Heartbreakers (2001) Script

Do you, Angela Nardino... take Dean Cumanno as your lawfully wedded husband... to love, honor, and obey till death do you part?

I do.

Out of the tree of life, I just picked me a plum

You came along, and everything started to hum

You happy, Baby?

I am so happy. It's beautiful, Dean.

It's everything I ever wanted.


Like the song says, "The best is yet to come."

The honeymoon.

Oh, you got a little bit of cake right...

I think we've put in enough of an appearance here, don't you?

Come on, let's go.

I believe it's tradition for the best man to dance... with the beautiful bride.

Piss off, Leo.

Dean, you can't be rude to your friends.

I'd love to dance with you.

The best is yet to come, come the day you're mine Come fly with me, let's fly, let's fly away

Just say the words, and we'll beat the birds Down to Acapulco Bay It's perfect for a flying honeymoon They say, come fly with me, let's fly, let's fly away Congratulations, man. She's great.

I love your friends.

That's the busboy, honey.


You even got me great busboys.

Now let's have one more dance with the bride and groom.

Oh! Ha, ha, ha!

Are you still nervous?


And thank you for respecting my religious beliefs.

I'm really ready now. Thank you, God!

I'm ready to do things to you... that no woman has ever done before.

How about a...


Here it is.

Oh, it's so... tasteful.

Oh, my God.

That's how much I love you, baby.

You must love me... a lot.

Take me, Dean.

Don't tease me.

I'm not...

Not a big fan of this material.




Oh, no.

Don't do this to me, Angela.

Welcome back.

Oh, my God.

What happened?

Not a whole hell of a lot.

Oh, my God. Are you kidding me?

Our wedding night?

Oh, I am a bad wife.


No, no, no.

I do got some frostbite in some very weird places.


You've got your whole life to make it up to me.

And I'm going to start right now.

Yeah? OK.



Oh, my God, I'm going to be sick.

Just give me a minute, baby. I'll be right back.

No, no, no. There's no rush.

No rush.

Look, I got to stop by the office... before we leave for Barbados any way.

That'll give you some time to freshen up.

Let me give you a quick kiss good-bye.

No! No, no, no. That's OK, that's OK.

I--I'm late.

I'll see you in an hour, maybe two.

Here. Put it over here on the rack.

Hey! What the--?

Nice security. Sorry, boss.

I--I went to bed late last night.

But nothing compared to you, huh?

Yeah. Is the Mercedes ready?

Yeah, yeah, just about.

We switched the VIN, and Wendy's making... the pink slip for you to sign up there.

All right.

That's a great wedding present, boss.

Angela's going to go nuts for it, huh?

Maybe not as nuts as she went last night, huh?


Hey, boss, was she worth the wait?

Come on--

Hey, hey, hey!

We're talking about my wife here.

A man's wedding night is his own private, sacred business.

It's not to entertain lowlife scum like youse guys.

Angela's got to be an animal.

Hey, he's even walking funny, huh?

Hey, back to work, all right.

The break is over, guys, come on.

Oh! Congratulations, Mr. C.

I heard the wedding was awesome.

I'm almost through with the docs on the Mercedes.

Oh, thanks, Wendy.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

You need to sign here and I think... here.

Is it hard?


Getting married.

I mean, I haven't been here that long... but I've already heard tons of stories... about you and women.

Yeah, well.

Those days are all over, Wendy.


Thank you.

Ah, damn it.

Here. Let me help you.

Mr. Cumanno.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Wendy.

I--I'm so sorry, I'm just nuts today.

I can't, I can't, I can't.

I'm married, Wendy...

I'm married. I can't.

You're right. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Screw it.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. OK, OK.

Oh, my God.


Is that frostbite?

I'm fine. It's fine.

Piss off, I'm working here.

Baby, it's me.

Shit. Get out. Take the back stairs.

I can't. My hair is stuck.


Dean. Honey.

Ahh, ha, hi.

I was feeling so much better...

I couldn't wait to pick up... where we left off.

Oh, that's great. That's great.

You know what?

I'm just going to finish up here.

I'll meet you outside in a sex--a sec.


I love you.


I love you, too.

You look pretty.

Come on.

Come on. Ow.

Get out. Not so fast.

You are not welcome down there.

Get up. I'm trying.

I can't believe that Mercedes...


Honey, honey, this isn't what it looks like.

I--I swear her hair got stuck in my zipper.

I--I--I wasn't getting nothing.

17 hours we have been married.

17 hours!

The happiest 17 hours of my life.

You just lost the best thing you'd ever had.

Angela, wait.

She seems... nice.

My client has agreed, against my advice... to settle for a one-time cash payment.

$300, 000.

For one day?

One horribly traumatic day in which my client suffered... irreparable psychological damage to her self-esteem.

Oh, and she keeps the Mercedes.



Well, we could drag this before a judge... if you think that would be more favorable.

That would put your client's business under scrutiny.

What was it again, Mr. Cumanno?

Random repossessions?

Give her what she wants.

I can't believe you wore the gray dress.

I distinctly said the blue.

It worked, didn't it? You were lucky.

I was good.

Excuse me.

I wonder if I could ask your help for a moment.

I'm trying to find Route 40.

Route 40? Well, you're on it.

That's it.

What? Where is it?

There. See that black thing... with the lines on it, the cars going?

I'm so embarrassed.

I'm so sorry.

I didn't know where it was.

Thank you so much.

My pleasure.

Sorry to trouble you.

It's OK.

Forget it.

You're not going to kill yourself... and stink up my new car.

Our new car.

Hey! Mom.

I only do these things because I love you, Page.

How was the wedding?


Like all my weddings.

Have you any idea what that meat... is doing to your arteries?

Haven't you heard?

Cigarettes dissolve cholesterol.

No cards, Page.

This is a classy place.

It relaxes me.

So? How did we do?

Not too bad.

How not too bad?

About 80.

Plus the car.

That's it?

For that I lived 4 months in a crap hotel without cable?

Ugh, I'm so sick of this small-time bullshit.

Plus, I had to kiss that greasy mook.

Dean wasn't so bad.

Any way, we'll make more in the next one.

I'm thinking Seattle.

Maybe San Francisco.

Mom, remember our deal?

OK, there is no next one.

This is it. I'm going solo.

Oh, here we go--

It's happening, Mom. Accept it, embrace it, OK?

