Herbie Rides Again (1974) Script

Umph!

(EXPLODING SOUNDS)


(ALONZO HAWK LAUGHING)

What a location!

Ah, si. The mighty Coliseum! The glory of Rome!

Doesn't it stir your imagination?

HAWK: You bet it does, baby! Do you people realize what a shopping center we could put up there?

Plenty of parking too.

MAN: Here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the world's highest office building.

Hawk Plaza... 130 stories of manmade glory!

In just a few hours, Hawk Enterprises will break ground on this incredible project.

How did it happen, you ask? I give you now the man that made it all possible.

(FAN FARE PLAYING)

Thank you, friends. Thank you.

My heart is too full to speak.

Ah, you see.

You've brought a tear to this flinty, old eye.

So, all I can say is thank you.

Thank you for allowing me to share a moment of your precious time.

Get those deadheads out of here.

What, are they gonna stand around all day and drink my booze?

All right, ladies and gentlemen, down to my office...

(BUZZING) ...where a scroll awaits you.

Hello.

SECRETARY: Mr. Barnsdorf, sir.

Hello, Barnsdorf.

When are you going to be ready for us to start digging?

What are you talking about?

That building site's as clean as a...

What's that?

I thought we got rid of that crummy little firehouse months ago!

There's just one holdup. We couldn't get old lady Steinmetz to sign the papers.

Just one, beat-up old lady makes monkeys out of the most overpaid lawyers in the country!

Come on, boys. I expect a little action, and I better get it or else!

For some reason, she doesn't seem to trust us.

Of course she doesn't. Have you looked at yourselves?

Your own mothers wouldn't trust ya!

What we need is somebody so nauseatingly innocent, and so stomach-turningly helpful and so incredibly dumb anybody would trust him.

(BUZZING) HAWK: What is it?

SECRETARY: Mr. Willoughby Whitfield to see you.

He says he's your nephew.

Whoever he is, throw him out!

Don't bother me again!

Say, wait a minute.

Is that that dumb-looking kid of my sister's from back east?

He was going to law school or something?

He just finished law school. He says he's a full-fledged lawyer.

He's a full-fledged lawyer. Send him in.

Mr. Hawk will see you now.

Oh.

Thank you.

Come in, boy. Come in!

Isn't he beautiful?

Uncle Alonzo, I hereby present you with the first law college Humanitarian-of-the-Year Award.

Here.

Oh, well, well. Humanitarian of the Year, eh?

That's right, Uncle.

Award committees give out humanitarian awards to a lot of strange ducks, but why me?

I was the award committee.

You put in the fix!

You figured to take care of your Uncle Alonzo.

You're a smart boy!

If there's one thing I admire, it's somebody who knows how to use juice properly.

Juice?

Yes, juice. How to use muscle, influence, how to bend things his own way.

Oh, no. My goodness, no.

It wasn't done dishonestly. I thought it over, and I couldn't think of anyone any more deserving than you.

How come?

From the day I was born, my mother never tired of telling me what a great man her brother was, getting rid of dirty old buildings and building shiny new ones, sending us California fruit at Christmas. You were her idol.

You clowns get out of here.

I'm trying to have a nice talk with my favorite nephew.

HAWK: When I look into your eyes and see the shining light of idealism aglow there, it makes me young again and ready for battle.

Battle?

Yes, battle!

It has never been easy for us idealists.

Now, I'm going to give you a chance to put that idealism into play on your very first job.

Oh.

Picture if you will, a tough, little old lady, living in a rundown, rat-infested firehouse, standing right in the way of our latest civic benefaction.

There may be city builders who might find it in their heart to be vindictive to this old lady.

They might say that she feeds on the misery of the poor in that forsaken neighborhood, that she rolls drunks, that she teaches small children to steal and make them bring most of the take to her.

Would I, Alonzo Hawk, Humanitarian of the Year, stoop to such tactics?

On the contrary!

I would do everything in my power to help that tough, no-good, little old lady.

I would give her a large sum for that worthless property, and I would provide a special price to her alone a lifetime lease in Eternity Towers, that beautiful new haven for helpless old people such as herself.

It has a gymnasium, a sauna, an old Rudolph Valentino- Sessue Hayakawa movie.

It has a beauty parlor, hobby center, and instead of cooking her heart out over a hot stove, there would be automatic machines in every hall to lavish her with everything from pizza to hot chili.

Now wouldn't it make just your whole being happy to be part of all that?

When can I start, Uncle?

Here's the address. Get moving.


Here. Thanks, pal.

Ah, isn't it breathtaking?

DRIVER: It's a mess, all right.

That guy, Hawk, oughta be hung.

What?

(BUZZING)

WOMAN: I'm coming.

Mrs. Steinmetz? Good morning. My name is Willoughby Whitfield.

I'd like to discuss business with you.

Come in, won't you?

I can't.

You see this car has rolled onto my foot.

Oh, dear!

I guess somebody forgot to set the brake or something.

Herbie, aren't you ashamed of yourself?

Get off of Mr. Whitfield's foot.

Herbie's always trying to protect me.

Herbie?

I'm quite capable of taking care of myself.

I was about to make a nice cup of tea.

Come in. You must have one with me.

Oh, thank you.

Of course, I have to humor Herbie.

He used to be a famous racing car, but his driver went to Europe to drive foreign cars, so he's a little sensitive. You can understand that.

Yes. Now, to get down to business, Mrs. Steinmetz.

People have been worrying about you living in this old firetrap.

I've been asked to come over and...

Firehouse, not firetrap.

Firehouse, yes. Be that as it may, the least we can do...

(GYPSY MUSIC PLAYING)

Stop that! That's downright rude!

Do you know what he was playing?

Do Not Trust Him, Gentle Maiden. Nothing personal.

No. He's a friend of Herbie's, of course.

Friend of Herbie's?

So is old 22.

You may as well meet all the family while you're here.

Number 22 used to be on the old Clay Street line.

