Henchmen (2018) Script

"Pep Girl Twins," issue 437.

"The Diabolical Dr. Shark Hands."

Ohh, this is gonna be so good.

Finally, a supervillain with some teeth.

What's that? Who's there?

Oh, come on!

You gotta be kidding me!

Why do the bad guys always lose?

Dr. Shark Hands is the coolest.

I mean, he literally has sharks for hands.

And then he gets taken out with pom-poms!

Who writes this?

If I was a supervillain, I'd win every time.


Hiya!


What a weirdo.

No wonder no one's adopted him.

Lester! Huh?

Sit down!

Comic book nerd! Comic book nerd!

Hang in there, Lester.

Only 112 more days to go.


Let's go, henchmen. Move it out!

You too, newbie!

Wow.

Uh, uh-oh.

Wait! Hold that elevator!

Wh-ho-ho!

Hey. Hey, pal. Check it out.

A real supervillain lair.

Huh? You don't see many of these around.

Good. Next.

Next. Is this spray cheese?

Yes. Next!

Henchmen!

At attention!

The Gluttonator will now speak.

No way!

First... Excuse me for that.

First...

We unleash my Gouda guns on the coastal city.

This is the best thing I've ever seen.

Mm! Then we unleash the Swiss missiles, and Provoloneum bombs on the inland centers.

Before noon...

Uhh, excuse me again.

Every major city on the continent will be ten feet deep in molten, radioactive cheese!

Hey, why aren't they laughing?

Henchmen, maniacal laugh now!

Better.

Another day, another deluded maniac with a terrible plan.

What was that, Hank?

Oh, nothin', Steve. She's all fixed.

Great. Thanks. Hey, it's what I do.

So, you guard the cheese on the elevator, huh?

What are we talkin', Swiss? Gouda?

Cheddar? Sharp? We doin' sharp Cheddar?

What is this, New Zealand grass fed?

Morning, Jane.

How's super evil's princess of pipe fitting doing today?

Oh, not bad, but call me princess again, boss, and you'll be getting a pipe wrench in the old wazoo.

Oh, would you look at the time.

Gotta dash. See ya at lunch.

Okay. You be careful out there.

Radioactive cheese comin' through.

I'm all in.

Ha-ha! Royal flush.

Again?! That's impossible!

The cards don't lie. Yeah?

Well, neither does this! Oh, yeah?

Hey, there he is. How goes it, Stew?

Hey, you want a dumpling and broth at the same time, what do you do?

Uh... use a spoon?

Not anymore. Introducing chopstraws.

Check this out.

You've done it again, buddy.

Only $19.99, Hank.

Order now, and I'll throw in a scratchula!

Ohh...

Later, Stew.

Oh, yeah.

Get in there deeper, come on.

Uh-huh.

Uhh! Oh, yeah.

Morning, Yakov. Da.

Henchmen, at ready!

Take aim.

Fire!

Fire!

All right. Check this out!

What's shakin', old timer?

Old Doug? Old Doug!

Ahh! No, I don't want to take a 15 minute survey.

Ow! Give me that.

Oh, boss, it's you.

Can I have five bucks?

You can stay sharp.

Listen, it's dangerous around here. Okay?

You got it, boss. Right after my break.

Which starts right...

Morning, Hank.

Pew! Huh?

Pew, pew, pew! Pew! Laser!

What do we have here?

Kneel before the awesome power of The Orphan!

Oh, no, everybody run!

Pew, pew, pew. Yeah!

Hey! Huh?

What are you doing? Who cut the cheese?

I'm so sorry. I... I was just...

Trying to kill me? Yeah, I noticed.

Wait a minute. Why aren't you in uniform?

Oh, uh, it's my birthday.

Not what I asked.

How and why are you in the Gluttonator's lair?

Oh, I'm Lester. I'm here to sign up.

Ah. You fell for it, too, huh?

Hey, what's this?

Oh, um, that's my supervillain persona, The Orphan.

Okay.

Do you know how many Henchmen have actually become supervillains?

Seventeen. Why?

All right, listen. It's dead simple.

Okay. Go back to the elevator, take it up to the ground floor.

All right. Start walking east.

Keep going 'til you hit Apex City.

Get a boring job. What?

Get married, have a kid, grow old, die peacefully in your sleep.

But I... Got it?

No! Sir.

This is my dream.

Dream?

Take a look, kid. This is a nightmare.

But that's a real supervillain.

Hey, don't be shy.

Get in on these mashed potatoes.

Oh, this is so exciting!

He's attacking the world with radioactive cheese.

It's stupid. It's not exciting.

What's happening? And here we go again.

What the Feta?!

It's over, Gluttonator.

The Friendly Force Five are here.

Six!

Friendly Force Six!

Oh! They call me the Jackalope.

Great.

What is he doing here?

I'm sorry, he's my half brother.

But he's not one of us.

Yeah, you try telling my mom that.

Gluttonator army...

Attack!

Ha-ha! You missed.

Eesh.

Oh, no.

Hey, boys.

The Pep Girl Twins! Run!

Hi-ya!

Holy moly!

Let's do this!

Anyone hungry? I brought smacks.

Freeze, Slap Happy!

And now I spin!

Ole!

Mozzarella!

Hello.

Dodge this, Nick of Time.

Ha-ha!

Ooh, so close.

Feel my rapid super rabbit kick!

How is he my brother?

Oh! I believe this is yours.

Well, think fast.

Okay, show's over, kid.

Help! Old Doug!

Told you to stay sharp.

Boss, please.

This ain't my first rodeo.

Wait. Is this a rodeo?

Ahh! Let's get outta here!

Hey, guys! Huh? Hank!

Oh, you're kiddin' me. That's the fifth time this month.

How is that even possible?

Time for my sponge bath. Let's get him out of here.

Oh, for the love of brie!

We're gettin' our asiago's kicked.

I'll be back.

Camembert!

Woohoo! Come and get some!

Ohh!

Hey, I just got the bunny guy!

Do I get promoted?

Sure, kid, I'll promote you.

All the way upstairs.

Uh...

But I just shot you.

I'm a super hero.

And we don't get killed so eas...

Whoa! You just saved my life.

Yeah. Happy birthday, kid.

Now, get outta here, and go and have a great, normal, super boring life.

Nowhere to go?

