Hello, My Name Is Doris (2015) Script

Sometimes, God taketh away what God hath given.

A mother who bears us with her loins... bears us always... and lives forever in our hearts.

Let's go talk to her now.

Just sit next to her.


Hey, sis. How you holding up?

I'm holding up.

Supposed to hold up, so I'm holding up.

Hey, you know, we're all pretty devastated, so...

Anyway, Cynthia and I were thinking, now that Ma's gone... maybe you could get your own place in the city...

...close to your job and everything. You wouldn't have to ride the ferry.

You've really earned this.

You've been living in Mom's house, taking care of her all these years.

Which was so noble of you.

I don't know how you did it. I really don't. So noble.

And I was thinking that, you know, once we cleaned out all of Mama's junk... that we should think about maybe selling the house too.

Todd, all my stuff is there. Yeah.

All right.

Look, I just...



Her name is Sylvia Edwards and she could really help.

Help with what? The hoarding, Doris.

You and Mom, you held on to a lot of stuff.

Please, sis, just meet with her.

I'm sorry. Sorry. Could someone hit eight, please?


It's tight quarters.

It's pretty awkward, huh? Yeah.

Here. These are a little...

Sorry, they were on your ear. Is that better?

Boy, yeah. Yeah.

I like your glasses.

They're cat eyeglasses?


They're cool.

Okay. Thanks.

Hey, Doris?


Anne's replacing all our chairs with these posture balls.

She's got a whole truckload. So I'm gonna need your chair, Doris.

I like my chair. It has a back.

You know I don't make the rules, right? I'm just the muscle.

Can I have everyone gather around please? Over here.

Over here.

Over here.

I would like to introduce everyone to John Fremont.

John is the new art director.

He joins us after a successful stint in the L.A. office.

We're very happy to have him.

So let's give him a big New York welcome.

Speech. Speech.


Okay, I'll give it a shot.

So I know it's a far cry from the sandy beaches of Malibu... but it's really great to be here in the city that never sleeps.

So that's it.

That's all, folks.

You're so funny, John.

Okay, everyone back to work.


Actually, wait.

There's one last thing that I need to say.

I met a woman in the elevator this morning.

And we hardly exchanged more than a few words... but she made a big impression on me.

She's standing right there.

Look, lady, I don't even know your name... but you set off a fire inside of me I have not been able to put out... since the moment I laid eyes on you.

Can we explore this?




Hey, sorry to interrupt whatever that was.

Just me and the cats now.

I hope I don't end up like one of those weird old New Yorkers... that chokes on a peanut and dies and no one even misses me... until the smell of my decomposing body seeps through the walls.

Oh, honey, I would miss you. I would... Get in the slow lane, ladies.

You go eat some kale.

Fascist. She gave us the finger, Roz.

Give her the finger. Fascist!

Roz, no, no, no. Hey, hey, hey.

Yeah, you'd better run.

Run away.

Run away, girl.

Will you get your friend?

Oh, Roz. For goodness sakes, just give her the finger next time.

Look, see, she ran away.

Of course. You scared the heck out of her.

And then after that, John says, "That's all, folks."

You know, like Bugs Bunny.

And Anne goes... you know.

I don't even think she got the reference.

That one is such a phony baloney. Yeah. I know.

Come on because I don't wanna be late for this lecture.

So who is this guy again?

One of those motivational speakers.

Val says he's like that doctor on TV.

I don't know. Only better looking.

Come on.

I'm coming. It'll do you good to be around people.

They do a snack table here. How many things do you get?

You remember that guy that did the... Looks like four bites of cheese.

I'm sorry, ma'am.

We are not allowed to serve the cheese and crackers until after the lecture.

Bureaucrat. Roz.

Doris. Hurry up. There's Val.

I've got primo seats for us. Hurry up.

There's always one in every crowd.

Doris. Yes.

I'm so sorry about your mother. Yes.

Did you get the Edible Arrangement?

Yes, I did, thank you. Thank you so much.

Willy Williams.



Hey, hey.

Have you lost your way?

Is there something missing?

An emptiness.

But, folks, don't look back at your life and ask, "Why me?"

Look ahead and ask, "Why not me?"

Ask yourself, "Why not me?" Right now.

Why not me?

We've all got fears. I'm afraid of a lot of things.

Am I safe? Am I providing for my family?

Am I doing everything I can to make this world a better place?

But when it comes to our goals and our dreams... fear is just another four letter word that begins with F.

And folks, don't let your fear of what could happen make nothing happen.

Don't make that mistake.

Life is short, folks. Let me tell you, it is over in the blink of an eye.

And that's why I always say:

There are seven days in the week... and someday isn't one of them.

Hey, hey.

This is very good cheese.

I think it's some kind of a Spanish Manchego. It has a certain olé to it.

Did you see that really cute guy in the third row?

Okay. Hubba, hubba.

He's coming this way. Coming. Hello, ladies.

Thanks so much for coming to my talk. You got my DVD.


There's actually some great advice in there, Doris.

Yes, yes. Great name.

My mother named me after Doris Day. Doris Day is my all-time favorite.

You know what her real last name was? Von Kappelhoff.

It's funny, huh? Very, very funny.

Excuse me, I just... I have to... Certainly.

Mr. Williams, may I ask a question?

Ask me anything.

Mr. Williams, there's something I want.

Is this something a someone?


And he...

He's very different than me. It just seems impossible.

