Honey, I Shrunk the Kids (1989) Script

POSTMAN: Good morning, Quark.

AMY: Couldn't believe it. Lisa told Janet that Paul asked Barbara to ask me if I had a date to the dance.

No. They broke up for religious differences.

She thought she was God and he disagreed.

(RADIO PLAYING)

AMY: Yeah, this afternoon around five.

(QUARK BARKS) AMY: I'm meeting him at the mall.

I don't know. Maybe. Yeah.

(MACHINE WHIRRS)

AMY: Oh, I can't.

I've got to hang around awhile and keep an eye on Nick.

He likes to take things apart.

Well, that's why I watch it at your house.

Things will cool off after today.

Dad has his big "show and tell" at the lab.

(NICK GROWLS)

Zap!

(QUARK BARKS)

NICK: It works! It really works! Nick, get real.

The subject... has disappeared.

No, no, it's not that.

No.

Mom and Dad had an argument last night, and Mom spent the night at Grandma's.

I think she needed a rest.

Right. (LAUGHS) Her and me both.

Yeah, okay.

Okay. Bye.

Amy... when's Mom coming home?

She's working, Nick. She'll be home this afternoon.

(ZAPPING SOUND)

If only Dad could get that machine to work.

(BELL RINGS)

(MACHINE WHIRRS)

(BELL RINGS)

Breakfast.

I need a couple of minutes here.

AMY: "I'll be down in five minutes."

Typing with his gloves on again.

(WHIMPERS)

(ZAPPING AND CRASHING)

(ZAPPING)

(SNORING)

(CRASH)

Oh, no, not again!

Who does he think he is, Mister Wizard?

(SHOUTS) Szalinski, give it a rest! It's Saturday!

MAE: It's construction, honey.

You of all people should understand that.

BIG RUSS: Yeah, but I want some sleep.

We got a four-hour drive ahead of us.

And I think he should have some consideration for other people.

(GROANS) Give the guy a break. (CRASH)

I'll give him a break.

I'll break his arm!

Honey!

BIG RUSS: (SHOUTS) Szalinski!

You're much bigger than he is. Szalinski!

Honey, can't we-- RON: Hold it, Dad.

Don't move.

Ron, what are you doing? Defending the backyard, Dad.

That's my fishing rod!

RON: Dad, no! (THUD)

(RUSS GROANS) Dad!

Am I bleeding?

Honey, it's rubber.

Dad, I told you not to move. What's on this thing?

Super Glue. Super Glue?

Gotta mark those trespassers, Dad.

BIG RUSS: I'm not a trespasser. I'm your father!

MAE: Better wash it off quick, hon.

BIG RUSS: It's taking the skin off. MAE: I'll talk to you later.

What's with this kid? He's 12.

Attila the Hun was 12 once, too, you know.

MAE: Oh, come on!

He's sounding.

(SCREAM) (GLASS SHATTERS)

(CAT SCREECHES)

Weird family.

NICK: Dad?

Look, I finished mine.

Looks just like yours, huh? That's great, Nick.

You know, Dad, I was calculating.

If you took all the molecules in this house--

Listen, Nick, I gotta get this thing working before I leave.

Why don't you help your sister?


(ZAPPING) (HISSING)

(BEEPING)

(BEEPING)

(WHIMPERS)

Stay back, boy.

If this thing works, this'll put us right up there with the invention of electricity, the first man in space. (BARKING)

First dog in space.

(WHIRRING)

Come on! Shrink!

Shrink!

(WHIRRING AND BEEPING)

WAYNE: Please, please, shrink.

Shrink!

(WHIMPERS)

On the other hand, we've come up with an interesting way of making applesauce.

You got it, honey.

Sure? Positive.

You're wiping away brain cells, and there aren't many to spare.

Everybody in my family's a comedian.

Everybody except you, hon.

Darn right.

Well, look who's decided to join the land of the living.

And is Russell ready for his big fishing trip?

Not really, Dad.

Not really?

There's a big fish out there with your name on it.

(DOOR BANGS)

LITTLE RUSS: Fishing's your thing, Dad, not mine.

What's the matter with him? Shh!

What do you mean "shush"?

I see nothing wrong with wanting to take my son fishing.

Russel, I shouldn't be telling you this, but he was cut from the football team yesterday.

What? Honey, please!

What he doesn't need right now is to hear from you.

He needs something.

When I was his age, I was cap-- Captain of the team.

And if my father wanted me to go on a fishing trip, I would've been-- Been grateful.

Russ, he is too small for football.

He is not too small for football! Too small!

Shh! Honey, when you say things like that, you make him feel about this big.

If he wants to feel big, he should act big.

AMY: Elbows up.

What's the matter with you?

I am on a special diet.

No toxic waste. Fine.

Here, Quark.

(WHIMPERS)

Eat it, Dad, before it gets cold.

Mmm, did you get the machine to work?

Yeah.

A few more bugs to get out, but...

What about the conference?

(CLOCK MEOWS) (QUARK BARKS)

Jeez, the conference. I gotta get going.

(QUARK BARKS)

Dad! Dad, wait.

Dad!

If Mom calls, tell her I'll be home by lunchtime.

Dad, don't forget my dress from the cleaners, Nick's allergy pills-- It's all in my head. Don't worry.

Wish me luck!

I need luck getting out of this door.

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

House of Insanity.

Hi, honey. - Hi, Mom.

Nick, go get Dad.

He's just leaving for the conference.

Dad, it's Mom.

Where? On the phone!

Oh.

How did everything go this morning?

Boy, did we miss you.

I missed you too, honey.

Did Paul Tate ask you to the dance?

I think he's going to.

I'm gonna meet him at the mall later today.

Here's Dad. Thanks.

Hiya. - Hi.

Nick!

I called to wish you the luck at the conference.