I am old enough to be on my own.

You have no idea what it's like to be all alone.

I'll tell you exactly what's going to happen.

You'll go off, you'll get lonely.

Some moron hunk will come along, you'll think it's true love.

You'd never been so sure of anything in your life.

And then, bam.

He will pull a conceive and leave... and then it's my life all over again.

Mom, I am not that stupid.

You know what I mean.

Well, you're right. I was stupid.

And it left me pregnant and alone.

If Barbara hadn't taken me in and shown me the con--

And you taught me.

OK? I'll be fine.

OK. Fine.

If you've made up your mind... we will go to New York and divide up everything.

I'll get the check.

Oh, my Lord!


What seems to be the problem, madam?

Well, I was just about to take a bite... and I saw glass. Look.

I am so sorry, ma'am. This has never happened.

Of course your meal is, uh, complimentary.

Armando, a bottle of wine, quickly.

Perhaps a '69 Merlot.

Those shoes are so wrong for this.


I don't understand the problem, Philip.

We deposit our money... and you give it back when we say so.

I'm afraid it's not that simple, Ms. Conners.

Hello. I'm Gloria Vogal.



Oh, I see you've heard of us.

I'm surprised because we so seldom hear from you.

Well, I suppose I might be a little late... with this year's return.

Maybe even the last 7.

Mother, I'm stunned.

I had no idea you would evade your responsibilities... as a U.S. Citizen.

Shut up, Miss Conners.

We've never seen a dime from you, either.

Look, I know what must have happened.

You see, I always assumed that my returns... were filed by my husband.

Oh... which one?

Look, just because I've had some trouble... with my personal relationships--

Ms. Conners... how you earn your money is of no interest to the I.R.S.

Now, how can I put this in language you'll understand?

We just want our cut.

How much?

With interest and penalties, the total comes to $247, 811.


Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Ha ha! I'm afraid that amount is in addition... to what used to be in your accounts.

Your latest divorce settlement arrived this morning.


But that's everything.

It's not all bad.

We give you a full 90 days to pay.


we move for ward with criminal charges... for felony tax evasion and fraud.

Good luck.

Here's the last of our cash.

1, 150...

1, 170...

1, 190.

That's $1, 300 each.

Wow. Have a nice life with that, Princess.

I'll economize. Sure.

You can do your own hair, your own nails.

They actually have some great shoes at Wal-Mart.

Ugh! All right.

One more con, but only if we do it right.

What does that mean?

It means no more small-time crap.

It has to be big.

One big final score to pay off the I.R.S... and set me up on my own.

What are you talking about?

Palm Beach.

Palm Beach?

Forget it.

People that rich are already suspicious.

It's too hard to play.

Palm Beach or nothing.

Too expensive.

Let's find something else.

I am home.

Now, what's the best way to get a room?

I was thinking the Trogdon Triangle.

Right. But where are we going to find... a trumpet and a talking parrot?

I was thinking of something simple, traditional.

The Flopper Diver.

No way am I--


Oh, my God.

She's cracked her head open.

Oh, darling! Oh, careful!

You may be paralyzed.

Call a doctor.

But I'm--I'm sure she'll be fine.

I think I'm--

Just please let me know if there's anything else we can do.

Well, you might consider investing in a mop.

Once again, I apologize. Now, since we seem... to have lost your reservation... we can only let you have this suite for one night.


Uh, then I'm sure we can work something out.

Could everyone please just let her rest now?

Yeah. Hey!

Don't you ever flop me without my consent.

Oh! It had to look real, Sweetheart.

You fall lousy when you know it's coming.

I fall fine!


Oh, shut up!

Hey! Oh, no!


No, stop!

Hey, boss, just got 3 Camrys in--cherry.

Parts will bring 100 thou easy.


And the change of title came through... on the Mercedes. You have to sign.

That bitch.

You know, this is, like, the eighth frame... we've gone through in a week.

Maybe it's time to retire this picture.

Why the hell can't I stop thinking about her?

Was it the legs?

She had amazing legs.

Give me that!

Or maybe it was that she dumped you...

'cause that's never happened before.


Who the hell does she think she is?

She thinks she can do this to me and just walk out?

Well, she's wrong!

I'm gonna find her.

And then?

Then I'm gonna take care of it.

Dr. Arnold Davis.

Made huge money when an old uncle died...

45, pretty good shape.

Who's the old bag?

His mom. She lives with him.

Forget it. He's taken. Mama's boy.

We can get around her.

Pass. Mothers are death.

Can't argue that.

David D. Cummings...

760 million. E-commerce stuff... just ended marriage number 3.


Very big on ironclad prenups... and as you can see, massive competition.

We could handle him.

We'd have to be into a group kind of thing.

Menage a trois?

Try menage a cinq.

Ew. Pass.

Wow. William B. Tensy.

C.E.O. of Tensy Tobacco.

Old money, but also just plain old.

How much?

3 billion with a few million more every day.


Not "hmm." I am not dating the walking dead.

Page, the older the better.

With luck they die right after the wedding... and then you're talking widow money.

I'd have to kiss that?

Well, I'd have to kiss that way more than you.

Well, maybe you're into necrophilia.

We'd better work fast.

Why for once can't we pick someone... who's just a little bit cute?

Dean was kind of cute.

You're in serious denial.

Cute is dangerous.

Cute leads to feeling, which leads to screwing... which leads to screwed.

I know that we can make that doctor and his mom work for us.

Page, we're going with Tensy, and that's that.

That is not that.

Look, if you want to go with Tensy, go with Tensy.

I'm working Davis.

Page, I've told you before, no simultaneous cons.

Too many angles. They always go bad.

Yeah, but it's not just that, is it?


You don't think I can be the primary, do you?

I didn't say that.

Although it does take an enormous amount of skill.

I can make men do anything.

Boys. You can make boys do anything.

Gas station attendants, bartenders... the occasional migrant worker... a one-shot seduction is child's play... compared to getting someone to marry you in 3 months.

4 months.


Well, it took you 4 months this time.

You used to be able to do it in 3.

What are you saying?

That I'm losing it? I'm getting too old?

I didn't say that.

I'm in terrific shape. Feel my butt.

Ugh. I am not feeling your butt again, Mother.

We all know it's wonderful.

I'll tell you what. We'll play for it.

Winner picks the mark.


We'll cut cards.