Impossible, a confounding word. And yet I use it all the time.

There's no such thing as impossible. No?

Think about the word itself. Okay.

I'm possible.

I'm possible. I'm possible.

We're just looking at things the wrong way.

Like this glass of water, is it half full or is it half empty?

I don't know. It's all about the way we look at things.

Do you see? I see.

Yes, you do see. Yes, I do see.

Well, I'm glad to see you, Doris.

You are perfect inside and out.

You're a green ball of glowing light.

And don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Oh, I recognize you.

I'm possible.

I'm possible.

I'm possible.

I guess what I'm thinking is that whether it's digital or analog...

...the brand has to be unified. I agree. Yeah.

Change up the typeface...

What is this one? See, I like this one a lot too. This is...


John, over here, John.


This is...

John, I...

Just... Hello. I'm gonna... Just hold on. Real quick.

Hi, is everything okay?

So I'm... John, this is the situation.

It seems that I have a defective ball.

Yes, I'm... practically empty here.

Oh, look at that. And the other day I saw you... so I put it together in my head because you came in with a bike pump... and so I thought, "There you go."

Let me grab my pump. Be right back. Okay. Okay.


Lucky bike pump.

Okay. Let me take a look. Okay.


If I could just... Sorry. Yeah.

Do you wanna get off the ball while I do this?

Do I have to? I have bad knees.

Oh, okay. Okay.

All right.

There we go.

How are you liking the new job?

The new j... Pretty good so far, I guess. Is it? Is it?

Feel like I'm managing okay. Yeah.


All right. Okay.


Yeah. Yeah.

How's that? Oh, good.

Yeah? It's not too hard?

No, oh, no. Okay.

I'm gonna pull it out, okay? Okay, okay, okay.

Let me get that back in. All right.

Yeah, there you go. All right.


Well, all right. All right.

I'm really glad I could help. I'm glad you're glad you could help.

That was great pumping. Okay. Okay. Yeah.

Bye. Bye.

Oh, hey.

Hey, you guys order the chicken or the chicken?

I'm possible.

What's going on with that guy you met? It's okay, but we met at a Panera Bread...

...because it has clean bathrooms. Yeah, that feels like a problem.

Catch you later. I'll get coffee, okay? See you soon.

Oh, hey, Doris.

Is everything okay?

I just wanted to ask if I could get another cup of coffee.

Oh, yeah, sure. Of course. Let me just get out of your way.


Damn it. Okay. All right.

Oh, no. Oh, no, I'm so sorry. So sorry. It's okay. It's okay.

Let me help. I'm so, so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

No, please.

Doris, stop it. God.



You did that on purpose, didn't you? No.

Yeah, you did. No, no, I didn't.

You're a liar. I'm not.

And that's okay.


Oh, my God, you're sexy.

I am?

Doris? Doris?

Doris, are you okay? Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. I forgot something.


Todd says you and your mother liked collecting things, is that true?

Sometimes. What kinds of things?

Do you like to buy things new or do you find things on the street?

Sometimes people throw away really nice things.

You'd be surprised, is all, you know?

The market on Hylan Boulevard was a zoo today.

I'm stocking up on frozen food for Thanksgiving.

I'm thinking of making a rice stuffing this year... plus the homemade cranberry sauce, the rolls...

We know, Roz. You prepare in advance. You tell us every year like it's new.

I am not Roz to you, I'm your grandmother. Show some respect.

You can call me Buzozia, you can call me Noni, Nonni, Nuni.

When you can vote, you can call me Roz.

Providing you're a Communist, which in theory was a good idea.

How's your mother? Good.

She's up for parole this summer.

That's nice. She'll get out.

She stole that car but it was a hybrid.

So you're coming to Thanksgiving, right, Dorry?

I wouldn't miss it for the world.

I'm making my famous mini-marshmallow sweet potato pie.

Oh, Buzuzia, could you get one of those tofu turkeys for me and Dave?

We're going vegan. Who's Dave?

Vivian's boyfriend. He's not my boyfriend.

Vivian's male friend who is here constantly eating all the food...

...and sucking face. Oh, my God, we do not suck face.

Where'd you meet him? Is he in your classes with you?

Yeah, we go to the same school.

We're doing The Glass Menagerie.

He plays the gentleman caller. Oh, that's so nice.

And who do you play? I'm operating the light board.

Speaking of gentlemen callers, what's going on with you, Dorry?


Nothing. Nothing. I'm getting nowhere with John.

I feel so stupid around him. It's just not meant to be.

What's his full name? John Fremont.

Love is war, honey. You need to find common interests.

Melvin and I... May he rest in peace.

Melvin and I...

Melvin and I... Melvin and I loved improvisational jazz.

I think you need to find common ground with this man.

How can I find common ground when the guy won't even talk to me?

He's on Facebook.

John Fremont is on Facebook.


He grew up in Chicago.

He went to Syracuse.

He likes yoga, Frisbee, Indian food.

Roz, he likes Indian food. When did you have Indian food?

I didn't, but I'm sure I'd like it.

There he is. There he is.

Check this out. Look at that. What else? What else? Go on.

We can't see the rest, we have to be friends with him.

Well, let's be friends with him. No, Doris, it's not like real friends.

We have to make you a profile and then ask him to be friends.

No, I can't do that. I can't do that.

No. Okay.

Then let's make a fake account. He'll never know.


Okay. How about...

Okay. ...this one?

Oh, this is a very bad idea.

