Hi, Mom! (1970) Script

Uh, excuse me, sir. Sir?

Sir, are you the janitor of this building?

Don't ever come up on anybody like that!

I'm sorry. Do you have the apartment 5F? This is 148 Suffolk Street, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can I look at the apartment, please?

What do you want to do? I'd like to see it.

I don't know how, how... you know, if I want it, but I'd like to see it.

Well, you know it ain't furnished.

Ah! A little nail up there would fix it.

I leave these lights on because I had about 12 guys up here the other day.

First of all, you got a shelf up here.

You can put everything up here. And you got your water.

And you got a combination bath-tub and dishwasher here.

And you can just, uh...

Oh, what's that? That's, uh...

Can someone take that out? Yeah, well, you can take it out.

Here, you got a great view, you know?

And only one flight up and you got the sky.

Now over here, this is my pride and joy.

This is an oven that's kept here, right?

And you open it here... It's broken.

You take it as is, right? Or you don't take it at all.

How much did you say this place rents for?

75 a month. 75?

Yeah. I didn't know it had this much furniture in here.

Well, yeah, but...

How much is it, then? 66.75.

66...? It says in the paper...

I know what it says, 45 dollars. I didn't know this furniture was in here.

And the mattresses go with it. You know?

And over here...

You don't need to look out there, because there's the view, right there.

I'll take it. OK.

♪ Here I am, I'm back again

♪ Recording all my dreams

♪ Peeping through my window

♪ Seeing life on little screens

♪ Oh, I know just what to do

♪ And I owe it all to you

♪ Hang around, don't make a sound

♪ Till someone lifts their shades

♪ And I applauded and sought to record

♪ Schemes on little screens

♪ And I know just what to do

♪ Yes, I owe it all to you

♪ I met a man in film land

♪ A patron of the arts

♪ Who bought my scheme to turn a dream

♪ Into a peeping art

♪ So one day soon if you're told to smile

♪ While soaking in the bath

♪ Just stand up tall against the wall

♪ And face my cameras bare

♪ Now one day soon if all goes well

♪ And I prepare my schemes

♪ You'll see my dreams on the movie screens

♪ In a peeping art review

♪ And there's nothing else to do

♪ No, there's nothing else to do

♪ But say, "Hi... mom" to you! ♪

'Pick up on that one, Mama!'

Will you shut that door?

Christ, leave the coffee and corned beef on the table.

What the hell...? I don't want any magazines, kid!

Do you mind? Look what you're disturbing here!

Think you're in your own house? I'm sorry.

Look at that. Is that gorgeous?

See that cleavage?

You don't get that in a Fellini film. You get that in a Banner film!

Now, this is your public, understand?

These guys come from every walk of life, middle-class, rich, poor...

Don't pay any attention. I shouldn't even tell you what goes on in there.

You come into one of these theatres, you do not go into the men's room.

You understand? You got that straight? That's one of the laws...

Is that art?

What's going on in there? Don't pay any attention.

Go on! Get out of here!

A pervert. Leave him alone. Who knows where he's been?

She looks inhibited, right? Huh?

You know why? She hasn't had the right direction.

She has not been told who she is in this film.

That girl does not want to screw anybody, she wants to screw the man of her life.

So who do they put her in with? Some weirdo with gold hair!

That's funny, huh?

What's gonna happen when her mother sees that picture?

Kids should grow up with a feeling of beauty about their bodies, right?

My six-year-old boy walks around with a towel around him all the time.

Why is that, huh? I don't see my daughter do... doing that.

Hey. That's all right. He means well.

This man is obviously somebody who needs a movie, but not this movie.

If it were this movie, he wouldn't be putting his hands on my balls.

You wanna make a film for me, you gotta have a property. This is real estate!

Is this gonna sell movies? Yes.

This is gonna sell movies, a tall building? That's a phallic symbol. I know that.

No, it's not. Are you trying to teach me something?

Listen, I used to watch Superman when I was a little kid, too.

You're not gonna teach me anything new.

The reason I've come to see you is I know that you're a good producer...

Take a look at that top floor. Who took this picture?

I took these pictures. You know what you got there?

The top floor is an old woman... Old woman? Have your eyes checked!

Look what he's showing me! You got the right idea. You like titties, right?

Yeah. You'd buy this before that picture.

I'll show you something. Go on, see if you can make a sale.

These are four windows... Gorgeous, isn't it?

You could really jerk off to that, huh? Wait a minute...

You could put your thing right through the window!

These are the most interesting windows. There are 270 windows.

I'm taking your word for that? Yes. I have this telescope here.

See? And I get this telescope and I get the activities of all these secretaries, the revolutionary, the young hippies, this playboy, and up there you got a housewife.

How do you know they live there? How? I've been watching them!

I have all the photographs, the 8mm film, then I've got this telescope and I do this.

And you set it up here and, you know, it's what I call peep art.

I think it's fantastic because you get all these private moments, all these people together, and they don't know they're being watched.

It's not like those photographs in that bookstore.

These are real activities. People alone...

You stupid? You think people don't know when they're being watched?

No, they don't know! I don't know you're watching me now?

The only compromise in this is when someone pulls the blinds.

Why don't you look? Just look on the 16th floor.

You think people don't know when they're being watched?

Mr. Banner, can I just? Don't "Mr. Banner" me. Call me Joe.

Look in that window.

Oh, there she is. Look, look, look. Just watch.

Can you see her? Hey, hey!

I see a very funny broad with a red towel, right?

Right, right. You like it. I'm glad you like it.

What's your name? Jon, right? Jon, right.

"Confessions of a Peeping Jon." Oh, well, that's... OK.

That's what? Are you patronizing me? No. Will you give me the money?

You putting up with me? I'm putting up with you!

You don't have to put up with me! I'm not!

Just give me the money and I'll do it. I'm scared of heights. I'm nervous here!

You need a lens. I like the idea, it's a good idea.

It's a good idea, kid. Too bad you don't have a lens. You need a lens!

You'll work with that piece of crap? What are you doing?