Right. I'm gonna trust your cards?

See that guy over there at the bar?

First one to get him to buy her a drinkwins.




Yeah, sure is.


Let me get that for you.

Oh, my!

Would you?


Oh, you're so kind.

I'm Betty.

Hi. My name-- Excuse me... may I grab your nuts?



Are you OK?

Can I get you a drink?

We go with Tensy.

Stupid jerk!

He doesn't look so bad-- in this light.

Yeah, his liver spots are positively glowing.

All right, let's run through it one more time.

I know what to do.

Got a light?


Your trash is on fire.

Holy shit!


Good. Now stay by the phone.

Timing on this is crucial.


Always treating me like a child.


Excuse me, sir, but smoking is not permitted.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.



Pardon me.

Is no crime.

OK, Dr. Davis, let's see where you're going tonight.

Good start, Page.


Davis residence.

Yeah, Arnold Davis, please.

I'm sorry, he's just left.

Oh, no. This is--

He left me a message.

I'm supposed to meet him tonight--

I can't read my maid's handwriting--

Who is this?

This is--

Stupid cell phone.

Mrs. Whiler?

Right. Right. This is Mrs. Whiler.

I believe he said the Glades.

Right. And that's on?

I think it's on the far end of Ocean.

Great. Cutting out. Thank--

Hi. Can I get you a drink?

Wow. I've never heard that one before.

You really blow me away with your creativity.

Well, I-- Well, I...

Your recovery is even better.

Do you even care at all who I am?

I mean, I could be the Antichrist or have... the intelligence of a thermos, but unfortunately... those are not the matters the male penis ponders.

So, please, tell me... why did you walk all the way over here... to ask to get me a drink?

Well, because I'm the bartender.


Martini, very dry.


Our next item is an exquisite piece... from the Kerner estate... a stunning work by Feodor Tergeniev... entitled Form in Repose.

I'm looking for an opening bid of 130, 000.


Very good. I have 130. Do I hear 140?


Thank you. Do I hear 150?

150, 000.


I am offer 170.


Was that 175, sir?

I'll take that. 175, 000.


I have 180. Do I hear 190?

Do I hear 190?

I really must hear a number or see a paddle, sir.

I think he--

Yes, ma'am, I have your bid.

It's to you at $180, 000.

Going once... twice... sold-- to the persistent woman on my right.

Thanks. You did good.


Uh, that's $3.50.

I'll flip you for it. Call it.

No, we don't really-- Call it!


Heads. Oh, too bad. Thanks.

Well, Jack, looks like she got a free drink... and one of your balls.

Nah, I just think she's nervous being on her own.

Oh, yeah. She's a delicate flower.

Oh, wait! I think I see crack.

That's just his butt, lady. Let me see.


Hmm. Oh.




Looks good.

From where I'm standing... hmm.


Oh, my God!


What, what? What is the matter?

My--my beautiful man. He ruined.


I'm sure we can have this expertly repaired.

No. Man thing off, deal off.

What good is to me now? He has no "pipiska."

Mother, did you have any trouble finding the place?

This is beyond civilization.

It was impossible to find.

Son of a bitch!


Ow! Ow!


I'm so sorry.

Get away from him! Get away!

I told you it was dangerous to come to these low-class bars.

It stings, Mama. It stings so bad.

Oh, mother will help you.

The retina is detached.

I know it! Ow!

Are you OK now?

Yes. You idi--

"Idi" what?


Subject is en route.

He'll pass the checkpoint in 10 minutes.

Everything set?

Yeah. Of course.

What's wrong, Page?

Mother can tell something's wrong.

Mother knows nothing.

I'm following right behind him... so be sure to remove the spikes.

And he mustn't see you.

He must think no one else is around so we can bond.

I know, I know. You're driving me crazy.

Well, you're driving me crazy.

Well, that answers the question of whether... you're already in a relationship.

Since you can't seem to read my subtle signals...

I'll help you out. Piss off!

Everyone is a little irritable after they choke.

Two headlights. That's not him. Crap.

That was wrong on so many levels.

You! What happened?

What are you doing here?

I followed you. More like stalked me.

Listen, mouth breather, I am fully capable... and really in the mood to kick the shit out of... your psychotic, skulking ass.

Does this look familiar?

Might be mine.

Well, if you're not sure...

Thanks! Now go.

Look, my car doesn't drive so good with a tree in it.

What a baby! It's a flat. I'll fix it.

Wait, first we better go clear that stuff out of the road.

Another car could--

No! I'll do it. Just get the spare.


Look, I'm willing to explore... the whole being dominated thing, OK?

But let's just take it slow.

Uh-oh! Watch out!



What did you push me for?

I saved you, you moron.

That can't be good. I'd better check it out.

Oh, wait, wait! I'm hurt.

No, you're not. Nothing could hurt you.

Are you calling me a liar?

All right, where are you hurt, then?

My ankle.


What the hell?




Jeez, they're really piling up... up there.

My ankle.

Your ankle is fine. I'm going.

Are you mixing medications?

You're ruining the magic, idiot.

I'm much sorry.

Must be glass in road.

Ah, the statue stealer.

Why is it whenever I see you... things seem to be going into the crapper?

You have head injury. I rush you to hospital.

No, no, no.

I don't. No. No.

The police will be along shortly... and they'll sort this out.



Delayed shooting head pains.

Come. To hospital we go.

What about your car? You have flat tires.

Oh, is nothing.


What the hell are you doing? Get off me!


You were the one who... I got to go.

How do I look?

If I were a guy, I'd do you.

You're sweet.

I'm going back to the hospital to see if I can fix... the mess you made last night.

With that on, he'll forgive anything.

He better... for your sake.

Be nice or I won't tell you which eye looks bigger.


Are you going to be nice? I'm always nice.

The left.

Here, use my eyeliner.


I want my purse, jerk-off.

That's not very friendly.

Now, I want you to go back out... and this time, when you kick the door open... say something nice.

You stole my purse, dipshit... and you stole it so I'd have to see your ugly-ass face again.

No, you forgot your purse for the second time... because you were in such a hurry to strand me... in the middle of nowhere. Look, just give it to me.

Or would you rather have my heel up your ass?

Who told you I'm into that?

Pretty rough on the boss, weren't you?

You know, he's not really into ass play.

That's just, like, his sense of humor.

He owns this place?

