Hell and Back (2015) Script

Aloha, foolish mortals!

You have come upon the gates of hell.

Prepare to meet your fiery fate in an orderly fashion.

Three lines, please.

Boo.

Come inside the gates where we have no used condoms to step on.

What about you, guy texting?

Why don't you text the rest of your boy band to come down to hell?

Anyone? Any takers?

That was pathetic!

You don't know the first thing about carnival barking.

Time for school, son.

Hear ye, hear ye!

Repent now, foolish mortal, for ye enter now the gates of hell!

That is how that's done. Enthusiasm, bro.

And always throw the horns. Always!

Yeah, man, 'cause there's nothing depressing about old metalheads still throwing up horns.

Listen here, skinny jeans fucknose.

This place can't survive forever without customers.

No customers, no money.

No money, no park.

No park, no park.

"No park, no park." What are you, a valet at P.F. Chang?

You do know that you just repeated yourself, right?

Or did you get pummeled with so many leather dildos at a Judas priest concert that you have no idea what you're saying right now?

Listen, it would be an honor to be fucked by Judas priest.

You don't know shit about dick or rock or roll.

Get that lubtard to fix this shit. I'll tell him.

You can also tell him that he looks like a prime candidate for type 2 diabetes.

So funny, Cleb. You know, I hear you talking about my friend, but it looks like the words are coming out of a dog-shit snowman.

Hey, man...

Do you have a time machine so I can go back in time and punch your mom in the stomach so you don't grow up to be you?

Uh... uh... bitch-head.

Augie! The ride's broken again.

I'll punch your dick off with my mouth, bro.

Okay, red is the relay and white is the ground.

I'm sorry! I just shorted out part of my body.

It's very dark in here.

Just let me get a flashlight, and then I'll...

Okay, so I'll just need to check the...

Hello? Madame Zonar?

Tell me, do you believe in destiny?

Why? Should I?

Do you believe that your heart will stop because of all the fat that has collected around it from the junk food and garbage that you eat?

I can only imagine that your veins are filled with grease and tacos and Cheetos.

Do you believe in this destiny?

Well, I mean, I...

Mr. fat, fat, Fattykins.

Okay, I just need to find your breakers.

It's true that I smother my sadness with Carbs.

It's my private shame.

Shit! Ow...

I sense that you are good with your hands.

Thanks, thanks. Please, sit down.

You are talented, young one.

But you spend too much time fucking your hand.

What? How did you...? Yes.

And your hand doesn't enjoy it. It's not consensual.

No. Now, that's not true at all. That's...

So, basically, you're raping your own hand.

No. -And that is why nobody loves you.

You're way off. Nobody will ever love you.

Augie, what are you doing?

Please, sit down.

Madame Zonar, dreamer of desires, senses a need within you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I work here.

Can you not talk like that? You're an adult on planet earth.

Well, maybe if you put a circuit breaker on my crystal ball, I could do my job here.

Yeah, we got to get this whole place in shape or we're all gonna be out of jobs, okay?

You could use some shaping up yourself.

I know I may be old and wrinkly, but my power can provide.

Oh, really? So can my vagina.

Not my breasts so much. They've been used and abused.

You know what? I take one look at you and my dick hops out of my pants, goes and gets a gun, and blows the head of its own dick off.

That is not the first time I have been told that by a man.

Bro, I saw the way you were looking at her.

Wait, what?

Thinkin' about throwin' madame boner a part of your baby dick?

Remy, that's fucked up, dude. No way.

Come on, Augie, you need the experience.

And she rubs balls for a living.

And they're crystal, so at least she'll be careful, but she's like a thousand years old.

I mean, she must be like a sandpaper factory down there.

Dude, don't knock sandpaper.

My cat licked my penis when I was in sixth grade, and I still think about it.

Not again.

We got to put this horse down. Dude, this place is in trouble.

The gates of hell's our main attraction, and it's falling to shit.

Yeah, I know.

Well, you're the handyman, Augie. So, fix it.

No, no, no, no, I would, but Cleb told me there's no money to fix it.

Ouch! Hey! Sorry.

Ouch!

Did you ask curt for the money?

No, no, no, 'cause he's...

The assistant manager!

Cleb's the manager.

His name is Cleb. I mean, imagine his parents.

Yeah, it does feel like they gave up just as soon as they started choosing baby names.

Hot fuck action to the Max that's what I like, fuck action clockin' out.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You're seriously leaving early?

That's right, got a hot date tonight with madame Zonar.

Oh, you mean the fortune teller?

I'm pretty sure I saw her on deck today slipping around in what appeared to be her own vomit as she was trying to poo off the side of her boat.

That's my lady.

Well, not to be a dick, my friend, just pointing out the obvious here.

You don't really have any skill sets. Yeah.

And then, you know, you smoke a tremendous amount of weed.

Right. And you spend all your time... talking to alcoholic, mentally ill fortune tellers.

That's me.

All while the rides are in dangerously bad condition.

Whoa! I told Remy to tell Augie to fix them.

That buck has been passed.

Well, yeah, right, but still, I mean, one of us has to maintain a safe park.

You know, so our customers don't die on the rides.

Well, I guess we got to figure out who's gonna do that. You or me?

Well, since you're the manager...

Four-20.

See you tomorrow. Awesome.

All right, thank you so much for all the stuff you do, Cleb.

Whatever that is, bud.

Jab, jab, jab, jab.

You're going down!

Watch out now! Oh, shit.

So, dude, after break we need you to order some parts for the gates.

Not this time. The park is done.

What? What?

The park is done? Bullshit!

We just got a letter from the bank. The place is bankrupt.

Bankrupt? How could you let this happen?

Me? This place is a dinosaur, man!

Other parks have roller coasters that rearrange your organs.

We got a squirt gun balloon race and a needle exchange program.

Curt, remember the three of us were gonna bro-out here forever?

I don't know what to tell ya. Maybe I'll go to college.

Oh, really, bro? Awesome, man!

Yeah, just go to college, dude. Come on.

What, are you gonna major in roofies with a minor of "let's get the fuck outta here"?

I'm sorry you don't have a fallback plan, Remy.

Maybe you should go ask that fortune teller, madame Zonar, for some career advice.

Let's go see if the bearded lady will give you a Beej.

I'll go get the chloroform.

Curt, steal that clown's knife. -Yeah!

We should carve our names in the pier, and after high school, if we're still hanging out at this park, we'll all slit our wrist with that knife!

The fool again? Did I shuffle these?

Ahh.

You were expected.

You knew I was gonna come?

I am Zonar. I know all.

Wow. What am I thinking right now?

I sense you are haunted by the dark underlords of the sea.

Ha! Not even close.

I was thinking about sucking my own dick in front of my family on Easter.

That is not the first time I have been told that by a man.

Ah, where was I?

'Tis the sad fate of the cynic to miss the offerings of the spirits.

The power is within you, child, should you choose to look for a sign.

Look for a sign. Really? It's that simple?

