Harley Quinn S1E4 Script

Finding Mr. Right (2019)

Damn, that was good!

Who has two hands covered in unwashable ink?

Uh, this girl!

We just made that bank our bitch!

Dude! That was a Noguchi coffee table.

Uh, sorry. But hey!

Now you can buy a bunch of 'em!

Guch! Guch! Guch! You know you can just hand me some money.

You don't have to make it rain.

It's Noguchi!

I'm gonna go make some nettles tea.

Oh, man. This was our best heist yet.

And we hit the perfect tone!

Like, okay, everyone in the bank was super scared of us, but like not so much that they weren't also delighted when I just cartwheeled out.

I'm sure everybody on the news is talkin' about it.

I hope we didn't miss too much of the coverage.

Batman stops Joker from robbing the credit union.

Credit union? That's just a poor person bank.

We robbed a real one with a vault, and money, and predatory lending practices!

No, the news probably did us first.

Here, try Channel 7.

And Batman foils Just let me look.

We're the most compelling story, so they're probably saving us for last.

And now our last and most compelling story.

Enter, us!

Turn up the volume! It's about damn time.

A cardboard box of baby ferrets has finally been returned to their rightful owners.

Oh, boy.

You have been here two weeks and you have destroyed nine TVs.

Sorry.

I'm just pissed.

Why aren't they talkin' about us?

It should be our faces on that screen!

We should be those ferrets!

You guys, like, realize you're committing serious felonies, right?

Like, you actually don't want people to know who you are.

Or No.

No "or". I just gave you great advice.

But, there's only one thing stopping us from being front page news.

No one's trying to stop us.

Of course!

Joker has Batman and suddenly a simple crime becomes a thrilling narrative between two titans.

Exactly. We need a nemesis!

Lex Luthor has Superman.

Sinestro has Green Lantern.

Psycho has his own inability to refrain from using the c-word.

My nemesis is Wonder Woman, that cu--

Okay, I see what you're saying.

That's it then! I need a nemesis.

Great advice, Ive. No.

That's 100% not--

Alrighty.

So our profile page on Find-a-Nemesis dot com has been up for a day and we have...

Zero messages?

Clayface, did you use my hairbrush?

No. What the hell?

You're messing up my apartment!

Your apartment? It's my apartment!

And if your dirty circus freak friends keep messin' it up, I'm kickin' ya out.

You know the rules: no pets, no noise, no commies, no d--

I don't know if he was gonna get racist there, but it felt like that's where it was headed.

I thought robots were supposed to be helpful.

-Right?

He's not a robot, he's a disabled person.

Anyway. You stained all my carpeting.

And you came home drunk and tried to mind-control the microwave, and burnt a hole through the countertop.

That microwave knows what it said.

Dammit, Sy! I will move the trash bins--

Oh my God!

Ow?

Harley! Oh, oh, oh.

This is a classic misunderstanding.

Bat down. Bat down.

This is King Shark. Howdy.

Hacker extraordinaire and, perhaps more pertinent, social media maven.

Uh, this giant, terrifying, half man, half-shark is a computer whiz?

I don't like to brag, but he took me from eight social media followers to eight... teen. Bravo!

I called him to solve our nemesis problem.

Mmm... I'm guessing you're the one having trouble finding a nemesis.

Well, we put the profile up and we're not gettin' any bites.

Is that a shark joke?

If so, it's very funny.

Now scooch. Let me take a look at that profile.

Hmm. Okay, now here's your first problem.

You're not using any of the right keywords.

I'll hack into the mainframe and get you featured.

How long's this going to take?

There you go. Got your first match.

Who the hell is Tommy Tomorrow?

He's got a personalized ray gun.

He says he's looking for something casual.

Someone to fight on the weekends.

I am not settling for Tommy Tomorrow.

I wanna nemesis-up!

You're not gonna find any A-listers on here.

There's no Batmen.

Or... we get Batman!

Batman? You have fought him countless times and every time ya end up at Arkham.

I know another way and by the end of it, Bats will be our nemesis.

I don't know. Unlikely.

Yes, yes, yes.


Ha!

You've crossed the line, Quinn.

You're going to Arkham for goo-- -Buh-bye!

Yeah!

Ta-da!

How the hell did you pull this off?

The car's voice activated, so I took some recordings of Bats' voice and spliced 'em together.

Open Batmobile allow Harley to drive.

He also said...

I definitely make love to bats.

Ha! Heavens to Murgatroyd. He admits it!

The signature grappler!

The bat-eth hath arrived-eth.

Success!

Stop talking, I gotta make an evil first impression.

Shit, I shoulda thought of an opening line.

Uh. Good after-doom?

Pleasure to beat ya?

What the... Not so fast, losers!

Oh, come on. Robin? What are ya doing here?

Where's Batman?

You think Batman has time to deal with you guttersnipes?

You're lucky I even showed up.

Oh, was Batman too busy doin' this?

I definitely make love to bats.

Shut up and battle me, nards.

Oh god, last week I was in the fucking Legion of Doom and now this is my life.

We're not battlin' a 12 year-old from the fuckin' Ren Faire.

I was raised by an elite group of assassins from birth.

You're a clown.

And an old one at that.

What are you, 30?

Ow! You little shit!

Hey! What are you doing? Put me down!

Tell Batman we're coming for him.

...well, Tawny, then Harley said,