Hit and Run (2012) Script

You're not concentrating. I can tell.

You're thinking about e-mails or text messages or handbags.

You don't know that. You don't know what I'm thinking about.


Okay, I might not know the specifics but I know it's some kind of useless racket that's keeping you from concentrating.

I could be thinking about the cure for cancer.

In fact, I may have just cracked it.

And now you're trying to get me to erase it from my hard drive.

You couldn't cure a UTI if you owned a cranberry farm.

Hey! I have never had an infected urinary tract.

Oh, really? No, I have not.

And you've never had HPV either?

No! All right.

No human papillomavirus?

Watch your mouth!

Hey! Watch your mouth.

I smack too. I was vaccinated.

I was vaccinated.

'Cause, unlike you, I was born after the polio vaccine.

What are you talking about? I am five years older than you.

How do I know that?

I see no documentation of that. For all I know you're 45.

Listen to me! I am 35 years old. Okay?

You're 45! You're gray!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Buddy, don't grab my hair.

It's thin. I don't like when you pull my hair.

Then let go of my wrist.


On three. Truce? Okay.

Three, two, one. One, two, three.

Okay. Don't grab my hair again, okay?

Okay. Well, then don't hold me down.

It makes me self-conscious. That's my only way to defend myself.

I'm being serious though. Will you please concentrate?

Yes. Okay.

That's it.

Take three deep breaths.

This is the only moment you need to be worried about.

There's no yesterday.

There's no tomorrow.

There's just right now.

You're not late for anything.

And you're not gonna miss anything.

You're exactly where you're supposed to be.

And you're exactly who you're supposed to be.

You're absolutely perfect.

And whatever happens today is exactly what's supposed to happen.

And if you want I'll spend every moment with you for the rest of your life.

Okay, I want.

You're gonna have a wonderful day today.

You don't have to be nervous about anything.

Okay, I'm not.

You promise?

Yeah. Thanks, buddy.

You're so terrible on the eyes.

I don't know why I share a bed with you! You're disgusting!

That's a lot! That's a lot of space. Forget it. I've got a friend.

Hey, you! Is Charlie awake yet?

'Cause I've got to pick him up. We've got a meeting in town.

I thought I'd swing by and grab him.

Yeah, he's inside.

Right. You doing all right?

Yeah. Yeah, good!

Are you okay, Randy?

No. No. Why? Why? What's wrong?

You're just a little sweaty. But it's not a big deal.

Okay, well, I'm sorry. That happens.

I hate it. You don't need to apologize.

Okay. Okay.

Bye, Randy.

You too!

Yes. I'll do that. I'll...

Someone's calling. Hold on, hold on. Just a second.

God damn it! Son of a bitch.

Damn it!

Damn it!

Oh, shit! Fuck!

Hey. Hey. No!

Fuck! No! No!

Oh! Oh! No! Kids!

Oh, God!

What the fuck!


Oh, no! Kids!

Mom! No!

When I tell you to stay in park you fucking stay in park!

You stay in park or I will break you!

Hear me?

Hey! What are you doing?

What the fuck are you doing, Randy?


What do you mean nothing? I look out my window and you're ghost riding your van in the backyard, man!

You're blasting holes in everything!

Shut the fuck up, Charlie! Shut the fuck up!

I'm sorry, ma'am. Wait! Let me get my badge! Don't worry!

No! Don't go anywhere! I got my badge! This car is malfunctioning!

Randy! You blew her window out!

You've got to be more careful than that!

Would you shut the fuck up? I'm trying to explain to this lady what happened!

Hey! Why don't you explain to me, man?

It's my yard you're driving through!

You're assaulting a minivan with a firearm? Jesus, Randy!

I had a fucking accident!

Okay? I had a fucking accident! All right? I'm embarrassed!

Okay? Are you happy? I spilt my coffee all over me!

Listen, I didn't know you spilt your coffee, okay?

Yeah, it spilt on my shirt and on my pants!

I'm sorry. Listen, it's all right. Are you okay?

Yeah. I think so.

So you spilt your coffee?

Yeah. I spilled it on my shirt and on my pants.

And then you fell out of your van?

Or were you firing first and then you fell out?

I don't want to talk about it out here.

Okay. Okay.

You want to come inside?

Get me out of this yard, man!

You were really firing that gun, man.

Okay. Next subject.

Hi, Annie. Take a seat. I'm just finishing this up.

Thanks. Oh, take your time.

What's that?

Uh, I was just taking a couple of deep breaths.

Someone recommended I try it when I'm nervous.

You know what else works?

Xanax. Oh. It's so good.

All benzos, really.

But that one works extremely well. Very fast-acting.

Huh? I never take Xanax.

Well, you should really try it.

If you mix it with wine or beer it sort of supercharges it.

I should try that.

Why are you nervous?

I know, you know, it's the end of the semester and I also know there's budgetary issues.

And that you have to let a few professors go.

And so when I got the note in my box, I think I just assumed the worst.

Would you be afraid to get fired if your job was to clean the floor at one of those coin-operated jack-off booths?

You know, where you're the one holding the mop.

Um, fired from a jack-off booth?

Where the truckers go and masturbate.

Yeah. I know what you're talking about.

Well? Would you? Um...

No. I would not.

And yet, you're here at Milton Valley, the jack-off booth of academia.

I'm not sure what your point is.

You're too smart and passionate to work here. So why do you?

You know, I created my own major at Stanford.

I have a doctorate in Non-Violent Conflict Resolution, which no university offers as a major. They just don't.

So I teach intro to soc classes.

And I'm... I'm also in a relationship here.

I'm going to stop you.

UC is starting a conflict resolution program.

I spoke to the head of the Sociology Department.

And she's extremely interested in hiring you to run that program.

No way.

Now, she's meeting the other applicant on Wednesday and she'll need to make a decision that day.

Their semester starts in a week.

You're meeting her on Wednesday.

Oh, my God!

Thank you so much! I'm so flattered that you would even consider me!

I just have to check with my boyfriend Charlie because he has...

He can't exactly leave, uh, Milton. Annie.

Please. I went to state school.

I went to football games and blacked out and got date raped.

I had abortions. I worried too much about what my boyfriends thought.

I got what I deserved.

But that's not you.

You deserve so much more than this.

I hope your neighbor doesn't report Why? You're a marshal. You're allowed to fire your weapon, aren't you?

Yeah, but I've had a couple incidences.

And this would be bad.

Although, I don't know what more they could do to me.

This seems like the bottom of the barrel as far as being a marshal.

Why did you get stuck with witness protection?

Because I accidentally discharged my weapon.

Once at a gas station and another time at a baseball game.

At a baseball game? Yes.

No! Nobody. Are you kidding me? No! It wasn't even my fault!

I'm not kidding you.

You shoot your weapon off at a baseball game It's not crazy that I would assume maybe someone got shot.

Listen, I asked for a revolver.

A revolver has a hammer that you pull back.