(BELL CLANGING)

Herbie found him in a vacant lot.

Someone had used him as a chicken house.

He's much happier here, of course.

I can understand that you may have some emotional attachment to this old building...

Indeed, I have.

I was married here to my late husband, Captain Steinmetz, of the San Francisco Fire Department.

Oh? One of the heroes of the great fire.

We understand your position. That's why Mr. Hawk has authorized...

Don't tell me you're from Alonzo Hawk?

Yes.

Oh, you have such a nice face.

Thank you.

Not at all like those ruffians he usually sends.

If you would just look at the size of this check.

I don't know anything about money.

My nephew, Tennessee Steinmetz, usually takes care of me.

He used to live here.

He had to rush off to Tibet because his guru got sick.

If you would just look at this... What's a guru?

His teacher! My nephew is a student of Oriental Philosophy.

That's how he learned that things have an inner life.

Like wind, rain, traffic lights, can openers, flowers...

And little cars.

That's how Herbie and Tennessee became such great friends.

Mrs. Steinmetz, this sum of money could take care of you for the rest of your life.

I didn't have to study Oriental Philosophy the way Tennessee did.

I could talk to Herbie right off.

Oh?

I guess it's in the blood.

See ya tomorrow!

WILLOUGHBY: I don't like to press, but believe me, Mr. Hawk has your interest at heart.

I have an agreement here. If you would just glance...

Oh, Nicole!

I want you to meet a gentleman from Mr. Hawk's.

How do you do? Agh!

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Poor Mr. Whitfield! Such a nice young man.

They're bothering us again?

You've hurt your hand.

On the contrary, it feels marvelous.

Are you all right, Mr. Whitfield?

What was that?

Nicole Harris, a very brave young lady. She works for the airline.

Last week she knocked out a hijacker with a bottle of California wine.

Now, get out. If you or any more of Hawk's stooges come around, you'll get worse than that.

Please. Mr. Whitfield and I were having a nice conversation.

I'll bet. But...

Isn't it time for your nap? Mr. Whitfield is just going.

Well, very well. Good-bye, Mr. Whitfield.

I hope I'll see you again when I come down.

Mrs. Steinmetz...

Out! Out! What?

Please, have a heart. This is my first assignment. I can't afford to fail.

I said, out!

All right, all right.

Miss, you look like a sensible person.

You must know living all alone in this crummy neighborhood is no place for an elderly woman.

What do you mean "alone"? She's got me...

And she's got Herbie.

That's another thing.

That goofy story about this car, that's a sure sign she's coming apart.

So you think it's goofy?

Of course, don't you?

How would you like to go for a little ride?

I thought you didn't like me?

I'd like to take you for a ride in Herbie. I'd like that very much.

That's very nice of you.

I'll be ready in a minute.

(HONKS)

All right, Herbie. Let's get going.

Miss Harris, you're obviously an intelligent young woman.

Why do you pretend to talk to this car? People might wonder.

Don't listen to him, Herbie. Just move it.

I can understand Mrs. Steinmetz thinking of this car as a person.

Old age has many fantasies. It only proves that she needs Mr. Hawk's help.

Remember, Alonzo Hawk sent him.

You and I know better, don't we?

You stubborn bucket of bolts!

You always have to do everything your way.

Let's stop kidding ourselves. This is just an ordinary little car, like a million other ordinary, rather unattractive... Whoa!

I don't think you should have said that.

Herbie's very sensitive about his appearance.

All right, you've had your laugh. You ought to stop now.

You won't get Herbie to stop until you say you're sorry.

The thing that upsets me most about this thing is you trying to maintain the fiction about this... Whoa!

(HONKING)

Please, tell Herbie you're sorry.

All right!

Herbie, I'm sorry.

What do you think now?

I think you're a skillful driver, but I don't know if I'd like to have you drive me again.

You think it's a trick?

Yes. I would say the whole thing is a trick.

Would you like to drive?

Yes.

Good.

There, you see, this car is just your ordinary, rather stupid-looking... Whoa!

What do I do now?

It's too late now. You're on your own.

I just hope Herbie hasn't lost his sense of humor.

(SCREECHING)

WILLOUGHBY: "Chicken tournament jousting today."

What? What's it up to now?

I don't know. It's hard to figure Herbie out sometimes.

ANNOUNCER: The gallant and chivalrous contenders are now taking their places on the field of honor.

At the north end of the list, the undefeated champion of the tournament, earless, brutal, unforgiving, the Red Knight!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Yeah!

At the south end, his stouthearted adversary, the ever-popular Sir Lancelot!

(CHEERING)

I don't know what Herbie's up to, but I hope it's not what I think it is.

ANNOUNCER: Let the joust begin!

Give the signal, Your Majesty.

(FAN FARE PLAYING)


(CLUCKING)

What are they doing? Seems dangerous to me.

Hey, what are they doing?

I think this is where I get out.

Good idea. I'll join you.

ANNOUNCER: The victor, thus far, has demolished all who oppose him.

The surviving champion, your favorite and mine, the Red Knight.

(CHEERING)

At the other end, we have a mysterious new contender, but the name doesn't matter.

No one lasts for long against the Red Knight.

Let the joust begin! (REVVING)

(FAN FARE PLAYING)

No, Herbie! Wait!

I take everything back.

I apologize. I believe, Herbie!

I believe!

(CLUCKING)

My brave champion, you have won me!

Take me to your kingdom.

You win the bread, man. $3.

Uh, I'm beginning to think that I owe you an apology.

Oh, no, I can't stand men who apologize.

Oh, uh, well, may I take you to lunch?

All right.

I used to live in a little apartment building opposite the firehouse.

I loved it. Then Alonzo Hawk came along to tear the place down.

And kicked me out.

I'm sure he didn't mean it personally.

Now you know why I go crazy every time I hear the name Hawk. How's your jaw?

It's all right. It's... Ooh.

I'm sorry. How was I supposed to know it was your first assignment?