Yeah, his dad left it to him.

Of course, all these development creeps... are trying to give him, like, 3 mil for the place.

Whole world's going to be Gaps and Starbucks, right?

He's loaded.

Good, Page.


Oh, it's you.

Doctors don't want me to smoke.

It's ridiculous.

They depend on cigarettes.

A perfect scapegoat for their incompetence.

I assume you're here about the insurance.

My attorneys will take care of it.

That won't be necessary.

I have no want to sue you.

Sue me?

My people will tear you a new...

I am only come to see how you feel... my poor, poor, Babushka.

That's very nice of you, Mrs...

Miss. Just call me...


Ulga? Mmm.

Well, that's lovely, Ulga.


I am Ulga Yevanova. I am here to...

Yes. We've been expecting you.

I am Miss Madress. I run this household.

Oh, good for you.

I will announce you.

We have a bitch alert.

Come on, bartender. It's your night off.

Do something fun.

Good boy.

I love it here.

It's the only bloody place left... that doesn't make you feel like a serial killer... for having a damn smoke.

Yes, is lovely.

I'll be your waiter tonight--Vladimir.

Allow me to tell you tonight's specials.

No need for English tonight, Vlad.

We have one of your country women here.

Oh, wonderful.

So, tonight we have...


Da. Da.

Excellent choice. The steak tartare.

Oh, I love a woman who eats raw meat.

That's real nice!

You're not just going to stand there.

Help me.


Isn't that the shoe you wanted to jam up my ass?

No, that was the 6-inch heel.

Now come on.

What are you doing here?



You some kind of wilderness female mud wrestler?

I am an environmentalist studying the effect... of waste run of from the neighboring wetlands.

Oh, well... you environmentalists really dress hot.

Yeah, well... there's no law that says you can't look good... while you're saving stuff.

So, why are you following me?

I'm not following you! Then what are you doing here?

Come on, I'll show you.

You're not out here burying high-school kids, are you?

Well, they egged my car.

What do you do? Spy on people humping in boats?

That's so perverted.

I photograph stars.

Look, just because they're famous... doesn't mean they don't deserve their privacy, too.

Who you got?

The stars up there.

You sneak all the way out here to stare at space and shit?

No, I come here to get away from the lights of the city... so I can see the space and shit.

Why? Take a look.


That's the Crab Nebula.

That is the exact color of a sapphire ring I wanted.


And this... is the great globular cluster in Hercules.

I don't think I want to see that.


Good cluster.

And I think you can also see the Corona Borealis, too.

Wait, wait, I'm not done with the globular thing.


I love to watch a woman eat.

It is surely one of the most sensual acts.

Is such joy to hear my native tongue again.

I deeply appreciate what you say, and...

what you don't say.

Oh, William, so much loudness.

Can we not go somewhere I can relate to you... orally.

All right.

Who will favor us with next song?

We have a fellow country woman here.

No, I am so...

Please, I am so not musical.

Please, uh... How about "Karabuschka?"

I know there isn't a Russian alive... who doesn't know "Karabuschka!"

Karabuschka Da, da, da

Moscow Leningrad


Oh, you know, I am just fooling.

I am so full of good humor.

Flew in from Miami Beach B.O.A.C.

Didn't get to bed last night On the way the paper bag was on my knee Man, I had a dread ful flight I'm back in the U.S.S.R.

You don't know how lucky you are, boy Back in the U.S.S.R.

Been away so long I hardly knew the place Gee, it's good to be back home Leave it till tomorrow to unpack my case Honey, disconnect the phone I'm back in the U.S.S.R.

You don't know how lucky you are, boy Back in the U.S.

Back in the U.S.

Back in the U.S.S.R.

Look, there's another one.

Oh, there's two at once. Did you see that?


God, I never knew you could have this much fun for free.

Well, it's not completely free.

So, are you ready to tell me the truth?


Tell me why you're here, really.

I told you, I'm an environmentalist... student at the University of Miami.

What? You don't believe me?

Well, I'd like to, but...

What about my butt?

Ooh, I got to go. Again?

Yeah, I have work to do. It's 11:00 at night.

I know, but I have to write an environmental impact report.

Will it mention me?

Wait! What's your name? Uh, Jane.

Will I see you again?

Try wishing on a star.

Is that 5 people?

Keys are in it.

Hey, Mom. How did it go?


His infatuation is right on schedule.

You know, you're home now.

You can stop with the accent.

What's that? What's what?

Mud? I gave myself a facial... some special local stuff.

I think I'll to take a nice long shower and go to bed.

Good night.

Smoking is part of the fun of being a kid.

We just did some tests on some 9-year-olds.

After a little puking... why, you couldn't drag them away from the stuff.

You're only young once.

Why not indulge, I always say.

Oh, darling, what matter?

Head pain back again?

No, no, it's all right.

I have a gift for you. A gift?

A gift! Oh!

Oh, a personal fire device.

I'm not insisting you take up smoking... but I thought it would give you some incentive.

There is nothing sexier than smoke billowing proudly... out of a woman's hot, red, engorged nostrils.

That image will haunt me.

Still a little sleepy, my dear?

Oh, no, no, it was another wonderful night.

I think that I deserve a big kiss for that big gift.

Oh, yes.

Is no getting around that.

Oh, oh, no.

We mustn't. God is everywhere.

Yes, he is, isn't he?

Nosy bastard.

I'll have Miss Madress get your purse.

Is he that repulsive to you?

No. Is Russian expression of happiness.

Ptui, ptui, oh, I am so happy.

Save it. I'm on to you.

You're attracted to me?

Oh, flattering, but I no do females.

I've been with him for 7 years.

I've seen him with many women.

I've never worried.

Passing amusements.

But you, oh, you're good, baby.

I no understand. What is you want?

I is want your ex-commie ass out of his life.

I didn't put up with his crap for years... just to be squeezed out right before he kicks.

I've put in the time, and I expect a big payoff.

Oh, you must believe, I have true feelings for him.

Oh, spare me your Bolshevik bullshit.

Either you disappear... or I tell him exactly what I saw.

Your dark honesty is refreshing... but please, I beg you...

Leave me one more night to bow out gracefully.

I have something for you.

I know it's not the sapphire you wanted, but...

It sure isn't.

It's a meteor fragment.

Like the ones we were watching?

That's been to the far reaches of our solar system and back.