Look, Diane, if things go well this morning, everything will change around here, I promise you.

DIANE: Okay. I have a house to show, and then I'll be home this afternoon and we'll talk.

Good luck today.

Thanks. Bye, honey.

What time is Mom coming home? Later.

Listen, we got to make this place spick and span. Okay?

Nick, I want you to mow the lawn. Amy...

Good luck.

(DOOR BANGS)

(MACHINE BEEPS)

I'm helping my dad with this real important new invention.

So, um...

I... I'll let you mow half my yard.

No, thanks.

Wow! With that?

NICK: Yeah!

And... this.

(BEEPING)

Oh, it's a remote control!

(MOTOR WHIRRING) Tell you what.

You throw in... a box of cookies, I'll let you cut the whole thing.

Oh, but I have to go and meet Newt right now.

Uh, could I do it later?

I don't think so, because, you know, my dad's gonna come home and... Aw, come on!

Okay. Don't be too late.

Okay, thanks.

No problem.

See you later!

(SIGHS)

Nothing like a hard day's work.

BIG RUSS: French fries,

Tater sticks, meat loaf, veal "parmedjian."

Hey, Dad. Wanna go play some baseball?

Hmm, baseball...

No.

I gotta load the camper, Ron. I'm busy.

Hey, Russ, pitch for me.

(ENGINE WHIRRING)

Hey, Szalinski, ever do anything normal, like play baseball?

Nope.

Baseball's for mortals.

Maybe you could be the base.

Maybe you could be the mound.

Ronald!

Lug your stuff.

Later, worm.

Russell, give me a hand here.

Russell! Give me a hand here.

Dad, it's early.

The early worm catches the fish, Russell.

Remember that.

The Forresters are coming by after lunch, so come on! Quick march!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC BLARING)

Weird family.


Russell...

I know it seems strange when you look at me today, but, when I was your age, I was not much bigger than you.

I know, Dad. You've told me about a million times.

All right, just hear me out.

The point is, coach put me on these babies.

Know what happened?

I put on 20 pounds of pure, unadulterated, blitz-the-quarterback and rip-his-head-off muscle, Russell.

Now, I'll make you a little bet.

If you work out for... three months, you will be throwing farther, you will be running faster, and you will be hitting harder than anybody else on that team.

(RUSSELL EXHALES QUICKLY)

(GROANS)

(GROANS)

(THUD, CLATTERING)

(RUSS EXHALES LOUDLY)

(PANTING)

Go ahead, go ahead.

Um, Dad, you know the weights aren't my thing.

Fishing isn't your thing.

Weights aren't your thing. Just what is your thing?

I don't know, but I'll keep you posted, okay?

Fine, until you do, you're trying these, and you're coming fishing with the family. Is that clear?

I can't hear you!

Yes, sir.

Better.

Uh... lift with your legs, not with your back.

What am I doing wrong, Spike?

Russell, you're not smoking a cigarette, are you?

No, dear. You know I've given that up.

Your stuff all loaded? Ready to fire.

We've got the best spot on the lake. You looking forward to it?

Tubular!

He's only 12 and he's already thinking about construction.

Why can't Russell be more like that?

Oh, honey, just give him a chance.

(RUSSELL HUMS)

Ron Thompson at the plate.

Bottom of the 9th. Clutch situation.

Here comes the pitch!

Oh, he's swinging like a rusty gate!

He pumps once, pumps twice. Oh!

He's never been good on the high outside pitch.

Here it comes. The fastball is bread and butter.

Grand...

slam.

(CRACKLING, ZAPPING)

Hey, hey, I didn't do it.

Come on, dope. Nobody has to know.

Nobody saw it but you!

Let's negotiate. I'm your brother, Russ.

You're not supposed to fink on your own bother!

Turn me in, and I'll tell all what you spend your allowance on!

Come on, Russ.

Look, either you tell 'em, or I tell 'em, okay?

Okay, you tell 'em.

(WHIRRING)

(CRACKLING)

Aren't you in the wrong yard?

RON: Listen, nerd face... LITTLE RUSS: Tell 'em!

What's going on?

Hi. Um...

I'm Russ Thompson from next door.

Um...

Um, my brother has something to tell you.

Or else I can tell her.

Okay.

See, I was playing with my ball, right?

Well, actually, it's not my ball exactly. It's Charlie Sudzen's...

Just tell her what you did.

It never would have happened if their house wasn't so close.

He hit a baseball through your attic window.

He what?

It shouldn't have been closed in the first place. It's a nice day!

We'll get it fixed, okay? We'll take it out of his allowance, all right?

My allowance? Dream on.

Okay. We'll just have Dad pay for it, huh?

We'll take it out of my allowance. Give me my ball back.

Until you pay, no man shall pass.

You've got nothing to say about it, space boy.

Cool it!

Nick, take him upstairs and get him his ball.

And clean up the mess. What?

Do it, Nick. I don't have time to mess around.

Come on.

This is what's wrong with the American system of justice.

So...

You like to dance, huh?

How do you know?

Well...

You could see me? No!

No... Yeah, I could... but I wasn't watching you, I...

(WHIRRING, CRACKLING)

RON: Awesome.

So your dad's still in contact with his home planet.

(BOYS SCREAM)

And given that my machine can substantially reduce the size of bulky payloads... and fuel supplies, the savings to the space program would be staggering.

PROFESSOR FREDERICKSON: Mr. Szalinski, are you trying to tell me that suddenly size is no longer relative?

WAYNE: Well, that's right, Professor Fredrickson, that all matter is made up of not only density, but of empty space.

And if we can proportionately reduce the amount of empty space in any given object, we can thereby... shrink the object.

Uh-huh. Where's your proof?

When Einstein came up with the atomic bomb, did they ask him to prove that it worked?

You, Mr. Szalinski, are hardly Einstein.

(LAUGHTER)

I picked a name.