You couldn't possibly know what a no-good he is.

Miss, there's something I should tell you...

Anyway, Mrs. Steinmetz took me in until I could find another place to live.

When I found out what Hawk was up to, I stayed on to protect her.

I wasn't gonna let rats from Alonzo Hawk talk her out of her home.

I don't think you're being quite fair.

Fair? To Alonzo Hawk?

Yes.

Don't tell me he's conned you the way he's conned everybody else.

I think I should tell you that...

Did you know...

He put a parking garage on the lot where the DiMaggios learned to play baseball?

Please, I...

His factories are polluting all the fish in the Bay.

Look, you...

His skyscraper casts a cold, gray shadow on the children's playground all day long.

Let me tell you...

He kicked 30 old-time Chinese families off Grand Avenue to make room for his skyscraper.

Please, Miss Harris.

I can't believe Uncle Alonzo would do things like that.

Wait a minute! Uncle!

He's your uncle?

Yes...

You rotten spy!

(SCREAMING)

Here's your warm milk, Grandma.

Be sure and drink it. You know how good it is for you.

Yes, dear. I still can't understand why you hit him with a boiled lobster.

Grandma, I wish I could stop doing things like that.

I really sort of like him.

I'm glad to hear that.

After all, brilliant, eligible lawyers don't grow on trees.

What are you leading up to?

Um, nothing, dear.

I just thought that perhaps you could talk things over with that nice Mr. Whitfield.

Nice try, Grandma.

But if I want a young man, I'll have to get him my way.

I suppose so, dear.

Stop hatching plots and go to sleep.

Yes, dear.

Good night, Grandma.

Good night, dear.

NICOLE: Good night, Herbie. Pleasant dreams.

(DOOR CLOSING)

MRS. STEINMETZ: He used to be a famous racing car.

He used to be a famous racing car.

He used to be a famous racing car.


(CROWD CHEERING)


(CROWD CHEERING)

Uncle Alonzo, I dropped by to talk to you man-to-man, so I could look you squarely in the eye.

No, I'm wearing makeup because of a black eye.

A girl hit me in the face with a boiled lobster the moment I mentioned your name.

This same wonderful, intelligent, clearsighted girl was able to convince me what kind of a person you really are.

I do not hold with your scheme of cheating Mrs. Steinmetz out of her home so that you may build your concrete anthill on the spot where she has known so much happiness.

Hmm.

I think you are despicable, greedy, grasping and wholly without principle or pity.

I also believe you are not a nice person.

If you write my mother, who is also your sister, Frieda, please do not tell her that I wear makeup as a general rule.

I'm going back to Missouri now, so you may no longer use me as a cat's paw.

I bid you farewell, more in sorrow than in anger.

Please do not send us any more fruit for Christmas.

(HONKING)

(HONKING)

Good-bye, Grandma.

NICOLE: Hi, everybody!

Hi, Herb.

No hard feelings, okay?

I'm so glad you and Herbie decided to make up.

Oh.

I'm just going for my morning walk.

Come with me. We could have a nice chat.

I just came to say good-bye. I'm going home to Hawk City, Missouri.

Oh, what a pity! Nicole was hoping to see you again.

She's a wonderful girl, even though you don't seem to agree with her.

I do agree with her now.

As a matter of fact, I'm going straight to my uncle to tell him exactly what I think of him.

That's splendid!

He might be an important man but it's time somebody told him the real truth.

Nicole will be thrilled. Please wait 'til she comes back.

To be honest, I'm more afraid of her than I am of my uncle.

Nonsense! Nicole is just a high-spirited young lady.

Oh, that's for sure. Good-bye, Mrs. Steinmetz.

Don't weaken about the firehouse.

Don't you worry.

Call my nephew wherever he's staying and tell him to get right over here.

Yes, sir. And Mr. Barnsdorf is on the phone for you.

Yeah, what do you want?

You ready for us to dig yet? My boys are gettin' itchy.

I'll tell you when to start digging.

Thought I'd remind you I got some high-priced digging equipment and crew sittin' around playin' gin rummy, waitin' for you to make up your mind.

It's costing you 80 grand a day. (CHUCKLING)

Stop bugging me, Barnsdorf.

I'll give you the order to start digging any moment now.

What do you want?

I'm sorry, Mr. Hawk. I called the motel but your nephew checked out.

What do you mean he's checked out?

When? Where? Who told him he could check out?

How dare he disappear when he knows I'm worried sick.

I'll tear his chicken-livered gizzard to pieces.

I'll stomp him silly! I'll take this letter knife and I'll stab that kid in his ungrateful breastbone.

You know me, Millicent. Normally I'm a kindly fellow.

But when I get crossed, I go bananas.

(BUZZING)

Yes? Oh.

It's your nephew.

Willoughby?

Where are you?

Oh, hi, Uncle.

I thought I'd save time and phone you the news.

That's marvelous, great! You're a smart boy!

That Hawk blood will tell in the end.

(MIMICS TUGBOAT WHISTLE)

All ashore that's going ashore.

(WHISTLE)

What's all that noise? And what news?

The news I was leaving town.

Leaving town?

Uh, I'm on the ship-to-shore phone...

(PHONE SCREECHING)

From the deck of the Swedish freighter, the Gustav Gustaffson, bound for Helsinki.

(GASPING) Helsinki!

I'm glad you're taking it like this, Uncle.

You know, you really should leave Mrs. Steinmetz alone.

(GARBLED YELLING)

(YELLING CONTINUES)

Haaa!

(GARBLED YELLING)

Don't worry. You'll feel better in the morning.

Stop talking like an idiot. I feel better right now.

Alonzo Hawk may be betrayed, but he is never defeated!

Outta my Way!

Since none of you pitiful excuses for men have enough muscle to move a feeble old lady off her property, I'll go and do it myself, like I have to do everything around here that's important.

Now, Mr. Hawk. Oh, shut up!

We'll start on number one, harassment.