And a safety. But no. What do they give me? Right.

Jesus Christ, man. Be careful with that.

Yeah. Look at that.

Okay. Now, you heard stuff going on. I mean...

I don't know. That's not even safe.

Randy, Randy, Randy, Randy.

Please, please, please, please! Okay?

I'll just...

From now on, don't touch my weapon anymore. Okay?

Listen, I wasn't... I know we're friends and everything.

And it's kind of a gray area now that we are friends.

But do not touch my weapon again. It's unsafe.

Okay. I'm sorry.

I trained for two years to be able to do this.

Okay. So please, do me a solid.

I'm not going to touch it. I won't bring it up again.

I promise. I'm not going to touch it. All right, thank you.

Okay. Okay.

And it's not your fault. I know.

Oh, no. Did it not go good?

No, it went really well.

Then why are you upset?

You just look so stupid sitting there.

So impossibly cute.

And I don't even know why you like me so much.

Oh, mama. I think you're stupid.

I should have oiled that.

So she didn't fire you?

Debby found me a job where I could head my own department.

In my field.

And it would be the first one like it in the country.

And it would be perfect.

Then why are you upset?

Because it's in L.A.

And I would have to leave and move to L.A.

It's in L.A.?

That's the only place this job exists? In L.A.?

No other place?

No, Charlie. There's no other place.

It only exists in L.A.

And Debby told me that if I didn't take the interview she would fire me.

And I wouldn't even have my job here anymore.

Will you say something, please?

What do you want me to say? There's nothing to say.

Well, what are you thinking?

What am I thinking?

I think I'm pissed that the one thing that makes me happy, the one thing that makes this shit-hole town bearable is leaving.

I didn't say I was leaving.

You're leaving!

Even if you wanted to stay, I wouldn't let you.

I wouldn't forgive myself and you wouldn't either.

That's not true. If I stayed I wouldn't resent you.

Hey. Where are you going?

I'm gonna go talk to Debby.

About what?

I'm gonna beg her to let me have my job back.

Okay, wait. Slow down a second.

Are you sure you want to do this?

If I wanted to go to L.A., I'd have to be outside packing my car up to get there by Wednesday.

Yeah. So you don't see me packing up my car, do you?

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Hey.

This doesn't feel right.

I'll be back in an hour or two.

You have been dating this clown for one year.

It's only going to take you six months to get over him.

Now, I want you to take one of these when it gets unbearable.

Some Xanies in here.

And Lorazepam. Oh! Dilaudid.

My gift to you.

Debby, I don't need it. I don't need the pills.

Take it!

Look at Captain Longdick out there.

Does this guy like to fuck, or what?

That's Charlie!

What are you doing here?

I'm here to take your fat ass to L.A.

You can't leave.


Look, I can't live here without you and I'm not letting you stay.

So I suggest you get in.

You don't think it'll be too dangerous?

No. I've been gone for four years and L.A. is a big city.

We'll be fine.

I thought you said this car didn't run.

Sweetie, this car more than runs.

Whoa, whoa, buddy! Where are you going?

To L.A.

I have to pack my stuff.

No. I grabbed everything you'd want.


It's in the trunk.

Honey, everything I need for L.A. would not fit in the trunk.

Sweetie, this car also came as a hardtop convertible.

The whole roof slid into the trunk.

The trunk was designed to hold the entire roof.

Believe me. Your stuff fit in the trunk.

Oh, wait!

What? My teaching certificate. It's at Gil's.

You're kidding me.

No. And I need it.

Oh, boy.

Be back in a sec.

Oh, my God.


Anne? What a fun surprise.

Um, listen. I think I accidentally left...

You caught me in the middle of doing all my laundry.

Sorry about that. Um...

When I split up the photo albums, I think I left the one with my teaching degree here with you.

Oh. Okay, well.

That's an honest mistake. You want to come in and talk about it?

No, Gil. I just want the album. Can you grab it?

Uno momento.

Uno momento.

Nice buns!

Well, it looks like we've got quite a few options here.

We can spread them out... No, that's fine. It'll be in the back.

All right. Why, pray tell, are you in such a hurry to get this?

Um, because I'm taking a job in L.A. and I need it.

You're taking a job in Los Angeles? When?

Uh, now, actually. We're leaving right now.


You're moving to Los Angeles with a man you barely know?

Bingo. Okay...

Hold on a second!

I'm not letting you move 500 miles away with a man named Charles Bronson, who you barely know who happens to be in the witness protection program.

Do you know who goes into witness protection?

Criminals who have ratted out other criminals to save their own ass.

Okay! First of all, I never should have told you anything about him.

I never should have. Secondly, you don't have the authority to not let me do anything, Gil.

And lastly, he was given that name when he entered protection which he entered because he witnessed a crime. Okay?

He's a good Samaritan, Gil. Not a criminal. Give me!

You can't just disappear with that scumbag. All right? It's unacceptable.

He's probably going to murder you Give me the album, Gil! Give me the album! Annie. Annie!

Hey! What the fuck are you doing, Gil?

Nothing. I was just giving her the albums that she asked for.

You're sunbathing, too? What, you got your top off?

I was doing laundry.

Give her the fucking books, all right?

And when he snaps, you better hope to hell that I'm there to save you.

Because he's going to do it.

Okay, Gil. Take care.

Bye, Gil!

You got it? Yeah.

G-L-8-7-9. G-L-8-7-9!


What's with this car?

What do you mean what's with this car?

I mean... It's kind of obnoxious.

Oh! You think this car is obnoxious?

'Cause I think it's tits!

And I think most people think this car is tits.

It sounds like it's gonna break.

No, it does not sound like it's gonna break.

It sounds like it has 700 horsepower.

Believe me, all dudes love how this car sounds.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

I'm in a 700 horsepower dude lure?

That's right.

Apologies. I had no idea.

You definitely told me this car was broken.

It was when I was talking about turning the shed into a craft room.

Yeah? Yeah.

So, why did you say that?

Why did I say that?

Holy shnikes, look at this.

There's a parrot driving this car.

Uh-huh. A driving parrot!

Oh, man! I'm gonna be rich!

I found the only driving parrot!

I was hiding it in the shed

'cause you're not supposed to bring anything with you.

I mean, especially not a car.

But I spent a year and a half building this thing with my dad and I didn't want to just not have it anymore.

You wanted to bring it because you built it with your dad?


We weren't the hottest communicators, but we kind of worked well together.

So he was into off-road racing and we did that together.

And then he was into building old cars and we did that.

I think it's sweet.

I want a burger.

Mmm! I want a burger too.

Let's get some beef!

Let's get some beef up in us.

What are you doing?

I'm on my Pouncer app.

Yeah. I understand it's an app.

I'm saying when you hit the Pouncer app what happens?

I hit Pouncer. And it sends out my exact location on this map.

And then I can see who else has Pouncer on the same exact map.

And I can chat with them in real time.

And be like, "Hey! Where are you? What's going on?"


You're the only one on here.


