Hooking Up (2020) Script

Subtitles: Hooking.Up.2020.1080p.WEBRip.x264

The letters of the alphabet teach us to be confident.

♪ A is always ♪

♪ Be yourself ♪

♪ C is for chasing All of your dreams ♪

♪ D, yay ♪

♪ E is for everyone having ♪ Fuck!

Hold on, wait, there's something...

Shut up. - No, I got something.

I'm almost there. - Hold on.

Shut up. - What the hell is this?


What's going on?

Where are you going? - I'll let you finish up.

Hey, you gonna leave me hanging?

Nice meeting you.

Come on, can't you give a guy a hand?

I'm sure you can figure it out.

Oh, go fuck yourself.

I do. I get off faster that way.

Oh! - Whoa.

Eyes on the road, please.

Watch where you're going.

You walk backwards and I should watch where I'm going?

Yeah, sure, that makes a lot of sense.

Parent-teacher conference.

Yeah, right.

Ms. Kelly. - You caught me.

Not exactly the kindergarten teacher type.

Excuse me, you know smoking indoors has been illegal for like 10 years, right?

What? No, someone definitely would have told me.

You know, you really shouldn't light that.

Calm down, hall monitor.

If anyone's getting cancer around here, it's me.


Is this... - Sex addicts?

It's a room full of 'em, so welcome to the sausage party, sister.

You guys meet in a grade school?

No one thinks that's a little pervy?

Well, we used to meet in the basement over at St. Patrick's...

Is that any good?

I've had better but I'm...


Sorry I'm late.

Quite a line in the men's room, believe it or not.

He's the group leader?

Tell me about it.

He's certainly not making this easy for us.

Well, this is awkward.

I obviously don't need to be here but if you could just sign this little piece of paper saying I was though, then I'll shove off and avoid making this any weirder than it already is.


How about we skip the intro today and dive right into a newcomer share?

Darla here would like to go first.

Hi, Darla.

Oh. Sup.

Uh, I was actually just leaving.

If you could just sign that.

So soon?

What, was it something we did or didn't do?

Oh, no, I was just regretting that I came.

Well, it says here that you were court-ordered to attend.

Yeah, I don't really know how any of this works, so...

I'm sure you can figure it out.

Oh. - Won't you have a seat?

Great to have you.

All right.

Most kids got toys or a pet that year.

I got a pack of smokes.

It's a right of passage in my family, so now here I am.

Youngest of seven and the only one in treatment.

Thank you for your courage, Aida.

I hope you come to see this group as your surrogate family.

Who'd like to share next?


Welcome back. It's been a while.

What's going on?

I'm just, uh, stopping in.

Had my one year check-in.

Uh, waiting to hear the results.

It's probably fine.

There's nothing wrong with a little scanxiety.

We've all been there, right?

Who else wants to share?

We actually have ten for a thousand...

Yeah, I'll take your number down.

Bailey, it's your mother.

Please don't send me to voice mail.

I know how technology works.

I just texted you a photo of your father in front of his new gym.

Isn't he handsome?

He'd love to show you the new location next time you're in town.

Speaking of, Karen Carthright is throwing a retirement party next week.

I hear Liz will be there.

You should be there too.

We'd love to see you both, together.

Okay, son, love you.

It's time, man. Seriously.

You gotta get rid of that photo behind the desk.

It's fucking weird.

Oh, is that still? Oh, that's right, yeah.

You just need to get laid, all right? And move on.

Speaking of, she's been checking you out over there, hard.

Go holler at her, see for yourself.

Hey, Liz.

What are you doing here?

The garbage man tried to take this again today even I've assured them many times you would come by to pick it up.

Oh, yeah, I'm sorry about that.

It's fine, it's the last one.

Yeah, but you know, I was actually hoping that we could go through this stuff together, you know.

A lot of this stuff is actually yours.

Like this.

That is not mine.

Yeah, I got that for your birthday last year.

You know, I got the matching ones?

I really appreciate the thought, Bailey, but I don't think we should have matching snuggies anymore.

Mostly because we're adults.

Oh, you know, it's funny, I don't even draw anymore.

Yeah, I spend my time doing more productive stuff, like you said.


Okay, I gotta run.

Uh, hey, what are you up to later?

I was thinking maybe we could, like, grab lunch, something like, oh, you know, there's a new exhibit at the...

We've talked about this.

You need to start hanging out with other people.

At the very least, call your parents.

My mom said they're really worried about you.

I really have to go.


Okay. - Cool.

It's good to see you.

Darla Bean!

Yes, your highness? - Get in here, now!

Hey, Frank.

Ooh, new desk?

I like it.

What the fuck is this?

Based on its current condition, I'm gonna say my latest column?

I'm guessing no gold stars?

"Nothing kills the high of a Friday night office hookup like a Saturday morning brunch and 'bortion."

Hashtag brunch and 'bort.

You think this is funny.

Yes? - I don't know what's worse, the fact that you think it's okay to lampoon an abortion...

Well, if you can't laugh about it.

Or this.


Come on and turn.

What? - Fuck me.

I am!

I'm really glad you like the desk, seeing as it's coming out of your severance.

You told me to write about office romance.

And instead you made a sex tape.

Wait, you got an abortion?

Was it mine?

Yes, Franklin, you knocked me up so fast, I had to Uber straight to the clinic.

This isn't a joke. - I didn't get an abortion.

Did you guys never go to health class?

First, I bail you out of a sexual harassment case.

Oh please, I was flirting.

And now you're fucking interns at the office.

And you get another titillating column and he gets another notch on his tiny little belt.

Everyone wins.

I put up with your shit because your stories were good.

But now they're... they're unrelatable and, frankly, offensive.


You're fired.

So are you.

But I don't get paid!


You can't fire me.

My column is a very integral part of this publication.

The column is, yes, but you're not the one writing it anymore.

I am the column!

I inspire millions of women to reignite their burnout sex lives.

I'm like the Oprah of orgasms.

Every lady gets one!

Well, they'll just have to get them from someone else.

I find the weirdest, raciest shit and I live it.

Who else is gonna do that?

Look, you're not the only nympho that can formulate a sentence.

Call me Tanya!

Tanya. - Say that I'm the boss.

You're the boss. - Yeah, I am!


Okay, I get it.

I fucked up, I did.

I vow to keep going to that group of degenerates, never boink another coworker, and to be more responsible.

