Harley Quinn S2E3 Script

Trapped (2019)

Three, two, one...

Yay!

Ah, that was successful.

Come on, We can't get into Mr. Freeze's territory so why not we just let him keep it, all right?

Because he froze my living body then put me on display for my enemies to mock!

And now you're freezing us!

The cycle of violence is real.

I will not rest until we bury each and every one of these Injustice League motherfuckers who stole Gotham from me!

So get meltin'.

What? They're dumping toxic waste into the harbor?

I've gotta stop these assholes.

That happened like two weeks ago. It did?

Yeah. How did I miss that?

Well, it certainly wasn't because you were attending my one man performance of Joan Didion's The Year of Magical Thinking. Ooh.

I went! He's no Vanessa Redgrave.

I had my own take! Fire in the hole!

Whoo!

What the hell kinda ice is this?

The kind you're never gonna see the other side of!

Yeah, nothing burns hot enough...

Oh, except Firefly's flame--

Fred! Oh.

You almost told them about Firefly's flamethrower!

Oh, well, great, Kevin, now you did. You dummy.

Sweet, I'll just kick that guy's ass and take his fire gun.

Yeah. Cool idea.

Did you get it from reading Doctor Trap's diary?

Sorry, wait. Who's Doctor Trap?

Oh, my God! Dude!

He's the guy that looted all the villain's lairs when the city fell.

He's got a whole collection of powerful crap at the Gotham Natural History Museum including the aforementioned fire gun.

Oh, right.

Shit! Thanks for all your help!

Text us if you think of anything else!

All right, listen. We get in, grab this flamethrower, and get out.

Then there's this trash fire barbecue place near here I've been dying to try out!

Sounds muy delish!

But we got a lot of leftover chili to get through.

You guys are making too much chili, okay?

You never wanna go out anymore!

You know, we made a pretty steep investment in our slow cooker, so we just have to kinda get our money's worth, you know?

Babe, you mention it's mild?

I didn't sleep last night, I was so amped.

I know. Me too, right?

Thanks for the ride, babe. Anytime, babe.

Turns out in a post-apocalyptic world, kites are pretty crucial.

You know, you don't have to say that every time you drop us off, okay?

I packed you a high-protein snack for a long lasting energy.

For later. Wink.

Did he just say "wink"?

Yeah. It's like an inside joke. Whatever.

Hey, so, I've been meaning to talk to you about something.

And listen, don't take this the wrong way, but as your BFF, and only F, I think you can do better than Kite Man.

And what's the right way to take that?

You know, now that you're branching out from only caring about things with branches, you gotta get out there, just play the field!

You're the new Poison Ivy!

I mean, you don't have to commit to the first guy who's nice to you.

Uh, your ex-boyfriend tried to kill you several times.

It was an inside joke?

Maybe you just don't know what it's like to be treated well by someone who truly loves you.

Aw. Now I've got smashin' blue-balls!

Now I can get on with my day.

Wow. This feels like a lot of extra security for free Museum Day.

Come, please, enter the lair of Doctor Trap.

I dare you!

Ooh, I dare.

Sorry. Are you Dr. Trap, or is that your boss? Actually, it doesn't even matter.

Just tell him that we want no trouble, and we're just here to grab Firefly's flamethrower, and then we're gonna be on our way.

The treasure is all yours if you can best my traps.

So, I beg you.

Enter!

Why are you so obsessed with us? Just give us the gun.

Yeah, we actually don't want to get into a whole thing with you.

Hey, is that Penguin's umbrella?

Ooh, I kinda want that.

It's worth more now that I killed him.

Well, that seems like overkill.

You know, I'd love to find a way to do this without being burned alive on a spike.

Uh, yeah, we're gonna have to like, rethink this, Harls.

Hey, Dr. Wheelbarrow, toss me one of them fresh biscuits!

I am trying to carbo-load here.

Don't hassle me! They're for the hyenas!

Hey, buddy, buddy, bud, open you mouth, Lou.