You have, however, managed to shrink one thing.

The size of this audience.

Gentlemen, ladies, I don't know about you, but I'm going to lunch.

Wayne? Wayne!

Oh, hi, Dr. Brainard. Don't take it too hard, Wayne.

It will take time to convince people without proof.

WAYNE: I appreciate it. Thanks a lot.

By the way, you were right about the electric flea collar.

The extension cord was a bad idea.

What could be taking them so long?

I am not missing the mall today.

Nick!

Nick. Ron?

If you guys are hiding up here, it's not funny.

Nick, you know what Dad said.

You're not supposed to be playing up here.

(WHIRRING, ZAPPING)

Where are we?

Oh, my God. What happened?

NICK: Amy! RON: Russ!

NICK: Amy!

Nicky.

Ron?

AMY: Nick, what happened?

RON: We're all the size of boogers!

(BARK ECHOING)

(GROAN)

Be quiet, Quark!

(BARKS)

Nick, what did you do?

Me? It was his ball. Shut up, wimp!

We have to get Dad. He'll know what to do.

(PHONE RINGING)

AMY: Nick, if that's Paul Tate, I'm gonna kill you.

(PHONE RINGING)

Can somebody get that? (PHONE RINGING)

What's that? It's Dad's thinking couch.

WAYNE: Amy? Nick? (PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

(BARKS)

It's not for you.

(BARKING) What is it, Quark?

(BARKS) Nick!

Listen. WAYNE: (ECHOING) Are you guys home?

Sounds like Dad. He'll fix us.

Mr. Szalinski, up here!

Up here, Dad!

Quick, over there by the door, okay? Get that side!

WAYNE: (ECHOING) Is anybody up there?

Nick, get off and give us a hand!

Nick? Amy?

Hey, Amy, your date's here.

Oh, gross.

Watch out for the crack!

(CRACKLING)

AMY: Hurry up. He's coming!

LITTLE RUSS: Right here, Mr. Szalinski. (ALL SCREAMING)

Dad! Dad!

(FAINT SCREAMING)

(FAINT SCREAMING)

ALL: Help, help!

(LOUD BANG)

Where's my couch?

What is he, deaf? Don't you get it?

We're too small. He can't hear us.

(FOOTSTEPS THUD)

Dad!

(WHIMPERS)

I don't believe this.

What a day.

Ah!

This is all your fault.

Five years of... No, Dad, it works!

RON: Szalinski, don't do it! LITTLE RUSS: No, Mr. Szalinski!

AMY: Dad! Don't even work!

(FAINT SCREAMING)

LITTLE RUSS: No!

RON: Run!

(KIDS SCREAMING)

(THUD, CLATTERING)

AMY: Dad!

Stay there!

(QUARK WHIMPERS) There's glass everywhere here now.

LITTLE RUSS: No! (ALL SCREAMING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

LITTLE RUSS: Go!

(SCREAMING)

NICK: Help!

(ALL SCREAMING)

ALL: No!

(ALL SCREAMING)

(QUARK WHIMPERS)

(QUARK WHIMPERS)

Not now, Quark.

LITTLE RUSS: Szalinski, do they pick up your trash the same day they get ours?

NICK: Ow! AMY: Nick?

NICK: I'm over here!

AMY: Whose arm is this?

RON: I don't know, but I'm not waiting around to find out.

Move over! NICK: Ow! Watch out!

Oh, my God.

Reminds me of the backyard.

LITTLE RUSS: Something tells me we're not going fishing this weekend.

RON: That should make you happy.

LITTLE RUSS: Blow it out your shorts, Ron.

Dad can fix us, right Nick?

I... I think so.

RON; Oh, great.

We just have to get back to the house.

I'm never going back to your house!

I'm going home.

Come on, Russ.

RON: Russ? Tell me the truth.

Can your dad help us?

Russ, we're supposed to go fishing.

Yeah, right. How're you going, as bait?

What a witch!

Russ, you coming down or what?

Well, we can't stay here.

Well, I think we should stick together.

Well, come on.

Nicky!


I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto.

NICK: I don't think we're in the food chain anymore, Dorothy.

Come on, Ron.

We're gonna go with them. RON: What?

You let a girl tell you what to do? Mmm.

Look, Ron. Down here, you're gonna listen to me.

From now on, you're gonna do what I say!

Run!

(FLUTTERING, SCREECHING)

Great Sir Russell Thompson, stalking the rogue butterfly.

Knock it off, Ron.

We're now a quarter of an inch tall, and...

64 feet from the house.

That's the equivalent of 3.2 miles.

That's a long way, even for a man of science.

AMY: Nick, I've got six hours to get home, get big, and get to the mall.

Now get moving!

NICK: That butterfly had a wingspan of 42 feet!

AMY: Nick!

Hi.

Hi.

Look, Diane... Guess what I saw...

(DIANE CHUCKLES)

I sold a house. Really? That's great!

Yeah, you know that big estate? The Boorsteins bought it.

I only had to show it to them 12 times.

How'd your conference go?

I got a lot of laughs.

Oh, Wayne. I failed, Diane. I'm...

I'm just gonna get my old job back, if I can get my old job back.

But from now on, things are gonna be different.

DIANE: Different.

Right.

Where are the kids?

I haven't seen them since I left this morning.

Did you tell them I was coming home?

Yeah, that's why they cleaned things up.

I see.

Well, they're probably just at the mall.

Want to hear something strange? My thinking couch is missing.

The one from the attic? Yeah.

Hey, Ron. This is a lot better than those nature hikes Dad drags...

(SCREAMS)

Nick, don't you ever pick up your toys?

What a wimp!

NICK: Been looking for that guy.

It's already one o'clock.

So much for the mall.

RON: What if time shrunk, too? I mean, what if it's hours to us, but it's years to the rest of the world?