We cool? - Stop by HR on your way out.

They'll go through your severance package.

Tanya, I got a rap sheet working for you.

Nobody else is gonna hire me now.

This is all I'm good at.

I'm sorry.

But your stories lately just aren't worth fighting for.

Please tell me you left.

Got it.

Where are you going?

Find a story.

Something good enough to put this bullshit to bed.

Oh fuck.

Fuck. Stop.

Go back to your makeup tutorials.

God, oh god, oh god, oh god, yes, yes, yes!

Ah ah.

I'm sorry.

Happens all the time.

You might want to sit down.

Please don't send me to voice mail, Liz.

I know how technology works.

Bailey, what the hell are you doing here?

I saw your story. - Okay, you need to get off my Instagram.

I just got some really bad news.

Can we please?

Oh, terrific.

Uh, no.

Can you please bring another one of those?

Wow, that is really good.

What is this place anyway?

Like some sort of like hipster hat bar or something?

Okay, you need to leave now.

Liz, this is serious.

Yeah, it always is with you.

You can figure this out on your own.

Oh, thank you.

No, okay, he's not my date. Please stop giving him drinks.

You're on a date?

Yes, I'm dating, and so should you.

Now go.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Look, I know I haven't been great about giving you your space, but this is different.

Can we please just talk?

Somewhere preferably with less of these hats?

I mean, just, it's all the same. It's like they sell them here.

No, no, we can't. I'm leaving town tonight.


No, not forever.

I'm going home for my mom's retirement party.

And honestly, I feel like we shouldn't see each other for a while.


I love you.

Look, Bails.

How are we supposed to know that we're meant to be together if we've never been with anybody else?

So you want me to be with someone else, so then we can be together?

No, you're missing the point.

Your white knight has returned, princess.

Who's this dude?

Who is this dude?

Okay, first of all, not a princess, don't need saving.

And second of all, this is my old friend.

Bailey was just saying goodbye.

Can you pick up the pace, bro?

Gonna need another glass of that.

I'll take a whiskey, neat.

Just kidding.

No, this warm sludge looks delicious.

Want to fill me up?

You know, this is only my second meeting, but what do you say we blow this sad little circlejerk and get the hell out of here?

Hey, hey.


Whew, honey, you look a little flushed.

You wanna have a seat?

Just right over there.

Bye, Tom.

Are you trying to give that man a heart attack?

Why do you take this shit so seriously?

Because it works.

You know what?

I know a sponsor I can introduce you to.

I don't need a sponsor.

No offense, but I'm not an addict.

I write a sex column and I'm here doing some research.

Sex column?

Darla, this might be a joke to you, but it's very real for us.

So why don't you have a seat and treat the people in here with some respect?

Maybe that way you'll find something worth writing about.

Step eight.

Make a list of all persons we have harmed and be willing to make amends.

This is a tough one.

But in order to understand the extent and pattern of my addiction, it helped me to recognize those that I had hurt.

Does he think vaginas have teeth?

In your case, I'm pretty sure it has fangs.

I brought paper and pencils and, hell, I even have a road map for those who need help jogging their memory.

This step helped me earn back my wife's trust and get my impulses under control.

Did you write my name down or did you put your wife's name down again?

You know, you might actually need this.

A whole map.

Circle all the places I've fucked?

Are you sure this isn't gonna make you jealous?

Oh, have at it.


Okay, I'm ready to share.

This is me? - Oh shit.

Oh, a lot of new faces.

Hey, excuse me, sir, I think you're mistaken...


I think I got this.

Well, it's back, baby.


That's testicular cancer, if you're nasty.

I got cancer in my testicles.

You know, and I already survived it once.

They cut... They cut off my left testicle.

And so I was all good, fairy-tale ending.

Man loses ball, call it a day.

Then, now, mysteriously there's a magical lump on my right guy, so the doctor says we won't know how bad it is till we chop it off.

And mind you, he didn't say chop it off...

Should someone tell this guy that AA is upstairs?

But supposedly there's a chance it's not malignant, so you know, I'll probably survive it.

I won't die from it.

Lucky me.

But now, I'm an eligible bachelor, who's gonna want me now, you know?

Right when maybe had a chance to get back with my ex-fiancée.


You're Kindergarten Kelly.

I remember you 'cause I remember from the other room.

Careful, everybody, look out.

This one's a predator.

Told you not to smoke. Lo and behold, here you are too.

Hey, actually I recognize you too.

Let's get you some water. Maybe a stomach pump?

That'd be fun.

Yeah. You're good-lookin'.

Let's get you outta here.

Hey, you know, actually it's pretty serendipitous that you're here.

And on account of my junk being sent to the nether realms, maybe you could help me with a little secret mission?

Oh yeah? - Yeah.

It's intercourse with me.

Oh, my God. Nice.


Well, I'm flattered.

And I'm very sorry about your balls, but man, do you have the wrong room.



My bad, y'all.

All right, let's get you outta here.

Yeah. - Can you walk?

I walk with the best, watch this.

There he goes.


Psh. You wouldn't expect it, I walk fine.

Step eight though.

You guys are all doing it, and I'm proud of ya.

I'm proud of ya.

You guys, one day at a time.

Oh, it's right there, says it on the thing.

We're good, yeah, bring that.

Don't wanna waste it.

I'm really sorry. I have no idea what that was.

All right, so with one, how does that work exactly?

Do you still get hard, just...

Oh, okay.

You okay?

I saved it.

Got most of it out in the parking lot anyway.


Please don't puke on me.

I'm less likely to bang somebody if I get puked on.

Oh, you mean my very charming proposition?

Yeah, you made quite a speech back there.

Yeah, I have no more dignity to lose.

There's not even napkins, it's ridiculous.

I have some tissues, here.

You going somewhere?

No, absolutely not.

Just some dumb exercise that douchebag made us do.

Probably so he could brag about his own sexual conquests.

What kind of exercise is that?

I think we were supposed to make a list of all the people that we had sex with and circle the places on a map.

So they're encouraging you to rehash your sexual history?

But isn't that like triggering?

I don't know.

You have to like revisit all the places?

No, that would be insane.

I mean, all my sexual history could fit on a bar napkin.

I could help you with that. - Oh yeah?

You wanna revisit all your past romps with me?

Show me how it's done?

That's actually not a bad idea.


No, seriously.