What?

"The book of Beelzebub."

Is the devil crying?

Wow! What is it?

Oh, I was just wondering where you got this book.

A spirit bequeathed it as an offering from the dark lord.

A dark lord queefed it on you? What does that mean?

Can I borrow it? No, this isn't a library.

I know, it's a lez-brary filled with creepy old ladies.

Don't worry, look into the future. You'll see me returning this book.

Remy!

Remy!

Remy! Remy!

Whoa! Hey, buddy. What's up?

You don't look so good, man.

Guys, check it out! What's that?

That is the "book of Beelzebub," the key to saving the park.

Wait, what? Dude, I don't get it.

Look, people travel across the world to see the face of Jesus on a tortilla, right?

Well, the same people will come to the park in droves to see Jesus's enemy cry like a pussy.

Still ain't gonna save the park.

Come on, curt. Doesn't this park mean anything to you anymore?

Honestly, not really.

Curt, you lost your virginity right there on this ride.

Augie tried to lose his virginity there with the strongman.

That's why you should care about this place, man.

Whatever.

Hey, bro, can I get a mint?

No. Come on!

I'm always lending you stuff and you never pay me back.

Don't bust my balls! Just give me a mint.

All right, look, if you promise to hit me back, I'll give you one of my la petite mints.

Okay. I promise to give you one back.

So, you currently have mints in your possession?

Well, I have a pack of mints in my pocket right now.

I just happen to like Remy's flavor better.

All right, well, just swear on the "book of beelzebub".

Fine, I swear. Give me your hand.

Why? Blood oath!

Ow! Geez, who does that anymore?

"Uh, by the smitten brow of Beelzebub, this oath doth bind me.

May I keep its sacred words or Beelzebub will find me."

Yes! It's official!

Wow, fuck, finally.

Mmm.

Now that's a refreshing mint. That's what I'm talking about.

Yes, I'm aware of that. Now give me one of yours.

Ah, yes, of course.

Hm, wait a minute. That's weird.

Oh, man, I thought I had my mints, but I guess I don't.

Sorry, I guess I can't honor my oath.

Oh! Typical curt. Promise and don't deliver.

Typical Remy, always keeping score.

Uh, guys... You made an oath!

Who cares? You swore on devil shit!

Fuck devil shit! Whoa! Look out!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What's going on?

Everything's going in!

Hey! Curt!

Hey! Help me!

Hold on! What the hell's going on?!

What the fuck? -Is this one of your bullshit tricks, Remy?

If this is a prank, I'm gonna fucking kill you!

No! Piece of shit!

What just happened? I don't know!

Jesus Christ! I have no idea what I just saw.

What did you do?

What are you talking about? What did I do?

I didn't conjure up a vortex!

Curt just got sucked into another dimension, Remy!

Oh, really, Augie? I thought that portal went to Barnes and noble.

We got to go in after him. Curt wouldn't go in after me.

Yeah, he would. He's your friend.

I hate friends!

You were the one that made a blood oath.

All right, let's go.

This mysterious portal better be quick!

What is that?

Dippin' dots! -I wish we were at Barnes & Noble.

I'm not being a pussy. That was really scary, right?

I'm so scared, my shit just shit its pants.

Where are we? I don't know.

Why do you act like I've done this before?

What are those things? Look, it's curt!

I'm an American, Jack! Get your hands off me!

Don't waterboard me, dude! Where are we?

We're screwed. Who are those people?

Lake of fire! Sin!

Lake of fire! Sin!

Lake of fire! Sin!

Lake of fire!

Holy shit!

Dude, we got to hide.

May I take your order?

I will have a pepperoni pizza, please.

There ain't no pepperoni pizza.

Oh, I'm sorry, but it does say pizza hut and taco bell, so I thought maybe I could get some pizza as well.

It says pizza, and it says taco, but we only got taco.

You're being tortured. Oh, all right.

Order another pizza. -I think I see where this is headed.

Just order the damn pizza!

All right, we'll have a pizza with extra cheese, please.

There ain't no pizza.

You can have a Chalupa, burrito, Churro.

Now, it does say pizza hut/taco bell. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Welcome to hell!

Oh, my god! We're in hell!

Lake of fire!

"If you lend him a pen, he chews on it."

Lake of fire!

"Fat guy with the nickname "tiny"."

Lake of fire!

Lunch?

Damn, man, we got 20 minutes before break.

Ah, who's gonna know?

Sometimes I think your heart is not in this anymore.

Sorry, man, I'm just going through some fucking life changes right now, you know?

I'm gonna throw you in the fucking flame.

Is that a mortal? What the fuck are you doing?

Who, us? Uh...

Just floating around, trying to get hammed, dude.

Spring breakin' it.

Bullshit going on. Take 'em back to processing.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Take them to the office.

Where? Wait, let's talk about this!

Ouch! Hey!

Come on!

Ouch! Ouch!

Okay! Okay!

Please remove all religious paraphernalia.

If you're a priest or a nun, that's just really funny because you wasted your life.

Enjoy your stay in hell, and remember, you're here for a reason or you're Jewish.

Pick up after yourself. Your mother doesn't live here.

If she does, she was a whore.

What is this place?

Wait, what the fuck is that thing?

Remy? Remy!

What? There's nobody here.

I don't know, Augie. This place is incredible!

No, Remy. Don't touch anything.

This is stranger danger all around us.

Now, everyone, eat your own genitals!

Uh, we already ate 'em.

Well, throw up your genitals and eat them again!

Our budget is out of control!

And I've got a report here that says we're making lost souls walk over warm coals!

Ah, they're pretty hot.

I walked over them myself! It felt like a freaking foot massage!

We've all had to cut corners.

Even the gluttons are beginning to look anorexic.

Our dental plan has a steep deductible.

Our union hasn't had a sacrifice in three years.

The reason that shit's all fucked up is 'cause we're not paying our people right.

Yeah! Yeah, our team!

Hell, yeah, nigger!

Dude, I can't believe you used the n-word.

What? No, I could say it down here. All right, down here's okay.

All of you, get the fuck out of here!

He is being a real bitch today.

Gloria, hold my calls!

Hump day.

The lunchroom fridge will be cleaned out on Friday.

They should at least give us till Monday.

If you leave any food or drinks or containers in there...

My spring rolls? They will be thrown out.

That's my food! It's still good! What?

P.S. You also have a time-sensitive e-mail from the demon's union.

Oh, demon's union! What do they want?

They put in a request to have the new mortal tortured and sacrificed.

Curt's gonna be sacrificed?

We've got to find him. Oh, boy.

P.P.S. Barb's on her way down here from heaven.

What? She's flying down here right now?

I'll tell her you're unavailable. No, no, no!

Tell her I've cleared my schedule just for her.

Okay.

I'm gonna be off the grid for a few minutes.

Now, I'll just rub one out so I don't finish too quickly tonight.

Ah! "Shirtz 'n' skinz" with a z.