No, it's not. Stop.

Let's see. Find someone who looks like they have, you know, a master's degree.


Yes. Yes. Oh, her?

Yes. Yeah, yeah. Totally.

She needs a name.

Lilith Primrose.

I always fantasized my name would be Lilith Primrose... if I was in a romance novel.

Or Lilith Comeswell.

Let's just stick with Primrose.

Okay, let's stick with Primrose.

Let's get you some friends here. Oh, yeah?

Because we don't want John thinking that you're his only friend.

What? What? What happened?

Oh, my God, we're in.

We're in? We got in.

We're in? Yes, look.

Roz. Roz, come quick. We're in.

I'm in the kitchen. I can't hear you. Oh, my God. We're in.

We're in. Oh, look. Look at all this.

Oh, my goodness. Oh, my gosh.

He rides a bike.

Drinks beer. What else?

Likes dogs.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.


"Baby Goya and the Nuclear Winters."


Oh, "I don't recognize your name. Have we met?"


Okay, okay, okay.


We met at a party in...

Malibu... once.

"Oh, okay. Well, see you around."

See you around.

Definitely see you around.

Oh, my God.

Can I help you?

I'm wondering if you have this band.

Baby Goya and the Nuclear Winters.

Electropop. It's cool shit.

Yeah, cool shit. It's over here.

Sure, of course. Cool shit.

Hi, John. I brought you a coffee.

No sugar because I noticed that's how you like it and...

That's so cool. Thank you, Doris. Who's that, John?

It's Doris. Oh, Doris.

I should probably go. Yeah.

But thanks for the coffee. All right. You're welcome.

Since gay marriage became legal, it's been like so much pressure.

Everyone's like, "Let's do that." I don't wanna do that.

Hey, do you guys know Doris?

Doris? Yeah.

What, from Accounting? Yeah.

Kind of. Can you ever really know someone?

I was dating a girlfriend. One day, I realized...

I did not even know who she was.

Who was she? No, I mean, I know... I knew who she...

Her name was Jennifer, but my point is...

...I didn't know who she was. She lie to you about her last name?

No. Who she was. You said you didn't know her.

Her essence. I didn't know... What's she like though?

Are we...? Jennifer?

No, Doris. She's, like, a shy person.

So I don't know. I mean, she's shy. How'd she get here?

Oh, she's like a holdover from the dinosaur ages.

When the company rebranded, we had to keep some lower-level people... so she's been doing data entry since this company was dealing in chinos.

I think she's kind of weird, man. She has to, like, take a boat to get here.

I think she, like, lives with her mom, right?

And they're like, you know, cat ladies or whatever.

Actually, her mom just passed away. Really?

Yeah, super recently. Oh, that's sad.

She was a thousand years old. It's fine.

Well, she's definitely weird... but I don't know, she's like a good weird.

Is that a... Is that a thing?

Hey, Doris. Hey.

Hey, I just wanted to say thank you for the coffee earlier.

Sorry if I was rude. Anne's been on me about the December catalog... since I got here, and it's been kind of a thing.

No, it's okay.

I understand. Cool. All right.

Is that a Baby Goya and the Nuclear Winters CD?

Yes. That's my favorite band.

You're kidding.

Wouldn't have thought you'd be into electronic music.

Oh, I am. I'm a real music person.

I like, you know, electronic and doowop and show tunes.

You're a baller, Doris.

Straight up.

Thank you. Pound it.

No, pound it. Put your fist next to mine.

Yeah. Explode it.

Make it rain.


You know what I forgot? What?

To draw. Can I? Oh, God.

Just give me a break on this one, all right?

You didn't draw first? Or did you just play?

I'm playing now.

Just... Wait, just forget the rules, okay? Yeah, okay.

Forget the rules. Forget the rules.

Forget the rules. Would you knock, please?

Thank you. Okay.

Hello? Roz?

It's me. Hey, Dorry.

Look, is Viv around? Can I talk to her?


Yeah, hold on.



I'll get her. No.

Vivian! Vivian!


Pick up the ph... Pick up the phone.


Because I asked you to pick up the phone.

She never listens to me.

Is she there? Fine.

Great. Why does she wanna talk to Vivian?

I don't know.

Why didn't you ask her?


My turn? Do I have to knock or at the end?

No, that's at the end. Okay, I'm learning, I'm learning.

Viv, I have a really important question.

What does "baller" mean?

Baller? Yeah. If someone calls you a baller.

Well, that's really good. A baller's like a super cool person.

John called me a baller today.

Doris, he must really like you. You know what it was?

I had Baby Goya and the Nuclear Winters CD on my desk.

Do you know who they are? One sec.

Just because... Yeah, I mean, you know, it's one of his favorites...

...and so that's why he saw... Okay.

Doris, Baby Goya and the Nuclear Winters is playing... this Saturday night in Williamsburg.

You have to go. Oh, no, no.

No, no, no. I can't do that. Williamsburg?

I'd take a ferry and two trains. It's his favorite band.

I can't, no. I can't. That means he's gonna be there.

This is fate, Doris.

I'm supposed to have dinner at Todd's house.

That's fine. Just go after. The concert starts at 10.

Come on, Doris. Live a little.

I wouldn't even know what you wear to a concert.

With electronic music you should probably just wear, like... something with bright colors. Do you own anything neon?


Aunt Doris, can I ask you a question?

Yes, Sawyer.

