Harley Quinn S1E8 Script

L.O.D.R.S.V.P (2020)

Can I help you?

Oh, Hi, there.

Where did you come from?

I'm just waiting for the museum to open.

Just a normal shark doing normal shark things.

Don't... Don't worry about me.

We got 'em! It's go time.

Halt! Thieves.

Aquaman?

Yes, noble guard. It is I, The Aquaman, protector of the deep blue and all its inhabitants.

It is an honor.

I will apprehend these air breathers.

You give chase to their co-conspirators.

Yes, my liege.

All right, let's get outta here--

Ow!

I spoil your little party?

Ha-ha! It is I, Aquaman, son of Atlan, heir to the throne of Atlantis.

I must say, King Shark, your mother would be most displeased to find you in this plebeian company.

You're not my dad!

That is contrary to what she said.

Ah-ha-hoy!

Let us now dispense with the levity.

I am going to need the Atlantean jewels with which you absconded.

Bravo!

What magnificent word choice.

You are truly the Shakespeare of the sea.

I prefer to think of myself as the Dickens of the Deep.

Hey. Deep Dickens.

Let's wrap up this episode of Frasier so we can get back to getting the hell out of here.

She certainly is that.

What did that dolphin say about me?

Oh, I don't speak dolphin.

I know a little porpoise, but--

What villainous reject have you deigned to summon?

Did somebody call for... kelp?

Unkelp me, plant witch.

Let's go.

Yes. Run. Run!

I, Aquaman, will retrieve my family's jewels, and the sirens will sing of my revenge for eterni--

Ow... Juba? A little help?

Harley Quinn and her crew made Aquaman look like a member of the Justice B League this afternoon, and made off with a set of ancient Atlantean jewels.

The standout of the crew was Poison Ivy...

I'm so sick of hearing this.

Um, I am not part of the crew.

I was asked for a favor. I provided said favor.

End of story.

Holy shit! Guys, guys, listen.

"Dear Ms. Quinn, based on your recent evil efforts, the Legion of Doom invites you and your crew to our headquarters to discuss further possibilities."

Guys, this is what we've been workin' towards.

Dump Joker, check.

Get noticed by the Legion of Doom, check.

Oh! I did it!

Even though no one said I could run a crew.

What? Hello. Hi.

I said that you could run a crew.

Yeah, but you're my friend.

Uh, come on, it's like when your mom says you're the prettiest girl in school.

That's what my mom said.

Shark genitalia is very hard to see. Until it isn't.

This is huge for us.

Means we might get to move out of this shithole.

I will have you know, Norm Dilfer, the Carpet King of Gotham found this mall more than satisfactory.

What the heck is that noise?

Oh yeah, that shit's been keepin' me up.

I haven't been able to get a lick of sleep for days.

I... I didn't hear any noise.

And you can count me out of this Legion of Doom business.

Hey Harley, since I've been banned for life, I probably shouldn't come.

But maybe you can mention I'm reformed and I don't call women anymore?

You know, don't push it, but if it comes up organically.

Yeah, I don't really see a scenario where that comes up organically, but I'll get ya in.

Well, congrats, Harls.

You're on the verge of achieving your dream and I... I really do wish I could be there to see it.

But your name's on the invitation. You gotta come.

Well, that's clearly a misprint because I'm--

Not in the crew. We've heard.

Yeah. What they said.

Fine. Be like that.

I guess if I run into Joker there, I'll just deal with it without my best friend by my side.

Okay, I'll go.

I knew you would.

Pretty cool, huh?

All the heavy hitters, Sinestro, Lex Luthor, Roger Goodell.

Ooh, uh, FYI, we stand for the anthem here.

This is the big leagues of evil.

Oh! Think this might interest you.

It goes throughout the entire office.

Is that a fake diver and a castle?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

That's a real diver, and you're free to eat him.

A real diver?

A real diver?

Is it my birthday?

Ah, what'd I tell ya about this place?

