Hayride (2012) Script

Look here. - 38 years-old Malcolm Guffin was arrested this morning in connection with over a dozen missing-person cases in the surrounding areas.

I'm standing here just a few yards away from what appears To be the final resting place for At least six young girls.

What we're being told is that it's too early and the bodies are too badly decomposed for any physical identification to take place.

Law enforcement apprehended Guffin earlier today, but, unfortunately, it was too late for his latest victim.

Guffin will be transported to the hale county correctional facility as early as tomorrow morning

We'll continue to update you on this truly fascinating and terrifying tragedy coming out of south Alabama.

-Mmm. Wow. -I told you so.

Pay up.

Well, we didn't shake on it.

What a gyp.

Technically, you said "best in Alabama ", so I can't really be proven wrong until I've tried all the barbecue joints in the state.

All right.

It's gonna eat up the weekend, but let's get on it.

Okay, fine. Fine.

You're right.

Holy crap!

That took months.

Yeah, well, don't get used to it.

I won't.

Mmm. That takes me back. - So everything here is either fried or smothered in barbecue sauce?

Pretty much, yeah.

I can see why you liked this place as a kid. - Oh ... here.

I thought you meant the south.

Either way, you're right.

So, are you glad to be home?

Yeah. I'm glad I could finally make good on my promise to come visit for the holidays.


It's Halloween.

Halloween is a holiday?

Well, it is with my family.


They get real into it.

You know, my uncle spends a fortune every year on this Hayride.

Well, I'm kind of looking forward to a hayride.

I think it's gonna be fun.

No. It's terrifying.

I still have nightmares from it.

Are you serious?

Not really.

But it is insane.

They come up with different back stories and have these reoccurring characters.

Like... their own horror characters?

We have, uh, pitchfork and raw-head bloody bones. - I'm sorry... what?

It's raw-head bloody bones.

It's a monster that my grandpa made up that only comes out when it's windy... for some reason.

But ... why ... why was his head raw?

I don't know that.

I never really got that part of the story.

But to this day... wind chimes still creep me out a bit.

Seriously, though, pitchfork... He used to scare the crap out of me.

What was his story?

Well, he ... it changed a little bit as I got older, but Basically, he was a guy that my uncle said would come out on full moons to revenge the death of his daughter... or something like that.

Why does the killer always have to come out at certain times?

That's a good question.

And it always happens to be Under the same conditions, in which the story is being told.

I think you cracked the case.

That's what I do.

So, pitchfork kind of had a lame back story?

No, no, no, no. You have to keep it simple.

You know, "here's the killer.

Here's how he started killing.

Here's who he's gonna kill."

Simpler is scarier. People don't come to these Things to learn some lesson in life or to hear a compelling story.

They come to be scared.

Sounds like lazy writing to me.

I'm just saying.

Well, you know, each year, my uncle would get a little more gruesome with the details, you know?

Add more to the story.

Pitchfork was scary.

Sounds like it.

Yeah, I bet.

So, why do they call him "pitchfork"?

Take a guess.

Because he killed people with a pitchfork.

That's absolutely right.

Your uncle's not a very original guy, I take it.

You'll see.

Wincer, we got a marshal who's down here. I went ahead and sent him on through.

He should be heading your way.

You Wincer? - Yeah. - What are we looking at here?

Well, we got a dead cop, one of yours. We got a dead unknown... local, by the looks of his clothes.

Looks like the cop lost control of the vehicle and our boy took advantage of the situation.

Any idea which direction he went? - South, by the looks of the tracks.

Not much past that.

We put up a perimeter about 5 miles.

All right.

So, we got any houses nearby, any stores, anything?

So you're not from around here, I take it?

No, I'm not.

Well, no.

Nothing else out here.

So, these roads, they don't, uh, they don't go anywhere?

Oh, yeah. They go, uh... nowhere.

We got a lot of that out here.

Okay. All right, how about we take that 5-mile perimeter and push it back 15 miles and you get some black-and-whites to search up and down this... road to nowhere you got here?

You don't think he'll just head straight out?

I think he'll be looking for a change of clothes and some new wheels.

Also, have some volunteers go house to house and let them know what we're looking for.

