Harley Quinn S2E5 Script

Batman's Back Man (2020)

For the last time, dude, get the fuck out of here with the "Gandalf could just fly over Middle-earth and drop the ring into the fires of Mount Doom from atop an eagle" bullshit!

I've clearly laid it out on a LOTR subreddit.

What do you want to watch?

We could watch Harley Quinn.

No! Have you seen the show?

Oh, God, no!

It's just another heavy-handed female empowerment story, where the true villain is the quote-unquote "patriarchy."

So basic.

Yeah, I guess.

I heard Harley takes down Joker at the end of season one!

I'm sorry, but "cucked" isn't a great color on the greatest villain of all time.

That's what this review says.

Hey, you wrote this one.

I can't believe you want to watch this show.

You know, they just did a three-episode arc, where Harley beats Penguin, Riddler and Mr. Freeze, using nothing but her Mary Sue powers!

Are you sure you haven't seen the show?

Yeah! 'Cause I'm not a 12-year old girl.

Also, dude, why would I watch a show that's set in Gotham City, but Batman's barely in it?

You watched all five seasons of Gotham.

Because it wasn't a fucking tsunami of virtue signaling.

Here, smart guy.

Let's see what this week's episode of Harley Quinn is about.

"Harley Quinn and her best friend, Poison Ivy..."


"...aren't in this episode, which focuses on Batman waking from his coma and vowing to take back Gotham City."

Fuck! Fine! But if it sucks, we're watching Family Guy.



It's not as bad as it looks.

Why don't you come back to bed?

I've made you a cup of honey tea and pigs in blankets.

I don't want pigs in a blanket. I want to fight crime.

I will take that honey tea.

Let's get you back to bed, Master Bruce. You need your rest.

I've rested enough. Gotham needs Batman.

And it will get him, once he's made a full physical recovery.

In the time you were in a coma, 312 new television shows came out.

What say we be binge buddies?

Get me Jim Gordon. We needn't bother Mr. Gordon.

He's making sure law and order are returned to the city.

We are so fucked!

It's a shit show out there!

I saw a dog kill a man on the street, and then I saw the dog do other things to that man.

What, have you been in a coma these last few months?

No. I've been doing stuff.

Ah! You playboys, always doing stuff.

Must be nice.

Now, I brought a list of things I need you to pay for, so I can take back the city.

One, police officers. Two, a codpiece that I can wear that opens up and shoots a tiny missile.

That doesn't exist.

Not yet.

That's where you and your fat wallet come in.

Mr. Wayne is not going to bankroll your imaginary--

Tone it down there, limey.

Now, look, I'm the only one who can save the city.

At least, since the Bat abandoned us.

Are there no heroes left in Gotham?

Just a couple of amateurs popping off. Take a look.

This Yankee doodle dandy in a powdered wig calls himself "The Macaroni."

As in...

♪ Stuck a feather in his hat... ♪ And you know the rest.

That wig's a walking "kick me" sign.

If you think that's bad, check out the broad in the bat suit.

They're calling her Batgirl.

That's futile. These lightweights aren't prepared to go mano y mano with Two-Face or Bane.

Without Batman, people don't have the balls to fight back.

I got word Quinn took down Freeze.

That clown is a pain in my ass.

Hey, that's not your chair.

We're keeping it open for honorary purposes.

That's your chair.

Have some respect.

Oh, okay.

Does this rule apply to parking spots?

If so, I'll need to move my Volvo.

Look, I've been doing some thinking.

Oh, sorry, I thought that was a punchline.

Quinn's on a dare. And we're next.

Maybe we should consolidate power and join forces to protect ourselves from external threats.

What, you and me? Collab?

Ha! You got your hands full with Banetown.

Hey, it's the locals. We say "Bane-ton."

The way you remember it, it rhymes with Plankton.

That's a soft rhyme at best.

Look, I'm not worried about Quinn.

Besides, why would I want to team up with the likes of you?

You don't even have a big boy chair.


Ah, don't get your little singlet in a bunch, I'm just having a goof.

So, are we teaming up?


Up here, dummy.

Hey, guys, today's safety tip.

Instead of going to a party this Friday night, sign up for a self-defense class. Right, buddy?

This is Batgirl, signing off.

Research, Master Wayne?

This sorority girl can't run around wearing the bat symbol!

It's gonna make people think I'm back!

So your quibble is with the unsanctioned use of your logo, sir?

A, it's not a logo. It's a symbol, meant to strike fear into the hearts of criminals.

And B, if that little girl's killed while wearing it, the city of Gotham will lose all hope.

Well, there's nothing you can do about it now, Master Wayne.

You can barely make a solid bowel movement.

