you all the way up the beach over there.

You are absolutely beautiful.

You're a model, right?

No, I wanna be, but right now I'm just waiting tables for a living.

You are waiting tables.

Well, listen, we are having a party on Saturday night and practically every modeling agent in this city is gonna be there.

And I bet you they'd love to meet you.

Really? That sounds great.

Look, I'm Scotty Palmer. I'm Angie.

Listen, the address is 202 Ocean Way, okay?

These are my friends, by the way.

They're gonna be there. I'm gonna be there.

Thank you very much. Thank you for being so beautiful.

See you Saturday. Saturday.

Bye, guys. Bye.

Scotty: You're up, big buddy. Rounder: Me?

You. What do I do?

Just go for it. Go for it.

Go for it. Just like I did. Like you did.

(bell rings) (screams)

Rounder, you get an "A" for enthusiasm, but an "F" for technique.

How about a "J" for jerkoff? (guys laughing)

You know what? I think it's time I took you guys to the ultimate place for meeting women... a hidden valley of hardbodies.

And the only thing you need to know to gain entry are the secret passwords...

"Let's go shopping."

Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Feast your eyes, guys.

They're alone. They're off-guard.

These chicks are ready to be dialogued.

Look at you guys... dumpy, frumpy and lumpy.

We've gotta do something about the way you guys look.

Mr. Ashby, you're next.

Hey, son, I'd as soon have an inch cut off my dick than get my hair cut here.

Whatever turns you on, Tex.

"Somebody's getting you down"

"Well, you know, it's just how things go"

"Get up, your Saturday night"

"Where you'll know you'll be all right, girl"

"Well, you don't know what you're doing without"

"Well, let me show you what I'm talking about"

"I see the boys on the block"

"And they ask me where you're at, girl"

"I say you're wasting your time"

"Better get on up to bat, girl"

"Well, you don't know"

"What we're talking about"

"And I don't know"

"But we'll figure it out"

"And I keep wanting to say"

"Hello hello hello!"

"Come on and step in my ride"

"We'll go downtown and dance away"

"Hello hello hello!" (chanting)

"We're gonna make it all right"

"Hey, girl, you've got it anyway..." All: Break!

"He gives you all of his lines"

"Makes you think he's some big actor"

"Meanwhile, he's running around"

"And you know just what he's after"

"Well, he don't know"

"What you're really about, let him go"

"And let him figure it out"

"Don't waste your time by the phone"

"Come on, grab your shoes and hat, girl"

"Go show the boys on the block"

"Just exactly where you're at, girl"

"'Cause you don't show what you're thinking about"

"Hey, girl, you know that it's gonna work out"

"Yeah! And I keep on saying"

"Hello hello hello!"

"Come on and step in my ride"

"We'll go downtown and dance away"

"Hello hello hello!"

"We're gonna make it all right"

"Hey, girl, you've got it anyway"

"Don't gotta make no obligation"

"Just gotta get the situation"

"Get it over and over"

"And over and over"

"Hello hello hello!"

"Come on and step in my ride"

"We'll go downtown and get away."


All right!

Yes, Lord!

(rock music playing)

Hi, there. Hi.

How's the house working out? Great. Having a ball.

I bet. How's the hunt for hardbodies going?

You know, it's the thrill of the chase. We're not taking it serious or anything.

Big Kahuna to Southern Comfort.

You read me, Southern Comfort? Come on.

Loud and clear, Big Kahuna.

There's a hot little hardbody heading your way right now.

Why don't you intercept her and show her no mercy?

Roger, Big Kahuna. Out.

Southern Comfort. Is that your handle?


I'm a little aged, but I go down smooth.

Hey, Lana, watch this.

Neat, huh?

Will you tell Kristi that I came by to say hello?

Sure thing, Candy.

Thanks. Bye.





Is that any way to treat the men in your lives?

We're only paying you back.

Rag: Paying us back for what? Tell him.

We have been hit on over five times today by your stupid geek squad.

Yeah, Scotty, how's the pimp biz?

Hey, now that is unfair, okay? That's below the belt.

Really? Word down on the beach is you've moved in with a bunch of sex geezers.

They might be old, ugly and horny, but actually they're very nice guys.

Hard-ups with hard-ons.

There's a lot of that going around.

Listen, I need to talk to Kristi for a minute.

We'll be right back. I'll wait out here.

I'll keep Kimberly company.

I'm not lonely, Rag.

But I am.

What's the big deal? You'll see.

Brewski? No, thanks.

I'm watching my figure.

Yeah, me too.

This room is all mine.

Can you stand it? Just barely.