Do you have a giant pair of shoes to go with that clown suit?

Sawyer. Enough, you two.

Both of you, just go watch TV or something. Go on. Go.

They're just being kids, Doris. They didn't mean anything by it.

I like your outfit. I think it's a lot of fun.

Thank you.

So, Doris... how are things going with Dr. Edwards?

You making any progress there? It's fine. It's fine.

We're gonna clean out the house, maybe move out.

No, I'm not planning to do that. No. Okay. All right.

Do you realize how selfish you're being, Doris?

You cannot keep that house all for yourself.

It belongs to all of us.

It's my home. I've lived in it my whole life. Todd, it's my home.

Is it too much to ask that we at least just sell the junk?

It's not junk, Cindy. Everything there means something.

How could it possibly mean anything?

You live in there like a crazy person. All right.

Maybe you're the crazy person and I'm normal. Did you ever think of that?

I told you she was gonna act this way.

Why do you have to be confrontational all the time?

Can't you see she only wants to help?

I have to go. Where are you gonna go?

To a concert.

A concert?

It's 9:00. What, is the Staten Island Glee Club doing a late show?

No. I'm going to go watch a band called Baby Goya and the Nuclear Winters.

Ever heard of it?

Baby what?

Doris. Is that you?

Hi. Hi.

What are you doing here? Gosh, yeah.

I just thought I'd stop by and, you know, take a peek. I just...

We don't have to work tomorrow. No, true.

Yeah. Well... you look amazing.

Well, thank you, just, you know, this thing.

I wear it all the time. Just threw it on.

Is this your first Baby Goya show?

It is. I've tried to go before, but I've been always busy.

He is going to blow your mind.

It's a pretty cool crowd, right?

Really, really, very cool. Great jumpsuit, lady.

Your outfit is fierce. Oh, thank you.

Get in the pose.


I can't see. What?

I can't see anything. Oh, here. Get on my shoulders.

Are you having fun?


Are you having fun?


Bonsoir, Brooklyn.

Is he coming back again?

Is he...? No, I think he's done.

Hey, guys, Baby Goya wants to meet you.

Come on, let's go.

Okay, wait a minute.

Oh, good, she found you.

Welcome. Man, this is so cool.

I'm such a huge fan, Baby Goya. I'm John Fremont.

Thanks, bro. Who are you?

Miller, Doris.


Doris Miller. Hi, Doris Miller.

What'd you think of my show?

And be honest.

It was a little loud in places and I could have done without the explicit lyrics.

Other than that, I thought it was wonderful.

I enjoyed it.

I like you, Doris. Why, thank you.

You say what you mean and you mean what you say.

Kind of. You're a true original.

I try. Niles, what do you think?

She looks fucking sick, dude.

Right? For sure.

All right. We've been looking...

...for a model to be on my new album. Oh, good.

It's gonna be called Fresh Vintage.

Nice. Niles is shooting it.

He's my photographer.

What's up, Doris? How are you and shit?

What's happening? I'm just fine and shit.

Just fine. That's Niles O'Rourke.

He's a major fashion photographer. Oh, that's nice.

Niles and I love your look, Doris. Do you wanna do this?

Yeah. Niles, can you get her digits, we'll have Cassie set it up?

Get my... Get my what? Your digits.

What? It's your fucking phone number.

We need your phone number to call you and shit.

Okay. Have you got a pencil?

No. Nobody fucking has pencils anymore.

I make my own vanilla.

Each bottle has a special bean in it.

It's kind of like the worm in a bottle of tequila...

...except it's not tequila, it's vanilla. Oh, that's nice.

And it's not a worm, it's a bean.

Wonderful. And I make my own chocolate bars.

Yeah. Each one's hand-cut and comes with a haiku in the wrapper.

That's nice. What do you make, Doris?

I make my own blueberry cornbread. Cornbread, that's amazing.

Yeah, well, it comes from a mix in a box, but I add blueberries in.

That is such a good idea. Yeah.

So how do you fucking know Doris or whatever?

Oh, we work together.

Oh, I get it. I totally get it, man. She's hot. Doris is hot.

No, we're not... We're not together like that.

We're just... We're just friends.

Friends with bennies, I hope.

When you fuck... No, I get it.

We're just cool, man. We're just regular friends.

Oh, I got you, dude. Yeah.

I teach at a gay preschool in Park Slope.

Oh, that's nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All my kids identify as either lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender.

Well, that's nice. Yeah, it's really changed my life.

I mean, like, these little kids have changed me... more than I've changed them, you know?

I dress seasonally and monochromatically. This fall, I'm pink.

I was thinking about paisley for winter and white for summer.

What's your method, Doris? Oh, I don't have a method.

So, Doris, where do you live?

I live on Staten Island right near the ferry.

Staten Island? Yeah.

That's so first wave. It is, yes.

You're a pioneer. You know...

I think I was actually the first one on my block to have cable TV.

You guys, you guys, we should all leave Williamsburg in a giant bus... and move to Staten Island.

Yes, oh, my God, yes.

Hey, I wanna make a toast.

To Doris.

To Doris!

Thank you.

So things are going well?

I'm having the time of my life.

I mean, these people have really welcomed me into their world.

It's really something, you know?

Feel like you're ready now to share a little more with me?

I am. I am. I am.

Tell me about your father.

One morning, we just...

We woke up and he was gone and...

Well, that was interesting.

Nice. You look fucking tight, Doris.