Well, we're in the middle of nowhere. There's no gays.

Have you used it in another city?

Oh, my God.

Airports. Vegas. You know.

Austin lights up like a fucking Christmas tree.

Ten feet away. Zero feet away. Guys wanting to hook up.

For coffee? Or like...

No. To fuck.

Or hand jobs or blowjobs or kissing. Whatever.

So wait, then like, you just hit a button and within five minutes you and a stranger, having sex? Or having hand jobs?

I mean, that's not the intention of the app.

I think the intention of the app is to see who's straight and who's gay.

Like for you, you're straight so it's safe to assume that you can hit on anyone or flirt with them.

And then I do that, what happens? Victim of a hate crime.

Yeah. Not cool.

Not cool at all.

Oh, Gil.


Hey! Did you change your mind?

It doesn't work like that, Gil.

I can't have him tailed or brought in. He hasn't done anything.

I'm telling you, the guy is a fucking Ted Bundy. Okay, Terry?

He's probably going to murder her and do kinky shit to her body!

And that's gonna be on you!

You're supposed to be a fucking cop!

I am a fucking cop, Gil!

I don't need you telling me how to be a cop.

I know what I'm fucking doing, okay?

You know what? You still owe me 1,700 bucks!

Are you fucking kidding me right now?

I got you out of that DUI.

That report said you soiled yourself, Gil.

Like a fucking homeless man!

You evacuated. You shit your pants.

I fixed that! Okay, Gil? Me!

Fine. Forget the 1,700 bucks.

Just do it because you're my brother. Okay?

Fine. What's the plate number?

Thank you.

Uh, Galactica, Libra, eight, seven, nine.

The plate's been expired for three years.

And it's not even in his name.

What's the name? Who is it registered to?

Yul Perrkins.

Yul Perrkins?


Oh, my God! I bet that's his real name!


I've got to go. I'll see you Sunday.

Thanks, Terry!

Yul Perrkins.

"Thirty-one year-old Yul Perrkins will be the key witness

"in the state's case against Alexander Dmitri and Noel Hodges.

"Three suspects are accused of robbing

"First National Bank in late August." You fuck.

"They have been awaiting trial for six months

"while the state finalized the plea bargain with Perrkins."

Alexander Dmitri.

For the next 24 hours I know where Yul Perrkins is.

They're saying the Iraqi dinar is gonna go to the value of the Kuwait dollar.

What are you talking about? Iraqi dinar?

It's trading at 1000 dinar per U.S. dollar.

Oh, shit. It's Randy. Hold on one second.

Hey. Where are y? I picked somethig up for you.

A new bowling ball.

Well, I was just thinking. You're a really good bowler, like naturally.

You're too good to be using one of those pitted-out house balls.

That was really nice of you. Thanks, Randy.

So when are you going to be back?

Um, well... Here's the thing.

Annie got a really great job opportunity in L.A.

So I'm gonna go ahead and go with her.

What? Are you fucking kidding ?

You know you can't leave Milton!

You cannot leave Milto!

Well, I know it's not advised, but technically I think I can leave.

Listen, if you do leave you have to have a marshal with you at all times in case something happens!

And if something happens to you, I am fucking fired!

Hey, look. I'm sorry. I'm not trying to get you fired, okay?

I'm leaving witness protection.

So I'm no longer your responsibility.

I mean, I think I can leave. No?

You can leave. But there's a whole process.

You've got to fill out forms and shit.

Okay. Where are you right now?

Just stay right where you're at and I'm coming to you.

No. No. Listen. Randy. I've got to get her to this interview.

I would have told you I was leaving but this whole thing happened really fast. And I'm sorry.

I'm on my way. What's your 20?

I'm gonna call you when we get to L.A. Okay?

Nothing's gonna happen to me. You just stay there.

What the fuck?

Randy? I got to go, okay?

Stay there! I'm comi.

Fuck! All right...

Okay, you know what? Randy's hell bent on protecting me.

And I think that could be very dangerous for us.

We should get on the road.


Hey, chief, is this your car?

Yeah, man. You shouldn't touch.

Oh. It's so nice.


I bet this thing's got nitrous. This got nitrous?

No. Nitrous is for fags. It's got cubic inches.

Cubic inches.

Did you just say "fags"?


But not in, like, a homophobic way.

I used it in place of "lame."

Why wouldn't you just say "lame"?

Well, same reason I say "fuck" instead of "frick."

It packs more punch. It's basically the swear word version of lame.

No. It's not.

It's a hate word used to perpetuate homophobia.

It's used to marginalize gay people.

You're acting like you don't know me.

I voted to legalize civil unions.

When I had friends, I had a lot of gay friends.

Then you shouldn't say "fag."

I don't! I don't use it in reference to actual people.

I mean especially homosexual people.

So then, that makes it okay?

Yeah, I think so. I mean morally, I feel fine about it.

So as long as it's not in reference to a person, it's all right?

Like if I wanted to start calling my purse the N word.

"Honey, have you seen my N word?

"I can't find my N word anywhere. And it's the expensive one."

Okay. I will work on it.

Thank you.

Are you fucking kidding me?

No. I'm not.

No, no. Your ex-boyfriend is behind us.

Gil is tailing us.

Oh, my God.

What the fuck is he doing?

You know what? I'm going to put a stop to this right now.

What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna pull him out of the car and beat the shit out of him.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! You're not doing that!

That's not how you solve things.

That's exactly how you handle this.

Especially with a turd like Gil.

I'm sorry. Which one of us has a doctorate in conflict resolution?

'Cause I think it's me.

Listen. I respect your degree. I do.

But it's not how we're getting out of this situation, okay?

We don't have time to bring in a mediator.

Charlie, I am not going to live with a man who says "fag" and beats up guys on the side of the road.

I'm not gonna teach non-violence at a university and then marry Dog the bounty hunter!

I won't do it!

What are you doing, Gil?

Protecting someone I love.

What are you doing, Yul Perrkins?

I don't know how you know that name, but if you say it out loud again, I swear to God...

"Yul" do what?

I love Annie.

Enough to move back to L.A. for her where I might get killed.

I love her so much that I'm not beating your fucking head against the ground right now because she asked me not to.

But if you do something that results in her leaving me, I'm going to beat you to death.

I'm literally gonna beat you to fucking death, Gil. Do you understand that?

That name stays between you and I.

You know we have a mutual friend?

I mean, technically he's a Facebook friend, which is obviously less significant than a real friendship but still kind of cool.

Alex Dmitri.

You know him? Alex Dmitri?

I got you.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

What did he say? Is he going home?

Nope. No, he's going to follow us all the way to L.A.

So how do you want to handle this?

Well, sweetie, if you're not gonna let me kick his ass, then you're gonna have to let me run from him.


I'm proud of you.

Thank you.

I'm sure I'll get there.


Yul Perrkins!

What is he saying?

Oh, who gives a shit?

This is probably gonna get pretty fucking radical.