LITTLE RUSS: Okay, that would be cool. All my teachers would be retired.

Impossible. Time doesn't exist, except as a...

AMY: No...

RON: What's a river doing in your yard?

It's not a river, dope.

It could be a stream of dog pee and it looks like a river to us.

Let's swim it.

Have a ball, baby. I'm not swimming in that.

Hey, if we could get some rope, we could make a log bridge!

If we... If we had some logs.

Quark!

Your dog? Yeah.

Quark can't hear us.

Yeah, he can. Dogs have great ears.

If we can get on him, he'll take us all the way back to the house.

Whistle.

(NICK AND AMY WHISTLE)

(FAINT WHISTLING)

(WHISTLING)

What's wrong? He can't whistle.

(WHISTLES)

NICK: Let's get higher up.

You know how to whistle.

You just put your lips together and blow.

NICK: From the top of that flower, we could see over the grass.

Let's climb!

No, Patty, no, no. There's nothing to worry about.

Just have Amy call me if you hear from her. Thanks.

Amy's not at Patty's, and Nick's not at the Koestlers'.

I'm gonna call Betsy. (BARKING)

Well, they've got to be somewhere. Did you check next door?

At the Thompsons'? They'd rather be in school!

Nick, be careful!

(HIGH-PITCHED) Yes, Mother.

I'll go up with them.

NICK: It's Quark! (WHISTLES)

Oh, no!

What is it, Nick?

NICK: It's that stupid cat of theirs!

(SPIKE MEOWING) Our cat is not stupid!

NICK: It just chased Quark away! It's Russ's stupid cat... ahh!

(BOYS SCREAM) Hang on, Nick!

NICK: I can't! I'm slipping! (BOYS SCREAM)

Nicky!

Get out of there!

You're allergic to pollen!

It's too big!

I'm too little to breathe it in!

(SNEEZES)

Diane!

Hi, Mae.

We haven't seen you around much lately.

Well, I've been working a lot.

You haven't seen Ronnie or Russ, have you?

You know something, I can't find Nick and Amy.

If you see them, would you send them home right away?

Oh, sure. Same thing if you see mine.

Russell, the Szalinski kids are missing, too.

If they're smart, they ran away with the circus.

I don't know where they could be. They know we're leaving.

Ronald?

Russell?

DIANE: Amy?

Nick?

(ECHOING) Amy?

What is it? Sounds like Mom.

Sounds more like a swarm of...

Bees!

(SCREAMS) Amy, get him off of me! Nicky!

NICK: (SCREAMS) Get him away! Hold on, Nick!

(RUSS GRUNTS) Russ!

Nicky!

LITTLE RUSS: Nick, give me your hand! (NICK SCREAMS)

(NICK SCREAMS) LITTLE RUSS: Nick, hold on!

We're never gonna find Russ now. It's all your stupid dad's fault.

Shut up! My brother's up there, too.

LITTLE RUSS: Help! (NICK SCREAMS)

(RUSS SCREAMS) NICK: Russ, don't let go!

LITTLE RUSS: Hold on!

LITTLE RUSS: Help!

(NICK SCREAMING)

I'm getting worried.

I'm gonna go to the mall and look for the kids.

Why don't you stay here in case they come back.

Okay.

BIG RUSS: Hey, Szalinski!

Your lawn's beginning to look like the Amazon.

Yeah? Producing oxygen, Russ. We've all gotta do our part.

You know, the jungles are receding everywhere.

(NICK AND RUSS SCREAMING)

LITTLE RUSS: Dad!

LITTLE RUSS: Don't! NICK: Stop! We're on the bee!

Where... Where's...

NICK: Stop! You'll kill us! LITTLE RUSS: Don't do it!

LITTLE RUSS: Please! (NICK SCREAMING)

Stop it! Whoa!

LITTLE RUSS: Hold on, Nick!

We're going down!

(LITTLE RUSS AND NICK SCREAMING)

DIANE: Wayne... (GASPS) if the Boorsteins come by, their escrow papers are in my briefcase.

Think you can handle that?

WAYNE: There was a bee on me. DIANE: Yeah, right.

Wait a second.

Nick doesn't play baseball.

RON: I just figured it out.

I never woke up this morning. This is all a bad dream.

Ron, get up. You're just a nightmare!

When I get up, Dad and I will be going fishing.

I'm warning you.

(HUMS)

Okay, Ron... maybe you're right.

Maybe this is just all a bad dream.

But if it is... would this hurt? (RON YELLS)

Get up!

(RON GROANS)

AMY: If you were my brother, I'd put myself up for adoption.

RON: Yeah? I hope your face ends up on a milk carton.

My chair.

My couch.

It works.

Nick? Amy?

Can you hear me?

Nick.


Uh-huh.

(GRUNTS)

LITTLE RUSS: Nick?

Nick!

Nick! (GASPS)

Are you okay? (SPITS)

When we crashed, my entire life flashed before my eyes.

It didn't take too long.

I'm scared, Russ.

We could be anywhere now.

(SIGHS) I think we're still in your yard.

How do you know?

Any other yard, the grass would be shorter.

Come on, we gotta find Ron and your sister.

RON: And then if they don't fry him, he'll go to jail. Your mother, too.

After all, she's the one who paid for it.

That makes her an accomplice. Do you know what it's like in jail?

I am gonna tell you one more time to shut up!

And then what? And then you'll smack me? You'll go to jail, too.

I'll tell them after a big bee ate my brother, you smacked me around.

No jury in the world would fail to convict you.

The whole Szalinski family is gonna be in jail for life!

Look. My dad's machine works.

When we get home and he fixes us all, we're gonna be so rich, you'll regret this.

Amy, you know I've always liked your family.

I mean, your dad's a real nice guy.

He's not as weird as I thought he was.

I love you and Nick like my own brother and sister.