You're about to have a life-changing surgery and you could have one last hurrah.

Check some things off the old bucket list.

And I would get my...

The catharsis that I need for my therapy.

Aren't you supposed to not be having sex?

It would just be you and me the whole time.

You don't go to the classes.

I go to the classes all the time.

And you're just not supposed to have sex with a lot of people.

The opposite of promiscuity is monogamy.

Wouldn't that be like abstinence?

Agree to disagree.

You'd be helping me with step eight, with the list of people that I had sex with and remembering who those people were.

Darla, look.

You're a very nice lady.

I mean, I think, I don't know.

But I can't go on a cross-country trip with you.

I don't even know you.


Can I get the check, please?

Thank you, by the way.

I thought we were gonna help each other but if you're cool with getting sterilized without so much as a send-off, then that's on you.

Headed for Dallas for my mom's retirement party, which is next week, and I am so excited!


When is this trip supposed to start?

I don't know, tomorrow.


But I have one condition. - Oh yeah?

What's that?

We have to stop in Dallas.

No, I didn't fuck anybody in Dallas, weirdly.

Look, if you want me to go on your sex therapy trip with you, you have to go to Dallas with me.

Something for something.

Visa versa.

Two peas in a pod.

This a staring contest?

Because if it is, I guarantee you I never lose 'em.

Or have I blinked?

I can't... that was a blink.

Round two.

She's your daughter, figure it out.

Oh, come on.

Jay. Jay!

Uh-huh. Fuck, fuck.

Tanya. I have an idea.

You're fired, go home. - Hear me out.

I don't have time for this.

I do not have time for you, I don't have time for my deadbeat ex-husband, I don't have time for my board of directors, who don't seem to understand that we are treading water in a dying industry because they've never heard of the fucking Internet.

I consider firing you to be a mercy killing.

You're so welcome.

I'm really sorry about all that, by the way, but I have an idea.

What if I went back and I relived my history?

My sexual history.

Every raunchy hookup, every backroom romp, every dirty debacle, and I do it again.

Everywhere I fucked before, but like a do-over.

Why? - Because it's never been done before.

And because it'll sell magazines.

And because I really need my job back.

I'm not gonna condone you prostituting yourself for a story.

Yes, wait. But I met this guy.

He has cancer and he's about to lose both of his balls, he's a total mess, and it'll just be me and him having sex the whole time.

And he's the story.

This guy's really about to be castrated and he knows that you're writing about him?


Yeah, under a pseudonym.

Give me a chance at a feature.

I just fired you, I'm not promoting you.

Fair. I'll do it as a column piece. - No.

Fine, fine. I will use the blog. The fucking blog.

I will spice up the web presence for those dinosaur board of directors, you know?

Show 'em what the Internet's really all about.

Please, please consider it?

I want live posts from the road.

I want daily entries on how this guy's dealing with his condition and how sex and love change with age and maturity.

Thank you. - And I'm not paying you.

Cover my expenses? - No.

Lube? Condoms?

Do not fuck this up.

What if I nail it? - Then we'll talk.

Okay, no. - I'm sorry.

I love that shirt. Ah!

Your readers are gonna suck their own dicks!

Shh! - Yeah, too much, okay.


You know, we can take my car if we need to.

No, we're taking my car. Get in.

Just, it looks like you just bought that on Craigslist.

I did.

Like a while ago, when Craigslist just first started.

Yeah, this is Craig's car.

Oh. - Get the fuck in.

This doesn't look like it's gonna make it, the trip, you know?

Well, you better fucking hurry!

Yeah, I better.

Your chariot awaits, sir.

Hi, Mr. Brighton, this is Dr. Kaydan's office, calling to schedule your orchiectomy.

We had a cancellation it looks like and I can actually get you on the schedule tomorrow.

So please give us a call back as soon as you can.

Thank you.

So work was cool with you just taking off like this?

I played the cancer card, again.

It's my second time actually.

I do it a third time, they'll definitely fire me.

Cause you don't have three balls. - Exactly, that's why.

Where are we going exactly? - Right.

Consider this our Bible.

We're gonna hit every X on that map.

Except for the Atlanta area, that was a clusterfuck.

Literally. - Whoa!

What? What's wrong with your face?

All of these Xs. - Yeah.

You had sex in all these places?


I was expecting a lot, but like I wasn't expecting this many.

All right, you're either judging me or underestimating me and either way I don't like it.

I'm not judging you, it's just, I mean?

College wasn't really my thing and so after high school, I just took off, moved around a lot.

Your parents were cool with that?

Just me and my mom, and she's got a...

A thing.

Took her a week to even notice I was gone.

What's this little mark right here?

Oh, that is our first stop.

It's at the airport? - Yeah.

Grab us one of those back there, would ya?


I mean, is this trip sponsored?

So were you like picking up a boyfriend or?

Never had one.

So who was this guy?

I don't know, some flight attendant.

Had terrible breath, I remember that.

So why'd you have sex with him?

My flight was delayed.

The... I'm sorry, what?

No, random people don't just, you know, like...

Men aren't that complicated.

If you wanna get laid, you just walk up and you ask them.

No, can't be that easy.

Just come on. - Okay.

This feels so wrong.

Why are you whispering? - I don't know.

All right, come on, let's do this.

I was in one of these stalls, I think it was this one.

Come on!

Oh, wait, I have to pee.

Okay. - Ew, you just peed.

Jesus Christ.

Come on.

Wait, what?

You have two, I'm so confused.

One of 'em's silicone.

You have a nut implant?

They do that?

That's amazing.

Well, thank you for your stellar review.

Okay, come on.

This is what happened.

He was sitting here. - Excuse me.

Some sanitation, please.

Here, princess.

There you go. - Thank you.

You know, actually maybe we should just like share a meal first or something.

The more you talk, the less I want to do this.

Yes or no?


Okay, carry me to the sink.

What? - That's what happened.

We fucked here and then he carried me to the sink.

What if someone comes in? - Well, then make it quick.

Come on!

Must I do everything?

Okay, go to the sink.



Someone's coming.


Back to the stall, go!

Oh shit, oh shit. - Oh god!

Oh shit!

Oh shit!


You see, Darla, this is where normal people usually have sex.

You should look into it.

Feels nice to get some comfies on.

What, you're not a PJ person?

I've got a snuggie if you want.

There's literally nothing I want less.