Come on. One day I'll return the favor.

Really? If you wanted to do an evil collab, you should've invited me to join the Injustice League!

And given me my own damn slice of this city!

You and me in the same board room?

No wonder those mangey curs are laughing at you.

You listen to me, butt face!

I was a huge supervillain before my reputation was ruined over some innocent locker room talk!

And now, you're a babysitter.

Are you in a club?

Is there a classic series of books about you?

No! Because you don't have friends and you don't go on heists!

I love The Baby-Sitters Club.

Claudia is my girl!

I was more of a Mallory fan myself.

I, too, went through an awkward period.

That is it!

Oh, no!

My feeble mind. You...

You've infiltrated it.

Psych!

You can't control my mind.

I'm an A-lister. I'm too smart.

And you're just a weak washed-up goon.

Oh, really? Can a goon give you a makeover with his mind?

How about something to help with your oily skin?

Maybe some little rouge?

Not too much! I mean, you're not an old French whore, are you?

Unless you are, in which case, here's some toilet water!

I love it.

Do you have something for thinning hair?

Ugh, I hate this place.

When I go to lunch, I want a meal not a grouping of sides.

And I want that flamethrower, not a spike through my head from Dr. Get A Life.

So I called the best burglar in all of Gotham and this is where they wanted to meet.

Wait. Why'd you say "they?"

It's Catwoman, isn't it? Aren't you excited? Ah!

You're good friends! Reunited! For a heist!

I mean, three badass ladies takin' down that sackless dweeb Dr. Trap, then stealin' his priceless artifacts.

Oh, this is gonna be so crazy, sexy, cool!

Just like when you two teamed up for that fun Amazon thingie.

Fun amazon thingie?

You know she screwed me over on that.

That was years ago. People change.

Who even remembers what happened?

Um, she didn't help me take down those loggers, she ditched me for a blood diamond leaving me to pay for the entire hotel bill.

And she got a ton of spa treatments.

There was like all kinds of scrubs that I've never even heard of!

Okay, then maybe this'll be like a much needed exercise in emotional boundaries for ya? Huh?

No, no see, you don't get it.

Selina's like, she's so confident and cool.

And somehow, she just like, draws you in by being aloof.

You know, you just see her, and you're like, "Ah, I want to be like that."

And then, you see her wearing overalls, and you're like, "Oh, maybe I want overalls."

And then suddenly, you have a closet full of overalls that don't look good on you.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Can we just leave before she gets here?

Oh, hi, hi. Yes.

Nice jacket. What this?

Oh, yeah... I was thinking about donating it actually.

It's just like this style's gotten so trendy, you know?

Cobb salads, all around.

See, she always does this, she orders for everyone.

So controlling.

I got your message about the museum, Harley.

Oh. Uh, yeah, you know, in light of some recent retellings of old stories I should've paid more attention to, maybe we--

They have an Egyptian ruby I've been thinking about wanting.

Ah, rubies, that's so classy. Yes.

They're like fun and timeless, but like way less obvious than a diamond.

So, I'm in.

Wow! Just like that?

Do you really like this jacket or were you just saying that you did?

What do you think?

What do you think? What's happening?

Actually, the truth is we're just not comfortable working tog--

Ah, this is so awesome!

I mean, I just can't wait to get started.

I mean, you were so right about these Cobb salads, it's amazing. I mean, I don't eat meat or whatever, but I can just push them away. And I mean, look at us, we're like the Cobb squad! You know?

Should we all get matching tattoos? I mean, I'm kidding. Or am I?

I mean, we could do it, right? I know a guy.

Ive, she just stole your favorite jacket.

I know, but it looks so much better on her.

Is she always late?

Yes. It is a power move.

Well, it's not even original.

I've been stood up by badder-asses.

Here, kitty, kitty!

Are you always this impetuous?

Give me a dictionary, and I'll tell ya.

A chauffeur? You must be doing well.

He's my boyfriend.