Well, look no further.

The Union of Evil Henchmen is the place for you.

Nestled in super secret Supervillain City.

Home to the very best of the absolute worst.

Are you good at being bad?

Bad at being good?

I am. I am.

I am.

We meet death in the face each and every day, and when we do, we punch that death right in its stupid face!

Punch death in the face!

We don't just die, we die hard.

Great movie!

If you think super heroes are super lame... become a henchman today.

No strings attached.

Certain strings may be attached.

Because we're bad, and being bad... is good!

Welcome to the Union of Evil.

Please hold the handrail while exiting the vehicle.

Attention recruit. Yes, sir!

Time to find out what type of henchman you are.

Are you a level one?

The elite right hand of super evil?

Yes, I am.

Uh, what's that?

Scanning, scanning, scanning.

Not even close. Oh...

Perhaps you have the killer instinct of a henchman second class, foot soldiers of darkness.

Huh?

Wow, cool.

Bring the pain. Hey!

Huh?

Friendly Force!

Drop your weapon, evil scout!

Take this!

My gun's broken!

No, no, no, no, no!

Ouch. New height record.

It's all happening so fast.

And we're done. Already?

But can't I just...

What's that for?

Henchman class three it is. What a shocker.

Really? Ow!

Bye-bye.

Next.

Would the owner of the red murder tank please move your vehicle.

Take a seat, Hank.

Let's review.

Hey, look, it's you.

Oh, boy.

I'm a super hero, and we don't get killed so eas...

And there's the Gluttonator.

Nice one.

Listen, boss, I was just helping that kid.

Heroic stuff, to be sure, but here's the thing.

We work for the bad guys.

So what's it gonna be this time?

Huh?

Meet your apprentice.

What the...

Oh!

Hey!

Oh, you gotta be kidding me.

No. No, no, no. No way!

Hi! My name's Le...

Oh! Motion sickness.

Whoa, that's a lot of vomit.

Ahh.

Lester Fauntleroy Lederhosen reporting for duty.

Come on, boss, please. Get out of my office, Hank.

Oh, and don't forget.

You're on your third strike.

Oh, I got it.

Uh, sorry about the barf.

Kid! Oh! Uh, sorry.

Uh-oh. Bye.

Pete, you are good.

Get a cleaning bot in here, pronto.

Oh, man. I can't believe that you are my mentor.

Yeah, neither can I. Oh, thanks.

Ow! You kinda got me there.

I mean, yesterday I was at the orphanage.

And today I'm here. You gotta be kidding me.

Supervillain City!

Kid? Oh, I'm coming.

So let me get this straight.

I get to live here forever?

3.6 months, kid. What's that? Whoa!

That is the average life expectancy of a henchmen trainee.

Oh, man.

Is that who I think it is?

Were you kicked by a horse at some point?

It's the Nemisisters!

Working in a bakery?

Yeah, supervillains don't tend to save a lot for retirement.

Oh. Hey, can we get a... Nope.

Aw.

Wow! Comics! Newspapers here, kid.

What? Chronicles of disaster.

Oh, no way! I love comics. Huh?

Ho-ho! Yoink.

Hey, hey! We got one rule here, kid.

No crime.

But this is Supervillain City.

Exactly. Without that rule, how long you think this place would last?

Hmm. Makes sense.

Hey there, sucker. Hello.

You ever get shot in the keister? No.

Well, I got a deal on bulletproof underpants. Really?

Wanna blow up the planet? Maybe.

Of course, you do. Doesn't mean you have to blow up your savings.

Two-for-one nukes at Discount Desmond's Bomb-O-Rama!

Hey, I saw him first, sweetheart!

Well, get lost, buddy, because this is my corner.

Hey, hey, hey, hey! Leave him alone, would ya?

He's a Class 3 trainee. He's got no evil plans.

Or money.

Hey, wait! Come back!

I totally have evil plans.

Great, kid. Now let's go find us a job.

Ow. If we can.

Henchman today, supervillain tomorrow.

Hey, what's that!

That is the henchmen job fair.

Wow!

Hey! Free water wings when you sign up with Tsunami.

Oh, come on! I'll throw in a pair of flood pants.

No way!

It's Shark Hands!

And Twisted Squidster!

I get to choose who I work for?

Ah, no. I get to choose who we work for.

How 'bout Dr. Manbaby?

See that diaper. Yeah.

Not just a costume. Oh, cool.

Oh, wait. No. Eww.

Heads up! Old Doug?

Hey, boss. What happened?

I don't know. You just got here.

Where's your body? He went surfing with Dr. Shark Hands.

Yeah, that dude has serious rage issues.

Now, I'm a spaceship.

Kid, meet the crew. You met Old Doug. This is Jane.

Hello there, peach fuzz.

Stew. Hey.

And Yakov. Da.

Great to meet you guys.

So who we working for this time, boss?

Huh?

♪ Baron ♪ Whoa!

♪ Blackout ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Baron ♪ The Baron?

♪ Baron Blackout ♪ Henchmen, come forth and join me, the last name in super evil.

♪ Baron Blackout ♪

Is this thing on?

Oh, forget it. Did I mention I'm paying triple?

Whoo! Sign me up!

Triple wages? Uh, yes, please.

Ah! Easy, guys. Remember Hank's Henchmen Survival Rule Number Three?

Oh, really?

We never work for Baron Blackout.

But triple pay, man!

And Rule Number Two.

It's triple pay!

I got bills, Hank. How am I gonna pay for my eye cream?

That stuff is from Germany. It's gotta be imported.

Who's ready to get paid? Am I right?

You are! I know you are, Dwayne!

I see you looking at me.

Come on! Get up here!

My number-one rule: we never work with Biff.

Get up here.

Well, well, well...

Hank "Chore-again."

Just read about that sweet move you pulled on the Gluttonator.

Get lost, Biff. Why don't you make me?

Janitor.

Well, since you asked so nice...

You wanna fight him, you're gonna have to get through me... first. Oh, you're big.

Oh, who's this little squirt?

I'm... Oh, wait. I don't care.

Ow.

Later, mob jockeys. High-pay duty calls!

Well, so much for that job.

Forget that ding-a-ling.

Guys, we'll catch up with you later.

Kid, let's start you off with something easy.

The Supervillain History Museum?