It's just that my dad doesn't understand your dad.

Your dad doesn't understand anything.

(GASPS)

(SCREAMING) (WATER CRASHING)

Amy! Ron, where are you?

(RUSS AND NICK YELL) Run, Nick!

Ahh! Whoa! Oh! (GROANS)

LITTLE RUSS: Get up!

(NICK YELLS)

LITTLE RUSS: Get in there!

Get out of there!

Mr. Szalinski, uh, we're the Boorsteins.

Get off the grass!

Get off the grass!

RON: Up there!

Nicky!

(AMY SCREAMS)

(SPLASH)

Amy! Under that ledge!


It's very delicate, the lawn.

You don't want to over-water, really.

Get her!

NICK: Amy?

Get away!

Please don't die.

(AMY COUGHING)

NICK: Amy.

(PHONE RINGING)

(QUARK BARKING)

(PHONE RINGING)

(PHONE RINGING)

(BARKS)

(PHONE RINGING)

MAE: No, Cathy. I just thought they might have stopped by.

Okay, listen. If you see 'em, just send 'em home?

Okay. You have a good weekend.

This is getting ridiculous. Where the hell are those kids?

(HORN HONKS)

No.

DON: We had to bring the dog.

I don't wanna hear anymore about the cat.

It's the Forresters. What are we gonna tell them?

How about the truth? Mae, what kind of an excuse is that?

Don!

DON: Hey, what's up?

How about catching some... (IMITATES REEL WHISTLE)

Good morning, Russell. (DON LAUGHS)

Hi, Gloria. Say good morning, Sushi.

Don, I... Well, the fishing report looks stellar. Let's make exhaust while the sun still shines, huh?

I called Charlie at Bass Lake. BIG RUSS: I know, but Don...

DON: He says the fish are jumping on the boat.

Oh! And I brought my new...

Donald, that man over there is flying.

Right, Gloria.

Don, uh, something's come up. I don't think we're gonna be able to make it. Maybe you ought to go on ahead.

What do... What do you mean you don't think you're gonna be able to make it? We're caravaning, good buddy!

Donald, I am... Not now, Gloria!

And besides, if you're not there by six, you'll lose your deposit.

Confidentially...

Mae hasn't been feeling too well.

Plumbing.

Plumbing?

Well, this isn't the big Russ Thompson I know. I mean, Plumbing would not stop the big Russ Thompson I know.

Especially with an $80 deposit on the line!

Don, hook a big one for me, okay?

Don?

Let's roll, Gloria.

Come on, get in. What's wrong with...

Come on.

(QUARK BARKING) Mm-hmm.

Did you tell him the truth? Honey!

Did they take it okay? Mae.

(HORN HONKS)

80 bucks, Mae. Non-refundable!

Those kids are grounded!

AMY: Ugh...

Mud is still mud, no matter how small you are.

I can't believe some stores actually charge for this stuff.

That was really great, what you did for Nick.

What about you, Amy? He saved you, too.

Yeah, I know, Nick.

Where'd you learn artificial respiration?

French class, kid. Oh.

French class?

How about a truce, okay?

Okay.

(HUMS)

I think this is the flagstone in the middle of the yard.

You mean we're halfway there?

AMY: Yeah, I think so.

LITTLE RUSS: Let's go!

French class.

I'd die for a strawberry sundae... with chocolate sprinkles and a banana split.

I could eat a corn dog the size of a truck.

Ron, if you had a corn dog, it would be the size of a truck.

I've died and gone to heaven.

It's as big as a house!

I saw it first! It's mine!

I got dibs on the cream filling!

AMY: Nick, it's one of your cookies!

They're never gonna believe this at school.

NICK: Yeah, I could just see the note to the teacher.

"Dear Miss Mason, Nicky's not absent, he's pinned to this note."

(SCREECHING)

(SCREAMS)

Guys, quick, over here! NICK: What happened?

Right there!

Nicky, hurry!

RON: If only we had some bug spray. That'd show him!

Quiet.

To him, we're the bugs!

If he finds us, he'll eat us.

Let's get out of here. RON: Wait a minute.

It's our cookie. I say we fight for it!

It's just one ant!

When was the last time you saw just one ant?

It's a scout. The rest will be here any minute.

NICK: Wait!

Do you ever see how fast ants go?

We could ride him... and get back to the house in no time!

AMY: Forget it, Nick!

NICK: Amy, he could take us all!

Ants can lift 50 times their weight.

RON: Fifty times?

That's like bench pressing a bulldozer!

Yeah, so think of what he could do to us.

Let's go before he brings the rest of them.

But he can't hurt us. He's just a baby.

Russ?

I say that ant is ours! Yeah!

Come on, you guys! BOYS: Geronimo!

NICK: Get him! RUSS JR: Around him!

(SCREECHES)

(RON SCREAMING) You guys! Nicky!

RON: Get him! AMY: Nicky, you're gonna get hurt!

Ron, be careful! Yee-haw!

Nick, over there! Over there! Whoa!

LITTLE RUSS: Get behind him!

AMY: Nicky, come back here. Nicky! Here, right now!

RON: Look out!

I'm afraid the others will come any second!

NICK: Help!

AMY: Nicky! LITTLE RUSS: Let's go, Nick!

AMY: Nicky, no! Get off of him! LITTLE RUSS: Nick, wrong end!

AMY: You're allergic to ants! Get away!

You're gonna get stung! RON: Whoa!

(YELLING)

Nicky, stop! Get away!

(YELLING)

Hey, Szalinski, look at the head!

LITTLE RUSS: Ron, go for it!

Hey, hello! Ant!

(WHISTLES)

AMY: Nice ant. Come on, you guys.

You guys, come on.

Somebody take this cookie!

Nicky, take this thing!

Help! Nicky!

Come on, you guys. This is your ant!

AMY: Nicky, help me! She did it.