What do you know about this guy?

I don't know anything about this guy, except that he's bat-shit crazy.

Yes, I'll give him that.

What's the worst case scenario?

You're looking at it.

Hey bud. - Hey, cuz. - How was the, uh, ride down?


Yeah, no doubt.

Hey, what happened to your old truck?

Nah. Got stolen. -Mm.

Long story, don't wanna talk about it.

So, you are still dating with that missy chick? -Nope.

Turns out he was in love with her.

Oh, shit, Tyler.

Hey, look, don't mention that to dad.

It's still kind of a touchy subject.

Speaking of which, where is your old man?

He's up at the barn, just kinda tinkering around with some stuff.

He's got me out looking for missing bear traps.

Bear traps?

We put them to keep out coyotes away from the Hayride.

That sounds scary.

No. They're gone.

Look, how long are you guys gonna be in town?

Three days.

Three days. Okay.

Well, look, uh, I'm gonna get going, but I know dad would love to see you two, so, uh, why don't you just head back up the path and take you a left...

Yeah. I remember.

My bad.

No problem, buddy.

You know, maybe if you'd visit more often, dick...

See you later, man.

-Bye. -Later, cutie.

Ow. Oh, shit.

Hey, there, Captain Morgan.

Here you go.

What is it?

Oh, that's the costume.

Okay. What is this?

Is this the, uh... - Mask.

That's the mask?

Look at that.

Are those eyes there?

-What are you gonna do with that? -Aaaaaaaah!

You're crazy. - Yeah, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to scare you.

Look, I'll give you a ride back, all right?

All right. - How do you walk that far?

Oh, my God.

Ow! Dumbass.

How big is their yard?

Oh, it's huge.

It's a few hundred acres.


Yeah, most of it it's just woods all the way back to the river, though.

There he is. Hey! Steven! - How you doing?

Thought you only worked on boats.

Wow! You brought me a present?

Wow. Look at that.

How you doing?

Good to see you, Uncle Morgan.

Good to see you, Steven.

It's been too long. - That's Captain Morgan.

And this is Amanda. -Wow, hey.

Amanda, this is Uncle Morgan.

Hey, Amanda.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Steven told me a lot about you.

He did? Well, he's a liar ...

Whatever he said.

How was the trip?

Oh, not too bad. You know.

Dumb, where the hell have you been?!

You were supposed to be holding Sam's ladder!

-Oh. -Oh, that's the girls.

That's the Captain Morgan girls.

Here. Look at that.

That one's beautiful. That one's dumb.

They're both pretty, and they're both a little dumb, you know, but, I mean, one's slower than the other, and...

Look, I didn't name them, alright?

Yes, you did.

Uh, you'll know everybody else, though, the whole gang, except for the high schoolers.

They'll be out tomorrow to help out.

So, what you got going on over at the barn?

Oh, you know, just something a little new this year.

I mean, is it part of the ride?

Well, yeah, maybe. Maybe.

Maybe. Mm-hmm.

Well, come on.

Let it out.

Oh, all right.

Uh... all right.

I-I shouldn't say anything, but we're gonna get the riders off the ride this year and let them walk through there.

So, like a haunted house?

A little bit.

Well ... can we see it? -Ah...

You can let me see it.

Yeah, well, I ...

You want to see it?

Yeah, let's go. - Oh, well, then, yes.

I couldn't say no to her.

I love you,too, uncle.

Yeah. I love you, too, man.

My uncle. That's great. So, uh...

We'll just drive on up to the barn, then.

Okay. Alright.

She's coming with me?

No, I think I'm gonna ... - What?

I think I'm gonna keep this one. - Get off me.

I'm gonna keep this one.

Oh, okay. All right.

Good to see you.

All right.

You're not gonna keep her.

You're way over your head.

See you up there.

Hey, Chuck. - Oh, shit. - You are on the clock?

Yeah. Coming back.

Where the hell are you?

About to, uh, run these lights out here at the old hay barn for Captain Morgan.

What you got going on?

All right, man. Hurry up.

10-4 on that.

Oh, yeah. I can hear Morgan now. Yeah, just, uh, you know, throw some blood up right here, you know?

I can guarantee you that's what he was saying.