Oh, man, I bet you come here all the time.

Never, kid. Not really my thing.

Whoa...

Look how big is!

Best birthday ever! Hey!

The Oozinator! Gross in the best way.

Oh! The Aquabot!

Hey, kid. No way!

It's the Ray of Absurd Fears.

Platypus! Leg warmers!

Soup!

So, how 'bout we get started...

And there he goes.

Oh! A big thing covered in a sheet!

Whoa! This is the Time Bandit, Hank.

Looks a lot more "was" than "is."

The Supers dropped a volcano on it, sealing him in this giant diamond tomb.

Superheroes.

Always with the overkill.

No. They were scared.

That glowing orb there, that's whatifium.

Hmm. Now, where did I put my "dontcarium"?

I don't think you understand, Hank.

You break that thing open, and it makes all your dreams come true.

That sounds great, but listen up.

There's no magic time bomb.

So get a grip, kid... on this mop.

All right. You got it, boss.

Oh, hey.

Watch it. Oh.

Sorry. I was reading and walking.

Here, let me help you.

Thanks. Wait.

Don't I know you? Ugh.

That's original. No.

You were a scientist for Baron Blackout, and I was...

The henchman who saved those kids.

Yeah. Wait.

When did you... Get demoted to mop jockey?

About one hour after we last saw each other.

Seriously? Yeah, well...

I'm Hank... Hank Corrigan.

Jolene... Zen.

Museum curator. Yeah.

All the cool gadgets with none of the crazy bosses.

Oh, that sounds great.

Oh, no.

Hey! Really, kid?

What are you doing? I barely touched it.

I just restored this.

I'm sorry.

Uh, hi. My name is Laura... I mean Larry... Lester.

Yeah, he's fresh off the hover bus and a little too excited about all things evil.

It's all right. Just be careful.

I'll keep him on a short leash.

So, hey, what are you doing later?

I was thinking maybe, I don't know, we could...

Oh, sorry. I have to take this.

Ooh, gotta run. Yeah. Nice seeing you again, Hank.

Yeah, nice... seeing you, too.

Boy, is she pretty.

All right, kid, fun's over.

We got a lot of mopping to do.

Hey, look! She forgot her computer.

Perfect! Kid, I'll be right back.

Don't move a muscle.

Not a muscle.

You got it, Hank.

Not a muscle.

Henchmen! Attention!

Yes, sir!

The time has finally come to meet your master of menace, your titan of tyranny, and ultimate evil overlord!

Henchmen, I give you...

♪ Baron Blackout ♪ Ha ha!

Welcome, my obedient and disposable horde.

Join me on my quest for global domination and outright devotion.

Stop it! Not now!

No!

Oh, I've had it. I can't see. Biff!

Help me get this thing off. Of course, sir.

Come on, hurry up. Here we go.

Ah! That's it, that's it.

Now, easy. Easy. No. Hold still. Hold still.

I can't see! Don't do that. I got... I got it.

Let me. Let me.

Oh, come on.

Almost there! Oh! Do it now!

Almost... Do it now!

Are you all right, Baron?

Biff, you lumbering buffoon.

Why are there no nose holes in this thing?

I'm so sorry, sir. I'll have some drilled right away.

Forget it. No more mask.

No more hiding.

But, sir, the union of evil, they banned you for when you fled.

Fled! I did not flee.

That was a strategic retreat.

Brilliant, sir!

A ten year retreat!

Shut your bulbous face. Yes, sir.

Sorry, sir.

Now, you there, in the helmet.

Uh, me?

No, of course not, you. Him!

Me? You're wearing a helmet, aren't you?

Uh, yeah.

Imbecile.

Come forward.

Stand over there by the wall.

Uh, yes, sir.

I have a few questions for you on the subject...

...of loyalty.

Yeah! Come and get some!

Pew! Pew! Pew!

Oh, no way!

I am Hell Hawk! Super Screech Attack!

Huh? Cool!

Fear the mind-sucking gaze of Brain Drain.

How do you stop this thing? Aah!

No!

Well, that could have been worse.

No, no, no, no! Please stop! Oh!

Huh? What's that?

"Ubersuit Prototype."

Whoa!

Oh, man. This is too cool.

They call me The Orphan!

Input password. Password?

Password, correct.

What's happening? Huh?

Uh...

Okay, how about I take the helmet off and you go back in your box?

Hey! Oh!

Aah! Ooh!

Get away from me!

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Everybody was fighting ♪

♪ And the music was soothing ♪

♪ And they all started grooving ♪ Gotcha.

Aw, come on!

Hey! ♪ Ballroom blitz ♪ Oh! ♪ Ballroom blitz ♪ Stop!

Kid? Hank?

What are you doing?

Helmet! Suit! Chaos!

Hey!

Lester!

Oh, no, no, no!

This cannot be happening.

Whoa! Oh, man.

Oh!

Try that one on.

So what do you think, Lou?

I think there's a new sheriff in town.

Yo, check this out.

Magnum A.I. on patrol!

Hey, you hear an alarm? Yeah, I do.

Oooh! Maybe someone's stealing things!

Let's check the news.

Terri will know what's going on.

She is very reputable.

Boom. Good evening.

I'm Terri Murphy, and this is your Super News at 7.

All right!

What do the Pressure Cooker, Blast Radius, and Dr. Manbaby all have in common?

They were all defeated today by the Friendly Force Five.

Well, Captain Superior, you sure had a busy day.

Mmm, no, we were done by noon.

These evil fools got no game.

Like, none.

We could really use a challenge, you know what I'm saying?

Well, you may just get your wish.

This just in.

A brand-new supervillain is on the loose.

In a matter of hours, this unknown menace has caused more chaos than most supervillains have in a lifetime.

He's been seen decimating birthday cakes, spawning tidal waves, and ravaging the Apex City Zoo.

Nobody is safe from the mayhem.

Not even Pop Pop.

We may not know his name or motives yet, but one thing is very clear.

This guy means business.

Today marked the first Koala in space.

The little one's name is Kiki, and she comes from the zoo right here in Apex City.

Good on ya, Kiki.

So, you ready for action, Captain Superior?

Uh... Uh... Listen, Carrie...

It's Terri. Whatever.

Good thoughts, but we just saved the entire world, like, again, and we're kind of eating right now. Hey, come on!