No, it's the pants that are tight. Hey, let's do this, guys.

Give me fucking beauty, fucking emotion, all that shit.

Fuck, yeah, Doris.

Give it to me, Doris. Yes. Give me hot.

You know, fucking steamy like dance the music.

You know, it's like, I'm claiming. Doris, that is so sick.

That's so tight. That's so sick. That's so tight, Doris.

Nikki was smart and funny, and one day she just up and broke up with me.

She did it over text. Do you wanna see it?

Right there.

It sucks because I just feel like I don't know what went wrong.

Maybe she thought I was boring.

I get nervous that I'm boring sometimes.

I don't think you're boring, John.

Thank you.

I just want people to like me.

What about you, Doris?

What? You ever been in love?

I don't know. You don't know?

I don't know. Come on.

I feel like I just spilled my guts on the floor to you with this...

It's your turn. I'd like to know.

I was engaged once. Were you really?

Yeah, I really was.

I really was.

I was in my early 20s and his name was Arthur.

And he was a journalism student at city college... and we met at a bar in the Village and I was with my friend, Roz... and he was with his friend, Peter, and they ordered drinks... and then sat down at our table with us and we just talked and talked and talked.

And he loved folk music and foreign films... and he had brown eyes... and a big smile and...

We just spent every moment together... and he took me to all these foreign films that were really weird.


And then one night, he was taking me home on the ferry, and it was bumpy.

I remember it was really rocky and bumpy... and he got down on one knee and then... And he fell over.

And we laughed and then he took out a little ring... and he asked me to marry him and I said yes.

And... then he got a job working on a newspaper... in Flagstaff, Arizona, of all places, and he asked me to go with him.


I couldn't leave my mother.

It would have killed her to leave her alone.

And he left and I stayed, and that's that.

I'm... I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Thank you for walking me to the train.

Yeah, I mean, of course. I can't believe you have to take a ferry after this too.

Well, that's all right. I'm used to it.

I had a really good time tonight.

It's just nice talking to you.

Really? Yeah, really.

I like you, Doris. Okay.

I got you a little bit there.

A little bit. Sorry.

Okay, good night.

You look different.

Do I?

Thank you.

Okay, thank you.

Do you think that sometime you might be willing to let me... come over and look at your house? How about I come this weekend?

Oh, that's so cool.

You look great. Oh, stop.

Are you guys, like, together now?

Viv, please.

Well, I'm not saying anything, but we did kiss.


It was accidental, but I felt a spark.

So when are you gonna see him next? When's your next date?

Well, I'll see him at the office next week. I'm sure we'll set up something.

Just be careful, okay?

What do you mean?

I mean just what I said. Be careful.

You appear to be taking dating advice from a 13-year-old.

I don't wanna see you get hurt, that's all.

I can handle myself.

"I don't want you to get hurt."

John. Oh, hey, Doris.

Hi. I had so much fun the other night.

Oh, it was, wasn't it? Yes, it was.

You wanna have lunch together outside in the park? It's a really warm, lovely day.

I know, I was out earlier, but I'm super backed up.

I think I'm gonna work through lunch. But maybe later... we can get a coffee or something, yeah? Okay?

Yeah. Okay. Bye.

If you could close the door on the way out, that'd be great.


I'll just be closing the door. The door is closing.

Closing the door.

John. John.

Hey, John. You know, I meant to tell you.

I saw the funniest thing on the ferry this morning.

Doris, no, I would love to chat but I'm gonna be late for a thing.

We'll talk tomorrow. Okay.

All right.

Hey, Doris. John, hi.

Hey. Hi.

Is everything okay?

Yeah, why?

I feel like we've barely had a chance to speak all week.

You've been kind of distracted.

Yeah, I'm sorry. I don't know, it's just been a really crazy week.

Yeah. That's okay.

I read in the paper about this new restaurant... where they serve all their food in the dark. It's called Dark.

It's about taste and texture because you can't see the food.

It's like tasting, touching. Yeah, sounds interesting.

We should go sometime. Yes, please, let's do that.

How about tonight? Tonight I can't.

But at some point, sure. Yeah.

Okay. Okay.

All right. Okay.


Hey, you. Hey, you.

For me? Yeah.

It's so cute.

Made it with paper from the paper shredder.

Thank you. It's lovely.

How was work? It was okay.

I'm a little worried about my roommate. What?

She stopped going to a therapist and she's seeing a psychic instead.

A psychic? I know, it's ridiculous, right?

She swears by it though. I'm like:

"What does my therapist do for me?" I mean, I just like...

You cried during Home Alone? Yes.

The part when Kevin looks inside and he sees that family celebrating Christmas.

And he's all alone. I wanna cry right now just thinking about it.

Oh, you find that funny, huh? A little bit.

Do you think you'll live here forever? Where?

Here in New York. In New Yor... I don't know.

Not in this store, but in New York City.


Hey. John.

What are you doing here? I love this store.

I love this store. I come to this store a lot.

Okay. Okay.

Hey, Brooklyn, this is Doris. Doris, this is Brooklyn.

Remember? She's my co-worker.

Oh, yeah. It's so nice to meet you. Yes.

Brooklyn, you... Are you from Brooklyn? Oh, no. I'm from Colorado.

My parents named me that because they love Woody Allen.

Why didn't they name you Woody Allen, you know?

That's hilarious. John told me you were so funny.

I have to go. I have to catch the ferry. So it was nice meeting you.