What are all those knobs for?

Scotty: I don't know.

You mean you haven't used them yet?


Let's see. This is the master.

And this.



And now for some ocean motion.

(water gurgling)

Oh, too cool!

Perfect wave right in my own room.

And now for some atmosphere.

(disco music playing)

Oh, far fucking out.

The best is yet to come.

Slow this thing down a little bit. I'm starting to get seasick.

Now, Scotty, get ready for the big bang.

How do you know about all this stuff?

Hey, you've been around. I've been around.

And who with?

(laughing) What's so funny?

My sister.

Yeah, Lana, she rents this place out.

I've been here lots of times.

Is everything turned on now?

Everything is now.


"You called your friends and they're coming on over"

"The party is on, the party's on!"

"We might get crazy, but we won't get sober"

"The party is on, the party's on!"

"Well, you can bet your life"

"And you'd better watch your wife"

"And we'll be feeling all right"

"Yeah, the party's on tonight"

"Well, we're gonna party till the day after, baby"

"The party is on, the party's on!"

"The girls I know will drive you crazy"

"The party is on, the party's on!"

"Well, you can bet your life"

"Nobody will be walking right"

"And we'll be feeling all right"

"Yeah, the party's on tonight!"

Hi. Heart attack.

Heart attack, my ass. With pleasure.

Hey, Rag, got a party about to happen, dude. Where's the band?

Bad news, dude. They just called.

They're playing a bar mitzvah in Encino.

Well, dude, we need a band. What are we gonna do?

Wait a second. I got it.

What? Where are you going?

(rock music playing)

"Yeah yeah!"

"He's got the body"

"Yeah yeah!"

"Computer madness"

"He'll pull the plug"

"Computer madness"

"He'll pull the plug"

"Computer madness"

"Computer madness"

"Computer madness"

"Computer madness."


I hope you're not here to complain about the noise.

No way. You guys, you're awesome.


What record company you guys record for?

We don't have a label.

We can't even get a gig. (drum roll)

Well, you know what, girls?

I got a feeling something's right around the corner.

Band: Oh, yeah? Yeah!

(rock music playing)

"By the phone"

"All alone"

"Will he call?"

"Or will he stall?"

"You want some fun?"

"Another one"

"String that bait"

"While you wait"

"Don't you feel bad about it?"

"You just can't live without him"


"When will you"

"Be by his side?"

"By his side?"

"Maria, when will you"

"Be satisfied? Be satisfied?"

"Maria, when will you"

"Be by his side?"

"By his side?"


"When will you be satisfied?"

"Be satisfied?"


"When will you"

"Be by his side?"

"By his side?"


Thank you.

Thank you. All right.

We'd like to dedicate this next number to our new manager, Mr. Party himself...

Scotty Palmer!

All right, man, right on!

I didn't know you manage bands.

Stick around, baby. Surprise is my middle name.

What's the name?

The band, what's the name?

Diaper Rash.

That sucks. Change the name, call me tomorrow. We'll have lunch.

"Be with you"

"They want to be with me" "They want to be with you"

"They want to be with me"

"They want to be with you" "They want to be with me..."

Howdy. Howdy.

I'm Carlton Ashby.

Cool name. I'm Michelle.

Michelle, what do you do?

Well, that all depends on who I'm with.

No, I mean what kind of work do you do?

I teach aerobics. How about you, Carlton?

Fertilizer's my game.

I own a manure factory in Texas.

You mean like... Cow shit.


100% grade "A" finger-licking good pasture patties to sprinkle on your rose bushes.

I love it. Mom always used to warn me about bullshit artists, but she never told me how to handle a cowshit king.

Speaking of good shit...

I can't believe it. Oh, my dress.

It's ruined. It'll never come out.

You know what? If you soak that right away, there's a chance. But I'll have to take it off.

Ricki... Nicki.

Nicki, of course. Look, the bathroom's right over there.

Okay, thanks.

Listen, Nicki, I am really sorry, okay?

I feel like such a klutz. I can't believe it.

We were talking and someone pushed me.

I don't even know how it happened.

That's okay. You've been really sweet.

Robert E Lee.


You remind me of Robert E Lee.

I like to nickname my men before I fuck them.

Just like that?

Whatever became of romance?

(Southern accent) Why, Ashby darling, you want romance? Read a novel.

(normal voice) You want me?

I'm upstairs.

(gasps) Party time! Ba-ba!

You creep! You totally lied to me.

Hold on a second. Hey, what did I do?

You said there would be modeling agents here.

Gee, no, you must have got here right after they left.

Bullshit! That was just a line.