AMY: Somebody help me! You know... your sister's not bad... AMY: Nicky! for a girl. Of course.

(BARKS AND WHIMPERS)

Quark, sit!

Sit, Quark! Stop.

Sit! Sit, boy!

Quark, get away from there.

Quark, come on.

Quark! Quark!

Get away, boy. Drop it!

Whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa!

Whoa!

(WAYNE YELLING)

Thank you, officer. We'd appreciate you sending somebody by.

Oh, okay, it's 646--

(WAYNE YELLING) (CRASH, SPLASH)

(QUARK BARKING)

That guy's got serious problems.

POLICEMAN: (ON PHONE) Mrs. Thompson. Hello?

646 Sycamore. Yes. (QUARK BARKING)

NICK: Great idea, Russ, even if the boy genius didn't think of it.

Drawbridge!

At this rate, we'll be home by dinner.

Maybe I can still go out... with Patty.

Well, our weekend's shot. We'll never get to go camping now.

I know Dad. We're grounded.

We are camping, Ron. Only better.

This is like a safari.

Hey, yeah. I never thought of it that way, you know?

(RON YELLS) Onward!

Amy?

Nick?

Wayne?

Yeah. Um, I would like to report, um, two missing children.

BIG RUSS: Well, instead of flapping your gums about it, why don't you go out--

POLICEWOMAN: I'm sure it's nothing to worry about.

This sort of thing happens all the time. You have a little spat with the kids... Whoa, we did not have a spat.

You were kind of upset about Russ quitting the team, hon.

Quit! I thought he was cut!

He was afraid to tell you he quit.

Quit... What do you mean he was afraid to tell me?

He can tell me anything he wants. You know me! I always listen!

Uh-huh.

What's "uh-huh" supposed to mean?

Russell! No. I don't like the way he said it.

POLICEWOMAN: You don't need to get upset, Mr. Thomson.

You know, it's not unusual for these runaways...

BIG RUSS: Whoa, my kids did not run away. They're happy kids, and there's no way you can make me believe that they ran away!

Here he goes with his writing again.

Don't you ever say ever anything? Uh-huh.

(SNORTS ANGRILY) Russell!

Why do I feel like I am the one on trial here?

I can't imagine, dear. What do you mean, you can't imagine?

Well, I think we have enough to get started.

Please, give us a call if you hear from the boys.

Fine.

Don't they need a warrant or something?

Russell, there's a few things about yourself I think you should know.

Well, like what?

MAE: Well, I think you need to sit down...

POLICEWOMAN: Oh, another missing children report.

644 Sycamore.

That's next door.

I called the police. What's on your head?

I was looking for the kids. Where, in a coal mine?

They're in the backyard. They are?

Diane, I got something real important to tell you.

That is the couch from the attic.

You can see the marks where Quark chewed the arms.

I found it on the floor. It's my thinking couch.

Wayne... are you trying to tell me... you did it?

It works?

The machine works?

Do the kids know? Well, yeah. The kids know.

That's great. It's not that great.

Why? I shrunk the kids.

What? And the Thompson kids, too.

They're about this big. They're in the backyard.

What? I threw them out with the trash.

(DOORBELL RINGS) Stay here. I'll get the door.

Yes?

Did, uh, you report some missing children?

Oh, there must be some mistake. Ours are in the backyard.

Right, honey?

(THUD)

She's...

Thank you!

(YAWNS)

How are you doing, boy? How about a pit stop?

What is it, Ron? Antie needs a recharge.

Here, you deserve this.

We're not gonna make it before dark.

Yeah, even if we did, the mall would be closed.

RON: Don't eat so fast.

Hey... that's my hand.

Why don't we let him go?

He's worn out, and his family might be worried about him.

It's okay with me. Yeah, me too, I guess.

Help me get off the harness.

(ANT PURRING)

You can go now.

(ANT MEWLING)

Come on. Just start walking. He'll get the idea.

Thanks for the lift, Antie.

You're free. You get home now.

Shoo! (ANT MEWLING)

Looks like you've got a new pet.

Dumb ant doesn't know what's best for him.

Go on! Go home!

Mom will never let me keep you.

Amy?

WAYNE: Nick? DIANE: Nick?

WAYNE: Are you there, kids? DIANE: Nicky!

Where are you?

WAYNE: Any luck? DIANE: No.

DIANE: Nick?

WAYNE: Amy?

(COUGHS)

WAYNE: Do you see anything yet?

DIANE: It's too thick.

It's supposed to be thick. It's grass!

Keep looking.

WAYNE: Nick? DIANE: Amy?

What was that? Ow!

Wa... Watch out! (GROANS)

Come on.

Ugh... Where did that come from?

Yeah, it's Dad's brand. He told us he quit!

Ugh. Looks like he started up again.

No, he only smokes when he's really worried about something.

(NICK COUGHS) Nicky, be careful!

(NICK GROANS, SPITS)

Hey. Hey, maybe we can use this.

(NICK COUGHS)

Cool! Now, we can see in the dark!

RON: Hey, Antie, look! Headlights!

BIG RUSS: I didn't force him to join the team.

MAE: I know, but you always make such a big deal out of sports!

BIG RUSS: Because sports build character.

MAE: No, they don't. They build muscle!

Russell, you've got to understand...

Wayne?

(MAE AND RUSSELL ARGUING) Yeah?

We've got to tell the Thompsons.

(PANTING)

What do you take me for? A complete idiot?

How did this happen? Hold on a second, Mae.

I'll handle it, all right?

How did this happen?

Well, the machine analyzes the molecular structure of each compound, and then through laser inversion, it takes...

Wait, Wayne, wait. I think the Thompsons need to see the couch.

This guy is a waste of skin. (SIGHS)

This is a microscope. I know.

Look in there.

All right.