You know, there's enough space on this bed for both of us.

Oh, I'm good.

Oh, you're afraid I'm gonna put the moves on you?

Night, Bailey.

Whatcha working on there, stranger?

Uh, nothing.

Just journaling.

Anything about me?

Don't flatter yourself.

Just checking.

You still haven't told me what kind of writing you do.

Yeah, well, I guess we still have a lot to learn about each other.

Gonna get in the shower.

We should probably pack up.

Let's just say on this next stretch, I made a lot of friends.

Wait, so we have to do it exactly the same way it was, otherwise it doesn't count?

Whatever happens at X is what we need to do there.

Penetration, vaginal, anal, just the tip, hand jobs, blow jobs... - Okay.

Around the back, going down.

I'm very uncomfortable.

I bet you slayed in college.

Before I got engaged? - Yeah.

What's your number?

How many people have you fucked?

We're about to do a lot of fucking so I want to know what I'm working with here.

Uh, no. - How about we say it at the same time?

This is childish.

Okay, on the count of three, ready?

We don't need to do that. - One, two...

Not gonna give a number out to whoever. - Three.

It's two! - 169.

169? Will you please look at the road?

You've had sex with two people?

Liz and I were high school sweethearts.

We went to college together.

Oh, my God. So at least there's another person, thank God.

Who's the other person?


I'm number two?

I said we were high school sweethearts.

I've had sex before, just always with Liz.

This is the most terrifying thing that you could ever tell me other than "Here, smell this rag" or "I think I love you."

You're terrified?

You're terrified?

Have you seen this map?

All right. - All these Xs?

I mean, there's like eight more Xs before we leave the state.

We're already in this together, so I guess I'm just gonna deal with it.


What are you doing?

Don't smoke in the car with me.

What do mean? - I've got cancer!

Got some more of these.

I can't look at the map and drive at the same time.

Where are we right now? - Stop doodling. I need you to help me!

I am, okay. - I think we're lost.

Get off on 59. I don't think we're lost.

Can I help you with anything? - No. No, no, no.

Okay, I'm just checking. I'm here for you.

Uh, it's just, must be the cold or something.

It's not that cold.

Too much? Okay, okay.


You walk into any place with confidence, you can have sex in that place.

Or you just wear a camo shirt because then they can't see you.

Exactly, and they're like "Thank you for your service."

To fucking halfway across America.


To be honest, I didn't think you were gonna cut it.

Well, sex can be a compelling motivator, especially with you.

Wait a second. What is this?

Can you give that back, please? - Is this me?

It's nothing, it's just I got bored when you were in the bathroom. - Shit, Bailey.

I saw you sketching before but I didn't realize I was shagging Picasso.

I'm more of a Shepard Fairey, Robin Velghe kind of guy.

You're in deep with this shit.

Did you go to art school?

Yeah, right.

Father would've disowned me. Yeah...

If I hadn't followed Liz to Atlanta, I probably would've been running one of his gyms by now.

And instead you're slumming it at someone else's.

Nice. - Yeah.

I mean, what else am I gonna do?

This, you should do this. It's sexy.

Are you feeling any better?

The therapy stuff, is any of this actually helping?


Yes, it is helping, thank you for asking.

And you? You wanted to get laid. We've been doing a lot of that.

Oh, careful what you wish for.

Maybe your list can fit on a few of these now and maybe soon after your surgery, you'll be able to conquer a whole paper towel.

I'm not sure I'm gonna go through with that.

I didn't realize that was optional.

Well, it's just kinda not loving the idea of becoming a eunuch.

Maybe I just might take my chances.

Yeah, I hear that works out really well for people who take their chances with life-threatening diseases.

Hey, can we not talk about this?

Yeah, sorry.

I get it, you're anxious.

Is that why you've been having issues lately, getting full mast?

Oh, no.

Are you talking about the bus? - Talking about your penis.

Actually, that's very normal. - It's normal?

You know how long we've been going at it... - A doctor.

My equipment works fine, all right? - I know.

You're smiling.

Look, all right, I'll prove it, okay?

Where's next?

Oh, see, look, look.

We skipped a spot.

We'll just circle back 60 miles.

No, we don't need to go back. - No, no skipping.

We'll just like turn around tomorrow morning.

We have so many more places to go, so we should just get a move on and go to those places.

Yeah, but we've hit every X before this one.

Why all of a sudden are you so fine with missing one?

Just because we're skipping a spot doesn't put the whole trip in jeopardy.

Why are you so willing to skip steps? What about step eight?

Step eight of 12. You can't just like skip steps.

Otherwise you're just standing still. It's not an escalator that's gonna carry you up through the steps.

And guess what? Even on an escalator, the steps come back around.

You can't just like skip them. - Fine, we will go.

Whatever. - All right.

Oh, like right now?

Generous tip.

Thank you.

Check the mailbox.

I can't believe he still lives here.

I'm gonna scope it out.

Wait here.

I don't care.



Why am I doing this? What am I doing?

Shut up. - Shh. You shut up.

I can hear you. If I can hear you, everyone can hear you.

No one's crazier than me. Why am I doing this?

Shh, shh.

Oh, my God.

Coast is clear.

I checked all the windows, nobody's home.

Let's do this.

So are we going in through the chimney or?

I remember where the hide-a-key is.

So moody, it's like a cave in here.

Look at all these brochures.

Look, they must be on vacation.

Oh, Hawaii, nice.

All right, so ready to go down by the door, out here and the bedroom knowing you?


Kitchen, okay.

Okay, I've made an assessment and knowing you, I think I hit the jackpot.

Counter, right?

I was there.

So close.

I should get points for trying at least.

Just different counters.

Are you okay?

She was there.


The wife.

The wife from the picture.

She was standing there before she ran out.

I did this to her.


Oh, my God.


Don't touch me.

I'm sorry, I just...

I just don't know what's happening.

Nothing's happening.

Nothing's happening, I didn't even know this guy.

You don't have to tell me if you don't...

I'm not... I'll tell you. I don't care.

I met him at a bar.

He said his wife was out of town.

And when she walked in... no one has ever looked at me like that.

And I was just sitting there with my legs open, just staring at her.

And I knew I had done something fucked up, but I didn't know what to do.

And she left bawling in her car and he went out after her.

And you wanna know the fucked up thing?

The most fucked up part is that I remember thinking

I didn't even get off.

She didn't even make it a mile.