But I don't want you to get scared, okay?

I raced all growing up and I even drove professionally for a while.


I trust you.

Annie, hey! This is Gil!

I'm following you, okay?

If he goes all psycho and shit on you give me some kind of hand signal. Okay?

Hold on!


Oh, shit! Oh!


Stop! Stop! Oh, God. Stop!

Holy shit! I think that was Randy!

Bye, Gil.

Oh, my God.

Hey! Randy?

Randy, are you okay, man?

No! I'm not fucking okay, Charlie!

I'm in the middle of a field that you ran me into!

And my gun started going off, man! No! I am not okay!

Hey! I'm sorry! And I don't want to be a dick, but you didn't have to jump your van onto that field, man.

I got back in my lane with plenty of time.

Bullshit! I know time.

We would have had a fucking head-on collision!

Okay. You know what? You're clearly shaken up.

And apparently you had another incident with your firearm.

And I think you're being a little defensive.

I just pulled over to see if you're okay. All right?

I am not defensive! Are you shitting me?

What have I got to be defending? Huh?

Nothing to defend! You ran me off the road!

My gun went off 'cause of you, almost killing me!

Hey, Randy?

Are you really all right?

I am okay. I am okay. How are you doing? Are you okay?


Do you want me to call you a tow truck?

Obviously I have a fucking cell phone!

I was in the middle of a call when you wrecked me! Okay?

Okay. Well, you know what...

Wait, Charlie! Don't go! Don't go, please!

Listen, I'm sorry. I'm just a little embarrassed.

Don't go, okay? 'Cause I'll just have to chase you.

I know you will, Randy. But will you please be a little more careful?

I mean, it really worries me when I look behind me and I see your van is airborne.


Bye, Randy!

Oh! Hey! Congratulations on the new job!


when they could shop and get whatever they wanted?

That's a good idea! Oh, hey.

Leave a pit by itself right in front of a store.

Well he's not a killer. Look at that face.

That's what they all say. Until they need stitches.

Like those crazy bitches that live with tigers?

What? What are you talking about?

About the women who get pet tigers and then get eaten?

Oh. Oh. Oh, yeah!

You ain't ever gonna catch no black bitches living with no tiger.

That's some white girl shit.

She hates white bitches, right?

We don't like white bitches either, do we?

You'll never catch me doing some shit like that.

Yeah? I live with a tiger and I ain't no white bitch.

Oh, really? No.

I'm a tiger?

Yes, ma'am.

Just the water? I don't think we have the right cookware for that...

Just the water? Yeah! Mmm-hmm.

That'll be $1.69.

Oh, just a sec. Hi, boss.

What's up?

Gonna have a hell of a meal.

Well, the dog food's not for me.

I'm just teasing.

But I don't think your dog's gonna want to eat that either, though.

He's lucky I feed him anything at all after he tore up my couch.


See? He ain't no lamb. He's a tiger.

That's right, girl. He's all tiger.

Well, maybe he thought that couch was healthier than the landfill you're giving him.

Hey, dude?

How about you stop worrying about what I feed my dog and worry about surfboards, or whatever the fuck it is you think about?

I'm sorry.

how much better the good dog food is for your dog.

Yeah, it's 10% more expensive.

But it's like 80% less poison.

I just...

You trying to get knocked the fuck out, motherfucker?

No, no, no. Huh?

'Cause you got the right guy.

I'll knock a nigger out holding a baby.

Thank you for shopping at Field's.

I'm just thinking about, you know, the beautiful little creature out there.

But I'm sorry. Have a nice day, sir.

So, a little dog food?

Yeah. How are you doing?


Where the fuck is your leash?

That fucking son of a bitch.

Come on, buddy! Yeah!

Get you where we can play around a little bit.

Yeah! How's that feel?


All right?

Let's eat some dog food. All right, buddy?

Chill the fuck out, man!

No, I am chill.

Don't do nothing stupid!

You like this. You want it. You said you liked it!

You said it's good! Don't you remember?

It's high-priced fucking chicken feet dog food! Eat it, brother!

Baby, let's go, okay?

Yo! Get your man straight!

Hey, babe. I'll be there in a second, okay?

No, man! Get in the car! It's just dog food!

No! Babe, it's not just dog food. That's my whole point about this.

It's compressed fucking sawdust and we're not leaving here until my man samples some.

You got it! Just eat it! No! Just trust me!

I can't eat that shit, man!

Why not? I can't! Man, I can't! I'd rather die!

I can't eat this shit, man!

Do you understand what you just said?

That you would rather die than eat that shit?

You understand how that supports what I've been trying to tell you the past 15 minutes?

Other people, lives in danger, they eat another human being.

But you?

You won't even fucking eat this.

Fuck. That's some profound shit, man.

That's some fucking profound shit.


Come on. Come on.

Now, I'm going to take your dog.

But I'm going to tell you something.

It's not cool to wear those tank tops anymore.

Unless you're wearing it ironically or something.

Fuck all y'all!

Fuck me.

Oh, shit. Get some.


That's a mean kitty!


What is it? A '75?

Uh, '67.

Is that what they told you, huh?

Shit! Suicide doors.

Suicide... Uh...

You can shut that.


Seeing if it worked, guy.


That ain't a stock power plant.

No. Not stock.

Yeah. How many ponies?

Seven hundred. Damn!

How much?

It's 700!

No. Into the motor.

What's the price tag on this build?

Reason I'm asking is 'cause I might do a motor swap with that late model Ford over there.


I can't really remember everything that went into it. So...

Ballpark it.

You know what? It was about 14 grand.

Damn. That's commitment.

Mmm-hmm. Yeah.

That's what I always say.

And the South will rise again.

God! You own that too?

You know what? It's a rental, actually.

Aren't they all?


Hey. Have you noticed that there is a certain type of person that is attracted to this vehicle?

Yeah. Like the guy at the gas station?

Yes. Like the guy at the gas station.

Like, if you spent two years building your dream car that is was also the dream car of a certain type of person.

Like people who are... I don't know.

Let's just call them rapists, out of convenience.

If you started to notice that your peers were rapists, what do you think that says about the old you who built this car?

Look. This car is designed specific.

What appeals to me is probably not what appeals to other dudes. Okay?

I wanted something that was as fast as hell, seated six people, and had a trunk the size of an SUV's.

But why?

I feel like you're insinuating that I have small dick complex or something.

And I don't. We both know that's not the case.

I have a lot of issues, but not that one.

I'm just teasing you.

I don't think couples can really tease each other.

I think everyone pretends they can, but really, there's always some kind of truth or judgment in there somewhere.

Baloney. Couples can tease.

Oh, yeah. It's playful!

Well, of course. I can say to you you're too fat, or you're too tall and clearly I'm joking.

But anything else I say I'm probably hinting at something that bothers me about you.

But I'm framing it as a joke, so that when a fight ensues I don't have to take responsibility for it.

Do you want to just go to this place?


I feel like you just got really upset, though.