You weren't kidding.

They go all out.

Yeah, you know, Corey got lost in here once.


Yeah. It was pretty pitiful.

How long did it take him to get out?

Um, until the high wore off.

Quit screwing around, all right?

Ladies and gentlemen, the stylings of Corey.

Hey, not too much.

You might encourage him.

Thanks, pops.

No problem.

Hey, come on.

Let's get together here.

Come on, here.

All right.

I just want to thank everyone for really working your ass off For the hot Hayride this year, all right?

We couldn't have done it without you, and you know that, right? -Aww.

Hayride gets better and better every year, but it gets harder and harder, and I know I don't pay you guys much.

So really, we couldn't do it without you.

Believe me. Thank you.

Thanks for having us.

This is the best part of my year.

Best part of your year?



That just shouldn't to be true, should it?

I mean, thank you, beautiful.

Anyway, thanks for stepping it up today.

We got a lot of done.

If it rains tomorrow, we're gonna have a lot more to do.

The news said 10% chance.

We'll be all right.

Hell yeah, we'll be all right.

So... oh!

I'm gonna need, uh, someone to drive the truck, you know, 'cause Jeff hasn't checked in yet again this year, right?

He'll show up about November... when he comes to.

Yeah, probably.

Oh, that means, uh, I need another zombie.

Anybody want to be a zombie?

Anybody? - I'll do it.

You just have me running audio. - All right.

There you go. It's yours.

Steven, you want to roll? - Nah.

Come on. Why not?

I think I'll just be a rider this year.

A rider, huh?

Okay. All right.

You don't... Look, I got to warn you.

Things have changed since you've been here.

So, uh, who you got playing pitchfork this year?

Oh, are you a rider or a worker?


Oh, you're a rider.

Yeah, so I better not tell you, 'cause it might spoil the fun, don't you think?

I've got you, baby.

Don't worry.

Did he tell you about, uh ...


A little bit.

Um, he mentioned a raw-head bloody guy.

Oh. He did, huh?

Yeah, we had to retire old old bloody bones after grandpa died.

It didn't seem right carrying on without him, right?

We miss him.

But, uh... rumor has it old pitchfork ... he's still alive and kicking.

Who came up with pitchfork, anyway?

Nobody came up. He's real.

What are you talking about?

Come on.

I'm serious.

We didn't make him up. we may have added to the story here and there, but... it's the truth.

His real name is, uh, r.W. Rayborn.

He was a farmer... lived about a mile away from here.

Well, who wants to hear the story?


Tell it!

Oh, alright.

Go ahead and tell them the story, pops.

I'll tell it.

Oh sorry. You can't stay here for the story.

You need to go pry Jason off his girlfriend and get some more beers.

I don't know where he is.

-You don't? - No.

Well, why don't you, uh... find him?

It's dark out there.

It's Halloween. I don't want to go in there by myself.

Oh, that's right.

It's Halloween eve.

It's not Halloween.

You want to die in there with me, or you want to die while you're looking for my dead body?

Uh... why don't you just go get the beer, all right?

And if you can't find him, just buy it.

I mean, there's a change.

I'll come with you.

Thanks, beautiful.

I'll avenge your death, bro.

Thanks, man.

But only if you're killed by a short guy.

Otherwise, no.

All right.

Uh, where was I?

You were just about to get started on the pitchfork myth.

Pitchfork legend.

Same thing.

No, hell no, it isn't... not in my book.

You know, sometimes, something can happen. And it's so traumatic that...

It becomes a legend.

Especially in a small town like this, you know?

People talk, people add to the story, they glorify the details ... whatever.

But it's based on truth, and in our case, the legend is...

... ugly. - Good opening. - Shut up.

Like I said, r.W. Rayborn was a farmer. had a farm, uh, just right off the property line in the back there.

You know, uh, it looks run-down now, but back in the day, it was pretty set.

About the last farmer that existed around here.

And when Rayborn would come into town for supplies, he'd sometimes bring his daughter.

Yeah, the banks had this grand plan to make all this area into a subdivision.

You know, there'd be houses all over here, you know?

They even tried to extend the highway right through here.

Yeah, they pushed my dad's land back 100 yards to make way for that four-Lane.