No, it's true, really. Look, I got an idea.

Why don't we go upstairs and take some pictures?

Then I could send them to the agents. They're all my good friends.

Yeah. Oh, really?

Really. No, really.

Come on, let's go.

Modeling agents? Scotty.

How about just right over there by the bed? That'll be good.

I'm not taking my clothes off.

No no no. Just a face shot.

I know what I'm doing.

The lens cap is on.

Huh? The lens cap.

Hey, what's going on in here?

Taking pictures for a modeling agency.

Yeah? Will you take a few of me?

Sure. The more the merrier.

Hey, is this the modeling agency that's taking pictures?

Mm-hmm. Can I join?


Come on, take some more of me.

Over here! Me!

So how's that photographer doing?

Great. He's already taken a hundred pictures.

He hasn't reloaded once. Really?

Ooh, great picture.

I've got a great body, too.

That's nothing. My body is better.

"Computer madness"

"Yeah yeah!"

"He's got the body"

"Yeah yeah!"

"Computer madness"

"He'll pull the plug"

"Computer madness"

"He'll pull the plug"

"Computer madness"

"Computer madness"

"Computer madness"

"Computer madness..."

Hey, Kristi. That's disgusting.

I can't believe you could stand there and watch.

And you really think it's funny, don't you?

Kristi, nobody's getting hurt. It's just a yuck.

(gong bongs)

(imitating Tarzan's yell)

And what's that? Another yuck?

It must be something chemical when you turn 30.

Well, I don't think it's funny.

I think all these guys are jerks, and I don't want to be around them.


Hey, come on, don't go.

I was kind of hoping we were gonna spend the night together.

Why? So that you could get up afterwards and do your Tarzan imitation, too?

No, thanks, Scotty.




Ash, Ash!

(blows raspberries) Oh, God!

Morning. Good morning.

What time is it?


Oh, 6:00.

Come on, time to rise and shine.

I'm more likely to stoop and puke.

My liver's staging a major coup d'état.

Come on! It's a perfect day for a marathon.

First we'll make love, then we'll go for a jog and then we can come back and make love again till we bounce off the walls. (shrieking)


Good morning.

What's the matter with Rounder?

He spend the night with Candy last night.


Good morning, fellas. Get your rocks off last night?

What did she do, bite his wanger off?

No, he's got a case of blue balls... you know, love nuts.

Get out of here.

Can anyone think of something good for breakfast?

She's a real space module, buddy.

On the beach, we call her "Candy Wrapper."

Candy Wrapper?

Yeah, she melts in your ear, not in your hand.

She talks sex nonstop. She won't put out.

Oh! Excuse me, I...


Come on, you wuss! Let's do five more miles!

Go ahead, I'll catch up with you.

Congratulations. I see you made your big score.

Yeah. Enjoying yourself?

Yeah, Michelle's a spunky little filly. Keeps me off my can.

You look a little tired.

Well, you know what they say... no pain, no gain.

Well, you'd better start pumping 'cause your little filly's halfway around the track. Oh God.

See you around. All right.

('80s pop music playing)

Come on, come on. Tuck it in, tuck it in.

Tuck it in. Straighten that back now.

Straighten that back. Looking good, looking good.

Come on, Mickey. What are you, a sissy?

That's only 50 lbs. Push it, girl.

Push it, come on.

Come on. Come on.

Hey, I love ya.

20 more, go gobble some protein.

Oh! Mr. Manager. Rocco.

Hey, I like your girls. They sound good, they look good.

Tell me, do they screw good? (laughs)

Now don't tell me... I like ladies with mystery.

Hey Rocco, I got a new name for the band.

Yeah, good, 'cause that other name...

"Diarrhea," whatever... made me sick and I'm not what you'd call a queasy kind of guy.



Yeah, it means the perfect little foxes down on the beach.

Yeah, l... I like it.

Listen, that goes with my concept.

I want to promote your band and my bodybuilders on one ticket.

That sounds different. Definitely.

Hey, shit, it's a marriage made in fucking heaven.

Listen, guys are sick of wimpy broads.

Look at these hamstrings, these gluteus maximus, the spinal erectus... this is the body of the '80s.

So what do you say, kid?

We stage an exhibition on the beach, Hardbody Spectacular?

All right. (laughing)

Okay. Now, listen, bring your friends around tonight and we'll party here, huh?

Beer, wine, booze, pizza... all on Rocco.

Listen, kiddo, I always treat my business partners right.

May God rest their souls.

Kimberly, which one do you think I should wear?

The pink one. Scotty said we should wear our best.