Did I lie? Did I fuckin' lie? I did not fuckin' lie.

Also heard we have an actor here.

We do improv every Wednesday.

Huzzah!

And we've got every resource your crew could want.

So, you've got a fish tank and you do improv?

Wow, you're my shitty college boyfriend.

Oh, all right, yeah, I mean, did your college boyfriend have...

A kryptonite-powered submarine that can turn into a car and shoot missiles.

We have three of them.

And they're available to our members at any time.

Harley. So glad you could make it.

Lex, this place is amazing.

Not too bad, huh?

The grenade vending machine and Kombucha on tap.

I mean, you guys thought of everything.

I've been watching you ever since you went solo, and I haven't seen an evil rising star like you since, well, since me.

Hey, buddy?

Now that you're done kissing your own asshole...

That's not a phrase.

...why are we here?

Look, I'm sure you know about prospective member night.

Where every Legion member can nominate someone to join?

Well, Harley, guess who I nominated? You.

So, come back tonight for the party, meet everyone, see how you mesh, and, maybe if it goes well, you could be the next member of the LOD.

That's what we call the Legion of Doom.

Oh, is that what it stand for?

I thought it was Legion of Dildos.

That is a sex shop down the street with whom we're currently in a protracted legal battle.

So, I'll see you guys tonight? Uh, damn right you will.

Oh, hey, do I need to get my parking validated?

We don't validate.

So evil.

Hey, let's hit the gift shop.

They have those mini-license plates with your name on 'em.

Oh, um, yeah, yeah, knock yourself out.

I... I'm gonna catch up with you in a bit.

Hey, so what is your deal?

Like, why are you suddenly so interested in Harley after treating her like shit for months?

Do you know how many invitations we've sent to you?

Jesus, I dunno, millions.

Calm down, it's 148. And every time you rebuff us.

Because I don't want to join your self-important sausage party.

Hey. We have a woman. Good for you.

I'm blanking on her name right now, but she's lovely.

Great.

Do you want to play around or you want to get serious?

Love that.

You're the only one that can do that, which is why you're right.

I don't want Harley. I want you.

Then why did you fuckin' invite her?

Why did the Golden Globes nominate The Martian for best comedy?

They wanted Matt Damon to show.

In this metaphor, you're Matt Damon.

Yes, okay, I get it.

It was just a very stupid and outdated reference.

I don't see a lot of movies.

Look, I'm not joining the Legion of Doom, okay?

Or the LOD or the whatever.

That's totally fine.

Oh, just one thing I forget to mention.

If you don't join, Harley doesn't get in either.

Okay, they don't have Harley, but this is close enough. Isn't this place awesome?

God damn it!

Son of a bitch.

I didn't hear a damn thing.

What? You didn't here that?

Oh, that thing?

Yes. Eh.

That's just the pipes.

Ahh!

Yeah, I'm gonna need you to go ahead and explain that.

Okay.

There may be a giant tentacle monster in the basement.

Are you sure you took everything out of your pockets?

Phone? Keys? Your metal exoskeleton?

Check your weapons, please. Ooh.

Uh, That's not a weapon.

Fine, but when I act someone to death, you'll be blamed.

Hey, do you... Do you think Joker is gonna be here?

Hey, ya know what? I... I don't give a shit.

Nope, don't care.

Ooh, there's my competition, KG Beast. Huh.

Not so scary when they make him take off his machine gun arm.

Harls, look at this place. I mean, this isn't you.

But it can be.

I mean, it's aspirational and classy and shit.

Classy? Okay.

'Cause this morning you drank cereal out of a blender.

Let's all remember that.

Okay, my other cereal cups were dirty.

Look, I gotta go mingle.

What did you say to me?

Oh, I have not turned my back on the aquatic world.

It turned its back on me.

Oh, well, you can kindly go fuck yourself!

Well, if it isn't Ivy-licious.

The wind beneath my wings.

Hey.

