Home Fries (1998) Script

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.

* THE SWEET, SWEET MEMORIES YOU GAVE-A ME *

* YOU CAN'T BEAT *

* THE MEMORIES YOU GAVE-A ME *

Dean Martin: * TAKE ONE FRESH AND TENDER KISS *

* YOU CAN'T BEAT THE MEMORIES YOU GAVE-A ME *

* ADD ONE STOLEN NIGHT OF BLISS *

* YOU CAN'T BEAT THE MEMORIES YOU GAVE-A ME *

* ONE GIRL, ONE BOY *

* SOME GRIEF, SOME JOY *

* MEMORIES ARE MADE OF THIS *

Girl: WELCOME TO BURGER-MATIC. CAN I TAKE YOUR ORDER, PLEASE?

Man: THE USUAL-- VANILLA MILK SHAKE...

VERY TALL, VERY COLD.

Girl: $1.03. DRIVE THROUGH.

Man: HA HA! IT'S ME, HONEY.

Girl: UH-HUH. DRIVE THROUGH.

* YOUR LIPS AND MINE *

* 2 SIPS OF WINE *

* MEMORIES ARE MADE OF THIS *

* YOU CAN'T BEAT THE MEMORIES YOU GAVE-A ME *

* MEMORIES ARE MADE OF THIS *

* YOU CAN'T BEAT THE MEMORIES YOU GAVE-A ME *

* MEMORIES ARE MADE OF THIS *

$1.03.

HONEY, I DID IT, JUST LIKE YOU WANTED. MADE A CLEAN BREAK.

MY WIFE KNOWS ABOUT US.

HOW?

WELL, UM...

SHE ASKED ME IF I WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR, AND I SAID YES.

DID YOU TELL HER ABOUT THIS?

UM...

$1.03.

YEAH.

HERE.

KEEP THE CHANGE.

BABY, YOU'RE CLOSING UP TONIGHT, AREN'T YOU?

HOW ABOUT LETTING ME GIVE YOU A RIDE HOME?

I DON'T NEED A RIDE HOME.

I NEED A FATHER FOR MY BABY.

I KNOW, I KNOW, BUT TONIGHT, HOW ABOUT JUST LETTING ME GIVE YOU A RIDE HOME?

ALL YOU WANT TO DO IS POKE DENTS IN THE TOP OF MY BABY'S HEAD.

WHY DON'T YOU GO ON HOME, YOU OLD FOOL?

BACK TO YOUR WIFE.

* WITH HIS BLESSINGS FROM ABOVE *

* YOU CAN'T BEAT THE MEMORIES YOU GAVE-A ME *

* SERVE IT GENEROUSLY WITH LOVE *

* YOU CAN'T BEAT THE MEMORIES YOU GAVE-A ME *

* ONE MAN, ONE WIFE *

* ONE LOVE, TWO LIVES *

* MEMORIES ARE MADE OF THIS *

* YOU CAN'T BEAT THE MEMORIES YOU GAVE-A ME *

* MEMORIES ARE MADE OF THIS *

Junior Wells: * THEY'LL TAKE YOUR HOUSE AND YOUR HOME *

* THEY'LL TAKE THE FLESH FROM YOUR BONES *

[SLURP]

* THEY'LL TAKE THE SHIRT OFF YOUR BACK *

* WHY ARE PEOPLE LIKE THAT? *


[STARTS ENGINE]

Man: YEE-HOO!

SOMEONE'S GOING TO SEE. I'M TELLING YOU.

LOOK AT THIS GUY!

[OVER HEADPHONES] WHOO-HOO! GODDAMN, WHAT A DRIVER!

WHO'S DOING ALL THAT TALKING?

ALL RIGHT, I GOT HIM.

I DON'T KNOW. IT SOUNDS LIKE TRUCKERS.

SALLY, YOU'RE CLEANING THE SHAKE MACHINE TONIGHT.

UH!

[STRUGGLING WITH SEAT BELT]

Man: THERE HE GOES. DON'T LOSE HIM. DON'T LOSE HIM.

Sally, over radio: I CLEANED THE SHAKE MACHINE YESTERDAY AND THE DAY BEFORE.

I'VE GOT SENIORITY...

WHO IS THAT?

WHAT'S YOUR BABY GOT TO DO WITH YOU CLEANING THE SHAKE MACHINE?

I ALMOST CUT MY KNUCKLES WIDE-OPEN ON THAT STIRRER THE LAST TIME.

I WAS BLEEDING LIKE A STUCK PIG.

WE'RE LOSING HIM.

THE TREES ARE TOO THICK.

ALL THAT DAMN HILLBILLY MUSIC YOU BE LISTENING TO UP IN THEM HEADPHONES-- THAT'S WHAT'S TRAUMATIC TO HIM.

WHERE'D HE GO?

Sally: I'VE GOT MONEY TO COUNT. YOU TALK TO BILLY.

BILLY!

GOD DAMN IT. WHO IS THAT?

I'M ON HIM. HE'S AT YOUR 3:00.

BILLY!

[GASPING AND COUGHING]


THAT'S ENOUGH. LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

WHO IS THIS? WHO'S ON THIS CHANNEL?

WHO IS ON THIS CHANNEL?

ROY, YOU CLEAN THIS SHAKE MACHINE.

YOU'RE NEWER, AND SHE'S PREGNANT.

Roy: BILLY, I'M LACTOSE-INTOLERANT, MAN.

THESE HEADPHONES ARE MESSED UP.

IT SOUNDS LIKE A WAR MOVIE.

[ROY YELLING OVER RADIO]

SHH.

POW.

NO. I'M NOT SHOOTING.

I'M NOT SHOOTING.

DISARM IT. YOU DISARM THAT.

I'M NOT DOING IT!

DISARM IT!

STOP! DISARM IT!

I'LL PUT THE FEAR OF GOD INTO HIM!

STOP!

[MACHINE GUN STOPS FIRING]


The Platters: * LIFE IS JUST A BOWL OF CHERRIES *

* DON'T MAKE IT SERIOUS *

* LIFE'S TOO MYSTERIOUS *

* YOU WORK *

* YOU SAVE *

* YOU WORRY SO *

GET A SHOT OF THE TWO OF US HERE.

* BUT YOU CAN'T TAKE YOUR DOUGH WHEN YOU GO, GO, GO *

I'LL PROBABLY GO STRAIGHT TO HELL FOR THAT, BUT I JUST COULDN'T PASS IT UP WITH HIM SITTING THERE LIKE THAT.

WHAT YOU GOT?

WELL, HIS NAME IS HENRY LEVER, WORKS UP AT THE CIGARETTE FACTORY.

I SEEN HIS CAR HALFWAY IN THE DITCH OVER THERE, AND, UH, I FOUND THESE PILLS IN THE WOODS THAT-A WAY.

THEY'RE HEART PILLS. GOT HIS NAME ON THEM.

I FIGURE HE DIED OF A HEART ATTACK.

I DON'T KNOW WHY HE COME WAY OUT HERE TO HAVE IT, THOUGH.

NO MORE SIGN OF FUNNY BUSINESS?

UH, NO, NOT THAT I COULD SEE.

STOP WASTING THAT FILM, THEN.

HIS WIFE BEEN CONTACTED?

NO, SIR.

WHY DON'T YOU GET ON OVER THERE, THEN?

[CAMERA TAKES PICTURE]

Chris Isaak: * BABY DID A BAD, BAD THING *

* BABY DID A BAD, BAD THING *

* BABY DID A BAD, BAD THING *

* BABY DID A BAD, BAD THING *

[INDISTINCT RADIO TRANSMISSIONS]

* BABY DID A BAD, BAD THING *

Man on radio: I NEED THE NEXT OF KIN OF A HENRY LEVER.

PLEASE VERIFY THE ADDRESS AT 1017 NORTH MAPLE.

Woman: 10-4. HEY, YOU GOING TO NEED A MORTUARY VEHICLE OUT YOUR WAY?

NO. I THINK WE CAN JUST PUT THE BODY IN THE FRONT SEAT.

10-4.

DID YOU GET THE SHELL CASINGS?

HEY.

[RADIO PLAYING THE COMMODORES' BRICK HOUSE]

SEE Y'ALL NEXT MONTH.

TAKE CARE.

YEAH, SEE YOU NEXT MONTH.

YOU KNOW, I JUST... I THINK THIS WENT A LITTLE TOO FAR.

YOU SAID WE WOULD JUST SCARE HIM.

WE DID JUST SCARE HIM.

YEAH.

DEAD.

DID YOU GET THE SHELL CASINGS?

DORIAN, DID YOU GET THE SHELL CASINGS?

I GOT THE DAMN SHELL CASINGS, ANGUS.

THEY'RE IN MY DUFFEL BAG.

YOU KNOW, WE HAVE SOME POSSIBLE LOOSE ENDS WE MIGHT HAVE TO DEAL WITH.

WHAT?

WE GOT A WOMAN, AND WE GOT 2 GUYS-- WILLIE AND RAY.

NOT THE PEOPLE ON THE RADIO.

OR WAS IT ROY?

I'M TELLING YOU, IT'S JUST RUN-OF-THE-MILL INTERFERENCE.

IT'S NO BIG DEAL.

WHAT? HOW BIG A RADIUS IS IT?

WHAT ELSE IS OUT THERE?

WELL, THERE'S A SAWMILL. THERE'S TED'S PLUMBING.

THERE'S A BURGER-MATIC ON 601.

I MEAN, THERE'S NOTHING OUT THERE.

WHAT?

THAT'LL BE $6.40, PLEASE.

Angus, whispering: ASK HER ABOUT--

NICE HEADPHONES.

ARE THEY VHF? SHE CAN'T HEAR.

FIND OUT IF THEY'RE VHF.

WE WERE JUST NOTICING YOUR HEADPHONES.

MY HEADPHONES?

OH, THESE. YOU KNOW, THEY ARE A REAL TIMESAVER.

SAVES A LOT OF RUNNING AROUND.

I BET YOU SOMETIMES CATCH A LITTLE INTERFERENCE ON THEM, HUH?

SHOOT. YOU SHOULD HAVE HEARD THE CHATTER LAST NIGHT.

A LOT OF TALKING, HUH?

YES, SIR.

OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?