She ran a red light, got hit by a truck.

And when I passed in the cab, the ambulance was already there.

And I just passed on by them.

I heard that they were still together and that she was fine.

I didn't know that...

That she's in a wheelchair.

I'm... I'm so sorry. - Don't... apologize to me.

You don't think I knew what I was doing?

You don't think that I saw his fucking wedding ring?

I knew what I was doing.

You can't blame yourself.

Of course I fucking can.

I... This was just me getting laid.

I destroyed these people's lives, I destroyed this family.

Well, I mean, he shouldn't have been fucking around with you.

If it wasn't for me, these kids would be able to have a mom who isn't...

Look, yes.

You fucked up, okay?

But this, this isn't your fault.

You don't know shit.

Oh, you're alive.

Where are we?

This is Dallas. It's my parents' house.


No. - It's part of the deal, remember?

I thought you were joking.


In fact, I kinda need you to pretend to be my girlfriend.

That's weird. Yeah, no, I know that's weird.

But my parents think I'm a mess right now, so I really could use your help getting them off my back, so if that's cool with you. If you're cool, I'm cool.

Great. I'll see you in the house.

I'm gonna drive away. I'm definitely driving away.

I'm gonna drive away. I can just drive away.

Definitely driving away.

Dinner's delicious, Mom.

Thank you, son.

As always, looks and cooks.

Have you ever met a woman that could whip up a spread like this?

I was raised on microwave dinners and canned food, but, thank you, I've known a few attractive cooks in my day.

Darla, is that your car parked in front of the house?

Mm-hmm. I kidnapped your son for a tour of debauchery.

Therapy. It's a therapy tour.

That's actually how we met, it's a cancer thing.

Oh dear. You're a patient too?

Yes. It's my breasts, they're toast.

As fake as they come.


Oh, see, I can spill mashed potatoes on 'em and can't feel a thing.

Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. Can't feel a thing.

I've read about this, chemo brain?

Oh, no, Darla's very healthy. - Oh.

We both are. Never better.

What did the doctor say?

Uh, Yeah, I just had a checkup actually.

All clear.

Yeah, work's great too.

It's like a lot of new clients, gym's very busy.

Well, your father's opening was a huge success.

You know, we've been thinking about expanding.

To Georgia.

Maybe we can make this a family business.

Be so good for you, son, when you're ready to start a family?

I think he could really make some money with those drawing skills.

I think he could be the next Shepherd's Pie.

Fairey. - Fairey.

Shepard Fairey. - Whatever.

Bailey understands that drawing is not a career, it's a hobby.

Well, you could say the same thing about fitness.

And what exactly do you do, Darla?

Mm? Oh, me.

I'm a writer.

For a magazine, a very famous magazine.

It's very famous.

And we hire artists like him all the time.

Huh. - Which one?

Which one? - Mm-hmm.


What a question. I don't think you've heard of it probably.

Oh, I'm sure we have.

We read all the big ones, what, Men's Fitness, Men's Health, Men's Journal.

Seems to be a theme going on.

My husband likes to stay current with the industry.

Well, my industry is more of like a women also exist... thing.

How long have you two been dating?

Only a few weeks. - Months.

Months! - Few months.

Months, weeks, hard to tell.

'Cause we're having so much fun.

Well, Bailey's mother and I dated for 10 years before we married.

We were high school sweethearts. - Mm-hmm.

And speaking of, Liz flew into town.

I'm sure she's gonna be very happy to see you.

Liz is here. - Mm-hmm.

Hm. - Oh, she is?

Bailey, I told you last week when I texted you those messages that you...

Oh, I think we're just so tired from the drive here.

Wow. - I think I'm just gonna hit the hay.

So what time should we be ready for the party tomorrow?

I thought this would be more of a family thing.

No. Liz.

D-Darla's coming, right?

Yeah, I'm coming.

I can't wait to talk more about my cancer and our... loving relationship.

Son, please make sure that you show Darla the guest bedroom.

Yes, Mom.


Hey. - Oh, wow.

Holy shit.

You didn't tell me you grew up in "The Wonder Years."

I'm sorry about them.

Yeah. I mean, one dinner with your parents and I'm surprised you're not a full serial killer.

You did go a bit pathological though.

It's just so frustrating.

I just wanted to get my mind off of this, but like what if it's worse?

You know, what if it's spreading?

You're gonna be fine.

You don't know that.

It's not like I'm ever gonna have a family.

And even if I did, I couldn't get up without a testosterone injection.

This... This is it for me.

Jesus, don't you think you're being just a little dramatic?

Okay, let's say that I managed to get a second date, huh?

What happens when my fake balls come out?

Who's gonna want that?

First off, balls stay in the pants until they're invited out.

Agreed. - Second, chicks don't care about balls.

And also, that is such a double standard.

Since when has a guy ever turned down a girl with fake tits?

Never. Literally, it's never happened.

I guess you'd know, right, breast cancer?

Yes. Yeah, no thanks to you.

Maybe you should follow suit, get some upgrades.

Old grapefruits swinging from your branch.

Maybe it'll be your foray into porno stardom.

Mm-hmm. - Uh-huh.

What's your porn star name? - I... W-What?

Your porn star name.

It's the name of your first pet and the street you grew up on.

Oh. - Oh, it's good, what is it?

It is.

What is it?


It's Waggy Beansack.

Waggy Beansack? - This is Beansack.

I've been hanging out on Beansack?

And Waggy was my dog, rest in peace.

Oh, my God.

All right, your turn.

We're in your hometown.

Let's cross off some of your spots.

Oh, no, no, no, no. - If it didn't happen here, then where did the deflowering take place?

If you could please stop referring to my virginity as a flower?


All right, where did you get drunk for the first time or buy your first pack of cigarettes or lit something on fire?

We are so different.

Whatever we do, just get me out of here because your parents scare the shit out of me.

It's right here on the right.

Where are we going?

Yeah, just right here.

Oh, okay.

Just right here. You can stop.

I got it.

Yep, here it is.

This is where the magic happened.

This cow pasture?

No, this is Liz's house.

Her parents still live here actually.

Oh, great. Let's go.

What? No.


What? What are you... Hey!

Oh, my God. I know.

Jesus Christ.

Is that her? - Yeah, what are you doing?

I showed you my dirty laundry.

I want to see where your cherry got popped.

Well, here it is. Can we go now?