You see, that's the couch that used to be sitting right over here until the machine shrunk it.

All right, so there's some doll furniture.

Big deal. They sell that kind of stuff at swap meets!

Why didn't you tell us earlier?

Well, until now, the machine just blew things up.

Are you saying that machine blew... Blew up my kids?

No, no, no. No, no, no.

If the machine had blown up the kids, there'd be pieces of them everywhere.

Wayne!

Sorry, I...

Look, I'm positive about this, okay?

The machine shrunk our kids.

You're the one who needs a shrink, Szalinski!

Russell! You are a nutcase.

And I'll tell you something. I have got an air hammer in my attic.

And if you did do something to my kids, there's gonna be pieces of you all over the neighborhood!

Come on, honey.

(DIANE SIGHS) I think that went well.

I think we should have them over more often.

BIG RUSS: Yeah, well, it's a priority for me.

Now why don't you do what you're paid to do?

Find my kids. (PHONE THUDS)

I thought you didn't believe him.

Well, I don't.

Electricity's cheap.


Come on!

Look at this! We don't have to sleep on the ground.

RON: What is it? One of my legos.

NICK: Give me a boost!

(GRUNTS)

Hey... not bad.

Yeah.

I don't even have to brush my teeth!

Quit pushing!

NICK: Move over! RON: You move over!

Why don't you take that one? Are you sure?

Yeah. I'd rather sleep down here.

Night, Antie.

Think they'll be warm enough?

They look fine to me.

You think you'll be warm enough?

Good night, Russ.

Good night, Amy.

RON: (MOCKING) Good night, Amy. NICK: (MOCKING) Good night, Amy.

(RON AND NICK GIGGLE)

WAYNE: Sorry, boy. I need the parts.

(ELECTRONIC MEOW) (QUARK BARKING OUTSIDE)

Are you okay?

I'm scared.

Somehow, I feel like this is all our fault.

No, it's my fault.

(SIGHS) I start working on something, and I... I don't think about anything else.

I should have been more careful with that thing.

I'm sorry.

That's not what I meant.

(SIGHS) You know, it's not important... if I sell another house, or if you get a grant this year or next.

We've just got to get this family back together.

I feel the same way.

I gotta fix the machine. You should get some sleep.

We gotta get up early and come out here and look for them.

No, I couldn't sleep.

Not with my babies out here all alone.

Ah, don't worry about them. They got the Thompson kids with them.

They'll be fine.

That's another thing I'm worried about.

Amy in the dark... with little Russ Thompson.

Get some rest.

They'd better behave themselves.

AMY: It's funny.

The moon looks the same size whether you're big or small.

Yeah. Tell that to my dad.

Why? Does he pick on you about your size?

The bigger the guy, the bigger the moon.

It's just the way he thinks.

Russ?

Yeah? How come you never came over before?

Well...

I mean... you talked to me once or twice last year.

I mean, I would've come by. I wanted to, but...

I guess I always thought you were too popular to notice me.

I was too popular to notice.

I was stupid.

(GROWLING) (RON AND NICK SCREAM)

LITTLE RUSS: Get down! Hurry! AMY: Nicky, get down!

LITTLE RUSS: Hurry! Ron, get down!

(RON SCREAMS) LITTLE RUSS: Run!

(GROWLS) (RON SCREAMS)

RON: Help!

Russ, help!

Help him! RON: Russ!

Stay here!

(SCORPION GROWLS) (RON SCREAMS)

No!

Ron, get out! Quick!

Get away!

(RON GRUNTS) (ROARS, HISSES)

(SCREAMS)

(ANT SCREECHES)

LITTLE RUSS: Come on, Ron! Hurry! AMY: Come on.

(PURRS)

(HISSES)

RON: He... He could get killed!

We got to do something!

He's just a baby. Sit down.

(THUD)

(THUD)

We've got to help him.

(THUD)

(SCREECHES)

Now!

RON: (YELLS) Antie! LITTLE RUSS: Get him!

LITTLE RUSS: (GRUNTS) Let him go!

AMY: Ahh! LITTLE RUSS: Watch out!

(RUSSELL GRUNTS)

Move back!

Where's Antie?

(ANT WHIMPERING)

RON: (YELLS) Antie!

NICK: There!

(WHIMPERS)

He looks hurt. No!

(ANT WHIMPERS)

You saved my life.

No, he's gonna be okay. LITTLE RUSS: Ron...


(BEEPING)


Where are you going?

Nature calls.

Boys on the right, girls on the left.

I must look absolutely gross.

(WAYNE SNORING)

I love you, Wayne Szalinski.


LITTLE RUSS: Okay, guys. Let's get moving.

It can't be much farther. Can't we sleep just a little longer?

Something's very weird here.

(RUMBLING)

What is it? Earthquake!

No, worse! Lawn mower!

(NICK SCREAMS)

(KIDS SCREAMING)

(NICK YELLING) Nicky!

(NICK SCREAMING)

(SCREAMS)

LITTLE RUSS: What is this?

AMY: I don't know, but I hope whatever lived here has moved out.

NICK: This is the burrow of a lumbricus terrestris.

RON: A what? Earthworm.

They're dormant this time of year.

Plug that in.

I'm almost done here.

(MOTOR RUNNING) Is that a chainsaw?

No, it's more like our lawn mower thing.

WAYNE: Tommy, stop the lawn mower! DIANE: Tommy!

DIANE: Tommy, stop! Stop!

WAYNE: Tommy! Tommy! DIANE: Tommy! Tommy!

DIANE: Stop! Get over here! WAYNE: Don't go on the grass!

WAYNE: Tommy! DIANE: Tommy!

All right, together! One, two, three...

BOTH: Tommy!

Tommy!

I think we'll be safe in here.

(RUMBLING) (SCREAMS)

AMY: Nicky!

DIANE: Come on, come on!

No!