PLEASE DON'T LET ANY KIDS PUT THESE TOYS IN THEIR MOUTHS BECAUSE A BABY GIRL IN TEXAS CHOKED ON ONE OF THESE LITTLE BALLOON RACERS ABOUT A MONTH AGO.

YES, MA'AM. REST ASSURED.

YOU-ALL COME BACK, NOW.

ABSOLUTELY.

A RADIO HEADPHONE SET. NOW, THAT IS FUNNY.

I MEAN...

ISN'T IT?

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

MS. BEATRICE LEVER?

YES.

MA'AM...

I REGRET TO INFORM YOU THAT WE FOUND THE BODY OF YOUR HUSBAND.

HE'S DEAD.

IT LOOKS TO HAVE BEEN A HEART ATTACK.

OH!

OK. OK.

HERE WE GO.

YOU OK, MA'AM?

HEART ATTACK?

YES, MA'AM.

NO, BUT I ALWAYS TELL HIM TO TAKE HIS PILLS.

HE ALWAYS DOES.

HE'S VERY GOOD ABOUT REMEM...

GOOD...ABOUT REMEMBERING THINGS.

[CRYING] OH, HENRY!

[DOOR CLOSES]

MOM.

Sheriff: UH, GENTLEMEN...

ARE YOU MEMBERS OF THE FAMILY?

MOM, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

Angus: WHAT HAPPENED? ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

[CRYING]


HELLO, MRS. VAUGHN.

YOU SHOULDN'T BE OUT WALKING IN YOUR CONDITION, CHILD.

WELL, MY MAMA'S CAR BROKE DOWN, BUT I WOULD APPRECIATE A RIDE.

WELL, I'M JUST GLAD I SAW YOU.

YOU HEADING HOME?

YES, MA'AM. DO YOU REMEMBER WHERE IT IS?

IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME, BUT I RECKON I DO.

WHEN'S THE BABY DUE?

LESS THAN A MONTH.

AND THEY STILL LETTING YOU WORK?

WELL, THEY'RE SHORT-HANDED AT THE RESTAURANT, AND I WORK AT THE DRIVE-THRU, AND THAT WAY, CUSTOMERS CAN'T SEE MY STOMACH THROUGH THE WINDOW.

WHERE'S THE FATHER?

HE'S AROUND...

SOMEWHERE...

WITH HIS WIFE.

HIS WIFE? OH, CHILD.

I DID NOT KNOW THAT HE WAS MARRIED UNTIL AFTER I CONCEIVED. HE LIED TO ME.

AND HE'S BEEN LYING TO HER, TOO, AND SHE NEEDS TO KNOW ALL THAT.

SHE NEEDS TO UNDERSTAND.

HONEY, DON'T HOLD YOUR BREATH WAITING FOR UNDERSTANDING.

I...I'M NOT GOING TO DO ANY WAITING.

WELL, THANK YOU, SHERIFF, FOR YOUR...

CONSIDERATION.


Dorian: MOM...

CAN YOU WASH THESE?

I'D APPRECIATE IT IF YOU'D GET THAT DOG OUT OF MY CLEAN KITCHEN.

HE'S CLEAN. I JUST WASHED HIM.

COME ON, BOY.

SO...YOUR CHEATING STEPFATHER FINALLY HAD HIS CORONARY?

OH...YEAH.

IT WAS A THING OF BEAUTY, MOM.

I MEAN, WE HAD THE TIMING DOWN TO THE SECOND.

I MEAN, IT WAS PERFECT.

I'M REALLY STARTING TO THINK I HAVE A HEAD FOR LOGISTICS. I MEAN, SERIOUSLY.

YOU DID IT.

I MEAN, THERE WAS NO BULLETS, JUST BLANKS.

THERE WAS NO SHELL CASINGS.

THERE WAS NO TRACKS.

THERE WAS NO SIGNS OF VIOLENCE WHATSOEVER.

I MEAN, THERE WAS NO CLUES. IT WAS GREAT.

YOU KILLED HIM.

WELL, YEAH. THAT'S...

WHAT YOU WANTED, WASN'T IT?

ANGUS, I NEVER ACTUALLY USED THE WORD "KILL."

DORIAN, DID I?

NO, MA'AM.

NO.

[SHELL CASINGS RATTLING]

WELL, HE'S DEAD?

YES, MA'AM.

YES, MA'AM.

YES, MA'AM. YES, MA'AM.

HE'S DEAD.

NO.

NO ONE...

WILL EVER HAVE TO KNOW.

WHAT?

WELL, I MEAN, THERE'S NO REAL WITNESSES.

MAYBE ONE. I DON'T KNOW. WE'LL FIND OUT.

THE GIRL AT THE BURGER-MATIC?

SHE DOESN'T KNOW ANYTHING.

MAYBE SOMEONE ELSE THAT WORKS THERE DOES.

WHY DON'T YOU GET A JOB THERE, AND THAT WAY--

NO!

I'VE SUCCESSFULLY AVOIDED WORKING THERE THIS LONG, AND IT'S YOUR IDEA. YOU CAN DO IT, ANGUS.

YOU LOOK PERFECT.

ABSOLUTELY NOT!

ARGUE SOMEPLACE ELSE. I'VE GOT CALLS TO MAKE.

SORRY, MOM. WE'LL MAKE SURE THERE'S NO LOOSE ENDS.

DORIAN, YOUR HAT.

HELMET, MA. IT'S A HELMET.

HELMET. GET YOUR HELMET OFF MY TABLE.

Dorian: I GOT TO WEAR A HAIR NET AND A PAPER HAT?

NOBODY OVER 14 WORKING AT BURGER-MATIC.

I'M 24 YEARS OLD.

[WHISPERING] Settle down!

[SADLY] HI, MARY.

YEAH, IT'S BEATRICE.

UH-HUH.

OH, I KNOW IT'S BEEN A WHILE.

I JUST THOUGHT I MIGHT LET YOU... HENRY'S DEAD.

MARY, I DON'T KNOW.

[SOBBING SOFTLY]

THANK YOU, MRS. VAUGHN.

MAMA?

MAMA, I'VE MADE A DECISION.

HENRY DID NOT TELL HIS WIFE, SO I'M GOING TO TELL HER.

YOU CAN'T GO OVER THERE TODAY.

WHY NOT? I'LL FIND A RIDE.

BAD NEWS AT THE CIGARETTE FACTORY.

AT THE CIGARETTE FACTORY?

WHAT HAPPENED?

I HATE YOU.

BELIEVE ME, I WOULD DO THIS IF I COULD.

IT'S JUST YOU'RE SO MUCH BETTER AT RECON THAN I AM.

I'M GUESSING THAT NO ONE IN THERE IS GOING TO KNOW ANYTHING.

IT'S JUST A MATTER OF KEEPING OUR LOOSE ENDS TIED TOGETHER, YOU KNOW?

JUST GO IN THERE AND MINGLE WITH THE NATIVES.

TAKE THE OLD PISTOLA.

GEE, YOU THINK THAT ONE WILL BE ENOUGH?

MAYBE I SHOULD TAKE A COUPLE HAND GRENADES IN.

HOW WOULD THAT BE? I MEAN, COULD YOU BE MORE PARANOID?

PLEASE!

IT'S JUST IN CASE, ALL RIGHT?

I'D APPRECIATE IT.

IT'S JUST, YOU KNOW, THIS IS MY FIRST JOB, NOT COUNTING THE ARMY OR THE GUARD, SO...

CHILL OUT. JUST, UH...

WELL, JUST GO IN THERE.

[SIGHS]

HE'S NOT GOING TO ASK ME FOR A RESUME, IS HE?

IT'S NOT THAT KIND OF JOB.

IT'S THE BURGER-MATIC! STAND STRAIGHT, LOOK HIM IN THE EYE.

IT'S ALL ABOUT FIRST IMPRESSIONS.

THAT'S ALL IT IS-- FIRST IMPRESSIONS, AND YOU CAN DO THAT.

NOW GO IN THERE. YOU'LL DO FINE.

DON'T LET ANYONE SEE THAT GUN.

OH, REALLY? I GET THE TRUCK TOMORROW.

IT'S NOT REGISTERED.

[SALLY CRYING]

Billy: NO ONE EXPECTS YOU TO WORK TODAY.

WHY DON'T YOU CALL SOMEONE, GET THEM TO TAKE YOU HOME?

NO. I'LL BE ALL RIGHT, BILLY.

YOU SURE?

YEAH.

LET ME KNOW IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND, ALL RIGHT?

[SNIFFLING] OK.

HERE YOU GO.

THANK YOU.

SURE.

[BLOWING NOSE]

[CLEARS THROAT]

UNDER "DEPENDENTS" ON THIS W-4, YOU THINK I SHOULD PUT ONE OR ZERO?

I'VE KIND OF NEVER DONE THE W-4.

MY MAN...HE CARRIED A HANDKERCHIEF WITH HIM WHEREVER HE WENT.

YEAH?

[SNIFFLES]

DID SOMEBODY... DIE OR SOMETHING HERE?

[SOBBING]

UH...

[CLEARS THROAT]

SALLY, SWEETIE, COME ON.

COME ON, SWEETIE.

IT'S OK. COME ON.

ALL RIGHT, THEN.

LET'S SUIT YOU UP AND GET YOU GOING ON THE GRILL.

ROY HERE WILL TEACH YOU EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT SANDWICH ASSEMBLY.

ROY...RIGHT.

HOW YOU DOING?

ALL RIGHT, THIS IS HOW YOU MAKE A BIG BUZZ DOUBLE CHEESEBURGER.

RIGHT BOTTOM BUN, BOTTOM BEEF, BOTTOM CHEESE, MIDDLE BUN, TOP BEEF, TOP CHEESE, SPECIAL SAUCE, 3 ONIONS, 3 PICKLES, SOME LETTUCE, TOP BUN, PUT IT IN A BOX, SLIDE IT DOWN CHUTE, SAY, "BIG BUZZ DOUBLE CHEESEBURGER."

SO, ROY, TELL ME ABOUT THE HEADPHONES Y'ALL WEAR.

HEY, MAN, DON'T BE SCRATCHING YOURSELF WHILE YOU'RE ASSEMBLING THE PRODUCT, MAN.

THAT'S NASTY, MAN.