No. Okay.

Now's our chance. - For what?

Come on.

What are you doing?

Going inside. - Don't do it.


Stop it, stop it. Stop that.

Absolutely not.

Oh. Liz's parents could be inside.

Yeah, I know.

Great, I'll just ring the doorbell and it'll be like "Oh, baby, what are you doing here in the middle of the night with this gorgeous creature?"

Is she a Dickens character?

And you'll be like, "Oh, hey, Liz's mom.

It's just me, Bailey." - That's supposed to be me?

"And I'm here to fuck this amazing creature in your daughter's bed." - All right, let's just...

Just a little bit of this.

Stop doing this. - A little bit of this.

Okay, stop doing this. - Okay.

All right, fine, we'll go inside and just promise me you'll be quiet.

Yeah, like a little baby mouse. - Okay.

Very small.

It's so easy.

It's too easy.

No alarm system.

Why are you so low to the ground?

Right here on the left, that's where we did it.

Oh, okay.

Oh, my God. - Shh, shh, shh.

Holy shit!

Did you lose your virginity to someone's nana?

I remember it as much less creepy.

I can't see how that's possible.

What is that smell?

What, have you never smelled potpourri before?

Only in regular doses. I didn't try to kill anyone with it.

Ha ha ha.

Ah! - Shh.

I thought that was going to be a lot softer than it was.

Liz's parents are, like, right next door.

Who's this? - That's Mr. Wizzlebiz.

Leave it alone.


Is this how you did it? - Wait, wait.

What? - Just stop.


If we're gonna recreate my experience, we're gonna do it my way, okay?


I'll just lay here like Liz and do nothing.

Liz didn't just do nothing, okay?

Oh, yeah, I'm sure she was an animal in bed.

Speaking of which, there are a lot of animals staring at me right now.

Just ignore the wildlife, Liz. - All right, fine.

Darla. - I'm sorry.

You're so serious about this.

I was serious then.

I'm sorry, I'm serious. I'm taking this seriously.

Trust me, okay?

You suck at this. Let's do your shirt.

Is this okay?

Let's go.



Go, go, go, go.

You know what I was thinking?

Maybe we don't have to go to this thing.


I mean, you said you wanted to go and it's gonna be weird, so fuck it.

Let's have a good time.

Right, but let me warn you, this is a little bit of a boring crowd, you know?

I figured.

What do you want me to wear to this little shindig?

I was gonna ask you to wear something a little bit more conservative.

Gross. - Yeah, but fuck it, wear what you wanna wear, you know?

Just go balls-out.

Good pun. - Yeah. Ooh.

Hitting the shower. - Okay.

So is this a costume party now? - What?

Seriously, why did you dress me up like a pastor's daughter?

You look fine.

I look like your English professor.

Don't be silly, come on.

Why is this house so big?

Because people live in it.

Hello, darling.

How are you? We brought a gift.

Thank you. - Congratulations.

Congratulations. Oh, of course.

Hi. Congratulations, nice to see you.

Thank you.

So this is what it looks like in broad daylight.

Are you okay? - I'm fine.



She's not gonna jump out of the fucking cake.

Who? - Who?

Really subtle.

You're giving me whiplash.

I thought we were gonna have fun.

What is going on with you?

What's going on with you, hm?

How's therapy lately?

Sure are journaling a lot recently.

It's fine.

It's fine.

Did your mom pick out your outfit?

What the fuck are you doing?


Hey, Liz. Didn't even see you there.

Yeah, I was surprised to hear you're back in town.

Yeah, just passing through.

From Atlanta?

Yeah, just you know, had to get some time away to reassess things.

Some time apart kinda helped me to put things back into perspective.

Wow, you've done all this growth in, like, the past two weeks?

Yeah. Amazing, isn't it?

How about you? What've you been up to?

Oh, you know, the usual.

Just trying to temper my parents' absurd expectations.

Tell me about it.

And I think we got robbed last night.

What? - Yeah.

I'm not sure because nothing was stolen, but clearly someone had, like, snooped in my room.

I don't know what kind of weirdo would do that.

Hi, I'm Darla, by the way.

Oh, yes, this is Darla... - Yeah.

...my girlfriend.

Yeah, I heard you guys had been dating for a few months.

I don't know how I missed that.

You look so much prettier in person.

I'm sorry, what?

Well, I've seen Bailey's posts about you guys.

Posts, what posts? - Isn't she funny?

Well, I'm so happy for you, Bails.

Seems like you're doing really well.

Well, you know, I guess I have you to thank.

I mean, if we didn't have that talk, who knows, maybe I never would have met Darla here.

Mm. - Ow.

You okay, babe? - Yeah, babe.

You're squeezing me like a fucking bird.

Sorry. Just can't seem to keep my hands off this one when she's around.

Mm! Oh, wow. Can we talk for a second?

Mm-hmm. - Be right back.


What the fuck are you doing? - What do you mean?

Are you seriously posting pictures of us to make her jealous?

Hey, Bailey, is everything okay?

Take a seat, Jumpsuit.

Do not be rude to her.

You don't talk to her like that.

Seriously? - Keep your voice down.

Who are you right now?

I read your blog.

What blog? - What blog?

It's on the fucking Internet.

Did you really think I wasn't gonna find it?

Well, you know what, I'm glad I did.

Otherwise I never would've known that this whole thing's a fucking lie.

You're just using me to be the john in your sex column.

My favorite piece, I think, was the chef's one.

Yeah, real clever title.

Uh, "Eating Out?"

He ... scholarly.

So what? I write about sex. I told you I was a writer.

Yeah, but I thought you meant like novels and stuff, like not like smut.

You could have googled me, that's on you.

You know, my cancer is private.

As is my sex life. - What sex life?

I am your sex life, which obviously you were just using to fix your broken libido.

You didn't make it difficult on me, did you?

Which hasn't been a problem for you up until now, has it?

That was before I knew I was dealing with a sl...


Go ahead and say it.

Call me a slut.

I didn't have to.


You gonna tell them or should I?


You're not gonna tell them. You're pathetic.

You're fucking miserable, you have a miserable job, your life is going nowhere, and you're chasing some Southern Living fantasy and why?

She doesn't even want you because she already knows what's so obvious to the both of us that no matter what is in your pants, you'll never be a real man.

At least I know what it feels like to be loved.

Got it.