So like, did you get an invite to this thing or--

Naw, naw, I picked up a catering gig actually, yeah.

Bein' Ivy's boyfriend, it is pricey.

But you are worth it.

Chicken satay?

Yeah, sure.

I will blow you up, you chicken satay.

Or, why don't you take that anger, put it in your feelings pocket and I'm going give you this whole tray.

Why are you talkin' to him?

What? He outclasses any of these idiots. Okay?

This is the problem with this place.

It's like a boys club.

It's like a... it's like a goddamn frat.

It is I, Aquaman, son of Atlan, heir to the throne of--

Boo to you!

To the throne of--

Boo!

You two stole my family jewels.

Your balls?

Oh, grow up, Sinestro. I know that was you.

You have no proof.

Let's kill it.

Ah, or... Or we can do what I usually do.

Lower some livestock down the hole, walk away, wait a few weeks, and, uh, hope it calms down.

If you won't deal with that noise-making abomination, then I will.

She's not an abomination.

She's my sister. My sister.

Yeah, I'm definitely gonna need you to explain that.

I warned you and you paid me no heed.

So now, taste the salty brine of my sweet--

Argh!

Hah!

Shit! Shit, shit, shit.

Be with me, Konstantin.

Brother, it is I, the Superman, from Kryptalon.

And these people are not your enemy--

Not my worst review.

Kite Man to the rescue.

I'll protect us, babe.

Maybe they took the weapons from the guests but they didn't check...

The help.

Oh, cross wind, oh, shi...

Did he just call you "babe"?

I... You know, I... Maybe.

Call off your dogs, Luthor.

Not everyone has to suffer at my hands today.

This is between me and them.

By "them" I think you mean me.

Hello, Arthur.

David, it's not always about you.

But it's not not about me either.

Ivy!

Ow!

May Poseidon have mercy on your soul.

Hey, fish dick, why don't you go back to the ocean?

Otherwise known as "the world's toilet."

Boo.

Oh, so no ocean jokes?

Uh, it seems like political-iggical correct culture is killing the comedy.

No, no, no, no.

Oh God, oh God. No, no, no no no.

Ah.

Help me.

Ah! What have I done?

My brothers. Oh, my brothers!

Aquaman!

Look, I am stomping on your fish. Stomping!

Bane, stop it.

Hey, there's a YMCA pool down the street.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Just throw saltwater fish into a chlorinated pool.

Water's water, I guess.

Come on. What are you, four?

Huzzah!

What I'm about to tell you, I've never told to anyone.

My sister Mirielle and I were both CIA.

She was a top scientist, the best!

And in the '80s, cocaine and animal hybridization were all the rage.

I was Langley's go-to cleaner.

You know what "go-to" is?

It's the guy you go to!

If there was a mess, I was the man to take care of it.

My missions took me from jungle treetops to the sea floor.

So, I asked Mirie if she could make a hybrid for me, one that could aid me on my missions.

A half-monkey, half-octopus, or as it's commonly known, a Monkeypuss.

She said it was against protocol.

But I just kept bugging her, and finally, because of how much she loved me, she agreed to try.

As you might've guessed, it all went horribly wrong.

Psycho, meet my sister Mirielle.

She's a mop?

No, she's not a mop.

It's the janitor's closet. I made a mistake, so kill me.

Here's Mirielle.

Saving the Legion of Doom from a member of the Justice League.

I mean even if it was Aquaman, ugh, that is gettin' me in.

Look, even if ya don't get in, it's still pretty cool to be nominated, right? Right?

Uh, no. I would do a header out that window and let my brains smash all over the sidewalk.

You're joking.

Last chance. Sure you don't want in?

Harley is good enough to get in on her own.

You saw what she just did to Aquaman.

Let her in.

I mean, for God's sake, you let Bane in.

Lot of politics involved there.

So, your final answer's a no?

We all know why we're here, and I'm happy to say, the Legion has voted, and we have a new member.

Harley. Join me.