Yeah, well, I really don't think I feel like going out with Scotty after what happened at the party.

Yes, you do. (rock music playing)

You know you got the hots for him.

I'm the one making the sacrifice.

I have to go out with Rag!

Oh, Rag, you're so... All right!

"Do you love me? Do you love me?"

"Do you love me? Do you, do you really love me?"

(both scream)

"Tell me, tell me, tell me"

"Do you really love me?"

(giggling) "Mr. Cool Mystery..."

What are you doing?

Why do guys like boobs?

Why do guys like boobs? I don't know why guys like boobs.

But they sure go crazy trying to get at 'em though, don't they?

Yeah, but they don't do anything.

They just lie there.


I know why they like 'em.

'Cause they don't have 'em.


Come here, okay, can you imagine Rag in a set of double-D...

(both chattering, laughing)

Hey dude, are you for real?

Fuckin'-A right, girl.

Not too bad for starters, Scotty.

The best is yet to come.

Oh my God! (shouting, laughing)

Oh God, you guys.

Come on, guys, get in. This is unbelievable!

Ooh, champagne!

What are we drinking to? Tonight, we drink to the finest things in life.

What are those things?

Fast cars. Fast women.

Fast food. (all laughing)

Rag, the window!

Oh! All right!

Pop that baby open!

Whoo! (all shouting, hooting)

(pops) Whoo!

('80s pop music playing)

"Night time's the right time"

"For making it work on the street"

"Thrown in the corner"

"You just don't know who you might meet"


"Rocking behind..."

Yeah! (laughing)

Whoo! Yee-haw!

"For giving up the ride"

"It's satisfaction, all right"

"All right..."

(coughs) (laughs)

"Came to this place with a smile on my face"

"And desire"

"Walk through the door and then out on the floor"

"With the fire"

"Always play it cool, ooh"

"I'm no fool"

"But I must confess..."

Nice dress. "She's got me hot and cold"

"Now I'm sold"

"When things look that good"

"Her name up in lights"

"She's a woman in motion"

"Causing commotion"

"I've got the notion"

"Huh! She's squeezing an ocean"

"Let me see a woman in motion"

"Woman in motion"

"Causing commotion, causing commotion"

(screams) "I've got the notion"

"Say what?" "She's a woman in motion"





Ride 'em, cowboy!


You've got to admit, they're not such bad guys after all.

But I'd rather be alone with you!

('80s pop music playing) "Baby, don't try to talk light"

"Blame it on these arms that held you tight"

"Blame it on these hands that touched your skin"

"Blame it on the heart that loves to sin"

"Blame it on this man"

"I'll take 'em down"

"Blame it on me"

"I feel no shame"

"I did it"

"And I'm glad"

"I did it, 'cause I'm a man"

"I did it"

"And I'm glad"

"So don't look at me like I'm so bad..."

(whistles) That's 10 big weenies and cheese...

10 large fries, 10 large colas and 10 apple turnovers.

Anything else I can get you? Yeah, what's your name?

Dede. We'll have one fresh Dede to go.

I wish. I don't get off till 2:00.

Hey, come on, Dede!

It's now or never!

All right, Dede! Girls: Whoo-hoo! Whoo!

"I did it, I did it"

Head 'em up!

Move 'em out!


"I'll take the blame"

"Blame it on me"

"I'll feel no shame"

"She was a young thing"

"In the prime of her life"

"Standing there looking"

"As cute as could be"

"So I walked on over"

"And asked her name"

"I'm still not believing"

"What she said to me"

""I don't fuck fossils for free"

"Old man"

"I don't fuck fossils for free"

"So just go on home"

"And take matters in hand"..."


""'Cause I don't fuck fossils for free.""

Oh, Hunter, give me your big throbbing love bud.

My flower needs watering from the hydrant in your loins.

Ooh, I'm gonna hydrantize your flowering bud like you can't believe.

(screams) No!

Keep your hands off of me! What the hell is the matter with you?

Am I crazy? One minute you beg me for it and the next minute I can't touch you.

I'm sorry.

I like lots of foreplay.

For how long, a week?

('80s rock music playing)


I can never get one of these things undone.

Well, that's because there's nothing to get undone.

(laughs) Wait... wait a sec.

I thought you said you were 29, but how could you have a kid who's 18?

It was, uh, one of those arranged deals.

Gee, I thought I started fast, but I've never met a guy who got a girl pregnant at nine.

You must have been an early developer.

God, Rounder, it's so big and scary.

Touch it again, it's been so long.

Kiss me, Hunter.

Thrust your heat-seeking missile between my lips.