Are you sure? Oh, yeah.

We're gonna go to Café Kalen and get some dessert if you wanna come with.

Brooks is gonna sing some songs.

It's my first time performing them in front of an audience so I'm super nervous.

Wanna come? No, I really...

The ferry's late and then it gets choppy, and I really have to...

Please come. I could use the support. Yeah, come on, Doris. Come with us.

You were great. Stop.

Wasn't she great? Oh, yeah.

You were so great. Thank you. Thank you.

So John tells me you both went to the Baby Goya concert.

Did you like the show? Oh, yes.

Very... Yeah? You did?

I'm not a fan. No.

Robots and the renaissance? Come on. Are they from the past? From the future?

It's like, pick, one or the other. She doesn't get it.

She doesn't. I'm really sorry.

I kind of gotta take a whiz. Oh, gross.

All right, I'm gonna go. You're such a boy.

I really like that sweater, Doris. It's pretty. Thank you so much.

I like your sweater. It's nice. Thank you. I actually... I knit it myself.

Really? Yeah. Do you knit?

Yes. Yes, I do knit little squares of things.

Oh, my God, you have to come to my rooftop knitting circle.

That's very nice of you. Thank you.

I joined the LGBT knitting community five years ago... and I cannot imagine my life without it now.

I'm not a lesbian, but I'm me there. You know?

Brooklyn, you know, I feel that way in Staples.

I love office supplies and just...

I just wander up and down the aisles, you know?

Well, you have to come. It's a date.

It is. A girl date. You and me.

A girl date. Okay.


Brooklyn Henderson.



Our love was like the sun and the moon and the stars.

And then you tore it all asunder.

And now I lie down to die.

And blow away like a fleck of dust.

Like a speck of dust. Speck of du...

Hey, Doris?



It's Dr. Edwards.

Come on, open up, sis.

Doris, please open the door.


I know she's in there.

First visit in the house? Yeah. Ours.

Hi, Doris. It's Dr. Edwards.

Can we come in?

Sis, just let us in, Doris.

Hi, Doris. Hey.

It's good to see you again.

Hey. Hey.

Oh, my God, Doris, it is so gross in here.

You need to take all this garbage and burn it in a Dumpster.

Cynthia, that's not helpful.

Okay, well, I'll just sit in a corner and keep my mouth shut.

You know, she's gonna look around, okay? Just gonna look around.

So, Doris, we'll start by creating three piles.

One for trash.

One to donate.

And one to keep.

Doris, it's totally up to you to decide what you wanna keep... and what you're willing to let go of. Okay? Should we give it a shot?

Okay. Great.

Okay, let's start here in the dining room.

How about this wooden ski?

Would you like to keep it, discard it or donate it to charity?

Well, the Wallaces gave us that.

They lived across the street before they moved to Montreal.

I liked them very much. And I wanna keep that. I wanna keep it.

Where's the other one?

I'm not sure. You can't go skiing with one ski, Doris.

All right, then we will donate it. Good.

I don't wanna throw it away. I don't wanna have it end up in a landfill somewhere.


Take care of it. It has sentimental value.

What is the point of donating that? Who's gonna go looking for only one ski?

Someone with one leg. Oh, you think you're so clever.

Cynthia, please. This is difficult for Doris.

Try to be patient. Fine.

Great, Doris.

This should give you a sense of the way it works.

Do you wanna try another one? How about...?

How about these magazines here?

Donate. Good.

No, no, actually, I changed my mind.

I'm thinking that I would really like to finish them one day.

Fine. Yeah.

That's no problem. Okay.

How about these empty containers? Keep.

Keep? Are you sure? Keep. Yes. Yes.

I feel that they're going to be very useful at one point.

What about this bowl of shampoo bottles?

Keep. Yes. Really?

Doris? Yes. Keep.

You think you'll need shampoo bottles? There may be a shortage one day... and then people have to come to me for shampoo, and I really...

What? What are you doing? No, no, no. I am getting rid of useless...

No, no, no. This is something I want. This means something to me.

This means something... She's lost her mind.

No, no, no!

It's my stuff and Mom's stuff. This is my house. It's my house.

You go! You go! You go!

You leave! You leave! You leave! Okay. Let's go.

Go. Go. Go on. You go. Come on.

Leave. We'll try this again another time, okay?

I'm disappointed in you, Doris.


You're disappointed in me?

You're disappointed in me?

Todd, where were you?

Where were you all those years?

All those years, I took care of her. I fed her, I clothed her.

I took care of her. Where were you? Where were you?

We made an agreement, Doris.

You were in the best position to take care of her.

And how else would I have gone to school, start my own business? How?

You agreed to that. We agreed to that.

I could have had those things.

I could have had them too.

I could have...

Oh, please. Cynthia, just...

Give me a minute. Give me a minute with her.

Please, give me a minute with her.

You have to get away from here, Doris.

You're turning into her.

You're holding on to stuff because you're telling yourself you might need it.

Someday, you might.

I don't know, maybe you're just scared.

You're lonely.

I don't know why.

But I know that you gotta get out of here.

Can we not do this at work? We're doing this right now.

I don't care if you're at work or not.

Looks like there's trouble in paradise. Stop lying. I can see it all over your face.


I never liked her.

Cute shoes though.

You're probably wondering what happened between me and John.

No. No. I didn't... You know, if you wanna talk about it, I'm here.

Yeah, well, it's over between us. It's donzo.