WILL I EVENTUALLY GET MY OWN SET OF HEADPHONES?

YEAH, MAN, BUT YOU GOT TO CRAWL BEFORE YOU WALK.

FIRST YOU LEARN PRODUCT ASSEMBLY.

THEN YOU GET YOUR HEADPHONES.

NOW PUT THIS DOUBLE CHEESEBURGER TOGETHER LIKE I SHOWED YOU.

I DON'T KNOW, ROY. YOU THINK I'M READY?

SO...WITH THESE HEADPHONES, YOU EVER HEAR ANYTHING WEIRD ON THEM, LIKE INTERFERENCE?

YEAH, MAN! COME ON! THIS AIN'T RADIO SHACK!

PUT THIS THING TOGETHER LIKE I SHOWED YOU!

CHOP-CHOP NOW! PUT THE PICKLES ON BEFORE YOU PUT ON THE ONIONS. 3 PICKLES, NOT 4.

THIS AIN'T PICKLE BURGER.

ONLY GIVE THEM 4 IF THEY ASK FOR IT.

I KNOW IT TAKES TIME. YOU NEED PRACTICE.

NOW, COME ON, NOW. YOU GOT TO MOVE.

HOW DO YOU MAKE A WHOPPER?

MAN, THAT'S BURGER KING!

BILLY HEAR YOU SAY THAT, HE'LL FIRE YOUR ASS!

OK, OK. LET ME TRY AGAIN.

ROY, WHAT KIND OF MEAT ARE WE USING HERE?

THIS IS...

[CHILDREN SHOUTING]

HI, MAMA.

HI, BABY.

[KISS]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BENNY.

DOES BENNY AND HIS FRIENDS LIKE BUZZ BURGER-MATIC?

Children: YEAH!

I'LL GO GET HIM.

Dorian: IS THIS SOME KIND OF INITIATION?

THE KIDS ARE GOING TO DIG THIS.

BUZZ MOVES REAL FAST, THOUGH.

ALL RIGHT? I MEAN, YOU HAVE GOT TO RUN AROUND THESE KIDS, BECAUSE THE THEORY BEHIND BUZZ BURGER-MATIC IS HE'S A SUPERSONIC ROBOT THAT DELIVERS THE FOOD AT LIGHTNING SPEED.

IS THAT THE THEORY, YEAH?

YOU CAN'T BE SUPERSONIC, BUT YOU'VE ALWAYS GOT TO WALK AND TALK REAL FAST.

OTHERWISE, THE KIDS WON'T BUY IT.

DO I GET PAID EXTRA FOR THIS?

NO.

[MUMBLING] GOT A THEORY ABOUT THAT.

WHERE DO I CHANGE, BILLY?

THERE'S A FRANCHISE RULE ABOUT DISROBING IN THE REST ROOMS.

SO, YOU GOT A CAR OUT HERE?

NO.

WELL, JUST FIND A PLACE, ALL RIGHT?

I'D APPRECIATE IT.

[ROY LAUGHING SOFTLY]

HA HA HA!

[SHOTGUN BEING COCKED]

UH-OH.

Man: BOY, WHERE YOU GOING?

GET YOUR SORRY ASS OUT HERE!

YOU, TOO, SWEETHEART! COME ON!

WHAT?

COME ON!

I WANT YOU ALL TO SIT DOWN OVER THERE!

KEEP YOUR HANDS UP!

STAY THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY!

[GUNMAN CONTINUES SHOUTING ORDERS]

Gunman: ...A MINUTE OR 2.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LITTLE MAN.

HI, SWEETHEART. YOU SURE IS SHOWING GOOD.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

I JUST WANT YOU-ALL TO KNOW THAT I AIN'T WITH HIM ANYMORE, THAT I HAVEN'T BEEN WITH HIM SINCE THE 14th DAY OF JULY THIS YEAR, WHEN I SLAPPED A RESTRAINING ORDER ON HIS BIG, FAT, DRUNK ASS.

Y'ALL THINK I'D NORMALLY TOTE A GUN TO MY CHILD'S SEVENTH BIRTHDAY--

IT'S HIS EIGHTH BIRTHDAY, FOOL!

[ARGUING CONTINUES]

VIOLATING A RESTRAINING ORDER!

[BANGING]

Gunman: HEY, YOU'RE BUZZ BURGER-MATIC.

WE DIDN'T DO IT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THE FREEZER?

YOU'RE NOT A COP?

HEY! GET OUT THERE WITH EVERYBODY ELSE!

BRING YOUR HANDS.

HEY, BENNY.

COME HERE, SON.

LOOK WHO'S HERE TO SEE YOU.

RED, PLEASE LEAVE THAT MAN ALONE.

BENNY, COME ON OVER HERE, SON.

LOOK WHO I BROUGHT YOU.

SUIT UP, BUZZ, AND WAVE TO MY BOY.

HELLO THERE, BENNY.

COME ON!

YOU GONNA DO US A SHOW.

HEY, KIDS!

THIS HERE'S BUZZ BURGER-MATIC!

Y'ALL LIKE HIM, DON'T YOU?

UH, HEY, BUZZ... THIS AIN'T MASS.

YOU KNOW, YOU CAN DO SOMETHING FUNNY.

LIKE WHAT?

RACK YOUR BRAIN!

UH...

MOVE FAST!

BUZZ BURGER-MATIC, HE MOVES FAST.

[COSTUME SQUEAKING]

HOP THROUGH SPACE!

COME ON. HOP THROUGH SPACE, LITTLE BUDDY!

YOU GOT A QUARTER?

DOES ANYBODY HAVE A QUARTER?

JUST A QUARTER.

HERE YOU GO.

WOW, LOOK AT THAT, LITTLE BUDDY.

OH! LOOK AT THAT!

LOOK AT THAT! A BRAND-NEW QUARTER!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

I COULD HAVE DONE THAT!

[GUNSHOT]

WOO!

WHOA!

Roy: KICK THE MOTHER ON HIS BUTT!

[APPLAUSE AND CHILDREN CHEERING]

BENNY, BENNY, COME HERE.

Dorian: I GOT A MAGIC TRICK FOR YOU, MISTER.

HOW ABOUT I MAKE YOUR FRIGGIN' HEAD DISAPPEAR? HOW DOES THAT SOUND?

DORIAN, MAN, BE CAREFUL.

HELL, NO! KICK HIS ASS SOME MORE!

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

I DON'T THINK HE MEANT TO HURT ANYBODY.

HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?

'CAUSE HE'S MY DADDY.

HIS NAME IS RED, JUST LIKE IT SAYS ON HIS HAT.

NOW, WHEN HE'S SOBER, I'VE SEEN HIM SHOOT WASPS RIGHT OUT OF THE HOUSE, BUT WHEN HE'S DRUNK, HE GETS STUPID AND ORNERY.

YOU SON OF A GUN.

Woman: YOU DIDN'T EVEN HAVE ANY BULLETS IN THAT THING, DID YOU?

Red: NO.

WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM--A MANIAC?

OHH...

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR RADIO]

I WAS HELPING TO KICK HIS ASS, AND I BLACKED OUT.

[WOMAN TALKING OVER POLICE RADIO]

Dorian: WHAT? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

THERE'S A GUY WITH A SHOTGUN AND LITTLE KIDS EVERYWHERE.

WHAT DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO?

YOU PULL SOME KARATE MOVE ON A BIG, FAT DRUNK GUY?

AND YOU'RE WEARING A DAMN CLOWN SUIT?

ROBOT SUIT.

LIKE WE NEED THE PUBLICITY.

I MEAN, WHY COULDN'T YOU JUST COWER LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE?

DID YOU PRESS CHARGES?

NO. GUY'S WIFE BEAT ME TO IT.

GOOD.

WHAT DID YOU FIND OUT TODAY?

NOTHING MUCH.

"NOTHING MUCH," MEANING THERE'S NOTHING MUCH TO FIND OUT OR "NOTHING MUCH," MEANING I JUST SAT AROUND IN MY ROBOT SUIT ALL DAY?

"NOTHING MUCH," MEANING "EAT ME!"

THERE'S NOTHING TO FIND OUT, ANGUS.

NOBODY KNOWS ANYTHING IN THERE.

ARE YOU 100% SURE?

YES. YES, I AM.

NO, NO, YOU'RE NOT.

YOU'RE NOT 100% SURE.

I AM 100% SURE.

DORIAN, THIS REQUIRES EXTREME PRECISION ON YOUR PART.

YOU'RE NOT BEING PRECISE.

WE HAVE NO ROOM FOR ERROR HERE, ALL RIGHT?

[SIGHS]

SHIT!

I GUESS I'M GOING TO HAVE TO GO GET A JOB THERE NOW.

WHAT?!

YOU GET YOUR WISH.

YOU GET TO STAY HOME FROM SCHOOL TOMORROW.

NO, NO.

I'M GOING TO GO IN THERE AND CLEAR THIS WHOLE THING UP.

I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT, ANGUS.

I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT, ALL RIGHT?

I'M ALREADY IN THERE AND EVERYTHING, SO I'LL JUST KEEP NOSING AROUND FOR US.

MA BETTER NOT FIND OUT ABOUT THIS.

Angus: MA...

WE'RE HOME.

YOU, UH...

LOOKING FOR SOMETHING?

PROPHYLACTICS.

RAINBOW-COLORED ONES, AT THAT.

THEY'RE NOT YOURS.

NO. NO, MA'AM.

NO.

NO. NO, THEY BELONG TO YOUR ROTTEN STEPFATHER, NOT FOR MY BENEFIT, OBVIOUSLY.

I NEVER FELT ANY RAINBOWS.

OH, NOW, MOM... YOU DON'T NEED TO--

THEY HAVEN'T BEEN OPENED.

WELL, I COULD ONLY ASSUME THAT WHORE OF HIS PREFERRED THINGS AU NATUREL.

MOM, WAS THERE, UH, WAS THERE SOMETHING THAT WE COULD HELP YOU FIND?

GET THAT DAMN DOG OUT OF HERE!

GRITS! COME ON, GRITS! COME ON.

YOUR STEPFATHER GAVE YOU THAT DOG, DIDN'T HE?

YEAH...WHY?

MOM, WAS THERE SOMETHING WE COULD HELP YOU FIND IN PARTICULAR?