No lousy sapphire has ever pulled that off.

You don't do anything like normal people, do you?

Some things.

Kitchen's through there.

Master bedroom's upstairs. Her room is down the hall.

You have 7 minutes.

Here you go.

The thing that's screwing us... is all this secondhand smoke nonsense.

They've convicted the tobacco companies... without a shred of evidence.

Hmm...is oddness.


Costly lighter gift you gave is missing.

Oh, you must have left it somewhere.

Never. I cherish too much.



Is inconceivablish.

What is inconceivablish?

Well, your housekeep did much admire... and when she give me purse to leave yesterday, was open.

Sir, I swear to you...

I would never take so much as a hairpin from this household.

Is this not clothing you wear yesterday... when you see me out?


She set me up.

She could have slipped that into my pocket any time.

You doubt me?

Oh, William.

Oh, how you can sleep on so lumpy a...

My wife's old jewelry.

Why you are stealing from loyal, kind employer man?

No! It's her. Can't you see?

You bitch!

My cigarettes?

I feel like vomiting.

Oh, please, Mr. Tensy.

I have been a dedicated and trust worthy servant... for over 7 years.

Look into my eyes.

You must believe in my complete and total innocence.

If it's at all possible... could you slap her around a little bit?

That's very good, Darling.

You're doing better.

Come on, let's hear a little pain.

I've set you up with an interview... for Tensy's housekeeper position tomorrow.

Tomorrow? That's Saturday.

Well, there are no weekends in conning, dear.

I'll go the first thing Monday.

No, you'll go tomorrow.

We can't take the chance of someone else getting that job.

You have to start getting close to him now.

My god, he's days away from popping the question.

No way.

You couldn't have gotten him that far this fast.

Have you really learned so little?

One month flat. That's a new record.

Mom's still got it.

Jack, I'm still coming to the game.

I just may be a little late, that's all.

Well, hey, I'm sure the van can wait... for, like, 5 minutes.

Look, I-I'll probably make it on time anyway.

I gotta go.


Sorry I'm running late, Miss Breckenhall, but...

I've been losing consciousness more frequently lately.

Allergy season, I think.

Well, it's no problem at all...

But please, call me Allison.

Oh, well...

Allison, I--

I just have a few questions to ask you.

Do you smoke, Allison?

No. No.

Well, uh...

we gotta go!

She said she'd be a little late.

20 minutes is not a little.

We've entered stood-up territory.

Then I worked for the English Ambassador... to Turkey for 4 1/2 years, until they shot him.

Oh, they shot him?

But I kept cleaning... right up until they burned the embassy down.

Well, that was very loyal.

So, when should I start?

If you could just... fill out this application form... then I can, uh... verify your employment.

Oh, certainly.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.


I'll get towel.

Y-You seem very dedicated to your work, Allison.

Something inside me-- this need to please my employer in any way possible.

Here is towel.

And I find other employment form.

Oh, well...

I-I don't think that'll be necessary.

Allison seems... more than qualified.

Hmm, it's still wet.

Not bad, huh?

Oh, what?

It's just a little hacky... to go right for the member massage.

What are you doing the rest of today?

Oh, um, I don't know.

Beach, nap, nothing.

See ya.


Shit! Shit! Shit!

You really are a delicate flower.


You missed the game. Why didn't you go?

I don't know.

My friends have this theory that...

I'm in love with you.

Hello, Daughter.

What are you doing here?

I thought you'd be out with Tensy.

Sometimes people aren't where they say they're going to be.

Oh, well, I got bored hanging around here... so I took myself out for a walk.


I saw you with your boy friend.

You spied on me?

So, this is why you've been being so nice to me.

I have not been nice to you.

You betray me for some bartender.

That bartender happens to own the bar... and has a firm offer to sell for 3 million.

You're not ready, Page.

Yeah, so not ready that I already got him... to say he loves me.

I mean you're not ready to con a guy... without falling in love yourself.

Give me a break. I am in complete control.

I saw the kiss.

Your eyes were closed.

That was the sun.

Last time the sun got in my eyes...

I wound up with a daughter.

Yeah, and that's just about the worst thing... that ever happened to you, isn't it?

I'm a pro, Mother, and I'll prove it.

There, nothing... but the best from you.

Well, give me a chance to make it even better.


What's wrong? I got ta go.

Why? Because I'm no good for you.

I'll be the judge of that.

No, I just-- you have to trust me.

I am not a good person.

No, you are good.

You may not know it, but I do.

You come on tough, but it's all just an act.

I mean, you don't even believe... in sleeping together before marriage.

You're like a Brady or an Osmond or something.

Look, you don't get it, OK?

I haven't been completely honest with you.

Look, I know you're not really an environmentalist.

Who cares?

The important thing is...

I love you and I want to be with you.

I got ta go.

You win. I drop the con.

It's for the best, Dear. Shut up, Mother.


You are a lifesaver.

To pull that job off on such short notice--

I was taught by the best.

I had a blast.

I've been out of the game for so long...

I've forgotten how much fun it could be-- even though we were conning your own daughter... who I haven't seen since she was what, 4?


But we weren't conning her.

We were protecting her.

She wanted to run off on her own... and this was the only way to stop her.

You know, you won't be able to stop her forever.

I know that.

You know, Page is an amazing, brilliant, talented girl.

But she's still green.

When she's ready...

I'll be the first one to tell her.

And you're sure she's not ready now?

I just caught her kissing some loser... with her eyes closed.


I'll get this.


I'm still learning from you.

Sweetie, I'm home.

Sounds like a good day.

Yeah, it was fantastic.

Yech, what is Tensy...

Like, the largest producer of phlegm... on the East Coast?

I just officially quit smoking.

Well, the good news keeps on coming.

Hey, I got a killer dress for tonight.

That, plus the official letter cannot fail.

You want to see? No. I'm going out for a walk.

Ok, well, uh...

I'm already late.

Jane, Jane! Don't hang up!

You gotta give up on that girl, man.

Yeah, there's something weird about her.

Yeah, but that's what I liked.

Me, too.

What are you doing here?

I was coming to you.

Let me in.

I have a surprise.

Uh, moment. I'm, uh...naked.

I don't see a problem there.

Here I come!

Oh, my. Completely restored.

Only 7,000 for a new willy.

It's so nice.

But, uh...