And she's my girlfriend.

Cute. So, what's the plan?

I was thinking, first, we smash through the skylight, then--

Don't catsplain breaking and entering to me.

The plan is, I handle the traps, you follow me.

I'm not used to working in a team, so keep your distance.

All right, ladies, have fun taking down that beta cuck.

Babe, are you not coming? Oh, no.

My biggest fear is traps.

And space.

No kites in space there, so...

I'm gonna hang back, keep watch.

Maybe pick up some iced coffees for you strong, female anti-heroes.

Ugh, it's her signature move!

Psst, Harley.

What are we at a play? What do you want?

So, uh, earlier...

I was lying.

Yeah, I thought it was too loser-y to be afraid of traps.

No, I am very afraid, but I'm going in anyway.

There's a diamond shaped like a leaf in there that'll make the perfect engagement ring for Ivy.

She loves stuff with leaves!

Are you sure Ivy wants to take this next step with you?

Maybe take a lesson from the slow cooker and let that shit simmer, huh?

No way! Our love is cooked to perfection.

So, traps be damned! I'm getting the diamond.

There is no trap in the world that could stop me!

But if one does, tell Ivy it's okay to love again after an appropriate mourning period, mmmkay?

Ugh!

Shit! They're gone.

Thanks, dude. Now I have no idea how to get the flamethrower.

It's probs in the armory exhibit.

Ooh, I bet they have some sick arrowheads.

Love to peep those babies if we have time. Follow me.

You're willing to go first into this death trap?

If herein lies my lady's diamond, then totes.

Works for me.

Survived my first trap.

That wasn't a trap, that was a pencil.

So, you have a boyfriend, huh?

Rolling him like we did those loggers?

Oh, no. We're dating. Dating?

Yeah, you know, we like eat dinner, we have sex, complain about the crew. You know?

Heads up!

Hmm. You hate people.

Yeah. I mean, now I hate most people.

I guess a lot has changed since the last time we hung out.

I guess, you know, I have more than just my journal to confide in, you know?

Oh, no!

My question is where did he find the contractors to do all this?

You know what I'm saying? Please.

Evil construction's a booming business in new New Gotham.

Selina!

Don't stress me out.

So, what are you gonna do with this flamethrower?

Melt a climate change denier's summer home?

I'm helping Harley get revenge on Mr. Freeze, so...

You mean, you're retired? What? No!

I've just been busy, you know, with life, and, and, and...

So what do you care?

I'm just trying to understand.

You used to have such a clear brand.

What's the last thing you did for the environment?

Well, when's the last time you stole a jewel?

Girl, please.

I'm never not stealing jewels.

Nets!

The sworn enemy of the kite!

Along with a mild summer.

Watch your fingers.

Whoa, is that Deathstroke's sword?

Let's just go back! I bet they have the flamethrower and they're waiting for us outside.

No! This may come as a shock, but I could never do better than Ivy.

I know. You know, she pretends to hate everyone, but under that, I've never known a more supportive, understanding, caring, and funny woman who can control plants.

She deserves the world!

So, the least I can do is give her the most beautiful ring medieval Europe has to offer!

All right, let's get you that ring, sport.

Another net! No, no, no, no! It's worse.

It's a spider web! It's nature's net!

Come on.

Of course I could run a crew.

You've seen what my brain is capable of.

They don't get me.

What I don't get is why you need validation from me!

That suggests a weak mind!

You're just a crazy hair, weak-minded motherfu--

The Riddler is missing!

What do you mean, "The Riddler is missing?"

That's the shit I'm talking about!

I mean, missing, like, he's not where he's supposed to be!

Shit! I'm so worried.

But I'm the only one with the keys!

Lavender sage.

He must've used all the body butter you threw at him to slip out.

Oh, how the Riddler hath played you.

Harley will be most displeased.

Displeased?

She's gonna fuckin' kill me!

This was the one thing she told me to do!

That of course, and feed the koi in the fountain, but I breaded and fried those fuckers!