UH...ARTIFACTS OF YOUR STEPFATHER IN GENERAL...

A WOMAN'S ADDRESS IN PARTICULAR.

I WANT TO KNOW WHO THAT JEZEBEL WAS THAT HENRY WAS SEEING.

JEZEBEL.

THAT'S A GOOD ONE, MOM.

ODDLY ENOUGH, I DREAMT ABOUT HER LAST NIGHT.

I COULDN'T SEE HER FACE CLEARLY FOR, OF COURSE, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE, BUT IT WAS HER.

I GATHERED THAT SHE WAS CAUCASIAN, AND THIS WAS AN INTERESTING OBSERVATION BECAUSE HER BODY WAS BLACK.

SHE HAD THE BODY OF A HUGE, HAIRY, BLACK ANT, A QUEEN ANT.

ABOUT AS BIG AS A BUS, I WOULD SAY.

JUST A DREAM, BUT A DISTURBED ONE.

WHAT DID--WHAT DID THE BIG ANT DO, MOM?

DORIAN, I WOULD APPRECIATE IT IF YOU WOULD USE A KLEENEX.

I RAISED YOU BETTER THAN THAT.

I'M JUST SCRATCHING. DAMN IT.

SHE SHAMED MY FAMILY.

WELL, WE'LL-- WE'LL FIND HER, MOM.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. WE'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.

WHOA! WHAT ARE WE--THE MAFIA?

NOT ANOTHER ONE. MOM!

THIS IS A REAL BAD IDEA.

I'M SERIOUS.

ANGUS, I--I CAN'T STRESS THAT ENOUGH.

BIG ANTS?

BIG ANTS?

I REALLY DON'T LIKE IT WHEN SHE TALKS LIKE THAT.

IT'S DISTURBING, YOU KNOW?

I MEAN, I JUST HOPE SHE DOESN'T TALK LIKE THAT AROUND HER FRIENDS BECAUSE JUNK LIKE THAT AIN'T GONNA GET HER ELECTED TO THE PRESIDENT OF THE D.A.R.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YEAH, WELL, SHE'S FINE.

IT'S WEIRD.

HEY, YOU REMEMBER THAT STORY ABOUT THE WOMAN THAT BASHED HER HUSBAND'S HEAD IN WITH A FROZEN LEG OF LAMB, THEN COOKED IT UP AND SERVED IT TO THE DETECTIVES?

NO EVIDENCE!

I MEAN, THAT'S PRETTY CREATIVE.

BUT I'M THINKING THAT THE PERFECT MURDER WOULD BE SOMETHING MORE PEDESTRIAN, THOUGH, SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE LIKE A HOUSEHOLD ACCIDENT, LIKE A FAULTY GAS STOVE OR SOMETHING.

YOU KNOW, WHEN WE FIND THIS WOMAN, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH HER.

I MEAN, I'M GUESSING SHE DOESN'T HAVE SOME KIND OF CONVENIENT HEART CONDITION LIKE OLD HENRY DID.

WHAT? NO, HEY, LISTEN. NO MORE. ALL RIGHT?

LEAVE ME OUT OF IT. WE CAN LET MOM CARRY OUT HER OWN VENDETTAS.

Angus: SHH!

[DOOR CLOSES]

[SIGHS]

I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE WE'RE OVERTHINKING THIS WHOLE THING.

I MEAN, WHY DON'T WE JUST FIND THIS WOMAN, POP HER IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD WITH A .22, AND TAKE HER SOMEPLACE NO ONE WILL EVER FIND HER?

WHAT?

Billy: MAN, THIS THING GONE THROUGH THE GRILL HOOD AND THE CEMENT BEAM.

Sally: GOOD MORNING!

MORNING, DARLING.

I HOPE THINGS ARE BETTER FOR YOU TODAY.

THEY ARE.

Billy: DORIAN!

Dorian: YES, SIR.

WHERE'D YOU SAY YOU GOT THAT BULLET AT?

I GOT IT SWEEPING UP THE PARKING LOT.

HUH.


UM...

IT'S A GIFT FOR YOUR BABY.

IT'S AN AH-1 COBRA.

I FLY THEM FOR THE AIR NATIONAL GUARD.

UH...

YEAH.

THE VIETCONG, THEY CALL THEM THE MUTTERING DEATH.

THANK YOU.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

THAT, YEAH. IF YOU PRESS THAT BUTTON THERE, THE LITTLE MISSILE WILL SHOOT OFF.

THAT'S HOW IT'S DESIGNED.

AND IT'S NONTOXIC, I THINK.

[CLEARS THROAT]

YOU FLY THESE?

UM, THE REAL ONES.

ME AND MY BROTHER ARE BOTH HELICOPTER PILOTS, AND WE'RE--

Man over intercom: YOU-ALL SERVING BREAKFAST?

I WANT AN EGG-MATIC SANDWICH, A LARGE...

WE'RE KIND OF WEEKEND WARRIORS AT THIS POINT, BUT WE'RE WORKING--

UM...

I'M SORRY, SIR. WE ARE NOT OPEN YET.

SO WE FLY THESE OUT AT THE BASE, AND I WAS THINKING MAYBE SOMETIME, IF YOU WANT, YOU COULD COME OUT FOR A VISIT, AND I CAN SEE IF--

Man: YOU AIN'T OPEN? SINCE WHEN?

I'M SORRY, SIR. WE ARE NOT OPEN FOR 15 MINUTES.

I APOLOGIZE.

LISTEN, SALLY...

ABOUT YESTERDAY, I'M...

Man: HEY, THE HELL, YOU SAY.

LOOK, IF YOU'RE IN THERE, YOU'RE OPEN.

NOW GIVE ME THE MANAGER!

I'M SORRY ABOUT YOUR DAD, AND I'M SORRY ABOUT HOW I LOST MY TEMPER, AND, UH...

ABOUT THE COPS, TOO, AND THE GUN.

ROY!

OH!

SEE? THIS WHAT HAPPENS--

MY DADDY DOESN'T EXACTLY BRING OUT THE BEST IN PEOPLE, ESPECIALLY ONCE HE'S HAD A SNOOTFUL.

BUT HE THOUGHT YOU HANDLED YOURSELF VERY WELL.

Man: HEY, GIRLIE! ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?

NOW GET ME THE GODDAMN MANAGER!

OOH. I BETTER GO GET BILLY.

[COUGHING]

NOW, IF THIS PLACE BURN UP, WE AIN'T GOT NO JOB.

Man: HEY!

HEY!

HEY, IN THERE!

WELL, HELL, MAN. I DIDN'T MEAN FOR YOU TO COME OUT AND GET IN THE TRUCK WITH ME.

THAT YOUNG LADY WORKS EXTREMELY HARD IN THERE, AND I THINK SHE DESERVES A GREAT DEAL OF RESPECT, AND YOU'RE NOT SHOWING HER RESPECT, ARE YOU?

THAT MAKES YOU NOT WELCOME AT BURGER-MATIC.

I THINK YOU OUGHT TO LEAVE.

HOLD ON. LET ME OUT FIRST.

[CLEARS THROAT]

DORIAN?

SALLY? YES, MA'AM.

I WAS JUST WONDERING, HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF LAMAZE?

YOU KNOW, NATURAL CHILDBIRTH.

UM...YES, I HAVE.

WELL, DOWN AT THE Y, THEY HAVE THESE LAMAZE CLASSES.

THEY'RE EVERY TUESDAY NIGHT, STARTING UH-HUH.TONIGHT.

AND THE ONLY THING IS IS THAT YOU NEED A PARTNER, AND I DON'T HAVE A PARTNER.

[EXHALING LOUDLY]

Woman: THINK OF YOUR CERVIX OPENING UP.

VERY NICE, SHAWN.

OPEN.

VERY NICE.

REMEMBER NOW, WE'RE BREATHING FOR OUR BABY.

BREATHING FOR OUR BABY.

THIS MUST BE THE HUSBAND.

I'M JUST THE PARTNER, YEAH.

HE'S CUTE.

OK. I NEED YOU TO SCOOT IN HERE...

ESTABLISH EYE CONTACT.

[EXHALES]

BREATHING.

GOOD. HOLDING HANDS.

BOTH HANDS. HERE WE GO.

GOOD.

EYE CONTACT HERE.

REMEMBER, YOU'RE HERE TO SUPPORT YOUR PARTNER.

NICE.

VERY NICE.

VERY NICE... MOMS AND DADS.

WE'RE GOING TO MAKE A LITTLE SHIFT IN OUR POSITIONS NOW.

MOMS, I WANT YOU TO TURN AROUND WITH YOUR BACKS TO YOUR PARTNERS.

TURN WITH YOUR BACK TO YOUR PARTNER.

HERE WE GO. BACK TO YOUR PARTNER.

TURN YOUR BACKS.

DADS, WRAP YOUR LEGS AROUND YOUR--

WRAP YOUR LEGS AROUND YOUR MOM'S BODY.

THERE YOU GO.

GOOD. BACK INTO HIM...

AND JUST...GOOD. LAY BACK IN.

JUST LET HIM CRADLE YOU THERE.

VERY NICE.

OK. WE'RE GOING TO DO THE EFFLEURAGE.

THAT'S THE GENTLE CIRCULAR MOTION, THE GENTLE MASSAGE OF THE ABDOMEN HERE.

GOOD BREATHING.

JUST RELAX BACK HERE.

JUST LET THE JAW RELAX. VERY NICE.

REMEMBER, A RELAXED JAW MEANS AN OPEN VAGINA.

VERY NICE.

BREATHING. LET'S BREATHE.

SUPPORT OUR PARTNERS WITH BREATH.

KEEP YOUR FOCUS ON YOUR PARTNER.

GENTLE CIRCULAR MASSAGE OF THE ABDOMEN, OPENING AND RELAXING THE CERVIX, THOSE LAST 2 CENTIMETERS TO ALLOW THE BABY'S HEAD TO SOFTLY DROP THROUGH.

OK. NOW LET'S GET TO OUR FEET.

PARTNERS, HELP THE MOMS UP, PLEASE.

WE'RE GOING TO DO THAT JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL SLOW DANCE.

SO, EVERYONE, UP.

SLOW DANCE.

ARMS--THERE WE GO.