I love the way you shoot up my heart now we'll get naked as the day we were born she's straight from heaven I won't let go I won't let go, go, go hey, Remy, what are you doing?

I'm looking for clues to help us find curt.

Ooh, the devil's cell phone. That might come in handy.

The devil's actual devil's brew.

Oh oh.

Augie! Are you okay?

Yeah, motherfucker! That's the real shit!

Shh. -More, more, I need more. Please, please, give me more.

I'd drink a pint of ass blood for another sip of that brew!

I need it inside of me!

If heaven's right, then I want to be wrong in hell with that sweet, sweet ambrosia!

Love seat.

She's my angel huh?

What the hell are you two doing here?

Uh... uh... uh... -We're just trying to save our friend curt.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, just in and out.

Really? Who do you think you are, Orpheus?

Who's Orpheus?

You don't know your Greek mythology, do you?

Orpheus, the mortal who came down to hell to rescue his wife?

Anyone? Man, public education!

No wonder the Chinese are kickin' our ass.

Wait, so he finds mortals and rescues them from hell?

Because you know what we do to mortals in hell.

Barb is on her way down to your office.

I told her she can't go in unannounced.

Damn! Look, I'm gonna kill both of you, but I need some time alone with an angel first, so sit over here and enjoy your last few moments alive.

It's gonna be great. You're gonna love it.

Take your time! Yeah, no hurry.

See you in a few.

I've been loving you for so long I don't know if it's right or wrong -ooh!

Whoa, doll, look at this new style of yours.

You're quite the dandy.

That's a real statement.

Wow! You really look good.

Oh, you.

How do you do it? Low Carbs and porn.

Barb, you got nice ones.

Aww. See, I'm not wearing a bra either.

No, your wings.

Have you had work done on your wings?

No. They're gorgeous.

Oh, devil, stop it. Ooh.

I have a little problem.

I want to help so bad.

Somehow, I have to find and extract two mortals from unauthorized damnation within your jurisdiction.

Two mortals, huh?

If I find them for you, what's my reward?

If you find them, I'll do things with you that would make the Internet blush.

Oooh. Yeah.

This is my lucky day.

Look over there, Barb!

Mini golf?

Wait, hold on. Keep looking.

What? Work, machine!

You know what? Stop. Just stop.

Wait! Barb, where are you going?

I'm flying back to heaven.

Don't text me until you've found the two mortals.

Wait! Barb, I... I love you.

Good luck!

Gloria, I need you to put out an APB on those two mortals.

And make it clear that if they're not found, I will rip every demon's head off!

Do you have any idea where they're heading?

Mmm, I might have told them about Orpheus a little.

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Attention, demons, there are two mortals on the loose in hell.

So, if everyone could put down your Spears and look around your work area.

Repeat, two mortals.

Did we just get name-checked by hell's public address system?

One is a normal-looking guy, and the other one looks like he only eats dough.

That seemed a little mean. Anybody?

Whoa! Augie, Augie, check it out.

A gondola. Let's go!

We are deploying all demons to locate and capture the two mortals.

They are on their way to find Orpheus.

Orpheus!

Dude, we're gone-dola in 60 seconds.

Boo.

What? Gone in 60 seconds is a movie about you eating a wedding cake.

Do you know where we're going?

Let's find Orpheus.

I got an idea for another great punishment.

Imagine this. Hot girl. She asks you out.

She's like, "hey, let's go do Bikram yoga."

You go. You do yoga.

It's hot. It's sweaty. She looks fucking great.

She shows you every major flexibility that she has.

Sweaty in all the right places.

What do they call that one move? Dog down.

She can get her feet behind her ears.

She can put her legs behind her fucking neck... and walk home on her ass.

She's making her body into that alphabet right there on that yoga mat.

A, b, c, d.

And she's spelling out "fuck me". Of course she is!

While you're doing yoga, which sucks for you, but you're gonna do it 'cause you're gonna get to fuck this hot girl after.

Oh, I love that!

End of the night, "good night, I got to go home."

What?

So you do yoga day after day and no sex.

That would be the ultimate punishment for any man.

That's a great punishment.

I've always feared that I was meant to die a virgin.

Like, that's my main purpose.

Shut up, Augie!

Hey, does that look like those mortals?

They found us! Oh, I guess it is.

Throw them in the lake of fire!

The mortals have been spotted on the devil's gondola.

Come on. Over here!

Bring back the mortals alive!

Let's go! No.

Three, two, one. It's a living.

Run! Run!

Get back here!

You're not going anywhere!

Augie! I'm gonna fuck you two up!

Where you gonna go now? Hold on!

There he is! Get 'em!

Kill 'em!

No! My mints!

Hey, everybody, we got mints!

It's raining mints!

Now I got you!

Hold on!

You like getting stabbed?

I'll cut that little face of yours.

Maybe I'll make a bigger mouth. No, no, no, no.


Here, you want a soda pop?

Oh, I wouldn't say no.

It's flat! You got flat soda!

You got me.

Here, you want some Neapolitan ice cream?

Oh, thank you! All right, here it is.

Oh, now, someone seems to have eaten all of the chocolate and vanilla.

That's right. You just have strawberry.

Oh, well.

You should drink some of this milk. I'm not usually a milk drinker.

It's quik! Yeah.

It's strawberry quik! Not even chocolate quik.

No, it's that strawberry crap. Not fun.

Welcome to hell!

Let's see. Alumni association, no thanks.

Starving children, fuck you.

Devil, Sal and Dave called to say they lost the two mortals you were looking for.

I think Barb's gonna be disappointed.

Damn it! I'm surrounded by idiots. Put them through.

Hey, boss.

What are you doing?

I just did yoga. Turns out dudes only. Huge bummer.

Oh, good! Oh, good! You're finding your core.

This is good to hear.

Hey, once you find your core, go find the mortals!

Okay, plan of attack.

Let's see. If I... A-ha!

Gloria, I need you to announce the biggest sacrifice at the crossroads that hell has ever seen. Okay, devil.

Then I'll simply wait for the other mortals to come to me.

I really got to grow a mustache.

Now, let's see here. Push this.

Faster than I remembered.

This elevator can't be up to code!

Let's see, the last time it was inspected was...

Okay, voided my bowels.

You can do this, buddy. This is for the demons.

They love this shit. Let's do this!

All right, everybody. Prepare to meet our dark lord!

All hail the god of lies!

You're goddamn right!

The worst of the worst! Fucking a!

The hell pig of butt mountain!

Don't love that one.

The douchiest of all bags.

That was kind of mean, actually.

The dick of all assholes!

Okay, that's enough.

The guy who fucks your mother and tells you about it.

Always just one step too far!

Where's the fucking mortal?

Hot fuck action to the Max that's what I like hot fuck action to the Max got a big dick what do you have to say for yourself?

Oh. Where am I?

You poor dumb bastard.

You don't even know what's going on.

Fella, you're in hell!

Oh, boy. And who are you?