I'm waiting for her to take off... I can see her from here better!

I know I need a lens...

These are $12 prescription glasses. I can see probably clearer... Look at that!

I have no trouble seeing her.

I'll get you a lens. Go down to Harry, he'll send you to ABC Camera.

You get the lens, you get the works. You better deliver!

I will. I promise. I'll...

You sit in your bath-tub and you'll be able to take pictures.

Oh, Mr. Banner, that's fantastic. Can I shake your hand?

When you get to know me better. Right now, it's strictly business.

Oh, that's great, Mr. Banner. How much money can you give me?

Don't worry about it. What do you need? I'd like to have $2,000.

$2,000, all right. So I'll give you about $2,000.

You'll really give me $2,000? I'm gonna give you $2,000.

You'll really give me $2,000? I'm a schmuck, I know. I trust you, kid.

I know, I know, I gotta good heart.

You remind me of... What's the difference who you remind me of?

He was killed in the war, anyway. He was a good kid.

I was gonna teach him the business.

What business was that?

Are you trying to make fun of me? No, sorry, I'm not...

I'm taking you in off the street and you're making fun of me?

My cousin Marshall would've had this job.

Would've had the opportunity that you're gonna have!

Mr. Banner, I'm very sorry. I'd like to shake your hand.

Can I expect a check from you? Just tell Harry to send the bills to me.

And what you're actually doing, you're setting the camera motor on, and you can take pictures of yourself, that's right.

You just push this button. Like this?

And as far as the sound is concerned, this sound is recorded on this microphone right here.

Does it have a zoom?

Yes, I'll show you how to operate the zoom.

You just twist this like so, and your subject will come closer and closer and closer.

Yeah, I see. I can do that.

Isn't that great? Yes.

Are you familiar with the exposure? No, I don't know anything about it.

You see this ring around the center? Yeah, right here?

You just turn that slowly, and slowly, and the camera will automatically set the proper exposure.

What's exposure? That's right...

The correct lightness and darkness of the picture.

I see, the light and the dark. You see how that works?

You wanna try the zoom now? Yeah.

OK. Let's zoom across the room, right over there.

You see the gentleman over there? I'll take that man's picture.

Getting him right in the picture. But it's all out of focus now.

We'll fix that. You get sound just like Hollywood.


♪ I'm looking at you

♪ My eyes can't see

♪ The things I'm thinking

♪ From far away

♪ I dream about you

♪ Both night and day

♪ I'm looking at you

♪ From far away

♪ And I reach out for you

♪ But you drift away

♪ And I say I love you

♪ But you won't say

♪ And I wake up lonely

♪ And that's how I pay

♪ For looking at you

♪ From far away

♪ When I get lonely

♪ I'll drop around

♪ And I'll say I love you

♪ And there'll be no sound

♪ That's how the game goes

♪ And that's how I pay

♪ For looking at you

♪ From far away

♪ For looking at you

♪ From far away

♪ For looking at you... ♪ Who's there?

Er... Jon Rubin.

Jon Rubin? Yes, Jon Rubin. Hi.

How are you? I'm your computer date.

Computer date? Yes, ABC Computer Dating.

Nice to meet you.

I never ordered a computer date. Somebody who looks like you did.

In fact, you look much better than your photograph.

As a matter of fact, you're quite a knockout!

Well, I think we have 15 minutes, so you should...

Do you know my name? Of course. Joanne Large.

Judy. Judy Bishop.

Oh, Judy Bishop? Very funny, you've got a very good sense of humor.

As a matter of fact, I punched that in. I'm very glad.

Let's get going, because we don't have much time.

Well, I think there must be some mistake.

Hello, is this ABC Computer Dating?

Yes, my name is Jon Rubin and there seems to be some mistake here.

I'm at the apartment of a Judy Bishop, 505 LaGuardia Place.

Er...

A Judy Bishop, 505 LaGuardia... LaGuardia Place.

And er... er... it seems that there's some mistake, because I have come here under the assumption that we were to have a date tonight and it seems that Miss Bishop knows nothing about it.

And so I would like to find out what's happening here.

I have tickets for Cinema Sociables, dining and dancing. I have a cab outside.

It seems that there's nothing here now and I'm quite upset about it.

I seem to be feeling quite degraded. Could you please tell me what the story is?

There seems to be some mistake? There is a mistake!

It's 505 LaGuardia Place in the Bronx?

Well, I... You should be sorry. You should absolutely be sorry.

What?

I'm afraid I'll just have to report it to the Better Business Bureau, yes.

Well, the least you can do is send my three dollars back.

You know my address?

That's right. Goodbye.

What's that? Oh, nothing, nothing.

Well, I spoke to them and they said there must've been some mistake.

The LaGuardia Place I was told to go to is in the Bronx, so I feel terrible.

What a shame. Yes, I feel quite a fool. I feel terrible.

Don't be silly. Well, I do.

I feel I've degraded myself and embarrassed you, and I really, really feel very bad.

I'm quite sorry, and now I have these tickets and I can't do anything with them.

I can't get my money back because they're non-returnable, so...

And I can't call anyone... There must be somebody.

I'd feel kind of silly just calling a girl now...

Some girl in New York City who's free tonight.

Oh... Ah!

Yeah, I just don't know. I guess the only thing to do...

Oh, don't be silly! No.

Well...

I don't know. I just can't call a girl now.

There must be someone.

Oh, listen, er...

I don't want to be rude or, you know, crass or vulgar or impolite.

I wouldn't want that. I've embarrassed you enough, but I was just thinking... perhaps, er... perhaps, uh...

...you'd like to come? Yes.

You would? Yeah. Oh!

I actually... I had a date, but I cancelled... I cancelled it, because it, uh... it snowed.

Oh. Oh.

You'd go? Yeah.

Fantastic! Come on, let's go.

Oh, wow! What a beautiful movie.

It's so personal to me, that... that child woman.

At times, she's a little girl, terrified by the brutality and ugliness of reality.

And she has to talk in rhyme to preserve her fantasy world.