MOMS, ARMS UP.

DADS, YOU'RE GOING TO PUT YOUR ARMS AROUND.

JUST A SLOW DANCE.

THINK ABOUT SLOW DANCING IN JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL.

THERE WE GO.

YOU'RE GOING TO SUPPORT HER.

SPREAD OUR LEGS OUT HERE A LITTLE BIT.

GOOD. PANT BREATHING.

LIGHT, DELICATE.

[PANTING]

GOOD. LEGS, SHOULDER-WIDTH APART.

GOOD.

YOU DIDN'T GET PREGNANT WITH THOSE LEGS TOGETHER.

THAT BABY'S NOT GOING TO COME WITH YOUR LEGS TOGETHER, SO JUST OPEN UP AND RELAX AND ALLOW YOUR CERVIX TO OPEN.

PANT, PANT.

[PANTING]


[GIGGLES]

[COUGHS]

EXCUSE ME.

BLESS YOU.

THANKS.

[CLEARS THROAT]

UM, YOU CAN JUST DROP ME OFF RIGHT HERE.

I'LL TAKE YOU UP TO THE FRONT DOOR, IF THAT'S OK.

YEAH?

YEAH.

OK.

NO. I'LL GET THAT FOR YOU, SALLY.

WAIT.

DORIAN...

YEAH.

HOW COME YOU NEVER ASKED ME WHY I NEED A LAMAZE PARTNER OR ABOUT THE FATHER OF MY BABY?

YESTERDAY, I SORT OF GOT IT WAS A TOUCHY SUBJECT, SO I...

YEAH.

WELL, I KNOW HOW I LOOK TO EVERYBODY, BUT I FEEL LIKE I WAS RAISED RIGHT, AND I CAN'T HELP THE REST, BUT I'M GOING TO BE A REALLY GOOD MOTHER.

I KNOW, SALLY.


OH, SHIT.

I'M SORRY.

THANKS. THANKS FOR COMING.

Man: REAL SORRY.

Angus: THANKS.

ANGUS...

YEAH.

WHERE THE HELL IS HE?

I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW WHERE HE IS.

OH...

Woman: WE'RE HERE FOR YOU, DEAR.

YEAH. THANKS, MA'AM.

THANK YOU, SIR.

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING, HUH? WHAT DOES THIS SAY?

IT SAYS I'M LATE.

WHAT DOES THAT SAY?

IT SAYS I'M A HALF-HOUR LATE.

IT SAYS 8:36, IS WHAT THAT SAYS.

I'M VERY, VERY SORRY.

WHAT ABOUT MOM, HUH?

WHAT ABOUT HOW YOU RUINED THE NIGHT FOR MOM?

ANGUS.

YOU FEEL BAD ABOUT THAT?

YES.

LOOK AT YOU. LOOK AT WHAT YOU'RE WEARING.

WHY NOT JUST WEAR YOUR DAMN ROBOT SUIT TO THE GREAT BIG WAKE?

ANGUS.

COME ON. I MEAN...

RIGHT. GOOD IDEA. GOOD THINKING.

NO, ANGUS.

GOD, COACH ADAMS.

OH, YOU AT LEAST NEED A JACKET.

THE DAMN WAKE'S ALMOST OVER.

ANGUS, NOBODY CARES WHAT I'M WEARING.

[THUD]

MOM CARES. MOM CARES. THIS IS HER NIGHT.

ARE YOU TRYING TO RUIN THIS FOR HER?

NO, NO.

HUH? ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE HER LOOK STUPID, ROBOT MAN?

Woman: YOU JUST CALL ME IF YOU NEED ANYTHING, OK?


GOOD MORNING, BILLY.

MAN, I KNEW YOU WAS F.B.I.

HI, ROY.

GOT TO GO TO A FUNERAL TODAY.

WHATEVER.

* ...DONE A BAD, BAD THING *

* BABY DONE A BAD, BAD THING *

* BABY DONE A BAD, BAD THING *

* YOU EVER LOVE SOMEONE SO MUCH, YOU THOUGHT... *

BILLY...

I HAVE TO ATTEND A FUNERAL.

* ...YOU EVER TRY WITH ALL YOUR HEART AND SOUL *

* TO GET YOUR LOVER BACK TO YOU? *

* YOU'RE GONNA HOPE SO *

* YOU EVER PRAY WITH ALL YOUR HEART AND SOUL *

* JUST TO WATCH HER WALK AWAY, YEAH? *

Priest: ...THROUGH OUR LORD, JESUS CHRIST.

WE COMMIT TO ALMIGHTY GOD, OUR BROTHER--

Beatrice: HE'S MY HUSBAND...

Priest: AND WE COMMIT HIS BODY TO THE GROUND.

Beatrice: NOT MY BROTHER.

Priest: EARTH TO EARTH...

Beatrice: GIVE HIM BACK!

Priest: ASHES TO ASHES...

DUST TO DUST.

NO DUST. I HATE DUST!

THE LORD BLESS HIM AND KEEP HIM.

THE LORD MAKE HIS FACE TO SHINE UPON HIM AND BE GRACIOUS TO HIM.

THE LORD LIFT UP HIS COUNTENANCE UPON HIM AND GIVE HIM PEACE.

BLESSED BE HE WHO LAYS IN THIS GRAVE, AND GRANT THAT HE WHOSE BODY IS TO BE BURIED HERE MAY DWELL IN PARADISE AND MAY COME INTO THE HEAVENLY KINGDOM THROUGH OUR SON, JESUS CHRIST, OUR LORD.

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD.

HE SHALL NOT WANT.

Dorian, thinking: BOTTOM BUN, BOTTOM BEEF, BOTTOM CHEESE, LITTLE BUN, TOP BEEF, TOP CHEESE, SPECIAL SAUCE, LETTUCE, ONION CHUNKS, 2 PICKLES, TOP BUN, THEN BOX IT.

Beatrice: YOU BASTARD! HOW DARE YOU DO THIS TO ME!

[WAILING]

OH, HENRY!

I'M SORRY.

Priest: THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD. HE SHALL NOT WANT.

HE MAKETH ME TO LIE DOWN IN GREEN PASTURES AND MEETETH ME BESIDE HIS STILL WATERS.

HE RESTORETH MY SOUL.

HE LEADETH ME IN THE PATH--

Dorian: EXCUSE ME. SORRY.

EXCUSE ME.

OH, SORRY.

Priest: YEA, THOUGH I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH, I WILL FEAR NO EVIL, FOR THOUGH ART WITH ME...

[BEATRICE WAILING LOUDLY]

DORIAN, ARE YOU FEELING WELL?

OW.

WHAT MADE YOU KICK OVER THE FLOWERS?

MY FOOT WAS ASLEEP.

STOP IT!

SHE WAS THERE...

THE WOMAN HENRY WAS SEEING.

WHO WAS SHE?

I DON'T KNOW.

I COULD FEEL HER, LIKE THE SICK, SWEET SMELL OF A COW'S BREATH.

MAKES SENSE, THOUGH, DON'T YOU THINK?

IF SHE REALLY CARED.

WELL, THERE WAS A LOT OF WOMEN THERE, MOM.

I MEAN, THERE WAS A LOT OF WOMEN FROM THE FACTORY THERE.

YOU KNOW, MAYBE I SHOULD GO BACK AND CHECK OUT THE FUNERAL REGISTER BOOK AND JUST SEE.

MAYBE I OUGHT TO NOSE AROUND THE FACTORY A LITTLE SOME, TOO, MAYBE CHECK OUT HENRY'S OLD OFFICE.

YEAH. THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

OW! YOU'RE GOING TO RUN ME OFF THE ROAD!

STOP IT!

DON'T MISTREAT YOUR BROTHER.

[KNOCKING]

HI THERE.

OH, HELLO AGAIN.

YOU WANT TO SEE SALLY?

YES, MA'AM.

COME ON IN.

UM, I'M REAL SORRY ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND.

OH. THAT RAT BASTARD.

FORGET ABOUT IT. COME ON IN.

SALLY.

WAIT JUST A MINUTE. I WANT TO SEE IF SHE'S DECENT.

[KNOCKS] BABY.

LOOK WHO'S HERE.

[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING SOFTLY]

HEY.

Dorian: HEY.

I WAS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD, SO I THOUGHT I'D... STOP BY.

BILLY TOLD YOU I HAD TO GO TO A FUNERAL?

YOU OK?

YES.

BIG COUNTRY MUSIC FAN?

YEAH.

I HAVE ALWAYS DREAMED OF BEING A BIG HIT SINGER.

YOU SING?

NO.

BUT YOU WANT TO BE A SINGER?

WELL, I--I DREAM OF BEING A SINGER.

I THINK THAT'S WHY IT'S CALLED A DREAM.

SALLY, I WANTED TO...

AHEM. TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING THAT WE TALKED ABOUT YESTERDAY.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO FOR A RIDE?

UH, SURE.

WE COULD GO LOOK AT ONE OF THE HELICOPTERS, THE REAL ONES.

I'D LIKE THAT.

YOU--YOU WANT TO SEE THE HELICOPTERS?

OK.

Sally: MAMA, I'LL BE BACK IN A LITTLE BIT.

WOW! IS THAT IT?

YEAH. THAT'S IT.

Woman over loudspeaker: MR. SAMPSON, LINE 2.

Man: MOVE IT.

YOUNG CAPTAIN.

WHAT YOU UP TO, RANDY?

I'M UP TO ABOUT HALF-MAST AT LEAST.

WHO'S YOUR LADY FRIEND?

RANDY, THIS IS SALLY.

HELLO.

SALLY, THIS IS RANDY.

IT'S A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU.

PLEASURE'S MINE, MA'AM.

WHEN YOU-ALL EXPECTING?

I JUST CAME BY TO SHOW SALLY WHERE HER TAX DOLLARS ARE GOING.

OH, YEAH.

LET'S GET YOU IN THE COCKPIT.

I DON'T THINK THAT'S SUCH A GOOD THING--

NO, IT'S A $10-MILLION AIRCRAFT, DADDY.

GOOD VIBES FOR YOUR BABY.

CAREFUL.

AH, SHE'S ALL RIGHT.

THERE YOU GO. NOW...