Can you believe this guy?

I'm the fucking devil!

No one had the decency to torture this guy before I got down here?

The boys were just hoping to see the master at work.

You are the man, the devil!

Enough ass kissing!

Now, which one of these dastardly contraptions shall I use?

Ah, perhaps this one.

Oh, no, no. That's our Foosball table, chief.

Moving on.

A-ha.

Get in here.

Okay.

There! Tell me of the pain you feel so we may laugh at you.

Uh... okay.

Actually, the bouncing up and down is kind of giving me a tickle in a funny spot.

It is not tickling!

Is this a Sybian?

No! I assure you this is a Sybian.

You get off it. Try this.

Let me on.

Let me get off. Let me on!

It's a Sybian.

Oh, wait a minute, guys, seriously.

Come on, what do you want? I'll give you anything.

Please don't do this, for god's sake!

Please! I'll stroke your shaft and play with your nuts!

I'll stick my fingers in your ass.

I will tickle your balls.

I'll suck everybody's cock here! Whose cock is first?

Don't do this! I'll suck... Oh, god!

Kill them all and let god sort 'em out.

Who's next?

Shut up, or I'll drill your brains and turn you into sex zombies.

Why are you mortals here?

I...

He found a crying devil book and made our friend take a blood oath, which I was up for, but now I look back on as a mistake.

And he broke the oath. That's why we're here.

Not because I... -why are you looking for Orpheus?

Because he... -because Orpheus is the only one who can save our friend!

Girl. Girl.

Hey, you tricked us! Yeah, that's false advertising.

I know, I'm bad.

But I could still kill you 'cause I'm half-demon.

Oh, okay. Take me to Orpheus!

Only if you take us to curt first.

Fuck, no.

Yeah, the way I see it, you can't find Orpheus without us, so we've got the upper hand, purple lady!

Take me to Orpheus!

Hey, that's my heart.

Ten, nine...

Heart belongs in body.

Oh, do you need your little heart? Seven...

Pretty sure you're gonna die!

Take my liver. It's already dead.

It needs its owner. Put it back in.

Five... Oh, it's slowing down.

Three, two...

That shouldn't be outside of my body.

Take your last breath.

Okay, okay, okay, don't kill my friend!

I saw a white light, and then my grandma-mommy was there, and she was like, "hey, Remington, would you like a cookie?"

Where's Orpheus?

Okay! Okay! I got his address in here.

Cracked screen.

He's in the ancient...

The ancient realm.

It looks like the corner of inferno and Martin Luther king Jr. drive.

That sounds like a good neighborhood.

Do you know where that is?

Durmessa. That lying bitch.

He's been down there this whole time.

Everything okay? Yeah.

You guys help me find Orpheus, and I'll get you to your friend curt.

Yes. Deal!

Okay, everyone, keep it down.

Let's get this thing started.

Oh, is that the mortal you're feeding to Beelzebub?

Don't worry about it, okay? I got it handled.

Gang, curt. Curt, gang.

Hey, nobody told me it was bring your mortal to work day.

Oh, is that what you think we're here for, so you can all make jokes?

I just got word we're gonna start judging pets so dogs can go to heaven.

You know what that means?

Yes! We're getting all the asshole dogs!

Yeah, we get like inbred motherfuckers.

That's a lot of dogs. Now, I'm not running a kennel here.

Hey, you! Does everyone have dogs?

Well, not everyone. I have a cat.

You know what the hardest part about having cats is?

Telling your parents you're gay. No.

Hey! Cut the homophobic shit, you got it?

Did you know that Azazel over here is gay?

Sorry to out you, AZ.

Anyway, now I got to figure out who's gonna clean up all that dog shit! -No!

Hey, bro, just let the fucking mortal do it.

Or feed it to the gluttons.

Yeah, dawg! Yeah! That's the way to do it.

Will all of you get the fuck out of here?!

What, what? Somebody's crazy evil today.

Curt, come sit over here, buddy.

Whoa! Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Hold on, it's gonna get bumpy!

Deema, I think we're lost!

The GPS says we're supposed to pass a bail bonds and a wig store.

These idiots that work for me make a pile of shit, and then they say, "turn it into roses."

Whoa! Whoa, what happened? Oh, that's better.

Bro, you just fucking shrunk.

Well, that version of me is sort of my business suit.

Keeps the demons in line. Really?

Devil, the computer network is down again.

I don't need this right now.

And it can't get here till tomorrow.

Do you know that everything we use here is Dell?

Can you believe that? Uh...

I would much prefer a Mac. It's friendlier for creative types.

You know, I consider myself an artist.

Oh, an artist like Picasso or Banksy? Can I see some work?

Well, I do have this one thing that I've been working on.

Oh, you got to let me see it. It's a black-light painting.

And you see here, this is a little devil on a dune buggy, right?

And he's flipping off...

What? What is that? I can't read your reaction.

No, it's really good.

Interesting thing about this...

Looks like a fucking cartoon.

Nope. That's a realist painting.

That's fucking hilarious. God! Do you have any more funny pictures?

No. You don't get to see any more of my art.

There's your first punishment in hell.

That's... You did it to yourself.

We're almost there.

I got to go to the bathroom. -Use a cup.

This is the way to Orpheus.

What is this place? A microbrewery?

Stay behind me and keep quiet.

What the fuck is that thing?

Durmessa.

You want to party?

She's been in a two-thousand-year bender.

I want you to come on over here and look under my flap.

Please, stop. Is that right, mom?

Mom? How could you do it?

All these years, I've been searching, and he's been down here this whole time!

He's a fuckface and a deadbeat.

What? Orpheus is a poet, a noble warrior.

You're in love with a drink!

You wouldn't dare!

Open the portal.

You stupid little bitch!

Devil's brew!

I'll lick your can for 30 more drops of it!

Stop it! I'll fucking kill you!

You should have told me!

I'm a swan!

My bottom says meow.

You fat Pillbilly! Ow!

You're letting us through!

Stop it!

I made smelly.

God, Deema!

Parkour!

My hands and feet are cops!

My hands and feet are cops! No, no, no!

Oh, mama! Oh, god!

Why are we going down here again?

Curt. Right. Your friend curt.

Our friend curt. Yeah.

He's not what you think.

He's only gonna disappoint you, Deema.

I'm used to disappointment.

It feels like my brain is vibrating in a good way.

Best thing about whip-its, you'll feel totally fine in 15 seconds.

We used to do these at the carnival all the time.

So, devil, what's your story, man? How'd you get down here?

I used to live upstairs, you know.

Was actually besties with the big man.

You mean god? Yes, sir.

I was in charge of his armies, too.

But they went off to battle, and I was off with this sweet set of wings.

Man, there was this angel that was epic in bed.

She had a pussy inside her pussy. What? Is that real?

Turns out god was dating her, too, so, I guess I'm the asshole.

So, wait, wait, wait, you're the devil and have been condemned to hell for eternity for fucking god's girlfriend? Yup.