It's amazing how good you are at running a crew!

Oh, fuck!

There's no reason to freak out over a lost prisoner.

Unless... you've built a rapport in order to gain their trust to break them, but in the process they've broken you.

I guess what I'm sayin' is, did anyone fall in love with the Riddler?

Come on. Show of hands.

Is that a hand I see in the back there?

Oh, no, that's a massage chair.

Oh, look! He left a riddle.

"Who's running loose in the mall but not one of y'all?

And who will never run a crew

'cause this prisoner slipped through?

Now, let the chase ensue.

If you ever find this note, you dumb..."

Oh, it just gets dirty from there.

Oh, he's pay for this!

All right, Sy, you take the mezzanine, King Shark, you take the fountains and bathrooms, Clayface, take the ground floor!

I'm gonna supervise over walkie-talkies, which is the hardest and most leadership-heavy part of a split up.

Now split!

This teamwork is suffocating.

I don't know how you live this way.

Yeah, I mean, I guess it just sorta happened, but you know, I mean, I like it.

I mean, you could try it sometime.

Oh, a deadly game of Hopscotch.

Step where I step.

Hoppity, hoppity.

Oh, it's like she's dancing on air.

Whoa, those are sick arrowheads.

Oh, careful now.

Oh, no. Someone had an extra helping of salad.

This whole museum field trip doesn't feel like your scene.

Maybe you need to reevaluate.

Oh, I don't think so. Do you think so?

I mean, how strongly do you think so?

You know what, never mind. I'm good with it.

I am. I'm happy about my decision. Right?

Oh, goodie!

I didn't miss stealing the flamethrower.

Wait, how did you get past the traps?

Get them off of me!

Get them off of me!

Oh, no, I'm good.

Oh, my God! What's wrong with your face?

Oh, bad reaction to my new deodorant, babe.

Back to the chemical stuff.

Here's your super soaker.

Pleasure doing business with you. Now let's get outta here.

Wait, babe, what are you doing here?

I had to get something for you.

There's a special question that I have been waiting to repop.

Oh. Um...

Can we do this later?

Last time I tried, I didn't have a ring.

But now, nothing can go wrong.

Uh, Poison, Gertrude Ivy, my love, my life, uh... will you do me the honor of...

Where's my ring?

Gotta go. Girl power. And all that.

Wow, what a cold B.

Well, thank you. Exit through the gift shop. Not!

Wait, that's your real voice?

Yes. We'll see what your voice sounds like when you've survived several trap-related mishaps.

You're all going to die in my trap!

Come on, come on, come on!

Somebody give me a goddamn update!

I'm having quite an emotional experience here.

You ever vibrate at just the right setting to really connect to a Baby-Sitters Club audiobook?

Anybody?

He's on foot.

Calm down, he can't have gotten far.

And he's got a walkie-talkie!

Over! Ten four! Copy that!

Did you copy that, Psycho?

Find him, you morons!

Ah-ha! I've got the target in my sights.

You sure?

Uh, it could be a massage chair.

It's not.

Or it could be me.

Just take the shot!

Oh, yeah, shoot me. Shoot me.

If I go down for this, I'm taking all of you with me!

There you are, you little rat bastard.

Ah!

I'll get the ring back from her, it's no biggie.

The important thing is that, um...

From the day I met you--

I knew...

Smash away, smashy pants!

You know, this is one of my fave five traps, made out of the same stuff as airplane windows.

Listen, Ivy, before we get smushed to death, will you-- Ugh!

Catwoman could've easily gotten us out of this.

She got herself out and that's all she cares about.

Fuck her! She sucks!

I just want you to know that every part of me--

Yeah, I just honestly don't think it's such a bad way to be, only worrying about yourself.

I mean, there's something to be said for not getting smushed to death.

I'm messing this up. We're only here because of her!

No, no, no, we're here because of your stupid fire gun that probably won't even work.

It's a plasma flamethrower, and it can melt any... Oh, duh!