So... Give me my sandwich!

Ahh!

Where were you at 6 p.m.?

I was at home shaving my chest. I swear.

Hmm, very smooth.

So much for laying low.

I could run.

Oh, it'll just make me look guilty.

Why'd I even become a henchman?

I should build a time machine.

Or better yet, I could use...

What-if-ium!

Get real, Hank.

Well, I guess the kid got exactly what he wanted.

Clearly, he wasn't the bumbling newb he pretended to be.

I think he was a cold, calculating criminal mastermind.

Help me!

Well, Hank, look on the bright side.

At least you got rid of him. Huh?

Huh?

What?

Okay. All right. You got me.

I give up.

Help. Huh?

Oh, my head.

Kid?

Hank? Oh, man, I am so glad to see you.

Hey, hey. Hey! Get off me!

Oh! Oh, sorry.

You just destroyed my apartment.

What? No, I didn't. I...

Oh. Yes. I did.

Wait a second. You've never been here.

How did you find me?

I didn't.

I think it did.

Look, whatever your ridiculous plan is, I want no part of it.

Plan?

You think I stole this thing?

You just smashed through my wall wearing it.

Yeah, but... that's not what happened.

Sure, I tried the helmet on, but then the suit just grabbed me.

Look, kid, you want to be a supervillain, you're on your own.

I can't do this alone.

I need your help.

You're my mentor.

Not anymore.

What am I supposed to do?

Figure it out! I told you I can't!

Kid... Whoa!

Ah! Oh, no! I am so sorry, Hank.

Are you hurt? I didn't mean to...

I can't control this thing.

Whoa. Ah! Help me!

Okay, hold on.

Uh... Open the visor.

Open the visor? I can't!

Oh...

What now? Sorry, kid.

Why?

Ahh!

Not to worry. Almost done.

Just one more question.

Uh, yes, sir?

Which is your favorite... nut?

Oh, uh...

Favorite, sir?

Yes. Almond? Filbert? Brazil?

Oh. Macadamia. Sir.

Right, then.

So, when you find yourself at a communal nut bowl, do you take a polite handful, or do you pick out just your beloved Macadamia?

Oh, uh, I guess it depends, sir.

Does it?

Baron Blackout.

Nuts to you.

Get it? See what I did there?

Next!

Uh, Baron... I said next.

Well, that was the last one, sir.

What are you talking about?

Oh, how is this possible?

Uh, well, you blacked 'em all out, Baron.

Look. Huh?

Well, at least now they can be trusted.

Is my ship ready? Uh, no, sir.

And what, pray tell, is your sorry excuse this time?

These things. They're useless.

Man, come on.

Baron Blackout.

Well, do it without them. Not possible, sir.

We do need some henchmen.

Brutus, help me! Oh, nasty.

Fine. Then get more.

Of course, sir, but, uh, what do I say if the Union has questions?

Leave it to me, Biff.

I'll put their worries to rest.

Ah! Get it off me!

Biff!

Hello?

Yes, I know. It's very bad, sir.

Who stole it? Ow!

No idea. Ah!

But this is Supervillain City, so plenty of suspects.

Then figure it out!

Always a pleasure, sir.

What now?

Hello? Who's there?

Jolene? Hank?

What are you... doing here?

Yeah, uh, I was in the neighborhood, so thought I'd pop by.

Pop by?

Wow. How did you get such a great place?

I bought it.

What is that?

Uh... you know that thing that happened at the museum?

Yes, of course I do.

Okay, well, I really need a favor.

You?

You stole it?

Me? No, it was the kid.

Look, I wasn't even there.

Yes, you were, Hank. I talked to you.

Yeah, but... Here.

I came looking for you, and when I got back, the museum was... Destroyed?

Yeah, I noticed.

Do you have any idea how bad this is?

Yes, I do.

Can you help us?

So who did this suit belong to?

A villain named Endgame.

Well, how did he get out of it?

Well...

With a hose. What?

He slammed straight into a mountain the first time he used it.

Oh, man.

Huh?

I can't move my arms.

I... Easy kid.

She's just trying to help.

You get away from me!

Visor down. Visor down!

Get back. You're scaring him.

Lester, no. No!

Great.

Lester, stop!

Help me. Help me!

Punch him in the face!

Ah! No punching. No punching!

Ohh! Ahh!

Oh, no!

No one is going to hurt you.

You have to calm down.

I can't! Just breathe.

Breathe? Oh, my God, am I not breathing?

Oh! I want to get off. I want to get off!

Lester, breathe with me.

In. Out.

Slower. In. Out.

That's the way.

So it's emotionally responsive.

Fascinating.

All right, so... how's this thing work?

Yeah. Please help me.

It's not that simple.

I need to take a scan, run a whole battery of test scenarios.

Okay, then, so, um, just gonna let myself out.

Mm-hm.

Wait. You're leaving? Why?

Uh, well...

I gotta fix my wall, cover our tracks, and I have to concoct an airtight alibi.

Alibi? Well, yeah.

We don't want to go to prison.

We're going to prison?!

No! No, of course not.

And anyway, as long as you're in that suit, they don't make a cell strong enough to hold you.

Oh, yeah. Right.

So, that suit can blast through anything?

Weren't you leaving?

Uh, yeah, hey, look.

I'm sorry about that.

You know, it's been a really long, crazy day, and I guess I just... I... I panicked.

I get it, Hank.

It's okay.

Looks like it's gonna be a long night.

Do you have any coffee?

I only have herbal tea.

Hey. I love herbal tea.

Oh. Okay.

Uh, well, I guess I'll be right back.

No rush.

It's not like we're goin' anywhere.

Perfect.

All right, kid, let's go.

But what about your tea? Shh.

You want to be a supervillain, right?

Well, of course, but...

I got a new plan, kid.

One that will totally fix this.

And, well, everything.

Everything? Yeah.

So what do you say?

Apprentice.

So, I have Raspberry Dazzler, Blueberry Nighty-night, and Lemon...

Ginger!

Of course.

You're gone.

There we are.

Roid Rage has got his finger on the detonator, not a super hero in sight.

Then what happened?

Well, he finishes an extended maniacal cackle, and it leaves him thirsty, so he takes a sip of coffee, and, boom! He blew up the planet.

Classic Roid Rage.