(screams) Oh, I'm so sorry!

Candy, I can't believe I did that. I'm so clumsy.

You know what? You know what?

If you take that off right now and soak it, there's a chance it won't stain.

I have to take it off first.

(unzips) (stops playing)

Whatever happens, don't stop playing. Deal?


(playing increasingly faster)


Oh, Rounder, I'm climbing the mountain!

Oh! Climb it!

(playing very quickly)

Oh, Rounder!

Get to the top!

(screaming) Get to the top!

(strings snap)


Want some more champagne?


Okay, you stay right here, sexy. I'll be right back.


(shouts) (screams)

Help! Get away from me!

(screaming) Get away!

Someone! Come on!

Let go! Cut it out!


Come on! Would you get out of here?!

Hey hey! Hunter! That's enough, man!

Leave her alone! What are you doing here?

Hunter, she says no, she means no.

Scotty, I think I can handle this. No, I know you can handle it.

Give me a break, will you, Scotty? I don't need your advice this time.

I mean it. Leave her alone.


That's it, man. That's it! All right?

The deal's off!

If that's the way you want it.

You've got till noon to get your stuff out, all right?

He, uh... he tricked me into taking my clothes off.

Candy, why do you keep on talking dirty to guys?

Huh? It gets their attention.

Yeah, and don't you see what it does?

You talk dirty to 'em, they get turned on, then all they want to do is fuck you.

I just want them to like me, Scotty.



Oh, hi, Hunter.

You look lonesome. Not really, Scotty's coming right back.

Um, I don't think so.

As a matter of fact, he sent me up here to keep you company.

Buy you a drink?

What's that supposed to mean?

It means that he's indisposed.


Yeah. I guess, uh... he figured, you know, what the hell?

Tit for tat. My tits for whose tat?

Candy's. (laughs)

You're kidding. He's taking a crack at her right now.

I don't believe you.

Well, go ahead and see for yourself.

They're right down there.

You don't know what it's like when people call you names like... airhead, dingaling, yo-yo, bimbo.

There's no way you can know that, Scotty.

(crying) Come here, baby.

It's okay, baby.

Ragger, I got no idea what ticks her off.

She's acting weird to me all the way home, she runs out of the car, she slams the door right...

Hello? Uh, yes, please.

Uh, one dozen long-stemmed red roses to Kristi Kelly.

Uh, just put "Love, Scotty" on the card.

Thank you.

It's 11:25.

You've got 35 minutes to get your stuff out.

You know something, Hunter?

You're really a freak of evolution.

You got no balls, but you're such a big prick.

Rag, let's get the fuck out of here, now. This is totally bogus.

A bunch of lame farts anyway.

(doorbell rings)

Oh, those are beautiful. Thank you.

Bye. Bye bye.

"Do you love me? Do you love me?"

"Do you love me? Do you, do you really love me?"

"Tell me, tell me, tell me"

"If you really love me"

"Mr. Cool Mystery"

"Mr. Cool Mystery"

"I said do you love me, Mr. Cool Mystery?"

"Don't give me that silent treatment..."

Wow, Kimber Kong.

I talked to Kristi.


She said she'll meet you here in 20 minutes.

That's perfect. Great.

Wait a minute, buddy. Huh?

She said if you make a scene, she's gonna split.

Wait, hold on. Hey, Kimber, come on!

What I do, miss a date or something? What, I got brain damage?

You said it, I didn't.

Kimber, come on, this is Scotty, remember?

Come on, tell me. Why is Kristi so pissed off at me?

You're busted, buddy.

She saw you on the beach last night making your moves on Candy.

What?! Yeah.

Hey, Kimberly, check this one out.

Oh! Fuck! Aw.

Great! A dumbbell with a dumbbell.

"Don't call and say you need him"

"And then not show up 'cause you're leaving..."

Scotty, my man, what's going?

These girls are too fucking much! Out of fucking sight!

Hot fucking shit! I couldn't have said it better.

I couldn't have said it better.

I gotta go backstage and pump up one of the girls.

"Do you love me? Do you love me?"

"Do you love me? Do you, do you really love me?"

(hard rock music blaring from boombox)

"Do you really love me?"

Hey, get those bimbos off the stage!

Yeah, get off, bimbos! Yeah, what are you doing?

Suck shit!

Jerkoff, you turn that blaster off now!

What did you say, dickhead? You want me to turn it up?


(cracks, boombox music stops) Hey, you son of a bitch!

I'll rip your fuckin' head off!

"I'm not sure, 'cause you're leaving me..."

(all shouting)

Get him!