Whoa, it sounds like you got some kind of angel fetish, man.

They're gonna be the death of me.

Check this shit out. Oh, yeah!

Wow, what's her name? Barb.

I fucking love her, man.

But she barely knows I exist. Oh, I doubt that.

Oh, man, those wings are so white and soft.

Barb, why aren't we married?

Whoa!

Migraines in hell are really bad.

I blacked out.

Yeah.

Don't let me drink devil's brew again. Oh, my god.

Hey, I didn't have sex with that blue lady, did I?

Not in the biblical sense.

Whoa. Whoa.

This must be the way to Orpheus.

What, we're gonna swim there?

Nope, we're gonna take that submersible.

Cool.

Augie, take this rope and attach it to that hook.

Remy, you go inside and man the controls.

Come on, hop to it.

Jeez, who's side are you on?

What, you don't like teamwork? I'm just trying to be positive and build a foundation of trust within the framework. Wow!

Oh, yeah.

Me Strokey. Me have a Strokey.

Losing motor skills. Tasting pennies.

I'm releasing the first cable now, Augie!

Damn it, Augie, get inside!

I'll have to adjust the ballast manually.

Hey, what happened? I'm so fake interested.

Whoa.

Whoa. Purple paradise.

Come on. You guys, if we're gonna get through this, you're gonna have to listen to me.

I do what I want when I want. Really?

Get this off me!

You're gonna wear this until you learn to listen.

Well, dip me in salt and lick my asshole.

What?

It's a saying I'm trying to get started.

Hey, what's this? Yeah, that's my idea book.

I jot down new punishments I think of as I go about my day.

Well, the devil has a little genius pad.

Let's hear what you got.

It's a catapult, right, with poop inside.

See, now these here, they're stink lines.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, devil.

That dude getting sacrificed looks a lot like me.

Yeah, my cartoonist is good, huh?

What, you mean that's supposed to be me?

Yeah. You're the one being sacrificed. I thought I told you that.

What?

Augie, get your head in the game, man! What's the matter with you?

I don't know, Remy. I think I'm in love.

Oh, no, no, no. We're coming in too fast.

You wouldn't even know what to do with her!

Okay, little tubby kid from "goonies"?

30 degrees to starboard!

I got it, Deema. I'll do it!

See? We have a connection, Remy.

Why is the sub listing? Oh, no.

This is really bad, Augie. She said, "augie"!

You're in the friend zone, and you don't even know it.

How would you know the friend zone?

I've only read about the friend zone in bummer magazine.

See, I love nobody, and that's what makes me a leader.

What the fuck is that?

This is an rpg nightmare.

Where there's no leveling up. Oh, my god.

Deema, are you okay?

We've crossed over to the ancient realm.

Get behind me!

You travel the path of Orpheus!

Yes, we do!

Then, know the fate of Orpheus!

Get it? This is the fate of Orpheus. I'm still alive.

This mech is pretty tits, right? Huh?

Wait, you're Orpheus?

I've spent my whole life dreaming of the day I could finally meet you.

Well, that's very flattering, but I try to be upfront with all my groupies.

I'm not the marrying type.

No, we've come to rescue you.

You can rescue my sperm from my testes.

You guys want to see my digs?

Fuck and yes together equals "fuck, yes"!

Then, fucking yes it is. Let's do this.

Orpheus! Nice to meet you. I'm Augie.

I put skittles in my cereal.

Who is this mushy man?

We were told you're an expert at getting mortals out of hell.

Who told you that?

Is that true?

You're really gonna kill me? Yeah.

I thought we had a good thing going on here.

We were just bro-ing out. We were.

But it says here that you made a blood oath, and you broke it.

Seriously, a blood oath? Yeah, it was dumb.

Nobody does blood oaths anymore. Not since that guy fucked a monkey.

Well, I... -You promised somebody a breath mint and you reneged. Really?

That is lame.

But also punishable by death and an eternity in hell.

Damn! Seriously, there's nothing you can do?

If you'd given him a mint back, you wouldn't even be here.

With my ideas for hell, I'm worth a lot more to you alive than dead.

Well, you got a point. Hm, options, possibilities.

You know, I could give another mortal to the demons union, spare your life.

That's great! What can I do to repay you?

Why don't you help me to make this sacrifice a huge event?

A spectacle so big that it might even impress a certain angel.

Deal. Deal.

That's it? Thank you, devil.

Actually, I'm going to need you to sign and initial this and this.

It's a non-disclosure agreement.

Oh, and anyone working here under my employ needs to pass a urine test.

We just did drugs together like an hour ago.

I know. I just kind of wanted your piss. -Oh.

Down here!

No way, that's so rad!

Hey, is that a pogo stick?

It sure is, Bromeo. 150 jumps yesterday.

Give it up, no breaks.

What, what? Yeah, yeah!

Wait, I thought you said pogo sticks are for pussies.

You said what about a pogo stick? Um...

You said the pogo stick was a dick, and only a pussy would need to jump up and down on it over and over.

No, I didn't say pogo sticks, I said hobo dicks.

Why is this woman lying?

He's a fat little lesbian that lies.

I like pogo sticks.

I would never disrespect a pogo stick.

This is what you've been doing for the last 2,000 years?

You've been down here playing with toys.

Check that as a yes. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

No, thank you, Charon. We're fine.

That guy thinks his boats are the shit.

The wood is rotting.

It's a boat only fit for illegal immigrants.

I wish he'd just row back to Cuba!

Remy rems, check out my skills, yo.

Hell, yeah, man!

Wow! Pretty cool, huh? That's me.

She looks pretty hot. Look how hot I am.

That's incredible, man. You painted that?

I painted it and posed for it at the same time.

How do you even physically do that? You're amazing.

Remy, I am just like you.

I put my underwear on one ball at a time.

When did you learn to paint?

The moment I was born, I came out of the womb, and I quickly turned around, and I painted my mother's vagina.

You guys like the lyre?

Is that like a guitar? I don't know.

Does a guitar increase the gravity of a pair of women's panties?

Mm-hm.

I could make a tree bone me with this thing.

And the trees will bone you here, so be careful.

Yeah, that sounds good. A tree will fuck me?

When I was a small boy, I was walking through a forest, and a tree tried to overpower me.

Ah, really? What did you do?

He pushed me on the ground and wrapped his leaves around my face and arms, and then, the next thing I knew, a branch was penetrating my ass.

Oh, god!

It was a pointy, pointy branch.

I mean, did he wear, like, a leaf condom or anything?

No, just bark.

When he was done, he shed his acorns upon my back.

Oh, that's the worst thing I've ever heard.

Um, Orpheus, what were you wearing when the tree violated you?

You think I asked for it?

Were you maybe dressed like a bush?

I was dressed like a human being!

All right, I'm sorry.

I'm gonna go and start a shelter for tree rape victims.

It's not a joke!

Mr. Orpheus, why have you stayed here if you could leave at any time?