And I wrote the book on harassment.

We'll shut off her phone, turn off her water.

We'll sic the health and building inspectors on her.

Steal her dog.

She doesn't have a dog.

What do you mean? A little old lady living in a place like that?

Who looks out for her? How does she get around?

She has a little car she goes everywhere in.

You fellows go and pick it up!

Yes, Mr. Hawk.

A bunch of lamebrains. Hold it, hold it!

You fellows'll probably even foul up on a simple assignment like this.

The first team is on the job. I'll go pick the car up myself.

Overeducated pinheads!

All right, gentlemen, start taking notes. Learn how the grownups do it.

You gentlemen are probably unaware of it, but I began my fabulous career as a repossessor of motorcars.

At the tender age of 19, I was the best-known repossessor of cars west of the Mississippi.

Hot-wire Hawk, they called me. Observe, gentlemen.

Screwdriver, pliers and a piece of wire.

Check your watches, and you will see that I will return with the object of my mission in 15 minutes or less.

All right, let's go.


(BUZZING)

Madam is not at home, sir.

Thank you, Maxwell.

I won't be needing you anymore.

Very well, sir.

(CLICKING)

(ENGINE REVVING)

Once you learn something when you're young, you just never forget it.

Except a six-year-old kid could steal this one-cylinder hair dryer.

(SCREECHING)

(GRUNTING)

(CARS HONKING)

Quiet!

All right, buddy, let's get this thing outta here before I...

Oh, hello, Mr. Hawk. What are you doing in this little car?

Just shut up and push!

Certainly, Mr. Hawk. One tiny thing, is the car out of gear?

Of course it's out of gear, you nitwit! Just push!

All right, Mr. Hawk.

Okay, push.

Hey, wait a minute! What are you gonna do about that cab?

(INDISTINCT YELLING)

Are we trying to get tough?

Don't you dare to threaten me.

All right, Mr. Hawk.

Well?

Three minutes to go.

Oh, hello, Commissioner.

Got a little problem.

We gotta tow him outta here.

Mr. Hawk, just sit quietly this time.

Don't touch the pedals or the gears, understood?

Don't order me around. I will do as I please!

The traffic commissioner shall hear about this!

I am the commissioner.

Then what are you doing in that monkey suit?

The traffic commissioner would dress in dignified clothes.

This happens to be my dress uniform.

I was on my way to the ceremonies for "I am a Policeman" day.

Okay, let's go.

(SCRAPING, SQUEALING)

(SCREECHING)

(CHEERING)


WOMAN ON RADIO: Commissioner, call your office.

There's been an accident.

See the man. See the man.

One minute to go. He'll never make it.

Oh, if Mr. Hawk says he'll do something, he'll...

Here he is!

(GROANING)

Get that car, dead or alive!

Right away, sir!

Mr. Hawk?

If you'll sign a few of these citations.

Compliments of the commissioner.

Well, he's got more stuff than I thought.

Yeah, I'm sorry he's going too.

All right, I'll see you later. Bye-bye.

WOMAN ON P.A.: Flight 38 for Las Vegas...

I tell you, Mother, you've never seen Uncle Alonzo in such a rage!

He's probably having this airport watched right now.

But he won't find me. I'm wearing a disguise. A disguise...

A beard and a mustache.

Yes, I know, Mother. I promised I wouldn't grow a beard when I left.

Don't you understand? It isn't real.

No, I will not go back and apologize to Uncle Alonzo!

He is a greedy, unscrupulous, no-good, thieving, uh, uh, uh, coyote. Yes, thank you, miss. Oh!

No, Mother, my asthma is not coming back.

No, nothing's the matter with me. Everything is just fine now.

This is the turning point of my life.

Uncle Alonzo used to push me around and you were always telling me what to do.

Then I met this perfectly wonderful girl.

I was even afraid of her 'til now.

I've just decided something.

I am not going to be a rabbit anymore!

Good-bye, Mother.

Ooh. Ooh!

Come along, Herbie. Off to market.

Thank you, Herbie.

(ENGINE REVVING)

Let me see now. Half a dozen tomatoes.

Um, the broccoli looked very nice yesterday.

What else was there?

We've sighted the car, Mr. Hawk.

We're moving in for the kill now.

They're moving in for the kill now.

Ooh!

What happened? You said you were moving in for the kill!

Negative. A little premature, I'm afraid, sir.

She's obviously a very desperate woman.

But don't worry. She won't make it this time.

Another of your shortcuts, Herbie?

Where is she now?

She's still going up and up.

It's incredible! She's driving like a madman.

Oh, Herbie, behave yourself.

You knocked my glasses off.

(SCREECHING, CRASHING)

Where on Earth is she?

(BEEP)

Don't answer it. It'll be Hawk.

Look!

No, Mr. Hawk, the phone didn't ring before.

Were you trying to reach us?

Did you grab the car?

Any moment now.

There it goes, into the Sheraton-Palace Hotel.

The Sheraton-Palace Hotel?

May I draw your attention to the superb baby shrimp?

All right, Herbie, but you'll never convince me this is a shortcut to Vern's Market.

Gentlemen, do you have a reservation?

There it is!

MAN: After her. Somebody stop her.

Don't let her get away. Come on, let's go!

There's only one thing gives me the creeps, that's that weird little car...

What's the matter with you?

There it is!

Pull yourself together. You're getting hysterical.

Take two aspirins and lie down.

One of us has to keep our nerve.

Come on, come on! Move it!

(CHUCKLING) Now we've got him.

Stop woolgathering, Herbie.

We really must get to the market.

Oh, oh! Wait a minute.

Look out! He's coming back!

Ooh!

Look out! Look out!

Grandma, I was worried about you. Is everything all right?

Wonderful! Herbie took me for a nice drive on the bridge.

Let me help you.

It's Mr. Whitfield. So nice to see you again.

This morning you were on your way to Missouri.

Nicole spoke to me.