And then, at times... the woman, the sexual, driven, passionate woman bursts forth like a ripe fruit.

So much wanting, and then that frightens her, and she has to go back into the little girl again and...

...talk in rhyme.

Yeah. You know...

...tragedy is a... it's a funny thing.

Oh, wow! It certainly is.

It just breaks my heart.

I think I understand this movie really well because...

...I had a personal experience. Oh?

I was going with Danny in high school, and... we were at Jim Thorpe High.

And Danny and I were really close, except there wasn't any magic.

You know what I mean? We weren't really...

And we went to this party together and...

Well, this person was there.

He was the high-school heartthrob, everybody was crazy about him.

I never thought he'd look at me or he'd pay any attention to me, and suddenly, out of the blue, he began talking to me.

Then he began dancing with me and, well, we were communicating.

We were talking about things I'd never talked to anyone about before.

We were really close. He said to me, "Would you leave with me?

"We're two special people and we should leave together," he said.

And I said yes, because it was so special.

Well, we got into his car and we drove to the quarry.

And it was a very beautiful night and...

Well, I had all these feelings inside of me that I'd never had for anyone before and...

Well...

...I gave myself to him completely.

Oh, you did?

And, uh, it was very beautiful, I... I thought.

Yeah.

And when it was over...

...I said to him, and it wasn't because I wanted to get engaged or I wanted him to pin me or I wanted to go steady, it was because I had for him the biggest feeling I'd ever had for anyone in my life.

Ever. And I said to him, "I love you."

And I looked in his face, and he had the most sick, ugly, peculiar grin on his face.

He was laughing at me.

Do you mind if I put my hand here? No.

Well, as you can imagine, everything inside me went cold.

I became inwardly hysterical.

And I looked up at him and in my nakedness, I...

You may not believe this. I said to him...

"Roger, Roger, look at me.

"Roger, Roger, what do you see?"

That reminds me of something that happened to me.

I was coming home. I was living with a girl, Barbara, a few years ago and...

It was her birthday and I came home and I had presents and a cake and candles and all kinds of confetti and crêpe paper, and I was rushing up the stairs, ecstatic.

I opened the door very quietly and crept in. I heard the shower running.

Well, I opened the door to the bathroom...

...and I hear some voices.

And all of the sudden, I open the shower curtain and... there she is with another person.

They were... they were naked.

And the funny thing about it was that he had this kind of laugh, this kind of evil grin, and it really threw me and I naturally ran out of the place in a state of shock.

I didn't know what to do, but, you know...

Come to think of it, his name was Roger because I was introduced to him before.

Roger?

Did you say this Roger was from Jim Thorpe, PA? Jim Thorpe, PA?

What was his last name? Parks. Roger Parks.

Roger Parks? Uh-huh.

Well, I'll be damned. That's the same Roger Parks in the shower with Barbara!

You know that? That same son of a bitch was in the shower with Barbara!

That goddamn...

Son of a bastard! Oh, oh!

Oh, look what I've done! I'm sorry.

Oh! Are you all right? In a moment of passion, I got excited.

I'm sorry. I acted like a fool and I've ruined the pizza. I'm sorry.

Please forgive me. It's just that... Poor you!

Oh, you poor thing! That's terrible. We were both victimized by that brute.

That, that, that...! Oh, oh!

Oh, I get so... Oh, I'm s...

I get so... I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Forgive me. Please forgive me. You poor thing.

You poor thing.

Be gentle with me. Oh, I will, Judy, but not now.

We've both had a very exhausting evening and we're both drained.

Well, when? Well, er...

As I said, we're both very drained and we've had quite an unusual experience, a wonderful experience.

I'm a person of the weather, and tomorrow the forecast is not too good.

It's going to be cloudy and rainy all day, but Sunday will be sunny and beautiful.

That's the day we should get together and rendezvous.


This is a wonderful view from the living room and bedroom windows.

How many people in New York can look out the window and see this much space?

Usually they're just looking into the side of another building or into somebody else's window.

This is the housing project across the street.

It's not nearly as nice as the one we live in.

This is our housing project. See?

I don't like that one at all.

This one is really pretty. It's really modern.

The cement blocks all one color.

We live on the sixth floor, not counting the big windows on the bottom.

Go up one, two, three, four, five, six.

And over to the... Let's see.

Second... Second and third window, that's right. Let's see, now.

This is my elevator. It's an automatic elevator, so we don't need a doorman.

Oh! Hi, Gerrit. Hello, Mrs. Mitchell.

This is a neighbor of mine who lives upstairs.

Can you hold the door because I'm trying to take a...? Thank you.

What are you putting up there?

It's a poster. I think I'll come in and ride with you.

Are you allowed to put things up in an elevator like that?

I don't know. What is that? Is that a naked girl?

Yeah. My goodness!

Is it an advertisement for something? Yeah.

What?

A play. I'm trying out my new movie camera.

Gerrit is a student. Which school? NYU.

Are you in the play? Uh-huh.

Oh, are you really? I guess that's why you grew a beard.

A lot of actors have beards, don't they?

Are you gonna leave that there? We'll have to come see it.


♪ You're walking down the street and everyone you meet

♪ Is gonna step to the side and stare

♪ Cos you're feeling good and you know you should

♪ Cos there's black pride everywhere

♪ You want to shout and sing, Come on and do your thing

♪ Oh!

♪ Be black, baby, be black, oh!

♪ Be black, baby, be black...

Why can't you learn to be part of it? I'm not black.

Now you can find out what it's like to be black!

You have a kind of face that looks like... No, I'm busy.

You don't want to know what it's like to be black in America?

I'm busy. You're very busy?

Do you have black people in your neighborhood?

Excuse me, sir, do you know what it's like to be black in America?

Yes. You do?

Would it interest you to learn more about how it is to be black in this society?

To go through the experience?

I don't know what are you talking about?

Excuse me, sir. Do you know what it's like to be black in America?

♪ Now phony Tony here has got a long-time fear

♪ Thinks he's right cos he's acting white... ♪ Black people have been imitating white people for so long, they know how to act like you.