And I honestly was just teasing you.

Okay. I'll be back in a second.

It's okay if you're feeling sensitive and I'll drop it.

The only reason I want to talk about it is so we can figure out why.

I think it's just going home after four years.

It's just bringing up some weird shit.

What kind of weird shit?

I don't know.

Just weird shit, really.

Oh, my God!

Oh, hey!

Sorry! Sorry about that.

Sorry. Very sorry.

Our bad. Sorry.

Oh, my God!

Get away from the door!

That was a real life lemon party.

That was grannies and grampies fooling around!

What you buying, baby?

I was just checking my Facebook page.

I don't know why. You ain't single and you've got three friends.

What the fuck you be checking on Facebook?

What are you checking on Facebook?

Maybe Allen put some new photos of himself naked in front of the mirror. I have to stay abreast.

You don't want to miss that.

Get the fuck out of here.


Get your shit. We've got to go. Where are you going?

We got to go. Come on. Get your shit. We got to go.

That's what happens. I talked to him 10 minutes ago!

No. He knows where he is. All right? I'll see you soon.

Babe? You gonna take care of the dogs? Mmm-hmm.

Did you put the alarm on?


Hey, honey? What was Gil screaming when you were walking towards the car?

He sounded like he was repeating something.

I don't know what the fuck he was saying. He's nuts.

Well, obviously you heard what he was saying.

He kept repeating it over and over again.

He was just talking shit.

But what was it?



What was he saying?

He was saying "Yul Perrkins."

He was saying "Yul Perrkins" over and over again so that you would hear and then we would be in this fight.

So he won.

We're not fighting. What are you... Who's Yul Perrkins?

That's my name. That's my real name. Yul Perrkins.

Perrkins. Yul Perrkins is my real name.

Why on earth would we fight about that?

I don't know. I just feel like this is gonna be a fight.

Like, why wouldn't I have told you my name before?

Or that comment you made about my car.

Or the old me. I just, you know...

I want everything to be exactly how it's been since we've met.

I don't want to have to go all the way back into my background just because we're going to L.A.

Can you calm down? Come here. Come here for a second.

Please come sit on the bed with me.

I think Yul Perrkins is a very cute name.

I think it sounds like a Sesame Streecharacter.


So did all the kids on the playground. It was not very cute.

My dad loves Yul Brynner. He thinks he's a badass.

But no one in my generation's ever heard of him.

Can I ask you one more question?

And you promise you'll tell the truth?


Did they assign you the name Charlie Bronson or did you get to pick it?

I picked it.

Was it 'cause you thought it sounded tough and you were tired of having a sissy name?


That is the most adorable thing I've ever heard. Come here.

And you loved Charles Bronson movies?

I actually named myself after that famous English prisoner who named himself after the actor Charles Bronson.

And I found him intriguing, I guess.

That's weird.

To find someone like that intriguing.

It's weird.

Well, look, I don't know...

It sounds stupid now that I'm saying it out loud, but at the time it seemed...

I didn't know you then, Annie.

So I obviously picked the wrong name. And I'm sorry that I...

It's fine. Hey. Hey! You can call me whatever you want.

You're not on trial here, okay? This is all just new to me.

Come back here. Come back.

You want to drop it?

Yeah. I would appreciate that. Okay.

127? Are you kidding me?

Might as well tap me on the shoulder and say, "Fuck you."

Sir, are you okay?

Have you been in an accident?


No. I'm a U.S. marshal.

Okay. Sir, your vehicle appears to be totaled.

And I clocked you at 127 miles per hour back there.

I'm a marshal. And I've got someone in witness protection who needs my protection.

I totally understand, sir.

Is there any way you could stay below 100?

I'm very worried about this car getting up into triple digits.

I suppose I could try to keep it in the high 90s.

Thank you. 'Cause just like it's your job to be protecting whoever you may be protecting...

Um... What? Hold on a second.

I'll be right back, sir.

I need to talk to you.



Okay. I wasn't snooping. But your phone did vibrate and so I checked it out and...

That's your Pouncer app, right?


Okay. So that dot popped up like two seconds ago.

So, there's got to be another gay guy within, what, 100 feet of here?


I mean, it must be him.

Although I don't think he's gay. He's like 50.

There's 50-year-old gay people, Angella.

We don't grow out of being gay.

Oh, no. I didn't... That's not what I meant. I just...

I just think you should ask him out.

What do you mean... Oh! Because he's gay and I'm gay I should just ask him out?

Are you instantly attracted to every straight person you meet?


Come on.

I'm actually gonna let you go.

But I do need to see your phone for a second please, sir.


A small request after you were driving that fast.

Can I see your phone please, sir?

Thank you very much.

Yeah. There we go. That's what I thought.

Uh... Hi.

What are you doing?

I'm programming my name and number in here.

Just in case you ever need "backup."

What are you...

Pouncer. Oh.

I didn't know what...

Oh, you had no idea what it was?

It's okay. Don't be embarrassed. I'm a fan of Pouncer.

I Pounce. You Pounce too, I guess.

So, you should be very flattered, 'cause I'm an eight and you're a five, so...

You have a safe night.


Okay. Do you need to call me back after you've collected yourself?

No, no, no. I'm good.

So I stopped off at San Andreas and Jackson.

They were nowhere to be found.

I don't think they could have got as far as Planada.

So my guess is Mariposa.

We'll take a peek in Planada on our way up to Mariposa.

Oh, great! Great. Now, about the girl, Annie, who's my girlfriend and a victim in all this.

Uh, I want assurances...


Did that drop or did he just...

Hey, buddy, look. They have shower caps.

Oh, yeah? Your favorite.


I'm gonna go get some coffee for us, okay?


I'll be ready to go in 10.

Have a good shower.

Thank you.

Come on!

Are you...



That fucking hillbilly from the gas station stole my engine last night!


From the Lincoln! I just went out there to start it.

There's no engine inside.

How do you steal an engine?

Grind the motor mounts out and pull it out with a cherry picker.

It probably took him 20 minutes.


Is there anything I can do?

No. Just finish your shower.

I'm gonna go to the lobby and see if they know someone with a tow truck.

Okay. That was a $12,000 engine.

Sorry your engine was stolen, sweetie!

Where is she?

What the fuck are you doing?

Where is she, man?

You just fucking broke my nose!

I don't care! I swear to God if you already killed her...

I'm not a fucking killer, man! What's wrong with you?

You were involved in a homicide! I am not leaving without her.

Get that fucking club out of my face!

Don't talk to me like that!

Listen, man! She is fine! Do you want to see her?


Lower that shit and I'll show her to you!

All right! Open the door!

What the fuck are you thinking, man?

Hitting me in the nose with a golf club?

I didn't think it would hurt that bad!

Jesus Christ!

I've been through some shit. I've never seen a bitch move like that.

Well, if you wouldn't be such an asshole!

You know what pisses me off the most about you hitting me with this fucking...

No! I don't really give a shit either.