GOT TO HAVE A HELMET IF YOU'RE GOING TO SIT IN THE COCKPIT.

OK.

YEAH.

[GIGGLING] HOW DO I LOOK?

LIKE YOU WERE BORN TO IT.

THIS IS EXACTLY WHERE DORIAN SITS.

C.P.G.-- COPILOT GUNNER.

OH, MAN.

20-MILLIMETER VULCAN CANNON UNDER THE CHIN...

YOU SIGHT IT BY EYE THROUGH YOUR HELMET HERE.

WHATEVER YOU LOOK AT GETS SMOKED!

RANDY--

Sally: OH, WOW!

JUST A SEC. TURN YOUR HEAD, MA'AM.

THERE YOU GO! HA HA!

[SALLY LAUGHS]

OH, YEAH, IT'S JUST A TRICK FOR YOUR YOUNG CAPTAIN HERE TO CRAP THUNDER ON THE HEADS OF THE UNSUSPECTING.

RANDY, CAN YOU GET US SOME YOO-HOOs, PLEASE?

I'D APPRECIATE IT.

[WHIRRING]

I'M READING YOU.

YOU DONE GOOD, SON.

HEH HEH!

ALL RIGHT, NOW.

OH!

OH! I'M SORRY!

UH-UH. THAT...

THAT'S NOTHING. I'M ALL RIGHT.

[WHIRRING CONTINUES]

[WHIRRING STOPS]

SALLY, I...

REALLY NEED TO--

[WHIR WHIR]

DO YOU MIND IF I ASK YOU ABOUT THE FATHER OF YOUR BABY?

[CLEARS THROAT]

WELL, HIS NAME WAS HENRY.

HE WAS OLDER THAN ME.

DID YOU LOVE HIM?

AT ONE TIME.

BUT NOT NOW?

WELL, HE MADE IT HARD FOR ME BY LYING TO ME.

I DON'T THINK THAT YOU CAN LOVE SOMEBODY THAT LIES TO YOU.

AND THEN HE FOUND OUT I WAS PREGNANT AND TRIED TO TALK ME OUT OF HAVING THE BABY AND SUDDENLY TURNED OUT TO BE MARRIED.

I'M SORRY.

YEAH, YOU KNOW...

SALLY, I GOT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING THAT'S IMPORTANT.

[THROWS SWITCH]

IT'S REAL--IT'S REAL IMPORTANT...

AND, UM...


[CLEARS THROAT]

IS THAT WHAT YOU WANTED TO TELL ME?

YEAH.

[SIGHS]

WELL, I LIKED IT.

I...YEAH.

[LAUGHS]

I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I PLAN ON INTRODUCING MYSELF TO HENRY'S WIFE.

NO. I DON'T THINK THAT'S SUCH A GOOD IDEA, SALLY.

WELL, I REALLY WANT TO HAVE THE CHANCE TO EXPLAIN MYSELF BEFORE SHE FINDS ANY PICTURES.

WHAT PICTURES?

PICTURES OF HENRY AND ME. NOTHING BAD.

WHERE WOULD SHE FIND PICTURES OF YOU AND HENRY?

IN HIS OFFICE, I THINK.

THAT'S WHERE HE KEEPS HIS STUFF.

* WHOA! *

[WORKERS COUGHING]

UH, THANK YOU. I APPRECIATE IT. I'LL FIND MY WAY OUT.

GRAB A FEW CARTONS WHEN YOU LEAVE.

WILL DO.

IT'S ON THE HOUSE. THANKS.


FIND ANYTHING?

ANGUS, WHAT'S HAPPENING?

Angus: EXACTLY. WHAT'S GOING ON, DORIAN?

NOTHING.

YOU TRYING TO SCORE BROWNIE POINTS WITH MOM?

NO. I'M JUST--

WHAT HAVE YOU GOT THERE IN YOUR HAND? ARE THOSE PICTURES?

YEAH, THEY ARE. THEY'RE PICTURES... IT'S NOTHING SPECIAL.

LET ME SEE THEM. DORIAN.

CAN I SEE THEM? THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

HENRY AND HIS BUDDIES, YEAH.

LEGS.

YEAH.

Angus: WHOA...

LOOK WHAT WE HAVE HERE.

WHAT?

WE GOT HER.

WHO?

WE GOT HER.

WE GOT WHO?

HEY, ANGUS.

Angus: YOU KNOW, I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE HAD THE AUDACITY TO SMILE AT ME AT THE FUNERAL.

I MEAN, SHE SMILED AT ME. DID YOU SEE THAT?

WHAT DO YOU PLAN ON DOING, PEEKING IN HER WINDOWS?

IF YOU'RE GOING TO COME ALONG WITH ME, PUT ON THIS BECAUSE YOU'RE REFLECTING TOO MUCH LIGHT, ALL RIGHT?

[TRAIN HORN HONKING]

Angus, laughing: SHE LIVES IN A TRAILER.

A TRAILER!

HOW PERFECT IS THAT?

SO WHAT?

SO WHAT?

ANGUS!

ANGUS.

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

YOU SAID YOU WERE JUST GOING TO SPY ON HER.

Dorian: ANGUS!

Angus: UGH!

ANGUS!

Man on television: GABRIELLE LIKES HER CLOTHING.

WHAT IF I WAS TO TAKE YOUR CLOTHING FROM YOU?

Gabrielle: OH, NO, RICK. TAKE MY HUSBAND, TAKE MY KIDS, BUT DON'T TAKE MY CLOTHING.

[SOFTLY] ANGUS!

Angus: GET IN HERE AND SHUT UP.

WAIT A SECOND. THIS IS BAD.

IT'S GENIUS.

DOORS ARE ALL LOCKED FROM THE INSIDE. THERE'S NO...

WHOO!

NO SIGNS OF FORCED ENTRY, NO FINGERPRINTS.

AH! IT'S THE PERFECT MURDER.

IT ALL CAME TO ME LAST NIGHT IN THIS BEAUTIFUL LITTLE FLASH OF INSPIRATION.

CARBON MONOXIDE?

OH, YEAH. IT'S VERY HIP RIGHT NOW.

UGH!

Rick: NOW YOU SET IT UP IN THE FLOWBY, PUT IT ON THE SIDES, GO AROUND.

NOW, I'M JUST GOING TO DO THE SIDES.

SOME PEOPLE LIKE TO GO AROUND AND DO THE BACK, TOO.

IT'S YOUR OWN PERSONAL PREFERENCE.

THIS IS THE WAY I LIKE TO DO MINE.

NOW, WHEN YOU DO THIS WITH THE FLOWBY, YOU'RE GOING TO GET SOMETHING...

AHH!

ANGUS, WHERE ARE THE COPS GOING TO THINK THAT ALL THE CARBON MONOXIDE CAME FROM, HUH?

A FAULTY GAS STOVE, A FAULTY FURNACE.

THIS KIND OF THING HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.

IT'S ALL ELECTRIC!

LISTEN, I GOT 2 WORDS FOR YOU: VITAS GERULAITIS.

YEAH, WELL, I GOT 2 WORDS FOR YOU, TOO.

Angus: NO. DAMN IT.

DORIAN! LET GO OF THAT.

GOD DAMN IT. SETTLE DOWN.

Dorian: TURN IT OFF!

TURN IT OFF. IT'S NOT HER.

Angus: WHAT?

Dorian, voice muffled: IT'S NOT HER!

SHE'S NOT THE ONE. THAT'S NOT THE WOMAN HENRY WAS SEEING.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

JUST THINK ABOUT IT. WHEN WAS THE PICTURE TAKEN?

I DON'T KNOW.

LAST CHRISTMAS AT THE FACTORY CHRISTMAS PARTY.

YEAH? SO WHAT?

SO WHO'S MOST LIKELY TO HAVE TAKEN THE PICTURE?

I DON'T KNOW.

MOM.

YEAH? SO? WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

ARE YOU SAYING MOM'S SO FEEBLE SHE'S GOING TO TAKE A SNAPSHOT OF THIS ROMANCE GOING ON RIGHT UNDER HER NOSE AND NOT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT?

COME ON!

[THUD]

WHAT WAS THAT?

Rick: AND WITH ME I HAVE VARIOUS PEOPLE HERE THAT HAVE USED THE FLOWBY FOR YEARS...

...SO WHAT DO I DO WHEN I NEED A QUICK HAIRCUT?

Audience: USE THE FLOWBY!

Rick: THAT'S RIGHT. THIS IS WHAT I DO WHEN I CUT MY HAIR...

[SOFTLY] YOU CAN'T BE TOUCHING EVERYTHING.

YOU'LL GET FINGERPRINTS ALL OVER THE PLACE.

YOU'RE NOT EVEN WEARING GLOVES.

Rick: I KNOW IT'S GOING TO BE A 2-INCH CUT, NOTHING MORE, NOTHING LESS.

WHEN I DO THE FRONT, I LIKE TO HAVE THE FRONT A LITTLE LONGER RIGHT IN HERE, SO WHEN I'M BOUNCING THE FLOWBY UP AND DOWN, INSTEAD OF ROLLING IT OVER LIKE THIS...

[ANGUS INHALES DEEPLY]

...THEN WHEN I DO THE SIDES, I'M JUST GOING TO GO ALL OVER...

[ANGUS GROANS]

COME ON, WAKE UP.

WAKE UP. WAKE UP, DORIAN.

[COUGHING]

[CANISTER CLANGING AGAINST TRACKS]

Beatrice: NO, NOT HER.

HOW DO YOU KNOW?

OH, PLEASE.

DID YOU SEE HOW THICK HER ANKLES ARE?

GIRL STOMPS AROUND IN A COUPLE OF CORNED-BEEF CANS.

[SOFTLY] OH, GOD.

NOPE. I WOULD HAVE KNOWN. I WOULD HAVE SMELLED IT ON HER.

BESIDES, SHE'S A LESBIAN.

SO SHE COULDN'T HAVE BEEN THE ONE HENRY WAS SEEING.

UH-UH. NO.

NEXT TIME USE YOUR HEAD BEFORE YOU TRY TO KILL SOMEONE.

DORIAN, I'M GLAD YOU WERE THINKING.

I SAVED HIS LIFE.

YOU WOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO IF YOU'D BEEN AT THE RIGHT HOUSE.