What's your problem? Why can't you go through the black experience?

I don't have any problem. I don't care if you're green, blue, whatever.

We know that. We understand that. That's an admirable attitude.

Ever thought what it's like to be a black woman?

She doesn't look black.

It's understanding it from the inside, as opposed to the outside.

Saying I live next door to somebody just says you're a liberal.

I'm not a liberal, I'm a radical. That's hip.

You're not talking to a white liberal walking round the Village.

We have been on many marches in Harlem. We've done lots of things.

We haven't been born today.

All of intellectual white America has been on marches...

How do you expect to be where you are now if we don't help you?

We know why we're here. You helped us stay there!

You have an obligation to someone as a human.

I understand that. It's not attending marches and lectures.

We write letters to the president. Just what is it you want from us?

Come and see our show, Be Black Baby. The black experience.

We know all about this. It's nothing new.

Ever been through the black experience? We know black people.

We've been through all this. This is about what you live, lady!

But I know all about... You can't intellectualize it.

I'm not intellectualizing it. That's what you said.

...we say hello to them just like anybody else.

There are now scholarships. If you want to take advantage of the situation now...

You gotta kiss somebody's ass. Oh, come on!

A large part of your clients are black, aren't they?

Yes.

Can I ask you if you ever feel guilty, if your conscience ever bothers you?

Never at all, my friend.

Do you know what I'm talking about? I think I have a good idea.

I'll tell you what I'm talking about, man.

You got stuff in this store that is the shoddiest merchandise I've ever seen.

You have committed your life, you have made it your life's work, to suck in the poorest people in this town and sell them the shoddiest trash I've ever seen for the most blown-up, exorbitant prices I could ever have expected to see anywhere!

You are a pillar in the system that is oppressing the black people and all the poor people in the world no matter what color they are, man!

Do you realize that? Are you aware of that at all?

I'm aware of everything, but I'm surprised you talk this way.

Do you know what we sell over here?

They're incredibly over... We are the cheapest...

Anyone... We defy anyone to undersell our prices. We give everything away!

Yeah, but you're being a tool, mister! I'm being used? For what price?

You're being used to suck in people. You got the wrong impression.

You tell people to buy this garbage, mister!

I tell people to buy this garbage? You know why? Because I'm being paid!

You tell black people to buy this garbage!

Nobody's twisting their arm!

Nobody's twisting you to stand out here! I'm doing it for a price, man!

You've sold yourself, right, mister? I ain't sold myself!

You're telling people to buy this garbage! That's your opinion!

That's what it is! Take a look at it! Then have me arrested!

No, I want to appeal to you. Why do you want to appeal to me?

Because you're a black man. You're damn right!

♪ Be black, baby, be black! Oh! Ooh, ooh! ♪

"There's just nothing you can do. There's nothing you can do!"

I'll start crying there, I'll give myself three minutes just to make sure the crying and everything builds up.

If that doesn't get her, I don't know what will.

If she doesn't say, "Jon, is there anything I can do? Please, Jon, take me now..."

And I'll say, "Oh, Estelle, I mean Judy!"

She'll say, "No, Jon, say whatever's in your heart. If it's Estelle, it's Estelle.

"I know that, sooner or later, you'll love me and everything will be fine."

That ought to take about two more minutes.

And, "Oh, Jon, take me!"

I'll get her up against the ledge here, then I'll kiss her a few times and start undoing her blouse.

Make sure she's facing the camera.

It'll be a little awkward, but I'll get her there. Let's see...

That oughta... Yeah, that's 26 and a half minutes.

26 and a half minutes. It's now 9:57. I have to be there at ten o'clock.

It's 9.57 plus 20 seconds. That gives me 40 seconds.

39, 38, 37, 36, 35, 34, 33, 32...


...eleven, ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one...

Well, coat. Coat.

Er... I guess you want to know why I have two watches here.

The left watch, which was my uncle's, runs correctly, and my watch, this one on the right here...

Can I explain this to you? ...happens to be about five minutes off.

So I keep looking at it because I'm trying to check it. I paid $30 to have it fixed.

Er... what's for breakfast? Me!

Very funny. What's for breakfast, seriously? Huh?

I'd like a four-minute egg. Not sooner or faster. A four-minute egg.

Come on, forget about breakfast. I bet you cook just like my mother.

Mother? You want a mother figure?

I bet you make a four-minute egg... My mother made fantastic four-minute eggs.

My mother made me go to dancing school and I met a girl named Estelle there.

Estelle was the only girl who would dance with me.

Sometimes Estelle and I would be alone in the country.

Once we were on a rock and we made love... Know what happened?

Make love to me, sweetie! Well, something happened to...

She was... Estelle was killed.

Estelle was killed. We were on a...

We were driving along and, er...

...all of a sudden, the car turned over and rolled over 23 times.

Come on! I walked out without a scratch.

Estelle was damaged beyond repair, and then the car burst into flames.

She was burnt to a crisp. Why are you telling me this?

Well, I just want to tell you I'm a very sensitive person and I can't just jump into bed with you like this!

But I fell in love with you. Come on!

I love you, too, but it's just that, uh...

You know, and then Estelle and I went to, uh...

Well... Please!

I feel very badly about Estelle now and, er...

This was a few years ago. This is not the time!

Now I see a psychiatrist about five times a week and he told me that...

...he told me that I can't have sex except under certain conditions.

He said that it's a matter of time, it's a matter of time.

I have to get to know somebody first. I'll be gentle. I'll be gentle.

I have to get to know you. Would you do me a favor and wait about 25 minutes?

Wait? Why? I can't explain it. It's difficult.

It's difficult. I can't explain it!

Oh, let me comfort you, sweetie.

If you could only wait a few minutes.

Just a few. Here, lie down.

OK, wait. I have to get to know you first. Right.

Lie down. It's not proper.

I don't jump into bed with every girl I see. I like you.

I don't go round saying how much I like people unless I really like them.

Right. So, can you wait a few minutes?

Sure. Good, good.

I forgot to tell you something else, too.