Especially with trees like my uncle Carl.

Well, me and my road Dawgs used to come down here all the time rescuing virgins, and they'd say, "oh, wassup now, gangsta?

Let me thank you with my lady parts."

"Well, if I must."

"Oh, by the way, this baby's yours."

And then I'm just like, "I'm outta here, Missy!"

Responsibilities, that shit is zombiewalk, man.

I'm like black people. I'll take freedom.

Preacher, meet the choir.

Wow, Orpheus. Don't you ever get lonely down here?

You must have once wished you had a family, right?

Guess what? No.

Fun times we're all having together.

You know what else would be fun? Finding curt.

It's the reason we came down here.

Fine. Whatevs.

I can get you wherever you wanna go.

But first, you must pass the trials of the mortals!

Well, I hope you all are ready for a physical challenge.

Who wants to see how good I am?

Um... Yes, okay.

Moving, moving, breathing very hard.

Super strong. Super speed.

Watch me fucking leap so high!

Stuck it! I can leap and fart at the same... oh!

Fuck me!

Oh, it hurts so bad. I'm weak.

You know what, you guys are good.

Everyone passed, a-pluses, thank you.

Warriors, I've tested your mind and body.

Now, the hardest test of all.

You must resist that which tears all mortal men apart.

Women.

In a minute, a super hot, sexy bitch is going to come through that door and try to seduce you into telling her the secret word.

She will stop at absolutely nothing to get it out of you.

You will want to fuck her silly. Trust me.

No matter what she does, no matter how long she fucks you, do not give her the secret word.

I repeat, do not give it to her.

The secret word is "Jasmine".

Whoo hoo! Boys, who wants to take their ball sacks and put them in my mouth?

Jasmine! Jasmine! Jasmine! Jasmine!

You all failed to resist her charms.

I was watching from a remote monitor in the other room.

But you can all move on.

Back to my Tiki bar!

Yes! All right!

The one that I built out of that tree that sodomized me.

Didn't we pass? I don't understand.

I can't believe I've spent my entire life looking for this loser.

I just need to find out one thing for sure, and then I can put this behind me.

Wait. What?

Garçon, these men need some victory juice to pour down our head holes.

Let's make a toast.

To rescuing curt!

No. To all the road dogs who had the courage to leave their pregnant wives.

Yeah, fuck them ho's.

Orpheus, I bet you like all flavor bitches.

The fuck I do. Chinese, Asian, Korean, pan-Asian, pan-Korean.

Goo goo Gai pan.

That's a Cantonese dinner dish. Yeah.

You'd fuck a Cantonese dinner dish?

Um... yes. Well, then. Cool.

But no fat bitches. No!

Deema.

You're the coolest chick ever. You're just like me.

If you didn't have a pussy, I'd think you were my son.

And if you didn't have a pussy, I'd think you were my dad.

Oh, busted!

Come on, Orpheus. Get on the real, real. You never fucked a demon?

Well, okay, there was just this one. What was it like?

So, we're in the bone zone, I'm really finding my rhythm, and suddenly, she drops the, "oh, let's move into my cottage made of tentacles."

And I was like, "peace out, man."

I heard she really plumped up. Twinkies just jumped into her mouth.

What was her name? Mm, I barely remember.

I believe it was, hm... Durmessa.

Oh, shit, my face!

You deadbeat dad.

All this time I thought you were being held captive against your will.

I convinced myself that is why you never came home.

Wait, wait, Deema, let's talk.

You're still gonna take us to curt, right?

I don't know where he is!

Orpheus was supposed to have all the answers.

You lied? Of course I lied.

That's what demons do!

What a purple bitch!

How dare you say that to her!

Someday she will be my purple wife!

I told you she was a liar. Oh, yeah, that's right.

Because you're smarter than everybody.

I'm Remy. Look at my weird haircut.

I wear a corduroy peacoat and listen to dubstep music.

Well, I'm tired of it.

Women usually do that to me after I make love to them.

Augie!

Fuck him, Remy.

Let's watch my sweet-ass flat screen.

I have the entire big momma's house trilogy.

Deema!

[]You're pathetic, you know that?

Yeah. Where are you even going?

Nowhere. I was just looking for you.

I still think we can make a great "teama".

I don't know why you still believe in me.

I come from a lying demon and a selfish mortal.

Doesn't change who you are.

My dad's like a big jerk, and my mom lied to him about being a woman.

Okay, I don't know what to do with that, Augie, but thanks for giving me another chance.

Get in.

Whoa. Ahh.

Twitter alert from the demon union. What does it say?

It's a reminder to tune in and watch the mortal sacrifice tonight at the crossroads.

That's where they're gonna sacrifice curt!

Do you know how to get there? -Yeah. It's really close to here.

Big momma, you fooled them again.

Would you fuck big momma?

Yes. Would you?

Bro-dawg, I've fucked every woman I've ever met.

Except for that smoking angel, Barb.

She's the one that got away. What happened?

She just wanted to be stupid friends.

I don't need friends anymore. You know what I mean? I need bros.

Yeah. You know what I'm saying, man.

Wake up, see my bros in the bunk bed above me.

Play video games, then we order some ZA.

We eat it with all of our bros together, high-fiving after each bite.

Then we all take a shit together.

You have a bathroom with five toilets.

Everyone making eye contact while reading Maxim.

And the next day, we do the same thing.

It's the way of the bro, like you said.

Well, your way of the bro is a little different than mine. But I hear you.

Coming up tonight from quick-jet printer replacement cartridge stadium, Shirtz 'n' Skinz perform their latest single.

Later, mortal curt Meyers will be sacrificed live.

Shit! Curt!

Wassup?

We got to go. Go where, brah?

Orpheus, we got to save curt. Huh?

Come on. That's what you do, you rescue mortals from hell!

I ain't that guy anymore. That's a young man's game.

What do you say? One last mission?

Sorry. -Well, then, I got to go on my own.

Why? He's not your friend, man. I'm your friend. You just said it.

You wanted to bro out and stare at each other on toilets.

I'm sorry, brother.

I guess I'm gonna go set five mirrors up in my bathroom and stare at myself as I make the forbidden mud.

To the crossroads!

Pretend you're rowing to Florida!

Of course his boat has a hole in it. What a loser.

Augie!

Hey, Augie!

Hey, Deema, what's going on?

Augie, curt's gonna be sacrificed! We have to save him!

We're handling it. Thank you for your interest.

Um... why don't you guys get in my boat?

Look, man, I know I was a dick. Just get in.

Fine. You want me to say it? I suppose you earned it.

I...

I love you, man.

I never realized how great my friends are until I had that stupid thought that I didn't.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, middle part, you know, I haven't made it easy on you, took you for granted, big close.

I'll never make this mistake again.

Mm-mm.

I really need you, dude. I can't do this on my own.

You need me?

Yup.

To the crossroads!

You're on in one minute!

Damn! I hate public speaking. Anyone got a Xanax?