Well, maybe Bruce Wayne can't.

But I know someone who can.

Who's there? Always check your six.

Oh, my God! Batman?

I am such a stan!

Hmm. I'm wearing your logo.

It's a symbol.

And one you shouldn't be wearing.

Oh, frick! Is it copyrighted?

I swear to God I'm not making any money off of it.

It took me years of training to establish trust with the people of Gotham.

You're out of your depth. It's not safe.

I appreciate your notes, but I can handle myself.

You were saying?

Oh, my God, you guys, I have awesome breaking news.

Batman... Yes, The Batman is back in Gotham.

Do you still have a million followers?

Actually 1.3 million.

Yeah, but most of them are bots, right?

Batman is back! Hmm.

Ladies and gents, going to need you to stay calm while my associates and I relieve this establishment of a little coin. You know I like coins.

Fill her up, sweetheart.

No! We're not afraid of you anymore.

What? Of course you are. Look at the guns and half my face.

Ow! Ow, fuck!

We're not afraid, 'cause Batman's back.

Just leave us alone.


Wait, Batman's really back?

That's right. Rebellion is in the air!

Batman's back, baby!

And with him, hope for the people of Gotham!

I'm gonna live forever! Batman's back!

You can wipe that smug look off your face.

That's not smug.

This is smug. Devastating.

I never said I was back. Batgirl did.

Yet, you didn't deny it.

And now all of Gotham is as full of false hope as an undercooked meat pie!

Enlighten me. Why can't Batman be back?

Still unable to reach your feet?

I've been rocking slip-ons. My feet run hot.

But if you think I'm too weak to get back out there and I'll fail, just say it.

You're too weak and will fail.

I am strong and will succeed!

Fine. Prove it. Put these on.

Come on.

Come on!

Oh, that's right, you can't.

Seems to me, the city's protector should be able to put his sockie-poos on his feetsies.

But what do I know? I just took you in after your parents were murdered, loved you like I would my own son.

Cared for you unconditionally.

Changed your diapers when you were in a coma.

You don't know what it's like to be a warrior.

I'll have you know, I was in Her Majesty's Royal Navy.

What did you guys fight over?

Who get the last scone?

On occasion, we did.

Your ego is writing checks your broken body cannot cash, sir.

"Your ego's writing checks..."

Connect me to Lucius Fox.

Oh! There you are, buddy. Hey, I got a surprise for you.


How does she ride? Ain't she a beaut?

Look, it's adjustable. It can be any height you want it to be.

It's like magic.

Yeah. I love it.

The lower lumbar support is helpful.

Not a lot of chairs designed for guys with overdeveloped traps.

You look parched. Let me get you a drink.

If I remember correctly, you're a sparkling guy, right?


Is that coconut?


Hey, I admit I was being tough on you yesterday.

But that was just some good-natured ribbing.

Brotherly love, et cetera.

It felt very personal.

And frankly, mean-spirited.

Well, I've thought about what you said in regards to us joining forces, and how we're more likely to survive if we stick together, and I'm in.

Let's do it, you and me, an equal partnership. Fifty-fifty.

Hmm. Does this have anything to do with Batman coming back?

Can I be honest with you? Of course.

It does not.

So what do you say, partner?

As long as it's 50-50.

All right, now let's talk branding.

We need to communicate that we're working together, and not to be fucked with.

I got something I wanna show you. Hey, boys!

But... That's not a... That's just a picture of you.

I'm not even on the poster...

Where's the 50 and 50?

What are you talking about? That's you, right there.

No, that is a shadow.

I was born there, but that's not me.

And look, it's only got your name on it!

What are you talking about!

That's you, that's me. We each got a face. Two-Faces.

I think it's too much of a thinker.

Nah, everyone knows that it's the both of us.

Equal partners, right?

I would be open to a bus poster, like the twins poster, where it's you, but it says Bane.

And then it's me, but it says Two-Face.

But I've gotta be on there.

Otherwise, you know, this is...

I'm a name.

Loaded with firepower and razor-sharp weaponry, the titanium-dipped body armor comes fitted with a strength-compensation dial.

I've also added a customized AI to provide tech support and system analysis.

Her name is Monica.

You deserve better, Monica.

Oh, hello, Alfred.

Going behind my back to have Lucius build you a bat suit to compensate for your feeble state?

No, I'm just hanging with my buddy, like friends do. Jealous?

Oh, look! A suit of lies.

You cannot fight crime in your current physical condition.

Yeah. That's what the suit is for. Tell him, Lucius.

I need to get going.

I have Pilates tonight.

Alfred. Lucius.

You're not getting that suit and you're not to fight crime.