Really? Yeah.

Why? Because he's a fucking liar.

I'm so stupid. He told me I was the only woman he was dating, but he's lying.

It's obvious. Who's he seeing?

Some girl, Lilith Primrose.

She has a master's degree.

Do you know her? No.

Well, she posted some weird love shit on his Facebook wall... so I confronted him about it. They're having sex.

No. No, no, no. Yeah. I asked him, "Who is this chick?"

He's like, "I have no idea." But I can tell he's lying.

It was all over his face. I've been hurt in the past, so...

Once bitten, twice shy, you know?

Twice shy, I know. So anyway, it's done.

But I'm really glad I met you. You're so cool, Doris.

Doris, listen, it's John. Are you around today?

It's just so weird, Doris.

She kept asking me who Lilith Primrose was.

And I was like, "I have no idea." But she never believed me.

I was cleaning out my closet last night. I found a pair of Brooklyn's jeans.

Yes. I was so depressed, I put them on.

I'm wearing them right now.

They fit me perfectly. Yes, yes, they do.

Anyway... it's over now.

Oh, John, I'm so sorry. I wish there was something I could do to help.

No, you are helping, Doris. I just...

I just wanna be surrounded by friends right now.

Okay, good. Good.

Hey, what are you doing for Thanksgiving?

Nothing, really. Just...

Yeah, I'm having an orphan Thanksgiving over at my place.

I'm gonna invite everybody I've met since I moved out here.

Plus my friend Sasha's in town from L.A... and she's gonna sage the apartment. I don't know, hit a gong and stuff.

Get rid of some of that bad breakup karma.

She's a healer.

Will you come?

Sure. Sure. I'll come. Yes. Great.

Hey, Doris, can I ask you something? Sure.

Would you ever consider dating a younger man?

Just curious.



Come on.

Oh, my God, Doris, it's on. It's, like, so on.

Really, really, really, you think it is?

Doris, I don't think, I know. This is it. It's your moment.

I'm so happy for you.

Doris, Thanksgiving is our special time. It's like... It's a tradition, Doris.

I can't believe you're doing this. I'm making two kinds of stuffing.

Roz, this is my big opportunity. It's my chance to be with John.

Can you be honest with yourself?

He's barely old enough to vote. He probably votes more than you do.

I am a conscientious objector. That's different.

Oh, Roz, honestly, I just don't think this is this big a deal.

You are not like them. Don't you get that?

Why are you doing this? You were so supportive before.

I'm having a rare moment of clarity.

You're jealous because I'm having fun and doing things with others and not you.

You wish!


Roz, there has got to be more to life than going to lectures at the YWCA... and stealing cheese.

I mean, your husband died. He died, it was tragic.

But that was 15 years ago! Move the fuck on!

You're telling me to move on?

You have packets of duck sauce in your refrigerator from the 1970s.

It keeps. Oh, honey. Darling, don't you see?

You're just a weird little old lady in the funny clothes to them!

You're like their weird fucking art project!

You take that back. Doris, I'm worried about you.

You are not my mother. My mother is dead.

So you can stop worrying about me. I can take care of myself!

I don't steal cheese.

That cheese is free.

What action could you take today... that will help you achieve the success in life that you desire?

If everything you do works, then you're not trying hard enough.

Let there be light.

Say it with me.

Let there be light.

You're possible, Doris.

You are possible.

Hey, hey.

Hey, Doris, you made it. Yes.

You look gorgeous. Thank you.

Oh, I made a pie. Nice.

John? Yeah.

I would like to talk to you about something.

Sure. Let me introduce you to everybody first.

Come on up. Hey, Doris made a pie, everyone. Doris made a pie.

Doris. Yes.

Try this. It's a Thanks-tini.

My mixologist friend Oliver designed it specifically for the party.

Everybody, this is Doris.

Of course, you know all these guys. Hi, Doris. You look beautiful.

Thank you. This is Keith. We just met on Grindr.

How nice. I know nothing about him.

And over there is my Uncle Frank.

Frank is in sales. Belts and buckles, to be exact.

Big buckler.

Let's give thanks for our families.

Those of us who are here and those of us who are gone forever.

We miss you, Melvin.

And those of us who are in prison, we hope that the food there does not suck.

And let's give thanks for friends who are here instead of someplace else.

Friends who have not abandoned us.

Friends who have not betrayed us in our hour of need... and run off with some hot piece of whatever.

And let's eat some turkey.

Let's. Yeah.

Hey, pretty lady.

You know, I'm really excited to chat with you tonight.


If everybody could listen up for a second...

Fiona made the turkey tonight.

I got dibs on the drumstick. The drumstick's mine.

You know this has been a really difficult time for me.

I wanted to say how thankful I am for each and every one of you.

You guys are the stuff of life.

I'm nothing without you.

To my awesome friends. Cheers.

Cheers. Eye contact. Eye contact.

Salud, yes.

They say Miss Sheehan fell... but everyone knows she's got a drinking problem.

So we've had this sub for like three weeks.

And his name is Mr. Durphy... but everyone calls him Dorky Durphy because he's super weird. Anyways...

I ride the thing for 15 minutes before I realize it wasn't my horse.

It wasn't my horse.

"Western wolf... night sky.

Our naked bodies twitching under cover of darkness.

Thread count...

...unknown." That was brilliant.

I just feel like my work has changed so much since...

Who wants mint chocolate chip flavored alcohol? Just 10 calories.