Yeah. They tried to do that with us a few times.

but, uh... back on the subject, Rayborn's daughter...

I mean, when she was a kid, she was a beautiful little girl, but she did what every beautiful little girl does.

They grow up to be beautiful young ladies.

Now, some say when he would take his daughter on occasion, everyone in town would have their eye on her.

They say he carried a pitchfork Because of her.

And the joke was that if you'd messed with Rayborn's daughter ...

You messed with the pitchfork.

The accounts of this part of the story vary from person to person.

Some say that he entered his house to find that his daughter and her new boyfriend had murdered his wife and the sight threw him into a murderous rage.

But that's not the story I believe.

I believe that seeing that his wife let his only daughter run away drove him over the edge...

And she became his first ... but not last... victim.

Now, old pitchfork had a problem. He knew that his daughter had run off with one of the neighbors' boys, but he didn't know which one.

So he took his revenge out on everyone.

From house to house, he went searching for his missing daughter. [Music box plays]

When it was over, the police launched a manhunt... largest in state history.

They never found him.

Some people say pitchfork found his daughter and her boyfriend.

That's why no one ever heard about them again.

That's not the story my father used to tell. It's not what I believe.

The truth is, he never found them.

They got away somehow, and people around here all want to believe everyone involved is dead.

Legend has it... that when the moon's full and everything gets all quiet-like...

Like it is now...

You can still spot old pitchfork wandering the woods, searching for his daughter ...

And her boyfriend.


God, you kept me waiting long enough.

I was back there for 20 minutes.

Oh, it was worth it.

I knew you were making that shit up.

I didn't make it up.

That story is true.

You can look it up when you go back to school. if you get back. -dun-dun-du-u-un

Okay, that's enough beer for him.

Is the couch comfy?

Yeah. It's okay.

You know I can sleep out here if you want No, I'm fine. It's okay.

Don't worry about me.

You sure?

Yes! I'm okay.

Why don't you just come sleep in my room?

I respect your uncle's wishes.

Although his moral compass is a little ...

He was only half-serious about that.

You can come sleep in my room if you want.

I am fine.

Don't worry about me. -Okay.

Okay. Sweet dreams.

Good night, gorgeous.

I have to pee!

Lucky bastard. I thought you were in there whacking off or something.

You son of a bitch.

How was she?


Who's there?

You ever find those traps?

No. Think somebody stole them.

It was probably Jeff. his trucking business went under, and he is the one who helped me to put them.

Huh. They'll probably turn up, man. -Mm.

Man, it is gonna be a bitch if we have to run all these lights again tomorrow.

We'll be all right.

No problem, man.

We'll get it done.

Yeah. It's a hell of a ride.

Hell of a ride, bro.

Oh! Oh!

You okay? - Yeah. Just couldn't sleep. - Yeah, me either.

Why not?

Uh... mind racing, I guess.

Whole lot of memories here.

Good ones?

Yeah, definitely.

You know, it's weird, but you spend half your life pretending you're not from Alabama, and the rest, you're pretending you don't miss it.

I think we moved around too much for me to really miss anyplace.

My dad's job moved us to San Diego once.

That was really nice.

I bet.

How old were you when moved in with Morgan?


Was your aunt still alive?

Yeah. She... she didn't pass away until I was In high school.

Were you close? - She was my mom for about six years.

I'm sorry.

Nah, it's okay.

She was probably as close as a person could be to a Saint these these days.

She, of all people, didn't need to hurt anymore. So, it was just me, Corey, and uncle Morgan.

Somehow, we made it work. we used to quiz each other on microwave directions for TV dinners and chicken pot pies.

We were scary-good at it. You name the item and the brand, And we could give you the exact time and heating instruction.

Well, that's a valuable skill.

Well, it comes in handy at school sometimes.

But only if it's an older microwave.

If the wattage is too high, my powers are useless.

Well, I didn't exactly have a normal childhood, either.

And I always said when I got older and had kids of my own that our lives would be perfectly normal and boring, you know?

House, fenced yard, dogs, church on Sundays.

Mortgage, arguing about tile in the bathroom, family game night.


I'm in.


That's the plan, isn't it?