No! Help!

RON: Help!

LITTLE RUSS: Amy, don't let go! NICK: Amy!

(AMY YELLS)

Amy! (YELLS)

LITTLE RUSS: Hold on!

WAYNE: Give me that thing!

(KIDS SCREAMING)

Nick said I could cut it, I swear... When did you see Nick?

Did you see him this morning? No, it was yesterday.

Really, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be so late.

It's okay, sweetie. It's okay.

Here, why don't you go home? Go on through the house. It's safer.

Safer?

I thought my folks were weird.

LITTLE RUSS: My knee. (RON MOANS)

Is everyone okay?

I feel like a banana whip.

(MOANS)

Nick? Nick, are you all right?

Nicky?

(NICK SNEEZES)

Dad?

Mom!

Down here! Mom! Mom, Dad!

Dad, over here! (RUSSELL WHISTLES)

(KIDS YELLING)

Down here, Mr. Szalinski!

(DOOR BANGS)

(NICK SNIFFLES) We'll make it, Nick.

RON: They're never gonna find us.

We were right under their noses. and they didn't even see us!

Don't panic, Ron. We'll... we'll find a way, okay?

I'm not panicked. Who's panicked?

Nobody's panicked!

(GASPS)

NICK: Quark!

Come on, everybody, grab on!

AMY: Go inside, Quark. Find Dad!

(BARKS)

(HISSES) (GROWLS)

(QUARK WHIMPERS) (CAT MEOWS)

(BARKING)

(NICK YELLING) AMY: Nicky!

Quark, what's gotten into you? (WHIMPERS)

NICK: Dad!

I think he just misses the kids.

(AMY YELLS) Dad, stop!

NICK: No!

NICK: Dad!

I'll tell you. At their size...

LITTLE RUSS: Mr. Szalinski! that backyard is like ten miles.

Giant blades of grass, huge insects. (KIDS SCREAM)

It's a jungle out there.

They're gonna head right for the house.

(KIDS SCREAM)

Yeah, you're probably right.

No! (QUARK BARKING)

AMY: Look down here! LITTLE RUSS: Mr. Szalinski!

No, Dad!

Help!

Dad, don't! Don't!

Just gotta keep our eyes open.

Help! Don't eat me!

Ow! (WHIMPERS, BARKS)

Oh, my God. Look at this.

I'm down here, Dad! Dad!

It's Nick! Oh, Nicky! Hi, baby!

He's pointing at something.

Look, it's the rest of them.

(CHEERING)

I'm gonna go get the Thompsons.

Hang on, kids!

(CRACKLING, ZAPPING)

It obviously worked on the kids. I just don't get it.

Well, you better get it, Szalinski.

Russ, you're not helping.

BIG RUSS: So, I'm not helping. MAE: Russell, you got to understand.

NICK: Baseball!

Nick's trying to say something.

I can't make it out.

NICK: (YELLS) The baseball, Dad!

What are you saying, Nick?

Swinging?

Sounds like-- It's semaphore, Mae.

Wait! Uh...uh, flapping!

WAYNE: Pitching. MAE: Um...

BIG RUSS: Throwing. NICK: You're out! You're out!

Baseball!

NICK: Yes! LITTLE RUSS: Right!

RON: The baseball! LITTLE RUSS: The ball!

Baseball?

Good, honey.

Holy smokes. It's the laser!

I got it. The ball came through the window, and activated the machine, and got in the path of the laser.

Why didn't I think of this before?

I could take a wild guess. Shh!

It's creating too much heat That's way everything was blowing up!

Thanks, Nick! All right, Nicky!

Diane, you take the spoon. I'll get the machine...

Hold it, Szalinski. This gizmo's been blowing up fruit.

And you're not trying it on my kids until you try is on something living!

(QUARK WHIMPERS)

You know something? Maybe I should do it on myself.

I'll show you how to work the machine. It's not that hard.

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER) No, no!

Do it on me. Are you sure, honey?

How'd those get there?

(MACHINE WHIRRING, BEEPING)

Okay, Szalinski, shoot.

No reason this shouldn't work now. Huh?

WAYNE: Stand back!

Honey, you're so brave. Come on, Mae. Come on. Come.

(SIGHS)

Russ, are you okay? Yeah, why?

So... if this works, do you want to go to the dance on Friday?

Can you dance?

Not really. I'd love to.


MAE: Oh!

BIG RUSS: Russ, Ron! RON: Dad!

Oh, I knew my boys wouldn't run away.

Are you and Dad okay? Yeah.

RON: All the way across the yard.... DIANE: We're great.

RON: For miles! BIG RUSS: Really?

LITTLE RUSS: Sorry about the grass stains, Mom.

MAE: Oh, don't worry, honey, I'll get 'em out.

RON: He saved me from a giant scorpion.

I was stuck with Amy for a while. She's all right.

I was right, wasn't I? It was the ball, wasn't it?

You were right. You were brilliant!

I wanted to go fishing, Dad. I didn't mean to mess everything up.

I know, Ronnie. I know. LITTLE RUSS: Dad?

If you really want me back on the team...

I don't care about the team. I care about you!

I'm proud of you.

AMY: I need to take a shower!

BIG RUSS: Szalinski.

BIG RUSS: Let's eat!

Honey, make a toast. WAYNE: Good idea.

BIG RUSS: Oh, great. MAE: Oh, I love toasts.

To the Thompsons and the Szalinskis, and many more dinners together. Cheers.

(GLASSES CLINKING) Though I think we're gonna be having leftovers for a while.

Wonder what's for dinner. Right, Russ?

Well, I guess I gotta carve this thing, huh?

BIG RUSS: Hey, want to use my chainsaw?

DIANE: Who wants bread?

(CHATTER AND LAUGHTER)

NICK: Hey, wait!

I get it!

French class! Ha-ha!