"'Cause it's my heart that you're holding"

"Do you love me? Do you love me?"

"Do you love me? Do you, do you really love me?"

"Tell me, tell me, tell me"

"If you really love me"

"Mr. Cool Mystery"

"Mr. Cool Mystery"

"I said do you love me"

"Mr. Cool Mystery?"

"Don't say you're sorry, please"

"'Cause you're dragging me down"

"On your knees"

"I don't know what is left anyway"

"Whoa, Mr. Cool Mystery"

"Is this a dream or is it real?"


"Mr. Cool Mystery"

"Yeah, Mr. Cool Mystery"

"Do you love me? Do ya?"

"Mr. Cool Mystery"

"Do ya? Do you want me,"

"Mr. Cool Mystery?"

"Do you love me, Mr. Cool"


(bell clangs)

Oh, dude.

Where you been?

(moans) You stood Kristi up.

Was she pissed? Nah.

(sighs) She said there's no point in being pissed at somebody she don't care about.

(laughs) I hit an all-time low, dude.

No, you didn't. Kristi went to Hunter's.


Yeah, she said he's got a lot more class than amateur boy like you.

Oh, man. That wuss.

That wuss! Oh, man.

Come on.

Kristi, broken hearts come with the territory.

(smooth jazz music playing)

That's love.

In fact, that's life. I don't always want to be worrying about Scotty.

I mean, you know, there's other things that I'd like to do with my life. It's the same thing in business.

You get fucked over all the time until you're successful. Even then.

You want to be a designer? That's a "fuck you" business with a capital "fuck you." You'd better get used to it.

Here he comes.

You know, I never imagined it to be like that.

Sure, are you kidding? They're animals.

They lay awake at night thinking up new ways to fuck you.

You won't even know the names of half the people that'll line up to do it to you.

You really think I get screwed that much?

Mm-hmm. Up the wazoo... by every Tom, Dick and Harry.

But if it's really what you want...

Well, I think that's all that'll satisfy me right now.

Dude, she's slipping fast.

Then go for it. You look like you could use a refill.

Pinot? Yeah, thanks, that'd be great.

Kristi. Scotty.

I want to talk to you, Kristi... alone, for only two minutes.

Two minutes? I waited for you for two hours this afternoon.

I can explain about that.

Oh, I bet you can. You've got a way with words.

It's called lying. And what are you doing, huh?

Auditioning for Hunter's orgy gang?

Now where do you get off talking to me like that?

Kristi! Scotty.

Social climbing I see.

How about a drink before you go?


Sorry you couldn't stay longer!

Jealousy's some weird shit. Right now I feel like carving my initials in Hunter's back.

Yeah, I know what you mean. I once caught my old lady giving a hummer to some cowboy.

I laid a serious hurting on his ass.

What'd you do to her?

I really punished her... I married her.


I hate him.

Hunter... he's a creep.

Not Hunter, Scotty.

What about Scotty? He just makes me so mad sometimes!

I don't know. All my scams are backfiring, blowing up in my face. I'm sick of this.

Yeah, I know what you mean, son.

A man gets tired of peeing on his own shoes.

I start missing him.

And I miss his cute little smile.

He's not a creep.

The way he looks at me and the way he touches me.

Kristi, I think you have a serious problem.


Little sister, you're in love.


(dog barking)

(rock music playing)

Whoo! Yeah!

Scotty, how's it going? Hey, what's happening?

Hey, listen you guys.

I want to make this fast, I want to be honest.

I'm no band manager.

Come on, Scotty, you're a great one!

Scotty, where you been? I was beginning to think you was a flake.

I need your John Hancock on these papers.

What papers?

Rocco got us a gig... opening act at the Forum.

For the Miss Muscles contest!

Yeah! Whoo!

Oh man. Can I tell him the rest of the news?

Uh-huh. Rocco's putting up some money and we're gonna record a demo. What can I tell ya?

I'm the tooth fairy of rock 'n' roll.

Plus we got a show tonight at your place, Ash.

Party! Party!

(clapping, cheering)

Farns, bring anybody you think might be a possible investor.

Yeah, there'll be plenty of girls.

All right. I'll see you at 8:00 sharp. (door sliding open)

Hey, Farns, don't forget to take your wheat germ. You're gonna need it.


Well, look what the cat dragged in.

I thought we had an agreement... no guys from the club.

Oh come on, Ash. Lighten up, man.

We've got girls coming out of our ears.

You're missing the point.

This is supposed to have been for fun.

Now you're bringing business into it.

Well, so what?

Hey, Ash, how are you doing?

Just fine, Rounder.