Otherwise, what are we working towards? I mean, you've seen the level of normalcy that I had to grow up with.

Why wouldn't I want that?

So, uh... did you wanna...

Are you serious? -Yeah.

We'll wake everyone up.

I think you overestimate my abilities.

I still don't think it's a good idea.

Are you sure?

I'm half done already.

Was that thunder?

I think so.

That's bad, isn't it?

Yep. That's bad.

This shit's coming down. - Yeah. This rain's gonna hurt our tracking.

Well, we could get, uh, canoes for everybody to go out in.

Cause it's raining so hard. - Yeah,yeah. I got it.

Hey, look, first thing in the morning, I need you to get your boys to do a house-to-house, all right?

Notifying or searching?


We've got the manpower.

That is, if, uh..

We have enough canoes.

It was funny. - Nope. No, it wasn't.

Good night, Wincer. - You know, when this is all over, we should get our own buddy-cop show.

All right. Let's huddle up. Come on.

Let's go! Let's go!

Working hard. Well, we gambled, and we lost. All right?

No sense crying about it.

We just have to bust ass, get it done.

All right?

So let's just have some fun.

Got a lot of work to do. Let's do it, all right?

Let's do it.

All right, ready?

Break. Hayride. Hoo!

Let me see, 1, 2, 3, 4 ... 2, 4, 6, 8, 10, 12. Wow.

We're doing a good job out here.

You haven't worked out in a while, have you?

No. It's been years.

Huh? I don't know.

I heard, you know... Last night, I heard some sounds. you're holding up pretty good, right?

Except for the wheezing.

You want an inhaler?

You want me to get it?

I'm good.

Hey, how's school, man?

It's going pretty good.

It is? -Yeah.

You going to class?

Most days.

Yeah, I guess that's enough, right?

So, uh, what do you think of Amanda?

Oh! Whew! I try not to, buddy.

I don't know if it's gonna work between us.

Okay now.

I mean, unless you can say something. Can you say something?

I'm not afraid to take you down, old man.

Oh, really?

Oh, well, maybe you're gonna have to try this.

Okay. Let's see it Oh! Hell! Oh-ho! Oh!

He's serious! Oh! Ohhh...

you love her?

Why would you ask that?

I don't know.

You're getting to the age where you're growing hair in all the right places, i guess, you know?

And, you know, liking a woman is not gonna cut it anymore, you know?

Everything's starting to get serious around here.

Yeah. I do.

Oh. Let me ask you something.

You know, you graduate, finish school, get a job, you know, and it comes down to a choice between your career and Amanda.

Who you betting on?

Hadn't really thought about it.

Do you have to?

No, I guess not.

It's Amanda.

Yeah, it is.

You know, all the years I've been around, you know, I'll tell you what I learned.

The career is nothing but a damn job if you're not working for family.

People are always talking about focusing on their career, working hard to get ahead. I tell you what... you find the right woman...

And you'll spend the rest of your life trying to make her happy.

I got you.

Rest of your money, too, probably.

No, no, no. No, look.

I'm dead-serious.

I got it. I got it.

You know, you're getting all emotional in your old age.

It's kind of freaking me out.

You know, you and Corey are all I got, you know, to carry on...

My legacy.

You know, which one of you two is more suited to take the emotional crap, you think?

That's a good point.

You know, I love Corey to death, but I won't trust him with a fucking hammer.

Don't. I made that mistake.

All right.

So, uh, who's playing pitchfork?


Oh, uh, are you a-a rider or a worker?

Yeah. I think you're a rider.

Man, this is bullshit.

You scared?

He didn't make it this far.

If you're scared, just say you're scared... scared of hobos and hepatitis, um... lurkers.

Yeah, I'm a little scared. Oh, come on.

Let's just go check the house.

As if we haven't talked to enough country people today. - Oh, you like talking to these folks. -Oh, yeah. I do.

And ... shit. Let's do it.

Okay. Now I'm scared. - Yeah. It's getting interesting.

Thanks. That's reassuring.

I'm clear.

Clear. - I'm going upstairs. - Good. Have fun.

Hey, man.

Yeah, go ahead.

Hey, come look at this.

I need you to come look at something real quick.