It's that you made me break my promise to Annie.

That was a shitty thing to do, Gil!

That was really fucking selfish of you.

Fucking selfish prick.

Oh, fuck! Fuck...


I'm sorry! Sorry, sorry, sorry! Honey?

We have got to go right now.

I will tell you about it in the car, okay?

What car? I thought you said the car was...

Baby, this is life or death. I need you to get out of the shower this second.

Okay? Let's go. Okay.

I don't understand. What happened to your face? Why are you bleeding?

Baby, will you please just get dressed and pack, okay?

Yes. The people I testified against are in the lobby.

We got to get out of here right now.

Should I call the police?

There's no time for that.

Why are you bleeding? Did they hit you?

Baby, just faster, okay?

I'm going as fast as I can!

They are right out there. Okay, go baby! Go, go, go!

Okay, I'm going! I'm going!


I'll grab Yul. You got the girl?

You want me to take the gun since you're focused on the door?

I think I can manage both.

Okay. All right.

All right. We're gonna go on three.


You all right?

Yep. Here we go.

One. Two.


Where the fuck is Yul?

Hey! What are you looking at, bro?

Is Yul here? Fuck!

Come on! They're seniors. It's the wrong room. Come on. Go!

Fucking embarrassing, man! I know.

That shit was disgusting!

You got everything you need? Yes.

We're good. We're good, we're good, we're good.

Damn it!

Can you grab that? Yeah, honey...

Okay. Your purse.

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

What is that?

It's a remote keyless entry.

For which car?

It's kind of a universal one.

I just made it. Mama, will you just throw your stuff in the car?

Let's go. Go, go, go, go, go. Faster!

Wait a second. I'm not just going to get into someone else's car.

Sweetie, it's not the time!


Hurry up! Let's go!

Did you just steal this car?

Yes, I did. But only because I absolutely had to.

How did you steal it?

If you lose your keyless entry and go to the dealership they use the VIN number to get a new code in their program.

And I got a new code and I programmed this one.

But how? How did you get the code?

I have passwords for the different dealerships.

Why do you have those passwords?


Look. If we have this conversation I'm afraid you're not gonna want to be with me anymore.

Okay, well, if we don't have this conversation, I can't be with you.

I can't be with someone that I don't trust.

So you're just going to have to risk it.


You know I witnessed a bank robbery that went really wrong.


What I left out is that I was kind of involved.

Not in the violence part, but in the getaway driving part.

I'm sorry I didn't say that to you, but when I got into witness protection I looked at it as a new beginning.

And I knew I wasn't going to be that guy anymore...

You're a bank robber?


No. I didn't actually rob any of the banks.

Alex and Allen did the robbing and I did the driving them to and from the bank robbing.

Banks? Plural?

How many times did you do that, Charlie?

I don't know. A few.

You don't know?

Maybe 12 or 13.

"Maybe"? Maybe a dozen?

Maybe a baker's dozen? You're not sure?

No. It was 13.

Yes, it was absolutely 13. This is why I didn't tell you about this.

Because I knew you were going to react this way.

Who wouldn't react this way, Charlie? A sociopath?

Look, I have a terrible past. I'm sorry about that.

But it has nothing to do with us.

How'd you do it? How'd you get off, Charlie?

You testified against your friends to save your own ass?

They were gonna charge Neve with accessory to murder because she cased the job.

So either I turned on Alex and Allen, who did the shooting, or Neve went to prison for the rest of her life.

Who is Neve?

The black girl in the station wagon.

Why aren't they in prison, Charlie?

They implied I wasn't a credible witness because I was...

You know, engaged to Neve.

You were engaged to a woman who plans bank robberies?

Who are you?

Listen. Sweetie. Please?


Pull the car over. I think I'm going to throw up.

I can't pull over right now, or Alex is gonna shoot both of us.

Then fucking lose them, Charlie! So you can let me out!

Hey, buddy! It's me from last night!

Yeah! The minivan! I could really use your help I'm at some abandoned airfield.

I cannot believe this is a fucking station wagon!

This shit is so fast!

We might not make this!

Watch out for Gil!

Fucking shit! Ah!



Ah, damn it! Pick up already.

Debby. It's not a good time.

Oh! Am I fucking up your massage?

'Cause you're fucking up mine!

I got a call from UC. Sandy's got some emergency tomorrow.

So you have to be there by 4:00 p.m. today.

That might be impossible.

Are you kidding me? I could leave Milton now and be there by 4:00.

Deb, I don't think you understand!

Annie, I am in the middle of something. Just get there!

Don't be a pussy.

Please pull over and find a place to let me out.

Annie? I want to talk about this. Okay?

Just let me drive you to L.A. and we can talk it out on the way.

You are engaged! You're a criminal!

If you don't pull over, I'm jumping out. And I'm not kidding!

Okay, okay, okay, okay!

Hold on a second, okay?

Annie! Hey! Where are you going?

You're going to walk aimlessly through an orange grove?

I did not lie to you!

Omitting is lying, Charlie!

What if I had sex with a co-worker and I didn't tell you that?

You wouldn't think that was a lie?

No! That would be a lie!

Because we're in a relationship and we owe each other those kind of details.

Look, whatever you're mad about happened before we ever met, okay?

Look! I have not violated your trust once since we met.

Except for completely lying about who you are.

Look, you may have had three-ways with dudes or smoked cocaine!

But if you had, just because you didn't disclose that to me, doesn't mean you're a liar!

I don't care what you did before we met.

All I care about is who you are now!

Really? So if I was a pedophile, if I had raped children, you wouldn't care about that?

If I had been a member of the Ku Klux Klan? No biggie?

You wouldn't feel like a complete idiot for having fallen in love with me?

Buddy, I...

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I was ashamed. And I was embarrassed.

And I thought we would just live in Milton for the rest of our lives and be happy and have babies.

And I would be Charlie. And that would be that.

What if I did tell you? Be honest.

Would you have fallen in love with me?

I don't know!

And I'm never gonna know, because you took that decision away from me.

But yes, Charlie! I find it very difficult to believe that someone who justified robbing 13 banks would ever not be that type of person.

It's not exactly the high profile background you look for when you're choosing someone to have a baby with.

You know, if I was an ex-drug addict or an ex-alcoholic, I guarantee you would be able to look past that.

That's not the point.

The bottom line is in any relationship you can either wallow in the person's past, or you can look at the person that's right in front of you and choose to move forward. But you can't do both.

I agree.

Then move forward with me.

But the person in front of me lied to me.

Whether you want to call it that or not, Charlie.

I need to get to L.A.

And I'm gonna do that without you.




Are you okay?

Yeah. I'm fine. Can you, um...

Can you drive me the rest of the way to L.A., please?

Of course.

Or would you rather go back to our house and digest all this?

No, Gil. I just want to get to L.A.

I can do that.

Why don't you hop in and I'll gather all your belongings?


Hey, asshole. Do not even think about tailing us. I'm serious.