Enjoy the rest of your party with your real girlfriend.

Come on!

Whatever you're looking for in there, it's probably easier to find it if the glass were empty.

Something wrong?

Get out.

I said get out!

Jesus. - Get the fuck out!



Mind if I join you?

Well, I can't promise I'm not gonna do something else wildly embarrassing.

Oh, I was hoping you would.

Hungry? Your mom said you haven't eaten yet.

Oh, so you came here to feed me?

I just wanted to check in on you.

Am I still allowed to do that?

So, um... what was your deal with her anyway?

Were you guys like actually dating or?

I kinda started to think that we... No.

Uh, it was stupid.

I mean, I understand.

It makes sense that you wanna have fun with someone who isn't me.

I guess I just didn't expect you to go all the way off the deep end.

Oh, come on. Things aren't that bad.

I mean, yes, they didn't turn out as expected, but... we're still here.

If teenage me knew that 30 me would still be sitting at this desk, you know, just hiding out in this room, just as unsure about what I want to do with my life as like I was ever.

I don't know.

Maybe I would have done stuff differently.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

You know, you've gone through a lot.

Look, I know that I shut you out and I'm sorry about that.

I thought some time apart for us would be good.

You know, we haven't had that, like, ever.

And I wanted to talk to you about this stuff but then you got sick and you needed me.

You know, I've always taken care of you, but I don't even know who I am outside of us.

You know?

I wanted to date to make sure that we were making the right decision.

And I admit, it's selfish, but being here with our totally crazy parents and seeing you go through this all on your own...

I don't know.

I still love you, Bailey.

I found another lump.

Wait, what? - It's small, but I had some tests.


They caught it early and they have to remove it.

Like, the rest of it.

Well, if it's that serious, then you shouldn't be here.

You should be getting the procedure.

I mean, what if it's... - I know.

I just...

I need time to process it.


Do your parents know?


They don't need that again.

Well, we'll figure this out, okay?

I like the horsepower underneath.

No pun intended.


Stop it.


Little bean!

You made it!

Oh, my God!

You okay?

You must be starving, come join us.

I'm okay. Who's this?

Bill was helping me paint the porch yesterday.

I invited him to stay over so we could get to know each other better.

You don't need any help painting the porch, Mom.

Sit, sit! Is it just you?

Where is that stud you've been dragging across the country?

I've been reading about you two's shenanigans.

Yeah, that wasn't a thing. - Well, never is.

Bill and I are going out tonight.

You totally have to tear it up with us.

No, I have a lot of work to do and I'm not gonna be here very long, so.

Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh.

You do not get to be a drag.

No, I'm just gonna go to my room.

No, come on, come out with us!

He doesn't bite.


So what time do you two fly out?

10:00 a.m. tomorrow.

And thank you again for getting Bailey and I on the same flight, that was very nice of you.

You're welcome.

Yeah, I just think it's a good idea for Bailey not to be alone right now.

Is everything all right, Bailey?

Yeah, no, everything's fine.

Are you sure everything's fine?


Liz? - Well...

Don't ask her.

I said everything's fine, okay?


I just meant that we're all here for you right now, to help you.

Are you? - Yes.

And when we go home, I'm gonna be there to support you.

With what exactly?

Don't you think we should tell them?

Tell us what?

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to...

Bailey found another lump and the doctor said that it's cancerous.

What? How can that be?

I thought they replaced, you know.

I mean, it's not the same testicle, Mom.


You said that everything was fine.

'Cause everything is fine.

Ron, we're going back to Atlanta with him.

He needs us to take care of him, Liz can't do that on...

No one needs to take care of me!

Look, I didn't ask for help because I don't need help.

And frankly, Liz, that wasn't yours to share.

You're right.

I'm... I'm sorry.

I just, you know, I haven't been there for you recently and I... I didn't want to mess that up again.

Everything'll be fine.


Little bean.

What are you doing up?

Where you been all day?

What are you, my parole officer?

I'm leaving tomorrow, remember?

Oh, yeah. Right.

Um, if you're flying, you need to tow that eyesore off my curb first.

I was hoping that you would help me fix it.

Well, I do know my way around an engine.

You gonna be up that early? - Yeah, probably not.

Just call the guys down at Mario's.

Yeah, right, okay.

What? - Nothing.

What's wrong now?

I thought that... I don't know what I thought.

I, um ...

I just haven't been home in a while.

Whose fault is that?


This sucks.

Mom, um... I know that I'm not easy... and you're not easy either. - Jesus.

But I know that's not your fault and I think... there might be something wrong with me.

And I don't really understand what it is...

but I think I might have a problem.

Honey, we all have problems.

No mom. A...

I've been going to this group lately, this...

At first I didn't even take it seriously and I thought it was stupid.

But I think that maybe...

and I think that you should find something similar.

It's for addicts. It's for sex and love addicts.


Those groups are for men making excuses about philandering and shaming women for being just as sexual as they are.

But you are a liberated woman and you don't care what people think and you are not ashamed of what you do.

And that's... That is one of the things I love most about you.

Probably because I taught it to you.

That's not me.

Since when?

Good night, Mom.

Hey, Liz, what's your porn star name?


You know, like, the name of your first pet and the street you grew up on?

Why would you ask me that?

It's a game. It's fun.

It's not funny, Bailey. It's just weird.

What are you doing?

Our Uber's here, let's go.

I'm not going with you.

What, why?

Liz, I missed you.

Like, hanging out this weekend with our parents, I miss that too.

But... it kinda sucked.

You know, like all of it.

Um, okay.

Liz, when you left, I thought it was because I had cancer.

Like, me getting sick had broken us down, maybe like you weren't attracted to me?

But I understand.

I don't wanna be together just because it's easier than being alone, you know, like...

So you just don't want to be with me anymore.

I mean, did we get back together?

I thought so.

I mean, I want to.

Do you?


Yeah, I think so.

Liz, I think what we want is the idea of us.

But we're not those same kids anymore and that's okay.

Are you sure that this is what you want, with everything that's going on?


Does this mean that you're gonna stop stalking me on Instagram?

I'll cut back. - Yeah?

I'll cut back on it. - You gotta slowly wean it away.

Yeah, exactly. - We have to walk to the same spot, so you can just bring my bags.

All right, that's a deal. - Yeah.

Yeah, I'm not gonna cold turkey stop Instagram stalking you.