It's a bunch of dead animals.


Like maybe our boy's been eating them or something. - What?!

Some freak's been fucking eating them. Just come look.


Could you make out what they were saying? - No.

They were walking a line right through here.

They checked in at lunch.

They were near Harlow, right?

Yeah. This is outside our perimeter.

Does anybody live out this way?

I don't think so.

Look, we need to get a roadblock block going into, um... let's see... Brandon, right here.

And I need you to get a team north of Harlow, okay? - You got it.

So what's out here?

Just river, as far as I know.

So what is this?

County woods, a dump... what?

Haven't been out there in years.

Let's go find out.

All right, all right! Hayride! Hayride! Right? Whoo! Yeah!

We're about to roll this thing out, aren't we, huh?

All right.

Look, a couple of ground rules, all right?

The first few rides through, it's just gonna be kids and their parents, so, guys, look, we want to keep it clean for them, right?

I'm not shitting you!

Keep it clean!

All right? You.

And as the night rolls on, We can gradually ... we can Gradually what, girls?

Together: Turn up the heat, Captain Morgan!

Now, gradually, though, right, girls? Right?


I need you guys to, uh, communicate with me throughout the ride.

I got a lot of ground to cover, okay?

That's true. That's true.

If you need relief or a light goes out or something, radio Corey immediately, all right?

There's gonna be a 30-minute break right before the madness ride.

That's just to regroup, go over our plans.

Oh, and, uh, hate to say it ...

No improv-ing this year, all right?

I know we had a lot of fun with it over the years, but our routine is tight now.

If we stay with the routine, I think that's gonna work best for us, all right?

So remember ... everyone has a good time, no one gets hurt.

So, let's rock these people's live and give them the show of their lives, all right?!

Yeah, baby! All right!

All right, guys.

Come on. Everybody, bring it in.

Come on, everybody. Give me... somebody, bring it in.



Hey, where are the other riders?



Aaaah! Aaaaaah!


Somebody help me!

Well, that's our cue. Go get the truck. - What?! I'm not getting it.

Why not? It's your turn.

The hell it is.

I went last time.

You didn't!

Dude, I went last time, and it's really far.

Shh. Boo-fucking-hoo, dude. It's your turn.

Paper, rock, scissors.

No. You can do it, or I can kick you in the balls and then you can do it.

I just love our time together.

I got bad news. Truck's dead. So, just go ahead and head up the dirt path up there and wait inside the old barn.


Hey, guys, we're gonna need another truck up here.

This one's shot.

All right. Come on, guys. Stay together.

They're out. Go get it. Geez!

Dude, what the hell is that?

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

All right. The second group is on foot and headed toward the haunted house.

Morgan? Is that you?

Whoa! My god! Holy shit! Man!

Oh, man! You can't do me like that.

Killer mask, man. Whew.

Hey, hey, hey! Hey!

Should have known to look here. - What do you mean?

It's like some places just attract trouble.

Still not following. What? Did something happen here?

This place attracts death like flies to shit.


Clear left! - Clear right!

Fucking help me!!


There's a legend around here that a farmer killed his family... just snapped one day and started killing.

Never found him.

Is it true?

I do not know if "true" is the right word, but something happened.

You just don't know what, right?

Well, I don't know what really happened and what people just made up, but I know there's a reason people don't come around here anymore.

When I was in high school, group of kids went missing... big search, family hysterical, cops coming around the school asking questions.

Well, they found two of them up here.

The boy evidently stabbed the girlfriend to death, then torched her car.

Did they catch him?

He was in the car, too.


Local people swear...

Old pitchfork did it.


What's that smell? - Shh.

Officer down! Officer down! - Wincer! Wincer!!

Holy shit.

Jesus Christ.

Where the hell is everybody?! - Come on!

It's those dang teenagers.

That's what it is every year.

Half the volunteers are gone.

Where the fuck is Mickey?

Now, look, look, we still got a good crowd out there.

We got to do this.

We're gonna have to improvise.

Uh... Steven, you want to give Corey a hand?

Sure thing.

What about you, Amanda?

You want to be the girl to be yanked off the truck?

Uh... yeah, sure.

Who's doing the yanking? Okay.