And one more thing, I don't like what you're trying to pull with Kristi.

Hey, I haven't touched her.

What, you're playing it cool, huh?

I spill no wine before it's time.

(both chuckle)

You're a sick man.

That's not funny.

She and Scotty, they got a real thing going on.

Now you're trying to fuck it up.

What are you, her den mother?

She's old enough to make up her own mind.

Not when she doesn't have all the facts.

What are you talking about? What facts?

The fact that you're an asshole. I'm an asshole?!

Yeah, you're an asshole! I'm an asshole?!

You're an asshole! You're an asshole!

You guys want to see an asshole? I'll show you an asshole!

Come on, guys. Lighten up.

We've got a party to get ready for here.

Not me, I'm out of this scene.

Old Hunter's using this party tonight to profiteer.

Ain't much I can do about except just not be a part of it.

Well, partner, just might be something old Rag and me here can do about it.

Yeah, I think we can think of something cool.

(both laugh)

(rock music playing)

"You told me"

"You sold me"

"Controlled me"

"And I believed you when you pleaded"

"And you said that I would be good"

"Well, fuck you"

"You bought me"

"You taught me..."

Kristi, let's get out of here.

Come on, let's just hang around another hour, okay?

Besides, I promised Hunter we'd stay.

An hour? There's gonna be nothing left of us except a pile of white bones.


Makes those bimbos in Vegas look like corn-fed hogs.

I gotta learn how you do it. Of course you do, Farns.

And so does every other lonely guy out there in America.

It's a natural for cable TV.

Wait'll you hear the name. This is gonna kill you.

You ready? Go ahead. "Hunting With Hunter."

Is that great or what? Rounder: Every week, we send Hunter out to dialogue a bunch of new hardbodies.

And Rounder does the BBD update.

And all we need's a couple of hundred thousand dollars for a pilot.

Money is no problem. I love the concept.

You've got a deal.

We got a deal. We got a deal.

All right, it's party time!

You guys are cool. I knew you'd dig it.

Rag, you're okay. We've got to invite you the next time we give a party.

Yeah man, we love to drink a lot of beer!

And light a lot of farts!

(dog barking) Wow, that's cool.

Yeah, let's party! Yeah!

(all shouting) Party!

Hang back.

Okay, that's Hunter right there in the white jumpsuit.

Woman: Got it.

(laughing) Okay, guys, don't start anything until this party starts to fizzle though, okay?

When are we gonna know when that is?

You'll know. All right.

Hey, all right, how we doing?

Having a good time.

Kristi, do me a favor, will ya? I want you to meet a business friend of mine I have here.

Just show him a good time, okay?

Show him a good time?

No, not show him a good time, show him a good time.

Oh barf. Give me a break, will you, Kimberly?

Farns, come here, I want you to meet some friends of mine.

Oh, double barf.

Uh, Farnsey, this is Kimberly; Kimberly, this is Farnsey.

Farnsey, this is Kristi; Kristi, Farnsey.

Well now, hello, Kristi.

My friends call me Farnsey, my enemies call me collect. (laughing)

A funny man. Funny rich man.

(both laugh)

Funny girls. Such funny...

(chuckles) Wait.

Kristi. Kristi!

(gasps) Oh shit!

What a shame!

Hey, you know there's a chance that won't stain if we soak it right away.

So why don't you go upstairs with me and wring it out?

You can? Okay.

"Come on, baby baby"

"Baby, give me the chance"

"'Cause I know, I know I can show you"

"About romance" (sucking)

Woman: Ooh! (laughs)

How careless. We will have to help you wash that out.


Oh that's all right.

That's, uh, a bottle of wine.

(all giggling)

You're gonna spill that on me?

Hey, baby, wanna? Get out of here.

Hey, dude, they're lighting farts down on the beach.

Well, is it BYOM?

What? Bring your own matches!

Uh, yeah. Yeah yeah. All right! Fart fart fart fart!

Rag, this party's the ultimate bummer.

Where is Kristi? Upstairs in the bathroom.

You're not leaving, are you? I'll be right back, okay?

Okay? Hurry up.

"I'm running"

"I'm running away from my heart"

"Running" (gongs)

(laughs) Can I help you, honey?

What's this about a door prize?

Guess the size of Rounder's putz and you will win 100 bucks.

Hey, dude, Kristi's in the upstairs bathroom.


"And the day comes along..."

Hello there.

I just wondered if you could tell me where I could find Roger Rounder.

Yeah, lady, take a number and go upstairs.

Oh all right. How about a little cookie for a sweet little girl?

Roger! Rogie Rogie! Roger!