I love the shape of your sharp elbows, and, uh--

And because I don't even know what's important to me anymore.

I mean, Catwoman has it all figured out.

She knows what she wants and she gets it.

She has 19 cats.

She can never go on vacation.

I mean, imagine, finding someone to watch them.

Fire in the hole!

Ivy, will you marry--

Stop! Not the right time?

No, it's not the right time.

I don't know if it'll ever be the right time.

And I don't know if I ever wanna get married, okay?

Damn it, that would've been great for a trap.

No, no, no, there's no need to keep interacting.

You beat my traps.

You're free to go!

And you're free to... Um...

Shut your trap, Trap!

Well, you've returned without the customary "heading back" text. Rude.

Did you get the gun?

Yup. This'll burn down Freeze's wall and...

Why does it look like you guys had a harder night than me?

'Cause we did!

Oh, fine, you broke me!

Riddler's on the loose.

We can't find him.

We think he ate Psycho.

What? Psycho lost Riddler?

He's a shmuck, I told him.

I don't know why he's on the crew.

Okay. Let's fan out, check the cupboards and cubbies, keep your eyes low, we'll find him before Riddler eats him, and someone order a damn pizza!

One pizza comin' up.

Yoo-hoo! What's round and moving much slower than when I was inside of it?

Why's he gotta be so cute about everythin'? It's so ew.

Let me out!

Psycho, your job was to guard someone who was chained up.

You could've just read a book and this wouldn't have happened!

May I recommend The Baby-Sitters Club?

The series that focused on Stacey's diabetes was so moving.

Oh, bullshit!

You made me a glorified mall cop!

I am trying to take down the Injustice League here!

I don't have time to recapture my prisoners!

Your boy's an idiot.

Agreed. Oh, if you're so smart, Einstein, why didn't you just leave?

I'm gonna tell you why.

'Cause you fear my wrath.

Yeah. Right.

It's a waste land out there.

In here, I get three squares, plenty of cardio.

I'm in the best shape of my life, plus there's free entertainment watching you idiots fail to accomplish even the simplest of tasks.

I'll escape when I'm good and ready.

God, what is this, fucking Candyland?

Hey! What are you up to?

You know, just getting back in touch with my roots.

Very cool. Very cool.

I mean, how am I gonna have time to focus on my goals when I'm responsible to so many people now?

You know? It's like, this is just not where I saw my life going.

Hmm, I hear ya. I mean, I thought I'd be married to Joker by now.

But do you really think your life was better before all this, when you were more like Catwoman?

Yeah, 'cause no one's stopping her from doing what she wants.

Like punishing Ace Chemical's board of directors for illegal dumping of toxic waste!

You know, when I met Kite Man, I thought he was a total dweeb who didn't even deserve to breathe the same air as you.

Yeah, me, too. Then he started hanging around more and I still didn't really like him.

But today, he risked his life to get you that diamond you wanted.

I didn't want that diamond. Yeah, I know. It's totally not your taste.

It's too whimsical. Far too whimsical.

But I saw a less lame side of him and I'm starting to get it.

He grows on you, right? Yeah.

Ive, you're never gonna be Catwoman because you have people that love you.

People who want the best for you.

People who will help you with your goals if you let 'em.

Can I do one? Sure.

No, please!

I know I'm happier now.

And cooler. Hmm, not cooler, but I guess it's hard to let go of your past self, huh?

You don't have to.

Hey. Hey.

Uh, full disclosure, I'm a little bit wasted.

Fair enough. Can I come in?

Come on.

Look, I... I know it's not your fault that I don't have the life that I thought I would.

And I took my frustrations with myself out on you.

And I'm sorry.

I want what you want, babe.

And if you need more time, that's good with me.

No presh. But...

If you wanted to ask me again...

Oh, I get it. You're not ready.

And you know what? Maybe I'm not ready.

Now's good. You sure?

'Cause I can't do this a fourth time.

I'm ready.

Ask me.