No, no. Stew brought him decaf, Roid Rage flips out, completely trashes his own lair, supers take full credit, of course, but really, Stew saved the entire world.

Wow. I guess a lot can happen on your first day, huh?

Yeah, tell me about it.

Oh! Story time.

That was a long time ago, kid.

Wait, wait, wait.

Proceed.

Okay, okay.

I was working for that Baron Blackout guy...

Ahh! A cow?

Yeah, you nailed it, sir!

I wasn't aiming for the cow.

I was aiming for that!

Children?

You can't do that.

I'm Baron Blackout.

I can do whatever I want.

See that, trainee? That's how it's done.

More power. Give me full power!

No! You can't do this.

Get her out of my sight.

Sir, super heroes!

Hello?

Any baddie home?

Captain Superior.

I'm going to enjoy this.

How's that for a headline?

Here's a headline.

Blathering heroes, fail to save children... then die.

Oh! Ha!

What? It can't be!

No. No.

No, no, no, no!

My blackout ray.

It happens to the best of us.

Huh?

Hey! Shut up!

Yes, sir.

What's this? How dare you.

Get him! Huh?

Wait a second, I remember this one.

"Friendly Force Five," issue 126.

"The Henchman with a Heart of Gold."

Please don't call me that.

Yeah, and right after that, Baron was all like, "Strategic retreat!"

And then he took off in his secret escape pod thingy.

The henchmen had to surrender, and were, like...

"Do you know what you've done?

And you were, like, "I saved those kids."

And he said, "I'm gonna tell the Union all about it"

And then everybody laughed and laughed, and laughed, and laughed.

And as for you...

I've been pushing a mop ever since.

Right.

Okay, lift, kid.

There. That should be enough.

Enough for what?

You want to be a supervillain, you gotta learn how to use the suit.

How am I gonna do that?

All you need is the right motivation.

Whoa!

Ahh!

Ahh! Huh?

Ahh!

Uh-oh. Whoa-oh-oh!

♪ I keep rollin' down the road ♪

Go! Oh!

♪ I keep rollin' down the road ♪ Whoops.

♪ I ain't got me nobody ♪ Kid? I'm okay.

Fire!

Hey! Sorry.

Fire!

Come on, dig deep.

Wow!

Yeah! That was great!

Fire. Fire!

Ah-ha!

Oh, no.

Oh. Ahh! Ahh!

Come on.

Yes! Yeah! Ooh!

Excuse me.

Yeah!

Whoo!

You got this.

Yeah!

Woo! Wow!

Fire!

Hi-ya!

Whoa, yeah. There was, like, 20 of 'em.

Yeah, and pretty sure they were telepathic, cyborg... Ninjas.

They're just lucky I didn't bring my nunchuckers to work.

Yeah. Bloop is like deadly with nunchucks.

You don't even know. Hi-ya!

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey!

Give me that. Oh, dizzy.

Get outta here, you...

To the perpetrators of this theft, I don't care if you're a telepathic cyborg ninja... or any other kind of ninja... you will be caught, and you will be punished!

That is all.

Someone's in very deep doodoo.

Yeah. Just how stupid do you gotta be to break our only law?

Hey, guys. Hank!

Who's thirsty?

Not me, boss. Lookie here.

Ahh...

Ah... Ahh.

Ahh.

It's bottomless. Like me.

So, Hank, you guys done or what?

Yeah. Yeah, you could say that.

Great. Let's get back to work.

Whoa, guys. Hold on a second.

It's, uh... It's the kid.

Dead already. Well, I've outlived another one.

Okay, so last night... the kid and I, we were working... at the museum.

Museum!

No! Huh?

What? Uh... is closed, so, sorry, guys. Can't go there today.

Aww...

Keep it down.

Hank, what's going on?

Wait, wait, wait, wait. I think I got it.

The kid saw the thieves.

No, it's, uh... it's a little worse than that.

Worse? How? I mean, it's not like you guys did it, or something.

Oh, Hank. Huh?

Oh.

Oh, now that's not even close to funny, man.

It was just an accident.

Breaking a lamp is just an accident.

This is... As bad as it gets. I know.

Listen, if I could just get the kid back in there, I can make this all go away.

Great! Then go do it.

Put our drinks on your tab anyway.

Yeah, what you waitin' for?

Uh, well... He needs our help.

Don't ya, Hank?

Yeah, I really do.

Hank calls this a plan?

More like robot assisted suicide.

Relax. We've totally got this.

Don't we, old timer?

I have a pot on my head.

Here they come.

Get ready, kid.

And that's when I had to register these bad boys as deadly weapons.

Want to see why?

You? What about you?

I'll take that as a yes. Ready. Set. Hit.

Stun. Karate. Judo. Spin-a-rama!

Dead!

Huh? Whoa. Ow!

Hey, watch it, buddy.

Halt! This is a crime scene.

Authorized personnel only.

Yeah, move it or lose it.

Easy there, handsome.

Lady bot.

We are here on official union... business.

Let's go.

Uh, 'scuse me, miss, uh, I'm gonna need to see some, uh... credentials.

Oh! Uh...

Credentials? Oh!

I don't need no credentials.

I got pinchy, and I got flippy.

Oh. Uh...

Stew's not really a robot. Run!

Ooh! Stop right now!

Robot impersonators!

Ahh. Ahh!

They stole my nunchucks.

Come back here, yous!

Okay. All clear. Come on.

Uh, ooh.

Wow.

Did I really do all this?

Yeah, you sure did.

But, uh, not for much longer.

What do you mean?

The plan.

The Time Bandit?

Not him. That.

What-if-ium. That's the plan?

Yep. Like you said, it'll make all our dreams come true.

But then you told me to get a grip on reality.

Yeah, and then you changed our reality, so, uh, blast away, kid. We're in a hurry.

Oh!

Uh, okay, Hank.

Oop... Ooh.

Give me a minute.

Okay.

Come on. Come on.

And... fire!

Oh... Hmm.

I got one more, I got one more.

Come on.

Let's get some.

And... fire!

Come on!

I'm sorry, Hank. I just can't do it.

It's okay, kid.

Oh, boy.

I mean, really.

What was I thinking?

You can't even push a mop straight.

What?

It was my first day.

Yeah, and you want to be a supervillain.

What are you saying?