William, you know how the Lord feels... about having men in hotel room. even a man who has ordered... champagne and oysters from room service?

It's OK. I didn't charge it to your room.

I cannot anymore see you.

Why on earth not?

Oh, let us leave at that.

Make pain less.

Good-bye forever.

No, no. What is this all about?

"We regret to in form you that your application...

"for permanent residence has been denied.

"you must leave the country no later than tomorrow."

I try everything, but is very political red tape... to get green card, and I am loophole less.

Well... this is horrible.

And to think I was going to ask you to marry me.

Marry you?

Yes, yes, I, uh... purchased a ring and everything.

But with your leaving...

I am but ignorant, unintelligible foreigner... but if you marry me, I believe that puts, uh... kibosh on deportation.

Really? Yes.

Oh, Ulga...


Will you--

What? What?

Marry me? Ohh...marry you?

Oh, is legal question.

Yes, I will, is binding answer.

Leave me alone.

I'm engaged!

We're talking a settlement of 20 million minimum!

Oh, we're finally set for life, Darling!

I just have time for one quickwhoo!

I said whoo. Why won't you talk to me?

There's nothing to say.

I scared you when I told you I loved you, didn't I?

Jack, there is no love.

It's just a trick of the brain... a combination of hormones and chemicals.

Then why are you here?

Tell me to my face you don't love me.

I don't love you.

Wow, that was more believable than I thought it would be.

Look, I know I freaked you out by moving too fast... with all that "I love you" stuff.

So, let's just... get married.

I gotta go.


That is jarring.

My love, tonight we will celebrate... this ecstatic joining of our spirits... with the union... of our aching bodies.

Oh, you have stomach cramp again.

No, no, no. I ache for you, my pumpkin.

Let's hump. Oh, William, my religion!

Humping is not yet allowed. Oh, of course it is.

I proposed, you accepted.

To God, everything else is just paper work.

Oh, William, I insist we wait till after wedding.

Ulga, I am much more powerful than you.

Just relax and enjoy it.

Oh, always something in your mouth.

Are you dead?

Why me?!

Oh, wake up, you disgusting shit!

20 million.

What? I need you here.


That's real attractive.

We gotta get him out of here... and make it look like he died at his house, alone.

Room service.

Let's get him to the bedroom.

Ok... too far.

Uh, balcony?

Oh, just-- just hold him. I'll be right back.

Champagne and oysters.

All this just for you?

Oh, yes.

I mean, someone is joining me.

I'll open the champagne.

That's all right. I'll take care of it.

Thank you. It's, uh... tip's included when it's paid for, good night.


I ask you to do one simple thing.

Oh, I don't consider holding a 500-pound corpse simple.

Ok, if you hadn't flung open the door--

I didn't fling it!

Look, we just have to get the body back to the house... and everything will be fine.

Have you seen her?




I'll meet you by Tensy in 5 minutes.

He looks really pissed. I'll handle him. Go!

Oh, god.

Angela, stop!

I have missed you so much! So much!

I can't stop thinking about you.

I've never been so in love with anybody... in my whole, entire life.

I'm begging you, please.

Please, just give me one more chance.

One more chance. Marry me again.


Get up.

How'd you find me?

The title for the Mercedes came through.

It listed this place as your temporary address.

I drove straight through just so I could see you.

Your hair's different. It looks really pretty.

I like it. Come here, give me a kiss.


Oh, no. No, no, no. Angela, I've changed.

I've totally changed.

Look, look, look.

This place is crawling with prime trim.

I'm barely even noticing.

I...can't deal with this right now.

No, no, no. Angela, listen to me.

I'm not leaving without you.

I love you... and I don't care who hears it.

I love her. I love her. I love her. I love her!

What do you want me to do?

I--I'll sing. You want me to sing?

Come fly with me Come fly, come fly Shut up!

What do you want, baby? I'll do anything.


I had no idea you were into this stuff.

I've been trying a lot of new things lately.

Oh, no, no. Wait, wait.

I don't know about that.

Are you questioning me?

No. No, no, no. It's just--

Kiss my foot and apologize.

I'm sorry.

Good boy.

Ooh, yes.

Now, I'm just gonna get some whipped cream.

I got no problem with that.

I'll be right back.

Hurry up.

Careful, we don't want any more damage to the body.



You want your bed turned down?


Look. I don't need anything.

Please, just get lost.


You know, I've been cleaning... this room for 3 weeks, and so far, no tip.

Fine. There's 20 bucks in my pants over there.


How about I sit on your kinky face for a while... while you think about that.

OK, OK, OK. 50!

That's more like it.


Both of these wallets yours?

Two wallets?

Untie me.

Now, that'll be another 20.

All right. He's sleeping.

He wakes up having... one of his famous coughing fits... flails around and falls right onto the statue... becoming penilely impaled.

That's believable, right?

I just really need a shower.

Where's the penis?

It's still there.

It's just the rigor mortis is gone... so there's no wood.

Not his, the statue's.

Oh. It's still in the car.

I'll get it. There you go.

Oh, this is--

This is unbelievable.

Oh. Oh, God.

Oh, God. You are so enormous.


Oh, God, please.

You gold-digging whore.

You're already working someone else, huh?

Get off of her, asshole.

Get off, asshole.

Don't shoot him, Dean. Why not?

Because he's already dead.

Oh, you are one sick slut.

I am not a sick slut.

One penis coming up, mom.


Uh, hello.


You're her mother?

It's just a nickname.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my god.

You two played me.

Oh, no. No.

That whole marriage was bullshit... and this one you even offed!

We didn't off him.

He coughed himself to death.

Yeah, right.

You let your own daughter seduce me?

Do you have any idea... how much therapy you people need?

Look, Dean.

I don't blame you for being upset.

We did an awful thing.

For the first time, I feel really bad about it... but maybe, despite all this craziness... there's still hope for us after all?

There's more hope for you and him than there is for us.

Dean, please tell me it's OK.

I love you.

Forget it.


Look. You brought this on yourself.

You cheated on me. You set me up to cheat!

We can't make a scumbag... do anything a scumbag wouldn't do anyway.

Shut up, junior slut. Get over there.

You know, you two got some brass balls... in those panties, I'll give you that.

In the few moments you have left...

Ii want to see some begging and some pleading.

Uh, Mom?

Dean, you got so many tells.

You are not the killing type.

Don't screw with me. I'm on a fine edge here.