Just fuck these guys.

Ive, what are you talkin' about?

This year was a fine crop.

But one person stood above the rest.

Just you and me. Like we'll start our own thing.

It'll be... It'll be Harley and Ivy.

Y'know we'll get those matching flame retardant jumpsuits you've always wanted. You love those.

You mean the one where yours says

"Yaass" and mine says "Kween."

Yaass. Yaass.

No, no, no. No, come on.

You told me to leave the Joker for this, and now I'm here and it's gonna damn well happen.

Harley, listen to me.

This person is an absolute machine.

They don't want you. Okay?

They never wanted you.

They were just using you to get to me.

And I'd like to welcome our newest member, Harley Quinn!

Harley, you did it!

Congratulations, Harley!

Hey, thanks for believin' in me.

No. I... I was just trying to protect you.

Harley Quinn, welcome to the Legion of Doom.

Fine. You want to join those assholes?

Go! Be an asshole yourself, be my guest.

What don't you understand about they have a submarine that turns into a car that shoots missiles"?

The Legion's awesome!

Oh, this is getting heated.

What delicious drama.

Don't put your insecurities on me.

All right, here we go.

What... What? You tell me. What insecurities?

Uh, you just don't want me to join because you're afraid I won't need you anymore.

You are delusional.

Am I? Am I?

Ya loved it when I was all beaten down and brokenhearted after breakin' up with Joker.

But you hate it now that I'm better and makin' somethin' of myself!

Ooh, snap! Damn!

That's not true.

Is true. Ya can't handle it, can ya?

What? You're tryin' to sabotage me instead of confrontin' the fact that, without me, you don't have a single friend in this world.

I...

I don't need this shit.

Like I've always said I'm not part of your crew so--

Oh great, go. Run away to your stupid plants.

You know they have names.

What the hell are you lookin' at?

I'm so sorry, Mirielle. Can ya ever forgive me?

My own issues aside, can someone explain why Sy is cryin' and where this giant tentacle monster came from?

Super-long story. Short version.

CIA experiment went wrong.

That's his sister, and he hasn't been down here for like 35 years.

Yeah, uh that's what I was gonna guess.

Oh, I can't even imagine what it must be like to go through life a giant, deformed thing.

You can't, you can't imagine that?

I don't know how I live with myself.

Oh, it's okay. Look, why not try and talk to her?

How?

I'll do it. I'll do it, I'll do it.

Let me be your Whoopi.

What? Ghost affected everyone.

It was a phenomenon.

Talk to her.

She may not speak English but I bet she understands it.

Mirie, I'm so sorry.

I never shoulda forced you to make that damn hybrid.

Ah-hah, ah-hah, ah-hah.

Okay, she said "I get that you were confused and angry.

So was I.

But it wasn't being turned into a tentacle monster that made me angry."

Wow, this is getting interesting.

"I was angry because you walked away.

You closed yourself off from me.

I didn't just lose my brother that day, I lost my best friend."

She kept hoping you would reach out, but you never did.

One more time on that last part?

Right. Right, okay.

She says, "I always thought no matter how bad it got, you'd never give up on our friendship."

I should've come to you, but I was afraid I let it go too long.

That you wouldn't forgive me.

This is everything.

I don't need a translation for this.

I never should've kept you locked up down here, so from now on, you're free.

Look at her go.

That's my girl. Run, baby, run.

Oh, she looks great. She seems so happy.

I'm in... I'm in its mouth.

Oh, I'm just gonna...

Woo! Oh, Harley, Harley.

Whatever weird sex thing you had to do to get me back into the Legion of Doom, I thank you.

Yeah, that's not what happened.

Uh-huh. Wink, wink.

On a related note, you can't go on any capers where the crew might interact with a female superhero.

Yeah, that seems fair.

Ready to put your life behind you and make the world an even worse place?

Sure thing, Lex.

Good.

Oh, and by the way, another member insisted on dropping by.

Hi, Harley.