I, uh... I don't have any, uh...

Are you protected? Oh, to hell with that!

Yes, sir? I'd like prophylactics or contraceptives.

Which would you like, a prophylactic or a contraceptive?

I just want... What's for a man, a man?

Well, I mean, it depends on what your situation is.

Well, what's the best thing you have for right now?

For a man or a woman, what would be the best thing?

For right now? Yeah.

This minute? Well, not this... you know...

Just a minute, I've got... Something might happen. I just...

Now, uh...

These are prophylactics, Trojan, you see.

These are quite fine quality. I have them either in unlubricated or lubricated.

Which is better? It depends on what you like.

I'll demonstrate one for you.

Now, you see this is unlubricated. Yeah. I see, yeah.

Is it strong, the rubber? Oh, very good.

It really... It really is very... It's very strong, it's...

No holes or anything. You can see through it.

It's very thin and for sensitivity.

Oh, and now for your wife, sir.

This just came to us from Copenhagen. This is a personal vibrator. You see?

It comes in three colors, pink, light blue or natural.

Now, the batteries are in here. They're included in the price.

This is for a woman...? Marvelous.

Yes, a massage of the... as you see on the box. You see?

Oh. For those hard-to-get-at places.

That's good. Here. This is Vagabond Lotion.

Smell that.

Isn't that marvelous? Smells a little strange.

Vagabond has no bitter-tasting chemicals, so, once you apply it, the alcohol evaporates very quickly and, er...

Leaving a sweet residue on the skin. Oh, I see.

"Suddenly, you're delicious!"

♪ So one day soon, if you're told to smile

♪ While soaking in the bath

♪ Just stand up tall against the wall

♪ And face my cameras bare

♪ Now one day soon, if all goes well

♪ And I prepare my schemes

♪ You'll see my dreams on the movie screens

♪ In a peeping art review

♪ And there's nothing else to do

♪ No, there's nothing else to do

♪ But say "Hi... Mom" to you! ♪

'Pick up on that one, Mama!'

I computed the time on my watch to 26 and a half minutes it would take to seduce her.

26 and a half? Yeah, 26 and a half minutes.

I set the camera on to the clock radio and I had this red light bulb blinking on and off when the camera was on, and I could see it from her apartment, and so as you'll see now...

This is the preliminary stuff. She's cute.

Yeah, yeah. Is she a pro?

Well, I think she is, as a matter of fact, but she's really great.

What happens now is we go down for a few minutes, as you see here.

You build up the ecstasy. I rip her clothes off. It's fantastic!

Great stuff. Should be up any second now. Just take a second.

Hmm, that's, uh... Coming up soon, right?

Yeah, just, well...

What's going on? Where the hell are you?

What the hell are you doing? That's a $500 projector!

What the hell is that?

Are you some kind of genital freak? Is that what I spent money for?

That's my Golden Fig Leaf Award, right?

From Anchorage, Alaska! How many do you think they give out?

You dropped your sunglasses. I'll drop 'em again.

Get out of here, you phony!

♪ Oh, be black, baby, be black

♪ Oh, be black, baby, be black...

♪ Be black, baby

♪ Be black

♪ Be black, baby

♪ Be black

♪ Be black, baby

♪ Be black

♪ You're walking down the street and everyone you meet

♪ Is gonna step to the side and stare

♪ Cos you're feeling good and you know you should

♪ Cos there's black pride everywhere

♪ You'll want to shout and sing, Come on and do your thing

♪ Be black, baby, be black, oh! Ooh, ooh!

♪ Be black, baby, be black... ♪

Ah, excuse me! Excuse me!

Is this, uh... Are you casting for that Be Black thing, for the police officer?

Be Black Baby, that's right. Well, I'd like to try for it.

You don't look much like a cop to me. Yeah, you look kind of humble to me.

Well, I don't know, man.

If you got pig in you, we'll get it out of you.

Come on in. Door's over there. OK.

Hold up.

We're gonna have to run through a trial run to test your pig potential.

I'm willing to do whatever you want. I can do anything.

Whatever you want to do, I'm willing.

Cos I think I can play a cop, I know I can.

Open that goddamn door! We ain't gonna have any perverts here!

What did you say?

Huh? What did you say? Is that a friend of yours?

What are you protesting? Let me see your permit.

You don't need a permit? What's that? Against the war in Vietnam?

Ever been in Vietnam? I have and I know what it's like.

You know, huh? What are you, two years old? You been in the army?

What? What did you say, young lady? Make love, not war? I make love very well.

What do you know about love and what do you know about war?

Why, you need a good slap in the face!

You're not even wearing a goddamn brassiere, you little slut. Goddamn bitch!

What did you say? What are you gonna do about it?

I happen to know you don't have a permit, so I'm gonna tell you something.

Did you touch my bat? You touched my bat?


Listen, people. We want to take you through the black experience.

You all know that being black means being loose.

Being what? Being black means being loose.

That's part of our history.

We want to kind of loosen you up for the experience we're gonna take you through.

OK, now feel down the arms to the hands slowly, you know...

Not rush anything.

Just to the hands.

Keep your eyes closed. Feel anything? Are you aware of any differences?

He's got a scar.

Carolyn's wearing a ring. Sorry.

Then to the neck and then to the hair.

Feel any differences now? Don't move your head! Feel the hair.

So this is natural? Yes, it's very natural.

It's sort of springy. A bit like a sponge.

Like angel food cake. Has anyone else...?

I expected steel wool, but it's soft.

To the left, back, right, forward, left, back, right, forward.

OK? How are you doing over there? You're not doing anything! Move!

Stop taking notes! You're supposed to dance now!

I have to review this for Eye magazine, I'm sorry.

You're not touching. I don't want to.

You're supposed to. Just keep going.

But we're supposed to relax. I just met the gal.

This is making me nervous. I'd rather not touch him.

It's just a play. You're participating in a play.

This is part of your part. You're the actors. We're the audience.

You're also an actor. We're not sure of the point of this.

We're trying. Come on, let's just do it.

Forward, side, back, side.