Grandma, Mr. Whitfield's agreed to help us fight his uncle.

Wonderful! Stay for dinner.

I've already invited him.

Why don't you take those out to the kitchen?

Yeah. Thank you.

What a fine young man!

You look so right together.

Oh!

Now, if there's anything I can do...

There is one thing, Grandma.

Just let nature take its course.

Oh, yes, dear. Oh, I wouldn't want to interfere, not for anything.

Oh.

By the way, we're going to want more broccoli for dinner.

Will you and Willoughby pick me up some, please?

Sure.

Incidentally, you ought to drive down to the beach.

Grandma!

It's the most beautiful day.

We'll just go get some broccoli.

Yes, dear, of course.

I'm not gonna say another word, Herbie.

There's nothing I can do.

Of course, I can't help it if you happen to have a mind of your own.

Can I?

I guess I should have told Mrs. Steinmetz I don't like broccoli.

Herbie, where are you going?

The young lady and gentleman have turned towards the north.

It would appear that they're not immediately returning to the firehouse.

See that they don't. Do anything you have to, but don't let them return to that firehouse until after dark.

Do you read me?

Perfectly, sir.

Oh, Grandma put him up to this.

Where's he taking us?

I don't know, but I could make a guess.

Pardon me, sir. Is this the only road from the beach?

Yep!

Would you care, sir, to earn $50?

Don't mind.

We wish you to obstruct the road from the beach for two hours.

My employer is preparing a surprise party...

Don't explain. Just give me the money.

It's very romantic here, don't you think?

Do you know that's the first time I've ever heard anyone use the word "romantic" in a real conversation?

I hope I wasn't being too forward, but it is romantic.

I think that's what Grandma had in mind.

She always thought the Pacific Ocean was very romantic.

Captain Steinmetz proposed to her on the beach near the Cliff House 50 years ago.

(SQUAWKING)

(HONKING)

I'm sorry I punched you the first time I met you.

That's okay.

It wasn't very ladylike to hit you with a boiled lobster.

It's okay.

You can hit me back if you want.

That isn't exactly what I had in mind.

(SQUAWKING)

(HONKING)

Oh!

Herbie! Oh!

Oh, it's time we were getting back.

Herbie, come on!

Leave that sea gull alone!

Herbie!

I wish that car would learn to mind.

Herbie, please!

Herbie!

Heel, Herbie!

See? Just needs a firm hand.

You know, Willoughby, sometimes you really surprise me.

Hey, what's happening?

(HONKING)

Sorry, sir. My rear axle's frozen.

But, how're we...

Sorry.

WILLOUGHBY: No, Herbie!

Ooh!

Whoa!

Oh.

Ahh.

Oh!

Ahh!

Oh, well, here we are.

Ah.

Nicole?

Very quietly and quickly, pull your hand back inside the car.

Why?

We've got company.

Hmm? (GASPS)

NICOLE: That's ridiculous! Why would a shark follow a Volkswagen?

WILLOUGHBY: Because he thinks the same thing I do.

We're going to sink.

WILLOUGHBY: Uh, excuse me.

Can you tell me the way to San Francisco?

Yeah, man. Straight up the beach road, first left, second right.

Thank you.

Whoa...

Old number 22, it's gone!

What?

They came with a big truck.

Everything's gone.

Who did it?

It said on the truck, "Alonzo Hawk Van & Storage."

Haven't you ever jimmied a lock before?

Of course not.

It isn't a hobby of mine.

Hurry. We can't just stand here.

(ENGINE REVVING, TIRES SCREECHING)

Good for Herbie!

HAWK ON RECORDING: Halt!

You have been detected by electronic surveillance.

You are about to be surrounded by agents of the Alonzo Hawk Security Service.

Touch nothing in this warehouse or you will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.

Don't you dare talk to me like that, Mr. Hawk!

I want my things back and I'm going to have them!

I think that's a recording.

I don't care what it is.

Halt! You have been...

Let's find your things before somebody gets here.

...by agents of the Alonzo Hawk Security Service.

Touch nothing in this warehouse or you will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.

Your things aren't here. Maybe we better...

(MUSIC PLAYING)

GUARD: All right, hold it!

Okay, get your hands up.

MRS. STEINMETZ: Don't you get fresh with me, young man.

Watch it, Smitty. She's the ring leader.

SMITTY: Come on, grandma. Move it!

Keep your hands up.

MRS. STEINMETZ: I most certainly will not.

If you say please, I might consider it.

All right, please.

There now, you see, that wasn't so difficult after all.

If you'd mind your manners, life would be easier for all of us.

Now, would you be good enough to tell me exactly what you are doing with my furniture?

GUARD: How do we know, lady?

All I can tell you is that nothing goes out without Mr. Hawk's okay.

Look out, Smitty! Run!

(CRASHING)

There goes some more. Out of the way!

Hey, we're out off! How're we gonna get out of here?

You know, Smitty, I don't think Mr. Hawk's gonna be happy about this.

(BELL CLANGING)

(BELL CLANGING)

(GRUNTING) Whew!

Oh, evenin', mother.

Eh, ain't you a might old to be a stewardess?

There've been a lot of changes since I come to visit this town.

(BELL CLANGING)

Barnsdorf, will you stop worrying about your digging equipment?

You're paying me 80 grand a day.

Will you stop bothering me?

I have broken the old lady's spirit. Yeah!

I've taken every stick of furniture.

She's sitting in an empty firehouse, ready to listen to reason.

Barnsdorf, I guarantee you you can start digging first thing Monday morning.

(PHONE RINGING)

Yeah.

What?

That's right, sir. Yes, they got away with everything.

Call out every unit of the mobile security force!

We'll nail 'em to the wall!

Stop at the top so we can figure out how to get down the other side.

Right.

Uh, like I was sayin', little lady, (CLEARS THROAT)

I was doin' fine 'til I got into that sheep-dip you call liquor in this town.

My name is Judson.

Got a little cow ranch a couple hundred miles north of here.