The real bad guys don't throw in the towel the first time they get a scratch.

Hey!

I've worked with the best of the bad.

Look around you.

You ain't one of 'em.

Hey, that's not fair. This suit attacked me.

The suit.

Handed the ultimate weapon on a silver platter.

What?

And not even that helps you get the job done.

What are you talking about?

Oh, and that supervillain name.

The Orphan!

Why don't you just call yourself Pipe Dream.

What are you doing? How about Life Ruiner?

'Cause you really did a number on mine.

Oh! Stop!

I don't think Fantastic Failure is taken.

Shut up.

Yeah, that's got a real nice ring to it.

I said shut up!

It doesn't matter what we call you because you're useless.

Shut. Up!

Whoa.

Perfect.

Whoa.

Ha-ha! I knew you could do it, kid.

Man, that was something.

Ah, man.

Listen, I know that was a real dirty trick, but it was the only way.

I thought you were my friend.

Oh, I am, kid, really.

I didn't mean it.

And as soon as we use this...

I will never have said it at all.

You're under arrest. Unhand the What-if-ium.

Oh, great. You are under arrest.

Unhand the What-if-ium. You are under arrest.

Unhand the What-if-ium.

You are under arrest. Unhand the What-if-ium.

You are under arrest.

Huh?

Ahh!

You are under arrest. Unhand the What-if-ium.

What-if-ium? Oh, no.

Guys, what have you done?

Man, I don't like this. They should be here by now.

Don't worry. They will.

I'm hearing those voices again, man.

Huh? Brakes, kid.

Brakes, brakes, brakes, brakes, brakes!

Hit the brakes!

Hank!

Uh, huh!

Yeah. Are you all right?

Yeah.

I'll live.

Since when do you fly? Da?

Uh...

He doesn't.

I do.

Wait. Why are you still in that thing?

What's going on, Hank?

You said you were gonna make it "go away."

I put air quotes around it because those were your words.

Ugh. Ahh!

No, no, guys, the plan worked perfectly.

I got the What-if-ium.

Whoa. What's that?

This is the solution to all of our problems.

Huh?

No, Hank. Stop!

Who is that? This guy and his secrets.

You can't do this!

And why not?

Because we have no idea what it might do.

Well, what it might do is give us all a brand new life.

We get to start again.

Start what again?

Everything. I break this, the kid gets to be a supervillain, and we don't have to be henchmen anymore.

What? But you guys are all I have.

Da.

You can't make this decision for us, Hank.

She's right.

Just think about this for a second.

I'm sorry, guys.

No, don't!

Huh?

It's not your decision to make, Hank.

You did not just try to erase my life.

I was just trying to make things better.

For all of us. No.

You did this for you.

No, listen... Hank, admit it.

You lied to us. Well, yeah, but I mean...

This is ridiculous. Just stop!

Let's go, guys.

Something stinks around here.

Da.

Guys, come on. You know me.

I wasn't trying to...

Wait. Guys, come on.

We're a team.

Come on, Lester. Let's get you out of here.

And out of this suit.

Guys.

What if it had worked?

Then maybe you would have been a better friend.

Do you have to do that now?

Well, I know some T. Swift if you'd rather.

Man, just do, like, anything else.

I do know something else.

But only on the bagpipes.

Bagpipes?! Man, that's way worse.

Look alive, citizens of Loserville.

I've got a job for you.

Not interested, Biff.

And I wasn't asking.


All right, who's next?

Woohoo!

Come on, Yakov, you've got this.

Da.

Ooh! Seven seconds.

That's a new record.

You're next, handsome. Yeah, Hank.

Get over here.

Huh?

Strike three!

Boss?

You're out, Hank.

You could have killed me.

Yeah.

I know.

Makin' a run for it, huh?

Well, I'm kinda low on options.

Low?

No, Hank. You're fresh out.

Bring him in, boys.

Oh, great.

He's the most selfish...

Obstinate...

Meatheaded man I have ever met.

Uh... Are you sure this is gonna work?

Yes, Lester, of course.

I just have to find the right frequency.

Ugh! He could have killed us!

Yeah. Um, Jolene... But he knows best!

Maybe we should take a little... Ahhh!

Trying to help?

Yeah. Help himself!

Henchmen.

It's stuck!

Oh! Lester.

I'm so sorry.

Ahh. Thanks.

So... you're really mad at Hank, huh?

Yes! Aren't you?

Uh, yeah, I am, but Hank saved my life two minutes after I met the guy.

And back at the dump, he really thought it was our best chance.

You mean his best chance.

Oh, he was wrong. For sure.

No doubt about that.

I... I just think he's... Selfish? Stubborn?

And totally... Lost.

He feels trapped.

I know that feeling.

It made me think I wanted to be a supervillain.

Turns out, I was just... lonely.

And these bad guys seemed really good at... being alone.

Ahhh!

Oh! Sorry.

Biff. Yes, sir?

Who are they?

Uh, well, these are the new henchmen, sir.

Henchmen for whom, the evil Quicky Lube?

Actually, we prefer henchpeople.

Shut your talkin' hole, recruit!

Recruit?

You kidnapped us, dude.

Oh, boo-hoo.

You're in big trouble with the Union.

Oh, are we now?

Well, then, I'd better get rid of the evidence.

Stand against the wall.

That is one creepy smile.

Baron, stop! What?

Uh, sorry, sir.

I mean, we really need them.

We have electrical issues. We really need a cook.

Oh... And the bathrooms.

Whatever those zombies are doing in there, it's more like an eight than a number two.

Oh, fine! Put them to work.

Whew.

I'll just zap them later.

I'm ready. Let's go, full blast!

Huh? Uh, wait a second.

Wh... What's happening? I'm sorry, Lester.

I've tried every frequency on the spectrum.

What? No.

Jolene, you have to get me out.

You said this would work.

I know. I really thought it would.

What if I have a late growth spurt?

Uh, that's not gonna happen.

I'm never gonna see my toes again.

That's very unlikely.

Oh, I'm just gonna do this myself.

Lester.

Aw! Piece of junk.

This isn't the way. Aha!

Now we're talking.

Stop it. What?

How, exactly?

This thing jumped on me. Lester.

I didn't ask for it. Mind control, my butt.

Oh, great. Now my butt's itchy.