No, I mean, of course not, my pics are lit. Why would you?

You can see what orange wine guy's up to.

Oh. - Is his name like Arman?

It is Arman!

What are you doing?

If I were you, I would junk this thing for whatever scraps are still worth a damn.

It still might get you home, if that's where you're headed.

Yeah, I don't know where I'm headed anymore.

Yeah, I've heard that before.

You know, I was thinking... the funny thing about being a mom is whenever something new happens with your kid, it's your first chance to figure out what the hell you're supposed to do about it.

And when you only have one... you only get one chance.

I know you got places to go, but I could make us some breakfast if you're not in too much of a hurry.

Yeah. I'd like that.


She said she didn't want to burden me with it because my operation had gone well and my cell count had improved.

I mean, she was there by my side throughout all of this.

So I just don't understand why she would hide it from me.

I'm sorry.

Everyone has a different way of processing their diagnosis.

But the important thing is that we're patient.

Does anyone else have anything they want to add to that?

Molly, would you like to share?

I do.

As in, I think I have something to add to that.


And I'm definitely in the right room this time, I know that, and I'm definitely sober.

I think. Yes.

Um, it's just that Molly's been waiting for a while.

Is it okay if Bailey goes first?

Clearly I have all the time in the world.

Yeah, great. If that's okay with, I mean, I'll be so quick.

Okay, thank you.

Hi, everyone.

Uh, I guess I've been so reluctant to share recently...

because I've been scared, you know.

Even with something not as life-threatening as TC, I've been afraid to, like, face a second diagnosis.

Which I guess is why a couple weeks ago, I went on this crazy road trip.

I don't know, maybe I was trying to distract myself from, like, all this, you know.

But the person that I end up going with, she turned out to be really cool. Yeah.

She wasn't grossed out... and she wasn't even like sympathetic, you know?

Like she just made me feel normal.

And... I used her, you know?

And like an asshole, I shamed her.

She made me feel better and I screwed it up.

So tomorrow is my second orchiectomy and I feel like shit about it.

And I'm still terrified.

But also, I feel... like I can handle it.

Thank you for sharing.

And I bet if you told your friend what you just shared with us, the two of you could work it out.

Molly, thank you for being so patient.

Would you like to share now? - Sure.

Uh, basically I've just been feeling like...

Actually, can I jump in here? - Seriously?

Oh, we're just in the middle of something.

If you just... If you want to take a seat. - Sorry, I just feel like my story has a lot in common with Bailey's.

Hi, I'm Darla.

And I'm new, obviously.

And... I have breast cancer apparently.

Weirdly enough, I, too, went on a trip, a trip that I lied about needing for therapeutic purposes.

Not about my boob stuff, about something else.

Something that I always thought made me exciting and good at my job and in control.

But the guy that I was with made me realize that maybe I had a problem.

And that's really scary, finding out that you might have a problem and you don't know how to fix it right away.

But this guy was really cool about it.

And for the first time ever, I trusted somebody.

And then I did something really shitty to him.

And normally I wouldn't really care because I don't usually like most people... but this guy wasn't like most people.


Anyway, I don't really know...

What I'm trying to say is...

fuck cancer.

Am I right?


Thank you for that, Darla.

And welcome to the circle.

Molly, would you like to share now?

Are you sure? Does anybody else have any...

It sounds like you were an asshole to this guy.

Oh, come on! - I mean, yes, I was an asshole, but he was kind of a dick.

For the record, I think you're both dicks.

You know, my surgery is tomorrow.

Things are gonna be different after.

I know. - You two know each other?

I guess if you're gonna be serious about recovery, you probably shouldn't... - Not for a while.

Okay, they know each other.

Yeah, and you probably need time, right, to...

Probably. Yeah.

Worst timing ever, huh?

Maybe the best?

This is the weirdest fucking support group.

No, sorry. - Yeah, go ahead.

You go ahead, I mean, who cares about us? We're just blabbing on...

It sounds like a great trip.

Um, I just want to get back to Molly.

Anyway, we were on this bench in Amsterdam...

So we decided to just be friends.

Just for like one year, which seemed like a responsible amount of time for us to, you know, get our shit together.

I guess after my blog doubled traffic to the website, Tanya offered me my job back.

This place could use a voice like yours.

This voice.


I can't.

I think I've just been realizing lately that maybe this place and what I've been writing about... isn't good for me anymore.

It's crazy that she's not my boss anymore, but I still use her as my emergency contact.

I got the new job.

I'm an illustrator for this new graphic design firm.

I know my parents still have no idea how I make money drawing, but they're coming around.

Well, I've been working on something.

It's mostly about me and the stupid shit that I've done, but it's also about my mom, because there's a lot to unpack there.

And yeah, a lot of it is about sex.

But a lot of it isn't.

And somehow, I managed to get an advance from a publisher.

Liz still checks in on me but I took her advice.

I've been hanging out with other people.

We've been seeing each other a lot.

I mean, platonically.

It's been nice having someone to share things with.

Especially during the hard times.


What's wrong? What'd they say?

Stop it!

And the good ones.

And today marks one year since my surgery.

And after chemo, I am officially in remission.

Plus the sperm I banked before my first orchiectomy is still good, so my mother hasn't disowned me.

And also, I don't have to use condoms, so...

I mean, okay, but still like, we'll use protection, I think. It's like the over...

'cause there's like a million strains of... - I got it.

I did the banana thing in health class.

Good, they're still doing that.


I mean, I still struggle, especially with not watching porn.

That was a big one for me.

I miss getting attention. I miss the validation that came from getting attention, but I know that's not worth it now.

Because I know now that's not what any of this is really about.

I had to take a long good look at what was under my hood.

And with the help of my sponsor, this feels pretty cool.

I mean, it's not as good as sex, but...

It'll do.

I will see you later. - Yeah.

Thank you. See ya.

That was cool, Darla. Congrats.

Thanks, Rob.

Well, if it isn't Ms. Kelly.

Ah, it's the hall monitor again.

You know, you can't smoke those in here.

Oh yeah, someone told me that once.

One addiction at a time.

A whole year, huh?


So, would you like to go to dinner with me tonight?

Like on a date?

Mm. - Hmm, lucky for you, I just became available.

So, where you wanna go?

I don't know, where do people go on dates?

I haven't been on a date since high school.

I don't think I've been on a date ever.

Ei? - We'll figure it out.