Been alone with those cows for over 40 years, so I thought I'd get into town and stir up a little excitement.

Might be my last opportunity. (CHUCKLING)

I better get a piece of rope and tie us all up together, nice and snug.

Oh, no! It looks like Uncle Alonzo!

No, Herbie! Don't do it!

Oooh!

After him!

(SCREECHING)

Faster! Faster!

Oh, Herbie, now you have got us in a mess!

Now, Herbie, stop this minute!

(GASPING)

VENDOR: Hey, watch out. What are you tryin' to do!

You busted my machine! Look, here comes another one.

(INDISTINCT MUTTERING)

That's not nice. Look what you've done to my "pretzellette"!

Mrs. Steinmetz!

Mrs. Steinmetz, put on the brake!

You're a fine lookin' woman. Did you say you was married?

No, the Captain's been gone these many years.

There he is, Captain Steinmetz, hook and ladder, number 27, city of San Francisco, a fine gentleman.

Nice picture.

You carry it around with you everywhere?

Mrs. Steinmetz, use the hand brake!

(HONKING)

Oh! You okay? (GROANING) Yeah.

I declare, little lady, you're a sight to make this country boy's heart flutter.

Oh, don't be silly. I'm much too old.

Oh-oh-ho. The way I figure it, you're just about comin' into your prime.

(PLAYS SOFT MUSIC)

Can't that thing play somethin' with a little more pep?

(PLAYS UPBEAT MUSIC)

(PLAYS CLASSICAL MUSIC)

(UPBEAT MUSIC APPROACHING)

(BELL CLANGING)

How nice to see people dressing up for parties again.

(HONKING)

Was that anyone we know?

Looks like these cars go a lot faster than when I was a young fella.

Well, you can't stop progress!

Look at that! (GASP)

Herbie, you gotta help us!


Steady, Herbie!

Come on! Come on! Move closer!

Hurry up! We're running out of street.

Closer! A little more!

Go On, Jump!

Whoa. (GROANING)

(GRUNTING) Oh!

(SCREECHING)

Hmm, well, here's where I get off.

Thanks for the ride, little lady. Appreciate it.

Sure like to cross trails with ya again sometime.

Are you all right, Grandma?

Of course.

I just met the most interesting man.

Good morning, Grandma. Sleep well after being up so late?

Not a wink, my dear. I suddenly realized what an enormous amount of trouble Alonzo Hawk is giving me.

I'm going straight down to his office to give him a piece of my mind.

Oh, no, you don't. (HONKING)

Oh, I have to go. Bye-bye, Grandma.

Please, don't do anything foolish.

Willoughby, I know Grandma and I think she's up to something.

Don't worry, I'll keep her out of mischief.

You better or else I'll get tough again.

Bye.

Bye.

Uh, where are you going, Mrs. Steinmetz?

To see Mr. Hawk.

Oh, no, you can't do that. You heard what Nicole said.

Nicole is a very sweet girl. But at her age she shouldn't start ordering me around.

Do you mind if I go with you?

That won't be necessary.

No, but I think Nicole would prefer it. (ENGINE STARTING)

Hey, come back! Mrs. Steinmetz! Come back!

This certainly is a nasty whiplash, Mr. Hawk.

I'm afraid you're trying to do too much.

I know, Millicent.

But except for you, who can I depend on?

I have to do every... Who are those clowns?

Your new lawyers. You fired the others yesterday.

Oh, now look, fellas, I'm gonna tear down the Steinmetz firehouse.

Just a moment. You have the necessary permit?

Of course I don't have a permit! I don't even own the land yet!

Sorry, Mr. Hawk, such an action would jeopardize the legal status of your new building.

We can't permit you...

Will you get outta here?

I didn't hire you to tell me what I can't do!

I hired ya to tell me how I can do it!

Go!

You see, everybody lets me down. You know me, Millicent.

I'm enthusiastic, boyishly eager.

All I get is cheap lawyer talk.

Poor Mr. Hawk. It isn't fair.

Nevertheless, I shall not falter.

I am like a sensitive, finely-tuned violin.

All I need to restore me is a few moments of peace and quiet.

Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey!

Hey, you out there!

Hey!

Hey, turn it off!

You idiot! What do you think you're doing?

Washin' the windows, every Wednesday, Mr. Hawk's orders.

I am Mr. Hawk. Get out of here!

Okay, cancel the windows.

And you better shut the window! Runs up the air conditioning bill.

You're fired, get your money...

Mr. Hawk's orders!

They may harass me, but don't let them ever think they have me beaten.

That is when Alonzo Hawk is at his most dangerous.

Yes, sir.

(CHUCKLING) Millicent.

This is what I want you to do. I want you to try and get Fred Loostgarten on the phone for me.

He used to work with our wrecking company before I fired him.

I understand he has a little one-horse operation of his own now.

Yes, I think that's how Captain Steinmetz would handle the situation.

Excuse me, could you tell me where Mr. Hawk's office is?

Yes, ma'am, the old buzzard hangs out 28 stories up, six windows to the left.

You can't miss it.

I'm sorry. I don't hear so good from this side.

28th floor! You can't miss it!

Thank you so much.

No! Mrs. Steinmetz! Stop!

(BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYS)

Mrs. Steinmetz! Come back! Stop!

Mrs. Steinmetz! (STAMMERS) Help!

Grandma! Mrs. Steinmetz!

(GRUNTING) Help!

Help!

Missus... Grandma!

Help! Mrs. Steinmetz!

Grandma! Help! Mrs. Steinmetz! Help!

Grandma!

Is that you, Mr. Whitfield?

Where are you?

Down here!

Help me!

Oh, there you are.

Just a minute. I'm coming.

No, no, stay where you are.

Just take us down.

Of course, Mr. Whitfield.

But first you must promise to let me see Mr. Hawk.

Anything! I'll do anything you say!

Very well, Mr. Whitfield.

Hey, Loostgarten, old buddy, how are ya?