Excuse me, emergency. Hey.


Scotty! Kristi, I gotta talk to you.

Get out of here! Just give me two minutes.

I'm gonna scream at the top of my lungs if you don't get out of here now.

Okay. I mean it.

Let her rip. I mean it.

Let her rip. (both scream)

You can't shift your key. I can't stay in tune with you.

Okay, we're gonna act civilized?

Can we just share a doob, okay?

Talk this whole thing out, all right?

Hello there, Goldilocks.

What's hanging? Spare me.

Look, I swear to God, Hunter made the moves on Candy, not me.

Hey, I only want you.

Well, you know, there's a real easy way for me to find out if you're lying.

Right, polygraph, the old lie detector test.

(laughs) No, Scotty, all I have to do is go ask Candy.

Yeah, right, Candy.

Yeah, Candy. She'll tell me.

You know, aside from that oversized schnozz, you're kinda cute.

What do you say we go down to my Rolls and fill that... bunker with some nose candy?

Ow! (screams)

You know, that beat of the music... (pounding on door)

Is really strange.

Really strange. (both laughing)

No, it really is. Listen to it.

You'd better let go or I'll bite you again!

(moans softly) Hey!

(farts) Hey, go dance with somebody else, freckle face. He's not dancing.

He's flipping you off in 40 different languages.

Nobody flips me off! (rock music playing)

(dull thuds) (laughing)




I never did this before.

This is my first honey love.



And now, the Eighth Wonder of the World.







(grunting) On fire!


What... water! Water! Hey!

My feet! My feet! My fuckin' feet!



Big surprise!


(women shrieking, laughing)


Mom! Roger! Roger!

Dede! Dede!

If your father were alive...



This party sucks the big one. Where's Hunter?

(hooting, laughing) Whoo!

Hunter! Where the fuck are you?!


Whoo! Oh shit!

Hunter sure does give good party now, don't he?

Rag: For sure, dude.


"It's party time!"

(seagulls cawing)

(Rag and Kimberly giggling)

Scotty: Well well.

This is something I never thought I'd see.

Yeah? Well, he looked kinda cute last night, so I figured what the heck?

It was rad, dude.

Both: It was worth the wait.

(both laughing)

(smooth jazz playing)

Hi, Scotty. Hey.

I talked to Hunter and he 'fessed up, so I guess I owe you an apology.

You don't have to apologize.

Well, I've been doing some thinking and I've decided to go back to college.

I think that's great, Kristi.

Isn't it?

I don't know what to say. I hope you have a great year.

Do I get a goodbye kiss?


Come on, I told you I'm going back to college, but I didn't say where. I'm transferring to Cal State.

Cal State? Mm-hmm.

You mean up on the hill here? Right.

And I thought, you know, maybe I could save some money and we could move in together...

I mean, if you don't mind.

Kristi, don't you know how crazy I am about you?

Don't you realize my heart starts to palpitate...

Do yourself a favor... drop the dialogue.

Your bigger and better deal is staring you right in the face.

('80s pop music playing)

"Look at the way"

"The sun makes 'em play"

"How can you leave them alone?"

"They're on the sand with B-9 in hand"

"Caressing the places unknown"

"Let me tell you I know a place"

"Gonna put a smile on your face"

"They got the tan lines on their skin"

"Watch them rub it in, rub it in"

"Can you see the hardbodies?" "Hardbodies"

"They mean what they say"

"There ain't nobody"

"Standing in my way"

"See the hardbodies" "Hardbodies"

"Do whatever they please"

"And everybody's dropping to their knees"

"I don't mind"

"Second to none, breaking out the big guns"

"Waxed up and ready to roll"

"As they go by, all the boys wink an eye"

"Then simply lose all control"

"Let me tell you I know a place"

"Gonna make a blind man lead the chase"

"Close as you can get to perfection"

"So take a look in that direction"

"Can see you the hardbodies?" "Hardbodies"

"They mean what they say"

"There ain't nobody standing in my way"

"See their hardbodies"

"Do whatever they please"

"And everybody, get down on your knees"

"I don't mind" "Hardbodies"

"I don't mind"

"Get the boys together and we'll stand in a line"

"We like to watch you slide" "Hardbodies"

"Baby, you can bet"

"You and me ain't ever seen the best of it yet"

"Get a load of this, get on over here"

"Don't get too excited when the boys all cheer"

"For hardbodies" "Hardbodies"


"Don't get too excited when the boys all cheer for hardbodies"

"Hardbodies" "Hardbodies"


"Don't get too excited"

"When the boys all cheer for hardbodies."