MOM, STOP PUTTING HIM UP TO THIS.

PUTTING HIM UP TO WHAT, DORIAN?

Beatrice: MARY LOUISE HEARTFELT CERTAINLY HAS LET HERSELF GO.

TCK-TCK. BEAUTIFUL SKIN TAKES WORK.

WHAT?

THIS IS A ROLL OF 24 EXPOSURES. I HAVE 20 PICTURES HERE.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

[FLUSHING]

I GOT IT, MOM.

[KNOCK]

DORIAN?

SALLY...

WELL...

DO YOU LIVE HERE?

UH...

SALLY...

YOU'RE HENRY'S SON.

I'M HIS STEPSON. UM...

[SIGHS]

BUT...


WELL, DO YOU-- DO YOU RECOGNIZE HER?

HOW COULD I?

ALL I CAN SEE BY THIS IS SHE LOOKS LIKE A...

BIG BLACK ANT.

WELL, I CAN HAVE THESE DEVELOPED FOR YOU, MOM.

[COUGHS]

UH, GOOD JOB.

SALLY!

GO AWAY!

LET ME TALK TO YOU.

I DIDN'T KNOW UNTIL YESTERDAY AT THE FUNERAL.

WELL, THAT WAS REAL NICE OF YOU TO LET ME GO ON AND ON ABOUT HENRY AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN HAVE THE DECENCY TO STOP ME AND TELL ME YOU WERE HIS STEPSON.

Dorian: IT'S NOT EASY TO EXPLAIN.

OH, I UNDERSTAND. YOU JUST WANTED TO FIND OUT WHAT KIND OF TRAMP--

NOW, THAT'S NOT IT AT ALL.

WELL, THEN WHAT IS IT?

SALLY...

ALL I CAN SAY IS...

THAT THIS IS A STRANGE SITUATION FOR ME, ESPECIALLY SINCE I LIKE YOU.

I MEAN, I...

I REALLY, REALLY--

[THUD]

Man: WHEE-HA!

OH! HEY, YOU WILY BASTARD!

I BAILED HIM OUT TODAY.

IF HE JUMPS HIS BOND AGAIN, YOU GOT MY PERMISSION TO KILL HIM.

[RED CLEARS THROAT]

Red: COME ON IN THE HOUSE, SON. COFFEE'S ON.

DON'T WORRY, BABY. IT'LL BE OK.

OH, MAMA.

Red: HEY, NO OFFENSE, THERE, CHIEF.

ABOUT THE LAST TIME WE MET, YOU KNOW I GET THAT LIQUOR IN ME AND...

MM-MM-MM.

OH, NO, SIR. IT'S ALL RIGHT.

SHIT! I KNEW I ONLY HAD TO LIVE LONG ENOUGH FOR SOMEBODY TO CALL ME SIR. DID YOU HEAR THAT, MABEL?

Mabel: DON'T CUSS IN FRONT OF THE YOUNGSTER, RED.

Red: HEY, BOY!

OK, SIR. LOOKS LIKE IT'S GOING TO BE 4.59.

SALLY. I LOVE YOU.

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS, DORIAN?

I THINK YOU OUGHT TO GO ON HOME.

[GIGGLES]

Red: WOMEN!

WELL, GOOD LUCK TO YOU, CHIEF.

[DOOR CLOSES]


GOOD AFTERNOON.

HI.

Sally: DORIAN!

PREGNANT.

HELLO.

SALLY, THIS IS MY BROTHER ANGUS.

THIS IS SALLY.

YES, I RECOGNIZE YOU FROM THE BURGER-MATIC.

YEAH. YEAH, RIGHT.

HI.

Sally: WELL, I GUESS YOU KNOW ABOUT ME.

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

LISTEN, I'M REAL SORRY FOR ANY PAIN THAT I CAUSED YOUR FAMILY...

AND MOST OF ALL, I JUST WANT TO GET THE CHANCE TO TELL YOUR MOTHER THAT...

AND THEN WE CAN ALL STOP BOTHERING EACH OTHER.

WELL, UH...

HEY, HOW ABOUT IF I BRING HER BY SOMETIME?

Sally: WELL, YOU'RE BOTH WELCOME ANYTIME...

AND I HOPE TO SEE YOU. GOOD-BYE.

IT WAS NICE TO MEET YOU, SALLY.

Sally: NICE TO MEET YOU, TOO.

[SOFTLY] YOU ARE SO SCREWED.

[GLASS SHATTERS]

[BEATRICE SHOUTING HYSTERICALLY]

Dorian: MOM, MOM!

Beatrice: WHO ARE YOU?! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!

Dorian: MOM, IF YOU CAN JUST BE RATIONAL FOR A SECOND.

Angus: RATIONAL? RATIONAL?

LIKE RUBBING BACON WITH THE GIRL THAT'S CARRYING HENRY'S BABY?!

Dorian: I DIDN'T RUB BACON WITH ANYBODY!

OW, OW, OW!

WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?

[CRYING] OH!

WHAT? MOM?

MOM?

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU-- DON'T HURT MOM!

WHY? WHY, DORIAN?

DAMN CRAZY!

DORIAN!

[PLATE SHATTERS]

WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?

YOU WERE MY FAVORITE.

MOM, I'M ASKING YOU TO BE UNDERSTANDING ABOUT THIS.

THIS GIRL SALLY, SHE'S A GOOD PERSON.

SHE'D NEVER DO YOU HARM ON PURPOSE.

YOU KNOW THAT. YOU HEARD HER. SHE'D NEVER HURT THIS FAMILY.

Beatrice: DORIAN...

CAN YOU LEAVE US ALONE, PLEASE?

[DOOR CLOSES]

ANGUS...

DO YOU REMEMBER A LONG, LONG TIME AGO...

OUR COUNTING GAME?

I HAD SUCH TERRIBLE STOMACHACHES AFTER YOUR FATHER LEFT US.

DEBILITATING--I'D BE IN BED FOR DAYS.

WELL, SOON YOU STARTED GETTING STOMACHACHES, TOO.

WE HAD THEM TOGETHER. DO YOU REMEMBER?

YEAH.

AND WHAT DID WE DECIDE WAS THE ONLY THING THAT COULD MAKE THE STOMACHACHES STOP?

UH...

COUNTING.

Beatrice: THAT'S RIGHT. COUNTING...

DISHES IN THE SINK, RAISINS IN THE CEREAL.

Angus: STEPS IN A SCHOOL BUS.

YOU REMEMBER HOW UPSET WE'D GET IF SOMEONE MADE US LOSE OUR COUNT?

YEAH.

Beatrice: ANGUS... I CAN FEEL IT.

OUR FAMILY'S BREAKING APART AGAIN.

[CRYING]

MOM...

WHAT DID YOU MEAN WHEN YOU SAID DORIAN WAS YOUR FAVORITE?

OH, ANGUS, I LOVE YOU BOTH.

THE DIFFERENCE IS THIS MUCH.

[DIALING TELEPHONE]

YES, MA'AM. I NEED TO TALK TO A DETECTIVE.

I CAN'T SPEAK UP. I'M SORRY--

HEY, MAN.

[POUNDING]

[BARKS]

[RUFF]


* SUNSET LIGHTS THE SKY *

* BUT THERE'S A SHADOW OVER ME *

STOP! IT'S AN EMERGENCY!

PLEASE. IT'S AN EMERGENCY. PLEASE STOP.

GET AWAY!

HOLD IT!

I GOT TO GET TO A HOSPITAL.


OH, HI, DORIAN. COME ON IN.

OH, DORIAN, NICE OF YOU TO FINALLY JOIN US.

YOUR MOTHER AND I HAVE BEEN TALKING, AND SHE SEEMS VERY UNDERSTANDING.

HOW COULD I NOT BE, AFTER ALL WE'VE BOTH BEEN THROUGH?

MOM!

RED, WHY DON'T YOU OFFER THE MAN A DRINK?

HERE. YOU LOOK LIKE YOU COULD USE A FEW HOPS THERE, CHIEF.

WHERE'S ANGUS?

HE WENT TO GET ICE. HE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

HE WAS HERE?

OH, SURE. YOUR BROTHER HAD US ALL IN STITCHES.

DIDN'T HE, RED?

RED? DIDN'T HE, RED?

YEAH! THAT BOY IS A CUT-UP!

HE WAS IN THE HOUSE? ANGUS WAS IN THE HOUSE?

HE WENT TO USE THE BATHROOM.


DORIAN?

WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

DO YOU HAVE GAS?

UH...

DO YOU HAVE GAS IN THE HOUSE?

YEAH.

WHAT?!

SOMETIMES HE GETS A LITTLE HIGH-STRUNG.

YOU'RE HIGH-STRUNG. YOU ARE HIGH-STRUNG.

DORIAN, YOU'RE SCARING US.

WHY ARE YOU ACTING ALL NORMAL?

DORIAN, WHY DON'T YOU JUST COME ON IN HERE AND HAVE SOMETHING TO EAT WITH US, NOW?

AFTER YOU WASH YOUR HANDS.

THE FOOD.

POTATO SALAD? THAT'S A NICE TOUCH, MOM.

THAT'S MY POTATO SALAD.

THAT LOOKS REAL GOOD.

MABEL, MIND THE BOY.

SALLY, SHE'S NOT WHO YOU THINK SHE IS. HOLD IT, RED.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

ME AND ANGUS KILLED HIM.

WE KILLED HENRY.

ALL RIGHT?

ME AND ANGUS. WE DID IT FOR MOM. SHE WANTED HIM DEAD.

HENRY WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR, AND SHE WANTED HIM DEAD AND WOULDN'T TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER.

WE CHASED HIM IN THE CHOPPER, SALLY.

YOU HEARD THE WHOLE THING OVER YOUR HEADPHONES.

I'M SORRY. I JUST WANTED US TO SCARE HIM.

I DIDN'T WANT--

I'M SORRY.

WHAT?

OH, DORIAN.

YOU'VE BEEN HAVING THE NIGHTMARES AGAIN, HAVEN'T YOU?

SALLY.

YOU DIDN'T KILL ANYONE, HONEY.

HENRY DIED OF A HEART ATTACK.

YOU'RE A GOOD PERSON.

MOM, YOU'RE A REAL PIECE OF WORK, YOU KNOW THAT?