I forbid it.

Fine. If that's the way you feel.

Forgive me if I don't trust you.

This is coming with me.

The dolly's got a bum wheel.

Elevator's broken.

No trouble at all.



You're looking great this evening, Batman.

Let's do this!

Stun mode activated.

"Not ready," my ass.

Indeed, sir.

Who are you working for?


Threat identified. Proceed with caution.


We thought you were dead, Batman.

Bad news. I'm not.

My beef isn't with you, Bane. I'm here for Two-Face.

He's clearly running this operation.

What? No!

I am also equally in charge.

Not by the look of things.

No! It's Two Faces!

Plural. My face and his face.

I am one of the two faces. We are partners!

He already has two faces.

If he were your partner, that would be three faces.

I knew it was too much of a thinker!

Code red. Threat level, 100%.

Caution. Caution.


I am the shadow that haunts your darkness!

Last chance.

Where's Two-Face?


Code red.

C-Code red. Proceed with caution.

Code red. Code red. Code red.

I will break the Bat!

Bane, you gullible fool!

Monica, call Lucius Fox.

Well, what do we have here?

Boss is gonna love this.

Looks like ya got your bell rung real good, Batty.

We cooked up something special for ya!

Why didn't you wake up and stop me, Alfred?

To repay you for years of torment, we're gonna make a little video for all of Gotham to see.

Yeah! Then we're gonna post it!

That's implied, Rick.

Everyone's gonna know it was Two-face's crew that killed Batman!

You two, go check it out.

What the...

It's "The Macaroni."

Who are you? My liege.

Alfred. Just doing my part, sir.

That wig is pretty impractical.

Let's get you on your feet.

Just say it. Say, "I told you so."

A gentleman does not trade in such pedestrian platitudes.

But he does know when to ask for help.

A little assistance, my lady.

Be right there!

Oh, yikes.

Your legs are hella jacked up.

One of them's, like, going that way and the other one's all floppy and stuff.

It's gross.

Can you just help me up?

Jesus, what now!

I was born in hell, and I demand respect!

I crushed Batman.

Perhaps I should do the same to you?

Tranquilo, baby, tranquilo!

I want to hear you out, but I cannot talk to you when you're like this.

I beg you, please, calm down.

Do one of those breathing exercises you're always telling me about.

Oh, sorry.

Better. Now, talk to me.

You said this was an equal partnership, but even Batman thinks you're running Gotham.

Ah, don't listen to bat face. He's just messing with your head.

Focus. Now, when you say, "Crushed him," does that mean he's dead?

His legs were parting in different directions!

It was gross. In the future, I think we should just kill Batman when we get the chance, but you did a good job, buddy.

See, I contribute to this business.

We need a new name that represents both of us.

The Bane of Your Existence?

Bane Capital?

Not that, but something like that.

We... we can pitch on it.

It's not the name. The name's workin'.

What I think is you need to have room to do your best work.

Space to spread out and explore all the nooks and crannies in that big ol' noggin of yours.

To find what sparks my joy?


And I know just the place for you to do that.


That's beautiful.

See? Isn't that nice?

Who takes care of you? Right, buddy?

Sweet mother of Canadian Club!

Are you sitting? Sometimes I sit.

Never seen it. You don't know everything I do.

You don't write, you don't call.

I thought you'd abandoned us.

I would never give upon Gotham.

Well, uh, I can get you up to speed real quick.

The city's in the shitter. We have a lot of work to do, partner.

Should probably start by taking back the GCPD.

There was a coup, of sorts.

No. Okay, we'll start smaller.

Gotta walk before we can run.

Uh, how about the docks?

No, I mean, I can't work.

I'm trying to do the math here.

Uh, you're back, crime's at an all-time high.

What's the problem?

I'm not physically able. Currently.

Is that why you're sitting? Maybe.

I need a little time to get back to my fighting weight.

Your fighting weight? Okay.

And how long are we talking? A week, a month, uh...

Gotham needs a bat!

I agree.

And I need a partner. Also agree.

And I know the perfect person for the job.

Jim, meet Batgirl.

It's a real honor to meet you, Da... Commissioner.

What's she doing here?

Like you said, the city needs the bat.

The bat inspires fear in criminals, and hope in the people of Gotham.

And with your help, Batgirl can keep that hope alive.

You want us to work together?

It's temporary.

The people of Gotham need to believe that Batman is still out there.


We will literally have the best time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, guys, Batgirl here, and I've got some big news!

I liked it.

Batgirl should have smiled more.

You wanna watch another one?

Fine. Whatever.

It doesn't come out for a week?

This distribution model is ridiculous!

Let's just torrent some hentai.