See? No bullets.

Fine. So I'm not that big on homicide... but I could do worse.

I found all your I.D.s, all your aliases... and I'm gonna get them to the cops... when they start investigating decomposing boy, here.

You two are gonna dry up in some filthy lesbo lockdown... with bad lighting!

I don't have to kill you to kill you.


Dean, wait!

Look. What if we gave you back your money?


I stopped walking, didn't I?

But first you got to help us... make it look like this creep died here... alone and peaceful... so there's no questions.

You know how to do that?

I'm from Jersey, aren't I?

Boy, Dean was really incredible with that body.

Well, are you gonna let me in on the play?

What play?

You promised that mook 300,000.

When we take him to the bank tomorrow... we're only gonna be, oh, about 300,000 short.

The money will be there. What?

I don't want a big scene about this, Page... but Mrs. Vogal from the I.R.S.

Was more of a "protecting you from making the worst mistake... of your life" thing than it was... a "the government came and took all our money" thing.

What? I pulled a tiny little con... to keep you from leaving.

Oh, you bitch! You bitch!

Hey, look, wait!

Stop it. You're gonna kill us!

Stop it!

There seems to be a problem with your account, Ms. Conners.

It was closed yesterday.

That's impossible.

What the hell is going on?

Nothing, I swear.

Here's the signature.



I gave my old partner all my account numbers... for the I.R.S. Scam... and that hag ripped off every penny we ever stole!

Tell your fairy tales to your cellmates.

Look. For once, she's telling the truth.

And I'm gonna believe the seed of Satan?

Skank, give me the keys to my car.

Give me the keys to the Mercedes.

That's it. Good-bye.

I can't believe it.

I can't believe this.

I've blown both our lives.

I'm sorry, Page.

I'm a terrible person.

I'm a terrible mother.

I'm a terrible everything.

You're finally seeing things clearly.

What the hell are you doing?

You want money?

The guy who wants to marry me is worth 1.5 in a divorce.

She's just gonna screw with him again.


I'm sorry. I was just wondering... how long you're gonna stay this time.


I know that I've been horrible... but all this talk about love and marriage... it can make anyone act freaky.

I know that I must seem like a mean, selfish bitch...

No, you seem like the sweetest... most wonderful person I've ever met.

What a moron.

Friends... employees... beer wholesaler...

I have an announcement.

Jane and I are getting married.

That is awesome!


Jane, come here.

So, uh, Jack, now that you have some, uh... extra responsibilities, that doesn't mean... you're gonna change your mind and sell this place, does it?

No, we'll do just fine.

Thanks, man.

Sell what, honey?

Oh, nothing. Just some guys offered me...

3 million for the bar and the land.

3 million?

That sounds like something.

Well, yeah, but this place was my dad's.

You know, it's home.

It's too late, anyway.

They got another lot down the road.

There's no money. I'm bailing.

No. Wait! You can still get... a decent settlement out of this guy.

He'll lose the bar.

This is wrong. It's over.

What the hell is your daughter doing... growing a conscience on my score?

Don't make her do this.

I'll figure a way to get you your money.

No. I'm tired of waiting. We're doing it.

May I have this dance?



You gotta go. I gotta go.

Is that who I think it is?


It is. How are you, darling?

Pissed off.

We were just on our way to see you at the hotel... but we thought we'd stop by here... for a drink.


This isn't Jack, is it?

Jane is always going on and on about you.

I think she's in love!

I'm Betty, Jane's second cousin... and this is my brother.

Vinny--Vinny Staggliano.

I'm afraid you caught us at a weird time.

I just asked Jane to marry me, and--

Oh! That's great!


Actually, I think she's having second thoughts.

That's just the way our Jane is.

Yeah, but she gets over it, though... especially now that family's here to give her a little shove.

Come on, you two... why don't you kiss and make up?

I'm not really in the mood. Go on. Kiss.

That's nice. There you go.

I think your relatives are gonna like Bill's boat.

Who cares what they like?

Nice boat.

Ooh! Oh, oh!

I'm so sorry.

I'm so clumsy.

That's OK.

How you doing, Skippy?


Hey, you.

I got the lotion.

Who's got the hands?

Don't look at me.

I don't like getting all gunky.

Jack, would you mind?


You are the most kind, wonderful man.

Look at all the fish!

Got it.

This is gonna be a fun trip.

I honestly don't know why... you'd want to wear an off-the-shoulder.

This is what I want, and it looks fine.

Fine. What would I know?

I've only been married 13 times.

All right, I'm coming out. You better be nice.

I'm always nice.

What's wrong?


Fine. If you're gonna be sarcastic.

I'm not being sarcastic.

It's perfect.


There's nothing you would change?

Not a thing.

Oh, my god.

Well, I might just... see what it looks like without this in here.

I take it back.

No. No. I...like that idea.


Mother likes it?

Oh, I'm not... she's not my mother.

You really are good at this.

I'm almost buying it.

Ladies and gentlemen... friends and family... we have come here today... to celebrate two wonderful people... who have managed to find each other... in this sometimes seemingly cold world... and pledge their hearts.

Do you, Jack Withrowe... take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife... to love her, honor her, and cherish her... until death do you part?

I do.

And do you, Jane helstrom... take this man to be your lawful wedded husband... to love, honor, and to cherish him... until death do you part?

I do.


I do.

I now pronounce you husband and wife... and you may kiss the bride.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you...

Mr. And Mrs. Withrowe. Shut up.

Wise men say Only fools rush in But I can't help Falling in love with you...


Make sure he sees you drinking a lot.

That won't be hard.

There's my wonderful new daughter-in-law.

Are you avoiding me?

Uh, no.

I gotta go.

Don't let it bother you.

She's shyer than shit.

Uh, what is it you do, Mr. Staggliano?

College professor.

Uh, what do you teach?

College stuff.

What are you, a fucking cop?

Congratulations. Thank you.

I'll only need 30 minutes.

It won't work. He loves me too much.

Men don't turn women down.

Just like our first date, only less mud.

It's beautiful.


Always know just the right thing to say.

I love you...


I love you very much.

You're different, aren't you?

I mean, you would never let anything ruin this, would you?

Well, sometimes these hotel soaps irritate my skin.

I'm serious.

Say nothing will ruin us.

Nothing will ever take me away... or keep me from loving you.