Awesome. All right.

Everybody else know what they're doing?


Look, we need to call in every man off that roadblock... get them here right now.

Look, if they're south of Harlow, we need to get them north of Harlow.

This fucker's close by, cuz.

All right, guys.

You know what you need to do.

Let's do it.

Let's bring him in.

Let's do it.

All right, we're gonna start this thing, uh, about an hour later than usual.

I mean, please don't run off, like those other potheads.

Now, I'll call "places."

We go to places.

I'll sound the horn when we roll All right?

Let's go.

Are you sure you're okay riding by yourself? - Yeah. Yeah. I'm okay.

It's, uh, less scary if you're in on it, right?

Okay. Are you sure?

Yeah. Yeah. I'm okay.

Go. Go. Bye.

Ohh! Jesus Christ!

Just stay with me, man.

So Amanda's hot. - Thanks, man. - I mean, at first I was like, you know, "she's cute" you know, "go, Steven."

But now, bro, she is hot.

Yeah, I appreciate it, man.

I mean, she's hotter than you.

She's... supposed to be hotter than me, dumbass.

No, I mean, like the girl you.

Like, if you were a girl, there is no way you'd be that hot.

Aw, I'd be crazy-hot as a girl.

You'd be begging me just to look at you.

No, see, you'd be that girl that I would give a fake number to at a party.

Like, if I'd have nailed you that night, fine, but if not, I'm not trying again Aw, whatever.

That's bullshit, and you know it. - Nope.

Aw, whatever, man.

You'd probably sleep with me now if I offered.

I'm not talking about now.

I'm talking about if you were a girl.

' Course I'd sleep with you now.

That's not the question.

I'm just saying you're not as hot as Amanda Hey, Corey, are you there? - Yeah.

Listen, no one ever reset the barn for the haunted house.


Um, yeah, I'll be there in a second.

Um, yeah, just hang on.

Look, I got to go to over to the barn real quick.

Um... can you help out with the P.A.?

Uh, yeah, man. No problem. - It's really simple.

All you got to do is just hit the button for the werewolf when the kids get out, all right? - Got it.

Just head on down through the trees, take a left.

You mean, those, uh, pitch-black woods out there?

Here you go, pussy. - Thanks a lot, asshole. - Watch out for pitchfork, cuz.

Let's go! Let's go!


Where the hell are you?

Hey, why weren't you at the madness rally?

Dumb was supposed to come and get me.

Ah, that figures.

Wasn't pitchfork supposed to kill me in this scene?

Uh, Captain Morgan said they cut that 'cause someone stole the mask.

-The mask. - Someone stole the mask last year.

Uh, coincidentally, someone stole my ax, too.

Your ax?

No! No, please! Please!

Hey. Hey, it's pitchfork. It's pitchfork.

Fuck, yeah!


Run! Run! Run!

Please, let me go!

Get it off!

Hey, what the hell is going on here?

Amanda, run ...

Hey, you!

Steven, run!

Steven ... who was that?

You alright? - Yeah. Yeah.

Is this, uh, normal enough for you? - No.

We'll get there.

Right there.

Can we start now?


Shit! Holy shit, guys! We got to go! Colby's fucking dead!

Fucking Colby's dead! We...

Corey! Corey! Calm down! Now...

We know, Corey. It's okay.

Who the fuck is that?!

I don't know.

Did you just fucking kill that guy?

I love you so much. I don't know what I'd do without you.

I'm pregnant.

Are you serious? - Yeah. Yeah.


Even after all of this... That's still terrifying.

So, what's the damage? - It's the worst thing I've ever seen... two dozen dead bodies About 10 more seriously injured.

And they just called from the house ... there's a body in the old barn. - Jesus.

Looks like we're way past your worst-case scenario.

Nah, we're in "shit hitting the fan" mode now.

Where is he?

He's out by the barn.

And listen ... he's wearing a burlap mask.

I shit you not. - All right.

Fucking shit. - Yeah.

Who the hell is that?

I know who that is.

There's a legend around here that a farmer killed his family.

Is it true?

You can still spot old pitchfork ...

Wandering the woods ...

Searching for his beloved daughter.

Is he dead? - No.