Now in order to be black and to feel black, you've got to eat black.

And we have here for you today, through the kindness of sister Carolyn who was kind enough to whip it up for us, some of the best in soul food.

Black-eyed peas, ooh!

Pig feet and greens!

Collards. And here we go, right for you.

Thank you. You're welcome.

That's enough. That's good.

Now, you just take it. No, no.

You have to eat it. I don't have to eat that, no.

Don't look at it like that. You're supposed to eat it. Is something wrong with it?

What's wrong with it? That's the food we eat.

We gotta dish out some stuff for the brother up here. He doesn't have any.

Open your mouth. I really...

No, you really must. Thank you.

That's some beans for you. Now you need some greens. Wait a minute.

Chew it, swallow it. Chew it and say, "Hmm!" Swallow it.

There's something... Wait a minute.

Oh, OK. That's alright.

Would you hurry up and eat, man? Yeah, I will.

You didn't eat any meat, man. Finish it and you'll get to the show.

All of this is what you eat. All of that stuff. Eat it, man!

You know, you're supposed to be so pro us, then eat us. You understand?

There it is. Right there, eat it.

Eat it, man. I really...

Eat it, man! I mean, this is the black experience. Eat it! Thank you.

You've tasted black, you've danced black, you've felt black.

Now you've got to be black to truly have the black experience.

So come up and we're gonna do you up.

Oh, look in the mirror. I'm gonna take care of you.

You look great!

Well, you're a bit Negro-ish, so we've got to put some on you.

Be black on the outside. Well, you know.

No, no. No, you must. Lady!

It's gonna ruin my make-up. Don't!

Oh! Come on! It's all part of it.

Close your eyes. Don't get it in my hair!

I won't get it in your pretty blonde hair.

Don't rub it in! I won't, I won't. Close your mouth!

Oh, this is senseless, just senseless.

Yeah, the next thing we do, now that you are black, as white people, we want to get to know you better cos all white people want to get to know black people.

We want to get to know you better and understand what you're about.

We're white and you're black. We're black now?

You look black, and look at us. We want to get into your personal lives.

Just to be friendly. I think I've had enough.

So why don't we break up and get to know each other individually?

My name is John Dillinger. Hello.

How are you doin'? Paul Vimal.

Do you have any ID on you? Any idea on me?

No, ID, identification.

Yes, my wallet. Could I see it for a second?

Where are you from? I'm from Manhasset.

From Manhasset? What do you do now? Well, I'm a housewife.

A housewife? Do you have any children? No.

Oh, you don't. Are you gonna have some soon?

Well, we're... We're planning. I mean, we're in a family planning group.

How exciting. How very, very interesting.

Let me take your purse for you for the rest of the show.

We're gonna go up to a new level and I'm gonna take good care of it downstairs.

You don't wanna carry this heavy thing around with you, OK?

So just go on upstairs and we'll be right with you, alright?

Yeah, why don't you just go on upstairs now?

They didn't take her purse!

Lady?

Hey, would you like to join us? Come on! Come on.

What, she... She took my purse and she didn't take her purse.

I would like my purse back. Oh, no, that's silly.

Did they take your purse?

She said they were doing it to everybody, but I'm the only one that it happened to.

And I don't like that. It's downstairs. It's downstairs, OK?

Well, I... She took it. What did she take from your purse?

She took my... She said everybody was doing it.

Why don't you go down and find her? You go down with her. She's upset.

I think you should go down!

I think somebody ought to go get it. I don't wanna go down.

Listen, it's just part of the play. It's not funny!

It's just part of the play, that's all. Look in my wallet.

All my money is gone.

I'm sure it's part of the play, but... It's just part of the play.

Go down... I don't want you to walk down with me!

Come on, we'll go down together. You should go.

Speak to the director. I'm sure you'll get it back.

Just stay there. Stay with the girl. Stay here and talk to her. Alright?

Don't worry. I'm capable of going down by myself!

If anything happens, come right back, if anything happens.

I'm sure it's just part of the play. Don't worry about it.

Joe, don't get hostile. Be nice.

I won't be hostile.

They sound very friendly.

They're just kidding around. You can hear them laughing.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Right...

Hi. Can I come in for a second? Sure, sure.

Wait a second! Somebody do something!

It's part of the play. It's not! Somebody do something!

They didn't really hurt him.

I haven't got my money, she hasn't got her bag.

It's part of the play. Where's his money?

Listen, this happens every performance.

We'll get it later then. Let's go up to the next stage. Come on.

I'm not gonna go in there, that's for sure.

Where's the...? Where's he gonna be?

He'll meet you after the performance. Hey, baby.

You, you, come up here.

I'm talking to you. I said get up here!

Yeah, the one with the stupid look on her face!

Yeah, in the green coat. You, Miss Blondie! Get up here!

I'd like my purse back.

She's a nigger with blonde hair. Get the fuck up here! Get up here now!

What the hell is going on here? Shut up, mister!

Are you kidding or something? Don't talk to me like that!

I didn't ask you nothing. I said get up here!

I want all of you up here now!

This is something you've been waiting for, niggers!

I'd like to go to the theatre. I think you want to go. Get up here!

All of you, get up here! OK, motherfuckers, move!

Oh, my God, he's got a gun!

That's right, it's a gun and it kills. Now move! Come on, fatso, move!

You still think that guy was a plant? You stand over here.

Stand over there. All of you, get up here!

You're gonna follow a little routine. I know you're gonna like it.

Get on up here! All you niggers like to do what I got in mind. Get up here.

All of you, get the fuck over there. I said get up here!

Don't give me no hard time. Which one you want? Huh?

Let's see. The blackest one. Take any nigger you want.

I'll take the one with the sunglasses on. This nigger over here.

Hey, man, hey, baby, which one you want? Which one you want?

Alright, take any one you want. We're gonna do a screwing scene.

We know all you niggers know how to screw, right?

Hey, baby. Lay down on the fucking mattress, man!

I said lay down on the mattress, mister! This is ridiculous.

Where...? You ain't goin' no place!