Hey, hell is ours. We own this place. Am I right?

Right. Right. I'm the devil.

Get out there on that stage and start struttin' that shit.

Yeah! Hail, Satan!

I give you the devil!

Oh, and, curt, we couldn't find any other mortal, so we have to sacrifice you. Sorry.

Whoa, that's bullshit! Hold on! Wait, wait, wait!

Hurts me more than it...

Okay, thanks, bye.

I'm fucked!

Usa! Usa!

Usa! Usa! Usa!

Devil! Devil!

Switch it up! Oh, come on.

Devil! Us...

We are about to meet our sacrifice!

He's not just your average oathbreaker!

He's a friendship forsaker!

Ow! Ow! You can't do this to me.

Why not?

Because we made a deal, remember?

Let me read it.

Uh-huh. Boilerplate. Latin. Legalese.

Read it out loud!

"I will not sacrifice curt if he helps me put on a real special show to impress Barb the angel."

A-ha!

Bullshit! What the hell?

You're right. It's all right here.

Oh! That is beautiful!

Curt? Yeah?

When is a contract not a contract?

When it's eaten!

Devil, you are a piece of shit.

I guess your contract is now null and void.

Oh! Oh!

You all right there, devil? Sound a little gassy.

Almost feels like I ate a bad burrito or something.

Not good.

Look at him. -Demons, continue with the sacrifice.

Stomach, let me introduce you to toilet.

You two should get along great.

Hey! Ow!

Get off me, man! Ow! Guys! Come on! Aw, shit!

Those demons want blood.

I know how this song ends.

No! They're gonna kill him. How do we get past those guards?

Hey! I got this one.

There's nothing hornier than a demon in hell.


Curt!

Hey! Help me! Curt!

Wait, what? Guys! How the fuck did you get down here?

We came down to save you!

Yo, what up?

There's my sweet baby boy! Hey!

Oh, mama missed you!

Easy, Augie. Who's she?

The devil's coming back!

The devil's gonna sacrifice me! You got to get me out of here!

All right. Let's go.

Nobody mention anything about his diarrhea!

What the fuck are you doing? Uh...

Lake of fire! Lake of fire!

Help! -Remy, no, no, no! Hold on, Remy!

Yeah! I'm back!

Keep the fan on in there.

Well, well, what do we have here?

Um, can we get that bridge back?

If you answer yes to any of these questions, you may have an enlarged prostate.

Do you have difficulty urinating? Yes.

Weak stream? Yes.

Dribbling? Yes.

Painful urination? Yes.

Pussy, yellow discharge? Yes.

If you answered yes to all of these questions, go immediately to the hospital. No.

Okay. In addition to one mortal, we are also going to sacrifice the daughter of Orpheus. Zing!

My daughter! -Chew on that, Orphy! Mm-hm. Tough beans.

Oh, shit. I've got to save her!

Oh, fuck me. And I'm off.

Where the hell is my phone? Extra order of dipping sauce.

Give me that! And I would like a...

Oh, god! Oh, but I gave them my credit card!

I told you to stop calling me.

I know, I know, but I thought you'd like to know that I found the two mortals you were looking for.

No way. You're just saying this to get me to come down there.

Oh, no, I promise it's true.

How do I know? Prove it!

You know what? I'll take a picture with my phone and send it to you.

And there, and sending.

What?

It's a dick pic. Sorry, wrong picture.

Sending.

Oh, my, devil. It is the mortals.

I said I would find them for you, and I did.

I'll be right there. -Get ready for some sweet devil loving!

Hello?

Shirtz 'n' Skinz, you're next.

Last rehearsal!

She's my angel angel - angel she is my angel she's my angel angel - angel yeah!

I'm a big fan.

That's great, man. Super cool. Yes.

Want me to sign something for you?

Will you autograph my fist with your face?

Aw, sure, man. Hy-ah!

God. Oh, shit, god, fuck me.

I came by to inform you that the concert has been rescheduled.

The good news is you're all still getting paid and laid.

Cool. Yes.

Oh, fellas, please leave your costumes.

And there is an assortment of groupies waiting outside to suck your dicks.

Fuck, yeah, dog! Word.

Okay, demons and damned, before we sacrifice any mortals, I'd like to introduce to you my favorite boy band, Shirtz 'n' Skinz!

With a "z"!

That's the way to do it!

What? That's just Shirtz. Where the fuck is Skinz?

Look, I'm sorry. The rest of the band is stuck in traffic.

So I'm gonna rock three times as hard!

As a young boy I found solace in the forest wild and free

'til that fateful day youth was ripped away

'neath the boughs of an old oak tree he wrapped his leaves around my fragile frame and thrust me to the grass how my face did Blanche as his mighty branch did penetrate my ass now when a tree comes in the forest tell me do you think it makes a sound?

No, you'll only hear the wail of a broken tot lying butt up on the ground my life and ass both splintered and my sphincter torn and loose so I mourn for my lost innocence and for all that's pure and good and I mourn the day I learned the painful meaning of mourning wood morning wood morning wood

ha ha!

What is this shit?

Surprise, surprise! It is I!

Orpheus? -You thought I was someone else, but I'm not someone else.

I'm Orpheus, the guy that you didn't think I was but I am now.

Yeah, I get it, that's called a disguise.

You put it on, I thought you were someone else.

No more explaining.

I can't believe you made it!

Yeah, you said you were retiring from saving mortals.

I did. But I never said anything about retiring from saving half-mortals.

Really? You came back here for me?

Yes. Look, I know I wasn't the best father, and I wasn't around for you, and I really regret that.

Aw, dad, that's so sweet of you to say.

Yes. Mmm. Sweet lips.

Oh, oh, this isn't that.

Oh, I may have slightly misread that situation.

Yeah.

We haven't actually done a DNA test, so there's still a possibility that this isn't totally disgusting.

No.

No matter. I love you, daughter.

Okay, let's get out of hell.

Everybody on! What? Oh!

Give me that!

Ha ha! I win!

It's time for, Bam, the sacrifice!

Crucify 'em!

Ahh.

Barb, the one that got away.

Oh, yeah! Slutty angel.

She's on the wrong side of 40.

Mama.

Wish I was that pole.

Look, here's your mortals.

Orpheus, that song about getting raped by trees, it was so beautiful and personal.

You're such a sensitive artist.

Barb, I'm a sensitive artist, too.

What the hell?

Look at the painting I did of you.

It's a black-light painting.

Of me on a dune buggy.

Aw, geez, Louise!

Sacrifice! Sacrifice!

Sacrifice! Sacrifice!

Orpheus isn't going down easy!

Here she is.

We need more ammunition.

You're not gonna to kill him, are you?

Start folding t-shirts. You're scaring...

Uh-huh.

Darling, I've traveled many, many miles to find you.

You have? Yes.

I've tried to fight off my feelings, but the head can't tell the heart where to go.

What do you say? You, me, and my penis get hitched and fly off into the sunset!