Lester, that's it!

My butt? No, your mind!

Yeah, I know! I'm losing my mind!

Your happy place.

Just close your eyes and remember a time when you felt safe and cared for.

Uh, you do know I'm an orphan, right?

Just try, Lester.

Please.

Okay, okay.

♪ Comic book nerd, comic book nerd ♪ I'm not sure I have a happy place.

Happy place, happy place, happy place.

Way to go, Lester.

I knew you could do it.

Lester? Lester?

Lester.

Are you all right?

Uh, I think so. It's just... Huh?

Whoa!

It worked!

It really worked! Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Uh, you're welcome.

What was the that?

Denizens of Supervillain City... Come on!

...it is I, Baron Blackout!

I can't believe this.

I am taking over the world, starting with this wretched island.

Oh, no. Lester, run!

What in the blue blazes is going on, Hank!

How should I know? I'm not Baron Blackout!

It's always you, Corrigan.

Every time something's screwy, it's your fault.

I... Huh?

Hey, boss, stop! I gotta get my crew.

You don't have a crew anymore, Hank.

Hey! Stop it!

What do you think you're doing? Whoa!

Uh-oh.

Aah!

Now that I have your undivided attention...

Hey!

No fleeing.

Now, listen. I have a pressing appointment with the Friendly Force Five, so I'll keep this short.

Serve me or die.


You're mine, Corrigan! Oh!

I'm taking you in if it's the last thing I do!

Get off of me! Sorry, boss.

Just listen, I have a plan.

Let me guess. Lay low, do the bare minimum, and sit on your a...

Nope. Not this time.

Hmm? Oh!

Guys! Anyone here?

Hank? Doug!

You're alive! No, I just lost five bucks, but I'm happy to see you.

Don't worry. We're all getting out of here.

Now, where's the crew? Well, Biff took 'em.

Oh, no. Blackout!

Blackout? Is that why I can't see?

It's time I did what henchmen do best.

Got ya! Torch the bar and move to Mexico!

No, fix it.

I got 'em into this mess, and I'm gonna get 'em out.

Great! Let's wear matching outfits.

Sorry, old-timer, but I gotta do this one solo.

Oh, thank goodness.

Doug, I really need a favor.

Yeah, give me names, Hank. Consider 'em dead.

Terri Murphy here with an Apex City News exclusive.

A supervillain has just parked on the Friendly Force Five front door.

Ooh! Here they come now.

Hey, I remember this loser. Yes, so do I.

He ran away like a little baby chicken.

Oh?

You guys go ahead. I'll catch up in a bit.

Every time.

Hello, Chicken Man. Well, hello there.

Long time, no see.

Yeah, you get your little thingy fixed?

How about I show you?

This goes a lot faster without Captain Blabbermouth...

My many, many superpowers.

Your team, they're all gone.

Shh, shh, shh!

Capisce? That's Spanish. Italian.

Sure, I can do pasta. Pick you up at seven?

You are the stupidest man...

Ah! Mama!

Baron Blackout.

It's all clear.

Whoa.

Ugh.

I can't believe it.

Here's Dougie!

Old Doug?

Say, I'm looking for that sciency lady.

You mean Jolene?

Close enough.

You're here to see me? Sure am.

Hank sent me here to give you an important massage.

Oh, uh... Ooh, I meant message, like them fancy emails.

Just something about Hank surviving the mission, risking life and limb to redeem himself.

I don't know. Doug! Survive what mission?

Oh, sticking it to the man, man.

He's going after Blackout.

Hank's taking on the Baron?

Alone? He is?

He'll be obliterated. Obliterated with a capitol "D ."

Oh, no.

Oh, this took so long... but, boy, was it worth it.

Update me, Biff.

Sir, you've defeated the Supers.

Your mindless horde has Apex City in total panic, and the president is awaiting your demands.

Perfect. It's all just so bloody perfect.

Incoming craft, sir.

What? Weapons detected, sir.

We are under attack.

Who would dare?

Hey, Blackout! Say hello to my little friend!

Was that it?

I know, right?

He may as well have thrown a sandal at us.

He was all like, "I'm gonna be a big hero, save the world."

And our ship was all like, "I don't think so, son!"

Zoom in. Who is this dolt?

Hank Corrigan. I remember that face!

Traitor.

Oh! Uh...

Showtime.

♪ The mountain is high ♪

♪ The valley is low ♪

♪ And you're confused ♪

♪ On which way to go ♪

♪ So I've come here ♪ Here's my turn.

♪ Into the promised land ♪

♪ So come on and take a free ride ♪ Come on.

♪ Free ride ♪

♪ Come on and sit here by my side ♪

♪ Come on and take a free ride ♪ Huh?

Jackpot!

♪ Come on ♪ Ha-ha!

It ain't rocket science, baby!

Huh?

What?

Follow me, boys.

♪ Free ride ♪ Yes, I am taking over the world, Mr. President.

Oh, no, no, no, it's not fake news.

Baron, look!

Why isn't he dead?

Auto-pilot engaged.

Sir, he's ramming us. Fool! He will be crushed.

Wait.

Oh, no.

No!

♪ Free ride ♪ Baron?

My blackout ray!

The ray is undamaged, sir.

Oh, thank goodness.

I thought I'd lost you, but you're okay.

Yes. Yes, you are.

Baron! Huh?

Whoa!

Not yet.

So, Hank, is it?

Yeah. Okay, Hank.

Now, what exactly is it about me in particular that drives a nothing like you to such absurdly heroic acts?

My friends.

Like a dare?

No, like you took them.

Oh, I see.

So you're here to demand their safe return or else.

That was the plan.

You do realize you're unarmed.

I dropped my gun. Yes, I saw that.

Well, how 'bout this?

You want your friends, just ask.

Very funny.

Ask me now.

I insist.

Okay.

May I have my crew back?

Hmm.

Let me think.

No!

Oh! You're dead, Corrigan.

Goodbye, worm.

Ahh!

Lester, what are you doing here?

Just passing by.

Kill him now!

Huh! Watch out!

Ahh, come on!

Yeeha!

Ugh! They keep coming!

Need a rescue, henchman?

You're dead meat, Corrigan!

Go get the crew!

I got this.

You sure, kid? No, but do it anyway.

Let's go! Oh!

After them, you idiots!