Stop it! Stop it!

Lay down and shut up! Shut up, lady!

Shut up! Shut up there! Don't say nothing! All of you lay down!

Get up from her. This is going too far.

If you don't lay down, I'll bust you in your fucking mouth!

Get back!

Right, get down there. Go on!

Go on! You, too, get down there!

Come on! Come on, man.

Come on!

Are you OK? Joe.

Get the elevator upstairs. Let's go. Come on, everybody upstairs.

Know your way up there? Yeah, go up the stairs. Next flight.

The elevator. Joe. He's got a gun.

Let's get out of here, you guys. Come on. You guys, too! Hurry up!

Come on, come on, come on. Let's go.

Are you OK? Let's get out of here.

We're on our way out now. Get this thing going, huh?

Please. All right, here we go.

Hurry. Can you start it?

Oh, my God! We're finally out of this place.

Hey, the lights! What's happened?

Oh, my God!

My God! Get back!

OK, niggers, cut the noise out! Cut the noise out.

Right, get that camera up here!

Get that camera down! Get it down!

No, not that one, not that one!

Back up, man! Let her go!

No, not that one, not that one! Hold it, hold it!

This one? Just leave her alone.

Get your hands off her! No! No!

Get your hands off her!

Stop! Please stop!

Quiet! Stay back!

Turn that fucking camera off! Get it down!

Get that camera down!

Please! Somebody... Get back! Get back!

No, please, stop!

Stay back or I'll blow your fucking heads off! Stay there!

Let go of my hair!

You want to see something? How do you like that? There!

Has she had enough?

Stop it, stop it!

Get the hell off there! Get back there!

Quiet! Shut up!

Oh, God!

Shut up! Get that camera down! Get it down or I'll kill you!

Get it down! No! No! No!

Right, get back, get back! Policeman, help, help, help, help!

Officer, officer! He did it, he did it!

Get back, everybody!

Who has a gun? Anybody has a gun? Get up against the wall there!

Look at the girl behind you! Turn around, turn around, turn around!

What are you doing? Oh, no!

Turn around! OK, I'm gonna deputize you fellas. You get over here.

It was this man. It was him! Don't touch me!

Come on, nigger, what's your name? What's your real name?

That's my real name!

I'm not kidding you. They got my wallet and my papers.

What's his real name? He doesn't know me!

Martin Freeman! My name is Murray Zin.

Prime Minister of the Black Panthers. Where do you live, Martin?

I live up in Scarsdale. Scarsdale?

What do you mean, Scarsdale? Come on, Martin, what's this, huh?

Avon Street. Avon Street in Scarsdale...

Come on, Martin, where do you live? I live on Avon Street.

He lives on 147th Street. That's his brother.

What's his name? They call him June Bug.

June Bug. I'm Professor Vimal.

Perfect nigger name. June Bug what? Professor Vimal.

Professor Vimal? A real comedian over here. Professor Vimal!

You know what I got here? A bunch of fucking liars! Everybody, get out of here!

Come on, everybody outside!

Shoot anybody who tries to escape. Everybody out!

Come on! Come on! Goddamn niggers!

Niggers, come on!

Outside!

Be black, baby. Be black. Be black!

Be black now.

Be black, baby. Be black, baby.

All right. Be black.

Be black, folks!

Be black, baby! Be black!

Good audience, good audience. Thank you!

Gotta hand it to them.

Well, Clyde Barnes was really right. That was some experience.

It was a great, great show, great theatre.

I'm gonna tell all my friends they've got to come, they've really got to come.

Except they should have called it... It was really something else!

"Humiliate the Honky" or "Hump the Honky", but it was great theatre.

It was a magnificent experience. I'm tickled I came.

It made you feel what it felt like to be a negro.

Black. I mean... To be black.

It really makes you stop and think. Really. Er...

Certainly, I've... I've worried about, uh, the... the problems, the... the... oh, the... you could almost say the sicknesses in our society, but...

It was... it was invigorating.

I... I find it hard to think.

Listen to that stupid shit! Oh, man, fuck them, man, you know!

Kick their behinds and they still go for it.

I don't think they learned a thing.

We gotta go to those projects up there with the silent middle class where they're sitting with their pipes in their chairs reading the New York Times.

You have to go and blow their minds. Just do it, man!

Go in there and blow the fuck out of them! Come on!

♪ Be black, baby, be black, oh! Be black ♪ Table of contents, table of contents. Ah, contents.

"Introduction, 13. Collective behavior.

The countryside versus the city, "the limits of revolution, "the black guerrilla."

Paramilitary activities in urban areas."

73. Page 73...

Ah...

"Paramilitary activities in urban areas.

"Because all organized revolutionary movements

"have been thoroughly infiltrated by government agents, "the successful acts of sabotage will be carried out by single individuals."

"A lone saboteur must first assimilate himself into the urban community, "assuming a lifestyle indistinguishable from the bourgeois members around him."

'This concludes our music to write checks by.

'Thank you for your generous contributions.

'And now stay tuned for N.I.T. Journal, 'A Black Revolution, Part 4: Search and Destroy, coming up next.'

Hi, my name is Harry Jameson. I work for Met Life.

Yes, pleased to meet you. Are you a member of the club?

"The urban guerrilla must become and remain anonymous..."

'Joyce, go in through the playground. Hurry up.

'OK, man. Head for the lobby of the West Building. Stay low. Move fast.

'OK, listen. We gotta go straight across the plaza. Be very cool. Let's go.


'When we hit the pillars, let's move.'


Hi, Jessica, how are you? Fine. And you?

I'm OK.


Stay back.

Where are you from? Do you have permission to do this?

Excuse me.

Shit! Try that one.

Would you like to buy some shares in blackness today?

You could at least be careful. This elevator's way too crowded.

Do you know what it's like to be a black man in America?

Sick! S-I-C-K!

Open this goddamn door!

This is your last chance!

Hey! What is this?

Be black, baby!

'Now stay tuned for N.I.T.'s award-winning program, 'Home Grown Happiness.'