WHERE'S ANGUS?

I DON'T KNOW.

SETTLE DOWN, NOW!

NO, DON'T STRUGGLE, HONEY.

WE'RE GOING TO GET YOU SOME PROFESSIONAL HELP.

YOU'RE A GOOD BOY, JUST LIKE YOUR MAMA SAID.

[RUMBLING]

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

BENNY! COME ON!

COME ON! RUN!

RED! RED!

RUN!

COME ON! COME ON!

Red: HEY! I'LL GET YOU, YOU SON OF A BITCH!

YOU WANT TO RUN, HUH? YOU WANT TO RUN?

WELL, WATCH YOUR HEAD!

AAH!

COME ON! STAY WITH ME!

RUN! I'VE GOT YOU!

WHY IS HE SHOOTING AT US?

[ENGINE CRANKING]

GET OVER, MA!

DORIAN, HE'S GONE CRAZY.

YOU THINK?

YOU HAPPY NOW, MA?

WHAT DO YOU WANT-- OH!

[ENGINE STARTS]

DORIAN, STOP THE TRUCK AND LET MOM OUT.

DORIAN, I SAID STOP THE TRUCK AND LET MOM OUT OF THE DAMN TRUCK.

IT'S TRUE.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

WHY DON'T YOU TELL HER WHAT'S GOING ON, MOM?

ME? WHAT?

TELL HER HOW YOU FINALLY DROVE ANGUS OVER THE EDGE.

ALL RIGHT, STOP THE TRUCK, GOD DAMN IT!

YOU GAVE HENRY A HEART ATTACK.

OH, GOD, DORIAN, IT IS TRUE?

[CRYING] OH, HENRY!

DAMN IT, DORIAN, STOP THE TRUCK.

HOLD ON.

SHIT!

AAH!

I KNOW YOU HATE ME NOW, AND I DON'T BLAME YOU, SALLY.

OH, TAKE ME HOME!

LET ME OUT OF THE TRUCK.

SEE, NOW'S NOT THE BEST TIME. JUST HOLD ON.

[SALLY CRIES OUT]

I'M TURNING AROUND.

AH, SHIT!

DORIAN, DAMN IT!

AAH!

SHIT!

DORIAN, DO YOU REMEMBER IN LAMAZE CLASS HOW THEY SAID THAT EXTREME STRESS...

[BREATHES OUT]

CAN BRING ON LABOR?

YOU--YOU TOOK HER TO LAMAZE CLASS?

HOLD ON, SALLY. WE'LL GET YOU TO THE HOSPITAL.

DORIAN, DAMN IT!

[SALLY DOING BREATHING EXERCISES]

[SALLY SCREAMS]

SHIT!

OH, DEAR.

ANGUS, ARE YOU READING ME? ANGUS.

I'D APPRECIATE A CLEAR SHOT HERE, DORIAN.

YOU AND MOM GET OUT OF THE TRUCK.

WE'RE ALL STAYING RIGHT HERE ANGUS.

WE GOT A BABY COMING.

DORIAN, PUT MOM ON.

SAY SOMETHING TO HIM.

TELL HIM HE DOESN'T HAVE TO DO THIS.

ANGUS, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

MOM, AREN'T YOU HAPPY?

AREN'T YOU HAPPY NOW, MOM?

WHAT? WHAT?

[BREATHING]

ANGUS.

MOM.

WHAT'S HAPPENING TO MY FAMILY?

Angus: DON'T CRY.

DON'T CRY, MOM.

I'LL MAKE IT BETTER.

ANGUS.

HEY!

DAMN IT!

I KNOW WHAT TO DO.

ANGUS, WE CAN TALK ABOUT THIS.

WHAT IS SHE DOING?

TRYING TO GET US KILLED.

DORIAN...

GET OUT OF THE TRUCK.

I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE, ANGUS.

DON'T YOU SEE WHAT SHE'S DOING?

SHE'S USING YOU. YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?

1...2...3...

[BEEPING]

STOP COUNTING.

JUST LOOK AT HER, ANGUS. LOOK AT HER.

10...

DO YOU THINK THOSE ARE REAL TEARS?

THAT'S EXACTLY HOW SHE LOOKED AT HENRY'S FUNERAL.

11...

12...13...

SHE'S ALWAYS MAKING YOU FEEL LIKE CRAP.

YOU'RE BETTER THAN THAT. YOU'RE...

15...16...

YOU KNOW?

A GOOD PERSON.

YOU'RE A GOOD PERSON. YOU'RE A PEOPLE PERSON.

20...21...

YOU'RE GOOD AT A LOT OF STUFF.

ANGUS, I'M YOUR BROTHER, AND WE ARE FAMILY, AND I LOVE YOU.

WHAT?

AND I'M HERE TO TELL YOU YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO BE ABLE TO MAKE MOM HAPPY, NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO.

33...

ANGUS.

34...35...

36...

38...

39...

40...41...

42...43...

44...45...

30--4O--

30...30...

[BEEPING]


WELL? I CERTAINLY HOPE SOMEBODY CAN EXPLAIN TO ME EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED THERE.

WATCH YOUR TOES, MA.

* MAGIC *

[SALLY SCREAMING]

* WHEN 2 HEARTS ARE CARING *

SIR, ARE YOU THE FATHER-TO-BE?

NO!

THE FATHER-TO-BE IS DEAD!

I'M THE STEPBROTHER AND I'M ALSO THE FATHER'S STEPSON, BUT I'D LIKE TO BE THE FATHER-TO-BE.

YOU CAN'T BE THE FATHER AND THE BROTHER AT THE SAME TIME.

THAT'S THE KIND OF THING THAT MESSES KIDS UP.

THEN YOU'RE NOT IMMEDIATE FAMILY.

I'M THE, UH, LAMAZE PARTNER.

RIGHT, SALLY?

SALLY?

I'M SORRY, SIR.

PUT HER UP ON THE TABLE.

HI. YOU NEED TO TELL HER TO RELAX HER JAW.

[SALLY SCREAMING IN DISTANCE]

[MUMBLING]

TOP BEEF, TOP CHEESE...

SPECIAL SAUCE...

CHOPPED ONIONS...

DILL PICKLES, TOP BUN, SLIDE IT IN...

BOTTOM BEEF, BOTTOM CHEESE...

BOTTOM... BOTTOM BUN--

SIR?

COME ON, SUIT UP. SHE'S ASKING FOR YOU.


[TAPPING]

I'M YOUR BROTHER...DORIAN.

STEPBROTHER, ACTUALLY.

UH, TECHNICALLY, YOUR FATHER WAS MARRIED TO MY MOTHER AND HE'S ALSO MY STEPFATHER, SO, YOU KNOW, I THINK WE'RE PRETTY MUCH OK THERE.

NOW...

YOUR MOTHER WASN'T MARRIED TO YOUR FATHER, BUT YOUR FATHER WAS MARRIED TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER.

UH, YEAH.

YOU PROBABLY WON'T BE SEEING A LOT OF HER, BUT I DO WANT YOU TO MEET ANGUS, YOUR STEPBROTHER, MY BROTHER.

HE'S GOT A SHORT COMMITMENT TO THE STATE, BUT THE MAIN THING...

BUT THE THING...

FAMILY'S THE THING.

YOU GOT THAT IN SPADES.

YOU GOT THE GREATEST MOTHER IN THE WORLD.

AND WHATEVER YOU WANT TO CALL ME, I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I'LL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR YOU, TOO.

UH...

YEAH.

I DON'T THINK HE GOT ALL THAT.

WELL, WE'LL MAKE SURE HE DOES.

* SHA-NANA NANA NANA *

* NANA NANA NANA NANA *

* SHA-NANA NANA NANA

* NANA NANA NANA NANA NA *

* RADIO SONG PLAYING IN THE CAR *

* DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE WE ARE *

* I DON'T KNOW THE TIME OF DAY *

* OR THE COLOR OF THE CLOTHES I'M WEARING *

* WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT SKY? *

* PRETTY LITTLE STARS TWINKLING FAR ABOVE IN HEAVEN *

* THEY SORT OF MAKE ME FEEL LIKE DANCING OUT HERE IN THE MOONLIGHT *

* BUT THIS LITTLE GIRL *

* SHE'S SO SHY *

* SHE WON'T EVEN LOOK UP *

* INTO THE SKY *

* BUT THE SHINY STARS, GUIDING STARS *

* POINTING THE WAY TO THE HEAVEN OF MY HEART *

* GUIDING STARS POINTING THE WAY TO THE HEAVEN OF MY *

* HEAVEN OF MY HEART *

[DIFFERENT SONG]

* SUNSET LIGHTS THE SKY *

* BUT THERE'S A SHADOW OVER ME *

* BLACK CLOUDS IN THE EAST *

* AND THERE'S A TWISTER UNDER ME *

* A FIRE-BREATHING WIND SINGED MY HAIR *

* BUT THERE'S NO ONE TO BE SEEN *

* COMIN' OUT OF MY REAR VIEW MIRROR IS OLD SLY SATAN'S LIMOUSINE *

* YOU SELL YOUR SOUL TO THE DEVIL *

* HE'LL GIVE YOU EVERYTHING YOU SEE *

* WHEN THE DEVIL COMES COLLECTIN' *

* YOU'RE GONNA BE PAYIN' FOR ETERNITY *

* THE DEVIL'S CHASIN' ME *

* THE DEVIL'S CHASIN' ME *

* DEVIL, ROLL YOUR WINDOW DOWN *

* AND LOOK ME IN THE EYE *

* NO, I DID NOT MAKE NO DEAL *

* SO DON'T WAIT FOR ME TO DIE *

* HE'S GOT A RED-AND-BLACK TUXEDO *

* HE'S GOT HAIR AROUND DOWN TO HIS KNEE *

* HE'S GOT A FIRE-BREATHING DEMON DRIVER *

* WHO LAUGHS SATANICALLY *

* HE'S GOT A BLACK GOATEE, HARDLY NO TEETH *

* AND A RATTLESNAKE ON HIS SLEEVE *

* HE'S GOT BLOOD-RED BOOTS WITH DIAMOND STUDS *

* AND A SMILE MEANT TO DECEIVE *

* THE DEVIL'S CHASIN' ME *

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.

CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.