Aww. The only thing that matters is, Barb, do you want to spend the rest of our life together?

They all said that our love stood not a chance that our hearts could never keep it in their pants but when my penis saw your sweet vagina standing across the room what is this, Jersey boys?

My scrotum did a backflip and my lonely balls did swoon I hate musicals. Mama Mia! Wasn't bad.

Now it's clear that this love was meant to be my vagina my penis you and me - stop singing!

Oh, shit! Oh, no!

The demons want blood! We got to get out of here now!

Hurry up! Grab a fistful of white!

Hold on!

Load me up!

Wait for me! Augie!

Barb, you got to go back. Grab on, tubby!

You don't have to call me that! Reach with your sausage fingers!

Come on, honey! -Pretend we're made out of cookie dough!

I got it! Go!

Die, Orpheus.

Look out!

Oh, shit! Barb!

Fucking t-shirts!

No!

We're gaining speed! We got to wake her up!

Oh, she's out cold! Barb, wake up!

Do something, Remy!

Slap her harder. Try the back of your hand.

Oh, no!

Oh, fuck me.

What's that sound?

It's a sex offender alert.

Cool app. Shh, quiet!

Run!

Go, go, go, go, go, go!

Holy shit! These trees are alive, man!

Careful down here.

There are trees who think "no" means "yes".

Just don't stop running! Wait, where's Barb?

Help!

Help!

I have to go back for Barb! Dad, no!

We'll catch up to you!

There! Head for the cave!

I'm coming, Barb! Hold on!

Were you trying to hit her, boss?

I mean, you shot her right between the eyes.

She's probably fine. She's an angel.

It was a good shot if you meant to hit her.

Knock it off! Focus!

What's that smell?

True heroes. To have laid such a costly sacrifice upon the altar of freedom.

Yeah.

But that's what you get for chasing pussy.

Ow! Stitching up your wing this is the stitching up your wing song Barb! Look out! Don't you touch her!

What? No! I'm helping her!

Oh, really?

Orpheus? Tree?

You look familiar.

Orpheus? Orpheus?

Yeah, it's me, you diddler.

I always hoped I'd run into you someday.

I bet you did.

No, no, it's not like that.

I wanted to apologize for what I did to you.

"I'm sorry" is just not going to cut it.

Did you ever get my gift basket? No.

You're kidding? I tracked the package.

Mm-hm. I understand your anger, but I've done a lot of work in therapy to get better.

Is there anything I can do to make it right?

When I find Orpheus, I'm gonna mount his balls on a stick.

There is one thing.

Hey, tree! Have you seen an angel?

I did, yes. Well, where is she?

Um...

She went that way.

Oh, okay. Well, good to see you.

Keep growing.

Yeah, keep growing, tree!

What do you want me to do to him?

Shed your acorns across his back.

My psychologist is going to kill me, but I'll do it.

Let us escape to a secret place where I can motorboat those wings.

You're so dirty.

Hey, does anybody want to stop for some red bull and crystal meth smoothies?

Oh, shit! Hold on!

Like you didn't do last time!

Quit squirming!

Grab on! Pull! No!

Look, boss! Over there! Huh?

There's movement! Let's go!

What are you going to do to me?

What do they want from me?

No! No! No, no, no!

I've got a pig in a blanket.

Uh, that tree is putting on lipstick.

Curt! Deema! Remy!

Are you fucking serious?

I hope that's for marshmallows.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Hold on!

Yes!

Bull's-eye!

What the fuck?

This is my house. You gonna screw with me?

You had a mint the whole time? What?

A mint! I didn't know it was there!

It must have been stuck in the lining of my shirt, I swear!

Who gives a shit about a stupid mint?

A mint? Huh?

Don't let him eat that mint!

Oh, shit! That's it, Remy! Eat that mint!

It's too late. I don't want your mint now.

No, no! It's not about that! It'll reverse the curse.

It'll get us out! Quick, man, hurry up!

Get me that mint! Come on!

Put the whole thing in your mouth. Can't reach!

Eat it! Get your lips around that mint!

I've tried my whole life!

Gulp it down! -Take all of it down your throat!

Make this sound when you do it... It helps!

Tickle your balls!

Demon, quick!

Remy, eat it! Eat it! Hurry up!

Remy! Yeah, you did it, man!

Yeah! I can touch my dick with my tongue!

Hey, Remy, look! Huh?

Holy shit. What?

Uh, that portal's kind of scaring me, boss!

Yeah, I'm thinking I just go back up top and then call it a day.

No! No!

Whoa! Whoa!

Augie! Hold on!

Grab him! Don't let go!

No, no!

Remy!

Wait, tell me where Barb is! Whoa!

No, no, no, no, no! Later, devil!

Wait, wait! No, no!

Hello, devil. Huh?

Care for some wine?

No, thanks. I'm okay.

It's an earthy Bordeaux, and it pairs wonderfully with I'm going to rape you.

Look, over there!

It appears the better man has won!

Don't worry, you'll still get a chance to be with her.

I will?

I'm going to go to walgreens and buy a shitty devil mask and fuck her silly while I wear it.

Oh, don't! Oh, come on!

Sorry, devil! I'm a pretty package with an ugly gift inside.

Hail Satan.

Hail Satan.

Hail Satan.

Holy shit! We're back! I love this place!

Oh, my god! We did it!

God, I miss the smell of cotton candy!

Augie, you have a syringe stuck to your face.

This place hasn't changed a bit.

Definitely an opiate. Wha...?!

Where have you guys been? Cleb!

Man, I'm happy to see you!

What's going on here? Whose treasure is this?

This book is amazing. The devil is the new Jesus.

Who knew? Devil tears sell better than dippin' dots.

Remy, your idea worked!

Yes! Oh, my god, yes!

We did it! What are we gonna do with all this money?


Let me just push this button to get this escalator started up again.

Thank you.

Oh, yeah, that's right, there's no button!

Hey, start walking. So just walk up to the top?

Yeah! There's no motor gonna help you out here.

You're just going to walk up that escalator.

Is it something like it's a million miles long, the escalator, or?

A million miles long? That's pretty good.

That would be unpleasant. -Yeah, that'd be real unpleasant.

I only made it one story tall.

Um.... But you're gonna walk it.

Yeah! You're walking that whole story.

Understood. All 27 steps.

All right, here I go. How do you like that, huh?

Not the best, not the best.

I would have preferred if the escalator had been functioning.

Welcome to hell!

Hello again. Sit down.

All right. Well, just here in the booster seat?

Yeah, like a baby.

You're being punished in your booster seat.

It's uncomfortable, I guess, a little bit.

Just sit there like you're a crying baby.

Did you need me to cry?

Oh, there's the end-of-the-year evaluations and...

Gotcha, okay.

Oh, booster seat!

Why? I'm a man!

That's good. Throw in a juice box.

Say something about a juice... Oh, I wish I had a juice box!

You're not getting a juice box! No. Oh, please, just the one.

Welcome to hell.