Honey! Yeah?

What do you want for dinner? What do I want for dinner? Thank you.

Whatever you like. Turkey, beef or fried chicken?

I have a Mexican one in the freezer.

Well, I've been making enough decisions this week. You can make that one.

OK, Mr. Decision Maker.

Come on, Daisy. Let's have din-din! Come on, sweetie!

She's alright, honey. Leave her.

Honey? You know what I read in TV Guide today?

No. What did you read? They cancelled "Peyton Place".

Oh, that's too bad. I can't believe it. I'm so depressed!

I've been watching that show four or five years.

I feel as if know those people, they're like my friends and neighbors.

It must be a blow to those actors when they lose a series like that.

I hear that after three or four years, you become a millionaire.

I'd like to sell a few policies to them.

How would you like to go to Hollywood? Sell the actors some policies?

Bet there's great offices in Los Angeles.

That reminds me, I sold a policy to Harry Jameson. He's kind of a friend of mine.

And he told my supervisor Joe McMahon.

He told Joe about my style and how well I sold the policy.

He said that Joe seemed a little nervous as if I was doing too well, you know?

Thought I was bucking for his position. I think he was right.

He's jealous. You keep up the good work, honey. You're a real plugger.

A-ha.

Oh, honey? Yeah?

Did you think about what I asked you? About the dishwasher?

Yeah, I did. I was selling a policy to someone out on Staten Island, and he had a beautiful washer for $90.

He implied that if I didn't buy the washer, he wouldn't take the policy...

Oh, honey, I don't want a second-hand washer that everybody else has put their dirty old dishes in!

Well, it's a very good one and we can't afford anything better at this point.

It's better than buying one for $300 or $400. We have too many payments.

We have car payments, this rug that you bought...

What color is it? My kitchen happens to be yellow.

It's white. I don't want a white dishwasher!

Everybody has 'em. Come on, honey! I want it to match the kitchen.

So what color do you want? I want yellow.

We can get a yellow one in a few years. You never think about those things!

Don't worry. Honey! Oh!

What's the matter? Are you alright? I feel something.

Are you OK? It's too much for me. I can't take it.

I can't take all this housework and the cooking and the laundry.

It's too much for me! OK. Don't worry.

I'm just exhausted. I can't handle it.

Alright. From now on, I'm gonna do everything.

I'm gonna call the agency, we'll get some colored help, it's very cheap.

I'm gonna borrow on the policy. Nothing is more important than our child.

Nothing. Don't worry about it. What about me?

Oh, it really kicked, honey. Did it really? Let me listen.

Don't press so! Don't press...

I'm not pressing. It's my child. I can't hear anything, though.

Can't hear anything? Wait.

Stop pressing so hard! You'll kill the kid. You almost gave me a miscarriage!

OK, OK. Take it easy, honey. You're very excitable.

I'm gonna call the doctor. I'm gonna do all the work.

You're not gonna do anything. I'm gonna work until we get a maid.

Now just take it easy. I'm gonna take the laundry out now.

Now take it easy. I'll be right back.


'And now from our studios in New York, the Now News with John Winnicove.'

'This is John Winnicove with the evening report.

'This afternoon, I stood on the former site of the Community Co-op.

'As you know, the building was completely levelled by an explosion

'last Friday night.

'Over the past few days, the police and special agents of the FBI

'have discovered that the explosion emanated from the laundry room

'and are even now sifting through the rubble

'in an effort to determine the cause or causes

'or person or persons

'responsible for this truly horrible holocaust.

'This afternoon, we were on the scene speaking with relatives

'of former tenants and friends, and we switch to that report now.'

'Avery Gunnz. I don't live in the building, but I was on my way...

'I was visiting my sister last night and I left my wallet there and I'm really upset.

'I had my driver's license, my credit cards...

'I don't know what to do. It's a terrible thing.'

'You think it's a good thing?' 'Yes.

A lot of people have dogs here and we'll be able to walk our dogs now.

We need more room like this.

You weren't a resident here? No, I'm not a resident.

A lot of these things will be happening. They're doing quite a bit of this.

They'll be blowing 'em up faster than they can build them.

I live in that red house across the street, and I can see from my window all the entries that were here.

Strange people, always walking in and out, all hours of the night and day.

I see. So you attribute it to someone...?

Some funny person did this. Funny person?

Sir, do you have an opinion? What is your name?

Dr. Joe King. Dr. King. Are you a doctor of medicine?

I'm a psychiatrist. Would you turn to the camera here?

OK. What are your feelings about this?

Well, it probably is the result of somebody who cracked under the pressures of our society, you know.

We have such intense materialistic pressures and there's a tremendous gap between those who make it and those who don't.

You feel most definitely that frustration is the kind of thing that's taken out...?

It's the kind of thing. We're raised on violence in America, you know.

All these toy guns and the war in Vietnam...

Excuse me, sir. What is your name?

My name is Jon Rubin, sir, and I just came back from Vietnam.

I spent 18 months over there. What were you doing over there?

Do you mind telling us? I happened to be a demolition expert.

You might be able to give us some clue to determine...

Well, as a matter of fact, I was noticing this building... and it looks like a pretty good job.

I hate to say it, but it looks like it was done by an expert at least.

I'd just like to say I'm sick of this...

Well, please! We're on the air. Sorry, sir.

I'm just annoyed about the fact that I've just come back from Vietnam after we kind of, you know, sweep up the country there.

We got 500,000 men over there and we come back and what do we see?

Some kind of mess on the floor and the people killed and it felt like this...

You haven't seen any action? Have you been in Korea or Vietnam?

No. You haven't seen what I've seen.

I've seen arms shot off, I've seen faces blown up.

I've seen taken off! Hey, hey...

I'm sick of all that. I'm sick of all that. I'm sick of...

Excuse me, please... I'm sorry.

I don't mean to push you, but we have to get off the air now.

Do you have anything you'd like to say in summary?

Well, I would like to say something if you don't mind.

No, of course not. I'd like to say hello to my mother.

Er... of course. Thank you. Hi, Ma!