Or what? You're gonna stab me with that knife?

I could, if you charged me.

Yeah? Okay. I'm terrified.

Yeah, well, you're the aggressor.

Listen. I still think you're a fucking turd.

But I'm sorry that I clocked you and I appreciate you taking Annie to L.A.

You're welcome.

Oh, and we know who got the best of who in that scuffle.

So, if you forgot, just ask your previous shirt.

I will.

GIL: You got your seatbelt on?

He's not answering.

Oh, my God! Uh, Pounce him!

Use your app. Your Pouncer app. And Pounce him.

Oh, my God! You're brilliant. Okay.

I see him! He's on here! Okay, um...

Go straight.

He's right there. He's right there. He's right there.


Oh, my God.

What the hell happened?

Was he executed?

I don't know.



I hit my head.

Let's go!

You okay?

You want to pull over and have a warm meal, or...

Or would you rather process?


You process.


You okay?

Yeah. Ah!


Don't even think about it!

Let me go!


Gil! What the fuck?

Annie? Yul?

How you doing, buddy?

Where are you right now? Where's Annie? having some French fries and onion rings. Why don't you come down?

Don't be a fucking asshole, Alex.

I'd hurry up if I were you. Neve's mad-dogging the hell out of her.



You look really good, Yul.

You used to look older than Alex, but now you look younger. It's crazy.

He looks good. Doesn't he, babe?

I don't know. Who gives a shit?

Really, baby?

Yeah, well, I would have asked for your permission, but you kind of fell off the map, didn't you?

Well, I don't know what to tell you, man.

Yeah, I do fucking hate you. You betrayed me.

Okay? We were best friends and you testified against me.

You know what? Fuck you.

You fucking betrayed me. You fucking shot a dude, man!

You put us all in this shitty mess where I got to pick between my fiancée and my best friend!

That's your fucking fault! So fuck you!

Oh! I'm sorry. You were inside the bank?

No. I forgot about that!

You were inside the bank and you saw the security guard pointing a fucking gun at Allen.

Oh, no! No, you weren't!

You were in the fucking car trying to change the fucking oldies station!

I'm sure the $6 an hour fucking retard was gonna shoot Allen.

Are you kidding me? He would have shot me!

You don't fucking know! Shut the fuck up, Allen!

You don't get to do that. What do you want?

You're not in this fucking circle. Sorry, Allen.

What do you want? I want money.

That's it, bro. I don't want anything else.

You got it. Let's go to my dad's right now.

Let her out of the car. Let's go.

No. She's gonna come with. Let's go.

Stay in the car. Hold on a second, dude.

You're gonna fucking turn this into kidnapping?

Hey, no. I'm being serious. Alex? Please listen to me.

You're gonna risk going to prison when I'm cooperating? I don't get it.

'Cause you owe me, motherfucker!

I want you to feel the fucking uncomfortable situation I was in.

You got off! What are you talking about?

Oh, my God? Eight months! Are you fucking crazy?

I've been in Siberia for four years!

The fucking arrogance of you, man!

I don't understand? What? You fucking didn't like the gym equipment?

There wasn't enough time for you to read?

I got butt-fucked.

I got fucked in the butt because of you.


That's horrible. I did not realize that happened in jail.

I thought that was a prison thing.

Yeah, well...

I guess it's not exclusive to prisons.

Well, I mean, you've never been, like, a homophobe.

It seems like something you probably worked through.

You're a strong dude.

I don't think homophobia has anything to do with it.

The guy was disgusting.

If I was gay I would still want to come after you.

I'm really sorry.

I'm really, really sorry.

Was it a black guy?

No, it wasn't a black guy.

That's a pretty fucking racist thing to say.

You think that's racist? Yeah.

I think that's the opposite of racist.

I don't think it would make a black guy gay to fuck a white dude because we're such pussies compared to them.

What the fuck are you even talking about right now?

I'm saying if I was a black dude I wouldn't feel the least bit gay I would think a white guy is just like masculine chicks.

Like, Ellen. She's masculine, but I would totally fuck her if I were single.

I wasn't fucked by a black guy.


Can we just go? Okay.

Was it a Mexican guy?


Oh, man.

Was it one of those white guys? Those fucking Nazis?

No! It was not a fucking white guy, either.

Charlie? It doesn't matter who violated him. Okay?

It could have been any number of people.

It doesn't matter their race, okay?

It could have been Latino. It could have been Tongan.

It could have been a Persian... It was Filipino!

I was butt-fucked by a Filipino dude, okay?

Does that fucking solve your dilemma of what part of the world my ass traveled to?


I mean, I don't think... That's not so bad.

I mean, just like all black dudes think of us as women, I think of all Asians as women, you know? Even the men.

I feel like you basically hooked up with an Asian lady.

Charlie, just... No, I didn't hook up with anybody, bro. I was raped.

Okay, listen, I don't...

Fucking hooked up?

I feel partly responsible for this and I'm really sorry.

Well that's a weird angle, bro.

Fucking back up, Randy!

Gil, what the fuck are you doing out here?

They have Annie. Alex Dmitri took her.

Get in the van. Ride with him.

Let's go!


Hey, you remember my dad lives at 1805 Burns in Spicewood, right?

I don't remember a place I've been to 200 times, no.

1805 Spicewood in Burns, California.

Write that down. Write that down.

Look at this guy. Ringing the doorbell to his own house.

What's wrong?

I have not talked to my dad since I got arrested, so...

Yeah, but that's not your fault.

He knows you can't contact your family.

No. You can.

Charlie, you told me that you couldn't contact your family.

I did not tell you that. You might have assumed that.

But I never said that. Okay, fine. Forget it.

Why haven't you talked to your dad?

I don't know, uh...

Shame? Fucking demoralizing shame?

That's been four years coming.

And you deserve more than just that.

I know.

Yeah, I don't know what pisses me off the most, Yul.

The fact that you got involved in all that shit, or that you ran off like a coward when everything blew up.

I didn't raise that person.

That's not my son.

And you used the Lincoln.

Our project car.

Makes me sick!

Yeah. Me too.

Now, why are you all together again?

Not by choice.

I buried something in the pasture that Alex wants.

Hey, Mr. Perrkins. How are you? Good to see you.

Mr. Perrkins.

Now, who's this one?

This is Annie. She is my, or was, my girlfriend.

Prior to all this being revealed.

Hi. Nice to meet you, sir.

Clint Perrkins.

Good. Good. Good. This feels right. This feels right.

Want to go to the pasture?

Good to see you.

You know I'm going to shoot you in the back of the head if you don't find this money? You know that?

What are you going to do with this money, Alex?

They know the serial numbers on half these bills.

I don't think they're gonna be caring about serial numbers in Iraq, bro.

Get the fuck out of here.

You're going to buy dinar?

How the fuck do you know about dinar?

If you buy $100,000 worth of dinar and it goes to the value of the Kuwait dollar, you're looking at

$300,000,000. $300,000,000.