Can I have some water?

I think I drank too much champagne.

What are you doing out here alone?

Oh, my wife celebrated herself into an early coma.


Well, her loss is my gain.

Walk me to my room.

I have a wedding gift for you.

Oh, no, that's ok. I was just gonna--

Oh, come on.

You can't turn down a wedding gift, you know.

It's bad luck.

I never heard that. Sure.

Everything to do with weddings is bad luck.

Uh, I can only stay a minute.

Will you just relax?

OK? Sit down.

This hotel is so nice.

I'm so glad my brother and I decided to stay here, too.


It's... you, uh--ahem--mentioned something about a gift?

You're so greedy.

But I happen to have it right...here.

Cognac! Huh! Wow!

80 years old.

Uh, Jane is gonna love this.

Thank you so much.

Oh, oh, oh-- can't we just try some?


I thought you might not want to wait alone.

Could be wrong. Oh!

It feels good going down, doesn't it?

It's, uh... it's really good.

No, thanks. I, uh...

I should be getting back to Jane.

Jack, she's asleep.

OK? Come on.

You deserve to have... a little bit of fun on your wedding night.

It's just fruit.

It's just a waste of time.

He's just gonna throw her out on her ass.

I'm not worried.

Is that why you're melting down the remote?


You've got a tiny bit of cream... right...

I got to go. Oh, oh, oh. Why?

I just can't do this. What's the matter?

Is it because you don't find me attractive?

No, no. A part of me is very, very interested... but the other parts are yelling...

"You just married her cousin."

Jane would never know, I promise.

Yeah, but I would.

I could never do that to someone I love.

You really do love her, don't you?

Yeah... and I really should be getting back.

Look, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

I feel terrible. Please don't leave like this.

Can't we just, you know... have a make-up drink or something?

I'll be good, I promise.


That's it. I'm going over there.

No. It isn't time yet.

I don't care, you sick shit.

I can't do this to him.

You see? It hurts when you screw around... with people's feelings, doesn't it?

Not as much as this.

Oh, my God.



I'm sorry.

While we are willing to admit... some wrongdoing on the part of my client... given the extremely short duration of the marriage--

No negotiation.

Give her whatever she wants.

We talked about you not saying that.

Give her whatever she wants.

I don't know what happened.

It was weird.

There is only one man in the world.

What the hell is taking so long?

Oh, relax. You'll get your money.

You destroyed my daughter, but you'll get it.

Hey, I was standing around minding my own business... when you bitches came along and ripped out my heart... for a game of hacky sack.

Don't give me that. Come off it.

We're both the same--scum.

We are not the same.

I wasn't lying when I said "I do."

No, you were lying when you tried to nail Page.

Look. Where I come from, guys make mistakes sometimes.

Didn't change the fact that I loved you.

I just know I wouldn't do it again.

Because you got caught. No, because of what I lost.

I'm not the only guy in the world that's ever screwed up.

Even a goody-goody like Jack can't keep his wang in the hangar.

Yes, he can. What did you say?


No, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

What did you say?

I micked him.

Stryctotoxy... somewhere bet ween out and awake.

It just makes people easy to handle.

Whoa. Wait a minute. You're kidding.

He said no, and you still let her believe... that he went for a soil sample?

You know what? That's a new low, even for you.

Look. You wanted your money.

What was I supposed to do... tell her the man you forced us to con... was the only decent guy she ever met?

But you know what? This is just too sick.

I thought this whole revenge thing was gonna be fun... but you've done everything you can to ruin it.

I don't even want this guy's money now.

Well, I don't want it, either. Well, I'm not taking it!

Well, neither am I! Well, neither am I!

I'll take it. What?!

You said you didn't want it.

You should tell your daughter the truth.

What for? He's only gonna end up hurting her anyway.

She's better off with me, OK?

I'll protect her.

From what? From love?

From pain.

Love is pain. Life is pain.

You can't protect anybody from it.

It's always gonna get you.

But sometimes, life can also be good.

But you got to be open. You got to take chances.

You got to let go.

What self-help guru moron taught you that?

Nobody had to teach me nothing.

It's common sense.

And Deepak Chopra is not a moron.

I've seen a lot of crap in my life... but the way you're cheating her out of any chance... for a decent future really sucks.

Of all the lousy things you've done... you should be most ashamed of that.

And what you did to me, too--

I don't want to completely leave that out.

Here's your money. I don't want the money.

Good luck with psycho mom here.

What was that? I took care of it.

How? I don't want to talk about it.

Let's just get out of this goddamn place.

So... where are we going-- Seattle or San Francisco?

You know, you don't have to stay with me.

There's plenty of money for you to set up on your own... and you can have all of it.

Thanks, mom.

You're the only person in this world...

I even half-trust.

What are you doing? Turning around.


Promise you won't attack me? What is it?

We're traveling at high speeds.

It would endanger both our lives.

What is it?

Jack turned me down... so I kind of... I micked him.

Oh, you are the most evil, manipulative--

You're right. I am.

I've just been so afraid of losing you... or of you getting hurt like me.

But I can't protect you.

I just get you hurt in different, sickways.

So you might as well get hurt... in your own healthy, normal ways-- ways you come up with on your own... and can't blame me for.

Oh, it's a hug. I can pull over for a hug.

Now, don't cry too much. You'll look like hell... when you go back to him, OK?

You should wear the blue dress.


Right. Wear whatever you want... except what you're wearing.

What are you doing here?

You know what I'm doing here.

What, you thought I'd still want you... after what you did to me?

You don't? OK. Fine.

All right, wait, wait. OK. OK. Fine.

So I still want you. No kidding.

But don't you ever cheat on me again.

Ever. Ever! OK. Fine!

I mean it.

Because if one day... you happen to notice some gorgeous girl giving you that "Let's screw around" look... just remember, she may be working for me.

All right. Fine.

But you?

No more conning. No more.

If you're gonna be my wife... you've got to live a respectable life... chopping cars.

First you got to help me with one thing.

Well, first you got to help me with one thing.

You're not gonna fall asleep on me again, are you?

I feel pretty good about tonight.

Look. I don't want to go in there.

The bank owns it now.

There's still some stuff they said you left.

I cleared out everything.


How? My name is Page.

I never realized I could feel this way again... that I could be so totally in love with someone.

I feel the same way, Stanley.

You're beautiful. Thank you.