I know things haven't been going too well for ya, but that's the way life is.

Yeah, right, Mr. Hawk.

I got to thinking...

I've got to find a job for my old friend, and here it is.

You know that crummy old firehouse on the site where I'm building Hawk's Plaza?

Yeah?

I want you to get your wrecking ball and smash it.

I want nothing left but itsy-bitsy splinters.

Don't worry, Willoughby. I shall be perfectly polite... But firm.

What do you mean, "send you over a permit"?

I don't get one 'til tomorrow morning.

Yeah, but, Mr. Hawk, I...

Loostgarten!

The job has gotta be done tonight!

Take it or leave it! (HANGS UP)

Millicent, my dear, will you put a check in the mail to Loostgarten?

That's Loostgarten Wrecking Company, uh, a thousand on account.

Tonight he's gonna smash that crummy firehouse to matchwood.

(MUFFLED MUTTERING)

(CHUCKLING) That'll teach that old battle ax a lesson.

(SPUTTERING, COUGHING)

No, no, Grandma, he won't like that.

MRS. STEINMETZ: I don't care what he doesn't like!

Knock down my home, will he?

Oh, no! Uncle Alonzo, I don't believe you've met Mrs. Steinmetz.

How do you do?

(SPUTTERING)

Don't worry, Uncle. Everything's under control!

Yeah, just dandy!

Now you've done it, Mr. Hawk! You've made Herbie very angry!

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

HAWK: No! No! Get out! Get out! Get out!

No! No! No! Go away!

No! Herbie! Stop!

Ooh! Wrong way!

Stay away from me!

Somebody come in here and stop this thing!

Don't you think we ought to see what all those noises are?

When Mr. Hawk says he doesn't want to be disturbed, that's it.

(GROANING)

(SCREECHING)

Herbie.

Uncle?

Now's a good time to explain. Uh...

You! (SPUTTERING)

Help!

Herbie, stop it!

Will you be going out for a while, Mr. Hawk?

Herbie!

Gotta get away from that thing.

Good morning, Miss Millicent. Good morning.

Mrs. Steinmetz?

I told you Mr. Hawk was busy.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(COOING)

Aw, shut up! And get off my building!

There must be some way to make this car behave.

I don't like to threaten Herbie. He has been trying to help us.

But there's one thing Herbie is afraid of.

(GASPING)

Whoa!

Now stop, Herbie. Don't make me do it.

Please, do it, Grandma.

Very well, Herbie.

It so happens that I know this nice used car lot.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

I'd certainly hate to call Mr. Honest Al, the used car man.

(QUIETLY) Of course, you know I never would do it.

And between you and me, I don't think Herbie believes I would either.

But it always works.

(SIGHING) What a lovely morning.

I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Did we get the name of the gentleman who thinks he's going to knock down my firehouse?

Hmm. It was Loostgarten, of the Loostgarten Wrecking Company.

I'm going to write that down. We're going to need it.

Well, thanks anyway for trying Millie. Bye.

Millie's one of the stews who works for Hawk's airline.

She can't find his address either.

May I say something?

No, I'm still mad at you for not taking care of Grandma.

If we can't find out where he lives, my idea won't work.

NICOLE: We'll just have to think of something else.

WILLOUGHBY: I am going to say something.

I've sent Uncle Alonzo a card every Christmas since I was seven years old, and here's his address.

Willoughby, oh! You're wonderful!

(PHONE RINGING)

Right.

Loostgarten speaking.

This is Alonzo Hawk.

Right, Mr. Hawk.

Loostgarten, there's been a slight change of plan.

I don't want you to knock down that firehouse tonight.

Instead I want you to knock down 343 Oleander Heights.

You got that? 343 Oleander Heights!

Right.

Write it down!

(IMITATING HAWK) I don't want to see you blackballed in the wrecking ball business, If you get what I mean! (CHUCKLING)

You were wonderful!

Oh!

Yes... I know it's 3:00 in the morning, but I can't sleep.

Well, you're my doctor, aren't ya?

Sometimes the old-fashioned remedies seem to work best, Mr. Hawk.

Have you ever tried counting sheep?

Sheep!

Picture in your mind's eye a grassy green meadow, a whitewashed, three-rail fence, a flock of sweet little sheep.

They begin to jump over the fence. One sheep...

Six sheep, seven sheep, eight sheep, nine sheep, ten... (SNORING)

(BRAYING)

(SNORING)

(SNORING, GROANING)

(DOG WHINING)

(DOGS HOWLING, WHINING)

(DOGS CONTINUE WHINING)

(DRUMS BEATING)

(DRUMS BEATING)

(GROWLING)

(GROWLING)

(GROWLING, SCREAMING)

(GROANING)

(PHONE RINGING)

Yeah, what is it?

Sorry to disturb ya at this time of night, Mr. Hawk.

But a guy in my job can't afford to make mistakes.

What are you talking about?

That address you gave me on the phone.

What about it?

343 Oleander Heights.

Are you sure that's the right address?

Of course I'm sure, you idiot.

I know it as well as I know my own address.

Wait a minute. It is my own address!

(RUMBLING)

(WHIRRING)

(COUGHING)

Loostgarten! No! Not this! This is my house!

You dumb jerk!

Loostgarten! This time you're really through. Help!

You...

MRS. STEINMETZ: We beat him!

I knew he'd cave in. He just couldn't stand the heat.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello? Oh, good morning, Mr. Hawk.

Well, now that it's all over, I just had to phone you and tell you how much I admire the plucky fight you put up for that sweet little firehouse.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Hawk.

Well, what brought about my change of heart was an accident to my own little house.

It only brought home to me how terrible it is to lose something you really love.

What happened, Mr. Hawk?

Well, a very confused man came along and knocked down the whole side of it, smashed it to rubble. (CHUCKLING)

Someone knocked down Mr. Hawk's house.

Aw, what a rotten shame.

HAWK'. But it...