Yes, sir!

So, what's the plan, Hank?

We're gonna start by running for our lives.

Now, that's a plan.

We got you now, Corrigan.

In here. Come on, quick.

Marco!

Po... Shh.

Ohh.

Escape pod leaving in 10 seconds.

Here we go. Huh?

Stew? Wow. 8... 7...

6... 5... Old Doug?

Old Doug? He's here, too?

Guys, wait. Lester's still on the...

Ship.

Ahh!

Now that is an impressive suit.

Ahh!

Ahh! Ahh!

But why are you using it to help a bunch of useless henchmen?

Because I am a henchman!

Ahh! Ahh!

Henchman? Ha! You could be so much more.

Give me that suit, and I'll teach you everything you need to know.

What?

You want to train me?

Oh, yes.

Just think of what you could become.

You could be just like me.

A supervillain?

And not just any supervillain.

The Orphan.

The Orphan?

Oh, sure. Yes.

Nobody to hold you back.

No family to worry about. No friends.

That's very good.

No friends?

Just you and me together.

Trust me.

Okay.

Okay, yeah.

Deal.

Perfect.

Happy place. Happy place.

Whoo.

Ahh!

Fool.

What are we looking for here?

It's a small vent, about this big.

You mean like that one?

That's it!

We have to get down there. Whoa!

Hey, Corrigan. What do you think you're doin'?

Oh, nothin', just boring third class henchmen janitor stuff.

Very funny. Drop it!

You want me to drop this wrench down there?

Ah! Oh!

Just do it!

You've got the gun, you make the rules.

Back.

Little more. Right there.

Now!

This is it.

The end of the road for Hank Chorrigan.

How does it feel to lose for the last time, loser?

Well, Biff, it's like that feeling.

You know the one.

When you realize the idiot losers who build it and fix it...

Uhh...

Also know exactly how to...

break it. Huh?

Ohh!

Now let's go!

Corrigan! Huh?

Uh-oh.

What was that?

Ohh!

Get ready.

Come on, you. Let's finish this.

On!

Attach!

I said let's go!

What happened?

Oh! You're alive.

Tell me how it works.

Yeah, yeah, okay, okay.

Now!

Look, all you gotta do is say the password.

What password? Password correct.

Huh? Oh. Oh, this is good.

Oh, tickles a bit.

It's a touch snug.

Oh. Oh, yes.

Oh, I can feel it.

It's all mine. The power.

The power!

Lester?

You! Blackout!

Oh, no.

Lester, what have you done?

Brilliant!

Oh, this is gonna be so much fun!

So, Hank, how should we end you? Hm?

Ooh, yes. How about that? Barbecue.

No.

What else can this baby do?

Ha! Smoked!

Frostbite!

Confettied?

Oh, that's a terrible idea. Who put that in there?

Why aim so small, sir?

Huh? Meddling henchmen like these two deserve something a little more... diabolical.

Kid. What are you...

Oh! Have you met my new... apprentice?

Lester...

Save it, Chorrigan.

I finally know what I'm supposed to do, and who I'm meant to be, no thanks to you.

I am a supervillain.

I am The Orphan!

I just needed the right mentor to teach me.

That's very good.

The is the Baron Blackout, the world's greatest criminal mastermind.

He answers to nobody.

He commands a giant warship.

He turns entire cities into mindless minions.

Oh, yes. I am spectacular.

Yeah. Keep talking.

In "Friendly Force Five," issue 80, he stole the Diamond of Destiny!

Oh, yes. That was a good one.

Ah, I remember that well.

Or in "Moonbeam," issue 42, when he sunk the unsinkable island!

The power.

Mine at last. I feel the power!

Or who could forget "Earth Dude," 422, when he flattened the Forest of Fortitude!

No.

And what have you done, Hank?

Who are you compared to the great Baron Blackout?

Lester.

Why, with his mind and that suit... anything is possible.

What?

Well, almost anything.

Yes, that's the...

What? Come again?

Uh, you know what? I just remembered.

The Diamond of Destiny was a dud, wasn't it?

What? No! Never!

Ahh! Ohh!

And that island.

I just remembered it resurfaced.

Yeah, pretty sure Blackout ended up being chased off by a flock of adorable hummingbirds.

Ahh! They were vicious!

And didn't the Forest of Fortitude grow back?

Ahh! Yeah, actually, I remember the last frame of the comic.

It was Baron here gettin' licked by a harmless little tree frog.

Ugh! It was... Ahh!

Poisonous!

You see, Baron, that's the problem.

Ow! Ohh! Ahh!

You're a bad guy.

And bad guys... always lose.

What?!

Whoa!

Whoa!

Oh!

I will... not be bested... by a bunch of useless... henchmen!

Was that good or bad?

Da!

Hey, guys.

Lester! What took you so long?

Well, we just had a little cleaning up to do.

Spoken like a true henchman.

Welcome to the crew.

Hey, Lester.

Thanks.

You got it, boss.

Ah, come here.

Aww.

Isn't this just too sweet?

I think I'm gonna cry.

How are you still alive, dude?

'Cause Biff don't quit! Ohh-oh. Ohh-oh.

Ohh-oh. Ohh-oh.

Oh, what's this?

Sending the girl in to fight your battles, huh, Chorrigan?

What you figure, honey?

You gonna come over here and ask me out?

Ahh!

Oh!

Ooh! Oh! Ow!

Da.

And that's how it all began.

How a sad little orphan without a friend in the world became a member of the greatest team the world has never seen.

♪ Big wheels keep on turnin' ♪ Ohh...

♪ Carry me home to see my kin ♪ We take out the trash.

Oh!

♪ Singin' songs about the southland ♪ What?

We clean up the mess.

And fix what's broken.

♪ Where the skies are so blue ♪ Because we're not superheroes.

♪ Sweet home Alabama ♪ And we're not supervillains.

♪ Lord, I'm comin' home to you ♪ We are a family.

A family of henchmen.

Really?

♪ Sweet home Alabama ♪

♪ Where the skies are so blue ♪

♪ Sweet home Alabama ♪

♪ Lord, I'm comin' home to you ♪

♪ Sweet home Alabama ♪

♪ Where the skies are so blue ♪

♪ Sweet home Alabama ♪

♪ Lord, I'm comin' home to you ♪