Heaven forbid either of you ever worked for something.

Hey, Clint? Why don't you think of this gun as a microphone?

When it's not in your hand you shut the fuck up. Okay?

It's none of my business, but just so you know, the Charlie that...

Yul, that I've known for the past year I think is the one that you were trying to raise.

He's actually a pretty good boy.


Hey, give me that shovel!

Boy, you look like a monkey fucking a football.

Oh, I got it, Pops. Thanks.

Allen. Let him do it.

That is bullshit, though.

Hey, uh...

I'm sorry I disappeared like that.

I couldn't handle letting you down on top of everything else.

It was just too much for me. And it was cowardly. And I'm sorry.

I'm racing Class 1 now.

Get out of here. Class 1?

Yep. I bought a Tatum, 700 horse.

You should drive it.

Motherfucker will go over or through anything.

It's a...

Good luck with the dinar.

Oh, man.

It's gonna be huge, Yul. if you weren't such a shitty motherfucking friend.

All right. Let's go.

Don't touch me! What, bitch?

Ow! Hey, hey, hey, hey!

You want to see me act like a fucking degenerate, bitch?

Get off her! Alex, man, you've got the fucking money! Just go!

Annie's coming with us.

When the deal is made and the cops aren't called No one's calling the cops. Just please, take the money.

I'm not fucking asking you a question.

Go! Go, baby, get him!






In here? Is this it?

No, no! That's not a Tatum!

What a bone grow.

Come on! Let's go!

You open that door!

Seatbelts! Seatbelts!

Turn it on!

Uh, okay.

Jesus! Look at all this shit!

Start this ridiculous vehicle!

Okay! I'm trying! I'm trying!

You're gonna catch a fucking stray!

Power! I've got power!

Come on, motherfucker!


What the fuck just happened?

What are you doing?

I can't leave my dad in that field.

Looks like he's got it under control!


Come on, motherfucker!

Give me your gun!

Get out of the car! Lady! Grab some dirt!

Get your fucking hands up!

I got him! I shot him! He's shot!

He's shot. He's shot! He's shot, look!

I don't think they're following us anymore!

I can't see a goddamn thing. Are you sure?


Okay, you know what? It's 2:30.

So I think we're just gonna have to chance it.

Well, I mean, we've got to get on the freeway to get to UC from here.

And this thing isn't exactly highway legal.

So I think we should...

I can call a cab.

But you don't have time to call a cab.

Then I'll be late. Or I won't make it.

But I don't want you getting arrested over this.

I don't care if I get arrested, okay?

I promised you that I was gonna get you to this interview, and I'm gonna do that.

I don't have a job.

I don't have any friends.

You don't love me anymore.

So my word is really all I've got going for me.

I don't not love you.

I'm just terrified that I don't know you.

I mean, between your fake name and those were your friends?

Annie, Annie, Annie, Annie.

You know me.

You do.

You know me more than anyone.

And I'm gonna be the exact same person you met and fell in love with for the rest of my life.

Do you think you can be the exact same person except not say "fag" when you really mean "lame"?

And not buy into get-rich-quick schemes that profit from war-torn countries?


I'll even throw in stereotyping.


Let's go.

I'm gonna go ahead and call horseshit on the 60 yards, Anderson.

Horseshit, my ass. Yeah, horseshit.

That shot was in excess of 60 yards, sir. Okay.

And you thought you could use Big Red's revolver instead of your own Sig? This whole thing stinks.

I was out of ammunition from a previous exchange.

Yeah, okay.

I noticed that you modified your vehicle too.

A little bit more of an underhaul, wasn't it? Did you see that? Good God.

It was an extreme pursuit where I was temporarily airborne.

You want to lay down? Take a quick sit?

You've clearly got professional health problems.

My chest hurts just looking at you.

You've got total disregard for equipment.

But somehow... Somehow you managed to take down Dmitri without any help.

And that, my friend, that's impressive. Is it not?

Well, I did receive some vital backup from Officer Rathbinn.

Thank you.

That's you, ginge?

Yeah. Good God.

I'm Terry.

Hey. Pat Rickman. Great job. Thank you.

You know, you're probably gonna get out of witness protection for this, big guy? Huh? Maybe even air marshal.

You like that? You like the sound of that?

Riding up front, first class, gun at the ready?

From your mouth to Grant's ears.

I'm gonna whisper it right in there.

I'm gonna see him this afternoon.

I'll make sure he knows everything.

Yeah, we are.

Hey. We'll even throw your name in there.


Are you interested in being a U.S. marshal?

100%. I'm in.

Well, good.

Are you going to borrow a condom or can we go?

We can go. Okay.

Nice going.

Mike's gonna be back give you guys a ride a little bit later.

I'm proud of you! Well done!

Way to go green, asshole.

It's bio-diesel, friend.

Okay. You set?

That was pretty amazing. Right?

Will you acknowledge how cool that was?

Yeah. It was cool.

Are you all right? Are you ready? No.

I'm not. I don't have my teaching certificate.

I am covered in mud. I look like a transient.

Put your head back. Close your eyes.


Take a few deep breaths.

This is the only moment you need to worry about.

You're not late for anything. We made it.

You're not missing anything.

You're exactly where you are supposed to be.

And you're exactly who you are supposed to be.

And you are absolutely perfect.

And if you're up for it I will spend every moment with you for the rest of your life.

I'm up for it.

Oh, buddy.

Okay, buddy. I've got to go now because there's a job in there that they want to give me.

Go get it.

Good luck.

How do I look?


You look great. Nice buns!

Shut up.

Deep breath.

No matter what happens today you are an amazing person.

The test does not have the power to define you or validate you.

What the fuck? Why do you still have your Pouncer app?

Why are you going through my fucking phone?

I'm not!

You are! You're snooping because you have major trust issues.

Yes, I've got a lot of issues.

Okay? No shit. And this doesn't help.

I just didn't erase it, okay? Not a big deal.

You promise? Yes, I promise.

Okay, you're going to be great today.

You're going to be a great marshal. I know. Let's go.

No, thank you! Um...

I'm with somebody!

Excuse me?

On the phone!

Come back later, please! Office hours don't start until next week!

I'm sorry. I can't hear you through the door!

Having trouble hearing you. Hi! I'm Annie Bean.

Sandy Osterman.

Please? Come in.

I'm sorry.

I have a medical condition.

Are you okay?

Did you sleep in an outhouse before you came here?

No, I apologize. I know I look unprofessional, and I shouldn't have been covered in dirt.

I'm sorry. It's my fault.

I was deflecting because I was embarrassed about the smoke...

My vaporizer was broke. It's not important. Please, just come over and sit down.

My sister Debby told me how wonderful you were.

Wait. You're Debby's brother?


That's funny. She kept referring to you as she and her.

She has thought that was funny since we were nine.

That would make me feel really marginalized.

That's exactly how it felt.

I like you.

I think you should work here.

I would love to! Yes!

I mean, definite.