It did serve a purpose.

It made me realize I can't knock down any more of San Francisco's beautiful old buildings.

So I don't want you to worry that sweet, little, gray head of yours about it.

Is that clear?

Yes, Mr. Hawk. Thank you, Mr. Hawk.

All right, Mrs. Steinmetz, and I'll drop by one of these days and have a cup of tea with you.

Bye.

I always said you'd do the finer thing, Mr. Hawk.

What are you talking about, fathead?

Giving up Hawk Plaza.

Are you fooled by this phony story?

But, Mr. Hawk, you can't go back on this.

Oh yes, I can! I can say I was misquoted!

I can say they printed the story purposefully to discredit me in the eyes of the public.

Well, it's an old gag! It's out of my bag of tricks.

You mean we're still going after the old lady?

Right for the jugular vein, baby, right for the old jugular.

I wish Grandma would hurry up and get here.

Can't start a celebration party without her.

It gives us a chance to have a quiet talk. We never had one before.

Something always happened. Uh, oh, thank you.

Nicole, there's something I've been wanting to say.

What's that, Willoughby?

Did I ever tell you that my great-grandfather Whitfield was one of the first men to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel?

Oh, well, was he all right afterward?

I don't know. They never found him.

I think I'll Call Grandma.

The giant lobster is very good tonight, sir.

Of course, no lobster.

I did mean to call, dear. But I was just sitting here thinking to myself what a fine time those two young people must be having without me in the way.

Now listen, Grandma, I love you very much, but I've had enough of your matchmaking.

Now you get over here like you promised.

If I do marry Willoughby, I'd like the satisfaction of nailing him myself.

Do go ahead without me, dear. I think I'll just have a quiet evening at home.

(YAWNING) Good-bye, dear.

Now, do go on with your wonderful story about the cows, Mr. Judson.

I swear I never seen a handsome woman like yourself who had so much an interest in cows.

That's quite natural, Mr. Judson.

After all, a cow is not only useful, but an extremely decorative animal.

Ain't it just!

(RUMBLING)

As I was saying, I got this nice little 200-acre spread up in Oregon.

What in tarnation you doin' that for?

I'm not quite sure. I think I saw this once in a movie.


(DINGING)

Oh, no!

Just let me get my hands on the brute responsible for this.

Now. Horse whipping's too good for him.

(MACHINERY WHIRRING)

What on Earth?

It's Mr. Hawk!

(REVVING)

Herbie! Don't you dare!

Oh! Every man for himself!

Herbie must have gone for help.

Hope he makes it through to the fort. We must be cut off.

Okay, Steinmetz! We know you're in there.

We've got you surrounded.

We'll give you 10 minutes to get your stuff together and get out before I grind this dump to powder!

Now you hold on there, Mister!

This little lady's under my personal protection and she stays here!

Ten minutes, Steinmetz!

Uh, to get back to my great-grandfather at Niagara Falls, I don't think I put it quite right. What I wanted to say was, though we Whitfield men look like rabbits, we have always liked challenge, the scent of danger in our nostrils, the high road to adventure.

Yes, Willoughby?

That's why I want to go on seeing you.

Not to deprecate your physical attributes, certainly, but because there is this feeling of danger about you, of something about to happen.

(HONKING)

NICOLE: You're right, Willoughby!

(REVVING, SCREECHING, HONKING)

(HONKING)

Looks like we've just picked up a friend.

(HONKING)

(HONKING)

HAWK: Three minutes to go, Steinmetz!

This is your last chance!

JUDSON: Make your play, Hawk.

We're standin' pat.

I think Captain Steinmetz would have liked you, Mr. Judson.

You're his kind of man.

Thank you, ma'am.

(HONKING)

Hey!

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)


HAWK: Attention! One minute to zero!

Gentlemen, start your engines.

(ENGINES STARTING)

Here come the hostiles. We're ready for 'em.

(GLASS BREAKING)

I think Captain Steinmetz would have liked you to wear this.

Why, I'd be proud to, little lady.

Mighty proud.

Power shovel number one, ready?

Ready, Mr. Hawk.

Full speed ahead! Go!

Fire.

Hey. Hey!

(LAUGHING)

Stop! Help!

Cease fire!

Good shooting, Mr. Judson.

Thank you. That one won't bother us for a while.

Hurry! Move in with the crawler!

All right, Mr. Hawk!

Fire!

Please, stop it! No!

(LAUGHING) Ceasefire.

There goes another one. We got the devils on the run. Fire!

(GROANING) Oh, no!

(LAUGHING)

(GRUNTING)

Are you all right?

Don't worry about me, ma'am. What we gotta worry about, we're plumb outta ammunition.

This time we all go in together!

We got nothin' to regret, little lady.

We done our best.

Ready!

(CAR HORNS HONKING)

Drive! Drive! Let's get goin'! Get outta here!


Hi, Grandma! Hi, there!

Why, that rascal! She's got a man with her.

No wonder she wouldn't come to our party.

Faster! Faster! Faster!

Wait a minute! Back!

Why don't ya look where you're goin'?

How dare you raise your voice to me, you myopic oaf.

Hey! What do you think you're... Whoa!

(MUTTERING)

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

All right, Herbie. That's enough now.

You think you're gonna make him stop? Fat chance.

Herbie, if you don't stop, you won't be invited to the wedding.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(SIREN WAILING)

Ah, it's you again, Mr. Hawk.

Save me! Save me! They're after me! They're after me!

Who's after you?

Those little cars... Hundreds of 'em!

Can't you see them, you idiot?

Mr. Hawk, I wonder, would you mind coming down to my place of business?

I would be happy to. I would... Ooh! Ooh!

Ooh! Ooh!

And what happened then?

Willoughby told Herbie that if he didn't stop, he wouldn't be invited to the wedding.

Wait a minute. What wedding?

(DINGING)

(WEDDING MARCH PLAYING)

(BELLS RINGING)

(CHILDREN LAUGHING)