We should play Never Have I Ever. Oh, yes.

All right? What is that?

It's a drinking game, Doris.

You say the phrase "never have I ever" and then something crazy... and anybody that's done it has to drink.

Here, I'll start. Never have I ever... participated in an orgy.

All right, jump right in, huh? Who's gonna drink?



It was my first semester at Oberlin. Don't apologize.

Oh, really? At your age?

Doris? What?

You go now. Oh, all right.

Say "never have I ever" and then something crazy.


Never have I ever... gone to work with my underwear inside out on purpose.

Okay. Bad idea.

You're not alone, Doris.

Talk about a bad idea. Okay, okay, okay.

Well, never have I ever had sex with my psychiatrist in high school.

I was a cutter.

Everybody grows out of that.

Great, great.

I can't get through to her.

Who? Doris.

Don't be so hard on her. It's like somebody... stole my friend and replaced her with a wild animal... who stays up all night... and sleeps all day and wears too much makeup... and runs around with other wild animals.

Let her be, Roz. Just let her be. Let her live her life.

Besides, she's just a kid.

John, I would like to talk to you for a minute, in the bedroom.

Okay. Okay.

I'll be there in a few minutes, okay? Okay.

Hey, you wanted to talk?

It's been fun tonight, right?

Yes. What's up?

John... from the first moment we met in the elevator... your first day in the office...

I felt this energy between us.

In the beginning, I thought we were just friends... because girls like you aren't usually interested in boys like me.

Doris. You know what I mean.

You know what I mean. You know what I mean.

And then I realized you were with Brooklyn and I...

Can I just say some...?

Then you broke up... and I felt really bad about writing... that silly comment on your Facebook thing... but then you asked me if I would ever date a younger man... and I...

I knew you felt the same way... and I... I just like you, John.



Doris, no.

Doris, I can't. What? You...

And what is that about the Facebook page?

What, did you post something on my Facebook page?

I did. I'm sorry. That was you?

That was me. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I don't know.

I liked Brooklyn. What are you...? I don't understand.

Why did you do this? I don't understand.

Why did you say that to me? Why did you say, would I date a younger man?

I don't understand. Why did you say that to me if you didn't feel anything at all?

I wasn't talking about me, Doris. I was talking about my Uncle Frank.

He's like 56 years old or something. I don't know.

Hi. Is everything okay in here?

Yeah, everything...

Everything's fine. Okay.


Okay. Okay.


Oh, my God. Oh, God.

Oh, my God.

I came as soon as I could.


Oh, honey. I'm such a fool.

Oh, don't, don't. Don't do that. What happened?

No one even ate my pie.

Oh, honey, what? Yeah.

Are you hungry? I brought leftovers.

Come on, let's sit down and I'll make some coffee.

How was the dinner? Not the best.

What time did everybody leave? We missed you.

All right, just coffee, just black?

Yeah. Okay.

I'm just a joke to him. I'm a joke to everyone. What is the matter with me?

Nothing is the matter with you. You got carried away, that's all.

Love makes people do crazy things.

Look at it this way. At least you didn't lose an ear.

You know, like that... The painter, what's-his-name.

Vincent van Gogh? Him, yes.

You know the worst thing? What?

I don't have anything to look forward to. That's not true.

You have two kinds of stuffing.

You have real cranberry sauce.

You have enough turkey there to feed New Jersey.

What? Oh, my Roz.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm so sorry I missed our Thanksgiving. It's our tradition.

No. We're having it now.


Hello? Dr. Edwards?

This is Doris, Doris Miller.

Oh, hello, Doris. Hello.

Gonna miss you, Doris.


We were talking about how much we'll miss you. Right, Robert?

Yeah. We were talking about it. Bummer.

It is a bummer. Right?

Bummer. Yeah.

Hey, Doris, are you gonna keep the Schnozz doll?

Schmear? Well, I'm gonna change that name.

Do you promise to take good care of him?

I'll take such good care of Lance. Just take it. Just take it.

Thank you.

Hey, how about that yoga cats calendar, Doris? Can I have that?

Yeah. No, take that. Thanks so much.

I've had my eye on it for a minute.

Hey. They're so flexible.

It's been a pleasure.

Look at that.

That is nice. Has anyone called dibs on this yet?

Oh, take it. Just take it, okay? Thank you.

Thank you so much, Doris. We'll call. Thank you.

Doris. Goodbye, Anne.

Goodbye? Where do you think you're going?

There's plenty of work to be done. The day has barely begun.

Anne, I quit. Effective immediately.

I'm taking all my office supplies.

And... And wait, one more thing. This ball... is not a chair!



I wanted to say goodbye.

What do you mean? I've been here too long... and I am just ready... to move on.

And I know I owe you an apology for Thanksgiving.

John, I...

I wanna thank you for your friendship.

You know? And all the time... we did spend together. It was great.


I never meant to hurt anyone.

So... you take care of yourself.

Doris, wait.

It was more than just a friendship.

I never should have tried to set you up with my Uncle Frank. That was stupid.

Like I can't stop thinking about what happened at my party... and about what you said.

Look, Doris, I...

I don't know, maybe this sounds crazy... but why shouldn't we try to make this work?

Why can't it? I don't...

I mean, fuck it, right?

I guess what I'm trying to ask is... do you maybe wanna go grab a bite to eat...

...or go see a movie or something? Shut up, John.

Doris, wait.